The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017–…): Season 4, Episode 8 - Episode #4.8 - full transcript
You're walking
way too fast.
What room did she say?
Twelve. Room 12.
I think she said ten.
- I heard eight.
- She said 12.
I'll go back and check.
Should I go back and check?
Yes. Go back and check.
Are you being sarcastic?
The cab driver
was an idiot.
We're so sorry, Shirley.
Oy, my God.
It's bad, isn't it, Abe?
Papa? You want to
go get people coffee?
- Who wants coffee?
- Mm-mm.
- Everyone wants coffee.
- Guess I'll get coffee.
- Oh.
- What are they saying?
- They say he's going to die.
- They didn't say that.
Well, they said
he's probably going to die.
Ma, they're still doing tests.
A lot of tests but no word yet.
"No word" means he's
definitely going to die.
You don't know that, Shirley.
- You know something
that I don't?
- No.
That gypsy fortune teller
speak to somebody upstairs
and tell you the future?
- Ma.
- Because I was sitting
right here when the doctor said
he absolutely,
positively is going to die.
Miriam!
I didn't bring my wallet.
That's okay.
No one wants coffee.
Then why did you send me
to get coffee?
Just stay with Shirley
and don't speak.
But-but where are you going?
We'll be right back.
Could you bring me a coffee?
Mm-hmm. Are you okay?
I killed him.
I killed my father.
- Joel, no.
- Yes.
Yes, I'm like that guy, uh...
- Who was it?
- Who was who?
The guy in the Bible
that killed his father.
I don't know. Uh, Abraham?
No. He was the one
who almost killed his son.
- Absalom?
- No. It didn't start
with an "A."
Uh, Oedipus?
- That's not the Bible.
- But he killed his father.
And married his mother.
Well, other than that,
I'm that guy.
Joel...
What happened?
He, uh, he came to the club.
He had the costumes with him.
- Uh, a pineapple, a carrot.
Very cute.
- I know.
Oh, there was an option
of them both being grapes.
If you wanted to keep Esther
from running off,
- you'd tie 'em together
like a bunch of...
- Uh-huh.
- Circle back around, honey.
- Right.
Uh, so I thought,
he's here, he's happy.
Good time to tell him about Mei.
- What did you say?
- I was nervous,
so I-I just blurted shit out,
and I think I kind of
mushed "Chinese"
and "pregnant" together.
I should've let one sink in,
then hit him with the other.
I don't think it was you.
Really. I think it was me.
- What?
- I did it. I killed Moishe.
- You did not kill Moishe.
- Our last conversation,
I told him I couldn't
pay him his money,
and he literally told me
he was having a heart attack.
- When was this?
- Two weeks ago.
Pretty slow heart attack.
But maybe I laid the track for
him to have the heart attack.
Got him started, and then you
came in and finished him off.
- This is very comforting.
- You didn't kill your father.
- Well, neither did you.
- Room 12.
Moishe Maisel.
The wife's a hysterical.
I-I should get back in there
to listen to them
tell us nothing.
Because otherwise,
it's a long time
before they come back
to tell us nothing.
Twelve. I think it's room 12.
Joel, Midge, how is he?
We don't know.
He's unconscious.
Unconscious?
Jesus. I'm so sorry.
- Thanks, pal.
- No, I mean...
- I killed your father, Joel.
- What?
I lost the money.
If that money hadn't have gotten
ripped out of my hands...
- Archie.
- That's when
all the trouble started.
I had nothing to do with this,
so I'll just be the person
- who pats people's arms.
- Calm down, Arch.
Really.
It's nice you're here.
Should I go tell your mother
it was my fault?
- I'll do it later.
- This way to room 12?
Finally. I left you a message
over an hour ago.
- Where have you been?
- Yankee Stadium.
- Why?
- Because the message
you left Li Wei said,
"Go to Yankee Stadium."
I've got to get a better
fucking dictionary.
How is he?
- I don't know.
- He'll be okay.
Wait, what was that?
What just happened?
Yeah, I'm getting
a lot of action today.
Doctor! Get the doctor.
- Why? What happened?
- Abe!
Get back here.
Nothing's changed.
I distinctly heard
a death rattle.
You just dropped your keys.
Come on, Papa.
I'll hold your keys.
Okay, Abe, Zelda and I
are heading to the house
to get Shirley's things.
Try to get some rest, Shirley.
Mm.
♪ You don't need
a halo or wings...
Thank you for letting me
spend the night here, Abe.
That house without Moishe...
You can stay here
as long as you want.
♪ With eyes that
lull me to dreams...
Just wanted to make sure it
was working in case they call.
You're welcome to sit
and watch with me.
- I could make us a drink.
- Ah, drink would be good.
- You know, Moishe and I have
the most beautiful burial plots.
- Uh-huh.
There's a tree right overhead,
and Moishe sprung
for a little bench
- so people could sit.
- Sit? Sure, sure.
He also sprung for
the maintenance package,
which means the cemetery people
have to cut the grass
and empty the vases once a week.
Do you and Rose
have your plots yet?
Have you ever seen
The Twilight Zone?
It's a terrific program.
No. Is it on now?
No. No, it's not, damn it.
You know, you and Rose
should really hurry up
and get those plots.
You don't want to leave
any of the planning to the kids.
Knowing Miriam,
she'll probably want
to get you a funny casket.
Like one that's shaped like
a shamrock or a schvantz.
Can you imagine?
Well, I can now.
Moishe wants an obituary
in The New York Times,
just like Albert Einstein.
He had the nicest obituary.
I wonder who wrote it.
We never...
we never got to Turkey.
Turkey? Why Turkey?
We had a plumber
that was from Turkey.
- What are you gonna do
if Rose goes first?
- What?
Oh, no.
I-I'm definitely going first.
I think God is a cruel god.
Don't you?
Well, I actually think God is
more of a brilliant
marketing ploy.
It's cruel that people know
they're going to die.
It's like someone telling you
the end of a movie
before you've seen it.
I mean, how much fun is it
sitting through Casablanca
if you already know
Ingrid Bergman isn't ending up
with Humphrey Bogart?
No tap dancing, no dwarves.
One song, and Bogart walks off
with the guy
who hangs out with Nazis.
It is a very overrated movie.
You know, when my grandfather
was kidnapped...
Hold on.
Your grandfather was kidnapped?
- Yes.
- By who?
Well, first we thought
it was anarchists,
but then we found out
it was the Ubramawitz boys
- from around the corner.
- Why?
Oh, who knows
why boys do anything?
Anyhow, before we got him back,
when my grandmother thought
he was gone for good,
she said, "He's lucky.
He died with all his teeth."
That's the best
you can hope for in life,
that you die
with all your teeth.
Abe.
I just want you to know,
if Rose goes first,
I will be there to help.
Thank you, Shirley.
Susie Myerson and Associates.
Uh-huh.
Could you talk a little faster?
We only have one line,
so while I'm talking to you,
three other calls could be
trying to come in.
Fucking
working on it, Dinah!
Wait.
- Are the kids here?
- Yes.
You have to warn me
when the kids are here
- so I don't say "fuck."
- The kids are here.
- Shit!
- I'll have her call you back.
Do I need to know
who that was?
Nope.
Susie Myerson and Associates.
- Pick a card.
- I am not picking a card.
Fine.
I'll just look
through your wallet instead.
Ah. She's got other boyfriends.
You know that's not magic.
That's five to ten
where I come from.
Not if you ask them
to pick a card first.
...care of
Dinah Rutledge.
We brought some
sfogliatelle today.
- I don't smell coffee.
- Bye.
Dinah, this I take personally.
- Dinah...
- Make the coffee
yourself, Nicky.
Susie Myerson and Associates.
- Where are the coffee filters?
- Yes, we handle him.
They're talking about me.
You know I'm doing
something here.
I will have to check
the calendar
and talk to Miss Myerson
about that.
Look, I'll call you back.
You know, you should
get a second line in here.
Fuck you, Frank!
Wait, the kids are still here?
- Yep.
- Goddamn it.
Susie Myerson and Associates.
- Dinah!
- Can you hold, please?
What do you got, Maggie?
Someone calling about
that weird magic guy.
- Does he do birthday parties?
- Hold on.
Hold on.
Does Alfie do birthday parties?
Only if it's Billy Wilder's.
I love when they talk about me
like I'm not here.
No, I really do.
You know the minute they get
another chair in here,
our relationship is over, right?
They asked, what if they
threw in car fare and lunch?
- No birthday parties...
- I don't know what you're looking at.
- I did not bring these for you.
- - I'm sorry, that's not gonna work.
That's a big no there, Maggie.
Geez, wouldn't have thought a
magician could pick and choose.
No.
You got Maggie
working for you now, huh?
Well, I tell people
if they can't get through here
to call over there.
You know Maggie?
I know her boss, Gil.
He paints houses for us.
Huh. I thought he was a plumber.
Susie Myerson and Associates?
Dinah, it's Midge. I need to
talk to Susie for a moment.
Hi, Midge. We don't have
any bookings for you.
I'll tell her you called. Bye.
Dinah, wait...
Cissy, what's that
in your mouth?
I'm no snitch!
Couldn't be prouder.
- Dinah!
- Yeah, Maggie?
Florenz Ziegfeld's on the phone!
It's very important!
Okay. Send him over.
Susie, Florenz Ziegfeld's
on the phone.
- Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm sure.
- The light's not lit up.
- It's on the other line.
- I thought we didn't have
another line.
- The clothesline.
- What?
- Just come get it. I have to
pick up the other phone.
What do you mean you have to
pick up the other phone?
Aren't you on the other phone?
Susie Myerson and Associates.
Wait, isn't
Florenz Ziegfeld dead?
Yep. He died in '32.
Let me check.
What was that date again?
Great system
we got here.
This is Susie Myerson.
Too fucking busy for me?
- Miriam?
- Yes.
Oh, so Ziegfeld is dead.
Course he is. I saw the body.
Listen, Joel's father
had a heart attack.
I have to get back
to the hospital.
Do you think
you could send someone
- down to the club
to sub for me?
- Uh, hold on.
James, you want to fill in
for Midge down at the Wolford?
You know, easy money,
half-naked chicks?
You promised not
to book me toilet gigs.
Tell him I heard that.
Never mind.
I'll think of something.
Okay. Sorry about your
not at all father-in-law.
- Uh-huh.
- Just gonna keep saying it
till it sinks the fuck in.
Kids are still here,
aren't they?
- Yep.
- Mother...
- Susie.
- Yep.
Village Voice.
- What do we think?
- I cover nightlife, man.
If the dude's not holding
a sax or a joint,
- I have no opinion.
- Find one.
My opinion is, if Nixon wins,
we move to France.
I have a rent-controlled
apartment,
so I'm gonna stick it out. You?
I think he's handsome
in that one,
very handsome in that one.
However, that one,
he's just plain adorable.
- Okay. What about Nixon?
- I was talking about Nixon.
Move away from me.
I've got a thing for Quakers.
Farther away. Hoboken, please.
Fine. I want you to write
an obituary for Moishe Maisel,
owner of Maisel and Roth.
He's an American success story.
Self-made garment manufacturer.
I told you about the 13 Jews.
Why not? You wrote one
for Albert Einstein.
Well, Moishe Maisel
put a new kind of elastic
in his ultra men's
breathable briefs.
So, yes, Einstein transformed
theoretical physics
and astronomy,
superseding a 200-year-old
theory of mechanics
created primarily
by Isaac Newton,
but Moishe Maisel
let your testicles breathe.
You're a New Yorker.
You know what summer's like.
Excuse me. Why are you here?
Oh, I'm Abe's personal
part-time secretary.
I do his typing. You?
I work here.
- Doing what?
- Many things.
- Right now,
I'm very busy filing.
- I see the stack.
- I used to type for Abe,
but now he has you.
- He does.
- Part-time.
- For now.
Full-time.
Fine. I'm canceling
my subscription.
I'll read the grease-stained
copy at the library.
"What's he known for?"
he kept saying.
"What's he known for?"
As if a-a man's life is measured
by how many people
have heard of him?
