The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017–…): Season 4, Episode 6 - Maisel vs. Lennon: The Cut Contest - full transcript

[children chattering,
squealing playfully in distance]

[inhales sharply, groans]

[groaning]

[distant, muffled chatter]

[sighs]

[toys squeaking]

[ice cream truck music
plays in distance]

[toys clatter]

[running footsteps]

[quiet chatter in distance]

[running footsteps]



[Abe] Lenny.

Good morning.
Would you like some coffee?

- I...
- We have bagels,
bialys, grapefruit.

- Zelda could make you a blintz.
- Oh, yes. Go with the blintz.

The blintz is
a wonderful choice.

I'm sorry, who are you?

- Miss December.
- You look different.

It was the night you were
talking about Miss December.

We were in jail together.

Well, I've been in jail
with a variety of people.

[Rose] Oh, by the way,
we told the children

you were in their room
because you had

a tummy ache from eating
too many cookies.

We'd like you to stick with
that story, if you don't mind.



Personally, I advocated
for the truth.

[Rose] I wasn't in the mood
to describe a mild case

of alcohol poisoning to a
five-year-old, so if he asks...

- Who?
- Ethan.

I don't know who...

If a child asks you why
you're here, your answer is...

I thought you said
he was bright.

I was talking about his humor.

As a man,
he could be a total idiot.

Excuse me.

Uh, last night,
I had a few more things on me.

- A... a coat, shoes, a wallet.
- [children's music plays
in distance]

- D-Does anyone else hear that?
- [Midge] Success.

Hey, look who's finally up.

- Wait. You.
- Oh?

- I know you.
- I know you, too.

And you are
a very sound sleeper.

Ethan climbed right over you

to get his fire truck,
and you didn't budge.

Wait. Oh, God.

[Lenny muttering]

- [snaps fingers]
- That's the Hudson River
out the window.

Upper West Side.

You're right... he must have
someone else write his material.

- You want some coffee?
- We offered. He just stared.

I'm sorry I wasn't there
when you woke up,

but I'm toilet-training
my daughter.

When she does good,
she gets the song.

And today,
she did very, very good.

Yesterday was a disaster.

We have to replace
the wallpaper.

Well, everybody has their ups...

- Uh, could I...
- Hmm?

- Do you want to take a shower?
- I do not want
to take a shower.

[Rose] I think
you should take a shower.

Thank you very much,
lady in the kitchen.

I will shower when I... Shit.

[Midge] Oh. Ow.

How did I get here?

- What do you remember?
- Nothing.

Well, last night, I was
driving home from the club,

and I saw you
passed out on the ground.

I tried to ask you
where you were staying,

and you said, "Nice hair."

- I said, "Nice hair"?
- No, but for the sake

of our friendship,
let's stick with "hair."

Anyhow, I said, "Thanks,"
and I brought you here

and stuck you in my son's room.

- Oh, with the tiny bed.
- Well, he's five.

- Was I robbed last night?
- Not that I know of.

Where are my shoes,
my jacket, my wallet, my watch?

Zelda insisted
on pressing your jacket

and shining your shoes, and
I took your wallet and hid it

because Ethan's going through
a money-eating phase,

and I have no idea
where your watch is.

- Let me go look.
- Wait.

- I need your pants.
- I need them more.

They are wrinkled.
They are bad pants.

Well, you just have to
get to know them better.

[Midge] Okay!
I found your watch!

Oh. Zelda,
the jacket looks great.

You want to give her your pants?

Take a wild guess.

- He's keeping the pants, Zelda.
- [Zelda clicking tongue]

Shoes and wallet.

Ethan did find it,
and he took a bite

out of a ten spot,
so I'll reimburse you.

I could not find your tie,
but it'll turn up eventually.

Keep the tie.

- Lenny.
- I have ties.

Thank you for this,
but the next time you see me

and you think
that I might need help,

please just keep walking.

[Midge] Hey.

Hey. Drama queen.

Dead end.

Can we please... Lenny.

The elevator...

[buzzing]

[bell dings]

Why the hell do you live
on such a high floor?

Why are you... Really?

Lenny!

Morning, Mrs. Teitelbaum.

Lenny!

Lenny.

Don't you have cabs
on the Upper West Side?

Honestly, they may be
steering clear of you.

- Here.
- What's that?

- That's your shoe.
- No, I'm wearing my...

Two seconds ago, it was on.

- Why are you so upset?
- I have to get home.

I basically scraped you
off the sidewalk last night,

and you're mad at me?
You should be thankful.

I'm thankful.
Go back inside.

Protect the wallpaper
at all costs.

You do know you're acting
like a child, right?

Of course I'm acting
like a child.

I'm a comedian.
Please go back inside.

Lenny Bruce. That's Lenny Bruce.

- Hey, Lenny.
- Yes. Hello.

- Lenny, you're the best.
- Thank you.

I don't understand
what's going on here.

- You don't?
- You're the king, Lenny.
The fucking king.

Thank you.
As my subject, you're dismissed.

- Both of you.
- [driver] Lenny.

If you want a cab,
you might want to try...

- Don't tell me
how to get a cab.
- [driver] Lenny!

I wasn't telling you
how to get a cab.

I was telling you
where to get a cab.

- [driver] Lenny!
- I can get a cab.

I've been getting cabs
since before you were born.

Hey, Lenny, I'm talking to you.
Look at me.

Is this really how you act
when someone does you a favor?

I'm over here
giving you compliments,

- and you're ignoring me.
- I'm sorry, have you two met?

Hey. Fuck you, Bruce.
You hear me?

You're the poor man's Mort Sahl.

The-the light's green, sir.

Go iron your pants,
you cocksucker.

Why are you acting like this?

Because this is not my scene.

This place, that apron,

Grandma and Grandpa
having breakfast,

kids running around
learning to shit,

Leni Riefenstahl
demanding my pants.

Well, the last one's
a little my scene, but...

Wow. I am absolutely stunned.

- I know you meant well.
- Yeah. I meant well.

I brought you to my home
so you could sleep it off

in a bed and not a holding cell.

Sorry my parents and my kids
are not your scene.

I don't care about the kids.
I have a kid.

- You do?
- Yes.

- Boy or girl?
- Girl.

- You've never mentioned her.
- Really?

In all the times we've been
sitting around knitting

and making apple dolls
while the pies bake in the oven,

I've never discussed
my child with you?

You know why?
Because we're not supposed to.

That's not how it works.
We're comics.

[à la Dracula] Creatures
of the night.

We discuss debauchery
and pornography.

We make jokes about dictators
coming over for dinner.

Ten minutes on
how Stalin likes his steak.

We don't wear aprons
and discuss potty training.

If I want to talk about my
daughter, I'll call my mother.

What are you doing?

I have to take a piss.

Well, come back upstairs
and use the bathroom.

If I use your bathroom,
you'll play music.

I don't want a soundtrack
while I pee.

Finally.

Look, I'm...

I know I'm... Here.

I'm sorry. What do you think
happened last night?

No, it-it's for the taxi,
the shoe polishing, the blintz.

