The Mick (2017–2018): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

♪ ♪

♪ Yes, I'm a mutating French ♪

♪ Kissing Andy ♪

♪ Kissing Jack, kissing Johnny ♪

♪ Kissing Mike ♪

♪ Smacking chicks and licking faces ♪

♪ Snugging ladies,
slapping boys, boys, boys ♪

♪ Kissing Andy, kissing Jack ♪

♪ Kissing Johnny, kissing Mike ♪

♪ Smacking chicks and licking faces ♪

♪ Snugging ladies,
slapping boys, boys, boys ♪



♪ Going hot ♪

♪ Tease your daddy,
driving wild, wild nuts... ♪

♪ Chorus ♪

♪ So... ♪

♪ Wha-uh-uh-oh ♪

(laughing)

♪ Kill me, kill me. ♪

They're in this cocoon,

but they wake up and it's
like a primordial soup.

- Soup, I know.
- And their mouth is the butt...

- Please stop.
- ...and the butt' the mouth, which is...

I know, I already know!

I just don't want to hear
it again, no offense.

I... um, you're driving me nuts.



I'm excited!

I've never been to a mansion before!

Well, it's not a social
visit, all right?

My sister sucks.

Hey, okay. That's your sister.

Yeah, you despise your sister.

Yeah, well, 'cause my
sister's a locksmith.

She lives in a box.

Your sister's a freakin' millionaire.

Well, no, she married a millionaire,

there's a big difference.

- (engine running rough)
- Oh...

baby got a big old butt! (laughs)

That's gasoline.

What?

Oh, my God! (spits)

Why do you have gasoline?

Well, I'm not gonna
pay Greenwich prices.

So you keep it in a juice jug?!

Yeah. You spit all over my dash.

What'd you want me to do with it?

I don't know, deal with...

here we go.

- Cop, cop, cop! Put the gas away.
- What happ...

- Why?
- I got this.

- Why, why?
- I got you, I got you.

Howdy.

Everything okay here?

(restrained laughter)

- Security.
- Yeah.

(laughing) Yeah.

We're fine, not that it's
any of your concern.

- You guys lost?
- No.

My sister lives here.

Okay.

Stay out of trouble.

Will do, Officer.

(both laughing)

What the hell was that?

- Well...
- Guy treats us like a bunch of lowlifes?

Yeah, welcome to Greenwich.

Yeah, I should have spit on him.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Jimmy, where you going?

To the barbecue.

Oh, no.

No, you're not coming in with me.

Why not?

'Cause your embarrassing.
You embarrass me.

I'm embarrassed of you. (laughs)

Then why the hell
did I just drive up here

from Rhode Island?

So I can drink.

Uh, just pop on the game.

No! I'm not gonna sit out
here like some goon and...

Whoa, uh, ninth, go, go.

Here comes the pitch.

Everyone, shut up.

(groaning): Swing at crap!

♪ ♪

(Mickey gasping)

(coughing)

Can I bum a smoke, please?

(coughing)

No.

Well...

okay, fine. I'll kick you a dollar.

It's okay, I already have a dollar.

Thank you, though.

(laughs) Well, it's just
kind of customary

to help out a fellow smoker in need.

I get the sense that
you're in need a lot.

What's your problem?

I don't have a problem.

You do.

Otherwise, we wouldn't
be having this conversation.

- Sorry to bother you.
- It's okay.

Intercepted.

Are you serious?

Bitch!

Bitch.

(glass clinking)

BOY: Relax, Mom. It's only cider.

Hello, everyone.

I'm Chip Pemberton.

I live right up there.

In the spirit of Labor Day,

let's give it up to the real laborers,

the caterers,

- the valet, and...
- Hey, there.

- Oh, my God. Mackenzie.
- What?

Hi. What are you, um,
wha-what are you doing here?

Well, you invited me.

But we invite you every
year and you never come.

- Huh.
- Mackenzie, wow.

- (sighing): Christopher.
- (phone buzzing)

What has it been like,
eight, nine years?

- Oh, I got to get this.
- Whoa. No, I can't... okay.

Uh, Liz, look.

Um, this is my sister, Mackenzie.

- Oh, this is the sister.
- Yes.

The sister?

What are you? You're the...

- Neighbor.
- The neighbor?

Well, I'll let you two catch up.

- You don't...
- Poodle, call me.

- Mm-hmm.
- Good luck.

Okay.

Did she just call you Poodle?

