The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 4, Episode 28 - Now I Lay Me Down to Steal - full transcript
When Herbert, Dobie and Maynard deliver some groceries to Osborne Manor, Dobie spies a beautiful young woman with who he falls in love at first sight. She is Alicia Osborne, Mrs. Osborne's niece. Remarkably, Alicia also falls love at first sight with Dobie. As Alicia's father has more power than Mrs. Osborne within the family, Alicia is able to invite Dobie and Maynard and Herbert to spend the weekend at the estate against Mrs. Osborne's wishes. However, Mrs. Osborne vows everlasting revenge on any of the three if anything goes wrong during their stay. Something does quickly go wrong as some of Mrs. Osborne's jewels go missing from her wall safe. She does not suspect either Dobie or Herbert, who she believes are too stupid to pull off such a heist, but rather Maynard. Dobie and Herbert also suspect Maynard as they have seen him sleepwalking in the middle of the night. Trying to stop his sleepwalking is impacting both Herbert and Dobie, the latter who just can't seem to find any time alone with Alicia. Regardless, Mrs. Osborne calls in the police. Herbert and Dobie try to hide Maynard's sleepwalking from the police while they try to find out what Maynard did with the jewels. Maynard does know more about the jewels' whereabouts than he lets on.
- TALK, YOU LOWDOWN CROOK.
YOU'RE GUILTY.
WE KNOW YOU DONE IT.
- HE'S A TOUGH ONE, CONSTABLE.
TWO HOURS OF GRILLING
AND HE AIN'T CRACKED YET.
- YEAH. HE'S LIKE ALL THEM
DESPERATE CRIMINALS.
MEAN, ROTTEN,
COLD-BLOODED, INHUMAN.
- YOU RANG?
[JAZZ THEME]
- THIS IS MY FRIEND
MAYNARD G. KREBS
IN A RATHER, SHALL
WE SAY, ODD SITUATION
GENERALLY SEEN ONLY
BETWEEN COMMERCIALS
ON "THE UNTOUCHABLES."
I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT
YOU'RE WONDERING.
WHO DID MAYNARD DONE, UH, DO IT
TO, WHERE AND WHEN DID HE DO IT,
AND WHAT WAS IT HE DID?
TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS,
WE MUST GO BACK TO A
PEACEFUL FRIDAY AFTERNOON
AT THE IMPOSING,
TREMENDOUS ESTATE
OF THE IMPOSING, TREMENDOUS
MRS. CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, SR.,
WHERE MY FATHER AND
MAYNARD AND I WERE DELIVERING
A GROCERY ORDER.
- OOH, MAN, WHAT A PAD.
THEM OSBORNES MUST BE
RICHER THAN ROCKEFELLER,
THE U.S. MINT OR DADDY WARBUCKS.
- NEVER MIND HOW
MUCH MONEY THEY...
- WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU, BOY,
STANDING THERE LIKE A
LOVESICK WATER BUFFALO,
AND OH, WHAT A STUPID QUESTION.
WHERE IS SHE?
- I AM ALICIA OSBORNE,
AND I NOW BELIEVE
IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT
FOR I ADORE YOU
WITH ALL MY HEART.
- I AM DOBIE GILLIS AND
I ADORE YOU LIKEWISE.
- AND I AM MAYNARD G. KREBS,
AND I ADORE MY PETRIFIED FROG.
- AND I AM HERBERT T. GILLIS
AND I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE
BEFORE SOME SQUIRREL COMES
ALONG AND STARTS STUFFING
THE WHOLE MESS OF YOU
INTO A HOLLOW TREE TRUNK.
- DOPIE, MY TIGER,
WILL YOU KISS ME?
- THAT'S DOBIE
WITH A B, MY ANGEL,
AND DOES THIS ANSWER
YOUR QUESTION?
AH, ALICIA, MY LOVE, NEVER
HAVE I FELT SUCH IMPACT IN A KISS.
- I WILL PAT YOU LIKE A COCKER
SPANIEL YOU... YOU COCKER SPANIEL.
- IN MY BOOK HE LOOKS
MORE LIKE A CHIHUAHUA,
BUT YOU GOT A POINT.
- HELLO, MRS. OSBORNE.
- GOODBYE, MR. GILLIS.