Christ.

It was a really terrific
carpenter.

- [ice cream truck
music playing]
- [man] Ice cream! Ice cream!

[kids chattering excitedly]

[taxi driver] Hey.
Aren't you Lenny Bruce?

[Lenny] Just drive.

[operator] Operator.
What's the number, please?

Yeah, hi. I'm looking
for the number of a nightclub.

What's the name
of the nightclub?

I don't know the name,
but I do know it's in Chinatown.

- Does that help?
- No.

Okay, well, could you look up
clubs in Chinatown?

[chuckling] No.

Well, could you
list off anything

that sounds like
a club in Chinatown?

I could. Could you answer

all my other calls
for the next six hours?

You know, I'm a talent manager.
Ever thought of going onstage?

Oh, wait. Joel Maisel.

- Try Joel Maisel's club
in Chinatow...
- [click, dial tone]

Hello?

You were supposed to share.

- Dinah.
- [Dinah] Yes?

I need to get Mike Carr.

I left word earlier twice.

- Did you use my name?
- God, no.

Good.

Appreciate you eating all this
on my bed, by the way.

You should have the lady
find the club.

- What lady?
- The lady who sits out there.

Have her find the club.

That's why she's there, right?

Sitting there every day,
just listening?

Do not eat on my bed,
and mind your own business.

No. That's too much
direction at one time.

- [Dinah] Thank you.
- [man] Have a good day.

[Dinah] You just
got another one.

Wines of the world.

The "O" in "world" is
a little globe. Cute.

You better hide it before Alfie
gets his passport out.

Miss Lennon sure is grateful
to you for something.

Well, she's grateful the voices
in her head haven't unionized.

Listen, Midge's ex has
a club in Chinatown,

and I'm trying
to get the number.

- I'm on it.
- I don't remember the name.

- Yep. I'm on it.
- [girl shouts, laughs]

- Who is this again?
- That's my niece.

- My sister had to work today.
- Uh-huh.

I'm not sure if that's the
most professional thing to do.

- [girl] Hello, sir!
- Oh, it is.

Every office I've worked in,
all the secretaries did this.

It's not lost on me you don't
work at those offices anymore.

Shh. I'm on the phone.

It said there were
cookies in here.

I hate being lied to.

Hey, how about
you go find a cute blonde

so you can saw her in half
or something?

I have Joel Maisel on the line.

You did not find him that fast.

- Yes, I did.
- Joel Maisel?

- Yes.
- You found Joel Maisel?

- Yes.
- I didn't tell you his name.

- You gonna pick up the phone?
- I am gonna pick up the phone.

Now, that's a fucking magician.

[clears throat]

Joel? Hello.

Susie Myerson
at Susie Myerson and Associates.

- How are you today, buddy?
- [Joel] Who is this?

It's Susie Myerson
of Susie Myerson and Associates.

I hope I am not
interrupting anything.

Who is this?

You are a very funny guy.

Anyhow, Joel, I'm calling today
to talk to you about...

Wait, you do know
who this is, right?

I've narrowed it down to either
Bette Davis or Rock Hudson.

I am just trying
to reset our relationship.

We don't have
a relationship to reset.

Let's set one.

I am a talent manager.
You own a nightclub.

We may wind up doing business
together down the road.

So just shut your goddamn trap
and act professional.

"Manager." Come on.
You have one client,

and she can come down here
anytime. She knows that.

Actually, I have
an exciting new client now.

One that you haven't fucked.

- Comic?
- Magician.

Like card tricks and shit?

No. Much more than card tricks.

He is a master
of sleight of hand.

An illusionist. A hypnotist.

Hell, he may actually be magic.

And there's no one
like him anywhere.

I would love for you
to book him in your new club,

which I have heard wonderful
things about, by the way.

Stop that. It's unnerving.

I will take any slot
that you give him.

He's very cool, super hip.
The kids are gonna love him.

Well, I got to see what he does.

Absolutely.

First show's free.
If he knocks you on your ass,

you book him for a month. Deal?

We'll see.

Mm, savvy businessman.

We are gonna make
beautiful music together.

All right, bye.

I was sitting on the cookies.

[Sophie] Oscar Levant,

how many seconds
do you want to use

- for your next question?
- Um, uh...

You have 37 in the bank.

I'll use, uh, 18.

All right, in 18 seconds,

name every state that begins
with an "M" or a "C."

Start the clock.

Uh, "M," uh, Mississippi,
Missouri, Maine, Melinda.

- No, that's not a state.
That's an ex-wife.
- [audience laughing]

You secede from the union?

After she fired
on my Fort Sumter.

[laughing]

Mama, Papa, the kids are asleep,
and I'm heading out.

[Sophie] ...but Sandy over here

just got attacked
by a microphone.

Sandy, what the heck
just happened?

[Sandy] I got hit
in the head with the boom.

[Sophie] I know.
I heard the boom.

[Sandy] I'm sorry.
Who's talking?

[broadcast continues
indistinctly]

[Sandy] Luckily, I'm wearing
two kinds of hairspray.

[broadcast continues
indistinctly]

[Sophie] Pete's the culprit.

All right, Oscar,
I didn't forget you.

Start the clock.

[Oscar] Montana, uh, California,

Connecticut, Cucamonga.
Is that a state?

A state of confusion
is more like it.

- [Oscar] What else is new?
- [bell rings]

[Sophie] Time's up.

- Ooh. What did he miss?
- He missed Michigan.

- He missed Colorado.
- That's right.

- What's going on here?
- It's Seconds Count!

- It's so fun.
- And Sophie is hysterical.

She's at her absolute best.

I was talking about
the TV trays.

- They're for Sophie's show.
- If you miss an episode,

you can't converse
with anyone the next day,

because it's all people
want to talk about.

So on Thursday nights,
we eat here.

Different. Okay.

Well, the kids are asleep,

the fridge light's out,
and I'm taking off.

So long.

[Sophie] Okay, in your
remaining time, name...

You do know she tried to destroy
your daughter's career, right?

- Who? Sophie?
- Yes, Sophie.

- Water under the bridge.
- Whatever you say.

- Carry on.
- [Sophie] Sandy,
it's not the Big D.

- It's Austin.
- [Sandy] Austin!

It's not water under the bridge.

We're missing the program.

It's nostalgia, right?
You remember her from radio

and a time when it was fun
to play with a hoop and a stick?

No, it's because
we think she's hilarious.

She's our new Chaplin.

No comment. Adieu.

Okay, if you meant
Buddy Chaplin,

the guy who measures feet
at the kids' shoe store

and is rumored to have
a dead piece of a Siamese twin

sticking out of his stomach,
then yes, maybe.

But Charlie Chaplin?

Modern Times? The Gold Rush?
I think not.

- I thought you didn't have
any comment.
- [audience laughing]

Damn! Missed it.
She just said something funny.

She never says something funny.

It's all ridiculously
contrived "bon motts."

- That's all it is.
- They're not contrived.

And if you had studied French
instead of Russian,

you'd know it was...
[French pronunciation] bon mots.

