The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 4, Episode 29 - Lassie, Get Lost - full transcript

When the beautiful Valentine Van Loon broadcasts a plea and a reward for the return of her lost dog Boo Boo, it becomes father vs. son to be the first to find and return the pooch, Dobie for romantic reasons and Mr. Gillis for the hard, cold cash.

- AND NOW, LOVERS OF THE BEST IN
HIGH TYPE SCREEN ENTERTAINMENT,

HERE SHE IS,

THAT RED-HOT STAR
OF SCREEN, TELEVISION,

AND BOSSA NOVA PARTIES,

THAT NUMBER ONE TEENAGER,
MISS VALENTINE VAN LOON.

- MY HERO. I LOVE YOU MADLY.

- MY BELOVED, I
LOVE YOU LIKEWISE.

- OF ALL THE MEN IN THE WORLD,

YOU ARE THE
SWEETEST, THE KINDEST,

THE MOST LOVABLE AND ADORABLE.

- YOU RANG?



- SWEETHEART, THIS
IS JUST FOR YOU.

- MMM, DELICIOUS, TUTTI-FRUTTI.

- NO, NOT THAT. THIS.

- HEY, SHE'S TRYING TO
KISS ME, LIKE, HELP, POLICE!

- MAYNARD.

MISS VAN LOON,
THERE'S SOME MISTAKE.

- YOU BET THERE
IS, YOU BIG PHONY.

[JAZZ THEME]

- WELL, IS THERE ANYBODY
IN THE WHOLE UNITED STATES,

EXCEPT JEALOUS MEMBERS
OF THE TUESDAY WELD FAN CLUB,

WHO DOESN'T RECOGNIZE
VALENTINE VAN LOON,

HOLLYWOOD'S TEEN QUEEN SUPREME?

SHE'S THE IDOL OF THE
YOUNGER GENERATION,

AND A FINE, UPLIFTING
INFLUENCE ON THEM.



WHEN ONE OF HER PICTURES IS
PLAYING IN A NEIGHBORHOOD MOVIE,

SOMETIMES AN HOUR GOES BY

WITHOUT A SINGLE
HUBCAP BEING STOLEN.

SO WHY IS THIS LIVING
DOLL SO FASCINATED

BY MY SEMI-LIVING
FRIEND, MAYNARD G. KREBS?

WELL, IT ALL STARTED A FEW DAYS
AGO WHEN DAD AND I WERE HAVING

A QUIET, INTELLECTUAL
EXCHANGE OF IDEAS AND OPINIONS.

- WE REGRET TO ANNOUNCE
THAT THE SPECIAL BROADCAST

OF THE VALENTINE VAN
LOON PERSONAL APPEARANCE

HAS BEEN CANCELED.

- CANCELED?

DAD, LOOK, SOMETHING'S
HAPPENED TO MY LOVED ONE.

SHE'S SICK.

- IT'S HER DOG.

- HER DOG'S SICK.

- NO. HER DOG IS PERFECTLY
HEALTHY, BUT HE'S LOST.

- NO.
- YES.

BUT WAIT, I CAN'T
BELIEVE MY EYES.

HERE'S MISS VAN LOON
HERSELF IN PERSON.

WHAT A GLORIOUS DAY
FOR LOCAL TELEVISION.

MISS VAN LOON, WE'VE HEARD
OF YOUR GREAT SORROW.

WOULD YOU HONOR
US WITH A FEW WORDS?

- DEAR, DEAR FRIENDS AND FANS,

I WOULD BE SO VERY,
VERY OVERWHELMINGLY

AND ETERNALLY GRATEFUL

TO THE WONDERFUL PERSON WHO
RETURNS MY BELOVED DOG BOO BOO.

- BOO BOO?

WITH A NAME LIKE THAT,
HE AIN'T LOST, HE'S HIDING.

- ETERNALLY AND
OVERWHELMINGLY GRATEFUL, HMM.

- BOO BOO IS ABOUT
THREE FEET HIGH

WITH A SHAGGY COAT
AND FLOPPY EARS,

AND A LOVABLE BUT
BEWILDERED EXPRESSION.

- YOU RANG?

- OH, HI, MAYNARD, AND QUIET.

WE'RE LISTENING TO A
DESCRIPTION OF THIS LOST DOG.

- OH, I WAS LOST ONCE.

THEY PUT MY DESCRIPTION
IN THE NEWSPAPER.

BUT EVERYBODY WHO
READ THE DESCRIPTION

SAID IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE,
AND YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE IT,

BUT TO THIS VERY DAY,
THEY HAVEN'T FOUND ME.

- I BELIEVE IT. I BELIEVE IT.

- THANK YOU, MISS VAN LOON.

YOU'RE A BRAVE GIRL AND
AN INSPIRATION TO ALL OF US

IN THIS, YOUR HOUR OF SADNESS.

- BOO HOO FOR BOO BOO.

- MY POOR SWEET VALENTINE.

- IF ANY OF YOU HAVE
ANY INFORMATION

ABOUT THE
WHEREABOUTS OF BOO BOO,

PLEASE CONTACT MISS
VALENTINE VAN LOON'S SUITE

AT THE PALACE HOTEL,

AND SHE'LL BE
ETERNALLY GRATEFUL.

- DAD, FOR THE
SAKE OF VALENTINE,

I'VE GOT TO FIND THAT DOG.

