The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 4, Episode 5 - A Splinter Off the Old Block - full transcript

To win the sympathies of Clarissa, Duncan Gillis tells her that his cousin Dobie is an alcoholic, a role Dobie is eager to play if it means being rehabilitated by a young Ellen Burstyn as an idealistic social worker.

- I'VE KNOWN MY FATHER,
HERBERT T. GILLIS, FOR YEARS,

PRACTICALLY ALL MY
LIFE, YOU MIGHT SAY,

AND HE ALWAYS LOOKED
EXACTLY LIKE THIS.

FORCEFUL, STRONG, DETERMINED,
ROTTEN... EH, RESOLUTE, SOLID.

SO WHEN HIS BROTHER TIMOTHY,
UNCLE TIM, SUDDENLY SHOWED UP

AFTER YEARS OF TRAVELING AROUND
THE WORLD DIGGING OIL WELLS,

I KNEW DAD WOULD GREET
HIM IN HIS USUAL ROUGH,

MANLY, UNSENTIMENTAL WAY.

- IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.

- LONG, LONG TIME.

- TOO LONG, IF YOU ASK
ME. I THINK IT'S A SCANDAL.



HERBERT, YOUR OWN BROTHER.

YOU LET YEARS GO
BY BETWEEN VISITS.

SHAME ON YOU, BOTH OF YOU.

- WINNIE, WE'VE BEEN
A COUPLE OF BUSY MEN.

TIM GOING ALL OVER THE
WORLD AND DIGGING OIL WELLS

AND ME OPERATING
THIS SUCCESSFUL,

INDEPENDENT GROCERY STORE.

AND YOU KNOW WHEN A
COUPLE OF FELLAS GET MIXED UP

IN COMMERCE AND INDUSTRY,

THEY DON'T HAVE
TIME TO SOCIALIZE.

TRUE, TIM?

- TRUE.

- WHAT BRINGS YOU TO TOWN, TIM?
- WELL...

- HI, MOM. HI, DAD.
BYE, MOM. BYE, DAD.



GOT A DATE.

- WHAT YOU GOT IS COMPANY, BOY.

COME ON OVER HERE
AND SHAKE HANDS

WITH YOUR UNCLE TIM.
- HELLO, DOBIE.

- WELL, UNCLE TIM, GEE,
IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU.

HOW ARE YOU? HOW'S
YOUR LITTLE BOY...

- DUNCAN.

- OH, DUNCAN, DUNCAN, YES.

HE STILL DRAGGING THAT
TEDDY BEAR AROUND?

- HE'S 16 YEARS OLD, DOBIE.

- WELL, THAT'S NOTHING.

I'VE GOT A FRIEND,
MAYNARD G. KREBS...

WELL, NEVER MIND THAT.

- UNCLE TIM, I HOPE
YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.

I'VE GOT KIND OF
AN IMPORTANT DATE.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

MOM, DAD, EVERYBODY.

- SURE, BOY. SO LONG.

- FINE BOY.

- WELL, THAT'S A
DEBATABLE QUESTION,

BUT I'LL TELL YOU ONE
THING WE'RE HAPPY FOR,

THAT HE'S ALL GROWN UP
AND OUT FROM UNDERFOOT.

WINNIE AND I FEEL LIKE WE'VE
BEEN LET OUT OF PRISON.

- DON'T MISUNDERSTAND
US, TIMOTHY,

WE'VE ALWAYS LOVED DOBIE.

BUT IT IS A RELIEF NOT
TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH

THAT TEENAGE BUSINESS ANYMORE.

- OH, YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.

OH, I WOULDN'T HAVE A
TEENAGER AROUND THE HOUSE

AGAIN FOR A MILLION BUCKS.

- WELL, THAT'S KINDA WHAT I
WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

SEE, THEY MADE THIS OIL
STRIKE OUT IN CENTRAL AFRICA

AND I'VE GOT TO GO OUT
THERE, AND I WAS WONDERING

IF I COULD LEAVE DUNCAN
WITH YOU FOR A FEW MONTHS.

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NEGATIVE.

I'VE SERVED MY TIME
WITH TEENAGERS.

I'VE PAID MY DEBT TO HUMANITY.

ALL I WANT NOW IS A
LITTLE PEACE AND QUIET

BEFORE THE GREAT GROCER IN
THE SKY CALLS FOR MY INVOICE.

- SHAME ON YOU, HERBERT.

YOUR OWN BROTHER,
YOUR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD.

TIMOTHY, WE WILL BE DELIGHTED
TO HAVE DUNCAN STAY WITH US.

HOW SOON CAN YOU BRING
HIM HERE FROM CLEVELAND?

- WELL, AS A MATTER OF
FACT, HE'S NOT IN CLEVELAND.

HE'S... WELL, HE
WAS SITTIN' AROUND

THE CORNER IN MY CAR, BUT...

- HI, UNCLE HERBIE.
HI, AUNT WINNIE. HI, PA.

- AND WHO MIGHT
THIS YOUNG LADY BE?

- OH, SHE MIGHT BE AN
ANGEL FROM HEAVEN,

AND I'M NOT SURE SHE ISN'T.

BUT SHE LIVES
RIGHT HERE IN TOWN,

AND SHE ASSURES ME SHE'S
GOING TO THE SAME HIGH SCHOOL.

