The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 4, Episode 8 - Where Is Thy Sting? - full transcript

Dobie plays sick to sucker some succor from pre-med student Emily. But oh what a tangled web Dobie weaves when first he practiced to deceive.

- HOW COME I ALWAYS
FALL IN LOVE WITH GIRLS

WHO ARE, SHALL WE SAY, STRANGE?

WELL NOT EXACTLY STRANGE.
WHAT THEY ARE IS SCREWY.

I MEAN, TAKE EMILY BUSBY.

EMILY'S BEAUTIFUL.

SHE'S SOFT AND PINK AND ROUND

AND SHE'S MADLY IN
LOVE WITH A SKELETON.

WELL, NOT JUST A SKELETON,

BUT ALL SORTS OF BONES
AND LIVERS AND PANCREASES

AND LIKE THAT.

YOU SEE, EMILY'S
KNOCKING HER BRAINS OUT



STUDYING TO BE A DOCTOR

AND THE WAY THINGS
ARE GOING RIGHT NOW,

SHE'S IN NO MOOD TO HANG
OUT HER SHINGLE FOR ME.

AH, MY MOON OF A
THOUSAND DELIGHTS!

HOW DIVINE YOU ARE!

- I KNOW, I KNOW, DOBIE.

I'M MUCH TOO BUSY.
PLEASE EXCUSE ME.

- BUT OF COURSE. I
SHALL WAIT PATIENTLY

UNTIL YOU HAVE FINISHED,
MY HEAVENLY HEALER,

MY FAIR PHYSICIAN.

- I'M NOT A DOCTOR YET, DOBIE.

I'M ONLY A PREMED STUDENT.

I STILL HAVE A LOT TO LEARN.

- AND I'M JUST THE FELLA
WHO CAN TEACH YOU.



- TEACH ME WHAT?
- ALL ABOUT LOVE AND ROMANCE

AND UNFORGETTABLE
MOONLIT NIGHTS.

- YOU SEE, DOBIE, THAT PROVES
HOW LITTLE WE HAVE IN COMMON.

YOUR MIND IS ALWAYS
ON LOVE AND ROMANCE,

WHILE MINE'S BUSY WITH
KIDNEYS AND GALLBLADDERS.

- BUT, EMILY, I ADORE YOU.

- NO, NO. IT CAN
NEVER BE, DOBIE.

YOU'RE A NICE BOY,
BUT YOU'RE NOT MY TYPE.

YOU'RE NOT EVEN SICK.

- YOU'D PROBABLY
THINK I WAS FASCINATING

IF I WAS A MESS OF
ACHES AND PAINS.

- WELL, NATURALLY.

I MEAN, I'M A FUTURE DOCTOR.

YOU KNOW, THE SICK, THE
LAME AND THE HALT JAZZ.

THEY'RE THE RAW MATERIAL

WITH WHICH I INTEND TO
WORK FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE

WITH EVERY OUNCE OF
STRENGTH IN MY BODY.

- HMM.
- AND THE SICKER

AND THE LAMER AND
THE HALTER, THE BETTER.

SO I CAN'T WASTE MY TIME
WITH THE LIKES OF YOU.

NO OFFENSE, BUT
ARRIVEDERCI, HEALTHY ONE.

- EMILY, MY DEAR, I WAS HOPING

I WOULDN'T HAVE
TO TELL YOU THIS,

BUT, WELL, THE DOCTORS TELL ME

I HAVE ONLY SIX MONTHS TO LIVE.

- DOBIE, DARLING!
NOW YOU'RE TALKING!

[JAZZ THEME]

- WHEN I TOLD EMILY THAT I
HAD ONLY SIX MONTHS TO LIVE,

I WAS MERELY EMPLOYING

A HIGHLY RESPECTED,
TIME-HONORED,

INTERNATIONALLY
ACCEPTED TECHNIQUE

FOR DEALING WITH WOMEN.

IT'S CALLED LYING.

THEN I STARTED TO THINK
IT OVER AND I REALIZED

THAT EMILY'S NOT THE KIND
OF GIRL I COULD KEEP LYING TO.

NO, WITH HER, I FELT AN
OVERWHELMING INSTINCT

TO TELL NOTHING BUT THE
COLD, HARD, HONEST TRUTH,

BUT I FOUGHT THAT INSTINCT...

AND SUCCESSFULLY.

- DOBIE, MY SWEET,

ARE YOU SURE YOU'VE
DONE EVERYTHING YOU CAN

TO FIND A CURE?

YOU CAN'T TAKE THIS AWFUL
MISFORTUNE LYING DOWN.

- CAN YOU THINK OF A BETTER WAY?

I MEAN, I'VE CONSULTED
THE FINEST SPECIALISTS.

- BUT WE HAVE SOME
BRILLIANT DOCTORS

TEACHING HERE AT
THE MEDICAL SCHOOL.

- TRUE, BUT THEY'LL ONLY
TELL ME THE SAME TWO THINGS

ALL THE OTHER
DOCTORS HAVE TOLD ME.

- TWO THINGS.
- YES.

ONE, WE'VE DONE OUR BEST,

AND, TWO, DON'T BUY ANY
LONG-PLAYING RECORDS.

- OH, WHAT A TERRIBLE TRAGEDY!

- YOU RANG?

- HELLO, MAYNARD.
GOODBYE, MAYNARD.

- LIKE HI, GOOD
BUDDY. LIKE HI, GIRL.

HEY, YOU WANNA TO
OVER TO THE VACANT LOT

AND PLAY KICK THE CAN?

- MAYNARD, CAN'T
YOU SEE I'M BUSY?