Well, that's mo'
than I needed to know.

Thank you.

Sophie's contrived,
but that's funny?

Okay, I heard that.

Oh, we're missing
the commercial.

It's a laxative commercial.

Yeah, but she does them,
and she does them funny.

She's so irreverent.
And she's lost so much weight.

I think I've said my piece.

- Peace would be nice.
- Amen.

[broadcast continues
indistinctly]

- [applause, cheering]
- [lively jazz music plays]

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

[glass squeaking]

[man] Hey!
What's going on up there?

[horn honking]

[man] Come on!

[audience cheering, whistling]

- [horn honking]
- [man] Whoa!

[glass squeaking]

The hot water
in the shower is back on.

The coffee area was cleaned,
and we got a new coffee maker.

We got cream and sugar
even though sugar means bugs.

That's what sugar bowls are for.

We will get a sugar bowl.

We moved the paint cans
and tarps from the storage room.

The floor-to-ceiling mirror's
been hung.

The new seamstress is here.
She did not come with

her own sewing machine,
as you had promised,

but when we moved
the paint cans and tarps,

we found out we actually had
a sewing machine,

so there you go.

The roof will be fixed
next week.

We found Duke's trumpet.

We cannot find Duke.

The dr... The dressing room
speaker works now,

and we were unable
to remove the urinal

from the ladies' room,
so we turned it into a planter.

Boise, this is good progress.

I just might make
a stage manager out of you yet.

Hey, I'm not a stage manager.
I am a manager manager.

I manage the stage, yes,
but I manage other things.

The front room. I manage that.

The loading dock. I am
definitely the manager of...

Well, I share that
responsibility with Dave,

- but when deliveries
come, I am...
- Wrap it up.

- I got to work.
- Yep.

[applause]

[whistling sound effect]

[glass breaking sound effect]

- [man] Hey!
- [horn honks]

Whoops.

[audience whooping, whistling]

[wolf whistle]

Two gin rickeys,
three banana daiquiris,

a Singapore sling
and a White Russian.

- Extra Russian.
- Gin and sin,
rum runner, sidecar,

three grasshoppers,
one with whipped cream.

Kenny, where's my sherry flip?

I got three mai tais here,
no flip.

Hold your horses.
What came after grasshoppers?

- Sherry flip.
- Extra cherries.

Sherry flip, sherry flip,
sherry flip, sherry...

- Thank you.
- How's it going, Kenny?

Out of white wine.

Bartender, six palomas
to that table right down there.

And keep 'em coming.

- Paloma, paloma...
- Uh, excuse me.

We're gonna need a grapefruit.

- [jackhammering sound effect]
- [audience cheering, whooping]

[man] Oh, yeah.

[man 2] Whoa.

[wolf whistle]

[lively jazz music continues]

- [music ends]
- [man] Hey!

- [glass breaking sound effect]
- [cheering]

[music resumes]

[indistinct chatter]

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hi.

- Excuse us.
- [cheering]

- Hi.
- Look, there she is.

- Well...
- [glass breaking sound effect]

Hello, hello, hello. Wow.

- Look at all the ladies
in the audience tonight.
- [women cheering]

You do realize the Bergdorf sale
is about 15 blocks north, right?

- [laughter]
- Dresses here
are also half off

but probably not
in the way you're thinking.

Hello, ladies. You lost?

She's getting married
this weekend,

and we brought her here.

So I could talk her out of it?

[laughter]

- What's your name?
- Nora.

Congratulations, Nora.

What's your fiancé's name?

Montgomery.

Got a picture?

Not bad. Huh?

But remember, one day,
you go to bed with this,

the next day,
you wake up with that.

[laughter]

I'm just kidding, sir.

[mouthing]

[applause]

[typewriter keys clacking]

[typewriter bell dings]

And... stop.

[bell dings]

How's it going in here?

- [whispers] I like the look.
- [whispers] I know.

They're my smart-girl glasses.
Totally fake.

- They look so real.
- [squeals]

Ladies, I can hear every word
you are pretending not to say.

[chuckles] Well, I am impressed.

- Dody...
- Imogene.

...has just broken
her previous record,

which she set
exactly ten minutes ago.

80 words a minute.

Not my personal best,
but it was James Joyce,

- so I was very nervous.
- I'm sorry, what?

I was transcribing
Finnegans Wake.

It feels like
you're writing gibberish,

but apparently, he's a genius.

I had a feeling
you two would hit it off.

Hit it off?
That's putting it mildly.

- Dody...
- Imogene.

...is a diamond
in the coal mine.

I don't think that's the saying,
but I don't care.

My God, to have the freedom
to write but not have to type?

My whole life will be different.

- So I'm hired?
- I will never let you leave.

- I'm a hostage! Yay!
- [Zelda] Miss Miriam!

Coming, Zelda!

- So, Dody...
- [Midge] Imogene.

Ready for some Proust?

The real question is:
Is Mr. Proust ready for me?

[chuckles] Oh.

The fridge is dead.

I come in, I open, no light.
Things are warm.

I try to see if it's plug.

I plug there, I plug there.
It's not plug.

Yeah, the light
was out last night.

What do you mean,
"the light was out last night"?

I opened the fridge last night,
and there was no light.

So it died last night and you
just left it there to stink?

- I didn't know what it meant.
- You didn't know what it...

What kind of woman are you?
You were married.

You had children.
How did that happen?

Well, it had nothing to do with
the fridge, I can assure you.

[speaking Polish]

Zelda, I will fix it.

In the meantime,
let's ask some of the neighbors

if they can store
some things for us, huh?

[sighs]

[Rose] Come on in,
Norma and Lorraine.

We'll sit down,
have some iced tea,

and you can tell me
everything about yourselves

- that might be of interest...
- [typewriter keys
clacking loudly]

- Abe.
- Rose.

This girl is a prodigy.

If the government
knew about her,

she'd be locked in a lab
getting probed.

- Time.
- Ha!

Excuse me, ladies.

Abe, I reserved
the living room yesterday.

- Didn't you consult the chart?
- I did not consult the chart.

Well, it was your idea
to make the chart,

so I assumed
you would consult the chart.

- We're almost done.
- After all, you made the chart.

- I'm leaving. Dody...
- [Midge] Imogene!

Gather your things
and follow me.

We can go to the bathroom.

That's where
I usually work anyway.

- [phone ringing]
- I'm going to get that tea.

[phone continues ringing]

Goodness,
what is happening here?

The fridge died, and Zelda
forgot she taught me Polish.

Hello?

- [typewriter keys clacking]
- [Rose speaking indistinctly]

[sighs]

Oh. Hi.

I'm Miriam Maisel.

You two look like you have
a refrigerator at home.

Well, yes,
that sounds wonderful.

I would be honored to attend.

Mm-hmm.

All right.

Thank you.

How could you not
teach your daughter

about the light in the fridge?

There's a light in the fridge?

Miriam, guess what.

I have been invited to the
Small Business Women's Council

annual luncheon
in Brighton Beach.

- Really?
- That's right.

Your mother's now officially
known as a small businesswoman.

