The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 4, Episode 3 - Northern Comfort - full transcript
Herbert has just received a $300 dividend check from his GI insurance, which Dobie and Winnie believe will be squandered away the result of some smooth sales pitch thrown at him. That unexpected pitch comes from Herbert's hayseed nephew, Virgil T. Gillis of Chicken Run, Tennessee, he who has come to town in search of a talent agent so that he can get into show business as a singer. Herbert, Winnie and Dobie quickly fall under the charms of Virgil, but Maynard smells a sneak and phony. Based on the advice of talent agent Charles Wayzak, what Virgil's act needs among other things is better costumes, a female sidekick with good legs (which he sees on Dobie's girlfriend, Grace Grimsby), and a testing ground to gage audience reaction. Using manipulation masquerading as southern charm, Virgil goes about trying to acquire these, which requires, among other things, Herbert's $300 and more. Can Maynard eventually unmask the true Virgil T. Gillis to Dobie, Herbert and Winnie?
♪ COME ON, BABY, WON'T
YOU ROCK WITH ME ♪
♪ I LOVE YOU, LITTLE DARLIN',
AND IT'S PLAIN TO SEE ♪
♪ YOU'RE ALL RIGHT
YEAH, OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH ♪
♪ YOU'RE ALL RIGHT ♪
- THAT'S ENOUGH, GILLIS.
- ♪ YEAH, OH ♪
- GILLIS...
- ♪ THE WAY YOUR EYES LIGHT UP
WHEN YOU'RE HOLDING ME TIGHT ♪
- I GET IT. OKAY. FINE.
- ♪ THE WAY IT MAKES ME FEEL
WHEN YOU KISS ME GOOD NIGHT ♪
- THAT'S ENOUGH, GILLIS!
- ♪ YOU'RE ALL RIGHT
YEAH, OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH... ♪
- I UNDERSTAND NOW.
- ♪ YOU'RE ALL RIGHT YEAH, OH ♪
- GILLIS! WHOA, BOY!
♪ YOU'RE ALL RIGHT ♪
YEAH!
MODESTY PREVENTS
ME, MR. WAYZACK, SIR,
FROM TELLIN' YOU HOW
THAT SMASHIN' LITTLE NUMBER
USED TO SHAKE 'EM
RIGHT DOWN TO THEIR TOES
BACK HOME IN TENNESSEE.
NOW HERE'S A GENUINE VIRGIL
T. GILLIS SPECIALTY ENTITLED
"WHEN IT'S HOG-KILLING
TIME DOWN ON THE FARM."
- NOW, QUIET, YOU
CHICKEN-RUN ELVIS PRESLEY!
NOW, GILLIS, YOU
LISTEN TO ME GOOD.
IF YOU WANT ME TO GET
A JOB FOR YOU SINGIN',
I'M GONNA HAVE TO CHANGE
YOUR ACT COMPLETELY.
- YES, SIR. YES, SIR.
WHATEVER YOU SAY,
MR. WAYZACK, SIR,
'CAUSE I HEAR TELL THAT
WHEN IT COMES TO KNOWIN'
ABOUT THIS HERE SHOW BUSINESS,
THAT YOU ARE THE TIPPY-TOP!
- CAN THE SWEET TALK, GILLIS,
AND SAVE IT FOR SOMEBODY
WITH A SOFT, GULLIBLE HEAD.
NOW THE FIRST THING YOU
HAVE TO DO IS TO GET A GIRL
WITH GOOD LEGS TO
STAND ALONGSIDE OF YOU
AND DOLL UP THE ACT.
- GOOD LEGS.
- NEXT THING YOU
HAVE TO DO IS GET RID
OF THAT LI'L ABNER
SUIT AND BURN IT
AND GET SOME
SLICK-LOOKING COSTUMES.
- SLICK-LOOKING COSTUMES.
YES, SIR. WHAT ELSE, SIR?
- WELL, THE MOST IMPORTANT
THING IS, BEFORE I BOOK THIS ACT,
YOU HAVE TO DO IT IN
FRONT OF A BIG CROWD.
I'D HAVE TO SEE HOW AN
AUDIENCE REACTS TO YOU.
- PERFORM ACT FOR
BIG CROWD, YES, SIR.
- TAKE A LOT OF DOUGH, GILLIS.
WHERE DO YOU PLAN TO GET IT?
- WELL, I JUST HAPPEN TO HAVE
A UNCLE LIVING IN THIS TOWN,
MY UNCLE HERBIE.
- UNCLE HERBIE, HMM.
GILLIS, YOU DON'T MEAN
TO SAY THAT YOUR UNCLE
IS HERBERT T. GILLIS?
- YEAH, THAT'S HIM! NICE FELLA?
- MISERABLE FELLOW!
ONLY LAST YEAR HE WAS
ELECTED CITIZEN MOST LIKELY
TO HANG ONTO HIS LAST DIME,
ONLY HE HASN'T GOT A DIME!
- I GOT 300 BUCKS! LOOK!
300 BEAUTIFUL SOMOLIANS!
IT'S MY G.I. INSURANCE DIVIDEND!
- DON'T FORGET YOU
PROMISED ME A NEW COAT!
- AND DON'T FORGET
YOU PROMISED ME
A NEW TENNIS RACKET.
- AND DON'T FORGET
YOU PROMISED ME A SHOT
IN THE EAR.
- AND THAT IS THE ONLY
PROMISE I INTEND TO KEEP.
- WELL, THANK YOU,
SIR. YOU'RE ALL HEART.
- MM-HMM. LOOK, THIS IS MY
CHECK FROM MY G.I. INSURANCE
PAID FOR WITH MY
HARD-EARNED DOUGH.
NOW, WHO DO YOU THINK
IT'S GONNA GET SPENT ON?
- I DON'T REALLY CARE
WHERE IT GOES, DEAR,
JUST SO LONG AS YOU
SPEND IT BEFORE IT HAPPENS.
- BEFORE WHAT HAPPENS?
- BEFORE SOMEBODY WALKS IN
HERE AND SLICKERS YOU OUT OF IT.
- YOU GOTTA BE KIDDIN'.
NOBODY SLICKERS
HERBERT T. GILLIS
OUT OF NOTHIN'!
- FORGIVE ME FOR
MENTIONING IT, DEAR,
BUT WHAT ABOUT THAT SET
OF TIRES THAT THAT SALESMAN
SWEET-TALKED YOU
INTO BUYING LAST WEEK?
- WELL, THEY HAPPENED
TO BE A VERY GOOD BARGAIN
AND ANY MAN CAN USE
AN EXTRA SET OF TIRES.
- AIRPLANE TIRES?
- NEVER MIND.
WHAT I AM TELLING YOU
IS THAT NOBODY BUT ME
IS GETTING THEIR
COTTON-PICKIN' HANDS ON MY $300!
- DID SOMEBODY SAY $300?
- OUT! OUT! OUT!
[JAZZ THEME]
- I'M SORRY YOU HAD TO SEE
THAT UGLY DISPLAY OF VIOLENCE.
I MEAN, DAD TRYIN' TO THROW
COUSIN VIRGIL OUT OF THE STORE
IS NOT A TRUE PICTURE
OF HIS CHARACTER.
HE HAS HIS LITTLE
TEMPER OUTBURSTS, SURE,
BUT WAY DOWN DEEP THERE'S
NOBODY WHO'S AS SWEET AND KIND
AND CONSIDERATE AND GENTLE.
- AND BESIDES WHICH
YOU ARE GOING OUT! OUT!
GET OUT! OUT, OUT, OUT!
- UNCLE HERBIE!
IT'S ME! VIRGIL T. GILLIS FROM
CHICKEN RUN, TENNESSEE!
- HERBERT, STOP THAT!
WHY, THAT'S VIRGIL,
COUSIN ORVILLE'S BOY!
- HA-HA, COUSIN ORVILLE'S BOY.
OUT!
- SAKES ALIVE,
YOU SURE ARE A STRONG
ONE, UNCLE HERBIE.
NO WONDER THEY CALL YOU
THE TARZAN OF THE GILLISES!
- THE TARZAN OF THE GILLISES?
IS THAT WHAT THEY CALL ME?
- ONLY SOME OF THE KINFOLK
CALL YOU THAT, UNCLE HERBIE.
THE REST OF US CALL
YOU THE BODY BEAUTIFUL.
WELL, SO LONG, UNCLE
TARZAN... I MEAN, UNCLE HERBIE.
- WELL, YOU KNOW, I DO TRY TO
KEEP THE BODY IN GOOD SHAPE...
AND WHERE DO YOU
THINK YOU'RE GOING, BOY?
OH, NO.
AS LONG AS YOU'RE IN TOWN,
KINFOLK AND ALL THAT, YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE STAYING RIGHT HERE.
- OH, NO, HERBERT.
IT'S OUT OF THE QUESTION
FOR HIM TO STAY WITH US.
NO OFFENSE, VIRGIL, BUT
WE SIMPLY HAVE NO PLACE
TO PUT YOU.
- ARE YOU SPEAKING TO ME, MISS?
- OH, OH! THIS IS
YOUR AUNT WINNIE.
- AUNT WINNIE?
WHY, YOU'RE PULLING
MY LEG, UNCLE HERBIE.
THIS HERE'S SOME PRETTY
LITTLE HIGH SCHOOL GIRL
THAT COME IN HERE FOR A
LOLLIPOP OR A RIBBON FOR HER HAIR.
- VIRGIL, I WONDER WHICH ROOM
YOU'D BE MORE COMFORTABLE IN,
THE BIG BEDROOM OR DOBIE'S ROOM?
- MY ROOM? OH, NOW
JUST A DARN MINUTE!
- YOU CAN SLEEP
ON THE COUCH, DEAR.
- OH, I'M NOT SLEEPING ON ANY
BEAT-UP, FALLING-APART OLD COUCH
JUST BECAUSE SOME FREELOADING
RELATIVE BARGES IN HERE AND...
- OOEE, SO THIS IS
MY COUSIN DOBIE.
BROTHER, IT SURE AIN'T HARD TO
SEE WHERE ALL THE GOOD LOOKS
IN THE FAMILY WENT TO.
HE'S A HANDSOME DOG, AIN'T HE?