HOW'S THAT FOR KNOCKING IT
OUT OF THE PARK THE FIRST TIME UP,

HUH, UNCLE HERBIE?

HAVE SOME MORE
ROOT BEER, CLARISSA.

- I WAS JUST SITTING IN THE
CAR AND SHE CAME WALKING BY.

I TOOK ONE LOOK
AND SAID, "THIS IS IT,"

'CAUSE IF THERE'S
ANYTHING I KNOW, IT'S WOMEN.

HAVE SOME MORE
POTATO CHIPS, CLARISSA.

- THERE MUST BE A CURSE ON ME.

- OH, DAD, CLARISSA AND I ARE
GOING TO THE MOVIES TONIGHT.

YOU DON'T MIND IF I
TAKE A LITTLE LOOT?

WHAT AM I SAYIN'?

I DON'T LIVE WITH YOU ANYMORE.
I LIVE WITH UNCLE HERBIE.

YOU DON'T MIND IF I
TAKE A FEW BOB, DO YOU?

[JAZZ THEME]

- NOW LET'S GET
ONE THING STRAIGHT.

I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST YOUTH.

I USED TO BE YOUNG
MYSELF, BUT NOT THAT YOUNG.

DUNCAN, THAT'S TERRIBLE.

- I THINK IT'S PRETTY GOOD.
CAN YOU IMITATE A DUCK?

- YEAH. QUACK!

QUACK, QUACK, QUACK,
QUACK, QUACK, QUACK.

- OH, YEAH. BUT I'M A
CHICKEN MAN MYSELF.

BUCK! BUCK, BUCK, BUCK, BUCK.

- THAT'S NOT BAD, MAYNIE.
- WELL, THANK YOU, DUNKIE.

HEY, YOU WANT I SHOULD
IMITATE AN IGUANA?

AND THAT AIN'T EASY 'CAUSE
THEY DON'T MAKE NO NOISE.

- MAYNARD AND YOU, TOO, DUNCAN.

- OH, YOU CAN CALL ME DUNKIE.

- YOU WANT I SHOULD
IMITATE A DUNKIE?

- NO, MAYNARD.

WHAT DUNKIE WANTS IS THAT I
SHOULD GIVE HIM SOME ADVICE,

ISN'T THAT THE WAY THIS
CONVERSATION STARTED?

- WELL, YEAH, DOBE, I NEED
ADVICE ABOUT THIS CHICK

I'M WIG FOR, CLARISSA SPANGLER.

- YOU DIG CHICKS?
- BOY, DO I.

- I WAS BEGINNING TO LIKE YOU.

- DON'T PAY ANY
ATTENTION TO HIM, DUNKIE.

GIRLS ARE WONDERFUL.

- I KNEW YOU'D SAY THAT, DOBIE.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHY I
WANTED TO COME LIVE WITH YOU

INSTEAD OF MY COUSINS
IN DULUTH OR SPOKANE.

I'VE NEVER MET YOU BEFORE,

BUT I'VE BEEN A FAN
OF YOURS FOR YEARS.

OH, SURE, THEY CALL YOU THE
NUT AT THE FAMILY REUNIONS

ON ACCOUNT OF YOU'RE
ALWAYS CHASING GIRLS.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHY I PICKED YOU,

'CAUSE IF THERE'S ANYTHING
I ADMIRE IN THE WORLD,

IT'S A GUY WHO KNOWS
EVERYTHING ABOUT GIRLS.

- WELL, I DON'T KNOW...

- WELL, HE HARDLY KNOWS ANY...
- MAYNARD.

- I'VE DUG CHICKS EVER
SINCE I CAN REMEMBER.

I MEAN, IT SEEMS
TO ME THAT ONE DAY,

IT WAS MY TEDDY BEAR, AND
THE NEXT DAY IT WAS CHICKS.

- SHOULD HAVE STUCK
WITH YOUR TEDDY BEAR.

- WELL, THE TROUBLE
IS I DIDN'T HAVE A WISE,

MATURE HEAD TO
GUIDE ME LIKE I GOT NOW,

AND I REALLY NEED HELP,

'CAUSE I FINALLY
FOUND THE RIGHT ONE.

I MEAN, CLARISSA SPANGLER,

WHO I LOVE WITH EVERY
BREATH IN THIS TINY BODY,

WHO I GOTTA HAVE

OR ELSE LIFE WILL BE
AN EMPTY WASTELAND.

DOBIE, YOU JUST
GOTTA HELP ME GET HER.

- MY BOY, YOU'VE
COME TO THE RIGHT MAN.

FIRST, LET US REVIEW THE CASE.

HOW HAVE YOU COURTED
CLARISSA SO FAR?

- OH, I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING,

EVERY TRICK I'VE LEARNED IN
A LIFETIME OF CHASING CHICKS.

- DID YOU DO THE
IMITATION OF A CHICKEN?

- THREE TIMES. BUT NO DICE.

- OH, THIS CHICK
AIN'T WORTH HAVING.

- DUNCAN, BESIDES
IMITATING A CHICKEN,

WHICH I ADMIT IS ALMOST
IMPOSSIBLE TO RESIST,

WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU TRIED?

- WELL, I TOOK HER TO THE
MOVIES AND I BOUGHT HER POPCORN

WITH BUTTER ON IT

AND EVEN A BAG OF
CHOCOLATE-COVERED RAISINS.

- WITH BUTTER ON 'EM?
- NO.