No, wait.
A small women's business.

No, I'm the owner of a business,

and it's small,
and I'm a woman, so...

Well, I'm getting a free lunch.

Congratulations, Mama. Really.

Thank you.

Miriam.

What?

I offered. They took.

[Rose] You didn't even ask them
to sit down first?

Oh. Yeah. Would you like
to have a seat?

Goodbye, Miriam.

I am so sorry.
That was my daughter.

She's... hilarious.
She was kicked in the head

by a horse when she was
a child, also, so...

[♪ Patience and Prudence:
"The Money Tree"]

♪ Pull up an easy chair
and sit yourself down ♪

♪ And lean back ♪

♪ While we tell you
about the folks ♪

- ♪ Who live in the town
of Greenback ♪
- [man] Wow. Gorgeous.

[man whoops]

♪ They never have to work
on their hands and knees ♪

[man] Ooh-wee, she is a beaut.
Ain't she a beaut?

♪ 'Cause they live in a place
where money grows on trees ♪

[groans]

♪ Oh, the money tree,
the money tree ♪

♪ It's a beautiful sight
to see...

Dinah? Dinah!

[grumbles]

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

- Somebody loves you.
- This is not love.

They came with a golf pro,
but he had to leave.

- I have his card.
- Get me Sophie Lennon.

- On it.
- [kids shouting, laughing]

They're fucking multiplying.

[Dinah] Thomas,
when you catch her, wash her.

Fuck! Fuck.

[kids laughing]

[Dinah] Sorry. I know.
I was gonna move those.

I've got Sophie Lennon
on line one.

Dinah, there's only one line.
Stop saying "line one."

But when people hear "line one,"
they think there's a line two.

- It makes you sound important.
- I am important, Dinah.

- I'm important.
- I want people to know that.

- Close the door.
- [door closes]

Sophie, it's got to stop now.

It's not Miss Lennon.

Oh, goody. Humbert Humbert.

Put your boss on.

I'm afraid I can't.

She's having her Roman wax.

- Her what?
- [Sophie screaming]

[Dawes] It's the removal of hair

from where it shouldn't be.

- [Sophie] Dawes, ask Susie
how she liked the...
- [ripping]

[screaming] Cadillac!

Did you like the Cadillac?

Dawes, tell her
I hate the Cadillac,

the luggage stinks,
and that there's no point

in sending gifts, so just stop.

Miss Lennon wants you
to have them.

That's the point of gifts.

[Sophie] Oh, and ask her
if she liked the Carava...

[Sophie screaming]

[Dawes] She stopped
a couple syllables short,

but I believe she was inquiring
about the Caravaggio.

Dawes, I have no idea
what the fuck a Caravaggio is,

but you tell that crazy woman
we had a deal.

- I help her,
and she goes the fuck away.
- [knocking on window]

[Dawes] She's objecting
to your generosity.

[Sophie] She got me
the game show.

Dawes, tell her that.

- She says...
- All I did

was get her on Gordon Ford.

She got the game show herself.

So she can take back her gifts
and give them all to herself.

- [Sophie] Dawes, tell her I...
- [ripping]

[Sophie screaming wildly]

Your guess is as good
as mine on that one.

Goodbye.

Dinah, get me
a new goddamn orange.

You want me to fall over dead
from a heart attack.

Is that what you want, Miriam?

Because you're doing
a great job,

if that's what you want.

I don't want you to have
a heart attack, Moishe.

You have been so good to me.

I really have, haven't I?
I'm a good man.

But I need to be honest here.

I just need a smidgen of a skosh
more time for my next payment.

What's that?
A smidgen of a skosh?

Is that like a bissel?

Say, a couple weeks?

I just bagged a giant
Tupperware order

from our professor neighbor
in nine-B.

She brought the whole Barnard
geology department in on it.

They're gonna use them
to store fossils.

Now, I'm not talking
a Brownie Wise level order here.

What's that? A Brownie Wise?

She was the first one to toss

a bowl filled with water
to one of the guests

to demonstrate
its airtight sealability.

Brownie is a Tupperware legend.

Call an ambulance, Shirl!

But I don't get my cut
from the order

until the check clears,
and the check was drawn

from a bank in Toronto,
so guess she's Canadian.

Now that I think about it, she
does say "a-roond" and "a-boot."

"Skosh" and "smidgen"
are not words suitable

to a legally binding
contract, Miriam.

Are you aware of that?

Moishe, I'll let you go.
Thanks for understanding.

Your grandchildren love you.

That's not gonna work this time!

[sighs] I need a drink.

How'd you get jelly
on your shirt?

Oh, Dinah had a niece
with jelly on it.

[Mario] It's not fitting
the business model.

[Boise] We have
a business model?

Girls, booze, men paying for it.
That's the business model.

But she's funny, right?
You said she was funny.

Yes, she's funny, but she's
turning the place into...

I don't know what.

- Are you talking about me?
- [sighs]

I thought you'd left.
And hey, you didn't knock.

- [knocks]
- Are you talking about me?

- What is this, Boise?
- Terrence, Mrs. Maisel

and her pushy little
midgety manager, Susie.

Terrence is our partner.

Very important partner.

And Mario is what he looks like.

Mrs. Maisel, you've scared up
quite the ruckus.

How? The house is
packed every night.

Yeah, with
the wrong kind of people.

What's the wrong kind of people?

The kind that make
pork chops for dinner.

- Short-order cooks?
- Women.

So what if
the audience is women?

So what? This is a jiggle joint.

- Don't say it like that.
- This is an entertainment venue

- catering to a select
male clientele.
- Who like titties.

- So?
- [Boise] So, men come here

to get away from women.

Except the women onstage.

The whole place
smells different, too.

- What are you smelling?
- It's what I'm not smelling.

Beer, piss, ammonia.

I changed the smell?
That's a neat trick.

And is that so bad? That the
place doesn't smell like piss?

Oh, good.
Bunny has something to add.

- I don't like
the smell of piss.
- Me, neither.

And for me,
it depends on the circumstances.

I'm sorry,
you guys should be sore.

Maisel's hogging
all the spotlight.

All I know is that since she got
here, the coffee's much better.

And there's less weird guys
hanging around backstage.

She got us a seamstress, too.

Now our clothes
don't fall off us.

They're supposed
to fall off you.

- Terrence, the business model.
- Not that you're asking,

but the women tip better,
you know.

I wasn't asking, but thank you.

Women are more generous
and giving.

That's a fact of the species.

We give life to fucking babies.

You're off the clock, Bunny.

No, you're off the clock, Boise!

It wasn't an insult, Bunny.

I'm saying you're off the clock.
Go home.

They're not discreet, either,
and the cops are noticing.

When a show's over, men leave.

These women, they hang around
out front laughing, chatting.

So what?
Makes the place seem fun.

This business is illegal.
Do you not understand that?

Booze sales are up, though.
Am I reading this right?

Yeah, Terrence,
but it's crazy fruity stuff:

banana daiquiris,
mai tais, pink squirrels.

- Those are drinks?
- And they all want

those tiny little umbrellas
stuck in them.