I BET HE GOTTA FIGHT OFF
THE GALS WITH A AX HANDLE,
AIN'T YOU?
- YOU KNOW, NOW
THAT I THINK OF IT,
I'LL BE JUST AS
COMFORTABLE ON THE COUCH.
I'LL GO MAKE IT UP.
- AND I'LL GO AND WHIP
YOU UP A MESS OF HOG JOWL
AND TURNIP GREENS,
JUST SO YOU'LL
FEEL RIGHT AT HOME.
- AND YOU GET OFF
THAT THING AND I'LL PUT IT
IN THE GARAGE FOR YOU.
- OOEE, ALL THESE
WONDERFUL THINGS HAPPENING
TO A POOR LITTLE
COUNTRY BOY LIKE ME.
WHAT A SURPRISE!
- NOW I'M NOT GONNA STAND
HERE AND BRAG ABOUT MY FAMILY.
SURE, WE'VE GOT
A FEW BAD APPLES.
WHO HASN'T?
BUT THERE'S ONE MEMBER
OF THE FAMILY WHO'S A-OKAY,
MY COUSIN VIRGIL.
I MEAN, EVERYBODY SAYS SO.
- VIRGIL IS A FINE,
GENTLEMANLY BOY.
- OOOH, VIRGIL IS A CREDIT
TO THE NAME OF GILLIS.
- VIRGIL IS A
SOUTHERN FRIED FINK!
- MAYNARD, COUSIN
VIRGIL'S A PRINCE OF A FELLA.
- THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID
ABOUT ARNOLD BENEDICT.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S
BENEDICT ARNOLD,
AND WHAT HAVE YOU
GOT AGAINST HIM?
- LOOK AT ALL THE MEAN
AND ROTTEN THINGS
HE DID TO POOR GEORGE WASHINGTON
AT THE BATTLE OF WATERLOO!
- MAYNARD, I'M TALKING
ABOUT COUSIN VIRGIL.
- HE'S MEAN AND SNEAKY
AND IF YOU EVER
SHAKE HANDS WITH HIM,
YOU BETTER COUNT
YOUR FINGERS QUICK.
- SEE, I DON'T GET THIS AT ALL.
COUSIN VIRGIL LIKED YOU
AS SOON AS HE MET YOU.
- THAT'S IT.
ANYBODY WHO LIKES ME THAT
FAST HAS GOTTA BE A PHONY.
- YOU GOT A POINT.
- I MEAN, LIKING ME TAKES
A LONG TIME, LIKE YEARS.
- TRUE.
- MY FATHER AIN'T MADE IT YET.
- HOWDY, STRANGER!
GILLIS IS THE NAME,
VIRGIL T. GILLIS. I'M
PROUD TO MEET YOU.
- YOU ALREADY MET ME,
AND GIVE ME BACK MY HAND,
YOU JAMES JESSE!
ALL RIGHT, GIVE IT
BACK, YOU CROOK.
COUGH IT UP.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S SILLY!
COUSIN VIRGIL DIDN'T
STEAL YOUR FINGER.
- THEN HOW COME I ONLY GOT FIVE?
- THAT'S ALL YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO HAVE.
- NOT IN MY FAMILY.
AND YOU NEEDN'T BOTHER
DRAGGING THE RIVER FOR MY BODY.
I SHALL BE IN THE MOVIES.
- NICE FELLA.
- YEAH.
SAY, I'VE BEEN MEANING
TO ASK YOU, COUSIN VIRGIL,
NOW THAT YOU'RE HERE IN TOWN,
WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING TO DO?
- WELL, I'M GLAD YOU BROUGHT
THAT UP, COUSIN DOBIE,
'CAUSE I GOT A
COUPLE OF THINGS HERE
THAT YOU COULD
MAYBE HELP ME OUT WITH.
- OH?
- YOU SEE, I'M PLANNING
FOR A CAREER IN MUSIC.
- MUSIC?
- YEAH, MUSIC!
- MUSIC.
YOU MEAN, LIKE JASCHA HEIFETZ
AND LAWRENCE WELK AND LIKE THAT?
- OH, YOU ARE A SHARP
ONE, COUSIN DOBIE.
- YES, I AM, EXTREMELY CLEVER.
- NOW THE FIRST THING
I'M GONNA NEED IS A PLACE
WHERE I CAN TRY OUT MY MUSIC
ACT IN FRONT OF A AUDIENCE,
YOU KNOW, KIND OF
TEST HOW THEY LIKE ME.
NOW TELL ME, COUSIN DOBIE,
WHAT'S THE BIGGEST SHOW
THAT YOU FOLKS PUT
ON IN THESE HERE PARTS?
- WELL, THERE'S THE
ANNUAL BISON LODGE FROLIC.
THEY DRAW A REAL BIG CROWD.
AND EVERY YEAR, DAD'S
THE MASTER OF CEREMONIES.
- WELL, WELL, WELL, AIN'T THAT A
TOUCH OF THE OLD GILLIS LUCK?
- BUT THE LAST SHOW WAS
JUST A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO.
THERE WON'T BE ANOTHER
ONE NOW FOR A YEAR.
- OH, I DON'T KNOW,
COUSIN DOBIE.
LIKE MY OLD PAPPY ONCE TOLD ME,
DON'T COUNT YOUR
CHICKENS TILL YOU KNOW
IF OR NOT WHETHER THE HENS
ARE GONNA SET ON THE EGGS.
SOMETHING ELSE I NEED
IS A GIRL TO HELP ME OUT,
AND SHE'S GOTTA
HAVE PRETTY LEGS.
- DOBIE, MY EARTHQUAKE.
- GRACE, MY GIRLBURGER.
- DOBIE DUMPLIN', I'M
JUST DYING FOR A MALT
BEFORE WE GO TO
THE TENNIS COURTS.
- YOU BET, DOLLFACE.
MOM, I'M GOING NOW!
- BYE, DEAR.
- COUSIN DOBIE, AIN'T
YOU GONNA INTRODUCE
YOUR POOR COUSIN VIRGIL
TO THE PRETTY LEG... ER, LADY?
- OH, SURE, COUSIN VIRGIL.
THIS IS GRACE GRIMSBY.
- I SURE AM PLEASED AND HONORED
TO MEET UP WITH YOU, MA'AM.
YOU ARE THE NICEST SIGHT
I SEEN SINCE THE LAST TIME
I SPIED THE MOON COMING
UP OVER THE RABBIT HUTCH
AT SCALLION PICKING TIME.
- MY, HOW GALLANT.
- OH, JUST SOUTHERN,
MA'AM, JUST SOUTHERN.
- YES, HE IS. COME, MY DEAR.
- GIRL WITH GOOD LEGS.
PUT ON ACT IN FRONT OF BIG
CROWD TO TEST AUDIENCE REACTION.
NOW, IF I DIDN'T JUST
GO AND THINK MYSELF UP
A LITTLE JIM DANDY OF AN IDEA.
VIRGIL T. GILLIS, WITH
A MIND LIKE YOURS,
THE SOUTH WILL RISE AGAIN!
♪ I LOVE YOUR EYES,
I LOVE YOUR LIPS ♪
♪ THEY TASTE EVEN
BETTER THAN POTATO CHIPS ♪
♪ BUT COOL IT, BABY, QUIT
YOUR GOOFIN', PLEASE ♪
♪ PRETTY PLEASE, PRETTY
PLEASE, PRETTY PLEASE ♪
♪ COOL IT, BABY, IF YOU
WANNA HUG AND SQUEEZE ♪
♪ MMMM, YEAH, COOL IT, BABY,
MAKE LIKE A CRAZY BREEZE ♪
♪ OH-HOH, ONE MORE TIME ♪
♪ I LOVE TO SWING I
LOVE TO BOP, BOP, BOP ♪
♪ OH, DO YOU HAVE TO GO
AND BLOW YOUR PRETTY TOP ♪
♪ NO, NO, NO, COOL IT, BABY
HOLD THE BAR AND COUNT TO 10 ♪
♪ COOL IT, BABY ♪
♪ DIG ME CHICK I'LL
TELL YOU WHEN ♪
♪ COOL IT, BABY, TELL
IT TO YOU ONCE AGAIN ♪
♪ ONCE AGAIN, ONCE AGAIN ♪
- THANK YOU, THANK
YOU, THANK YOU.
NOW THAT WAS FOR YOU.
NOW YOU'RE GONNA ALL
DO SOMETHING FOR ME.
I WANT ALL OF YOU TO CALL
MY UNCLE HERBIE AND ASK HIM
HOW COME I AIN'T IN THAT
BIG SHOW HE'S PUTTING ON
ONE OF THESE HERE DAYS SOON.
NOW THAT THERE'S A
FAIR BARGAIN, AIN'T IT?
HOWDY, COUSIN DOBIE.
- HI, COUSIN VIRGIL.
- HOW TRULY
CHARMING YOU DO LOOK,
MY FAIR MAGNOLIA BLOSSOM.
- YEAH, HOW ABOUT THAT, HUH?
- COUSIN DOBIE, WHY
DON'T YOU GO FETCH US
A PASSEL OF GOODIES?
NOW THERE'S A FINE
FELLA. TAKE YOUR TIME.
DON'T STRAIN YOURSELF
BY RUSHING BACK.
- RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
- BYE, EARTHQUAKE.
- BYE, GIRLBURGER.
- TELL ME, MISS,
YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT GOING
IN THAT THERE SHOW BUSINESS?
YOU SURE ARE PRETTY ENOUGH.
- OH, THANK YOU, BUT DOBIE
WOULD NEVER APPROVE,
AND I WOULDN'T THINK OF
DOING ANYTHING HE'D OBJECT TO.
- OH, HE'S A RIGHT NICE
FELLA, MY COUSIN DOBIE.
HE GIVE YOU THAT THERE PIN?
- YES.
IT'S SORT OF AN
ENGAGEMENT PRESENT.
- SAKES ALIVE, AIN'T THAT NICE?
SO PLAIN AND NON-OSTENTATIOUS.
- UN-OSTENTATIOUS?
- YEAH, THAT MEANS CHEAP.
GRACIOUS, WHAT HAVE I SAID?
- BUT DOBIE SAID IT
COST A LOT OF MONEY.