- THAT'S WHERE YOU
MADE YOUR MISTAKE.

- MY BOY, WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS,

APPEAL TO THEIR SYMPATHY.

- HOW?

- MAKE HER THINK THAT
SOMEWHERE IN YOUR LIFE

THERE'S A DEEP, DARK TRAGEDY.

- WHAT KIND OF TRAGEDY?

- WHAT KIND OF
TRAGEDIES DOES SHE LIKE?

- I DON'T KNOW.

- WELL, FIND OUT, BOY.

JUST PLAY IT BY
EAR UNTIL YOU KNOW.

AND THEN WHEN YOU'RE SURE,
LAY IT ON GOOD AND THICK.

- DOBIE, I WANT YOU
TO KNOW THAT AS YOU,

THE OLDER GENERATION,

PASS ON THE TORCH FROM
YOUR FALTERING HANDS,

I WILL NOT FAIL YOU.

- YOU KNOW, MAYNARD, MY
COUSIN DUNKIE'S A LUCKY KID.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, DOBE?

- WELL, YOU KNOW, HAVIN' ME
TO GUIDE HIS UNSTEADY FEET

DOWN THE PATH TO ROMANCE
PROFITING FROM ALL MY SKILLS

IN THE ART OF LOVE.
- WHAT SKILLS?

- MAYNARD, DO YOU THINK

THAT WITHOUT MY
KIND OF KNOW-HOW,

I EVER COULD'VE GOT A
GIRL LIKE CATHY MORIN?

WHY, EVERY GUY ON CAMPUS
WAS CHASING HER LIKE A MANIAC,

BUT WHO GOT HER?

- NOT YOU.
- IS THAT SO?

WELL, FOR YOUR INFORMATION,
SHE ACCEPTED A LOCKET FROM ME

LAST NIGHT WITH
MY PICTURE IN IT.

OW!

- AND FOR YOUR
INFORMATION, DOBIE GILLIS,

SHE'S JUST RETURNED
THE LOCKET TO YOU

WITH YOUR PICTURE
IN IT. JUST NOW.

- YEAH, BUT CATHY.

- 14-KARAT GOLD, HE SAID,
14 BOX TOPS YOU MEAN.

- IS THAT WHAT YOU
GOT FOR 14 BOX TOPS?

WHAT I GOT WAS A
TRICK TELESCOPE, SEE?

WELL, IT ISN'T
REALLY A TELESCOPE.

WHAT YOU DO IS YOU PUT
IT UP TO YOUR EYE, SEE,

AND IT MAKES A BIG, BLACK
CIRCLE AROUND YOUR EYE.

WHAT YOU DO IS
FOOL YOUR FRIENDS.

ONLY I AIN'T GOT NO FRIENDS,

SO WHAT I DO IS FOOL
MYSELF ALL DAY LONG.

- ALL RIGHT, CATHY.

SO I GOT THE LOCKET
FOR BOX TOPS.

BUT SOMEDAY, I'M GONNA
HAVE LOTS OF MONEY.

- WELL, I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HAVE: ME.

GOODBYE, YOU PAUPER.

- HEY, CATHY, WAIT!

CATHY, CATHY!

- DOBE, YOU ALL RIGHT?

- MY ANKLE, I
THINK I SPRAINED IT.

- OH, GEE, LET ME CHEER
YOU UP, GOOD BUDDY.

- MAYNARD, WILL
YOU JUST HELP ME UP?

- SURE, LET ME CHEER
YOU UP SOME MORE.

- MAYNARD, YOU'D
BETTER HELP ME HOME.

- YEAH, DOBE.

- HI, CLARISSA.

- DUNCAN, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T
UNDERSTAND ME LAST NIGHT,

LET ME REPEAT.

YOU AND I ARE THROUGH,
KAPUT, FINIS, SAYONARA AND OUT.

- I CAN'T SAY THAT I'M
SURPRISED, CLARISSA.

AFTER ALL, TRAGEDY IS A
FAMILIAR OLD FRIEND TO ME.

- WELL, I'M NOT
SURPRISED EITHER.

SO LONG.

- GOODBYE.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, TRAGEDY?

- OH, FORGET IT, CLARISSA.

AFTER ALL, YOU'RE
YOUNG, BEAUTIFUL, VIBRANT.

A SHINING WORLD
LIES AHEAD FOR YOU.

DON'T GET INVOLVED
WITH THE LIKES OF ME.

- ARE YOU SICK OR SOMETHING?

- PHYSICALLY NO, BUT I'D
RATHER NOT TALK ABOUT IT.

- OH, WELL, YOU CAN
TELL ME, DUNCAN.

- YOU'RE SWEET, MY DEAR,

BUT WHAT DOES A SUNLIT
GOLDEN GIRL LIKE YOU KNOW

ABOUT THE DARK
CORNERS OF THE SOUL?

- CORNERS OF THE
SOUL? ARE YOU KIDDING?

WHY, I WATCH THE SOAP
OPERAS ON TELEVISION EVERY DAY.

THERE'S ONE ON AT 5:00 I
WOULDN'T MISS FOR ANYTHING,

"URSULA UPSHOT,
DENTAL TECHNICIAN."

MY GOODNESS, WHAT A
WONDERFUL PERSON SHE IS.

AND I JUST KNOW THAT
SEYMOUR, THAT'S THE DENTIST,

SEYMOUR WOULD
MARRY HER IN A MINUTE

BECAUSE HE'S CRAZY
NUTS IN LOVE WITH HER,

AND SHE'S APE OVER HIM TOO.

