The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 4, Episode 32 - I Was a Spy for the F.O.B. - full transcript
- I CAN SCARCELY
BELIEVE IT, MY DARLING.
A FEW SHORT HOURS AGO
I WAS BORED AND UNHAPPY
AND LIFE HAD NO MEANING,
AND THEN SUDDENLY, AS
IF BY MAGIC, YOU APPEARED
AND I WAS ALIVE AGAIN.
AND NOW THIS, AN
EXOTIC HOTEL SUITE
IN THE MOST EXCITING
CITY IN THE WORLD,
A MAGNIFICENT SUPPER,
DRINKS ICED TO PERFECTION,
AND THE ENCHANTING PROSPECT
OF AN UNFORGETTABLE EVENING
WITH ONE OF THE MOST
FASCINATING MINDS OF OUR TIME.
TELL ME, MY SWEET, WHAT
MORE COULD ANYONE WANT?
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,
BUT I WANT SOME MORE ROOT BEER.
[BELL RINGS]
- YES, SIR. RIGHT
AWAY, SIR. YES, SIR.
[JAZZ THEME]
- WHAT GOES ON HERE, YOU ASK?
YOU'LL NEVER
BELIEVE IT, I ANSWER.
I MEAN, THIS IS MY
FRIEND MAYNARD G. KREBS,
ABOUT WHOSE FACE HIS OWN
MOTHER HAS BEEN HEARD TO COMMENT,
"NO COMMENT," AND
HE IS ROMANCING A LADY
ABOUT WHOM MANY MEN
HAVE BEEN HEARD TO COMMENT.
[MUSIC]
WELL, IT ALL STARTED IN A
DECEPTIVELY SIMPLE WAY.
ONE DAY MY FATHER
DECIDED TO TAKE ME AND MOM
ON A SIGHTSEEING TRIP
TO WASHINGTON D.C.
WE DIDN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT
TAKING MAYNARD ALONG,
UNTIL HE CAME UP WITH A
RATHER PROVOCATIVE STATEMENT.
- IF YOU DON'T TAKE ME
ALONG, I'LL KILL MYSELF.
- SO THERE WE WERE IN WASHINGTON
AND MAYNARD WAS STILL ALIVE,
AND DAD WAS TRYING DESPERATELY
TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
- COME ON, LET'S GET OUR
KEY AND GO UP TO THE ROOM.
MOM AND DAD ARE
GONNA MEET US THERE
AFTER THEY'RE FINISHED
THEIR SIGHTSEEING TOUR.
- GLORIOSKI, WHAT COULD
THEY BE SIGHTSEEING
OUT HERE IN WASHINGTON?
IT SEEMS TO BE LIKE A PLACE
WHERE NOTHING
SPINE-TINGLING EVER HAPPENS.
- THE SPOOKY-LOOKING ONE
WITH THE FOOLISH
EXPRESSION AND THE BEARD,
YOU WILL ATTRACT HIM
WITH YOUR FEMININE WILES
AND LURE HIM TO HIS DOOM.
- BRUNO, YOU ARE SURE THAT
HE'S DR. HENRY FAHRENHEIT,
THE FAMOUS ROCKET
SCIENTIST THAT WE SEEK?
- OF COURSE.
- HE LOOKS SO, SHALL
WE SAY UNINTELLIGENT?
- SHALL WE SAY STUPID?
- Both: WE SHALL SAY STUPID.
- HE'S WHAT THEY CALL
AN ECCENTRIC GENIUS.
- WELL, THEY HAVE TO
CALL HIM SOMETHING.
- YES, IN THAT CHILDISH HEAD
THERE IS A BRAIN
THAT HAS DEVELOPED
A SUPERB NEW ROCKET FUEL.
WE SHALL SQUEEZE
THE SECRET OUT OF HIM.
- BRUNO, YOU ARE A FIEND.
- THANK YOU.
AH, WHEN I THINK OF THE
MONEY AND THE GREAT GLORY
THAT WILL BE OURS WHEN
WE PRESENT THE SECRET
TO OUR LEADERS.
WELL, ACCORDING TO THE NOTES,
DR. FAHRENHEIT WAS
DUE HERE AT THE HOTEL
FROM THE NATIONAL
ROCKET CONFERENCE AT 5:00.
- HE COULD BE THE MAN.
- HE IS BEARDED,
SHABBY, UNKEMPT.
- HE COULD BE THE MAN.
- HE IS USUALLY
ACCOMPANIED BY AN ASSISTANT
WHO LOOKS LIKE A DISH
OF WARMED OVER YOGURT.
- HE IS THE MAN.
- GET DR. FAHRENHEIT.
YOU ARE IRRESISTIBLE TO MEN
OF ALL AGES, SIZES, AND SHAPES.
YOU OUGHT TO FIT
IN THERE SOMEPLACE.
- NEVER FEAR, BRUNO.
I SHALL DUMP THE ASSISTANT
AND DELIVER TO YOU
THE SCIENTIST'S BODY AND SOUL.
THE BRAIN MAY BE
MORE OF A PROBLEM.
- HEY, DOBE, DID YOU EVER FIGURE
I'D HAVE ONE OF THE GREAT MINDS
OF THE NORTH AMERICAN CONTINENT?
- TO PUT IT AS DELICATELY
AS POSSIBLE, MAYNARD, NO.
- WELL, I COULDN'T BE TOO DUMB,
BECAUSE I KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO
IN EXACTLY FIVE SECONDS.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
- YOU'RE GONNA LIGHT
UP LIKE A LAMP AND SAY,
WELL, WELL, WELL, HOW
DO YOU DO, MY DEAR.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S THE SILLIEST
THING I... WELL, WELL, WELL,
HOW DO YOU DO, MY DEAR?
- I REST MY CASE.
- OH, FORGIVE ME.
OH, YOU WILL FORGIVE
ME, WON'T YOU,
YOU DEAR, SWEET,
FASCINATING MAN?
- WAS YOU ADDRESSING I, SIR?
- SIR?
- WELL, YOU'RE FORGAVE
ON ACCOUNT OF YOU CAN'T HELP IT
IF YOU'RE CLUMSY, YOU CLUMSY OX.
- MAYNARD.
- NO OFFENSE, CLUMSY OX.
- ALLOW ME, LOVELY LADY.
- HANDS OFF ME,
OR I WILL CALL A COP.
IF I DAMAGED YOUR
BEAUTIFUL SUIT,
I INSIST YOU ALLOW
ME TO PAY FOR IT.
I'M VERONICA VANDERHEIM.
- CHARMÉ, MADEMOISELLE.
I AM DOBIE GILLIS, UNATTACHED
WASHINGTON BACHELOR
AND MAN ABOUT TOWN.
- HELLO. AND YOU, YOU
DEVASTATING CREATURE,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
TELL ME WHO YOU ARE.
- GOOD, BECAUSE I WASN'T
GONNA TELL YOU ANYHOW.
- THE FAMOUS
DR. HENRY FAHRENHEIT
IS KNOWN BY EVERYBODY IN
WASHINGTON, BUT EVERYBODY.
- NOT THIS EVERYBODY.
- DR. FAHRENHEIT?
THE DR. FAHRENHEIT FROM THE
ROCKETS AND SPACE CAPSULES?
- BUT OF COURSE.
HOW THRILLING IT IS
TO MEET YOU, DOCTOR.
I AM ABSOLUTELY OVERWHELMED.
- WELL, YOU BETTER GET
OVER BEING WHELMED,
BECAUSE YOU'RE BARKING
UP THE WRONG TREE.
- YOU UNDERSTAND THE
DOCTOR'S RELUCTANCE
TO ADMIT HIS TRUE IDENTITY.
IT'S BECAUSE OF THIS HUSH-HUSH
SECRET GOVERNMENT PROJECT
HE'S WORKING ON.
- GOODNESS.
- YEAH, GOODNESS.
- TUT-TUT, MY DEAR.
ONE CANNOT EXPECT A LOVELY
CREATURE LIKE YOURSELF
TO KNOW OF SUCH
INTELLECTUAL MATTERS.
HOWEVER, I AM HIS
TRUSTED ASSISTANT,
AND THE ENTIRE FASCINATING
SUBJECT CAN BE EXPLAINED AT,
SHALL WE SAY, DINNER?
- WONDERFUL, I CAN
HARDLY WAIT UNTIL DINNER.
- GOOD. GOOD.
- JUST YOU AND I ALONE.
- BAD BAD. MY DEAR
MISS VANDERHEIM,
DR. FAHRENHEIT'S NOT ALLOWED
TO GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT ME,
HIS TRUSTED ASSISTANT,
FOR PROTECTION AGAINST
UNSCRUPULOUS SPIES, YOU SEE?
- I SEE.
- GOOD. GOOD.
THEN PERHAPS YOU AND I COULD...
- I SHALL HAVE DINNER
WITH THE TWO OF YOU.
GOOD GOOD?
- FAIR FAIR, BUT I ACCEPT.
- VERY WELL, I SHALL MEET
YOU HERE IN THE LOBBY AT 6:00.