OUT, NOW, DELIVER YOUR
OVERPRICED GROCERIES
AND HIT THE ROAD.
- NO, AUNT CLARISA.
I LOVE THIS COCKER SPANIEL.
FLOPPY-EARED AND
SHAGGY THOUGH HE MAY BE,
AND I WILL NOT
STIR FROM HIS SIDE
WHILE THERE IS
BREATH IN MY BODY.
- WHAT FIRE, WHAT SPIRIT, WHAT
A BEAUTIFUL THOROUGHBRED.
- THEN HOW COME SHE'S NOT
WHINNYING LIKE [WHINNIES].
- AND BESIDES, MY DADDY,
LAWRENCE MARKS OSBORNE,
CONTROLS THE FAMILY ESTATE.
WELL, AUNT CLARISA?
- WELL, VERY WELL.
I SHALL PROBABLY BE CUT
DEAD AT THE NEXT QUAIL SHOOT,
BUT YOU ARE INVITED
FOR DINNER, GILLIS.
TREMBLEY, LOCK
UP THE BEST SILVER.
- DINNER ISN'T
ENOUGH, AUNT CLARISA.
I WANT YOU TO INVITE DOBIE
TO STAY FOR THE WEEKEND.
- INVITE A GILLIS TO SPEND A
WEEKEND AT OSBORNE MANOR?
I'D SOONER INVITE A KHRUSHCHEV.
- I'M CALLING DADDY.
- I'M INVITING. I'M INVITING.
TREMBLEY, LOCK
UP ALL THE SILVER.
- I'M LOCKING,
MADAM. I'M LOCKING.
- AND FLING THIS OTHER
RAGAMUFFIN INTO THE MOAT.
- I'M FLINGING,
MADAM. I'M FLINGING.
- OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
THE ONLY WAY I LEAVE DOBE
HERE IS OVER MY DEAD BODY.
- AH, THAT'S JUST
THE WAY I LIKE IT.
- HOLD, TREMBLEY.
- YES, MADAM?
- ON SECOND THOUGHT, IT MIGHT BE
WISER IF SEEDY GUEST NUMBER ONE,
NAMELY GILLIS, HAD A CHAPERONE
IN THE PERSON OF SEEDY GUEST
NUMBER TWO, NAMELY DREGS.
- TO KEEP HIM AWAY FROM
SEEDY CHICK NUMBER THREE,
NAMELY YOUR NIECE.
- YOUR ARITHMETIC IS BAFFLING.
YOUR LOGIC IS SOUND.
TREMBLEY, FIX THEM UP A ROOM
IN ONE OF THE TACKIER WINGS.
- HOLD THE PHONE. I HAPPEN
TO BE THE BOY'S FATHER.
AIN'T NOBODY GONNA
ASK ME IF HE CAN STAY?
- RIGHT, AIN'T NOBODY
GONNA ASK YOU.
COME ON, YOUR BUTLERSHIP.
I WANT TO SEE ONE
OF THEM CANDLES
YOU MILLIONAIRES
BURN AT BOTH ENDS.
- NOW, JUST A
MINUTE, SMART APPLES.
I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE
TO ALLOW MY SON
TO STAY HERE OVER THE WEEKEND,
AND THAT'S MY LAST
WORD ON THE SUBJECT,
MY POSITIVELY LAST WORD.
- UH, DAD.
- HUH?
- REMEMBER HOW YOU'RE
ALWAYS TELLING ME
THAT THERE'S ONLY ONE
WAY FOR A LOSER LIKE ME
TO BE A SUCCESS IN LIFE?
- MARRY MONEY, BOY. MARRY MONEY.
MRS. OSBORNE, I WOULD
LIKE TO ADD A LAST WORD
TO MY LAST POSITIVELY LAST WORD.
- HE CAN STAY.
- HE CAN STAY, AND
BLESS YOU, MY CHILDREN.
- OH, THANK YOU, MR. GILLIS.
- ON ONE CONDITION.
- WHAT'S THE CONDITION,
AND I'M ALREADY AGAINST IT.
- I STAY TOO.
I WANT TO MAKE SURE
MY BOY IS TREATED RIGHT.
- OUT.
- IF I'M NOT STAYING,
HE ISN'T STAYING.
- IF HE ISN'T STAYING,
I'M CALLING DADDY.
- HE'S STAYING.