- NOT YOU, DOBE, HER.

YOU'RE A TERRIBLE KICK
THE CAN PLAYER, NO OFFENSE.

- OKAY, SO I'M A BAD
KICK THE CAN PLAYER.

- I MEAN, YOU'RE ABOUT THE
TERRIBLEST KICK THE CAN PLAYER

IN THE WHOLE BLOCK EXCEPT
MAYBE FOR SHORTY EGGLESTON.

- MAYNARD.
- AND HE'S 87 YEARS OLD.

- HIS FATHER AIN'T TOO
GOOD A PLAYER EITHER.

- ISN'T A GOOD
PLAYER, GOOD BUDDY.

MAYNARD, EMILY'S NOT GONNA
PLAY KICK THE CAN WITH YOU.

- OKAY, THEN I GUESS
I'M STUCK WITH YOU.

COME ON. MAYBE IF
YOU CHEAT, YOU CAN WIN.

LET'S GO!

- MAYNARD, I'M SHOCKED AT YOU!

- WHO AIN'T?

- MAYNARD, HOW CAN YOU SUGGEST

THAT DOBIE PARTICIPATE
IN A VIGOROUS EXERCISE

IN HIS, SHALL WE SAY, CONDITION?

- OKAY, LET'S SAY CONDITION,

AND IT'S A PRETTY
PATHETIC CONDITION.

YOU OUGHTA SEE HIM IN
THE SHOWER. HE'S PUNCHY.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S
PAUNCHY, AND I AM NOT!

- DOBIE, DO YOU MEAN THAT
MAYNARD, YOUR BEST FRIEND,

DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT YOU?

- KNOW WHAT? WHAT?
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

- WELL, I JUST FIGURED IT'D BE
EASIER ON HIM IF HE DIDN'T KNOW.

MAYNARD, I HEAR YOUR
MOTHER CALLING YOU.

- KNOW WHAT? WHAT?
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

- DOBIE, YOU'RE MUCH
TOO SOFTHEARTED.

YOUR FRIENDS SHOULD KNOW.

- KNOW WHAT? WHAT?
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

- MAYNARD, WHAT I'M
ABOUT TO TELL YOU

MAY BE VERY DIFFICULT
FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND.

- NATURALLY.
- EMILY, PLEASE.

- QUIET, SWEETHEART.
- YEAH, QUIET, SWEETHEART.

- LISTEN TO ME
CAREFULLY, MAYNARD.

SOONER OR LATER, EACH OF US

MUST COME FACE TO FACE
WITH THE FACTS OF LIFE.

- OH, NO! IF YOU'RE
GONNA GIVE ME A TALK

ABOUT THE BIRDS AND
THE BEES, I'M CUTTING OUT!

MY FATHER DID IT ONCE

AND EVERY TIME I SEE A
BIRD OR A BEE, I BLUSH!

- NO, IT'S NOTHING LIKE THAT.

NOW BRACE YOURSELF,
MAYNARD, DEAR.

DOBIE, YOUR BEST FRIEND,

THE BOYHOOD CHUM WITH WHOM
YOU SHARE SO MANY HAPPY MEMORIES,

WELL, HE'S ABOUT TO LEAVE US.

IN SIX MONTHS, HE'LL BE GONE.

MAYNARD, YOU'VE
GOT TO FACE UP TO IT.

IN SIX MONTHS, DOBIE
WILL BE GONE FOREVER.

HE'S DYING.

- HEY, DOBE, AFTER YOU'RE GONE,

CAN I HAVE YOUR
OLD ROLLER SKATES?

- MY ROLLER SKATES?

- YEAH, YOUR ROLLER SKATES.
- MAYNARD.

- WELL, IT'S A CINCH YOU'RE
GONNA HAVE NO USE FOR 'EM.

- MAYNARD, YOU CAN'T MEAN THAT.

- SURE, I DO. I ROLLER
SKATE PRETTY GOOD.

- GOODBYE, MAYNARD.
- OH. WELL, SO LONG, DOBE.

OH, YEAH, AND DON'T
FORGET TO WRITE

NO MATTER WHICH WAY YOU GO.
- WHAT?

HEY, MAYNARD, DON'T SAY A WORD

ABOUT MY UNTIMELY
PASSING TO ANYBODY,

NOT TO ANYBODY. YOU UNDERSTAND?

- SURE, I UNDERSTAND
THE WORD ANYBODY.

I CAN EVEN SPELL IT.

E-N-E-B...

- STOP, MAYNARD. TOO BAD
YOU HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE.

- I HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE?
- YOU DO.

- HOW DID YOU KNOW I
HAD TO SAY GOODBYE?

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT.

OOH, WHAT AN AGE WE LIVE IN!

GOODBYE.
- GOODBYE.

- DOBIE, DOESN'T ANYBODY
KNOW ABOUT THIS?

NOT EVEN YOUR MOTHER AND FATHER?

- GOODBYE, ALREADY!
YOU BET THEY DON'T,

AND MAYNARD WON'T TELL THEM.

YOU CAN CALL MAYNARD
A LOT OF THINGS,

AND EVERYBODY DOES,

BUT IF THERE'S ONE THING
HE ISN'T, IT'S A LOUDMOUTH.

- MAYNARD, YOU CAN'T MEAN IT.

MY BOY, MY SON DOBIE,

HEADING FOR THAT GREAT
BIG SUPERMARKET IN THE SKY?

- LOOK AT IT THIS WAY,
MR. G., IN SIX MONTHS,

IF YOU CALL DOBE FOR
DINNER AND HE DON'T SHOW UP,

DON'T BE SURPRISED.
- OH, MAYNARD!

