The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 4, Episode 34 - Beauty Is Only Kin Deep - full transcript
After knowing each other for one day, Dobie asks Nancy Sue to marry him, and she accepts. There's only one problem: coming from a traditional family, Nancy Sue can't get married until her older sister does, she who apparently is a Plain Jane of a woman. That older sister is none other than Dr. Imogene Burkhart. Despite Dr. Burkhart not knowing how to make herself a desirable woman, which she ultimately admits she wants to be, she already has a long term boyfriend - certified public accountant, the staid Clinton Hardwell - who just doesn't seem to notice that she really is a woman. Winnie is able to make Dr. Burkhart look more feminine, which doesn't work to make Clinton notice her as a woman. So they resort to Plan B: manufacture a make believe boyfriend for Dr. Burkhart to make Clinton jealous. The person they hire to play the make believe boyfriend is the Gillis' milk delivery man, Casimir H. Prohosky, Jr. But Plan B needs to be revised, more than once. What ultimately happens when the plan is executed is unplanned.
- THIS IS NANCY SUE
AND SHE'S THE ONLY
GIRL I'LL EVER LOVE.
NOW, I KNOW YOU'VE
HEARD ME SAY THAT BEFORE.
BY ACTUAL COUNT, 74 GIRLS
HAVE BEEN THE ONLY GIRL
I'LL EVER LOVE
AND ANOTHER 52 HAVE BEEN
ALMOST THE ONLY GIRL I'LL EVER LOVE,
BUT NANCY SUE IS THE
REAL THING AT LAST.
I MEAN, THE WAY
I FEEL ABOUT HER,
ALL THOSE OTHER GIRLS MIGHT JUST
AS WELL HAVE BEEN SONNY LISTON.
YES. THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.
THIS IS GENUINE. THIS IS IT.
- I GIVE UP, WHAT IS IT?
- LOVE, DR. BURKHART,
THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
SWEET, BLISSFUL, DIVINE,
OH-WHAT-A-GLORIOUS-WORLD-IT-IS
LOVE.
- YOU COULD HAVE
FOOLED ME, MR. GILLIS.
FROM YOUR PALE GREEN EXPRESSION,
I'D PUT MY MONEY
ON ACID INDIGESTION.
- HOW COME YOU DON'T
BELIEVE IN LOVE, DR. BURKHART?
JUST LOOK WHAT IT'S DONE FOR ME.
- I'M LOOKING, MR. GILLIS,
AND YOU SHOULD HAVE
SETTLED FOR ACID INDIGESTION.
- POOR, UNHAPPY OLD THING.
AH, NANCY SUE, SHE LOVES ME,
SHE LOVES ME, SHE LOVES ME.
WHY MESS AROUND
WITH SHE LOVES ME NOT
WHEN ANY FOOL CAN
SEE THAT SHE DOES.
- DOBIE, MY ALL-TIME.
- AH, NANCY SUE, MY HURRICANE.
FOR YOU, DEAR ONE,
WITH ALL MY LOVE.
- THANK YOU, DUMPLING.
THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL.
- FRESH PICKED FROM
THE DEAN'S WINDOW BOX.
- OH, DOBIE, YOU'RE TOO MUCH.
- TELL ME, OH, MOON
OF MY DELIGHT,
HOW LONG HAVE WE
KNOWN EACH OTHER?
A MONTH? A YEAR? A LIFETIME?
- ONE DAY. WE MET JUST
YESTERDAY, REMEMBER?
- OH.
OH, WELL, NO MATTER, MY SWEET.
LOVE RECOGNIZES NO
CLOCK, NO CALENDAR.
ALL THAT COUNTS IS THAT
YOU HAVE ENTERED MY LIFE
AND I MUST SPEAK MY HEART.
- SO SPEAK IT ALREADY.
- NANCY SUE, WILL YOU MARRY ME?
- OF COURSE, DEAREST.
- PLEASE DON'T
ANSWER UNTIL YOU'VE...
HUH? YOU'LL DO IT?
YOU'LL MARRY ME?
YOU'RE NOT KIDDING?
- DOES THIS ANSWER
YOUR QUESTION?
- YEAH.
YES, IT DOES ANSWER MY QUESTION
AND IF THAT'S THE WAY
YOU ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS,
I HAVE A FEW HUNDRED
MORE. QUESTION ONE...
- DOBIE DEAR, MARRYING YOU
HAS BEEN MY CHERISHED DREAM
EVER SINCE WE MET, BUT
THERE'S ONE LITTLE CATCH.
- I KNEW IT WAS TOO
GOOD TO BE TRUE.
WHAT'S THE CATCH?
- WELL, YOU SEE, DOBIE, I COME
FROM AN OLD-FASHIONED FAMILY
WITH OLD-FASHIONED CUSTOMS.
- LIKE WANTING YOUR
HUSBAND TO HAVE A JOB.
NOW, THAT'S THE SILLIEST...
- NO. NO. NOTHING LIKE THAT.
IT'S JUST THAT I
CAN'T GET MARRIED
UNTIL MY OLDER
SISTER IS MARRIED.
IT'S A FAMILY TRADITION.
- WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
IF SHE'S ANYTHING LIKE YOU,
SHE CAN GET MARRIED LIKE THAT.
- OH, SHE'S A WONDERFUL GIRL.
- OF COURSE.
- MARVELOUS PERSONALITY.
- NATURALLY.
- VERY INTELLIGENT.
- SURE.
- FINE, GENEROUS DISPOSITION.
- A DOG, HUH?
- WELL...
- SHE'S A DOG AND WE'RE DOOMED.
- NO, DOBIE. NOT EXACTLY A...
WELL, LOOK, JUDGE FOR
YOURSELF. HERE SHE IS NOW.
- DR. BURKHART,
SHE'S YOUR SISTER?
- YES. YOU KNOW HER?
- YES, BOW WOW,
AND WE'RE DOOMED.
[JAZZ THEME]
GET OUT YOUR HANDKERCHIEFS
BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO
TELL YOU A VERY SAD STORY.
AFTER LONG DESPERATE
YEARS OF SEARCHING,
I FINALLY FOUND A
GIRL WHOM I LOVE
AND WHO WANTS TO MARRY
ME AND WHO LOOKS LIKE THIS.
BUT SHE CAN'T MARRY ME UNTIL
HER OLDER SISTER GETS MARRIED,
AND HER OLDER
SISTER LOOKS LIKE THIS.
AND NOW YOU KNOW WHY
THIS IS SUCH A SAD STORY.
YES, I'VE GOT A
PROBLEM, ALL RIGHT.
SO I DECIDED TO GO TO
MY FATHER FOR ADVICE.
NOW, DAD MAY NOT BE THE
WISEST MAN IN THE WORLD.
IN FACT, THERE ARE SOME WHO
SAY THAT WHAT HE IS IS THE DUMBEST,
BUT HE IS HARD-HEADED AND
PERSISTENT AND STUBBORN
AND HE DOESN'T KNOW THE
MEANING OF THE WORD QUIT.
- SON, THE WAY TO
SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM
IS TO FIND A HUSBAND
FOR THIS OLDER SISTER,
AND HAVING MET DR. BURKHART,
I NOW KNOW THE MEANING
OF THE WORD QUIT.
- DAD, CAN'T YOU GIVE
US ANY SUGGESTIONS?
- SURE. SEND HER UP TO ALASKA.
UP THERE, THE MEN
OUTNUMBER THE WOMEN 10 TO 1
AND POSSIBLY, SHE
CAN FIND SOME GUY
WHO FIGURES SHE CAN
KEEP THE BLUBBER BOILING
AND STILL LOOK BETTER
THAN A POLAR BEAR AND...
NO OFFENSE.
- NO OFFENSE, MR. GILLIS.
I KNOW IMOGENE DOESN'T DO
MUCH TO MAKE HERSELF ATTRACTIVE.
- YEAH. IF SHE'D DONE ANY LESS,
SHE'D COME IN SECOND
TO THE POLAR BEAR.
- OH, SWELL.
- MR. GILLIS!
- OH, THAT'S NOT...
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
BUT WHERE ARE WE GONNA
FIND ANYBODY THAT BACKWARD,
LAMEBRAINED, MUDDLEHEADED?
- YOU RANG?
- MAYNARD, HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE TO MARRY A RATHER AGING
BUT HARD-WORKING LADY?
- HERBERT!
- YOU'RE RIGHT, WINNIE.
I WOULDN'T WISH EITHER OF THEM
ON ANYBODY, EVEN EACH OTHER.
- BLESS YOUR LITTLE OLD HEART,
MR. G., WHEREVER IT MAY BE.
- AND THANK YOU, MAYNARD,
WHATEVER YOU MAY BE.
- LOOK, YOU'RE
APPROACHING THIS ALL WRONG.
WE DON'T HAVE TO FIND
A FELLA FOR IMOGENE.
SHE ALREADY HAS ONE.
THE QUESTION IS
GETTING HIM TO PROPOSE.
- SHE'S ALREADY GOT A FELLA?
- WELL, WHY DIDN'T
YOU SAY SO? WHO IS HE?
- SOME NEARSIGHTED
FELLA WITH BAD EYES.
- HIS NAME IS CLINTON HARDWELL.
HE'S A CERTIFIED
PUBLIC ACCOUNTANT,
AND HE CALLS ON HER
EVERY OTHER FRIDAY
AND SATURDAY NIGHT.
- WHY, THAT'S MARVELOUS.
YOU SEE, THERE ISN'T
ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
IT'S JUST THAT THESE CERTIFIED
PUBLIC ACCOUNTANTS TAKE
A LITTLE LONGER TO WORK
UP THE NERVE TO PROPOSE.
HOW LONG HAVE THEY
BEEN GOING TOGETHER?
- 12 YEARS.
- ALL RIGHT.
SO IT TAKES THESE CERTIFIED
PUBLIC ACCOUNTANTS A LOT LONGER
TO WORK UP THE NERVE TO PROPOSE.
- WELL, CLINT IS
THE SETTLED TYPE.
- 12 YEARS?
HE AIN'T SETTLED,
HE'S COLLAPSED.
- NOW, JUST A MINUTE.
IF THIS MR. HARDWELL HAS BEEN
KEEPING COMPANY WITH IMOGENE
FOR 12 YEARS, HE
MUST ADMIRE HER.
- OH, HE DOES. THEY'RE
THE BEST OF FRIENDS.
- I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TO DO.
WE'LL WAKE UP THIS MR. HARDWELL
TO WHAT HE'S MISSING.
WE'LL SHOW HIM THAT
UNDERNEATH THE PRIM,
COOL EXTERIOR OF
DR. IMOGENE BURKHART,
THERE LIES THE HEART
AND SOUL OF A WOMAN.
- DR. BURKHART? OH, COME NOW.
- TO DO THIS, WE WILL
PUT HER IN THE HANDS
OF A PERFECTLY SOPHISTICATED
WOMAN OF THE WORLD:
A WOMAN WHO IS WELL-VERSED
IN THE WAYS OF LOVE
AND COURTSHIP,
A WOMAN WHO IS
PRACTICAL AND REALISTIC
AND STILL AT THE SAME
TIME, SENSITIVE AND GENTLE
AND, WELL, UTTERLY,
UTTERLY FEMININE.
- WELL, IF THERE'S NO ONE
HERE MAN ENOUGH TO PLUNGE IN,
I'LL ASK THE QUESTION.
WHERE DO WE FIND SUCH A CHICK?
- I AM TALKING ABOUT ME.
- YOU?
- OH, COME NOW.
- ME.
I WILL SHOW HER HOW TO
BE THE KIND OF A WOMAN
THAT MEN DIE FOR.
- YOU?
- OH, COME NOW.
- ME.
AND WHEN THIS MR. HARDWELL
COMES TO TOWN AGAIN,
HE WILL FIND AN ENTIRELY
DIFFERENT WOMAN.