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN TO ME,
ALL THREE OF YOU
LOW-BORN WRETCHES.
AS A RESULT OF
SHAMEFUL BLACKMAIL,
I AM FORCED TO PUT UP WITH YOU
FOR WHAT WILL SURELY BE
AN INTERMINABLE WEEKEND,
BUT I WARN YOU, ONE
FALSE MOVE, ONE FAUX PAS,
IF AS MUCH AS ONE
TEACUP IS SHATTERED,
I'LL SET THE HOUNDS ON YOU.
I'LL DOUSE YOU WITH BOILING OIL.
I'LL BURN YOUR
PERSONAL BELONGINGS.
BUT APART FROM THAT, I
BID YOU A HEARTY WELCOME.
- SO MAYNARD AND DAD AND
I BECAME WEEKEND GUESTS
AT OSBORNE MANOR.
MAYNARD NATURALLY ADJUSTED
IMMEDIATELY TO THE QUIET,
DIGNIFIED, WELL-ORDERED
WAY OF LIFE.
- HEY, LOOK, MR. G., NO HANDS.
- MAYNARD, BE CAREFUL!
- OH, I WAS, MR. G. I WAS.
SHE DIDN'T LAY A GLOVE ON ME.
- THERE WAS ALSO THE
FAMOUS OSBORNE COLLECTION
OF RARE CHINA AND CRYSTAL.
- MAYNARD! OH, MAYNARD, WHAT
DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
- JUGGLING DISHES.
CAN'T YOU TELL?
- BOY, WHAT A PAIN IN THE NECK.
WE HAD TO KEEP MAYNARD
FROM DOING BODILY DAMAGE
TO OSBORNE MANOR FOR THE
REST OF THE DAY AND EVENING.
YOU SEE, ONCE WE GOT HIM TO
BED, HE COULDN'T BREAK ANYTHING,
AND I'D BE SAFE,
AND THEN I COULD BE ALONE
WITH MY BELOVED ALICIA.
AND IF THAT DOGGONE
MAYNARD GIVES DAD ANY TROUBLE
WHEN HE TRIES TO
GET HIM TO SLEEP,
I'M GONNA STRANGLE HIM.
- I WOULDN'T GIVE
YOU ANY TROUBLE.
ALL I WANT TO DO IS GO TO SLEEP.
- WELL, GO TO BED ALREADY.
YOU'VE GIVEN US ENOUGH
HEADACHES FOR ONE DAY.
- AND I GOT STARTED LATE.
IMAGINE WHAT WOULD HAVE
HAPPENED IF I GOT STARTED EARLY.
- OH, THE MIND BOGGLES.
NO, MAYNARD, COME
ON, NOW. GET IN THE BED.
DOBIE'S BEEN WAITING ALL
DAY FOR A CHANCE TO BE ALONE
WITH THAT RICH
MILLIONAIRE OSBORNE GIRL,
AND I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL
DAY FOR A CHANCE TO CHECK OUT
THIS RICH MILLIONAIRE ESTATE,
PART OF WHICH ONE DAY MAY
BELONG TO MY DEAR, BELOVED,
AND GRATEFUL, I HOPE, SON.
NOW, NIGHTY-NIGHT
AND DON'T STALL.
- ME STALL? OH, COME NOW.
WELL, SIR, ANOTHER
DAY HAS COME AND GONE.
NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP.
I PRAY THE LORD MY SOUL TO KEEP.
IF I DIE BEFORE I WAKE, I PRAY
THE LORD MY SOUL TO TAKE.
- THAT'S VERY NICE, MAYNARD.
- OH, YEAH. AND BLESS
MOMMY AND DADDY AND MR. G.
- THANKS, MAYNARD.
- OH, YEAH.
AND BLESS, UM,
DOBE G., AND MRS. G.,
AND ALL MY AUNTS AND UNCLES
AND COUSINS, AND ALL MR. G.'S AUNTS,
UNCLES, AND COUSINS.
- THANKS AGAIN, MAYNARD.
- AND BLESS PRESIDENT
KENNEDY AND MRS. KENNEDY,
AND CAROLINE KENNEDY
AND HER PONY, MACARONI.
- OH, BROTHER.
