The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 4, Episode 31 - Requiem for an Underweight Heavyweight - full transcript

Pills containing the concentrated essence of the Galapagos Island turtle transform Maynard into the powerhouse prizefighter "Killer Krebs."

[CROWD CHATTER]

[BELL RINGS]

[CROWD CHATTER]

- THANK YOU.

[JAZZ THEME]

- THIS IS THE NUMBER
ONE CONTENDER

FOR THE HEAVYWEIGHT
CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD.

UNDEFEATED, UNTIED, AND
UNSCORED UPON, ROCKY FERONI.

225 POUNDS OF MUSCLE,
BRAWN, AND FIGHTING FURY.

AND THIS IS MAYNARD G.
KREBS, 105 POUNDS OF...

WELL, YOU NAME IT.



NOW, MY FRIEND MAYNARD HAS
NEVER BEEN KNOWN AS A ROUGHNECK.

HE'S MILD AND GENTLE
AND PEACE-LOVING AND...

AND WELL, WHAT HE IS IS YELLOW.

SO WHAT WAS THIS CANARY
DOING IN THE SAME STATE,

LET ALONE THE SAME RING,

WITH A VULTURE
LIKE ROCKY FERONI?

THE WHOLE BLACK
AND BLUE STORY BEGAN

IN DR. IMOGENE
BURKHART'S BIOLOGY CLASS.

- CLASS, I SHALL TRY ONCE MORE

WITH, I CONFESS, BUT
DIM HOPES FOR SUCCESS,

TO OUTLINE THE PURPOSE
AND DEVELOPMENT

OF THESE SO-CALLED ENERGY PILLS.

THE UNITED STATES AIR FORCE
HAS GIVEN OUR BIOLOGY DEPARTMENT

THE ASSIGNMENT OF
TESTING THE EFFECT



OF THESE CAPSULES ON MICE.

- YOIKS, A WASTE OF
US TAXPAYERS' MONEY.

- MR. KREBS.

- NAME ME ONE MOUSE THAT
EVER GOT INTO THE U.S. AIR FORCE.

- MR. KREBS, IF THESE PILLS
WORK EFFECTIVELY ON MICE,

THEN ONE DAY THEY WILL
BE FED TO HUMAN BEINGS

FOR USE IN SPACE TRAVEL.

- LIKE, FASCINATING.
- LIKE, THANK YOU.

- EACH OF THESE
CAPSULES CONTAINS

THE CONCENTRATED ESSENCE
OF THE STRONGEST, HEARTIEST,

MOST ENDURING LIVING CREATURE
ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH,

AND THE NAME OF
THAT CREATURE IS...

- MIGHTY MOUSE, MY HERO.

- NO, MR. KREBS.

YOUR ADMIRATION FOR MIGHTY
MOUSE IS A MATTER OF PUBLIC RECORD,

BUT IN THIS CASE I AM REFERRING

TO THE GALAPAGOS
ISLAND TURTLE, OF COURSE.

- OF COURSE.

- NATURE HAS ENDOWED
THESE TURTLES

WITH ASTOUNDING
STRENGTH AND ENDURANCE.

THEY LIVE TO BE
HUNDREDS OF YEARS OLD.

NOW, DO YOU REALIZE
WHAT'S IN THESE CAPSULES?

- INSTANT TURTLE.

- INSTANT STRENGTH
AND POWER, MAYBE.

THAT IS WHAT OUR EXPERIMENT
WITH THE MICE WILL ATTEMPT TO PROVE.

MR. KREBS, WOULD YOU
PLEASE BRING THAT CAGE OF MICE

HERE TO MY DESK PLEASE?

CLASS, GATHER ROUND.

WE SHALL FEED THE MICE
A PILL A DAY FOR 80 DAYS,

AND AT THE END OF THAT TIME WE
SHALL COMPARE THEIR STRENGTH

WITH THEIR PRESENT STRENGTH.

MR. KREBS, WILL YOU PLEASE
FEED A PILL TO MOUSE "A?"

NOW, I SHALL PLACE
THIS CAT NEAR MOUSE "A,"

AND WE WILL WAIT
FOR THE RESULTS.

CLASS, OBSERVE.

ISN'T THAT FANTASTIC?

HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN IT?
- SCAREDY CAT.