DOCTOR, WHAT IS THE
NUMBER OF YOUR ROOM
IN CASE I WANT TO CALL YOU?
- I DON'T REMEMBER. I GOT
A BAD HEAD FOR NUMBERS.
- YEAH, ROOM 720. THE
DOCTOR'S A TERRIBLE KIDDER.
YOU KNOW HOW THESE GENIUSES ARE.
- NO, HOW ARE THEY?
- COME, DOCTOR, WE MUST
HURRY AND PREPARE YOUR LECTURE
ON EINSTEIN'S
THEORY OF RELATIVITY.
- RELATIVITY WHO?
- UNTIL 6:00 THEN, MY
CHARMING MADEMOISELLE,
AND THE MINUTES
WILL SEEM LIKE HOURS.
- THE NUT WITH A BEARD, DID
YOU GET A GOOD LOOK AT HIM?
- GOT HIM.
- DID YOU GET A GOOD
LOOK AT THE OTHER ONE?
- GOT HIM.
- YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO?
- GET THEM.
- YOU GOT THEM, DOBE.
ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD,
THAT'S WHAT YOU GOT.
- SURE, I TOLD THAT GORGEOUS
CREATURE A FEW SMALL LIES,
BUT I SIMPLY HAD TO MEET HER,
AND LYING WAS THE ONLY WAY.
- OKAY, DOBE.
- JUST LEAVE IT TO MY
CHARM AND PERSONALITY.
- WE'RE IN BIG TROUBLE, DOBE.
- NOW CUT THAT OUT!
BESIDES, YOU'RE NOT
INVOLVED IN THIS AT ALL.
I'M RESPONSIBLE.
I STARTED THE WHOLE
THING AND I FOLLOWED IT UP.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
I'M ABSOLUTELY THE ONLY
PERSON RESPONSIBLE.
- WHICH ONE OF YOU PICKED
UP THAT GIRL IN THE LOBBY?
- HE'S RESPONSIBLE.
- ME? OH, COME NOW.
- PLEASE, SIR. DON'T
BE TOO HARD ON HIM,
HE DIDN'T KNOW SHE
WAS YOUR GIRLFRIEND,
AND BESIDES, HE CAN'T HELP IT
IF HE'S FASCINATING TO WOMEN.
- ME? OH, COME NOW.
- AT EASE, BOTH OF YOU.
SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND.
- I'M GLAD.
- SHE'S A DANGEROUS ENEMY SPY
WHO WOULD KILL A MAN
AS SOON AS LOOK AT HIM.
- WHEW, I'M LEAVING.
- NOT SO FAST.
I'M WITH THE UNITED
STATES GOVERNMENT.
- OH, HELP, DOBE. I'M
GONNA BE DRAFTED AGAIN.
- THE GOVERNMENT
ISN'T THAT DESPERATE.
A.F. BOTTOMLY, SPECIAL
UNDERCOVER AGENT.
- MAYNARD G. KREBS,
CAPTAIN KANGAROO FAN CLUB.
- VERONICA VANDERHEIM
MISTOOK YOU FOR DR. FAHRENHEIT,
THE FINEST SCIENTIFIC
MIND OF THE 20th CENTURY.
- A NATURAL MISTOOK.
- YOU KEEP THAT DATE YOU
MADE WITH HER FOR TONIGHT
AND YOU MAY LEAD US
TO THE REST OF THAT
DANGEROUS
INTERNATIONAL SPY RING.
- LIKE, BYE.
- KREBS,
IT'S YOUR DUTY AS A CITIZEN.
I'M SURE YOU'LL
CHANGE YOUR MIND.
- WANNA BET?
- MAYNARD, I'M ASHAMED.
- YOU'RE ASHAMED. I'M YELLOW.
- THEN YOU WON'T DO IT?
- GOOD THINKING, I WON'T DO IT.
- LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY.
YOU'LL GET 20 YEARS
FOR IMPERSONATING A GOVERNMENT
OFFICIAL IF YOU DON'T DO IT.
- LET ME PUT IT
THIS WAY, I'LL DO IT.
- YOU BET HE WILL DO IT.
HE WILL EITHER
TELL US THE FORMULA
FOR THE SUPER ROCKET FUEL OR...
- POOR DR. FAHRENHEIT. HE
HAS SUCH AN INNOCENT FACE.
RIDICULOUS, BUT INNOCENT.
- NEVER MIND THE SYMPATHY.
TO BE A PERFECT SPY
YOU MUST BE LIKE ME,
HARD AS ROCK, STRONG
AS STEEL, TOUGH AS NAILS.
[PHONE RINGS]
MOTHER McGINTY'S HOMEMADE
PIES, MOTHER McGINTY SPEAKING.
A PERFECT FRONT.
OH, YES, SIR. YES, SIR.
ALL RIGHT, CHIEF.
WE'RE LEAVING FOR
THE HOTEL RIGHT NOW.
VERONICA... YES, SHE'S
THE WELL-BUILT ONE...
HAS A DATE FOR DINNER
TONIGHT WITH DR. FAHRENHEIT.
HIS ASSISTANT INSISTED
ON COMING ALONG,
BUT WE CAN GET RID OF HIM THE
MOMENT THEY ENTER THE TAXICAB.
ALL RIGHT, CHIEF.
WE'LL MEET YOU IN THE
HOTEL LOBBY IN 30 MINUTES.
RIGHT, CHIEF.
THAT WAS THE CHIEF.
- I'M ALREADY WEARING
MY WORKING CLOTHES.
- GOOD. GOOD.
- THE CHIEF CAN SQUEEZE
INFORMATION OUT OF A STONE.
I ALMOST FEEL SORRY
FOR POOR DR. FAHRENHEIT.
- YES, I WOULD SAY THAT THE GOOD
DOCTOR'S DAYS ARE NUMBERED.
- NUMBERS? OH, I KNOW
ALL ABOUT NUMBERS
EXCEPT THEM THAT
COME AFTER THREE.
[PHONE RINGS]
- IT'S HER, SHE'S IN THE
LOBBY. IT'S TOO LATE.
- NOT FOR ME, IT AIN'T.
- ANSWER THE PHONE, KREBS.
INVITE HER UP HERE FOR DINNER.
- DO I HAVE TO?
- 20 YEARS IN JAIL.
- I HAVE TO. LIKE, HI,
THIS IS DR., UH, DR., UH...
- FAHRENHEIT.
- THANK YOU. AND I
DIDN'T EVEN SNEEZE.
- DR. FAHRENHEIT.
- DR. FAHRENHEIT.
- NO. NO. TELL HER YOU'RE
DR. FAHRENHEIT, DUMMY.
- YOU'RE DR. FAHRENHEIT, DUMMY.
- DR. FAHRENHEIT, DARLING,
YOU SOUND SO STRANGE,
IS SOMETHING WRONG?
OH, GOOD, NOTHING IS WRONG.
YOU'LL BE FINE AS SOON AS
THOSE MEN STOP KICKING YOU.
MEN, WHAT MEN?
SOMETHING IS ROTTEN IN DENMARK.
- WE DON'T HANDLE OUT OF TOWN
CASES, JUST GET HIM DOWN HERE.
- YES, SIR.
DOCTOR, I'M WAITING FOR YOU.
ARE YOU READY FOR DINNER?
WHAT?
COME UP TO YOUR ROOM FOR DINNER?
HMM, HE MAY NOT BE AS
BACKWARD AS HE LOOKS.
- YEAH, I ALREADY
ORDERED A BIG FAT DINNER.
YEAH, YEAH, TWO BIG FAT DINNERS,
AND WE PROBABLY CAN DIG UP
SOMETHING FOR YOU TO EAT TOO.
- GET UP TO HIS ROOM
BEFORE HE GETS SUSPICIOUS.
ONCE THERE, YOU CAN SLIP
THIS POWDER INTO HIS DRINK.
THEN WE CAN DRAG HIM
OFF TO OUR HEADQUARTERS
LIKE A SACK OF FLOUR.
- GOOD.
I AM COMING RIGHT
UP, DOCTOR HONEY,
AND I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU.
YOU ARE SUCH AN EXCITING MAN.
- ME? OH, COME NOW. BYE.
- ATTABOY, MAYNARD, YOU
DID IT. YOU REALLY DID IT.
- NATURALLY, FOR I'M
MAYNARD G. KREBS.
- BUT IT WAS THE MESSIEST, MOST
BOTCHED-UP JOB I'VE EVER SEEN.
- NATURALLY, FOR
I'M MAYNARD G...
- YEAH, I THINK IT'S KREBS.
- YEAH, KREBS.
- KREBS, YEAH.
- KREBS, IF SHE SUGGESTS
YOU DRINK A TOAST, BEWARE.
SHE MAY SLIP SOMETHING INTO
YOUR DRINK THAT WILL KNOCK YOU OUT.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- NOW, MAYNARD, JUST RELAX
AND LOOK ON THIS AS AN EVENING
IN WHICH YOU ARE ENTERTAINING
A CHARMING, BEAUTIFUL,
ENTRANCING YOUNG CREATURE.