Mickey Mouse,
a known anti-Semite,
can get an obituary
in The New York Times,
but Moishe Maisel cannot?
Okay, time-out. I will call
Simon Mellman at The Times.
- Isobel, get Simon for me.
- Okay.
Simon is a very good
friend of mine,
and he owes me several favors,
$300 and a fiancée.
Got him.
Please hold for Gabe Walensky.
- Simon, Gabe. How are you?
- Tell him about the Jews.
- Yeah, listen,
I'm calling in a chip here.
- Thirteen of them.
I need your team to do
an obituary for a friend.
- The Jews, the Jews, the Jews!
- Hold on. What?
- Tell him about the Jews.
- The history of, or...
Yeah, no, Simon, I'm here.
- The man in question is...
- Moishe Maisel.
Moishe Maisel. And he was...
- In the garment business.
- In the garment business.
There was no Roth.
Moishe made him up.
- That's right.
- He never went to Turkey!
- What are you talking about?
- He had a Turkish plumber.
Kev, hold him.
Yes, I'm here.
I know, but this is a favor.
Simon, let me remind you
that you stole Diana from me
at my own birthday party.
Yes, you did,
you traitorous asshole!
And I think the very least
you could do for me now
is have one of
your obit guys type up
a goddamn obit for this man.
And give me my $300 back!
Well, fuck you!
Listen up, everybody.
Simon Mellman is
persona non grata from now on.
Never met him,
never heard of him.
He is Nikolai Khokhlov,
and we are Russia.
- What?
- And these are the covers.
And if you have a problem
with that, suck it!
All right, then.
- Sorry, Abe. I can't help you.
- Well, fine.
I guess there's nothing to do
but write it myself.
- Dody?
- Yes, Abe?
Fresh piece of paper, please.
Where is this
being published, Abe?
Here, in The Village Voice.
The Voice doesn't do obits.
Great. Then it's a brief,
informative article
about a man who recently died.
Dody, let's get to work.
♪ As he plays his ukulele
on the hill above the bay...
Cramming for midterms?
These doctors,
they come in and babble
a bunch of bullshit,
and then they leave
- before you can ask
any questions.
- Bagel.
And every time,
a different one shows up,
and they can't answer
the question you have
from the last guy
'cause that's not their field.
- Bite.
- And they use terms
that you can't understand,
and they talk fast
and leave fast,
so I figured I'd borrow
a bunch of Mei's books,
- take notes
and look it up later.
- Coffee.
But I don't know
the words they're using,
so I tried writing
them down phonetically,
but since the actual word is not
spelled the way I wrote it down,
I can't find it, and basically,
all I've found out so far
is that my father's heart attack
has something to do
with his heart.
Thank you.
So no change at all, huh?
- And the longer he's out...
- Nope. Eat your bagel.
Hey. You see this?
- East.
- Red. Dragon.
Yeah. They've been at it
for a couple of hours.
Mei's trying
to distract Ma a little.
She got nuts and tried to make
soup in the hospital kitchen.
They called the cops, so...
- I need money.
- What?
- Your mother wiped me out.
- You're kidding.
Do I look like I'm kidding?
You didn't need to let her win.
I didn't. That woman's a shark.
I am a great mah-jongg player.
I come from generations
of great mah-jongg players.
My family runs a mah-jongg
parlor, for God's sake.
And she is wiping
the floor with me.
Hi.
Bagel?
- Here.
- That's it?
- Oh, no. I need more.
- I don't have more.
Joel, she has a $20 buy-in.
Hold on. I'll see if
I have more in my jacket.
Dr. McGuire,
please report to the ER.
Dr. McGuire, to the ER.
Bagel?
Thanks.
It's nice, you keeping Shirley
busy like this.
Did Joel tell you
they called the cops?
He did.
He also told me...
Please don't be mad, but Joel...
I know about... the situation.
Oh.
I thought maybe
we could have a talk.
Oh, it's a little late
for that, don't you think?
Different talk.
We should figure out
how it's gonna work.
How what's gonna work?
You know, with you and me
and Joel and the kids.
I mean, you'll be, you know...
They'll be, you know...
- Clearly, I don't know.
- Mei, come on.
Obviously, they live with me,
but they'll be with you a lot,
and now they'll have a sibling,
and I just think we need
- to discuss some ground rules.
- Like?
Like I don't want them
calling you Mom.
- Me, either.
- But they'll need
to call you something.
- Why?
- Why?
Well, what if they lock
themselves in your bathroom
and they need
to call out for help?
- Why are they in my bathroom?
- Because it's bath time.
They're bathing in my bathroom?
- Mei, come on.
- They're your kids.
You bathe 'em.
- But they're staying with you.
- Why?
- Because it's your weekend.
- To do what?
To take them because
you are married to their father.
Aren't you?
Phone call
for Midge Maisel.
Phone call for Midge Maisel.
- Please come
to the nurses' station.
- Excuse me.
- Hello?
- You have to come back.
- I told you
my father-in-law is...
- Yes, I know.
So sad. But see,
you made me change everything.
- Boise.
- I can see myself
in the toilet bowls.
They're so clean. It's gorgeous.
- Well, that's great.
- I bought the fruit
and the umbrellas
and the tampon sticks.
- The good ones?
- Yes, the good ones, Midge.
The best ones.
You demanded these changes,
and I did them,
and then all these women
came to see you.
And now you are not here,
and they are very angry.
- I'm sorry.
- I invented a drink.
- Oh, yeah?
- It is pink and fizzy
and you set it on fire.
It's stunning.
I've named it
"I Once Was a Man."
I see we've developed
a flair for the dramatic.
Please come back.
Boise, I gave Bunny,
Mitzi and Gloria
some really good jokes to do.
How did that go?
We got a new sign
to go on the door here.
On one side, it says,
"We're open.
Please come inside."
And on the other side, it says,
"Sorry we're closed."
I don't get it.
I don't think
that's what it says.
What it fucking says.
I'm looking at it right here.
- "Sorry we're..."
- "Clothed."
It says,
"Sorry we're clothed."
Like we have our clothes on.
Okay.
And on the other side,
it says, "Sorry we're clothed."
I still don't get it.
So, thanks for that
bit of casting.
Look, Boise,
I promise I will get there
as soon as I possibly can.
Now, I have to go.
Oh, my God. You came back.
You did come back, right?
- One set, Boise.
- That's fine.
One set, then I go back
to the hospital.
Yes, great. Thank you. Hey.
What do you think?
Too many peonies, right?
They're overwhelming
the bluebells?
Take a break, Boise.
Go punch something.
Goddamn Boise.
Mitzi, never mind. She's back.
Oh, good.
Ask her which part is the setup
and which part is
the joke again.
Just so you know, everything
went fine without you.
Glad to hear it.
What are you supposed to be?
You.
Like looking in a mirror, huh?
Thank you.
Wow.
Such a great crowd.
It's very nice
to be here, really.
You have no idea.
So I have a little
family drama going on.
My ex-father-in-law
just had a heart attack.
He's unconscious,
and they have no idea
- if he's gonna make it or not.
- Woo-hoo!
Thank you.
We have a fan of uncertain death
in the back there.
That's nice.
Good for you, sir.
Enjoy your chess game
with the reaper.
So, anyhow,
for the last couple of days,
I have been reduced
to playing the coffee lounge
at Beth Israel Hospital.
I'm going back there
as soon as I'm done here,
and I'll spend the night
watching all the men in my life
completely fall apart.
While eating Jell-O.
It's really startling, actually.
Because we're always told,
"You're daddy's little girl."
"Daddy will protect you."
"Wait till your father
gets home."
And then your father
walks into a hospital,
and he turns into
a ten-year-old girl
who just had a frog
put down her dress.
Now, my father...
Intellectual, emotions kept
in a little bottle in storage...
He hates hospitals.
He hates the smell of hospitals,
the look of hospitals.
When I had
my daughter, I had to hold her
out the window as he walked
to work in the morning
just so he could see her.
And then there's my husband.
Ex-husband, actually,
but we're still... something.
Now, in all fairness,
I have seen him emotional.
When the Brooklyn Dodgers
moved to...
California...
he was
inconsolable.
He sat in the dark,
eating chocolate,
writing love letters
to Sandy Koufax.
He'd try to put on
a brave face,
and we'd walk past a hot dog
cart, and he'd fall to pieces,
cradling the mustard container
in his arms,
repeating the 1955 World Series
lineup over and over again.
And then, of course,
there is my father-in-law.
Tough, proud.
And now my mother-in-law
is trimming his beard, so if...
...when he wakes up,
he's ready to go to work.
It's hard seeing
the men in your life scared.
And with the men
out of commission,
the women are left
to keep things going.
Now, this is not
totally unusual, right?
I mean, women could be
bleeding from the head,
and they'd host a dinner party
if the invitations
were already sent out.
But we never think
about it like that.
We just assume we're
supporting the real leaders.
You look around this hospital,
you see the doctors.
All men, swaggering in and out
of the rooms really fast.
"I'm important.
I have a pen in my pocket.
I look at a chart.
Hmm, good chart.
I sign the chart.
I am God,
and God can't hang around.
God has to be in
the gallbladder wing in five."
But spend a few days
in the hospital,
and you start
to notice the nurses.
The nurses never rush
out of your room.
They just clean out
the bedpans, draw the blood,
insert the suppositories.
They don't get to sign a chart.
They don't even get a pen.
But they hold you while you cry.
So, what does this mean?
Are women
more important than God?
Hmm.
What if we discover one day
that we were always
the ones in charge?
Just, no one told us.
I don't know.
I don't know what I'm saying.
I just...
don't want this man to die.
Now, let's see
some tits and ass!
Midge, you got
a stage-door Johnny waiting.
What? Where?
Well, this is a surprise.
I was in the neighborhood,
thought I'd stop in.
I heard about the coffee here.
Well, nice to see you.
- Wait, just...
- Hey, Lenny.
- Hello.
- Hiya, Lenny.
Nice tie, Leonard.
I know them from Hebrew school.
I really do have to get going.
I saw your show.
It's great stuff.
You made three
construction workers cry.
Thank you.
- You're still mad at me.
- No, I'm not.
I was a complete ass.
I'm very sorry.
I have forgotten all about it.
- You still sound mad.
- Lenny, please.
Midge, you have to forgive me.
There's a performance
of Haydn's "Trumpet Concerto"
with original period instruments
that my buddies
are dying to go to,
but I forced them to come here
just so I could grovel.
They may never speak
to me again.
I saw that concert.
They're not missing much.
Please.
So, Carnegie Hall.
Yes.
Someday soon.
I'd find out exactly which day,
if I were you.
Good advice.
Lenny, bar.
It's very exciting.
These are very classy people,
these Carnegie people.
They put me up
in a swanky hotel room.
They even offered to paint
the room my favorite color.
- What's your favorite color?
- I said blue.
- Is it blue?
- Who knows?
Well, you.
Okay, you're ignoring
the lede here.
The people from Carnegie Hall
painted a hotel room...
A room I'm going to be in for a
total of four days, tops... blue.
For me. Me.
The greatest threat
to American decency
since Mantovani records.
I am suddenly important enough
for redecorating.
Please be impressed.
- I am impressed.
- Good.
Which brings me to
my next reason for being here.
- Hmm?
- I got a call from
Tony Bennett's people.
He's doing five sold-out nights
at the Copa,
and they wanted me
to open for him,
which is a dream gig because,
in addition to him being one
of the nicest men in the world,
his craft service table
is not to be believed.
Now, obviously, I can't do it
since I'm playing Carnegie Hall.
I hear they painted
your hotel room blue.
So I talked you up.
Told them you do
swell heart attack humor,
and they are very, very...
What's that?
Hey. What's going on?
Uh-oh.
What "uh-oh"?
What's "uh-oh"?
I believe...
- Get up!
- You ain't going nowhere.
Come on, you're coming with me.
- Yep. You're being raided.
- I am?
- We got to move.
- Cops!
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Everyone, out!
Dallas, Sunshine, Bubbles, go!
I got the books!
- Both sets?
- Yep!