It's cute, right?

- Poodle, huh?
- Yeah.

All right.

- You look nice.
- Thank you so much.

Yeah.

What'd you do to your...
you did something to your face?

I did, yeah. I upgraded a bit.

- Uh-huh.
- BEN: Mommy?

I got a nosebleed.

Oh, gross.

Get-get... Alba, could you...?

ALBA: Oh, yes, Ms. Poodle?

Oh, okay. Estás bien.

- Vámonos, Benito.
- Gracias, Alba.

Ay, vamos a limpiar.

They have their own
little secret language.

So annoying.

And you should see Sabrina.
Oh, my... oh, there she is.

Sabrina, look, it's your Aunt Mackenzie.

(laughing)

Sabrina.

Wow. Aunt Mackenzie.

I haven't seen you since you were young.

- (laughs)
- Sabrina's going to Yale next year.

I got into Yale,
that doesn't mean I'm going.

- Well, you sh...
- That's probably a good call.

Cute.

Remind me, what do you do again?

You know how it goes.

Just kind of in between things.

- (chuckles)
- I don't...

but good luck with your things.

- Thank you.
- (giggles)

- Isn't she amazing?
- Oh, she is.

I am amazed.

- So, listen,
- Yeah?

Poodle. (chuckles)

Um, I wanted to give you an opportunity

- to invest in my future.
- There it is.

This is the Mickey that I know.

- What are you talking about?
- I was half your age when I settled down.

Settle down? You got knocked up by

some rich guy when you
were working as a stripper.

(whispering):
I was waitress at a strip club.

You were a topless waitress.

Okay. And that's even worse,

it just means you couldn't dance.

Hey! I am a great dancer.

FBI!

♪ ♪

We have a warrant for
the arrest of Christopher

and Pamela Pemberton for fraud.

...checks the runner at first.

(engine starts)

(woman gasping)

- (grunts)
- WOMAN: Who was that?

That ball is laced into the gap...

(engine squealing)

(yells)

(tires screeching)

JIMMY: What?!

- Watch the shoes.
- Oh,

hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, hang on.

- That's my sister. Poodle!
- Hi.

- What the hell?
- Yeah, I don't know.

Listen. I need you to
watch the kids tonight.

- Your kids?
- Yeah.

No, no, I-I'm a bad choice for that job.

Oh, no, no. You just need to

get them to school in the morning, okay?

- Hey. - This whole thing is
a huge misunderstanding.

Have that neighbor lady,
the one with the hat?

Absolutely not.
I'd never hear the end of it.

Uh, babysitter? Don't
you have a babysitter?

Ooh, I know! Get one of those guys

outside the hardware store to-to do it.

- They'll do it.
- Damn it, Mickey.

My hands are kind of tied right now.

Okay, watch the hair.

Listen, just act like their aunt

for one day and I'll get you
the money that you need, okay?

And don't ruin them!

♪ ♪

Uh...

(exhales)

So...

your parents are safe

and they just wanted to see

if I could spend a little
time with you guys

while this whole thing gets sorted.

(laughs)

It will get sorted, okay?

And when it does,

those FBI pigs will be
the ones rotting in jail.

Mommy and Daddy are in jail?

(stammering)

Don't worry, Ben.

The scales of justice tip
in favor of the wealthy.

If we throw enough money at this thing,

I'm sure it will go away.

And then we'll sue their
asses for defamation,

- okay?
- Okay.

Okay.

So, I have an idea. Ooh!

Why don't we all just hunker down

and play poker all night long,

until this whole thing blows over?

(scoffs) That's not gonna work for me.

Yeah, I'm gonna go to this fund-raiser

for Planned Parenthood.

Probably crash at my friend's place,

go to the city tomorrow.

So just don't expect to see me too much.

You know, we probably won't
see each other at all.

But hey,

let's catch up again in ten years

when you need another loan.

Listen, Sabrina,
I got a lot riding on this gig,

so can you do me a
favor and not be a big,

giant, pain in the ass, please?

Maybe you don't know this,
but Planned Parenthood

provides health care to
over three million women

in this country.

Oh, sweetie, I know all
about Planned Parenthood.

I should have one of those punch
cards that gets you a free sub

every ten visits.

Gross.

No, I just meant...

I-I never got, like... uh...

I just had a bunch of bacterial
infect... you know what?

- Ew.
- The point is,

you want to make a difference?

Go out on the front line, right?