YOU'RE MAKING THIS WHOLE
THING UP OUT OF YOUR HEAD

AND IT'S NOTHING
BUT A BIG FAT LIE...

OH, I JUST REMEMBERED.

IT TAKES BRAINS
TO TELL BIG FAT LIES,

SO YOU'RE PROBABLY
TELLING THE TRUTH.

AND, OH, DOBIE, MY POOR BOY!

HE'S TOO YOUNG TO GO!

- THERE, THERE, MR. G.,
DON'T CARRY ON SO,

EVEN IF YOU ARE THE WIDOW.

- OH, I ONLY WISH I
COULD GO INSTEAD.

- WHO DON'T?

- [TAPPING] HERBERT,
OPEN THIS DOOR!

I GOT ALL THESE PACKAGES!

- OH, POOR WINNIE.

HOW AM I GONNA BREAK
THE NEWS TO HER?

- EASY. JUST SAY, AIN'T IT
TOO BAD ABOUT OLD DOBE,

THE WAY HE'S GONNA KICK OFF?

- MAYNARD, YOU CAN'T
SAY THINGS LIKE KICK OFF!

- HOW ABOUT CROAK?
- MAYNARD, LISTEN.

YOU BETTER KEEP OUTTA THIS

OR WE'RE GONNA
BE IN BIG TROUBLE.

I'LL HANDLE IT.

- WE'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.
- MAYNARD!

I REMEMBER HOW SHE CARRIED ON

WHEN HER PET GOLDFISH DIED.

NOW REMEMBER,
CALM AND COLLECTED.

- CALM AND COLLECTED, RIGHT.

- MAYNARD!

NO BREAKING DOWN, NO TEARS,
NO SOFT-HEADED SNIFFLES!

- RIGHT, MR. G.

- TALL, TOUGH, STRONG, MANLY!

- WHAT ON EARTH HAVE YOU
TWO BEEN TALKING ABOUT?

I'VE BEEN STANDING
THERE FOREVER!

- OH, WINNIE POO,
AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU!

- ME TOO, WINNIE POO!

[SOBBING]

- ALL RIGHT. SO I
TOLD A LITTLE LIE,

BUT THERE'S A REASON FOR IT,

A PERFECTLY SOUND,
HONEST, LOGICAL REASON.

I'M A LIAR.

BUT THIS TIME, THINGS
WERE GETTING OUT OF HAND,

SO I MADE UP MY MIND

THAT I'D CLEAR UP THE
MESS ONCE AND FOR ALL

BY TELLING THE TRUTH,

AND NOTHING WAS GONNA STOP ME.

- HO HO, WHY, SURE, BOY,

YOU CAN HAVE THE
KEYS TO THE CAR.

KEEP IT OUT ALL NIGHT!

AND, HERE, TAKE $20
FOR SPENDING MONEY!

HAVE A GOOD TIME! LIVE IT UP,

MY POOR, DOOMED SON!

- DOBIE DEAR, I'M GOING TO
SERVE YOU BREAKFAST IN BED

EVERY SINGLE DAY.

AND FOR DINNER TONIGHT,
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE?

LEMON MERINGUE PIE

OR STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE
WITH WHIPPED CREAM?

- OF COURSE I'LL GO OUT WITH
YOU TONIGHT, DOBIE DARLING,

OR ANY NIGHT.

JUST PROMISE YOU'LL LET
ME HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS

AND SOOTHE YOU AND COMFORT YOU

AND KISS AWAY THE PAIN.

- I GUESS I'D BETTER FACE IT.

I'M JUST NOT READY
FOR THE TRUTH.

I'LL HAVE TO WAIT FOR
THE PROPER MOMENT

AND, IF I'M LUCKY AND I
PLAY MY CARDS RIGHT,

THAT MOMENT MIGHT
NOT SHOW UP FOR YEARS.

♪ BUMP, BUMP-BUMP,
DOIN' THE KANGAROO ♪

♪ JUMP, I REALLY MEAN IT ♪

♪ DOIN' THE KANGAROO JUMP ♪

HEY! HEY! WOW!

- VERY GOOD, DAD, VERY GOOD.

- AH, THANK YOU,
MY LOYAL PUBLIC!

THAT NUMBER WAS THE
SENSATION, YOU KNOW,

OF THE ROYAL BISON
LODGE FROLIC IN 1942.

THERE'S NOTHING I WOULDN'T DO.

THERE'S NOTHING TOO GOOD
FOR, OH, MY POOR AILING BOY!

- EASY! DAD, EASY!

YOU'LL DENT THE
STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE.

- I'M SORRY, SON.

OH, I KNOW I AIN'T BEEN THE
BEST FATHER IN THE WORLD,

BUT I INTEND TO
MAKE IT UP TO YOU

IN THE LAST FEW MISERABLE
MONTHS YOU GOT LEFT.

- HERBERT!
- NO, DOBE.

WHAT I MEAN IS, WE'RE
GONNA HAVE A LOT OF FUN

RIGHT UP TILL THE LAST MINUTE,

IF YOU LIVE THAT LONG.

- MR. GILLIS!
- WHAT I MEAN IS, SON,

I'LL TAKE YOU OVER
TO THE FAIRGROUNDS

AND YOU CAN RIDE THE
PONIES AND WEAR A DARK SUIT

IN CASE SOMETHING
HAPPENS ON THE WAY OVER.

- HERBERT.

- THANKS, DAD. YOUR
HEART'S IN THE RIGHT PLACE.

- YEAH.

AIN'T IT TOO BAD THAT YOU'RE
NOT PUT TOGETHER THAT GOOD?