BUT SHE WON'T MARRY HIM.

- HOW COME?

- ALCOHOL.

- A DRUNKEN DENTAL TECHNICIAN?
- OH, NOT HER.

IT'S A MEMBER OF
HER FAMILY, SEE?

DRINKS UP EVERYBODY'S
WAGES EVERY WEEK.

20, 30 PEOPLE WALKING AROUND
WITH HOLES IN THEIR SHOES

BECAUSE THIS LUSH
KEEPS BELTING THE GRAPE.

SAY, THAT'S NOT
YOUR TRAGEDY, IS IT?

- WELL...

- BECAUSE IF IT IS, MY HEART
SURE GOES OUT TO YOU,

POOR THING.

- WELL, YOU GUESSED
IT, CLARISSA. THAT'S IT.

A MEMBER OF MY FAMILY
ALL THE TIME IN THE TANK.

- OH, YOU POOR BABY.

- THAT'S THE WAY THE CORK POPS.
- WHICH MEMBER OF YOUR FAMILY?

- WELL, IF YOU DON'T
MIND, I'D RATHER NOT SAY.

- I ADMIRE YOUR COURAGE, DUNCAN,

BUT SOMETIMES
IT'S BETTER TO TALK.

- WELL, YOU SEE,
I... WHAT I MEAN IS...

- HI, DUNKIE, DOBE
DON'T FEEL TOO GOOD.

- YOUR COUSIN DOBIE?
- SHH.

- HE'S YOUNG, TOO... OH,
WHAT A TRAGIC TRAGEDY.

- HEY, DUNKIE, YOU WANNA
COME HOME WITH ME?

- NOT NOW, COUSIN.

- HE HATES TO DRINK ALONE.

- I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

- DOWN THE HATCH.

- OH, YOU POOR DEAR THING.
HOW AWFUL THIS MUST BE FOR YOU.

- A MAN DOESN'T
LIKE TO COMPLAIN.

- WELL, YOU COMPLAIN
ALL YOU WANT.

IT'S TIME YOU CRIED ON
SOMEBODY'S SHOULDER.

- HOW'S YOUR ANKLE, DEAR?

- IT'S ALL BETTER, MOM.
- THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU GO OUT?

IT SEEMS LIKE A LOVELY
NIGHT FOR A DATE.

- IT IS, PROVIDED
YOU'VE GOT A GIRL.

- WHERE IS THE GIRL
THAT YOU HAD LAST WEEK?

- WHERE ARE THE
SNOWS OF YESTERYEAR?

- HEY, WINNIE, I THOUGHT
THERE WAS SOME COLD CHICKEN

IN THE ICEBOX.
- WELL, THERE WAS,

BUT DUNCAN WANTED A SNACK
WHEN HE GOT HOME LAST NIGHT.

- A SNACK? THE ONLY
PART OF THAT CHICKEN

THAT WAS MISSING WAS THE NECK.

- WELL, YOU KNOW HOW
GROWING BOYS ARE.

- I'VE BEEN TRYING TO FORGET,
BUT I'M LEARNING ALL OVER AGAIN.

- AREN'T THERE SOME RADISHES?

- GOOD THINKIN',
WINNIE, GOOD THINKIN'.

THAT'S JUST...
- YEAH, DAD, DAD.

- THAT'S JUST WHAT A
MAN NEEDS GOING TO BED,

A BIG BOWL OF RADISHES.
HE ATE THOSE TOO.

- WELL, THERE MUST BE SOMETHING.

- THERE IS, HALF A JAR
OF ENGLISH MUSTARD.

- THE OTHER HALF'S ON THE
SLEEVE OF MY NEW SPORT COAT.

- OH, STOP TALKING
LIKE INFANTS, YOU TWO.

I THINK IT'S NICE
HAVING DUNCAN HERE.

IT TAKES ME BACK.

- I WISH SOMEBODY
WOULD TAKE HIM BACK.

- OH, PISH, TOSH AND PIFFLE.

NOW YOU RUN OUT IN THE KITCHEN

AND GET US ALL A NICE,
COLD GLASS OF ROOT BEER.

- OH, NO, THANKS, MOM.
- ME NEITHER.

- BUT, HERBERT,
YOU LOVE ROOT BEER.

- I USED TO LOVE ROOT BEER,

BACK WHEN WE USED
TO MAKE OUR OWN.

REMEMBER, WINNIE?

- MM-HMM. IT WAS DELICIOUS.

DOBIE, YOU'VE NEVER HAD
ANY HOMEMADE ROOT BEER?

- NEVER, MOM.

- YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

YOUR FATHER AND I ARE
GOING TO MAKE YOU SOME

RIGHT NOW.

- OH, DON'T TROUBLE, MOM.

- IT'S NO TROUBLE AT ALL.

- OH, THE HECK IT AIN'T, BUT
WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT ANYWAY.

AND YOU KNOW WHY, SON?

BECAUSE ANY TIME A BOY
HAS THE DECENCY TO GROW UP

AND STOP BEING A TEENAGER,

WE SHOULD HAVE THE DECENCY
TO SHOW OUR APPRECIATION

BY MAKING HIM SOME ROOT BEER.

- OH, HI, DOBIE.

- GOOD EVENING, DUNCAN.

