The Mayor (2017–2018): Season 1, Episode 4 - City Hall-oween - full transcript

Hey, Courtney. When you have a second,

I wanna go over
the press conference with you.

Courtney?

That was tight!

You actually seemed terrified.

I didn't seem terrified.
I was terrified.

You almost just gave me a heart attack.

That's the highest compliment
you could ever give me.

What the hell, man?

You stole my costume concept.

What? It was my concept first.



Mornin', Val.

When you smell burnt toast,

is it a heart attack or is it a stroke?

- Really, man?
- Yeah.

I knew you guys
were doing scary zombies,

so I wanted to turn it to a group thing.

Zombies don't work well in groups.

When was the last time
you've been to the supermarket

and saw two zombies shopping together?

- Last week on The Walking Dead.
- Come on, man.

- I haven't even seen it yet.
- Spoiler alert.

Val, help us out.
Who should be the zombie?

If I tell you, can we please
get back to work?

Him.



The Mayor Season 1
Episode 4 City Hall-oween

Happy Halloween!

Candy man, coming through.

Happy Halloween, brother.

You're gonna have to fight

- the pigeon for that one,
- Hey.

Happy Halloween. Hey, you be...

Ah! Oh!

Hey! It didn't hurt.

- Hey, watch where you're going.
- Hey, Elijah!

There's some rude kids in this city.

I almost got impeached
for giving them free candy.

Ooh, Elijah,

what did the boyfriend ghost
call his girlfriend ghost?

His boo?

Y-You heard that one?

No, I figured it out.

Definitely.

Anyways, how's the big costume
coming along?

You better not be going as Mayor Rose!

Right?

Nah, that... that'd be cute.
That'd be...

My mom doesn't let me trick or treat.

She says it's not safe

to be running around
the streets at night.

Huh?

That's okay.

It'll just remind me of
what I'm missing out on.

"Good & Plenty." Not missing much.

Bye, Mayor Rose.

"Dateline," "48 Hours Mystery"?

"20/20." The one where
the husband shot his wife

and then dyed his hair blond.

That's, like, all of 'em.

- I know right?
- Yo.

- Ohh!
- What? What?

Not my Dina! Take Jermaine!

Somebody call 911!

Gotcha again!

Oh!

Every year, she gets you,

and every year you scream
like a little girl.

What's wrong with that?

Some of the strongest people
I know are little girls.

Hey, where'd you get
the Sad Courtney mask?

Usually it's, "Hey, Ma. It's Halloween.

Where's the pumpkin pie?"

And then I say, "You mean
my sweet potato pie?

'Cause black folk
don't eat pumpkin pie,"

then we laugh and talk about
white people desserts.

"Tarts"... what is that?

Guys, guys, guys, guys. That's enough.

Talk to me.

So, I was hanging out with
my little buddy, Elijah,

and he said that he can't
go out this Halloween

because the city got too dangerous.

That never stopped 8-year-old Courtney.

Court, you went trick-or-treating

because your Mama worked
some serious Mama magic.

Is this another one of your stories?

'Cause I want to hear every detail.

Every year on Halloween,
I would shut this building down

so you boys could go
runnin' around carefree

like a bunch of maniacs.

I went door-to-door guilting
the neighbors into helping out.

Even had to vet a couple of them first,

and by "vet," I mean
"open their mail looking for crazy."

- That's smart.
- Very smart.

And also time-consuming as hell.

But it was worth it

to make sure that you guys had
a safe Halloween.

You know what?

The kids of Fort Grey deserve to have

the same Halloween experience
that we had,

and by the power vested in me as mayor,

I'ma give it to 'em.

Aw, that's my boy.

Making me proud...

Oh! Whoa!

Ohh!

On "20/20," the husband also
rigged her body with explosives.

He was sick.

Come on, man. Move it a little bit.

- No, I got to return the bucket
- That's your...

- to the car wash after.
- bucket in here, right?

Come on, man.

- It's gonna be good, man.
- It's gonna be so good.

