The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017–…): Season 4, Episode 2 - Billy Jones and the Orgy Lamps - full transcript
Midge has Abe and Rose over for dinner. Shirley tries to find Joel a new wife. An unexpected cab ride leads to new opportunities.
[heavy gate rolling]
- There it is.
- Every last piece.
- The couch.
- Your dining room chairs.
- The TV.
- Your orgy lamps.
Orgy lamps?
These are not orgy lamps.
Well, what are those people
on them doing?
They're...
Well, she's a teacher,
and these are her nubile pupils,
and...
- This is dirty.
- [Imogene] Yeah.
Like, what is she teaching them?
French?
Well, they're pretty,
and I still like them.
What are you thinking, Antonio?
It's gonna take us a while to
unload everything, Mrs. Maisel.
Great. I've got a few errands
to run. Take over, Imogene?
Will do.
All right, guys, get to work!
- [♪ The Pajama Game Ensemble: "Racing with
the Clock"] - Sorry. I get bossy. Sorry.
- Be safe, guys.
- [clattering]
Careful with the orgy lamps.
Oil's tough, but I'll see
what I can do, Mrs. Marshall.
You're the best, Herman.
Have a good day.
[singsongy]
Herman.
- Mrs. Maisel.
- How's things? How's Marilyn?
Just celebrated
our 30-year anniversary.
Mazel tov.
I'm back in the neighborhood,
and there's mountains
of cleaning heading your way.
I'll turn 'em around for you
nice and quick.
- And my tab's still good?
- Uh, of course.
- What was it, 15 bucks?
- Something like that.
But I thought you'd give me
a higher limit on that tab.
- A higher limit?
- Like, say, 30 bucks?
See, I haven't washed a thing
since I left you.
There's so much business
coming your way,
a higher tab would be convenient
for you and me.
Know what I mean?
I think I can make that work.
You're a doll.
Gonna give one of these
to everyone I know.
- Marketing, Herman.
- Thanks, Mrs. Maisel.
♪ Hurry up ♪
- ♪ Hurry up ♪
- ♪ Can't waste time...
And 63 cents is your change.
Thank you. Come again.
- [singsongy] Eli.
- Mrs. Maisel.
You still have the best buns
in town?
I like to think.
You back in the neighborhood?
As of today. And ready
to restart that tab of mine.
Sure. What was it, uh, ten?
Back in the day. But
I'm thinking double that now.
- Double?
- Or triple. You should see how my kids eat.
Well, you should know,
what with six.
So a higher tab's a real
convenience. For you and for me.
- I guess.
- You know Herman the dry cleaner?
Practically begged me to raise
my tab. He was a little pushy.
- I'll see what I can do.
- You're a doll.
If I don't come home
with a couple of these,
those damn kids'll eat me.
Put 'em on my tab?
- You got it.
- Gonna give one of these
to everyone I know.
Marketing, Eli!
Thanks, Mrs. Maisel.
- ♪ Hurry up ♪
- ♪ Can't waste time...
[singsongy]
Johann.
New uniform, huh?
You should have heard
the dry cleaner and the baker
practically begging me
to raise my tab.
- Grown men, begging.
- That's something.
Not for nothing,
but a higher tab
benefits you more than me.
I'll have to check
with the office.
Tell them about Herman and Eli?
Here's their cards
if your boss wants to chat.
- Sure thing, Mrs. Maisel.
- You're a doll, Johann.
- [singsongy] Randy.
- Hey, Mrs. Maisel.
Who's got
the best melons around?
- I do.
- I'm insulted.
Listen,
I'm back in the neighborhood,
- and I want to talk about my tab.
- Your tab?
♪ Racing with the clock ♪♪
You ever see a milkman beg,
Walter?
No, I'm serious.
He was begging me
to raise my tab.
Kept talking about how
it benefits him more than me.
- Ha! - Not there. Somewhere else.
- But it's kitchen stuff.
- I'm organizing, Antonio. This is my process.
- Walter, I'm a woman. I don't
- have a mind for business. Ask the milkman.
- Leave me to my process.
Be nicer, Imogene.
We like Antonio.
Sorry.
It's my Nordic grandmother.
- I inherited her chilly rage.
- [Midge] Yes, but what with him
and the baker and the grocer
and the dry cleaner
all raising my tab like that,
it just makes sense
to let you in on the deal.
I mean,
I'd hate to switch pharmacies.
Twenty-five is great.
And I'm gonna tell everyone
you are the best drug dealer
in the neighborhood.
Uh, you know what I mean.
Marketing, Walter. Bye.
Oh, the bastard put up a fight.
- What are you doing?
- Solving my cash flow problem.
Last week, I dealt with Moishe.
Had to get him to agree to delay
the loan payment on this place.
Brought Esther.
- Uh-oh.
- [Midge] Held her in my lap,
barefoot, a little dirty,
holding her one-armed doll.
- You didn't.
- I talked about her needing new shoes.
I couldn't tear up, but then
Esther cried right on cue.
I may have given her a pinch.
- Shameless.
- But it worked.
And now if I can just hold off
paying the milk bill,
the laundry bill,
the grocery bill,
the butcher bill,
the bakery bill
and the pharmacy bill
for just a few months,
I can possibly catch up.
Hello, old friend.
Your place of honor awaits.
[Imogene] [gasps] Oh,
this shelf is complete.
Oh, come with me.
I need an opinion.
What do you think?
Is this cubist or...?
No, seriously.
What do you think?
Seriously, it's insane.
At first glance, yes.
But hear me out. Ouch.
- Midge.
- Okay.
[exhales]
Old place, new life. Right?
- Sure.
- New vistas. Interior vistas.
- Okay.
- Now, clearly, the living room couch
has to go where it goes.
Can't make a change there.
- It was built for that room.
- Yep.
And the TV has to go
across from the couch.
- Et cetera, et cetera.
- I agree.
The kitchen's the kitchen.
Can't do anything
with the foyer.
Where can I create
something new in my apartment?
Something splashy.
Something that's just me.
Bedroom.
Ow!
- Maybe you shouldn't...
- [Midge groans]
- Give me a second.
- ...move.
Who says it has to be arranged
exactly the way Joel and I had
it even though it made sense.
Joel and I made sense,
and we all know
how that ended up.
I want to walk into this bedroom
and feel
like this is my bedroom.
I don't want to feel
like this is where Joel and I
kind of often... you know.
- I know.
- Plus, he dumped me here.
He stood right there.
I stood here.
Now it's all different,
because where he stood
when he dumped me is now
where the dresser is,
and where I stood
when he dumped me
is where part of the bed is,
which is a great comfort to me.
So...
what do you think?
I think you should put it back
the way it was
because this
is clinically insane.
Imogene, I was hurt here.
I know, twice. Shin, toe.
- By Joel.
- I know.
But put it all back
exactly the way it was.
Nice and pretty.
And the new thing?
Now when you're here,
you're alone.
And you get both closets.
No. I'm gonna live with this
for a while
and see how it feels.
Shit-fuck.
How'd that feel?
[exhales]
I've got to go call the butcher.
Okay. Oh!
- [phone rings] - [Gabe] Don't
get your knickers in a twist, Jerry.
- [man] Village Voice. Hello.
- [Jerry] My sources are good.
- Sanitation's going out.
- [Gabe] Garbagemen
- are not going on strike.
- [Jerry] Says who?
[Gabe] Me. I just said it.
Sudden astigmatism, Jerry?
- [Jerry] I stand corrected. I'm a piece of shit.
- [Kev] When are they gonna
- empty the garbage here?
- [Jerry] And that relates how?
- [Kev] It's still about sanitation.
- [Terrence] Kev is right.
Bernie threw half an avocado out
last week,
and it's still sitting there.
Abe Weissman! There you are.
I'm sorry, am I late?
I-I was told
- the meeting started at 10:00.
- [Gabe] You are not late.
Three of us
slept here last night,
two of us
not because their wives
- kicked them out.
- She didn't kick me out.
She just wouldn't let me in.
And when we woke up, the meeting
informally commenced.
Everyone, this is
the notorious Abe Weissman,
- the Terror of Broadway. And now our Terror.
- Good morning.
- Hi, Abe. - How you doing, Abe?
- Good to see you.
You know your arts editor,
Terrence.
Bernie's news.
Jerry's city desk.
Leonard's opinion,
and he occasionally has one.
- Our photographer, Kal-El, from the planet Krypton.
- I made the mistake
of showing them my collection
of Superman comics.
It's Gilbert.
[Gabe] Jules is our doodler,
and Kev... What are you again?
- Fuck you.
- Our resident poet.
And that is the masthead
in the flesh.
Sit, sit.
Is this smoke
bothering you, Abe?
[chuckles]
Oh. Oh, no.
- No, I smoke a pipe, myself.
- [Gilbert] [chuckles] Yeah,
what you're smoking
isn't exactly what I'm smoking.
- [Abe chuckles softly] -
[Jerry] Dig the duds, Weissman.
- Boss Tweed.
- Stop it, Jer. Dress any way you like. Hell,
- Mailer once showed up in his underwear.
- [Kev] I'm sorry,
why'd he stab his wife again?
She seemed nice.
Plimpton says
it's because she told Norman
he's not as good as Dostoyevsky.
[Bernie] I had
a long conversation
with his wife
at a book party once.
- She may have had it coming.
- Some of us have places to go.
All right, let's resume.
Check your sources at the union.
If it's real, we will run it.
- Will do.
- [Terrence] Abe, I hate
to do this,
but I've got three things
- for you to review next week.
- Three?
- I-I know it's a lot.
- No.
Actually, the Voice has averaged
three and a quarter
theater reviews since issue one,
so it's par for the course.
And how did you come
to that figure?
I read the back issues.
At the library on 42nd.
Took me a couple of weeks.
Seriously?
You read every back issue?
All but November 13 of '57.
Someone must have stolen
that one.
I would love to plug that hole
one day.
[chuckles softly]
I feel like I just showed you
my Superman comics.
No, no, no, no, we applaud
your thoroughness, Mr. Weissman.
[Jerry] While questioning
your mental fitness.
- [all chuckle]
- Carol,
dig out November 13, 1957 issue
for Abe.
Let's plug that hole now.
I heard from the ad department.
They wanted you
to know that last week's
front page made their lives
- a living hell.
- [Gabe] Mission accomplished. What else?
[Kev] Can we talk about how much
I hate the ad department?
[♪ Blossom Dearie: "Always True
to You in My Fashion"]
[door closes]
- [Abe] Miriam? We're here.
- [Rose] We didn't knock.
[Abe] There was debate,
but that's where we landed.
Hello, you two.
Remarkable.
Like we traveled back in time.
Such a strange feeling.
Like something
out of that show of yours, Abe,
- The Twilight Zone.
- Oh, yeah.
This last one of theirs
was a real beaut.
- How about a tour?
- Please.
There was this advertising exec.
Overworked, harried.
Clearly a stand-in
for Rod Serling.
Gorgeous. And that view.
- I got my river back.
- [Rose sighs]
He had this boss
always yelling at him.
"Push, push, push, Williams."
- Dining room.
- "Push, push, push!"
Then he falls asleep
on the train ride home.
All your dishes. And a piano.
And he wakes up
in an idyllic town
- called Willoughby.
- Shall we continue?
- [Rose] Mm-hmm.
- And in a different century.
There's horse-drawn buggies
and a brass band,
and I'm talking to myself.
Oh, I've always loved
those chairs.
- Me, too.
- So perfect for the room.
- Mm.
- [Midge] This way, please.
- On to the master.
- Have we done the kitchen?
- Girls!
- Huh.
- I needed something different.
- [Abe] Are you back there?
It's still...
technically a bedroom.
- [Abe] Answer me, please!
- Let me show you the guest room.
- Made a change there, too.
- Oh, fun.
[Abe] Hey, wait.
Have we done the bedroom?
You're going too fast.
What do you think?
These are our things.
- I know.
- What are they doing here?
These are our things.
- I know.
- What are they doing here?
This is why I invited you over.
- To make you an offer.
- What offer?
I thought it might be wonderful
for you two
to move in here with me.
And the kids.
And, of course, Zelda.
The whole Weissman clan
together again
in the original building,
just a couple of floors down
from where you were.
What do you think?
- Absolutely not. What?
- Yes. What?
- Put some thought into this, Rose.
- Think about it, Abe.
- Oh, fine, but you, too.
- What's there to think about?
Papa, do not have one of your
knee-jerk reactions to this.
This is not
a knee-jerk reaction.
I heard your offer, and I
instantly knew it was stupid.
Papa, please.
This would put you back
in your beloved neighborhood
with your news stand,
your Zabar's,
your synagogue,
the little place that you get
that afternoon jelly doughnut at
that you don't tell Mama about.
- Jelly doughnuts?
- All of that
is perfectly accessible
on the subway.
Tell me you're happy
living in Queens.
Go on, tell me.
Well, look whose hobby
is being snobby.
- I like this idea.
- You like...?
She has us in the guest room.
- So?
- [Abe] So,
when you have guests,
they'll sleep on top of us?
If they're feeling frisky.
And I suppose we get the
vomit bathroom.
- Which one is that?
- [Abe] The one I watched
Ethan throw up in two years ago
voluminously.
It's been cleaned.
But take the one by my bedroom.
It's identical.
- The overloaded Esther diaper poopy bathroom.
- Good grief.
We'll share. The-the bathrooms
will be communal
so we can all be revolted
together.
[chuckles]
Oh, you're a sneaky one.
- You're a sneaky one!
- Papa. - Abe.
You thought you could
just bring us over here
and play some music
and get us drunk,
woo us with flowers
and a nice dinner
and a cheap piano?
That's probably not even
in tune.