- ALSO, MISS VAN LOON
HAS ANNOUNCED A REWARD

FOR THE RETURN OF
THE MISSING BOO BOO,

$500.

- SON, FOR THE SAKE OF
VALENTINE'S 500 BUCKS,

I GOTTA FIND THAT DOG.

- DAD, I HAD THE IDEA FIRST.
THIS ISN'T FAIR. IT'S SNEAKY.

- YEAH. YOU GOTTA
WATCH ME EVERY MINUTE.

HERE YOU ARE, BOO
BOO, COME AND GET IT.

NO DOG CAN RESIST THIS.

THERE'S ENOUGH HERE
FOR A FAMILY OF SIX DOGS,

AND WATCH THE STORE, SON,

I'LL BE BACK IN A
FLASH WITH THE CASH.

HERE, BOO BOO.

[WHISTLING]

- MAN, WHEN IT COMES TO
MONEY, DOBE, YOUR FATHER...

- DON'T YOU DARE USE SUCH
LANGUAGE ABOUT MY FATHER,

AND YOU'RE RIGHT, HE SURE IS.

- YEAH. I REST MY CASE.
- IT'S BOO BOO!

- WHERE? WHERE?
- THERE THERE.

MAYNARD, WHERE'D
YOU GET THAT DOG?

- WHAT DOG?
- THIS DOG!

HE'S BOO BOO

AND HE BELONGS TO SOMEBODY
WHO MISSES HIM VERY MUCH.

- NO, DOBE. HE DON'T
BELONG TO NOBODY.

- MAYNARD.
- HE TOLD ME IN DOG.

HE SPEAKS IT
PRACTICALLY PERFECT.

IT'S HIS NATIVE LANGUAGE.

- MAYNARD, ARF ARF AND
ENOUGH. THIS IS BOO BOO.

I KNOW WHO HE BELONGS
TO, AND I'M TAKING HIM BACK.

- NO, YOU AIN'T.
- I AIN'T?

- YOU AIN'T, ON ACCOUNT
OF I'M TAKING HIM BACK.

IT'S MY DUTY AS AN
UPSTANDING LAWFUL CITIZEN

TO TAKE HIM BACK
TO HIS LAWFUL OWNER,

AND BLESS HIS FURRY
LITTLE HEART AND PAWS.

- CITIZEN KREBS, THAT'S
VERY NOBLE OF YOU,

BUT I'LL BE GLAD
TO DO IT FOR YOU.

- NOPE, MY HEAD'S MADE UP.

- BUT MAYNARD, IF
YOU TAKE HIM BACK,

ALL THAT OVERWHELMING
AND ETERNAL GRATITUDE

WILL BE WASTED AND...

COME TO THINK OF IT,
MAYNARD, YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU TAKE HIM BACK.

- I SURE WILL.

HEY DOBE, ALL OF A
SUDDEN YOU DID A FLIP-FLOP

AND THAT MEANS YOU'RE SCHEMING
UP SOMETHING MEAN AND ROTTEN.

- MAYNARD, I'M NOT
SCHEMING UP ANYTHING.

NOW, TAKE THE DOG BACK.

THE PALACE HOTEL.
- RIGHT.

I'M GONNA TAKE HIM RIGHT
BACK TO THE PALACE HOTEL.

OH, DOBE, WHAT'S GONNA
HAPPEN TO ME WHEN I GET THERE?

- MAYNARD, IT'S NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT.

I MEAN, THEY'RE NOT
ACTUALLY GONNA HANG YOU

FOR DOGNAPPING.

- WHAT A RELIEF.

FOR A MINUTE
THERE I WAS SCARED...

DOGNAPPING!

OH, DOBE, I DIDN'T NAP
THIS DOG, I FOUND HIM.

- EXACTLY, MAYNARD.

SO THE PUNISHMENT WON'T BE
ANY MORE THAN 18 OR 20 MONTHS

ON THE CHAIN GANG.

- 18 OR 20 MONTHS?
THAT'S ALMOST A YEAR.

OH, HELP ME, DOBE,

I DON'T WANT TO TOTE THAT
BARGE AND LIFT THAT BALE.

- MAYNARD.
- HIDE ME, INVISIBLE ME.

THEY'RE GOING TO SEND
ME DOWN THE RIVER.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S UP
THE RIVER, AND OKAY.

YOUR TEARS HAVE TOUCHED
MY HEART, I'LL HELP YOU.

- OH, THANK YOU, SIR. THANK
YOU. YOU'RE ALL HEART,

EXCEPT FOR THE PART OF
YOU THAT'S LIVER AND ONIONS.

- MAYNARD, THE
ONLY THANKS I WANT

IS A SIMPLE
EXPRESSION OF ETERNAL

AND OVERWHELMING GRATITUDE.

YEAH...

NOW, I'LL GO DOWNTOWN
AND FIX EVERYTHING FOR YOU.

YOU WAIT HERE AND KEEP
THE DOG WELL HIDDEN.

- OKAY. HEY, HOW'S THIS, DOBE?

- WONDERFUL, MAYNARD. WONDERFUL.

BUT WOULDN'T YOU BE BETTER
OFF HIDING IN THE STOREROOM?

- OH, NO, DOBE.
THAT'D NEVER WORK.