- GOTCHA.
- UH-HUH.
- LIKE WELCOME, CHARMING,
BEAUTIFUL, ENTRANCING
YOUNG CREATURE.
- WELL, DON'T JUST
STAND THERE, KISS ME.
MAYNARD.
- HELLO, DOBIE.
- HI, MOM, DAD.
WE WERE EXPECTING SOMEONE ELSE.
- DOGGONE IT, AND I
THOUGHT YOU DECIDED
THAT I MAY BE PRETTY CUTE.
- I MAY BE PRETTY SICK.
- MOM, DAD, YOU'VE GOT
TO GET OUT OF HERE QUICK.
- DOBIE, YOU'RE ACTING
VERY STRANGELY.
- YEAH, VERY STRANGELY.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE.
LOOK, I CAN'T EXPLAIN NOW,
BUT PLEASE LEAVE US
ALONE HERE BEFORE...
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF I TOLD
YOU THAT A GIRL'S COMING UP HERE
FOR AN INTIMATE CANDLELIGHT
DINNER WITH MAYNARD?
- OH, COME NOW.
THE VERY THOUGHT OF SOME
GIRL GOING FOR MAYNARD
IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS.
- I'LL BUY THAT.
- NOW, HERBERT, DON'T
JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS.
STRANGER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED.
I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT,
BUT ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE.
- CERTAINLY, WHAT
KIND OF A KOOKY GIRL
WOULD BE COMING UP
HERE TO VISIT MAYNARD?
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- HELLO, DARLING.
OH, I COULD HARDLY
COUNT THE MINUTES.
- ANY MORE QUESTIONS?
- WELL...
- VAVOOM.
- SEE, DAD? SEE, MOM?
BYE, DAD. BYE, MOM. BYE. BYE.
- I HAVE SOMETHING FOR
YOU, MY FASCINATING ONE.
- ANYTHING FOR THE
SCIENTIST'S LOYAL ASSISTANT?
- YES, THIS.
- ROOM SERVICE IS
SENDING THE DINNERS UP.
THEY SHOULD BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
- HOW ROMANTIC.
- WELL, DON'T TRY FILCHING
NONE OF MINE, WALDO,
'CAUSE I GOT A VERY
SUSPICIOUS STOMACH.
- COME, MY FASCINATING ONE.
SIT HERE BESIDE ME.
ALL MY LIFE I HAVE WANTED
TO MEET A MAN LIKE YOU.
- YES, I AM QUITE MANLY.
- A MAN WITH A BRAIN LIKE YOURS.
- YES, MY BRAIN IS
QUITE MANLY TOO.
- DOCTOR, DON'T TELL ME
YOU ARE AFRAID OF WOMEN.
- OKAY, I WON'T
TELL YOU, BUT I AM.
- WHAT A PITY.
- YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING?
- WHAT, MY SWEET?
- WITH A LITTLE BIT OF HELP,
I THINK I COULD LEARN NOT
TO BE AFRAID OF WOMEN.
- MUST WE STAY HERE, MY ANGEL?
LET US GO TO AN INTIMATE LITTLE
CAFÉ WHERE WE CAN BE ALONE.
- WELL, IT'S OKAY WITH ME,
BUT THEM OTHER FELLAS...
- I'M SORRY, BUT
DR. FAHRENHEIT CAN'T LEAVE.
HE'S EXPECTING A VERY IMPORTANT
PHONE CALL FROM THE PRESIDENT.
- THE PRESIDENT? GLORIOSKI!
I WONDER HOW MR. HOOVER
KNEW I WAS IN TOWN.
WHAT AN AGE WE LIVE IN.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- ROOM SERVICE.
- JUST PUT IT...
- WHERE? WHERE, SIR?
JUST NAME IT AND YOU'VE GOT IT.
WE HOTEL EMPLOYEES ARE ALWAYS
EAGER TO EMPLOY PLEASINGLY.
- YEAH, ANYWHERE,
ANYWHERE. JUST PUT IT...
- THANK YOU, SIR.
- YEAH.
MOM, WHAT'S GOING ON?
- WE'RE GOING TO KEEP
AN EYE ON MAYNARD.
- BUT, MOM...
- OH, WE'RE NOT
GOING TO INTERFERE
WITH HIS ROMANCE
OR WHATEVER IT IS,
BUT I DON'T TRUST THAT... THAT
GORGEOUS HUNK OF WOMAN.
- WHY NOT? YOU
DON'T EVEN KNOW HER.
- AS YOU GROW OLDER, DEAR,
YOU WILL LEARN THAT
THE AVERAGE FEMALE
AUTOMATICALLY DOESN'T TRUST
ANY GORGEOUS HUNK OF WOMAN...
AH-AH-AH, THERE,
LET'S NOT BE SITTING
QUITE SO CLOSE TOGETHER NOW.
BREAK IT UP NOW.
RULE OF THE HOTEL.
- HERE YOU ARE,
MADEMOISELLE AND MONSIEUR.
- OH, THANK YOU, MY GOOD MAN.
HEY, DON'T I KNOW
YOU FROM SOMEPLACE?
I MEAN, YOU...
- NO. NO. NO. NO.
YOU NEVER SAW THIS
WAITER BEFORE IN YOUR LIFE.
HERE, HERE, EAT,
DRINK, AND BE MERRY.
- I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK.
- THANK YOU, WAITER
AND WAITRESS.
YOU'VE BEEN MOST HELPFUL,
AND YOU MAY LEAVE
WHENEVER YOU'RE READY,
LIKE, IMMEDIATELY.
- OH, THANK YOU, SIR,
BUT I AM A PERFECTIONIST,
AND I AM GOING TO STAY TO
MAKE SURE EVERYTHING'S OKAY.
- DOBE, YOU SURE I DON'T KNOW
THAT WAITER FROM SOMEPLACE?
- THAT IDIOT WILL
RUIN EVERYTHING.
- WHICH IDIOT?
IN THAT ROOM
YOU'VE GOT A CHOICE.
- WOULD YOU LIGHT
THIS CIGARETTE, PLEASE?
- OH, IT AIN'T NECESSARY.
I DON'T SMOKE.
- NO, LAMB, IT IS FOR ME.
- OH, HERE.
NOW, WHERE WERE WE, MY LOVE?
- OH, I JUST LIT YOUR
CIGARETTE, I MEAN, YOUR MATCH.
I MEAN, LIKE, HELP.
I MEAN, LIKE, HELP! LIKE, HELP!
- WHOA! OH, YOU CLUMSY FOOL!
I DEMAND YOU CALL THE MANAGER
AND HAVE THESE NINCOMPOOPS
DISCHARGED AT ONCE.
- YOU NINCOMPOOPS
ARE GONNA BE DISCH...
HEY, DON'T I KNOW YOU TWO?
YEAH, I KNOW THE
BOTH OF YOU. YOU ARE...
- OF COURSE NOT, MAYNARD.
COME, MY LOYAL WORKERS,
LET US GO INTO THE NEXT ROOM
WHERE WE WILL DISCUSS THE
LARGE TIP YOU'RE GONNA GET.
- NOW, JUST A
COTTON-PICKIN' MINUTE.
- MOM, DAD, YOU DON'T
KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING,
AND IN THIS ROOM I DON'T
KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
- DOBIE, DEAR, DO YOU REALIZE
WHAT TERRIBLE TROUBLE
MAYNARD IS GETTING HIMSELF INTO?
- I KNOW, BUT YOU DON'T.
- WELL, I KNOW ONE THING.
ANY TIME A DOLL LIKE THAT GOES
FOR A SCHNOOK LIKE MAYNARD,
SHE HAS TO BE AFTER HIS MONEY.
MAYNARD'S MONEY?
- IT'S BLACKMAIL!
SHE'LL LURE HIM INTO BLACKMAIL.
- NO. NO. YOU'VE
GOT THIS ALL WRONG.
- OH, PLEASE, DEAR, I KNOW
ALL ABOUT THESE THINGS.
I WATCH THE RERUNS OF
"RACKET SQUAD" EVERY MORNING.
- SHE'S RIGHT.
SHE'S JUST SOFTENING HIM
UP SO HER NO-GOOD PALS
CAN SHOW UP WITH THE
CAMERAS AND THE MICROPHONES
AND THE TAPE RECORDERS
AND THEN THE BOSS
OF THE NO-GOOD PALS
CAN SHOW UP HIMSELF IN PERSON.
- BLACKMAILER!
GET OUT FROM UNDER THERE, YOU!
GET OUT FROM UNDER THERE!
GET OUT FROM UNDER THERE!
- YOU DIRTY RATS, PREYING
ON AN INNOCENT BOY.
- NO, DAD. THEY'RE
GOVERNMENT AGENTS.
- OH, GOVERNMENT
AGENTS, MY FOOT.
THEY'RE A COUPLE
OF DIRTY CROOKS.
- YOUR SON IS RIGHT,
MR. GILLIS. PIPE DOWN AND LISTEN.
- I AIN'T PIPING
DOWN FOR NOBODY.
- TURN UP THE VOLUME ON
THE TAPE RECORDER AND LISTEN!