HE WOULDN'T LIE.
- COUSIN DOBIE LIE? NEVER!
NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS!
LYIN' TAKES BRAINS.
- DOBIE HAS BRAINS, DOESN'T HE?
- I REFUSE TO ANSWER ON
THE GROUNDS THAT I'M A FELLA
THAT NEVER SPEAKS
MEAN ABOUT NOBODY.
- OH, YOU MEAN DOBIE'S DUMB?
- WHO TOLD YOU?
WHO'S THE LOWDOWN
SKUNK THAT SQUEALED?
OH, MISS GRACE, HOW WE
TRIED TO KEEP IT A FAMILY SECRET
THAT COUSIN DOBIE WON
THE STATE KNOTHEAD PRIZE.
- BUT HE TALKS LIKE A
FAIRLY INTELLIGENT BOY.
- WELL, HE ALSO WON
THE LOUDMOUTH PRIZE.
- THAT PHONY!
- I MEAN, WHO ELSE WOULD
SAY THE THINGS ABOUT YOU
THAT HE UPPED AND SAID.
- OH, THAT RAT!
- NICE GIRL.
- HERE YOU ARE, MY
LITTLE ANGEL, ICE CREAM.
- AND HERE YOU ARE,
MY BIG DRIP. ICE CREAM.
- WHAT IN THE WORLD DO
YOU 'SPECT GOT INTO HER?
- OH, DOOM, DOOM, DOOM!
I'VE LOST HER
AND I HATE VANILLA.
- OH, COME ON NOW, COUSIN DOBIE.
YOU GOT NO CALL
TO TAKE ON THAT WAY.
ALL IN THE WORLD YOU NEED
IS FOR SOMEBODY TO
TELL THAT LITTLE OLD GAL
WHAT A FIRST-RATE,
HIGH ON THE HOG,
A-NUMBER ONE,
CATAWAMPUS YOU REALLY ARE.
- YEAH, CATAWAMPUS.
WELL, MAYBE SO, BUT
WHO'S GONNA TELL HER?
- YEAH, WHO? TOO
BAD I CAN'T DO IT.
- THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT!
- THAT'S WHAT?
- YOU TELL HER!
- OH, LAND SAKES, COUSIN DOBIE,
I COULDN'T DO THAT.
- BUT YOU'VE GOT TO.
SHE'LL BELIEVE
YOU, COUSIN VIRGIL,
BECAUSE YOU'RE SUCH A
FINE, DECENT, HONEST FELLA.
- TRUE, I AM, BUT I CAN'T DO IT.
THE MAIN THING IS, I'M A
LITTLE SHORT OF MONEY.
- MONEY?
- GOTTA SHOW HER
A GOOD TIME, COUSIN,
GET HER IN THE MOOD TO HEAR
ALL THEM NICE THINGS ABOUT YOU.
- I'LL GET YOU THE MONEY.
I'LL BORROW IT, I'LL STEAL IT.
BUT I DON'T HAVE NO
NICE CLOTHES TO WEAR.
- YOU CAN HAVE MY NEW SUIT.
- YOUR SUIT? NO
OFFENSE, COUSIN...
- I'LL START SEWING IMMEDIATELY.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, COUSIN VIRGIL?
WILL YOU TALK TO MY
GIRLBURGER ABOUT ME?
- COUSIN DOBIE,
YOU COULD TALK THE RING
RIGHT OFF A RING-TAILED RACCOON.
I'LL DO IT.
- OH, THANK YOU, COUSIN VIRGIL.
THANK YOU FROM THE
BOTTOM OF MY HEART!
MAYNARD...
- START COUNTING, LEFTY.
- MAYNARD, GET LOST!
- OOH, VANILLA! I LOVE IT! MMMM.
- STOP THAT.
I TALKED MOM INTO FIXING
UP MY SUIT TO FIT VIRGIL
AND I DREW OUT EVERY
CENT IN MY SAVINGS ACCOUNT,
MY CHECKING ACCOUNT,
MY RESERVE FUND
AND MY SPECIAL
EMERGENCY SAVINGS,
BUT I WAS STILL IN TROUBLE.
COUSIN VIRGIL COULDN'T
SHOW GRACE A BIG TIME ON $2.37.
HOWEVER, THERE WAS A WAY OUT.
- OF COURSE THERE'S A WAY
OUT. RIGHT THROUGH THE DOOR.
- LOOK, DAD, LOOK.
ALL I WANNA DO IS
BORROW A FEW DOLLARS.
- MM-HMM.
SON, DON'T LOOK AT IT
AS BORROWING MONEY.
LOOK AT IT AS
DESTROYING CHARACTER.
- IT'S A MATTER
OF PRINCIPLE, HUH?
- NO, IT'S A MATTER
OF BEING CHEAP.
ANY MORE QUESTIONS?
- SEE YOU LATER, UNCLE HERBIE.
I GOTTA RUN A LITTLE
ERRAND FOR COUSIN DOBIE.
WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT?
JUST THE NIGHT I WAS HOPING
TO STAY HOME AND HEAR
ALL ABOUT YOUR OLD
DAYS IN SHOW BUSINESS.
- MY OLD DAYS IN
SHOW BUSINESS, HUH?
YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?
- SHUCKS, UNCLE HERBIE.
BACK HOME, WE
KIND OF THINK OF YOU
AS THE ED SULLIVAN
OF THE GILLIS FAMILY.
- OH, I WOULDN'T SAY
THAT, BUT I'M GLAD YOU DID.
- WE'RE ALL THE TIME TALKING
ABOUT THEM CHARITY BENEFITS
THAT YOU'VE PUT ON FOR
THEM HUNGRY LITTLE POOR KIDS.
YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST TALKING
ABOUT THAT TO AUNT WINNIE.
IT SURE IS A SHAME YOU
ONLY RUN 'EM ONCE A YEAR.
- YEAH, IT SURE IS, AIN'T IT?
- UNCLE HERBIE, I WANT
YOU TO PROMISE ME
THAT YOU AIN'T GONNA THINK OF
YOURSELF AS A DIRTY, LOWDOWN,
SELFISH RAT
JUST BECAUSE YOU AIN'T
PUT ON A BENEFIT LATELY
FOR THEM POOR, HUNGRY,
STARVING LITTLE NIPPERS.
- STOP IT, VIRGIL. STOP
IT. AND THANK YOU, BOY.
- FOR WHAT, PRAY TELL?
FOR SHOWING ME WHAT
A DIRTY, SELFISH RAT I AM.
- YOU LEFT OUT LOWDOWN.
- YEAH, I'M LOWDOWN TOO.
BUT I'M GONNA PUT
A STOP TO THAT.
I'M GONNA PUT ON ANOTHER BENEFIT
FOR THEM STARVING LITTLE NIPPERS
SATURDAY.
AND I'LL START
REHEARSIN' TONIGHT!
- WELL, AIN'T THAT RIGHT NICE.
- HERE'S THE MONEY,
COUSIN VIRGIL,
SO YOU CAN PLEAD
MY CASE WITH GRACE.
IT'S NOT MUCH, BUT
IT'S THE BEST I CAN DO
UNDER THE, AS YOU CAN SEE,
ADVERSE CIRCUMSTANCES.
- WELL, I FIGURED IT
WOULDN'T BE MUCH,
COUSIN DOBE, SO I GOT YOU A JOB.
- WHAT?
- PARKING CARS
AT THE GOLDEN
SLIPPER RESTAURANT.
NOW YOU GET 10
MINUTES OFF EVERY HOUR,
SO ALL YOU GOTTA DO
IS JUST KIND OF KEEP FEEDING ME
THEM TIPS AS THE NIGHT WEARS ON.
I WISHED I COULD GET
IT ALL IN ONE LUMP,
BUT I GUESS WE'LL
JUST HAVE TO MAKE DO.
- THAT WAY, I CAN KEEP TRACK
OF HOW YOU'RE DOING WITH GRACE.
- RIGHT, RIGHT!
AND I'LL BE THERE EVERY
HOUR ON THE HOUR,
NOT BEFORE AND NOT
AFTER, BUT RIGHT ON TIME.
BUT DON'T LET HER SEE YOU.
- OH, YOU CAN COUNT ON ME.
AND, COUSIN VIRGIL, I'LL
NEVER FORGET YOU FOR THIS.
- CORN SHUCKINS!
IF YOU CAN'T DO A NICE
THING FOR YOUR OWN FAMILY,
WHAT'S FAMILY FOR?
- TOP OF THE EVENIN'
TO YOU, MAYNARD.
- MISSED HIM AGAIN!
- MAYNARD!
- MISS GRACE, I DO WISH YOU'D
GIVE SOME MORE THOUGHT
TO GOING ON THE STAGE.
NOW I'M GONNA APPEAR
ON A SHOW PRETTY SOON
AND I'D BE RIGHT
GLAD TO HELP YOU OUT
BY LETTING YOU STAND
UP THERE WITH ME.
- YOU MEAN I'D BE PERFORMING?
- WELL, NOT EXACTLY PERFORM,
BUT IT'D BE THE FIRST STEP,
AND YOU OWE IT TO THE WORLD.
- GEE, VIRGIL, YOU MAKE
IT SOUND SO TEMPTING.
- WONDERFUL FELLA,
MY COUSIN DOBIE,
WONDERFUL FELLA.
- WHAT?
- JUST TRYING TO
CONVINCE MYSELF,
MY LITTLE BLOSSOM.
I SAY IT EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR.
- BUT, VIRGIL DEAR,
GOING ON STAGE
IN FRONT OF ALL THOSE
PEOPLE IS JUST SO PUBLIC.
- BUT I'D BE RIGHT THERE
WITH YOU, MY ANGEL,
HELP ALL I CAN! COME ON.
WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT AFTER
WE GET IN THE MOVIES.
OH, PARDON ME.
OH, YOU'RE A MIGHTY
HEADY DRAFT, SWEET THING.
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,
A FELLA'S GOT TO COME UP
FOR A BREATH OF FRESH AIR.
OOPS.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- HAVE I TOLD YOU
LATELY WHAT A FINE CHAP
MY COUSIN DOBIE IS?
LOOK HERE, AT THAT
THERE BISON FROLIC,
ALL YOU GOT TO DO
IS JUST STAND THERE
AND LOOK PRETTY.
