The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 4, Episode 30 - The Rice and Old Shoes Caper - full transcript

- DEARLY BELOVED, WE ARE
GATHERED HERE TODAY TO JOIN

THIS MAN AND THIS WOMAN IN
THE BONDS OF HOLY MATRIMONY.

FOR AS MUCH AS THESE TWO PERSONS
HAVE COME HITHER TO BE MADE ONE,

IF THERE'S ANYONE PRESENT
WHO CAN SHOW JUST CAUSE

WHY THEY MAY NOT BE
LAWFULLY JOINED TOGETHER,

LET HIM SPEAK NOW OR
FOREVER HOLD HIS PEACE.

[JAZZ THEME]

- NOPE. YOUR EYES AREN'T
PLAYING TRICKS ON YOU.

THIS IS A GENUINE CERTIFIED

RICE-THROWING,
PRESENT-GIVING WEDDING,

AND THE VICTIMS
ARE ZELDA GILROY,



WHOSE FIRST WORDS ON THE
DAY SHE LEARNED TO TALK WERE,

DOBIE GILLIS, WILL YOU MARRY ME,

AND MAYNARD G. KREBS, FOR
WHOM THEY INVENTED THE PHRASE,

I WOULDN'T MARRY HIM IF HE
WAS THE LAST MAN ON EARTH.

NOW, HOW DID THIS UNLIKELY
PAIR FIND THEMSELVES

IN SUCH AN UNLIKELY SITUATION?

WELL, IT ALL BEGAN ON
ZELDA'S 22nd BIRTHDAY.

- THAT'S 21st BIRTHDAY, AND
IF YOU WERE A GENTLEMAN,

YOU'D STOP COUNTING.

- MAKE A WISH, DAUGHTER,
AND YOU'LL FIND HAPPINESS.

- I KNOW THAT, AND I DID.

- BLOW HARD, DEAR,
AND IT'LL COME TRUE.

- I KNOW THAT, AND I WILL.

- I KNOW WHAT THE
WISH IS, AND GOODBYE.



- SPEECH! SPEECH!
- FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD!

- MAYNARD.

- DEAR PARENTS AND FRIENDS,
THANK YOU FOR THIS HAPPY DAY.

I HOPE THAT YOU'LL ALL BE
PRESENT ON AN EVEN HAPPIER DAY,

NAMELY MY WEDDING.

- HEAR HEAR!
- HEAR HEAR!

- BYE-BYE!

- ON THAT JOYOUS OCCASION,

I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE A
BIGGER CAKE, FANCIER DECORATIONS,

AND POSITIVELY NO
CHANGE IN PERSONNEL.

NOW IF YOU'LL ALL FOLLOW
ME OUT TO THE PORCH,

WE'LL START IN ON
THE BIRTHDAY CAKE.

I JUST WANTED TO THANK YOU
FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY PRESENT,

POOPSIE, IT WAS SO
THOUGHTFUL OF YOU.

- YOU'RE WELCOME, ZELDA,
BUT IT WAS REALLY NOTHING.

- TRUE, BUT THANKS ANYHOW.

- UH-HUH.
- SOME PRESENT.

A LIFETIME MEMBERSHIP
TO A LONELY HEART'S CLUB.

DOBIE, ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME

THAT YOU ACTUALLY
DON'T WANT TO MARRY ME?

- ACTUALLY, YES.
- ALL RIGHT, STUBBORN.

I SHALL BE FORCED TO
USE DESPERATE MEASURES,

NAMELY A BRILLIANT NEW SCHEME.

- FORGET IT, ZELDA,

IT'LL BOMB OUT LIKE ALL YOUR
OTHER BRILLIANT SCHEMES

TO TRAP ME.

- NOT THIS ONE. IT'S FOOLPROOF.

- THERE'S NO SUCH THING
AS A FOOLPROOF PLAN.

- THERE IS WHEN THE FOOL
IN THE PLAN IS MAYNARD.

- MAYNARD? MY MAYNARD?

- OF COURSE, HOW MANY FOOLS
NAMED MAYNARD DO WE KNOW?

NOW HEAR THIS. I'M GONNA USE HIM

TO GET YOU TO MARRY ME.

CLEVER, HUH?
- CLEVER HOW?

- OOH, I'M PROUD OF THIS ONE.

NOW, TELL ME, WHAT DOES
MAYNARD LOVE AND CHERISH

MOST IN THIS WORLD?

- HIS PETRIFIED FROG.

- NO. I'M TALKING ABOUT
LARGER CONCEPTS.

WHAT HE LOVES AND CHERISHES MOST
IS HIS FREEDOM AND INDEPENDENCE,

TRUE?
- TRUE.

- AND YOU AS HIS FRIEND,
WOULD DO ANYTHING,

I REPEAT, ANYTHING TO PROTECT
THAT FREEDOM AND INDEPENDENCE,

TRUE?
- TRUE.

MAYNARD JUST WOULDN'T
BE MAYNARD IF HE LOST THEM.

- AHA! BUT IF HE GOT MARRIED

HE'D LOSE THEM, WOULDN'T HE?

- TRUE. BUT MAYNARD GET MARRIED?

NOBODY'D EVER MARRY
MAYNARD, SO HE'S PERFECTLY...

ZELDA, YOU WOULDN'T.

- WOULDN'T I?
- YOU COULDN'T.

- COULDN'T I?
- YOU COULD.

- YOU BET I COULD AND I WILL.

I'LL GET HIM TO PROPOSE TO ME,

AND THEN THERE WILL BE
ONLY ONE WAY TO SAVE HIM.

YOU'LL HAVE TO MARRY ME INSTEAD.

- ZELDA, YOU'RE A FIEND.

PLEASE DON'T DO THIS
TERRIBLE THING TO...

OH, WHAT AM I SO WORRIED ABOUT?