- I GOT IT, MRS. G., YOU!
- MY FOLKS ARE THE
GREATEST AMERICANS
SINCE CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS.
OH, SURE, I GET MAD AT THEM
ON CERTAIN RARE OCCASIONS
LIKE WHENEVER I'M WITH
THEM FOR MORE THAN THREE
OR FOUR MINUTES AT A TIME.
BUT WHEN THE CHIPS ARE DOWN,
THEY REALLY COME THROUGH.
JUST TO HELP ME
MARRY MY NANCY SUE,
THEY THREW ALL THEIR INGENUITY
AND EXPERIENCE INTO THE PROJECT
OF GETTING HER OLDER
SISTER A PROPOSAL
FROM HER RELUCTANT BOYFRIEND,
AND THEY DIDN'T WASTE A SECOND.
THAT AFTERNOON,
DR. BURKHART CAME
INTO THE STORE TO SHOP,
AND DAD LED INTO THE
SUBJECT WITH ALL THE FINESSE
AND SUBTLETY AT HIS COMMAND.
- WELL, THAT'S IT, THREE
POUNDS OF ONIONS,
A POUND OF COFFEE AND
TWO BUNCHES OF RADISHES,
AND HOW COME A WOMAN YOUR
AGE IS STILL HACKING AROUND SINGLE?
- HERBERT!
- MR. GILLIS.
- JUST JOKING,
LADIES, JUST JOKING.
LAUGH-A-MINUTE
GILLIS, THEY CALL ME.
- WITH THAT KIND
OF TALK, MR. GILLIS,
WHAT YOU'LL GET EVERY MINUTE
IS A HIT IN THE HEAD.
- YEAH. BUT GETTING
ON THE SQUARE, DOC,
I'VE BEEN THINKING
A LOT ABOUT IT.
NOW, HOW COME A CLASSY
CHICK LIKE YOU AIN'T MARRIED,
I SAYS TO MYSELF.
- NOT THAT IT'S ANY OF
YOUR BUSINESS, MR. GILLIS,
BUT THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I SAYS TO MYSELF.
- NO.
- YES.
- WELL, THEN,
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
JUST DO LIKE WE TELL YOU, AND
YOU'LL HOOK SOME POOR FISH
QUICKER THAN YOU CAN
SAY COMMUNITY PROPERTY.
- DR. BURKHART, WHAT MY
HUSBAND, IN HIS OWN STRANGE WAY,
IS TRYING TO SAY
IS THAT WE'VE KNOW
YOU FOR A LONG TIME
AND WE'RE VERY FOND OF
YOU, AND WE BELIEVE THAT...
WELL, FORGIVE ME, DEAR,
BUT WE HONESTLY BELIEVE
THAT YOU'RE A FAR
MORE ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
THAN YOU APPEAR TO BE.
- YOU'D HAVE TO BE.
- I SEE.
- WELL, NATURALLY,
AN ALICE FAYE OR A GAIL
PATRICK YOU WILL NEVER BE,
BUT THERE'S NO LAW SAYS YOU
HAVE TO KEEP WALKING AROUND
BEING THE MESS YOU ARE NOW.
- THANK YOU, MR. GILLIS.
- ANYTIME.
- HERBERT.
- WELL, JUST GIVE US A CHANCE
TO CLEAN AWAY THE DEBRIS,
AND I GUARANTEE YOU THAT
ANY CREEP THAT SEES YOU
AND DON'T PROPOSE OUGHT
TO HAVE HIS HEAD EXAMINED.
- THANK YOU FOR YOUR
INTEREST AND CONCERN,
MR. GILLIS AND MRS. GILLIS,
AND IT SO HAPPENS
THAT THERE IS A CREEP
WHO OUGHT TO HAVE
HIS HEAD EXAMINED.
- YEAH, WE HEARD ALL ABOUT
THAT CERTIFIED PUBLIC...
- HERBERT.
DR. BURKHART, WHAT
WERE YOU GOING TO SAY?
- I WAS GOING TO SAY THAT
THIS WHOLE THING IS OBVIOUSLY
A PUT-UP JOB TO TRY
AND GET ME MARRIED,
AND YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME
BECAUSE I'M PERFECTLY HAPPY
WITH THE WAY THINGS ARE NOW.
- YES. YES. BUT...
- STIMULATING THE BRAINS OF
SLEEPY, UNWILLING STUDENTS
BY DAY...
- OF COURSE, BUT...
- DECIPHERING THEIR
EXAMINATION PAPERS
BY NIGHT.
- NATURALLY. BUT...
- I READ, I WATCH
TELEVISION, I KNIT SWEATERS,
I PLAY BRIDGE WITH THE GIRLS.
IT'S A RICH, FULL,
SATISFYING LIFE.
- FINE, BUT...
- OH, YES.
AND THERE'S ONE MORE THING.
- WHAT?
- EVERY WORD I JUST
SAID WAS A BIG FAT LIE.
I DESPISE BEING SINGLE,
AND MRS. GILLIS, WHEN
DO WE START REDOING ME?
I CAN'T WAIT TO GET THAT
BACKWARD OAF TO PROPOSE.
- I KNEW IT.
- SO MOM SET OUT TO TURN
DR. BURKHART, B.A., M.S., PH.D.
INTO IMOGENE
BURKHART M-A-R-R-I-E-D.
THAT SPELLS MARRIED
IN CASE YOU'RE IN MAYNARD'S
INTELLIGENCE BRACKET.
NOW, HERE'S HOW
DR. BURKHART USED TO LOOK.
PRETTY SPOOKY, HUH?
BUT WAIT TILL YOU SEE THE
WAY MOM TRANSFORMED HER.
- I FEEL LIKE
SOMEBODY'S BACK YARD
AFTER A HEAVY RAIN.
- RELAX, DR. BURKHART.
THIS MUDPACK'S GOING
TO MAKE YOU BEAUTIFUL.
- I WISH IT'D HURRY UP AND WORK.
I FEEL LIKE THE
BRIDE OF DRACULA.
- HEY, WINNIE,
HERE'S THEM DRESSES
YOU WANTED ME TO PICK UP. AH!
GET ME A CLUB, I'LL BEAT IT
TO DEATH BEFORE IT BITES YOU.
- HERBERT, LEAVE HER ALONE.
MR. HARDWELL WILL BE
HERE IN A COUPLE OF HOURS
AND SHE HAS TO BE READY.
- YEAH. THAT'S WHY I CAME OVER.
I WANT TO FIND OUT IF YOU
GOT THE RIGHT STRATEGY
FOR LANDING THIS FLOUNDER.
- HERBERT, EVERYTHING'S BEEN
TAKEN CARE OF, SO PLEASE...
- YEAH, I KNOW, BUT
WHAT ABOUT THE WALK?
DOC, WHAT ABOUT THE WALK?
YOU GOT THE WALK THAT'S
GONNA DRIVE HIM MAD?
- MR. GILLIS, I REALIZE THAT
MY MAN-CATCHING CAREER
IS STILL IN ITS
INFANCY, BUT WALK?
THAT I CAN DO.
- NO OFFENSE, DOC,
BUT I MEAN WALK LIKE
A PANTHER WOMAN
OR SOMETHING,
NOT THAT GRAPE CRUSHER'S POLKA
YOU GO CLOMPING AROUND WITH.
- MR. GILLIS.
- NOW, LOOK, IT'S GOT TO
BE... PLUG YOUR EARS, WINNIE.
IT'S GOT TO BE S-E-X-Y,
SEXY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
- HONESTLY, HERBERT.
- LIKE THIS, DOC.
LIKE YOU GOT A CROP
OF HAY ON ONE HIP
AND A CROP OF
ALFALFA ON THE OTHER
AND WHEN YOU START MOVING,
YOU START ROTATING THE CROPS.
- HEY, MRS. G., I... WHOA!
PARDON ME, MADAM, I
DIDN'T KNOW I WAS BURSTING
INTO A LADY'S BOUDOIR.
- MAYNARD, COME BACK HERE.
- OH, IT'S YOU, MR. G.
- YEAH. IT'S ME, MR. G.
- CARE TO DANCE?
- NEVER MIND.
- MRS. G., I BRUNG THE LIPSTICKS
AND PERFUMES AND MAKE-UPS
FOR DR. B. FROM THE DRUG STORE.
OOH, WHAT YOU MUST HAVE
SAID TO THE WITCH DOCTOR.
- NEVER MIND AND GO AWAY.
- YES. CLEAR OUT,
BOTH OF YOU MEN.
DR. BURKHART HAS TO
TRY ON THESE DRESSES,
AND WE HAVE TO SELECT THE ONE
THAT WILL BE THE MOST
APPEALING TO MR. HARDWELL.
- HOW ABOUT SOMETHING
WITH A BELT IN THE BACK,
TWO PAIRS OF
PANTS. THEY'RE NICE.
- OUT, MAYNARD, OUT.
- WITH A DERBY HAT.
- WE HAVE LESS THAN TWO HOURS
TO GET IMOGENE INTO A SHAPE
THAT WILL MAKE THAT
CERTIFIED PUBLIC ACCOUNTANT...
- SIT UP AND TAKE
ACCOUNT OF HIMSELF?
- YES, SHE DOES LOOK
BEAUTIFUL, DOESN'T SHE?
- GOLLY, BEAUTIFUL
ISN'T THE WORD FOR IT.
- TRY UGLY.
- YOU KNOW SOMETHING, DOC?
IF YOU WAS TO SHOW UP
AT THE BISON LODGE HALL
LOOKING LIKE THAT,
I GUARANTEE YOU
THAT HALF THE GUYS AT THE POOL
AND PINOCHLE TABLES WOULD GET UP
JUST TO GIVE YOU THE DOUBLE O.
- I'M SCARED.
DO YOU THINK CLINTON'S
GOING TO LIKE THIS?
- DEAR, I WOULDN'T BE
SURPRISED IF HE PROPOSES TO YOU
THE MINUTE HE SEES YOU.
- I WOULD.
- IMOGENE, JUST REMEMBER
THE THINGS WE'VE TOLD YOU.
KEEP THE ROOM NICE AND DARK.
- YEAH, AND KEEP A LOT
OF SOFT ROMANTIC MUSIC
GOING ON THE RECORD PLAYER.
- AND ACT SOPHISTICATED,
REMOTE AND MYSTERIOUS.
- SPEAK TO CLINTON
IN A LOW, SEXY VOICE.
- AND IF HE STILL DON'T
MAKE A GRAB FOR YOU,
PACK HIM IN, HE'S DEAD.
- I JUST HOPE THAT
HE LIKES ME THIS WAY.
- HE'LL LOVE YOU.
THERE'S NOTHING TO
BE NERVOUS ABOUT.
- OH, I'M NOT NERVOUS,
I'M CERFECTLY PALM...
PERFECTLY CALM AND RELAXED
ABOUT THE WHOLE THING.
I MEAN, AFTER ALL...
[DOORBELL RINGS]
AH! IT'S HIM. IT'S
CLINTON. HE'S HERE!
OH, DEAR, HOW DO I LOOK?
DO I LOOK ALL RIGHT? DO
YOU THINK HE'LL LIKE ME?
[DOORBELL RINGS] OH, DEAR.
- JUST LET HIM IN.
EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.
- AND IF YOU NEED US,
WE'LL BE IN THE NEXT ROOM,
SORT OF, SHALL WE SAY OBSERVING?
- SHALL WE SAY SNOOPING?
- HELLO THERE, CLINTON.
- MISS IMOGENE, DO
YOU HAVE A COLD?
YOU SOUND LIKE A CASE OF
THE EYE, EAR, NOSE, AND THROAT.
- OH, NO. NO. I'M FINE.
- GOOD GIRL.
- HOW HAVE YOU
BEEN, CLINTON, DEAR?
- IN EXCELLENT
CONDITION, THANK YOU.