GOOD MORNING, UNCLE HERBIE.
SAY, I HOPE I DIDN'T WAKE YOU
UP WHEN I COME IN LAST NIGHT.
- WAKE ME UP?
WHO SLEPT WITH THAT
DARN PHONE GOING ALL NIGHT,
ALL THE KIDS IN TOWN
CALLING UP ASKING ME
TO PUT YOU IN THE SHOW?
- WHAT Y'ALL SAYING?
OH, YOU MEAN THAT
THERE BISON'S FROLICS?
- YEAH, I TOLD YOU
I WAS GONNA HAVE
ANOTHER ONE SATURDAY.
IN FACT, WE'RE GONNA
HAVE A REHEARSAL TONIGHT
RIGHT AFTER THE POKER GAME.
HOW'D YOU LIKE TO JOIN US?
- WELL, UNCLE HERBIE, I AIN'T
MUCH GOOD AT THEM THERE
POKER CARDS.
- OH, NO, NO.
I MEAN, HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE TO BE IN THE SHOW?
- SAKES ALIVE, I WOULD
LIKE TO, UNCLE HERBIE,
BUT THE ONE THING
THAT I AIN'T GONNA DO
IS GET UP THERE
AND EMBARRASS YOU
IN FRONT OF ALL YOUR FRIENDS
IN THEM TACKY OLD
COSTUMES OF MINE.
- COSTUMES?
OH, IF THAT'S ALL
THAT'S WORRYING YOU,
WHY, WINNIE CAN SEW UP
A MESS OF THEM FOR YOU,
CAN'T YOU, WINNIE-POO?
- OH, NO, DEAR.
I'M ALREADY WEEKS
BEHIND IN MY SEWING.
- OF COURSE SHE
CAN'T SPEND HER TIME
ON UNIMPORTANT LITTLE OLD ME.
BESIDES, SHE SHOULDN'T
BE SEWING COSTUMES.
SHE OUGHT TO BE UP
ON THAT STAGE SINGING.
HOW'D THAT SONG GO, AUNT WIN?
THE ONE YOU WAS SINGING SO
SWEET AND PURTY THIS MORNING
WHEN YOU WAS THROWING
OUT THEM SLOPS?
♪ DOWN IN THE MEAD
WHERE ROBIN DID PLAY ♪
♪ HIS PIPE TO THE LAMBKINS
POOR MARGARET DOTH STAY ♪
♪ THOUGH THE YOUNG
SHEPHERD LIES BURIED ♪
- BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL,
BEAUTIFUL, AUNT WINNIE.
- OH, VIRGIL.
- YES, A NIGHTINGALE.
- WHAT KIND OF COSTUMES
WOULD YOU LIKE?
- I JUST HAPPEN TO HAVE
A LITTLE LIST RIGHT HERE
THAT YOU CAN TAKE A
LOOK AT IF YOU DON'T MIND.
- THEN IT'S ALL SETTLED
AND YOU'LL DO A TURN FOR US
SATURDAY, HUH?
- YES, SIR, IT'S ALL SETTLED
EXCEPTING FOR ONE THING.
- WHAT'S THAT?
- THE ELECTRIC GUITAR
THAT I AIN'T GONNA LET YOU
SPEND YOUR HARD-WON
$300 INSURANCE MONEY ON.
- $300?
- YEP, THE $300 FOR
THE ELECTRIC GUITAR.
- YOU GOT THIS FROM HERB GILLIS?
- EVERY PENNY.
- HERBERT T. GILLIS?
I HATE TO TELL YOU THIS, BOY,
AFTER ALL THE TROUBLE
YOU'VE GONE THROUGH,
BUT $300 ISN'T ENOUGH.
A GOOD ELECTRIC GUITAR
WILL COST YOU $200 MORE.
- MY, OH, MY, WHERE
WILL I GET THAT CASH?
I CAN'T EVEN TALK
TO UNCLE HERBIE
ON ACCOUNT OF HE'S
BUSY OVER AT THE LODGE
ALL PLAYING POKER FOR MONEY.
AND I JUST ANSWERED
MY OWN QUESTION.
- 52. HERE'S THE DECK.
- YOU MEAN I'M THE DEALER
MAN? OH, FOR JOY! WHAT FUN!
NOW, LISTEN, YOU GENTLEMEN
ALL GOT TO PROMISE
NOT TO GO TOO EASY ON ME
JUST 'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW MUCH
ABOUT THESE HERE...
EXCUSE ME, A LITTLE OLD
PIECE OF LEFTOVER HAY THERE
FROM THE FARM.
JUST 'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW MUCH
ABOUT THESE HERE POKER CARDS.
NOW LISTEN, THE
ONLIEST GAME I KNOW
IS ONE WE-UNS CALLED
TENNESSEE RUSSIAN ROULETTE.
- OH, COME NOW. WE'RE GROWN MEN.
WE DON'T GO FOR THOSE KID GAMES.
- WELL, NOW LISTEN.
I KNOW Y'ALL ARE A BUNCH
OF BIG SPORTS AND ALL THAT,
BUT WHY DON'T YOU
JUST KIND OF HUMOR
A POOR OLD COUNTRY BOY, HUH?
I'LL EXPLAIN IT AS WE GO ALONG.
NOW FIRST OFF,
EVERYBODY PUTS IN $5.00.
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
WHERE, OH, WHERE IN
THIS WHOLE WIDE WORLD
OVER WOULD A FELLA
EVER FIND A MORE KINDLY,
GENEROUS UNCLE THAN THAT?
YOU COULDN'T.
YOU COULD SEARCH OVER
AND YOU COULDN'T BEAT THAT.
- THAT WAS GREAT.
- NOW LISTEN.
OH, HECK, I DIDN'T GET NONE
OF THEM PRETTY PICTURES.
WELL, TOUGH LUCK, GENTLEMEN.
- TOUGH LUCK? YOU MUST
HAVE OVER $200 THERE!
- UNCLE HERBIE, YOU MEAN
THESE THINGS ARE WORTH MONEY?
GEE, WHAT WILL
THEY THINK OF NEXT?
MY GOODNESS.
THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN, THANK YOU.
I ENJOYED IT VERY
MUCH. THANK YOU.
- AND THEN OUT OF THE HERD
CAME THE LITTLE GIRL BISON
AND THE BIG BOY BISON,
CLUMP, CLUMP, CLUMP,
AND SHE TURNED AND
SHE LOOKED UP AT HIM
AND SHE SAID, "WHAT'S NEW?"
AND NOW FOR THE
PIECE DE RESISTANCE...
THAT'S FRENCH, MEANS
BIG DEAL... OF THE EVENING,
THAT SONGSATION FROM
THE SOUTH, MY NEPHEW,
AND I WANNA HEAR IT REAL BIG
FOR HIM NOW, VIRGIL T. GILLIS.
♪ TWISTIN' BABY COME ON NOW ♪
♪ TWISTIN' BABY YOU KNOW HOW ♪
♪ WHEN WE'RE TWISTIN'
MAN, LIKE WOW ♪
♪ BABY, COME AND TWIST WITH ME ♪
♪ TWIST TO THE LEFT ♪
♪ AND YOU TWIST TO THE
RIGHT TWIST ALL THE DAY ♪
♪ AND YOU TWIST ALL
NIGHT CAN'T GO WRONG ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE TWISTING RIGHT
BABY, COME AND TWIST WITH ME ♪
♪ ROUND AND ROUND UP AND DOWN ♪
♪ TO AND FRO FAST OR SLOW ♪
♪ NEVER STOP GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ BABY, COME AND TWIST WITH ME ♪
♪ TWISTIN' BABY, COME ON NOW ♪
♪ TWISTIN' BABY, YOU KNOW HOW ♪
♪ WHEN WE'RE TWISTIN',
MAN, LIKE WOW ♪
♪ BABY, COME AND TWIST WITH ME ♪
- ISN'T HE WONDERFUL?
- HE STILL NEEDS A GIMMICK.
- WHAT ABOUT THE COSTUME?
- THAT'S NOT A GIMMICK.
- WHAT ABOUT THE GUITAR?
- THAT'S NOT A GIMMICK!
♪ BABY, COME AND TWIST WITH ME ♪
♪ ROUND AND ROUND UP AND DOWN ♪
♪ TO AND FRO FAST OR SLOW ♪
♪ NEVER STOP GO, GO, GO. ♪
- MAYNARD, DON'T PLAY WITH
THAT. IT GOES TO THE GUITAR.
[ALL MURMURING AT ONCE]
- MAYNARD, WHAT ARE
YOU TRYING TO DO?
LOUSE UP HIS ACT?
- GOOD THINKING.
- HERE, GIVE ME
THAT THING. MAYNARD.
MAYNARD, GET THAT OUT.
- ♪ ROUND AND
ROUND UP AND DOWN ♪
♪ TO AND FRO FAST OR SLOW ♪
♪ NEVER STOP GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ BABY, COME AND TWIST WITH ME ♪
- MADAM, THAT IS A GIMMICK!
- ♪ BABY, COME
AND TWIST WITH ME ♪
♪ BABY, COME AND TWIST WITH ME ♪
♪ BABY, COME AND TWIST WITH ME ♪
- OH, KIND OF WISH I WAS GOING
TO CLEVELAND WITH YOU, BOY,
JUST TO SEE THAT NAME
GILLIS OUT THERE IN LIGHTS.
GOOD LUCK.
- WE'RE CERTAINLY GOING
TO MISS YOU, VIRGIL, DEAR.
- WELL, YOU'VE ALL HAD ME
FOR A LITTLE WHILE, FAMILY.
I OWE IT TO THE
WORLD TO MOVE ON.
- HEY, VIRGIL,
WHEN YOU HAD GRACE UP
ON THAT STAGE WITH YOU,
DID YOU HAVE TIME TO TALK
TO HER ABOUT YOU-KNOW-WHAT?
- DIDN'T I MENTION
THAT, COUSIN DOBIE?
DIDN'T I MENTION IT?
MEET THE HOTSY-TOTSY
NEW SENSATIONS,
GILLIS AND GRIMSBY,
THE LARYNX AND THE LEGS.
HAVE LINING, WILL TRAVEL.
