The Mick (2017–2018): Season 1, Episode 13 - The Bully - full transcript

The tables are turned when a cyber bully targets Sabrina, leading Mickey to come up with a plan for revenge. Meanwhile, Jimmy teaches Chip and Ben how to be self-sufficient, resulting in a painful disaster.

(car horn honks, school bell rings)

(tires squealing)

(horn honking)

Move it idiots!

(tires screech)

All right, everybody out.

Go learn a bunch of
stuff you'll never use.

"Bye, Aunt Mickey. Thank you.

I recognize I'm not
your kid. It totally blows

to wake up at 7:00 a.m."
That's okay, Sabrina.

Thanks for saying thanks. Bye.

CHIP: Yeah, don't forget...

Ben and I need a ride to the
dentist tomorrow after school.

Sounds like a Jimmy job.

What?! Why?

- 'Cause I don't want to do it.
- No.

I mean, why do they have
to go to the dentist at all?

We're getting our teeth cleaned.

Yeah, well, don't you have a toothbrush?

God, your generation's gone soft.

Dentists aren't our generation.

Well, they're not my generation, okay?

I've never even been to
one, and I'm doing just fine.

You've had that tooth
rotting out of your face

for at least five years.

And do you hear me complaining about it?

No, because I chew on the other side,

and I avoid hot and colds.
My body is my dentist.

When that bad tooth
is ready to come out,

it will expel it naturally.

Oh, boy. Nope, school po-po coming.

Come on, everybody out. Go, go,
go, go, go. Quick, quick, quick.

- Come on. Out. No. Okay. Go, go, go.
- Miss Molng, may I have a word, please?

You know what? If this is about
the car, it's cool....

It isn't I mean, don't do it again,
but I actually wanted

to talk to you about an
ongoing bullying situation

involving one of your kids.

Well, yeah, you know, that's
just sort of bound to happen.

Chip's a walking target,
isn't he? I got to be honest.

If it were appropriate for
me to beat the hell out him,

I'd... I would do it on a daily basis.

This isn't about Chip.
This is about Sabrina.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's
tough. She's the worst.

I've been on the receiving
end of that for months now.

She tears me down, I
build myself back up.

She tears me down, I
build myself back up again.

I got to be honest.

I'm running out of building supplies.

Well, I'm sorry you're
doing so much building,

but it's actually Sabrina
who's being bullied.

Oh. Come again?

It seems that she has been
excommunicated from her

friend group, and since

she is quite possibly
our most popular student,

it's had a ripple effect
on our entire ecosystem.

All right, are we talking
about the same Sabrina?

Dark hair? Pretty in

- a terrifying kind of way?
- I've spoken to her.

She won't open up. You're her aunt.

Perhaps you can get through to her.

Yeah. Yeah, probably.
Yeah, I'll get right on it.

Thanks for the heads up.

(both cackling)

She's getting bullied!

It's so good.

Well, you know, karma is a
fair, but merciless bitch.

Oh, yeah.

Normally, I would never,
never wish harm on anyone,

but the thought of Sabrina
eating lunch by herself,

oh, is so nice.

(laughter) So good.

I mean, this might be the best thing

- that's ever happened to her.
- Oh, yeah.

- I mean, knock her down a peg.
- Yeah, she made her mean bed,

and now she can sleep in
those scratchy sheets.

Sleep in scratchy
sheets, you bitch, right?

Oh, yeah. (laughter)

Good night.

Sweet dreams. Good luck.

- Oh!
- Oh! Tough day at the office?

What the hell did you just say to me?

Just a... you know, just a quick

- dig on your way by.
- Oh, yeah?

You think that's funny?
Maybe you should look

in the mirror, you bug-eyed bitch.

ALBA: Okay, you know, maybe

- we just take a deep breath.
- Oh, yeah?

You got something to say, too, Alba?

No. You are right,

no matter what you say about anything.

That's what I thought, chismosa.

(Alba gasps)


(smacks lips) I don't know
what that word meant...

- Mm.
- ...but I conclude it was nasty.

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Yeah?

What the hell was that about?

I don't know.

