The Mick (2017–2018): Season 1, Episode 9 - The Mess - full transcript

(gunfire, explosions on video game)

MAN: Call in an airstrike!

MAN 2: Suppression fire!
Get down! Get down!

You think you can hide in a hospital?

- (door opens)
- Think again.

(explosion, men screaming)

ANDREW: Damn.

You're ruthless.

Wha...?

Is that a...

Whose burrito did I just step in?



I don't know.

(groans) God.

Guys, this place
is getting out of hand.

I love it. You can do anything here.

(spits)

Who the hell's this kid?

I'm Andrew. We met a bunch of times.

Okay. Enough is enough.

We got strange kids milling about.

Full burritos just laying
around, totally unaccounted for.

That's on Alba.

Just because Alba's Mexican

does not mean she's responsible

for every burrito that goes missing.



Alba's Guatemalan.

Exactly! Alba's Guatemalan.

I'm not talking about
the burrito, I'm talking about

the fact that she doesn't do her job.

It doesn't work like that anymore.

We all need to clean up
after ourselves.

- (cap clatters)
- Oh, we do?

These aren't my half-empty beers.

And I will dispose of them
when I am finished with them.

Now get out of here, the TV's mine.

- I recorded the game.
- What?

It's not even live? Screw that.

Let's do this.

I've been dodging the score all day.

MICKEY: I'm just trying
to find my lucky shirt.

Why do you need the lucky shirt
if the game's already over?

SABRINA: Hey, check me out.

Do I look like a trashy whore or what?

(gasps) What'd you do to my shirt?

I made it sexy.

Sabrina, how would you
feel if I just ran around

stealing your clothes?

- You can't fit in my clothes.
- Ugh!

It's for the Maloney's
white trash party, okay?

It's the biggest party of the year.

Yeah, okay. Well, in that case.

CHIP: It's gonna be awesome.
The youngest one, Danny,

is in my grade,
so I get to go this year.

I heard their sister's
bringing a bunch of her friends

from St. Margaret's.

Oh, yeah. The place is
gonna be running wild

with repressed Catholic school girls.

Don't pretend that doesn't terrify you.

Ah, high school's the best.

Parties suck when you get older.

No one fights or humps
or breaks anything.

Everyone leave. Get out of here,

so we can watch the game in peace. Go!

Sabrina, will you switch
the input for me?

Ha! Yeah, that's funny.

Uh... Chip? Can you
help me out, please?

Yeah, right.

Ben, go click the input
switch for me, please.

You're just sitting there.

You do it.

- (laughter)
- Oh!

Boston bullpen blows it again.

Another win for Toronto.

That's it! I'm done!

I'm done with these losers!

Were you not disgusted by that loss?

What? Yeah. Yeah. They suck.

I-I just can't stop thinking
about Ben right now. I...

I mean, he's never talked
to me like that before.

(laughs)

And so it begins.

So what begins?

Oh, the transformation.

Oh, yeah.

I see it in Chip and Sabrina.

One day, sweet little angels,

and the next, vile, wretched creatures

with no respect for nobody.

No, I can't afford to lose Ben.

He's all I've got now.

I'm hanging on by a thread as is.

Well then, you need
to start punishing him

like his parents never did.

Absolutely not, Alba. I don't punish.

Yeah. I never grew up
with rules or discipline.

I turned out pretty great.

No, you know what?
I, we're just overthinking it.

We're overthinking it.
Ben's a good kid.

I just got to go clear the air.

Hey, buddy.

What are you doing?
Playing with your ant farm?

Yeah. Billy and Greg are wrestling,

so I had to separate 'em.

Again? Oh, man.

Those guys.

You know, this whole house
is kind of like an ant farm.

Really?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
You see, see this ant

in the middle, right here?

The, the really cute one?

Uh, she's kind and fair. That's
the queen. That's like me.

And all these ants around on
the side, those are worker ants.

That's like you and Chip and Sabrina.

Do I have to build tunnels for you?

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, if I asked
you to, you would.

See, 'cause without the queen ant,

all the other ants would just be
running around like kooks.

Nothing would get done. It'd be crazy.

It'd be chaos, you know?

You don't want that. So if I ask
you to do something around here,

I need you to perk your little,
uh, ant antenna up, right,

and-and do it.

Ben. We need you.

Well, h-hold on.

We... I have him right now.

So give us a second.

Uh, yeah. No can do. We need him now.

Well, you don't get him now.

What's wrong with you?

We need to get Mom's box
of poor stuff for the party,

and he's the only one
who can fit in the attic.

Okay. Well, hang on a
minute until he's done.

Let's let him decide for himself.

