The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 4, Episode 4 - The Ugliest American - full transcript

Dobie has enrolled in Dr. Burkhart's anthropology class to be near Clydene Quigley, and Maynard has enrolled in the class because his good buddy Dobie did. Dobie enrolled despite not being interested in anthropology at all and despite knowing that the class will be taking a field trip to the Amazon jungle, which is not exactly city dwelling Dobie's comfort zone. Indeed, the jungle and the expedition prove to be too much for Dobie, both personally and academically. Maynard, on the other hand, is in his element, he who ends up impressing both Dr. Burkhart and Clydene. To win Clydene back from Maynard, Dobie goes on a trek for what is considered the most prized artifact in the jungle: a shrunken head. With the help of Mr. Himelmayer, an ex-pat who is known as the most influential man in the jungle if not perhaps a little shady, Dobie does manage to buy a shrunken head. Whose head it is may prove to be a problem for Dobie in ever making it out of the jungle alive, that is unless Maynard comes to the rescue.

- BOY, THINGS REALLY
MOVE FAST THESE DAYS.

YOU CAN BE ANYPLACE IN THE WORLD

IN LESS THAN 12 HOURS,

AND THAT INCLUDES THE 8
HOURS IT TAKES ON THE FREEWAY

TO GET TO THE AIRPORT.

YES, SIR, THE WORLD'S WEARING
A NEW INTERNATIONAL LOOK

AND SO ARE WE. I MEAN,
WE'RE GONNA TAKE YOU

TO STRANGE, EXOTIC PLACES

WHERE THEY SPEAK
STRANGE, EXOTIC LANGUAGES.

AND TO MAKE THINGS
CRYSTAL CLEAR,

WE'RE GOING TO
TRANSLATE EVERY WORD



THAT MIGHT BE EVEN SLIGHTLY
CONFUSING. IS THAT CLEAR?

NOT YET!

ANYWAY, THIS
SOUL-STIRRING ADVENTURE

STARTED ON A PLEASANT,
QUIET AFTERNOON.

[THUNDER]

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

- IT'S POURING DOWN
DOGS AND CATS LIKE SO

SINCE 16 DAYS AND 16 NIGHTS,

AND IT AIN'T EVEN
YET THE RAINY SEASON!

[CRASH]

- THE NATIVES, THEY
ARE RESTLESS TONIGHT.

[DRUMS BEATING]

- OH, THOSE NATIVE DRUMS.

20 YEARS I AM HERE IN THE JUNGLE
AND STILL THEY DRIVE ME CUCKOO!



- THOSE DRUMS,
THEY DRIVE ME CRAZY!

I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!

- I CAN'T STAND IT
ANYMORE, I TELL YOU.

I CAN'T... [YELLING]

[GUNSHOT]

- HE USED TO BE
VICEROY OF INDIA.

THE JUNGLE, IT CLOBBER HIM.

PROBABLY LONGER THE JUNGLE
WOULD CLOBBER EVERYBODY.

OH, WHOO, ANOTHER... HEARD FROM.

WHAT DO YOU WANT, GIRLIE?

- MEN CALL ME TANDALAYO.

- YES, I KNOW YOUR NAME, STUPID.

WHAT A... [SPEAKING GERMAN]

BEAT IT, GIRLIE.

I AM OCCUPIED WITH
IMPORTANT THINGS.

[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]

[SPEAKING GERMAN] SKIDDOO!

- HARD TO BELIEVE I WAS
ONCE A SAINTLY, KINDLY,

HUMAN PEOPLE, AIN'T IT?

I WAS A CERTIFIED
PUBLIC ACCOUNTANT.

WE DRINK-A THE TOAST.

TO US WHO HAVE BECOME
SHIPWRECKS AND FAILURES AND FLOPS.

- I'LL DRINK TO THAT.
BARTENDER, THE USUAL,

MILK.

AND MAKE IT A DOUBLE.

[JAZZ THEME]

- YEP, THAT'S ME, A
SOGGY JUNGLE JIM.

NOW WHAT WAS I,

A SIDEWALK AND STREETCAR
TYPE IF THERE EVER WAS ONE,

DOING OUT THERE IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE FLORA AND FAUNA

OR WHATEVER THEY CALL IT?

IT WAS BECAUSE OF
MY GREAT INTEREST

IN SCIENTIFIC EXPLORATION,

BECAUSE OF MY EAGERNESS

TO ADVANCE HUMAN
KNOWLEDGE, BECAUSE OF...

- CLYDENE QUIGLEY.

AND I WISH TO ENROLL IN
THIS ANTHROPOLOGY CLASS

BECAUSE I'M UTTERLY
FASCINATED BY THE STUDY

OF MANKIND'S
CULTURAL DEVELOPMENT.

