The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

[chatter]

[tapping on glass]

Shh!

Woman: Who gives a toast
at her own wedding?

I mean, who does that?

Who stands in the middle
of a ballroom

after three glasses
of champagne

on a completely
empty stomach--

and I mean completely empty

because fitting
into this dress

required no solid food
for three straight weeks.



Who does that?

I do.

This day is perfect.

It's like a dream--

or a nightmare
if you're my father.

"How much for the flowers?"

"Who eats mushroom caps?"

"Do the caterers have any idea

what the Jews just went
through a few years ago?"

Two cakes,
one for eating.

- We're very happy.
- [laughter]

This day has been
long in planning.

Anyone who knows me
knows I plan.

At 6 I decided
Russian literature
would be my major.



At 12 I found
my signature haircut.

At 13 I announced

I was going
to Bryn Mawr College.

In Katharine Hepburn's
old room.

From Day 1 I knew

that decision
was a charmed one.

♪ Did you say ♪

♪ I've got a lot to learn? ♪

First of all, my roommate
Petra was friendly and fat,

which was perfect. I'll
have someone to eat with

who won't steal my boyfriend.

It smells so good.
[giggling]

The campus
was old and elegant,

with ivy-covered buildings
and stained glass windows

and...

Monogrammed butter pats.

What? [gasp] Oh.

This was a magical place

where butter was beautiful

and I would solve
the mysteries of the universe

and meet brilliant women,
kindred spirits

who would explore this
brave new world with me.

Ooh! My God,
it's burning.

It's supposed to.
It's bleach.

It's awful.
I hate you for this.

- It was your idea.
- Never listen to me.

I'm nuts.

Why aren't you in pain?

I'm from Kansas.

I don't know
what that means.

- How much longer?
- Ten minutes.

Oh, Jiminy Crickets.

Where are you going?
Where is she going?

I don't know.

Midge. Midge?

Midge!

- How much longer?
- Nine minutes!

- Holy fucking Christ balls!
- [laughter]

But all of these
marvelous adventures

were simply the preamble
to my ultimate destiny.

I was going to meet a man--

a perfect man.

He would be 6'4" and blond,

and his name would be
Dashiell or Stafford or--

Joel. Joel Maisel.

Best buildup
since Iceman Cometh.

Joel Maisel was my knight
in shining armor,

a gift from God,

and he thought
I was brilliant.

He took me to galleries
and poetry readings

and Greek dramas.

[wolf whistle]

[wolf whistle]

Uh, excuse me.
Excuse me, Miss.

Thanks, toots.

Man:
Honey, don't go away.

She's going
to need that.

[laughing]

That was Misty Dream,
ladies and gentlemen.

You know, she's only 18--

in dog years.

Anyway, I'll leave the jokes
to our next performer.

He's fresh out
of the Merchant Marines

or some patriotic
shit like that.

And, uh,
let's hear it for him--

Lenny Bruce.

This is the guy
I wanted you to see.

No way he's funnier
than Misty.

Thank you.

And so I was
reading the paper,

and, uh, there was a story.

These kids-- uh,
8- and 9-year-old--

were sniffing airplane glue
to get high on.

These kids are responsible
for turning musicians on

to a lot of things they
never knew about, actually.

Then I had a fantasy
of how it happened.

The kid is alone in his room.

It's Saturday.

The kid is played
by George Macready.

[sniffing]

[as George Macready]
Well, let's see now.

I'm all alone in a room,
and it's Saturday.

I'll make an airplane.
That's what I'll do.

I'll make a Lancaster.

Good structural design.

I'll get the balsa wood here.

I'll cut it out.
I'll sand it down.

Add a little airplane glue.

I'll rub it
on a rag and, uh--

[sniff]

- Hey now.
- [laughter]

I'm getting loaded.

Midge: Oh, the things
Joel taught me.

You know what I want?

Please don't say a virgin.

I want
to make you laugh

every day
of your life.

Oh, great,
but not now, though.

- No, no, not now.
- Mm-mm.

I have been very lucky.

I have wonderful parents.

I've had a very
comfortable life,

and though I knew
that love would be great,

I had no idea
it would be anything

that could justify what I
paid for this dress.

What I paid for that
dress. We're very happy.

And because it's better

than anything
I could have imagined,

I thought I should
get up here today

and tell all of you
that I love this man.

[clapping]

And yes, there is shrimp
in the egg rolls.

- [gasping]
- [glass shatters]

Miriam.

[murmuring]

Excuse me.
We have a problem.

Rabbi, she's kidding.

[arguing]

You show me in the Bible

where God says
you can't eat shrimp.

Leviticus. Whatever does
not have fins or scales,

- you shall not eat.
- But did He say shrimp?

Cyril Ritchard: ♪ We were
in for a wonderful day ♪

♪ As I told you before ♪

♪ When I saw what I saw ♪

♪ I was terribly
tempted to say ♪

♪ On a wonderful day
like today ♪

♪ I defy any cloud
to appear in the sky ♪

♪ Dare any raindrop
to pop in my eye ♪

♪ On a wonderful day
like today ♪

♪ On a wonderful
morning like this ♪

♪ When the sun is as big... ♪

Lefty, we got the rabbi.

Hmm? How? When?

We heard today.
My mother fainted,

then called four people,
then fainted again.

This year, on Yom Kippur,

Rabbi Krinsky
will be breaking fast

- at our house.
- You're gonna need some lamb.

Rabbi loves his lamb.

Excuse me.
I'm in the middle
of an order here.

- I'm so sorry.
What were you getting?
- Pork chops.

Put her pork chops
on my tab.

Oh, I can't believe it.

The rabbi's been mad
at us since the wedding.

It only took four years
of apologies

and a dreidel signed
by Sammy Davis Jr.,

but we finally
got the bastard.

- Disgraceful.
- You like your
free pork chops?

- Zip it, then.
- Delivery Thursday?

After 10.

I grabbed a couple
of black and whites.

♪ May I take this
occasion to say ♪

We got the rabbi!