MAYNARD WILL NEVER
PROPOSE TO YOU.

- JUST WAIT.
- OH, I'LL ADMIT,

HE MAY NOT BE THE
SMARTEST FELLA IN THE WORLD.

- I'LL BUY THAT.

- BUT HE DOES HAVE A KIND
OF BASIC ANIMAL INTELLIGENCE.

- LIKE, HI, ANT. HOW
WAS THE PICNIC?

HOW DID I KNOW
YOU WAS ON A PICNIC?

NO OFFENSE, BUT YOU GOT
MUSTARD ON YOUR WHISKERS.

THERE, YOU'RE ALL
NICE AND CLEAN,

A GENUINE GENTLEMAN ANT, HUH?

A TEN-COURSE OUTDOOR
SHINDIG TOMORROW?

GEE, THANKS FOR THE INVITE, ANT,

BUT I'D RATHER STAY HOME AND
GET MUSTARD ON MY WHISKERS.

I MEAN, PICNICS JUST AIN'T
WHAT THEY USED TO BE.

PEOPLE SHOW UP.

MAYBE NEXT TIME.

KEEP IN TOUCH,
MANY-LEGGED BUDDY,

EVEN IF IT'S ONLY A POSTCARD.

- HI, MAYNARD, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING?

- I WAS TALKING TO A FRIENDLY
ANT, AND GO AHEAD AND SAY IT.

- SAY WHAT?
- WHAT EVERYBODY SAYS.

MAYNARD, YOU
CAN'T TALK TO AN ANT,

YOU'RE A KNOTHEAD, OR...

- WHY SHOULD I SAY
A THING LIKE THAT?

- ANYBODY WHO UNDERSTANDS
INSECTS IS A NINCOMPOOP.

- WELL, IF YOU SAY YOU
CAN UNDERSTAND INSECTS,

YOU CAN UNDERSTAND INSECTS.
- SOMETIMES THEY SAY

ANIMALS CAN'T TALK...

YOU BELIEVE I CAN
TALK TO AN ANT?

- OF COURSE, DOESN'T EVERYBODY?

- DON'T NOBODY EXCEPT ME.
- WELL, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

ANTS OR ANY ANIMALS WILL TALK
TO ANYONE WHO'S WILLING TO LISTEN,

LIKE YOU.

- OH, FOR JOY, FOR
JOY! I FOUND A BELIEVER!

GLORIOSKI AND EUROPA.

- MAYNARD, THAT ANT
THAT JUST WALKED AWAY,

WHERE WAS HE FROM?

- INDIANA. THAT'S
IN MINNEAPOLIS.

- GOOD COUNTRY, ESPECIALLY FOR
FAMILY ANTS WITH SMALL CHILDREN.

- ZELD, ALL OF A SUDDEN,

YOU LOOK ALTOGETHER
DIFFERENT TO ME.

- NAH, MAYNARD.
IT'S THE SAME OLD ME.

SWEET, KIND, LOVABLE,
UNDERSTANDING,

SAME OLD ME I'VE ALWAYS BEEN.

- AND YOU LISTEN TO ANTS.
YOU'RE A GREAT AMERICAN

LIKE GEORGE WASHINGTON
AND ABRAHAM LINCOLN,

OR PETER LAWFORD.

- THEN I CAN SAFELY ASSUME,
MAYNARD, THAT YOU LIKE ME?

- TRUE.
- AND YOU CONSIDER ME A FRIEND?

- TRUE.
- AND YOU'LL MARRY ME?

- UNTRUE.

MARRY YOU?

ZELD, YOU GONE WIG.

- MAYNARD, PIPE
DOWN WHILE I TELL YOU

WHY YOU ARE GOING TO MARRY ME.

- HO HO HO HO HO, NEVER.
- HO HO HO HO HO, WAIT!

- HO HO HO HO HO,
I WANT MY MOTHER.

- MAYNARD, YOU NEED A
WIFE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU,

TIE YOUR SHOELACES, DIAL
THE TELEPHONE FOR YOU,

MAKE CHANGE FOR YOU SO
YOU CAN GET ON THE STREETCAR

AND LIKE THAT, TRUE?
- FALSE.

I ALREADY GOT SOMEBODY
LIKE THAT, NAMELY DOBE,

SO THERE, HA HA.

- TRUE. DOBIE DID DO
THOSE THINGS FOR YOU.

- RIGHT.

HE DID?
- DID.

BUT EVERYTHING'S GONNA CHANGE
NOW THAT HE'S ABOUT TO LEAVE.

- LEAVE?

OLD DOBE AIN'T GOING NO PLACE.

WHERE'S HE GOING?

- WHEREVER HIS
WIFE WANTS TO LIVE.

- NAH, DOBE AIN'T GOT NO WIFE.

WIFE? WHAT WIFE?

- THEN DOBIE WILL HAVE NO
TIME TO WATCH OUT FOR YOU

WHAT WITH FIVE OR SIX KIDS.

- KIDS? WHAT KIDS?
- IT HASN'T HAPPENED YET,

BUT ANY MINUTE NOW
HE'LL BE A MARRIED MAN.

- YEAH, DOBE'S ALL THE
TIME PROPOSING TO CHICKS,

AND ONE OF THESE TIMES ONE
OF THEM'S GOING TO SAY YES.

- RIGHT. AND WHERE
DOES THAT LEAVE YOU?

- WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
WHEREVER DOBE GOES, I GOES.

- DO YOU THINK HIS WIFE
WILL SIT STILL FOR THAT?

- WIFE? WHAT WIFE?

- SHE'LL HAVE ENOUGH ON HER
HANDS WITH ALL THOSE KIDS.

- KIDS? WHAT KIDS?

- YOU'LL BE ALL ALONE, MAYNARD.

ALL ALONE AND LONELY.

