The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 4, Episode 9 - Flow Gently, Sweet Money - full transcript

Dobie has asked Linda Sue Faversham to marry him sixty-one times, and she has turned him down sixty-one times, primarily because she says she needs to marry someone with money to be able to support her family of poor derelicts, and Dobie has zero prospect as a money making husband. But on proposal number sixty-two, cash register-for-a-heart Linda Sue surprisingly says yes for what she considers a screwy reason: love. Her change of heart is because she is passing the torch of finding the money making husband to her younger sister, Amanda Jean. Amanda Jean seems to be Linda Sue's perfect protégé. But if Amanda Jean fell for some poor shlub like Linda Sue did, then Linda Sue would have to return to her money hungry ways. That's why Dobie has to get his equally poor cousin Dunky out of the picture - he who has fallen in love with Amanda Jean, and it seems she with him - that is unless they can convert young, impressionable Dunky into a mean, cutthroat money maker.

- FOR GOODNESS' SAKES, DOBIE,

EITHER GET TO THE
POINT OR STAND UP.

THE LAST THREE
PEOPLE WHO WALKED BY

STARTED WHISTLING THE WEDDING
MARCH AND THROWING RICE.

- SMART ALECKS.

DO YOU MIND? DO YOU MIND?

WHAT DO THEY KNOW ABOUT
LOVE AND HEARTBREAK?

LINDA SUE, MY DEAREST,
SINCE WE FIRST MET

I MUST HAVE PROPOSED
TO YOU AROUND 50 TIMES.

- ACTUALLY, 61 TIMES.

I HAVE AN EXCELLENT MEMORY
FOR ANYTHING INVOLVING NUMBERS.



FOR INSTANCE, STOCKS,
BONDS, COMPOUND INTEREST.

- ALL RIGHT, 61 PROPOSALS
AND 61 TURNDOWNS

BUT I'M WARNING YOU, LINDA SUE,

PAY CLOSE ATTENTION
TO PROPOSAL NUMBER 62

BECAUSE IT'S DEFINITELY
AND POSITIVELY THE LAST.

- PROMISES, PROMISES.

- OH, HOW CAN YOU
BE SO HEARTLESS?

YOU KNOW YOU LOVE ME.

THE ONLY THING THAT'S
KEEPING US APART

IS YOUR CAVIAR APPETITE
AND MY PEANUT BUTTER WALLET.

- DOBIE, THAT'S A TERRIBLY
CRUEL THING TO SAY.

YOU KNOW MONEY MEANS
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO ME.

- MONEY MEANS NOTHING TO YOU?

TAKE ME.



I'VE HEARD EVERYTHING
NOW. TAKE ME.

I'M READY TO GO. TAKE ME.

- IT'S TRUE, I DON'T
GIVE A HOOT FOR LOOT,

FOR MYSELF, THAT IS.

BUT WHAT ABOUT MY FAMILY?

- OH, YEAH, THE WOLF PACK,
ALL THOSE HUNGRY RELATIVES.

- UNEMPLOYABLE,
EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM.

- AND YOUR FATHER?

- IS AT THE DANGEROUS AGE.

TOO OLD FOR COUNTY RELIEF AND
TOO YOUNG FOR SOCIAL SECURITY.

- HAVEN'T I TOLD YOU?
- 61 TIMES, I THINK.

- KINDLY DON'T INTERRUPT.
I'M MAKING A POINT

AND THAT POINT IS MY
FAMILY HAS BUT ONE CHANCE,

I HAVE TO MARRY
MONEY, AND BIG MONEY,

SO I CAN TAKE CARE OF THEM.

- AND MY PROSPECTS FOR BIG
MONEY ARE SHALL WE SAY, LIMITED?

- SHALL WE SAY PATHETIC?

- Both: WE SHALL SAY PATHETIC.

YEAH, SO PROPOSAL NUMBER
62 GETS THE SAME ANSWER

AS ALL THE REST, NAMELY, NO.

- NOT QUITE.

PROPOSAL NUMBER 62 GETS A
SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT ANSWER,

NAMELY, YES.

- YES?

TAKE ME. I'M READY TO GO.
NOW I'VE SEEN EVERYTHING.

[JAZZ THEME]

LOOK AT HER, LINDA
SUE FAVERSHAM,

THE FACE OF AN ANGEL,
THE BODY OF A GODDESS,

THE SOUL OF A CASH REGISTER

BUT SHE HAD CONSENTED TO
MARRY ME, BROKE, PENNILESS,

NOT TO MENTION DIME-LESS,
QUARTER-LESS AND DOLLAR-LESS.

ME.

THAT'S WHY I HAD TO
ASK MYSELF WHY? WHY?

- BECAUSE I'VE GOT ROCKS
IN MY HEAD, THAT'S WHY.

- OH, NO, LINDA
SUE, MY INTENDED.

- DOBIE, I DETEST BACKTALK.

IF I SAY I'VE GOT
ROCKS IN MY HEAD,

I'VE GOT ROCKS IN MY HEAD.

- YOU'VE GOT ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD.
- DON'T AGREE SO FAST.

- FORGIVE ME, MY BETROTHED.

- ROCKS, LOOSE
CONNECTIONS, MARBLES,

SOMETHING'S GOT TO
BE WRONG WITH MY HEAD

OR I WOULDN'T WANNA
MARRY A LOSER LIKE YOU

FOR A NUTTY REASON LIKE LOVE.
- AHA!

THEN YOU ARE IN LOVE
WITH ME. OH, LINDA SUE, MY...

- HANDS OFF, BUSTER.

DON'T START ACTING
LIKE YOU OWN ME

JUST BECAUSE I'M STUCK
ON YOUR WISHY-WASHY FACE

AND PERSONALITY
AND CAN'T KICK IT.