I thought bullying
would soften her, but...

that was really scary.

Yeah, we do this all the time,

but usually there's some art
to it, you know what I mean?

There's nothing clever about that.

That really hurt my feelings.

Is this what bullying
is gonna do to her?

- (gasps)
- Okay, this is not nearly as fun

- as I thought it was gonna be.
- No.

- All right, I'll go talk to her.
- Yeah.

Be brave.

(Mickey smacks lips)

Is it safe to come in?

What do you want?

Look, your principal let me know
that you were getting bullied,

and I just wanted to say
that we've all been there,

including me, if you can believe it.

Oh, I can believe it.

Okay. Great.

Then maybe I can be of some help.

What are we working with here?

Wedgies? Swirlies? Sack taps?

It's nothing, it's just
some stupid cyberbullying.

What the hell is cyberbullying?

Bullying, but on the Internet.

You're letting a bunch
of nerds pick on you

- with their computers?
- They're not nerds.

Well, they're nerds if
they're on the Internet.

It's my friend, Zoe.

Used to be my friend, whatever.

Why don't you just
systematically destroy her?

Isn't that what you do?

- I can't.
- Why?

I just can't, okay?!


It just doesn't seem
like you, that's all.

I'm sorry, don't you
have something better

to be worrying about, like the fact that

you're really bad at makeup,

even though you've had
70 years of practice?

Okeydoke, I can see
where this is headed,

so I'm just gonna hit the road.


How did it go?

Well, she ripped me open,

stuffed me full of devastation,
and then sewed me back up again.

- Oh.
- Let me ask you something.

Do I look 70?


You know what, forget
it. For some reason,

she's not fighting back, you know?

And now, that's leaking
into our ecosystem.

No, no, no, no.

I cannot handle a meaner Sabrina.

Well, then we are going to
have to restore order for her.


Is that your face or did
scientists figure out a way

to grow a ponytail on a meatball?

- (both laugh)
- That's nice.

- Yeah.
- Mm, I got one, I got one.

- You got one?
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

- You are like a can of tuna fish...
- Uh-huh.

- ...that has far exceeded...
- Uh-huh.

...its expiration date. (laughs)

- I don't get that.
- No, it's good, good.

- Yeah, she smells.
- Okay.

What are you doing on my laptop?

Oh, man,

we are feeding these cyberbully dicks

with both barrels.

- What?
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Let me see.

You're on my account.

Of course I'm on your account.

How else would I be you?

Oh, my God.

- Oh, this is bad.
- Oh, no,

she had some real stinkers.

Are you looking at the tuna fish one?

Come on. 'Cause scroll
up, mine are funny.

You don't get it!

Zoe stole my journal from my locker.

Hold on a second, you-you keep a diary?

It's not a diary, it's a journal.

- Oh.
- Okay?

And because of you, she just blasted it

- all over the Internet!
- Hold on.

Calm down. Okay?

Calm down. Let's see.

Is this you?

"Abandoned, deserted, rejected.

I set out on my boat,

riding a sea of my parents' mistakes."

- (cries)
- Ah. "Who will love me?

"These sails will not.

The sea cannot. The sky?"


"The sky can only watch." Okay.

It was stream of consciousness!

No, yeah, no, it reads as
stream of consciousness.

I think it's... It's all class.

- What do you think?
- No, I... it's nice.

You-you are a writer, that is for sure.

Shut up, both of you!

- Give me this!
- Oh.

You ruined my life!


God, did you know she
was such an ugly crier?

I'm not crying!


(softly): Okay.

The fish look sick.


Can you believe this crap?

What's not to believe?

All of it... propaganda
being pushed by Big Tooth,

trying to convince you
you're less of a human

if you don't "Smile Like a Star."

What are you blathering about?

These so-called professionals
use fear to convince us

that we need them, when in reality

you could probably do it yourself.

Hell, a monkey could do it.

People don't do their own dental work

because it's a specialized skill.

I mean, I could unclog my toilets,

but I prefer to have a plumber do it.

Do not get me started on plumbers.

Good job, little man.

See you in six months, all right?