♪ That the whole human race ♪

♪ Should go down
on its knees ♪

♪ Show that they're grateful
for mornings like these ♪

♪ For the world's
in a wonderful way ♪

Antonio, I bought you
a black and white.

Oh, thank you,
Mrs. Maisel.

Jerry, nice tie.

Got you a black and white.

chorus:
♪ When the sun is as big ♪

♪ As a yellow balloon ♪

- ♪ Even the sparrows ♪
- Thank you, Jerry.

♪ Are singing in tune ♪

♪ On a wonderful
morning like this ♪

Ritchard:
♪ On a wonderful day ♪

♪ Day like today ♪

Perfect. You are perfect.

[phone rings]

- [ring]
- Hello.

You tell everyone
about the rabbi?

What am I, a braggart?
Please. How's work?

I believe something
got sold today.

- Hmm.
- How's the brisket?

I'm buying it a sash
and a crown.

Good. We'll need it.

I got a terrible stage time
for tonight: 1:45.

- Yikes.
- I bowed out of
my lunch meeting

and got downtown
as quickly as I could.

But that guy who runs
the Gaslight--

Baz. You must
learn his name.

Fine. Baz still gave me
the crappiest time.

- He hates me.
- Don't worry. We'll fix it.

He doesn't see me
as a real comedian.

I mean, I'm not
a real comedian yet,

but if he'd just
give me a better time--

- We will fix it.
- 1:45.

No one is there at 1:45.

They're not?
Well, then we'll fix it.

I don't know what I'd
do without you.

- Go on at 1:45.
- Bye.

So the waiter says,
"Fine. I'll try it."

He looks at the bowl

and says "Where the hell
is the spoon?"

And the customer
says "Aha."

So he didn't
bring him a spoon.

[laughing]

And that's why he
didn't eat the soup.

No spoon.

Well, you can't eat
a soup with no spoon.

Oh, boy. That's
a good joke there.

Uh-huh. Penny,
can you walk Mitchell
down to Al's office?

- Of course.
- Al can take you
through the specs.

Okay. Boy, I'll be laughing
about that spoon for a week.

[laughing]

Oi.

I saw Funt
heading down the hall.

I sent him over to Al's
office. He's fine.

You heading down
to the Village tonight?

Midge will be here
any minute.

Joel Maisel,
king of comedy.

All right, all right.

You know, Imogene's dying
to see your act.

I told her
I don't know why.

I see you acting
ridiculous all day long.

Very amusing.
Can I use that?

Seriously,
when can we come?

I have a cab
waiting downstairs.

- Hi, Archie.
- Why'd you have him wait?

We could have taken
another cab.

I know, but the driver's having
trouble with his marriage,

and I hated to send him
off like that.

So I'll come next week?

Next week. Why not?

Bye, Archie.

Good night, Penny.

Good night.

Barbra Streisand:
♪ If you want to buy a kite ♪

♪ Or a pup to keep you
up at night ♪

♪ Or a dwarf who used
to know Snow White ♪

♪ Or a frog
who loves to sing ♪

♪ Come to the supermarket
in old Peking ♪

♪ If you want
a bust of jade ♪

♪ Or an egg that's
more or less decayed ♪

♪ Or in case you'd
care to meet a maid ♪

♪ For a nice
but naughty fling ♪

♪ Come to the supermarket
in old Peking ♪

♪ They have bird nest soup,
seaweed soup ♪

♪ Noodle soup, poodle soup ♪

♪ Talking crows
with the croup ♪

♪ Almost anything ♪

♪ If you want to buy a saw ♪

♪ Or a fish delicious
when it's raw ♪

♪ Or a pill to kill
your mother-in-law ♪

♪ Or a bee without a sting ♪

♪ Come to the supermarket ♪

♪ If you come on a turtle,
you can park it ♪

♪ So come
to the supermarket ♪

♪ If you come on a goose,
you can park it ♪

♪ So come
to the supermarket ♪

♪ And see ♪

♪ Peking ♪

- ♪♪[rhythm section]
- [chatter]

♪ Some people say
man is made out of mud ♪

♪A poor man's made
out of muscle and blood ♪

♪ Muscle and blood
and skin and bone ♪

♪ A mind that's weak
and a back that's strong ♪

- ♪ You load 16 tons... ♪
- Packed house.

Yeah, it won't be at 1:45.

Oi, my God,
with the one-track mind.

Go. Sit.
Let the master work.

- [phone rings]
- ♪Don't you call me
'cause I can't go ♪

- [ring]
- ♪I owe my soul ♪

♪ To the company store ♪

- waitress: Coming right up.
- [ring]

Fuck!

[ring]

What? Gaslight. What?

Yes. We're open.

Don't know.
When everyone's gone.

Dr. Salk should find
a vaccine for morons.

Yes?

I'm looking for Baz.

Shitter,
back on the right.

I'll wait till he's done.

That the brisket?

It's for Baz.

We pay
the coffee guy?

- Yes.
- Where in here
does it say that?

Jesus Christ, Baz.

Hello, Midge. Is that--

I made my brisket.

So I'm guessing
your husband doesn't like

his time slot tonight.

No, he loves his time slot.

He loves any time slot.

There's just a tiny problem.

Our daughter is sick.

Earache,
And 1:45 is just so late.

I didn't know what to do.
I thought--

Didn't your son have
the measles last week?

What? Uh, yes. Yes, he did.

And the week before that,
your mother had rickets?

Yes. So painful.

And last month,

your sister-in-law
broke her toe.

Your brother
threw out his back.

That's a lot of
health issues.

Your family might want
to eat some fruit.

I'll take that
into consideration.

Okay. 10:30.

Next time,
I'd like some latkes.

I make great latkes,
genius latkes.

You won't be sorry.

♪ Saint Peter,
don't you call me ♪

- ♪'cause I can't go ♪
- Pussy.

♪ I owe my soul
to the company store ♪

10:30.

You're kidding.

Mm-hmm. Where's my kiss?

I should be kissing
the brisket.

[giggling]

♪ A lot of men didn't,
a lot-- ♪

The next act up

is a nice clean-cut
young man,

somebody
your mother would love.