- EXCELLENT REASONS,
MISS QUIGLEY.

ENROLLMENT ACCEPTED. NEXT?

- DOBIE GILLIS AND I,
TOO, WISH TO ENROLL

IN THIS ANTHROPOLOGY CLASS
BECAUSE I AM UTTERLY FASCINATED

WITH THE FAIR MISS QUIGLEY.

- THEY TAKE THE ENROLLMENT
FOR FOLK DANCING NEXT DOOR

AND GOODBYE.

- DR. BURKHART,

I'M ENROLLING IN ANTHROPOLOGY.

- MR. GILLIS, YOU'RE A FINE BOY.

YOU HAVE CHARACTER,
PERSONALITY, GOOD MANNERS

AND AN APTITUDE FOR SCIENCE
ROUGHLY EQUAL TO THAT

OF REX THE WONDER HORSE.

- OKAY, OKAY.

SO I HACKED UP
CHEMISTRY A LITTLE.

- OUR FIRST ASSIGNMENT
IS A FIELD TRIP

TO THE HEART OF THE AMAZON
JUNGLE IN SOUTH AMERICA,

WHERE WE WILL LIVE
AMONG SNAKES, ALLIGATORS,

MAN-EATING FISH, THOUSANDS
OF SAVAGE NATIVES,

MANY OF WHOM ARE
CANNIBALS AND HEAD-HUNTERS

WHO LOVE THE TASTE
OF COLLEGE BOYS.

AND HOW DO YOU
FEEL ABOUT ENROLLING

IN ANTHROPOLOGY NOW, MR. GILLIS?

- HMM.

- WHEW, THAT WAS A CLOSE
ONE. BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME.

NEXT?

- DOBIE, YOU'RE NOT
SCARED, ARE YOU?

- WANNA BET.
- DOBIE!

- I MEAN, WANNA
BET I'M NOT SCARED?

- WELL, THEN, TELL DR. BURKHART
YOU'RE GOING TO SIGN UP

FOR THE CLASS AND GO
ON TO THE EXPEDITION.

FOR ME, DOBIEKINS?
- WELL...

- MR. GILLIS, ARE YOU
GOING TO BE GUIDED

BY SOUND LOGIC AND COMMON SENSE

OR BY MISS QUIGLEY'S
BLUE EYES AND BLONDE HAIR?

AND, OH, WHAT A
FOOLISH QUESTION.

GIVE ME YOUR CARD. I SURRENDER.

- DR. BURKHART, YOU'RE
A REAL HUMAN BEING.

- YOU RANG?

- OH, HI, MAYNARD. I JUST
SIGNED UP FOR ANTHROPOLOGY.

WE'RE GONNA HOLD CLASS
IN THE AMAZON JUNGLE

IN SOUTH AMERICA.

- SOUTH AMERICA! OOH, MAN, DOBE.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET
UP AWFUL EARLY IN THE MORNING.

THAT'S A LONG HIKE.

- NO, MAYNARD, WE'RE
GONNA STAY DOWN THERE.

- WE ARE?
- OH, NO,

YOU'RE NOT COMING ALONG TOO.

YOU DON'T MEAN IT. YOU DON'T!

- WHO DON'T MEAN
IT? I JUST SAID IT.

DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME?
YOU KNOW I DON'T FIB.

I'M TOO SIMPLE IN THE HEAD.

- OH, I'LL GO ALONG WITH THAT.

- I MEAN, ME AND DOBE
ARE LIKE INSEPARABUBBLE.

I MEAN, WE'RE LIKE
TWO PEAS IN A POD.

WHEREVER HE GOES I GO.

I MEAN, EVEN IF I HAVE TO GET
THERE OVER MY DEAD BODY.

- DON'T TEMPT ME,
MR. KREBS. DON'T TEMPT ME.

- THIS IS THE WORLD-RENOWNED
AMAZON JUNGLE.

IT'S A STOREHOUSE OF
ANTHROPOLOGICAL INFORMATION.

IT'S A HAVEN FOR RARE
BIRDS AND FISH. IT'S A...

DEATH TRAP, TORTURE CHAMBER,

BLACK HOLE OF CALCUTTA.

WATER. WATER, PLEASE, SOMEBODY.
WATER. WATER, PLEASE, SOMEBODY.

WATER.

MAYNARD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- DUMPING WATER ON YOU, DOBE.
WEREN'T YOU PAYING ATTENTION?

- NEVER MIND!

TO THINK ALL I SAID
WAS WATER, WATER.

- COMING UP, DOBE.

- MAYNARD!

- OH, HI, DOBIE.