I MEAN, IF I WAS HIDING
IN THE STOREROOM,

EVERYBODY WOULD
SEE THE DOG OUT HERE.

- YEAH. I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

SO I HAVE ANOTHER IDEA.

BOTH OF YOU HIDE
IN THE STOREROOM.

- LIKE, WOW, WHAT AN IDEA.
- YEAH.

- AND SOME PEOPLE SAY YOU
AIN'T TOO BRIGHT IN THE HEAD.

- HEY, SPEED, YOU'RE
A PRESS AGENT,

WHEN ARE WE GOING TO SEE
MISS VAN LOON IN THE FLESH?

- IN THE FLESH?

AH, MISS VAN LOON DON'T
MAKE THEM KIND OF MOVIES.

OH, I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.

NOW, I'M AFRAID
THAT MISS VAN LOON

IS TOO HEARTBROKEN OVER
THE LOSS OF POOR BOO BOO

TO SPEAK TO ANYBODY NOW.

BUT WHILE WE ARE
WAITING FOR HER RECOVERY,

MISS VAN LOON HAS GENEROUSLY
PROVIDED SANDWICHES

FOR YOU GENTLEMEN OF THE PRESS.

NOW, WILL YOU GENTLEMEN
REPRESENTING NEWSPAPERS

WITH A CIRCULATION
OF LESS THAN 20,000

PLEASE LIMIT YOURSELF
TO ONE SANDWICH

AND NO CREAM IN
YOUR COFFEE, HUH?

- MISS? MISS?

- OH, HOW DO YOU DO? MY
NAME IS SPEED PULITZER.

I'M MISS VAN LOON'S
PRESS REPRESENTATIVE.

COME IN, I'LL FIX
YOU A SANDWICH.

- YEAH. MY NAME'S DOBIE GILLIS.

- OH, AND WHAT
NEWSPAPER ARE YOU WITH?

- OH, I'M NOT WITH ANY PAPER.

- OH, YOU'RE WITH A
NEWS SYNDICATE, HUH?

- WELL, NOT EXACTLY.

- AH, WITH ONE OF THE
NATIONAL MAGAZINES,

WHAT IS IT? TIME?
LIFE? LOOK? HUH?

- NO, MISS, I'M NOT IN THE
NEWSPAPER GAME AT ALL.

I'M IN COLLEGE.

- NO PAPER, NO SANDWICH.

- LOOK, MISS, YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND.

YOU SEE, I ONLY CAME...
- OUT, MOOCHER.

- I CAME HERE... I
FOUND THE DOG!

- YOU FOUND THE BELOVED BOO BOO?

- THAT I DID.

- COME THIS WAY.

HMM, I DON'T KNOW. YOU
LOOK PRETTY SNEAKY TO ME,

ESPECIALLY AROUND
THAT COWARDLY CHIN.

- LEAVE MY COWARDLY
CHIN OUT OF THIS.

I CAME HERE TO
RETURN A LOST DOG,

NOT TO BE INSULTED. I'M LEAVING.

- OH, NO, LOOK, KID,
I WAS ONLY KIDDING.

- FORGET IT.

NOTHING IN THE WORLD'S
WORTH GETTING INSULTED FOR.

NOTHING, DO YOU...

I JUST SAW SOMETHING THAT'S
WORTH GETTING INSULTED FOR.

- HI. DID I HEAR SOME
DEAR SWEET DOLL SAY

HE FOUND MY DEAR SWEET BOO BOO?

- YOU ARE WITHIN SNUGGLING
DISTANCE OF THE DEAR SWEET DOLL

WHO FOUND YOUR
DEAR SWEET BOO BOO,

MY DEAR SWEET MISS VAN LOON.

- YOU, BOY?

- ME BOY, YOU
GIRL, I'VE NOTICED.

- HIS NAME IS DOPIE SOMEBODY.

- THAT'S DOBIE
SOMEBODY WITH A B.

- OH, HOW CAN I EVER
THANK YOU, MR. SOMEBODY?

- THAT'S MR. GILLIS,

AND DON'T WORRY YOUR PRETTY
HEAD ABOUT HOW TO THANK ME, MA'AM.

I'LL THINK OF
SOMETHING. YES, I WILL.

- NOW, I DO HOPE YOU WON'T
THINK I'M THE SUSPICIOUS TYPE,

BUT WOULD YOU MIND TELLING ME

WHICH OF THESE DOGS
IS BOO BOO, MR. GILLIS?

- THIS ONE, MISS VAN LOON,
AND YOU MAY CALL ME DOBIE.

- THAT'S MY BOO BOO, AND
YOU MAY CALL ME VALENTINE.

- VALENTINE VAN
LOON HAS KISSED ME.

TAKE ME, I'M READY TO GO.

I'VE HAD THE BEST
LIFE HAS TO OFFER.

THERE'S NOTHING...

- WHERE IS MY BOO BOO?
- WHAT?

OH, BOO BOO, YEAH. UH-HUH.

- WHEN I SEE HIM,

I'LL BE ETERNALLY AND
OVERWHELMINGLY GRATEFUL TO YOU.

- UH-HUH, YEAH.

WELL, IF THE TRAFFIC
LIGHTS ARE WITH ME,

I'LL BE BACK IN TIME FOR
THREE OR FOUR HOURS

OF ETERNAL, OVERWHELMING
GRATITUDE BEFORE DINNER.