- EMILY, DOBIE NEEDS HIS
REST FOR THE ORDEAL AHEAD.

- UH, LEAVE THIS, MOM.
I MAY FORCE MYSELF

TO TAKE A LITTLE
NOURISHMENT LATER.

- OHH, MY GOOD BUDDY'S GONE!

LIKE, HE BAT THE DUST
AND THEY LAID HIM OUT

WITHOUT TELLING HIS
INTIMATEST FRIEND!

LIKE, WOW IS ME!
LIKE, WOW IS ME!

- MAYNARD, THAT'S WOE IS ME,

AND PLEASE STOP
THAT CARRYING ON!

- MY GOOD BUDDY'S NOT GONE!

IT'S LIKE A MIRACLE!

OH, FOR JOY! FOR JOY!

- MAYNARD, PIPE
DOWN. I'M NOT DYING.

- YOU'RE NOT?
- NO, IT'S TRUE.

I'M PERFECTLY HEALTHY.

I COOKED UP THE WHOLE STORY

JUST SO I COULD GET
SYMPATHY FROM EMILY.

- YOU MEAN, YOU AIN'T DYING?

- SHH! THEY'LL HEAR YOU.

I'LL PROBABLY LIVE
TO A RIPE OLD AGE.

- WELL, THAT'S A
PRETTY DIRTY TRICK.

- MAYNARD...
- I MEAN, AFTER ALL,

I WROTE YOUR FUNERAL
SPEECH AND EVERYTHING!

- I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.

- WELL, A FAT LOT OF
GOOD THAT DOES ME!

HERE I'M STUCK WITH THIS SPEECH

AND HOW MANY FELLAS DO I
KNOW NAMED DOBIE GILLIS?

- BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME.

NOW LOOK, MAYNARD, NOBODY
KNOWS ABOUT THIS BUT YOU AND ME,

SO KEEP IT UNDER YOUR
HAT, HUH? I GOT A GOOD THING

GOING FOR ME HERE AND
I DON'T WANNA BLOW IT.

- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WHEN
THEY START PLANTING DAISIES

IN YOUR POCKET?
- DON'T WORRY,

I'LL THINK OF
SOMETHING BEFORE THEN.

- SURE, YOU WILL, GOOD
OLD RELIABLE DOBE.

BUT JUST IN CASE YOU DON'T,

LISTEN TO THIS
BEAUTIFUL WRITIN' I WRIT.

"DEAR MORBID CURIOSITY SEEKERS,

"I WOULD LIKE TO TELL
YOU WHAT KIND OF A FELLA

"MY GOOD BUDDY DOBE
REALLY WAS ON THE INSIDE.

"BUT THAT WOULD
BE A TERRIBLE WAY

"TO TALK ABOUT A CORPSE.

"OLD DOBE WAS KIND
OF A RAT SOMETIMES

AND HE LIED CONSIDERABLE..."

- MAYNARD!

WE WERE GOING TO
STOP TALKING ABOUT...

WELL, ABOUT YOU KNOW WHAT.

- NO, WHAT?
- OH, MAYNARD!

YOU KNOW, EVERYTHING'S FOR
YUCKS AND CHEERFULNESS, YOU KNOW.

EVERYBODY WILL
HAVE TO... [SOBBING]

- DAD, WATCH THE
STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE!

- OH, EXCUSE ME.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

- HERBERT, WERE YOU
EXPECTING SOMEONE?

- NO. AND IT CAN'T BE
ANY OF YOUR RELATIVES.

IT AIN'T DINNERTIME.

- THAT MUST BE DR. BURKHART.

SHE SAID SHE'D
DROP IN AROUND NOW.

- DR. BURKHART FROM THE COLLEGE

WHO'S ALWAYS MESSING AROUND
WITH SKELETONS AND X-RAYS

AND BONES AND LIKE THAT?

- YES. SHE'S BEEN DOING
ADVANCED RESEARCH IN VIENNA.

AND WHEN SHE GOT BACK THIS
AFTERNOON AND HEARD ABOUT YOU,

SHE INSISTED ON COMING OVER.

- I FEEL A HORRIBLE
RELAPSE COMING ON.

- OH!

- WHOA!

- DOBIE, WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE

ABOUT YOU HAVING
ONLY SIX MONTHS TO LIVE?

- THOSE ARE THE
BREAKS, DR. BURKHART.

MY CASE IS HOPELESS.

- HOGWASH! THERE ARE
NO HOPELESS CASES.

- LIKE HI, DR. B.

- WELL, PRACTICALLY
NO HOPELESS CASES.

- DR. BURKHART, THE DOCTORS
HAVE GIVEN UP ON OUR POOR BOY.

- WELL, I'M NOT GIVING UP.

I'VE FLUNKED HIM IN TOO MANY
COURSES TO LOSE HIM NOW.

- IT'S NO USE, DR. BURKHART.

I'M HEADING FOR
THE LAST ROUNDUP.

- INDEED YOU ARE NOT.
REPORT TO MY OFFICE

PROMPTLY AT 9:00
TOMORROW MORNING.

I'M GOING TO PUT YOU THROUGH A
COMPLETE PHYSICAL EXAMINATION.

- OH, THANK YOU,
DR. BURKHART! THANK YOU!

- I'M NOT PROMISING
ANYTHING, MIND YOU,

BUT IF HARD WORK,
SINCERE EFFORT...

AH?
- AH.

- AND IF ONE OF THE FINEST MINDS

IN THE FIELD OF MEDICINE
CAN DO ANYTHING,

WE'LL SAVE THIS PATHETIC WRECK.