- NOW JUST A MINUTE.
JUST A DARN MINUTE.
- TA-TA, COUSIN.
MY PUBLIC AWAITS.
- HOLD ON, VIRGIL,
PUMPKIN. MAMA? MAMA?
- OH, WELL, YOU
CAN'T WIN 'EM ALL.
- BYE.
- MAYNARD, WHAT
ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
- I'M JUST CHECKIN', DOBE.
YOU GOT ANY MORE OF
THAT VANILLA ICE CREAM?
YOU ROCK WITH ME ♪
♪ I LOVE YOU, LITTLE DARLIN',
AND IT'S PLAIN TO SEE ♪
♪ YOU'RE ALL RIGHT
YEAH, OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH ♪
♪ YOU'RE ALL RIGHT ♪
- THAT'S ENOUGH, GILLIS.
- ♪ YEAH, OH ♪
- GILLIS...
- ♪ THE WAY YOUR EYES LIGHT UP
WHEN YOU'RE HOLDING ME TIGHT ♪
- I GET IT. OKAY. FINE.
- ♪ THE WAY IT MAKES ME FEEL
WHEN YOU KISS ME GOOD NIGHT ♪
- THAT'S ENOUGH, GILLIS!
- ♪ YOU'RE ALL RIGHT
YEAH, OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH... ♪
- I UNDERSTAND NOW.
- ♪ YOU'RE ALL RIGHT YEAH, OH ♪
- GILLIS! WHOA, BOY!
♪ YOU'RE ALL RIGHT ♪
YEAH!
MODESTY PREVENTS
ME, MR. WAYZACK, SIR,
FROM TELLIN' YOU HOW
THAT SMASHIN' LITTLE NUMBER
USED TO SHAKE 'EM
RIGHT DOWN TO THEIR TOES
BACK HOME IN TENNESSEE.
NOW HERE'S A GENUINE VIRGIL
T. GILLIS SPECIALTY ENTITLED
"WHEN IT'S HOG-KILLING
TIME DOWN ON THE FARM."
- NOW, QUIET, YOU
CHICKEN-RUN ELVIS PRESLEY!
NOW, GILLIS, YOU
LISTEN TO ME GOOD.
IF YOU WANT ME TO GET
A JOB FOR YOU SINGIN',
I'M GONNA HAVE TO CHANGE
YOUR ACT COMPLETELY.
- YES, SIR. YES, SIR.
WHATEVER YOU SAY,
MR. WAYZACK, SIR,
'CAUSE I HEAR TELL THAT
WHEN IT COMES TO KNOWIN'
ABOUT THIS HERE SHOW BUSINESS,
THAT YOU ARE THE TIPPY-TOP!
- CAN THE SWEET TALK, GILLIS,
AND SAVE IT FOR SOMEBODY
WITH A SOFT, GULLIBLE HEAD.
NOW THE FIRST THING YOU
HAVE TO DO IS TO GET A GIRL
WITH GOOD LEGS TO
STAND ALONGSIDE OF YOU
AND DOLL UP THE ACT.
- GOOD LEGS.
- NEXT THING YOU
HAVE TO DO IS GET RID
OF THAT LI'L ABNER
SUIT AND BURN IT
AND GET SOME
SLICK-LOOKING COSTUMES.
- SLICK-LOOKING COSTUMES.
YES, SIR. WHAT ELSE, SIR?
- WELL, THE MOST IMPORTANT
THING IS, BEFORE I BOOK THIS ACT,
YOU HAVE TO DO IT IN
FRONT OF A BIG CROWD.
I'D HAVE TO SEE HOW AN
AUDIENCE REACTS TO YOU.
- PERFORM ACT FOR
BIG CROWD, YES, SIR.
- TAKE A LOT OF DOUGH, GILLIS.
WHERE DO YOU PLAN TO GET IT?
- WELL, I JUST HAPPEN TO HAVE
A UNCLE LIVING IN THIS TOWN,
MY UNCLE HERBIE.
- UNCLE HERBIE, HMM.
GILLIS, YOU DON'T MEAN
TO SAY THAT YOUR UNCLE
IS HERBERT T. GILLIS?
- YEAH, THAT'S HIM! NICE FELLA?
- MISERABLE FELLOW!
ONLY LAST YEAR HE WAS
ELECTED CITIZEN MOST LIKELY
TO HANG ONTO HIS LAST DIME,
ONLY HE HASN'T GOT A DIME!
- I GOT 300 BUCKS! LOOK!
300 BEAUTIFUL SOMOLIANS!
IT'S MY G.I. INSURANCE DIVIDEND!
- DON'T FORGET YOU
PROMISED ME A NEW COAT!
- AND DON'T FORGET
YOU PROMISED ME
A NEW TENNIS RACKET.
- AND DON'T FORGET
YOU PROMISED ME A SHOT
IN THE EAR.
- AND THAT IS THE ONLY
PROMISE I INTEND TO KEEP.
- WELL, THANK YOU,
SIR. YOU'RE ALL HEART.
- MM-HMM. LOOK, THIS IS MY
CHECK FROM MY G.I. INSURANCE
PAID FOR WITH MY
HARD-EARNED DOUGH.
NOW, WHO DO YOU THINK
IT'S GONNA GET SPENT ON?
- I DON'T REALLY CARE
WHERE IT GOES, DEAR,
JUST SO LONG AS YOU
SPEND IT BEFORE IT HAPPENS.
- BEFORE WHAT HAPPENS?
- BEFORE SOMEBODY WALKS IN
HERE AND SLICKERS YOU OUT OF IT.
- YOU GOTTA BE KIDDIN'.
NOBODY SLICKERS
HERBERT T. GILLIS
OUT OF NOTHIN'!
- FORGIVE ME FOR
MENTIONING IT, DEAR,
BUT WHAT ABOUT THAT SET
OF TIRES THAT THAT SALESMAN
SWEET-TALKED YOU
INTO BUYING LAST WEEK?
- WELL, THEY HAPPENED
TO BE A VERY GOOD BARGAIN
AND ANY MAN CAN USE
AN EXTRA SET OF TIRES.
- AIRPLANE TIRES?
- NEVER MIND.
WHAT I AM TELLING YOU
IS THAT NOBODY BUT ME
IS GETTING THEIR
COTTON-PICKIN' HANDS ON MY $300!
- DID SOMEBODY SAY $300?
- OUT! OUT! OUT!
[JAZZ THEME]
- I'M SORRY YOU HAD TO SEE
THAT UGLY DISPLAY OF VIOLENCE.
I MEAN, DAD TRYIN' TO THROW
COUSIN VIRGIL OUT OF THE STORE
IS NOT A TRUE PICTURE
OF HIS CHARACTER.
HE HAS HIS LITTLE
TEMPER OUTBURSTS, SURE,
BUT WAY DOWN DEEP THERE'S
NOBODY WHO'S AS SWEET AND KIND
AND CONSIDERATE AND GENTLE.
- AND BESIDES WHICH
YOU ARE GOING OUT! OUT!
GET OUT! OUT, OUT, OUT!
- UNCLE HERBIE!
IT'S ME! VIRGIL T. GILLIS FROM
CHICKEN RUN, TENNESSEE!
- HERBERT, STOP THAT!
WHY, THAT'S VIRGIL,
COUSIN ORVILLE'S BOY!
- HA-HA, COUSIN ORVILLE'S BOY.
OUT!
- SAKES ALIVE,
YOU SURE ARE A STRONG
ONE, UNCLE HERBIE.
NO WONDER THEY CALL YOU
THE TARZAN OF THE GILLISES!
- THE TARZAN OF THE GILLISES?
IS THAT WHAT THEY CALL ME?
- ONLY SOME OF THE KINFOLK
CALL YOU THAT, UNCLE HERBIE.
THE REST OF US CALL
YOU THE BODY BEAUTIFUL.
WELL, SO LONG, UNCLE
TARZAN... I MEAN, UNCLE HERBIE.
- WELL, YOU KNOW, I DO TRY TO
KEEP THE BODY IN GOOD SHAPE...
AND WHERE DO YOU
THINK YOU'RE GOING, BOY?
OH, NO.
AS LONG AS YOU'RE IN TOWN,
KINFOLK AND ALL THAT, YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE STAYING RIGHT HERE.
- OH, NO, HERBERT.
IT'S OUT OF THE QUESTION
FOR HIM TO STAY WITH US.
NO OFFENSE, VIRGIL, BUT
WE SIMPLY HAVE NO PLACE
TO PUT YOU.
- ARE YOU SPEAKING TO ME, MISS?
- OH, OH! THIS IS
YOUR AUNT WINNIE.
- AUNT WINNIE?
WHY, YOU'RE PULLING
MY LEG, UNCLE HERBIE.
THIS HERE'S SOME PRETTY
LITTLE HIGH SCHOOL GIRL
THAT COME IN HERE FOR A
LOLLIPOP OR A RIBBON FOR HER HAIR.
- VIRGIL, I WONDER WHICH ROOM
YOU'D BE MORE COMFORTABLE IN,
THE BIG BEDROOM OR DOBIE'S ROOM?
- MY ROOM? OH, NOW
JUST A DARN MINUTE!
- YOU CAN SLEEP
ON THE COUCH, DEAR.
- OH, I'M NOT SLEEPING ON ANY
BEAT-UP, FALLING-APART OLD COUCH
JUST BECAUSE SOME FREELOADING
RELATIVE BARGES IN HERE AND...
- OOEE, SO THIS IS
MY COUSIN DOBIE.
BROTHER, IT SURE AIN'T HARD TO
SEE WHERE ALL THE GOOD LOOKS
IN THE FAMILY WENT TO.
HE'S A HANDSOME DOG, AIN'T HE?
I BET HE GOTTA FIGHT OFF
THE GALS WITH A AX HANDLE,
AIN'T YOU?
- YOU KNOW, NOW
THAT I THINK OF IT,
I'LL BE JUST AS
COMFORTABLE ON THE COUCH.
I'LL GO MAKE IT UP.
- AND I'LL GO AND WHIP
YOU UP A MESS OF HOG JOWL
AND TURNIP GREENS,
JUST SO YOU'LL
FEEL RIGHT AT HOME.