- KIDDO, YOU HAVE JUST
GIVEN ME A GREAT IDEA.

ETERNAL, OVERWHELMING
GRATITUDE. HUH? HUH?

YOU GET IT, KID?

WE HAVE A CHANCE FOR A MILLION
BUCKS WORTH OF FREE PUBLICITY.

THIS FINE, UPSTANDING, BLANK
LOOKING BOY RETURNS YOUR DOG,

SEE? HE TAKES ONE
LOOK AT YOU AND BOOM!

- BOOM?

- BOOM, HE FALLS
IN LOVE WITH YOU!

BOOM, YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM!

BOOM! YOU FALL IN
LOVE WITH EACH OTHER.

BOOM! IT'S THE LOVE
AFFAIR OF THE CENTURY.

- BOOM! JUST A MINUTE!
JUST A DARN MINUTE.

IF YOU THINK I'M GONNA SIT STILL

FOR A MESS OF SILLY AND
EMBARRASSING PUBLICITY

AND PRETEND I'M IN
LOVE WITH VALENTINE,

AND HOLD HER HAND AND KISS
HER AND SNUGGLE WITH HER,

YOU'RE A HUNDRED
PERCENT CORRECT.

WHEN DO WE START?

- NOW YOU'RE TAKING, KID, HUH?

BOOM, WE PLAY IT UP BIG.

BOOM, WE HIT EVERY
PAPER IN THE COUNTRY.

BOOM, WE TURN YOU KIDS
INTO AMERICA'S SWEETHEARTS.

WHAT DO YOU SAY,
VALENTINE SWEETIE?

- I THINK IT'S A GORGEOUS,
ROMANTIC, SHAGGY DOG STORY.

I LIKE IT. I LIKE IT.

HOW ABOUT YOU, DOBIE DEAR?

- YEAH. WHAT
ABOUT YOU, KID, HUH?

YOU WANT TO GO THROUGH WITH IT?
- WILL I GO THROUGH WITH IT?

DOES THIS ANSWER
YOUR QUESTION? KISS ME.

- PLEASE, KID.

I DON'T HAVE ANY
TIME FOR THAT NOW.

- NOT YOU, HER!

- I GOT TO RUN IT AT 5:00 ON
COAST TO COAST TELEVISION.

OH, THIS IS GONNA BE
THE HOTTEST LOVE AFFAIR

TO HIT THE AIR
SINCE ROMEO AND...

WHAT WAS THAT
CHICK'S NAME AGAIN?

- JULIET.
- LOOK, KID, CLEAR OUT OF HERE.

I GOT TO LINE UP A
TELEVISION CREW.

AND BE BACK HERE AT 4:30 SHARP.

- RIGHT. RIGHT.

- WITH MY DEAR SWEET BOO BOO.

- RIGHT. RIGHT. WOW.

- WRONG. WRONG. NO.

I AIN'T LETTING YOU GO NO PLACE
WITH MY DEAR SWEET DOGGIE.

- NOW, I'LL ADMIT I'VE
DOUBLE-CROSSED YOU

ON ACCOUNT OF GIRLS
ON RARE OCCASIONS.

- RARE OCCASIONS?

137 TIMES IS RARE OCCASIONS?

COME ON, BOWSER,
LET'S CUT OUT OF HERE.

- MAYNARD, HOLD IT.

SUPPOSING I WAS COOKING
UP A MEAN, EVIL SCHEME,

WHICH I DO NOT FOR
ONE MINUTE CONCEDE,

WHAT WOULD THAT SCHEME
BE? THINK, JUST THINK.

- THINK? ME? NOT
MY LINE OF WORK.

COME ON, FRIEND
OF MAN, THE BEST.

- MAYNARD, WAIT. NO,
MAYNARD, LISTEN TO ME.

WHAT LOW SCHEME
COULD I BE SCHEMING,

TO TURN THIS FINE DOG
OVER TO A CRUEL SCIENTIST

FOR LABORATORY EXPERIMENTS?

THE ANSWER SPRINGS
IMMEDIATELY TO YOUR LIPS.

YOU SAY NO.
- I DO?

- OR AM I SCHEMING TO TURN
HIM OVER TO A CRUEL ESKIMO

TO PULL A HEAVY SLED
THROUGH MOUNTAINOUS SNOWS?

AGAIN YOU SAY NO.
- I DO?

- OF COURSE. THERE'S
NO SNOW HERE.

- I GOTTA GIVE YOU THAT.
- SO YOU SEE

THERE IS NO MEAN, EVIL
SCHEME I COULD BE COOKING UP,

TRUE?
- TRUE.

- ALL THE POSSIBLE DIRTY TRICKS
I COULD HAVE TRICKED YOU WITH

HAVE BEEN ELIMINATED, TRUE?
- TRUE.

- SO, THEREFORE,
YOU TRUST ME, TRUE?

- FALSE.

COME ON, CURLY, SAY
GOODBYE TO RAT FINK DOBIE.

- IT'S A GIRL THAT
OWNS THE DOG, OKAY.

I ADMIT IT.

BUT HOW COULD I BE
INTERESTED IN HER?

SHE'S ONLY SIX YEARS OLD.
- OH?