- It's gonna be amazing.
- No, no, no.

Seriously?

Rigging a bucket to spill on someone?

Guys, I'm obsessed with fun.

A random cat video,

switching from sparkling water
to flat water,

that time we all went to Coffee Bean.

- Hmm.
- But come on.

Childish antics do not belong
in a government building.

This isn't the White House.

- It's not childish, it's child-like.
- Right.

Which means it's joyful
and aspirational.

I guess it is child-like.

Don't do it in here.

There is a lot of hate
coming from that direction.

Halloween hate... That's the worst kind.

Just cool it with the mischief, okay?

Okay. No more mischief.

Miss-chif.

Miss... chif.

Miss Chief?

Miss Chief of Staff!

- I thought I had something there.
- Me too.

Had to explore it.

Sometimes there ain't no gold
at the end of that rainbow.

Just a little, angry person.

Okay, thank you. Hey.

- Hey.
- So, listen.

Um, this press conference is
pretty standard stuff.

The police chief makes a speech
on Halloween safety,

you smile, you co-sign, you leave.

- Chief Fox is no-nonsense.
- Oh, yeah, no.

I've seen her little salty mug on TV.

She's on a show at 6:00 and 11:00 called

"Arresting Black People."

- Okay.
- I'm just... I'm just kidding.

Just a little bit.

I'm not kidding.

To ensure a safe Halloween,

please observe the following protocols.

Don't approach strange houses,

don't talk to strange people,

and don't candy from...
you guessed it...

persons you are unfamiliar with.

There will also be
increased police protection.

- We ask that all of Fort Grey's citizens...
- Am I crazy or does she think

- Halloween is "The Purge"?
- ...exercise caution.

Yo, when the Purge does happen,
I got you.

Bro, you had a panic attack
when a ladybug landed on you.

I couldn't remember if it was
good luck or bad luck.

And with that, I'll now turn it over

to our new mayor, Courtney Rose.

Smile, co-sign, leave.

Uh, thank you, Chief Fox, for those...

...terrifying words.

There is something messed up
when your city's police chief

is telling kids
they can't have a Halloween.

I mean, you're basically
saying, "We don't care.

You're on your own."

Nine-one-won't.

Well, Fort Grey,
you are not on your own.

Now, your new mayor
isn't someone who believes

you can just throw cops at a problem.

However, what you can throw

is a safe, positive,
community-based celebration

that brings people together.

Which is why,

for the first time
in the history of Fort Grey,

the mayor's office will be hosting

a Halloween spectacular.

I'm shutting the whole building down

and giving it over to the kids.

Oh, and that's different
from every other day how?

So, come on out
from underneath your beds

and come on down to City Hall...

...-oween.

Wow, that was seriously
just sitting right there.

Details to follow...

...ween?

- Nope?
- Nope.

Okay, once you've made the sale,
stop selling.

Thank you, guys.

How'd y'all like that?

Completely off the cuff.

Well, I had the germ of the idea,

but nothing really written down.

Well, he's a rapper. Words just flow.

Dude is like a river.

When you were mid-flow,
did you ever consider

not maligning the police department
for dereliction of duty?

I'm not gonna be the mayor
that expands the police state.

Chief Fox needs to know that.

- Mayor Rose...
- Huh?

...a word.

Just so everyone knows,

this is being recorded.

This ain't no gun.
It's just a succulent.

I picked it up 'cause I was nervous. I...

Chief Fox, here we are.

Uh, just two ol' city officials.

Just... shootin' the breeze.

Ha!

Huh? Okay.

Uh...

This is very natural.

FYI, I'm gonna keep filming.

Jermaine, we're good.

I've spent 26 years in this department,

14 of them as chief.

Do you have any sense of the strain

that Halloween puts on this department?

If it were up to me,
I'd put twice as many cops out there.

In case you weren't briefed,
it's my job to stop crime.

I may not have a badge,
but I do have eyes,

and with all due respect, Chief Fox,

you're not really stopping crime.