- AND YOU GET OFF
THAT THING AND I'LL PUT IT
IN THE GARAGE FOR YOU.
- OOEE, ALL THESE
WONDERFUL THINGS HAPPENING
TO A POOR LITTLE
COUNTRY BOY LIKE ME.
WHAT A SURPRISE!
- NOW I'M NOT GONNA STAND
HERE AND BRAG ABOUT MY FAMILY.
SURE, WE'VE GOT
A FEW BAD APPLES.
WHO HASN'T?
BUT THERE'S ONE MEMBER
OF THE FAMILY WHO'S A-OKAY,
MY COUSIN VIRGIL.
I MEAN, EVERYBODY SAYS SO.
- VIRGIL IS A FINE,
GENTLEMANLY BOY.
- OOOH, VIRGIL IS A CREDIT
TO THE NAME OF GILLIS.
- VIRGIL IS A
SOUTHERN FRIED FINK!
- MAYNARD, COUSIN
VIRGIL'S A PRINCE OF A FELLA.
- THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID
ABOUT ARNOLD BENEDICT.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S
BENEDICT ARNOLD,
AND WHAT HAVE YOU
GOT AGAINST HIM?
- LOOK AT ALL THE MEAN
AND ROTTEN THINGS
HE DID TO POOR GEORGE WASHINGTON
AT THE BATTLE OF WATERLOO!
- MAYNARD, I'M TALKING
ABOUT COUSIN VIRGIL.
- HE'S MEAN AND SNEAKY
AND IF YOU EVER
SHAKE HANDS WITH HIM,
YOU BETTER COUNT
YOUR FINGERS QUICK.
- SEE, I DON'T GET THIS AT ALL.
COUSIN VIRGIL LIKED YOU
AS SOON AS HE MET YOU.
- THAT'S IT.
ANYBODY WHO LIKES ME THAT
FAST HAS GOTTA BE A PHONY.
- YOU GOT A POINT.
- I MEAN, LIKING ME TAKES
A LONG TIME, LIKE YEARS.
- TRUE.
- MY FATHER AIN'T MADE IT YET.
- HOWDY, STRANGER!
GILLIS IS THE NAME,
VIRGIL T. GILLIS. I'M
PROUD TO MEET YOU.
- YOU ALREADY MET ME,
AND GIVE ME BACK MY HAND,
YOU JAMES JESSE!
ALL RIGHT, GIVE IT
BACK, YOU CROOK.
COUGH IT UP.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S SILLY!
COUSIN VIRGIL DIDN'T
STEAL YOUR FINGER.
- THEN HOW COME I ONLY GOT FIVE?
- THAT'S ALL YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO HAVE.
- NOT IN MY FAMILY.
AND YOU NEEDN'T BOTHER
DRAGGING THE RIVER FOR MY BODY.
I SHALL BE IN THE MOVIES.
- NICE FELLA.
- YEAH.
SAY, I'VE BEEN MEANING
TO ASK YOU, COUSIN VIRGIL,
NOW THAT YOU'RE HERE IN TOWN,
WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING TO DO?
- WELL, I'M GLAD YOU BROUGHT
THAT UP, COUSIN DOBIE,
'CAUSE I GOT A
COUPLE OF THINGS HERE
THAT YOU COULD
MAYBE HELP ME OUT WITH.
- OH?
- YOU SEE, I'M PLANNING
FOR A CAREER IN MUSIC.
- MUSIC?
- YEAH, MUSIC!
- MUSIC.
YOU MEAN, LIKE JASCHA HEIFETZ
AND LAWRENCE WELK AND LIKE THAT?
- OH, YOU ARE A SHARP
ONE, COUSIN DOBIE.
- YES, I AM, EXTREMELY CLEVER.
- NOW THE FIRST THING
I'M GONNA NEED IS A PLACE
WHERE I CAN TRY OUT MY MUSIC
ACT IN FRONT OF A AUDIENCE,
YOU KNOW, KIND OF
TEST HOW THEY LIKE ME.
NOW TELL ME, COUSIN DOBIE,
WHAT'S THE BIGGEST SHOW
THAT YOU FOLKS PUT
ON IN THESE HERE PARTS?
- WELL, THERE'S THE
ANNUAL BISON LODGE FROLIC.
THEY DRAW A REAL BIG CROWD.
AND EVERY YEAR, DAD'S
THE MASTER OF CEREMONIES.
- WELL, WELL, WELL, AIN'T THAT A
TOUCH OF THE OLD GILLIS LUCK?
- BUT THE LAST SHOW WAS
JUST A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO.
THERE WON'T BE ANOTHER
ONE NOW FOR A YEAR.
- OH, I DON'T KNOW,
COUSIN DOBIE.
LIKE MY OLD PAPPY ONCE TOLD ME,
DON'T COUNT YOUR
CHICKENS TILL YOU KNOW
IF OR NOT WHETHER THE HENS
ARE GONNA SET ON THE EGGS.
SOMETHING ELSE I NEED
IS A GIRL TO HELP ME OUT,
AND SHE'S GOTTA
HAVE PRETTY LEGS.
- DOBIE, MY EARTHQUAKE.
- GRACE, MY GIRLBURGER.
- DOBIE DUMPLIN', I'M
JUST DYING FOR A MALT
BEFORE WE GO TO
THE TENNIS COURTS.
- YOU BET, DOLLFACE.
MOM, I'M GOING NOW!
- BYE, DEAR.
- COUSIN DOBIE, AIN'T
YOU GONNA INTRODUCE
YOUR POOR COUSIN VIRGIL
TO THE PRETTY LEG... ER, LADY?
- OH, SURE, COUSIN VIRGIL.
THIS IS GRACE GRIMSBY.
- I SURE AM PLEASED AND HONORED
TO MEET UP WITH YOU, MA'AM.
YOU ARE THE NICEST SIGHT
I SEEN SINCE THE LAST TIME
I SPIED THE MOON COMING
UP OVER THE RABBIT HUTCH
AT SCALLION PICKING TIME.
- MY, HOW GALLANT.
- OH, JUST SOUTHERN,
MA'AM, JUST SOUTHERN.
- YES, HE IS. COME, MY DEAR.
- GIRL WITH GOOD LEGS.
PUT ON ACT IN FRONT OF BIG
CROWD TO TEST AUDIENCE REACTION.
NOW, IF I DIDN'T JUST
GO AND THINK MYSELF UP
A LITTLE JIM DANDY OF AN IDEA.
VIRGIL T. GILLIS, WITH
A MIND LIKE YOURS,
THE SOUTH WILL RISE AGAIN!
♪ I LOVE YOUR EYES,
I LOVE YOUR LIPS ♪
♪ THEY TASTE EVEN
BETTER THAN POTATO CHIPS ♪
♪ BUT COOL IT, BABY, QUIT
YOUR GOOFIN', PLEASE ♪
♪ PRETTY PLEASE, PRETTY
PLEASE, PRETTY PLEASE ♪
♪ COOL IT, BABY, IF YOU
WANNA HUG AND SQUEEZE ♪
♪ MMMM, YEAH, COOL IT, BABY,
MAKE LIKE A CRAZY BREEZE ♪
♪ OH-HOH, ONE MORE TIME ♪
♪ I LOVE TO SWING I
LOVE TO BOP, BOP, BOP ♪
♪ OH, DO YOU HAVE TO GO
AND BLOW YOUR PRETTY TOP ♪
♪ NO, NO, NO, COOL IT, BABY
HOLD THE BAR AND COUNT TO 10 ♪
♪ COOL IT, BABY ♪
♪ DIG ME CHICK I'LL
TELL YOU WHEN ♪
♪ COOL IT, BABY, TELL
IT TO YOU ONCE AGAIN ♪
♪ ONCE AGAIN, ONCE AGAIN ♪
- THANK YOU, THANK
YOU, THANK YOU.
NOW THAT WAS FOR YOU.
NOW YOU'RE GONNA ALL
DO SOMETHING FOR ME.
I WANT ALL OF YOU TO CALL
MY UNCLE HERBIE AND ASK HIM
HOW COME I AIN'T IN THAT
BIG SHOW HE'S PUTTING ON
ONE OF THESE HERE DAYS SOON.
NOW THAT THERE'S A
FAIR BARGAIN, AIN'T IT?
HOWDY, COUSIN DOBIE.
- HI, COUSIN VIRGIL.
- HOW TRULY
CHARMING YOU DO LOOK,
MY FAIR MAGNOLIA BLOSSOM.
- YEAH, HOW ABOUT THAT, HUH?
- COUSIN DOBIE, WHY
DON'T YOU GO FETCH US
A PASSEL OF GOODIES?
NOW THERE'S A FINE
FELLA. TAKE YOUR TIME.
DON'T STRAIN YOURSELF
BY RUSHING BACK.
- RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
- BYE, EARTHQUAKE.
- BYE, GIRLBURGER.
- TELL ME, MISS,
YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT GOING
IN THAT THERE SHOW BUSINESS?
YOU SURE ARE PRETTY ENOUGH.
- OH, THANK YOU, BUT DOBIE
WOULD NEVER APPROVE,
AND I WOULDN'T THINK OF
DOING ANYTHING HE'D OBJECT TO.
- OH, HE'S A RIGHT NICE
FELLA, MY COUSIN DOBIE.
HE GIVE YOU THAT THERE PIN?
- YES.
IT'S SORT OF AN
ENGAGEMENT PRESENT.
- SAKES ALIVE, AIN'T THAT NICE?
SO PLAIN AND NON-OSTENTATIOUS.
- UN-OSTENTATIOUS?
- YEAH, THAT MEANS CHEAP.
GRACIOUS, WHAT HAVE I SAID?
- BUT DOBIE SAID IT
COST A LOT OF MONEY.
HE WOULDN'T LIE.
- COUSIN DOBIE LIE? NEVER!
NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS!
LYIN' TAKES BRAINS.
- DOBIE HAS BRAINS, DOESN'T HE?
- I REFUSE TO ANSWER ON
THE GROUNDS THAT I'M A FELLA
THAT NEVER SPEAKS
MEAN ABOUT NOBODY.
- OH, YOU MEAN DOBIE'S DUMB?
- WHO TOLD YOU?
WHO'S THE LOWDOWN
SKUNK THAT SQUEALED?