He's a comedian.

Give a big hand
for Joel Maisel.

Thanks a lot.

So many of you
may have read the book

The Hidden Persuaders.

It's about Madison Avenue's
marketing men

and how they create
the public personas

we all learn to know
and trust and vote for.

[light laughter]

Well, what if,

during the Civil War,

there was no Lincoln?

What if they
had to create him?

[laughter]

This is a telephone
conversation

between Abe Lincoln
and his press agent

just before Gettysburg.

Hi, Abe, sweetheart.
How are you, kid?

[laughter]

How's Gettysburg?

Sort of a drag, huh?

Well, Abe, you know

them small
Pennsylvania towns--

you seen one,
you seen them all.

What's the problem?

You're thinking
of shaving it off?

Uh, Abe,

don't you see
that's part of the image?

Right, with the shawl
and the stove pipe hat

and the string tie.

You don't have the shawl?

[laughter]

Where's the shawl, Abe?

You left it in Washington?

What are you wearing, Abe?

A sort of cardigan?

Abe, don't you see
that doesn't go

with the string tie and beard?

[laughter]

Abe, would you
leave the beard on

- and get the shawl, huh?
- [laughter]

All right, now, Abe,
you got your speech, right?

Abe, you haven't changed
the speech, have you?

$3.30
and one subway token.

I'll take that token.

Tonight was great.
I killed.

I had a good time,
so I killed.

I need an audience.
I feed off an audience.

I finished, people
started to leave.
Did you see that?

I almost left myself.

10:30. Perfect slot.

Give me that slot
again next time.

Hey. here.

Saw your act.

Don't forget the latkes.

Who's that guy?

She works there.

Heh heh.
Only in the Village.

Taxi!

You got three
more laughs tonight

than you did last time,

and a couple of extra,
like, laughlets.

But what you were
shaking your head for?

- Hmm?
- Nothing. You were great.

I was great.

You know,

you don't really say
hello to the audience.

Maybe you should
write a beginning,

something that says
who you are or something.

What do you think?

[snoring]

Good evening. What a nice...

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you for the nice--
nice--

"Nice" is a bad, bad word.

All that applause for me?

What am I,
putting out after?

One standing ovation,
everyone goes home pregnant.

Maybe you could do
impressions to start.

You do a great one
of my aunt Bertha

ordering dinner.

"A garnish can be
festive but deadly."

Good night, Gracie.

Good night, Gracie.

[snoring]

[water running]

[water running]

[alarm buzzes]

[stop]

Hey.

Good morning.

[yawn]

Did the alarm go off?

It sure did.

Wow. I didn't hear it
at all.

You never do.

Peggy Lee:
♪ Yes, it's a good day ♪

♪ For singin' a song ♪

♪ And it's a good day ♪

♪ For movin' along ♪

- ♪ Yes, it's a good day ♪
- [buzz]

♪ How could anything
be wrong? ♪

♪ A good day
from mornin' till night ♪

- Good morning, Jerry.
- Good morning, Mrs. Maisel.

♪ For shining your shoes ♪

♪ And it's a good day ♪

♪ For losin' the blues ♪

- ♪ Everything to gain ♪
- Thanks, Jerry.

♪ Nothin' to lose ♪

♪ A good day
from mornin' till night ♪

Hello. It's me.

Good morning, Miss Miriam.
Can I get you some coffee?

Oh, yes, Zelda, please.

- Good morning, Papa.
- Mm.

Good morning, Ethan.

Good morning, Ethan.

Ethan. Ethan. Ethan.

E-- Never mind.

- Here you are.
- Did you get coffee?

Yes, and a great welcome
from my son.

- Men.
- Thanks for taking
the kids last night.

Were they okay?

We need to talk
about the baby.

Why? What's
the matter with her?

That forehead
is not improving.

- What? Are you sure?
- It's getting bigger.

The whole face will be
out of proportion.

Look at the nose.
It's elongating now.

The nose is not the problem.
The nose you can fix.

But this gigantic forehead.

Ma, there's always
bangs.

I'm just afraid she's
not a very pretty girl.

- Mama, she's a baby.
- I just want her to be happy.

It's easier to be happy
when you're pretty.

[crying]

You're right.
Bangs will help.

Mm-hmm.

Zelda, don't clean in here.
It's fine just the way it is.

How did Joel's
little show go?

It went very well.

I still don't understand
this whole thing.

Whom is he performing for?

- Anyone who shows up.
- And they pay you?

They pass around a basket
at the end of your set,

and whatever's in it
you get to take home.

If you need money,
we can give you money.

No, we don't need money.

Joel is funny, and he
likes to do his comedy.

How long are you going
to be doing this,

running around at night,

taking money from strangers
like a schnorrer?

As long as it's fun.

Six to nine more months
left on those arms.

Really? I've been
doing those exercises

with the soup cans.

Forget the cans.
Buy a bolero.

How did you get in here?

Zelda: I came through
the other door.

Just because there is a door

does not mean you use it.

A door does not represent
infinite possibilities.

Is everything
ordered for next week?

Yes, all done. Ethan,
put your coat on.

You have a whole
apartment to clean.

Just leave this room
the way it is.

I thought we'd do
dinner at your place.

Your dining room's
bigger than ours.

Our dining room is fine.

If you don't
entertain, it's fine.

I'll call you later.
Bye, Papa.

Clean the bathroom.
Clean the bathroom.

- Say goodbye, Ethan.
- You love bathrooms.

Ethan. Ethan.

- Clean them again.
- Ethan. E--

Never mind.

♪ For fun it's
the premium one ♪

She's going on and on
about this miracle treatment

she had done in Mexico.

It involved goat's milk
and avocadoes.

Right ankle 8,
left ankle 8.

They smear it
on your face,

wrap a hot towel
around your head,

and stick two straws
up your nose.

Right calf 11,
left calf 11.

So you can breathe
through the straws.

Then they put you on a boat
and row you out to sea--

Right thigh 18.

And they
drop the anchor,

and you sit there
for four hours.