- CAREFUL, YOU'LL TURN
MY HEAD WITH FLATTERY.

- BUT NOW I DON'T
HAVE TO KICK IT

BECAUSE I FINALLY FOUND SOMEONE
ELSE TO TAKE CARE OF MY FAMILY.

- NO.
- I'M REFERRING TO...

DIDN'T I WARN YOU
ABOUT TALKING BACK?

- OH, YES, YES.
- I'M REFERRING TO MY...

- WHO? WHO?
- WILL YOU STOP STUTTERING?

IT MAKES ME NERVOUS.
- OH, YES, YES.

- I'M REFERRING TO MY
LITTLE SISTER, AMANDA JEAN.

- AMANDA JEAN?

BUT SHE'S JUST A KNOCK-KNEED
LITTLE KID WITH PIGTAILS.

- CORRECTION, WAS A KNOCK-KNEED
LITTLE KID WITH PIGTAILS.

FOR YEARS I'VE HAD THAT CHILD
WARMING UP IN THE BULLPEN

AND AT LAST SHE'S READY
TO TAKE MY PLACE AND PITCH.

- OH, THAT'S
IMPOSSIBLE, LINDA SUE,

YOU'RE ONE OF A KIND. NO
ONE CAN TAKE YOUR PLACE.

- SOUNDS FANTASTIC, I'LL ADMIT.

BUT OBSERVE.

[RINGS]

- YOU RANG?

- YOU ANSWER TO THE
SOUND OF A CASH REGISTER?

- FROM INFANCY.

- LINDA SUE, FORGIVE
ME FOR DOUBTING YOU.

SHE'S ANOTHER YOU AND THEN SOME.

- OF COURSE, WHEN
SHE WAS FIVE YEARS OLD,

I TAUGHT HER TO READ
THE WALL STREET JOURNAL.

- I LOVED IT,

ESPECIALLY THE PARTS WHERE
THEY FORECLOSED THE MORTGAGES

AND THREW EVERYBODY
OUT IN THE STREET.

IT WAS THRILLING.

- THAT'S THE WORD, THRILLING.

- AMANDA JEAN, YOU
REMEMBER DOBIE GILLIS?

- OH, YES, THE GOONY TYPE.

WRITES POETRY, PICKS FLOWERS.

IT'LL BE A MIRACLE IF HE EVER
EARNS OVER $3,500 A YEAR.

A DEADBEAT AND A
WASTE OF TIME. DROP HIM.

- SEE WHAT I MEAN, DOBIE?

UNTIL NOW I WAS THE
SOLE HOPE OF MY FAMILY.

THIS FACE, THIS HAIR,
THESE TEETH, THIS BODY,

WHY WAS I BLESSED WITH THEM?

TO EQUIP ME FOR ONE
THING, TO MARRY MONEY

SO I COULD TAKE CARE
OF MY DISMAL RELATIVES.

- AND NOW THERE'S ANOTHER
FACE, ANOTHER SET OF TEETH,

ANOTHER STUNNING BODY
TO CARRY ON THE BATTLE

AND LINDA SUE CAN RETIRE TO
MARRY HER SCHNOOK, NAMELY YOU.

- HMM.

WELL, I'LL ADMIT
SHE'S A HOT PROSPECT

BUT THOSE RICH MILLIONAIRES
ARE HARD TO CATCH.

- HA!

WITH THE WAY I'VE TRAINED
HER, ANY MAN IS A PIECE OF CAKE.

SHE HIM, BABY.
- RIGHT, COACH.

WATCH THIS, KIDDO,
THE CASUAL APPROACH.

- TAKE A LOOK AT
THAT HANDKERCHIEF,

IT APPEARS TO BE A SIMPLE
LITTLE PIECE OF CLOTH, DOESN'T IT?

BUT IN THE HANDS OF AN EXPERT
LIKE AMANDA JEAN FAVERSHAM,

IT BECAME AN INSTRUMENT
FOR TOTAL DESTRUCTION.

OBSERVE.

SEE WHAT I MEAN?

ONE LOUSY LITTLE HANDKERCHIEF
DARN NEAR STARTED WORLD WAR III.

WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT?

BEFORE THIS HAPPENED THOSE
FELLOWS WERE ALL FRIENDS.

IN FACT, TWO OF
THEM ARE BROTHERS

AND THE OTHER IS THEIR COUSIN

AND NOW THEY'RE TRYING
TO KILL EACH OTHER.

IT'S DISGUSTING. IT'S
TERRIBLE. IT'S SHAMEFUL.

AND IF I WAS FIVE YEARS YOUNGER
I'D BE RIGHT IN THERE WITH THEM.

OBSERVE HOW AMANDA JEAN TAKES
ADVANTAGE OF THEIR WEAKNESS.

- THANK YOU.

DO ANY OF YOU SWEET BOYS
HAPPEN TO BE CARRYING A $50 BILL?

WELL, THEN STOP PESTERING
ME, YOU PIKERS, AND FLAKE OFF.

- WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- LINDA SUE, COMPARED TO HER,

YOU'RE REBECCA OF
SUNNYBROOK FARM.

- LITTLE SISTER, I THROW
THE FLAMING TORCH TO YOU.

CARRY ON THE GRASPING
TRADITION OF THE FAVERSHAM WOMEN

SO I CAN MARRY MY TRUE LOVE,
UNPROMISING WRECK THOUGH HE IS.

- HAVE NO FEAR, BIG SISTER.

I SHALL CARE FOR OUR FAMILY

IF IT TAKES EVERY PENNY IN MY
FUTURE HUSBAND'S BANK ACCOUNT.

- BRAVO!
- BRAVO!

- BUT WATCH OUT, AMANDA JEAN,

DON'T BLOW THIS WHOLE
DEAL BY FALLING FOR SOME

USELESS, POETRY-WRITING,
FLOWER-PICKING SLOB LIKE I DID.