- ME? LOVABLE LIKABLE
MAYNARD G. KREBS

WHO EVERYBODY LOVES AND LIKES
AND WAVES WHEN THEY SEE ME?

- YEAH, YOU. LOVABLE,
LIKABLE MAYNARD G. KREBS

WHO EVERYBODY LOVES AND LIKES
AND WAVES AT WHEN THEY SEE YOU.

- YEAH. THAT'S THE FELLA.

- SURE, THEY LIKE YOU
AND WAVE AT YOU NOW

BECAUSE YOU'RE KIND
OF A CUTE CHARACTER

WITH A BEARD AND SNEAKERS,

BUT WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN WHEN
THE BEARD STARTS TO TURN GRAY?

- ME, OLD GRAYBEARD?

- AND THE SNEAKERS START
TO GET OLD AND TATTERED?

- ME, OLD TATTERED SNEAKERS?

- THEN YOU'LL BE
NOTHING BUT A JOKE,

AND AN OLD JOKE AT THAT.

NOW YOU'RE YOUNG, YOU'RE
KIND OF CUTE AND FUNNY,

BUT WHEN YOU GET
OLD YOU'LL BE PATHETIC.

- THAT COULD HAPPEN TO LIKABLE,

LOVABLE MAYNARD G. KREBS
WHO EVERYBODY LIKES AND...

- ENOUGH, MAYNARD, AND YES.

NOW THEY WAVE AT YOU,
THEN THEY'LL LAUGH AT YOU.

- LIKE, WOW IS ME.

- YOU'LL BE ALL ALONE AND LONELY
WITH NO ONE TO CARE FOR YOU.

- LIKE, WOW IS ME.
- HOW WILL IT LOOK,

AN OLD MAN YOUR AGE
ALL ALONE AND LONELY

TRYING TO BE A CUTE CHARACTER?

WELL, IT'S ENOUGH TO
MAKE A PERSON CRY.

AND FINALLY THEY'LL HAVE TO COME

TAKE YOU AWAY TO
THE OLD FOLKS' HOME.

YOU'LL BE ALONE AND
LONELY WITH NO ONE TO CARE

WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU.

- LIKE, ALAS AND
ALACK, LIKE, WOW IS ME.

- YOU WANT SOMEONE
TO HELP YOU, YOU SAY?

- LIKE YES, LIKE YES.

- YOU WANT SOMEONE TO CARE
FOR YOU AND COMFORT YOU

IN YOUR OLD AGE, YOU SAY?

- LIKE PLEASE, LIKE PLEASE.
- ONCE MORE.

- LIKE PLEASE, LIKE PLEASE.

- VERY WELL, MAYNARD,
YOUR PLAINTIVE CRY FOR HELP

HAS TOUCHED MY
HEART. I'LL MARRY YOU.

- LIKE, THANKS.
LIKE... HEY, ZELD?

- YES, MAYNARD?
YES, MY BETROTHED?

- HOW COME ALL OF A
SUDDEN I GOT A FUNNY FEELING

I BEEN SNOOKERED?
- CAN THE CHATTER

AND LET'S GET ON
WITH THE PROPOSAL.

NOW THERE'S JUST
ONE THING MISSING.

- THE RING?
- THE RING.

- OKAY, WHERE IS IT?
- HERE.

- RIGHT. HEY, IN THE MOVIES,

THEY ALWAYS GET DOWN ON ONE
KNEE WHEN THEY'RE PROPOSING.

- WELL, THAT'S...
THAT'S THE CUSTOM.

- WELL, JUST DON'T STAND
THERE GIRL, GET WITH IT.

- MAYNARD G. KREBS,
WILT THOU MARRY ME?

- ZELDA G. GILROY, I... I...

- YOU WILT. YOU WILT.
- I WILT?

- THAT'S IT! YOU SAID IT!

THAT'S IT, YOU PROPOSED.

MAYNARD, WE'RE
PRACTICALLY MAN AND WIFE.

- HEY, HOW ABOUT THAT?
AND I CAN'T EVEN COOK.

- MAYNARD G. KREBS AND
ZELDA GILROY MAN AND WIFE?

WE WERE ALL SURPRISED,

EXCEPT MY FOLKS WHO HAD
KNOWN MAYNARD AND ZELDA

ALL THEIR LIVES.

THEY RECEIVED THE NEWS

WITH APPROPRIATE
DIGNITY AND SOLEMNITY.

- MAYNARD AND ZELDA?

OH, COME NOW.

- HERBERT, STOP THAT.

IT'S NOTHING TO LAUGH ABOUT.
- OH, NO?

WELL, JUST THINK ABOUT
IT FOR A FEW MINUTES.

MAYNARD AND ZELDA
GETTING MARRIED.

COME NOW.

- MAYNARD AND ZELDA.

IT IS RATHER FUNNY, ISN'T IT?

ZELDA AND MAYNARD.

MAYNARD AND ZELDA.

OH, NO!

ZELDA AND MAYNARD
GETTING MARRIED.

- ZELDA GILROY
GREW UP IN OUR TOWN.

SHE'S ADMIRED AND
RESPECTED BY ONE AND ALL.

SO WHEN THE NEWS GOT AROUND
THAT SHE WAS MARRYING MAYNARD,

THE CITIZENS OF THE COMMUNITY

WERE QUICK TO EXPRESS THEIR
FEELINGS ABOUT THE BRIDEGROOM.

WHEN THE MAYOR AND CITY
COUNCIL HEARD THE NEWS,

THEY CALLED AN
EMERGENCY MEETING.

AFTER A BRIEF DISCUSSION,

THEY VOTED A SPECIAL
FUND TO BUY MAYNARD

A SUITABLE WEDDING PRESENT.

HOWEVER, THE TWO PEOPLE WHOSE
OPINIONS REALLY COUNTED WERE,

OF COURSE, ZELDA'S
PARENTS, MR. AND MRS. GILROY.

