The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 4, Episode 6 - What Makes the Varsity Drag? - full transcript

[CHEERING]

- COME ON NOW, GANG.

LET'S SHOW THE TEAM
HOW EVERY STUDENT

OF PRYOR COLLEGE IS
BEHIND THEM ALL THE WAY.

AND...
- PRYOR, PRYOR, SIS-BOOM-BAH!

GO BEAT DENTAL,
RAH RAH RAH! YAY!

- NOW THAT'S WHAT I WANNA HEAR.

NOW LET'S HERE YOU
SHAKE THE FOUNDATIONS

OF PRYOR COLLEGE
BECAUSE HERE'S THE FELLOW

THAT'S GONNA LEAD US
TO VICTORY TOMORROW

OVER SOUTHERN CENTRAL
DENTAL, YOUR HERO AND MINE,



DOBIE GILLIS.

- BOO! BOO!

[JAZZ THEME]

- I KNOW WHAT ALL YOU SPORTS
FANS MUST BE WONDERING

ABOUT ME RIGHT NOW.

AM I HERO, OR AM I A BUM?

LET ME ANSWER THAT RIGHT
STRAIGHT FROM THE SHOULDER.

YES, I AM.

YOU SEE, I GOT TO BE A
FOOTBALL PLAYER BY MISTAKE,

ALTHOUGH IT WAS KIND
OF A NATURAL MISTAKE.

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS IT.

THIS ONE'S FOR ALL THE MARBLES.

GOTCHA, MAYNARD.

- MAN, ARE YOU HOT TODAY, DOBE.



THAT'S THREE
BOULDERS AND AN AGATE

YOU WON OFF ME.
- GILLIS, KREBS, ON YOUR FEET.

- YES, SIR, COACH PRENDERGAST.

- AND BE QUICK ABOUT
IT. ALWAYS KEEP MOVING.

HOW DO YOU THINK I GOT
IN THE SHAPE I'M IN, HUH?

- OVER-EATING?

- QUIET, KREBS.

TAKE THESE DIRTY
UNIFORMS TO THE LAUNDRY.

- SIR, WE ARE NOT DELIVERY MEN.

- OR WOULD YOU PREFER A
BIG, FAT, FLUNK IN PHYS-ED?

- SIR, WE'RE DELIVERY MEN.

- AND SMILE.
- WE'RE SMILING.

- WE'RE SMILING.
- WE'RE SMILING.

- AND ON THE DOUBLE.
THIS AIN'T NO KIDDY GAME!

- HELLO.

HOW DELIGHTFUL TO
FIND ONE SO FAIR AMID...

- GET LOST, WALDO.

- AH, THAT'S WHAT I LIKE.

A FIERY SPIRIT TO
MATCH A FIERY BEAUTY.

- FLAKE OFF, CORNBALL.

- I GET THE FEELING YOU'RE
TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING.

- HOW YOU DOING, DOBE, BAD?

- BAD.
- MISERABLE.

- LIKE, ALWAYS, YOU
BETTER GET MOVING.

THE COACH WAS GROWLING AT
YOU LIKE YOU STOLE HIS T-FORMATION.

- COACH?

YOU'RE FOOTBALL PLAYERS.
- WHERE? WHERE? WHERE?

- I SHOULD'VE KNOWN ALL
THOSE FOOTBALL SUITS.

IT'S EASY TO SEE YOU'RE
ROUGH AND TOUGH AND FEARLESS.

- IT'S EASY TO SEE YOU
NEED GLASSES, NO OFFENSE.

- I JUST CAN'T RESIST
FOOTBALL HEROES.

- THEN YOU WON'T HAVE
NO TROUBLE WITH US, MA'AM.

WE'RE CLASSIFIED 4-F IN THE
PHYSICAL MISFITS PROGRAM.

- MAYNARD, ENOUGH. ALLOW
ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.

I AM DOBIE GILLIS, AND
I AM A QUARTERBACK.

- I'M LOTTIE LEE McQUIDDY, AND
I'M THE NEW DRUM MAJORETTE.

- I AM MAYNARD G. KREBS,
AND I COLLECT TIN FOIL.

- WHY DON'T YOU GO RUN FOR
A FIELD GOAL OR SOMETHING.

LOTTIE LEE, MY FAIR
ATHLETE WORSHIPPER,

I SHALL BE BRIEF FOR
THERE IS SO LITTLE TIME

WHAT WITH SKULL
SESSIONS AND SCRIMMAGES

AND TACKLING DUMMIES.

- YOU RANG?

- MAYNARD, GOODBYE.

- MY SWEET, WILL YOU
DO THIS OLD PIGSKINNER

THE HONOR OF SHARING
A MALT AFTER PRACTICE?

- I WOULD BE HONORED, MY TIGER.