- NEVER.
- NEVER.

- NEVER.

- NEVER WILL I LEAVE
YOU, MY FAIR AMANDA JEAN.

I WILL PICK YOU ROSES AND
THEY WILL SMELL SO PEACHY KEEN.

WRITTEN FROM THE HEART
BY DUNCAN GILLIS, AGE 16.

- DUNKIE, EVERY
DAY AND ALSO NIGHT

YOU'RE GETTING TO BE MORE LIKE
YOUR COUSIN DOBE, NO OFFENSE.

- WHY SHOULD THAT BE AN OFFENSE?

COUSIN DOBIE'S A GREAT AMERICAN.

- OH, NO, KID. YOU
GOT A LOT TO LEARN.

A GREAT AMERICAN IS LIKE
GENERAL MacARTHUR, ADMIRAL DEWEY

OR CAPTAIN KANGAROO.

GREAT AMERICANS DON'T
HACK AROUND CHASING CHICKS

AND RECITING POETRY

LIKE, YOU KNOW, HAPPY
STRINGWORTH WOOLFELLOW.

- MAYNIE, THAT'S HENRY
WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW.

I WISH DOBIE WAS HERE RIGHT NOW.

HE'D TELL ME WHAT TO DO ABOUT
WINNING THE LOVE OF MY LIFE,

NAMELY AMANDA JEAN.

- YOU MET SOME CHICK

AND YOU AIN'T GOT TO
FIRST BASE WITH HER, HUH?

- I HAVEN'T EVEN
GOT A TURN AT BAT.

- YEP, YOU'RE EXACTLY
LIKE YOUR COUSIN DOBE.

- I NEVER EVEN TALKED TO HER.

I'VE JUST ADMIRED HER FROM AFAR.

WHEN I SEE HER MY HANDS
GET HOT AND I SHAKE ALL OVER,

MY HEART BEATS
LIKE A BONGO DRUM.

- ME, TOO.

- YOU FELT THAT
WAY ABOUT A GIRL?

- NO, ABOUT A BONGO DRUM.

- MAYNIE, I JUST GOT TO GET
HER OR MY LIFE WILL BE OVER.

- HEY, WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT

LIKE YOU WAS A
SICK WATER BUFFALO?

AND OH, WHAT A DUMBHEADED
QUESTION, WHERE IS SHE?

- I AM DUNCAN GILLIS,
AND I LOVE YOU.

- I AM AMANDA JEAN
FAVERSHAM AND I LOVE YOU BACK.

- I AM MAYNARD G. KREBS
AND I LOVE MY ROLLER SKATES.

- YOU'RE THE SUN AND
THE MOON AND THE STARS

AND A KING-SIZE PIZZA
PIE ALL ROLLED INTO ONE.

- YOU'RE A JUMBO
HAMBURGER AND FRENCH FRIES.

- YOU'RE CHILI CON CARNE.
- YOU'RE STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE.

- JUST LIKE ROMEO AND JULIET,
THE DELICATESSEN SCENE.

- GEE, I CAN HARDLY
WAIT TO TELL DOBIE

ABOUT THE WONDERFUL
THING THAT'S HAPPENED TO ME.

HE'LL JUMP FOR JOY.

- THAT'S GREAT, DUNKIE,

I FEEL LIKE I WANNA
JUMP FOR JOY.

- I'M IN LOVE, DEEPLY,
ETERNALLY AND PASSIONATELY

AND SHE'S IN LOVE WITH ME ALSO

DEEPLY, ETERNALLY
AND PASSIONATELY.

HER NAME'S AMANDA
JEAN FAVERSHAM.

- OH, NO, NOT LINDA SUE
FAVERSHAM'S SISTER?

OH, NO, DUNKIE, NO.

OF ALL THE GIRLS IN THE
WORLD, NOT HER, PLEASE, NO!

- AMANDA JEAN
FAVERSHAM, MY ANGEL,

AMANDA JEAN FAVERSHAM, MY SWEET,

YOUR VOICE IS LIKE THE BIRDIES,
TWEET, TWEET-TWEET, TWEET-TWEET.

- AIN'T THAT TWEET?

- MAYNARD, YOU WERE THERE.

WHY DIDN'T YOU
STOP THIS NUTTY KID?

- OH, NO, DOBE, AM I
YOUR BROTHER'S KIPPER?

- MAYNARD, THAT'S KEEPER AND I'M
NOT GONNA LET THIS ROTTEN LUCK

DESTROY THE GREAT
LOVE OF MY LIFE.

DUNKIE, YOU'VE GOT TO
GIVE UP AMANDA JEAN.

SHE'S POISON.

LISTEN TO ME, DEAR,
BELOVED COUSIN,

YOUR FRIEND, YOUR
ADVISOR, YOUR PAL

WHOSE SOCKS YOU'RE WEARING,
ALSO HIS NEW SPORTS SHIRT,

DUMP AMANDA JEAN.

SHE'S A GOLD-DIGGER,
A MONEY-GRUBBER,

A FORTUNE-HUNTER.

SHE'LL WRECK YOUR LIFE.

DUNKIE, SPEAK TO ME.
- GET LOST.

AMANDA JEAN, MY PIGEON,
UNDYING LOVE I VOW.

I WILL BE YOUR
FAITHFUL PUPPY DOG,

BOW, BOW-WOW, BOW-WOW.

- MAYNARD, FATE'S AGAINST ME.

WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE
SUCH A MISERABLE BREAK?

- OOH, I'M GLAD YOU ASKED.

REMEMBER THAT TIME I ASKED
TO BORROW YOUR ROLLER SKATES?

- NEVER MIND!

BOY, I CAN JUST IMAGINE
WHAT LINDA SUE'S GONNA SAY

WHEN SHE HEARS ABOUT THIS.