Wait, wait.
Oh!
Let's get out of here.
Bunny, Mitzi,
you got to move!
You know, I'm getting
a little tired of everyone
telling me what to do,
where to go, what a joke is.
Oh, crap!
I lost an earring.
We're being raided!
What am I gonna do
with one earring?!
Two ears! I got two ears!
Stay down! Come on, come on.
- Forget the feathers!
- Just grab the pearls!
- Midge!
- I can't find my things.
Buy more things. Let's go.
- Come with us.
- Nope.
I'm fiddling on
the Titanic tonight. Go.
Hurry, hurry. Damn.
Go, go, go, go, go! Hurry!
My shoes, my feet.
It's cold.
You'd be terrible to go
on the I am with, by the way.
- Can't you carry me?
- Carry you?
Yeah, you know,
throw me over your shoulder.
Who am I, Santa Claus?
You're a young, strong woman.
Here.
What do I do with this?
Fill me in on what's going on
with Castro and the rebels.
- Put it on your head.
- Where are you going?
I have to get you to shelter.
Aren't you gonna pay
for the papers?
- It's a snowstorm.
- So what?
- The man has to make a living.
- How do you know?
The news stand could be a hobby.
If I had my purse, I'd pay.
- If I had your purse, I'd pay.
- Wh-What if there's a hell?
- Oh, I don't believe this.
- What if the rabbis are wrong
and there is a hell and this is
the moment our fate is decided?
Believe me, honey, if there's
a hell, I'm the headliner.
Where are we going?
How you doing? You okay?
Ten minutes in the elements.
Do you need me to call
a hairdresser or a priest?
I'm fine.
- This place is nice.
- Carnegie Hall.
Ooh, they're having
a hat sale at B. Altman's.
If only I still had
my employee discount,
I'd get a discount
on a discount.
Give me that.
Good evening, Mr. Bruce.
Rough weather out there.
It is indeed.
You hear that? "Mr. Bruce."
You play Carnegie Hall,
you get "Mr. Bruce."
Good evening, Mr. Bruce.
- Whew.
- After you.
- Ah.
- Well, what do you think?
Very nice, Mr. Bruce.
Carnegie Hall.
So, drink? Food?
Something absorbent?
Towel, please.
Oh, I'm so sorry, girls.
Wasn't supposed
to end like this.
Are you talking to your shoes?
No. Shh.
That's okay.
I'm gonna have a very serious
talk later with my dickie.
- Dickie? Like...
- Yes.
- Not...
- No.
- Nice.
- It was the funniest garment
I could come up with
in the moment.
Keeping a safe distance?
Respectful distance,
I'd like to say.
Are you afraid of me
'cause I talk to my shoes?
Some men find that
wildly attractive.
I think there are
many things about you
men would find
wildly attractive.
You know you can sit
on the entire chair.
I'm fine.
You look like
one of the Wallendas,
balancing there like that.
It...
I'm wearing... I'm good.
Your what?
What are you wearing?
My show corset.
- You have a show corset?
- Yes.
How is this different from,
say, your dentist corset?
It's much more likely
to suffocate me.
- It's also prettier.
- Yep.
It's always the pretty ones
who try to kill you.
Oh, boy.
- What? I did not plan this.
- Getting me back here?
Innocent. Get Roy Cohn
on the phone right now.
You mean you didn't
alter the atmosphere,
causing it to snow,
and then organize a raid
at the exact moment
I came offstage?
What, I'm not important enough
to go through
all that trouble for?
You are more important than God.
You paid attention.
To you?
Always.
Midge?
Yeah?
I got to see the show corset.
- Lenny.
- I'm sorry.
I'm an observer
of the human condition.
It's the way God made me.
Okay.
If we do this...
Oops.
If we take our clothes off
and we do some very blue things
in this very blue room...
Wow, do I not know
which way this is going.
I need you to look me
in the eye first and promise
that you will never, ever forget
that I am very, very funny.
First and foremost.
I'm serious, Lenny.
I will be laughing
through the entire thing.
I promise.
Yep.
Just like mine.
I lied.
I'm only gonna laugh at the end.
Nope.
I'll be right back.
Hello?
♪ Over me...
Goodbye.
So, apparently,
being Mr. Bruce means
you're the one
who has to bail out
the slow runners after a raid.
So I was thinking...
That is not for you.
Lenny, what...
You don't need
to worry about that.
But...
All is well.
I promise.
Now, get dressed.
We'll go spring the riffraff,
and then I'll take you
for some truly terrible
Chinese food, okay?
- Abe! Abe!
- Hmm?
I didn't know
you were still here.
Someone called a while ago,
said you needed to get
- to the hospital immediately.
- What? Who?
- I don't know. I...
- He's dead. Is he dead?
- Oh, my God.
- I don't know.
They just said to hurry.
I will bite
your fingers off, Isobel.
It's not Isobel, Dody.
- It's Abe.
- Abe?
- What time is it?
- It's very late.
I have to get to the hospital.
You should go home.
Thank you for your help.
You are a true Sancho Panza.
Phone call
for Dr. O'Connell.
Dr. O'Connell, you have a phone
call at the nurses' station.
I...
What kept you?
I... But you're alive.
I am. Yes.
You're not dead.
No, I'm not.
I just... The call...
I figured...
You hoping
for a different outcome?
No. I'm fine with it, obviously.
I tried to call you.
Some disgruntled employee
rushed me off the phone.
Oh. Well, that's...
terrific, really.
Just surprised.
Who's this? Do I know her?
Oh, this is Mei.
It's so wonderful.
Do you know that now hospitals
hire mah-jongg players
to distract you
from impending death?
- Really?
- What?
- She asked. I froze.
- Ah, geez.
She tipped me, though,
so I can pay you back.
That's nice.
What's that, Abe?
- What?
- In your hand.
Oh, it's nothing.
You're holding it very tightly.
It's just, uh...
It says "Moishe's obituary."
- You wrote my obituary?
- No.
You wrote something and
titled it "Moishe's Obituary"?
I...
You couldn't get the guy
who wrote Einstein's?
No. I just...
Yes. I wrote something.
Well, what were you going to do
rushing in here like that?
- I think I was
going to read it.
- To me?
- Yes.
- While I was unconscious?
Or dead. Yes.
- I'd like to hear it.
- What? No.
- I'm a little curious, too.
- Same here.
You work for the hospital.
- You don't get a vote.
- Abe.
Well, it-it was
just a first draft,
so I hadn't finished it, but...
I just talked about your father
and the pickle cart.
We all know that story.
So, uh...
You started a clothing
manufacturing business.
There was no Roth.
It was all you.
Gave you full credit.
- Thank you.
- Oh. Uh,
Moishe brought over
the 13 Jews, saved them.
Very nice paragraph about that.
Good... good placement.
And, uh...
Oh, I found a typo.
I just found another.
Who has a pen?
No one's grading you, Abe.
Yes, well... Okay.
Uh, well, after the 13 Jews,
I-I do a long run
about whether or not God exists.
- He does.
- Well, that's been the debate.
There's no debate. He does.
Okay, I know you feel
like that, but...
Abe, I'm lying
in a hospital bed.
Give me this.
God exists.
For now. And then...
and then I talk about
how you took us in
when we... had nowhere to go.
And... you did not have to,
but you did, and...
you asked us for nothing.
You made sure
our daughter was taken care of
even though she was not married
to your son anymore.
You...
were a very good man.
And I...
I miss you very much.
But you're not dead, so...
Well,
that was very nice, Abe.
I'm gonna get some ice cream.
Who wants ice cream?
- Ice cream sounds good.
- - Well, I'm going to get some coffee.
- I don't want ice cream.
- Just get some
ice cream. Trust me.
- Ice cream sounds great.
- - You think the machine will take a 20?
- I doubt it.
- I have some change.
Since when?
You told me you were broke.
- Ma.
- Why don't you let me?
This is the darndest thing.
I have absolutely no record
of this phone number.
I have no record of this phone.
I don't even recognize
this model.
- Where did you get it again?
- It was here when we got here.
It's the darndest thing.
The guy from Bon Soir says
Alfie has to do
two free shows
before they commit.
Are you kidding me?
Yeah, even I knew
that was a big fuck-you.
Excuse my French.
The phone company called.
They can come out
next Tuesday at 10:00.
The phone company is here.
- Oh. Is the electric
company there?
- No.
The electric company can
come out next Tuesday at 10:00.
And Marvin Nicholson called...
Ooh, phone. Hold on.
Jesus, Frank.
You leave any garlic
for the rest of the world?
Garlic's good for you.
Makes you strong.
You'll be able to beat up
all the other managers.
Moishe is out of the woods.
- Hey.
- Who?
My ex-father-in-law.
He is awake.
Hey, show some enthusiasm.
Why? It's your ex-father-in-law.
I don't give a shit about
your first-grade teacher,
your pediatrician
or the first guy
who felt you up,
either, by the way.
Susie! Hey, I got a weird one.
Yeah, that is not a sentence you
just yell out in public, Maggie.
Just for future reference.
Some guy says he works
for Tony Bennett, and he wants
to talk to you about booking
one of your clients.
Really? Tony Bennett?
Well, send it on over.
Tony Bennett. You hear that?
- Tony Bennett's calling me.
- Well, his guy is.
Well, his guy is,
but his guy is calling me
- because Tony Bennett
told him to, so...
- Susie.
- Hold on, Maggie.
- Okay.
I was having a great day
for a minute there.
Lenny put my name in
to open for Tony Bennett
at the Copa this week.
The Copa?
The sold-out run at the Copa?
This... this sold-out run
at the Copa?
That's the one.
Yeah, with the big
full-page ad that says,
"Hello, boys.
This show's a really big deal,
and anyone associated
with this ad
is gonna be rich and famous
and very, very happy."
Bingo.
No opening acts.
Yep. Hang up the phone, Maggie.
- Why?
- I moved.
- Where to?
- I'm dead.
- You are?
- Just hang up
the goddamn phone.
Okay.
Sorry.
No problem.
You want some coffee?
Uh, sure.
Cream?
- Susie, don't.
- Don't what?
Okay, no cream.
You know my situation.
Sugar? Yeah, you like it sweet.
Let me put some sugar
in there for you.
- This is creepy.
- - That was really Tony Bennett?
Yes, but I'm not doing op...
Let it go, Frank. It's
a brick wall in a pink tutu.
Susie, do you know if,
at any point,
this whole building
used to be somewhere else?
I'm gonna go with no.
- The building
has not been moved.
- You know, Midge,
that Bennett gig seems
like a big opportunity.
You might want to give it
a second thought.
Thanks, Frank.
Susie and I have a plan.
Is the plan to open
for Tony Bennett?
'Cause that sounds
like a good plan.
It's not, but thanks for asking.
Tony Bennett is a great singer.
You would work nice with him.
I would.
I'm not gonna, but I would.
Miriam, as friends
of yours and Susie's...
I'd say more like family
than friends at this point.
We're just looking out
for your well-being.
You should consider
changing your mind.
And then you should
change your mind.
He won't give us a line
till he tracks down
the origins of this phone.
Hey, Dinah, stir the sauce.
- Two lines, right?
- Yes, please.
Don't open the door.
Can I talk to you a minute?
Why are they suddenly
always around?
- Who?
- Martini and Rossi.
I don't know.
They're just hanging out.
Here. They are hanging out here.
Yes, here. They got this place
for me, remember?
They found the furniture for me.
They suggested the layout.
- Why?
- Why?
'Cause it's not obvious
to the eye, Miriam.
It's a lot
of fucking space to fill.
Susie, think. Why did they
do all this for you?
'Cause you're just
so fun to be around?
Fuck you. I am fun.
These guys aren't pals
with people without a catch.
What's the catch?
What do you care?
They said something
about a taste.
- A taste of what?
- Okay, you need to relax.
These guys are mobsters.
Hey, I know what they are, okay?
They kidnapped me
for a night, if you remember.
What are they getting
a taste of?
Look, they did a favor for me.
Someday, I will do a favor
for them. That's how it works.
What favor? You have nothing
to give guys who want a favor.