- [plays piano] - Actually,
it's perfectly in tune
and has a nice, warm tone,
but the rest of my point
is valid.
I just want to take care
of you two. Pay you back
for the whole "having me
and raising me" thing.
You never should have bought
this place back, Miriam.
I mean, what man
is going to want a woman
- who owns her own apartment?
- He does have a point there.
- It does make you less feminine.
- Sorry.
Let me just hike up my shorts
and get in a good man scratch.
- Now, what was that again?
- If we're going to eat,
then let's eat. "Man scratch."
- Hi, Grandpa.
- Your mother thinks we're schnorrers.
- Hi, Grandma.
- Your grandfather's being stubborn.
- Hi, Mommy.
- Go back to bed, Ethan.
Papa,
living with Moishe and Shirley
has been a nightmare for you.
They're nudists, for God's sake.
- You get used to it.
- Think about it.
This apartment,
this neighborhood.
It's like your Willoughby,
right? From that program.
Inviting, peaceful,
- idyllic, home.
- [Abe] Willoughby
was the name of the funeral home
the "push, push, push" guy
ended up in.
He was dead at the end,
- Miriam. He jumped off the train.
- [Midge sighs]
You would know that
if you listened!
You know, this Twilight Zone
sounds stupid.
Excuse me?
- Miriam.
- [Midge] Either everyone's dead
and they don't know it,
or they think
they're dead
but they're actually alive,
or they're from outer space
and they don't know it,
or they think they're dead
but they're from outer space
- and they don't know it.
- [Abe] Wrong.
Some people live
in alternate realities.
Okay, stop. Just stop!
Both of you.
Now, Abe, you listen to me.
We can't live
with Moishe and Shirley anymore.
We're losing
what sanity we have left.
- Hmm.
- [Rose] And no matter what you say,
you want to
be back in this building.
- I know you do, and I do, too.
- [Abe sighs]
- Thank you.
- But we can't have
the neighbors think we're
charity cases,
Miriam. We need to agree
on a cover story.
- A cover story?
- We can't tell people
- our daughter's supporting us.
- It would be humiliating.
And it wasn't humiliating to
move in with Moishe and Shirley?
No, because
we had a cover story.
- Love to hear it.
- We told people we were
moving out of our old apartment
due to Abe leaving Columbia
and that the fabulous apartment
we rented to replace it
fell through,
and we were in litigation
with the seedy landlord
to get our deposit check back.
Mr. Crink.
- Who?
- The seedy landlord. You don't listen.
You gave
the fake seedy landlord a name?
[Rose] And we didn't want
to lease another place
until the lawsuit was settled,
so we temporarily moved in
with Moishe and Shirley.
We have a court case next week.
- For what?
- [Abe] Are you not listening?
To get the deposit back
from Mr. Crink.
- Mr. Crink is not real.
- [Rose] Now,
the logical cover story
for moving in here
is that Abe and I
bought the place back for you.
- What?
- That works for me.
So I did all of this for you,
and you want
to tell the whole world
that you did it for me?
That's not right.
- I didn't realize this was a contest.
- It's not.
I thought this was just an
altruistic thing you were doing
- for us. Then we're agreed.
- It is. On what?
That you're moving in here
with us. Right, Abe?
- It's done.
- Good.
I'm getting a drink.
Thanks for blowing
the doughnut thing, by the way.
She's in a severely
fragile state,
so speak softly
and no sudden movements.
- Right.
- Common rules.
No passing of contraband,
meaning drugs of any kind,
- weapons, or anything that can be weaponized.
- [Susie] Okay.
- Hold it, Lucille!
- That includes pens, pencils,
tools large or small,
shoelaces, twine,
nail files, bottle openers,
et cetera.
- Got it.
- Address only the patient you are here to see.
Do not open windows.
Do not close doors.
- Are you following?
- Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm following.
Over the weeks, we've curated
a list of specific things
that set her off
and are not to be mentioned.
Most seem to be the names
of past paramours.
They include the following:
"Vincent Price,
Edgar G. Robinson,
Jan from Jan and Dean,
Dean from Jan and Dean,
Howlin' Wolf, Salvador Dalí,
Cubby O'Brien..."
- From The Mickey Mouse Club?
- "Fess Parker,
Igor Stravinsky,
Adlai Stevenson..."
I'll leave the list.
It's not short.
Finally, don't mention
the city of Cleveland
or use the word "moist."
That last one I get.
Straight ahead.
[Susie clears throat]
Sophie?
[gasps]
Mercy. Susie, you're here.
And of your own volition.
Oh, that makes it special.
You called me a dozen times.
I did?
Oh, everything's so cloudy.
And the clouds.
They're all shaped like fruit.
There's a banana.
There's a kumquat.
Sit, sit.
- [Susie clears throat]
- Mm.
So... How did you end up here?
Oh, Susie,
I've been through such hell.
After Miss Julie,
I just spiraled downward.
Darkness enveloped me
like an old mink coat.
I needed help.
So I met with my lawyer,
my press agent,
my business manager
and my investment broker,
and we all decided
that I should have
a nervous breakdown.
Did you?
[laughing loudly]
[man laughs]
[woman chuckles]
[gasps] Oh, here's
my dear Helen. Hello, Helen.
- Hello, Sophie.
- [Sophie] Just meeting
with my manager. [chuckles]
How's Leslie?
Still on the ventilator.
Somebody opened her window.
Well, that's against the rules.
- They're looking into it.
- [Sophie] Mm.
Ta, now.
See you at shuffleboard.
[chuckles]
- [woman screams]
- Holy fuck!
You get used to it.
Look at us.
Mm. A couple of birdies
in the cuckoo's nest.
So, Sophie, I'm visiting, yes,
- but there's another reason I'm here.
- Dawes?
- Yes, ma'am.
- I believe it's time for my pills.
Your timing is impeccable,
ma'am, as always.
It is.
[Susie] Look, Sophie,
you seem like you're doing well,
and I'm happy about that.
Would you like
one of the yellow ones?
I don't like the yellow ones.
We have a piece of business
we need to do.
Uh, it's something
for you to sign.
Mm, you want my autograph?
Kind of. It's...
[clears throat]
Just a document that says
we're no longer in any kind
of business together.
A lawyer looked it over
and everything.
Um, it's kind of a formality
since, you know,
we're never gonna have
anything to do with each other
ever again.
But you're my manager.
[woman screams]
I'm not your manager.
You got me on Broadway.
My manager did that.
- I'm not your manager.
- [Sophie] So many adventures
before us.
Me and my manager.
I am not your manager.
- You are.
- I'm not.
Read this.
Well?
It's a dissolution
of your partnership,
- ma'am.
- Is this really what you want?
Yes.
Fine.
[woman whistles, shouts]
Support us and become VIP member
to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org
[woman screams]
It's time for my soapy bath.
[man] Lucille!
Hold it, Lucille!
[typewriter clacking]
[carriage returns, bell dings]
[clacking continues]
- [thud]
- [Midge] Ow!
Miriam. Knock, please.
It's a bathroom.
My bathroom.
You said
the bathrooms were communal.
Is that no longer the case?
Yes, but why are you working
in my... the...
- our bathroom?
- Miriam,
I have no study,
and I need a writing space.
And it needs to be cozy because
I'm creative when I'm cozy.
But your... our other bathroom
is the same size.
But too close to the room where
your mother is trying to sleep.
This would wake her up,
and that would be rude.
Yes, you wouldn't
want to be rude.
You have no red pens.
Anything else?
Door!
[typewriter clacking]
[dishes clattering]
[sighs]
[TV playing indistinctly]
Mama. You're up.
And reorganizing my kitchen.
Everything was jammed
onto freakishly low shelves
because your
vertically challenged friend
- organized it that way.
- I thought the layout worked.
For Tom Thumb, yes,
or the Lollipop Guild,
- but not for normal-sized people.
- Got it.
- Isobel?
- Imogene.
Papa! Mama's up!
[TV announcer] ...all kinds
of new toys to play with.
Monkey Sticks!
Ask for 'em by name.
Monkey Sticks!
Only 98 cents.
Monkey Sticks...
What do you want
for breakfast, Ethan?
Cereal.
You're consistent.
I like that about you.
[Deborah] Welcome back,
everyone.
[Harris] If you're here
in New York, you can get...
- [door creaks] - ...along with
a legion of champion divers,
gorgeous mermaids
and aqua-maniacs...
Mama?
- Did you bring the milk in?
- [Rose] I did not!
- [Deborah] Lots of fun for the whole family.
- Shit.
[Harris] You know a great way
to beat the heat and the traffic
this holiday weekend,
no matter where you live?
- [elevator bell chimes]
- [elevator door opens]
- [Julie] Miriam.
- [Midge] Oh!
Jesus Christ!
Sneaking up on me, huh?
We just went for a walk.
Ah.
[elevator door closes]
This.
I was afraid it would spoil
if it was out here much longer,
so I was just gonna pop it
in my fridge till you got back.
I was gonna do that
for everybody on the floor.
I'm like the Milk Fairy.
But you're back.
So no need to do that.
Here you go.
- Enjoy your milk.
- Nice to see you. [chuckles]
Oh, and so nice your parents
bought your place back for you.
[door closes]
[line rings]
[Gus] Anson Farms. Gus speaking.
Hi, Gus. This is Miriam Maisel
at 385 Riverside.
Something happened with
our milk delivery this morning.
Yes. Maisel, 385 Riverside.
I was gonna call you
about your account.
- What about it?
- Says here you have no credit history with us.
But that's not right. We had an
account with you for five years.
But it's your husband
who had the account. Uh,
Joel Maisel. That's
who we had the account with.
Right. And I'm Mrs. Joel Maisel.
His wife at the time.
Well, he paid the tab,
so it was his credit.
It was our credit.
And you're basically starting
from scratch,
so we need some cash up front.
- Sorry.
- I can't pour "sorry" on cereal.
Gus, just deliver me
some goddam milk.
- Miriam.
- Ma'am, it's company policy.
There's nothing I can do
about it.
Well, that's very nice. Gus.
Do you want to know something,
Gus?
Your milk
is really not that delicious.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
- Kind of tastes like cow piss.
- Miriam.
- And your butter has a chemical stink.
- Ma'am.
- You just have some inferior cows, Gus.
- Ma'am, I...
- Just one ex-customer's opinion, Gus.
Ma'am, there's no...
[TV announcer] But think of the
picture you'll get in your home.
Even on a difficult reception...
It's toast or a banana, kid.
Pick.
[Ethan] No!
I don't want toast!
[TV announcer] ...picture tubes.
As low as $139.95.
See them
at your RCA Victor dealer's.
[Harris] Welcome back, everyone.
- Some big news just crossed the wires.
- [Esther] One.
It's a fucking man's world,
sweetie.
- [Esther] Okay.
- International singing sensation
and proud son of Harlem
Shy Baldwin
is getting married.
[Deborah] So many
brokenhearted ladies out there.
[Harris] Shy surprised
his longtime girlfriend,
Monica Johnson, by inviting her
onstage in Paris,
getting down on one knee,
and popping the question
in front of 3,000 rabid fans.
[Deborah] Très romantique.
[Harris] The nuptials
are said to be happening
here in New York City
when Shy gets a break
from his European tour dates.
We'll let you know
when we get more details.
[Deborah] In the meantime,
congratulations
to the happy couple.
[Harris] Guess it's a good thing
she said yes with 3,000
- fans and witnesses.
- [footsteps approaching]
[Deborah] As if anyone would
turn down Shy Baldwin.
[loud bang]
[panting]
[typewriter clacking]
[crying]
[phone ringing]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Hello?
- [Tess] Hey, sis.
- Good news.
- Good news?
- What, the check?
- They're cutting it today.
That's business talk.
When they write checks,
they don't say
they're writing them.
They say they're cutting them.
You're a fucking miracle worker.
Thank you.
And, hey, I have a new job.
Wow. Where?
Here. At the insurance office.
Hi, Marcie.
- [Marcie] Hi.
- What insurance office?
Our insurance office, dope.
Tess, how is it you're working
at our insurance office?
- Mr. B hired me.
- To do what?
To be a secretary person.
- Impossible.
- Look, I did what you said.
I slept with Mr. B,
and he was like,
"Okay, the check's yours.
You'll have it Friday.
Let's do it again."
Okay, for the record,
I did not tell you
to sleep with him.
I thought you did.
I said "flirt."
I didn't say "sleep."
Anyway,
now we're seeing each other,
so he was like,
"You want a job?"
And I said, "Yeah, as long as
I don't have to work that hard."
And he said, "No problem."
I just need to do stuff to him
in the bathroom
during lunch sometimes,
but I'm good with that.
I'm sorry,
let me get this straight.
You are working at the insurance
office that we defrauded
and occasionally doing stuff
to the insurance agent
who's now technically
in on the fraud?
That's what happens sometimes
when you sleep with guys.
I did not tell you
to sleep with the guy!
Don't yell. Come on,
you started the whole thing
when you stole
your client's money.
I didn't steal it.
I borrowed it.
But if you borrow it
without telling someone,
isn't that stealing?
Are you at the office now
where people can hear you?
Yeah. What's shaking, Kyle?
Then shut the fuck up!
What a hothead.
I got to go.
Say hello to your husband.
Oh, sure.
He's thrilled I got a job.
Just get me that check pronto.
[phone rings]
Hello?
[Midge] It's me.
Miriam? You sound weird.
They wouldn't increase
my milk tab.
- Your what?
- My milk tab.
They'd increase it for Joel
but not for me
because the original credit
wasn't under my name.
So now to get milk,
I have to pay money,
and I don't know why I'm
taking it so badly, but I am.
I'm sorry, they let you get milk
without paying for it?