- GOOD. GOOD.
CLINTON, DO YOU LIKE
THE DRESS I'M WEARING?
- YES. IT'S QUITE INTERESTING.
AND THE COWBOY HEELS
MAKE YOU LOOK NICE AND TALL.
- THANK YOU.
BUT DIDN'T YOU FORGET
TO PUT ON YOUR SHIRT?
- I WITHDRAW THE THANK-YOU.
CLINTON, DO YOU NOTICE ANYTHING
DIFFERENT ABOUT THE ROOM?
- YES.
IT'S TERRIBLY DARK,
VERY BAD FOR THE EYES.
THERE.
NOW... IS THAT NOT
AN IMPROVEMENT?
- OH, BOY.
- MISS IMOGENE, WHERE
WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO
THIS EVENING? I JUST
FINISHED THE INVENTORY
FOR THE AMALGAMATED
GLAMIS COMPANY,
AND I THOUGHT WE MIGHT
CELEBRATE WITH AN EVENING
OF, WELL, SHALL WE SAY, MADNESS.
- LET'S SAY MADNESS.
THAT SOUNDS
DIVINE, CLINTON DEAR.
I HEAR THEY HAVE A
MARVELOUS BOSSA NOVA BAND
AT THE PEABODY ROOF.
- WELL, I WAS THINKING
MORE ON THE ORDER
OF A THOUGHT-PROVOKING
LECTURE ON CAPITAL GAINS
BY THE STATE TAX DEPARTMENT
AT CIVIC AUDITORIUM,
OR PERHAPS A DEMONSTRATION
OF TABULATING COMPUTERS
AT THE COLLEGE.
THEY BOTH SOUND
FASCINATING, DON'T THEY?
- THAT'S THE WORD, FASCINATING.
ON SECOND THOUGHT, CLINT,
WHY DON'T WE JUST STAY
HERE FOR THE EVENING,
JUST THE TWO OF US...
- WELL...
- ALONE, WITH NO
ONE ELSE AROUND.
HOW DOES THAT SOUND?
- WELL, NOT BAD.
NO, NOT BAD AT ALL.
WE'LL STAY HERE AND WORK
UP OUR OWN EXCITEMENT.
- EXACTLY.
- RIGHT. SWITCH
ON THE TELEVISION.
"THE LATE LATE
SHOW" IS FEATURING
AN ALL PETER LAWFORD FESTIVAL.
- ALL RIGHT, SO
DR. BURKHART'S FIRST SHOT
AT TRAPPING THE ELUSIVE
MR. CLINTON HARDWELL
WAS NOT EXACTLY
A HOWLING SUCCESS.
BUT IT WAS A WORTHWHILE
ATTEMPT, AN HONEST EFFORT,
A GOOD COLLEGE TRY.
- A FIASCO.
- YEAH. THEM FIASCOS
ARE THE GREATEST.
I MEAN, WHEN IT COMES
TO MAKING LITTLE CARS,
YOU JUST CAN'T
BEAT THEM ITALIANS.
- MR. HARDWELL WILL BE
BACK AGAIN TONIGHT, WON'T HE?
- OH, SURE. SURE.
HE CALLS ON ME EVERY
FRIDAY AND SATURDAY NIGHT
JUST AS REGULAR
AS DEATH AND TAXES,
BUT IT WILL BE JUST
THE SAME AS LAST NIGHT
AND EVERY OTHER NIGHT
FOR THE LAST 12 YEARS.
NO MATTER WHAT I DO,
HE JUST DOESN'T LOOK ON
ME AS A DESIRABLE WOMAN.
- OH, DON'T FEEL TOO BAD, DR. B.
HE PROBABLY WOULDN'T
HAVE LOOKED ON ME
AS A DESIRABLE WOMAN NEITHER.
- WELL, WE CAN'T GIVE UP NOW.
LOOK AT THE MARVELOUS MIRACLE
THAT WE ACCOMPLISHED LAST NIGHT.
- RIGHT, DR. B. YOU WERE
LIKE ANOTHER WOMAN.
I MEAN, I COULD HAVE
GONE FOR YOU MYSELF
IF I WAS ANOTHER MAN
WHICH I'M NOT, YOU KNOW.
- MAYNARD, EITHER
MAKE SENSE OR CLAM UP
AND YOU JUST GAVE ME
AN IDEA, A GREAT IDEA!
- YOU, A GREAT IDEA? LIKE, HA!
- ANOTHER MAN.
THAT'S IT! OH, AM I
GLAD I THOUGHT OF IT.
WHY, THERE IS NOTHING
WILL MAKE A MAN SIT UP
AND PAY ATTENTION
LIKE FINDING OUT
THAT THERE'S ANOTHER
MAN IN A WOMAN'S LIFE.
- YES, OF COURSE! JEALOUSY!
HE'LL SING A DIFFERENT TUNE
WHEN WE COMES FACE TO FACE
WITH THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER.
- YOU RANG?
OF COURSE, ONLY ONE
OF MY EYES IS GREEN,
THE OTHER TWO IS VERMILLION.
- I'M AFRAID THERE IS NO
OTHER MAN IN MY LIFE, MR. GILLIS,
CONFOUND THE LUCK,
AND CLINTON KNOWS IT.
- THEN WE'LL INVENT ONE.
- NO. NO.
A MAKE-BELIEVE BOYFRIEND
WILL NEVER WORK.
CLINTON'S A HARDHEAD,
HE ONLY BELIEVES
WHAT HE CAN SEE.
- SO WE'LL UN-HARD HIS HEAD
AND MAKE IT SEE SOMETHING.
- HERBERT, YOU MEAN...
- YOU BET I MEAN.
WE WILL HIRE SOME BIG
HANDSOME, GOOD-LOOKING BRUTE
TO CHARGE IN ON DOC HERE
WHEN THAT PENCIL PUSHER IS THERE
AND GRAB HER AND HUG HER
AND SQUEEZE HER AND KISS HER.
OH, HE WILL GO FOR THAT, HUH?
- I DON'T KNOW ABOUT
HIM, BUT I SURE WILL.
- AND HER A TEACHER,
NOTHING'S THE SAME
SINCE THE GREAT WAR.
- MR. GILLIS, WHERE ARE WE
GOING TO FIND SUCH A MAN?
I MEAN, WE CAN'T EXPECT HIM TO
JUST WALK THROUGH THAT DOOR
BY JUST SAYING ABRACADABRA.
- ABRACADABRA.
- OH, HI, CASIMIR.
- ABRACADABRA.
HERB, I'VE WAVED MY
MAGIC WAND AT THE COWS
AND COME UP WITH
AN EXCELLENT VINTAGE
OF FINE BOTTLED MILK.
HOW MANY QUARTS SHOULD I LEAVE?
- 30 OUGHT TO DO IT,
AND WHILE YOU'RE THERE
TAKE A LOOK AT THE SOUR CREAM
AND THE BUTTERMILK, WILL YOU?
AND ALSO THE COTTAGE CHEESE.
DOC, I THINK THAT WE
OUGHT TO BE ABLE TO COME UP
WITH THE RIGHT FELLA
IF WE'RE WILLING TO
PART WITH ABOUT 20 BUCKS.
- MAKE THAT 25 BUCKS
AND I'M THE RIGHT FELLA.
- BUT, CASIMIR, YOU DON'T
KNOW WHAT YOU'D HAVE TO DO.
- MRS. GILLIS, FOR 25 BUCKS,
I WOULD KISS A POLAR BEAR.
- THAT'S OUR MAN.
- HERBERT.
- YOU BETTER HOLD
OUT FOR MORE LOOT.
THE WOMAN THEY WANT YOU
TO KISS IS A WOMAN NAMED...
- MR. KREBS.
- NO. NOT MR. KREBS, IT'S...
- MAYNARD, THERE
WILL BE NO NAMES.
- OKAY, CASIMIR. WE GOT A DEAL?
- NOW, JUST A DARN
MINUTE, MR. GILLIS.
I HAVE...
MY FRIEND HASN'T
SAID YES TO THIS.
- THAT'S TRUE,
HERBERT, SHE HASN'T.
- AND SHE HASN'T SAID NO EITHER.
OKAY, HOW ABOUT
A SIMPLE YES OR NO?
- A SIMPLE YES.
- THAT'S MY GIRL.
- AFTER ALL, WHAT
HAVE I GOT TO LOSE?
- AT HER AGE? NOTHING.
- IT'S A DEAL, MR. GILLIS,
AND LET THE DEVIL
TAKE THE HINDMOST.
- OKAY, CASIMIR.
NOW, HERE'S THE DEAL.
TONIGHT AT 8:30 SHARP,
I WANT YOU GO TO OUT TO
A DR. BURKHART'S HOUSE.
I'LL GIVE YOU THE
ADDRESS LATER, SEE.
AND I WANT YOU
TO RUN IN AND YELL,
"IMOGENE, MY LOVED ONE, I
AM DYING OF UNREQUITED LOVE
AND FRUSTRATION AND
ALL ON ACCOUNT OF YOU!"
- YEAH, THAT'S
WHEN THE BOYFRIEND
BELTS YOU RIGHT IN THE MOUTH.
- HUH?
NOW, HOLD IT, HERB. I JUST
WANT TO MAKE 25 BUCKS.
- OH, NO. NO. NO. IT'LL
NEVER COME TO THAT.
IT'S JUST A LITTLE SCHEME TO
GET HER BOYFRIEND TO PROPOSE.
NOW, GO AHEAD, CASIMIR.
SHOW US HOW
YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT.
- YES, AND DO IT GOOD,
25 DOLLARS GOOD,
'CAUSE I'M GONNA BE OUTSIDE
WATCHING YOU EVERY MINUTE.
- ME TOO. I LOVE TO EAVESDRIP.
- THAT'S EAVESDROP
AND OH, NO, YOU DON'T,
BECAUSE I'M GOING TO
WHAP ANYBODY THAT I CATCH
GETTING NOSEY.
ALL RIGHT, CASIMIR, GO AHEAD.
- RIGHT.
NOW, FOR 25 BUCKS, LEAVE
US ASSUME YOU'RE IMOGENE.
IMOGENE, MY LOVED ONE,
I, CASIMIR H. PROHOSKY, JR.
AM DYING OF UNREQUITED...
- CASIMIR H. PROHOSKY?
- CASIMIR H. PROHOSKY, JR.
WHERE ELSE YOU GONNA FIND
ONE OF THEM WHEN YOU NEED ONE?
- MAYNARD, PLEASE. ALL
RIGHT, MR. PROHOSKY.
GO AHEAD AND SHOW US
HOW YOU'RE GOING TO...
CASIMIR H. PROHOSKY, JR.?
- CASIMIR H. PROHOSKY, JR.?
- RIGHT.
HE'S A FINE, HARD-WORKING
MAN, HE'S IN THE DAIRY GAME,
BUT HE HAS A VIOLENT TEMPER,
AND HE'S INSANELY JEALOUS.
I'M SO AFRAID THAT HE'S GOING
TO COME BURSTING IN HERE
AND DO SOMETHING DESPERATE
NOW THAT I REJECTED HIS OFFER
OF MARRIAGE FOR THE
17th, OR IS IT THE 18th TIME?
OH, CLINTON, I AM JUST
FRIGHTENED TO DEATH
OF WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN.
CLINTON, YOU'VE GOT
TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO.
WHAT SHALL I DO? HELP ME.
- CASIMIR H. PROHOSKY, JR.?
- OH, IT ISN'T MYSELF
I FEAR FOR, IT'S YOU.
THERE'S JUST NO
TELLING WHAT HE MIGHT DO
IF HE FINDS YOU HERE.
HE LOOKS ON ME AS A
SORT OF GODDESS, YOU SEE.
- CASIMIR H. PROHOSKY, JR.?