Chain yourself to a redwood,

light yourself on fire.

Just not tonight, understood?

I'm sorry, were you saying something?

I was distracted by how
uneven your eyebrows are.

♪ ♪

My Uber's here, so I'm out.

I'll be home whenever.

Cool.

What are you drinking?

Oh, just some absinthe.

Want to take a ride?

Seriously?

You're not driving.

(cork squeaks off bottle, Sabrina sighs)

Sure, what the hell?

- (sets bottle on table)
- Okay.

(groans)

(shudders)

- Yes!
- (coughs)

Listen.

(clears throat) I feel like
we got off on the wrong foot,

and I know that you're going
through a lot right now,

um, with your parents and...

Oh, I don't care about that.

Oh.

Okay, well, whether
you do or you don't...

I don't.

All right, well, the point is,

I'm your aunt and I want
to be the cool aunt.

I want you to come
to me with boy problems.

Or girl problems. I don't assume.

What do you say?

Can we start over?

Please?

Yeah, okay. Why not?

(grunts)

Mm-hmm.

Um... I just, like,

I'm really happy that we're talking,
and, I don't know,

I just feel like... there is something

that I wanted to say to you.

Yes, anything, please.

(clears throat)

I know you think you're pretty clever

with this little plan to
drink me under the table.

But you see, there are two problems.

You're not.

And you can't.

Peace out, Mackenzie.

(grunts)

Uh-oh.

Something the matter?

No, I'm good, I just felt
kind of funny for a second.

Oh, man.

Funny how?

Funny like you just
drank six different types

of sleep medication funny?

(chuckles)

What?

You got straight played, homie.

No, but you took it, too.

- I...
- I don't want you to worry about me.

I can handle my 'Quil.

(stammering) Why'd you do that?

(stammers mockingly)

Because I own you.

- What?
- Night-night, princess.

Let's get you into your jams.

- No.
- Come on, I got you.

- No, wait! Wait.
- Come on.

- Hold on.
- (straining): Upsy-daisy.

(birds chirping)

(gasps)

Keys. Alba.

I need some car keys, the kids are late.

Oh, the kids go to school already.

Ms. Poodle likes to sleep in, too,

so I took care of it.

Oh.

That was easy.

You want me to make you breakfast?

Well, I mean,

I don't want you to
not make me breakfast.

All right,

so what's the deal with that pool?

Is it heated?

Oh, I don't know.

I never tried.

(mouth full): You're telling
me you're here every single day

busting your hump,

these entitled monkeys
don't even let you get wet?

Oh, I cannot swim.

That's not the point.

The pool's a metaphor.

No, you're getting boxed out,

- and I don't like that.
- Oh.

I'll tell you what,

as long as I'm here,
you and me, we're equals.

Yeah?

Oh, yeah, in fact...

pull up a chair,
we're eating breakfast together.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

(laughs) Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, wait, wait, wait.

I mean...

you got to cook the food first.

- Oh.
- But after that,

equals.

♪ ♪

- Oh.
- (groaning)

♪ I'm having a ball ♪

- Yeah, that one'll be fun.
- Okay.

Here come the shoes.

Come closer, I can't reach it.

Trust me.

No! Come on!

No!

Oh, man.

You are a bummer.

Yep.

♪ I'm having a ball ♪

♪ I'm running the show ♪

- Catch it!
- Oh, what? I don't want it.

All right.

♪ With so much love ♪

- ♪ I'll never know ♪
- (yelling)

(humming)

♪ Each day I wake up ♪

♪ And greet ♪

♪ The world at my feet ♪

Whoa!

(yells, then grunts)

♪ I'm having a ball. ♪

What's the matter with her?

I think she's dead.

She's not dead, I can see her breathing.

(Mickey gasping loudly, kids yell)

Oh, hey.

You guys are home.

Cool.

What's everybody thinking for dinner?

We just ate breakfast.

You were like this when we came
home from school yesterday.

Huh?

Well, where's Alba?

Help!

Somebody!

Oh.

All right, well, uh...

good morning.

What's that crap on your head?

An owl, it's our mascot.

We're unveiling a live
one today at assembly.

It's gonna be awesome.

It's not gonna be awesome, it's sick.

He's gonna be trapped in a cage

while a bunch of morons poke him

and feed him gummy bears.

Ugh! Change the record.

This song sucks.

How would you feel if someone
ripped you off your barstool

and threw you in a cage?