How the fuck
did I not know about this?
I don't know. Susie, yesterday,
I was feeling
on top of the world,
and right now I'm feeling
like nothing is gonna work out.
I was fucking insane
to take this apartment,
and my mother's
turning my kitchen upside down,
and my father's in the bathroom,
topless, using my lipstick.
- Wait, what?
- Why did I buy this apartment?
Correction. I didn't buy it.
My parents bought it,
which makes me the schnorrer,
and I don't even get credit.
Any kind of credit.
And I pinched my daughter.
I should be up on charges.
You want me to come over?
Oh, and you know L. Roy Dunham
slammed me in his column again?
- Yeah, I saw it.
- He was raving
about some comic at the Copa
and said the guy's act
was unlike
the unfunny meanderings
of no one's favorite
Mrs. Maisel.
He writes about me
even when he's not writing
about me.
Actually, he said,
"The deeply unfunny meanderings
of no one's favorite
Mrs. Maisel."
- You memorized it?
- No, I have the paper.
Look, the guy's a dickhead.
Just forget about him.
Wait till he hears
I can't afford milk for my kids.
They'll be short and arthritic,
and Imogene will come
and arrange their kitchens
for them and the Lollipop Guild,
and Ethan's gonna get made fun
of every day of his life
because I couldn't get him milk
for his cereal.
That's what's happening.
That is my life.
- [grunts, panting]
- Why are you grunting?
I put my bed
in a different place,
but, of course,
it doesn't work there.
It's got to go
back where it was when Joel,
who's got
this phenomenal credit history
with the milk company,
lived here,
which wasn't the point.
And I-I really burned a bridge
with Gus.
"Cow piss."
I'm a monster.
You know what's gonna happen,
don't you?
- What?
- I'm either gonna wind up
married to Joel again,
although I don't know
how his girlfriend's gonna feel
about that,
or I better start
trolling hospitals
for a nice doctor right now,
because this is not good.
I got some milk here. I can
bring it. It's only a week old.
No, thank you.
Because I should
get off the phone
and go force-feed my son
some dry toast.
- [line disconnects]
- Miriam.
Thanks, Sal.
Thought your wife didn't want
you eating those things.
Called them
heart attacks on a stick.
- I'm between wives.
- That's too bad.
What's that make it now?
Four? Five?
- Let's see, the first one was Susan.
- Sandra.
Thought the last one was Sandra.
I married two Sandras.
You're making it difficult.
The first Sandra
was a dope fiend.
Then Dotty.
She left you for Hal Roach.
Then you went international
with the flamenco dancer,
Conchita what's-her-name.
She also left you for Hal Roach.
Then the second Sandra
with the bouncing bazoombas.
Now, was there one
between Dotty and Conchita?
Look, Susie,
if-if you want to walk with me,
walk with me, all right?
Don't fucking stalk me.
Okay.
So, talk to me.
Why are you here?
It's Sophie.
Oh. Color me shocked.
[sighs] Man, she's snapped
or something, Harry.
Worse than ever.
We're talking
full-on Frances Farmer.
She at that nut farm of hers?
Yeah,
I went to see her up there.
Tried to get her to sign
a release form.
Something legal.
She won't do it.
Oh. Just-just run out the clock.
She's flamed out.
It's over for her.
Boy. Cold.
Hey, it's a cold biz, baby.
[sighs] I should've listened
to you, Harry. You were right.
I'm always right.
Don't you know that by now?
In your own fucked-up way,
you tried to warn me off
getting into business with her.
Yeah. Well,
you got to go through
what you got to go through.
Oh, here's my bench.
You like my bench?
- How is this your bench?
- Read the plaque.
"Harry Drake, how sweet it is."
A gift from Gleason.
And look at this view.
It's beautiful, isn't it?
I can see two
of the three penthouses
I lost to wives from here.
What?
You got her on Broadway.
But it was a disaster.
The Hindenburg times six.
But if Sophie
was a little less crazy
and if you had just gotten her
past opening night,
- you'd be a fucking legend.
- Wasn't meant to be.
And then I'd be stalking you
in the park.
[chuckles]
I got ten Broadway investors
- threatening to sue me.
- Oh, piss in a pot.
What week am I not being sued?
Look, this is the most
goddamn litigious business
in the most
goddamn litigious city
in the most goddamn
litigious country in the world.
It's America.
- So, how's your girl doing?
- Well, that's my other problem.
I don't know
what the hell to do with her.
Oh, yeah, the Shy Baldwin thing.
That's rough, kid.
That-That's rough.
Well, now she's got this idea
of how she wants to go forward,
this whole master plan
I can't make heads or tails of.
- We're stuck.
- Well,
- then dump her.
- What?
Dump her. Move on.
Find someone new.
Not gonna dump her, Harry.
Still believe in her.
More than ever.
She's got something. I know it.
She's just
so fucking headstrong.
But if you're not gonna
dump her,
then get her ass
back out on stage now.
But she's being so picky.
She likes basket houses.
Oh, no booze, no money.
- You don't have to tell me.
- Don't listen to her, Susie.
Look, comedians are crazy.
Every last fucking one of them.
They make idiotic decisions.
They miss the forest
for the trees.
So, she's pouted.
She's vented. You listened.
Now go get her
back out on stage.
Yeah. You're right.
- And start diversifying.
- Huh?
Get yourself some more clients.
Listen, I-I got to go.
You know, I leave the office
for five minutes,
a dozen fires break out.
Hey, thanks, Harry.
Really. Thanks.
And those Broadway guys?
I'm gonna make some calls.
The suing will stop.
- Really?
- People are talking about you, Susie.
- [chuckles] Nothing good.
- Hey,
it doesn't matter
what they're saying
as long as they're saying it.
The San Remo. Twelve rooms,
seven bathrooms,
maids' quarters.
That's the one that hurt.
- I'll see you.
- See you.
[knocking on door]
Coming!
- Let's go.
- What?
Right now. Let's go.
We're going out.
- Out where?
- Don't think.
Don't talk. Just walk.
Uh... Okay, fine.
I'll be right back.
Wrong way. Where you going?
- To grab a hat.
- No, don't,
- 'cause it won't be just a hat.
- Yes, it will.
Do not change your wardrobe.
It's fine!
- [Midge] Just a hat!
- It's never just a hat!
[♪ The Rat Pack:
"We Open in Venice"]
♪ We open in Venice ♪
♪ We next play Verona ♪
♪ Then on to Cremona ♪
♪ Lots of laughs in Cremona,
eh, boy ♪
♪ Our next jump in Parma ♪
♪ That dopey, mopey menace...
- Come on.
- I didn't know
this is
where you were taking me.
Where'd you think,
Howard Johnson's
- for some fucking clams?
- I could go for some clams.
- Get out.
- I like clams.
- I will force you out.
- You're being so bossy.
Get out and get in there.
♪ Lots of bars in Cremona,
our next jump...
- Under protest.
- Noted.
♪ That tearless,
fearless menace...
Thank God
you changed your outfit.
- Really.
- [audience laughing]
Yeah, think about guys' names
on the Yankees, huh?
Wouldn't it be something
if Whitey Ford drove a Chevy?
Or if Mickey Mantle
had nowhere to put awards?
Do you think Jim Coates
gets cold in the wintertime?
Bobby, hey!
- Yeah?
- [Susie] I brought my girl.
- You make a cute couple.
- For a set.
- Sorry, slots are gone.
- [Susie] So?
- [Bobby] So?
- Bump someone.
- [Bobby] Why?
- Are you serious?
I had a girl comic here
last week.
- Not this girl comic.
- Let's just go.
Bobby, you know she kills.
Even with an ass
full of Shy Baldwin shrapnel?
- Fuck you.
- Oh, okay, now I'll give her a slot.
- Really?
- [Bobby] No.
But tell you what,
I'll be a sport.
You can still come in
if you want.
I'll even waive the cover.
Just drink.
[David] ...this new pitcher
the Yankees just got...
- Okay, that pisses me off.
- Pisses me off.
- You want a drink?
- I need a drink.
- Me, too.
- [David] ...but one hell of an arm.
[audience laughs]
Hey, any of you hear about
this big new book by Harper Lee?
- [scattered cheers] - Beer.
- Martini. Olives.
Guess what
her favorite drink is.
Tequila Mockingbird.
- [audience laughs] - Turns
out we did go out for clams.
[David] Okay, enough of me.
Time to introduce
this very funny man
all the way from Crown Heights.
He even showered
before coming over. Here he is,
the big guy, Noah Birnbaum.
- [cheering and applause] - Noah Birnbaum?
- [David] Come on out, Baum.
- Noah Birnbaum.
- I'm sorry, Bobby wouldn't bump Noah Birnbaum for me?
Have I fallen that far?
No, Bobby's just being a fucking
little bunghole sissy-prick.
You are what you eat.
- Such a hack.
- Such a hack.
- Hello, everybody. How you doing?
- [scattered replies]
How does he choose
which generic salutation
to pull out of his sack of hack?
- Hack.
- Hack.
- Everyone got your drinks, yeah?
- [man] Yeah!
You know, a gentile's
favorite wine is cabernet.
- Am I right?
- Oh, I know where this is going.
A Jew's favorite whine is,
- "It's too cold in here."
- "It's too cold in here." Hack.
- [audience laughs] - Hack.
- Hack.
[Noah] I was walking by a church
with my friend Sid.
There was a sign that said, "50
bucks if you become a Catholic."
Sid's like, "I need some cash.
I'm going in."
Fifteen minutes later,
he comes back out,
and I say to him, "Sid,
Sid, did you get the 50 bucks?"
He looks at me,
shakes his head and says...
[Noah and Midge] "You Jews. All
you ever think about is money."
- [audience laughs]
- Ha ha ha, I'm Jewish.
- Shh!
- [chuckles] That was loud.
- Like I care a fuck. Another.
- [Noah] Okay.
Moving on.
Kid comes home from school,
tells his mom he got a part
in the school play.
- She says, "What role did you get?"
- Behind my back.
The kid says, "Jewish husband."
The mother says...
[Noah and Midge] "You go back
and tell the teacher
you want a speaking role."
- [audience laughs]
- Nice.
- [man] You think this is funny?
- Huh.
Sounds like we got
a mockingbird in the audience.
- What the fuck are you doing?
- Oh, we're having a little fun, Bobby-Boy.
- Well, don't.
- [Noah] Wasn't a fair fight.
Stewie, one more word,
and you throw them out.
- [audience laughs]
- Killjoy.
[Noah] I feel bad
for Moses having to lead
a bunch of Jews through
the desert. What a headache.
[Noah and Midge] No wonder
God gave him two tablets.
[audience laughs]
Ma? Pop? It's me!
Joely! Oh, look at you
and your lazy man's load.
Pop wanted five years
of returns.
And your system
of two separate books
makes it bulkier than I thought.
Put those down. Put those down.
You'll stay
and have something to eat.
- Nah, I should bolt.
- That's not a question.
That's an order.
You're too skinny.
Uh, okay.
Maybe a little something.
Smells good.
Oh, yes.
I made all of your favorites.
Oh, I totally forgot.
Joely, this is Lena Brofmann
from up the street.
She's a teacher at P.S. 144.
- Say hi.
- Hi, Lena.
- Hi, Joel.
- Sweetie, what do you teach again?
Music. Harmony and composition.
And I'm a classical flautist.
- I was going to say.
- Hey, Ma...
Joel owns a music club,
so the two of you
have a lot in common.
Isn't that wonderful?
Come on, both of you.
Sit, sit.
Lena.
- [Lena grunts softly]
- A little more?
Yeah, a little more.
- Joely, sit down.
- [Lena exhales]
The two of you talk,
get to know each other.
Dinner's almost out of the oven.
- [classical music playing] - Ow.
- You okay?
Just someone saying,
"Hi, let me out."
[both chuckle]
Would you excuse me
for a second?
Sure.
- Ma.
- Pretty, right?
You're out of your mind.
I'm not staying.
- Oh, you're staying.
- Why isn't there a back door in this place?
Two minutes ago, you could stay.
What changed?
- Lena Brofmann.
- What?
She's a pretty girl,
a talented musician.
- I wonder if she brought her flout.
- She's pregnant.
- Just a little.
- That kid
- is almost walking.
- Mm, needs salt.
I am not gonna date
a pregnant woman.
Oh, God, no,
there is no time to date.
I'll tell her I'm sick.
- And that you're nuts.
- Joel,
you're a divorced man
with two young children.
You own a nightclub
in Chinatown,
which is impossible to explain.
You can hardly afford
to be choosy.
- Ma...
- You need companionship.
Someone to be with.
A good woman makes a good man.
Where do you think
your father would be without me?
Watch it. Now,
you give me one good reason
why you cannot go out there
and have a nice meal
with that girl.
[sighs]
So...
- How do you like teaching?
- I love it.
Because I love kids.
[cheering and applause]
[David] All right,
everybody give it up
for a very funny man: me.
- [audience laughs]
- But give a little something
to my buddy Frankie Borden, too.
- Nice job, Frankie.
- [cheering and applause]
Frankie Borden should be drawn,
quartered, raped by a zebra.
- Frankie Borden, we hit bottom.
- [David] I've got
a very funny man coming up next.
Goes by the name of Billy Jones.
[cheering and applause]
Thank you. I did not birth him,
but I'll take it.
- [audience laughs] - Billy Jones?
- Holy shit.
They've hit the bottom
of the bottom. Billy Jones.
But before he comes on,
let me fill you in
on some upcoming shows.
There he is.
[Susie] Oh,
he even stands like a hack.
[David] First off,
one night only.
We've got a real treat for you.
- Big Dave is headlining...