- THEY ARE ALL GONE, MY TIGER.
COME, LET ME TAKE YOU AWAY
FROM HERE TO THE LITTLE CAFÉ
I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT.
- TELL ME AGAIN ABOUT THE FOOD.
DO THEY MAKE A GOOD
CHOCOLATE SUNDAE?
- SHE'S TRYING TO
SNEAK HIM OUT OF HERE.
WE'VE GOT TO FOLLOW THEM!
- OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
- NOT SO FAST, YOU SCAMP!
- YOU'RE DARN-TOOTIN'.
WE'RE HOLDING YOU HERE TILL
WE GET THE HOUSE DETECTIVE.
- OUT OF THE WAY, GILLIS,
THIS IS A FEDERAL OFFENSE.
- I KNOW IT'S A FEDERAL OFFENSE,
AND I'M GOING TO SEE THAT THE
FBI CLOBBERS YOU SCUMS GOOD.
- DAD! MOM!
- WE SHALL CATCH
A CAB DOWNSTAIRS
AND BE THERE IN A FEW
MINUTES. YOU WILL LOVE IT.
- BUT DOBE, THAT'S MR. GILLIS,
MY TRUSTED ASSISTANT, SAID
I SHOULDN'T LEAVE,
AND HE'S VERY SMART.
- SAYS WHO?
- SAYS HIM.
EVERYBODY ELSE SAYS HE'S STUPID.
- THEN COME ALONG.
- NO. I CAN'T. HE'S STUPID,
BUT I PROMISED HIM I WOULDN'T
LEAVE AND MY HEAD'S MADE UP.
- VERY WELL THEN. WE SHALL STAY.
- LIKE, GOOD.
- AND WE SHALL DRINK A TOAST.
- OH, YEAH?
YOU WOULDN'T TRY TO
SLIP SOMETHING IN MY DRINK
TO KNOCK ME OUT, WOULD YOU?
- OH, DOCTOR, YOU
ARE SO AMUSING.
- WELL, DON'T TRY TO AMUSE ME
WITH SOME KNOCKOUT POWDER,
'CAUSE I'M WATCHING
YOU LIKE A HAWK.
- OF COURSE YOU ARE, MY DARLING.
- AND I'M A PRETTY SMART COOKIE.
I'M PRETTY SHREWD IN THE
HEAD, SO DON'T TRY NOTHING.
- I WOULDN'T THINK
OF IT, MY PEACH.
- THAT'S BETTER. BE SMART.
- LOOK, DR. FAHRENHEIT.
IS THAT NOT THE
FIRST ROBIN OF SPRING?
- WHERE? WHERE? WHERE?
- I WAS MISTAKEN.
- OR WAS IT A FIENDISH TRICK,
'CAUSE IF IT WAS, IT
FAILED MISERABLY,
BECAUSE MAYNARD G. KREBS
AIN'T NO MAN'S FOOL,
OR WOMAN'S EITHER.
- LET US A DRINK A TOAST TO
THAT, MY FASCINATING SCIENTIST.
- YEAH, LEAVE US.
OH, HARK, ISN'T THAT THE
SECOND ROBIN OF SPRING?
- OH, DOCTOR. I'M AFRAID
YOU ARE MISTAKEN.
- YEAH, I GOOFED. NO OFFENSE.
LET US DRINK A TOAST TO
YOU, MY HANDSOME SIREN.
- HARK!
- HUH?
- PERHAPS IT WAS THE
SECOND ROBIN OF SPRING.
- WHERE? WHERE? WHERE?
- OH, IT HAS FLOWN AWAY.
- HEY, WE BETTER WATCH OUT,
OR WE'RE GONNA BE UP
TO OUR ELBOWS IN ROBINS.
UH-OH, THERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
- BEHOLD, THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.
- AH.
WANT TO GIVE UP
AND ADMIT I'M MORE
CLEVER THAN YOU ARE?
- OF COURSE, MY BRILLIANT
ONE. YOU ARE ASTOUNDING.
- TRUE.
- WHAT ARE YOU WAITING
FOR, DR. SNOOKUMS?
LET US TOAST.
- FOOLED YOU, DIDN'T I?
DIDN'T I?
AH, YOU HAVE TO GET UP
EVERY MORNING EARLY IN THE A.M.
TO OUTSHREW
DR. MAYNARD G. GESUNDHEIT.
- THERE HE IS, CHIEF.
- SO THIS IS THE
FAMOUS DR. FAHRENHEIT?
TO LOOK AT HIM YOU WOULD THINK
HE'S NOTHING BUT A
BACKWARD, LAME-BRAINED,
ADDLEPATED NITWIT.
- YOU RANG?
- I'M WARNING YOU, YOU'RE
OBSTRUCTING JUSTICE.
- YOU MAKE A BUM MOVE
AND I'LL OBSTRUCT YOU.
DOBIE, HAVEN'T YOU GOT
THAT HOUSE DETECTIVE YET?
- NOT YET, DAD.
DAD, HERE'S THE HOTEL BILL.
I THINK THEY'RE TRYING
TO OVERCHARGE US.
- WHAT? WHAT? OVERCHARGE
ME? LET'S SEE THAT.
- HEY!
- HERBERT! HERBERT!
MAYNARD'S BLACKMAILERS
ARE GETTING AWAY!
- OH, FORGET MAYNARD.
THE HOTEL IS TRYING
TO BLACKMAIL ME.
LOOK AT THIS.
$27.80 FOR A PETRIFIED
CHESAPEAKE OYSTER.
- THE DOOR!
- AGH!
- CURSES! FOILED AGAIN.
WELL, I'M NOT
LETTING HIM GET AWAY.
- NO. NO, CHIEF. IT'S
TOO DANGEROUS.
- WOULD YOU PREFER TO
RETURN TO THE FATHERLAND,
PERISH FORBID, WITHOUT
DR. FAHRENHEIT'S FORMULA
OR TAKE A CHANCE OF
GETTING CAUGHT HERE
AND SPEND THE NEXT FIVE YEARS
IN A NICE, FEDERAL
PENITENTIARY WITH STEAM HEAT
AND WIDESCREEN MOVIES?
- WE'LL NOT LET HIM
GET AWAY, CHIEF.
- ALL RIGHT! HANDS UP!
NOBODY LEAVES THE
LOBBY OR I SHOOT!
GUARD THE DOORS.
ALL RIGHT, DR. FAHRENHEIT,
WE KNOW ARE YOU ARE
HIDING HERE SOMEPLACE.
COME OUT!
- ALL RIGHT.
THEN WE FIND YOU.
- DR. FAHRENHEIT,
I AM WARNING YOU.
AH! DR. FAHRENHEIT'S ASSISTANTS.
DON'T MOVE, ANY OF YOU.
- PUT THE GUN DOWN,
WE'RE GOVERNMENT AGENTS.
- DR. FAHRENHEIT,
WHERE ARE YOU HIDING?
COME OUT BY THE TIME I COUNT
TO 10, OR I SHOOT YOUR ASSISTANT.
- DON'T LET HIM
SCARE YOU, GILLIS.
- DON'T WORRY. MAYNARD,
COME OUT BEFORE HE SHOOTS ME.
- GILLIS, HE CAN'T
INTIMIDATE YOU.
- WANNA BET?
- ONE, TWO...
- SIR.
- QUIET!
IF YOUR FRIEND
REALLY CARES FOR YOU,
HE'D COME OUT BY
THE TIME I COUNT TO 10.
THREE...
- HE CARES FOR ME ALL RIGHT,
BUT HE GETS MIXED UP PAST THREE.
- FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT
AH!
- AH!
- AH!
[SCREAM]
- SO YOU DIDN'T GET
MAYNARD AFTER ALL.
- MAYNARD? YOU MEAN
THAT COMICAL-LOOKING OAF
WAS NOT DR. FAHRENHEIT?
- OF COURSE NOT.
HE'S MY FRIEND,
MAYNARD G. KREBS.
- THE WRONG MAN.
WE'RE TRYING TO
CATCH THE WRONG MAN.
YOU ARE LAME-BRAINED,
BACKWARD, MUTTON-HEADED CREEP.
- YOU RANG?
- WELL, MAYNARD, YOU DID IT.
- YEAH, AND THEY
SAID I COULDN'T.
GOODBYE, YOU DIRTY OLD SPIES.
YOU GOT TO GET UP PRETTY
EARLY IN THE MORNING
TO FOOL MAYNARD G., UH...
- WELL, ARE WE ALL SET?
WE GOT ALL OUR MEMENTOS
OF WASHINGTON COLLECTED?
- YES. I HAVE THIS WONDERFUL
BOOK OF THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL,
AND ALL THESE MAPS
OF MOUNT VERNON.
- AND I GOT SOME
BEAUTIFUL PIMENTOS.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S MEMENTOS,
AND WHAT HAVE YOU GOT IN THERE?
- I GOT THEM FROM
THAT SPY CAT BRUNO.
HE WAS REALLY MOTHER McGINTY
FROM MOTHER McGINTY'S
HOMEMADE PIES.