- OH, YEAH., AND HER LITTLE
BROTHER, PRESIDENT KENNEDY, JR.,
AND WALTER, MY PETRIFIED FROG,
AND HERMAN, MY
BUNNY RABBIT, AND ALICE.
- AND WHO'S ALICE?
- MY OTHER PETRIFIED FROG.
- THAT FIGURES.
- AND SIR, IF YOU'RE NOT
TOO BUSY AFTER ALL THAT,
BLESS ME TOO. AMEN.
- OKAY, MAYNARD.
NOW THEN, GET INTO BED, AND I
WANT YOU TO GO RIGHT TO SLEEP.
OH, YOU'RE A NICE KID, MAYNARD.
IF I COULD JUST FIGURE OUT
SOME WAY TO KEEP YOU SLEEPING
24 HOURS A DAY.
- 24 HOURS A DAY, THAT'S
WHEN I THINK OF YOU,
ALICIA, MY SUNRISE.
AH, ALICIA, MY PET.
YOUR KISSES PACK EVEN MORE
WALLOP THAN I HAD REMEMBERED.
- BREAK! BREAK
THE CLINCH, I SAY.
ALICIA, GO TO YOUR ROOM AT ONCE.
- AUNT CLARISA, IT WAS
JUST A FRIENDLY LITTLE KISS.
YOU KNOW HOW MEN ARE.
- NO, BUT I KNOW HOW THEY WERE.
THAT'S WHY I TELL YOU TO GO
TO YOUR ROOM AT ONCE, ALICIA.
- PLEASE, MRS. OSBORNE.
WE JUST WANT TO SIT OUT
HERE AND ENJOY THE MOONLIGHT.
YOU CAN TRUST ME.
- NOW THAT I LOOK AT
YOU, GILLIS, I THINK I CAN.
MORE'S THE PITY.
I SHALL RETIRE TO MY
QUARTERS, BUT REMEMBER,
MY 200 POWER TELESCOPE
WILL BE TRAINED UPON YOU.
ONE FALSE MOVE, AND I'LL HAVE
YOU FLUNG TO THE CROCODILES.
- AUNT CLARISA, YOU
HAVE NO CROCODILES.
- A WORD OF ADVICE, MY DEAR.
DON'T STICK YOUR FOOT
IN THE SWIMMING POOL.
- ALICIA, YOU ARE
POETRY, YOU ARE MUSIC,
YOU'RE THE SUN AND THE MOON.
- OH, DOBIE, I'VE NEVER
MET ANYONE LIKE YOU.
- YOU HAVE, MY BLOSSOM,
BUT IT IS ONLY IN THE REFLECTION
OF YOUR BEAUTY
THAT I... YI-YI-YI-YI.
- DOBIE, WHAT'S WRONG?
YOU LOOK AS THOUGH YOU
JUST SAW SOME HORRIBLE SIGHT.
- HOW'D YOU GUESS?
NO, NO, I MEAN...
- DOBIE, WHAT ARE
YOU STARING AT?
- CROCODILES.
THAT'S IT, CROCODILES.
- CROCODILES?
- YEAH. YOU KNOW, FROM THE POOL.
- DOBIE.
- YES, MY BELOVED?
- THERE'S NOTHING THERE.
- OF COURSE NOT, MY TIGER, I
WAS MERELY HAVING A LITTLE JOKE.
- NOW, WHERE WERE WE?
- OH, WELL, I WAS TELLING YOU
THAT IT IS ONLY IN THE
REFLECTION OF YOUR BEAUTY
THAT I... YI-YI-YI-YI.
- DOBIE, YOU'VE GOT THAT
GLASSY-EYED LOOK AGAIN.
- IT'S THESE SPELLS. I GET
THEM AT THE FULL MOON.
- THERE'S ONLY A
HALF MOON TONIGHT.
- WELL, IT'S ONLY HALF A SPELL.
EXCUSE ME, MY LOVE, BUT I'VE
GOT TO GO BACK TO MY ROOM.
I JUST REMEMBERED
SOMETHING I FORGOT.
- WHAT IS IT?
- HOW SHOULD I KNOW? I
JUST TOLD YOU I FORGOT.
- MAYNARD? MAYNARD!
WAS THAT THAT STUPID KID?
I'LL... OH!
- DAD, IT WAS MAYNARD.
DID YOU SEE HIM?
- I SAW SOMETHING.