- A LITTLE SIX-YEAR-OLD
GIRL IS SO GRATEFUL TO YOU

FOR FINDING HER LOST DOG

THAT SHE'S ALREADY
STARTED THINKING OF YOU

AS UNCLE MAYNARD.

- ME? UNCLE MAYNARD?
AND I AIN'T EVEN MARRIED.

- SOMETIMES UNCKIE MAYNARD.

- UNCKIE MAYNARD, AND
I'M NOT EVEN ENGAGED.

- SOMETIMES
UNCKIE-WUNKIE MAYNARD.

- UNCKIE-WUNKIE MAYNARD,
AND I DON'T EVEN GO WITH GIRLS.

GLORIOSKI, WHAT A SWEET LITTLE
NIECE THE STORK BROUGHT ME.

OH, BOY, I'M GETTING ALL MISTY.

- GET MISTY ON YOUR
OWN TIME, MAYNARD.

RIGHT NOW I WANT YOU TO
GET THE DOG OUT OF HERE

SO DAD WON'T COME
BACK AND FIND HIM.

BOY, IF HE KNEW I HAD THAT DOG,

HE'D FIGURE OUT SOME
SNEAKY, CROOKED WAY

TO GET HIS HANDS ON THE RE...

- THE RE WHAT, DOBE?

- THE RE NOTHING, MAYNARD.
JUST TAKE THE DOG TO YOUR HOUSE

AND I'LL PICK HIM UP LATER AND
TAKE HIM TO THAT LITTLE GIRL.

- WHY CAN'T HE STAY HERE?

- WELL, DAD DOESN'T
LIKE DOGS IN THE STORE.

- I DON'T BLAME HIM. THEY'RE
NOT GREAT CUSTOMERS.

- NO. NO.

MAYNARD, IT'S DAD.

- TAKE IT EASY, DOBE.
YOU'LL GET USED TO HIM.

IT TAKES TIME,
LIKE 30, 40 YEARS.

- YEAH. QUICK, HIDE THE DOG.

- HUH? OH.

HOW'S THIS, DOBE?
- NO, MAYNARD.

HERE.

- OH, WILL YOU CUT
IT OUT, SHORTY?

CAN'T YOU SEE I'M
FRESH OUT OF HOT DOGS?

AND BESIDES, CAN'T YOU READ?

LOOK!

- HE AIN'T SMOKING, MR. G.

- MAYNARD, QUIET, AND POOCH?

OUT. OUT. OUT. OUT.
OUT. OUT. OUT. OUT.

MAN, MY FEET ARE KILLING ME.

I'VE BE TRAMPING ALL OVER
TOWN TRYING TO FIND THAT STUPID...

- DAD, WHY DON'T YOU
GO UPSTAIRS AND REST?

- BOY, WHAT A DAY I'VE
HAD. TWICE I GOT BIT,

ONCE I GOT CHASED BY A
FAMILY OF UNFRIENDLY CATS,

AND THREE TIMES THE COPS
PICKED ME UP FOR PROWLING,

BUT I GOTTA KEEP GOING.

I JUST CAME BACK TO
GET SOME HOT DOGS

TO KIND OF RESUME THE HUNT.

I GOTTA FIND THAT... [GROWLING]

- WHAT WAS THAT?
- WHAT WAS WHAT?

[GROWLING]

- THAT.

- OH, THAT. THAT.

I'VE GOT TO WATCH
THOSE CUCUMBERS.

- OH. HEY, WE BETTER SEE
IF THEY GOT SOMETHING

ON THE 2:00 NEWS ABOUT THAT DOG.

SOMEBODY MIGHT HAVE FOUND HIM.

- DOG? WHAT DOG?
WHAT ABOUT A DOG?

- WHAT'S THE MATTER, MAYNARD?
DON'T YOU KNOW NOTHING?

- EVEN LESS.

- WELL, YOU SEE, THERE WAS
THIS MOVING PICTURE ACTRESS,

AND SHE LOST...

- DAD, DID YOU HEAR MOM CALLING?

- WHAT, FROM HER SISTER'S
HOUSE IN CINCINNATI?

- OH, YEAH. I FORGOT.

- WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT
FINDING A DOG, MR. G.?

- MAYNARD, PLEASE
DON'T INTERRUPT.

DAD AND I ARE TALKING.

- YOU'RE TALKING.
I'M TRYING TO LISTEN.

I WANT TO SEE AND HEAR THE NEWS.

- DAD.

- SON.

- DAD.
- SON.

- DAD.

- SON, IF YOU TOUCH THAT
SWITCH JUST ONCE MORE,

YOU'RE GONNA WIND UP

WITH A VERY PECULIAR-LOOKING
FIST FULL OF KNUCKLES.

DO I MAKE MY POINT?

- YOU MAKE IT. YOU MAKE IT.

[GROWLING]

- THERE IT GOES AGAIN.

- NOT ONLY CUCUMBERS,
ALSO RADISHES.

- I SURE WOULD LIKE TO KNOW
ABOUT THAT DOG SOMEBODY...

- MAYNARD, CAN'T
YOU SEE DAD'S TIRED?

YES, DAD, WHAT YOU NEED
IS A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.

NOW, YOU GO UPSTAIRS
AND GO TO BED,

AND I'LL CLOSE UP THE STORE.

- GO TO BED AND
CLOSE UP THE STORE?