I GOT TWO APPLE PIES.
BELIEVE IT, MY DARLING.
A FEW SHORT HOURS AGO
I WAS BORED AND UNHAPPY
AND LIFE HAD NO MEANING,
AND THEN SUDDENLY, AS
IF BY MAGIC, YOU APPEARED
AND I WAS ALIVE AGAIN.
AND NOW THIS, AN
EXOTIC HOTEL SUITE
IN THE MOST EXCITING
CITY IN THE WORLD,
A MAGNIFICENT SUPPER,
DRINKS ICED TO PERFECTION,
AND THE ENCHANTING PROSPECT
OF AN UNFORGETTABLE EVENING
WITH ONE OF THE MOST
FASCINATING MINDS OF OUR TIME.
TELL ME, MY SWEET, WHAT
MORE COULD ANYONE WANT?
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,
BUT I WANT SOME MORE ROOT BEER.
[BELL RINGS]
- YES, SIR. RIGHT
AWAY, SIR. YES, SIR.
[JAZZ THEME]
- WHAT GOES ON HERE, YOU ASK?
YOU'LL NEVER
BELIEVE IT, I ANSWER.
I MEAN, THIS IS MY
FRIEND MAYNARD G. KREBS,
ABOUT WHOSE FACE HIS OWN
MOTHER HAS BEEN HEARD TO COMMENT,
"NO COMMENT," AND
HE IS ROMANCING A LADY
ABOUT WHOM MANY MEN
HAVE BEEN HEARD TO COMMENT.
[MUSIC]
WELL, IT ALL STARTED IN A
DECEPTIVELY SIMPLE WAY.
ONE DAY MY FATHER
DECIDED TO TAKE ME AND MOM
ON A SIGHTSEEING TRIP
TO WASHINGTON D.C.
WE DIDN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT
TAKING MAYNARD ALONG,
UNTIL HE CAME UP WITH A
RATHER PROVOCATIVE STATEMENT.
- IF YOU DON'T TAKE ME
ALONG, I'LL KILL MYSELF.
- SO THERE WE WERE IN WASHINGTON
AND MAYNARD WAS STILL ALIVE,
AND DAD WAS TRYING DESPERATELY
TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
- COME ON, LET'S GET OUR
KEY AND GO UP TO THE ROOM.
MOM AND DAD ARE
GONNA MEET US THERE
AFTER THEY'RE FINISHED
THEIR SIGHTSEEING TOUR.
- GLORIOSKI, WHAT COULD
THEY BE SIGHTSEEING
OUT HERE IN WASHINGTON?
IT SEEMS TO BE LIKE A PLACE
WHERE NOTHING
SPINE-TINGLING EVER HAPPENS.
- THE SPOOKY-LOOKING ONE
WITH THE FOOLISH
EXPRESSION AND THE BEARD,
YOU WILL ATTRACT HIM
WITH YOUR FEMININE WILES
AND LURE HIM TO HIS DOOM.
- BRUNO, YOU ARE SURE THAT
HE'S DR. HENRY FAHRENHEIT,
THE FAMOUS ROCKET
SCIENTIST THAT WE SEEK?
- OF COURSE.
- HE LOOKS SO, SHALL
WE SAY UNINTELLIGENT?
- SHALL WE SAY STUPID?
- Both: WE SHALL SAY STUPID.
- HE'S WHAT THEY CALL
AN ECCENTRIC GENIUS.
- WELL, THEY HAVE TO
CALL HIM SOMETHING.
- YES, IN THAT CHILDISH HEAD
THERE IS A BRAIN
THAT HAS DEVELOPED
A SUPERB NEW ROCKET FUEL.
WE SHALL SQUEEZE
THE SECRET OUT OF HIM.
- BRUNO, YOU ARE A FIEND.
- THANK YOU.
AH, WHEN I THINK OF THE
MONEY AND THE GREAT GLORY
THAT WILL BE OURS WHEN
WE PRESENT THE SECRET
TO OUR LEADERS.
WELL, ACCORDING TO THE NOTES,
DR. FAHRENHEIT WAS
DUE HERE AT THE HOTEL
FROM THE NATIONAL
ROCKET CONFERENCE AT 5:00.
- HE COULD BE THE MAN.
- HE IS BEARDED,
SHABBY, UNKEMPT.
- HE COULD BE THE MAN.
- HE IS USUALLY
ACCOMPANIED BY AN ASSISTANT
WHO LOOKS LIKE A DISH
OF WARMED OVER YOGURT.
- HE IS THE MAN.
- GET DR. FAHRENHEIT.
YOU ARE IRRESISTIBLE TO MEN
OF ALL AGES, SIZES, AND SHAPES.
YOU OUGHT TO FIT
IN THERE SOMEPLACE.
- NEVER FEAR, BRUNO.
I SHALL DUMP THE ASSISTANT
AND DELIVER TO YOU
THE SCIENTIST'S BODY AND SOUL.
THE BRAIN MAY BE
MORE OF A PROBLEM.
- HEY, DOBE, DID YOU EVER FIGURE
I'D HAVE ONE OF THE GREAT MINDS
OF THE NORTH AMERICAN CONTINENT?
- TO PUT IT AS DELICATELY
AS POSSIBLE, MAYNARD, NO.
- WELL, I COULDN'T BE TOO DUMB,
BECAUSE I KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO
IN EXACTLY FIVE SECONDS.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
- YOU'RE GONNA LIGHT
UP LIKE A LAMP AND SAY,
WELL, WELL, WELL, HOW
DO YOU DO, MY DEAR.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S THE SILLIEST
THING I... WELL, WELL, WELL,
HOW DO YOU DO, MY DEAR?
- I REST MY CASE.
- OH, FORGIVE ME.
OH, YOU WILL FORGIVE
ME, WON'T YOU,
YOU DEAR, SWEET,
FASCINATING MAN?
- WAS YOU ADDRESSING I, SIR?
- SIR?
- WELL, YOU'RE FORGAVE
ON ACCOUNT OF YOU CAN'T HELP IT
IF YOU'RE CLUMSY, YOU CLUMSY OX.
- MAYNARD.
- NO OFFENSE, CLUMSY OX.
- ALLOW ME, LOVELY LADY.
- HANDS OFF ME,
OR I WILL CALL A COP.
IF I DAMAGED YOUR
BEAUTIFUL SUIT,
I INSIST YOU ALLOW
ME TO PAY FOR IT.
I'M VERONICA VANDERHEIM.
- CHARMÉ, MADEMOISELLE.
I AM DOBIE GILLIS, UNATTACHED
WASHINGTON BACHELOR
AND MAN ABOUT TOWN.
- HELLO. AND YOU, YOU
DEVASTATING CREATURE,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
TELL ME WHO YOU ARE.
- GOOD, BECAUSE I WASN'T
GONNA TELL YOU ANYHOW.
- THE FAMOUS
DR. HENRY FAHRENHEIT
IS KNOWN BY EVERYBODY IN
WASHINGTON, BUT EVERYBODY.
- NOT THIS EVERYBODY.
- DR. FAHRENHEIT?
THE DR. FAHRENHEIT FROM THE
ROCKETS AND SPACE CAPSULES?
- BUT OF COURSE.
HOW THRILLING IT IS
TO MEET YOU, DOCTOR.
I AM ABSOLUTELY OVERWHELMED.
- WELL, YOU BETTER GET
OVER BEING WHELMED,
BECAUSE YOU'RE BARKING
UP THE WRONG TREE.
- YOU UNDERSTAND THE
DOCTOR'S RELUCTANCE
TO ADMIT HIS TRUE IDENTITY.
IT'S BECAUSE OF THIS HUSH-HUSH
SECRET GOVERNMENT PROJECT
HE'S WORKING ON.
- GOODNESS.
- YEAH, GOODNESS.
- TUT-TUT, MY DEAR.
ONE CANNOT EXPECT A LOVELY
CREATURE LIKE YOURSELF
TO KNOW OF SUCH
INTELLECTUAL MATTERS.
HOWEVER, I AM HIS
TRUSTED ASSISTANT,
AND THE ENTIRE FASCINATING
SUBJECT CAN BE EXPLAINED AT,
SHALL WE SAY, DINNER?
- WONDERFUL, I CAN
HARDLY WAIT UNTIL DINNER.
- GOOD. GOOD.
- JUST YOU AND I ALONE.
- BAD BAD. MY DEAR
MISS VANDERHEIM,
DR. FAHRENHEIT'S NOT ALLOWED
TO GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT ME,
HIS TRUSTED ASSISTANT,
FOR PROTECTION AGAINST
UNSCRUPULOUS SPIES, YOU SEE?
- I SEE.
- GOOD. GOOD.
THEN PERHAPS YOU AND I COULD...
- I SHALL HAVE DINNER
WITH THE TWO OF YOU.
GOOD GOOD?
- FAIR FAIR, BUT I ACCEPT.
- VERY WELL, I SHALL MEET
YOU HERE IN THE LOBBY AT 6:00.
DOCTOR, WHAT IS THE
NUMBER OF YOUR ROOM
IN CASE I WANT TO CALL YOU?