- WE SHALL TALK OF MANY
THINGS, OF CROWDS, OF RALLIES,

OF HOW STRONG I AM.

UNTIL THEN, MY HEART.

- ALL RIGHT, KREBS,
BACK TO THE HURLY BURLY

OF BODILY CONTACT.

CROUCH DOWN, MAYNARD,
YOU KNOW, BLOCKING.

- OH, NO, DOBE, I
FRACTURE TOO EASILY.

- MAYNARD, I'LL EXPLAIN
LATER. DOWN. READY? HIKE!

MAYNARD!
- DON'T HURT HIM, DOBIE,

YOU BIG BRUTE.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

- OKAY, MAYNARD, ONCE
MORE UNTIL SHE'S GONE

AND MAKE ME LOOK GOOD.

READY? HIKE!

- MAYNARD!

MAYNARD?

HI THERE.

- HELLO, SONNY.

- YEAH, SORRY.

I MISTOOK YOU FOR
MY FRIEND HERE.

WE WERE, UH, WORKING OUT.

- HOLD IT.

I NOTICED YOU WERE CONVERSING
WITH THE LITTLE LADY THERE.

- YEAH.

- DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE.

- UH, I BEG YOUR PARDON?

- HE SAID, "DON'T
DO THAT ANYMORE."

- YOUR BUDDY'S GOT IT RIGHT.
- I DON'T GET IT.

- I'LL INTERPRET, GOOD BUDDY,
'CAUSE I DIG THOSE ADENOIDS

LOUD AND CLEAR.

- IT MEANS DO NOT
TALK TO LOTTIE LEE.

DO NOT BUY HER NO
POM-POMS OR MALTEDS.

DO NOT LOOK AT HER, OR
DO NOT ASSOCIATE WITH HER

IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER
AS SHE IS MY GIRL.

- AND, UH, WHO ARE YOU?

- I AM STANISLAUS JAHURSKI.

- DID YOU JUST SNEEZE?

- KNOWN TO GRIDIRON
FANS THE LAND OVER

AS ROADBLOCK JAHURSKI.

- GESUNDHEIT.
- MAYNARD.

- THE MOST DEVASTATING
FULLBACK IN THE HISTORY

OF SOUTHERN CENTRAL DENTAL.

I AM HERE TO VISIT
MY LADY FRIEND,

NAMELY LOTTIE LEE McQUIDDY.

AND SHOULD YOU EVER
SPEAK TO HER AGAIN,

THEN I WILL BE FORCED
TO BEAT YOU SEVERELY

ABOUT THE HEAD AND BODY
SO YOU WOULD BE REMOVED

TO THE EMERGENCY WARD
OF THE NEAREST HOSPITAL.

- HMM.

- HEY, YOU CAN'T
TALK TO US LIKE THAT.

- MAYNARD, MAYNARD, LOOK
AT HIS MUSCLES, AND HE CAN.

- STAND BACK, DOBE. HE
WON'T LAY A GLOVE ON YOU.

LISTEN, SHORTY.

- WHERE AM I?

- MAN, LOOK, HE'S,
LIKE, HOMOGENIZED.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S HYPNOTIZED.
HE SURE IS. IT'S LIKE A TRANCE.

MR. JAHURSKI... ROADBLOCK, SIR?

I WONDER WHAT DID IT?

- MAYBE I GOT SOME
MAGIC, SPOOKY POWER.

MY FATHER ALWAYS FALLS
ASLEEP WHEN I TALK TO HIM.

OF COURSE, I THINK
HE'S JUST PRETENDING.

- MAYNARD, WE BETTER
GET OUT OF HERE.

- MAYBE WE BETTER CALL A
GARAGE AND HAVE HIM TOWED AWAY.

- MAYNARD.

- DARN IT, IT'S HAPPENED AGAIN.

ROADBLOCK, WAKE UP, ROADBLOCK.

ROADBLOCK, EVERYTHING'S FINE.

THERE'S NOTHING
TO BE SCARED ABOUT.

ROADBLOCK!

- WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED?

DID YOU GET THE NUMBER
OF THAT HIPPOPOTAMUS

THAT HIT ME?

- NOTHING HIT YOU.
IT'S JUST THAT WORD.

YOU HEARD IT AND
YOU WENT BLANK AGAIN.

- YOU MEAN SHORTY?

- SNAP OUT OF IT! ROADBLOCK!

- I CANNOT HELP IT, LOTTIE LEE.

EVER SINCE I WAS BORN
AND THE DOCTOR SLAPPED ME

AND I SLAPPED HIM BACK,

I'VE BEEN BIGGER AND
STRONGER THAN EVERYBODY.

WHY DO PEOPLE ALWAYS GOTTA
THINK THEY'RE FUNNY AND CALL ME SH...

- NO, DON'T SAY IT.
- YEAH.

YEAH, WHY DO THEY ALWAYS
GOTTA CALL ME THAT NAME?

