The Mick (2017–2018): Season 1, Episode 12 - Episode #1.12 - full transcript

What are you doing?

You never sucked anything before?

I'm sucking as hard as I can, okay?

- It's not coming.
- Well, suck harder.

All right, and now for
the finale of the tour,

we have all my sweet cars.

See, I don't drive them
yet, but when I do, oh,

I'm gonna drive the
fricking crap out of them.

Who are the gypsies?

The what?

- The gypsies.
- Hello...

Oh, oh, don't worry about
them, they're nothing.

Got to run. Talk to you later, babe.

Okay, good-bye, Prince Handso...

What's up, Prince
Handsome? Who's that girl?

That woman is Yulia.

We met online.

Like an online dating thing?

- Oh, God.
- Oh.

Oh, yeah.

- Mm.
- I don't have the coin

to actually go inside there,

but I've seen those
ads pop up on my screen.

I mean, come on, Chip.

She doesn't like you.
You know that, right?

No duh. I'm not delusional.

That's why I'm flying her out here

so we can get to know
each other in person.


Oh, Chip, that is so pathetic.

Oh, I'm pathetic?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I'm not the one doing

whatever the hell you guys are doing.

What-What are you doing?

We're siphoning gas out of the GT

to put in the Lambo to move the Lambo,

so we can take the Speedster into town.

Why not just take the Lambo?

Because... 'cause then we wouldn't

be driving the Speedster.

What is he saying?

I don't know. He doesn't get it.

What's with the hoses?

I just got done explaining it to you.

We're siphoning.

Did your mom not teach you anything?

You wouldn't last five
seconds in the real world.

This kid's all Pemberton and no Molng.

No what?


- Molng. My last name.
- Mullen?

No. Mullen? Molng.

M-O-L-N-G. Molng.

You need to say it from
the back of your throat.

What? Did your mom not ever
tell you her maiden name?

No. I don't blame her
with a name like that.

Okay, you know what?

Get out of here. Go play
with your webcam girl,

who you're never gonna see
in real life, by the way.

Oh, yes, I will.

She'll be here Friday,
so why don't you see

if they got a couple spare
cages down at the kennel?

I guarantee that money already
went straight up her nose.

I don't know what that means,

but whatever it is, you're wrong.

Ooh, fancy pants.

You going somewhere fun?

Yeah, Kai is taking me out to dinner.

Who's Kai?

My fiancé.

The one you manipulated into
thinking he got me pregnant.

The guy with the milky abs?

Oh. Oh, that guy?

He's still a thing?

Yes, he's still a thing.

He's been studying furniture
design in Scandinavia.

- Mmm.
- Hey, babe.

Hey, what's going on? I
thought we had a reservation.

Oh, yeah.

I thought we could just post up instead.

The Chinese food in Sweden sucked.

Hey, everybody.

- Mm.
- Hey, Kai.

How was furniture school?

I didn't end up going.

Yeah, the application wasn't in English,

so I just did my own thing.

Oh, it wasn't in
English so he didn't go.

Yeah, a lot of sauna, ate some fish.

Anyway, I'm gonna go
beast on this Kung Pao

before it gets cold.

It was nice seeing you guys.

Well, that was a fun exchange.

You know, he's still
figuring some stuff out.

Look, man, I am not judging, okay?

At least he's a hot loser.

Kai's not a loser.

Jimmy's a loser.


They remind me a lot of each other.

That's insane. They are nothing alike.

Look, when I first met Jimmy,

he was a tight little slice of ass.

Then at some point, he
kind of just let himself go,

started growing breasts.

We've kind of just been
phoning it in ever since.

I do not like where this is going.

Two Jimmys is too many Jimmys.

Kung Pao.



I like how you made
your bangs extra big.

The girls love a big bang.

Am I right?

Hey, ooh, Chip, I have
a question for you.

Um, does it make you nervous

that there's only one bag left?

Does that bother you?

- Shut up, okay.
- Mm. Mm-hmm.

Come on, Yulia.

Show yourself.

Um, hey, bud, think it might
be time to throw the towel in.

What do you think?

- Okay, you need to stop. Stop right now.
- Yeah. Sure.

Look, there she is.

- Eh?
- Yulia.

Oh. Oh, sorry, I thought
you were someone else.

Oh, my God.

Oh, it was so good.

How could I be so blind?

Thought Yulia was a beautiful angel.

Turns out she's just a
beautiful, lying whore.

All right, look, first of all,

don't talk about women like that, okay?

Second of all... know, the world's full

of wolves and sheep, right?

Yulia, she's a wolf.

I'm a wolf.