- I have, too.
- I am the favor.
Okay. We are done here.
Susie, please listen to me.
Boy, I have to tell you,
one thing I am
very tired of doing right now,
Miriam, is listening to you.
Moishe, careful.
- There's a step.
- There's a step here, Moishe.
Right here. Watch the step.
Shirley, I have the onions.
- Slow down, Pop.
- I am.
- I said slow down.
- I go any slower,
technically,
I will have stopped.
- Pop, please.
- Joel, I love you.
You're my son. Now, fuck off.
Zelda's a genius.
She's got everything arranged.
Your bedroom's down here.
- The dining room's in there.
- This is silly.
I'm on display here
like a prize pig.
The third doctor
from the right said no stairs.
That's the fourth doctor
from the left.
Third doctor from the right,
fourth doctor from the left
is the same doctor, by the way.
And this is from the man
that was dead a few days ago.
Let's get you in bed,
Mr. Moishe.
Just a minute.
I need to talk to Joely.
Wow. That's a sailor's grip
you got there.
Okay. I'm on the bed.
I'm sitting very still.
I'm not eating salt.
Can I talk to my son
for a moment?
- Of course.
- Listen.
I need to say something here.
On the night of... the thing,
you were telling me about...
Pop, we don't have to do this.
I want you to know I heard you.
I heard everything you said.
Now, I will admit that
the timing does seem suspicious,
but I need to make it very clear
that I did not have the thing
- because you told me
about your girlfriend.
- You didn't?
I do not care
that she is Chinese.
- Do I need to repeat this?
- No.
I am surprised
that she's pregnant,
but you have two kids
and a zipper,
so not totally unexpected.
Plus, it's one more chance
to name someone
after my Grandmother Helda.
No, it's not.
You love her.
You're going to marry her,
have a family,
another grandchild.
That's a mitzvah.
- That, we celebrate.
- Thank you, Pop.
However, she has to be Jewish by
the time you tell your mother.
- What?
- It's easy. She meets a rabbi,
reads a book, takes a bath.
- Pop.
- I'm getting very weak, Joel.
Try not to upset me.
Zelda made her beef tea, Moishe.
- Drink up.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh.
- Ah, ah, ah, ah.
- Rose.
Excuse us, Moishe.
Abe, my goodness.
What's the matter?
♪ Mama, Mama, for my sake...
Abe.
And, uh, I got
something for you.
♪ Your tummy say howdy...
Just remember, I am going first.
Whatever you want, Abe.
Too thick. Too thin.
Too long. What kind of bread
do you put that in?
- How long is she gonna take?
- - Shh!
Start again.
You just save me a piece
of that wedding cake.
We're going to war, Vincent.
My God, that smells good.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
It gives me a great deal
of pleasure to welcome you
to this performance of
Lenny Bruce at Carnegie Hall.
The one thing I'd like to say
about the label
of "sick comedian,"
which I think...
Is there
anyone out there?
I don't know, man.
Go out there and look.
No, I'm not gonna
go out there and look.
Does it matter?
Will it change anything?
It's fine.
I'll just go out there
and entertain whatever junkie
wandered in from Times Square.
Won't be the first time.
...but that
Lenny Bruce comments, reflects,
holds up the mirror,
so to speak,
to the sick elements
in our society
that should be reflected upon
and that should be spoken about.
And so at this time,
ladies and gentlemen,
Lenny Bruce.
- Shit.
- Oh.
Go get 'em, Lenny.
- You're the best, Lenny!
- All right, all right.
Cool it. Like, um...
I wasn't doing a milking bit,
but it's ridiculous, man.
Hee-hee!
You should dig
my point of view here, man.
You know, uh, working
Carnegie Hall is like, uh...
I dig it, you know.
It's like a...
But it's a... I had a lot
of fantasies with it, you know.
Uh, two great fantasies.
Uh, one, he introduces me
and I come out with a violin
and I just cook, man.
But for an hour, man.
Every Stravinsky. Heavy like...
And I don't say a word, zugnish,
and I split, you know.
You go, "What was that, man?"
"I don't know. It was a concert
and he played a violin."
"He didn't do any bits?"
"No, man, he just wailed
his ass off with a violin."
Yeah.
Excuse me.
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Excu...
Okay. Now, number two fantasy
is that, uh...
As this is the 12:00 scene...
Uh, maybe the people
who own this place
don't even know we're here.
Right? Yeah.
You get a guy who's
like a-a good corrupt janitor.
You know? "Uh, all right,
but don't make no noise
and clean up
after you're finished."
Okay. Okay, dig.
So now you've got
a dopey cliché like, uh,
"Would you want your sister
to marry one of them?"
Which, see, has...
there's no logic there, see.
Because you got to tell me
which sister, which one of them.
Because if I talk to a member
of the Ku Klux Klan and I say,
"Uh, let's see,
you're, uh, 35 years old,
you're unmarried, you're white,
you're an attractive man.
I'm gonna give you a choice...
Own free will...
Of marrying a Black woman
or a white woman.
Two chicks, about the same ages,
same economic level,
and you make the choice.
But you got to marry her.
Whatever marriage means to you.
Kissing and hugging
and sleeping in a single bed
on hot nights.
Fifteen years
with a Black, Black woman
or 15 years
with a white, white woman.
Kissing and hugging
that Black, Black woman
or the white one.
You make your choice between the
Black woman or the white woman.
The white woman...
is Kate Smith.
The Black woman
is Lena Horne.
So, then you are not concerned
with Black or white anymore,
are you?"
I don't know if there's
any losers out here.
You know, when you break up
with your old lady,
uh, get divorced,
uh, here's the problem.
I don't know
if you'll encounter it.
It's particularly
a show business problem,
but, uh... because of my hours.
I'm not a particularly
promiscuous person,
but I like to have someone,
you know, to hang out with,
to talk to.
Usually, I go out with chicks
that are between 30 and 40,
because they're usually divorced
and good and bitter, too,
you know.
But the hang-up is,
where can you go
at 4:00 in the morning?
And every chick I know
who's divorced
has got a seven-year-old kid.
If they haven't got
a seven-year-old kid,
they've got a mother who lives
with them who's divorced, too.
And those kinds of mothers
are real nuts.
You know, complete competition
with their daughters.
"Oh, you think I got nice legs?
I was a Charleston dancer."
Yeah. Yeah.
And so the hang-up is,
at 4:00 in the morning,
where you gonna...
If you say, uh, "motel,"
semantics, that's out.
Yeah.
Really. It's got, like,
a lewd connotation.
So, I figured all kinds
of devices, like, uh,
I tell a chick "a trailer."
That sounds cute, right?
Nothing dirty about trailers.
"Hey, want to go to my trailer?"
"Yeah, okay. Where is it?"
"Well, it's
in my motel room now."
"Yeah.
I'll help you assemble it."
This one chick, oh,
I kind of dug her, you know?
Uh, I known her a couple years,
seen her after work.
And, uh, we're sitting there
outside of the motel,
and, uh, she says,
"All right, look.
I don't want to go in there.
I don't want to be embarrassed
with the registering
and all that. You go in."
I say, "All right. Solid.
You stay in the car."
So, I go in.
Uh, "Hello."
"Hello. Um...
How much is it here a month?"
"Well, we just got
a daily rate.
Six dollars."
"Uh...
I'll tell you what.
Uh...
My sister's out in the car,
and, uh...
we had a terrible tragedy
in our family.
My uncle passed away.
And I don't know if you've
ever had a tragedy like that.
Uh, we were very close
to him, in fact.
And, uh, she's all shook up.
She's under sedation.
She's just hysterical.
So, I'm gonna sleep with her."
Time to split.
Grab a shovel and go home.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Ooh, sorry if that was a foot!
Ah! Ha! There she is.
Everyone, this is Midge Maisel.
Mrs., to those in the know.
Hey, hey, hey,
how's your father-in-law?
He's fine, actually.
He's gonna recover.
Oh, thank God.
We were in a panic all evening.
Uh, can you all excuse me?
I have to talk to this lady
for a moment.
Lenny, you were
insanely great tonight.
Really.
The people around me
never wanted you to stop.
Might've wanted you to slow down
if they were following you
like this.
Lenny.
Little tip:
the nicer the lady looks,
the worse her shoes are.
Wow.
This is amazing.
How did it feel?
How did it feel? Uh...
It felt great.
Been here before
to see concerts,
but out in the audience,
obviously.
I hear you turned down
the Bennett gig.
Yeah.
I did.
Said you wouldn't even
come to the phone.
Well, that was more Susie,
but yes.
Okay.
Let's put aside for a moment
that I went to bat for you
for that job.
I mean, really, I turned down
their price three times.
"No, she can't work for that.
Do you have any idea
what you're getting here?"
That's on me.
You didn't ask me to do that,
so I'm the schmuck there.
- Lenny...
- But I couldn't
really figure out why.
So I asked around.
I don't know.
Were you being
blacklisted again?
Did the Baldwin thing
hurt you that much?
I'm at Carnegie Hall.
I've got five minutes
where maybe I can help you
before I'm thrown out
of the club again.
But then I heard that
you were turning down gigs
right and left.
I made a decision
to do things my way.
I'm sorry, what does that mean?
It means I just want to say
what I want to say.
Why am I explaining this to you?
Why? Because my fucking mind
is blown, that's why.
I don't understand.
No opening act gigs.
- Yes.
- That's true?
Yes, that's true.
I told you about the manifesto.
Do you understand
that this is a business?
Like anything else...
You get hired, you get paid.
- You understand that?
- Yes, but...
And the trick is
to get good and get paid.
I get paid at the Wolford.
Oh, come on.
One thing you are not is dumb.
Wait a minute.
You never compromise.
You get up onstage knowing the
police could be there, or, hell,
that they are there, and you say
whatever the hell it is
you want anyhow.
Why is it wrong for me
to want to do
- the very same thing?
- Jesus Christ, Midge.
What a fucking pedestal
you put me on.
Getting arrested
is not a badge of honor.
Getting arrested means I can't
work where I want to work.
People are afraid of booking me.
It's exactly the opposite
of what I want for myself.
- But...
- Do you know how much
I hate knowing that half
the people that come to see me
are hoping I'm gonna get popped?
Hoping they'll have some great
story to tell their friends
over cheese and crackers?
I want people to fucking laugh.
Think and laugh, sure,
but laugh.
I'm a comic.
An entertainer.
Baggy pants, banana peels.
I'm not the stand-up messiah.
This is what I want.
This is what I have worked for.
Don't you want this?
Don't you want to be here?
Don't you want to know
a thousand mental patients
braved a fucking snowstorm
to see you?
- That should be the goal.
- How do you know it's not?
Because you're not
gonna get here
hiding yourself away in a club
that technically doesn't exist.
- I'm not hiding.
- You sure as fuck are hiding.
So what you got dumped
by Baldwin?
Who gives a shit?
Go get another gig.
And another and another.
So I'm just supposed
to get fired
from one job after another?
Yes. If that's what it takes.
Listen to me.
I have made a lot of mistakes
and I am gonna keep making
a lot of mistakes,
but one thing
is crystal clear in my mind
and it's what the endgame is.
Oh, really? So that's
what the bag in your...
No. Do not make this about me.
This is about you.
You wanted me to remember
you're funny, right?
That night?
You didn't want me
to think of you as just a girl.
You wanted me
to think of you as a comic.
Well, don't you forget
that I'm a comic, too.
Don't you dare look at me
as someone to be pitied
or helped or fixed.
I do not want or need that,
especially from you.
- I don't want to fix you.
- Ninety percent of this game
is how they see you.
They see you hanging
with Tony Bennett,
they think
you deserve to be there.
They see you hauled off to jail
for saying "fuck"
at a strip club,
they think
you deserve that also.
Wise up.
I'm not hiding.
I have a plan.
Don't plan!
Work.
Just work and keep working.
There is a moment
in this business,
window's open.
If you miss it, it closes.
Just don't...
If you blow this, Midge,
I swear...
...you will break
my fucking heart.
Kennedy/Johnson!
We did it!