Right thigh 18 1/2.

- Then they row you back in--
- Hips 34.

- And they scrape you down--
- Waist 25.

...slap you in the face
with old banana skins--

- Bust 32.
- ...charge you $75,
and send you home.

She thinks she looks 20.
I think she looks the same.

Mm.

God, you are
so proportional.

How long have you been
measuring yourself like this?

Every day for ten years.

- Even when you were pregnant?
- Mm.

There's not enough
Daiquiris in the world.

...Chicago, one of
the great comedy--

[door opens]

...recording stars
in the country--

Bob Newhart.
So let's hear it--

There you are.
Are you hungry?
I made curry,

and I ordered Chinese
in case it's awful.

I'm sure it's fine.
Did we have children?

They're upstairs.

- Hi, Imogene.
- Hey, Joel.

Did you hear
we're coming downtown

to see you
tomorrow night?

We haven't been
below 14th in months.

We're very excited.

Don't except too much.

Oh, you'd better
be great.

I'm going to wear a beret.

- See you tomorrow.
- Bye.

- Mwah. Goodbye, Joel.
- Bye.

Ah, the curry's terrible. We'll
have the takeout.

Bob Newhart:
You've seen one,
you've seen them all.

[chuckling]

Right. Uh, listen, Abe,

I got--
What's the problem?

Y-You're thinking
of shaving it off?

[laughter]

Uh, Abe,

don't you see that's
part of the image?

Right, with the shawl
and the stove pipe hat

and the string tie.

You don't have the shawl?

[laughter]

Uh, where's
the shawl, Abe?

Joel?

Joel.

You're not gonna believe this.

Bob Newhart
is doing your act.

- What?
- Bob Newhart.

He's on "Ed Sullivan."
He's doing your act.

He must have come
to the club one night

and seen you perform,

and now
he's on television

doing it
just like you do.

Well, different because
he does it faster,

which is better,
actually,

but that's
besides the point.

I'm mad. Aren't you mad?

Midge, relax.

You're not mad.

No.

Or stunned.

Not even mildly bemused?

It's his act.

What?

Are you gonna put the rest
of this on a platter?

How is it his act?
How do you know his act?

I've got his record.

So you stole
Bob Newhart's act.

It's fine.
Everybody does it.

Everybody steals his act?

Yes.

No. Not steals.

Borrows.
It's no big deal.

It's not? When I found out

June Freedman
used my meatloaf recipe,

I almost stabbed her
in the eye with a fork.

Everybody in comedy
steals--

Borrows.

Borrows everybody
else's jokes,

especially
at the beginning.

Bob Newhart probably used
Henny Youngman's stuff

when he started.

- It's how it's done.
- Oh.

Well, if that's
how it's done.

It is.

I thought
you'd written it--

that act.

I feel a little silly now.

Well, I did
put my spin on it.

Yes. You slowed it down.

And my inflection
is different.

Right.
I'm new to this, so--

You'll learn.

I guess I will.

You want a drink?

Sure.

Guess I'd better go apologize
to June Freedman now.

[phone rings]

- Hello.
- How's the brisket?

-Is it okay?
-Do you know something I don't?

Just answer
the question, Midge.

Yes. It's fine.
What's the matter?

I had to work
straight through lunch,

so I couldn't go downtown
to get a time for tonight.

- Tonight, you understand?
- Tonight. Yes, I understand.

Archie and Imogene
are coming, remember?

Of course I remember.

They're coming tonight,

and I don't have a time.

You know what?
Cancel them.
Tell them I'm sick.

They've got a babysitter.
It's all arranged.

I should have changed
that lunch, damn it.

Joel, come on.
I promise you'll get on.

I'll bring the brisket.
I'll do my thing.

Everything will be fine, okay?

- Okay.
- Hey.

Remember
this whole comedy thing,

it's supposed to be fun.

That's why we do it, right?

Right. Well,
you'll have to bring me

my show sweater.
I left it at home.

- I can do that.
- And you have to be
here right at 8.

I will be on time.

Okay. I should go.

[exhale]

Huh.

Your daddy is crazy.

Now let's measure
that forehead.

Pull over here.
I'll just be a minute.

Oh, geez.

Where the hell have you been?

- It's 8:30.
- I know. I'm sorry.

Go. Go, go.

- Do you have my sweater?
- Yes.

You didn't have
to stand out there.

I would have come up.

You get here at 8,
you come up.

Are you kidding me?

- What?
- Holes.

- Holes everywhere.
- What?

I can't believe
you didn't look at it

before you left
the house.

I was in a hurry to meet you.
You can hardly see them.

Hardly see? Look, look.

A hole here, a hole here,
two holes here.

I mean,
how does this happen?

It was probably a moth.

- A moth?
- Yes.

What moth?

Ted. Ted the Moth.

Dime-sized holes,
that's his signature.

- You think this is funny?
- I think it doesn't matter.

Going on stage with holes
in my shirt like a bum.

It's downtown. If you
have underwear on,
you're overdressed.

Hey, why don't you
talk about it?

- About what?
- About your sweater.

You know, joke about it
in your act.

It'll be fun,
personal, yours.

I don't know.

Oh, great. They're here.

Okay, why don't you
go join them,

have a cup of coffee,
calm down?

I'll go deal
with this, okay?

Yeah, fine. Hurry.

Mm-hmm.

Excuse me.
Is Baz around?

Nope.

Excuse me.

Um, do you see my husband
Joel Maisel over there?

Okay. He couldn't
get away from work

to come down here earlier
for a time to perform.

He's a comedian.

Anyhow, it was
a crazy day at work,

and, see, tonight
our best friends are here--

- the Clearys, and--
- Wait a minute.

The Clearys are here?

You're kidding me.
Where?

Over there.

Well, I will be damned.

Well, that is exciting.
The Clearys are here.

Wow.

Anyhow,

I was wondering
if you could find a way

to give my husband
a better time--

preferably before 11:30.

Why isn't he over here?

- What?
- Mr. Saturday Night.

Why isn't he
asking for the time?