- AH, CLYDENE MY ANGEL,

I'VE BEEN WAITING
BREATHLESSLY FOR YOU.

COULDN'T WE GO DOWN
BY THE RIVER AND TALK?

- GOOD THINKING. THERE'S
A FAMILY OF ALLIGATORS

DOWN THERE I WANNA
TAKE A LOOK AT.

- CLYDENE, MY ANGEL, COULDN'T
WE STAY HERE AND TALK?

- DOBIE, YOU'RE NOT SCARED
OF THE JUNGLE, ARE YOU?

- ME SCARED?
- YEAH, HIM SCARED, ME MAYNARD.

- MAYNARD.
- ME MAYNARD. ME SCARED, TOO.

- THAT'S ENOUGH. NOW,
CLYDENE, MY ANGEL,

YOU KNOW I'M FEARLESS.
I'VE TOLD YOU SO MYSELF.

WHY, NOTHING OUT HERE
COULD POSSIBLY FRIGHTEN ME.

- LIKE, HELP, HELP.

- THEY'LL CUT US
TO PIECES, MAYNARD.

- YEAH, I'M THINKING...

- DOBIE, STOP.
- HUH?

- THE NATIVES AREN'T
HERE TO HURT US.

THEY'RE JUST HERE
TO LOOK US OVER.

- THAT'S JUST WHAT
GENERAL CUSTER SAID

AND I'M CUTTING OUT.

- YEAH.
- GO, GO, I'M GOING.

[CLANGING]

- AH, I SEE THAT OUR
GUESTS HAVE ARRIVED.

WELCOME.

[ALL SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]

- HEY, DOBE, I TELL YOU,
THOSE INDIANS ARE PHONIES.

I AIN'T NEVER SEEN ONE OF
THEM CHASING JOHN WAYNE.

- NOW, AS A PART OF
OUR, SHALL WE SAY,

ON-THE-SPOT EDUCATION,

OUR GUESTS ARE
GOING TO DEMONSTRATE

THEIR METHOD OF BUILDING A FIRE.

[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]

- HEY, GIRL, YOU WAS RIGHT.
THEM NATIVES ARE FRIENDLY.

LIKE, HI, FRIENDLY NATIVES.

LIKE, BYE, FRIENDLY NATIVES.

- MAYNARD, THEY WON'T TOUCH YOU.

- HOW COME THEY'RE ALL
LOOKING AT ME LIKE I'M A TURKEY

AND THANKSGIVING'S COMING?

- NOW BE VERY CAREFUL, STUDENTS,

AND DON'T APPEAR FRIGHTENED

BECAUSE IF THEY
KNOW YOU FEAR THEM,

THEY MIGHT REVERT TO
THEIR QUAINT, PRIMITIVE WAYS,

NAMELY COLLECTING HEADS.

- [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

- UH, CLYDENE, MY SWEET,

WHILE THEY'RE BUSY
SETTING FIRE TO EVERYTHING,

HOW ABOUT YOU AND
ME SNEAKING AWAY

AND SETTING A FIRE OF OUR OWN?

HOW ABOUT THAT?

I'VE LOST GIRLS BEFORE,
BUT TO A BUNCH OF INDIANS

WHO NEVER EVEN
CHASED JOHN WAYNE?

COME OUT OF THERE, MAYNARD.
DON'T ACT SO SILLY ALL THE TIME.

LET'S BE FRANK.

MY ROMANCE WITH CLYDENE QUIGLEY
WAS GETTING ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE,

AND IT WAS TAKING A
HECK OF A LONG TIME

GETTING EVEN THAT FAR.

SO I HAD TO SWITCH MY
APPROACH IN MID-JUNGLE.

I HAD TO CONVINCE CLYDENE
THAT I WAS OFF MY ROCKER

ABOUT THE AMAZON RIVER

AND MY WORK IN
ANTHROPOLOGY WAS SENSATIONAL.

- MR. GILLIS, YOUR
WORK IN ANTHROPOLOGY

IS ATROCIOUS!

- ATROCIOUS, DR. BURKHART?

GEE, THAT'S NOT
EXACTLY THE WORD I'D USE.

- HERE'S YOUR RECORD. WHAT'S
THE WORD YOU WOULD USE?

- WILL YOU BUY PATHETIC?

- EVERY STUDENT IN THIS
EXPEDITION HAS FOUND

AT LEAST SIX AUTHENTIC
RELICS OF THE CIVILIZATION

THAT ONCE FLOURISHED
HERE, EXCEPT YOU, MR. GILLIS.

- WELL, YOU SEE, DOC...

- THE MIND BOGGLES
AT THE THOUGHT,

BUT EVEN MAYNARD HAS
DONE BETTER THAN YOU.