Hey, Ben? Buddy?

What do you want to do?

Oh... Don't forget,
who's your best buddy?

You. Yeah.

- But who's your big sister?
- You.

You're either with us
or you're against us.

Yeah, but remember, good
little ants, they get rewarded.

And bad little ants, they get squished.

SABRINA: Hey, Ben. Be smart, buddy.

You don't want to end up
like our last little brother.

You had another brother?

Yeah. We had to kill him,
'cause he wasn't a team player.

Okay. Get out of here.
Li... Don't listen to them.

They're messing with you.

Oh, I wish we were, but we wouldn't lie

about something like that.

Okay. Well, if you had
another little brother,

then what was his name, on the
count of three? One, two, three.

- Elliott.
- Elliott.

Mm.

Sorry, Mickey.

Oh...

Bye, Mickey! Come on, Ben.

I don't know. I just, I don't
know what to do, Alba.

I can feel Ben slipping away.

I am telling you, drop the hammer.

Otherwise, he will never learn.

You realize that is asking me to betray

everything that I stand for.

(footsteps approaching)

(clears throat)

Where do you think you're going?

School.

No, I don't think so. (laughing) No.

Not today.

I'm punishing you.

For what?

For...

being... for being dicks.

Mm. That's what's for.

You guys need to learn to respect me.

- Why?
- Because I said so.

That's why.

I'd rather not.

Hey.

I am dead serious.

You are not going to school today,

so help me God.

Sweet. No school.

(backpacks drop on floor)

Oh, that's...

Yeah. Yeah, I know.

But, you know,

don't think that you
just get to sit around

and do whatever you want all day.

That's not what I meant.

- (cartoons playing on TV)
- No, I meant, you guys...

you're grounded.

(both chuckle)

Am I grounded, too?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. No more special
treatment for you, buddy.

Don't worry, Ben. She
has no power over us.

Oh, I don't?

(TV continues playing)

(turns off TV)

- No more TV.
- ALBA: Ooh.

Oh-ho.

Well, okay. (sighs)

- Come on, give me those.
- No.

- Give me...
- (grunts)

Then I will smash your
video games into oblivion.

I'll buy more.

SABRINA: Face it, Mackenzie.

You've got no leverage.

Oh, yeah?

How about this?

Not one of you steps foot
outside of this house

until the entire thing is clean.

(laughs) Yeah? Good luck with that.

Yeah, if you don't like it,
why don't you clean it yourself?

MICKEY: You know what?

Fine with me.

Cool.

I grew up in squalor.

I am perfectly comfortable in it.

You guys want to live like this?

I think it's a great idea.

Oh, yeah. Hi.

In fact, who's this pretty lady, huh?

Oh...

This important to anyone?

Huh?

How's that?

That messy enough for you?

You guys like any of this stuff?

(Mickey laughing)

- Oh, Alba. That feels good.
- Yeah?

- You're gonna want to get in on this.
- All right.

(yells)

(Mickey moans)

(Mickey and Alba shouting,
things crashing)

(screaming)

- (screaming)
- Oh! Ow! Get it! Get it!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

- (Mickey and Alba panting)
- ALBA: Yeah.

(phones clicking)

(Jimmy chuckles)

Whoa. (chuckles)

Yeah. What happened here?

Mickey punished us.

Yeah. She really showed us who's boss.

(Chip and Sabrina laugh)

(Mickey laughs mockingly)

Oh, good. Good, good, good.

We're all having fun. That's so great.

Hey. You guys got a quick
sec to talk leverage?

(phone beeps, line ringing)

MAN: Hello?

Oh, hello. May I speak
with Mrs. Maloney please?

Just a sec.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm shutting down the party.

- Oh. Everybody's gonna be so mad
- (chuckles)

at you guys, huh?

Have you completely lost it?

- Nah. She's bluffing.
- Am I?

JIMMY: Okay, you know what? Hey, hey.

Mick. Don't be unreasonable.

All right? Let's just talk
about this. We're all here.

MICKEY: Hey, hey, hey!

Look, I don't want to be this person.

Hang up the phone.

You know? I-I'm not a party stopper.

- I'm a party starter.
- Yeah, she starts them.

Hang up the phone!
You don't tell me what to do!

Hang up the phone!

- Clean up the mess!
- Oh, whoa!

Whoa!

Geez, let's put the claws away,
all right?

Okay? Here, here, here, here.

How about this?

Jimmy cleans up.

- No, thanks.
- Okay? No. It's all right. I enjoy it.

It's not okay with me, though.

- No, it's fine though.
- No, thank you, Jimmy.

- I enjoy doing it.
- Put it down!