Why are you asking
for the time?

Well, I have the brisket.

So...

anything you can do
would be great.

So thanks.

That looks
like Allen Ginsberg.

Imogene, doesn't that look
like Allen Ginsberg?

Everyone here looks
like Allen Ginsberg.

- Hey, there, kitten.
- Hi.

This place
is perfectly filthy.

You should see
the bathroom.

Don't go in the bathroom.

Well, now I'm definitely
going in the bathroom.

[Archie, Midge laugh]

- Oh.
- Archie: No, no. I got this.

A starving artist
never pays.

I'm not
a starving artist.

Your sweater
tells another story.

Here you go.

So? What did he say?

Uh, he wasn't there,

but the lady said
she'd work it out.

[tuning up]

Man: Now who here
likes hillbilly polka?

All right, next up, a lady

fresh off some boat
from somewhere.

When the hell
am I going on?

I don't know. Soon.

Janet Shaw.

Woman: All right.

This poem is about...

Spokane.

Spokane...

Spokane.

Spokane.

Man.

[whisper]
I'll be right back.

Rumble of lumber trucks.

Spokane.

- Where is she?
- Who?

The one who looks like
she lives under a bridge.

Oh. Susie. She went out.

Do you know where?

God, no. Who would ask?

Poet:
Robbers of the indigenous.

- Any minute now.
- Spokane.

Kitten, we're
going to have to
take a rain check.

Oh, it was a blast, though.

Oh, no, wait-- wait
just a few minutes.

We got to head
home, too.

- We can't leave.
- I have an early
morning meeting.

I say
we just tell everybody
it was Allen Ginsberg.

- You're up.
- [gasp]

What? What did he say?

I think she said you're up.

Imogene: Oh, goodie.

Man.

[applause]

Emcee:
Thank you, Janet Shaw.

Don't need to go
to Spokane now.

All right, up next,
we have a comedian.

That's you. Go. Be funny.

- [giggling]
- Joel Maisel.

Whoo!

Thank you. Thanks a lot.

So exciting.
[giggling]

So...

my sweater...

It's a new sweater,

but I asked my wife
to bring it to me

because I work during the day,

so she does, and I put it on.

Holes.

Holes in my sweater.

So I asked,
"How did this happen?"

And she says "Moths."

And I'm like,
"Moths? What moths?"

And she says "Ted."

"Ted the Moth."

[audience member
coughing]

[whisper]
He's very avant garde.

Th-That was just--
That was just something

that, uh...happened.

[door closes]

Okay. So, uh, uh...

anyhow, this is, uh,

a press agent talking
to Abe Lincoln.

Hi, Abe, sweetheart.
How's Gettys--

Sorry. Did-- Did any
of you read the book

The Hidden Persuaders?

It's about marketing agents,

and they had to
create Abe Lincoln.

[coughing]

I mean, if they had
to create Abe Lincoln.

The book's not about that.

Uh...this-- this bit--

Anyhow--

Hi, Abe, sweetheart.
How's Gettysburg?

Kind of a drag, huh?

Well, Abe, you know them
small Pennsylvania towns--

you seen one,
you seem them all.

What's the problem?

You're thinking
of shaving it off?

[toilet flushes]

Uh, Abe, don't you see?

That's, uh-- That doesn't go
with the string tie and b--

Don't you see that's
part of the image?

Right, with the shawl
and the stove pipe hat
and the string tie.

You told me to talk
about my sweater.

I know.

I just thought
you'd put it

into some sort of
joke form or something.

Sorry.

Don't.

Can I get you anything?

What are you doing?

I have to go.

I have to leave.

You.
I have to leave you.

That's my suitcase.

It is?

You going to leave me
with my suitcase?

Joel,
tomorrow's Yom Kippur.

I'm-- I'm--
I'm not happy.

Nobody's happy.
It's Yom Kippur.

I don't know
how to do this.

I'm not good
at things like this.

Things like what?
Like leaving me?

- Yes.
- So don't. Practice a little.

Try it again when you feel
more confident about the moves.

- Midge--
- Joel, the rabbi is coming.

Yeah. I know he is.

Five years we've been
trying to get the rabbi,

and this year we got him.
We got the rabbi.

I should go.

No. P-Please.
I don't understand.

I thought my life was going
to be something different.

I thought I was going
to be someone different,

but tonight was
just so terrible.

I mean, a whole room
full of people
just watching me bomb.

It was one stupid night.

And I'm up there dying,

and I'm thinking
about last week.

We're in temple,
and the rabbi tells

that stupid Sodom
and Gomorrah joke,

and suddenly the whole
synagogue goes nuts.

- So?
- He got more laughs
in five minutes

than I did in five months.

You're jealous of the rabbi?

He was in Buchenwald.
Throw him a bone.

Did you ever think you were
supposed to be something,

and, uh, and you suddenly
realize you're not?

Yes. Married.

- That's good. You're good.
- Joel, please.

I'm never going
to be a professional
comedian, Midge. Never.

No, of course not.

What do you mean,
of course not?

What do you mean,
what do I mean?

What did you think
all those nights
at the club were?

I thought they were fun.

I thought they were
our fun couples thing,

like how the Morgensterns
play golf

or how the Meyers
ballroom dance

or how the Levins
pretend they're from
Warsaw once a week

to get 10% off
of that Polish restaurant

- that does Kielbasa Night.
- I can't believe this.

I never knew you were
serious about it.

Of course I was serious,
Miriam.

What the hell ever made you
think I wasn't serious?

Well, for starters, you were
doing someone else's act.

I told you, everybody
does that when they start.

If you wanted
to be a comedian,

you should have
at least written a joke.

I tried
with the Ted thing.

- I wrote the Ted thing.
- And it bombed.

- Because you killed it.
- Oh, forget it.

Joel, come on.
You have a job.

Yet the comedy
was a dream.

Do you know
what a dream is?

A dream is what
keeps you going

in a job you hate.

Since when do you
hate your job?

Do you know what I do,
Midge?

You're
the vice president of--

No, no, no, no.