♪ Oops, there goes the opp...
♪
way too fast.
What room did she say?
Twelve. Room 12.
I think she said ten.
- I heard eight.
- She said 12.
I'll go back and check.
Should I go back and check?
Yes. Go back and check.
Are you being sarcastic?
The cab driver
was an idiot.
We're so sorry, Shirley.
Oy, my God.
It's bad, isn't it, Abe?
Papa? You want to
go get people coffee?
- Who wants coffee?
- Mm-mm.
- Everyone wants coffee.
- Guess I'll get coffee.
- Oh.
- What are they saying?
- They say he's going to die.
- They didn't say that.
Well, they said
he's probably going to die.
Ma, they're still doing tests.
A lot of tests but no word yet.
"No word" means he's
definitely going to die.
You don't know that, Shirley.
- You know something
that I don't?
- No.
That gypsy fortune teller
speak to somebody upstairs
and tell you the future?
- Ma.
- Because I was sitting
right here when the doctor said
he absolutely,
positively is going to die.
Miriam!
I didn't bring my wallet.
That's okay.
No one wants coffee.
Then why did you send me
to get coffee?
Just stay with Shirley
and don't speak.
But-but where are you going?
We'll be right back.
Could you bring me a coffee?
Mm-hmm. Are you okay?
I killed him.
I killed my father.
- Joel, no.
- Yes.
Yes, I'm like that guy, uh...
- Who was it?
- Who was who?
The guy in the Bible
that killed his father.
I don't know. Uh, Abraham?
No. He was the one
who almost killed his son.
- Absalom?
- No. It didn't start
with an "A."
Uh, Oedipus?
- That's not the Bible.
- But he killed his father.
And married his mother.
Well, other than that,
I'm that guy.
Joel...
What happened?
He, uh, he came to the club.
He had the costumes with him.
- Uh, a pineapple, a carrot.
Very cute.
- I know.
Oh, there was an option
of them both being grapes.
If you wanted to keep Esther
from running off,
- you'd tie 'em together
like a bunch of...
- Uh-huh.
- Circle back around, honey.
- Right.
Uh, so I thought,
he's here, he's happy.
Good time to tell him about Mei.
- What did you say?
- I was nervous,
so I-I just blurted shit out,
and I think I kind of
mushed "Chinese"
and "pregnant" together.
I should've let one sink in,
then hit him with the other.
I don't think it was you.
Really. I think it was me.
- What?
- I did it. I killed Moishe.
- You did not kill Moishe.
- Our last conversation,
I told him I couldn't
pay him his money,
and he literally told me
he was having a heart attack.
- When was this?
- Two weeks ago.
Pretty slow heart attack.
But maybe I laid the track for
him to have the heart attack.
Got him started, and then you
came in and finished him off.
- This is very comforting.
- You didn't kill your father.
- Well, neither did you.
- Room 12.
Moishe Maisel.
The wife's a hysterical.
I-I should get back in there
to listen to them
tell us nothing.
Because otherwise,
it's a long time
before they come back
to tell us nothing.
Twelve. I think it's room 12.
Joel, Midge, how is he?
We don't know.
He's unconscious.
Unconscious?
Jesus. I'm so sorry.
- Thanks, pal.
- No, I mean...
- I killed your father, Joel.
- What?
I lost the money.
If that money hadn't have gotten
ripped out of my hands...
- Archie.
- That's when
all the trouble started.
I had nothing to do with this,
so I'll just be the person
- who pats people's arms.
- Calm down, Arch.
Really.
It's nice you're here.
Should I go tell your mother
it was my fault?
- I'll do it later.
- This way to room 12?
Finally. I left you a message
over an hour ago.
- Where have you been?
- Yankee Stadium.
- Why?
- Because the message
you left Li Wei said,
"Go to Yankee Stadium."
I've got to get a better
fucking dictionary.
How is he?
- I don't know.
- He'll be okay.
Wait, what was that?
What just happened?
Yeah, I'm getting
a lot of action today.
Doctor! Get the doctor.
- Why? What happened?
- Abe!
Get back here.
Nothing's changed.
I distinctly heard
a death rattle.
You just dropped your keys.
Come on, Papa.
I'll hold your keys.
Okay, Abe, Zelda and I
are heading to the house
to get Shirley's things.
Try to get some rest, Shirley.
Mm.
♪ You don't need
a halo or wings...
Thank you for letting me
spend the night here, Abe.
That house without Moishe...
You can stay here
as long as you want.
♪ With eyes that
lull me to dreams...
Just wanted to make sure it
was working in case they call.
You're welcome to sit
and watch with me.
- I could make us a drink.
- Ah, drink would be good.
- You know, Moishe and I have
the most beautiful burial plots.
- Uh-huh.
There's a tree right overhead,
and Moishe sprung
for a little bench
- so people could sit.
- Sit? Sure, sure.
He also sprung for
the maintenance package,
which means the cemetery people
have to cut the grass
and empty the vases once a week.
Do you and Rose
have your plots yet?
Have you ever seen
The Twilight Zone?
It's a terrific program.
No. Is it on now?
No. No, it's not, damn it.
You know, you and Rose
should really hurry up
and get those plots.
You don't want to leave
any of the planning to the kids.
Knowing Miriam,
she'll probably want
to get you a funny casket.
Like one that's shaped like
a shamrock or a schvantz.
Can you imagine?
Well, I can now.
Moishe wants an obituary
in The New York Times,
just like Albert Einstein.
He had the nicest obituary.
I wonder who wrote it.
We never...
we never got to Turkey.
Turkey? Why Turkey?
We had a plumber
that was from Turkey.
- What are you gonna do
if Rose goes first?
- What?
Oh, no.
I-I'm definitely going first.
I think God is a cruel god.
Don't you?
Well, I actually think God is
more of a brilliant
marketing ploy.
It's cruel that people know
they're going to die.
It's like someone telling you
the end of a movie
before you've seen it.
I mean, how much fun is it
sitting through Casablanca
if you already know
Ingrid Bergman isn't ending up
with Humphrey Bogart?
No tap dancing, no dwarves.
One song, and Bogart walks off
with the guy
who hangs out with Nazis.
It is a very overrated movie.
You know, when my grandfather
was kidnapped...
Hold on.
Your grandfather was kidnapped?
- Yes.
- By who?
Well, first we thought
it was anarchists,
but then we found out
it was the Ubramawitz boys
- from around the corner.
- Why?
Oh, who knows
why boys do anything?
Anyhow, before we got him back,
when my grandmother thought
he was gone for good,
she said, "He's lucky.
He died with all his teeth."
That's the best
you can hope for in life,
that you die
with all your teeth.
Abe.
I just want you to know,
if Rose goes first,
I will be there to help.
Thank you, Shirley.
Susie Myerson and Associates.
Uh-huh.
Could you talk a little faster?
We only have one line,
so while I'm talking to you,
three other calls could be
trying to come in.
Fucking
working on it, Dinah!
Wait.
- Are the kids here?
- Yes.
You have to warn me
when the kids are here
- so I don't say "fuck."
- The kids are here.
- Shit!
- I'll have her call you back.
Do I need to know
who that was?
Nope.
Susie Myerson and Associates.
- Pick a card.
- I am not picking a card.
Fine.
I'll just look
through your wallet instead.
Ah. She's got other boyfriends.
You know that's not magic.
That's five to ten
where I come from.
Not if you ask them
to pick a card first.
...care of
Dinah Rutledge.
We brought some
sfogliatelle today.
- I don't smell coffee.
- Bye.
Dinah, this I take personally.
- Dinah...
- Make the coffee
yourself, Nicky.
Susie Myerson and Associates.
- Where are the coffee filters?
- Yes, we handle him.
They're talking about me.
You know I'm doing
something here.
I will have to check
the calendar
and talk to Miss Myerson
about that.
Look, I'll call you back.
You know, you should
get a second line in here.
Fuck you, Frank!
Wait, the kids are still here?
- Yep.
- Goddamn it.
Susie Myerson and Associates.
- Dinah!
- Can you hold, please?
What do you got, Maggie?
Someone calling about
that weird magic guy.
- Does he do birthday parties?
- Hold on.
Hold on.
Does Alfie do birthday parties?
Only if it's Billy Wilder's.
I love when they talk about me
like I'm not here.
No, I really do.
You know the minute they get
another chair in here,
our relationship is over, right?
They asked, what if they
threw in car fare and lunch?
- No birthday parties...
- I don't know what you're looking at.
- I did not bring these for you.
- - I'm sorry, that's not gonna work.
That's a big no there, Maggie.
Geez, wouldn't have thought a
magician could pick and choose.
No.
You got Maggie
working for you now, huh?
Well, I tell people
if they can't get through here
to call over there.
You know Maggie?
I know her boss, Gil.
He paints houses for us.
Huh. I thought he was a plumber.
Susie Myerson and Associates?
Dinah, it's Midge. I need to
talk to Susie for a moment.
Hi, Midge. We don't have
any bookings for you.
I'll tell her you called. Bye.
Dinah, wait...
Cissy, what's that
in your mouth?
I'm no snitch!
Couldn't be prouder.
- Dinah!
- Yeah, Maggie?
Florenz Ziegfeld's on the phone!
It's very important!
Okay. Send him over.
Susie, Florenz Ziegfeld's
on the phone.
- Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm sure.
- The light's not lit up.
- It's on the other line.
- I thought we didn't have
another line.
- The clothesline.
- What?
- Just come get it. I have to
pick up the other phone.
What do you mean you have to
pick up the other phone?
Aren't you on the other phone?
Susie Myerson and Associates.
Wait, isn't
Florenz Ziegfeld dead?
Yep. He died in '32.
Let me check.
What was that date again?
Great system
we got here.
This is Susie Myerson.
Too fucking busy for me?
- Miriam?
- Yes.
Oh, so Ziegfeld is dead.
Course he is. I saw the body.
Listen, Joel's father
had a heart attack.
I have to get back
to the hospital.
Do you think
you could send someone
- down to the club
to sub for me?
- Uh, hold on.
James, you want to fill in
for Midge down at the Wolford?
You know, easy money,
half-naked chicks?
You promised not
to book me toilet gigs.
Tell him I heard that.
Never mind.
I'll think of something.
Okay. Sorry about your
not at all father-in-law.
- Uh-huh.
- Just gonna keep saying it
till it sinks the fuck in.
Kids are still here,
aren't they?
- Yep.
- Mother...
- Susie.
- Yep.
Village Voice.
- What do we think?
- I cover nightlife, man.
If the dude's not holding
a sax or a joint,
- I have no opinion.
- Find one.
My opinion is, if Nixon wins,
we move to France.
I have a rent-controlled
apartment,
so I'm gonna stick it out. You?
I think he's handsome
in that one,
very handsome in that one.
However, that one,
he's just plain adorable.
- Okay. What about Nixon?
- I was talking about Nixon.
Move away from me.
I've got a thing for Quakers.
Farther away. Hoboken, please.
Fine. I want you to write
an obituary for Moishe Maisel,
owner of Maisel and Roth.
He's an American success story.
Self-made garment manufacturer.
I told you about the 13 Jews.
Why not? You wrote one
for Albert Einstein.
Well, Moishe Maisel
put a new kind of elastic
in his ultra men's
breathable briefs.
So, yes, Einstein transformed
theoretical physics
and astronomy,
superseding a 200-year-old
theory of mechanics
created primarily
by Isaac Newton,
but Moishe Maisel
let your testicles breathe.
You're a New Yorker.
You know what summer's like.
Excuse me. Why are you here?
Oh, I'm Abe's personal
part-time secretary.
I do his typing. You?
I work here.
- Doing what?
- Many things.
- Right now,
I'm very busy filing.
- I see the stack.
- I used to type for Abe,
but now he has you.
- He does.
- Part-time.
- For now.
Full-time.
Fine. I'm canceling
my subscription.
I'll read the grease-stained
copy at the library.
"What's he known for?"
he kept saying.
"What's he known for?"
As if a-a man's life is measured
by how many people
have heard of him?