And more police just mean more arrests,

and I'd rather lift people up
than lock people up.

- By throwing a party.
- A bomb-ass party.

A positive, community-based celebration.

A bomb-ass celebration.

Mayor Rose, can I have a word

- with you, please, very quickly?
- Absolutely.

- We'll be right back.
- Thank you.

- It's, uh, totally unrelated.
- Don't go.

- Mm-hmm?
- Listen, you may not know this,

but you have to be really careful

when dealing with the police.

Okay, I-I... I heard that.

What I'm trying to say is that,

not that it's for me to say,

like, I've never been in your shoes...

Nope, okay, just put that
in reverse, Val.

Okay, I just...

it's important that someone like you...

you being the mayor...

Please tell me you understand
what I'm trying to say.

Please tell me
you will never do spoken word.

And I get it, okay?

Make nice with the popo.

It's just important

that you have a good working
relationship with...

- The popo?
- I'm not saying that.

Okay, fine.

- The popo.
- I will mend my relationship

with the hardworking men
and women of Fort Grey's...

- Popo Department.
- Sting was the lead singer of...

Okay, we're done.

...The Popo.

I know you probably get this a lot,

but how does your husband feel

about you carrying a gun around?

That's an interesting
and very sexist question.

Chief Fox, we may have
started off on the wrong foot.

- Your foot was the wrong foot.
- Fair enough.

But maybe an outside perspective
is what this city needs.

And let's not look
at the worst in people

but try to bring the best out of them.

- Uh-huh.
- And who knows.

That might make your Halloween
just a little bit easier.

I wish I could afford your optimism.

I'm gonna make a believer out of you.

Lower my crime rate,
then I'll believe you.

Do you think she's
the ticket kind of cop?

Because I'm parked dangerously
close to a fire hydrant.

What's this?

The party starts soon,
and all the candy's in one place?

You want kids trampling
each other over a Skittle?

- Spread it out.
- I'm on it, Ms. Dina.

You know, I'm a natural-born spreader.

No... no.

And paper skeletons?

No, no, what we need are real bones.

So, Jermaine, get yourself
down to the butcher.

He'll give you pig's blood if you
buy some extra turkey necks.

I should not be in charge
of the haunted house.

All right, everyone.
Listen up. Take notes.

My mom's in charge.
What Dina Rose says, goes.

As long as I sign off on it first.

And even if she doesn't.

Listen, people, we got to move.

We want jaws to drop and pants to wet.

Mm.

Hey.

Hey, what the...

Hello? My hand is stuck!

Somebody, hello? Help?

- Hey, girl, what's up?
- What's good?

I thought we said no pranks?

What is this? Super glue?

Elephant glue.
It adheres better to the skin.

By the way, the drawer thing?

That's not the prank.

- What's the prank?
- She is.

Lord, please don't make me regret this.

Hey, Val, what's up?

T.K. Clifton and Jermaine LeForge...

that's what's up.

They're a handful.
Harmless, though, cuties.

Are they? Pretty sure I lost a layer.

They are... how do I put this? Hmm.

- They look like men...
- But act like children. I know.

Quite honestly,

I've done enough watching
children for a lifetime.

Wait, do you have kids?

You don't strike me

as someone that goes home to... anyone.

I don't really know
if that was necessary.

Look, I grew up
with three little sisters

and my parents were divorced and flaky,

so I basically wound up
raising them myself.

I was in charge of everything.

Are you complaining or bragging?

Mm, usually, it's both, but...

Look, I just don't want to be
a parent at the office.

Then don't be. No one's making you.

You know, have fun. Be one of the kids.

Just think of T.K. and Jermaine

as the sisters you never had.

But I had sisters.

Not the ones you raised.

The ones you never had.

Okay.

- Thank you.
- You gonna be all right, girl.

You not gonna be all right, girl.

Ooh!

You're trying to get
into a group text message,

but you only have one bar.

One ba-a-a-r!

What's up, Mayor Rose?

Elijah, my man,

coming through with the big appearance

What do you think? Pretty scary, huh?