- [Midge] Even Billy's
- walking out on his act.
- [Susie chuckles]
Ugh, his terrible act.
- I hear it in my nightmares.
- [David] Catch him before he sneaks out to L.A.
- and out on his tab.
- [audience laughs]
I'll be right back.
- Wait, where are you going?
- [David] Back with us at 9:00
every night this week,
our house favorite,
Jess Clayton, returns
from his latest round
on the Vegas circuit.
If you like
an international contingent,
Wednesday, Thursday, Friday,
- headlining our 7:30 and 9:00 p.m. shows...
- [Susie clears throat]
What's with the grin?
Well, Billy Jones
stepped outside to smoke.
Now, I figure
we got a good ten minutes
before he figures the fuck out
how to walk around the building
- and come back in.
- What?
I locked him out.
[laughs]
You are a little stinker.
- Yeah.
- [David] So, here he comes.
He just got back
from a world tour
if you call the world Scranton.
- [audience laughs]
- Everybody's favorite
except for that wife of his,
Billy Jones!
[cheering and applause]
[chuckles]
Where are you, Billy?
Why you grinning?
[David] Billy Jones!
[cheering and applause continue]
- Thank you, thank you.
- [man] Come on, Billy!
- [woman] Yeah, Billy!
- [man 2] Is this Billy? - [Midge] Whew!
- [man 3] Where's Billy?
- Rough week. Women, huh?
You can't live with 'em,
you can't...
Well, that pretty much
sums it up.
You can't live with 'em.
- [woman laughs]
- Huh?
My wife. Oh, brother.
She saw a psychic who told her
that in a past life,
she was Mary, Queen of Scots.
I said, "Well,
hope you had a good time,
honey, 'cause in this life,
you're Mary, Clean My Socks."
[audience laughs]
- My wife is...
- [man] What the hell?
- She says she wants a job. Can you believe that?
- You think this is funny?
I says to her, "Sweetie,
you got two jobs already
that you never show up for:
hand and blow."
- [women laugh]
- [men grumble, boo]
I dedicate that one
to my man Bobby.
Cut her mic! Cut the spotlight
- and get her off the stage.
- I got to go. Hey, why is it
that my wife always wants to
talk to me during the ball game?
- Oh, shit.
- It's like, honey, if I wanted you to ruin
something enjoyable,
I'd take you to the bedroom.
- [women laugh]
- [woman] Come on!
You didn't bump Birnbaum.
You didn't bump Borden.
- What the fuck is wrong with you?
- Get up and do your act, Billy.
- She just did it!
- But better. And in heels!
[women laugh]
- [Midge chuckles]
- Banned for life.
- The both of you.
- Let go.
You were funny once,
you know that? What happened?
- [Susie laughs]
- What's the matter, Bob?
You like these crap jokes
when Billy does them.
This is a business
of entertainment. You get that?
Our customers don't come here
to watch you make fun of it.
- [Susie blows raspberry]
- They come to have a good time.
- Well, that's all I was doing, Bobby.
- Hey.
Just trying to show people
a good time.
Hey. Hey, buddy.
Save your two bucks.
For a buck 50, I'll give you
a good time right here!
Hey! Come on.
Who here wants a good time?
- Huh?
- Whoa, whoa, what are you doing
- west of 3rd Avenue, honey?
- Oh! What?
- Come on.
- Hey, wait! Wait!
- She's a comedian!
- Yeah, she's hysterical.
[Midge] Hey, wait. Ow!
Fucking here
we fucking go again.
- [Gabe shouts]
- [woman screams]
- Was that a good scream?
- That was a good scream.
- Very good.
- An exhilarating read.
I had to look up
a couple of words here or there.
[chuckles] I was top of my class
at Princeton, Abe.
- I usually know words.
- I can change them.
Let our readers dust off
their dictionaries.
It'll be good for them.
I red-penciled
a couple of tiny things.
No need to stay.
[chuckles]
Great. I'm happy.
Well, this will make you
even happier.
And save us a stamp.
- What is it?
- Your first paycheck.
[chuckles]
My first paycheck. Wonderful.
You want the stamp?
I'll let you have the stamp.
No, I'll skip the stamp.
Thank you, Gabe.
Thank you, Abe.
[Midge] Everything we say to men
goes through some cockeyed
man filter that we don't have.
We say "no," they hear "yes."
We say "stop," they hear "go."
We say,
"You want to have a good time?"
They hear,
"You want to have a good time?"
- [women laugh]
- Same thing, I know,
but they took it
out of fucking context.
- [cop bangs on cell]
- Language, I know.
With me,
it's always about language.
Tonight, I said something,
and I got busted.
But, you see,
it's not about what you say.
It's about
where you happen to be
- when you say what you happen to say.
- [woman] Right on.
And who happens to be around
when you say what you happen
to say where you happen to be.
- You know what I'm saying?
- [Rhonda] Cocaine?
Huh?
What you're in for.
Solicitation.
- In that dress?
- [women chuckle]
Actually, what I'm in for
is daring to say certain words
within earshot
of one Officer fucking Krupke.
Language, I know.
Need a light?
Huh? Thanks, sweetie.
[woman] That girl
need to take, like,
a week's sleep or something.
This your first time?
In jail? God, no.
- You?
- Yeah.
You'll get the hang of it.
I didn't mean...
Never mind.
So, where was I?
Oh, yeah,
did we talk about Bobby yet?
Just Billy Jones.
- And Noah Birnbaum.
- [Midge] Oh,
then I saved the best for last.
- [cop] Miriam Maisel!
- [Midge] Mm.
- You made bail.
- Just give me a second to finish up here.
Bobby.
I mean,
that can't be his fucking hair.
- [bangs on cell]
- [women laugh]
I know it's above and beyond.
It's way the fuck above
and beyond.
You're getting it back.
Or we're walking into an ambush.
It's not an ambush.
She's a sweet, youthful girl,
and she didn't want to call
her parents.
I mean, it's one thing burning
through cash bailing you out,
but bailing out a hooker
I don't even know?
- I'm not a hooker.
- Right,
you're Miss Turnstile 1959.
Oh, I'm glad you said "right."
Make a right on 6th.
I believe her.
She's not wearing underwear.
- Sometimes you got to let things breathe.
- Hey, are we going in circles?
Just two blocks more, 46th.
I actually had a better time
in jail than at that hacky club.
Better lighting, too.
Bobby is a dick.
That club is dead to us.
That's my point, Susie.
I don't want to play the game.
- I'm too old.
- You're not even 30.
I feel ancient.
I just want to stick
to the Gaslight
or the other clubs
in the Village.
Places I can talk. Be me.
Sure.
Stick to the Village,
stick to the basket houses,
but try making a living.
Moneymaking clubs
make their money off alcohol.
I know. I ran the Gaslight.
Without alcohol,
there's no money.
I'll play three shows a night.
Four. Five.
Nothing times five
is still nothing.
Without alcohol,
there's no money.
For either one of us.
- Yeah.
- [Gloria] Hey,
we passed it.
Oy fucking vey.
I always take the subway.
When you get off the A train,
it's two blocks up and one over.
Does that help?
- [jazz music playing]
- [indistinct chatter]
Hey, Mikey.
- [door closes] - I'll be
two shakes of a lamb's tail.
Hey, Bunny. I got arrested!
[Bunny] Good for you.
Coffee. You want some coffee?
- I need some goddamn coffee.
- I'm okay.
[Gloria] Does anybody have a 20?
[woman] Twenty?
What am I, fucking Rockefeller?
[woman 2] Honey,
we're all broke.
[Gloria] I'm two dollars short,
but I've got it all
besides that.
I should've warned you
about the coffee.
[Susie] How would you put it
into words?
[busy chatter]
[woman] Let me borrow
your lipstick.
That color looks better
on me anyway.
- [men whooping]
- [applause]
[music growing louder]
[cheering]
♪ ♪
- [music ends]
- [cheering and applause]
[man whoops]
- You new?
- [man] Hey, yeah!
Let's have a round of applause
for Lana LaRue!
[cheering and applause]
A nice, patriotic young girl.
- I can see that a bunch of you guys are still saluting.
- [drum sting]
- Hey, yeah!
- [man 2] Keep the change, sweetie.
- And keep them coming.
- [man] Hey, nice suit.
Must be a naked cadaver
- in a morgue somewhere.
- [drum sting] - [men chuckle]
Speaking of cadavers,
you've heard of rigor mortis?
I'd kill to be young,
but I didn't know
I'd have to die
- to stay stiff.
- [drum sting]
- [men laugh]
- So, this is my last night
here at the Wolford.
Don't everyone congratulate me
- at once.
- [man 3] Happy retirement!
[man] I'm too in demand
to retire, buddy.
I got a better gig.
- ♪ You'll miss me when
I'm gone ♪ - [men groaning]
♪ Oh, you're gonna
miss me so much ♪♪
Eh, your loss.
So, old Cliff wanted me to stay.
Said he had a plan
to bring in more cash.
A family-friendly night.
Bring the kiddies.
- It's a two-milk minimum.
- [drum sting]
- [men laugh]
- Hey, it's not a bad idea.
- We already got the udders.
- [drum sting]
- [men groan] - So, I'm
looking forward to my next gig.
Crowd's a little more
sophisticated.
Little more mature.
[footsteps approaching]
[Joel exhales]
We got to tell my parents
about us.
[Mei snoring]
I put it off as long as I can.
Does the name Lena Brofmann
mean anything to you?
- [Susie] Hey.
- Whoa, stop.
How the hell did you get in?
I don't know,
complete lack of security?
- What's this?
- The money you lent me
to reimburse the money
I was holding for Midge
- that I kind of... misplaced.
- Gambled away.
What about that guy
at the insurance company?
- He still coming after you?
- Oh, my sister's blowing him
in the office bathroom every day
at lunch, so we're good.
So, that's it.
We are squared away. Hmm?
I am back to square one.
Less than that
after posting bail
for Miriam and that hooker.
Every sentence you speak
is worse than the last one.
Wait.
Don't you ever...
And I mean ever...
Do something shifty
with my wife's money again.
- Ex-wife.
- Don't.
[TV playing indistinctly]
[dishes clattering]
[man] Can I help you?
[man 2] I'd like to see
the man in charge.
[Midge] Mama?
Everything's
on the too high shelf.
I'm not a giraffe. I need
my kitchen the way it should be.
Carry on.
[man] Where
was this murder committed?
[man 2] San Francisco
last night.
[man] Who was murdered?
[man 2] I was.
Papa?
Miriam. Hello.
- How was your night?
- Fine.
I got arrested for prostitution.
[chuckles]
Ah, that's nice.
Everything okay?
Oh, sure. Everything's fine.
Although I do have
a very serious thing
I'd like to discuss
with you. Sit.
- Sit, sit.
- [patting floor]
[slurs] Miriam.
That is not your first glass.
I think it's wrong
that a man should be supported
by his daughter.
It's against the laws
of father-daughter-daughter-dom.
- Okay.
- I got my first paycheck
from the Voice today,
and I'm giving it to you...
The whole thing...
To cover
some household expenses.
- Take it. Take it.
- Papa, really, I...
[Midge exhales]
- This is a full week?
- Yes.
What will it cover?
Honestly?
I insist on full honesty.
An egg?
Eggs are good. So, one egg?
Maybe two.
One short of an omelet.
It could also cover
a certain quantity of salt.
- Half a carrot.
- [chuckles]
You're sure this is a full week?
That is my weekly paycheck,
Miriam.
Did they tell you it was gonna
be this small an amount?
I think so.
I was just so excited
when they hired me,
I may not have been listening.
I should've taken that stamp.
- That what?
- Nothing.
Join me.
- You know what the irony is about this whole thing?
- Mm.
The job.
It's great. I mean...
it's really great.
I like these people.
They're different.
Smart but... looser.
And it's the funniest thing.
Yeah?
They seem to like me.
Everyone likes you.
No one at Columbia liked me.
Oh, look at this.
- Wow. It's you! Frame that.
- [chuckles]
No. I can't afford framing.
It'll buy more than enough.
I was joking.
But what can the government buy
with the...
96 cents of taxes
they withheld, huh?
Let's see. A fighter jet?
Nah. They're, like,
a buck something.
- Some staples.
- But not the stapler.
- That's gonna take a while
longer. [laughing] - [chuckles]
Okay, Papa,
I know this is a shock,
but look at it this way.
You are doing something
that you love.
Yeah.
The both of us.
Pursuing our art.
Although
one of us pursuing banking
- would've been smart.
- Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Are you sure
you can handle all this?
To art.
To art.
[♪ 10cc: "Art for Art's Sake"]
♪ Gimme your body ♪
♪ Gimme your mind ♪
♪ Open your heart ♪
♪ Pull down your blind ♪
♪ Gimme your love ♪
♪ Gimme it all ♪
♪ Gimme in the kitchen,
gimme in the hall ♪
♪ Art for art's sake ♪
♪ Money for God's sake ♪
♪ Art for art's sake ♪
♪ Money for God's sake ♪
♪ Money talks, so listen to it ♪
♪ Money talks to me ♪
♪ Anyone can understand it ♪
♪ Money can't be beat ♪
♪ Oh, no ♪
♪ When you get down,
down to the root ♪
♪ Don't give a damn,
don't give a hoot ♪
♪ Still gotta keep makin'
the loot ♪
♪ Chauffeur driven ♪
♪ Gotta make her
quick as you can ♪
♪ Give her lovin',
make you a man ♪
♪ Get her in the palm
of your hand ♪
♪ Bread from heaven ♪
♪ Keep me in exile
the rest of my days ♪
♪ Burn me in hell
but as long as it pays ♪
♪ Art for art's sake ♪
♪ Money for God's sake ♪
♪ Art for art's sake ♪
♪ Money for God's sake ♪♪
Please rate this subtitle at www.osdb.link/9mesp
Help other users to choose the best subtitles
- There it is.