- NO, MR. KREBS, IT'S
SIMPLY THAT THE PILL

HAS MADE THE MOUSE

AS STRONG AND AS FIERCE
AS A THOUSAND CATS.

[BELL RINGS]

- CATS AND MICE WILLING, WE WILL
RESUME OUR EXPERIMENT TOMORROW.

CLASS, WITH THE EXCEPTION
OF MR. KREBS, DISMISSED.

MR. KREBS, I HAVE A VERY
SIMPLE LITTLE JOB FOR YOU TO DO.

I WANT TO FEED A PILL,

ONE PILL TO EACH OF
THE MICE IN THE CAGE.

- ONE PILL? THAT MEANS
COUNTING, AND THAT AIN'T SIMPLE.

- WELL, I'M VERY TRICKY.

YOU'VE GOT TO WATCH
ME EVERY MINUTE.

- ALL RIGHT. COME ON,
MOUSEY, PILL TIME. LET'S GO.

COME ON, EAT UP.

EVERYBODY NEEDS A NICE
COLD MEAL TO START OFF THE DAY.

COME ON MICEY, HERE.

COME ON LITTLE ITTY-BITTY BUDDY.

COME ON, EAT. OH,
THEY'RE DELICIOUS.

HERE. WATCH DADDY.

OH, THEY'RE YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY.

HERE WATCH.

- HI, MAYNARD, DID YOU HAVE
TO STAY AFTER CLASS AGAIN,

AND OH WHAT A FOOLISH QUESTION.
WHAT DID YOU DO WRONG THIS TIME?

MAYNARD.

MAYNARD, WHAT'S GOT
INTO YOU? MAYNARD?

MAYNARD, PUT THAT DOWN.

YOU KNOW DR. BURKHART
DOESN'T LIKE PEOPLE PICKING UP...

PICKING UP HER DESK?

MAYNARD, YOU'RE THE
STRONGEST PERSON I'VE EVER SEEN.

YOU'RE ANOTHER SUPERMAN.

- OR POSSIBLY MIGHTY MOUSE.
HE'S MY IDEAL, YOU KNOW.

- WHEN I FINALLY GOT MAYNARD
TO PUT DOWN THAT DESK

AND FOUND OUT THAT
HE HAD SWALLOWED

A WHOLE MESS OF THOSE
ENERGY PILLS, I WAS SCARED.

I CAN TELL YOU THAT.

I WAS AFRAID TERRIBLE THINGS
MIGHT BE HAPPENING TO HIM.

SO I WENT FOR ADVICE TO A MAN

NOTED THROUGHOUT
THE NEIGHBORHOOD

FOR HIS SYMPATHY, UNDERSTANDING,
AND KIND, TENDER, COMPASSION.

- WE'LL SQUEEZE A MILLION
BUCKS, NICKEL BY NICKEL,

RIGHT OUT OF HIS HIDE.

- MAKE MONEY OFF HIM?
BUT HOW, DAD? HOW?

- NEVER MIND, SON. I'LL
THINK OF SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW, WHEN IT COMES
TO MONEY I'M REALLY...

WHAT'S THE WORD
I'M TRYING TO SAY?

- GREEDY?
- GREEDY, THAT'S THE WORD.

MAYNARD, STOP
FIDDLING WITH THAT THING,

YOU'RE MAKING ME NERVOUS.

- OH, EXCUSE ME, MR. G. I
WAS JUST UNLUMBERING.

- THAT'S UNLIMBERING AND
CUT IT OUT, I'M TRYING TO THINK.

OH, WHAT A PROPERTY.

WE GOTTA FIGURE OUT SOME
WAY TO REALLY CASH IN ON HIM.

- YEAH, IS THERE ANY
MONEY IN WEIGHTLIFTING?

- CHICKEN FEED.

- FURNITURE MOVING?
- PIKER STUFF.

- RENTING HIM OUT
AS A BULLDOZER?

- OH, NO. I AIN'T SPENDING THE
REST OF MY LIFE DOZING BULLS.

- OH, HE'S RIGHT, DAD.

- SON, YOU HAD BETTER TAKE YOUR
HEAD OUT AND GET IT REBLOCKED.

YOU'RE TALKING
LIKE A BUSH LEAGUER,

AND WE'RE IN THE BIG TIME NOW.

- BUT HOW CAN WE...
- QUIET.