IT GETS ME SO MAD,
I GET INTO A TRANCE

LIKE I WAS HOMOGENIZED.

- ROADBLOCK, THAT'S HYPNOTIZED.

CALM DOWN. NOBODY
MEANS YOU ANY HARM.

- THEY CERTAINLY SHOULD
NOT WANT TO HARM ME.

- YES, ROADBLOCK.

- FOR I'M A PERFECT
EXAMPLE OF A KIND-HEARTED,

RED-BLOODED AMERICAN FELLOW.

- WHEN I FIRST RAN INTO
ROADBLOCK JAHURSKI,

I'LL ADMIT I WAS SCARED,
BUT THEN I STARTED

TO THINK ABOUT HIM AND
HIS LOUDMOUTH THREATS.

WHAT RIGHT DID THAT
BIG APE HAVE TO FORBID ME

TO SEE LOTTIE LEE AGAIN?

NONE. SO WHAT DID I DO?

- YOU, GILLIS, A
FOOTBALL PLAYER?

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

- I'M A LITTLE SURPRISED MYSELF.

- AREN'T YOU THE ONE WHO
GOT A DOCTOR'S EXCUSE

TO KEEP OUT OF THE INTRAMURAL
PING-PONG TOURNAMENT?

- I HAD A HEAVY COLD.

- NOW THE RULES HERE STATE
THAT ANY DUALLY REGISTERED

UNDERGRADUATE MALE
CAN GO OUT FOR FOOTBALL.

GO CHECK OUT A SUIT.

- OH, THANK YOU, SIR.

- OH, ONE THING, GILLIS.

DON'T EVER EXPECT TO SET FOOT
ON THE FIELD IN AN ACTUAL GAME.

- OH, THANK YOU, SIR. THANK YOU.

- SO I BECAME A FOOTBALL
PLAYER, QUARTERBACK.

AND WHY NOT?

I'M FAST, TOUGH, BRAINY
AND COURAGEOUS AND...

A BIT OF A LIAR.

- BUT I KNEW I'D NEVER
SEE A MINUTE OF ACTION

BECAUSE THERE WERE
THREE OTHER QUARTERBACKS

WHO WERE FASTER,
TOUGHER, BRAINIER

AND MORE COURAGEOUS THAN ME.

- OH, YOU SON OF A GUN,

YOU SWIVEL-HIPPED SON OF A GUN,

I'M COMING AFTER YOU.

- NOW, HOLD IT, DAD. HOLD IT.
YOU'RE GONNA HURT YOURSELF.

DAD, DAD. NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

- I'M THE ONLY THING BETWEEN
YOU AND PAY DIRT, BABY.

- HOLD IT, DAD.

- HA HA HA! - HEY, DAD... DAD!

- HERBERT, IF YOU WANT TO PLAY,
I WISH YOU WOULD GO OUTSIDE.

- DAD, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

- AM I ALL RIGHT? OH, THIS IS

THE PROUDEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE.

DID YOU SEE HOW
HE GAVE ME THAT HIP

AND THEN TOOK IT AWAY FROM ME?

- NO, DEAR, WAS THAT WHEN YOU
WENT THROUGH THE INVENTORY?

- HE IS A GHOST. HE
IS A WILL-O'-THE-WISP.

MY SON, A FOOTBALL HERO.

- DAD, DON'T GET EXCITED.

I'M ONLY A FOURTH-STRING
QUARTERBACK.

- ONLY, HE SAYS.

YOU'VE HAD ONE PRACTICE
AND ZOOMED RIGHT PAST

THE FIFTH-STRING QUARTERBACK.

- THERE IS NO
FIFTH-STRING QUARTERBACK.

- DETAILS, DETAILS.
DON'T FIGHT IT, SON.

YOU HAVE A DATE WITH DESTINY.

OH, I CAN SEE THE
HEADLINES NOW...

"ANOTHER GILLIS
TWINKLE-TOES HIS WAY

TO FOOTBALL IMMORTALITY."

OH, BOY.

- DAD, YOU'RE A
FOOTBALL IMMORTAL?

- OH, ARE YOU KIDDING?

WINNIE, WINNIE, TELL HIM
WHAT A SMASH I WAS, HUH?

TELL HIM HOW I WAS A
FAIR COUNTRY PLAYER?

TELL HIM HOW I NEVER GAVE
THE COACH NO TROUBLE?

TELL HIM... TELL HIM THE TRUTH.

TELL HIM HOW I WAS A DUD.

- NO, DEAR, THERE IS ONE
GOOD THING THAT I CAN SAY

ABOUT YOUR FOOTBALL PLAYING.

- YEAH? YEAH? WELL,
TELL HIM. TELL HIM.

- YOU NEVER GOT
YOUR UNIFORM DIRTY...