- DOBIE, LEAVE THEM ALONE.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR MOTHER
SAID ABOUT EAVESDROPPING.
- YES. WE SHOULDN'T DO IT.
- TRUE.
- IT'S UNMANNERLY AND
IMPOLITE AND SHAMEFUL.
- SO WHY ARE STANDING
HERE? LET'S GET BACK TO IT.
[PHONE RINGS]
- HELLO?
WHO?
CASIMIR H. PROHOSKY, JR.?
- MR. PROHOSKY?
WHY ISN'T HE HERE?
HELLO, MR. PROHOSKY,
THIS IS DOBIE GILLIS.
WE'RE WAITING... WHAT?
THE TRANSMISSION
FELL OUT OF YOUR CAR?
BUT THIS IS A MATTER
OF LIFE OR DEATH TO DR...
OH.
OH, YOU WERE UNDER THE CAR
WHEN THE TRANSMISSION FELL
OUT OF THE CAR?
OH, WELL, GOLLY. HUH?
OH, NO. NO. FORGET
IT, MR. PROHOSKY.
SOMEHOW ARRIVING IN AN AMBULANCE
DOESN'T SEEM EXACTLY RIGHT.
THANKS ANYHOW. SO LONG.
AH, DARN THE LUCK.
THAT PROHOSKY.
CAN YOU IMAGINE BACKING OUT
JUST BECAUSE A
TRANSMISSION FALLS ON YOU?
- POOR IMOGENE. SHE'LL
NEVER GET CLINTON NOW.
HE WON'T EVER BELIEVE HER AGAIN.
- YEAH. DARN THE LUCK.
JUST BECAUSE ONE CHICKEN-HEARTED
MILKMAN GETS CHICKEN-HEARTED,
WE'RE ALL DOOMED.
OR ARE WE?
- MISS IMOGENE, THE
COMPUTER DEMONSTRATION
STARTS IN HALF AN HOUR.
NOW, WE DON'T WANT
TO MISS A SINGLE,
COMPLETE MATHEMATICAL
CYCLE, DO WE?
- I'D DIE FIRST.
BUT LET'S WAIT A FEW
MORE MINUTES, SHALL WE?
- FOR WHAT?
- FOR, UH, OR, UM...
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- FOR THAT?
- WHAT?
- I MEAN... OH, DEAR, I DO
HOPE THAT ISN'T CASIMIR,
MY INSANELY JEALOUS SUITOR,
THE DAIRY KING, REMEMBER?
- WELL, LET'S NOT
TAKE ANY CHANCES.
WE'LL GO OUT THE BACK WAY.
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
AFTER ALL THE
TROUBLE WE WENT TO?
- HUH?
- I MEAN, AFTER ALL THE
TROUBLE WE WENT TO
TO ARRANGE THIS
PLEASANT EVENING.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- I'D BETTER SEE WHO THAT IS.
MAYBE IT'S A WRONG NUMBER.
CASIMIR, I BEGGED
YOU NOT TO... CASIMIR?
- YES, IMOGENE,
MY FAIR MILKMAID.
IT IS I, CASIMIR
H. PROHOSKY, JR.,
YOUR ONE TRUE LOVE.
- HOW DO YOU DO?
- I... OH, CASIMIR.
I BEGGED YOU NOT TO COME HERE.
YOUR INSANE JEALOUSY
WILL DESTROY US ALL.
- YES, MY BELOVED ONE.
I AM DYING OF UNREQUITED
LOVE AND FRUSTRATION
ON ACCOUNT OF YOU.
- BY GEORGE, THERE
IS ANOTHER MAN.
HE ISN'T MUCH, BUT HE IS A MAN.
- RIGHT. RIGHT.
SIR, THE NAME IS
PROHOSKY, CASIMIR H.
- MISS IMOGENE, IT OCCURS
TO ME THAT IF THIS GENTLEMAN
IS SO INTRIGUED WITH YOU,
PERHAPS I'VE BEEN MISSING
SOMETHING ALL THESE YEARS.
- TRUE. TRUE.
- TRUE. TRUE.
IMOGENE, MY BELOVED ONE, I
AM DYING OF UNREQUITED LOVE
AND FRUSTRATION
ON ACCOUNT OF YOU.
- IMOGENE, MY LOVED ONE,
ME, CASIMIR H. PROHOSKY, JR.,
AM DYING OF UNREQUITED
LOVE AND FRUSTRATION
ALL ON ACCOUNT OF YOU.
- YOU'RE CASIMIR H.
PROHOSKY, JR. TOO?
- YOU BET YOUR
BOOTS I AM. IMOGENE, I...
- AND YOU ARE CASIMIR
H. PROHOSKY, JR.?
- WELL, YOU SEE, SIR...
- IMOGENE, MY DARLING, I'M
DYING OF UNREQUESTED LOVE
AND PROSTRATION
ON ACCOUNT OF YOU.
- DON'T TELL ME, YOU'RE
CASIMIR H. PROHOSKY, JR.
- I AM?
- YOU ARE.
- I ARE.
OH, HI, MR. G. LIKE HI, DOBE
G. LIKE BYE, EVERYBODY.
- IMOGENE, MY BELOVED
ONE... OH, EXCUSE ME, FRIENDS.
I, CASIMIR H. PROHOSKY,
JR., AM DYING OF...
- OF UNREQUITED LOVE AND
FRUSTRATION ON ACCOUNT OF HER.
- THANKS, MAC. I,
CASIMIR H. PROHOSKY, JR.,
AM DYING OF UNREQUITED
LOVE AND FRUSTRATION.
- MISS IMOGENE, I DON'T
WANT TO APPEAR SUSPICIOUS,
BUT I HAVE THE ODDEST FEELING
THAT SOMETHING VERY PECULIAR
IS GOING ON HERE.
- WHY WOULD YOU
SAY A THING LIKE THAT?
- I THINK AN
EXPLANATION IS COMING.
- WELL, LET'S HAVE IT.
AND THIS IS ALL
VERY EASY TO... NO.
IT ISN'T EASY. IT
ISN'T EASY AT ALL.
- I MEAN TO GET TO
THE BOTTOM OF THIS,
OR MY NAME ISN'T
CASIMIR H. PRO...
CLINTON J. HARDWELL.
NOW, HOW IS IT THAT
YOU'RE ALL NAMED
CASIMIR H. PROHOSKY, JR.?
- GOOD QUESTION.
- AND I DEMAND A GOOD ANSWER.
- ANY VOLUNTEERS?
- MR. HARDWELL,
WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT
IF I TOLD YOU THAT
CASIMIR H. PROHOSKY, JR.
IS A VERY COMMON NAME
IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD?
- NO.
- WOULD YOU BELIEVE
IT IF I TOLD YOU?
AND NATURALLY, YOU WOULDN'T.
NOBODY'S THAT FOOLISH.
- OH, LOOK, MR. GILLIS,
DOBIE, MAYNARD,
I APPRECIATE WHAT
YOU'RE TRYING TO DO,
BUT WE HAVE BEEN CAUGHT.
SO LET'S JUST GIVE UP AND...
- HOLD THE PHONE.
HOLD THE PHONE.
YOU MEAN THIS IS THE
CHICK YOU PAID ME 25 BUCKS
TO PLAY UP TO?
- YEP.
- WELL, KEEP YOUR DOUGH.
THIS I DO FOR NOTHING.
- NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
- I MEAN, THAT HAIR,
THEM EYES, THAT BUILD.
- PLEASE, MR. PROHOSKY.
- THEM LEGS AND
TEETH, THAT SKIN.
- PLEASE, MR. PROHOSKY, GO ON!
- PUT THEM ALL
TOGETHER, DOC, AND...
- THEY SPELL MOTHER!
- THEY SPELL WHAT ARE YOU
DOING LATER TONIGHT, KID?
THEY GOT A HOT BOSSA NOVA
BAND AT THE PEABODY ROOF.
- I'D LOVE TO.
- MISS IMOGENE, HE
HASN'T EVEN ASKED YOU.
- HE WILL.
- YOU BET I'M ASKING.
- I'M ACCEPTING.
- MISS IMOGENE, WHAT ABOUT
THE DEMONSTRATION TICKETS?
THEY'RE ALL PAID FOR.
- I'M SORRY, CLINTON, BUT
IT'S A LITTLE TOO LITTLE,
AND MUCH TOO LATE.
BESIDES, I'VE NEVER
DANCED THE BOSSA NOVA
WITH ANYONE NAMED
CASIMIR H. PROHOSKY.
- JUNIOR.
- WELL, SON, WE GOT HER A FELLA.
- AND A LIVE ONE.
- WELL, I NEVER.
- WELL, I NEVER EITHER.
- HEY, DOBE, YOU WANT
TO GO DOWNTOWN WITH ME
AND WATCH THEM PAINT WHITE LINES
DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET?
- NO THANKS, MAYNARD.
- OH, THEY AIN'T PAINTING
REGULAR WHITE LINES THIS TIME,
THEY'RE PAINTING GREEN LINES.
- MAYNARD.
- AND IT'S REAL EASY TO DO.
YOU SEE, WHAT THEY DO IS
LET AN ICE CREAM TRUCK LOOSE
WITH THE PISTACHIO TANK LEAKING.
- MAYNARD, I DEEPLY APPRECIATE
YOUR EFFORT TO INCLUDE ME
IN YOUR HIGH-BROW
CULTURAL RECREATION.
- MON PLEASURE, MONSIEUR.
- BUT I HAVE A DATE
WITH NANCY SUE,
MY INTENDED.
- YOUR INTENDED?
YOU AIN'T NEVER
GONNA MARRY HER, DOBE,
UNTIL HER SISTER GETS MARRIED,
WHICH IS PROBABLY NEVER,
EVEN LONGER.
- THAT'S HOW MUCH
YOU KNOW ABOUT IT.
DR. BURKHART HAS BLOSSOMED INTO
ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR WOMEN
IN HER AGE BRACKET.
NOW SHE CAN GET A
MAN JUST LIKE THAT.
- AND THAT'S HOW
SHE DUMPS THEM TOO,
JUST LIKE THAT.
- WELL, WHAT ABOUT
MR. PROHOSKY, THE MILKMAN?
- SHE DUMPED HIM
FOR SIMON LEBUSH,
THE USED CAR SALESMAN.
- WELL, WHAT ABOUT HIM?
- HIM SHE DUMPED
FOR ARMANDO SCAMPI,
THE SAXOPHONE PLAYER,
OR WAS IT THE DENTIST,
SHELDON ELLENBOGEN, DDS.
- NANCY SUE, YOU MEAN...
- I MEAN NOW THAT SHE'S SUCH
A SMASH WITH ALL THE MEN,
SHE'S DECIDED TO PLAY THE FIELD.
- BUT THAT MEANS SHE WON'T
GET MARRIED FOR YEARS.
- TRUE.
AFTER ALL THIS TIME, SHE'S
SOWING HER WILD OATS.
- SHE BETTER HURRY
BECAUSE WHEN YOU
REACH SEPTEMBER,
THE WILD OATS DWINDLE
DOWN TO THE PRECIOUS FEW.
- AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING, DOBIE?
- YEAH, WHAT, MY BELOVED?
- I THINK SHE'S GOT
THE RIGHT IDEA.
- UH-OH, DOBE, HERE IT COMES.
- MAYNARD, PLEASE. NANCY
SUE, DON'T MAKE JOKES.
YOU LOVE ME AND I LOVE YOU.
- NOT SO FAST, DOBIE. I'M
NOT SO SURE ANYMORE.
- YEP. THIS IS IT,
DOBE, JUST WATCH.
- MAYNARD, BUTT OUT.
NANCY SUE, YOU'RE KIDDING,
OF COURSE, AREN'T YOU?
- YOU'RE A NICE
BOY AND ALL THAT,
BUT I THINK I NEED
TIME TO LOOK AROUND,
SO GOODBYE.