- Every last piece.
- The couch.
- Your dining room chairs.
- The TV.
- Your orgy lamps.
Orgy lamps?
These are not orgy lamps.
Well, what are those people
on them doing?
They're...
Well, she's a teacher,
and these are her nubile pupils,
and...
- This is dirty.
- [Imogene] Yeah.
Like, what is she teaching them?
French?
Well, they're pretty,
and I still like them.
What are you thinking, Antonio?
It's gonna take us a while to
unload everything, Mrs. Maisel.
Great. I've got a few errands
to run. Take over, Imogene?
Will do.
All right, guys, get to work!
- [♪ The Pajama Game Ensemble: "Racing with
the Clock"] - Sorry. I get bossy. Sorry.
- Be safe, guys.
- [clattering]
Careful with the orgy lamps.
Oil's tough, but I'll see
what I can do, Mrs. Marshall.
You're the best, Herman.
Have a good day.
[singsongy]
Herman.
- Mrs. Maisel.
- How's things? How's Marilyn?
Just celebrated
our 30-year anniversary.
Mazel tov.
I'm back in the neighborhood,
and there's mountains
of cleaning heading your way.
I'll turn 'em around for you
nice and quick.
- And my tab's still good?
- Uh, of course.
- What was it, 15 bucks?
- Something like that.
But I thought you'd give me
a higher limit on that tab.
- A higher limit?
- Like, say, 30 bucks?
See, I haven't washed a thing
since I left you.
There's so much business
coming your way,
a higher tab would be convenient
for you and me.
Know what I mean?
I think I can make that work.
You're a doll.
Gonna give one of these
to everyone I know.
- Marketing, Herman.
- Thanks, Mrs. Maisel.
♪ Hurry up ♪
- ♪ Hurry up ♪
- ♪ Can't waste time...
And 63 cents is your change.
Thank you. Come again.
- [singsongy] Eli.
- Mrs. Maisel.
You still have the best buns
in town?
I like to think.
You back in the neighborhood?
As of today. And ready
to restart that tab of mine.
Sure. What was it, uh, ten?
Back in the day. But
I'm thinking double that now.
- Double?
- Or triple. You should see how my kids eat.
Well, you should know,
what with six.
So a higher tab's a real
convenience. For you and for me.
- I guess.
- You know Herman the dry cleaner?
Practically begged me to raise
my tab. He was a little pushy.
- I'll see what I can do.
- You're a doll.
If I don't come home
with a couple of these,
those damn kids'll eat me.
Put 'em on my tab?
- You got it.
- Gonna give one of these
to everyone I know.
Marketing, Eli!
Thanks, Mrs. Maisel.
- ♪ Hurry up ♪
- ♪ Can't waste time...
[singsongy]
Johann.
New uniform, huh?
You should have heard
the dry cleaner and the baker
practically begging me
to raise my tab.
- Grown men, begging.
- That's something.
Not for nothing,
but a higher tab
benefits you more than me.
I'll have to check
with the office.
Tell them about Herman and Eli?
Here's their cards
if your boss wants to chat.
- Sure thing, Mrs. Maisel.
- You're a doll, Johann.
- [singsongy] Randy.
- Hey, Mrs. Maisel.
Who's got
the best melons around?
- I do.
- I'm insulted.
Listen,
I'm back in the neighborhood,
- and I want to talk about my tab.
- Your tab?
♪ Racing with the clock ♪♪
You ever see a milkman beg,
Walter?
No, I'm serious.
He was begging me
to raise my tab.
Kept talking about how
it benefits him more than me.
- Ha! - Not there. Somewhere else.
- But it's kitchen stuff.
- I'm organizing, Antonio. This is my process.
- Walter, I'm a woman. I don't
- have a mind for business. Ask the milkman.
- Leave me to my process.
Be nicer, Imogene.
We like Antonio.
Sorry.
It's my Nordic grandmother.
- I inherited her chilly rage.
- [Midge] Yes, but what with him
and the baker and the grocer
and the dry cleaner
all raising my tab like that,
it just makes sense
to let you in on the deal.
I mean,
I'd hate to switch pharmacies.
Twenty-five is great.
And I'm gonna tell everyone
you are the best drug dealer
in the neighborhood.
Uh, you know what I mean.
Marketing, Walter. Bye.
Oh, the bastard put up a fight.
- What are you doing?
- Solving my cash flow problem.
Last week, I dealt with Moishe.
Had to get him to agree to delay
the loan payment on this place.
Brought Esther.
- Uh-oh.
- [Midge] Held her in my lap,
barefoot, a little dirty,
holding her one-armed doll.
- You didn't.
- I talked about her needing new shoes.
I couldn't tear up, but then
Esther cried right on cue.
I may have given her a pinch.
- Shameless.
- But it worked.
And now if I can just hold off
paying the milk bill,
the laundry bill,
the grocery bill,
the butcher bill,
the bakery bill
and the pharmacy bill
for just a few months,
I can possibly catch up.
Hello, old friend.
Your place of honor awaits.
[Imogene] [gasps] Oh,
this shelf is complete.
Oh, come with me.
I need an opinion.
What do you think?
Is this cubist or...?
No, seriously.
What do you think?
Seriously, it's insane.
At first glance, yes.
But hear me out. Ouch.
- Midge.
- Okay.
[exhales]
Old place, new life. Right?
- Sure.
- New vistas. Interior vistas.
- Okay.
- Now, clearly, the living room couch
has to go where it goes.
Can't make a change there.
- It was built for that room.
- Yep.
And the TV has to go
across from the couch.
- Et cetera, et cetera.
- I agree.
The kitchen's the kitchen.
Can't do anything
with the foyer.
Where can I create
something new in my apartment?
Something splashy.
Something that's just me.
Bedroom.
Ow!
- Maybe you shouldn't...
- [Midge groans]
- Give me a second.
- ...move.
Who says it has to be arranged
exactly the way Joel and I had
it even though it made sense.
Joel and I made sense,
and we all know
how that ended up.
I want to walk into this bedroom
and feel
like this is my bedroom.
I don't want to feel
like this is where Joel and I
kind of often... you know.
- I know.
- Plus, he dumped me here.
He stood right there.
I stood here.
Now it's all different,
because where he stood
when he dumped me is now
where the dresser is,
and where I stood
when he dumped me
is where part of the bed is,
which is a great comfort to me.
So...
what do you think?
I think you should put it back
the way it was
because this
is clinically insane.
Imogene, I was hurt here.
I know, twice. Shin, toe.
- By Joel.
- I know.
But put it all back
exactly the way it was.
Nice and pretty.
And the new thing?
Now when you're here,
you're alone.
And you get both closets.
No. I'm gonna live with this
for a while
and see how it feels.
Shit-fuck.
How'd that feel?
[exhales]
I've got to go call the butcher.
Okay. Oh!
- [phone rings] - [Gabe] Don't
get your knickers in a twist, Jerry.
- [man] Village Voice. Hello.
- [Jerry] My sources are good.
- Sanitation's going out.
- [Gabe] Garbagemen
- are not going on strike.
- [Jerry] Says who?
[Gabe] Me. I just said it.
Sudden astigmatism, Jerry?
- [Jerry] I stand corrected. I'm a piece of shit.
- [Kev] When are they gonna
- empty the garbage here?
- [Jerry] And that relates how?
- [Kev] It's still about sanitation.
- [Terrence] Kev is right.
Bernie threw half an avocado out
last week,
and it's still sitting there.
Abe Weissman! There you are.
I'm sorry, am I late?
I-I was told
- the meeting started at 10:00.
- [Gabe] You are not late.
Three of us
slept here last night,
two of us
not because their wives
- kicked them out.
- She didn't kick me out.
She just wouldn't let me in.
And when we woke up, the meeting
informally commenced.
Everyone, this is
the notorious Abe Weissman,
- the Terror of Broadway. And now our Terror.
- Good morning.
- Hi, Abe. - How you doing, Abe?
- Good to see you.
You know your arts editor,
Terrence.
Bernie's news.
Jerry's city desk.
Leonard's opinion,
and he occasionally has one.
- Our photographer, Kal-El, from the planet Krypton.
- I made the mistake
of showing them my collection
of Superman comics.
It's Gilbert.
[Gabe] Jules is our doodler,
and Kev... What are you again?
- Fuck you.
- Our resident poet.
And that is the masthead
in the flesh.
Sit, sit.
Is this smoke
bothering you, Abe?
[chuckles]
Oh. Oh, no.
- No, I smoke a pipe, myself.
- [Gilbert] [chuckles] Yeah,
what you're smoking
isn't exactly what I'm smoking.
- [Abe chuckles softly] -
[Jerry] Dig the duds, Weissman.
- Boss Tweed.
- Stop it, Jer. Dress any way you like. Hell,
- Mailer once showed up in his underwear.
- [Kev] I'm sorry,
why'd he stab his wife again?
She seemed nice.
Plimpton says
it's because she told Norman
he's not as good as Dostoyevsky.
[Bernie] I had
a long conversation
with his wife
at a book party once.
- She may have had it coming.
- Some of us have places to go.
All right, let's resume.
Check your sources at the union.
If it's real, we will run it.
- Will do.
- [Terrence] Abe, I hate
to do this,
but I've got three things
- for you to review next week.
- Three?
- I-I know it's a lot.
- No.
Actually, the Voice has averaged
three and a quarter
theater reviews since issue one,
so it's par for the course.
And how did you come
to that figure?
I read the back issues.
At the library on 42nd.
Took me a couple of weeks.
Seriously?
You read every back issue?
All but November 13 of '57.
Someone must have stolen
that one.
I would love to plug that hole
one day.
[chuckles softly]
I feel like I just showed you
my Superman comics.
No, no, no, no, we applaud
your thoroughness, Mr. Weissman.
[Jerry] While questioning
your mental fitness.
- [all chuckle]
- Carol,
dig out November 13, 1957 issue
for Abe.
Let's plug that hole now.
I heard from the ad department.
They wanted you
to know that last week's
front page made their lives
- a living hell.
- [Gabe] Mission accomplished. What else?
[Kev] Can we talk about how much
I hate the ad department?
[♪ Blossom Dearie: "Always True
to You in My Fashion"]
[door closes]
- [Abe] Miriam? We're here.
- [Rose] We didn't knock.
[Abe] There was debate,
but that's where we landed.
Hello, you two.
Remarkable.
Like we traveled back in time.
Such a strange feeling.
Like something
out of that show of yours, Abe,
- The Twilight Zone.
- Oh, yeah.
This last one of theirs
was a real beaut.
- How about a tour?
- Please.
There was this advertising exec.
Overworked, harried.
Clearly a stand-in
for Rod Serling.
Gorgeous. And that view.
- I got my river back.
- [Rose sighs]
He had this boss
always yelling at him.
"Push, push, push, Williams."
- Dining room.
- "Push, push, push!"
Then he falls asleep
on the train ride home.
All your dishes. And a piano.
And he wakes up
in an idyllic town
- called Willoughby.
- Shall we continue?
- [Rose] Mm-hmm.
- And in a different century.
There's horse-drawn buggies
and a brass band,
and I'm talking to myself.
Oh, I've always loved
those chairs.
- Me, too.
- So perfect for the room.
- Mm.
- [Midge] This way, please.
- On to the master.
- Have we done the kitchen?
- Girls!
- Huh.
- I needed something different.
- [Abe] Are you back there?
It's still...
technically a bedroom.
- [Abe] Answer me, please!
- Let me show you the guest room.
- Made a change there, too.
- Oh, fun.
[Abe] Hey, wait.
Have we done the bedroom?
You're going too fast.
What do you think?
These are our things.
- I know.
- What are they doing here?
These are our things.
- I know.
- What are they doing here?
This is why I invited you over.
- To make you an offer.
- What offer?
I thought it might be wonderful
for you two
to move in here with me.
And the kids.
And, of course, Zelda.
The whole Weissman clan
together again
in the original building,
just a couple of floors down
from where you were.
What do you think?
- Absolutely not. What?
- Yes. What?
- Put some thought into this, Rose.
- Think about it, Abe.
- Oh, fine, but you, too.
- What's there to think about?
Papa, do not have one of your
knee-jerk reactions to this.
This is not
a knee-jerk reaction.
I heard your offer, and I
instantly knew it was stupid.
Papa, please.
This would put you back
in your beloved neighborhood
with your news stand,
your Zabar's,
your synagogue,
the little place that you get
that afternoon jelly doughnut at
that you don't tell Mama about.
- Jelly doughnuts?
- All of that
is perfectly accessible
on the subway.
Tell me you're happy
living in Queens.
Go on, tell me.
Well, look whose hobby
is being snobby.
- I like this idea.
- You like...?
She has us in the guest room.
- So?
- [Abe] So,
when you have guests,
they'll sleep on top of us?
If they're feeling frisky.
And I suppose we get the
vomit bathroom.
- Which one is that?
- [Abe] The one I watched
Ethan throw up in two years ago
voluminously.
It's been cleaned.
But take the one by my bedroom.
It's identical.
- The overloaded Esther diaper poopy bathroom.
- Good grief.
We'll share. The-the bathrooms
will be communal
so we can all be revolted
together.
[chuckles]
Oh, you're a sneaky one.
- You're a sneaky one!
- Papa. - Abe.
You thought you could
just bring us over here
and play some music
and get us drunk,
woo us with flowers
and a nice dinner
and a cheap piano?
That's probably not even
in tune.
- [plays piano] - Actually,
it's perfectly in tune
and has a nice, warm tone,
but the rest of my point
is valid.