- HE'LL RUIN EVERYTHING
BETWEEN ME AND ALICIA.
HE'LL WRECK MY LIFE.
- YEAH. NEVER MIND
ABOUT YOUR LIFE.
HE'S... LOOK WHAT HE'S
LIABLE TO DO TO MINE.
- I'LL LOOK FOR HIM OVER THERE,
AND IF I FIND HIM,
I'LL BRAIN HIM.
- YEAH. WELL, I'LL LOOK
FOR HIM BACK AT THE HOUSE,
AND IF I FIND HIM FIRST, THERE
WON'T ENOUGH LEFT TO BRAIN.
ALL RIGHT, MAYNARD. STOP
PRETENDING YOU'RE ASLEEP
YOU TROUBLE-MAKING
TROUBLEMAKER, YOU.
- MOMMY!
- MAYNARD!
WHAT WERE YOU DOING
OUT IN THE GARDEN?
- WHAT GARDEN? I
NEVER GO IN GARDENS.
FLOWERS MAKE ME SNEEZE.
[SNEEZES]
- YOU SEE THAT? YOU
WERE OUT IN THE GARDEN,
AND WE SAW YOU OUT THERE.
YOU WERE WALKING AROUND
LIKE SOME KIND OF A ZOMBIE.
I MEAN, MORE LIKE
SOME KIND OF A ZOMBIE
THAN THE ZOMBIE YOU
REALLY ARE. NO OFFENSE.
- NO OFFENSE, MR. G., BUT I
WAS RIGHT HERE IN THE BED,
AND YOU KNOW I AIN'T LYING
'CAUSE I AIN'T SMART ENOUGH.
- I'LL BUY THAT.
MAYNARD, YOU WAS WALKING
IN YOUR SLEEP, THAT'S WHAT.
HERE, LET'S SEE. YEAH, SURE.
YOU'VE GOT GRASS ON YOUR FEET.
HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT?
- I GOT GRASSY
FEET. NEXT QUESTION?
- OH, MAYNARD. YOU
ARE A SLEEPWALKER
AND YOU'RE GONNA
WRECK DOBIE'S CHANCES
OF MAKING SOMETHING
OF HIMSELF AND OF ME TOO.
OH, MAYNARD, YOU'RE...
YOU'RE MISERABLE.
- WELL, I NEVER
SAID I WAS PERFECT.
- MAYNARD, THIS COULD
GET US IN BIG TROUBLE.
NOW, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO.
- COMMIT HARI-KARI. MARY-MARY.
- MAYNARD.
- BERIBERI.
- MAYNARD, PLEASE! WHAT
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO
IS KEEP THIS WHOLE
THING QUIET AS A TOMB,
AND WATCH YOU NIGHT
AND DAY TO BE SURE
YOU DON'T DAMAGE
ANYTHING AROUND HERE
WHILE YOU'RE WALKING IN
YOUR SLEEP, AND THEN AT...
[SIREN]
- NOW HEAR THIS. NOW HEAR THIS.
ALL PERSONNEL WILL REPORT
TO THE LIBRARY IMMEDIATELY.
A MOST UNUSUAL OCCURRENCE
HAS JUST OCCURRED,
THE PUNISHMENT FOR WHICH
IS EXECUTION BY GUILLOTINE.
[SIREN]
- MAYNARD! I GOT TO
ASK YOU A QUESTION.
- WHAT, MR. G.?
- HOW DO YOU FEEL
ABOUT GUILLOTINES?
- SHARPEN THE GUILLOTINE.
ONE OF YOU IS THE CRIMINAL.
- CRIMINAL, MRS.
OSBORNE, WHAT CRIMINAL?
- WHY, THE CRIMINAL THAT
BROKE INTO MY WALL SAFE
AND STOLE MY DIAMOND BRACELET.
IT HAPPENED NOT MORE
THAN 10 MINUTES AGO.
THE VILE THIEF IS
SOMEWHERE IN THIS GROUP,
AND I'M GOING TO FIND HIM.
- WELL, THERE'S NO USE WASTING
THOSE NASTY LOOKS AT US, MRS. O.
HE DONE IT. THE
BUTLER ALWAYS DONE IT.
DON'T YOU WATCH THE MOVIES
ON THE LATE, LATE SHOW?