- BINGO, THAT WAS IT.
- READY, LITTLE SISTER?
I'VE GOT A COUPLE OF
LIVE ONES LINED UP FOR US
AT THE PEABODY ROOF.
WE'RE GOING DANCING.
NO OFFENSE, DOBIE.
- BUT NANCY SUE, WHAT ABOUT US?
WHAT ABOUT...
- OH, CHEER UP, GOOD
BUDDY. YOU STILL GOT ME.
- I'M AFRAID SO, MAYNARD.
- Both: I'M AFRAID SO.
AND SHE'S THE ONLY
GIRL I'LL EVER LOVE.
NOW, I KNOW YOU'VE
HEARD ME SAY THAT BEFORE.
BY ACTUAL COUNT, 74 GIRLS
HAVE BEEN THE ONLY GIRL
I'LL EVER LOVE
AND ANOTHER 52 HAVE BEEN
ALMOST THE ONLY GIRL I'LL EVER LOVE,
BUT NANCY SUE IS THE
REAL THING AT LAST.
I MEAN, THE WAY
I FEEL ABOUT HER,
ALL THOSE OTHER GIRLS MIGHT JUST
AS WELL HAVE BEEN SONNY LISTON.
YES. THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.
THIS IS GENUINE. THIS IS IT.
- I GIVE UP, WHAT IS IT?
- LOVE, DR. BURKHART,
THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
SWEET, BLISSFUL, DIVINE,
OH-WHAT-A-GLORIOUS-WORLD-IT-IS
LOVE.
- YOU COULD HAVE
FOOLED ME, MR. GILLIS.
FROM YOUR PALE GREEN EXPRESSION,
I'D PUT MY MONEY
ON ACID INDIGESTION.
- HOW COME YOU DON'T
BELIEVE IN LOVE, DR. BURKHART?
JUST LOOK WHAT IT'S DONE FOR ME.
- I'M LOOKING, MR. GILLIS,
AND YOU SHOULD HAVE
SETTLED FOR ACID INDIGESTION.
- POOR, UNHAPPY OLD THING.
AH, NANCY SUE, SHE LOVES ME,
SHE LOVES ME, SHE LOVES ME.
WHY MESS AROUND
WITH SHE LOVES ME NOT
WHEN ANY FOOL CAN
SEE THAT SHE DOES.
- DOBIE, MY ALL-TIME.
- AH, NANCY SUE, MY HURRICANE.
FOR YOU, DEAR ONE,
WITH ALL MY LOVE.
- THANK YOU, DUMPLING.
THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL.
- FRESH PICKED FROM
THE DEAN'S WINDOW BOX.
- OH, DOBIE, YOU'RE TOO MUCH.
- TELL ME, OH, MOON
OF MY DELIGHT,
HOW LONG HAVE WE
KNOWN EACH OTHER?
A MONTH? A YEAR? A LIFETIME?
- ONE DAY. WE MET JUST
YESTERDAY, REMEMBER?
- OH.
OH, WELL, NO MATTER, MY SWEET.
LOVE RECOGNIZES NO
CLOCK, NO CALENDAR.
ALL THAT COUNTS IS THAT
YOU HAVE ENTERED MY LIFE
AND I MUST SPEAK MY HEART.
- SO SPEAK IT ALREADY.
- NANCY SUE, WILL YOU MARRY ME?
- OF COURSE, DEAREST.
- PLEASE DON'T
ANSWER UNTIL YOU'VE...
HUH? YOU'LL DO IT?
YOU'LL MARRY ME?
YOU'RE NOT KIDDING?
- DOES THIS ANSWER
YOUR QUESTION?
- YEAH.
YES, IT DOES ANSWER MY QUESTION
AND IF THAT'S THE WAY
YOU ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS,
I HAVE A FEW HUNDRED
MORE. QUESTION ONE...
- DOBIE DEAR, MARRYING YOU
HAS BEEN MY CHERISHED DREAM
EVER SINCE WE MET, BUT
THERE'S ONE LITTLE CATCH.
- I KNEW IT WAS TOO
GOOD TO BE TRUE.
WHAT'S THE CATCH?
- WELL, YOU SEE, DOBIE, I COME
FROM AN OLD-FASHIONED FAMILY
WITH OLD-FASHIONED CUSTOMS.
- LIKE WANTING YOUR
HUSBAND TO HAVE A JOB.
NOW, THAT'S THE SILLIEST...
- NO. NO. NOTHING LIKE THAT.
IT'S JUST THAT I
CAN'T GET MARRIED
UNTIL MY OLDER
SISTER IS MARRIED.
IT'S A FAMILY TRADITION.
- WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
IF SHE'S ANYTHING LIKE YOU,
SHE CAN GET MARRIED LIKE THAT.
- OH, SHE'S A WONDERFUL GIRL.
- OF COURSE.
- MARVELOUS PERSONALITY.
- NATURALLY.
- VERY INTELLIGENT.
- SURE.
- FINE, GENEROUS DISPOSITION.
- A DOG, HUH?
- WELL...
- SHE'S A DOG AND WE'RE DOOMED.
- NO, DOBIE. NOT EXACTLY A...
WELL, LOOK, JUDGE FOR
YOURSELF. HERE SHE IS NOW.
- DR. BURKHART,
SHE'S YOUR SISTER?
- YES. YOU KNOW HER?
- YES, BOW WOW,
AND WE'RE DOOMED.
[JAZZ THEME]
GET OUT YOUR HANDKERCHIEFS
BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO
TELL YOU A VERY SAD STORY.
AFTER LONG DESPERATE
YEARS OF SEARCHING,
I FINALLY FOUND A
GIRL WHOM I LOVE
AND WHO WANTS TO MARRY
ME AND WHO LOOKS LIKE THIS.
BUT SHE CAN'T MARRY ME UNTIL
HER OLDER SISTER GETS MARRIED,
AND HER OLDER
SISTER LOOKS LIKE THIS.
AND NOW YOU KNOW WHY
THIS IS SUCH A SAD STORY.
YES, I'VE GOT A
PROBLEM, ALL RIGHT.
SO I DECIDED TO GO TO
MY FATHER FOR ADVICE.
NOW, DAD MAY NOT BE THE
WISEST MAN IN THE WORLD.
IN FACT, THERE ARE SOME WHO
SAY THAT WHAT HE IS IS THE DUMBEST,
BUT HE IS HARD-HEADED AND
PERSISTENT AND STUBBORN
AND HE DOESN'T KNOW THE
MEANING OF THE WORD QUIT.
- SON, THE WAY TO
SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM
IS TO FIND A HUSBAND
FOR THIS OLDER SISTER,
AND HAVING MET DR. BURKHART,
I NOW KNOW THE MEANING
OF THE WORD QUIT.
- DAD, CAN'T YOU GIVE
US ANY SUGGESTIONS?
- SURE. SEND HER UP TO ALASKA.
UP THERE, THE MEN
OUTNUMBER THE WOMEN 10 TO 1
AND POSSIBLY, SHE
CAN FIND SOME GUY
WHO FIGURES SHE CAN
KEEP THE BLUBBER BOILING
AND STILL LOOK BETTER
THAN A POLAR BEAR AND...
NO OFFENSE.
- NO OFFENSE, MR. GILLIS.
I KNOW IMOGENE DOESN'T DO
MUCH TO MAKE HERSELF ATTRACTIVE.
- YEAH. IF SHE'D DONE ANY LESS,
SHE'D COME IN SECOND
TO THE POLAR BEAR.
- OH, SWELL.
- MR. GILLIS!
- OH, THAT'S NOT...
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
BUT WHERE ARE WE GONNA
FIND ANYBODY THAT BACKWARD,
LAMEBRAINED, MUDDLEHEADED?
- YOU RANG?
- MAYNARD, HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE TO MARRY A RATHER AGING
BUT HARD-WORKING LADY?
- HERBERT!
- YOU'RE RIGHT, WINNIE.
I WOULDN'T WISH EITHER OF THEM
ON ANYBODY, EVEN EACH OTHER.
- BLESS YOUR LITTLE OLD HEART,
MR. G., WHEREVER IT MAY BE.
- AND THANK YOU, MAYNARD,
WHATEVER YOU MAY BE.
- LOOK, YOU'RE
APPROACHING THIS ALL WRONG.
WE DON'T HAVE TO FIND
A FELLA FOR IMOGENE.
SHE ALREADY HAS ONE.
THE QUESTION IS
GETTING HIM TO PROPOSE.
- SHE'S ALREADY GOT A FELLA?
- WELL, WHY DIDN'T
YOU SAY SO? WHO IS HE?
- SOME NEARSIGHTED
FELLA WITH BAD EYES.
- HIS NAME IS CLINTON HARDWELL.
HE'S A CERTIFIED
PUBLIC ACCOUNTANT,
AND HE CALLS ON HER
EVERY OTHER FRIDAY
AND SATURDAY NIGHT.
- WHY, THAT'S MARVELOUS.
YOU SEE, THERE ISN'T
ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
IT'S JUST THAT THESE CERTIFIED
PUBLIC ACCOUNTANTS TAKE
A LITTLE LONGER TO WORK
UP THE NERVE TO PROPOSE.
HOW LONG HAVE THEY
BEEN GOING TOGETHER?
- 12 YEARS.
- ALL RIGHT.
SO IT TAKES THESE CERTIFIED
PUBLIC ACCOUNTANTS A LOT LONGER
TO WORK UP THE NERVE TO PROPOSE.
- WELL, CLINT IS
THE SETTLED TYPE.
- 12 YEARS?
HE AIN'T SETTLED,
HE'S COLLAPSED.
- NOW, JUST A MINUTE.
IF THIS MR. HARDWELL HAS BEEN
KEEPING COMPANY WITH IMOGENE
FOR 12 YEARS, HE
MUST ADMIRE HER.
- OH, HE DOES. THEY'RE
THE BEST OF FRIENDS.
- I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TO DO.
WE'LL WAKE UP THIS MR. HARDWELL
TO WHAT HE'S MISSING.
WE'LL SHOW HIM THAT
UNDERNEATH THE PRIM,
COOL EXTERIOR OF
DR. IMOGENE BURKHART,
THERE LIES THE HEART
AND SOUL OF A WOMAN.
- DR. BURKHART? OH, COME NOW.
- TO DO THIS, WE WILL
PUT HER IN THE HANDS
OF A PERFECTLY SOPHISTICATED
WOMAN OF THE WORLD:
A WOMAN WHO IS WELL-VERSED
IN THE WAYS OF LOVE
AND COURTSHIP,
A WOMAN WHO IS
PRACTICAL AND REALISTIC
AND STILL AT THE SAME
TIME, SENSITIVE AND GENTLE
AND, WELL, UTTERLY,
UTTERLY FEMININE.
- WELL, IF THERE'S NO ONE
HERE MAN ENOUGH TO PLUNGE IN,
I'LL ASK THE QUESTION.
WHERE DO WE FIND SUCH A CHICK?
- I AM TALKING ABOUT ME.
- YOU?
- OH, COME NOW.
- ME.
I WILL SHOW HER HOW TO
BE THE KIND OF A WOMAN
THAT MEN DIE FOR.
- YOU?
- OH, COME NOW.
- ME.
AND WHEN THIS MR. HARDWELL
COMES TO TOWN AGAIN,
HE WILL FIND AN ENTIRELY
DIFFERENT WOMAN.
- I GOT IT, MRS. G., YOU!
- MY FOLKS ARE THE
GREATEST AMERICANS
SINCE CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS.
OH, SURE, I GET MAD AT THEM
ON CERTAIN RARE OCCASIONS
LIKE WHENEVER I'M WITH
THEM FOR MORE THAN THREE
OR FOUR MINUTES AT A TIME.
BUT WHEN THE CHIPS ARE DOWN,
THEY REALLY COME THROUGH.