(imitates explosion)

I only have one cavity!

JIMMY: Oh, really?

Who told you that, the tooth jockey?

Guess we better take his word for it.

Excuse me?

I'm sorry, Doc. If you saw the mess

inside of his mouth,
you'd know he's an idiot.

You know what, this is
good. Let's test this out.

Bet you this clown can't look in there

and tell me which tooth is bothering me.

Oh, wow.

I assume it's your number 19 molar.

The black one.

That tooth needs to
come out immediately.

Good guess. Here comes the sell.

- What's that gonna cost me?
- Nothing.

Your insurance should cover it.

You think he has insurance?

Procedure runs about 1,500 without it.

Yeah, well, how about I just
buy you a new set of golf clubs,

and we skip the part where you perform

unnecessary surgery on me?

I assure you it's necessary.

An infection like that could leach into

your bloodstream and kill you.

Definitely leave it in, then.

You can die from a tooth?

JIMMY: Don't listen
to this tongue toucher.

Back in the old days,
dentists weren't even a thing.

Barbers took care of
everything above the shoulders.

You didn't know that, Doctor?

I don't know where all this
animosity's coming from,

but it doesn't change the fact
that tooth needs to come out.

Do it yourself for all I care.

Yeah, well, maybe I will.

And you can do whatever
this is, for all I care.

Let's go, boys.

(Sabrina groans)

- Get up.
- No.

Come on. Pity party's over. Let's go.

Leave me alone. This is all your fault.

Sabrina, you can't stay here forever.

You've got to go back
to school at some point.

I can't.

Nobody cares that you keep a diary.

- It's a journal.
- Whatever.

It doesn't matter. It's not a big deal.

You don't get it.

Everybody used to fear and respect me.

Now they think I'm some
sad sack of emotion.

Oh, come on.

Hey, don't say that.

I'm sure they still fear you.

You're the meanest person I've ever met.

I'm scared to come out
of my room most mornings

'cause I don't know what
you're gonna say to me.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You know that time you told
me my voice sounded fat?

- (laughs)
- (gasps)

Yeah, that was a good one.

That was a great one.

It's like you've got
butter in your throat.

Yeah, I mean, it doesn't
make any sense to me.

I can't wrap my mind
around what that even means,

but that's the point, I've been
thinking about it ever since.

See, you got in my head.

That's the bitch that's inside of you.

That's the bitch they need to see.

Yeah, but how?

By marching over to Zoe's house
and tearing her ass to pieces.

Yeah, I...


Well, yeah, I guess I could do that.

Oh, you guess?

Not good enough.

Let me hear you say it.

Fine, I'll tear her ass to pieces.

- Happy?
- Happy?!

No, I'm not happy.

'Cause that sounded like
you wanted to go over there

and tickle her ass a little bit,

but that's not gonna do the trick.

This girl humiliated you.
What are you gonna do about it?

I'm gonna tear her ass to pieces!

That's what I'm talking about.
Then what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna feed it to her.

Whoo-hoo, I like it!

Let's go get that diary.

It's a journal. Uh, doesn't matter!

(scanner beeping)

In what world is this easier
than going to a dentist?

A cheaper one. Do you have any idea

how much an actual
tank of nitrous costs?

No. How much?

I don't know.

But a lot more than whipped cream.

Granted, this isn't medical grade,

but it's still gonna
give me the wah-wahs.

This is insane.

Let's just go back to the dentist.

No, absolutely not.

Hey, I'm trying to teach you guys

a valuable life lesson here, all right?

A little self-sufficiency.

Can you just teach us how to
change a tire or something?

I'm excited to see
you rip your teeth out.

- JIMMY: Thanks, pal.
- Don't encourage this, Ben.

Okay, you know what, Chip,
let me tell you something.

Ears up, Ben.

Not-to-near future,

nuclear holocaust, right?

Credit card, money, house gone.

None of it works.
Sabrina, Alba, Mickey...

They're gone. Why?

Because you ate them.

You had to.

Would you be able to do
anything for yourself?

And, uh, that'll be $86.78.

Well, that's a little bit more
than I was intending to spend.