HERE I AM WORKING ON THE
BIGGEST DEAL OF ALL TIME,

AND ANY MINUTE
IT'S GOING TO HIT ME.

HIT ME?

HIT ME. THAT'S IT.

- COME ON, MAYNARD, HIT ME.

- I DON'T WANT TO HIT
YOU, DOBE, I'M SCARED.

- SCARED OF WHAT?
- I'M SCARED HE'LL HIT ME BACK.

- LOOK MAYNARD, I
BROUGHT YOU OUT HERE

TO BRANNIGAN'S TRAINING
CAMP FOR ONE REASON.

YOU ARE GOING TO BE THE
BIGGEST CHAMP OF ALL TIME.

- SOUNDS EASY.

- NOW, ALL YOU GOTTA
DO IS LEARN TO FIGHT.

- SOUNDS HARD.

- THERE'S NOTHING TO IT. GO
AHEAD, HIT DOBIE ON THE CHIN.

- COME ON, MAYNARD, BELT ME.

- NO, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

I CAN'T HIT ANYBODY
UNLESS I'M MAD.

I MEAN DOBE'S QUITE LOVABLE.

- OKAY, MAYNARD.

BOY I HATE TO DO IT THIS WAY,

BUT I GUESS IT'S
THE ONLY CHANCE.

SON, WHAT DO YOU
THINK OF MIGHTY MOUSE?

- WHO?
- YOU KNOW, MIGHTY MOUSE.

- NEVER HEARD OF THE BUM.

- NO OFFENSE, GOOD BUDDY.

- WITH MY OWN
BODY, I, DOBIE GILLIS...

WITH MY OWN BODY, I,
DOBIE GILLIS, HAVE PROVED

THAT MAYNARD G. KREBS
CAN THROW A PUNCH.

BOY CAN HE THROW A PUNCH.

I'M A MASS OF BROKEN BONES
AND BRUISES FROM HERE TO HERE,

AND ESPECIALLY
WHERE I LANDED, HERE.

YES, MAYNARD HAD
A PUNCH ALL RIGHT,

BUT BEFORE HE COULD
START RAKING IN THE CASH,

HE NEEDED CONDITIONING
AND EXPERIENCE.

SO HE WENT BACK TO
BRANNIGAN'S TRAINING CAMP

WITH HIS NEW MANAGER.

- ALL RIGHT, CHAMP. LET'S
GET ON WITH THE WORKOUT.

YOU GOT A LOT TO LEARN.
- RIGHT, YOUR MANAGERSHIP.

THE FIRST THING I WANT TO LEARN
ABOUT FIGHTS IS HOW TO FIX THEM.

- MAYNARD, YOU ARE
TALKING ABOUT YEARS AGO.

THEY DON'T FIX FIGHTS NO MORE.

- THEN HOW DO YOU FIX
ONE WHEN ONE GETS BROKE?

- THIS IS GONNA BE
TOUGHER THAN I THOUGHT.

LET'S START FROM THE
START, HUH? NOW, THEN...

[BELL RINGS]

- WHAT'S THAT?
- B FLAT.

- I HEARD A BELL.
WHEN DO WE START?

WHEN? WHEN? WHEN?

HEY, HOW DID YOU LOOK BEFORE
YOUR FOUGHT SONNY LISTON?

- OH, NO, SIR.

I'VE BEEN LIKE THIS FROM
BIRTH, FROM THE DAY I WAS BORN.

- MY SYMPATHY TO YOUR PARENTS.

- HEY, WATCH IT THERE HOW
YOU'RE TALKING TO MY BOY.

HE COULD TAKE YOU
INSIDE A COUPLE ROUNDS.

- TAKE HIM WHERE, MR. G.?

- I'LL EXPLAIN LATER
AFTER YOU'RE CHAMP.

COME ON, LET'S GET INTO
SOME FIGHTING CLOTHES, HUH?

- I GOT THEM ON UNDERNEATH.

- WELL, TAKE OFF THE SWEATSHIRT.
- IN FRONT OF ALL THESE PEOPLE?

- YOU HEARD HIM, PUNK,
OFF WITH THE SWEATSHIRT.

I CAN'T WAIT TO BELT YOU
IN TO THE NEXT COUNTY.

- WELL, WELL, LOOK AT
THEM RIPPLING MUSCLES.