I AM HAPPY TO REPORT
THAT THEY TOOK THE NEWS

IN A MANNER TYPICAL OF SOLID,

SUBSTANTIAL,
AMERICAN PARENTHOOD.

BUT MR. GILROY, AN
INFANTRY SOLDIER

WHO FOUGHT BRAVELY
AGAINST THE JAPANESE,

WAS NOT A MAN TO WEEP FOR LONG.

SOON HIS MOOD CHANGED.

NATURALLY, MR. GILROY
SOON REALIZED

THAT USING THAT CEREMONIAL
SWORD FOR SELF-DESTRUCTION

WAS NO ANSWER TO THE PROBLEM.

A FAR MORE EFFECTIVE
IDEA OCCURRED TO HIM.

AND WHAT ABOUT MAYNARD'S
PARENTS, MR. AND MRS. KREBS,

SYMPATHETICALLY REFERRED
TO IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

AS "THOSE POOR SOULS."

WHAT DID THEY DO WHEN
THEY HEARD THE NEWS?

WELL, I MEAN NO DISRESPECT,

BUT I MUST IN ALL HONESTY
DESCRIBE THEIR ACTIONS

AS COWARDLY.

THEY HOPPED ON THE
FIRST TRAIN TO ANYPLACE

AND LEFT TOWN IN A HURRY.

BOY, DID THEY LEAVE
TOWN IN A HURRY.

BUT I, THE BEST
FRIEND, KEPT MY HEAD.

I REFUSED TO PANIC.

I KNEW THERE WAS
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

YOU SEE, MAYNARD HAS ENORMOUS
RESPECT FOR MY OPINIONS.

MY SLIGHTEST WORD
IS HIS COMMAND.

WHEN I, HIS GOOD BUDDY,
ADVISED HIM NOT TO MARRY ZELDA,

WHAT ELSE COULD HE ANSWER BUT...

- GET LOST.

- MY FRIEND, MAYNARD G. KREBS,

IS A FINE, DECENT,
HONORABLE FELLA.

I JUST WISH HE'D BE A FINE AND
DECENT AND HONORABLE FELLA

SOMEPLACE ELSE, PREFERABLY
ON ANOTHER CONTINENT.

I MEAN, WITH A HUMAN
BEING LIKE HIM FOR A FRIEND,

I'M ALL FOR BE KIND
TO ANIMALS WEEK.

BUT HE HAD PROBLEMS, AND
I HAD TO STAND BEHIND HIM,

BUT NOT FAR ENOUGH BEHIND HIM.

- VAMOOSE, TRAITOR, GO BACK
TO YOUR WIFE AND FIVE KIDS.

- WIFE? WHAT WIFE?
- OR IS IT 11 KIDS?

COUNTING AIN'T
SOMETHING I'M TOO GOOD AT.

- NEITHER IS ENGLISH,
AND PAY ATTENTION.

DO YOU MIND? DO YOU MIND?

MAYNARD, THE WHOLE IDEA

OF YOU AND ZELDA GETTING
MARRIED IS RIDICULOUS,

AND I WANT YOU TO FORGET
ABOUT IT IMMEDIATELY.

- BUT WHY, DOBE?

OLD ZELD SAYS MARRYING HER
WILL BE A FINE, HELPFUL THING FOR ME.

- HOW COULD MARRYING
HER POSSIBLY HELP YOU?

- WELL, SHE COULD
TAKE CARE OF ME.

I MEAN, SHE COULD,
LIKE, TIE MY SHOELACES

AND KEEP A ROOF UNDER MY HEAD,

AND STOP ME FROM
BECOMING A PUBLIC CHARGE

SLEEPING ON PARK BENCHES

AND TURNING INTO AN
OLD LONELY PERSON,

LIVING IN AN OLD
LONELY PERSON'S HOME.

DO YOU STILL THINK I
SHOULDN'T MARRY HER?

- HMM.

- HMM, WHAT, DOBE?

- HMM, MAYBE SHE'S GOT A POINT.

- HMM, MAYBE I BETTER
SAY I DO REAL QUICK

BEFORE SHE FINDS
SOMEBODY BETTER.

- HMM... NO. NO. NO, MAYNARD.

WHAT DOES A FELLA LIKE
YOU NEED WITH MARRIAGE?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN
A FELLA LIKE ME?

WHAT'S SO DIFFERENT ABOUT
ME? I'M A HUMAN PERSON.

I'M ENTITLED.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'M ENTITLED TO,

BUT I'M ENTITLED.

- MAYNARD, THAT
ISN'T WHAT I MEANT.

- SURE, I THINK I KNOW
WHAT I'M ENTITLED TO,

ALL THE THINGS YOU OTHER
FELLAS ARE ENTITLED TO,

RIGHT?
- RIGHT.

- AND IF I DON'T GET
'EM WHEN I GET MARRIED,

I'LL GET THEM AFTER
I MOVE IN WITH YOU

AFTER YOU GET MARRIED, RIGHT?

- MAYNARD, DID IT
EVER OCCUR TO YOU

THAT SOMETIMES I DO
AN AWFUL LOT OF TALKING

WITH VERY LITTLE THINKING?

- OFTEN, DOBE. OFTEN.
PRACTICALLY ALWAYS.

- OKAY, OKAY. SO
MAYBE GETTING MARRIED

WOULD BE A GOOD THING
FOR YOU, BUT NOT TO ZELDA.

BELIEVE ME, MAYNARD,
NOT TO ZELDA.

- WHY NOT? OLD
ZELD AIN'T SO BAD.

HER HEART'S IN THE RIGHT PLACE.

IT'S THE REST OF HER THAT
AIN'T PUT TOGETHER TOO GOOD.