- DID YOU HEAR THAT?
DID YOU HEAR THAT, BOY?

- BECAUSE YOU NEVER
WENT INTO A GAME.

- ALL RIGHT. SO I WASN'T
A FOOTBALL IMMORTAL,

BUT MY SON'S GONNA BE.

HE'S GONNA MAKE THE
NAME OF GILLIS FAMOUS.

- DAD, ALL I WANNA DO IS
EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID.

- YOU WOULDN'T DARE.

- YES, THOSE WERE WONDERFUL,
UNFORGETTABLE DAYS.

I WAS REVERED BY MY FAMILY,
ADORED BY MY LOVED ONE

AND TOLERATED BY MAYNARD.

IN FACT, THERE WAS
ONLY ONE TINY FLAW

IN THE WHOLE HAPPY
PATTERN OF MY LIFE.

- GILLIS, I WARNED YOU
NOT TO SEE MY LADY FRIEND,

LOTTIE LEE, ON PENALTY
OF INSTANT MAYHEM.

- GOLLY, MR. ROADHOUSE, THAT
MUST'VE SLIPPED DOBIE'S MIND

'CAUSE HIM AND LOTTIE LEE
HAVE BEEN OUT DAY AND NIGHT.

- MAYNARD.
- AHA.

AND DO YOU RECALL WHAT I
SAID WOULD HAPPEN TO YOU

IF YOU DID SEE LOTTIE LEE?
- IT'S COMING BACK TO ME.

AND LISTEN, ROADBLOCK,
YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG IDEA.

- I SAID I WOULD
HAVE TO BUST YOU UP.

- NOW, HOLD IT, ROADBLOCK.

- OH, YEA AND VERILY, SIR,
'CAUSE IF YOU BEAT UP DOBIE,

YOU'RE GONNA HURT YOUR HANDS
AND BE OUT OF THE GAME SATURDAY.

- YEAH. YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

WHICH THAT GIVES ME AN IDEA.
- WHAT'S THAT?

- I'LL BEAT YOU UP IN
THE GAME SATURDAY.

- OH, NO, YOU WON'T
BECAUSE I WON'T EVEN BE...

YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.

YOU'LL BEAT ME UP IN
THE GAME SATURDAY.

- SEE YOU ON THE FIELD, SONNY.

- YOU GOT YOURSELF
A DATE, BIG BOY.

- YEAH, BIG BOY, YOU
GOT YOURSELF A DATE.

- I CAN'T HARDLY WAIT.

- ME NEITHER.

- HIM NEITHER.

- YOU ARE LOOKING AT A HAPPY,
HEALTHY FOOTBALL PLAYER.

OF COURSE, I WOULDN'T
LOOK TOO HAPPY AND HEALTHY

IF ROADBLOCK JAHURSKI
EVER GOT HIS HANDS ON ME

IN SATURDAY'S GAME.

BUT I WAS SAFE.

I HAD THREE ABLE-BODIED
QUARTERBACKS

BETWEEN ME AND ROADBLOCK:
SWENSON, JENSEN AND BENSON.

- SWENSON, BENSON, JENSEN,
GET THIS AND GET THIS STRAIGHT.

THIS IS THE BIG
GAME OF THE YEAR,

AND I'M DEPENDING ON
EACH ONE OF YOU THREE.

- GANGWAY. BEEP BEEP - KREBS!

- BEEP-BEEP!
- KREBS, WHERE DO YOU THINK

YOU'RE GOIN'?
- WHAT?

- MAYNARD.

- YEAH, DOBE?
- KREBS! KREBS!

- SWENSON.

- BENSON.
- JENSEN.

- BEN, SAY SOMETHING,
SAY SOMETHING.

- YEAH, LIKE, SORRY.

- YOU'RE SORRY?

THESE GUYS ARE GONNA
BE OUT FOR A WEEK

AND THE BIG GAME OF THE
YEAR IS COMING UP IN TWO DAYS.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO GO WITH...

GILLIS?

- GILLIS?
- GILLIS?

- WHAT DID I TELL YOU, SON?

CLAS WILL TELL. YOU
ARE DESTINY'S TOP.

- HEY, DAD, PLEASE.

- OOP, OOP, OOP, I'M SORRY.

I DON'T WANNA
UPSET THAT SENSITIVE

MUSCULAR MECHANISM.

YOU'RE GONNA TAKE
ENOUGH PUNISHMENT

IN SATURDAY'S GAME.

- I'M AFRAID SO.
- YEAH.

♪ LET'S GO, S. PETER PRYOR ♪

♪ RUN AND START A FIRE ♪

- HEY, LOOK WHAT IT SAYS
IN THE PAPER ABOUT YOU,

SNIVEL HIPS.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S SWIVEL
HIPS, AND NEVER MIND.

- "GILLIS TO START IN BIG GAME."
- WELL, THAT'S ACCURATE.