IT'S ONLY 2:00 IN THE AFTERNOON.

YOU'RE GETTING TO BE MORE LIKE
YOUR MOTHER'S SIDE OF THE FAMILY

EVERY DAY.
- NOW A SPECIAL BULLETIN.

VALENTINE VAN LOON,
THE FAMOUS FILM STAR,

HAS JUST ANNOUNCED THAT...

- DAD, WHAT DO WE CARE ABOUT
SOME DUMB OLD MOVIE ACTRESS?

WHAT I WANT TO KNOW
IS WHAT'S NEW WITH YOU?

- WHAT'S NEW WITH ME IS THAT

I AM GOING TO DRIVE YOU INTO
THE GROUND LIKE A TENT PEG

IF YOU DON'T CUT OUT
THIS FOOLISHNESS AND...

[GROWLING AND BARKING]

THIS MAY SEEM A DARING
STATEMENT TO MAKE,

BUT OFFHAND, I WOULD SAY

THAT THERE'S SOMETHING
JUST A LITTLE FISHY

GOING ON AROUND HERE.

- FISHY? I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.

- OH, I WOULD.

- YEAH? WELL, EITHER THAT LITTLE
DOG THERE IS A VENTRILOQUIST,

OR THERE'S ANOTHER DOG
UNDERNEATH THE CARTON.

- WHAT DOG? WHAT CARTON?

- STAND ASIDE, BOY, ON
PAIN OF INSTANT MAYHEM.

[GROWLING AND BARKING]

[WHINING]

- THAT'S BOO BOO.

- WHO'S BOO BOO?

ARE YOU BOO BOO?

OH, EXCUSE ME FOR NOT
INTRODUCING YOU, MR. G.,

BUT HE AIN'T TOLD
ME HIS NAME YET.

I JUST MET HIM A
SHORT DISTANCE AGO.

HE BELONGS TO MY
LITTLE SIX-YEAR-OLD NIECE.

SOMETIMES SHE CALLS
ME UNCLE MAYNARD.

- KEEP TALKING, UNCLE MAYNARD.

- MY GOOD BUDDY DOBE,
WHO'S SO LARGE-HEARTED

IS GONNA TAKE HIM TO
MY LITTLE NIECE FOR ME,

AND SOMETIMES SHE CALLS
ME UNCKIE WUNKIE MAYNARD.

AIN'T THAT FRIENDLY?
- OH, YOU BET IT IS, MAYNARD.

AND REMEMBER WHEN IT
COMES TO BEING FRIENDLY,

I AM JUST AS.

COME, MAYNARD.

STUFF YOUR BEARD WITH ALL
THE CANDY BARS YOU WANT,

AND I WILL TAKE CARE OF BOO BOO.

- OH, I WILL CHOCOLATE
MYSELF INTO SUGAR SHOCK.

- STUPO DON'T WHO
THE DOG IS, HUH?

- I MUST HAVE
FORGOTTEN TO TELL HIM.

THE OMISSION IS, SHALL
WE SAY, RATHER AMUSING.

- SHALL WE SAY RATHER SNEAKY?

Both: WE SHALL SAY
RATHER SNEAKY.

- I KNOW A SNEAKY
TRICK WHEN I SEE ONE.

WHO TAUGHT YOU ALL
YOU KNOW ABOUT 'EM, HUH?

- YOU, DAD.
- AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT.

- SO YOU CONNED
MAYNARD OUT OF THE DOG,

AND YOU WERE GONNA TAKE HIM DOWN

AND RETURN HIM TO
THIS VALENTINE VAN LOON

AND COLLECT ALL THAT
OVERWHELMING GRATITUDE, TRUE?

- YES. BUT I'M DOING IT
FOR MAYNARD'S OWN GOOD.

ALL THAT OVERWHELMING
GRATITUDE WOULD OVERWHELM HIM.

YOU KNOW HOW MAYNARD
FEELS ABOUT GIRLS.

IT WOULD MAKE HIM NERVOUS.

- I KNOW HOW YOU
FEEL ABOUT GIRLS.

- YEAH. DAD...

- AND THEN YOU WERE GONNA
DO MAYNARD ANOTHER BIG FAVOR

AND COLLECT THE
$500 REWARD, HUH,

KNOWING THAT ALL THAT MONEY

WOULD MAKE POOR
LITTLE MAYNARD NERVOUS.

TRUE?

- FALSE. I WON'T
EVEN ACCEPT THE $500.

- NOT ACCEPT THE $500?

THAT PROVES IT.
YOU'RE NOT A GILLIS.

I'M GOING TO SUE THAT HOSPITAL.

THE DAY YOU WAS BORN,
THEY GAVE ME THE WRONG KID.

- THE ONLY REWARD
I WANT IS ONE SMILE

FROM VALENTINE'S BEE-STUNG LIPS.

ONE TWINK FROM HER TWINKLY EYE.

- THEN WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

YOU TAKE THE BEE-STUNG
LIPS AND THE TWINKLING EYES,

AND I'LL TAKE THE
$500. IT'S A DEAL?

- A DEAL FOR MONEY?
ABSOLUTELY NOT.

A SENSITIVE GIRL LIKE VALENTINE
WOULD DESPISE MONEY-GRUBBERS,

NO OFFENSE, DAD,
SO THE REWARD'S OUT.