- WHERE? WHERE?

- JUST FOR THAT,

I'M GOING TO LET YOU GO A
COUPLE OF ROUNDS WITH MY BOY.

- MY PLEASURE.

AND WHO'S GONNA PAY
HIS HOSPITAL EXPENSES?

- OH, THERE'S NOT
TOO MANY PEOPLE

THAT WORRY ABOUT THAT, SIR.

YOU'RE ALL HEART, EXCEPT
FOR THE PART OF YOU

THAT'S CAULIFLOWER EAR.

- LET ME AT HIM!

- OKAY, MAYNARD. COME ON,
GET UP THERE IN THE RING.

MAYNARD, PLEASE, IN THE RING.

THERE.

NOW, PUT UP YOUR DUKES.

NO, YOU'RE WIDE OPEN.

GET INTO A CROUCH.

NOT THAT KIND,
MAYNARD, LIKE THIS.

- OH.
- THAT'S BETTER.

NOW, START FIGHTING. HIT HIM!

- OH, NO, MR. G., I
AIN'T TO RUFFIAN.

- COME ON, MUSCLES, HIT ME.

- OH, NO. I'M SWEET AND GENTLE.

- WELL, I GUESS THERE'S
ONLY ONE WAY TO DO IT.

GROGAN, WHAT DO YOU
THINK OF MIGHTY MOUSE?

- WHO?
- YOU KNOW, MIGHTY MOUSE.

- NEVER HEARD OF THE BUM.

- NO OFFENSE, BUT YOU
SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT

ABOUT MIGHTY MOUSE.

- THE BOXING CAREER OF
MAYNARD G. KREBS WAS UNDER WAY.

THE BIG SLOB HE HIT TURNED
COLD, AND MAYNARD TURNED PRO.

BUT LIKE ANY OTHER
HUNGRY YOUNG FIGHTER,

HE HAD TO GET
HIMSELF A REPUTATION.

SO MAYNARD, HIS
MANAGER, HERBERT T. GILLIS,

AND A BOTTLE OF ONE-A-DAY,
TURTLE MIRACLE PILLS

STARTED ON A HISTORY-MAKING
JOURNEY ACROSS THE COUNTRY.

[CROWD CHEERING]

- ALMOST OVERNIGHT HE BECAME THE
NATION'S NUMBER ONE SPORTS HERO.

EVERY SCHOOL CHILD COULD
RECITE HIS PHYSICAL DIMENSIONS,

WAIST 28, HIPS 28, CHEST 28.

HOLLYWOOD WAS PREPARING
A NEW SCREEN EPIC,

THE MAYNARD G. KREBS STORY,

TO STAR EITHER CARY
GRANT, SIR LAURENCE OLIVIER,

OR MAYNARD'S PERSONAL
CHOICE FOR THE PART, BETTE DAVIS.

MEANWHILE BACK AT THE CAMPUS,

DR. BURKHART CONTINUED CHECKING
THE EFFECTS OF THE TURTLE PILLS.

- THAT'S RIGHT, GENERAL,

THE MICE HAVE BEEN GIVEN A
PILL A DAY FOR 50 DAYS NOW.

YES, THEY'RE IN
MAGNIFICENT CONDITION.

[GROWLING]

- SIR, I KNOW THE
PENTAGON IS ANXIOUS,

BUT WHO CAN FORESEE
WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN

IF THE PILLS FELL INTO
THE WRONG HANDS?

- HERE YOU ARE, KILLER,

YOUR PEPPER UPPERS FOR THE
BIGGEST FIGHT OF YOUR CAREER.

YOU GET PAST THIS GUY,

AND YOUR NEXT OPPONENT IS
NUMBER ONE, ROCKY FERONI.

- ME, HE DON'T SCARE.

- HE'S SITTING RIGHT OVER THERE.

- OH, ME, HE SCARES.

- OH, YOU'VE GOT NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT, BOY.

YOU ARE A SAVAGE BEAST.

NOW, GET IN THERE AND
MURDER THIS FELLOW.

NOT NOW.

[BELL RINGS]

- NOW!

- ROCKY BABY, ARE YOU
FOR SURE GOING TO FIGHT

THAT SPOOKY LOOKING
KREBS IF HE SHOULD WIN?

- WELL, I GOTTA BABY, I'M
A VERY ETHICAL FIGHTER.