Mickey Mouse,
a known anti-Semite,
can get an obituary
in The New York Times,
but Moishe Maisel cannot?
Okay, time-out. I will call
Simon Mellman at The Times.
- Isobel, get Simon for me.
- Okay.
Simon is a very good
friend of mine,
and he owes me several favors,
$300 and a fiancée.
Got him.
Please hold for Gabe Walensky.
- Simon, Gabe. How are you?
- Tell him about the Jews.
- Yeah, listen,
I'm calling in a chip here.
- Thirteen of them.
I need your team to do
an obituary for a friend.
- The Jews, the Jews, the Jews!
- Hold on. What?
- Tell him about the Jews.
- The history of, or...
Yeah, no, Simon, I'm here.
- The man in question is...
- Moishe Maisel.
Moishe Maisel. And he was...
- In the garment business.
- In the garment business.
There was no Roth.
Moishe made him up.
- That's right.
- He never went to Turkey!
- What are you talking about?
- He had a Turkish plumber.
Kev, hold him.
Yes, I'm here.
I know, but this is a favor.
Simon, let me remind you
that you stole Diana from me
at my own birthday party.
Yes, you did,
you traitorous asshole!
And I think the very least
you could do for me now
is have one of
your obit guys type up
a goddamn obit for this man.
And give me my $300 back!
Well, fuck you!
Listen up, everybody.
Simon Mellman is
persona non grata from now on.
Never met him,
never heard of him.
He is Nikolai Khokhlov,
and we are Russia.
- What?
- And these are the covers.
And if you have a problem
with that, suck it!
All right, then.
- Sorry, Abe. I can't help you.
- Well, fine.
I guess there's nothing to do
but write it myself.
- Dody?
- Yes, Abe?
Fresh piece of paper, please.
Where is this
being published, Abe?
Here, in The Village Voice.
The Voice doesn't do obits.
Great. Then it's a brief,
informative article
about a man who recently died.
Dody, let's get to work.
♪ As he plays his ukulele
on the hill above the bay...
Cramming for midterms?
These doctors,
they come in and babble
a bunch of bullshit,
and then they leave
- before you can ask
any questions.
- Bagel.
And every time,
a different one shows up,
and they can't answer
the question you have
from the last guy
'cause that's not their field.
- Bite.
- And they use terms
that you can't understand,
and they talk fast
and leave fast,
so I figured I'd borrow
a bunch of Mei's books,
- take notes
and look it up later.
- Coffee.
But I don't know
the words they're using,
so I tried writing
them down phonetically,
but since the actual word is not
spelled the way I wrote it down,
I can't find it, and basically,
all I've found out so far
is that my father's heart attack
has something to do
with his heart.
Thank you.
So no change at all, huh?
- And the longer he's out...
- Nope. Eat your bagel.
Hey. You see this?
- East.
- Red. Dragon.
Yeah. They've been at it
for a couple of hours.
Mei's trying
to distract Ma a little.
She got nuts and tried to make
soup in the hospital kitchen.
They called the cops, so...
- I need money.
- What?
- Your mother wiped me out.
- You're kidding.
Do I look like I'm kidding?
You didn't need to let her win.
I didn't. That woman's a shark.
I am a great mah-jongg player.
I come from generations
of great mah-jongg players.
My family runs a mah-jongg
parlor, for God's sake.
And she is wiping
the floor with me.
Hi.
Bagel?
- Here.
- That's it?
- Oh, no. I need more.
- I don't have more.
Joel, she has a $20 buy-in.
Hold on. I'll see if
I have more in my jacket.
Dr. McGuire,
please report to the ER.
Dr. McGuire, to the ER.
Bagel?
Thanks.
It's nice, you keeping Shirley
busy like this.
Did Joel tell you
they called the cops?
He did.
He also told me...
Please don't be mad, but Joel...
I know about... the situation.
Oh.
I thought maybe
we could have a talk.
Oh, it's a little late
for that, don't you think?
Different talk.
We should figure out
how it's gonna work.
How what's gonna work?
You know, with you and me
and Joel and the kids.
I mean, you'll be, you know...
They'll be, you know...
- Clearly, I don't know.
- Mei, come on.
Obviously, they live with me,
but they'll be with you a lot,
and now they'll have a sibling,
and I just think we need
- to discuss some ground rules.
- Like?
Like I don't want them
calling you Mom.
- Me, either.
- But they'll need
to call you something.
- Why?
- Why?
Well, what if they lock
themselves in your bathroom
and they need
to call out for help?
- Why are they in my bathroom?
- Because it's bath time.
They're bathing in my bathroom?
- Mei, come on.
- They're your kids.
You bathe 'em.
- But they're staying with you.
- Why?
- Because it's your weekend.
- To do what?
To take them because
you are married to their father.
Aren't you?
Phone call
for Midge Maisel.
Phone call for Midge Maisel.
- Please come
to the nurses' station.
- Excuse me.
- Hello?
- You have to come back.
- I told you
my father-in-law is...
- Yes, I know.
So sad. But see,
you made me change everything.
- Boise.
- I can see myself
in the toilet bowls.
They're so clean. It's gorgeous.
- Well, that's great.
- I bought the fruit
and the umbrellas
and the tampon sticks.
- The good ones?
- Yes, the good ones, Midge.
The best ones.
You demanded these changes,
and I did them,
and then all these women
came to see you.
And now you are not here,
and they are very angry.
- I'm sorry.
- I invented a drink.
- Oh, yeah?
- It is pink and fizzy
and you set it on fire.
It's stunning.
I've named it
"I Once Was a Man."
I see we've developed
a flair for the dramatic.
Please come back.
Boise, I gave Bunny,
Mitzi and Gloria
some really good jokes to do.
How did that go?
We got a new sign
to go on the door here.
On one side, it says,
"We're open.
Please come inside."
And on the other side, it says,
"Sorry we're closed."
I don't get it.
I don't think
that's what it says.
What it fucking says.
I'm looking at it right here.
- "Sorry we're..."
- "Clothed."
It says,
"Sorry we're clothed."
Like we have our clothes on.
Okay.
And on the other side,
it says, "Sorry we're clothed."
I still don't get it.
So, thanks for that
bit of casting.
Look, Boise,
I promise I will get there
as soon as I possibly can.
Now, I have to go.
Oh, my God. You came back.
You did come back, right?
- One set, Boise.
- That's fine.
One set, then I go back
to the hospital.
Yes, great. Thank you. Hey.
What do you think?
Too many peonies, right?
They're overwhelming
the bluebells?
Take a break, Boise.
Go punch something.
Goddamn Boise.
Mitzi, never mind. She's back.
Oh, good.
Ask her which part is the setup
and which part is
the joke again.
Just so you know, everything
went fine without you.
Glad to hear it.
What are you supposed to be?
You.
Like looking in a mirror, huh?
Thank you.
Wow.
Such a great crowd.
It's very nice
to be here, really.
You have no idea.
So I have a little
family drama going on.
My ex-father-in-law
just had a heart attack.
He's unconscious,
and they have no idea
- if he's gonna make it or not.
- Woo-hoo!
Thank you.
We have a fan of uncertain death
in the back there.
That's nice.
Good for you, sir.
Enjoy your chess game
with the reaper.
So, anyhow,
for the last couple of days,
I have been reduced
to playing the coffee lounge
at Beth Israel Hospital.
I'm going back there
as soon as I'm done here,
and I'll spend the night
watching all the men in my life
completely fall apart.
While eating Jell-O.
It's really startling, actually.
Because we're always told,
"You're daddy's little girl."
"Daddy will protect you."
"Wait till your father
gets home."
And then your father
walks into a hospital,
and he turns into
a ten-year-old girl
who just had a frog
put down her dress.
Now, my father...
Intellectual, emotions kept
in a little bottle in storage...
He hates hospitals.
He hates the smell of hospitals,
the look of hospitals.
When I had
my daughter, I had to hold her
out the window as he walked
to work in the morning
just so he could see her.
And then there's my husband.
Ex-husband, actually,
but we're still... something.
Now, in all fairness,
I have seen him emotional.
When the Brooklyn Dodgers
moved to...
California...
he was
inconsolable.
He sat in the dark,
eating chocolate,
writing love letters
to Sandy Koufax.
He'd try to put on
a brave face,
and we'd walk past a hot dog
cart, and he'd fall to pieces,
cradling the mustard container
in his arms,
repeating the 1955 World Series
lineup over and over again.
And then, of course,
there is my father-in-law.
Tough, proud.
And now my mother-in-law
is trimming his beard, so if...
...when he wakes up,
he's ready to go to work.
It's hard seeing
the men in your life scared.
And with the men
out of commission,
the women are left
to keep things going.
Now, this is not
totally unusual, right?
I mean, women could be
bleeding from the head,
and they'd host a dinner party
if the invitations
were already sent out.
But we never think
about it like that.
We just assume we're
supporting the real leaders.
You look around this hospital,
you see the doctors.
All men, swaggering in and out
of the rooms really fast.
"I'm important.
I have a pen in my pocket.
I look at a chart.
Hmm, good chart.
I sign the chart.
I am God,
and God can't hang around.
God has to be in
the gallbladder wing in five."
But spend a few days
in the hospital,
and you start
to notice the nurses.
The nurses never rush
out of your room.
They just clean out
the bedpans, draw the blood,
insert the suppositories.
They don't get to sign a chart.
They don't even get a pen.
But they hold you while you cry.
So, what does this mean?
Are women
more important than God?
Hmm.
What if we discover one day
that we were always
the ones in charge?
Just, no one told us.
I don't know.
I don't know what I'm saying.
I just...
don't want this man to die.
Now, let's see
some tits and ass!
Midge, you got
a stage-door Johnny waiting.
What? Where?
Well, this is a surprise.
I was in the neighborhood,
thought I'd stop in.
I heard about the coffee here.
Well, nice to see you.
- Wait, just...
- Hey, Lenny.
- Hello.
- Hiya, Lenny.
Nice tie, Leonard.
I know them from Hebrew school.
I really do have to get going.
I saw your show.
It's great stuff.
You made three
construction workers cry.
Thank you.
- You're still mad at me.
- No, I'm not.
I was a complete ass.
I'm very sorry.
I have forgotten all about it.
- You still sound mad.
- Lenny, please.
Midge, you have to forgive me.
There's a performance
of Haydn's "Trumpet Concerto"
with original period instruments
that my buddies
are dying to go to,
but I forced them to come here
just so I could grovel.
They may never speak
to me again.
I saw that concert.
They're not missing much.
Please.
So, Carnegie Hall.
Yes.
Someday soon.
I'd find out exactly which day,
if I were you.
Good advice.
Lenny, bar.
It's very exciting.
These are very classy people,
these Carnegie people.
They put me up
in a swanky hotel room.
They even offered to paint
the room my favorite color.
- What's your favorite color?
- I said blue.
- Is it blue?
- Who knows?
Well, you.
Okay, you're ignoring
the lede here.
The people from Carnegie Hall
painted a hotel room...
A room I'm going to be in for a
total of four days, tops... blue.
For me. Me.
The greatest threat
to American decency
since Mantovani records.
I am suddenly important enough
for redecorating.
Please be impressed.
- I am impressed.
- Good.
Which brings me to
my next reason for being here.
- Hmm?
- I got a call from
Tony Bennett's people.
He's doing five sold-out nights
at the Copa,
and they wanted me
to open for him,
which is a dream gig because,
in addition to him being one
of the nicest men in the world,
his craft service table
is not to be believed.
Now, obviously, I can't do it
since I'm playing Carnegie Hall.
I hear they painted
your hotel room blue.
So I talked you up.
Told them you do
swell heart attack humor,
and they are very, very...
What's that?
Hey. What's going on?
Uh-oh.
What "uh-oh"?
What's "uh-oh"?
I believe...
- Get up!
- You ain't going nowhere.
Come on, you're coming with me.
- Yep. You're being raided.
- I am?
- We got to move.
- Cops!
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Everyone, out!
Dallas, Sunshine, Bubbles, go!
I got the books!
- Both sets?
- Yep!
Wait, wait.
Oh!