- I DON'T REMEMBER. I GOT
A BAD HEAD FOR NUMBERS.
- YEAH, ROOM 720. THE
DOCTOR'S A TERRIBLE KIDDER.
YOU KNOW HOW THESE GENIUSES ARE.
- NO, HOW ARE THEY?
- COME, DOCTOR, WE MUST
HURRY AND PREPARE YOUR LECTURE
ON EINSTEIN'S
THEORY OF RELATIVITY.
- RELATIVITY WHO?
- UNTIL 6:00 THEN, MY
CHARMING MADEMOISELLE,
AND THE MINUTES
WILL SEEM LIKE HOURS.
- THE NUT WITH A BEARD, DID
YOU GET A GOOD LOOK AT HIM?
- GOT HIM.
- DID YOU GET A GOOD
LOOK AT THE OTHER ONE?
- GOT HIM.
- YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO?
- GET THEM.
- YOU GOT THEM, DOBE.
ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD,
THAT'S WHAT YOU GOT.
- SURE, I TOLD THAT GORGEOUS
CREATURE A FEW SMALL LIES,
BUT I SIMPLY HAD TO MEET HER,
AND LYING WAS THE ONLY WAY.
- OKAY, DOBE.
- JUST LEAVE IT TO MY
CHARM AND PERSONALITY.
- WE'RE IN BIG TROUBLE, DOBE.
- NOW CUT THAT OUT!
BESIDES, YOU'RE NOT
INVOLVED IN THIS AT ALL.
I'M RESPONSIBLE.
I STARTED THE WHOLE
THING AND I FOLLOWED IT UP.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
I'M ABSOLUTELY THE ONLY
PERSON RESPONSIBLE.
- WHICH ONE OF YOU PICKED
UP THAT GIRL IN THE LOBBY?
- HE'S RESPONSIBLE.
- ME? OH, COME NOW.
- PLEASE, SIR. DON'T
BE TOO HARD ON HIM,
HE DIDN'T KNOW SHE
WAS YOUR GIRLFRIEND,
AND BESIDES, HE CAN'T HELP IT
IF HE'S FASCINATING TO WOMEN.
- ME? OH, COME NOW.
- AT EASE, BOTH OF YOU.
SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND.
- I'M GLAD.
- SHE'S A DANGEROUS ENEMY SPY
WHO WOULD KILL A MAN
AS SOON AS LOOK AT HIM.
- WHEW, I'M LEAVING.
- NOT SO FAST.
I'M WITH THE UNITED
STATES GOVERNMENT.
- OH, HELP, DOBE. I'M
GONNA BE DRAFTED AGAIN.
- THE GOVERNMENT
ISN'T THAT DESPERATE.
A.F. BOTTOMLY, SPECIAL
UNDERCOVER AGENT.
- MAYNARD G. KREBS,
CAPTAIN KANGAROO FAN CLUB.
- VERONICA VANDERHEIM
MISTOOK YOU FOR DR. FAHRENHEIT,
THE FINEST SCIENTIFIC
MIND OF THE 20th CENTURY.
- A NATURAL MISTOOK.
- YOU KEEP THAT DATE YOU
MADE WITH HER FOR TONIGHT
AND YOU MAY LEAD US
TO THE REST OF THAT
DANGEROUS
INTERNATIONAL SPY RING.
- LIKE, BYE.
- KREBS,
IT'S YOUR DUTY AS A CITIZEN.
I'M SURE YOU'LL
CHANGE YOUR MIND.
- WANNA BET?
- MAYNARD, I'M ASHAMED.
- YOU'RE ASHAMED. I'M YELLOW.
- THEN YOU WON'T DO IT?
- GOOD THINKING, I WON'T DO IT.
- LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY.
YOU'LL GET 20 YEARS
FOR IMPERSONATING A GOVERNMENT
OFFICIAL IF YOU DON'T DO IT.
- LET ME PUT IT
THIS WAY, I'LL DO IT.
- YOU BET HE WILL DO IT.
HE WILL EITHER
TELL US THE FORMULA
FOR THE SUPER ROCKET FUEL OR...
- POOR DR. FAHRENHEIT. HE
HAS SUCH AN INNOCENT FACE.
RIDICULOUS, BUT INNOCENT.
- NEVER MIND THE SYMPATHY.
TO BE A PERFECT SPY
YOU MUST BE LIKE ME,
HARD AS ROCK, STRONG
AS STEEL, TOUGH AS NAILS.
[PHONE RINGS]
MOTHER McGINTY'S HOMEMADE
PIES, MOTHER McGINTY SPEAKING.
A PERFECT FRONT.
OH, YES, SIR. YES, SIR.
ALL RIGHT, CHIEF.
WE'RE LEAVING FOR
THE HOTEL RIGHT NOW.
VERONICA... YES, SHE'S
THE WELL-BUILT ONE...
HAS A DATE FOR DINNER
TONIGHT WITH DR. FAHRENHEIT.
HIS ASSISTANT INSISTED
ON COMING ALONG,
BUT WE CAN GET RID OF HIM THE
MOMENT THEY ENTER THE TAXICAB.
ALL RIGHT, CHIEF.
WE'LL MEET YOU IN THE
HOTEL LOBBY IN 30 MINUTES.
RIGHT, CHIEF.
THAT WAS THE CHIEF.
- I'M ALREADY WEARING
MY WORKING CLOTHES.
- GOOD. GOOD.
- THE CHIEF CAN SQUEEZE
INFORMATION OUT OF A STONE.
I ALMOST FEEL SORRY
FOR POOR DR. FAHRENHEIT.
- YES, I WOULD SAY THAT THE GOOD
DOCTOR'S DAYS ARE NUMBERED.
- NUMBERS? OH, I KNOW
ALL ABOUT NUMBERS
EXCEPT THEM THAT
COME AFTER THREE.
[PHONE RINGS]
- IT'S HER, SHE'S IN THE
LOBBY. IT'S TOO LATE.
- NOT FOR ME, IT AIN'T.
- ANSWER THE PHONE, KREBS.
INVITE HER UP HERE FOR DINNER.
- DO I HAVE TO?
- 20 YEARS IN JAIL.
- I HAVE TO. LIKE, HI,
THIS IS DR., UH, DR., UH...
- FAHRENHEIT.
- THANK YOU. AND I
DIDN'T EVEN SNEEZE.
- DR. FAHRENHEIT.
- DR. FAHRENHEIT.
- NO. NO. TELL HER YOU'RE
DR. FAHRENHEIT, DUMMY.
- YOU'RE DR. FAHRENHEIT, DUMMY.
- DR. FAHRENHEIT, DARLING,
YOU SOUND SO STRANGE,
IS SOMETHING WRONG?
OH, GOOD, NOTHING IS WRONG.
YOU'LL BE FINE AS SOON AS
THOSE MEN STOP KICKING YOU.
MEN, WHAT MEN?
SOMETHING IS ROTTEN IN DENMARK.
- WE DON'T HANDLE OUT OF TOWN
CASES, JUST GET HIM DOWN HERE.
- YES, SIR.
DOCTOR, I'M WAITING FOR YOU.
ARE YOU READY FOR DINNER?
WHAT?
COME UP TO YOUR ROOM FOR DINNER?
HMM, HE MAY NOT BE AS
BACKWARD AS HE LOOKS.
- YEAH, I ALREADY
ORDERED A BIG FAT DINNER.
YEAH, YEAH, TWO BIG FAT DINNERS,
AND WE PROBABLY CAN DIG UP
SOMETHING FOR YOU TO EAT TOO.
- GET UP TO HIS ROOM
BEFORE HE GETS SUSPICIOUS.
ONCE THERE, YOU CAN SLIP
THIS POWDER INTO HIS DRINK.
THEN WE CAN DRAG HIM
OFF TO OUR HEADQUARTERS
LIKE A SACK OF FLOUR.
- GOOD.
I AM COMING RIGHT
UP, DOCTOR HONEY,
AND I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU.
YOU ARE SUCH AN EXCITING MAN.
- ME? OH, COME NOW. BYE.
- ATTABOY, MAYNARD, YOU
DID IT. YOU REALLY DID IT.
- NATURALLY, FOR I'M
MAYNARD G. KREBS.
- BUT IT WAS THE MESSIEST, MOST
BOTCHED-UP JOB I'VE EVER SEEN.
- NATURALLY, FOR
I'M MAYNARD G...
- YEAH, I THINK IT'S KREBS.
- YEAH, KREBS.
- KREBS, YEAH.
- KREBS, IF SHE SUGGESTS
YOU DRINK A TOAST, BEWARE.
SHE MAY SLIP SOMETHING INTO
YOUR DRINK THAT WILL KNOCK YOU OUT.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- NOW, MAYNARD, JUST RELAX
AND LOOK ON THIS AS AN EVENING
IN WHICH YOU ARE ENTERTAINING
A CHARMING, BEAUTIFUL,
ENTRANCING YOUNG CREATURE.
- GOTCHA.
- UH-HUH.