ALSO, I WILL MAKE A FORTUNE.

- BUT IT WON'T BE FAIR.

YOU COULD KNOCK HIM
CLEAR OUT OF THE STADIUM

JUST BY LOOKING AT HIM.

- YEAH, I KNOW. I'M
STRONG LIKE FIVE, SIX BULLS.

[CROWD CHATTER]

- ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, FIVE, SIX,

SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, TEN, OUT!

THE WINNER!

[CHEERING]

- MAYNARD G. KREBS, WHO MEETS
THE NUMBER ONE CONTENDER,

ROCKY FERONI,

IN THIS RING, ONE
MONTH FROM TONIGHT.

[CHEERING]

- ROCKY BABY, YOU'LL MURDER HIM.

- I WILL, I WILL, I WILL.

WON'T I?

- A SKINNY, DRIED UP, HELPLESS
BEANPOLE LIKE MAYNARD

FIGHT A BIG BRUISING,
MUSCLE-BOUND OX

LIKE ROCKY FERONI?

RIDICULOUS.

THE BOXING COMMISSION AND
THE PUBLIC AND THE NEWSPAPERS

AND THE SPCA AREN'T
GOING TO STAND FOR IT.

THEY WOULDN'T.

THEY COULDN'T.

THEY DID.

- ROCKY BABY, YOU GOT TO
RELAX. I JUST NICKED A PINKY.

- OOH, HIDE IT.

YOU KNOW I CAN'T STAND
THE SIGHT OF BLOOD.

HOW CAN I RELAX?

EVERY MINUTE, SLEEPING OR AWAKE,

KEEP SEEING THE FACE
OF THAT CREEPY KREBS.

IT'S HORRIBLE.

- YEAH. HE IS PRETTY
STRANGE LOOKING.

- NO, NO, I MEAN, IT'S HORRIBLE

WHAT CAN HAPPEN IN THAT
RING TOMORROW NIGHT.

IT'S NOT THAT I'M EXACTLY
JUMPY OR NERVOUS OR FIDGETY.

WHAT I AM IS SCARED STIFF.

- OH, ROCKY BABY, YOU GOT
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

YOU'RE A CINCH.

YOU'RE NUMBER ONE.

- BUT FOR HOW LONG?

EVERYBODY'S BETTING ON
KREBS, INCLUDING MY MOTHER.

- YOU KNOW, THERE IS
SOMETHING SPOOKY ABOUT HIM.

I MEAN, NOBODY WHO FIGHTS
LIKE HIM COULD LOOK LIKE HIM.

YOU GOTTA HAVE A GIMMICK.

- YEAH, THAT'S IT, A
GIMMICK. BUT WHAT?

- THAT'S WHAT I'M
GOING TO FIND OUT.

- HOW, LOLA BABY?

- HIS ROOM IS ON THE
14TH FLOOR OF THIS HOTEL.

I'M GOING TO UP AND SEE
HIM SOMETIME, LIKE NOW.

HELLO THERE TALL, DARK

AND WHATEVER ELSE
IT IS THAT YOU ARE.

- LIKE, THANK YOU,
AND CALL AGAIN.

- I MEAN, YOU HANDSOME.

- OH, SURELY YOU JEST, MA'AM.

- THE NAME IS LOLA LAVERNE,
BUT YOU CAN CALL ME CUDDLES.

- WELL, MY NAME IS
MAYNARD G. KREBS,

AND YOU CAN CALL ME MR. KREBS.

HEY, AIN'T YOU ROCKY
FERONI'S POTATO?

- THAT'S TOMATO AND
LET'S JUST SAY THAT I WAS.

MIND IF I COME IN?

- THERE AIN'T
NOBODY HERE BUT ME.

- THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I HAD IN MIND.

WE'RE ALL ALONE, HUH?

- OH, EXCEPT FOR CYNTHIA.
HE'S MY PETRIFIED FROG.

YOU WANT TO SEE HIM?

- NO SWEETIE, LATER.

WHY DON'T YOU AND ME JUST PLAY.

- NOW, IF YOU WERE A HEALTHY,
RED-BLOODED, YOUNG AMERICAN BOY,

AND A FINE LOOKING,
FRIENDLY BLONDE

LIKE LOLA LAVERNE DROPPED IN,

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

YEP, ME TOO.