- TREMBLEY IS UTTERLY
RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTHY.
- THANK YOU, MADAM.
- AND EACH NIGHT I PERSONALLY
CLAMP THE LEG IRONS ON HIM.
- OH, YOU ARE EVERY
INCH AN OSBORNE.
- THAT LEAVES ME.
- YOU, ALICIA, ARE AN OSBORNE,
AND AN OSBORNE NEVER STEALS,
EXCEPT, OF COURSE,
FROM THE POOR.
- MRS. OSBORNE, YOU
DON'T SUSPECT ME, DO YOU?
- YOU, A JEWEL THIEF,
GILLIS? IMPOSSIBLE.
YOU HAVEN'T THE BRAINS.
- AND WHAT ABOUT ME?
- WHAT ABOUT YOU? YOU HAVE
LESS BRAINS THAN YOUR SON,
AND IT TOOK YOU SO
MUCH LONGER TO GET THEM.
- IF THAT'S THE WAY
YOU FIGURE IT, MRS. O.,
I GOT TO BE THE MOST
INNOCENT FELLOW
IN THE WHOLE NORTH
AMERICAN CONTINENT,
'CAUSE I GOT LESS BRAINS THAN
ANYBODY IN THIS WHOLE ROOM.
OH, WHAT A GOOD BOY AM I.
- ON THE OTHER HAND,
THERE'S SOMETHING TRICKY
AND SINISTER ABOUT YOU.
YOU MAY BE SMARTER
THAN YOU LOOK.
- I'D HAVE TO BE.
- I'LL BUY THAT.
WHERE WERE YOU THESE
PAST FEW HOURS, DREGS?
- THAT'S KREBS, YOUR
TYRANTSHIP, AND I WAS SLEEPING.
- SLEEPING? THAT'S
A LIKELY ALIBI.
- I KIND OF LIKELY IT TOO.
- CAN YOU PROVE
YOU WERE SLEEPING?
- SURE. MR. GILLIS SAW
ME. DIDN'T YOU, MR. G?
- WELL...
- SPEAK UP, GILLIS.
WAS HE ASLEEP OR WAS HE NOT?
- OH, HE WAS ASLEEP.
HE WAS FAST ASLEEP,
THAT I CAN GUARANTEE.
- HMM, THIS MAY NOT BE SO EASY,
BUT I'M WARNING YOU, I SHALL
GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS
IF IT TAKES THE LAST
DROP OF BLOOD YOU'VE GOT.
MY DIAMOND BRACELET IS MISSING,
AND SOMEONE WHO
SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS
IS LYING THROUGH HIS BEARD.
- LYING IN HIS BEARD?
MY FRIEND MAYNARD G.
KREBS? OUT OF THE QUESTION.
MAYNARD'S AS HONEST AS THE
DAY IS LONG, BUT WHEN NIGHT FALLS,
WHAT IS MAYNARD REALLY LIKE?
I MEAN, UNDER THAT
SWEET, INNOCENT EXTERIOR,
ARE THERE HIDDEN SPRINGS
OF EVIL AND WICKEDNESS?
[SNORING]
- AH, ALICIA, MY ANGEL.
YOU ARE POETRY, YOU ARE MUSIC,
YOU ARE THE SUN AND THE MOON.
- WAIT A MINUTE, THE LAST
TIME WE WERE TALKING LIKE THIS
YOU STARTED SEEING CROCODILES
AND ACTING LIKE
SOME KIND OF A NUT.
- HAVE NO FEAR, MY DOVE,
IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
- NO MORE CROCODILES?
- NO MORE CROCODILES.
AH, ALICIA, MY ANGEL, YOU
ARE POETRY, YOU ARE MUSIC.
YOUR VOICE IS THE
TINKLING OF A SILVER BELL.
[SNORING]
- MY VISION, IT IS ONLY IN THE
REFLECTION OF YOUR BEAUTY
THAT I-YI-YI-YI-YI.
- DOBIE, WHAT IS IT?
- ALICIA, UH, YOU'RE
NOT GOING TO LIKE THIS.
- NOT CROCODILES?
- CROCODILES.
- OH, NO. NOT AGAIN.
YOU PROMISED.
- OH, YEAH. YEAH, WELL,
IT ISN'T A CROCODILE.
- I'M GLAD.