- I'M SORRY YOU SAID THAT, BOY.

- YOU MEAN...
- THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN.

FROM HERE ON IN, IT'S
EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF.

UNCKIE WUNKIE MAYNARD,
YOUR TROUBLES ARE OVER.

I'M GOING TO TAKE THE DOG BACK
TO YOUR LITTLE NIECE FOR YOU.

NOW, AIN'T THAT FRIENDLY?

- OH, VERY FRIENDLY, MR. G.,

CONSIDERING YOU'RE MEAN
AND CRABBY, BUT DOBE SAID...

- FORGET WHAT DOBE SAID.

I'M HANDLING THIS,
AND FROM HERE ON IN,

MAY THE BETTER CONTESTANT
EMERGE VICTORIOUS.

- DAD, YOU'LL RUIN MY ROMANCE.

- YEAH, HOW ABOUT THAT.

- NO, DAD, I KNOW
YOU'RE MY FATHER

AND YOU WALKED THE FLOOR
WITH ME WHEN I WAS A BABY,

AND YOU PAID FOR THE BRACES
ON MY TEETH AND ALL LIKE THAT.

BUT LOVE IS THICKER THAN
BLOOD OR DENTAL BILLS,

AND I'M NOT GONNA
LET YOU WRECK MY LIFE.

FORGIVE ME, BUT
I HAVE NO CHOICE.

- OH, YOU AIN'T GETTING
AWAY WITH MY $500 DOG.

- MAYNARD! MAYNARD, HIDE THE
DOG SOMEPLACE SO DAD CAN'T GET HIM.

- OH! OH!

- MAYNARD, I CAN'T HOLD
HIM MUCH LONGER, GO!

- HEY, DOBE, DON'T KEEP
HIM IN THERE TOO LONG,

OR OOH, IT'S A FROZEN GROCER.

- MAYNARD, GO ALREADY.

- MAYNARD! BOO BOO!

HERE, BOO BOO!

BOO BOO! MAYNARD!

- WELL, THE BIG DOG HUNT WAS ON.

THE HUNTED, THIS BIG DOG.

THE HUNTERS?

MY FATHER, HERBERT T. GILLIS,
AND HIS SON, DOBIE GILLIS.

WE USED TO BE GOOD PALS.

JUST LOOK AT THIS PICTURE.

BUT NOW, ALAS, WE
ARE BITTER ENEMIES.

AND WHY? FOR TWO REASONS.

THE FIRST IS PETTY AND
UNIMPORTANT AND UNWORTHY.

IT'S...
- MONEY.

500 BUCKS WORTH OF GORGEOUS,
DELICIOUS GREEN MONEY.

- NOW, LOOK AT THE OTHER REASON.

REASON NUMBER TWO, SENSIBLE
AND INTELLIGENT AND WORTHWHILE.

- DOBIE DUMPLING, WHEN YOU
BRING MY BOO BOO BACK TO ME,

I'LL BE ETERNALLY AND
OVERWHELMING GRATEFUL TO YOU.

- NOW THERE'S A REASON,

A LOGICAL, LEGITIMATE,
WORTHWHILE REASON.

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE PARK,

THAT BIG DESPERATE BIG
GAME HUNTER, HERBERT T. GILLIS,

WAS CLOSING IN ON HIS VICTIM.

-.

- OH, YOU AIN'T IN
THE MOOD, HUH?

WELL, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
I AIN'T IN TIP-TOP SHAPE MYSELF.

I MEAN, I KNOW I GOT TO LET DOBE

TAKE YOU BACK
TO MY LITTLE NIECE,

BUT MY HEART JUST AIN'T IN IT,
AND NEITHER ARE MY TONSILS.

GEE, I'M SURE GONNA
MISS YOU, GOOD BUDDY.

I'LL BE ALL LONELY AGAIN WITH
NOBODY TO TALK TO EXCEPT PEOPLE.

[WHINING]

SO LIKE, HAIL AND
FAREWELL, DEAR FRIEND,

AND LET ME HEAR FROM
YOU ONCE IN A WHILE,

EVEN IF IT'S ONLY A POSTCARD.

[BARKING]

- GET LOST, FIDO.
GET OUT OF HERE.

LISTEN, I'LL TEAR UP ALL
YOUR LASSIE PICTURES.

CUT IT OUT! WILL YOU CUT IT!

OH, HERE YOU ARE.

YEAH!

YES!

A DOG'S GOTTA GET UP
PRETTY EARLY IN THE MORNING

TO FOOL HERBERT T. GILLIS.

[GROWLING AND BARKING]

- COME ON, DOG!

- STOP THAT DOG!

AND YOU STOP TOO, WILL YOU!

OH! OH, WHO ASKED YOU?

- I'M ASKING YOU, GILLIS,
WHERE'S THE DOG?

- MY FRIEND MAYNARD

PROMISED TO GET
THAT DOG HERE AT 5:00

AND I'M WORRIED.

- WELL, WHY? ISN'T HE RELIABLE?

- OH, HE'S RELIABLE.

HE JUST DOESN'T
TELL TIME TOO GOOD.

- OH, THERE'S ONLY THREE
MINUTES TILL AIR TIME.

WE HAVE GOT TO MOVE!

CHARLIE, CHARLIE, IS THERE
A KID IN THE HALL WITH A DOG?