Let's get out of here.
Bunny, Mitzi,
you got to move!
You know, I'm getting
a little tired of everyone
telling me what to do,
where to go, what a joke is.
Oh, crap!
I lost an earring.
We're being raided!
What am I gonna do
with one earring?!
Two ears! I got two ears!
Stay down! Come on, come on.
- Forget the feathers!
- Just grab the pearls!
- Midge!
- I can't find my things.
Buy more things. Let's go.
- Come with us.
- Nope.
I'm fiddling on
the Titanic tonight. Go.
Hurry, hurry. Damn.
Go, go, go, go, go! Hurry!
My shoes, my feet.
It's cold.
You'd be terrible to go
on the I am with, by the way.
- Can't you carry me?
- Carry you?
Yeah, you know,
throw me over your shoulder.
Who am I, Santa Claus?
You're a young, strong woman.
Here.
What do I do with this?
Fill me in on what's going on
with Castro and the rebels.
- Put it on your head.
- Where are you going?
I have to get you to shelter.
Aren't you gonna pay
for the papers?
- It's a snowstorm.
- So what?
- The man has to make a living.
- How do you know?
The news stand could be a hobby.
If I had my purse, I'd pay.
- If I had your purse, I'd pay.
- Wh-What if there's a hell?
- Oh, I don't believe this.
- What if the rabbis are wrong
and there is a hell and this is
the moment our fate is decided?
Believe me, honey, if there's
a hell, I'm the headliner.
Where are we going?
How you doing? You okay?
Ten minutes in the elements.
Do you need me to call
a hairdresser or a priest?
I'm fine.
- This place is nice.
- Carnegie Hall.
Ooh, they're having
a hat sale at B. Altman's.
If only I still had
my employee discount,
I'd get a discount
on a discount.
Give me that.
Good evening, Mr. Bruce.
Rough weather out there.
It is indeed.
You hear that? "Mr. Bruce."
You play Carnegie Hall,
you get "Mr. Bruce."
Good evening, Mr. Bruce.
- Whew.
- After you.
- Ah.
- Well, what do you think?
Very nice, Mr. Bruce.
Carnegie Hall.
So, drink? Food?
Something absorbent?
Towel, please.
Oh, I'm so sorry, girls.
Wasn't supposed
to end like this.
Are you talking to your shoes?
No. Shh.
That's okay.
I'm gonna have a very serious
talk later with my dickie.
- Dickie? Like...
- Yes.
- Not...
- No.
- Nice.
- It was the funniest garment
I could come up with
in the moment.
Keeping a safe distance?
Respectful distance,
I'd like to say.
Are you afraid of me
'cause I talk to my shoes?
Some men find that
wildly attractive.
I think there are
many things about you
men would find
wildly attractive.
You know you can sit
on the entire chair.
I'm fine.
You look like
one of the Wallendas,
balancing there like that.
It...
I'm wearing... I'm good.
Your what?
What are you wearing?
My show corset.
- You have a show corset?
- Yes.
How is this different from,
say, your dentist corset?
It's much more likely
to suffocate me.
- It's also prettier.
- Yep.
It's always the pretty ones
who try to kill you.
Oh, boy.
- What? I did not plan this.
- Getting me back here?
Innocent. Get Roy Cohn
on the phone right now.
You mean you didn't
alter the atmosphere,
causing it to snow,
and then organize a raid
at the exact moment
I came offstage?
What, I'm not important enough
to go through
all that trouble for?
You are more important than God.
You paid attention.
To you?
Always.
Midge?
Yeah?
I got to see the show corset.
- Lenny.
- I'm sorry.
I'm an observer
of the human condition.
It's the way God made me.
Okay.
If we do this...
Oops.
If we take our clothes off
and we do some very blue things
in this very blue room...
Wow, do I not know
which way this is going.
I need you to look me
in the eye first and promise
that you will never, ever forget
that I am very, very funny.
First and foremost.
I'm serious, Lenny.
I will be laughing
through the entire thing.
I promise.
Yep.
Just like mine.
I lied.
I'm only gonna laugh at the end.
Nope.
I'll be right back.
Hello?
♪ Over me...
Goodbye.
So, apparently,
being Mr. Bruce means
you're the one
who has to bail out
the slow runners after a raid.
So I was thinking...
That is not for you.
Lenny, what...
You don't need
to worry about that.
But...
All is well.
I promise.
Now, get dressed.
We'll go spring the riffraff,
and then I'll take you
for some truly terrible
Chinese food, okay?
- Abe! Abe!
- Hmm?
I didn't know
you were still here.
Someone called a while ago,
said you needed to get
- to the hospital immediately.
- What? Who?
- I don't know. I...
- He's dead. Is he dead?
- Oh, my God.
- I don't know.
They just said to hurry.
I will bite
your fingers off, Isobel.
It's not Isobel, Dody.
- It's Abe.
- Abe?
- What time is it?
- It's very late.
I have to get to the hospital.
You should go home.
Thank you for your help.
You are a true Sancho Panza.
Phone call
for Dr. O'Connell.
Dr. O'Connell, you have a phone
call at the nurses' station.
I...
What kept you?
I... But you're alive.
I am. Yes.
You're not dead.
No, I'm not.
I just... The call...
I figured...
You hoping
for a different outcome?
No. I'm fine with it, obviously.
I tried to call you.
Some disgruntled employee
rushed me off the phone.
Oh. Well, that's...
terrific, really.
Just surprised.
Who's this? Do I know her?
Oh, this is Mei.
It's so wonderful.
Do you know that now hospitals
hire mah-jongg players
to distract you
from impending death?
- Really?
- What?
- She asked. I froze.
- Ah, geez.
She tipped me, though,
so I can pay you back.
That's nice.
What's that, Abe?
- What?
- In your hand.
Oh, it's nothing.
You're holding it very tightly.
It's just, uh...
It says "Moishe's obituary."
- You wrote my obituary?
- No.
You wrote something and
titled it "Moishe's Obituary"?
I...
You couldn't get the guy
who wrote Einstein's?
No. I just...
Yes. I wrote something.
Well, what were you going to do
rushing in here like that?
- I think I was
going to read it.
- To me?
- Yes.
- While I was unconscious?
Or dead. Yes.
- I'd like to hear it.
- What? No.
- I'm a little curious, too.
- Same here.
You work for the hospital.
- You don't get a vote.
- Abe.
Well, it-it was
just a first draft,
so I hadn't finished it, but...
I just talked about your father
and the pickle cart.
We all know that story.
So, uh...
You started a clothing
manufacturing business.
There was no Roth.
It was all you.
Gave you full credit.
- Thank you.
- Oh. Uh,
Moishe brought over
the 13 Jews, saved them.
Very nice paragraph about that.
Good... good placement.
And, uh...
Oh, I found a typo.
I just found another.
Who has a pen?
No one's grading you, Abe.
Yes, well... Okay.
Uh, well, after the 13 Jews,
I-I do a long run
about whether or not God exists.
- He does.
- Well, that's been the debate.
There's no debate. He does.
Okay, I know you feel
like that, but...
Abe, I'm lying
in a hospital bed.
Give me this.
God exists.
For now. And then...
and then I talk about
how you took us in
when we... had nowhere to go.
And... you did not have to,
but you did, and...
you asked us for nothing.
You made sure
our daughter was taken care of
even though she was not married
to your son anymore.
You...
were a very good man.
And I...
I miss you very much.
But you're not dead, so...
Well,
that was very nice, Abe.
I'm gonna get some ice cream.
Who wants ice cream?
- Ice cream sounds good.
- - Well, I'm going to get some coffee.
- I don't want ice cream.
- Just get some
ice cream. Trust me.
- Ice cream sounds great.
- - You think the machine will take a 20?
- I doubt it.
- I have some change.
Since when?
You told me you were broke.
- Ma.
- Why don't you let me?
This is the darndest thing.
I have absolutely no record
of this phone number.
I have no record of this phone.
I don't even recognize
this model.
- Where did you get it again?
- It was here when we got here.
It's the darndest thing.
The guy from Bon Soir says
Alfie has to do
two free shows
before they commit.
Are you kidding me?
Yeah, even I knew
that was a big fuck-you.
Excuse my French.
The phone company called.
They can come out
next Tuesday at 10:00.
The phone company is here.
- Oh. Is the electric
company there?
- No.
The electric company can
come out next Tuesday at 10:00.
And Marvin Nicholson called...
Ooh, phone. Hold on.
Jesus, Frank.
You leave any garlic
for the rest of the world?
Garlic's good for you.
Makes you strong.
You'll be able to beat up
all the other managers.
Moishe is out of the woods.
- Hey.
- Who?
My ex-father-in-law.
He is awake.
Hey, show some enthusiasm.
Why? It's your ex-father-in-law.
I don't give a shit about
your first-grade teacher,
your pediatrician
or the first guy
who felt you up,
either, by the way.
Susie! Hey, I got a weird one.
Yeah, that is not a sentence you
just yell out in public, Maggie.
Just for future reference.
Some guy says he works
for Tony Bennett, and he wants
to talk to you about booking
one of your clients.
Really? Tony Bennett?
Well, send it on over.
Tony Bennett. You hear that?
- Tony Bennett's calling me.
- Well, his guy is.
Well, his guy is,
but his guy is calling me
- because Tony Bennett
told him to, so...
- Susie.
- Hold on, Maggie.
- Okay.
I was having a great day
for a minute there.
Lenny put my name in
to open for Tony Bennett
at the Copa this week.
The Copa?
The sold-out run at the Copa?
This... this sold-out run
at the Copa?
That's the one.
Yeah, with the big
full-page ad that says,
"Hello, boys.
This show's a really big deal,
and anyone associated
with this ad
is gonna be rich and famous
and very, very happy."
Bingo.
No opening acts.
Yep. Hang up the phone, Maggie.
- Why?
- I moved.
- Where to?
- I'm dead.
- You are?
- Just hang up
the goddamn phone.
Okay.
Sorry.
No problem.
You want some coffee?
Uh, sure.
Cream?
- Susie, don't.
- Don't what?
Okay, no cream.
You know my situation.
Sugar? Yeah, you like it sweet.
Let me put some sugar
in there for you.
- This is creepy.
- - That was really Tony Bennett?
Yes, but I'm not doing op...
Let it go, Frank. It's
a brick wall in a pink tutu.
Susie, do you know if,
at any point,
this whole building
used to be somewhere else?
I'm gonna go with no.
- The building
has not been moved.
- You know, Midge,
that Bennett gig seems
like a big opportunity.
You might want to give it
a second thought.
Thanks, Frank.
Susie and I have a plan.
Is the plan to open
for Tony Bennett?
'Cause that sounds
like a good plan.
It's not, but thanks for asking.
Tony Bennett is a great singer.
You would work nice with him.
I would.
I'm not gonna, but I would.
Miriam, as friends
of yours and Susie's...
I'd say more like family
than friends at this point.
We're just looking out
for your well-being.
You should consider
changing your mind.
And then you should
change your mind.
He won't give us a line
till he tracks down
the origins of this phone.
Hey, Dinah, stir the sauce.
- Two lines, right?
- Yes, please.
Don't open the door.
Can I talk to you a minute?
Why are they suddenly
always around?
- Who?
- Martini and Rossi.
I don't know.
They're just hanging out.
Here. They are hanging out here.
Yes, here. They got this place
for me, remember?
They found the furniture for me.
They suggested the layout.
- Why?
- Why?
'Cause it's not obvious
to the eye, Miriam.
It's a lot
of fucking space to fill.
Susie, think. Why did they
do all this for you?
'Cause you're just
so fun to be around?
Fuck you. I am fun.
These guys aren't pals
with people without a catch.
What's the catch?
What do you care?
They said something
about a taste.
- A taste of what?
- Okay, you need to relax.
These guys are mobsters.
Hey, I know what they are, okay?
They kidnapped me
for a night, if you remember.
What are they getting
a taste of?
Look, they did a favor for me.
Someday, I will do a favor
for them. That's how it works.
What favor? You have nothing
to give guys who want a favor.
- I have, too.