Ooh, so scary.

- Wait, look!
- What?

Your Instagram photo got zero likes!

- Ooh!
- See, that was mean.

I take great pride in my Insta game.

- ♪ Gimme that candy ♪
- Oh, this party is stupid!

Oh, no. Which part?

No, in this case, "stupid" means good.

Well, then, we're all stupid!

No? Okay, I guess that word
is not for me.

Do you want to get some candy?
I love connecting with youth.

Happy City Hall-oween!

Ma, this is great!
It's exactly how I remember,

you know, just bigger,
and I'm the mayor.

I never got to thank you for
what you did back in the day.

Oh, that's enough. Okay.

Now, if you excuse me, I got to go, uh,

give these kids some nightmares.

Put 'em all in therapy.

How you supposed to scare anyone

dressed like Phylicia Rashad?

Boy, I am not Phylicia Rashad.

Who am I?

Clair Huxtable.

I am the mighty
Congresswoman Maxine Waters.

No one's ever gonna get that.

Whoa, Maxine Waters, look out!

She's about to reclaim her time!

Haha! Reclaiming my time!

Hyah!

Stop spinning me so hard.

Hashtag... addictive.

Ooh, Val.

Sometimes I get confused.

Candy corn or corn candy?

Look, I just got off the phone
with Chief Fox.

It's been a rough night for Fort Grey.

So far, there's been six break-ins,

four assaults, multiple batteries.

She needs to reroute
the cruisers on hand tonight.

Wow.

Any chance that's better than normal?

It's worse than normal.

I'm sorry, Courtney.

I know that you wanted tonight
to be different.

It is different.

I wanted to make things better.
I made things worse.

The whole party feels silly now.

For the love of God, stop spinning me!

I am a human being!

I don't know about you guys,

but I'm starting to think
that tonight was a big mistake.

Good night, you guys.

Hey, um, Val?

We know.

I feel like you want me to engage.

Val, you and Dina
had a very, very private

heart-to-heart in the bathroom.

- She told us all about it.
- Okay.

You dealt with some heavy stuff
growing up,

and we just want you to know

that you will no longer be subjected

- to any more pranks from us.
- No. Mnh-mnh.

Thank you, guys.

Seriously, I-I don't have
this with my sisters, so...

- Get in here.
- Oh.

All right, well, good night.

Oh! Ah!

Nice try, Val.

I thought I got you.

- You want this box?
- Yeah.

Aah! Aah! Oh, [Bleep]!

Ohh!

Pranks are fun
when you're not the victim.

Good night.

May I use the ladies' room?

Good Lord.

Oh!

You weren't supposed to see this.

Ma, I just wanted to give Fort Grey

a fun Halloween like you gave me.

And you did. It was a great party.

So, what's with the pity pile?

It was a failure.

Crime was worse than ever.

I know you're upset,

but you couldn't have thought
that one Halloween party

was gonna solve Fort Grey's crime problem.

Of course, not.

Maybe.

Yes.

That's totally what I thought.

Babe, I love your optimism,

but Fort Grey is not gonna
change overnight.

I know. I just wanted it to.

I made such a big show about
not needing more cops.

- Maybe you needed them.
- Ma, I thought you were supposed to be

- helping me feel better.
- I said it was a fun party.

Yeah, okay, thanks.

- But you also needed more cops.
- Ma.

Let me take this off your hands.

Ah! You better let go of this bucket.

I love you.

- Courtney!
- What?

Put it down.

You did call this meeting, right?

And are we supposed to say something?

Because I'm happy to fill
the room with idle chatter.

I've been working on
my Morgan Freeman impression.

Courtney, Valentina, and T.K.

sat in the office,

waiting for news of some kind.

T.K. was very confused,

but also pleased to be with his friends.

- That sounds nothing like him.
- Wow. That was really good.

Okay, listen.

I called you in here

because I'm gonna tell you something

that you don't hear me say often.

"I should always listen to Val."

Ooh, "T.K., you were right...