- NOW, LISTEN TO ME, MAYNARD...

- SHE MUST LIKE ME
AND WANT TO HELP ME,

OR ELSE WHY DID SHE GET DOWN
ON ONE KNEE AND NOT SING "MAMMY"?

- ALL RIGHT, MAYNARD.

YOU ASKED FOR IT,
AND I'M GONNA TELL YOU.

ZELDA PROPOSED TO YOU BECAUSE...

- YES, DOBIE. GO
AHEAD AND TELL HIM.

- YOU BET I'LL TELL HIM.

- TELL HIM I DON'T REALLY
WANT TO TAKE CARE OF HIM.

TELL HIM I DON'T
GIVE A DARN FOR HIM.

TELL HIM I'M JUST USING HIM
FOR MY OWN EVIL PURPOSES.

GO AHEAD, TELL HIM.
- YOU BET I'LL TELL HIM.

- RIGHT. TELL HIM
AND BREAK HIS HEART.

- YOU BET I'LL...

ZELDA, YOU'RE A LOW-DOWN RAT.

- I PREFER TO THINK
OF MYSELF AS A WOMAN

FIGHTING DESPERATELY
FOR HER MATE.

- OLD ZELD REALLY LIKES ME

AND WANTS TO DO ALL
THEM THINGS FOR ME,

DON'T SHE, DOBE? DON'T SHE?

- YES, MAYNARD.
SHE DOES LIKE YOU.

SHE DOES WANT TO DO
ALL THOSE THINGS FOR YOU.

- NATURALLY. YOU
SEE, I'M QUITE LOVABLE.

- COME, MAYNARD, MY BELOVED,

WE HAVE OODLES OF SHOPPING
TO DO FOR OUR HONEYMOON.

- AH, YES, THE FUTURE MRS.
MAYNARD G. KREBS, MY BRIDE.

LET US AWAY TO CHOOSE
MY WEDDING TORSO.

- THAT'S TROUSSEAU, MY SWEET,
AND YOU SAY THE CUTEST THINGS.

TA-TA, DOBIE, AND... BETTER
DUST OFF YOUR GOOD SUIT.

AT THE WEDDING,
YOU'LL BE THE BEST MAN.

- THERE OUGHT TO BE A
LAW AGAINST THAT ZELDA,

THERE JUST OUGHT TO.

- DAD, SHE'S REALLY
GOT ME OVER A BARREL.

- YEAH? WELL, WHILE
YOU'RE OVER THERE,

PICK UP A COUPLE
OF DOZEN PICKLES.

YOU AIN'T DONE THREE HOURS
OF HONEST WORK AROUND HERE...

- HERBERT, YOUR
SON HAS A PROBLEM,

SO LISTEN TO HIM AND
SEE IF YOU CAN HELP HIM.

- I'M LISTENING, I'M LISTENING.
- YOU SEE, DAD,

IF MAYNARD DOESN'T BACK OUT
OF THE MARRIAGE BY SUNDAY,

I'LL HAVE TO STEP IN.

- SO WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

MAYNARD AIN'T
READY FOR MARRIAGE.

- BUT I'D HAVE TO
MARRY ZELDA INSTEAD.

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH
THAT? SHE'S A NICE KID.

- BUT IF I MARRIED HER, WE'D
HAVE TO MOVE IN HERE WITH YOU,

AND YOU'D HAVE TO SUPPORT
US FOR TWO OR THREE YEARS.

- THERE OUGHT TO BE A
LAW AGAINST THAT ZELDA,

THERE REALLY OUGHT TO.

- HERBERT, BE SENSIBLE.

WE HAVE TO CONVINCE MAYNARD

THAT MARRIAGE TO ZELDA
WOULD BE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.

- RIGHT, SO I'LL HAVE
A LONG TALK WITH HIM,

AND WHEN I GET THROUGH
HE'LL BE CONVINCED

THAT MARRIAGE TO
ANYBODY IS A MISTAKE.

- HERBERT.

- NO. NO, WINNIE. YOU
KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

- YES. OF COURSE I DO, DEAR.
- GOOD.

- AND YOU OUGHT TO BE
ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.

- OH, NOW, LISTEN, WINNIE.

- PLEASE, PLEASE,
NO FAMILY SQUIBBLING.

I AM SOON TO BE A
HAPPY BRIDEGROOM,

AND I LOOK UPON MARRIAGE

AS A FINE, NOBLE, LOVABLE
INSTITUTION OF LIFE,

AND THAT'S THE WAY IT
TRULY IS, ISN'T IT, MR. G?

- YOU BET, MAYNARD.

MARRIAGE IS THE
BIGGEST MISTAKE...

- HERBERT, YOU ARE
MUCH TOO EAGER.

I WILL TELL HIM.

- OH, KILLJOY.

- MAYNARD, DEAR,

YOU KNOW WE WISH YOU ALL
THE HAPPINESS IN THE WORLD,

BUT ARE YOU SURE, DEAR,

THAT MARRIAGE IS THE
RIGHT STEP FOR YOU?

- NO, MRS. G. I AIN'T SURE
AT ALL ABOUT MARRIAGE,

BUT I AM SURE I DON'T WANT
TO BE ALONE AND ALL LONELY

THE REST OF MY
NATURAL BORN DAYS.

IT AIN'T RIGHT FOR ME.

I MEAN, BEING LIKE THAT
IS ALL SAD AND WRONG,

AND NOT FIT FOR A
HUMAN PERSON, EVEN ME.

AND GETTING MARRIED IS
MUCH BETTER THAN THAT,

AIN'T IT, MRS. G?

- HMM.
- GO AHEAD, MOM, TELL HIM.

- GO AHEAD, WINNIE, TELL HIM.

- ON THE OTHER HAND, MAYNARD,

MARRIAGE IS A
TERRIFIC ADJUSTMENT.