- MRS. MALONEY: Hello?
- Hi there.

- Hi.
- Mrs. Maloney.

- My name...
- Fine!

- Hello?
- Fine what?

- We'll clean!
- Who is this?

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

(Mickey and Alba laugh)

- That was cutting it close.
- Yeah.

Very exciting. Thank you for that.

Okay, awesome.

Let me tell you how
this is gonna go down.

Alba and I, we're gonna run
out for a quick beer or six,

and we will be back in...
what do you think, two hours?

- Make it three.
- Three.

You heard the lady. Make it three.

We'll be back in three hours.

Gives you plenty of time to clean up.

Oh, and in the meantime,
can you guys move

that big TV upstairs to my room?

I recorded the game,
and I kind of want to watch it

all cozy in my bed.

I... Should I come with you?

No, 'cause you love
to clean so much, remember?

Yeah, I could get used to this.

Oh, yeah, nice.

- That's what I'm talking about.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like it. Yeah, what
do you think, Alba?

It's okay. You know,
it's not like when I do it.

- Well, yeah.
- But it's okay. Yeah.

- Ooh, ooh. Uh-oh.
- Ooh.

- Bad news, though.
- Uh-oh.

Bad news flying in, see...

I'm seeing a big old
smudge print right here.

You seeing that, Alba?

Yeah, sloppy work.

Yeah. Well, why don't you go

pop a quick scrub on that, Cinderella,

and then we'll be in business.
Nice work!

- Yeah!
- Nice.

- I like it.
- Yeah.

Guys.

Super impressed. Think you made

very good decisions here tonight.

You know what? You want to...
You want to go watch the game?

- Good. Let's go...
- We're gonna watch the game.

You guys have a great night.

Um, I hope you're not too scrubbed out.

(both laughing)

(both continue laughing)

You know, it was just
basic dog psychology.

Sometimes you gotta...

Wh-what is this?

What the hell?

- (door closes, locks)
- Whoa.

(gasps)

- (shrieks) No!
- (screaming): No!

We're trapped!

Hey! You let us out!

SABRINA: Sorry, we got to run.

We have a party to get to.

Oh! You better hope I
never get out of this room!

CHIP: Oh, I almost forgot.

Ben has something he wants to tell you.

Go ahead, Ben. Say the thing.

BEN: Sox lost, three to zero!

(both scream)

I'm gonna kill you!

(horn honking)

Jimmy!

Don't you dare!

Sorry, Mick. (whoops)

- Party of the year.
- What?!

- No!
- SABRINA: Bye, Mick!

BEN: Bye!

(screams)

Aunt Mickey's scaring me.

Ah, don't worry. She can't hurt
you from up there, little buddy.

- (loud thud)
- (screaming)

(screaming continues)

(tires screeching)

(groaning)

Oh.

- (gasps)
- CHIP: She's invincible.

All right. She'll be all right.

You guys still want to party? Oh.

- Yeah. Oh.
- (groans)

All right. Some radio?

♪ This is for my future baby mama ♪

♪ Hope your skin is black as midnight ♪

♪ I'll take you out that Honda ♪

♪ I can put you in a Benz ♪

♪ I can balance out your chakras ♪

♪ Fornication is a sin ♪

♪ We can ... all night regardless ♪

♪ Our father art in heaven... ♪

(laughing): Oh, my gosh.

You guys are fun.

Thanks. It's our first party.

Shut up, Andrew.

Oh, that's so cute.

Wait, what grade are you guys in?

- Eighth.
- Wow, really?

You just... you seem so much older.

I get that a lot. (laughs)

I was held back in kindergarten

because my body developed slow.

(laughs) Okay, I cannot handle

how funny you guys are.

Um... you know,

you guys want to to go somewhere

a little more quiet,

just so that we can kind of talk?

Him or me?

Why not both?

Can you give us a second, please?

Holy crap, is this happening?

I can't believe it. What do we do?

I-I feel like we have
to say yes, right?

Definitely. I think I love her.

No... okay, let's just
set some ground rules,

make sure things don't get weird.

Okay, good idea.

Like you and I shouldn't kiss
for more than five seconds.

Kiss who?

Each other.

We're not kissing at all.

What if it's a deal breaker for her?

Then we break the deal.

All right, fine, geez, we won't kiss.

Didn't know you were
gonna be so weird about it.

Guys. Is everything okay?

Everything is great.

Yeah. Let's do this.

♪ ♪

(hushed murmuring)

Sick costume.

Five bucks.

♪ ♪

(grunts)

(party chatter, laughter)

♪ ♪

You go that way, I'll go this way.