JUST TO HELP ME
MARRY MY NANCY SUE,
THEY THREW ALL THEIR INGENUITY
AND EXPERIENCE INTO THE PROJECT
OF GETTING HER OLDER
SISTER A PROPOSAL
FROM HER RELUCTANT BOYFRIEND,
AND THEY DIDN'T WASTE A SECOND.
THAT AFTERNOON,
DR. BURKHART CAME
INTO THE STORE TO SHOP,
AND DAD LED INTO THE
SUBJECT WITH ALL THE FINESSE
AND SUBTLETY AT HIS COMMAND.
- WELL, THAT'S IT, THREE
POUNDS OF ONIONS,
A POUND OF COFFEE AND
TWO BUNCHES OF RADISHES,
AND HOW COME A WOMAN YOUR
AGE IS STILL HACKING AROUND SINGLE?
- HERBERT!
- MR. GILLIS.
- JUST JOKING,
LADIES, JUST JOKING.
LAUGH-A-MINUTE
GILLIS, THEY CALL ME.
- WITH THAT KIND
OF TALK, MR. GILLIS,
WHAT YOU'LL GET EVERY MINUTE
IS A HIT IN THE HEAD.
- YEAH. BUT GETTING
ON THE SQUARE, DOC,
I'VE BEEN THINKING
A LOT ABOUT IT.
NOW, HOW COME A CLASSY
CHICK LIKE YOU AIN'T MARRIED,
I SAYS TO MYSELF.
- NOT THAT IT'S ANY OF
YOUR BUSINESS, MR. GILLIS,
BUT THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I SAYS TO MYSELF.
- NO.
- YES.
- WELL, THEN,
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
JUST DO LIKE WE TELL YOU, AND
YOU'LL HOOK SOME POOR FISH
QUICKER THAN YOU CAN
SAY COMMUNITY PROPERTY.
- DR. BURKHART, WHAT MY
HUSBAND, IN HIS OWN STRANGE WAY,
IS TRYING TO SAY
IS THAT WE'VE KNOW
YOU FOR A LONG TIME
AND WE'RE VERY FOND OF
YOU, AND WE BELIEVE THAT...
WELL, FORGIVE ME, DEAR,
BUT WE HONESTLY BELIEVE
THAT YOU'RE A FAR
MORE ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
THAN YOU APPEAR TO BE.
- YOU'D HAVE TO BE.
- I SEE.
- WELL, NATURALLY,
AN ALICE FAYE OR A GAIL
PATRICK YOU WILL NEVER BE,
BUT THERE'S NO LAW SAYS YOU
HAVE TO KEEP WALKING AROUND
BEING THE MESS YOU ARE NOW.
- THANK YOU, MR. GILLIS.
- ANYTIME.
- HERBERT.
- WELL, JUST GIVE US A CHANCE
TO CLEAN AWAY THE DEBRIS,
AND I GUARANTEE YOU THAT
ANY CREEP THAT SEES YOU
AND DON'T PROPOSE OUGHT
TO HAVE HIS HEAD EXAMINED.
- THANK YOU FOR YOUR
INTEREST AND CONCERN,
MR. GILLIS AND MRS. GILLIS,
AND IT SO HAPPENS
THAT THERE IS A CREEP
WHO OUGHT TO HAVE
HIS HEAD EXAMINED.
- YEAH, WE HEARD ALL ABOUT
THAT CERTIFIED PUBLIC...
- HERBERT.
DR. BURKHART, WHAT
WERE YOU GOING TO SAY?
- I WAS GOING TO SAY THAT
THIS WHOLE THING IS OBVIOUSLY
A PUT-UP JOB TO TRY
AND GET ME MARRIED,
AND YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME
BECAUSE I'M PERFECTLY HAPPY
WITH THE WAY THINGS ARE NOW.
- YES. YES. BUT...
- STIMULATING THE BRAINS OF
SLEEPY, UNWILLING STUDENTS
BY DAY...
- OF COURSE, BUT...
- DECIPHERING THEIR
EXAMINATION PAPERS
BY NIGHT.
- NATURALLY. BUT...
- I READ, I WATCH
TELEVISION, I KNIT SWEATERS,
I PLAY BRIDGE WITH THE GIRLS.
IT'S A RICH, FULL,
SATISFYING LIFE.
- FINE, BUT...
- OH, YES.
AND THERE'S ONE MORE THING.
- WHAT?
- EVERY WORD I JUST
SAID WAS A BIG FAT LIE.
I DESPISE BEING SINGLE,
AND MRS. GILLIS, WHEN
DO WE START REDOING ME?
I CAN'T WAIT TO GET THAT
BACKWARD OAF TO PROPOSE.
- I KNEW IT.
- SO MOM SET OUT TO TURN
DR. BURKHART, B.A., M.S., PH.D.
INTO IMOGENE
BURKHART M-A-R-R-I-E-D.
THAT SPELLS MARRIED
IN CASE YOU'RE IN MAYNARD'S
INTELLIGENCE BRACKET.
NOW, HERE'S HOW
DR. BURKHART USED TO LOOK.
PRETTY SPOOKY, HUH?
BUT WAIT TILL YOU SEE THE
WAY MOM TRANSFORMED HER.
- I FEEL LIKE
SOMEBODY'S BACK YARD
AFTER A HEAVY RAIN.
- RELAX, DR. BURKHART.
THIS MUDPACK'S GOING
TO MAKE YOU BEAUTIFUL.
- I WISH IT'D HURRY UP AND WORK.
I FEEL LIKE THE
BRIDE OF DRACULA.
- HEY, WINNIE,
HERE'S THEM DRESSES
YOU WANTED ME TO PICK UP. AH!
GET ME A CLUB, I'LL BEAT IT
TO DEATH BEFORE IT BITES YOU.
- HERBERT, LEAVE HER ALONE.
MR. HARDWELL WILL BE
HERE IN A COUPLE OF HOURS
AND SHE HAS TO BE READY.
- YEAH. THAT'S WHY I CAME OVER.
I WANT TO FIND OUT IF YOU
GOT THE RIGHT STRATEGY
FOR LANDING THIS FLOUNDER.
- HERBERT, EVERYTHING'S BEEN
TAKEN CARE OF, SO PLEASE...
- YEAH, I KNOW, BUT
WHAT ABOUT THE WALK?
DOC, WHAT ABOUT THE WALK?
YOU GOT THE WALK THAT'S
GONNA DRIVE HIM MAD?
- MR. GILLIS, I REALIZE THAT
MY MAN-CATCHING CAREER
IS STILL IN ITS
INFANCY, BUT WALK?
THAT I CAN DO.
- NO OFFENSE, DOC,
BUT I MEAN WALK LIKE
A PANTHER WOMAN
OR SOMETHING,
NOT THAT GRAPE CRUSHER'S POLKA
YOU GO CLOMPING AROUND WITH.
- MR. GILLIS.
- NOW, LOOK, IT'S GOT TO
BE... PLUG YOUR EARS, WINNIE.
IT'S GOT TO BE S-E-X-Y,
SEXY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
- HONESTLY, HERBERT.
- LIKE THIS, DOC.
LIKE YOU GOT A CROP
OF HAY ON ONE HIP
AND A CROP OF
ALFALFA ON THE OTHER
AND WHEN YOU START MOVING,
YOU START ROTATING THE CROPS.
- HEY, MRS. G., I... WHOA!
PARDON ME, MADAM, I
DIDN'T KNOW I WAS BURSTING
INTO A LADY'S BOUDOIR.
- MAYNARD, COME BACK HERE.
- OH, IT'S YOU, MR. G.
- YEAH. IT'S ME, MR. G.
- CARE TO DANCE?
- NEVER MIND.
- MRS. G., I BRUNG THE LIPSTICKS
AND PERFUMES AND MAKE-UPS
FOR DR. B. FROM THE DRUG STORE.
OOH, WHAT YOU MUST HAVE
SAID TO THE WITCH DOCTOR.
- NEVER MIND AND GO AWAY.
- YES. CLEAR OUT,
BOTH OF YOU MEN.
DR. BURKHART HAS TO
TRY ON THESE DRESSES,
AND WE HAVE TO SELECT THE ONE
THAT WILL BE THE MOST
APPEALING TO MR. HARDWELL.
- HOW ABOUT SOMETHING
WITH A BELT IN THE BACK,
TWO PAIRS OF
PANTS. THEY'RE NICE.
- OUT, MAYNARD, OUT.
- WITH A DERBY HAT.
- WE HAVE LESS THAN TWO HOURS
TO GET IMOGENE INTO A SHAPE
THAT WILL MAKE THAT
CERTIFIED PUBLIC ACCOUNTANT...
- SIT UP AND TAKE
ACCOUNT OF HIMSELF?
- YES, SHE DOES LOOK
BEAUTIFUL, DOESN'T SHE?
- GOLLY, BEAUTIFUL
ISN'T THE WORD FOR IT.
- TRY UGLY.
- YOU KNOW SOMETHING, DOC?
IF YOU WAS TO SHOW UP
AT THE BISON LODGE HALL
LOOKING LIKE THAT,
I GUARANTEE YOU
THAT HALF THE GUYS AT THE POOL
AND PINOCHLE TABLES WOULD GET UP
JUST TO GIVE YOU THE DOUBLE O.
- I'M SCARED.
DO YOU THINK CLINTON'S
GOING TO LIKE THIS?
- DEAR, I WOULDN'T BE
SURPRISED IF HE PROPOSES TO YOU
THE MINUTE HE SEES YOU.
- I WOULD.
- IMOGENE, JUST REMEMBER
THE THINGS WE'VE TOLD YOU.
KEEP THE ROOM NICE AND DARK.
- YEAH, AND KEEP A LOT
OF SOFT ROMANTIC MUSIC
GOING ON THE RECORD PLAYER.
- AND ACT SOPHISTICATED,
REMOTE AND MYSTERIOUS.
- SPEAK TO CLINTON
IN A LOW, SEXY VOICE.
- AND IF HE STILL DON'T
MAKE A GRAB FOR YOU,
PACK HIM IN, HE'S DEAD.
- I JUST HOPE THAT
HE LIKES ME THIS WAY.
- HE'LL LOVE YOU.
THERE'S NOTHING TO
BE NERVOUS ABOUT.
- OH, I'M NOT NERVOUS,
I'M CERFECTLY PALM...
PERFECTLY CALM AND RELAXED
ABOUT THE WHOLE THING.
I MEAN, AFTER ALL...
[DOORBELL RINGS]
AH! IT'S HIM. IT'S
CLINTON. HE'S HERE!
OH, DEAR, HOW DO I LOOK?
DO I LOOK ALL RIGHT? DO
YOU THINK HE'LL LIKE ME?
[DOORBELL RINGS] OH, DEAR.
- JUST LET HIM IN.
EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.
- AND IF YOU NEED US,
WE'LL BE IN THE NEXT ROOM,
SORT OF, SHALL WE SAY OBSERVING?
- SHALL WE SAY SNOOPING?
- HELLO THERE, CLINTON.
- MISS IMOGENE, DO
YOU HAVE A COLD?
YOU SOUND LIKE A CASE OF
THE EYE, EAR, NOSE, AND THROAT.
- OH, NO. NO. I'M FINE.
- GOOD GIRL.
- HOW HAVE YOU
BEEN, CLINTON, DEAR?
- IN EXCELLENT
CONDITION, THANK YOU.
- GOOD. GOOD.
CLINTON, DO YOU LIKE
THE DRESS I'M WEARING?
- YES. IT'S QUITE INTERESTING.
AND THE COWBOY HEELS
MAKE YOU LOOK NICE AND TALL.
- THANK YOU.
BUT DIDN'T YOU FORGET
TO PUT ON YOUR SHIRT?
- I WITHDRAW THE THANK-YOU.
CLINTON, DO YOU NOTICE ANYTHING
DIFFERENT ABOUT THE ROOM?