'The Good Wife' is a great show."

No. I was wrong.

You didn't like "The Good Wife"?

I'm talking about Halloween.

I was wrong, Chief Fox was right.

There's a lot of crime in Fort Grey,

and I'm gonna give her
whatever she needs.

Well, why don't you just start
with an apology?

You know, send some flowers

or one of those fruit bouquets.

Just build a bridge.

We need more cops and maybe a curfew?

Oh, you could get a tank from Iraq.

Or, like, a bazooka or something.

You're right.

I forgot who they use bazookas on.

"Hands up, don't bazook."

Oh, my...

Hey, uh, Courtney,

there are some parents out here

that want to talk to you
about the party last night.

Oh, what now?

I tried to hold them off with a tour,

but I don't know anything
about this building, so...

What?

It's cool. It's all right.

Was Morgan Freeman here?

Haha!

Crazy, I know. I was just kidding.

Why do I always
have to walk in the back?

Oh, Lord. Is that an angry mob?

Just to be clear on the facts,

that kid slapped me first.

Okay, guys, guys.

I-I already know that

throwing parties don't solve anything.

We're just here to say thank you.

- Wait, hey.
- Oh, oh, no!

What's he grabbing for? Is it happening?

- It's going down. It's going down.
- Mm-mm.

It's supposed to be you.

The artist is young.

Yeah, well, Michael Jackson
was young, too.

- Jermaine.
- W-Wait, so...

so no one here is mad at me?

Not even him?

I feel a little, you know, stink eye.

No, this is the first time any mayor

did something special for our kids.

Wow. Like, thank you for sharing that.

Your input means everything to me.

Really?

The politicians in Fort Grey

never want parents' input.

Instead of throwing cops at the problem,

you would think they would
want to talk to the people

who actually live there,
like us parents.

Wow. No one does that?

I mean, it seems pretty obvious.

That's, like, a no-brainer.

Who ever said government
runs on brains, right?

Good morning, everyone.

Halloween is over.

But do you know what's not over?

It...

Mm.

This sour ball I've been suckin' on

for the last four hours.

I mean, really,
what are these things made of?

We should actually start
building roads with this.

It's got a lot of density.

- Ahem.
- Right.

Um, what's not over

is the crime problem in our city.

And I thought I could fix it
with an awesome party,

but then I realized that
things can't be fixed quick.

I mean, Rome wasn't built in a day.

Now it has houses and roads
and... a Pizza Hut?

I don't know. I've never been to Rome.

They might have a Pizza Hut.
They might have a Popeye's.

Well, that would be great.

And then I realized,

maybe we should throw more cops
at the problem.

But that's not
the right solution, either.

The right solution
is listening to the people...

the people who actually live

and... and...
and work in our communities.

So, I would like to announce

that I am forming
a mayor's advisory council

to ensure that we hear those voices.

It will consist of parents,

police officers,

and community members.

We can do better because we have to.

Thank you.

Oh, just, uh, let them know this
really quickly.

Ooh, oh, yeah.

So, uh, whoever parked their car outside

illegally in front of the fire hydrant,

you might want to get that,

'cause the...
the Fort Grey Police don't play.

That's true.

Thank you.

I thought it would be nice

if we donated all of our surplus candy

to the troops serving overseas!

That is straight-up heroic.

- That's not why I do it, though.
- Then why do you do it?

- T.K.
- Huh?

Two lemon drops?

Bro, I know you love candy,
but this is for the troops.

Yeah, man, but won't the chocolate
melt in Afghanistan?

Mnh-mnh. Give me the candy.

You know what? Just...

Under a plant?

Shh-shh.

Wow.

Bro.

- Come on. Really?
- Seriously?

- T.K...
- It's the last key!

Another key?

- All right, nah.
- Oh, come on!

- This is ridiculous.
- Y'all want the candy or not?

Who got a flashlight for me?

How long the troops gonna be there?

- Come on, bro.
- Are you serious?

- You ain't getting near a thing.
- I'm getting it now.

Just forget it.