But you, you're a sheep.

And see, it's the wolf's
job to eat the sheep, right?

And so, y-you know,
this was bound to happen.

Great, so I'm gonna
spend the rest of my life

getting devoured.

I mean, not necessarily.

You know, you are half Molng, right?

I guess.

Yeah, so we just got to make sure

that Molng part rises to the top.

All right. What the hell.

Teach me how to be a Mulk.

It's Molng.


Oh, we'll practice in the car.

All right, time to stop being
prey and start being a predator.

First things first, you need
to learn to feed yourself.

Go steal some chips.

Mm, no, thanks.

Ironically, I'm not a big chip guy.

Well... that doesn't matter.

I'm trying to teach you something here.

A wolf takes what it needs.

Yeah, but I don't need chips.

I just ate a quesadilla.

- You ate without me?
- I was hungry.

All right, that's...
that's not the point, okay?

You think a wolf just walks
by a deer and is like, "Meh.

Uh... I'm not that hungry.
I just had a quesadilla."

Where would a wolf get a quesadilla?

G... Go steal the chips, okay?

And I'll meet you outside.

Be smart. Be stealthy.

- Be smooth, just like a wo...
- Oh, my God, get away from me.

You got this.


Wh... Lesson number one:

trust no one.

Are you insane?

You almost just got me
arrested over a bag of chips.

Here's your cut.

I don't want the chicken!
I didn't want the chips!

You used me.

Lesson number two: you look
around the room, you can't

spot the sucker, chances
are you're the sucker.

I know I'm the sucker.
That's why we're here.

You're supposed to teach
me how to be a wolf.

Well, I know a wolf wouldn't let

a perfectly good chicken go to waste.

Fine. Fine.

I'll eat the damn chicken.


Congratulations. You're ready

to move on to phase
two of your training.

Well, finish the chicken.

I mean, I worked very
hard to steal that chicken.

Turns out he was Mormon the whole time.


Didn't realize, um,

you guys were hanging out.

Oh, yeah.

We got a friendship cooking.

Terrific. Can I talk to Kai?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.


You got to lift it.

- Oh.
- Yeah, you got it.

This guy knows his stuff.

Ah, he's great.

So what's up, babe?

You know...

I was just wondering,
now that you're home,

what's your plan?

I don't know. You want to
see a movie or something?

No. No.

I-I meant something bigger.

Oh, you mean like an IMAX?

Forget the movie.

Kai, what are your dreams?

Well, you are, babe.

I got everything I need
right here in this sauna.

Maybe you should start figuring it out

so that people don't
think that you're a loser.

People think I'm a loser?



They don't now.

But they might think that soon.

You know?

So maybe it's a good time

to just start thinking about it.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- For you, anything.
- Thank you.

I'll let you get back to it.

- Okay.
- Okay, good.

Oh, you got to lift it.

Yeah, I live here.


Step into my office.

Your office smells like urine.

I thought we were going to a horse race.

What the hell is this place?

It's off track betting.

Why'd I wear a suit?

Beats me, that was your choice.

Okay, if you want to be a wolf,

you're gonna need to
learn to spot a sheep.

What about that guy?

Very good. Why?

'Cause he's waving his money around

- like a jackass.
- Exactly.

Kind of like you with
your Internet prostitute.

What? She's not an Internet prostitute.

Yeah. Yes, she is.

Will you just get to the point?

Yeah. Okay.

All right. First things first.


Oh! What the hell?

Wh... Ugh!

Okay. Your turn, do me.

And don't give me one of
your sissy taps, either, okay?

I need you to muster up
all the strength you can

in that tiny, pale, bony body of yours.

Come on, come on, man.

I will ruin you when we get home.

Now give me your wallet.

No way, I don't trust you.

Very nice. You're learning.

Good. Do need the wallet, though,

'cause it's part of the thing,
so give it to me. I'll give it

back to you in a minute,
you're gonna get it back.

Okay, follow me.

Look, he's making a move.

- Excuse me.
- Here he goes. Go, go.

Excuse me.


Hey. My nephew and I just
got mugged in the parking lot.

It's that guy in the hat over there.

Wait here.

This the guy?

Yep, that's him.

What are you talking about?

Check his pockets.

You'll find my nephew's wallet

and a winning ticket for the sixth race.

I've never seen this woman before.

You okay?

My apologies, ma'am.

Don't worry about a thing.

- We'll handle it from here.
- Thank you.

You like beating up on kids,
you sick son of a bitch?

- Uh, no. Whoa.
- Oh.


- Yikes.
- I don't even know her!

I'm not used to working with kids.