Do you know what I do
every day?

Day in and day out,

what the actual
physical machinations

of my job are?

- No.
- Neither do I!

I take meetings.
I take phone calls.

I shuffle paper around,

and I have no idea

of what the hell
I actually do.

Maybe if you did,
you'd like it more.

I just thought,

with the brisket
and the notebook,

I thought you understood.

I'm sorry.

Yeah. Me, too.

But, Joel,
you can't just leave.

I love you.

We have a home.
We have children.

- They're going to notice.
- I have to go.

No, no, no. Wait.
I will be better.

I will do better. I-- I'll--
I'll pay more attention.

You can quit your job.

We can go to the club
every single night,

and I'll buy more notebooks.

I've been having an affair.

It's been
going on for months.

I thought it was
a phase, but now--

Who?

Penny.

Your secretary.

You're leaving me for a girl

who can't figure out
how to sharpen pencils?

It's not about her,
and it was a new sharpener.

It was electric.
All she had to do was push.

Don't you understand?
I need to start over.

With her? She wins?

It's not a contest.

I just don't want
this life,

this whole
upper West Side,

classic six,
best seats in temple.

Wife, two kids.

I just don't...

want it.

So you'll tell
your parents for me?

Oh, that might be
the funniest thing
you've ever said.

- Honey--
- Tomorrow is Yom Kippur.

I have 30 people
and a rabbi

coming over
for break fast,

and this is the moment
you decide

to tell me you're going
to ride off into the sunset

with your half-wit secretary.

Can I just say

that you have
the worst timing ever?

I'm sorry.

Go on. Get out.

Grab some pens
on your way out.

You're going to need them.

♪♪ [Woman singing in French]

Jerry: Good evening,
Mr. Maisel.

Going on a trip?

Papa.

Rose.

Papa.

Rose.

Papa, wait.
I-- I just--

- Rose!
- I'm here. My God.

What are you wearing?
It's not thinning.

I have something to tell you.

You should both sit.

Joel left.

He packed up my suitcase,

and he left.

He's gone.

Joel left you?

Yes.

Why? What did you do?

Nothing. I didn't do anything.

He's-- He's in love
with his secretary.

Did you know this?
Did you know he was
having an affair?

- Of course I didn't know.
- [loud clatter]

- God.
- The girl, is she--

Oh, my God.
Is she pregnant?

- [loud clatter]
- Shit.

Did you talk like that
around him?

Did you
use sailor talk?

No, I didn't use
sailor talk.

- [loud clatter]
- A man doesn't leave

unless the girlfriend
is pregnant.

What the hell
is he doing in there?

- He's mad.
- At me?

- Shh. They'll hear.
- Who'll hear?

- Them. Them.
- Who is them?

- [sobbing]
- Oh, God, Mama.

- ♪♪[piano]
- Papa.

Papa.

Why are you mad?
I didn't do anything wrong.

When I agreed to send you

to that fancy
goyische college,

what was the one
thing I told you?

They'll
have terrible deli?

The important thing
I told you.

That was about deli, too.

The other important
thing I told you!

Don't pick a weak man.

Ah.

[Rose sobbing]

This isn't my fault!

Of course
it's your fault.

Rose: Oh, shit!

Mama,
please stop crying.

Everything we
bring on ourselves
is our own fault.

He was a good husband.
He was a good provider.

What are you
going to do now?

What are your children
going to do?

- [sobbing continues]
- Mama, for the love of God,

please stop crying
in that bedroom!

This isn't fair.

[sobbing] Oh, no!

Much better. Thanks.

Life isn't fair.
It's hard and cruel.

You have to pick your friends
as if there's a war going on.

You want a husband
who'll take a bullet for you,

not one who points
to the attic

and says
"They're up there."

How can you say that
about Joel?

- You liked him.
- I knew what he was.

Why didn't you
tell me, then?

- I did tell you!
- When did you tell me?

When you first
came home with him.

That night.
I looked at you.

I asked, "Is this the choice?"

And you said yes.

That was telling me?

I have to spell it out
for you?

Joel's sick.
Everything's fine.

Not a word of this
to the rabbi.

I'm going to take a bath.

You listen to me, Miriam.

You are a child.
You cannot survive this.

Now, I am no fan of Joel's,
but you need a husband.

And those children
need a father.

What am I supposed to do,
go buy one at Zaybar's?

You fix your face.
Put on his favorite dress.

Then you go out, find him,
and make him come back home.

[thunder rumbles]

Mrs. Maisel,
you all right?

- Do you need a cab?
- Nope.

Gonna take the subway.

It's miserable out here.

It's miserable
in there, too.

Man: See,
the eternal war is here.

O victory,
forget your underwear.

We're free.

I'm--

I left my Pyrex here.
I'd like it back.

- Your what?
- Pyrex. My Pyrex.

- Nope.
- It's a Pyrex.

- Yeah, you keep saying that.
- Pyrex.

It's a glass baking dish,
very durable.

It can go from hot to cold
without cracking.

We don't serve food here.

I know. It's not yours.

It's mine. I brought it here.

- Why?
- I made a brisket f--

Is that really
important right now?

My dish is here.
I'd like it back.

Can you make that happen?

[sigh] This place
gets so weird late.

- [applause]
- Emcee: That was deep,

Christian, I think.
Who knows?

Okay, next up. Uh...

folks, just sit tight.
I'll be right back.

Bonnie, where's my set list?

[chatter]

So this is it, huh?

This is the dream--
standing up here

on this filthy,
sticky stage all alone.

Couldn't have that,
you didn't want me.

Was that it, Joel?

Woman: Who's Joel?

What?

Who's Joel?

My husband.

Man: we can't hear you.

Woman: Oh. Shh, shh, shh.

Sorry.

Joel is my husband
of four years,

and tonight he left.

Man: Whoo!

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Yep. He left-- Joel.

Left. He packed up
my suitcase and left.

Oh, I'm going to have
to lie to the rabbi

about
why Joel's not there.

Lying to the rabbi
on Yom Kippur.

I couldn't
get a clean slate
for one fucking day.