Over my dead body am I buying
tiny little umbrellas

and a feminine
product dispenser.

- They got those?
- Sure, they do.

Geez, so classy.
It'll be like the Frick museum.

Well, receipts are up.

That's what I'm seeing...
Across the board.

So I say, if we're raking in
simoleons, we stick to the path.

- What path?
- Order the tiny umbrellas.

And the feminine dispenser.

I want our customers dispensed
while they're here.

And keep doing your act.

Just like you're doing it.
'Cause we'll have both:

gentlemen's entertainment
and a funny girl comic.

- Let's call it a night.
- [Susie] Hold on a second.

Sounds to me like it's time
to give my girl

- a cut of the bar tab.
- N-No way.

Then I'll book her somewhere
else, take the audience with us.

We have a contract.
Remember the contract?

With an unlicensed,
illegal strip club.

Whoa, everybody calm down.
Jesus.

He's tough.
He should work the door.

Uh, we'll discuss
a cut of the bar tomorrow.

- Let's do it now.
- I'm tired.

I want to go home
and watch Gordon Ford.

Eddie Fisher's
going to explain himself.

Oh, shit. I want to watch
Gordon Ford, too.

So, tomorrow. Good night, all.

Will you go home?

How about a couple of
banana daiquiris, Kenny?

Ladies.

Ooh!

[kids laughing]

[phone ringing]

- Got it, Zelda.
- [bowl thuds]

I'm sorry about the fridge.

Please don't be mad
at me forever.

I'll try. I will try.

- Hello?
- [ice clatters]

[Dinah] Hi. Miriam Maisel?

That's me.

[laughs] You sound funny.

- Pardon me?
- Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm Dinah, Susie's secretary.

I was just saying that
I think you're gonna be

a huge star
'cause you sound funny.

Well, thank you, Dinah.

- Hold for Susie?
- You got it.

Susie, Miriam Maisel
on line one.

Nothing's flashing.

I think the hold button's
broken.

Well, put her through,
but call someone

and have 'em fix
the hold button.

We've only got one line.

I can't call someone
while you're on the line.

[Susie] Just put her through!

- Hello?
- Hey. Listen.

I wanted you to hear it from me,

not one of the dopes
at the deli.

Hear what?

L. Roy Dunham struck again.

He caught your show
at the Wolford Thursday night,

and he wrote about it.

It's pretty brutal.
Don't read it.

But that was a great show.

I know. He'll move on.

Something else will send him
slithering in another direction.

When? When will he stop?
It's been months.

I don't know. Forget him.

The audience loves you.
That's all that matters.

Yeah, you're right.

The show was good.
The audience was good.

Everything's good.

- [indistinct chatter]
- [phones ringing]

Hi. I'm looking
for L. Roy Dunham.

- And you are?
- Miriam Weissman.

Miriam Weissman.

- So, two S's?
- Yes.

- Great. Wait here.
- Thank you.

Mrs. Maisel.

{an8}L. Roy Dunham.

{an8}Nice to finally meet you.

You smell good in person.
Is that Arpège?

I don't understand. You're...

- L. Roy Dunham.
- You?

- Me.
- You're the one

who's been writing
all those terrible articles?

Actually, I think
they're pretty good, but yes.

- But... you're a woman.
- What?

And you've always been a woman.

I have, yes.

Be a better story if I hadn't,
though, right? [clicks tongue]

So, Mrs. Maisel,
what can I do for you?

You can stop writing about me.

Mm, I don't think so. What else?

Well, you can tell me why you
write all that shit about me.

Oh, there's that classy verbiage
I love so much.

Oh, so I offend you? Is that it?
Don't think I'm ladylike enough?

Would you believe
I just don't find you funny?

I would not,
'cause I'm hilarious.

You just make great copy,
you know?

Don't see a lot of female comics
as it is, but one like you,

looks like you, talks like you,
it kind of writes itself.

- These are hit pieces.
- No!

You called me a slut.

Just implied.
I cleared it with legal.

Wow. You seem
really proud of yourself.

Well, you caught me
on a good day.

I just got the window desk.

Took it from Eddie over there.

Hey, Eddie!

Oh, he's a little sore.

He had this desk for five years,
and he's really good.

You should read his pieces
on government waste

and corruption and cronyis...
[imitates snoring]

Okay. Time to go.

I'm sorry you're upset,

but look at it this way, I'm
keeping your name in the press.

I'm a gin girl, in case you want
to send a thank-you gift.

Okay, go ahead.

Take your best shot.

If you think
you're gonna destroy me

or run me out of the business...

Oh, God, no.
That would be terrible.

I mean, you're a gold mine.

The Sophie Lennon rift was good,

but following it up
with the Shy Baldwin fiasco?

Thank you, seriously.

Do you have any idea how hard
it is to do what I'm doing?

To-to go into these clubs
run by men, dominated by men,

and go up there and try
to make men listen to me?

Of course.
That's why I write about you.

Because when I hand my editor
a piece about you...

The rougher the better...
I get print.

I get placement.
I get this desk.

I'm no longer a skirt.

I mean, hey, it's tough
being a woman in journalism.

Keep up the good work.

[elevator bell chimes]

[laughter in distance]

[Sophie] So they banned him
from the Paramount lot

- for the rest of the summer.
- [laughter]

He came in disguise once,

and they booted him out
onto Melrose.

[laughter]

Miss Miriam, your great friend
Sophie Lennon's here.

She's not my great friend.

She just told us
a disgusting story

about Mickey Rooney
and a frozen banana.

Too much funny.

- Isn't that sweet?
- It's so amazing

to have a funny person
like that here in the house.

Yes. Zelda, why don't you
give us the room?

Come on, everybody.

Thank you, Miss Sophie.

No, thank you, Miss Zelda.

- Goodbye, all.
- She's so funny.

- Bye-bye.
- [laughing]

Oh.

Boy, the rooms you play
are getting smaller by the day.

Goodbye.

You're not just a little bit
curious why I'm here, hmm?

You look thirsty.
Can I get you something?

This is my apartment.
And no, I don't want anything.

Then you can wait
outside, Dawes.

- Gladly, ma'am.
- [gasps]

- I hate that.
- [Sophie] Let's see.

The last time I saw you,
you were resplendent in red.

And you were gagging from
your epic Broadway choke-fest.

Fine, let's get down to it.

I need your help.

- For what?
- You know what.

I want Susie back as my manager.

- Sophie...
- That woman is the future,

and she makes me feel confident,
and I need her in my corner.

Sophie, I couldn't get Susie
to do that if I tried.

And I am not going to try.

Why?

Why?

Because I hate you. Hate!

With the burning hate
of a thousand suns.

It's a lot of hate, Sophie.

It starts here,
boils here, brews here.

It is a seething, writhing,

lava-spewing volcano of hate.

I really hate you.

You're in financial straits.

- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.

This... is a charade, hmm?

You are in debt
up to your alabaster tits.

- Missed your calling as a poet.
- Hmm.

- You want me to list off
your creditors?
- Sophie...