That really struck a nerve. Oh, man!

That was amazing.

How much did we make?

38 bucks... Boom.

That-That's it?

- Hmm?
- The suit you destroyed cost a grand.

Yeah. Lesson 14: Dress casual.

Wolves don't wear suits.

Wolves don't wear anything.

What are you...?

You got to cash the ticket.

Will you please just relax?

Oh, that's probably the cops.

Here to throw us in jail
for $38 and a chicken.

So calm down. Wolves don't get rattled.

You're not a wolf, you're
a frickin' bottom feeder.

If anything, you are an oyster,

and I eat oysters.

Why are you talking
about eating oysters?

What the hell is going on? Talk normal.

I'm done with this.

All right. Well, wolves don't quit.

- Well, I do.
- Chip...

Someone's here to see you.

Hello, my Chip.

It was the crazies.

The immigration people
held me for whole day.

I tell them, "I has my visa, misters,"

but they don't do listening.

Those scumbags.

They didn't touch you, did they?

Okay. And why didn't you just call Chip?

I didn't has American telephone.

You know what?

Tomorrow you get yourself a new phone.

Oh, come on.

So you're telling me there was no phone

for you to borrow?

I'm sorry. This just isn't adding up.

Yulia's answered enough
questions for one day.

- She just flew across the frickin' world.
- Mm-hmm.

Come on, Yulia. I'll
help you get settled.


Who the hell is this?

I am Yulia. I am girlfriend of Chip.

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

Alba, can you please help
Yulia to the guest room?

Thank you, Chip.

...crap outside.

How does it taste?

How does what taste?

The frickin' foot in your mouth.

I can't believe I listened to you.

Yulia's not scamming me.

Oh, you stupid little boy.

You just let a wolf
right into the henhouse.

It's a fox in the henhouse, idiot.

You don't let anything
into the henhouse.

'Cause it'll eat the hens.

Hey. Whatcha doing?

Oh, hey, babe.

I'm just getting ready
to go to a meeting.

You're going to a
meeting dressed like that?

Oh, right.

Ah, I got so excited, I
totally forgot to tell you.

- What?
- I'm starting my own business.

- You are?
- Yeah.

Babe, that's so great.
I'm really happy for you.

Yeah. It's awesome.

You ready to do this or what?

- What's he doing here?
- That's my business partner.

Yeah, we're gonna go
have a brainstorming sesh

- right now in the sauna.
- You two are working together.

All that stuff you said
was really inspiring.

- What?
- I told Jimmy about our talk.

- Wh... That's not what I...
- It got me thinking.

Who's the neediest demographic?

Women, right?

What do women love? Beef.

And what do they hate?

Fixing crap.

So we put the two together,
and came up with...

- Stud Nailers.
- Yeah.

It's our shirtless handyman service.

It's like topless maids, but dudes.

Plus, having a business partner,

who's also a friend,

takes off a lot of pressure.

Now, see? That story alone's

gonna get us tons of customers, man.

And then this ab thing,
that is icing on the cake.

Your abs are made of cake.

Okay. Well, right now they are,

so Kai hits the field
solo for a little bit,

I hang back, drop some L-Bs,

and then I just come riding up ripped.

It's a good thing we
got that sauna, right?


Course, I'm also gonna
get a beard trimmer,

and take care of all my downstairs...


how was everyone's day?


My cousin violated his parole,

which in and of itself isn't good news,

but we're gonna get his
van until he gets out.

I'm thinking we just
stick a giant-ass decal

right on the side of it.

Dude, great idea!

It's gonna be like a mobile billboard.



it'll still be a van.

Babe, I am...

I'm so proud of you. It's so exciting.

Just don't get your hopes up, you know?

What do you mean?

Mm, handyman service?

It's not exactly a groundbreaking idea.

How much money can you really make?

- A lot.
- I see same thing

with street girls in my country.

So many risks, too small money.

Yeah. This girl gets it.

Who are you again?

Wha... She's my girlfriend.

Why does everyone keep questioning that?

Yeah, everyone can see
that she is his girlfriend.

Why don't you put on a Web show instead?

That way you can has many
customers all at once,

and you also not get hurt.

That's brilliant.

- Jimmy, did you hear that?
- Yeah.

So smart, babe.

Yeah, totally. You know what?

I'm just gonna come
right out and ask it.

Yulia, what are your intentions here?

Oh, Chip invited me.

No, no, I know. That
wasn't the question, was it?

I'm wondering, what is a wolf like you

doing with a sheep like Chip?

No, Yulia, you do not have
to answer that question.

Is okay.

I like Chip because he's sheep.