- HEY, LOOKIE HERE
WHAT I FOUND, A BONE.

- MR. KREBS THAT'S TREMENDOUS.

- OOH, IF YOU THINK THIS IS BIG,
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE DOG

I TOOK IT AWAY FROM.

- THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

CLYDENE, MY SWEET, I'VE
BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU.

- NOT NOW, DOBIE.
CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY?

DR. BURKHART, LOOK
AT ALL THE FABULOUS

INDIAN RELICS THAT
MAYNARD FOUND.

HE'S SO AT HOME IN THE JUNGLE
HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHERE TO LOOK.

- YES, MR. KREBS, YOU HAVE
A REMARKABLE SENSITIVITY

TO THE SIGHTS AND
SOUNDS OF NATURE.

- NO, KIDDING? OOH,
WHAT A GOOD BOY AM I.

- MAYNARD DEAR,
I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

- HMM.
- THE ONLY THING I COULDN'T FIND

WAS ONE OF THEM SUNKEN HEADS.

- THAT'S SHRUNKEN
HEADS, MR. KREBS,

AND I DOUBT IF EVEN
YOU COULD LOCATE ONE.

OH, THEY'RE EXTREMELY RARE.

THERE HASN'T BEEN ANY
HEAD-HUNTING IN THIS AREA

FOR YEARS.

- NOW SHE TELLS ME.

- OH, BUT IF ANYBODY COULD FIND A
SHRUNKEN HEAD, MY MAYNARD CAN.

- MY MAYNARD? LET GO
OF CLYDENE, YOU WOLF!

- WOLF? WHERE, WHERE, WHERE?

- HERE, HERE, HERE, YOU MASHER.

- MR. GILLIS, THAT'S NO WAY
TO TALK TO YOUR FRIEND.

- HE'S NO FRIEND OF MINE,

ALWAYS SNEAKING
AROUND FINDING THINGS,

WORKING HARD TO MAKE
ME LOOK LIKE A JERK.

- OH, DON'T WORRY,
DOBE, IT'S NOT MUCH WORK.

- MAYNARD, WHY DON'T YOU
GO PLAY WITH THE CROCODILES?

- DOBIE, YOU'RE
JEALOUS OF MAYNARD.

- THAT'S THE MOST
RIDICULOUS THING I EVER HEARD.

- MAN, IT SURE IS.
- [BOTH LAUGHING]

- LISTEN, SMART APPLE,

MAYNARD'S THE
KIND OF MAN I ADORE.

- ME? OH, COME NOW.

- YES, YOU ARE.

HE LOVES AND UNDERSTANDS
THE TREES AND THE OUTDOORS.

HE'S NOT A LEFT-HEADED
BUMBLER LIKE YOU.

- NOW, WAIT A MINUTE,

WHO ARE YOU CALLING A
LEFT-HEADED BUMBLER?

- YOU, DOBE. WEREN'T
YOU LISTENING AGAIN?

- I JUST DON'T BELIEVE
IN WASTING TIME

ON SILLY LITTLE DOODADS
LIKE ARROWHEADS

AND BROKEN DISHES.

I'VE BEEN CONCENTRATING
ON AN IMPORTANT DISCOVERY,

A DISCOVERY THAT'LL
MAKE THIS EXPEDITION

INTERNATIONALLY FAMOUS.

AND I FOUND IT.

- MR. GILLIS, YOU MEAN...

- RIGHT, DR. BURKHART, I
FOUND... NOW BRACE YOURSELF...

A GENUINE, FOR REAL,
AUTHENTIC SHRUNKEN HEAD.

- HA.
- HA.

- HA HA.

- MAYNARD, YOU STAY OUT OF THIS.

OKAY, JUST WAIT. TOMORROW,
I'M GONNA BRING YOU

THE MOST AUTHENTIC, FOR REAL
SHRUNKEN HEAD YOU EVER SAW

OR MY NAME ISN'T DOBIE GILLIS.

- GET OUT OF MY TENT, STRANGER,

IF YOUR NAME AIN'T DOBIE GILLIS.
- LOOK, MAYNARD.

- 'CAUSE I DON'T ALLOW ANY
TOM, DICK OR HAROLD IN HERE.

THIS IS MY BOUDOIR.
- MAYNARD,

I'VE GOT IMPORTANT
THINGS ON MY MIND.

I DON'T HAVE TIME NOW
FOR YOUR FOOLISHNESS.

- WHEN ARE YOU GONNA HAVE
TIME FOR MY FOOLISHNESS?

- 36 YEARS FROM NEXT THURSDAY.

- BEFORE OR AFTER LUNCH?