- DROP DEAD, AND
THAT'S JUST FOR OPENERS.

- LINDA SUE, MY BETROTHED,
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

- OH, I UNDERSTAND GOOD, MISTER.

YOU EXPECT A COUPLE OF KNOCKOUT
WOMEN LIKE MY SISTER AND ME

TO TIE UP WITH A COUPLE
OF NO-ACCOUNT WASHOUTS

LIKE YOUR COUSIN AND YOU.

- LINDA SUE...

- YEAH, DOBE, SHE
UNDERSTANDS REAL GOOD.

- MAYNARD, BUTT OUT.

- IF MY SISTER, AMANDA JEAN,
IS GOING TO LET OUR FAMILY

GO GURGLING DOWN THE DRAIN

THEN I'VE GOT TO PUT
MYSELF BACK IN THE GAME.

- YOU MEAN...
- YOU BET I MEAN.

I'M DUMPING YOU AND
YOUR EMPTY POCKETS

AND FINDING MYSELF A RICH
MILLIONAIRE WITH MONEY.

- BUT, LINDA SUE, YOU LOVE ME.

- LOVE DOESN'T BUTTER
ANY PARSNIPS, BUSTER.

I'M HEADING FOR
HIGH-INCOME TERRITORY.

- LINDA SUE, WAIT,
YOU'RE VERY PERSUASIVE.

YOU COULD TALK YOUR SISTER
OUT OF THIS MAD LOVE AFFAIR.

- I'VE TRIED. I'VE
TRIED EVERYTHING.

LOGIC, BEGGING, PLEADING.

- A HAMMERLOCK?

- THAT, TOO.

ALSO KARATE AND JUDO,
AND NOTHING WORKS.

SHE'S A HARDER
HARDHEAD THAN I AM.

SO IT'S GOODBYE,
DOBIE, MY ALMOST-WAS.

- LINDA SUE, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT. THERE'S ANOTHER WAY,

I'LL BECOME A RUTHLESS TYCOON
AND MAKE MONEY FOR YOUR FAMILY.

I COULD BE MEAN AND ROTTEN.

WHO SAYS I HAVE TO STAY
SWEET AND LOVABLE? LOOK.

- PLEASE, DOBIE, I'VE SEEN
A MEANER LOOKING FACE

ON AN IRRITATED GOLDFISH.

- ALL RIGHT, SO MAYBE
IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME

BUT WHAT ABOUT DUNKIE?
HE'S A LOT YOUNGER.

WITH THE RIGHT TRAINING HE COULD
DEVELOP INTO A TOP-NOTCH RAT.

- SAY, THAT'S POSSIBLE. HE'S
CLAY READY TO BE MOLDED.

- RIGHT, AND YOU'LL
NEVER FIND A MOLDIER KID.

- OH, BUT HIS HEREDITY
IS AGAINST HIM.

THIS MEANNESS RUNS IN
FAMILIES LIKE BALDNESS

AND THE GILLIS FAMILY
JUST DOESN'T HAVE

THAT EVIL, ROTTEN STREAK.

- I'LL STRANGLE THAT
NO-GOOD FORTUNATO!

OPENING A GROCERY STORE
RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER FROM...

HERBERT T. GILLIS,

I'LL COMPETITION HIM INTO
STARVATION AND BANKRUPTCY,

HIM AND HIS WHOLE FAMILY,
THE NO-GOOD, LOWDOWN...

- DOBIE, ABOUT YOUR FAMILY'S
LACK OF A MEAN STREAK...

- YES, LINDA SUE?

- IN LIGHT OF THE NEW
EVIDENCE I'D LIKE TO...

- YOU'D LIKE TO
WITHDRAW THE STATEMENT?

- YEAH.
- AHA! NOW YOU'RE TALKING.

DUNKIE TAKES AFTER MY FATHER.

POUND FOR POUND HE'S THE
MOST HATEFUL CHARACTER IN TOWN.

TRUE, MAYNARD?
- TRUE, DOBE,

BUT THAT'S AN AWFUL WAY
TO TALK ABOUT YOUR FATHER.

- MAYNARD, I'M
TALKING ABOUT DUNKIE.

- DUNKIE'S SWEET,
LOVABLE, KIND...

- MAYNARD, QUIET.
HE'S A POTENTIAL SKUNK,

AND I THINK I HEAR YOUR
MOTHER CALLING YOU.

- THIS DOES CHANGE THINGS.
IF ONLY I COULD BE CERTAIN

THAT HIS EVIL STREAK
WAS WIDE AND ROTTEN.

- OH, THE WIDEST, THE ROTTENEST.

THERE ISN'T A CONSIDERATE,
SENSITIVE BONE IN HIS BODY.

- OH, HOW LOVELY IT WAS PICKING
FLOWERS IN THE FIELD FOR YOU,

OH, FAIR SISTER OF
MY FAIR LOVED ONE.

FOR YOU, MAYNIE
CHILD, AND FOR YOU...

- I DON'T WANT ANY FLOWERS
AND PIPE DOWN, POINT KILLER.

- HE DOESN'T LOOK
MEAN AND ROTTEN TO ME.

- OH, HE'S JUST
PUTTING ON AN ACT.

JUST WAIT TILL YOU
SEE THE REAL DUNCAN,

ROTTEN CLEAN THROUGH.

- WELL, HE DOES HAVE SORT OF
A FISHY LOOK AROUND THE EYES.

- YEAH, YEAH, LOOK AT
HIS EYES, FISHY, FISHY.

- DUNCAN, I LIKE YOU.
YOU'RE A NICE, CLEAN-CUT KID.

- I WASH TWICE A DAY

AND THREE TIMES WHEN I
GOT A DATE WITH AMANDA JEAN.