- LIKE WELCOME, CHARMING,
BEAUTIFUL, ENTRANCING
YOUNG CREATURE.
- WELL, DON'T JUST
STAND THERE, KISS ME.
MAYNARD.
- HELLO, DOBIE.
- HI, MOM, DAD.
WE WERE EXPECTING SOMEONE ELSE.
- DOGGONE IT, AND I
THOUGHT YOU DECIDED
THAT I MAY BE PRETTY CUTE.
- I MAY BE PRETTY SICK.
- MOM, DAD, YOU'VE GOT
TO GET OUT OF HERE QUICK.
- DOBIE, YOU'RE ACTING
VERY STRANGELY.
- YEAH, VERY STRANGELY.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE.
LOOK, I CAN'T EXPLAIN NOW,
BUT PLEASE LEAVE US
ALONE HERE BEFORE...
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF I TOLD
YOU THAT A GIRL'S COMING UP HERE
FOR AN INTIMATE CANDLELIGHT
DINNER WITH MAYNARD?
- OH, COME NOW.
THE VERY THOUGHT OF SOME
GIRL GOING FOR MAYNARD
IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS.
- I'LL BUY THAT.
- NOW, HERBERT, DON'T
JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS.
STRANGER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED.
I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT,
BUT ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE.
- CERTAINLY, WHAT
KIND OF A KOOKY GIRL
WOULD BE COMING UP
HERE TO VISIT MAYNARD?
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- HELLO, DARLING.
OH, I COULD HARDLY
COUNT THE MINUTES.
- ANY MORE QUESTIONS?
- WELL...
- VAVOOM.
- SEE, DAD? SEE, MOM?
BYE, DAD. BYE, MOM. BYE. BYE.
- I HAVE SOMETHING FOR
YOU, MY FASCINATING ONE.
- ANYTHING FOR THE
SCIENTIST'S LOYAL ASSISTANT?
- YES, THIS.
- ROOM SERVICE IS
SENDING THE DINNERS UP.
THEY SHOULD BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
- HOW ROMANTIC.
- WELL, DON'T TRY FILCHING
NONE OF MINE, WALDO,
'CAUSE I GOT A VERY
SUSPICIOUS STOMACH.
- COME, MY FASCINATING ONE.
SIT HERE BESIDE ME.
ALL MY LIFE I HAVE WANTED
TO MEET A MAN LIKE YOU.
- YES, I AM QUITE MANLY.
- A MAN WITH A BRAIN LIKE YOURS.
- YES, MY BRAIN IS
QUITE MANLY TOO.
- DOCTOR, DON'T TELL ME
YOU ARE AFRAID OF WOMEN.
- OKAY, I WON'T
TELL YOU, BUT I AM.
- WHAT A PITY.
- YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING?
- WHAT, MY SWEET?
- WITH A LITTLE BIT OF HELP,
I THINK I COULD LEARN NOT
TO BE AFRAID OF WOMEN.
- MUST WE STAY HERE, MY ANGEL?
LET US GO TO AN INTIMATE LITTLE
CAFÉ WHERE WE CAN BE ALONE.
- WELL, IT'S OKAY WITH ME,
BUT THEM OTHER FELLAS...
- I'M SORRY, BUT
DR. FAHRENHEIT CAN'T LEAVE.
HE'S EXPECTING A VERY IMPORTANT
PHONE CALL FROM THE PRESIDENT.
- THE PRESIDENT? GLORIOSKI!
I WONDER HOW MR. HOOVER
KNEW I WAS IN TOWN.
WHAT AN AGE WE LIVE IN.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- ROOM SERVICE.
- JUST PUT IT...
- WHERE? WHERE, SIR?
JUST NAME IT AND YOU'VE GOT IT.
WE HOTEL EMPLOYEES ARE ALWAYS
EAGER TO EMPLOY PLEASINGLY.
- YEAH, ANYWHERE,
ANYWHERE. JUST PUT IT...
- THANK YOU, SIR.
- YEAH.
MOM, WHAT'S GOING ON?
- WE'RE GOING TO KEEP
AN EYE ON MAYNARD.
- BUT, MOM...
- OH, WE'RE NOT
GOING TO INTERFERE
WITH HIS ROMANCE
OR WHATEVER IT IS,
BUT I DON'T TRUST THAT... THAT
GORGEOUS HUNK OF WOMAN.
- WHY NOT? YOU
DON'T EVEN KNOW HER.
- AS YOU GROW OLDER, DEAR,
YOU WILL LEARN THAT
THE AVERAGE FEMALE
AUTOMATICALLY DOESN'T TRUST
ANY GORGEOUS HUNK OF WOMAN...
AH-AH-AH, THERE,
LET'S NOT BE SITTING
QUITE SO CLOSE TOGETHER NOW.
BREAK IT UP NOW.
RULE OF THE HOTEL.
- HERE YOU ARE,
MADEMOISELLE AND MONSIEUR.
- OH, THANK YOU, MY GOOD MAN.
HEY, DON'T I KNOW
YOU FROM SOMEPLACE?
I MEAN, YOU...
- NO. NO. NO. NO.
YOU NEVER SAW THIS
WAITER BEFORE IN YOUR LIFE.
HERE, HERE, EAT,
DRINK, AND BE MERRY.
- I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK.
- THANK YOU, WAITER
AND WAITRESS.
YOU'VE BEEN MOST HELPFUL,
AND YOU MAY LEAVE
WHENEVER YOU'RE READY,
LIKE, IMMEDIATELY.
- OH, THANK YOU, SIR,
BUT I AM A PERFECTIONIST,
AND I AM GOING TO STAY TO
MAKE SURE EVERYTHING'S OKAY.
- DOBE, YOU SURE I DON'T KNOW
THAT WAITER FROM SOMEPLACE?
- THAT IDIOT WILL
RUIN EVERYTHING.
- WHICH IDIOT?
IN THAT ROOM
YOU'VE GOT A CHOICE.
- WOULD YOU LIGHT
THIS CIGARETTE, PLEASE?
- OH, IT AIN'T NECESSARY.
I DON'T SMOKE.
- NO, LAMB, IT IS FOR ME.
- OH, HERE.
NOW, WHERE WERE WE, MY LOVE?
- OH, I JUST LIT YOUR
CIGARETTE, I MEAN, YOUR MATCH.
I MEAN, LIKE, HELP.
I MEAN, LIKE, HELP! LIKE, HELP!
- WHOA! OH, YOU CLUMSY FOOL!
I DEMAND YOU CALL THE MANAGER
AND HAVE THESE NINCOMPOOPS
DISCHARGED AT ONCE.
- YOU NINCOMPOOPS
ARE GONNA BE DISCH...
HEY, DON'T I KNOW YOU TWO?
YEAH, I KNOW THE
BOTH OF YOU. YOU ARE...
- OF COURSE NOT, MAYNARD.
COME, MY LOYAL WORKERS,
LET US GO INTO THE NEXT ROOM
WHERE WE WILL DISCUSS THE
LARGE TIP YOU'RE GONNA GET.
- NOW, JUST A
COTTON-PICKIN' MINUTE.
- MOM, DAD, YOU DON'T
KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING,
AND IN THIS ROOM I DON'T
KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
- DOBIE, DEAR, DO YOU REALIZE
WHAT TERRIBLE TROUBLE
MAYNARD IS GETTING HIMSELF INTO?
- I KNOW, BUT YOU DON'T.
- WELL, I KNOW ONE THING.
ANY TIME A DOLL LIKE THAT GOES
FOR A SCHNOOK LIKE MAYNARD,
SHE HAS TO BE AFTER HIS MONEY.
MAYNARD'S MONEY?
- IT'S BLACKMAIL!
SHE'LL LURE HIM INTO BLACKMAIL.
- NO. NO. YOU'VE
GOT THIS ALL WRONG.
- OH, PLEASE, DEAR, I KNOW
ALL ABOUT THESE THINGS.
I WATCH THE RERUNS OF
"RACKET SQUAD" EVERY MORNING.
- SHE'S RIGHT.
SHE'S JUST SOFTENING HIM
UP SO HER NO-GOOD PALS
CAN SHOW UP WITH THE
CAMERAS AND THE MICROPHONES
AND THE TAPE RECORDERS
AND THEN THE BOSS
OF THE NO-GOOD PALS
CAN SHOW UP HIMSELF IN PERSON.
- BLACKMAILER!
GET OUT FROM UNDER THERE, YOU!
GET OUT FROM UNDER THERE!
GET OUT FROM UNDER THERE!
- YOU DIRTY RATS, PREYING
ON AN INNOCENT BOY.
- NO, DAD. THEY'RE
GOVERNMENT AGENTS.
- OH, GOVERNMENT
AGENTS, MY FOOT.
THEY'RE A COUPLE
OF DIRTY CROOKS.
- YOUR SON IS RIGHT,
MR. GILLIS. PIPE DOWN AND LISTEN.
- I AIN'T PIPING
DOWN FOR NOBODY.
- TURN UP THE VOLUME ON
THE TAPE RECORDER AND LISTEN!