- YES.
IT'S TERRIBLY DARK,
VERY BAD FOR THE EYES.
THERE.
NOW... IS THAT NOT
AN IMPROVEMENT?
- OH, BOY.
- MISS IMOGENE, WHERE
WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO
THIS EVENING? I JUST
FINISHED THE INVENTORY
FOR THE AMALGAMATED
GLAMIS COMPANY,
AND I THOUGHT WE MIGHT
CELEBRATE WITH AN EVENING
OF, WELL, SHALL WE SAY, MADNESS.
- LET'S SAY MADNESS.
THAT SOUNDS
DIVINE, CLINTON DEAR.
I HEAR THEY HAVE A
MARVELOUS BOSSA NOVA BAND
AT THE PEABODY ROOF.
- WELL, I WAS THINKING
MORE ON THE ORDER
OF A THOUGHT-PROVOKING
LECTURE ON CAPITAL GAINS
BY THE STATE TAX DEPARTMENT
AT CIVIC AUDITORIUM,
OR PERHAPS A DEMONSTRATION
OF TABULATING COMPUTERS
AT THE COLLEGE.
THEY BOTH SOUND
FASCINATING, DON'T THEY?
- THAT'S THE WORD, FASCINATING.
ON SECOND THOUGHT, CLINT,
WHY DON'T WE JUST STAY
HERE FOR THE EVENING,
JUST THE TWO OF US...
- WELL...
- ALONE, WITH NO
ONE ELSE AROUND.
HOW DOES THAT SOUND?
- WELL, NOT BAD.
NO, NOT BAD AT ALL.
WE'LL STAY HERE AND WORK
UP OUR OWN EXCITEMENT.
- EXACTLY.
- RIGHT. SWITCH
ON THE TELEVISION.
"THE LATE LATE
SHOW" IS FEATURING
AN ALL PETER LAWFORD FESTIVAL.
- ALL RIGHT, SO
DR. BURKHART'S FIRST SHOT
AT TRAPPING THE ELUSIVE
MR. CLINTON HARDWELL
WAS NOT EXACTLY
A HOWLING SUCCESS.
BUT IT WAS A WORTHWHILE
ATTEMPT, AN HONEST EFFORT,
A GOOD COLLEGE TRY.
- A FIASCO.
- YEAH. THEM FIASCOS
ARE THE GREATEST.
I MEAN, WHEN IT COMES
TO MAKING LITTLE CARS,
YOU JUST CAN'T
BEAT THEM ITALIANS.
- MR. HARDWELL WILL BE
BACK AGAIN TONIGHT, WON'T HE?
- OH, SURE. SURE.
HE CALLS ON ME EVERY
FRIDAY AND SATURDAY NIGHT
JUST AS REGULAR
AS DEATH AND TAXES,
BUT IT WILL BE JUST
THE SAME AS LAST NIGHT
AND EVERY OTHER NIGHT
FOR THE LAST 12 YEARS.
NO MATTER WHAT I DO,
HE JUST DOESN'T LOOK ON
ME AS A DESIRABLE WOMAN.
- OH, DON'T FEEL TOO BAD, DR. B.
HE PROBABLY WOULDN'T
HAVE LOOKED ON ME
AS A DESIRABLE WOMAN NEITHER.
- WELL, WE CAN'T GIVE UP NOW.
LOOK AT THE MARVELOUS MIRACLE
THAT WE ACCOMPLISHED LAST NIGHT.
- RIGHT, DR. B. YOU WERE
LIKE ANOTHER WOMAN.
I MEAN, I COULD HAVE
GONE FOR YOU MYSELF
IF I WAS ANOTHER MAN
WHICH I'M NOT, YOU KNOW.
- MAYNARD, EITHER
MAKE SENSE OR CLAM UP
AND YOU JUST GAVE ME
AN IDEA, A GREAT IDEA!
- YOU, A GREAT IDEA? LIKE, HA!
- ANOTHER MAN.
THAT'S IT! OH, AM I
GLAD I THOUGHT OF IT.
WHY, THERE IS NOTHING
WILL MAKE A MAN SIT UP
AND PAY ATTENTION
LIKE FINDING OUT
THAT THERE'S ANOTHER
MAN IN A WOMAN'S LIFE.
- YES, OF COURSE! JEALOUSY!
HE'LL SING A DIFFERENT TUNE
WHEN WE COMES FACE TO FACE
WITH THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER.
- YOU RANG?
OF COURSE, ONLY ONE
OF MY EYES IS GREEN,
THE OTHER TWO IS VERMILLION.
- I'M AFRAID THERE IS NO
OTHER MAN IN MY LIFE, MR. GILLIS,
CONFOUND THE LUCK,
AND CLINTON KNOWS IT.
- THEN WE'LL INVENT ONE.
- NO. NO.
A MAKE-BELIEVE BOYFRIEND
WILL NEVER WORK.
CLINTON'S A HARDHEAD,
HE ONLY BELIEVES
WHAT HE CAN SEE.
- SO WE'LL UN-HARD HIS HEAD
AND MAKE IT SEE SOMETHING.
- HERBERT, YOU MEAN...
- YOU BET I MEAN.
WE WILL HIRE SOME BIG
HANDSOME, GOOD-LOOKING BRUTE
TO CHARGE IN ON DOC HERE
WHEN THAT PENCIL PUSHER IS THERE
AND GRAB HER AND HUG HER
AND SQUEEZE HER AND KISS HER.
OH, HE WILL GO FOR THAT, HUH?
- I DON'T KNOW ABOUT
HIM, BUT I SURE WILL.
- AND HER A TEACHER,
NOTHING'S THE SAME
SINCE THE GREAT WAR.
- MR. GILLIS, WHERE ARE WE
GOING TO FIND SUCH A MAN?
I MEAN, WE CAN'T EXPECT HIM TO
JUST WALK THROUGH THAT DOOR
BY JUST SAYING ABRACADABRA.
- ABRACADABRA.
- OH, HI, CASIMIR.
- ABRACADABRA.
HERB, I'VE WAVED MY
MAGIC WAND AT THE COWS
AND COME UP WITH
AN EXCELLENT VINTAGE
OF FINE BOTTLED MILK.
HOW MANY QUARTS SHOULD I LEAVE?
- 30 OUGHT TO DO IT,
AND WHILE YOU'RE THERE
TAKE A LOOK AT THE SOUR CREAM
AND THE BUTTERMILK, WILL YOU?
AND ALSO THE COTTAGE CHEESE.
DOC, I THINK THAT WE
OUGHT TO BE ABLE TO COME UP
WITH THE RIGHT FELLA
IF WE'RE WILLING TO
PART WITH ABOUT 20 BUCKS.
- MAKE THAT 25 BUCKS
AND I'M THE RIGHT FELLA.
- BUT, CASIMIR, YOU DON'T
KNOW WHAT YOU'D HAVE TO DO.
- MRS. GILLIS, FOR 25 BUCKS,
I WOULD KISS A POLAR BEAR.
- THAT'S OUR MAN.
- HERBERT.
- YOU BETTER HOLD
OUT FOR MORE LOOT.
THE WOMAN THEY WANT YOU
TO KISS IS A WOMAN NAMED...
- MR. KREBS.
- NO. NOT MR. KREBS, IT'S...
- MAYNARD, THERE
WILL BE NO NAMES.
- OKAY, CASIMIR. WE GOT A DEAL?
- NOW, JUST A DARN
MINUTE, MR. GILLIS.
I HAVE...
MY FRIEND HASN'T
SAID YES TO THIS.
- THAT'S TRUE,
HERBERT, SHE HASN'T.
- AND SHE HASN'T SAID NO EITHER.
OKAY, HOW ABOUT
A SIMPLE YES OR NO?
- A SIMPLE YES.
- THAT'S MY GIRL.
- AFTER ALL, WHAT
HAVE I GOT TO LOSE?
- AT HER AGE? NOTHING.
- IT'S A DEAL, MR. GILLIS,
AND LET THE DEVIL
TAKE THE HINDMOST.
- OKAY, CASIMIR.
NOW, HERE'S THE DEAL.
TONIGHT AT 8:30 SHARP,
I WANT YOU GO TO OUT TO
A DR. BURKHART'S HOUSE.
I'LL GIVE YOU THE
ADDRESS LATER, SEE.
AND I WANT YOU
TO RUN IN AND YELL,
"IMOGENE, MY LOVED ONE, I
AM DYING OF UNREQUITED LOVE
AND FRUSTRATION AND
ALL ON ACCOUNT OF YOU!"
- YEAH, THAT'S
WHEN THE BOYFRIEND
BELTS YOU RIGHT IN THE MOUTH.
- HUH?
NOW, HOLD IT, HERB. I JUST
WANT TO MAKE 25 BUCKS.
- OH, NO. NO. NO. IT'LL
NEVER COME TO THAT.
IT'S JUST A LITTLE SCHEME TO
GET HER BOYFRIEND TO PROPOSE.
NOW, GO AHEAD, CASIMIR.
SHOW US HOW
YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT.
- YES, AND DO IT GOOD,
25 DOLLARS GOOD,
'CAUSE I'M GONNA BE OUTSIDE
WATCHING YOU EVERY MINUTE.
- ME TOO. I LOVE TO EAVESDRIP.
- THAT'S EAVESDROP
AND OH, NO, YOU DON'T,
BECAUSE I'M GOING TO
WHAP ANYBODY THAT I CATCH
GETTING NOSEY.
ALL RIGHT, CASIMIR, GO AHEAD.
- RIGHT.
NOW, FOR 25 BUCKS, LEAVE
US ASSUME YOU'RE IMOGENE.
IMOGENE, MY LOVED ONE,
I, CASIMIR H. PROHOSKY, JR.
AM DYING OF UNREQUITED...
- CASIMIR H. PROHOSKY?
- CASIMIR H. PROHOSKY, JR.
WHERE ELSE YOU GONNA FIND
ONE OF THEM WHEN YOU NEED ONE?
- MAYNARD, PLEASE. ALL
RIGHT, MR. PROHOSKY.
GO AHEAD AND SHOW US
HOW YOU'RE GOING TO...
CASIMIR H. PROHOSKY, JR.?
- CASIMIR H. PROHOSKY, JR.?
- RIGHT.
HE'S A FINE, HARD-WORKING
MAN, HE'S IN THE DAIRY GAME,
BUT HE HAS A VIOLENT TEMPER,
AND HE'S INSANELY JEALOUS.
I'M SO AFRAID THAT HE'S GOING
TO COME BURSTING IN HERE
AND DO SOMETHING DESPERATE
NOW THAT I REJECTED HIS OFFER
OF MARRIAGE FOR THE
17th, OR IS IT THE 18th TIME?
OH, CLINTON, I AM JUST
FRIGHTENED TO DEATH
OF WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN.
CLINTON, YOU'VE GOT
TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO.
WHAT SHALL I DO? HELP ME.
- CASIMIR H. PROHOSKY, JR.?
- OH, IT ISN'T MYSELF
I FEAR FOR, IT'S YOU.
THERE'S JUST NO
TELLING WHAT HE MIGHT DO
IF HE FINDS YOU HERE.
HE LOOKS ON ME AS A
SORT OF GODDESS, YOU SEE.
- CASIMIR H. PROHOSKY, JR.?
- DOBIE, LEAVE THEM ALONE.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR MOTHER
SAID ABOUT EAVESDROPPING.
- YES. WE SHOULDN'T DO IT.
- TRUE.
- IT'S UNMANNERLY AND
IMPOLITE AND SHAMEFUL.
- SO WHY ARE STANDING
HERE? LET'S GET BACK TO IT.
[PHONE RINGS]
- HELLO?
WHO?
CASIMIR H. PROHOSKY, JR.?
- MR. PROHOSKY?
WHY ISN'T HE HERE?