I just want to take care
of you two. Pay you back
for the whole "having me
and raising me" thing.
You never should have bought
this place back, Miriam.
I mean, what man
is going to want a woman
- who owns her own apartment?
- He does have a point there.
- It does make you less feminine.
- Sorry.
Let me just hike up my shorts
and get in a good man scratch.
- Now, what was that again?
- If we're going to eat,
then let's eat. "Man scratch."
- Hi, Grandpa.
- Your mother thinks we're schnorrers.
- Hi, Grandma.
- Your grandfather's being stubborn.
- Hi, Mommy.
- Go back to bed, Ethan.
Papa,
living with Moishe and Shirley
has been a nightmare for you.
They're nudists, for God's sake.
- You get used to it.
- Think about it.
This apartment,
this neighborhood.
It's like your Willoughby,
right? From that program.
Inviting, peaceful,
- idyllic, home.
- [Abe] Willoughby
was the name of the funeral home
the "push, push, push" guy
ended up in.
He was dead at the end,
- Miriam. He jumped off the train.
- [Midge sighs]
You would know that
if you listened!
You know, this Twilight Zone
sounds stupid.
Excuse me?
- Miriam.
- [Midge] Either everyone's dead
and they don't know it,
or they think
they're dead
but they're actually alive,
or they're from outer space
and they don't know it,
or they think they're dead
but they're from outer space
- and they don't know it.
- [Abe] Wrong.
Some people live
in alternate realities.
Okay, stop. Just stop!
Both of you.
Now, Abe, you listen to me.
We can't live
with Moishe and Shirley anymore.
We're losing
what sanity we have left.
- Hmm.
- [Rose] And no matter what you say,
you want to
be back in this building.
- I know you do, and I do, too.
- [Abe sighs]
- Thank you.
- But we can't have
the neighbors think we're
charity cases,
Miriam. We need to agree
on a cover story.
- A cover story?
- We can't tell people
- our daughter's supporting us.
- It would be humiliating.
And it wasn't humiliating to
move in with Moishe and Shirley?
No, because
we had a cover story.
- Love to hear it.
- We told people we were
moving out of our old apartment
due to Abe leaving Columbia
and that the fabulous apartment
we rented to replace it
fell through,
and we were in litigation
with the seedy landlord
to get our deposit check back.
Mr. Crink.
- Who?
- The seedy landlord. You don't listen.
You gave
the fake seedy landlord a name?
[Rose] And we didn't want
to lease another place
until the lawsuit was settled,
so we temporarily moved in
with Moishe and Shirley.
We have a court case next week.
- For what?
- [Abe] Are you not listening?
To get the deposit back
from Mr. Crink.
- Mr. Crink is not real.
- [Rose] Now,
the logical cover story
for moving in here
is that Abe and I
bought the place back for you.
- What?
- That works for me.
So I did all of this for you,
and you want
to tell the whole world
that you did it for me?
That's not right.
- I didn't realize this was a contest.
- It's not.
I thought this was just an
altruistic thing you were doing
- for us. Then we're agreed.
- It is. On what?
That you're moving in here
with us. Right, Abe?
- It's done.
- Good.
I'm getting a drink.
Thanks for blowing
the doughnut thing, by the way.
She's in a severely
fragile state,
so speak softly
and no sudden movements.
- Right.
- Common rules.
No passing of contraband,
meaning drugs of any kind,
- weapons, or anything that can be weaponized.
- [Susie] Okay.
- Hold it, Lucille!
- That includes pens, pencils,
tools large or small,
shoelaces, twine,
nail files, bottle openers,
et cetera.
- Got it.
- Address only the patient you are here to see.
Do not open windows.
Do not close doors.
- Are you following?
- Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm following.
Over the weeks, we've curated
a list of specific things
that set her off
and are not to be mentioned.
Most seem to be the names
of past paramours.
They include the following:
"Vincent Price,
Edgar G. Robinson,
Jan from Jan and Dean,
Dean from Jan and Dean,
Howlin' Wolf, Salvador Dalí,
Cubby O'Brien..."
- From The Mickey Mouse Club?
- "Fess Parker,
Igor Stravinsky,
Adlai Stevenson..."
I'll leave the list.
It's not short.
Finally, don't mention
the city of Cleveland
or use the word "moist."
That last one I get.
Straight ahead.
[Susie clears throat]
Sophie?
[gasps]
Mercy. Susie, you're here.
And of your own volition.
Oh, that makes it special.
You called me a dozen times.
I did?
Oh, everything's so cloudy.
And the clouds.
They're all shaped like fruit.
There's a banana.
There's a kumquat.
Sit, sit.
- [Susie clears throat]
- Mm.
So... How did you end up here?
Oh, Susie,
I've been through such hell.
After Miss Julie,
I just spiraled downward.
Darkness enveloped me
like an old mink coat.
I needed help.
So I met with my lawyer,
my press agent,
my business manager
and my investment broker,
and we all decided
that I should have
a nervous breakdown.
Did you?
[laughing loudly]
[man laughs]
[woman chuckles]
[gasps] Oh, here's
my dear Helen. Hello, Helen.
- Hello, Sophie.
- [Sophie] Just meeting
with my manager. [chuckles]
How's Leslie?
Still on the ventilator.
Somebody opened her window.
Well, that's against the rules.
- They're looking into it.
- [Sophie] Mm.
Ta, now.
See you at shuffleboard.
[chuckles]
- [woman screams]
- Holy fuck!
You get used to it.
Look at us.
Mm. A couple of birdies
in the cuckoo's nest.
So, Sophie, I'm visiting, yes,
- but there's another reason I'm here.
- Dawes?
- Yes, ma'am.
- I believe it's time for my pills.
Your timing is impeccable,
ma'am, as always.
It is.
[Susie] Look, Sophie,
you seem like you're doing well,
and I'm happy about that.
Would you like
one of the yellow ones?
I don't like the yellow ones.
We have a piece of business
we need to do.
Uh, it's something
for you to sign.
Mm, you want my autograph?
Kind of. It's...
[clears throat]
Just a document that says
we're no longer in any kind
of business together.
A lawyer looked it over
and everything.
Um, it's kind of a formality
since, you know,
we're never gonna have
anything to do with each other
ever again.
But you're my manager.
[woman screams]
I'm not your manager.
You got me on Broadway.
My manager did that.
- I'm not your manager.
- [Sophie] So many adventures
before us.
Me and my manager.
I am not your manager.
- You are.
- I'm not.
Read this.
Well?
It's a dissolution
of your partnership,
- ma'am.
- Is this really what you want?
Yes.
Fine.
[woman whistles, shouts]
Support us and become VIP member
to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org
[woman screams]
It's time for my soapy bath.
[man] Lucille!
Hold it, Lucille!
[typewriter clacking]
[carriage returns, bell dings]
[clacking continues]
- [thud]
- [Midge] Ow!
Miriam. Knock, please.
It's a bathroom.
My bathroom.
You said
the bathrooms were communal.
Is that no longer the case?
Yes, but why are you working
in my... the...
- our bathroom?
- Miriam,
I have no study,
and I need a writing space.
And it needs to be cozy because
I'm creative when I'm cozy.
But your... our other bathroom
is the same size.
But too close to the room where
your mother is trying to sleep.
This would wake her up,
and that would be rude.
Yes, you wouldn't
want to be rude.
You have no red pens.
Anything else?
Door!
[typewriter clacking]
[dishes clattering]
[sighs]
[TV playing indistinctly]
Mama. You're up.
And reorganizing my kitchen.
Everything was jammed
onto freakishly low shelves
because your
vertically challenged friend
- organized it that way.
- I thought the layout worked.
For Tom Thumb, yes,
or the Lollipop Guild,
- but not for normal-sized people.
- Got it.
- Isobel?
- Imogene.
Papa! Mama's up!
[TV announcer] ...all kinds
of new toys to play with.
Monkey Sticks!
Ask for 'em by name.
Monkey Sticks!
Only 98 cents.
Monkey Sticks...
What do you want
for breakfast, Ethan?
Cereal.
You're consistent.
I like that about you.
[Deborah] Welcome back,
everyone.
[Harris] If you're here
in New York, you can get...
- [door creaks] - ...along with
a legion of champion divers,
gorgeous mermaids
and aqua-maniacs...
Mama?
- Did you bring the milk in?
- [Rose] I did not!
- [Deborah] Lots of fun for the whole family.
- Shit.
[Harris] You know a great way
to beat the heat and the traffic
this holiday weekend,
no matter where you live?
- [elevator bell chimes]
- [elevator door opens]
- [Julie] Miriam.
- [Midge] Oh!
Jesus Christ!
Sneaking up on me, huh?
We just went for a walk.
Ah.
[elevator door closes]
This.
I was afraid it would spoil
if it was out here much longer,
so I was just gonna pop it
in my fridge till you got back.
I was gonna do that
for everybody on the floor.
I'm like the Milk Fairy.
But you're back.
So no need to do that.
Here you go.
- Enjoy your milk.
- Nice to see you. [chuckles]
Oh, and so nice your parents
bought your place back for you.
[door closes]
[line rings]
[Gus] Anson Farms. Gus speaking.
Hi, Gus. This is Miriam Maisel
at 385 Riverside.
Something happened with
our milk delivery this morning.
Yes. Maisel, 385 Riverside.
I was gonna call you
about your account.
- What about it?
- Says here you have no credit history with us.
But that's not right. We had an
account with you for five years.
But it's your husband
who had the account. Uh,
Joel Maisel. That's
who we had the account with.
Right. And I'm Mrs. Joel Maisel.
His wife at the time.
Well, he paid the tab,
so it was his credit.
It was our credit.
And you're basically starting
from scratch,
so we need some cash up front.
- Sorry.
- I can't pour "sorry" on cereal.
Gus, just deliver me
some goddam milk.
- Miriam.
- Ma'am, it's company policy.
There's nothing I can do
about it.
Well, that's very nice. Gus.
Do you want to know something,
Gus?
Your milk
is really not that delicious.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
- Kind of tastes like cow piss.
- Miriam.
- And your butter has a chemical stink.
- Ma'am.
- You just have some inferior cows, Gus.
- Ma'am, I...
- Just one ex-customer's opinion, Gus.
Ma'am, there's no...
[TV announcer] But think of the
picture you'll get in your home.
Even on a difficult reception...
It's toast or a banana, kid.
Pick.
[Ethan] No!
I don't want toast!
[TV announcer] ...picture tubes.
As low as $139.95.
See them
at your RCA Victor dealer's.
[Harris] Welcome back, everyone.
- Some big news just crossed the wires.
- [Esther] One.
It's a fucking man's world,
sweetie.
- [Esther] Okay.
- International singing sensation
and proud son of Harlem
Shy Baldwin
is getting married.
[Deborah] So many
brokenhearted ladies out there.
[Harris] Shy surprised
his longtime girlfriend,
Monica Johnson, by inviting her
onstage in Paris,
getting down on one knee,
and popping the question
in front of 3,000 rabid fans.
[Deborah] Très romantique.
[Harris] The nuptials
are said to be happening
here in New York City
when Shy gets a break
from his European tour dates.
We'll let you know
when we get more details.
[Deborah] In the meantime,
congratulations
to the happy couple.
[Harris] Guess it's a good thing
she said yes with 3,000
- fans and witnesses.
- [footsteps approaching]
[Deborah] As if anyone would
turn down Shy Baldwin.
[loud bang]
[panting]
[typewriter clacking]
[crying]
[phone ringing]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Hello?
- [Tess] Hey, sis.
- Good news.
- Good news?
- What, the check?
- They're cutting it today.
That's business talk.
When they write checks,
they don't say
they're writing them.
They say they're cutting them.
You're a fucking miracle worker.
Thank you.
And, hey, I have a new job.
Wow. Where?
Here. At the insurance office.
Hi, Marcie.
- [Marcie] Hi.
- What insurance office?
Our insurance office, dope.
Tess, how is it you're working
at our insurance office?
- Mr. B hired me.
- To do what?
To be a secretary person.
- Impossible.
- Look, I did what you said.
I slept with Mr. B,
and he was like,
"Okay, the check's yours.
You'll have it Friday.
Let's do it again."
Okay, for the record,
I did not tell you
to sleep with him.
I thought you did.
I said "flirt."
I didn't say "sleep."
Anyway,
now we're seeing each other,
so he was like,
"You want a job?"
And I said, "Yeah, as long as
I don't have to work that hard."
And he said, "No problem."
I just need to do stuff to him
in the bathroom
during lunch sometimes,
but I'm good with that.
I'm sorry,
let me get this straight.
You are working at the insurance
office that we defrauded
and occasionally doing stuff
to the insurance agent
who's now technically
in on the fraud?
That's what happens sometimes
when you sleep with guys.
I did not tell you
to sleep with the guy!
Don't yell. Come on,
you started the whole thing
when you stole
your client's money.
I didn't steal it.
I borrowed it.
But if you borrow it
without telling someone,
isn't that stealing?
Are you at the office now
where people can hear you?
Yeah. What's shaking, Kyle?
Then shut the fuck up!
What a hothead.
I got to go.
Say hello to your husband.
Oh, sure.
He's thrilled I got a job.
Just get me that check pronto.
[phone rings]
Hello?
[Midge] It's me.
Miriam? You sound weird.
They wouldn't increase
my milk tab.
- Your what?
- My milk tab.
They'd increase it for Joel
but not for me
because the original credit
wasn't under my name.
So now to get milk,
I have to pay money,
and I don't know why I'm
taking it so badly, but I am.
I'm sorry, they let you get milk
without paying for it?
How the fuck
did I not know about this?