A KID NAMED MAYNARD?

- HEY, YEAH, WAIT. I
DID SEE A KID WITH A...

WITH A BEARD, AND
HE HAD A DOG WITH HIM.

THEY WERE DOWN BY MISS VAN
LOON'S ROOM TALKING TO HER.

- OH, EVERYTHING IS
A-OKAY AND READY TO GO.

NOW, LISTEN, FELLAS, I WANT
YOU TO GET THIS STRAIGHT.

NOW, WHEN VALENTINE COMES OUT,

I WANT YOU TO COME
IN VERY CLOSE ON HER,

AND THEN I WANT YOU TO PAN OVER

WHEN SHE GOES TO KISS THIS
SCHNOOK, DOPIE, YOU SEE?

- EH, THAT'S DOBIE WITH A B.

- OH, NEVER MIND
THE DULL DETAILS NOW,

WE'RE ON THE AIR IN 20 SECONDS.

VALENTINE! VALENTINE
SWEETIE, ARE YOU READY?

- SPEED, WHY, SOMETHING
GENIUS JUST HAPPENED.

- HONEY, JUST SAVE IT.
IT'S H HOUR MINUS TWO!

ALL RIGHT NOW EVERYBODY,
STAND BY, STAND BY!

- WHERE'S THE DOG?
WHERE'S BOO BOO?

- OH, VALENTINE MUST HAVE HER.

SHE WAS IN THE HALL WITH
YOUR BEARDED FRIEND.

HELLO, AMERICA,

WE INTERRUPT THE BROADCAST
OF THE SUMMIT MEETING IN GENEVA

TO BRING YOU A PROGRAM
OF REAL IMPORTANCE.

HERE SHE IS, THAT RED-HOT
STAR OF SCREEN, TELEVISION,

AND BOSSA NOVA PARTIES,

YOUR NUMBER ONE
TEENAGER, VALENTINE VAN LOON!

- MY HERO. I LOVE YOU MADLY.

- MY BELOVED. I
LOVE YOU LIKEWISE.

- SWEETHEART, THIS
IS JUST FOR YOU.

- OH! MMM. DELICIOUS
TUTTI FRUTTI.

- NO, NOT THAT. THIS.

- HEY, SHE'S TRYING TO
KISS ME, LIKE, HELP, POLICE!

- MAYNARD. MISS VAN LOON,
THERE'S SOME MISTAKE.

- YOU BET THERE
IS, YOU BIG PHONY.

- MISS VAN LOON, THIS IS THE
LOVE AFFAIR OF THE YEAR?

- HE'S JUST A PUBLICITY GRABBER.
HE DIDN'T FIND MY BOO BOO.

- YOU'RE DARN TOOTIN' HE DIDN'T.
I FOUND HIM, AND HERE HE IS.

500 BEAUTIFUL BUCKS
WORTH OF POOCH,

SO START COUNTING, SISTER.

- WHAT ARE YOU,
SOME KIND OF A NUT?

THAT'S NOT BOO BOO.
- OH, YEAH?

WELL, YOUR NAME
OUGHT TO BE BOO BOO

BECAUSE YOU ARE MAKING
THE BIGGEST ONE OF ALL TIME.

MISS VAN LOONEY,
TELL THIS... THIS...

THIS, THAT THIS IS YOUR BOO BOO.

- BUT IT ISN'T.

THIS SWEET BOY HAS
ALREADY RETURNED BOO BOO.

- YES. I AM QUITE CUTE.

- THERE'S MY DEAR SWEET BOO BOO.

- HEY, NOW, JUST A DARN MINUTE.

THAT CAN'T BE BOO
BOO. HE'S TOO SHORT.

YOUR DESCRIPTION SAID THAT
BOO BOO WAS THREE FEET TALL.

- WELL, HE IS THREE FEET TALL

WHEN HE STANDS ON
HIS LITTLE HIND LEGS.

SO YOU GET THE REWARD,
YOU WONDERFUL MAN.

- REMEMBER, NO KISSING.

- NO. THIS REWARD.

20, 40, 60, 80, 100,
120, 140, 60, 80...

- WELL, I'VE LOST HER.

- YOU'VE LOST HER AND
LOOK WHAT I'M LOSING.

SHALL WE?
- YEAH.

- HEY, MR. G. HOW MUCH DO
YOU WANT FOR THAT DOG THERE?

- I DON'T KNOW.

AT THIS POINT, I GOT QUITE A
BIT OF DOUGH INVESTED IN HIM,

A NEW COLLAR, FLEA POWDER,
FOOD. I'D SAY ABOUT 50 BUCKS.

- I'LL GIVE YOU 38 CENTS CASH.
- I'LL TAKE IT.

- MAYNARD, I'VE BEEN
MEANING TO ASK YOU,

HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT
LITTLE DOG WAS BOO BOO?

- HE TOLD ME IN
DOG. HE SPEAKS IT

Both: PRACTICALLY PERFECT.

- I KNOW. I KNOW.

MAYNARD, DO YOU REALLY
BELIEVE DOGS TALK TO YOU?

- OH, SURE, DOBE.

THEY TALK TO ANYBODY.
ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS LISTEN.

[MAYNARD BARKING]

OH, HE DID?

NO. REALLY?

NO KIDDING? GLORIOSKI!

[MAYNARD BARKING]