- MAN, THAT'S REALLY LOVE.

- YOU'LL MAKE A
GOOD BROTHER-IN-LAW

IF AMANDA JEAN EVER
DECIDES TO MARRY YOU.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN IF?
SURE, SHE'LL MARRY ME.

SHE'S APE FOR ME.

- NOW, BECAUSE SHE'S YOUNG
AND DOESN'T KNOW ANY BETTER

BUT WHAT HAPPENS
IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS

WHEN SHE STARTS WANTING
THE THINGS YOU CAN'T GIVE HER?

- SHE'LL DUMP YOU. IT
HAPPENS SOMETIMES.

- TO DOBE ALL THE TIME.

- AMANDA JEAN WOULDN'T DO THAT

ON ACCOUNT OF WE
DIG THE SAME THINGS,

WALKING ALONG THE RIVER,
MOONLIGHT, MY BEAUTIFUL POETRY.

- JUST WAIT, YOU'LL BE WALKING
ALONG THE RIVER BY MOONLIGHT

AND ALONG WILL COME A
FELLOW IN A CONVERTIBLE

WITH A FAT BANKROLL.

- THE NEXT THING YOU
KNOW A DEAR JOHN LETTER.

- DEAR DUNCAN, IT'LL SAY.
- WHAT HAPPENED TO JOHN?

- DEAR DUNCAN,
TRY NOT TO HATE ME.

I'LL ALWAYS THINK OF YOU FONDLY
BUT THE THINGS I REALLY WANT

I CAN ONLY GET FROM MONTAGUE.

- WHO'S MONTAGUE?

- THE FELLA IN THE CONVERTIBLE.

- WHAT HAPPENED TO JOHN?
- AND AFTER MONTAGUE,

WILL COME PIERRE, A RICH
EUROPEAN WITH A YACHT.

- WHAT HAPPENED TO JOHN?

- THEY CAN AFFORD TO
BUY AMANDA JEAN JEWELS

AND EXPENSIVE GIFTS

AND SHOW HER GOOD TIMES AND
WHAT CAN YOU OFFER? NOTHING.

- YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE
RIGHT. I WON'T LET HER GO.

WHAT CAN I DO TO STOP
MONTAGUE AND PIERRE?

- WHAT HAPPENED TO JOHN?

- YOU CAN STOP THEM BY
BECOMING RICHER THAN THEY ARE.

YOU CAN DO IT, DUNCAN.

JUST LEARN TO BE TOUGH,
RUTHLESS, AGGRESSIVE.

- BUT I'M NOT THAT
KIND OF FELLA.

I'M SWEET AND LOVABLE.

YOU WOULDN'T WANT ME TO
CHANGE, WOULD YOU, COUSIN DOBIE?

- NO, NO, NO, NO.

BUT IF THAT'S THE ONLY WAY
TO KEEP THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE,

I MEAN, I WON'T
STAND IN YOUR WAY.

- THANKS, COUSIN DOBIE,
I'LL DO IT. HOW DO I START?

- FIRST, GET A JOB
AND PROVE YOURSELF.

REMEMBER, LIFE IS
EARNEST, LIFE IS REAL.

- IN THIS WORLD
IT'S DOG EAT DOG.

- DO UNTO OTHERS
BEFORE THEY DO UNTO YOU.

- TIPPECANOE AND TYLER TOO.

I GOT LONELY.

- I'LL ASK UNCLE
HERBIE FOR A JOB.

- OOH, YEAH, HE'LL TEACH
YOU TO BE MEAN AND ROTTEN

WITHOUT EVEN TRYING.

- NO, DUNCAN, GET
IN WITH A NEW OUTFIT,

A SMALL BUSINESS
YOU CAN GROW WITH.

- GOOD THINKING
BUT WHO'D HIRE ME?

- FORTUNATO'S GROCERY
STORE AROUND THE CORNER.

HE'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU.

- ME?
- RIGHT.

AND JUST LOOK AT WHAT
YOU HAVE TO OFFER.

- YOU WANNA WORK
FOR FORTUNATO, EH?

WHAT DO YOU GOT TO OFFER?

- IN THE FIRST PLACE, I'M YOUNG.

- BIG DEAL, I'VE
GOT NINE BAMBINOS.

THAT'S ENOUGH YOUNG
FOR ME. WHAT ELSE?

- WELL, IN THE SECOND PLACE
I GOT AMBITION AND DRIVE.

- DRIVE, IF I WANNA DRIVE I GO
AND BUY MYSELF A MOTORCYCLE.

- AND IN THE THIRD PLACE

I GOT A COPY OF THE GILLIS
GROCERY CUSTOMER LIST.

- IN THE FOURTH
PLACE YOU'RE HIRED.

- MR. FORTUNATO!

- OH, CALL ME PAPA!

- BOY, WON'T LINDA SUE
BE PROUD OF ME NOW.

- DUNCAN, I'M ASHAMED OF YOU.

- ASHAMED? BUT WHY? IT
WAS THE ONLY JOB I COULD GET.

- SOME JOB, DELIVERY BOY.

YOU COULD BE REPLACED
BY A DIMWITTED APE.

- I'M A FAILURE. I'M SORRY.

- SORRY DOESN'T BUY
A TRIP TO THE MOON

ON GOSSAMER WINGS, WALDO.

LITTLE SISTER, WE
OUGHT TO PACK HIM IN.

HE'S A LOSER.
- BUT...

- HE'S A FLOPPER,
A DUD, A CLINKER.

- PLEASE, BIG SISTER, NO.
- PLEASE, BIG SISTER, NO.

GIVE THE POOR KID
ANOTHER CHANCE.

- GIVE THE POOR KID
ANOTHER CHANCE.

- HE CAN'T HELP IT IF
HE'S WEAK-HEADED.