Why don't you go ahead
and throw everything back

except the whipped
cream, vodka and pliers.

(sniffs) Yeah.

Let's party.

♪ I'm in your head
tonight can you feel me? ♪

♪ I'm in your head
tonight can you feel me? ♪

What are we listening to?

Fight music. Getting
us jacked up for battle.

Ugh. Why are they yelling?

Are they angry 'cause
they're bad musicians?

Don't overthink it, just
drink your Speed Demon.

I can't drink any more of this.

I feel like my heart's gonna explode.

Good. That's right. Means it's working.

Okay, you ready for this?

- Yes. Yeah!
- Yeah?

- You ready for this?
- Yeah!

It's go time.

- What's with the ice?
- You'll see.

(exhales) Yes! Ready?

- I'm ready!
- Yeah? All right.

No hesitation, okay?

She opens that door,
we just launch on her.

I got this!

Cool off, bitch!

Uh... uh...

Sabrina, what are you
doing at my house?!

This is my house, Zoe!

- One second.
- So you better give me my journal back

before I beat your ass
so hard you actually

- feel it for once!
- Time-out, time-out!

How 'bout that?!

Oopsy. Time-out.Time-out.

Can you excuse us just for a second?

C-Can I have a word?

What the hell are you doing?

What do you mean? I'm
gonna feed her her ass!

- No, you can't feed her her ass.
- Why not?

Because she's busy sitting on it,

- in a wheelchair.
- What does

that have to do with it?

It has everything to do with it.

- You can't beat up a disabled person.
- Says who?

Says everybody. That's a rule.

Oh, that is so archaic.

She deserves to be treated
just like everybody else.

Oh, get out of here.

I will never understand your generation.

- What is there to understand?
- How is this...

Hey, guys, I'm gonna get going.

Oh, by the way, Sabrina, if you need me,

I'll be posting your entire
journal online. Okay, bye.

No, no, no, no, no!


We had her, Mickey!

You left out the part
where her legs don't work!

Let's go!

All right, let me
have it. How bad is it?

"My mind is cluttered,
like an old drawer

that you haven't cleared out,

that you can't clear out
because it would take too long,

be too painful."

- Wow, that is humiliating.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I was in a bad place, Alba. Okay?

Oh, here's a cheerier one, okay.

"Mickey saved me half a tuna
fish sandwich last night.

"That small gesture is the most
gracious thing anyone has done

since my parents abandoned me."

MICKEY: Oh, that sandwich

was for Jimmy.


But I'm really glad
that it brightened up...

- No.
- know, what

seemed to be a tough day...

Screw this, okay? Just screw it.

This is so pointless, okay?

There is no plan B. (sighs)

I might as well just kill myself.

Well, that's not a terrible idea.

- Thanks.
- Well... no, no, no.

Not actually killing
yourself, but the threat of it?

Oh, everyone will think you are crazy,

and no one would mess with you no more.

Yeah, but suicide's more sad than crazy.

That's not what we're
after. Now, murder-suicide.

- Ooh, yeah.
- There we go,

nobody's messing with that.

Eh, I don't know. That's like
deranged, Jim Jones crazy.

I'm going for more
self-sabotage, train wreck.

Like Britney crazy.

- Oh, I love Britney.
- Yeah, of course you do.

Everyone does, because she's perfect.

And she's currently enjoying

- a great second act.
- Yeah.

I think you might be
onto something here.

Ding-ding, boys.

School's in session.

(inhales deeply)

This is as good as I'll ever be.

Maybe your tooth hurts
'cause you're eating

too much whipped cream.

I'm not eating whipped cream, Ben.

I'm sucking the nitrous out of the can.

Can I have some?


Not until your brain is fully developed.

Talk to me when you're 13.

(inhales deeply)

All right.

I could rip the tongue out
of my own mouth. Pliers.

Watch and learn, boys.

♪ ♪

Dude, wrong tooth. You
got to get the black one.

I know which one it is, okay?

I just can't see inside my own mouth.


You know what? You do it.

No way. I'm not getting
anywhere near that thing.

I'll do it.

Yeah, it's probably better.