I TRUST YOU FOUND MY
JACKET COMFORTABLE?

- OH, YEAH, FINE.

BY THE WAY, WHILE WE
WERE AT THE RESTAURANT,

I SPILLED SOME BEET JUICE
ON IT, BUT THE WAITER SAID

YOU COULD DYE IT DARK RED.

- JUST WHAT I'VE ALWAYS
WANTED, A DARK RED JACKET

FOR THAT YOUNG EXECUTIVE LOOK.

- LISTEN, DOBIE, WE
GOT TO HAVE A TALK.

- RIGHT.

NOW, FIRST, I
WOULD LIKE TO SAY...

- FIRST, YOU BETTER LISTEN.

REMEMBER WHAT YOU TOLD
ME ABOUT TELLING CLARISSA

ABOUT THE TRAGEDY IN THE FAMILY?

AND I TOLD HER,
AND IT WORKED FINE,

AND WE'VE BEEN GETTING ALONG
LIKE GANGBUSTERS EVER SINCE?

- I REMEMBER, I REMEMBER.

- WELL, I NEVER TOLD YOU

WHAT THE TRAGEDY
IN THE FAMILY WAS.

I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D LIKE IT.
- WHY NOT?

- WELL, WHAT I TOLD HER
WAS... I'M ALMOST SURE

YOU'RE NOT GONNA LIKE THIS.
- NO.

- I TOLD HER YOU WERE
A HOPELESS ALCOHOLIC.

- HOPELESS ALCOHOLIC?

- I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D LIKE IT.

- DUNCAN, I'VE NEVER EVEN
HAD A SLICE OF RUM CAKE.

- I KNOW, BUT SHE
BOUGHT THE IDEA SO BIG

THAT I COULDN'T HELP
MYSELF. AS A MATTER OF FACT,

I'VE BEEN BUILDING IT UP
A LITTLE MORE EVERY DAY.

I THINK I OVERDID IT.

I TOLD HER TONIGHT
YOU WERE ON VARNISH.

- THANKS A LOT, AND
I'M SURE CLARISSA

TOLD ALL HER LITTLE
FRIENDS AT SCHOOL.

- WELL, YEAH, BUT
THAT'S NOT THE BAD PART.

THE BAD PART IS SHE
TOLD MISS WHITTAKER.

- WHO IS MISS WHITTAKER?

AND PLEASE TELL ME FAST
BECAUSE I AM ABOUT TO MURDER YOU.

- I GOT TO TELL YOU FAST 'CAUSE
SHE'S ON HER WAY UP HERE.

MISS WHITTAKER'S A SOCIAL WORKER

THAT LIVES NEXT
DOOR TO CLARISSA.

SHE'S COMING OVER
TONIGHT TO REHABILITATE YOU.

- I'LL REHABILITATE
YOU LIMB FROM...

[DOORBELL RINGING]

- DOBIE, PLEASE DON'T
LOUSE ME UP WITH CLARISSA.

YOU'RE A MAN WHO
UNDERSTANDS LOVE.

- DUNCAN, DO YOU HONESTLY
THINK I'M GONNA STAND HERE

IN FRONT OF SOME
OLD SOCIAL WORKER

AND TELL HER I'M A DRUNK?

- I'M DONNA WHITTAKER.
I'M THE SOCIAL WORKER.

- I'M THE DRUNK.

- WELL, I'VE COME TO HELP
YOU WITH THAT PROBLEM.

AND NO MATTER HOW LONG
IT TAKES, I'LL BE AT YOUR SIDE.

- HEY, KID, KID, RUN OUT
TO THE GARAGE THERE.

I THINK THERE'S A
LITTLE VARNISH LEFT.

- DOBE, YOU'RE A GREAT AMERICAN.

- HEY, BABY, WE'LL
HAVE A LITTLE SNORT,

AND THEN WE'LL PLAY A
LITTLE RUN SHEEP RUN.

- NO, MR. GILLIS, I
WANT YOU TO SIT

RIGHT DOWN HERE BESIDE
ME AND WE'LL HAVE A NICE,

QUIET TALK.

- ANYTHING YOU SAY, BABY.

- NOW, FROM NOW ON, I
WANT YOU TO TRUST ME

AND DEPEND ON ME COMPLETELY.

NOW, I'M NOT GONNA
GIVE YOU A LECTURE.

I JUST WANT YOU TAKE
ONE LOOK IN THIS MIRROR

AND SEE WHAT YOU'VE
DONE TO YOURSELF ALREADY.

THAT PUFFINESS, THAT
FLAB, THAT SICKLY PALLOR.

- HMM.

- NOW, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO LOOK LIKE THAT.

OH, I DON'T SAY YOU
COULD EVER BE HANDSOME.

- YOU DON'T, HUH?

- BUT THERE'S NO REASON WHY
YOU COULDN'T BE A PERFECTLY,

PRESENTABLE, USEFUL
MEMBER OF SOCIETY.

LET ME HELP YOU, MR. GILLIS.

LET ME TAKE YOU BY THE HAND

AND LEAD YOU BACK
TO THE HUMAN RACE.

- THIS COULD TAKE
A LONG TIME, BABY.

- THAT DOESN'T MATTER.

- I MEAN, YOU'D HAVE TO
BE WITH ME EVERY EVENING.

- OH, I'M FULLY PREPARED.