I cannot count the number of times

I've been ripped off a
barstool and thrown in a cage.

Cool story.

We're gonna head out, okay?

Give my regards to the groom.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
How about I drive you guys?

Should probably get out of the house.

Yesterday kind of got away from me.

- (gears grinding)
- MICKEY: Get in there, you bastard.

- Let's do it. Ugh!
- (engine stops)

There. Here we are.

Bye, Sabrina.

Have a great day, I love you.

Auntie loves you all day long.

- Morning, Chip.
- Hey, Steffi.

- How's it going?
- 'Sup, Chippy?

How are your folks liking the clink?

- Oh!
- (laughter)

Freaking Geno Pinero!

I hate that guy.

Yeah. Well, do something about it.

Like what?

The guy is a maniac.

He stuck a garden hose
up Danny Clerkin's butt

and the water shot out of his nose!

Okay.

Well, that didn't happen,

but I am delighted
that the rumor exists.

Look, pal, next time he gives you crap,

yank his pants down and
point at his tiny pecker.

That'll do it.

You're insane, okay?

He-He'll pound me.

No! Humor trumps violence.

Trust me, girls want the funny guy.

LIZ: Mackenzie.

- Ah! Oh.
- I thought that was you.

Liz, Poodle's friend.

- Mm-hmm.
- How are you managing with the kids?

Sabrina can be a bit of a handful.

Sabrina?

No, she's been very helpful.

I don't know how I'd manage without her.

Well, I got to run.

Make sure you get some sleep,
you look tired.

- Bye, hon.
- Bye, hon.

That woman is a real
see you next Tuesday.

What happens on Tuesday?

Tacos.

Two-dollar drink specials.

(school bell rings)

What are you still doing there?

I miss Mommy and Daddy.

♪ ♪

Well...

I'll tell you what, kid.

Why don't you pop on up front?

You are playing hooky today. Come on.

But what if I miss something important?

Like what? How to roll your
boogers between your fingers

till they disappear?

Buckle up.

(car engine starts)

(groans) I am hungover.

What's hungover?

Well, (sighs)

you know, it's, like...

you know when you eat
a whole bunch of candy?

Sweet stuff, and at
the time it feels great,

but then the next day you got,
like, a tummy ache?

Uh-huh.

That's hungover.

Have you tried pooping?

Sometimes that makes
my tummy feel better.

I have not. But I will definitely

take that into consideration. Thank you.

Uh, hey, Ben, you hungry?

You, uh, feeling like
having some ice cream?

I can't. My mom says I'm allergic.

Yeah, well, I got news for you, pal.

Your mom is just projecting her
own eating disorders onto you.

What's projecting?

Great question.
Projecting, that's, like,

when something's wrong with you,
but you think something's

- wrong with somebody else.
- Hey. Fire!

- What? What?
- Fire! Help!

Oh, yeah. Somebody get that.

(grunting)

Hey! Here you go, buddy, dig in.

Why didn't we pay for it?

I don't have any money.

Why not?

Some people have less money than others.

Why?

Look, pal. I'm not gonna just
stop the whole day and explain

the ins and outs of the economy
to you, all right, now?

'Cause it's boring, okay?

And also 'cause I don't totally
have a firm grasp on it myself.

Well, I would have paid for you.

You are so sweet.

Now, don't you go breaking
your piggy bank open.

Is that... is that a Black Card?

- ♪ I got that mula, mula, mula, mula ♪
- (tires screech)

♪ Queso, queso, queso,
queso, camouflage money ♪

- ♪ They can't see my bankroll ♪
- ♪ Nah ♪

♪ I been whipping, whipping...
Django, Django ♪

♪ Smooth, smooth ♪

Sabrina?

♪ I really don't know why I called ♪

♪ Why you call her? ♪

What's up?

♪ I said I really don't
know why I called ♪

What is that gross bird
doing in this house?

I stole him from school.
I just couldn't watch him

- be treated like that anymore, you know?
- Oh, yes. Yes.

I'm sure he's much happier here
listening to thumping techno

with your moron friends.

- (owl screeches)
- (shouts) Control your animal!

Relax. I'm gonna liberate
him in a wildlife preserve

near Stratford. (chuckles)

Are you insane? Take him back
to school right this second,

before you get busted.

- (slams door)
- Oh, great!

What happened to you?

I'll tell you what happened.

I tried to trump violence with humor,

and violence won by a landslide.

Well, clearly you didn't do it right.