I don't understand
what's going on.

Me, either, sister,
me, either.

There are so many questions
spinning around in my head.

Why did he leave?

Why wasn't I enough?

And why didn't they
put the stage over there

against that wall
instead of over here
by the bathroom

so you wouldn't have to listen
to every giant bowel movement

that takes place in there?

[laughter]

Oh, yeah. Clear as a bell.

I'm sorry. I'm a little drunk.

- It's all gone.
- [toilet flushes]

Everything
I've counted on is gone.

You feeling better now?

[laughter]

So my life completely
fell apart today.

Did I mention
that my husband left me?

- Man: Whoo-hoo!
- [laughter]

All right. All right.
But did I mention

that he left me
for his secretary?

- [wolf whistles]
- Mm-hmm.

She's 21 and dumb
as a Brillo pad.

And I'm not naive. I know
that men like stupid girls.

- Right?
- Uh...

But I thought Joel
wanted more than stupid.

I thought he wanted
spontaneity

and wit.

I thought he wanted
to be challenged.

- You know what I mean?
- Uh...

You two are going to be
together forever.

- [laughter]
- I'll tell you this much.

I was a great wife.

I was fun.
I planned theme nights.

I dressed in costumes.
I gave him kids--

a boy and a girl.

And yes, our little girl
is looking

more and more
like Winston Churchill

every day, you know,
with that big Yalta head.

But that's not a reason
to leave, right?

Really? Really?
After what I just said
about the bathroom?

- [laughter]
- Walk of shame.

Walk of shame!

I loved him.

And I showed him
I loved him.

- Whoo!
- [whistles]

All that shit they say

about Jewish girls
in the bedroom?

Not true.
There are French whores

standing around
the Marais District

saying [French accent]
"Did you hear what Midge did

to Joel's balls
the other night?"

[laughter]

I can't believe
this is happening.

I can't believe I'm
losing him to Penny Pan.

That's her name.
Terrible, right?

Penny Pan. Penny Pan.

Penny Pan.

And I'm officially
losing my mind,

which is perfect.

Now I will be alone and crazy,

the famous mad divorcée
of the upper West Side.

Upper West Side?
Really? Where?

72nd and Amsterdam.

That place on the corner

- with the courtyard?
- That's the one.

Oh, that's nice.
We looked there.

But the closets were so small,

and I wanted a powder room.

Do you know
I've seen her twice

with her shirt on inside out?

Penny. Twice.

Once, fine. You were
rushed in the morning.

Trusted, you can
only be trusted

to butter people's corn
at the county fair.

- [laughter]
- And here's the worst thing.

And I know this is shallow
and petty and small,

but she's not
even that pretty.

Man: Huh.

Her ankles and her calves

are the same width.

And I'm sorry, but look at me.

I am the same size now
that I was at my wedding.

And come on, who wouldn't
want to come home

to this every night?

Okay. All right.

Maybe today's not
the best day to judge.

I've been crying,
and my face is all puffy,

and just-- just--

Ignore my head.
Now, from here down,

who wouldn't want
to come home to this?

Actually, I'm a little
bloated right now.

I drank a lot of wine,
and my stomach is sort of--

Oh, can-- can I borrow that?

Thank you.

Okay. Ignore this,
ignore this.

But imagine coming home
to these every night.

Whoo!

Yeah.

Yeah, they're
pretty good, right?

Plus they're standing up
on their own.

[gasping]

- Shit.
- Seriously,

there's no fucking way

that Penny Pan can
compete with these tits!

So what if you're never going
to be a stand-up comedian.

Look at what
greets you at the door.

- Shit.
- Get down from
there right now.

You think Bob Newhart's
got a set of these at home?

Rickles, maybe.

- [audience shouts]
- Aah! Hey!

Let's go.

[audience cheering]

- Hey, fuck Penny Pan!
- Bravo!

This is not what you think.

She's a housewife.
She doesn't know the rules.

Yeah, yeah. We can discuss
it at the station.

- Station? What station?
- Come on.

Come back next week!

I don't understand
what's going on.

You're under arrest.

- What? Why?
- Public indecency

and performing without
a cabaret license.

You need a license
to do that? Seriously?

Yeah, yeah. You can
bitch all about it

to your friend
in the back seat there.

- Go ahead.
- Get in there.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey.

Hi.

Here you go.

Thanks, Judy.

You bailed me out?

My good deed for the year.

You get chick raped?

I don't think so.

- Here.
- It's still night out.

Yep.

I feel different.

You were in there
for 20 minutes.

20 minutes
can change you.

- Not really.
- I'm a con now.

- Not quite.
- I've got a rap sheet.

- No, you don't.
- I'm hard.

I'm a hard, used woman.
Is my hair gray?

- No, it's not.
- It feels gray.

Jesus Christ.

I had it all.

I had everything
I'd always wanted,

and now it's all
falling apart.

Okay. Come on.

Connie Francis:
♪ Who's sorry now? ♪

Mikey.

- ♪ Whose heart... ♪
- Look at all the people.

They look so happy.
Are they high?

Yes, they are.

Must be nice.

Oh, God, I'm so tired.

I don't think I've ever
been so tired.

Have some nuts.

Do you notice I'm not
wearing my own shoes?

I'm not. Don't know
what happened, either.

Now I'm just a single,
gray-haired ex-con

drinking hooch
and eating old nuts

in someone else's shoes.

Listen, if you're still
upset about your husband,

don't be. The guy was
a fraud and a loser.

- You don't know him.
- I know he was doing
Bob Newhart's act.

Everybody steals, right?

You didn't.

I didn't what?

House party tonight.

Steal. You didn't steal.

Your shit
was totally original.

Don't get me wrong.
It was rough,

but I'm telling you,
there is definitely
something there.

I'm thinking maybe
we can meet somewhere,

bigger club, if I could
just get Baz to die.

- What are you talking about?
- About your act.

I don't have an act.

You will when we're done.

I don't understand.

You should do standup,
and I can help you.

- Oh, come on.
- I'm serious.