- IT'S AN ALLIGATOR.
- THERE'S SOMETHING
ODD GOING ON HERE.
- WHY WOULD YOU SAY A
THING LIKE THAT, MY BELOVED?
BEAT IT, YOU STUPID ALLIGATOR.
- I DEMAND THAT
YOU TELL ME WHAT'S...
DOBIE, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- UH, NOWHERE, MY SWEET,
AND I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
MAYNARD?
MAYNARD, WHERE ARE YOU?
MAYNARD?
- MAYNARD? MAYNARD?
MAYNARD? MAYNARD?
COME OUT, COME OUT
WHEREVER YOU ARE.
I WILL BREAK BOTH OF YOUR LEGS.
MAYNARD? MAYNARD?
OH...
- DAD. DAD, HE WAS SLEEPWALKING
IN THE GARDEN AGAIN.
YOU SAID YOU'D
WATCH HIM LIKE A HAWK.
- SO I'M A SLEEPY HAWK
AND HE SNUCK OUT.
- HE'LL RUIN EVERYTHING.
- MAYNARD? MAYNARD?
COME OUT, WHEREVER YOU ARE.
- I BETTER GO BACK
TO THE BEDROOM.
HE MIGHT BE THERE.
- I BETTER GO BACK TO
ALICIA, I MIGHT BE DEAD.
[SNORING]
[SIREN]
- NOW HEAR THIS. NOW HEAR THIS.
ALL PERSONNEL REPORT
TO THE LIBRARY AT ONCE.
ANOTHER PRICELESS
HEIRLOOM HAS BEEN BURGLED.
JUST WAIT TILL I GET MY HANDS
ON THAT GOOD-FOR-NOTHING THIEF.
- NO. NO. NO. OOH, I ALWAYS SAID
YOU WAS IMPOSSIBLE, BUT EVEN
CONSIDERING YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE,
THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE.
- IMPOSSIBLE.
IT IS UTTERLY IMPOSSIBLE
FOR THE THIEF TO ESCAPE.
THE ENTIRE AREA, 20
MILES IN EVERY DIRECTION,
HAS BEEN BOOBY-TRAPPED
WITH HIGH EXPLOSIVES.
NOW TO THE IMPORTANT MATTER.
THE THIEF HAS NOW STOLEN
MY EMERALD BROOCH.
THIS FIENDISH CRIME IS BEYOND
EVEN MY REMARKABLE MIND,
SO I HAVE CALLED
IN THE LOCAL POLICE.
I'M SURE THAT THEY
WILL SOLVE THE CASE,
APPREHEND THE CRIMINAL
IN THEIR USUAL MANNER,
CRISP, COMPETENT
AND SURE-FOOTED.
- AIN'T I SEEN THOSE
GUYS IN "CAR 54"?
- CONSTABLE CASPER.
- OFFICER FILBERT.
- SPEEDY AND SUPER EFFICIENT
WATCHDOGS OF THE LAW, MA'AM.
- WHAT TOOK YOU SO
LONG TO GET HERE?
- SOMEBODY STOLE OUR BIKE.
- I TOO WAS ROBBED
TONIGHT, TWICE.
- HOW ABOUT THAT, LUKE?
WE GOT US A CRIME WAVE HERE.
- LOOK, YOU MEN, OR
WHATEVER IT IS YOU ARE,
START INVESTIGATING
THIS CASE AT ONCE.
- Both: YES, SIR.
- YOU WILL APPREHEND
THE CRIMINAL.
YOU WILL DELIVER HIM
TO ME FOR PUNISHMENT,
AND SHOULD YOU FAIL...
- OH, NO. NO. NO, PLEASE,
NOT THE ALLIGATORS.
- THEY ARE CROCODILES.
NOW GET TO WORK.
- COME ON, LUKE.
- MAYNARD WAS IN HOT WATER,
AND IT WAS FILLED WITH CROCODILES.
WITH MRS. OSBORNE
ALREADY SUSPICIOUS,
AND THOSE TWO POLICEMEN SNIFFING
AROUND, WE HAD TO PROTECT HIM,
BUT WE STILL DIDN'T KNOW,
SO WE WORKED OUT A
PLAN TO FIND OUT FOR SURE.
I WAS ASLEEP, AND DAD
WAS ON GUARD DUTY,
WHEN THE BIG MOMENT ARRIVED.