Your grocer. Your baker.

Your dry cleaner,
he's cut you off

and won't even return
your last batch of clothes.

You owe $30
to the electric company,

20 to gas and water,

200 on your
Bloomingdale's charge.

Your fridge is out, and boy,
is Zelda pissed about that.

But your biggest debt
is to one Moishe Maisel.

That's your father-in-law,
isn't it?

Who told you this? Susie?

Oh, God, no.

My private investigator.

He can find anything on anyone.

And failing that,
he can plant anything on anyone.

But in your case,
there's no planting necessary.

You are a full-blown garden.

Why are you doing this?

Because I have an offer.
Come work on my show.

I'm sorry?

Do the warm-up.
You know what that is, right?

You are deranged.

You come out
before the broadcast,

you greet the audience,
you give them the rules,

tell a couple of jokes.

Sometimes
you throw candy at them.

- No way.
- It's easy.

They're there to laugh
and get out of the heat,

and I keep that studio cold.

The hours are minimal, and it's
a quick subway ride away.

And the money...
you will be paid a lot of money.

Too much money.
I'll see to that.

And how could this possibly
help you fix things with Susie?

My only chance at getting
her back is through you.

If we get along,
Susie will calm down,

and then she'll come
be my manager.

I would never work for you.

You won't be.
You'll be working for NBC.

And the best part?
You won't have to see me.

You'll perform, you'll leave,
and then I come on.

And that's the way it'll be.

And in a year, maybe less,
you'll be debt-free.

I'll even throw in a fridge.

And I'll muzzle that
L. Roy Dunham for you, too.

That bitch needs a comeuppance.

Women should help
each other out, don't you think?

♪ ♪

[song playing in Chinese]

[indistinct chatter]

[song continues in Chinese]

- Where is he?
- I don't know.

We had dinner down the block.

I came ahead to make sure
everything was ready.

- He may have hit a bar.
- A bar?

Is this guy a drunk?

Let me use your phone.

I shouldn't have let him
out of my sight.

Did I let you talk me
into booking a drunk magician?

I don't even know
who the fuck to call.

'Cause I'm all for
a magician disappearing

but not before he goes onstage.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Why are you still here?

You're supposed to be
on a train.

I know. Can we talk?

What's wrong?

- Office.
- Sure.

- Be right back.
- [phone line beeping]

Oh, sure, and it's my pleasure
to hang up the phone for you.

[beeping stops]

I never should've
booked this guy.

Sight unseen, I did it.

I'm an idiot.

Well, I'm pregnant.

Did you ask me
what I wanted to talk about?

No.

Oh, okay. I wanted to talk

about the fact
that I'm pregnant.

- When you're ready.
- You're pregnant?

- Yes.
- You're sure?

- Yes.
- You're sure sure?

Joel, there's a custom
in my culture.

It's an ironclad, foolproof way
to tell if a woman's pregnant.

- What is it?
- It's taking a damn test
at a doctor's office.

- I'm sure.
- Shit.

- Shit.
- Uh-huh. My first words, too.

So we're on the same page there.
That's good.

This is my fault.

- I know better.
- So do I.

- I mean, I'm gonna be a doctor.
- I know.

- I'm on a path, you know?
- Yes, I know.

- I'm gonna be a doctor.
- I know.

I'm gonna be a doctor.

I know. I heard you.

I'm gonna be a doctor!

I know you're gonna be a doctor.

Why do you keep saying
you're gonna be a doctor?

I'm not saying it to you.
I'm saying it to me.

You have to say it over
and over and over at first

so you know
the other person heard you,

and then again and again
to remind yourself

that you're actually
gonna be a doctor,

and then over and over
so you remember

you're gonna be a doctor
and you don't forget

and you don't lose focus
and you don't get pregnant!

- Mei...
- I go to bed saying
I'm gonna be a doctor.

I wake up saying
I'm gonna be a doctor.

I know.
I've woken up next to you.

You're gonna be a doctor.
It's a done deal.

You got a residency
interview tomorrow.

- It's gonna happen.
- Oh, my God.

I've got a residency
interview tomorrow.

- Go. Get on a train.
- But I'm pregnant.

- I think it's safe.
- There's jostling.

Mei, we'll figure it out.
We've got time.

I've fucked up
a lot of things in my life.

I'm not gonna fuck this up, too.
Let me get you a taxi.

I've got one outside.

Then go.

And call me from the station.

And as soon
as you get to Chicago.

And when you get to your hotel.
And when...

I'll call a lot. I promise.

You're gonna be a doctor.

[door closes]

[sighs]

[lively chatter]

[food sizzling]

[bells jingle]

Alfie.

You're very mad at me.

- I've been looking
all over for you.
- [sniffs, coughs]

That is not a spice.

I may have just
snorted gunpowder.

Goddamn, Alfie, there's a room
full of people waiting for you.

- I am aware.
- But you don't give a shit?

I didn't say that.

- You been drinking?
- I thought about it.

So you're just doing
a little shopping.

Getting a jump on Christmas?

You know, it was just about
20 years ago to the day

that I won the
Major Bowes Amateur Hour.

- I was 12.
- Impressive.

Orson Welles took me to lunch.

He ordered for both of us.

Then he asked
a very pertinent question:

"What does it mean for
a magician to perform on radio?"

- That's a pretty good question.
- And then he ate both lunches.

Sounds like Orson.

When he finished,
he went to the john

and I drank his martini,
and I liked it.

It was like punch
but with that terrific snap.

Can't guess what this is.
I'm buying it.

Alfie, do not do
what you're doing.

- What am I doing?
- You're talking
yourself out of it.

Am I?

You are the best I've seen.

You are not a hack.
You're special.

I really believe that.

You can do this.
Let me help you.

I don't know. I just feel...

What? What do you feel?

Everything.

I got a good eye, Alfie.

You are client number two
of what's gonna be a roster

of groundbreaking
fucking clients,

so I am not giving up on you.

[sighs] Lost causes...
Is that your specialty?

I don't know.
Ask Sigmund fucking Freud.

I can, you know.
I talk to the dead.

Fine. Tell Siggie to watch you,
because goddamn it,

you are getting back up there,
because if you are gonna fail,

you're gonna fail
with an audience

and you are gonna fail
spectacularly.

- Is this a pep talk?
- Hell yes.

It's using
the word "fail" a lot.

But you get the gist.

Now, you are not
going on tonight.

Hmm? I'm gonna buy that thing
for you that you want,

and you're gonna go home
and play with it,

and once it breaks,
'cause all this shit in here

lasts like a minute,
you are gonna start practicing

for the new gig I am booking
for you tomorrow.

That man at the club
will be very upset.

He's not a man. He's Joel.

I'll deal with him.

Just don't drink. Okay?

Because you are
the lousiest, sloppiest

- fucking drunk I've ever met.
- [chuckles]

Now, where's
that thing you want?

It's in your pocket.

Motherfuck, you are good.

[sighs]

[sighs]

[bird cawing]

- [train horn blaring]
- [pigeons cooing]

I'm trying to get the fuck
away from her.