- HE CAN'T... HEY,
WAIT A MINUTE.

- QUIET, CLINKER!

AND STAND AT ATTENTION!
- YES, MA'AM.

- I'M ABOUT TO MAKE
AN ANNOUNCEMENT.

- LISTEN CAREFULLY.
HER ADVICE IS INVALUABLE.

- YES, NOW HEAR THIS,

DUNCAN, YOU'RE YOUNG
AND YOU MAY NEED MORE TIME

TO DEVELOP YOUR TALENT
FOR SCHEMING AND CONNIVING.

SO I'VE DECIDED TO
GIVE YOU ANOTHER SHOT

AT BECOMING THE BIG BOW
WOW IN THIS DOG-EAT-DOG WORLD.

- OH, THANK YOU, BIG SISTER.
YOU'RE SO MAGNIFICENTLY EVIL!

- OF COURSE,

I ALWAYS SAY IF YOU'RE
GOING TO BE EVIL, BE EVIL.

DON'T JUST HACK
AROUND BEING NASTY.

NOW, JUNIOR, YOU'RE
GOING TO NEED HELP

AND HELP FROM THE MOST
UNSCRUPULOUS MONEY GRUBBER

IN THIS TOWN.

- MEANING YOU.
- MEANING ME.

I WILL PERSONALLY COACH
YOU EVERY STEP OF THE WAY

AND IN NO TIME AT ALL, DUNCAN,

WITH MY HELP YOU'LL GO
STRAIGHT TO THE BOTTOM.

JUST FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS.

- YOU'D GIVE HIM THAT?

- RIGHT, MY BAG OF SNEAKY TRICKS

COLLECTED OVER A
LIFETIME OF SNEAKY LIVING.

EACH ITEM ESPECIALLY DESIGNED

TO KICK SOMEONE RIGHT
SMACK IN THE BANK ACCOUNT.

- OH, THANK YOU, LINDA SUE,
WE'LL NEVER FORGET THIS.

- NEVER MIND THE THANK-YOUS,
BOY, JUST GET WITH IT.

I CAN SEE IT ALL
NOW, LITTLE SISTER.

YOU AND DUNCAN WILL BE LIVING IN
YOUR OWN IVY-COVERED COTTAGE.

- LINDA SUE ROSE
MAGNIFICENTLY TO THE CHALLENGE

OF TURNING LOVABLE
DUNKIE INTO RUTHLESS DUNKIE.

THE STAKES WERE
HIGH AND SHE KNEW IT,

SO SHE REACHED INTO
HER BAG OF SNEAKY TRICKS

AND CAME UP WITH SOME GEMS.

HERE'S THE FIRST
ONE SHE GAVE DUNKIE.

TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS

REMEMBER THAT THE EARLY
BIRD CATCHES THE WORM

AND YOU'LL ALWAYS GET THE
JUMP ON YOUR COMPETITOR.

HERE'S LINDA SUE'S
RULE NUMBER TWO

FOR HOW TO MAKE IT BIG
IN THE BUSINESS WORLD.

BE AGGRESSIVE,
EAGER AND ENERGETIC

BECAUSE THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN SUCCESS AND FAILURE

IS THAT EXTRA POUND OF EFFORT.

HERE'S LINDA SUE'S
RULE NUMBER THREE

FOR SUREFIRE
SUCCESS IN BUSINESS.

SEARCH OUT YOUR
COMPETITORS' WEAKNESSES

AND TURN THEM TO
YOUR OWN ADVANTAGE.

HERE'S A REAL DOOZER
OF A RULE FOR SUCCESS

THAT LINDA SUE THOUGHT UP.

TOO MUCH COMPETITION
DESTROYS FREE ENTERPRISE,

SO ALWAYS BE ON
THE ALERT FOR A PLAN

TO ELIMINATE YOUR COMPETITORS
AND HELP SAVE OUR WAY OF LIFE.

- NO, DUNCAN!

- GOSH, LINDA SUE, I WAS ONLY
FOLLOWING YOUR INSTRUCTIONS.

- DYNAMITING GILLIS'S STORE?

- TOO MEAN?

- TOO STUPID. YOU'LL GET CAUGHT.

- WELL, I GUESS THAT EMPTIES
LINDA SUE'S BAG OF SNEAKY TRICKS

AND NOT A MINUTE TOO SOON.

I MEAN, THOSE LOWDOWN
STUNTS WERE TURNING DUNKIE

INTO THE KIND OF FELLOW

WHO SHOULD BE ASHAMED TO
LOOK AT HIMSELF IN THE MIRROR.

- LOOK AT THIS, DUNKIE,

IMAGINE WHAT I COULD
HAVE DONE IF I USED A BRUSH.

- BEAUTIFUL, MAYNIE,

HERE'S A QUARTER
FOR YOUR TROUBLE, PAL.

- OOH, THANKS. YOU'RE ALL HEART

EXCEPT FOR THE PART
OF YOU THAT'S MONEY.

- DON'T WORRY, IT'S
A REAL QUARTER.

- WHO'S WORRIED?

- DELICIOUS.

- HEY, DOBE, DUNKIE GAVE
ME A DELICIOUS QUARTER

FOR SHINING BOTH HIS SHOES.

THAT'S ALMOST A NICKEL A SHOE.

- DON'T ACT SO
SURPRISED, MAYNARD,

GENEROSITY RUNS
IN THE GILLIS FAMILY.

- GENEROSITY, YES, MONEY, NO.

- DUNKIE, WHERE'D YOU GET ALL
THIS LOOT YOU'RE TOSSING AROUND?

- I OWE IT ALL TO WHAT LINDA
SUE'S BEEN TEACHING ME.

ALWAYS BE LOADED
WITH GET-UP-AND-GO.

- I USED TO HAVE GET-UP-AND-GO.