- NEVER MIND.

I'VE GOTTA GET READY
TO HIKE INTO THE VILLAGE

TO FIND A SHRUNKEN HEAD

TO SHOW CLYDENE
AND DR. BURKHART.

BOY, WILL THEY BE SORRY.

- OKAY, DOBE, IF YOU'RE
GONNA GO EXPLORING, SO AM I.

I'LL DIG UP SOMETHING REAL
STRANGE AND MYSTERIOUS.

- LIKE WHAT?
- HOW SHOULD I KNOW?

IT'LL BE STRANGE AND MYSTERIOUS.

IF I'M GONE A COUPLE
DAYS, TELL DR. BURKHART

NOT TO WEEP AND BLUBBER.

- I'LL TELL HER, I'LL TELL HER.

- OOH, I ALMOST FORGOT.

ALL RIGHT, GET AWAY,
YOU FEROCIOUS MONSTERS!

GET OUT OF HERE,
YOU NASTY VARMINTS!

ALL RIGHT, YOU CREATURES,
AWAY, GET LOST, COME ON...

- MAYNARD, MAYNARD...

MAYNARD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- I'M SCARING AWAY
THE POLAR BEARS,

CAN'T YOU TELL?

- MAYNARD, YOU'RE SCARING
AWAY THE POLAR BEARS?

- YEAH, WOULD YOU
GO OUTSIDE AND SEE

IF ANY OF THEM POLAR
BEARS IS OUT THERE?

- I'LL TAKE A QUICK LOOK.

I LOOKED.

- ANY OF THEM STILL THERE?
- NOT A ONE.

AND, MAYNARD, IN THE TROPICS,
THERE ARE NO POLAR BEARS.

- SEE? IT WORKED.

- YEAH, MAYNARD, YOU'RE GONNA
GO INTO THE JUNGLE IN A NIGHTGOWN?

- OH, I FORGOT. TURN AROUND.

- TURN AROUND.

- NOW I CAN LOOK.

- YEAH, OKAY.
- YEAH, OKAY.

IT TOOK ME ALL NIGHT
TO HIKE INTO THE VILLAGE,

BUT IT WAS WORTH IT BECAUSE
I FOUND MR. HIMMELMEYER,

THE FINEST, MOST INFLUENTIAL,

MOST DISTINGUISHED
MAN IN THE WHOLE JUNGLE.

- AUGH! AND YOU
CALL THIS WHISKEY?

YES, IT IS WHISKEY,
AND IT TASTES GOOD.

- SAM, DO IT AGAIN. MAKE IT TWO.

- MR. HIMMELMEYER, THEY SAY

YOU'RE THE MOST INFLUENTIAL
MAN IN THE WHOLE JUNGLE.

THEY SAY IF YOU NEED
SOMETHING, GO TO HIMMELMEYER.

- YOU BET YOUR BOOTS, BUSTER.

- WHAT I NEED DESPERATELY
IS A SHRUNKEN HEAD

FOR THE ANTHROPOLOGY EXPEDITION.

- SAY, YOU ONE OF
THEM COLLEGE KIDS

FROM THE... CAMP OUT
THERE IN THE BOONDOCKS?

- S. PETER PRYOR COLLEGE,
SIR, AND PROUD OF IT.

- OH, A STUDENT. WHY
DON'T YOU SAY SO?

I'M A COLLEGE MAN MYSELF.

LIEDERKRANZ
UNIVERSITY, CLASS OF '35.

RAH RAH RAH, SIS-BOOM-BAH,

WE BIG UMLAUT, JA, JA, JA.

- DR. BURKHART.

- MR. GILLIS, HAVE YOU
SEEN MR. KREBS TODAY?

- NO, BUT HE MUST BE
AROUND SOMEPLACE.

HE DOES A LOT OF WANDERING.
IT GOES WITH HIS MIND.

- BUT HIS BED WASN'T
SLEPT IN LAST NIGHT.

- THAT DOESN'T
PROVE HE'S MISSING.

SOMETIMES HE
SLEEPS ON THE FLOOR.

- AND HE HASN'T
SHOWN UP FOR MEALS.

- HE'S MISSING.

- HE'S PROBABLY
SOMEWHERE NEARBY SAFE.

I JUST CAN'T HELP
BEING CONCERNED.

- YEAH.
- KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR HIM.

- UH-HUH. YEAH.

- I'LL BE A LADY AND
MAKE NO REMARK

ABOUT THE COMPANY
YOU'RE KEEPING.

- DR. BURKHART HAD NO REASON
TO WORRY ABOUT MAYNARD.

HE ALWAYS SHOWS UP.