- REMEMBER, DOC, YOU'RE
EXAMINING HIM IN YOUR OFFICE.

I DON'T WANT NO BILL
FOR A HOUSE CALL.

- DR. BURKHART, I APPRECIATE

WHAT YOU'RE TRYING
TO DO, HONEST,

BUT...
- CHIN UP, DOBIE.

WE'RE GOING TO SAVE YOU.

- OH, FOR JOY! FOR JOY!

- YES, FOR JOY, FOR JOY!

- FOR JOY, FOR JOY.

THE TIME TO TELL THE
TRUTH HAD FINALLY ARRIVED.

THE TRUTH WOULD CLEANSE
ME AND WOULD PURIFY ME.

IT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL
TALL AND STRAIGHT AGAIN.

YES, SIR, WITH ALL THESE
POWERFUL REASONS

FOR TELLING THE TRUTH,

IT WASN'T EASY TO KEEP LYING.

- A MIRACULOUS CURE
TOOK PLACE OVERNIGHT

AND YOU'RE HEALTHY AGAIN?
- RIGHT.

I'M THE FIRST CURE ON RECORD
SINCE THE EARLY 14th CENTURY.

ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL?
- THAT'S WHAT IT IS,

DOBIE DEAR, WONDERFUL.
- ATTABOY, DOBE.

YOU JUST KEEP TALKING THAT
WAY RIGHT UP TO SHOVEL TIME.

- BUT I'M CURED, I TELL YOU!

I WOKE UP IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

AND ALL THE PAIN WAS
GONE, GONE, GONE!

DO YOU HEAR ME?
- YES, WE HEAR, DARLING.

OH, I WONDER WHERE
DR. BURKHART IS.

IT'S AFTER 9:00!

- LOOK, WHY WON'T
YOU BELIEVE ME?

- I'M READY FOR YOU, DOBIE.

- NO, DR. BURKHART.
YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME.

I'M CURED. I'M A
CAREFREE YOUTH AGAIN.

SEE, I'M TWISTING.

- OF COURSE YOU'RE CURED,
DOBIE. YOU COME WITH ME.

- DR. BURKHART, YOU'RE
HANGING AN INNOCENT MAN.

- YOU KNOW, I'M NOT
PROMISING YOU ANYTHING, DOBIE,

BUT WE'LL RUN A COMPLETE
SET OF TESTS AND X-RAYS

AND PERHAPS WE'LL FIND
SOMETHING VERY SURPRISING.

- I KNOW, I KNOW. THAT'S
WHAT I'M AFRAID OF.

- DON'T WORRY, MAYNARD.

DR. BURKHART WILL BE
FINISHED WITH THE EXAMINATION

ANY MINUTE NOW. YOU'LL SEE,

DOBIE WILL BE FINE AND HEALTHY.

- WHO TOLD YOU? WHO
SQUEALED? WHO WAS THE RAT?

- WHAT?
- OH, NO.

THAT'S ALL THE INFORMATION
YOU'RE GONNA GET OUTTA ME!

I MEAN, IT AIN'T FOR NOTHIN'
THEY DON'T CALL ME A LOUDMOUTH,

YOU KNOW.

- HERE WE ARE
AND WE'RE FINISHED.

- THAT'S THE WORD, FINISHED.

- AND MY GOOD BUDDY
IS CURED! GLORYOSKY!

NOW HE CAN RUN AND TRIP
AND FALL LIKE DAYS OF OLD!

- MAYNARD!
- OH, FOR JOY, FOR JOY, FOR JOY!

- MAYNARD!
- WHERE'D EVERYBODY GO?

- MAYNARD, WE WON'T KNOW
THE RESULTS OF THE EXAMINATION

UNTIL THESE TESTS AND
X-RAYS ARE ANALYZED.

- DOBIE'S FATE IS
IN THAT FOLDER?

- YES, AND I HAVE HIGH HOPES.
- I DON'T.

- I WILL TAKE THESE
RIGHT OVER TO THE LAB.

- OH, LET ME DELIVER
THEM, HUH, DR. B.?

I CAN RUN REAL FAST.

ASK ANY KICK THE CAN
PLAYER IN THE BLOCK!

- WELL, ALL RIGHT, MAYNARD.

GIVE THOSE REPORTS
TO DR. FOSDICK

ON THE THIRD FLOOR
OF THE BIOLOGY BUILDING.

HE'LL KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THEM.
- I KNOW WHAT I'D DO WITH THEM.

- NOW DON'T WASTE TIME,
MAYNARD. GET MOVING.

- I'LL RUN LIKE THE VERY WIND!

WHOA-OH-OH!

OOH, AM I SORRY,
SIR! I DIDN'T SEE YOU!

SEE, I'M ON, LIKE, AN
ERRAND OF MERCY

AND I GOTTA, LIKE,
MOVE REAL FAST.

I GOTTA RUN LIKE THE WIND!

HEY! LIKE HI! SHORTY EGGLESTON,
HOW ARE YOU, SHORTY?

- OH, HELLO THERE, MAYNARD.

HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE THE
LAST KICK THE CAN TOURNAMENT.

- OH, YEAH. YOU SURE GOT ME
IN THE SHINS GOOD THAT TIME.

HEY, YOU GO TO
SCHOOL HERE, SHORTY?

- NOPE. GRADUATED 62 YEARS AGO.

CLASS OF OUGHT NOTHIN'.

I CAME HERE TO BRING THESE
X-RAYS AND THINGS TO MY DOCTOR.

HE'S A PROFESSOR OVER
AT THE MEDICAL SCHOOL.