TWO PEOPLE HAVE TO GET
TO KNOW ONE ANOTHER,

AND IT'S VERY DIFFICULT.

- AND I'M A FELLA WHO'S JUST
ABOUT THE MOST DIFFICULTEST.

I MEAN, LOOK AT THESE CLOTHES,

AND I COLLECT TINFOIL
AND PLAY BONGOS

AND WATCH THEM
PAINT THE WHITE LINE

DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET.

SO I GUESS YOU COULD
SAY GETTING USED TO ME

IS ABOUT THE HARDEST
THING A WIFE COULD DO,

HUH, MRS. G.?

- YES, MAYNARD. I GUESS
YOU COULD SAY THAT.

SO YOU SEE, DEAR...
- BUT ON THE OTHER HAND,

IF I FOUND A GREAT CHICK WHO
WAS WILLING TO PUT UP WITH ME,

I OUGHT TO GRAB HER
AND MARRY HER QUICK

BECAUSE I MIGHT NOT EVER
FIND ANOTHER CHICK LIKE THAT

IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE
LIFE, RIGHT, MRS. G?

- HMM.
- GO AHEAD, MOM, TELL HIM.

- GO AHEAD, WINNIE, TELL HIM.

- HERBERT, HE'S MAKING
FAR TOO MUCH SENSE FOR ME.

YOU TAKE OVER.
- OH, NO.

HE GOT AHEAD OF
ME FIVE MINUTES AGO

AND I JUST RESIGNED.

- LIKEWISE, AND 10 MINUTES AGO.

- SO YOU AIN'T GONNA TRY
TO TALK ME OUT OF THIS

ON ACCOUNT OF YOU'RE DELIGHTED
I'M GOING TO MARRY OLD ZELD?

- NO COMMENT.

- NO COMMENT.

- NO NOTHING, AND,
GOOD LUCK, MAYNARD.

WELL, ZELDA HAD ME CONVINCED
THAT SHE REALLY MEANT BUSINESS.

SHE BOUGHT HER WEDDING GOWN
AND TICKETS FOR THE HONEYMOON TRIP.

SHE RESERVED THE
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE,

AND TALKED HER GIRLFRIENDS
INTO THROWING A BRIDAL SHOWER.

- A BRIDAL SHOWER FOR ME?

OKAY. I'M READY FOR MY PRESENTS.

- NO, MAYNARD.

A BRIDAL SHOWER IS WHEN THEY
GIVE PRESENTS TO THE BRIDE,

NOT TO THE GROOM.
- NOW THEY TELL ME.

- AS LONG AS YOU'RE HERE,
MAYNARD, YOU MAY AS WELL STAY,

IF YOU PROMISE TO BEHAVE.

- OH, I'LL BEHAVE REAL GOOD.

- OH, LAURA, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT.

- TRUE, SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE.
- TRUE.

- WHAT SHE SHOULD HAVE IS NOT
GIVEN US SOMETHING SO CHEAP.

I MEAN, HER OLD MAN'S LOADED.

- MAYNARD.

- ALL RIGHT. NEXT PRESENT.

- OH, THAT'S PRETTY.

- OH, HELEN, THESE
ARE JUST LOVELY.

GEE, I SAW THEM IN
A STORE DOWNTOWN,

AND THEY COST A FORTUNE.

- YEAH. THE REAL ONES DO.
THIS IS JUST A CHEAP IMITATION.

$2.98 AT THE DISCOUNT STORE.

NEXT PRESENT.

- ZELDA DEAR, ALL OF US GIRLS
PUT OUR MONEY TOGETHER

TO BUY THIS GIFT.
- GEE, THANKS, ELSA.

- ACTUALLY, IT'S
FOR YOU, MAYNARD.

IT'S A GIFT WE'RE
HOPING YOU WILL USE.

- A ONE-WAY TICKET
TO TAHITI FOR ONE.

- LIKE WOW,

AND ZELD, YOU WERE AFRAID
YOUR FRIENDS DIDN'T LIKE ME.

- HI, DOBIE.
- HI, DOBIE.

- HI.
- DOBIE.

- I JUST CAME BY TO
PICK UP MAYNARD.

- WELL, MAYNARD'S REALLY
ENJOYING THE BRIDAL SHOWER.

- ZELDA... ZELDA, HOW CAN
YOU DO THIS TO MAYNARD,

THAT SWEET, SIMPLE,
UNSUSPECTING SCHNOOK.

- WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE.

YOU'RE SPEAKING OF THE SWEET,
SIMPLE, UNSUSPECTING SCHNOOK

I LOVE.

- PLEASE, ZELDA, LET
HIM OFF THE HOOK.

- DON'T COME CRYING TO ME.

HIS FATE IS IN YOUR HANDS.

YOU WANT TO KEEP HIM
FREE, DO SOMETHING.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT
THAT SOMETHING IS.

- NO, ZELDA. I WON'T
BE BLACKMAILED.

- AND I WON'T QUIT.

LET'S FACE IT, DOBIE,
IT'S A FIGHT TO THE FINISH.

- AND THAT'S WHAT
I WAS, FINISHED.

BECAUSE FINALLY THE
WEDDING DAY ARRIVED.

THE FAMILIES AND FRIENDS
WAITING OPTIMISTICALLY

FOR THE CEREMONY TO START,

BECAUSE AS ZELDA'S
FATHER POINTED OUT,

THERE WAS STILL A RAY OF HOPE.

- THERE MIGHT BE AN EARTHQUAKE.

- UNFORTUNATELY, NO
EARTHQUAKE CAME ALONG

AND WE HAD TO GO
AHEAD WITH THE WEDDING.

THE CEREMONY STARTED
OFF CALMLY ENOUGH.

ZELDA, LIKE ALL
BRIDES, WAS BEAUTIFUL.