WE'LL GO TO CONCERTS,
FOOTBALL GAMES, MOVIES,

TEMPERANCE RESTAURANTS.

I'LL SHOW YOU A NEW, CLEAN,
WHOLESOME WAY OF LIVING.

- THIS HAS GOT TO RUN
INTO LOTS OF MONEY.

- THE FOUNDATION HAS A
BUDGET FOR THAT SORT OF THING.

- YOU KNOW WHAT I'M
GOING TO DO, PUSSYCAT?

I'M GONNA LET YOU
REHABILITATE ME.

- THANK YOU, MR. GILLIS.

IT WON'T BE QUICK
AND IT WON'T BE EASY.

BUT REMEMBER THIS,

WHEN THINGS GET
TOUGH, YOU LEAN ON ME.

- YEAH.

- NOW, IF I MAY, I'D LIKE
TO MEET YOUR PARENTS.

- WHAT FOR?

- WELL, WE LIKE TO GET
A COMPLETE PICTURE

OF THE SUBJECT, THE FAMILY
LIFE, THE ENVIRONMENT,

THE PARENTAL INFLUENCE.

WHERE ARE THEY?

- MY PARENTS?
THEY'RE IN HONG KONG.

- REALLY?

YOU HONESTLY BELIEVE YOUR
PARENTS ARE IN HONG KONG,

DOBIE?

- HONG KONG OR
MINNEAPOLIS, I FORGET.

- YOU POOR YOUNG MAN.
HOW FAR GONE YOU ARE.

- YEAH, I'M A SAD CASE.

- GOOD EVENING.
I'M MISS WHITTAKER.

YOU, I ASSUME, ARE
DOBIE'S PARENTS.

- OH, THAT'S A GOOD ASSUME.

- WON'T YOU SIT DOWN?
- NO, THANK YOU.

MAY I ASK WHAT IT
IS YOU'RE MAKING?

- WELL, IT'S WHAT YOU
CALL A BREW PARTY.

WE'RE COOKING UP SOME
REAL McCOY, YOU KNOW,

REGULAR PREWAR STUFF.

- YOU SEE, DOBIE'S
NEVER HAD ANY.

I MEAN, NOT THE HOMEMADE KIND.

- NO, THIS STUFF'S
GOT A LOT MORE KICK

THAN WHAT YOU BUY IN THE STORES.

- DO I UNDERSTAND YOU CORRECTLY?
YOU'RE MAKING THIS FOR DOBIE?

- YEAH, I KNOW IT'S
A LOT OF TROUBLE,

BUT THEN WHAT ARE PARENTS FOR?

- WELL, YOU CERTAINLY
HAVE AN INTERESTING

AND NOVEL INTERPRETATION
OF THE FUNCTION OF PARENTS.

IT'S CERTAINLY NOT MINE.

NOW, YOU MAY REPORT ME
TO THE FOUNDATION FOR THIS

IF YOU'D LIKE TO, BUT I
SIMPLY CANNOT STAND BY

AND SEE A POTENTIALLY WORTHY
YOUNG MAN DRIVEN INTO OBLIVION

BY HIS OWN MOTHER AND FATHER.

DOBIE, HELP ME.

- IT TOOK A LITTLE WHILE
TO EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED

TO MY MOTHER AND FATHER,
BUT ONCE THEY UNDERSTOOD,

THEY FELT A LOT
DIFFERENT ABOUT IT.

I KNEW IT WAS ONLY
A MATTER OF TIME

UNTIL MOM AND DAD WOULD
RECOVER COMPLETELY,

SEVEN OR EIGHT YEARS MAYBE.

BUT MEANWHILE, I
WAS HAVING A BALL.

I WAS LETTING DONNA...
THAT'S MISS WHITTAKER...

REHABILITATE ME.

NOT TOO FAST, OF COURSE.
I MEAN, I WAS IN NO HURRY

TO GET THE JOB DONE.

[CHEERING]

- [CHEERING]

YAY!

- THIRSTY WORK, HEY, BROTHER?

- DOBIE, COURAGE.
COURAGE, DOBIE!

IT'S ALWAYS HARDEST
THE FIRST TIME.

IT'LL GET EASIER EACH TIME.

- YES, MY GOOD DONNA.
YES, MY ANGEL OF MERCY.

- TWO STEAK DINNERS, PLEASE.

NO, WE WOULD NOT
CARE FOR A COCKTAIL.

DOBIE!

JUST MOVE OVER
HERE. NOW, EASY, EASY.

DOBIE, TOGETHER WE'RE
GOING TO CONQUER THIS DEMON

THAT'S DESTROYING YOU.

- YES, MY GREAT TAWNY ANIMAL.

YES, MY BEAUTIFUL
SHIELD AND PROTECTOR.

- DOBIE, HAVE YOU LOOKED
IN THE MIRROR LATELY?

- WELL, I'VE TRIED. I STILL
CAN'T FOCUS TOO GOOD.

- WELL, YOU LOOK LIKE A NEW MAN.

NOT GOOD, OF COURSE,
BUT SO MUCH BETTER.

YOU KNOW, I KNOW IT'S ONLY
BEEN A COUPLE OF WEEKS,

BUT I HONESTLY BELIEVE
YOU'RE REHABILITATED.

- THANKS TO YOU.

- DO YOU THINK YOU CAN GET
ALONG WITHOUT ME FROM NOW ON?

- NEVER.

- I DO HAVE OTHER
PATIENTS, YOU KNOW.