OH, MISS GRACE, HOW WE
TRIED TO KEEP IT A FAMILY SECRET
THAT COUSIN DOBIE WON
THE STATE KNOTHEAD PRIZE.
- BUT HE TALKS LIKE A
FAIRLY INTELLIGENT BOY.
- WELL, HE ALSO WON
THE LOUDMOUTH PRIZE.
- THAT PHONY!
- I MEAN, WHO ELSE WOULD
SAY THE THINGS ABOUT YOU
THAT HE UPPED AND SAID.
- OH, THAT RAT!
- NICE GIRL.
- HERE YOU ARE, MY
LITTLE ANGEL, ICE CREAM.
- AND HERE YOU ARE,
MY BIG DRIP. ICE CREAM.
- WHAT IN THE WORLD DO
YOU 'SPECT GOT INTO HER?
- OH, DOOM, DOOM, DOOM!
I'VE LOST HER
AND I HATE VANILLA.
- OH, COME ON NOW, COUSIN DOBIE.
YOU GOT NO CALL
TO TAKE ON THAT WAY.
ALL IN THE WORLD YOU NEED
IS FOR SOMEBODY TO
TELL THAT LITTLE OLD GAL
WHAT A FIRST-RATE,
HIGH ON THE HOG,
A-NUMBER ONE,
CATAWAMPUS YOU REALLY ARE.
- YEAH, CATAWAMPUS.
WELL, MAYBE SO, BUT
WHO'S GONNA TELL HER?
- YEAH, WHO? TOO
BAD I CAN'T DO IT.
- THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT!
- THAT'S WHAT?
- YOU TELL HER!
- OH, LAND SAKES, COUSIN DOBIE,
I COULDN'T DO THAT.
- BUT YOU'VE GOT TO.
SHE'LL BELIEVE
YOU, COUSIN VIRGIL,
BECAUSE YOU'RE SUCH A
FINE, DECENT, HONEST FELLA.
- TRUE, I AM, BUT I CAN'T DO IT.
THE MAIN THING IS, I'M A
LITTLE SHORT OF MONEY.
- MONEY?
- GOTTA SHOW HER
A GOOD TIME, COUSIN,
GET HER IN THE MOOD TO HEAR
ALL THEM NICE THINGS ABOUT YOU.
- I'LL GET YOU THE MONEY.
I'LL BORROW IT, I'LL STEAL IT.
BUT I DON'T HAVE NO
NICE CLOTHES TO WEAR.
- YOU CAN HAVE MY NEW SUIT.
- YOUR SUIT? NO
OFFENSE, COUSIN...
- I'LL START SEWING IMMEDIATELY.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, COUSIN VIRGIL?
WILL YOU TALK TO MY
GIRLBURGER ABOUT ME?
- COUSIN DOBIE,
YOU COULD TALK THE RING
RIGHT OFF A RING-TAILED RACCOON.
I'LL DO IT.
- OH, THANK YOU, COUSIN VIRGIL.
THANK YOU FROM THE
BOTTOM OF MY HEART!
MAYNARD...
- START COUNTING, LEFTY.
- MAYNARD, GET LOST!
- OOH, VANILLA! I LOVE IT! MMMM.
- STOP THAT.
I TALKED MOM INTO FIXING
UP MY SUIT TO FIT VIRGIL
AND I DREW OUT EVERY
CENT IN MY SAVINGS ACCOUNT,
MY CHECKING ACCOUNT,
MY RESERVE FUND
AND MY SPECIAL
EMERGENCY SAVINGS,
BUT I WAS STILL IN TROUBLE.
COUSIN VIRGIL COULDN'T
SHOW GRACE A BIG TIME ON $2.37.
HOWEVER, THERE WAS A WAY OUT.
- OF COURSE THERE'S A WAY
OUT. RIGHT THROUGH THE DOOR.
- LOOK, DAD, LOOK.
ALL I WANNA DO IS
BORROW A FEW DOLLARS.
- MM-HMM.
SON, DON'T LOOK AT IT
AS BORROWING MONEY.
LOOK AT IT AS
DESTROYING CHARACTER.
- IT'S A MATTER
OF PRINCIPLE, HUH?
- NO, IT'S A MATTER
OF BEING CHEAP.
ANY MORE QUESTIONS?
- SEE YOU LATER, UNCLE HERBIE.
I GOTTA RUN A LITTLE
ERRAND FOR COUSIN DOBIE.
WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT?
JUST THE NIGHT I WAS HOPING
TO STAY HOME AND HEAR
ALL ABOUT YOUR OLD
DAYS IN SHOW BUSINESS.
- MY OLD DAYS IN
SHOW BUSINESS, HUH?
YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?
- SHUCKS, UNCLE HERBIE.
BACK HOME, WE
KIND OF THINK OF YOU
AS THE ED SULLIVAN
OF THE GILLIS FAMILY.
- OH, I WOULDN'T SAY
THAT, BUT I'M GLAD YOU DID.
- WE'RE ALL THE TIME TALKING
ABOUT THEM CHARITY BENEFITS
THAT YOU'VE PUT ON FOR
THEM HUNGRY LITTLE POOR KIDS.
YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST TALKING
ABOUT THAT TO AUNT WINNIE.
IT SURE IS A SHAME YOU
ONLY RUN 'EM ONCE A YEAR.
- YEAH, IT SURE IS, AIN'T IT?
- UNCLE HERBIE, I WANT
YOU TO PROMISE ME
THAT YOU AIN'T GONNA THINK OF
YOURSELF AS A DIRTY, LOWDOWN,
SELFISH RAT
JUST BECAUSE YOU AIN'T
PUT ON A BENEFIT LATELY
FOR THEM POOR, HUNGRY,
STARVING LITTLE NIPPERS.
- STOP IT, VIRGIL. STOP
IT. AND THANK YOU, BOY.
- FOR WHAT, PRAY TELL?
FOR SHOWING ME WHAT
A DIRTY, SELFISH RAT I AM.
- YOU LEFT OUT LOWDOWN.
- YEAH, I'M LOWDOWN TOO.
BUT I'M GONNA PUT
A STOP TO THAT.
I'M GONNA PUT ON ANOTHER BENEFIT
FOR THEM STARVING LITTLE NIPPERS
SATURDAY.
AND I'LL START
REHEARSIN' TONIGHT!
- WELL, AIN'T THAT RIGHT NICE.
- HERE'S THE MONEY,
COUSIN VIRGIL,
SO YOU CAN PLEAD
MY CASE WITH GRACE.
IT'S NOT MUCH, BUT
IT'S THE BEST I CAN DO
UNDER THE, AS YOU CAN SEE,
ADVERSE CIRCUMSTANCES.
- WELL, I FIGURED IT
WOULDN'T BE MUCH,
COUSIN DOBE, SO I GOT YOU A JOB.
- WHAT?
- PARKING CARS
AT THE GOLDEN
SLIPPER RESTAURANT.
NOW YOU GET 10
MINUTES OFF EVERY HOUR,
SO ALL YOU GOTTA DO
IS JUST KIND OF KEEP FEEDING ME
THEM TIPS AS THE NIGHT WEARS ON.
I WISHED I COULD GET
IT ALL IN ONE LUMP,
BUT I GUESS WE'LL
JUST HAVE TO MAKE DO.
- THAT WAY, I CAN KEEP TRACK
OF HOW YOU'RE DOING WITH GRACE.
- RIGHT, RIGHT!
AND I'LL BE THERE EVERY
HOUR ON THE HOUR,
NOT BEFORE AND NOT
AFTER, BUT RIGHT ON TIME.
BUT DON'T LET HER SEE YOU.
- OH, YOU CAN COUNT ON ME.
AND, COUSIN VIRGIL, I'LL
NEVER FORGET YOU FOR THIS.
- CORN SHUCKINS!
IF YOU CAN'T DO A NICE
THING FOR YOUR OWN FAMILY,
WHAT'S FAMILY FOR?
- TOP OF THE EVENIN'
TO YOU, MAYNARD.
- MISSED HIM AGAIN!
- MAYNARD!
- MISS GRACE, I DO WISH YOU'D
GIVE SOME MORE THOUGHT
TO GOING ON THE STAGE.
NOW I'M GONNA APPEAR
ON A SHOW PRETTY SOON
AND I'D BE RIGHT
GLAD TO HELP YOU OUT
BY LETTING YOU STAND
UP THERE WITH ME.
- YOU MEAN I'D BE PERFORMING?
- WELL, NOT EXACTLY PERFORM,
BUT IT'D BE THE FIRST STEP,
AND YOU OWE IT TO THE WORLD.
- GEE, VIRGIL, YOU MAKE
IT SOUND SO TEMPTING.
- WONDERFUL FELLA,
MY COUSIN DOBIE,
WONDERFUL FELLA.
- WHAT?
- JUST TRYING TO
CONVINCE MYSELF,
MY LITTLE BLOSSOM.
I SAY IT EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR.
- BUT, VIRGIL DEAR,
GOING ON STAGE
IN FRONT OF ALL THOSE
PEOPLE IS JUST SO PUBLIC.
- BUT I'D BE RIGHT THERE
WITH YOU, MY ANGEL,
HELP ALL I CAN! COME ON.
WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT AFTER
WE GET IN THE MOVIES.
OH, PARDON ME.
OH, YOU'RE A MIGHTY
HEADY DRAFT, SWEET THING.
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,
A FELLA'S GOT TO COME UP
FOR A BREATH OF FRESH AIR.
OOPS.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- HAVE I TOLD YOU
LATELY WHAT A FINE CHAP
MY COUSIN DOBIE IS?
LOOK HERE, AT THAT
THERE BISON FROLIC,
ALL YOU GOT TO DO
IS JUST STAND THERE
AND LOOK PRETTY.
GOOD MORNING, UNCLE HERBIE.
SAY, I HOPE I DIDN'T WAKE YOU
UP WHEN I COME IN LAST NIGHT.
- WAKE ME UP?
WHO SLEPT WITH THAT
DARN PHONE GOING ALL NIGHT,
ALL THE KIDS IN TOWN
CALLING UP ASKING ME
TO PUT YOU IN THE SHOW?
- WHAT Y'ALL SAYING?