I don't know. Susie, yesterday,
I was feeling
on top of the world,
and right now I'm feeling
like nothing is gonna work out.
I was fucking insane
to take this apartment,
and my mother's
turning my kitchen upside down,
and my father's in the bathroom,
topless, using my lipstick.
- Wait, what?
- Why did I buy this apartment?
Correction. I didn't buy it.
My parents bought it,
which makes me the schnorrer,
and I don't even get credit.
Any kind of credit.
And I pinched my daughter.
I should be up on charges.
You want me to come over?
Oh, and you know L. Roy Dunham
slammed me in his column again?
- Yeah, I saw it.
- He was raving
about some comic at the Copa
and said the guy's act
was unlike
the unfunny meanderings
of no one's favorite
Mrs. Maisel.
He writes about me
even when he's not writing
about me.
Actually, he said,
"The deeply unfunny meanderings
of no one's favorite
Mrs. Maisel."
- You memorized it?
- No, I have the paper.
Look, the guy's a dickhead.
Just forget about him.
Wait till he hears
I can't afford milk for my kids.
They'll be short and arthritic,
and Imogene will come
and arrange their kitchens
for them and the Lollipop Guild,
and Ethan's gonna get made fun
of every day of his life
because I couldn't get him milk
for his cereal.
That's what's happening.
That is my life.
- [grunts, panting]
- Why are you grunting?
I put my bed
in a different place,
but, of course,
it doesn't work there.
It's got to go
back where it was when Joel,
who's got
this phenomenal credit history
with the milk company,
lived here,
which wasn't the point.
And I-I really burned a bridge
with Gus.
"Cow piss."
I'm a monster.
You know what's gonna happen,
don't you?
- What?
- I'm either gonna wind up
married to Joel again,
although I don't know
how his girlfriend's gonna feel
about that,
or I better start
trolling hospitals
for a nice doctor right now,
because this is not good.
I got some milk here. I can
bring it. It's only a week old.
No, thank you.
Because I should
get off the phone
and go force-feed my son
some dry toast.
- [line disconnects]
- Miriam.
Thanks, Sal.
Thought your wife didn't want
you eating those things.
Called them
heart attacks on a stick.
- I'm between wives.
- That's too bad.
What's that make it now?
Four? Five?
- Let's see, the first one was Susan.
- Sandra.
Thought the last one was Sandra.
I married two Sandras.
You're making it difficult.
The first Sandra
was a dope fiend.
Then Dotty.
She left you for Hal Roach.
Then you went international
with the flamenco dancer,
Conchita what's-her-name.
She also left you for Hal Roach.
Then the second Sandra
with the bouncing bazoombas.
Now, was there one
between Dotty and Conchita?
Look, Susie,
if-if you want to walk with me,
walk with me, all right?
Don't fucking stalk me.
Okay.
So, talk to me.
Why are you here?
It's Sophie.
Oh. Color me shocked.
[sighs] Man, she's snapped
or something, Harry.
Worse than ever.
We're talking
full-on Frances Farmer.
She at that nut farm of hers?
Yeah,
I went to see her up there.
Tried to get her to sign
a release form.
Something legal.
She won't do it.
Oh. Just-just run out the clock.
She's flamed out.
It's over for her.
Boy. Cold.
Hey, it's a cold biz, baby.
[sighs] I should've listened
to you, Harry. You were right.
I'm always right.
Don't you know that by now?
In your own fucked-up way,
you tried to warn me off
getting into business with her.
Yeah. Well,
you got to go through
what you got to go through.
Oh, here's my bench.
You like my bench?
- How is this your bench?
- Read the plaque.
"Harry Drake, how sweet it is."
A gift from Gleason.
And look at this view.
It's beautiful, isn't it?
I can see two
of the three penthouses
I lost to wives from here.
What?
You got her on Broadway.
But it was a disaster.
The Hindenburg times six.
But if Sophie
was a little less crazy
and if you had just gotten her
past opening night,
- you'd be a fucking legend.
- Wasn't meant to be.
And then I'd be stalking you
in the park.
[chuckles]
I got ten Broadway investors
- threatening to sue me.
- Oh, piss in a pot.
What week am I not being sued?
Look, this is the most
goddamn litigious business
in the most
goddamn litigious city
in the most goddamn
litigious country in the world.
It's America.
- So, how's your girl doing?
- Well, that's my other problem.
I don't know
what the hell to do with her.
Oh, yeah, the Shy Baldwin thing.
That's rough, kid.
That-That's rough.
Well, now she's got this idea
of how she wants to go forward,
this whole master plan
I can't make heads or tails of.
- We're stuck.
- Well,
- then dump her.
- What?
Dump her. Move on.
Find someone new.
Not gonna dump her, Harry.
Still believe in her.
More than ever.
She's got something. I know it.
She's just
so fucking headstrong.
But if you're not gonna
dump her,
then get her ass
back out on stage now.
But she's being so picky.
She likes basket houses.
Oh, no booze, no money.
- You don't have to tell me.
- Don't listen to her, Susie.
Look, comedians are crazy.
Every last fucking one of them.
They make idiotic decisions.
They miss the forest
for the trees.
So, she's pouted.
She's vented. You listened.
Now go get her
back out on stage.
Yeah. You're right.
- And start diversifying.
- Huh?
Get yourself some more clients.
Listen, I-I got to go.
You know, I leave the office
for five minutes,
a dozen fires break out.
Hey, thanks, Harry.
Really. Thanks.
And those Broadway guys?
I'm gonna make some calls.
The suing will stop.
- Really?
- People are talking about you, Susie.
- [chuckles] Nothing good.
- Hey,
it doesn't matter
what they're saying
as long as they're saying it.
The San Remo. Twelve rooms,
seven bathrooms,
maids' quarters.
That's the one that hurt.
- I'll see you.
- See you.
[knocking on door]
Coming!
- Let's go.
- What?
Right now. Let's go.
We're going out.
- Out where?
- Don't think.
Don't talk. Just walk.
Uh... Okay, fine.
I'll be right back.
Wrong way. Where you going?
- To grab a hat.
- No, don't,
- 'cause it won't be just a hat.
- Yes, it will.
Do not change your wardrobe.
It's fine!
- [Midge] Just a hat!
- It's never just a hat!
[♪ The Rat Pack:
"We Open in Venice"]
♪ We open in Venice ♪
♪ We next play Verona ♪
♪ Then on to Cremona ♪
♪ Lots of laughs in Cremona,
eh, boy ♪
♪ Our next jump in Parma ♪
♪ That dopey, mopey menace...
- Come on.
- I didn't know
this is
where you were taking me.
Where'd you think,
Howard Johnson's
- for some fucking clams?
- I could go for some clams.
- Get out.
- I like clams.
- I will force you out.
- You're being so bossy.
Get out and get in there.
♪ Lots of bars in Cremona,
our next jump...
- Under protest.
- Noted.
♪ That tearless,
fearless menace...
Thank God
you changed your outfit.
- Really.
- [audience laughing]
Yeah, think about guys' names
on the Yankees, huh?
Wouldn't it be something
if Whitey Ford drove a Chevy?
Or if Mickey Mantle
had nowhere to put awards?
Do you think Jim Coates
gets cold in the wintertime?
Bobby, hey!
- Yeah?
- [Susie] I brought my girl.
- You make a cute couple.
- For a set.
- Sorry, slots are gone.
- [Susie] So?
- [Bobby] So?
- Bump someone.
- [Bobby] Why?
- Are you serious?
I had a girl comic here
last week.
- Not this girl comic.
- Let's just go.
Bobby, you know she kills.
Even with an ass
full of Shy Baldwin shrapnel?
- Fuck you.
- Oh, okay, now I'll give her a slot.
- Really?
- [Bobby] No.
But tell you what,
I'll be a sport.
You can still come in
if you want.
I'll even waive the cover.
Just drink.
[David] ...this new pitcher
the Yankees just got...
- Okay, that pisses me off.
- Pisses me off.
- You want a drink?
- I need a drink.
- Me, too.
- [David] ...but one hell of an arm.
[audience laughs]
Hey, any of you hear about
this big new book by Harper Lee?
- [scattered cheers] - Beer.
- Martini. Olives.
Guess what
her favorite drink is.
Tequila Mockingbird.
- [audience laughs] - Turns
out we did go out for clams.
[David] Okay, enough of me.
Time to introduce
this very funny man
all the way from Crown Heights.
He even showered
before coming over. Here he is,
the big guy, Noah Birnbaum.
- [cheering and applause] - Noah Birnbaum?
- [David] Come on out, Baum.
- Noah Birnbaum.
- I'm sorry, Bobby wouldn't bump Noah Birnbaum for me?
Have I fallen that far?
No, Bobby's just being a fucking
little bunghole sissy-prick.
You are what you eat.
- Such a hack.
- Such a hack.
- Hello, everybody. How you doing?
- [scattered replies]
How does he choose
which generic salutation
to pull out of his sack of hack?
- Hack.
- Hack.
- Everyone got your drinks, yeah?
- [man] Yeah!
You know, a gentile's
favorite wine is cabernet.
- Am I right?
- Oh, I know where this is going.
A Jew's favorite whine is,
- "It's too cold in here."
- "It's too cold in here." Hack.
- [audience laughs] - Hack.
- Hack.
[Noah] I was walking by a church
with my friend Sid.
There was a sign that said, "50
bucks if you become a Catholic."
Sid's like, "I need some cash.
I'm going in."
Fifteen minutes later,
he comes back out,
and I say to him, "Sid,
Sid, did you get the 50 bucks?"
He looks at me,
shakes his head and says...
[Noah and Midge] "You Jews. All
you ever think about is money."
- [audience laughs]
- Ha ha ha, I'm Jewish.
- Shh!
- [chuckles] That was loud.
- Like I care a fuck. Another.
- [Noah] Okay.
Moving on.
Kid comes home from school,
tells his mom he got a part
in the school play.
- She says, "What role did you get?"
- Behind my back.
The kid says, "Jewish husband."
The mother says...
[Noah and Midge] "You go back
and tell the teacher
you want a speaking role."
- [audience laughs]
- Nice.
- [man] You think this is funny?
- Huh.
Sounds like we got
a mockingbird in the audience.
- What the fuck are you doing?
- Oh, we're having a little fun, Bobby-Boy.
- Well, don't.
- [Noah] Wasn't a fair fight.
Stewie, one more word,
and you throw them out.
- [audience laughs]
- Killjoy.
[Noah] I feel bad
for Moses having to lead
a bunch of Jews through
the desert. What a headache.
[Noah and Midge] No wonder
God gave him two tablets.
[audience laughs]
Ma? Pop? It's me!
Joely! Oh, look at you
and your lazy man's load.
Pop wanted five years
of returns.
And your system
of two separate books
makes it bulkier than I thought.
Put those down. Put those down.
You'll stay
and have something to eat.
- Nah, I should bolt.
- That's not a question.
That's an order.
You're too skinny.
Uh, okay.
Maybe a little something.
Smells good.
Oh, yes.
I made all of your favorites.
Oh, I totally forgot.
Joely, this is Lena Brofmann
from up the street.
She's a teacher at P.S. 144.
- Say hi.
- Hi, Lena.
- Hi, Joel.
- Sweetie, what do you teach again?
Music. Harmony and composition.
And I'm a classical flautist.
- I was going to say.
- Hey, Ma...
Joel owns a music club,
so the two of you
have a lot in common.
Isn't that wonderful?
Come on, both of you.
Sit, sit.
Lena.
- [Lena grunts softly]
- A little more?
Yeah, a little more.
- Joely, sit down.
- [Lena exhales]
The two of you talk,
get to know each other.
Dinner's almost out of the oven.
- [classical music playing] - Ow.
- You okay?
Just someone saying,
"Hi, let me out."
[both chuckle]
Would you excuse me
for a second?
Sure.
- Ma.
- Pretty, right?
You're out of your mind.
I'm not staying.
- Oh, you're staying.
- Why isn't there a back door in this place?
Two minutes ago, you could stay.
What changed?
- Lena Brofmann.
- What?
She's a pretty girl,
a talented musician.
- I wonder if she brought her flout.
- She's pregnant.
- Just a little.
- That kid
- is almost walking.
- Mm, needs salt.
I am not gonna date
a pregnant woman.
Oh, God, no,
there is no time to date.
I'll tell her I'm sick.
- And that you're nuts.
- Joel,
you're a divorced man
with two young children.
You own a nightclub
in Chinatown,
which is impossible to explain.
You can hardly afford
to be choosy.
- Ma...
- You need companionship.
Someone to be with.
A good woman makes a good man.
Where do you think
your father would be without me?
Watch it. Now,
you give me one good reason
why you cannot go out there
and have a nice meal
with that girl.
[sighs]
So...
- How do you like teaching?
- I love it.
Because I love kids.
[cheering and applause]
[David] All right,
everybody give it up
for a very funny man: me.
- [audience laughs]
- But give a little something
to my buddy Frankie Borden, too.
- Nice job, Frankie.
- [cheering and applause]
Frankie Borden should be drawn,
quartered, raped by a zebra.
- Frankie Borden, we hit bottom.
- [David] I've got
a very funny man coming up next.
Goes by the name of Billy Jones.
[cheering and applause]
Thank you. I did not birth him,
but I'll take it.
- [audience laughs] - Billy Jones?
- Holy shit.
They've hit the bottom
of the bottom. Billy Jones.
But before he comes on,
let me fill you in
on some upcoming shows.
There he is.
[Susie] Oh,
he even stands like a hack.
[David] First off,
one night only.
We've got a real treat for you.
- Big Dave is headlining...
- [Midge] Even Billy's
- walking out on his act.
- [Susie chuckles]
Ugh, his terrible act.