THEN ONE DAY IT GOT UP AND WENT.

- HAVE YOU GOT A DATE
WITH AMANDA JEAN TONIGHT?

- YOU BET YOUR BANKROLL, WALDO.

OVER TO THE MALT SHOP
FOR MILKSHAKES AND MADNESS

AND THEN DOWN TO THE
RIVERBANK FOR VA-VA-VAROOM.

- DOGGONE IT, I
WISH I COULD GO OUT

BUT I'VE GOT AN EXAM TOMORROW.

- OH, I GOT AN EXAM, TOO,
BUT THAT'S NOT STOPPING ME.

- ME NEITHER. OF
COURSE I ALWAYS FLUNK.

- WELL, I'M NOT ABOUT TO FLUNK.

I'M GONNA HIRE SOME CLEVER KID
WITH GLASSES TO TAKE IT FOR ME.

CLEVER, HUH?
- YEAH, AND DANGEROUS.

- WHAT DANGEROUS? WHO'S
GONNA HIT A KID WITH GLASSES?

- DOBIE, MONEY
BUYS A LOT OF THINGS,

SHOESHINES, EXAMS AND
THIS CLASSY NEW SPORTS COAT.

SET ME BACK 30 CLAMS, BUT
YOU CAN BORROW IT ANYTIME.

- THANKS, DUNKIE, BUT...
- ONLY 50 CENTS A NIGHT.

- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!

- WHAT ARE YOU HOLLERING ABOUT?
I CHARGE EVERYBODY ELSE A DOLLAR

BUT YOU'RE MY DEAR COUSIN
AND BLOOD'S THICKER THAN MONEY.

- NOT MINE.

- BUT I'VE BEEN LENDING
YOU MY STUFF FOR FREE.

- CAN I HELP IT IF I REPRESENT

THE MORE PROGRESSIVE
BRANCH OF THE FAMILY?

WELL, TA-TA!

DON'T WAIT UP FOR ME. I
SHALL RETURN WITH THE DAWN.

HERE'S A DIME, MAYNIE.

- DUNKIE, DUNKIE, SHOULD
YOU REALLY BE DOING THIS?

- DOES THIS ANSWER
YOUR QUESTION?

- YOU KNOW, MAYNARD,
DUNKIE'S A CUTE KID.

- YEAH, IF HE GETS ANY CUTER
HE'LL BE WEARING A STRIPED SUIT

AND BANGING ON THE
BARS WITH A TIN CUP.

- THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

- NO, THAT'S ALCATRAZ.

DELICIOUS.

THOUGH A DIME'S A BIT
SMALLER THAN A QUARTER.

- YOU KNOW, MAYNARD,
IT JUST OCCURRED TO ME.

WITH VERY LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT

DUNKIE COULD BECOME
A FIRST-RATE CROOK.

[HAMMERING]

- WHAT'S THAT?
- TERMITES.

- IT'S COMING FROM
DOWNSTAIRS IN THE STORE.

- WELL, TERMITES GOT
TO EAT TOO, YOU KNOW.

AFTER ALL, THEY'RE ONLY HUMAN.

- WHAT ARE YOU BUILDING, DAD?

- NOTHING, KNOTHEAD.
- A NOTHING KNOTHEAD.

MAN, YOU DON'T HARDLY
SEE THEM NO MORE.

- 25 YEARS,

25 YEARS OF THE BEST YEARS
OF MY LIFE IN THIS STORE

AND NOW IT'S GONE,
GONE, ALL GONE.

- DAD, DAD, WHEN DID
YOU DECIDE TO RETIRE

FROM THE GROCERY BUSINESS?

- RETIRE, THERE'S A KINDLY WORD
FOR A BROKEN-DOWN OLD MAN

WHO'S STANDING WITH
ONE FOOT IN BANKRUPTCY

AND THE OTHER IN A SOUP KITCHEN.

- DAD...

- OH, I'M THROWING
IN THE TOWEL, SON.

I SEE THE HANDWRITING
ON THE WALL.

OH, I READ IT REAL CLEAN

AND IT SAYS HERBERT T.
GILLIS, FIRST SERGEANT WWII

AND FORMER SUCCESSFUL
INDEPENDENT RETAIL GROCER.

- NO, IT DON'T, IT
SAYS SAUERKRAUT,

TWO JARS FOR 49 CENTS.

- FORGET ABOUT ME, SON,

YOU GOT YOUR WHOLE
LIFE AHEAD OF YOU.

- YOU COULD HAVE MY
HANDKERCHIEF, MR. G.,

ONLY I DON'T HAVE ONE.

- SON, YOUR MOTHER AND I
WILL GET ALONG SOME WAY.

THERE MUST BE SOME
LITTLE NOOK OR CRANNY

OUT AT THE POOR FARM
WE CAN CALL OUR OWN.

- DAD, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

- MAYBE HE DIGS THE POOR FARM.

- NO, IT'S THAT FORTUNATO
AROUND THE CORNER.

HE'S STOLEN ALL OF MY CUSTOMERS.

HE'S EVEN STOLEN
ALL THE DEADBEATS.

- NOT ALL THE DEADBEATS,
MR. G., I'M STILL LOYAL TO YOU.

- MAYNARD, DO ME A FAVOR
AND BE DISLOYAL, WILL YOU?

EVEN THE COP ON THE BEAT
DON'T SAUNTER BY ANYMORE

TO FILCH APPLES OUT
OF THE FRUIT STAND.

OH, I'M RUINED.

- GEE, DAD, THIS IS AN AWFUL
STATE OF AFFAIRS BUT...

WELL, BUSINESS IS BUSINESS.

THERE'S NOTHING
WE CAN DO ABOUT IT.

- I KNOW, SON, BUT IT'S
YOU I FEEL SORRY FOR.