- OH, I'M NOT TALKING
ABOUT THE BOOZE.

THAT WON'T BE A PROBLEM
AGAIN. I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU.

DONNA, LET ME PUT
IT BLUNTLY. I LOVE YOU,

AND I WANT YOU TO HAVE THIS
GENUINE 14-KARAT GOLD LOCKET.

- DOBIE, I DON'T
KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

- WELL, TRY YES.

- YES.

- OH, WHAT WAS THAT FOR? I
THOUGHT YOU WERE APE FOR ME!

- I WAS, WHEN YOU HAD
A TRAGEDY IN YOUR LIFE.

- BUT I STILL GOT ONE.

MY COUSIN DOBIE,
THE LUSH, REMEMBER?

- MM-HMM, THE EX-LUSH.

I WAS SPEAKING TO MISS
WHITTAKER YESTERDAY,

AND SHE SAID THAT
DOBIE HAD BECOME

A WORTHWHILE MEMBER OF SOCIETY.

WHY, IN FACT, SHE'S WEARING
HIS 14-KARAT GOLD LOCKET.

SO WHERE'S YOUR
TRAGEDY NOW, MISTER?

YOU'VE GOT NONE. AS
FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,

YOU'RE JUST ANOTHER UNDERAGE
ROMEO WITH NO PROBLEMS

THAT COULDN'T BE
FIXED BY A BANANA SPLIT.

- OH, YOU'RE WRONG,
YOU'RE WRONG.

DOBIE'S NOT OUT
OF THE WOODS YET,

NOT BY A LONG SHOT.

- MISS WHITTAKER SAYS HE IS,
AND THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

- OH, HE'S OUT OF THE WOODS
WITH HIS DRINKING, MAYBE,

BUT, OH, HE'S GOT A
WHOLE NEW TRAGEDY

TWICE AS BAD.

- YEAH? WHAT IS IT?

- OH, I CAN'T JUST TELL YOU.

I MEAN, IT... WELL, IT ISN'T FIT

FOR THE PURE, SWEET
EARS OF A MINOR GIRL.

- WHISPER IT.
- I CAN'T.

- I MEAN, I COULDN'T. IT'S
JUST TOO EMBARRASSING.

I COULDN'T JUST SIT HERE
AND LOOK YOU IN THE EYES

WHILE I TOLD YOU.
- ALL RIGHT, THEN.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SIT
THERE AND LOOK ME IN THE EYE.

YOU CALL ME ON
THE PHONE TONIGHT.

AND, DUNKIE, IF YOU LIE TO ME...

- YEAH?
- THIS.

- OH!

- LIKE, HI, MRS. G.

- SHH, NOT NOW, DEAR.
HE'S ABOUT TO OPERATE.

- YOU WANNA PLAY WITH ME?

- I'D LOVE TO, DEAR, BUT I
WANT TO SEE HIM SHOW UP

THAT OTHER DOCTOR,
THE ONE THAT SHAVES.

- SURE.

DOBIE'S BEEN TOO
BUSY TO PLAY WITH ME

EVER SINCE HE STARTED GOING
WITH THAT SOCIAL WORKER CHICK.

AND DUNCAN HAS BEEN GOING
WITH THAT CLARISSA CHICK,

AND I GOT NOBODY TO PLAY WITH.

- WELL, I'M SURE THERE
MUST BE LOTS OF PEOPLE

WHO'D LOVE TO
PLAY WITH YOU, DEAR.

NOBODY SPRINGS TO
MIND JUST AT THE MOMENT,

BUT I'M SURE THERE
MUST BE SOMEONE.

- YEAH, WELL, I ASKED
MY HISTORY TEACHER,

AND HE SAID HE HAD
TO CLAP ERASERS.

AND MY FATHER'S GOT THIS
BIG, DEEP, CHAIR HE HIDES IN

WHENEVER HE SEES ME COMING.

MY MOTHER HIDES BEHIND HIM,
SO I GOT NOBODY TO PLAY WITH.

- LIKE, HI, DOBE
G. LIKE, HI, MR. G.

YOU GUYS WANT TO PLAY WITH ME?

- SORRY, MAYNARD,
BUT I'VE GOT A DATE.

- I'M HEARTBROKEN, MAYNARD,

BUT I HAVE AN IMPORTANT
LODGE MEETING.

- SURE, NOBODY'S GOT TIME
FOR OLD FAITHFUL MAYNARD.

I THINK I'LL GO OUT IN THE
WOODS AND BECOME A HELMET.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S HERMIT.
AND YOU'LL DO NO SUCH THING.

DOBIE, YOU CAN BE A
LITTLE LATE FOR YOUR DATE.

AND, HERBERT, YOU
CAN CERTAINLY BE LATE

FOR THOSE LOAFERS
DOWN AT THE LODGE.

AND AS FOR HIM,

WELL, HE OPERATES
EVERY SINGLE WEEK,

NO MATTER HOW THOSE
OTHER DOCTORS LIKE IT.

MAYNARD'S BEEN A LOYAL
FRIEND FOR MANY YEARS.

AND NOW, ALL OF A SUDDEN,
NONE OF US HAVE ANY TIME

FOR THE DEAREST,
SWEETEST HUMAN BEING

THAT EVER DREW BREATH.

SHAME ON US, ALL OF US.

- YOU'RE RIGHT, MOM.