HELLO, MR. PROHOSKY,
THIS IS DOBIE GILLIS.
WE'RE WAITING... WHAT?
THE TRANSMISSION
FELL OUT OF YOUR CAR?
BUT THIS IS A MATTER
OF LIFE OR DEATH TO DR...
OH.
OH, YOU WERE UNDER THE CAR
WHEN THE TRANSMISSION FELL
OUT OF THE CAR?
OH, WELL, GOLLY. HUH?
OH, NO. NO. FORGET
IT, MR. PROHOSKY.
SOMEHOW ARRIVING IN AN AMBULANCE
DOESN'T SEEM EXACTLY RIGHT.
THANKS ANYHOW. SO LONG.
AH, DARN THE LUCK.
THAT PROHOSKY.
CAN YOU IMAGINE BACKING OUT
JUST BECAUSE A
TRANSMISSION FALLS ON YOU?
- POOR IMOGENE. SHE'LL
NEVER GET CLINTON NOW.
HE WON'T EVER BELIEVE HER AGAIN.
- YEAH. DARN THE LUCK.
JUST BECAUSE ONE CHICKEN-HEARTED
MILKMAN GETS CHICKEN-HEARTED,
WE'RE ALL DOOMED.
OR ARE WE?
- MISS IMOGENE, THE
COMPUTER DEMONSTRATION
STARTS IN HALF AN HOUR.
NOW, WE DON'T WANT
TO MISS A SINGLE,
COMPLETE MATHEMATICAL
CYCLE, DO WE?
- I'D DIE FIRST.
BUT LET'S WAIT A FEW
MORE MINUTES, SHALL WE?
- FOR WHAT?
- FOR, UH, OR, UM...
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- FOR THAT?
- WHAT?
- I MEAN... OH, DEAR, I DO
HOPE THAT ISN'T CASIMIR,
MY INSANELY JEALOUS SUITOR,
THE DAIRY KING, REMEMBER?
- WELL, LET'S NOT
TAKE ANY CHANCES.
WE'LL GO OUT THE BACK WAY.
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
AFTER ALL THE
TROUBLE WE WENT TO?
- HUH?
- I MEAN, AFTER ALL THE
TROUBLE WE WENT TO
TO ARRANGE THIS
PLEASANT EVENING.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- I'D BETTER SEE WHO THAT IS.
MAYBE IT'S A WRONG NUMBER.
CASIMIR, I BEGGED
YOU NOT TO... CASIMIR?
- YES, IMOGENE,
MY FAIR MILKMAID.
IT IS I, CASIMIR
H. PROHOSKY, JR.,
YOUR ONE TRUE LOVE.
- HOW DO YOU DO?
- I... OH, CASIMIR.
I BEGGED YOU NOT TO COME HERE.
YOUR INSANE JEALOUSY
WILL DESTROY US ALL.
- YES, MY BELOVED ONE.
I AM DYING OF UNREQUITED
LOVE AND FRUSTRATION
ON ACCOUNT OF YOU.
- BY GEORGE, THERE
IS ANOTHER MAN.
HE ISN'T MUCH, BUT HE IS A MAN.
- RIGHT. RIGHT.
SIR, THE NAME IS
PROHOSKY, CASIMIR H.
- MISS IMOGENE, IT OCCURS
TO ME THAT IF THIS GENTLEMAN
IS SO INTRIGUED WITH YOU,
PERHAPS I'VE BEEN MISSING
SOMETHING ALL THESE YEARS.
- TRUE. TRUE.
- TRUE. TRUE.
IMOGENE, MY BELOVED ONE, I
AM DYING OF UNREQUITED LOVE
AND FRUSTRATION
ON ACCOUNT OF YOU.
- IMOGENE, MY LOVED ONE,
ME, CASIMIR H. PROHOSKY, JR.,
AM DYING OF UNREQUITED
LOVE AND FRUSTRATION
ALL ON ACCOUNT OF YOU.
- YOU'RE CASIMIR H.
PROHOSKY, JR. TOO?
- YOU BET YOUR
BOOTS I AM. IMOGENE, I...
- AND YOU ARE CASIMIR
H. PROHOSKY, JR.?
- WELL, YOU SEE, SIR...
- IMOGENE, MY DARLING, I'M
DYING OF UNREQUESTED LOVE
AND PROSTRATION
ON ACCOUNT OF YOU.
- DON'T TELL ME, YOU'RE
CASIMIR H. PROHOSKY, JR.
- I AM?
- YOU ARE.
- I ARE.
OH, HI, MR. G. LIKE HI, DOBE
G. LIKE BYE, EVERYBODY.
- IMOGENE, MY BELOVED
ONE... OH, EXCUSE ME, FRIENDS.
I, CASIMIR H. PROHOSKY,
JR., AM DYING OF...
- OF UNREQUITED LOVE AND
FRUSTRATION ON ACCOUNT OF HER.
- THANKS, MAC. I,
CASIMIR H. PROHOSKY, JR.,
AM DYING OF UNREQUITED
LOVE AND FRUSTRATION.
- MISS IMOGENE, I DON'T
WANT TO APPEAR SUSPICIOUS,
BUT I HAVE THE ODDEST FEELING
THAT SOMETHING VERY PECULIAR
IS GOING ON HERE.
- WHY WOULD YOU
SAY A THING LIKE THAT?
- I THINK AN
EXPLANATION IS COMING.
- WELL, LET'S HAVE IT.
AND THIS IS ALL
VERY EASY TO... NO.
IT ISN'T EASY. IT
ISN'T EASY AT ALL.
- I MEAN TO GET TO
THE BOTTOM OF THIS,
OR MY NAME ISN'T
CASIMIR H. PRO...
CLINTON J. HARDWELL.
NOW, HOW IS IT THAT
YOU'RE ALL NAMED
CASIMIR H. PROHOSKY, JR.?
- GOOD QUESTION.
- AND I DEMAND A GOOD ANSWER.
- ANY VOLUNTEERS?
- MR. HARDWELL,
WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT
IF I TOLD YOU THAT
CASIMIR H. PROHOSKY, JR.
IS A VERY COMMON NAME
IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD?
- NO.
- WOULD YOU BELIEVE
IT IF I TOLD YOU?
AND NATURALLY, YOU WOULDN'T.
NOBODY'S THAT FOOLISH.
- OH, LOOK, MR. GILLIS,
DOBIE, MAYNARD,
I APPRECIATE WHAT
YOU'RE TRYING TO DO,
BUT WE HAVE BEEN CAUGHT.
SO LET'S JUST GIVE UP AND...
- HOLD THE PHONE.
HOLD THE PHONE.
YOU MEAN THIS IS THE
CHICK YOU PAID ME 25 BUCKS
TO PLAY UP TO?
- YEP.
- WELL, KEEP YOUR DOUGH.
THIS I DO FOR NOTHING.
- NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
- I MEAN, THAT HAIR,
THEM EYES, THAT BUILD.
- PLEASE, MR. PROHOSKY.
- THEM LEGS AND
TEETH, THAT SKIN.
- PLEASE, MR. PROHOSKY, GO ON!
- PUT THEM ALL
TOGETHER, DOC, AND...
- THEY SPELL MOTHER!
- THEY SPELL WHAT ARE YOU
DOING LATER TONIGHT, KID?
THEY GOT A HOT BOSSA NOVA
BAND AT THE PEABODY ROOF.
- I'D LOVE TO.
- MISS IMOGENE, HE
HASN'T EVEN ASKED YOU.
- HE WILL.
- YOU BET I'M ASKING.
- I'M ACCEPTING.
- MISS IMOGENE, WHAT ABOUT
THE DEMONSTRATION TICKETS?
THEY'RE ALL PAID FOR.
- I'M SORRY, CLINTON, BUT
IT'S A LITTLE TOO LITTLE,
AND MUCH TOO LATE.
BESIDES, I'VE NEVER
DANCED THE BOSSA NOVA
WITH ANYONE NAMED
CASIMIR H. PROHOSKY.
- JUNIOR.
- WELL, SON, WE GOT HER A FELLA.
- AND A LIVE ONE.
- WELL, I NEVER.
- WELL, I NEVER EITHER.
- HEY, DOBE, YOU WANT
TO GO DOWNTOWN WITH ME
AND WATCH THEM PAINT WHITE LINES
DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET?
- NO THANKS, MAYNARD.
- OH, THEY AIN'T PAINTING
REGULAR WHITE LINES THIS TIME,
THEY'RE PAINTING GREEN LINES.
- MAYNARD.
- AND IT'S REAL EASY TO DO.
YOU SEE, WHAT THEY DO IS
LET AN ICE CREAM TRUCK LOOSE
WITH THE PISTACHIO TANK LEAKING.
- MAYNARD, I DEEPLY APPRECIATE
YOUR EFFORT TO INCLUDE ME
IN YOUR HIGH-BROW
CULTURAL RECREATION.
- MON PLEASURE, MONSIEUR.
- BUT I HAVE A DATE
WITH NANCY SUE,
MY INTENDED.
- YOUR INTENDED?
YOU AIN'T NEVER
GONNA MARRY HER, DOBE,
UNTIL HER SISTER GETS MARRIED,
WHICH IS PROBABLY NEVER,
EVEN LONGER.
- THAT'S HOW MUCH
YOU KNOW ABOUT IT.
DR. BURKHART HAS BLOSSOMED INTO
ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR WOMEN
IN HER AGE BRACKET.
NOW SHE CAN GET A
MAN JUST LIKE THAT.
- AND THAT'S HOW
SHE DUMPS THEM TOO,
JUST LIKE THAT.
- WELL, WHAT ABOUT
MR. PROHOSKY, THE MILKMAN?
- SHE DUMPED HIM
FOR SIMON LEBUSH,
THE USED CAR SALESMAN.
- WELL, WHAT ABOUT HIM?
- HIM SHE DUMPED
FOR ARMANDO SCAMPI,
THE SAXOPHONE PLAYER,
OR WAS IT THE DENTIST,
SHELDON ELLENBOGEN, DDS.
- NANCY SUE, YOU MEAN...
- I MEAN NOW THAT SHE'S SUCH
A SMASH WITH ALL THE MEN,
SHE'S DECIDED TO PLAY THE FIELD.
- BUT THAT MEANS SHE WON'T
GET MARRIED FOR YEARS.
- TRUE.
AFTER ALL THIS TIME, SHE'S
SOWING HER WILD OATS.
- SHE BETTER HURRY
BECAUSE WHEN YOU
REACH SEPTEMBER,
THE WILD OATS DWINDLE
DOWN TO THE PRECIOUS FEW.
- AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING, DOBIE?
- YEAH, WHAT, MY BELOVED?
- I THINK SHE'S GOT
THE RIGHT IDEA.
- UH-OH, DOBE, HERE IT COMES.
- MAYNARD, PLEASE. NANCY
SUE, DON'T MAKE JOKES.
YOU LOVE ME AND I LOVE YOU.
- NOT SO FAST, DOBIE. I'M
NOT SO SURE ANYMORE.
- YEP. THIS IS IT,
DOBE, JUST WATCH.
- MAYNARD, BUTT OUT.
NANCY SUE, YOU'RE KIDDING,
OF COURSE, AREN'T YOU?
- YOU'RE A NICE
BOY AND ALL THAT,
BUT I THINK I NEED
TIME TO LOOK AROUND,
SO GOODBYE.
- BINGO, THAT WAS IT.
- READY, LITTLE SISTER?
I'VE GOT A COUPLE OF
LIVE ONES LINED UP FOR US
AT THE PEABODY ROOF.
WE'RE GOING DANCING.
NO OFFENSE, DOBIE.
- BUT NANCY SUE, WHAT ABOUT US?
WHAT ABOUT...
- OH, CHEER UP, GOOD
BUDDY. YOU STILL GOT ME.
- I'M AFRAID SO, MAYNARD.
- Both: I'M AFRAID SO.