- I know.
- This is not getting
the fuck away from her.

It's money.
It's anonymous money.

She's an evil genius.

Patricia Highsmith modeled every
psycho in every book after her.

I need the cash.
I need a fridge.

She sent me luggage and a car.

It's local. No travel.

No? Too bad, 'cause I have
luggage and a car you could use.

- [Susie sighs]
- Susie?

These are housewives.

- You can't say "tits."
- I won't say "tits."

You think you can do this
without saying "tits"?

I think I can.

Fuck!

[lighter clatters on desk]

She had sex with Cubby O'Brien.

So? Wait, what?

The Mouseketeer?
I don't believe that.

You really want to work
for a woman

who defiled
America's sweetheart?

I don't think Cubby O'Brien
is America's sweetheart.

America loves goddamn
Cubby O'Brien, Miriam! Wake up!

Fuck!

[seagulls screeching
in distance]

Mrs. Weissman, follow me.

- Rose Weissman.
- Hmm.

We finally meet face-to-face.

You find the place okay?

I did. It's lovely.

I've never been
to Brighton Beach before.

- It feels like such a treat.
- Please sit.

I'm Benedetta.

Benedetta...?

- No last names.
- Oh, yes.

You know my last name, though.

- I'm Gitta.
- Molly.

- Miss Em.
- Well, nice to meet you all.

Is this the whole group?

You drink sherry,
don't you, Rose?

I do. I mean,
not during the day.

Oh. Thank you.

I just have to say
I think it's a wonderful idea

to have a Small Business
Women's Council.

Women coming together
to share a common purpose.

It's like the Girl Scouts

without the annoying
camping element.

Ooh, the herring is
so nice today.

So tell me, Benedetta,
what exactly is your business?

Me? Oh, I help people.

So noble.

I help them find each other.

I help them fall in love.

I help them get married.

You sound like a matchmaker.

Miss Em, what is your business?

Well, I am what I like to call
a matrimonial matron.

Otherwise known as a matchmaker.

[Benedetta] Gitta,
what about you?

Matchmaker. Pass the mustard.

- Molly?
- I am a nurse part-time,

and I teach clogging
on the weekends.

I'm kidding.

I'm a matchmaker.

What about you, Rose Weissman?

Well, I'm also a matchmaker.

And how long have you been
a matchmaker, Rose Weissman?

You know, "Rose" is fine.

Rose Weissman has not
answered my question.

And she also hasn't
passed the mustard.

Well, I'm relatively new
to the game. A few months.

You seem to be doing
very well for yourself

in such a short time.

- Beginner's luck.
- Uh-huh.

Have you ever seen a dog
try to eat the kibble

out of another dog's dish,
Rose Weissman?

- Thankfully, no.
- It's ugly.

- Very ugly.
- A dog has one dish.

He shouldn't have to share
his kibble with anyone.

Ladies, I think there's been
a misunderstanding.

So you're not working
as a matchmaker?

Well, yes, I am.

But I assure you
I'm not trying to eat

the kibble out of anyone's dish.

You bagged the Melamid girls.

- Melamid's my territory.
- I don't understand.

Manhattan is divided up
into territories.

It's the only way to keep
the peace after the wars.

The wars?

You don't want to know
about the wars.

Lost a lot of good ladies
in the wars.

However, once everyone got
their piece, the wars stopped.

Now we each have our territory.

Little Italy, Lower East Side.

Upper Manhattan, Harlem,
Washington Heights.

West End, Midtown,
Hell's Kitchen.

Jews are everywhere,
but I stick to the Jews,

and Melamid's a Jew.

Well, I'm sorry. I didn't know
about the territories.

- You got our letter,
didn't you?
- What letter?

The letter that you ignored.

The one that said "stop."

Oh, that letter.

Yes, I did get it.

I just didn't understand it.

You didn't understand "stop"?

- It's one word.
- What are you, an idiot?

No. I understand it now.

Good.

But, ladies, really,

New York is such a big city.

Surely, there's enough business
to go around.

I don't think
you've been listening to us.

You are not welcome.

You are intruding.

You are competition
that we do not need or want.

Now, we are ladies,
and as ladies,

we wanted to give you a chance.

If you had pulled this stunt
out in Staten Island,

all that would've
been left of you is that hat.

And I don't want to tell you

what they would've done
to the hat.

We can make this very, very ugly
for you if we choose to.

What are you saying?

For starters,
we know about your daughter

and that nudie show.

Mr. Melamid would not approve.

None of your other clients
would, either.

What my daughter does has
nothing to do with my business.

Business?

What do you know about business?

Matchmaking isn't a business.

It's a tradition
going back decades, centuries.

My family has been
pairing up Harlem

since Harlem had two A's in it.

You got to stop.

- Stop.
- Stop.

- Stop and pass the salt.
- Are we clear?

Good.

Now...

shall we eat?

Mm.

The cutlets here are so thin.

And crispy.

That is a lovely hat,
by the way.

[indistinct chatter]

[Marvin] It's a good
audience today.

Mostly tourists, a few locals,
couple of nuns. The usual.

[Midge] I'll try not
to insult the pope.

[Marvin] Crowd work's
always good.

They love it,
so feel free to interact.

And at some point,
we'll be throwing

game-branded pot holders out
to everybody.

- They love pot holders.
- As do I.

Just keep in mind
that the one thing

everyone out there has in common

is the thing we all have
in common: we love Sophie.

[coughs] Sorry.

- Yes. We love Sophie.
- [man] Ten seconds to warm-up!

Okay, looks like we're ready.
Go out there and have fun.

I'm gonna wander around
a little.

Break a leg.
Better yet, break Sophie's.

Go on. I'll see you later.

[sighs]

Good afternoon, everyone.

You ready to see Seconds Count!
With Sophie Lennon?

[cheering]

That's too bad,
because this is a cooking show.

- Who likes salmon casserole?
- [laughter]

No, no,
you're in the right place.

So, a couple of things
to keep in mind today.

No smoking, no snacking,
and when that red light goes on,

it means the Russians
are invading.

- [laughter]
- Or we're rolling.
One of the two.

Both are pretty exciting.

And when Sophie comes out,
I'm gonna need you

to yell like
your hair's on fire.

And if at any point
your hair really is on fire,

the exits are there and there.

[laughter]

Boy, good-looking crowd today.

You two look like
you're in love.

- Am I wrong?
- We're engaged.

[audience] Aw.

Exciting.

And do you want kids right away?

- Uh, uh, I think so.
- Yes.

Great. Well,
I've got two for you.

Their names are
Ethan and Esther.

I'll have them bathed
and delivered to you.

Just feed and water them
regularly.

- Nice doing business with you.
- [laughter]

Hi there. Susie Myerson,
talent manager.

Just dropping by
to say hello to Mike Carr.

Following up on a lunch
from a couple weeks ago.

- You on the list?
- Sure. Who do I see
about the list?

Me. Your name's Susie Myerson?

Actually, it's, uh...
Carol Jacobson.

- Yep. There I am.
- So you're Gordon's stepmother?