Sheep are good. They're soft.

A sheep will never hurt me.

In Soviet times,

my papa was turned into,

um... how you call?

Drinking cripple.


He was not very gentle

to my mother.

So to help my mother,

I had to, um...

...I had to do a lot
of things to survive.

Life has not been easy for me.


We've all had to do things to survive.

Stop. Stop. You see what you did?

Now she's all upset.

Come on, Yulia, you
don't have to take this.

I like her.

She has great ideas.



Uh, we're getting gas,

'cause we're going to the
hardware store tomorrow.

Cool. So, about Stud Nailers,
I need you to stop it.

You want us to stop our business?

That, your friendship, everything.

I don't want you hanging
out with Kai anymore.

- Why?
- Because I want him to have a chance,

and if he keeps hanging out
with you, that won't happen.

You ruined your chance.

Your life is dark and depressing.

Okay, you know, Sabrina,
by the tone of your voice,

I can tell you're about to
say something pretty hurtful.

Were you not just listening?
I said something hurtful.

Your life is sad.

I don't want you around
Kai anymore, okay?

Look, listen, sweetheart,

if you think I'm gonna
throw away a friendship

for a little bit of cash in my pocket...

How's $2,000?

That's a lot more than I thought...

He can't know it was my idea.

Got it?


- Okay, we've got Sabrina's laptop...
- Mm-hmm.

- Chip's Rolex,
- Mm-hmm.

Ben's Sandy Koufax ball,

- okay, my... flannel.
- Oh, good.

We need something of yours.
Let me get that necklace.

Mm, uh, no.

My abuelita gave this
to me when I was five.

Alba, we each need to
put something in the bag,

or it's gonna look shady, okay?

Oh, I don't know about this.

We're just speeding up the inevitable.

- Oh...
- If a crooked cop

plants drugs on a guilty suspect,

the suspect's still guilty, right?

What kind of drugs?

What kind... A-Are you serious?

I don't know, Alba. What kind of drugs

do you need it to be in
order to give me the necklace?

- Coke?
- Coke!

It's coke. Thank you.

You're driving me nuts.

All right, we wake up in a few hours...

say we've been robbed,

find all of our crap in Yulia's bag,

and Chip will finally see her

for the dishonest tramp that she is.

- That's good.
- It's gonna be so fun.

Hey! There he is.

Pop those jeans off.

Start sweating.

I'm not here to sweat with you, Kai.

You're not?

No, I'm not.

Not today or ever again.

I don't understand.

Well, I've been doing
some thinking, and, uh...

I think Stud Nailers is dumb,

and I think you're dumb.

But I thought we were friends.

Yeah, that's 'cause
you're a dumb guy, Kai.

So don't try and contact me

or come win me back or just, you know...

Just leave me alone, all right?

- You got to jiggle it.
- I know I have to jiggle it.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

Oh, good morning, Romeo.

How'd you sleep?

- Fine.
- Mickey, we have a problem.

We have been robbed!

- What?!
- Yeah. Who in the entire world

could do something like this?
It could be anyone... Yuli...

Somebody stole my laptop.

Somebody stole my baseball!

I can't find my boots.

What? All right, all right,
everybody just settle down.

We'll get to the bottom of this.

- Hey, Chip, where's Yulia?
- Whoa.

Probably somewhere over the Atlantic.

- Huh?
- Wha...?

I dumped her.

What? Why?

She totally emasculated
me last night at dinner.

I can't be with somebody
who thinks I'm a sheep.

That necklace

has been in my family for generations.

- Damn it, Chip,
- My mother had...

Everyone, calm down!

Relax, okay? I'll explain what happened.

What happened is that you got played

just exactly like I told
you you were going to.

- I feel so stupid.
- Yeah. Yeah.

You know why? 'Cause you are stupid.

Here I am, spewing information,
life skills all over you.

And what do you do?
You just swat 'em away!

You swat every single one of them away,

and then you're all
confused about what happened?

Oh, you stupid child.

You know, I... I think
the real lesson here

is that it's easy to brand
all adult entertainers

as untrustworthy crooks.

But if you really
want to know the truth,

it's women in general
that cannot be trusted.

You're one to talk. Thief.


Kai didn't come to bed last night, okay?

I know you didn't break up with him.

Yeah, I did, last night in the sauna.

What is that smell? You guys smell that?

Oh, ah, careful, now.

The door was so warped,

there was just no escape.

I apologize.

Watch it!

Oh, God.

Low step.

Come on.

Look, Sabrina, I am so sorry.

Ai, that sauna took the wrong Jimmy.


Well, you know,

you really should have fixed that door.