- YEAH. HEY, SHORTY,
YOU TAKE A GOOD PICTURE.

I'D KNOW YOU ANYPLACE.

- NO, THAT DOESN'T
LOOK MUCH LIKE ME.

- OKAY. THEN IT MUST BE DOBIE.

WELL, HERE. WELL,
SO LONG, SHORTY,

AND SAY HELLO TO YOUR
FATHER, MR. EGGLESTON, FOR ME.

I GOTTA DELIVER THESE X-RAYS.

- I HAVE HERE THE RESULTS
OF THE PHYSICAL EXAMINATION

OF MR. DOBIE GILLIS.

- OH, DR. BURKHART,
HURRY, PLEASE!

- YEAH, DON'T SUSPENSE
US LIKE THEY DO

ON THOSE DOCTOR
TELEVISION SHOWS.

GET TO THE POINT.

- I THINK I'LL WAIT
OUTSIDE SOMEWHERE,

LIKE ACROSS THE MEXICAN BORDER.

- THE TESTS PROVED
CONCLUSIVELY THAT THE SUBJECT,

MR. DOBIE GILLIS, IS
IN PERFECT HEALTH!

- OH, GOOD!

- FOR A MAN IN HIS 80s.

- IN MY 80s?

- WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT, DOC?

HAVE YOU SCUTTLED YOUR
STETHOSCOPE COMPLETE?

- IN HIS 80s?

- OH, DEAR!

- AT THE RATE HIS INTERNAL
ORGANS ARE AGING,

IT'S AMAZING THAT
HE'S LASTED THIS LONG.

- IN MY 80s?

GOODBYE, FRIENDS.

THIS COULD WELL BE THE LAST
TIME I'LL EVER SPEAK TO YOU.

WHAT STARTED OFF AS A
HARMLESS LITTLE PRANK

TO IMPRESS A GIRL

HAS ENDED UP WITH THESE
SYMBOLS OF DISASTER.

IN A FEW DAYS, I'LL BE
CASHING IN MY CHIPS

AND I DON'T EVEN GAMBLE!

- HELLO, NOT-LONG-FOR-THIS-WORLD
GOOD BUDDY.

- OH, NO.
- MAYNARD, WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE.

- HELLO, CHICK OF MY GOOD
BUDDY NOT-LONG-FOR-THIS-WORLD.

HEY, DOBE, LOOK WHAT I RAN
ACROSS IN THE NEWSPAPER,

AN AD FOR THE SIMPSON
BROTHERS MARTIANS.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S MORTICIANS,

AND FOR HEAVEN'S
SAKE, PUT IT AWAY!

- LISTEN TO THIS. FOR $375,

YOU GET TWO
USHERS IN BLACK SUITS,

ALL THE FLOWERS YOU CAN USE

AND MR. MORIBUND SIMPSON
WILL PLAY TWO CHORUSES

ON THE ELECTRIC ORGAN OF ANY
SAD SONG REQUESTED BY THE FAMILY.

- MAYNARD, PLEASE.
EVERYTHING'S CHANGED.

- AH, GOOD MORNING, STUDENTS.
COME, COME, COME NOW.

THAT'S NO WAY TO LOOK
ON A BRIGHT SUNSHINY DAY.

LOOK ALIVE!

OH, PRESENT COMPANY
EXCEPTED, OF COURSE.

OH, DEAR, FORGIVE
ME, MR. GILLIS.

- OH, BOY.
- OH, DON'T BE DEPRESSED, DOBIE.

AFTER ALL, WE ALL
HAVE TO GO SOMETIME.

OH, I MEAN, WELL...

- MAN, WITH ALL
THESE BARGAIN RATES

THE SIMPSON
BROTHERS ARE OFFERING,

IT'S JUST MY TERRIBLE
ROTTEN LUCK TO BE ALIVE!

- THERE, THERE, DOBIE.
EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY.

DON'T LET MAYNARD BOTHER
YOU. HE'S JUST A DEADBEAT!

OH!

DOBIE, JUST BE CALM.

- MAN, MY GOOD BUDDY,
THE LATE DOBIE GILLIS,

SURE DOES NEED HELP

AND I'M THE HELPFUL PAL
WHO'S GONNA DIG IT UP.

- DID HE SAY DIG?
- DIG?

- WHO SAID DIG?
- YEAH, WHO SAID DIG?

- DIG?
- I THINK IT WAS, LIKE, ME.

- IN OUR WORK, WE DO A
GREAT DEAL OF DIGGING.

- OH, BUT WE PREFER PLANTING.

- I AM POSTHUMOUS J. SIMPSON,

PRESIDENT OF THE
SIMPSON BROTHERS

IN CHARGE OF ALL
BELOW-THE-GROUND ACTIVITIES.

- AND I AM MORIBUND T. SIMPSON,

VICE PRESIDENT IN
CHARGE OF ADVERTISING.

OUR MOTTO, SERVICE
WITHOUT A SMILE.

- WELL, I'M MAYNARD G.
KREBS, AND WHO'S SMILING?

- MR. KREBS, IS THE
PURPOSE OF YOUR VISIT

HERE TO DEEP SLEEP
PARK BUSINESS OR SOCIAL?

- WELL, I GUESS IT
MUST BE BUSINESS

'CAUSE I DON'T SEE A SOUL
I'D LIKE TO SOCIALIZE WITH,

NO OFFENSE.

- THEN SHALL WE PROCEED
TO THE MATTER AT HAND

AND START CALLING
A SPADE A SPADE?

- WELL, I SEEN THIS
AD IN THE PAPER

AND I'M HERE TO
START NEGOTIATING.