THAT'S WHAT HIS FAMILY'S
BEEN COMPLAINING ABOUT.

RIGHT NOW, MY PROBLEM WAS
TO GET THAT SHRUNKEN HEAD

FROM MR. HIMMELMEYER.

WE WERE BOTH COLLEGE MEN,

SO HE'D PROBABLY OFFER TO
GET ME ONE ABSOLUTELY FREE.

- ALL RIGHT, CHESTER, I
GET AN OLD ONE FOR YOU

OUT OF THE KINDNESS AND
WARMNESS OF MY HEART.

$20.

AH! BEAUTIFUL.

HEY, YOU, CHICK,
BRING IT IN HERE.

ONE SHRUNKEN HEAD,
AND BE SCHNELL ABOUT IT.

SLOWPOKE! DON'T WALK SO SLOW.

WHAT KEPT YOU?

- TANDALAYO BRING
YOU THE SHRUNKEN HEAD

AS YOU COMMAND,
SAHIB HIMMELMEYER.

- [MUTTERS]

- FLAKE OFF, DOLLY.

I'M DEALING AND WHEELING
WITH THE HEAD HERE.

RAUS!
- OH!

NICE GIRL.

SHE'S SENDING HER BROTHER
TO MEDICINE MAN SCHOOL.

HEY, HAVE A LOOK AT THAT
SHRUNKEN HEAD YOU JUST BOUGHT.

- NO, NO.
- IT'S A LITTLE BEAUTY.

- I'LL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT.

- WHAT, A YELLOW-LIVER, EH?

- I FIGURED I'D WAIT
AND BE SURPRISED

ALONG WITH CLYDENE
AND DR. BURKHART

WHEN I HAND IT OVER TO THEM.

BOY, ARE THEY GONNA
MAKE A FUSS OVER ME.

I CAN HEAR THEM NOW,

"DOBIE, YOU'RE A HERO, A
NATURAL BORN EXPLORER,

A CREDIT TO THE SCHOOL."

- BEAST!

- A DESPICABLE MONSTER!

- A DISGRACE TO THE HUMAN RACE.

- PLEASE, PLEASE,
LADIES, DON'T BE UPSET.

YOU'LL GET USED TO
LOOKING AT A SHRUNKEN HEAD.

- HAVE YOU NO SHAME?
HAVE YOU NO CONSCIENCE?

- OH, I SEE. YOU
STILL DON'T BELIEVE

THAT THIS HEAD IS AUTHENTIC.

WELL, I CAN PROVE...
- OH, IT'S AUTHENTIC, ALL RIGHT,

YOU JACK THE RIPPER, YOU!

- OF COURSE IT'S REAL.

THAT'S THE TROUBLE.

IF IT ONLY WERE FAKE,

IF IT ONLY WERE.
- HUH?

THERE IS... OR WAS, ALAS,

ONLY ONE HEAD LIKE
THAT IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.

- WELL, OF COURSE!

THIS IS A GENUINE,
FOR REAL, AUTHENTIC...

- HOW ABOUT THAT FOR
LOYALTY AND TRUST?

CLYDENE AND
DR. BURKHART WERE SURE

THAT I HAD SOMETHING TO DO
WITH THE RATHER ODD THING

THAT HAD APPARENTLY
HAPPENED TO MAYNARD.

THE OTHER MEMBERS
OF THE EXPEDITION

HAD THEIR OWN OPINION.

- [ALL SHOUTING AND JEERING]

- DOBIE, HOW COULD YOU?

I KNEW YOU WERE JEALOUS
OF HIM, BUT TO DO THIS?

- NOW, LOOK, THIS IS
JUST A SILLY MISTAKE.

WHY, I WOULDN'T HARM A HAIR
ON THAT SHRUNKEN LITTLE...

MAYNARD, MAYNARD!

MAYNARD, COME OUT NOW!

MAYNARD, COME OUT! HELP!

HELP ME, MAYNARD! MAYNARD!

- YOU KNOW HE ISN'T
GOING TO ANSWER.

YOU KNOW HE
DISAPPEARED YESTERDAY.

- AND NOW WE KNOW
WHERE HE DISAPPEARED TO.

- YEAH!

- MAYNARD! MAYNARD, COME OUT NOW

AND YOU CAN WEAR YOUR
ROLLER SKATES IN THE HOUSE

ANYTIME YOU WANT!

- WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

LOOK, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL
ABOUT THIS GHASTLY CRIME,

BUT WE CAN'T TAKE THE
LAW INTO OUR OWN HANDS.

- LISTEN TO HER. LISTEN TO HER.

- WE'LL TURN HIM OVER
TO THE LOCAL POLICE.

- DON'T LISTEN TO HER.
DON'T LISTEN TO HER.