AND MAYNARD, I'M SORRY TO
SAY, WAS HAPPY AND EAGER,

AND AS SO OFTEN HAPPENS,

WRONG PREVAILED OVER
RIGHT AND THE CEREMONY BEGAN.

- DEARLY BELOVED,

WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY
TO JOIN THIS MAN AND THIS WOMAN

IN THE BONDS OF HOLY MATRIMONY.

FOR AS MUCH AS THESE TWO
PERSONS HAVE COME HITHER

TO BE MADE ONE,

IF THERE IS ANYONE PRESENT
WHO KNOWS ANY JUST CAUSE

WHY THEY MAY NOT BE
LAWFULLY JOINED IN MARRIAGE,

LET HIM SPEAK NOW OR
FOREVER HOLD HIS PEACE.

- SIR, I'M THE ANYONE PRESENT
WHO KNOWS A JUST CAUSE

WHY THEY SHOULDN'T, SO FOR
HEAVEN SAKE'S DON'T LET HIM.

[CLAPPING]

- DOBIE, THE BEST MAN?

THIS IS, SHALL WE
SAY, MOST UNUSUAL.

- SHALL WE SAY MOST COCKEYED?

ZELDA DOESN'T WANT
TO MARRY MAYNARD,

MAYNARD DOESN'T
WANT TO MARRY ZELDA,

ZELDA WANTS TO MARRY ME.

- OOH, IT'S JUST LIKE
THE LATE, LATE SHOW.

THE LAST TIME I SAW THIS,

GINGER ROGERS
COULDN'T MAKE UP HER MIND

BETWEEN RANDOLPH
SCOTT OR FRED ASTAIRE,

BUT HE DANCED HIS
WAY INTO HER HEART.

- ZELDA, WHAT DOBIE
SAID, IS IT TRUE?

YOU WANT TO MARRY HIM?

- YES, SIR.

DOBIE'S TURNED
ME DOWN 137 TIMES,

AND MAYNARD IS SWEET
AND KIND AND GENTLE,

AND HE DESPERATELY NEEDS
SOMEONE TO TAKE CARE OF HIM.

- I'LL BUY THAT.

- SO PLEASE, SIR, GO
RIGHT AHEAD AND MARRY US.

IT'S THE BEST THING,
ALAS, FOR EVERYONE.

- I'LL TRY.

IF THERE BE ANYONE PRESENT
WHO KNOWS ANY JUST CAUSE

WHY THESE PERSONS MAY
NOT BE JOINED IN MARRIAGE,

LET HIM SPEAK NOW, OR
FOREVER HOLD HIS PEACE.

- YES, SIR. ME, SIR.

- YOU, THE BRIDE?

- RIGHT. I'VE GOT TO SPEAK NOW

OR FOREVER HOLD MYSELF
TO BE A CAD AND A BOUNDER.

- ALL RIGHT, ZELDA, SPEAK UP,
BUT PLEASE BE QUICK ABOUT IT.

I'M NOT AS YOUNG
AS I USED TO BE,

AND WHAT'S GOING
ON HERE ISN'T HELPING.

- YES, SIR. MAYNARD, DEAR,
WHAT DOBIE SAYS IS TRUE.

I TRICKED YOU INTO
PROPOSING TO ME,

AND TRICKING YOU IS SO EASY,

IT'S UNSPORTING AND UN-AMERICAN.

SO IF YOU WANT TO
CHANGE YOUR MIND

AND BACK OUT OF THIS
WHOLE MESS, I'LL UNDERSTAND.

- WELL, MAYNARD?

- OH, NO, YOUR JUSTICE
OF THE PEACESHIP,

I DON'T WANT TO BACK OUT.

ZELD, I AIN'T MAD AT
YOU FOR SNOOKERING ME

INTO PROPOSING TO YOU.

I MEAN, PEOPLE SNOOKER
ME EIGHT, TEN DAYS A WEEK,

AND BESIDES, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I NEED HELP OR I'LL END UP
WITH HOLES IN MY SNEAKERS

AND A HEAD TO MATCH.

I'M MUCH OBLIGED FOR
YOUR KINDLY OFFER,

BUT I DON'T SEE NO
REASON TO BACK OUT.

[ALL SPEAKING AT ONCE]
- THANK YOU.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR FRIENDLY,
100% UNWARRANTED SUPPORT.

PLEASE RESUME,
SIR, FROM THE TOP.

- ONE DOES ONE'S BEST.

- IF THERE BE ANYONE PRESENT
WHO CAN SHOW JUST CAUSE

WHY THESE TWO MAY NOT
BE JOINED IN MARRIAGE,

LET HIM SPEAK NOW, OR
FOREVER HOLD HIS PEACE.

- LIKE, ME, SIR. LIKE, ME.

- FIGURES. OKAY.
FIRE AWAY, MAYNARD.

THE AFTERNOON IS SHOT ANYHOW.

- WATCH.

FRIENDS, RELATIVES,
COUSINS, AND GUESTS,

DUE TO CIRCUMSTANCES ABOVE
AND BEYOND THE CALL OF DUTY,

I JUST DECIDED I DON'T WANT TO
BECOME MATRIMONIAL WITH ZELDA.

[CHEERING]

- THANK YOU, SPORTS FANS.

SMALL GIRL, IT'S NOT THAT I
WOULDN'T BE PROUD AND HONORED

TO BE YOUR LAWFUL
WEDDED SOUSE...

- THAT'S SPOUSE, BUT KEEP GOING.

THE BEST NEWS
I'VE HEARD ALL DAY.

- HANG ON, IT GETS BETTER.

YOU SEE, SMALL GIRL,

ALL THE TIME YOU'D BE WISHING I
WAS SOMEBODY ELSE, NAMELY DOBE.

SO SAYONARA AND AU RESERVOIR.