- OH, THEN YOU'RE INTERESTED

IN PARTAKING OF OUR SERVICES.

IS THAT IT?
- YEAH, LIKE TRUE.

I MEAN, I WANT SOME
LITTLE NICK SOMEPLACE.

THOUGH NOT TOO CLOSE
TO THE SHOPPING CENTER.

- HOW TALL ARE YOU, MR. KREBS?

- 5'11".

OR IS IT 11'5"? I FORGET.

- HE MEASURED HIS
HEIGHT STANDING UP.

HOW QUAINT.

WELL, 16 INCHES, I'D ESTIMATE.

- A PERFECT SIZE
9-C, MEDIUM DEEP.

- 9-C, MEDIUM DEEP?
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

I'M NOT THE VICTIM.
I-I'M NOT THE PATIENT.

I'M...
- THE WORD IS CLIENT.

- WHATEVER IT IS, I AIN'T.

- MR. KREBS, WE'LL
TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU.

- FOREVER.

- WHAT DO YOU
THINK I'M AFRAID OF?

LOOK, IT'S NOT FOR ME. IT'S
FOR MY GOOD BUDDY DOBIE.

HE'S HEADING FOR
THE LAST ROUNDHOUSE.

- UH, THAT'S ROUNDUP, AND GOODY.

NOW THEN, MR. KREBS,

LET ME FILL YOU IN ON OUR
GO NOW, PAY LATER PLAN.

- SOME OTHER TIME, HUH?

- OH, WE'LL BE AROUND
SOME OTHER TIME,

BUT WILL YOU?

- LIKE HAIL AND FAREWELL!

- MR. KREBS?

NOW, THERE'S NOTHING
TO BE ALARMED ABOUT.

JUST LOOK ON US AS YOUR FRIENDLY
NEIGHBORHOOD REAL ESTATE BROKER.

- WE'RE OFFERING YOU A
SMALL BUT LOVELY PLOT OF LAND.

- SIRS?

- EXACTLY 3 BY 6.
- BY 6.

- YOUR WORSHIPS...
- RIGHT ON THE TOP OF A HILL.

OH, THE VIEW IS MAGNIFICENT.
- YOUR UNDERGROUNDSHIPS...

- THIS MAY NOT SEEM
IMPORTANT TO YOU,

BUT IT IS ESSENTIAL
TO YOUR VISITORS.

- YOU WOULDN'T WANT THEM TO BE
STUCK AT THE BOTTOM OF A GULLY

WITH NOTHING TO
SEE, NOW WOULD YOU?

- I WANT MY MOTHER!

- NOW, MR. KREBS,

ABOUT YOUR COSTUME
FOR THE GROUNDBREAKING,

YOU CAN'T WEAR THAT
ATROCIOUS OUTFIT.

I WOULDN'T BE
CAUGHT ALIVE IN IT.

- AH!

I WONDER IF FOUR DOZEN LILIES
WILL IMPROVE HIS APPEARANCE.

- NOT MUCH, I'M AFRAID.

I THINK WE'D BETTER MAKE
THIS A PRIVATE SHOWING.

OPENING IT TO THE PUBLIC WOULD
DO NOTHING FOR OUR REPUTATIONS.

I'M AFRAID HE'S A LOSS,
A DEAD LOSS, OF COURSE.

- TRUE! FOR A WHILE HERE, I
THOUGHT WE HAD A LIVE ONE.

OH, HA! IF YOU'LL
EXCUSE THE EXPRESSION.

- COULDN'T WE GET TOGETHER
AND TALK ABOUT THIS LIKE LATER?

- HERE'S OUR CARD.

CALL US WHEN YOU NEED US.

- GOODBYE, MR. KREBS.

YOU'RE LOOKING FINE.

- VERY NATURAL.

- SO LONG!

YOU'RE ALL HEART, BOTH OF YOU.

YOU BEEN A MILLION LAUGHS.

- OH, HERBERT!

- OH, I KNOW IT'S ROUGH, WINNIE.

BUT A LITTLE LAUGHING
AND A LITTLE WORKING

AND IT TAKES YOUR MIND OFF
THAT UNMENTIONABLE SUBJECT

WHICH I SHALL REFRAIN FROM
MENTIONING, NAMELY DOBIE.

- OH, HERBERT!

- OH, LOOK, HONEY. LOOK AT THIS.

A LITTLE LAUGHING
AND A LITTLE WORK

AND ALREADY I FEEL BETTER.

- HEY, MR. G., AFTER THE
LATE DOBIE GILLIS IS GONE,

I'LL BE MORE THAN
HAPPY TO COME IN

AND SNITCH THINGS OUT
OF THE CASH REGISTER.

I'LL BE LIKE YOUR VERY OWN SON.

- ALREADY I FEEL WORSE NOW.

- MR. GILLIS, MRS. GILLIS,

I JUST WISH THERE WAS
SOMETHING I COULD DO.

- THANK YOU, DR. BURKHART,

BUT THERE'S NOTHING
THAT ANYONE CAN DO.

- HEY, LIKE HI, SHORTY!

- HI, MAYNARD.

HELLO THERE, YOU LOVELY
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

SAY, TAKE A LOOK AT ME.

HOW OLD WOULD YOU SAY I AM?

TELL THE TRUTH NOW.

- 109?

- WHAT I AM IS 87,

BUT I JUST GOT A REPORT
BACK FROM MY DOCTOR.

HE SAYS I HAVE THE
CONSTITUTION OF A BOY OF 20.

- FINE, FINE. BUT WE'RE
A LITTLE INVOLVED

HERE TODAY, MISTER.