OKAY, I'LL ADMIT
THINGS LOOKED BLEAK,

BUT THERE REALLY WASN'T
ANYTHING TO BE SCARED ABOUT.

I MEAN, IT WASN'T AS IF
THE DISTRICT COMMISSIONER

WAS ACTUALLY GONNA HANG ME.

OKAY, I'LL ADMIT THINGS
LOOKED EVEN BLEAKER,

BUT I STILL WASN'T SCARED.

EVEN IN THE JUNGLE,

PEOPLE KNOW THE
MEANING OF JUSTICE.

- JUSTICE? HERE?

- HEY, MANUEL, YOU HEAR THAT?

- YEAH. BIGGEST
LAUGH I HAD TODAY.

- LOOK, I DEMAND A FAIR TRIAL.

- MR. COMMISSIONER, HE WILL
GET A FAIR TRIAL, WON'T HE?

- A FAIR TRIAL? HERE?

MANUEL, DO YOU HEAR THAT?

- YEAH. HA HA HA! THE
LADY, SHE'S A REAL JOKER.

- DR. BURKHART, I'M SCARED.

- RELAX, LADIES AND GENTS.

I TAKE CARE OF THIS CASE GOOD

AFTER I FINISH WITH MANUEL HERE.

MANUEL, FOR DOUBLE
PARKING THE OXCART,

I SENTENCE YOU
TO ONE DAY IN JAIL.

- OH, YOU SEE, CLYDENE,
THEY'RE NOT SO BAD HERE.

- YEAH, MAYBE NOT.

- BUT WE HAVE NO
ROOM LEFT IN THE JAIL.

- AND YOU'RE GONNA
LET ME GO, HUH?

- NO, WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT YOU.

IT'S CHEAPER.

ADIOS, MANUEL.

NO HARD FEELINGS.

REMEMBER, YOU WILL ALWAYS
BE MY FAVORITE BROTHER-IN-LAW.

- YOU CAN'T WIN THEM ALL.

- OKAY, TAKE HIM WITH
YOU AND AIM GOOD.

WE'RE RUNNING LOW ON BULLETS.

[RIFLE VOLLEY]

- OH.

- SEE HOW THEY WASTE
THE TAXPAYERS' MONEY?

ONE BULLET WOULD HAVE DONE IT.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT CASE.

- OH, MR. COMMISSIONER,

I'M NOT SURE THAT I WANT
TO PROCEED WITH THIS.

- OH, DO NOT WORRY, LITTLE LADY.

I PROMISE YOU I WILL LISTEN
TO THE DEFENDANT'S STORY

VERY CAREFUL, AND I
WILL GIVE HIM EVERY BREAK.

OKAY, MURDERER! GO
AHEAD WITH YOUR FILTHY LIES!

- LOOK, I'M AN AMERICAN CITIZEN.
- QUIET!

I MUST CONCENTRATE ON
THE MENU FOR YOUR LAST MEAL.

HOW DO YOU LIKE ROAST ALLIGATOR?

- SENT TO ME.
THAT'S HOW I LIKE IT.

YAAH!

- NOBODY ESCAPES
THROUGH THAT JUNGLE.

IT MAKES DEVIL'S ISLAND
LOOK LIKE MIAMI BEACH.

- MAYNARD, MAYNARD,
WHERE ARE YOU?

OH, OH.

I CAN'T GO ON. I CAN'T.

NO FOOD, NO WATER,
SAVAGE ANIMALS ALL AROUND.

OH, HOW MUCH TORTURE
CAN A MAN TAKE?

HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN
WANDERING LIKE THIS, HOW LONG?

A DAY, A WEEK, A MONTH?

I'VE LOST ALL TRACK OF
TIME. WHO KNOWS? UH...

HMM, SIX MINUTES?

MAYNARD! MAYNARD, WHERE ARE YOU?

MAYNARD. MAY...

MAYNARD. MAYNARD, IT'S YOU.

PEOPLE, HUMAN PEOPLE.

IT'S DR. BURKHART'S
FRIENDLY INDIANS.

I'M SAFE. I'M SAFE.
THANK HEAVENS, I'M SAFE.

LOOK, I'M VERY SALTY.
YOU'LL BE THIRSTY FOR WEEKS.

WHAT'S MORE, I'M ALL
MUSCLE, TOUGH TO DIGEST.

OH, WHAT A WAY TO GO, AN
AMAZON RIVER FRICASSEE.

- YOU SMELL GOOD.

I GETTING HUNGRY BUT
MUST WAIT FOR CHIEF.

- BUT YOU'RE THE CHIEF, CHIEF.

- NOT NO MORE.