- "MAY NOT FINISH."
- THAT'S ACCURATE, TOO.

MAYNARD, DO YOU
KNOW WHAT'LL HAPPEN

IF I PLAY IN THAT GAME SATURDAY?

I DON'T KNOW THE PLAYS.
I CAN'T RUN. I CAN'T PASS.

- YEAH, BUT NOBODY
ON THE WHOLE TEAM

CAN DRINK WATER LIKE YOU.
- YEAH.

ONE MORE LITTLE THING.

ROADBLOCK JAHURSKI.

- THAT'S MORE,
LIKE, ONE BIG THING.

- TRUE.
- MORE, LIKE, TWO BIG THINGS.

- YEAH, I'M DOOMED.
HE'LL KILL ME.

- WELL, WE ALL
GOTTA GO SOMETIME.

- MAYNARD, I'LL BE A GREASE
SPOT ON THE 50-YARD LINE

UNLESS I CAN FIGURE OUT
SOME WAY TO STAY OUT OF THAT...

MAYNARD, MAYNARD, SAY,
IF I DID SOMETHING AWFUL,

THE SCHOOL WOULD MAKE
ME INELIGIBLE TO PLAY.

- DOBE, YOU WOULDN'T.

- YES, I WOULD.

- MR. GILLIS, YOU'RE CHEATING!

- ME? CHEATING?

AREN'T YOU JUMPING TO
CONCLUSIONS, DR. BURKHART?

- I HARDLY THINK SO.

- I GUESS THEN IT PROVES
THAT CRIME DOES NOT PAY.

- NO TEARS, PLEASE, MR. GILLIS.

- AND I GUESS CHEATING ON A
FINAL EXAM MEANS I FLUNKED.

- WELL, YOU KNOW THE RULES.

- AND I GUESS I WON'T
BE ABLE TO PLAY

IN THE BIG GAME SATURDAY.

OH, FOR SHAME, FOR
SHAME, FOR SHAME.

- MR. GILLIS, I CAN'T SAY

THAT I'M NOT
DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.

THIS ISN'T LIKE YOU, BUT
THERE IS A BRIGHT SIDE.

- I KNOW, I KNOW.

- SEE, THESE PAPERS WILL
NOT BE GRADED UNTIL MONDAY

AND SO NO OFFICIAL ACTION
WILL BE TAKEN UNTIL THEN.

- OH?

- SO YOU CAN PLAY YOUR
HEART OUT SATURDAY, TIGER.

- LET'S HEAR THREE
BIG ONES FOR THE TEAM.

- PRYOR, PRYOR, SIS-BOOM-BAH.
GO BEAT DENTAL, RAH RAH RAH.

- YOU KNOW THE EXPRESSION

THERE'S MORE THAN
ONE WAY TO SKIN A CAT?

WELL, YOU'RE LOOKING AT A CAT

WHO WASN'T ABOUT TO WAIT
TILL SATURDAY TO GET SKINNED.

HELLO, JOE THE BOOKIE?

JOE, IT'S ME, D.G.

I DON'T WANNA USE MY
REAL NAME, DOBIE GILLIS.

THE PHONE MAY BE TAPPED.

JOE, WHAT ARE THE ODDS ON THE
PRYOR COLLEGE GAME SATURDAY?

UH-HUH. UH-HUH, YEAH.

WELL, I'D LIKE TO BET
500... NO, NO, MADAM,

THIS IS NOT THE BIDE-A-WEE
DOG HOSPITAL. NO, BYE.

COACH, UH, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- GILLIS, WHAT'S YOUR GAME?

- I GUESS YOU
OVERHEARD MY PHONE CALL

WITH JOE THE BOOKIE.

- GILLIS, DO YOU KNOW
WHAT THE PENALTY IS

FOR A FOOTBALL PLAYER

IF HE BETS ON A GAME
THAT HE PLAYS IN?

- I'M AFRAID I DO, SIR.

YOU KICK HIM OFF THE SQUAD,

AND I WANT YOU TO
KNOW THAT I UNDERSTAND

THAT YOU HAVE TO DO YOUR DUTY.

- THAT'S RIGHT,
AND I'M RELENTLESS.

HOWEVER, I STOPPED
YOU BEFORE YOU ACTUALLY

MADE THE BET, SO
YOU'RE IN THE CLEAR.

- I'M MEAN AND ROTTEN
CLEAN THROUGH.

- NONSENSE, YOU'RE A
HIGH-SPIRITED AMERICAN BOY.

- BUT I'M CROOKED.
- NO, YOU'RE A REGULAR WIN.

ALL RIGHT, KID, GET OUT THERE
AND PLAY YOUR HEART OUT.

- THE SITUATION HAD
ALREADY PASSED DESPERATION

AND WAS HEADING RAPIDLY
TOWARD COMPLETE HOPELESSNESS.