- NOW HE CHECKED MY
X-RAYS, MY BLOOD TESTS,

SAYS HE NEVER SAW A
CASE LIKE IT IN HIS LIFE.

WELL, HELLO THERE, KIDDO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?

- WHO, ME?
- YEAH. HOW'S ABOUT YOU AND ME

STEPPING OUT TO DO THE TOWN,
HEY, MY LITTLE SWEET PATOOTIE?

- MISTER?
- SORRY, MRS. GILLIS.

YOU'RE A MARRIED WOMAN.

AND, BESIDES, YOU'RE
A MIGHT TOO OLD

FOR A LAD OF 20.

- NOW WATCH IT HERE, EGGLESTON!

- WHAT DO YOU SAY, GIRLIE?
OLD DOC FOSDICK SAYS

MY CASE IS ONE OF THE TWO
STRANGEST HE'S EVER RUN ACROSS.

AND YOU'RE THE LUCKY BABY DOLL

WHO'S GONNA GET IN ON
THE FUN. [CLICKS TONGUE]

- DR. FOSDICK AT
THE MEDICAL SCHOOL?

- YEAH. NICE YOUNG FELLA.

- HOLD THE PHONE.

THINGS ARE SUDDENLY
BEGINNING TO MAKE SENSE!

- YEAH, TO ME TOO.
- THEY ARE?

- NO.
- MAYNARD, THE OTHER DAY,

DID YOU TAKE DOBIE'S TESTS AND
X-RAYS DIRECTLY TO DR. FOSDICK?

- OH, YEAH, I RAN
LIKE THE VERY WIND.

THE ONLY STOP-OFF I MADE
WAS WHEN I RAN INTO SHORTY.

THAT WAS SOME MIXUP OF
THE PICTURES, HUH, SHORTY?

- THAT'S RIGHT.
- NOW I GET IT.

- AND NOW I GET IT.
- AND I GET IT TOO.

- SO DO I.

- AND NOW I'M GONNA
GET THAT MISERABLE,

CONNIVING, SNEAKING KID!

- YOU RANG?

- NO, MAYNARD. THAT
OTHER MISERABLE,

CONNIVING, SNEAKING KID!

- GEE, SHORTY, THE
OLD KICK THE CAN GAMES

AIN'T BEEN THE SAME WITHOUT YOU.

REMEMBER HOW YOU USED
TO LOSE YOUR GLASSES

AND YOU KICKED ME
INSTEAD OF THE CAN?

- YEAH, BUT NOW
THAT I'M A KID AGAIN,

I DON'T NEED THE GLASSES.

LOOKIE.

OLLY OLLY OXEN FREE FREE FREE!

OH, YEAH, WE SURE
DO MISS YOU, SHORTY!

DON'T YOU COME BACK!

- DOBIE, I WANNA TALK TO YOU!

- STAND BACK! LADIES FIRST!

ONLY I DON'T FEEL LIKE A LADY.

- OH, HIYA, FOLKS. I WAS
JUST GONNA RING FOR YOU.

SAY, DAD, YOU WOULDN'T MIND
LENDING ME $25, WOULD YOU?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
LEND YOU? LENDING MEANS

YOU'RE GONNA PAY IT BACK AND
HOW YOU GONNA PAY ANYTHING BACK

WHEN YOU'RE PRACTICALLY
SIX FEET UNDER?

- DAD!
- WELL, OF COURSE,

WE'LL SELL YOUR CLOTHES AND
GET A FEW BUCKS OUT OF THAT,

YOUR BASEBALL MITT AND THINGS.

WITH ALL THIS JUNK AROUND HERE,

YOU'RE WORTH MORE
DEAD THAN YOU ARE ALIVE.

- DAD, PLEASE! I'M A SICK MAN!

- AS A MATTER OF FACT,
WHY WAIT TILL HE'S GONE?

HERBERT, LET'S SEND FOR
THE JUNKMAN RIGHT AWAY.

- WHAT AN AWFUL WAY TO TALK
TO A FELLA IN MY CONDITION.

- DOBIE, I BOUGHT THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL BLACK HAT AND VEIL

FOR THE, SHALL
WE SAY, FESTIVITIES.

DO YOU THINK I'LL LOOK
DEVASTATING IN BLACK?

- DAD? MOM? EMILY?
DR. BURKHART? WHAT'S GOING ON?

I'M ON MY LAST LEGS AND
YOU TREAT ME LIKE THIS?

- YOU'VE GOT TO FACE IT,
BUSTER. YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY OUT,

SO WHY BEAT AROUND THE BUSH?

- BUT THERE'S STILL A
CHANCE FOR YOU, DOBIE,

A MIRACULOUS CURE.

- A MIRACULOUS CURE?

DR. BURKHART'S GONNA
GIVE ME A MIRACULOUS CURE?

- NOT ME, DOBIE, YOUR FATHER.

- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT
A MINUTE! DAD?

DAD? DAD?

I GUESS YOU MIGHT SAY
I LEARNED MY LESSON.

I MEAN, WHEN TELLING A LITTLE...

A HUGE FIB WHIPS UP THE
KIND OF TROUBLE I WHIPPED UP,

YOU REALIZE THAT NOTHING...

I REPEAT, NOTHING IN THE
WORLD IS IMPORTANT ENOUGH

TO MAKE YOU START
LYING AGAIN, NOTHING!

WELL, ALMOST NOTHING.

- UH, MISS? MISS?

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.

I AM SURFBOARD W. GILLIS,

THE EMINENT AUTHORITY
ON WATER SPORTS.

IN THE LAST
OLYMPIC... UH, GAMES...