YESTERDAY GOT KICKED
OUT BY NEW CHIEF.

- OOH! OOH! OOH!

- UP, UP. ON YOUR
FEET, MY PEOPLE.

KING MAYNARD G. KREBS II DON'T
WANT MUCH OF THIS HOI POLLOI,

JUST YOUR NORMAL
AMOUNT OF HERO WORSHIP.

LIKE, HI, DOBE.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
UP IN THAT DOUBLE BOILER?

- MAYNARD? KING
MAYNARD G. KREBS II?

- IT AIN'T REALLY THE SECOND,

BUT THE FIRST DON'T
SOUND TOO DIGNIFIED.

HEY, DOBE, HOW COME YOU'RE
TURNING ALL RED LIKE A POTATO?

- MAYNARD, THAT'S TOMATO,

AND MAKE THEM TURN
OFF THE FIRE QUICK.

- UNHEAT MY FRIEND, MY PEOPLE.
WE EAT HOT DOGS INSTEAD TONIGHT.

THEY WOULDN'T HAVE LIKED YOU,
PROBABLY TOO SALTY ANYHOW.

- THAT'S WHAT I'VE
BEEN TRYING TO TELL 'EM.

MAYNARD, I CAN'T
BELIEVE MY EYES.

YOU'RE THE KING?

WHAT HAPPENED?
HOW DID YOU DO IT?

- NOTHING TO IT, GOOD
BUDDY. I THOUGHT UP AN IDEA

TO MAKE ALL THESE
INDIAN CATS RICH

SO THEY ELECTED ME
KING. AIN'T THAT FRIENDLY?

- AN IDEA? WHAT KIND OF AN IDEA?

- MANUFACTURING
HEADS OUT OF COCONUTS.

[CLAPS HANDS] LOOK,
AND I'M, LIKE, THE MODEL.

AREN'T THESE THE MOST ADORABLE
SUNKEN HEADS YOU EVER SEEN?

- MAYNARD, THAT'S
SHRUNKEN HEADS.

HAS ANYBODY EVER TOLD
YOU THAT YOU'RE AMAZING?

- OH, YES, MANY TIMES.
AND SINCE I'M KING HERE,

YOU BETTER MAKE A BIG FUSS
OVER ME LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.

- NOW, LOOK, MAYNARD.

- YOU BETTER KISS
MY LOVABLE HAND,

MY LOVING SUBJECT.

- NOW, HOLD ON, MAYNARD.
- DOBE,

YOU KNOW I'M THE
LAST ONE IN THE WORLD

TO DEMAND RESPECT
EVEN WHEN I DESERVE IT,

SO YOU EITHER KISS MY HAND
OR IT'S INTO THE POT YOU GO.

NO OFFENSE.

- AAH.

- [SOUNDS OF APPROVAL]

- NOW THE SNEAKERS.
- THE SNEAKERS?

- LIKE, TRUE, AIN'T WE
GOT CUTE CUSTOMS?

- AND IF I DON'T,
IT'S INTO THE POT?

- LIKE A JUICY
T-BONE, O MY SUBJECT.

- THAT'S HOW IT'S
GONNA BE, O MY KING.

- NO, DOBE. THE HOT DOGS ARE...

DOBE, PLEASE. DOBE. HEY,
GOOD BUDDY. COME ON, BUDDY.

- WELL, HERE I AM
BACK IN CIVILIZATION

AND STILL IN ONE PIECE
BETWEEN MAYNARD'S PLEADING

AND MY OWN DISLIKE OF
HUMAN BOILED FOOD, NAMELY ME.

I CHANGED MY MIND AND
CLIMBED OUT OF THE SOUP KETTLE

AND CAME HOME,

BUT KING MAYNARD II
HAD DIFFERENT IDEAS.

- I KNOW IT WILL BE DIFFICULT
FOR ALL OF US TO ADJUST

TO A PLAIN, QUIET,
UNEVENTFUL LIFE

AFTER OUR EXCITING
EXPERIENCES IN THE JUNGLE.

- I'LL NEVER MAKE
IT, DR. BURKHART.

I STILL MISS MAYNARD.

I HOPE HE'S ALL
RIGHT DOWN THERE.

- I KNOW EXACTLY HOW
YOU FEEL, MR. GILLIS,

BUT WE MUST ALL ADJUST.

WE CAN'T ANY OF US GO
ON LIVING IN THE PAST,

NOT EVEN MR. KREBS.

[DRUMS BEATING]

- SORRY I'M LATE,
BUT IT AIN'T EASY

TO GET HERE BY CANOE.

- MAYNARD.

- 'CAUSE I ONLY GET
SIX MILES TO A NATIVE.