- I am the favor.
Okay. We are done here.
Susie, please listen to me.
Boy, I have to tell you,
one thing I am
very tired of doing right now,
Miriam, is listening to you.
Moishe, careful.
- There's a step.
- There's a step here, Moishe.
Right here. Watch the step.
Shirley, I have the onions.
- Slow down, Pop.
- I am.
- I said slow down.
- I go any slower,
technically,
I will have stopped.
- Pop, please.
- Joel, I love you.
You're my son. Now, fuck off.
Zelda's a genius.
She's got everything arranged.
Your bedroom's down here.
- The dining room's in there.
- This is silly.
I'm on display here
like a prize pig.
The third doctor
from the right said no stairs.
That's the fourth doctor
from the left.
Third doctor from the right,
fourth doctor from the left
is the same doctor, by the way.
And this is from the man
that was dead a few days ago.
Let's get you in bed,
Mr. Moishe.
Just a minute.
I need to talk to Joely.
Wow. That's a sailor's grip
you got there.
Okay. I'm on the bed.
I'm sitting very still.
I'm not eating salt.
Can I talk to my son
for a moment?
- Of course.
- Listen.
I need to say something here.
On the night of... the thing,
you were telling me about...
Pop, we don't have to do this.
I want you to know I heard you.
I heard everything you said.
Now, I will admit that
the timing does seem suspicious,
but I need to make it very clear
that I did not have the thing
- because you told me
about your girlfriend.
- You didn't?
I do not care
that she is Chinese.
- Do I need to repeat this?
- No.
I am surprised
that she's pregnant,
but you have two kids
and a zipper,
so not totally unexpected.
Plus, it's one more chance
to name someone
after my Grandmother Helda.
No, it's not.
You love her.
You're going to marry her,
have a family,
another grandchild.
That's a mitzvah.
- That, we celebrate.
- Thank you, Pop.
However, she has to be Jewish by
the time you tell your mother.
- What?
- It's easy. She meets a rabbi,
reads a book, takes a bath.
- Pop.
- I'm getting very weak, Joel.
Try not to upset me.
Zelda made her beef tea, Moishe.
- Drink up.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh.
- Ah, ah, ah, ah.
- Rose.
Excuse us, Moishe.
Abe, my goodness.
What's the matter?
♪ Mama, Mama, for my sake...
Abe.
And, uh, I got
something for you.
♪ Your tummy say howdy...
Just remember, I am going first.
Whatever you want, Abe.
Too thick. Too thin.
Too long. What kind of bread
do you put that in?
- How long is she gonna take?
- - Shh!
Start again.
You just save me a piece
of that wedding cake.
We're going to war, Vincent.
My God, that smells good.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
It gives me a great deal
of pleasure to welcome you
to this performance of
Lenny Bruce at Carnegie Hall.
The one thing I'd like to say
about the label
of "sick comedian,"
which I think...
Is there
anyone out there?
I don't know, man.
Go out there and look.
No, I'm not gonna
go out there and look.
Does it matter?
Will it change anything?
It's fine.
I'll just go out there
and entertain whatever junkie
wandered in from Times Square.
Won't be the first time.
...but that
Lenny Bruce comments, reflects,
holds up the mirror,
so to speak,
to the sick elements
in our society
that should be reflected upon
and that should be spoken about.
And so at this time,
ladies and gentlemen,
Lenny Bruce.
- Shit.
- Oh.
Go get 'em, Lenny.
- You're the best, Lenny!
- All right, all right.
Cool it. Like, um...
I wasn't doing a milking bit,
but it's ridiculous, man.
Hee-hee!
You should dig
my point of view here, man.
You know, uh, working
Carnegie Hall is like, uh...
I dig it, you know.
It's like a...
But it's a... I had a lot
of fantasies with it, you know.
Uh, two great fantasies.
Uh, one, he introduces me
and I come out with a violin
and I just cook, man.
But for an hour, man.
Every Stravinsky. Heavy like...
And I don't say a word, zugnish,
and I split, you know.
You go, "What was that, man?"
"I don't know. It was a concert
and he played a violin."
"He didn't do any bits?"
"No, man, he just wailed
his ass off with a violin."
Yeah.
Excuse me.
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Excu...
Okay. Now, number two fantasy
is that, uh...
As this is the 12:00 scene...
Uh, maybe the people
who own this place
don't even know we're here.
Right? Yeah.
You get a guy who's
like a-a good corrupt janitor.
You know? "Uh, all right,
but don't make no noise
and clean up
after you're finished."
Okay. Okay, dig.
So now you've got
a dopey cliché like, uh,
"Would you want your sister
to marry one of them?"
Which, see, has...
there's no logic there, see.
Because you got to tell me
which sister, which one of them.
Because if I talk to a member
of the Ku Klux Klan and I say,
"Uh, let's see,
you're, uh, 35 years old,
you're unmarried, you're white,
you're an attractive man.
I'm gonna give you a choice...
Own free will...
Of marrying a Black woman
or a white woman.
Two chicks, about the same ages,
same economic level,
and you make the choice.
But you got to marry her.
Whatever marriage means to you.
Kissing and hugging
and sleeping in a single bed
on hot nights.
Fifteen years
with a Black, Black woman
or 15 years
with a white, white woman.
Kissing and hugging
that Black, Black woman
or the white one.
You make your choice between the
Black woman or the white woman.
The white woman...
is Kate Smith.
The Black woman
is Lena Horne.
So, then you are not concerned
with Black or white anymore,
are you?"
I don't know if there's
any losers out here.
You know, when you break up
with your old lady,
uh, get divorced,
uh, here's the problem.
I don't know
if you'll encounter it.
It's particularly
a show business problem,
but, uh... because of my hours.
I'm not a particularly
promiscuous person,
but I like to have someone,
you know, to hang out with,
to talk to.
Usually, I go out with chicks
that are between 30 and 40,
because they're usually divorced
and good and bitter, too,
you know.
But the hang-up is,
where can you go
at 4:00 in the morning?
And every chick I know
who's divorced
has got a seven-year-old kid.
If they haven't got
a seven-year-old kid,
they've got a mother who lives
with them who's divorced, too.
And those kinds of mothers
are real nuts.
You know, complete competition
with their daughters.
"Oh, you think I got nice legs?
I was a Charleston dancer."
Yeah. Yeah.
And so the hang-up is,
at 4:00 in the morning,
where you gonna...
If you say, uh, "motel,"
semantics, that's out.
Yeah.
Really. It's got, like,
a lewd connotation.
So, I figured all kinds
of devices, like, uh,
I tell a chick "a trailer."
That sounds cute, right?
Nothing dirty about trailers.
"Hey, want to go to my trailer?"
"Yeah, okay. Where is it?"
"Well, it's
in my motel room now."
"Yeah.
I'll help you assemble it."
This one chick, oh,
I kind of dug her, you know?
Uh, I known her a couple years,
seen her after work.
And, uh, we're sitting there
outside of the motel,
and, uh, she says,
"All right, look.
I don't want to go in there.
I don't want to be embarrassed
with the registering
and all that. You go in."
I say, "All right. Solid.
You stay in the car."
So, I go in.
Uh, "Hello."
"Hello. Um...
How much is it here a month?"
"Well, we just got
a daily rate.
Six dollars."
"Uh...
I'll tell you what.
Uh...
My sister's out in the car,
and, uh...
we had a terrible tragedy
in our family.
My uncle passed away.
And I don't know if you've
ever had a tragedy like that.
Uh, we were very close
to him, in fact.
And, uh, she's all shook up.
She's under sedation.
She's just hysterical.
So, I'm gonna sleep with her."
Time to split.
Grab a shovel and go home.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Ooh, sorry if that was a foot!
Ah! Ha! There she is.
Everyone, this is Midge Maisel.
Mrs., to those in the know.
Hey, hey, hey,
how's your father-in-law?
He's fine, actually.
He's gonna recover.
Oh, thank God.
We were in a panic all evening.
Uh, can you all excuse me?
I have to talk to this lady
for a moment.
Lenny, you were
insanely great tonight.
Really.
The people around me
never wanted you to stop.
Might've wanted you to slow down
if they were following you
like this.
Lenny.
Little tip:
the nicer the lady looks,
the worse her shoes are.
Wow.
This is amazing.
How did it feel?
How did it feel? Uh...
It felt great.
Been here before
to see concerts,
but out in the audience,
obviously.
I hear you turned down
the Bennett gig.
Yeah.
I did.
Said you wouldn't even
come to the phone.
Well, that was more Susie,
but yes.
Okay.
Let's put aside for a moment
that I went to bat for you
for that job.
I mean, really, I turned down
their price three times.
"No, she can't work for that.
Do you have any idea
what you're getting here?"
That's on me.
You didn't ask me to do that,
so I'm the schmuck there.
- Lenny...
- But I couldn't
really figure out why.
So I asked around.
I don't know.
Were you being
blacklisted again?
Did the Baldwin thing
hurt you that much?
I'm at Carnegie Hall.
I've got five minutes
where maybe I can help you
before I'm thrown out
of the club again.
But then I heard that
you were turning down gigs
right and left.
I made a decision
to do things my way.
I'm sorry, what does that mean?
It means I just want to say
what I want to say.
Why am I explaining this to you?
Why? Because my fucking mind
is blown, that's why.
I don't understand.
No opening act gigs.
- Yes.
- That's true?
Yes, that's true.
I told you about the manifesto.
Do you understand
that this is a business?
Like anything else...
You get hired, you get paid.
- You understand that?
- Yes, but...
And the trick is
to get good and get paid.
I get paid at the Wolford.
Oh, come on.
One thing you are not is dumb.
Wait a minute.
You never compromise.
You get up onstage knowing the
police could be there, or, hell,
that they are there, and you say
whatever the hell it is
you want anyhow.
Why is it wrong for me
to want to do
- the very same thing?
- Jesus Christ, Midge.
What a fucking pedestal
you put me on.
Getting arrested
is not a badge of honor.
Getting arrested means I can't
work where I want to work.
People are afraid of booking me.
It's exactly the opposite
of what I want for myself.
- But...
- Do you know how much
I hate knowing that half
the people that come to see me
are hoping I'm gonna get popped?
Hoping they'll have some great
story to tell their friends
over cheese and crackers?
I want people to fucking laugh.
Think and laugh, sure,
but laugh.
I'm a comic.
An entertainer.
Baggy pants, banana peels.
I'm not the stand-up messiah.
This is what I want.
This is what I have worked for.
Don't you want this?
Don't you want to be here?
Don't you want to know
a thousand mental patients
braved a fucking snowstorm
to see you?
- That should be the goal.
- How do you know it's not?
Because you're not
gonna get here
hiding yourself away in a club
that technically doesn't exist.
- I'm not hiding.
- You sure as fuck are hiding.
So what you got dumped
by Baldwin?
Who gives a shit?
Go get another gig.
And another and another.
So I'm just supposed
to get fired
from one job after another?
Yes. If that's what it takes.
Listen to me.
I have made a lot of mistakes
and I am gonna keep making
a lot of mistakes,
but one thing
is crystal clear in my mind
and it's what the endgame is.
Oh, really? So that's
what the bag in your...
No. Do not make this about me.
This is about you.
You wanted me to remember
you're funny, right?
That night?
You didn't want me
to think of you as just a girl.
You wanted me
to think of you as a comic.
Well, don't you forget
that I'm a comic, too.
Don't you dare look at me
as someone to be pitied
or helped or fixed.
I do not want or need that,
especially from you.
- I don't want to fix you.
- Ninety percent of this game
is how they see you.
They see you hanging
with Tony Bennett,
they think
you deserve to be there.
They see you hauled off to jail
for saying "fuck"
at a strip club,
they think
you deserve that also.
Wise up.
I'm not hiding.
I have a plan.
Don't plan!
Work.
Just work and keep working.
There is a moment
in this business,
window's open.
If you miss it, it closes.
Just don't...
If you blow this, Midge,
I swear...
...you will break
my fucking heart.
Kennedy/Johnson!
We did it!
♪ Oops, there goes the opp...
♪