YOU'RE GONNA BE PAYING
OFF THESE DEBTS FOR YEARS.

MOST OF THIS MONEY'S
COMING OUT OF YOUR POCKET.

- THAT MISERABLE DUNCAN.
HE'S A MENACE TO SOCIETY.

- MENACE TO SOCIETY? LOVABLE ME?

- RIGHT, AND WE'RE GOING HOME.

- OH, YOU GOT TO BE
KIDDING. IT'S TOO EARLY.

COME, AMANDA JEAN, MY ANGEL,
THERE ARE SONGS TO BE SUNG

AND DANCES TO BE DANCED.

- AND FELLAS NAMED FORTUNATO

TO BE TOLD THAT YOU'VE RETIRED
FROM THE GROCERY BUSINESS.

GOODBYE, AMANDA JEAN.

- GOODBYE, AMANDA JEAN.

- COME ON.
- I'M NOT MOVING FROM THIS SPOT.

- OH, YES, YOU ARE

BECAUSE I DON'T INTEND TO
SPEND THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE

PAYING OFF THE
DEBT YOU GOT US INTO

DURING THE BEST YEARS OF YOURS.

- COUSIN DOBIE, THAT'S
A VERY SELFISH ATTITUDE.

- YOU BET.

- OKAY, OKAY, BUT OF
COURSE YOU KNOW THIS MEANS

YOU AND LINDA SUE ARE WASHED UP.
- SO?

- SO THAT MEANS
YOU'LL BE GIVING UP...

- Linda Sue: THAT FACE, THAT
HAIR, THOSE TEETH, THAT BODY.

- SO I'LL CRY A LITTLE.

ALL RIGHT, SO I'LL CRY A LOT
BUT I'VE GOT NO OTHER CHOICE.

POOR DAD'S LOSING THE STORE.

- DOBIE, DO YOU REALIZE
YOU'RE GIVING UP...

- I KNOW, I KNOW. WE
JUST WENT THROUGH THAT.

- AND YOU'RE DETERMINED
TO PURSUE THIS MADNESS?

- YES, LINDA SUE,
I HAVE TO DO IT.

YOU CAN CALL ME FOOLISH.

- HI, FOOLISH.

- THEN IT'S GOODBYE, DOBIE.

- GOODBYE, LINDA SUE.

- YOU REALIZE I HAVE
NO CHOICE, DON'T YOU?

I MEAN, MY FAMILY OF
HOPELESS DERELICTS

HAS PUT ME IN THIS
MISERABLE SPOT.

- I UNDERSTAND, MY DEAREST.

- DUNCAN, YOU'D BETTER
DO WHAT DOBIE SAYS

BUT DON'T LET IT BUG YOU.

I'LL WAIT FOR YOU.

- YOU'LL WAIT FOR HIM?

- SURE.

OH, HE'S YOUNG AND
IMPRESSIONABLE NOW

AND FOR A LITTLE WHILE

YOU CAN TURN HIM BACK
INTO A DREAMY NOBODY

BUT JUST WAIT, HE WON'T
PUT UP WITH IT FOR LONG

BECAUSE BENEATH THAT
SWEET, LOVABLE OUTSIDE

THERE LURKS A
MEAN, ROTTEN INSIDE.

- GOLLY, LINDA SUE, IF I
COULD ONLY BELIEVE THAT.

- TAKE MY WORD
FOR IT. IT'S TRUE.

OTHERWISE WOULD I
WASTE MY TIME ON YOU?

NOW, I'M A LITTLE OLDER
THAN YOU, DUNCAN,

BUT THAT WON'T MATTER.

I MEAN, WHAT'S A FEW
YEARS DIFFERENCE IN AGE

WHEN TWO EVIL
HEARTS BEAT AS ONE?

- OH, YES, WHAT INDEED.
- LINDA SUE...

- THE GROCERY
BUSINESS IS TOO DREARY.

YOU NEED TO BE IN A MORE
IMAGINATIVE LINE OF WORK.

- YEAH, LIKE EMBEZZLING.

- OH, CHEER UP, GOOD
BUDDY. YOU STILL GOT ME.

- I'M AFRAID SO,
MAYNARD. I'M AFRAID SO.

- YOU'VE ALSO GOT ME, DOBIE.

- YOU?
- HER?

- ME.
- HER?

- HER AND UH-OH.

- DOBIE, YOU'RE A GREAT,
NOBLE HUMAN BEING

AND I LOVE YOU FOR
YOUR FINE, DECENT IDEALS

EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE AN OLDER MAN.

- YEAH, AMANDA JEAN, THERE IS A
SLIGHT DIFFERENCE IN OUR AGES.

I'M OLD ENOUGH TO BE
YOUR... YOUR OLDER BROTHER.

- I LOVE YOU, DOBIE GILLIS.
YOU'RE A GIANT PIZZA BURGER.

YOU'RE A DOUBLE BANANA SPLIT
WITH ALMONDS AND WHIPPED CREAM...

- THIS KIND OF ROMANCE CAN
ONLY GIVE ME INDIGESTION.

- DUNCAN, YOU ARE
MY BROTHER'S SON,

MY OWN FLESH AND BLOOD.

I CAN'T STAY MAD AT YOU.
- I GUESS NOT.

- AND JUST TO PROVE
I MEAN WHAT I SAY,

ANYTHING I'VE GOT IS YOURS.
- NO KIDDING?

- YOU FEEL LIKE
A PIECE OF FRUIT?

TAKE A PIECE OF FRUIT.

YOU FEEL LIKE YOU WANT
A CAN OF SOUP SOMETIME?

TAKE A CAN OF SOUP.

AROUND HERE WE SHARE EVERYTHING.
- WOW!

- INCLUDING THE WORK. START
SHARING THE BROOM, DUNCAN.