Did you remember to
laugh at his tiny penis?

That part's pretty important.

It was humongous!

I'm lucky he didn't beat me with it.

Okay. I... uh, go put a steak on
your face or something, I don't know.

Sabrina, can you please
try and think for a second?

You're the one who told me to
get out on the front lines.

Well, I don't... I give terrible advice!

- Everybody knows that.
- Look at me!

I'm grotesque.

- I'm gonna sue his ass.
- For what?

Battery.

And then I'm going to sue
the school for negligence.

Okay. Pipe down, all right? You're not

gonna sue your way
into this girl's pants.

- Oh, yeah? Watch me!
- (doorbell rings)

Now what?

What do you want?

Just checking in. You don't
strike me as much of a cook,

- so I brought you a casserole.
- Oh, you are so,

- so sweet. (fake gasps)
- (gasps)

Oh! Shoot.

You did that on purpose.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my, what did you

- do to him?
- No. I didn't do that.

He got pounded at school for
checking out some kid's wiener.

Because of you!

Now Steffi thinks I'm a joke

and Geno's got the raddest
freaking dong in school.

LIZ: Okay. (groans)

Mickey, can I have some more ice cream?

(screaming): Oh, oh!

That's it. I'm calling the cops.

Why don't you call the
cops from your house?

Get your hands off me. Lady, I haven't
even begun to put hands on you.

- Afternoon, ladies.
- Oh, you again.

- Is everything okay?
- Officer, this woman assaulted me.

Number one, that is ludicrous.
Number two, this man

is an officer of nothing.

She's a danger to these children.

- The kids are fine.
- They do not look fine.

You know what? Why don't you both get

- out of my house?
- It's not your house.

Can I see some identification?

I'm not showing you dick. Sabrina?

Don't you go anywhere.
I am not done talking to you.

- Do you live here?
- Yeah.

Who is this?

No idea.

Okay, ma'am. Why don't we step outside

until we figure this out?

You are not even a real cop.
You've got a cloth badge.

Don't make me detain you.

With what? You have no gun.

No, I have a Taser.

Bitch, I hope you brought
two, 'cause Mama's

got a real high tolerance.

Okay. Here we go.

Oh, no! Oh! (gasps)

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!

- Oh! Are you okay?
- I doubt it.

This is all your fault.
I'm calling the real police

- for this...
- Oh! Oh!

Whoa! Alba!

Are you serious?

That was unbelievable.

I don't like these people,

but I like you.

So, go stop Sabrina, and don't worry,

I will clean this up.

Y-Yeah. Yeah.

Just to be clear,
when you say clean it up...?

Oh, I take 'em home,
make sure they're okay.

- Okay. Good, good, good. Thank you!
- Mm-hmm.

Sabrina, it's me!

- (gears grinding)
- Aah!

Listen to me, you can't just steal owls.

Uh, if you free this owl,

I will murder another one,
just to even the score.

So, know that!

This is an insane message. Call me back.

Sabrina, where are you?!

- (phone rings)
- (sighs)

Sabrina, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm cool.
I'm at this loft party in SoHo.

It's all right.

Then what am I doing at
the wildlife preserve?

Pop the trunk.

♪ ♪

- (owl screeching)
- (screams)

(chuckles)

No, Ben. Give me the matches.

- Please stay out of my purse, okay?
- (phone rings)

Hello.

POODLE: Hey, sis, it's me.

Where the hell are you?

Oh, uh, we had to flee the country.

What? I thought you said
it was a misunderstanding.

- It was. It is.
- Well...

It's complicated. Listen.

I need you to watch the
kids a little longer.

No. No. Nope. No, I'm not gonna do that.

I already did my time.
No, my answer's no.

Uh, sorry, Mick, no, yeah,
you-you're breaking up.

- I can't hear you.
- Oh, no, no, no.

I know what you're doing. Stop it.
I can hear you just fine.

- Tell the kids Mommy loves them.
- No, Poodle. No.

- I'll be back soon. All right.
- Poodle, no!

- Can't hear you, hanging up, gotta go.
- Don't you hang up the phone.

Hello? Hello?

♪ ♪

You okay?

You don't look so hot.

I mean, you never look great,

but right now you
look, like, actively bad.

No. I'm fine, Sabrina.
Thank you for your concern.

How are you?

I'm awesome. This chicken is fantastic.

Oh, sweetheart.

That's not chicken.

(Chip laughs)

Hmm.

♪ ♪