BUT WHEN LOLA SAID TO MY
FRIEND, MAYNARD G. KREBS,

WHY DON'T YOU AND ME JUST PLAY,

THAT'S JUST WHAT THEY DID.

- MAYNARD, BABY,
WE'VE BEEN PLAYING

THIS DOPEY GAME FOR HOURS.

ISN'T THERE SOMETHING
ELSE WE CAN DO?

- WANT TO SEE ME WIGGLE MY EARS?
- NO, LATER.

WHY DON'T WE JUST TALK.

- OH, I'M BETTER AT
WIGGLING MY EARS.

- TELL ME ABOUT
YOURSELF, BIG BOY.

- AHA!

- AHA, WHAT?

- TELL ME ABOUT
YOURSELF, BIG BOY.

THEM ARE THE WORDS
A SULTRY SIREN USES

ON THE LATE LATE SHOW

WHEN SHE'S TRYING TO
WORM SECRET INFORMATION

OUT OF THE FINE, UPSTANDING,
RED-BLOODED AMERICAN HERO,

A CHAP RATHER LIKE MYSELF.

- FASCINATING. DOES IT WORK?

- DOES IT WORK?

IN ONE WEEK ALONE, JEAN
HARLOW WORMED 37 SECRETS

OUT OF HUMPHREY BOGART.

- NO.
- YEAH.

BUT IT AIN'T GONNA WORK
ON ME, ON ACCOUNT OF I'M HIP.

I WATCH TELEVISION.

- WELL, I DON'T KNOW
NOTHING ABOUT SUCH THINGS.

I HAVE LED A VERY
SHELTERED LIFE.

MY DADDY WAS A MISSIONARY.
- OH.

WELL, I'M AN EXPERT,
SO LISTEN REAL GOOD.

THE NEXT STEP BY
THE SULTRY SIREN

IS WHEN SHE STARTS
ASKING QUESTIONS

ABOUT THE HEROES
DEEP DARK SECRET.

- LIKE WHAT?

- WELL, LIKE, IF I WAS THE
CAT SHE WAS SULTRY SIRENING

AND SHE'D SAY,

"HOW COME A SKINNY SCHNOOK
LIKE YOU CAN FIGHT SO GOOD?"

- NO.
- YEAH.

AND THEN THE POOR WEAK
SCHNOOK LOOKS INTO HER BIG EYES,

LIKE THIS, AND SAYS, "I
AIN'T ALLOWED TO TELL,

BUT I'M STRONG ON ACCOUNT OF
THE SPECIAL PILLS I'VE BEEN TAKING."

- UNBELIEVABLE.

- YEAH, THEN SHE
SNIGGLES CLOSER AND SAYS,

"WHAT ARE THEM
SPECIAL PILLS MADE OF?"

- AND HE TELLS HER.
- SURE.

IF SHE SNIGGLES
CLOSE ENOUGH HE SAYS,

"THEY'RE MADE OUT
OF OLD TURTLES,

"AND IF I KEEP
TAKING ONE PILL A DAY,

I'LL BE STRONG AS AN OX."

- AMAZING.

- YEAH. AND THEN SHE GOES
FOR THE JACKPOT QUESTION.

SHE SITS IN HIS LAP AND
WHISPERS IN HIS EAR.

- LIKE THIS?

- SORT OF.

AND THEN SHE SAYS, LOVER BABY,

WHERE DO YOU HIDE
THEM MAGIC TURTLE PILLS.

- LOVER BABY, WHERE DO YOU
HIDE THEM MAGIC TURTLE PILLS?

- OH IN MY MANAGER'S BAG, A
WHOLE SNOOT FULL OF THEM.

AND YOU DIDN'T
BELIEVE IT WOULD WORK,

OH, YOU SWEET INNOCENT
CHILD OF NATURE.

HOW LITTLE YOU KNOW OF THE
REAL WORLD OF THE LATE LATE SHOW.

- MAYNARD DUMPLING, I
WAS A FOOL TO DOUBT YOU.

YOU ARE ONE IN A MILLION.

- YES. I AM QUITE ASTOUNDING,
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE.

THIS LAME-BRAINED SCHNOOK
STILL DOESN'T KNOW HE'S BEEN TAKEN,

SO SHE SAYS, "DARLING,
CAN I HAVE A DRINK?