- I am a mother.
- Great. We'll use that.

One of your kids
do something weird?

Tonight was
an isolated incident.

There are medications
I can take

to make sure that never
happens again.

Look, 15 years

I've been working
in clubs, okay?

15 years watching
every kind of loser

get up there
thinking he's Jack Benny.

Twice have I seen someone
deliver the goods.

First time, guy walks in--

West Coast, suntanned,
arrogant pain in the ass.

Three words into his act,
I fucking knew it.

I turned to Baz, and I said,
"That guy's gonna be famous."

- Who was he?
- Mort SAHL.

Oh, he's good. We saw him
at Grossinger's last year.

Yeah, well, the second
time was tonight.

Stop it.

I know I'm right about this,

just like I know that unless
I somehow get rich enough

to hire some German broad
to walk me around the park

twice a day in my old age,

I'm gonna spend
my entire life alone.

That's not true.

It's fine. I don't mind
being alone.

I just do not want
to be insignificant.

Do you?

Don't you want to do
something no one else can do?

Be remembered as something
other than a mother

or a housewife or member
of the Communist Party?

When did I become a member
of the Communist Party?

The minute
you took that flyer.

What? Shit.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's Yom Kippur. I'm
supposed to be fasting,

atoning for my sins
in the eyes of God.

- So?
- So I'm eating peanuts.

You showed your tits
to half of Greenwich Village.

You think the fucking
nuts are what's going
to piss Him off?

- I have to go.
- Hey, come on.

Thank you for my coat.
I paid full price at Saks.

Hey. Come back!

Miriam!

385 Riverside Drive.

Wait. Do I have money?

I do not have money.

I ain't got all day,
lady.

♪♪ [military drum beat]

"One standing ovation,
everyone goes home pregnant."

Peggy Lee:
♪ I got me ten fine toes ♪

♪ To wiggle in the sand ♪

♪ Lots of idle fingers
snap to my command ♪

♪ A lovely pair of heels
that kick to beat the band ♪

♪ Contemplatin'
nature can be fascinatin' ♪

♪ Add to these... ♪

Hey, don't you see?

That's part of the image.

Yeah, with the shawl
and the stove pipe hat

and the--
the string top?

♪ To tell the whole
darn world ♪

♪ If you don't
happen to like it ♪

♪ Deal me out,
thank you kindly ♪

♪ Pass me by ♪

♪ Pass me by, pass me by ♪

♪ If you don't happen
to like it, pass me by ♪

[chatter]

[no audible dialogue]

♪ I'll tell
the whole darn world ♪

♪ If you don't
happen to like it ♪

♪ Deal me out,
thank you kindly ♪

♪ Pass me by ♪

♪ Pass me by, pass me by ♪

♪ If you don't happen
to like it, pass me by ♪

[knock on door]

I went
by the Gaslight,

and they told me
to come here.

Is this
your apartment?

Yeah.

Uh, I'll be by
tomorrow at 10.

You don't have a very
long lease, do you?

Because you should move.

Hey, did you say 10?
In the morning?

- Hey!
- ♪ I got me ten fine toes ♪

♪ To wiggle in the sand ♪

♪ Lots of idle fingers
snap to my command ♪

♪ A lovely pair of heels
that kick to beat the band ♪

♪ Contemplatin'
nature can be fascinatin' ♪

♪ Add to these a nose
that I can thumb ♪

You guys ever gonna tale
a broom to this place?

We've already got penicillin.
You don't need to grow it.

Just take your things
and leave, Bruce.

I had three joints
in my wallet.

I expect to find them
all there.

Huh.

If you guys have
some coke back there,

we could have
a hell of a party.

You're not my wife.

No.

I thought my wife
bailed me out.

No. I did.

Uh-huh.

Oh.

Thanks.

Can I ask you a question?

Uh, sure.

Do you love it?

Do I love what?

Comedy. Standup.
Do you love it?

Seriously?

Well, I've been
doing it a while.

Okay, let's put it like this.

If there was anything else
in the entire world

that I could possibly
do to earn a living,

I would. Anything.

I'm talking dry cleaners
to the Klan,

crippled kid portrait painter,
slaughterhouse attendant.

If someone said to me,

"Leonard, you can
either eat a guy's head

or do two weeks at the Copa,"

I'd say "Pass
the fucking salt."

It's a terrible, terrible job.

It should not exist,

like cancer and God.

Sorry. I went to the
Varick station instead.

Why the hell
would you do that?

Because you like
Varick better.

Jesus, Honey,
you don't get to pick.

But do you love it?

Yeah. He loves it.

♪♪

Elvis Costello:
♪ There are some things ♪

♪ You can't cover up ♪

♪ In lipstick and powder ♪

♪ Thought I heard you
mention my name ♪

♪ Can't you
talk any louder? ♪

♪ Don't come any closer,
don't come any nearer ♪

♪ My vision of you ♪

♪ Can't come any clearer ♪

♪ Oh, I ♪

♪ Girls talk ♪

♪ I just want to hear ♪

♪ Girls talk ♪

♪ And they say
it's not allowed ♪

♪ Girls talk ♪

♪ If they say that it's so ♪

♪ Don't they think
that I know by now? ♪

♪ Got the word up
on everyone's lipstick ♪

♪ That you're getting faded ♪

♪ You may not be
an old-fashioned girl ♪

♪ But you're gonna
get dated ♪

♪ Was it really murder? ♪

♪ Were you just pretending? ♪

♪ Lately I have heard ♪

♪ You are the living end ♪

♪ Girls talk ♪

♪ And they want to know how ♪

♪ Girls talk ♪

♪ And they say
it's not allowed ♪

♪ Girls talk ♪

♪ And they say
it's not allowed ♪

♪ Girls talk ♪

♪ And they think
they know how ♪

♪ Girls talk ♪

♪ Girls talk ♪

♪ Girls talk ♪

♪ Girls talk ♪

♪ Girls talk ♪

♪ Girls talk ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Girls talk ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

.srt Extracted, Synced and Corrected
by Dan4Jem, AD.XII.MMXVII