This red-headed gumdrop
will bungle it anyway.

Give me the... give me the pliers.

Oh, yeah.

There we go. There's hope for you yet.

(inhales deeply)

All right, before the high wears off.

Got this.


Come on.

I can't get it! It's
too slimy and scummy!

Yeah, well, you got to clamp down on it!

All right, got it, I got it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now grip it and rip it.

All right.

BEN and CHIP: One, two, three!


- Oh my god! It broke off!
- (screaming)

(all screaming)

Painkiller! Painkiller!

(screaming continues)

Are you okay?

- Don't touch me!
- Oh, I'm sorry!

This is what happens when
we're self-sufficient!

Get the keys!

Get the keys!

We need a professional.

- It'll grow back.
- (clippers buzzing)

It'll grow back.

Hey Sabr... Whoa, whoa,
whoa! Hang on, hang on!

What are you doing?

What do you mean? I'm doing Britney.

Oh. Whoa, ho-hold on.

- Hold off on that, just for a second.
- Why?

I-I think maybe, uh,

the old wires got a
little criss-crossed.

- What do you mean?
- You know,

I see now that you were
thinking shaved head Britney.

- Yeah.
- Only problem is

Alba and I, we kind of had

a different take on it, you know?

- (footsteps approaching)
- What's going on?

Just know that I'm very sorry
for what's about to happen.

- What?
- Okay?

Oh, there's the crazy
bitch. Take her away.

- COP: Sabrina Pemberton?
- Yeah?

We're placing you under
involuntary psychiatric care.

What? You 5150'd me?

Yeah, yeah.

Miss Pemberton, I'm gonna need you

to put down that
weapon and come with us.

(chuckles) This isn't a weapon, look.

It's a shaver. I mean... what?

Let me go! I'm not
crazy! You're all crazy!

Oh, yeah, everybody's crazy but her.

Get your hands off!

- This is... ow!
- MICKEY: Whoo!

Wow, authentic. Nice.

(calmly): No. That's... that's good.

- Hey, Mickey?
- Hmm?

Thanks for the sandwich.

You got it.

I think that went great.

Hey, Doc, you got to help
me. Come on, let's go inside

and pop this thing out.

Sir, you need to take
your hands off me.

No, come on. What do you want
to hear, that I was wrong?

That I'm wrong and you're right?

- You need to go to the emergency room.
- Hey, Doc,

he could really use the
help, I'll even pay for it.

I'm a pediatric dentist. This
man needs an oral surgeon!

- No, I believe in you!
- Sir?

- I believe in you.
- I'm warning you, let go of me!

(gurgles) Oh.

- Oh.
- Ah, God!


- Ah, it burns!
- Oh! Oh.

You got it in my mouth!
Come on! Come here!

Come on.

Get out. Get out of the car. Come on!

(tires screech, bones crack)


My hand! (screams)

Oh, you sadistic bastard!


- You crushed me.
- CHIP: Oh.


- (elevator bell dings)
- There she is!

Welcome back.

Oh, you looking...


H-How was your stay?

I'm never talking to you two again.

Do you have any idea
what I saw in there?

A woman threatened to
cut off her own breasts.



Okay, well, you should come

check out what's going on outside,

'cause I think you're gonna
be pleasantly surprised.

Hey, Sabrina.

Uh, I'm so sorry about everything.

I just want us to be friends again.

Here's your journal.

SABRINA: That's okay, Zoe.

I forgive you.

I had a lot of time to think in
there, and I'm not mad at you.

- You're not?
- No.

Oh, my... (chuckles)

Of course not.

It would be such a silly waste of time

for someone like me to be mad at
someone as insignificant as you.

The truth is...

I pity you.


Okay, thanks.

You're welcome. (chuckles softly)

Come on, you guys, let's go.

♪ ♪


I fear for her friends.

MICKEY: Yeah. Well, better them than us.

- Yeah, the bitch is back. (laughs)
- What'd you say?

- No, I didn't say nothing.
- I didn't hear anything.

- No.
- That's what I thought.



(tires screech)

You got to help me.

He got an appointment?