SOMETHING TALL AND
COOL." SHE AIN'T THIRSTY.

SHE JUST WANTS TO GET
HIM OUT OF THE ROOM.

- I'LL TRY IT.

DARLING, CAN I HAVE A DRINK,
SOMETHING TALL AND COOL?

I'M NOT THIRSTY. I JUST WANT
TO GET YOU OUT OF THE ROOM.

- RIGHT. ONE OF EACH COMING UP.

- BOY, HE'S SOMETHING
ELSE ALL TOGETHER.

- I'LL TAKE HIM IN TWO INNINGS.

- THAT'S ROUNDS, MAYNARD.

OPEN YOUR MOUTH, IT'S PILL TIME.

THEY AIN'T HERE.

- MR. G., YOU SHOULDN'T
SAY AIN'T. THEY AIN'T '?

- THE BOTTLE OF PILLS IS GONE
AND WITHOUT THEM, WE'RE GONE.

- OH, WHO NEEDS THEM PILLS.

I'M KILLER KREBS, I KNOCKED
OUT 11 STRAIGHT FIGHTERS,

OR WAS IT 24?

I DON'T COUNT TOO GOOD.

MY MUSCLES ARE STRONG,
BUT MY HEAD IS WEAK.

OH, BOY, LET ME AT
HIM. I'LL TEAR HIM APART.

- MAYNARD COME BACK HERE.

NOW, LISTEN... WHAT'S
THE MATTER, TIGER?

- OH, MY GLOVES,
THEY'RE VERY HEAVY.

ALL OF SUDDEN I DON'T FEEL LIKE

THE ENERGY OF THE
TURTLE NO MORE.

I FEEL LIKE THE OLD
MAYNARD G. KREBS AGAIN.

- OH, I GOTTA FIND THEM PILLS.

MAYNARD...

- HEY, FERONI'S GOT
THEM TURTLE PILLS, TOO.

WHAT AN AGE WE LIVE IN.

- YEAH. I GOTTA GO PHONE DOBIE,

TELL HIM TO GET A HOLD
OF THAT DR. BURKHART

SO SHE CAN TELL US
WHAT WE GOT TO DO.

- WELL, MAYBE YOU DON'T
HAVE TO GO PHONE DOBE.

LOOK, HE SENT YOU
THIS HERE TELEGRAM.

- WELL, WHY IN THE BLAZES
DIDN'T YOU GIVE IT TO ME BEFORE?

- YOU KNOW US FIGHTERS,
WE GET KIND OF PAUNCHY.

- THAT'S PUNCHY,

AND YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO START
FIGHTING TO GET THAT WAY.

DO NOT FEED MAYNARD
ANY MORE PILLS,

THEY ARE EXTREMELY DANGEROUS
ON 80th DAY AFTER MANUFACTURE.

THEY BACKFIRE AND DO TERRIBLE
THINGS TO WHOEVER TAKES THEM,

AND THIS IS THE 80th DAY.

- EIGHTY DAYS, IT'S
ALMOST A MONTH.

- OH, MAYNARD.

ALL THE MICE THAT HAVE BEEN
FED THE PILLS HAVE JUST COLLAPSED.

THE SAME WILL HAPPEN TO ANY
HUMAN BEING WHO TAKES THEM...

- HOW ABOUT ME?
- EVEN MAYNARD.

- OH, GOOD OLD DOBIE REMEMBERED.

- OH, REPEAT. ANYONE TAKING
THE PILLS NOW WILL COLLAPSE.

BEWARE.

MAYNARD, WE'RE IN.

- WHAT WE ARE IS
DEAD, ESPECIALLY ME.

- LISTEN, THOSE PILLS
THAT FERONI ARE TAKING

ARE GOING TO KNOCK HIM
COLDER THAN A MACKEREL,

SO IF WE CAN JUST STAY ALIVE
FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES,

WE GOT IT MADE.

- RIGHT CHIEF. STAY ALIVE?

[CROWD BOOING]

- STAY RIGHT BEHIND
HIM, MAYNARD!

- NEUTRAL CORNERS.

- ONE, TWO...

- MAYNARD! WHAT DO
THINK YOU'RE DOING?

- GET IN OR GET OUT.

- MAYNARD, GET BACK IN THERE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

COME ON NOW. MAYNARD,
WILL YOU PLEASE...