- WELL, I WOULDN'T GO THAT FAR.

BUT COME ON, MAYNARD,
WE'LL PLAY WITH YOU.

- OH, FOR JOY, FOR JOY.

- WHAT DO YOU
WANNA PLAY, MAYNARD?

- OH, WELL, I SENT AWAY,
AND FOR 14 BOX TOPS,

I GOT THIS BRAND-NEW
SLAP JACK DECK.

- ALL RIGHT, MAYNARD,
WE'LL PLAY SLAP JACK.

- YOU SHUFFLE, MRS. G. I
DON'T SHUFFLE TOO GOOD.

BUT I CUT, THOUGH. I CUT GREAT.
I CUT REAL GREAT, LIKE, WATCH.

[PHONE RINGS]

- HELLO.

- HI, CLARISSA, I JUST CALLED
TO TELL YOU I LOVE YOU

AND YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

- YES, I KNOW YOU LOVE ME,
AND I KNOW I'M BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT I DON'T KNOW
IS THIS NEW TRAGEDY

DOBIE'S MIXED UP IN.

- OH, I'D LIKE TO TELL
YOU, SWEETIE FACE,

BUT I JUST CAN'T.

- YEAH, AND I KNOW WHY YOU CAN'T
BECAUSE THERE ISN'T ANY TRAGEDY,

AND YOU HAVEN'T BEEN
ABLE TO THINK OF ONE.

AND YOU ARE THE BIGGEST
LIAR IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

IF I NEVER SEE YOU
AGAIN, IT'LL BE TOO SOON.

- WAS THAT A JACK?

[PHONE RINGS]

- HELLO.

AND IF IT'S YOU, DUNCAN,
I WITHDRAW THE HELLO.

- CLARISSA, I'VE
DECIDED TO TELL YOU

WHAT DOBIE'S NEW TRAGEDY IS.

WHEN TWO HEARTS BEAT AS ONE

LIKE YOUR HEART
AND MY HEART BEAT,

I DON'T THINK WE
SHOULD KEEP SECRETS

FROM EACH OTHER, SHOULD WE?
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

SO WHAT'S THIS DEEP, DARK VICE
DOBIE'S GOT HIMSELF INTO NOW?

- GAMBLING.

- GAMBLING? HOW AWFUL!

- OH, IT'S WORSE THAN YOU KNOW.

THERE'S CARDS, CARDS,
CARDS EVERYWHERE.

THE WHOLE FAMILY'S
GONE GAMBLING MAD.

WHY, THEY'VE LOST THE
CLOTHES, THEIR STORE, THEIR CAR,

EVERYTHING.

AND STILL, THEY GO ON.

OH, CLARISSA, YOU HAVE
NO IDEA HOW AWFUL IT IS

FOR A YOUTH OF MY
IMPRESSIONABLE YEARS.

- OH, YOU POOR THING!

- SO WHEN WILL I SEE YOU?

- TONIGHT AND SOON. NOW
YOU STAY RIGHT THERE.

- YOU MAY REPORT ME TO
THE FOUNDATION FOR THIS

IF YOU WANT TO,
BUT I KNOW MY DUTY.

COME, CLARISSA.

- WHOA! WHOA!

- SO YOU SEE, DUNKIE,

TELLING LIES JUST
DOESN'T PAY OFF.

- IT'S ALSO UN-HONEST
AND DISTRUTHFUL.

- RIGHT, SO WHERE
DID OUR LIES GET US?

DONNA FOUND OUT I WASN'T
A GAMBLER AND A DRUNK.

- SHE ALSO FOUND OUT
THE LOCKET YOU GAVE HER

CAME FROM BOX TOPS.

- SO WHAT HAPPENED?

SHE DUMPED ME, AND
CLARISSA DUMPED YOU.

YOU SEE WHERE LYING GETS YOU?

- NOWHERE.
- EXACTLY.

SO, DUNKIE, YOU'VE
COME TO ME FOR ADVICE

AND THIS TIME I'M GONNA
GIVE YOU SOME GOOD ADVICE.

LYING GETS YOU NOWHERE.

IF YOU EVER EXPECT
TO FIND A GIRL,

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY
TO DO IT. TELL THE TRUTH.

- DOBIE, DOBIE, WHAT
A FOOL I'VE BEEN.

CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?

- DONNA, I KNOW I SHOULDN'T
LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH,

BUT YOU SAY YOU HATE ME.

I'M NOT A GAMBLER AND A DRUNK.

- WELL, OF COURSE, YOU'RE NOT.

WHAT YOU ARE IS
AN INCURABLE LIAR.

AND THAT'S THE SICKEST OF ALL.
DOBIE, PLEASE LET ME HELP YOU.

- WELL, IF YOU INSIST, MY DEAR.

- DUNKIE, TRY AND BE
BIG ABOUT THIS THING.

TAKE ME BACK.

- AH, CLARISSA, MY ANGEL.

- A MAN WHO'S GOT AN
INCURABLE LIAR FOR A COUSIN

IS SURELY A MAN
LOADED WITH TRAGEDY.

WILL YOU HAVE ME?

- WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL,
IF YOU INSIST, MY DEAR.

- IF LYING GETS YOU NOWHERE
AND HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY,

AND I'M SWEET AND KIND AND
LOVABLE AND TRUE AND DECENT

AND...

SO HOW COME I GOT
NOBODY TO PLAY WITH?