Yep. Love him like my own.

Keep walking.

It's always "keep walking"
with these people.

[audience laughing, applauding]

So I'm getting the sense that

a lot of you are
from out of town.

Let's see a show of hands.
Come on.

And how many of you are toting
New York City guidebooks?

Some of you have 'em.

Fess up. Uh-huh.

Let me see that.

You know, this is the only place
in the world where you can see

a Broadway musical,
a game show and a mugging

- all in one day.
- [laughter]

Let's see. Says here,

"For your own safety,
try not to look like a tourist."

Which is tough when
you're carrying a guidebook.

I guess they just want you to
look like a very stupid local.

- [laughter]
- What's with the laughs?

It's your girl. She's good.

Very good. Crowd loves her.

Oh, good.

It's going to work.

[laughter]

[Midge] ...walk around
with a hobo stick

and a half-drunk bottle
of Canadian Club,

and no one will come
within a mile of you.

- [laughter]
- [woman] She's so funny!

[woman 2] She's a riot.

[Midge] "Coney Island: a great
spot to visit for a day trip."

"New Yorkers walk quickly,
so consider picking up the pace

so you don't annoy the locals."

The other good way
not to annoy the locals?

- Leave town.
- [laughter, cheering]

Whoa. Was it that funny?

[Sophie] No, but I am.

[cheering]

Sophie, hello.

- Is the show starting?
- Oh, in a few minutes.

I just thought I'd come out here

and say hi
to these beautiful people.

[audience] Aw.

Oh, sounds like you're done
with the appetizer

and want to get
to the entrée, huh?

Good deal, Sophie, but you know,

rushing a meal
could give you gas.

[laughter]

Not unless the appetizer's rich,
so we're fine.

Let's take a poll, huh?
You want me to leave?

[all] No!

The people have spoken.

- [applause]
- Ah.

Now, let me be
your guide to New York.

Don't bother with lunch
at Tavern on the Green.

You want to get day-drunk
in Central Park,

grab a bottle and meet me
in the Ramble.

[laughter]

My advice? Skip the
horse-and-carriage ride.

If you're looking to get
bounced around while breathing

the smell of manure,
hail one of our cabs.

[laughter]

And you can skip
the carousel in Central Park.

If you want to go around
in circles

with a bunch of idiot children,
come to my writers' room, huh?

And there's no need to schlep to
the Museum of Natural History.

If you want to gawk
at a dinosaur,

you're already
in the right place.

- [laughter, gasping]
- [Sophie] Oh, so funny.

So, so funny.

[both laughing]

Mike.

Mike. Mike. Mike. Mike.

Mike. Mike.

- What?
- Susie Myerson.

From the Stage Deli.

- Sophie Lennon?
- Right. How you doing?

The Sophie Lennon thing
went good, you got to admit.

- Gordon was happy.
- So I'm one for one.

Listen, I got a client,
a killer comic.

She is wowing 'em
out there, man.

And Gordon's show is
the perfect place

to break her on national TV.

Thought I'd offer her to you
before I go to Jack Paar.

- Great. What's her gimmick?
- What?

Breakdown? Felony conviction?
Sex triangle?

- She's a comic.
- I don't get it.

- She's just
a really good comic.
- Okay.

Guess I can send one of my guys.
Where's she gig?

Oh, she's actually doing warm-up
for Sophie as we speak.

Never mind.

Uh, but her regular gig's
at a place Midtown.

She is selling out the room.
It's big stuff.

- Where, the Latin Quarter?
Roxie's?
- No.

- So it's a joint downtown?
- No.

- If you want me to see her,
where the fuck can I see her?
- Where?

Where?

I got no fucking place
for you to see her, Mike.

[audience laughing]

[Midge and Sophie laughing]

Wow, look at that hairstyle.

Wilt Chamberlain
couldn't see over that thing.

[laughter]

Your hair is so high,
you don't need a hair stylist,

you need an air traffic
controller, huh?

Her hair is so high,

her split ends have
altitude sickness.

Oh. Her hair is higher

than Midge's unpaid
dry cleaning bills.

Her hair is higher
than Sophie's blood pressure.

Her hair is higher
than the pedestal

Midge puts herself on.

Ha! Her hair is higher
than Sophie Lennon

on a Tuesday night.

Hell, Tuesday morning.
Hell, every morning.

Well, how's it going, sir?

- What's your name?
- Ma'am, what's your name?
- Morty.

- Stella.
- Morty, where are you from?
- And where are you from?

- Milwaukee.
- Westport, Connecticut.
- Morty from Milwaukee.

- That's got a nice ring. "Hey.
- Well, it's great
to have you here.

- I'm Morty from Milwaukee.
- If I need anything else
from you today,

- I'll just call out, "Stella!"
- You know my wife,
Patty from Poughkeepsie."

Will you turn my mic up, fellas?

Mine, too, fellas. Trying
to reach the back row here.

Stella, would you like
my autograph?

Be happy to give you one.

Or an incurable venereal disease

not seen since
the days of Columbus?

She'd be happy
to give you that, too.

Watch your tongue here, dear.

We're not in that sleazy
grind joint you work in.

Correct. We're on the set
of a game show.

Such a nice place
for an over-the-hill comedian

to live out her twilight years.

- And what a game show.
- [audience gasping]

Another poll. [laughs]

Who loves Seconds Count!?

[cheering]

Seconds count, like when
you're defusing a bomb.

Which makes sense, since half
of Sophie's jokes are bombs.

Or like when you're pulling
the cord on a parachute.

Did you have to do that
when Shy Baldwin

- kicked your ass off his plane?
- [audience gasping]

I get the laxative
commercials now, Sophie.

Perfect for someone
so full of shit.

All righty, folks!

Who wants a free pot holder?

[audience cheering]

[♪ War: "Why Can't
We Be Friends?"]

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh,
ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh,
ooh-ooh ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we
be friends? ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we
be friends? ♪

{an8}♪ I've seen you around
for a long, long time ♪

{an8}♪ Yeah ♪

{an8}♪ I remembered you
when you drank my wine ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we
be friends? ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we
be friends? ♪

{an8}♪ I've seen you walking
down in Chinatown ♪

{an8}♪ I called you,
but you could not look around ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we
be friends? ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we
be friends? ♪

{an8}♪ I paid my money
to the welfare line ♪

{an8}♪ I see you standing in it
every time ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we
be friends? ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we
be friends? ♪

{an8}♪ The color of your skin
don't matter to me ♪

{an8}♪ Ow! ♪

{an8}♪ As long as we can live
in harmony ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we
be friends? ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we
be friends? ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

{an8}♪ I'd kind of like
to be the president ♪

{an8}- ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
- ♪ Yeah! ♪

{an8}♪ So I can show you how
your money's spent, whoo! ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we
be friends? ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we
be friends? ♪

{an8}♪ Sometimes I don't
speak right ♪

{an8}♪ All right! ♪

{an8}♪ But yet I know
what I'm talking about ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we
be friends? ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we
be friends? ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we
be friends? ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

{an8}♪ Why can't we
be friends? ♪♪