OH, FOR GOODNESS SAKE,
COME OFF IT NOW, MAYNARD.

GET IN.

THERE.

OH!

MAYNARD, HE HIT ME!

- ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE,

SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT,
NINE... [BELL RINGS]

- OH! YOU DID IT!

MAYNARD BABY, YOU DID IT.

ANY MINUTE THOSE PILLS
ARE GOING TO TAKE EFFECT

AND HE'LL BE WEAK AS A BABY.

FROM HERE ON IN
HE'S YOUR PIGEON.

- WELL, IF HE'S A
PIGEON, I'M CHICKEN.

[CLUCKING]

- COME ON, GET
HIM ON THAT STOOL.

- OH, YEAH, SURE.
COME ON, MAYNARD.

HERE YOU ARE.

- I'LL BE SEEING YOU AROUND.
- NO, MAYNARD!

MAYNARD. LOOK, HE'S GOING TO
COLLAPSE LIKE A BUSTED BALLOON.

NOW, GET IN THERE
AND GET HIM, CHAMP!

- RIGHT, CHIEF.

- LIKE, OW!

- SAVE THAT FOR HIS CHIN.

[BELL RINGS]

[CROWD CHATTER]

- COME ON, MAYNARD, GET UP.
FERONI'S PRACTICALLY DEAD.

- YOU KNOW IT AND I KNOW
IT, BUT DOES HE KNOW IT?

- MAYNARD, ANY SECOND
THOSE PILLS ARE GOING TO HIT HIM

AND HE'LL BE TOO
WEAK TO EVEN STAND UP.

- DON'T BOTHER WAKING ME
WHEN HE GETS TO EIGHT OR TEN,

I FORGET WHICH.

- MAYNARD, YOU ARE SLEEPING
AWAY A MILLION BUCKS YOU LAZY BUM.

NOW, MAYNARD...

THE PILLS ARE
BEGINNING TO GET TO HIM.

MAYNARD, DID YOU KNOW
THAT HE HATES MIGHTY HOUSE?

NO, NOT HIM!

HIM!

- OH!

- ONE, ONE, TWO, TWO...

- MAYNARD! GET UP, MAYNARD!

- THREE, THREE, FOUR, FOUR...

- MAYNARD, THE WAY HE'S COUNTING
HE'S GOING TO TEN FOR YOU FIRST!

- FIVE, SIX, SIX,
SEVEN, SEVEN...

- THE WAY HE'S COUNTING,
MAYBE YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET UP.

- EIGHT, EIGHT, NINE, NINE, TEN.

OUT!

[CROWD CHEERING]

- THE WINNER. ROCKY FERONI.

- YAY ROCKY!

- WELL, BACK TO THE
OLD GROCERY COUNTER.

- GOOD MORNING. WELL,
HOW ARE YOU TODAY, SIR?

- DOES THIS ANSWER
YOUR QUESTION?

- OH, PATIENT DISCHARGED,
FULLY RECOVERED.

TA TA, MR. GILLIS.

- AS YOU CAN SEE, I SUFFERED
NO HARMFUL EFFECTS

FROM MY LITTLE ENCOUNTER
WITH MAYNARD'S IRON FIST.

AS FOR MAYNARD HIMSELF,

WELL, HE NEVER DID
GET TO BE THE CHAMP,

BUT HIS REPUTATION
HAD BECOME SO GREAT

THAT HE WAS ALMOST A LEGEND.

NEVER HAD ONE FIGHTER GONE
SO FAR AND SO LONG WITH SO LITTLE,

SO THEY FIGURED HE
MUST BE PLENTY SMART,

AND THERE WAS IMPORTANT
PLACE FOR HIM IN THE FIGHT GAME.

- I'LL GET HIM THE NEXT
TIME, JUST WAIT, CHIEF.

FOLLOW ALL OF THE
INSTRUCTIONS JUST LIKE YOU SAID.

- ROCKY, ROCKY, ROCKY, YOU
GOTTA PUT MORE OOMPH INTO IT.

YOU'RE FIGHTING LIKE A TANKER.

NOW GET OUT THERE
AND MURDER THE BUM,

AND I DON'T WANT NO ALIBIS
LIKE BLOOD OR BROKEN BONES.

NOW, WHERE WAS
WE, MY SULTRY SIREN.