I MEAN, IF YOU WANT TO
LEAVE ME WAITING AT THE ALTER,

I'LL TAKE IT LIKE THE
BRAVE LITTLE MAN,

NEEDLESS TO SAY I AM.

- THANK YOU, MAYNARD DEAR,

FOR YOUR SWEET,
SELF-SACRIFICING OFFER.

BUT NO.

I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE
YOU AT THE ALTER.

I WANT TO MARRY YOU.

[GUESTS GROANING [

I NEED A POOR HELPLESS
SCHNOOK TO TAKE CARE OF.

THAT'S WHY I WANTED DOBIE.

AND WHEN IT COMES TO
POOR HELPLESS SCHNOOKS,

WELL, MAYNARD, YOU'RE
THE UNDISPUTED CHAMPION.

- I GOT TO GIVE YOU THAT.

- SO IF YOU'LL FORGIVE
ALL THE INTERRUPTIONS, SIR,

I'D LIKE TO CONTINUE
WITH THE CEREMONY.

- ALL RIGHT. I'LL GIVE
IT ONE MORE TRY.

IF THERE BE ANY PERSON HERE
WHO KNOWS ANY JUST CAUSE

WHY THESE TWO MAY NOT
BE JOINED IN HOLY MATRIMONY,

LET HIM SPEAK NOW, OR
FOREVER HOLD HIS PEACE.

NO ONE WISHES TO
STOP THE CEREMONY?

YOU'RE ALL SURE?

POSITIVE?

ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE?

VERY WELL.

GOING, GOING, GONE.

I SHALL NOW PROCEED
TO STOP IT MYSELF.

[CHEERING]

- THIS WEDDING IS RIDICULOUS,

AND I WOULDN'T TOUCH IT WITH
A 10-FOOT MARRIAGE LICENSE.

I'M SORRY, ZELDA, AND
FORGIVE ME, MAYNARD,

BUT I HAVE NEVER,
NEVER SEEN TWO PEOPLE

WHO HAD JUSTER CAUSE FOR
NOT BEING JOINED TOGETHER.

SO LET'S FORGET THE CEREMONY
AND GET TO THE REFRESHMENTS.

- HEY, DOBE, HOW ABOUT
THAT? I'VE JUST BEEN WILTED.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S JILTED,

AND IT COULDN'T HAPPEN
TO A MORE DESERVING FELLA.

- TRUE.

EVERYBODY SAYS THEY HOPE I
GET EXACTLY WHAT I DESERVE.

- OH, MY POOR BABY.
WHAT A TRAGEDY.

- OH, PLEASE, MOTHER.

TRYING TO CHEER ME
UP ISN'T GONNA HELP.

THIS IS THE SADDEST
DAY OF MY LIFE.

♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD
FELLOW FOR HE'S A JOLLY FELLOW ♪

♪ WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY ♪

♪ WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY
WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY ♪

♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW
FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪

- I GOTTA BE BRAVE AND
FACE THIS TERRIBLE DISASTER.

I'M NOT LOSING A BRIDE,
I'M GAINING A WEDDING CAKE.

- WELL, THE LOVE STORY OF ZELDA
GILROY AND MAYNARD G. KREBS,

HAD THE MOST WONDERFUL
OF ALL POSSIBLE ENDINGS.

THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER
BECAUSE THEY NEVER GOT MARRIED.

HOWEVER, THE ENTIRE
EXPERIENCE CONVINCED MAYNARD

THAT MAYBE HE NEVER WOULD
BE READY FOR MARRIAGE,

AND THE THOUGHT GAVE
HIM CONSIDERABLE CONCERN.

- OH, FOR JOY, FOR JOY.

I AIN'T NEVER GONNA GET MIXED
UP IN THAT HOLY DEADLOCK.

- MAYNARD, THAT IS WEDLOCK,

AND COME TO THINK OF
IT, STICK WITH DEADLOCK.

- HERBERT, THAT'S
NO WAY TO TALK.

YOU'LL DISCOURAGE THE BOY
FROM EVER GETTING MARRIED.

- YEAH. I FEEL IT'S MY DUTY.

- PAY NO ATTENTION TO HIM, DEAR.

MARRIAGE IS THE
FINEST EXPERIENCE

THAT CAN HAPPEN TO A PERSON.

- GEE, I DON'T KNOW, MRS. G.

IF I GOT MARRIED, I'D BE
ALL HEMMED AND HAWED IN

AND I COULDN'T DO ANYTHING
AS I'M ACCUSTOMED TO.

- NONSENSE. MARRIAGE
ISN'T A PRISON.

WHY, AN UNDERSTANDING WIFE
WILL BE HAPPY TO LET YOU DO

EVERYTHING THAT YOU DO KNOW.

- LIKE, EVERYTHING?
- LIKE, EVERYTHING.

- HEY, YOU MEAN I COULD PLAY
MY BONGOS ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT

AND FILL UP THE CLOSETS
WITH MY PETRIFIED FROGS

AND STUFFED OWLS AND POLLIWOGS

AND COLLECT TINFOIL
IN THE BATHTUB

AND ICE SKATE IN THE KITCHEN,

AND BUILD SNOWMEN AND
SANDCASTLES IN THE LIVING ROOM?

- ON SECOND THOUGHT, MAYNARD,

THERE IS MUCH TO BE
SAID FOR REMAINING SINGLE.

THE SINGLE PERSON HAS MORE
FREEDOM, MORE INDEPENDENCE,

LESS FINANCIAL
RESPONSIBILITY, LESS NAGGING,

LESS NECESSITY TO BE
PROVEN ALWAYS RIGHT,

AND MAY WATCH FOR ROMANCE
COMING AROUND THE CORNER,

AND THIS IS VERY DESIRABLE.

YES, THERE IS MUCH TO BE
SAID FOR REMAINING SINGLE.