SO YOU WILL UNDERSTAND
AND FORGIVE ME, I HOPE,

FOR WHAT I HAD TO DO NEXT.

THIS IS DEAN MAGRUDER,
THE ROTTENEST, TOUGHEST,

MEANEST PERSON ON
THE WHOLE CAMPUS,

STUDENT OR TEACHER
OR CLERICAL HELP.

THE HAPPIEST DAY IN HIS LIFE

WAS WHEN HE FLUNKED THE
ENTIRE SOPHOMORE CLASS

FOR NOT SALUTING HIM

WHEN HE WALKED
INTO THE CAFETERIA.

SO I KNEW I HAD IT MADE.

- OW.

YOUNG MAN, WHOEVER YOU ARE,

I HAVE JUST MADE IT MY
PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY

TO SEE THAT YOU ARE
EXPELLED, SUSPENDED,

SENTENCED TO HARD
LABOR, CONVICTED.

OH, IT'S YOU, GILLIS, THE
HIGH-SPIRITED QUARTERBACK.

YOU KNOW, IF THERE'S
ONE THING I LIKE,

IT'S A FOOTBALL PLAYER WITH
FIGHT AND INTESTINAL FORTITUDE.

- BUT, DEAN MAGRUDER, I...

- OH, YOU WERE JUST RELEASING
THE TENSIONS INSIDE YOU, MY BOY.

NOW, JUST KICK THAT
WELL TOMORROW

BECAUSE YOU ARE THE HOPE
OF S. PETER PRYOR COLLEGE.

- UH, BUT...

- BEAUTIFUL DAY FOR
THE GAME, EH, COACH?

ANY COMMENT ABOUT OUR CHANCES?

- I'M GONNA RESIGN.

- YEAH, AND WHAT'S THE TROUBLE?

- WELL, I DON'T HAVE
A QUARTERBACK.

THAT GILLIS IS A
HOPELESS STUMBLEBUM.

- OH, I WISH I'D KNOWN
THAT YESTERDAY.

- WELL, I HAVE THE ANSWER.

WE'LL JUST START ANOTHER
MAN AT QUARTERBACK, EH?

- THERE IS NO OTHER MAN.

- HEY, WHERE DOES THIS GO?

- OVER THERE ON THE BANDSTAND.

- THANKS. THIS WAY, BOYS.

- NOW, COACH, YOU'RE
JUST NOT TRYING.

SURELY, THERE MUST BE
SOME ABLE-BODIED SOUL

ON THIS CAMPUS WILLING TO GO
OUT THERE THIS AFTERNOON AND PLAY.

- YEAH, WELL, I SAW A
RATHER WELL-BUILT GIRL

ON THE WOMEN'S GYM
TEAM THE OTHER DAY.

ABLE-BODIED MAN, DID YOU SAY?

- RIGHT HERE ON THIS CAMPUS.

- ARE YOU THINKING
WHAT I'M THINKING?

- YES, I'M ASHAMED OF MYSELF

AND GET HIM BACK
HERE IMMEDIATELY.

- NOW YOU'RE TALKING, DEAN.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

- HEY, YOU, GARGANTUA.

CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR
A MINUTE, YOUNG MAN?

- WELL, I AIN'T GOT
MUCH TO SAY, BUT SURE.

HOLD THIS, BOYS.

- ARE YOU A STUDENT AT
S. PETER PRYOR COLLEGE?

- WHAT'S A COLLEGE?

- NOW, I HAVE AS MUCH SCHOOL
SPIRIT AS THE NEXT DEAN,

BUT I'M AFRAID WE'VE BITTEN
OFF MORE THAN WE CAN CHEW.

- OH, DON'T GIVE UP NOW, DEAN.

- ALL RIGHT. WE'LL FIRE THROUGH.

MY BOY, HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE TO GO TO SCHOOL HERE?

YOU CAN LEARN MANY
FASCINATING THINGS.

- WELL, IF THEY AIN'T TOO TOUGH,

LIKE READIN' AND WRITIN'.

- CONGRATULATIONS...
- NOT SO FAST.

- AFTER ALL, WE MUST GIVE HIM

SOME SORT OF
ENTRANCE EXAMINATION.

- DO WE HAVE TO?

- WELL, I OWE IT TO MY POSITION

AS THE MORAL LEADER
OF THIS CAMPUS.

- ALL RIGHT. DON'T
MAKE IT TOO TOUGH.

- WELL, I'LL MAKE
IT TOUGH BUT FAIR.

ALL RIGHT, BOY.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

- SCHULTZ.
- HE PASSES! HE PASSES!

- ANOTHER QUESTION.

ALL RIGHT, SCHULTZ, HOW
MUCH IS TWO PLUS TWO?

- SEVEN?

- I DON'T KNOW, COACH.