- THEY ARE ALL GONE, MY TIGER.
COME, LET ME TAKE YOU AWAY
FROM HERE TO THE LITTLE CAFÉ
I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT.
- TELL ME AGAIN ABOUT THE FOOD.
DO THEY MAKE A GOOD
CHOCOLATE SUNDAE?
- SHE'S TRYING TO
SNEAK HIM OUT OF HERE.
WE'VE GOT TO FOLLOW THEM!
- OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
- NOT SO FAST, YOU SCAMP!
- YOU'RE DARN-TOOTIN'.
WE'RE HOLDING YOU HERE TILL
WE GET THE HOUSE DETECTIVE.
- OUT OF THE WAY, GILLIS,
THIS IS A FEDERAL OFFENSE.
- I KNOW IT'S A FEDERAL OFFENSE,
AND I'M GOING TO SEE THAT THE
FBI CLOBBERS YOU SCUMS GOOD.
- DAD! MOM!
- WE SHALL CATCH
A CAB DOWNSTAIRS
AND BE THERE IN A FEW
MINUTES. YOU WILL LOVE IT.
- BUT DOBE, THAT'S MR. GILLIS,
MY TRUSTED ASSISTANT, SAID
I SHOULDN'T LEAVE,
AND HE'S VERY SMART.
- SAYS WHO?
- SAYS HIM.
EVERYBODY ELSE SAYS HE'S STUPID.
- THEN COME ALONG.
- NO. I CAN'T. HE'S STUPID,
BUT I PROMISED HIM I WOULDN'T
LEAVE AND MY HEAD'S MADE UP.
- VERY WELL THEN. WE SHALL STAY.
- LIKE, GOOD.
- AND WE SHALL DRINK A TOAST.
- OH, YEAH?
YOU WOULDN'T TRY TO
SLIP SOMETHING IN MY DRINK
TO KNOCK ME OUT, WOULD YOU?
- OH, DOCTOR, YOU
ARE SO AMUSING.
- WELL, DON'T TRY TO AMUSE ME
WITH SOME KNOCKOUT POWDER,
'CAUSE I'M WATCHING
YOU LIKE A HAWK.
- OF COURSE YOU ARE, MY DARLING.
- AND I'M A PRETTY SMART COOKIE.
I'M PRETTY SHREWD IN THE
HEAD, SO DON'T TRY NOTHING.
- I WOULDN'T THINK
OF IT, MY PEACH.
- THAT'S BETTER. BE SMART.
- LOOK, DR. FAHRENHEIT.
IS THAT NOT THE
FIRST ROBIN OF SPRING?
- WHERE? WHERE? WHERE?
- I WAS MISTAKEN.
- OR WAS IT A FIENDISH TRICK,
'CAUSE IF IT WAS, IT
FAILED MISERABLY,
BECAUSE MAYNARD G. KREBS
AIN'T NO MAN'S FOOL,
OR WOMAN'S EITHER.
- LET US A DRINK A TOAST TO
THAT, MY FASCINATING SCIENTIST.
- YEAH, LEAVE US.
OH, HARK, ISN'T THAT THE
SECOND ROBIN OF SPRING?
- OH, DOCTOR. I'M AFRAID
YOU ARE MISTAKEN.
- YEAH, I GOOFED. NO OFFENSE.
LET US DRINK A TOAST TO
YOU, MY HANDSOME SIREN.
- HARK!
- HUH?
- PERHAPS IT WAS THE
SECOND ROBIN OF SPRING.
- WHERE? WHERE? WHERE?
- OH, IT HAS FLOWN AWAY.
- HEY, WE BETTER WATCH OUT,
OR WE'RE GONNA BE UP
TO OUR ELBOWS IN ROBINS.
UH-OH, THERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
- BEHOLD, THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.
- AH.
WANT TO GIVE UP
AND ADMIT I'M MORE
CLEVER THAN YOU ARE?
- OF COURSE, MY BRILLIANT
ONE. YOU ARE ASTOUNDING.
- TRUE.
- WHAT ARE YOU WAITING
FOR, DR. SNOOKUMS?
LET US TOAST.
- FOOLED YOU, DIDN'T I?
DIDN'T I?
AH, YOU HAVE TO GET UP
EVERY MORNING EARLY IN THE A.M.
TO OUTSHREW
DR. MAYNARD G. GESUNDHEIT.
- THERE HE IS, CHIEF.
- SO THIS IS THE
FAMOUS DR. FAHRENHEIT?
TO LOOK AT HIM YOU WOULD THINK
HE'S NOTHING BUT A
BACKWARD, LAME-BRAINED,
ADDLEPATED NITWIT.
- YOU RANG?
- I'M WARNING YOU, YOU'RE
OBSTRUCTING JUSTICE.
- YOU MAKE A BUM MOVE
AND I'LL OBSTRUCT YOU.
DOBIE, HAVEN'T YOU GOT
THAT HOUSE DETECTIVE YET?
- NOT YET, DAD.
DAD, HERE'S THE HOTEL BILL.
I THINK THEY'RE TRYING
TO OVERCHARGE US.
- WHAT? WHAT? OVERCHARGE
ME? LET'S SEE THAT.
- HEY!
- HERBERT! HERBERT!
MAYNARD'S BLACKMAILERS
ARE GETTING AWAY!
- OH, FORGET MAYNARD.
THE HOTEL IS TRYING
TO BLACKMAIL ME.
LOOK AT THIS.
$27.80 FOR A PETRIFIED
CHESAPEAKE OYSTER.
- THE DOOR!
- AGH!
- CURSES! FOILED AGAIN.
WELL, I'M NOT
LETTING HIM GET AWAY.
- NO. NO, CHIEF. IT'S
TOO DANGEROUS.
- WOULD YOU PREFER TO
RETURN TO THE FATHERLAND,
PERISH FORBID, WITHOUT
DR. FAHRENHEIT'S FORMULA
OR TAKE A CHANCE OF
GETTING CAUGHT HERE
AND SPEND THE NEXT FIVE YEARS
IN A NICE, FEDERAL
PENITENTIARY WITH STEAM HEAT
AND WIDESCREEN MOVIES?
- WE'LL NOT LET HIM
GET AWAY, CHIEF.
- ALL RIGHT! HANDS UP!
NOBODY LEAVES THE
LOBBY OR I SHOOT!
GUARD THE DOORS.
ALL RIGHT, DR. FAHRENHEIT,
WE KNOW ARE YOU ARE
HIDING HERE SOMEPLACE.
COME OUT!
- ALL RIGHT.
THEN WE FIND YOU.
- DR. FAHRENHEIT,
I AM WARNING YOU.
AH! DR. FAHRENHEIT'S ASSISTANTS.
DON'T MOVE, ANY OF YOU.
- PUT THE GUN DOWN,
WE'RE GOVERNMENT AGENTS.
- DR. FAHRENHEIT,
WHERE ARE YOU HIDING?
COME OUT BY THE TIME I COUNT
TO 10, OR I SHOOT YOUR ASSISTANT.
- DON'T LET HIM
SCARE YOU, GILLIS.
- DON'T WORRY. MAYNARD,
COME OUT BEFORE HE SHOOTS ME.
- GILLIS, HE CAN'T
INTIMIDATE YOU.
- WANNA BET?
- ONE, TWO...
- SIR.
- QUIET!
IF YOUR FRIEND
REALLY CARES FOR YOU,
HE'D COME OUT BY
THE TIME I COUNT TO 10.
THREE...
- HE CARES FOR ME ALL RIGHT,
BUT HE GETS MIXED UP PAST THREE.
- FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT
AH!
- AH!
- AH!
[SCREAM]
- SO YOU DIDN'T GET
MAYNARD AFTER ALL.
- MAYNARD? YOU MEAN
THAT COMICAL-LOOKING OAF
WAS NOT DR. FAHRENHEIT?
- OF COURSE NOT.
HE'S MY FRIEND,
MAYNARD G. KREBS.
- THE WRONG MAN.
WE'RE TRYING TO
CATCH THE WRONG MAN.
YOU ARE LAME-BRAINED,
BACKWARD, MUTTON-HEADED CREEP.
- YOU RANG?
- WELL, MAYNARD, YOU DID IT.
- YEAH, AND THEY
SAID I COULDN'T.
GOODBYE, YOU DIRTY OLD SPIES.
YOU GOT TO GET UP PRETTY
EARLY IN THE MORNING
TO FOOL MAYNARD G., UH...
- WELL, ARE WE ALL SET?
WE GOT ALL OUR MEMENTOS
OF WASHINGTON COLLECTED?
- YES. I HAVE THIS WONDERFUL
BOOK OF THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL,
AND ALL THESE MAPS
OF MOUNT VERNON.
- AND I GOT SOME
BEAUTIFUL PIMENTOS.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S MEMENTOS,
AND WHAT HAVE YOU GOT IN THERE?
- I GOT THEM FROM
THAT SPY CAT BRUNO.
HE WAS REALLY MOTHER McGINTY
FROM MOTHER McGINTY'S
HOMEMADE PIES.
I GOT TWO APPLE PIES.