♪ Boy, I'm buoyant, we are ♪

♪ Floating on them peons ♪

♪ Go in till they take my
bro'nem out them CDCRs... ♪

(shouts, laughs)

Suck on that, losers! Oh!

- (glass breaks)
- (crowd gasps)

(screams)

- JIMMY: What's the matter with you?
- Where are they?

Look what you did to my hands!

(Jimmy groans)

(screams)

JIMMY: I don't know.

I don't know.
They're around here somewhere.

I swear to God, I don't know.

(groans): Please.

(whimpering gasp)

You frickin' psycho!

♪ ♪

Ben!

Ben! Chip!

Sabrina, are you...?

- Uh...
- (bong bubbling)

I'm sorry. It's the wrong room. I...

(coughs)

Uh...

♪ Are you in the city? ♪

♪ Are you on the other side? ♪

♪ Are you in the city? ♪

♪ Are you on the other side? ♪

♪ Are you in the city? ♪

♪ Are you on the other side? ♪

♪ Are you in the city? ♪

♪ Are you on the other side? ♪

♪ ♪

I'm starting to prune up.

Where the hell is she?

It doesn't take this long to get beers.

Do you think we need more bubbles?

No, we're good on bubbles.
Just stop talking about bubbles.

I-It's not what it looks like.

Get out.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey. Um... where did Chip go?

Uh... he had to step out,

but... I'm here.

We got plenty of bubbles.

- ♪ In the jungle, the mighty jungle ♪
- ♪ A-weema-weh, a-weema-weh ♪

- ♪ The lion sleeps tonight ♪
- ♪ A-weema-weh, a-weema-weh ♪

♪ A-wee... ee-ee-ee-ee ♪

♪ Ee-a-bumba-weh ♪

♪ A-wee... ee-ee-ee-ee ♪

♪ Ee-a-bumba-weh ♪

(loud party chatter)

♪ ♪

Can I borrow this? Thank you.

- No. No way.
- (gags)

- Are you insane?!
- Where's Ben?

He's over there.

(crowd cheering)

Ben. Get down. We're going home.

But I'm having fun.

Tough crap. We're leaving. Let's go.

No, I don't want to.

Ben, get off the table right now!

Screw you!

(crowd gasps)

(crowd laughs)

(crowd gasping)

(crowd quiets)

♪ ♪

Uh...

(low conversations)

Well, it's on...

Alba and Jimmy,
can I talk to the kids alone

for a minute, please?

I go do things in the kitchen.

Yeah, I'll, uh, give you a hand.

(groans) Hey.

So...

things got... pretty
crazy last night, right?

I mean, come on, you guys
gonna ice me out all day long?

Look, I admit it,
I may have gone too far.

- "May have"?!
- You publicly flogged Ben.

Yeah, I said I was sorry.

- No, you didn't.
- Well, I'm saying it now.

Are you?

Yeah. Are you?

What would we be sorry about?

I don't know, destroying my room,

telling me to screw myself,

turning my face into a lasagna.

N-No? Nothing? No remorse at all?

- No thanks.
- We're good. - No.

Huh.

Okay.

Well, guess what, I am sorry,

and I would like to fix
this with you guys,

so can I please take you out to dinner?

What do you say, Ben?

Can you please help me out here?
You really want him to hate me?

I'm doing what I can.

Guess I could go for a bite.

What do you say, Ben?

Can I get French fries?

(weather forecast plays on radio)

Aunt Mickey, I'm hungry.

Yeah, where the hell are you taking us?

It's a surprise. You'll see.

Okay. We're here. Hop out.

BEN: There's no restaurant out here.

CHIP: Where the hell are we?

I knew we should've ordered in.

BEN: I thought I was
getting French fries.

Ever heard of GPS, Mickey?

Are we hunting for our food?

Yeah, where the hell are we?

I don't get any service out here.

I'm gonna take that and that.

- SABRINA: What the hell?
- Thank you very much.

See you guys at home.

What, you're just gonna
leave us out here?

Listen... I know you guys didn't
ask to be in this situation,

and I am so sorry that
your parents aren't here,

but I am.

You know? And I'm doing
the best that I can.

And if you decide that
you don't want me around,

please, just tell me and I will go,

but if you decide you want me to stay,

you've got to recognize the fact
that I need to be in charge.

That is the only way
this is gonna work.

And fortunately,
you've got the entire walk home

to figure out what you want to do.

She really left us?

Not a chance. She's bluffing.

SABRINA: See? Told you.

Mm, what a loser. All bark, no bite.

Aah!

(gasps)

(coughs)

(birds chirping)

(door opens)

(clears throat)

(exhales heavily)