- OH, COME ON. GO AHEAD,
DEAN. HE ONLY MISSED IT BY ONE.

- CONGRATULATIONS, MY
BOY, YOU ARE NOW A STUDENT

OF S. PETER PRYOR COLLEGE.

- BUT WHAT ABOUT MY BROTHERS?

- ARE THEY AS SMART AS YOU?
- ALMOST.

- THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY IN
THE HISTORY OF THIS COLLEGE.

- YEAH, THE ONLY
BAD THING ABOUT IT

IS HOW AM I GONNA
BREAK THE NEWS TO GILLIS?

THE POOR KID WILL BE
HEARTBROKEN WHEN HE FINDS OUT

HE CAN'T PLAY IN THE GAME.

- I CAN'T PLAY IN THE GAME?

- THIS IS THE PART OF
COACHING THAT I HATE WORST,

BREAKING A POOR BOY'S HEART.

- YEAH, MY HEART'S BROKEN.

- LOOK, KID, BETTER
LUCK NEXT TIME.

- I HOPE NOT.

- WE'RE JUST ABOUT READY TO
GO HERE AT PRYOR STADIUM, FANS.

THAT'S PRYOR COLLEGE
IN THE WHITE JERSEYS

AND SOUTHERN CENTRAL
DENTAL IN THE BLACK JERSEYS.

SAY, HOW ABOUT THIS
FOR SPORTSMANSHIP,

ROADBLOCK JAHURSKI
OF CENTRAL DENTAL

HAS GONE TO THE PRYOR BENCH
TO WISH HIS OPPONENTS GOOD LUCK.

- SO HOW DID YOU GET
ON THE BENCH, GILLIS?

- THE HARD WAY, BELIEVE ME.

- YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT PLAYING?

- NOT UNLESS SOMETHING HAPPENS

TO THE FIRST THREE QUARTERBACKS.

- SOMETHING WILL, SONNY.

YOU'LL BE IN THERE BEFORE
THIS IS OVER, AND BAM.

- WELL, HAVE FUN, ROADBLOCK.

- DOBIE, I THOUGHT
YOU WERE STARTING?

- OH, WELL, THEY'RE SAVING
ME FOR THE BIG, SECRET PLAY.

- LET ME TALK TO THE
COACH, SON, I'LL FIX IT.

- NO, NO, DAD, LOTTIE LEE,

AFTER ALL, THIS
IS A TEAM EFFORT.

WE HAVE TO BE PATIENT AFTER ALL.

- THE CROWD IS ON
EDGE AS PRYOR LINES UP

FOR THE KICKOFF.

HERE WE GO.

THE GAME IS ON.

- SCHULTZ CARRIES,
AND HE'S NAILED HARD

BY JAHURSKI.

WAIT A MINUTE, SOMEBODY'S
DOWN, SOMEBODY'S HURT.

IT'S A PRYOR MAN,

AND ROADBLOCK JAHURSKI
IS HELPING HIM OFF THE FIELD.

WHAT A SPORTSMAN.

- HERE YOU ARE, GILLIS.

THAT'S ONE DOWN, TWO TO GO.

- OKAY, SCHULTZ
NUMBER TWO, IN THE GAME.

COME ON, HURRY UP.

- HA HA! YOU'LL BE IN THERE
BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, SON.

- THANKS A LOT.

- THINGS ARE REALLY
BREAKING YOUR WAY.

- I'M AFRAID SO.

- PRYOR MAN IS GETTING
UP VERY SLOWLY.

WAIT A MINUTE.
HE'S NOT GETTING UP.

[WHISTLE]

- ROADBLOCK JAHURSKI IS
HELPING HIM OFF THE FIELD.

WHAT A SPORTSMAN.

- HERE'S THE NEXT ONE, GILLIS.

THAT'S TWO DOWN, ONE TO GO.

- OKAY, SCHULTZ NUMBER
THREE, INTO THE GAME.

- WELL, COME ON, BABYFACE.

- WELL, YOU BETTER START
WARMING UP, SON, YOU'RE NEXT.

- I JUST REMEMBERED
SOMETHING I FORGOT.

- WHAT?
- MY GOOD LUCK CHARM.

- WELL, WHAT'S YOUR LOCKER
NUMBER? I'LL GO GET IT.

- NO, IT'S HOME IN MY
ROOM. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

- NOW, GILLIS. NOW.

- ALL RIGHT, GILLIS. YOU'RE IN.

LOOK AT IT THIS WAY, GILLIS,

YOUR CHANCES ARE MUCH BETTER
ON THE FIELD THAN HERE WITH ME.

- AND JUST IN CASE
YOU'RE INTERESTED,

I'M GOING TO THE PROM
WITH A HERO, NOTHING LESS.

[WHISTLE]

- BOY, MAKE ME PROUD
OF THE NAME GILLIS

OR FORGET YOUR
ALLOWANCE, IN PERPETUITY.

- ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT, I'LL GO ALREADY.

IS IT OKAY IF I GET MY HELMET?

- WHERE IS IT?
- IN THE LOCKER ROOM.

- WELL, HURRY UP AND GET IT.

- NO, I'LL GO THIS WAY.

- MAYNARD, WHERE'S MY HELMET?

- I THINK MY FROG'S IN IT.

- WELL, GET YOUR FROG
OUT OF IT AND GIVE IT TO ME.

- OKAY, DOBE.
- LOOK, MAYNARD,

MAYNARD, I'M GOING IN THE GAME.

- OH, YOU GOTTA BE JOSHING.

- NEVER MIND AND GIVE ME
A HAND WITH THIS HELMET.

- OH, WHAT A BLACK
DAY FOR S. PETER PRYOR.

- MAYNARD, MAYNARD!

MY HEAD, I... I CAN'T MOVE.

MAYNARD, MAYNARD,
I CAN'T PLAY LIKE THIS.

- OH, WHAT A BRIGHT
DAY FOR S. PETER PRYOR.

- THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'VE GOT TO PLAY.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
DOBE? YOU'VE BEEN TRYING

TO COP OUT FOR DAYS.
NOW'S YOUR CHANCE.

- MAYNARD, CONCENTRATE.
IF I DON'T GO OUT THERE,

THE DEAN WILL HAVE
MY HEAD ON A PLATE,

LOTTIE LEE WILL DUMP ME

AND MY FATHER WILL CUT
ME OFF WITHOUT A PENNY.

- YOU CAN'T GO OUT
THERE LIKE THAT, DOBE,

NOT IN THAT SHAPE.

I MEAN, THEY'D BE
BETTER OFF WITH ME.

- MAYNARD, I HAVE TO...

THAT'S IT.

- OH, NO, GOOD BUDDY.

- MAYNARD, YOU CAN DO IT.

GET YOUR SWEATSHIRT OFF.
- OH, DOBE.

- NOW, ALL YOU
HAVE TO REMEMBER IS

THAT WE'RE IN WHITE,
THEY'RE IN BLACK.

WE'RE IN WHITE,
THEY'RE IN BLACK.

- WE'RE IN BLACK,
THEY'RE IN WHITE.

- WE'RE BLACK, THEY'RE WHITE.

- [BOTH TALKING AT ONCE]

- NEVER MIND ALL THAT.
GET YOUR SWEATSHIRT OFF.

- I ALREADY TOOK IT OFF.
- WELL, TAKE OFF THE OTHER ONE.

- ONE MINUTE TO GO,

PRYOR'S BALL ON THEIR
OWN 40, THIRD DOWN.

- WHERE IS THAT LUNKHEAD GILLIS?
WE'VE HAD ENOUGH PENALTIES.

OH, THERE YOU ARE, GILLIS.
HEY, COME ON, GET IN THE GAME.

- THE NEW QUARTERBACK IS...

DOBIE GILLIS?

- LIKE, HI, TEAMMATES,
FANCY MEETING YOU HERE.

I MEAN, HOME-RUN GILLIS IS
READY TO SINK THAT BASKET.

- PRYOR TEAM IS COMING OUT
OF THE HUDDLE AND LINING UP.

GILLIS POUNCES BEHIND THE CENTER

GRIM, DETERMINED, EAGER,

THE LOOK OF A
BULLDOG ON HIS FACE.

- GONNA GET YOU, GILLIS.

- SIGNAL, 1, 2, 3,
4... NO, 4, 3, 2, 1.

HUP, 2, 3?

[CLAPS HANDS, WHISTLES]

THE BALL. [WHISTLES]

- A SNAP TO GILLIS.

HE'S RUNNING LIKE
A SHERMAN TANK.

- GO, SON, GO! YOU GOT IT MADE.

THERE'S NOBODY
BETWEEN YOU AND THE GOAL

BUT ONE PUNY LITTLE PLAYER,

ROADBLOCK JAHURSKI...
ROADBLOCK JAHURSKI?

- COME ON, GILLIS, I'VE
BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.

- MR. SHORTY?
- SHORTY?

- OOH!

- THEY CAN'T STOP
HIM. WHAT A RUN.

- MY PLAY!
- MY HERO!

- OH, MY CHIP OFF THE OLD BLOCK.

- IF THAT FOOTBALL GAME
MOVED TOO FAST FOR YOU, LISTEN.

MAYNARD RAN FOR A TOUCHDOWN,
BUT HE WAS WEARING MY NUMBER.

SO EVERYBODY THOUGHT IT
WAS ME AND I WAS A BIG HERO,

UNTIL I SHOT OFF MY
MOUTH AND THEY CAUGHT ME.

- AND THAT'S ONLY THE BEGINNING.