OH, YOU MEAN THAT
THERE BISON'S FROLICS?
- YEAH, I TOLD YOU
I WAS GONNA HAVE
ANOTHER ONE SATURDAY.
IN FACT, WE'RE GONNA
HAVE A REHEARSAL TONIGHT
RIGHT AFTER THE POKER GAME.
HOW'D YOU LIKE TO JOIN US?
- WELL, UNCLE HERBIE, I AIN'T
MUCH GOOD AT THEM THERE
POKER CARDS.
- OH, NO, NO.
I MEAN, HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE TO BE IN THE SHOW?
- SAKES ALIVE, I WOULD
LIKE TO, UNCLE HERBIE,
BUT THE ONE THING
THAT I AIN'T GONNA DO
IS GET UP THERE
AND EMBARRASS YOU
IN FRONT OF ALL YOUR FRIENDS
IN THEM TACKY OLD
COSTUMES OF MINE.
- COSTUMES?
OH, IF THAT'S ALL
THAT'S WORRYING YOU,
WHY, WINNIE CAN SEW UP
A MESS OF THEM FOR YOU,
CAN'T YOU, WINNIE-POO?
- OH, NO, DEAR.
I'M ALREADY WEEKS
BEHIND IN MY SEWING.
- OF COURSE SHE
CAN'T SPEND HER TIME
ON UNIMPORTANT LITTLE OLD ME.
BESIDES, SHE SHOULDN'T
BE SEWING COSTUMES.
SHE OUGHT TO BE UP
ON THAT STAGE SINGING.
HOW'D THAT SONG GO, AUNT WIN?
THE ONE YOU WAS SINGING SO
SWEET AND PURTY THIS MORNING
WHEN YOU WAS THROWING
OUT THEM SLOPS?
♪ DOWN IN THE MEAD
WHERE ROBIN DID PLAY ♪
♪ HIS PIPE TO THE LAMBKINS
POOR MARGARET DOTH STAY ♪
♪ THOUGH THE YOUNG
SHEPHERD LIES BURIED ♪
- BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL,
BEAUTIFUL, AUNT WINNIE.
- OH, VIRGIL.
- YES, A NIGHTINGALE.
- WHAT KIND OF COSTUMES
WOULD YOU LIKE?
- I JUST HAPPEN TO HAVE
A LITTLE LIST RIGHT HERE
THAT YOU CAN TAKE A
LOOK AT IF YOU DON'T MIND.
- THEN IT'S ALL SETTLED
AND YOU'LL DO A TURN FOR US
SATURDAY, HUH?
- YES, SIR, IT'S ALL SETTLED
EXCEPTING FOR ONE THING.
- WHAT'S THAT?
- THE ELECTRIC GUITAR
THAT I AIN'T GONNA LET YOU
SPEND YOUR HARD-WON
$300 INSURANCE MONEY ON.
- $300?
- YEP, THE $300 FOR
THE ELECTRIC GUITAR.
- YOU GOT THIS FROM HERB GILLIS?
- EVERY PENNY.
- HERBERT T. GILLIS?
I HATE TO TELL YOU THIS, BOY,
AFTER ALL THE TROUBLE
YOU'VE GONE THROUGH,
BUT $300 ISN'T ENOUGH.
A GOOD ELECTRIC GUITAR
WILL COST YOU $200 MORE.
- MY, OH, MY, WHERE
WILL I GET THAT CASH?
I CAN'T EVEN TALK
TO UNCLE HERBIE
ON ACCOUNT OF HE'S
BUSY OVER AT THE LODGE
ALL PLAYING POKER FOR MONEY.
AND I JUST ANSWERED
MY OWN QUESTION.
- 52. HERE'S THE DECK.
- YOU MEAN I'M THE DEALER
MAN? OH, FOR JOY! WHAT FUN!
NOW, LISTEN, YOU GENTLEMEN
ALL GOT TO PROMISE
NOT TO GO TOO EASY ON ME
JUST 'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW MUCH
ABOUT THESE HERE...
EXCUSE ME, A LITTLE OLD
PIECE OF LEFTOVER HAY THERE
FROM THE FARM.
JUST 'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW MUCH
ABOUT THESE HERE POKER CARDS.
NOW LISTEN, THE
ONLIEST GAME I KNOW
IS ONE WE-UNS CALLED
TENNESSEE RUSSIAN ROULETTE.
- OH, COME NOW. WE'RE GROWN MEN.
WE DON'T GO FOR THOSE KID GAMES.
- WELL, NOW LISTEN.
I KNOW Y'ALL ARE A BUNCH
OF BIG SPORTS AND ALL THAT,
BUT WHY DON'T YOU
JUST KIND OF HUMOR
A POOR OLD COUNTRY BOY, HUH?
I'LL EXPLAIN IT AS WE GO ALONG.
NOW FIRST OFF,
EVERYBODY PUTS IN $5.00.
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
WHERE, OH, WHERE IN
THIS WHOLE WIDE WORLD
OVER WOULD A FELLA
EVER FIND A MORE KINDLY,
GENEROUS UNCLE THAN THAT?
YOU COULDN'T.
YOU COULD SEARCH OVER
AND YOU COULDN'T BEAT THAT.
- THAT WAS GREAT.
- NOW LISTEN.
OH, HECK, I DIDN'T GET NONE
OF THEM PRETTY PICTURES.
WELL, TOUGH LUCK, GENTLEMEN.
- TOUGH LUCK? YOU MUST
HAVE OVER $200 THERE!
- UNCLE HERBIE, YOU MEAN
THESE THINGS ARE WORTH MONEY?
GEE, WHAT WILL
THEY THINK OF NEXT?
MY GOODNESS.
THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN, THANK YOU.
I ENJOYED IT VERY
MUCH. THANK YOU.
- AND THEN OUT OF THE HERD
CAME THE LITTLE GIRL BISON
AND THE BIG BOY BISON,
CLUMP, CLUMP, CLUMP,
AND SHE TURNED AND
SHE LOOKED UP AT HIM
AND SHE SAID, "WHAT'S NEW?"
AND NOW FOR THE
PIECE DE RESISTANCE...
THAT'S FRENCH, MEANS
BIG DEAL... OF THE EVENING,
THAT SONGSATION FROM
THE SOUTH, MY NEPHEW,
AND I WANNA HEAR IT REAL BIG
FOR HIM NOW, VIRGIL T. GILLIS.
♪ TWISTIN' BABY COME ON NOW ♪
♪ TWISTIN' BABY YOU KNOW HOW ♪
♪ WHEN WE'RE TWISTIN'
MAN, LIKE WOW ♪
♪ BABY, COME AND TWIST WITH ME ♪
♪ TWIST TO THE LEFT ♪
♪ AND YOU TWIST TO THE
RIGHT TWIST ALL THE DAY ♪
♪ AND YOU TWIST ALL
NIGHT CAN'T GO WRONG ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE TWISTING RIGHT
BABY, COME AND TWIST WITH ME ♪
♪ ROUND AND ROUND UP AND DOWN ♪
♪ TO AND FRO FAST OR SLOW ♪
♪ NEVER STOP GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ BABY, COME AND TWIST WITH ME ♪
♪ TWISTIN' BABY, COME ON NOW ♪
♪ TWISTIN' BABY, YOU KNOW HOW ♪
♪ WHEN WE'RE TWISTIN',
MAN, LIKE WOW ♪
♪ BABY, COME AND TWIST WITH ME ♪
- ISN'T HE WONDERFUL?
- HE STILL NEEDS A GIMMICK.
- WHAT ABOUT THE COSTUME?
- THAT'S NOT A GIMMICK.
- WHAT ABOUT THE GUITAR?
- THAT'S NOT A GIMMICK!
♪ BABY, COME AND TWIST WITH ME ♪
♪ ROUND AND ROUND UP AND DOWN ♪
♪ TO AND FRO FAST OR SLOW ♪
♪ NEVER STOP GO, GO, GO. ♪
- MAYNARD, DON'T PLAY WITH
THAT. IT GOES TO THE GUITAR.
[ALL MURMURING AT ONCE]
- MAYNARD, WHAT ARE
YOU TRYING TO DO?
LOUSE UP HIS ACT?
- GOOD THINKING.
- HERE, GIVE ME
THAT THING. MAYNARD.
MAYNARD, GET THAT OUT.
- ♪ ROUND AND
ROUND UP AND DOWN ♪
♪ TO AND FRO FAST OR SLOW ♪
♪ NEVER STOP GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ BABY, COME AND TWIST WITH ME ♪
- MADAM, THAT IS A GIMMICK!
- ♪ BABY, COME
AND TWIST WITH ME ♪
♪ BABY, COME AND TWIST WITH ME ♪
♪ BABY, COME AND TWIST WITH ME ♪
- OH, KIND OF WISH I WAS GOING
TO CLEVELAND WITH YOU, BOY,
JUST TO SEE THAT NAME
GILLIS OUT THERE IN LIGHTS.
GOOD LUCK.
- WE'RE CERTAINLY GOING
TO MISS YOU, VIRGIL, DEAR.
- WELL, YOU'VE ALL HAD ME
FOR A LITTLE WHILE, FAMILY.
I OWE IT TO THE
WORLD TO MOVE ON.
- HEY, VIRGIL,
WHEN YOU HAD GRACE UP
ON THAT STAGE WITH YOU,
DID YOU HAVE TIME TO TALK
TO HER ABOUT YOU-KNOW-WHAT?
- DIDN'T I MENTION
THAT, COUSIN DOBIE?
DIDN'T I MENTION IT?
MEET THE HOTSY-TOTSY
NEW SENSATIONS,
GILLIS AND GRIMSBY,
THE LARYNX AND THE LEGS.
HAVE LINING, WILL TRAVEL.
- NOW JUST A MINUTE.
JUST A DARN MINUTE.
- TA-TA, COUSIN.
MY PUBLIC AWAITS.
- HOLD ON, VIRGIL,
PUMPKIN. MAMA? MAMA?
- OH, WELL, YOU
CAN'T WIN 'EM ALL.
- BYE.
- MAYNARD, WHAT
ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
- I'M JUST CHECKIN', DOBE.
YOU GOT ANY MORE OF
THAT VANILLA ICE CREAM?