- I hear it in my nightmares.
- [David] Catch him before he sneaks out to L.A.
- and out on his tab.
- [audience laughs]
I'll be right back.
- Wait, where are you going?
- [David] Back with us at 9:00
every night this week,
our house favorite,
Jess Clayton, returns
from his latest round
on the Vegas circuit.
If you like
an international contingent,
Wednesday, Thursday, Friday,
- headlining our 7:30 and 9:00 p.m. shows...
- [Susie clears throat]
What's with the grin?
Well, Billy Jones
stepped outside to smoke.
Now, I figure
we got a good ten minutes
before he figures the fuck out
how to walk around the building
- and come back in.
- What?
I locked him out.
[laughs]
You are a little stinker.
- Yeah.
- [David] So, here he comes.
He just got back
from a world tour
if you call the world Scranton.
- [audience laughs]
- Everybody's favorite
except for that wife of his,
Billy Jones!
[cheering and applause]
[chuckles]
Where are you, Billy?
Why you grinning?
[David] Billy Jones!
[cheering and applause continue]
- Thank you, thank you.
- [man] Come on, Billy!
- [woman] Yeah, Billy!
- [man 2] Is this Billy? - [Midge] Whew!
- [man 3] Where's Billy?
- Rough week. Women, huh?
You can't live with 'em,
you can't...
Well, that pretty much
sums it up.
You can't live with 'em.
- [woman laughs]
- Huh?
My wife. Oh, brother.
She saw a psychic who told her
that in a past life,
she was Mary, Queen of Scots.
I said, "Well,
hope you had a good time,
honey, 'cause in this life,
you're Mary, Clean My Socks."
[audience laughs]
- My wife is...
- [man] What the hell?
- She says she wants a job. Can you believe that?
- You think this is funny?
I says to her, "Sweetie,
you got two jobs already
that you never show up for:
hand and blow."
- [women laugh]
- [men grumble, boo]
I dedicate that one
to my man Bobby.
Cut her mic! Cut the spotlight
- and get her off the stage.
- I got to go. Hey, why is it
that my wife always wants to
talk to me during the ball game?
- Oh, shit.
- It's like, honey, if I wanted you to ruin
something enjoyable,
I'd take you to the bedroom.
- [women laugh]
- [woman] Come on!
You didn't bump Birnbaum.
You didn't bump Borden.
- What the fuck is wrong with you?
- Get up and do your act, Billy.
- She just did it!
- But better. And in heels!
[women laugh]
- [Midge chuckles]
- Banned for life.
- The both of you.
- Let go.
You were funny once,
you know that? What happened?
- [Susie laughs]
- What's the matter, Bob?
You like these crap jokes
when Billy does them.
This is a business
of entertainment. You get that?
Our customers don't come here
to watch you make fun of it.
- [Susie blows raspberry]
- They come to have a good time.
- Well, that's all I was doing, Bobby.
- Hey.
Just trying to show people
a good time.
Hey. Hey, buddy.
Save your two bucks.
For a buck 50, I'll give you
a good time right here!
Hey! Come on.
Who here wants a good time?
- Huh?
- Whoa, whoa, what are you doing
- west of 3rd Avenue, honey?
- Oh! What?
- Come on.
- Hey, wait! Wait!
- She's a comedian!
- Yeah, she's hysterical.
[Midge] Hey, wait. Ow!
Fucking here
we fucking go again.
- [Gabe shouts]
- [woman screams]
- Was that a good scream?
- That was a good scream.
- Very good.
- An exhilarating read.
I had to look up
a couple of words here or there.
[chuckles] I was top of my class
at Princeton, Abe.
- I usually know words.
- I can change them.
Let our readers dust off
their dictionaries.
It'll be good for them.
I red-penciled
a couple of tiny things.
No need to stay.
[chuckles]
Great. I'm happy.
Well, this will make you
even happier.
And save us a stamp.
- What is it?
- Your first paycheck.
[chuckles]
My first paycheck. Wonderful.
You want the stamp?
I'll let you have the stamp.
No, I'll skip the stamp.
Thank you, Gabe.
Thank you, Abe.
[Midge] Everything we say to men
goes through some cockeyed
man filter that we don't have.
We say "no," they hear "yes."
We say "stop," they hear "go."
We say,
"You want to have a good time?"
They hear,
"You want to have a good time?"
- [women laugh]
- Same thing, I know,
but they took it
out of fucking context.
- [cop bangs on cell]
- Language, I know.
With me,
it's always about language.
Tonight, I said something,
and I got busted.
But, you see,
it's not about what you say.
It's about
where you happen to be
- when you say what you happen to say.
- [woman] Right on.
And who happens to be around
when you say what you happen
to say where you happen to be.
- You know what I'm saying?
- [Rhonda] Cocaine?
Huh?
What you're in for.
Solicitation.
- In that dress?
- [women chuckle]
Actually, what I'm in for
is daring to say certain words
within earshot
of one Officer fucking Krupke.
Language, I know.
Need a light?
Huh? Thanks, sweetie.
[woman] That girl
need to take, like,
a week's sleep or something.
This your first time?
In jail? God, no.
- You?
- Yeah.
You'll get the hang of it.
I didn't mean...
Never mind.
So, where was I?
Oh, yeah,
did we talk about Bobby yet?
Just Billy Jones.
- And Noah Birnbaum.
- [Midge] Oh,
then I saved the best for last.
- [cop] Miriam Maisel!
- [Midge] Mm.
- You made bail.
- Just give me a second to finish up here.
Bobby.
I mean,
that can't be his fucking hair.
- [bangs on cell]
- [women laugh]
I know it's above and beyond.
It's way the fuck above
and beyond.
You're getting it back.
Or we're walking into an ambush.
It's not an ambush.
She's a sweet, youthful girl,
and she didn't want to call
her parents.
I mean, it's one thing burning
through cash bailing you out,
but bailing out a hooker
I don't even know?
- I'm not a hooker.
- Right,
you're Miss Turnstile 1959.
Oh, I'm glad you said "right."
Make a right on 6th.
I believe her.
She's not wearing underwear.
- Sometimes you got to let things breathe.
- Hey, are we going in circles?
Just two blocks more, 46th.
I actually had a better time
in jail than at that hacky club.
Better lighting, too.
Bobby is a dick.
That club is dead to us.
That's my point, Susie.
I don't want to play the game.
- I'm too old.
- You're not even 30.
I feel ancient.
I just want to stick
to the Gaslight
or the other clubs
in the Village.
Places I can talk. Be me.
Sure.
Stick to the Village,
stick to the basket houses,
but try making a living.
Moneymaking clubs
make their money off alcohol.
I know. I ran the Gaslight.
Without alcohol,
there's no money.
I'll play three shows a night.
Four. Five.
Nothing times five
is still nothing.
Without alcohol,
there's no money.
For either one of us.
- Yeah.
- [Gloria] Hey,
we passed it.
Oy fucking vey.
I always take the subway.
When you get off the A train,
it's two blocks up and one over.
Does that help?
- [jazz music playing]
- [indistinct chatter]
Hey, Mikey.
- [door closes] - I'll be
two shakes of a lamb's tail.
Hey, Bunny. I got arrested!
[Bunny] Good for you.
Coffee. You want some coffee?
- I need some goddamn coffee.
- I'm okay.
[Gloria] Does anybody have a 20?
[woman] Twenty?
What am I, fucking Rockefeller?
[woman 2] Honey,
we're all broke.
[Gloria] I'm two dollars short,
but I've got it all
besides that.
I should've warned you
about the coffee.
[Susie] How would you put it
into words?
[busy chatter]
[woman] Let me borrow
your lipstick.
That color looks better
on me anyway.
- [men whooping]
- [applause]
[music growing louder]
[cheering]
♪ ♪
- [music ends]
- [cheering and applause]
[man whoops]
- You new?
- [man] Hey, yeah!
Let's have a round of applause
for Lana LaRue!
[cheering and applause]
A nice, patriotic young girl.
- I can see that a bunch of you guys are still saluting.
- [drum sting]
- Hey, yeah!
- [man 2] Keep the change, sweetie.
- And keep them coming.
- [man] Hey, nice suit.
Must be a naked cadaver
- in a morgue somewhere.
- [drum sting] - [men chuckle]
Speaking of cadavers,
you've heard of rigor mortis?
I'd kill to be young,
but I didn't know
I'd have to die
- to stay stiff.
- [drum sting]
- [men laugh]
- So, this is my last night
here at the Wolford.
Don't everyone congratulate me
- at once.
- [man 3] Happy retirement!
[man] I'm too in demand
to retire, buddy.
I got a better gig.
- ♪ You'll miss me when
I'm gone ♪ - [men groaning]
♪ Oh, you're gonna
miss me so much ♪♪
Eh, your loss.
So, old Cliff wanted me to stay.
Said he had a plan
to bring in more cash.
A family-friendly night.
Bring the kiddies.
- It's a two-milk minimum.
- [drum sting]
- [men laugh]
- Hey, it's not a bad idea.
- We already got the udders.
- [drum sting]
- [men groan] - So, I'm
looking forward to my next gig.
Crowd's a little more
sophisticated.
Little more mature.
[footsteps approaching]
[Joel exhales]
We got to tell my parents
about us.
[Mei snoring]
I put it off as long as I can.
Does the name Lena Brofmann
mean anything to you?
- [Susie] Hey.
- Whoa, stop.
How the hell did you get in?
I don't know,
complete lack of security?
- What's this?
- The money you lent me
to reimburse the money
I was holding for Midge
- that I kind of... misplaced.
- Gambled away.
What about that guy
at the insurance company?
- He still coming after you?
- Oh, my sister's blowing him
in the office bathroom every day
at lunch, so we're good.
So, that's it.
We are squared away. Hmm?
I am back to square one.
Less than that
after posting bail
for Miriam and that hooker.
Every sentence you speak
is worse than the last one.
Wait.
Don't you ever...
And I mean ever...
Do something shifty
with my wife's money again.
- Ex-wife.
- Don't.
[TV playing indistinctly]
[dishes clattering]
[man] Can I help you?
[man 2] I'd like to see
the man in charge.
[Midge] Mama?
Everything's
on the too high shelf.
I'm not a giraffe. I need
my kitchen the way it should be.
Carry on.
[man] Where
was this murder committed?
[man 2] San Francisco
last night.
[man] Who was murdered?
[man 2] I was.
Papa?
Miriam. Hello.
- How was your night?
- Fine.
I got arrested for prostitution.
[chuckles]
Ah, that's nice.
Everything okay?
Oh, sure. Everything's fine.
Although I do have
a very serious thing
I'd like to discuss
with you. Sit.
- Sit, sit.
- [patting floor]
[slurs] Miriam.
That is not your first glass.
I think it's wrong
that a man should be supported
by his daughter.
It's against the laws
of father-daughter-daughter-dom.
- Okay.
- I got my first paycheck
from the Voice today,
and I'm giving it to you...
The whole thing...
To cover
some household expenses.
- Take it. Take it.
- Papa, really, I...
[Midge exhales]
- This is a full week?
- Yes.
What will it cover?
Honestly?
I insist on full honesty.
An egg?
Eggs are good. So, one egg?
Maybe two.
One short of an omelet.
It could also cover
a certain quantity of salt.
- Half a carrot.
- [chuckles]
You're sure this is a full week?
That is my weekly paycheck,
Miriam.
Did they tell you it was gonna
be this small an amount?
I think so.
I was just so excited
when they hired me,
I may not have been listening.
I should've taken that stamp.
- That what?
- Nothing.
Join me.
- You know what the irony is about this whole thing?
- Mm.
The job.
It's great. I mean...
it's really great.
I like these people.
They're different.
Smart but... looser.
And it's the funniest thing.
Yeah?
They seem to like me.
Everyone likes you.
No one at Columbia liked me.
Oh, look at this.
- Wow. It's you! Frame that.
- [chuckles]
No. I can't afford framing.
It'll buy more than enough.
I was joking.
But what can the government buy
with the...
96 cents of taxes
they withheld, huh?
Let's see. A fighter jet?
Nah. They're, like,
a buck something.
- Some staples.
- But not the stapler.
- That's gonna take a while
longer. [laughing] - [chuckles]
Okay, Papa,
I know this is a shock,
but look at it this way.
You are doing something
that you love.
Yeah.
The both of us.
Pursuing our art.
Although
one of us pursuing banking
- would've been smart.
- Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Are you sure
you can handle all this?
To art.
To art.
[♪ 10cc: "Art for Art's Sake"]
♪ Gimme your body ♪
♪ Gimme your mind ♪
♪ Open your heart ♪
♪ Pull down your blind ♪
♪ Gimme your love ♪
♪ Gimme it all ♪
♪ Gimme in the kitchen,
gimme in the hall ♪
♪ Art for art's sake ♪
♪ Money for God's sake ♪
♪ Art for art's sake ♪
♪ Money for God's sake ♪
♪ Money talks, so listen to it ♪
♪ Money talks to me ♪
♪ Anyone can understand it ♪
♪ Money can't be beat ♪
♪ Oh, no ♪
♪ When you get down,
down to the root ♪
♪ Don't give a damn,
don't give a hoot ♪
♪ Still gotta keep makin'
the loot ♪
♪ Chauffeur driven ♪
♪ Gotta make her
quick as you can ♪
♪ Give her lovin',
make you a man ♪
♪ Get her in the palm
of your hand ♪
♪ Bread from heaven ♪
♪ Keep me in exile
the rest of my days ♪
♪ Burn me in hell
but as long as it pays ♪
♪ Art for art's sake ♪
♪ Money for God's sake ♪
♪ Art for art's sake ♪
♪ Money for God's sake ♪♪
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