- MAYNARD!
PSST! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!
AH! AH!
MAYNARD!
MAYNARD! MAYNARD!
MAYNARD!
MAYNARD, COME BACK!
COME BACK, MAYNARD!
OH, MAYNARD, YOU
STUPID NUT! [YELLS]
PSST! PSST!
MAYNARD! MAYNARD!
MAYNARD, WILL YOU...
OH! AH! MAYNARD, YOU'RE
SLEEPING TOO FAST!
OOH!
- ON YOUR FEET, HOODLUM!
- YEAH, HOODLUM, ON YOUR FEET!
- ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! AH!
WHY DON'T YOU GUYS JUST SHOOT
ME AND PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY?
- DON'T LISTEN TO
HIS PLEAS, OFFICER.
IT MAY BE A TRICK.
- HERE'S YOUR CROOK, MA'AM,
WE CAUGHT HIM RED-HANDED.
- HERBERT T. GILLIS, A THIEF?
- HE'S ONE OF THEM
THERE CAT BURGLARS.
- A CAT BURGLAR, OH, FOR
SHAME MR. G., FOR SHAME.
I MEAN, I KNOW YOU'RE
MEAN AND CRANKY,
BUT BURGLARING
A POOR LITTLE CAT.
- OUCH! MAYNARD, WHAT
KIND OF GRATITUDE IS THAT?
- THIS KIND!
- OH, MAYNARD!
THAT DOES IT. THAT DOES IT.
AFTER I KNOCKED MYSELF OUT
FOLLOWING YOU ALL AROUND SO
YOU WON'T STEAL ANY MORE JEWELS
AND NOBODY WILL FIND OUT
THAT YOU'RE THE CAT BURGLAR,
AND OOH, WHAT I SAID.
- GADZOOKS, IT WAS DREGS.
- THAT'S KREBS, YOUR WORSHIP.
- AHA, YOU CONFESS.
- I DO?
- YOU SEE, HE CONFESSED.
- I DON'T.
- DON'T WORRY, MRS. OSBORNE,
WE'LL THIRD DEGREE HIM
UNTIL HIS MIND CRACKS.
- HOW WILL YOU TELL
THE DIFFERENCE?
- JUST LEAVE THAT TO US, MA'AM.
WE GOT OUR OWN METHODS.
- OH, I'M LEAVING.
I'M NOT GOING TO
STAY HERE AND LISTEN
TO THE THIRD DEGREE
OF POOR KLEGS.
I MAY SEEM HARD AND
ROTTEN ON THE OUTSIDE,
BUT ON THE INSIDE, SAME DEAL.
- COME ON NOW, KREBS, TALK.
- SAY SOMETHING. MAKE IT QUICK.
- SPEAK UP.
- TALK.
- OKAY, PETER PIPER PICKED
A PECK OF PICKLED PEPPERS
AND IF PETER PIPER PICKED
A PECK OF PICKLED PEPPERS...
- FOR THREE HOURS
THOSE POLICEMEN
HAMMERED AWAY AT POOR MAYNARD.
THEY THREATENED AND
GROWLED AND HOLLERED
AND FINALLY THE
STRAIN WAS TOO MUCH.
SOMETHING HAD TO
CRACK, AND IT DID.
- I CAN'T STAND IT, I TELL
YOU. I CAN'T STAND IT.
- THERE THERE, MY BOY.
IT HAPPENS TO THE BEST OF US.
- I HATE MYSELF. I'M A FAILURE.
- NOW SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?
YOU DESTROYED HIS
SELF-CONFIDENCE.
YOU MAY DAMAGE HIS WHOLE
FUTURE AS A POLICE OFFICER.
- I APOLOGIZE, SIR. I'M
NOT BAD, JUST WEAK.
[CRYING]
- OH, THERE'S ONLY ONE
THING TO DO, NAMELY CONFESS.
- CONFESS?
- LIKE, TRUE.
I DONE IT. I STOLE
ALL THEM JEWELRIES.
- TAKE THIS DOWN, FILBERT.
- GOTCHA, CHIEF.
- COME ON NOW, KREBS, SPILL IT.
WHO HELPED YOU PULL THE JOB?
- NOBODY. I DONE IT ALONE.
- STOP LYING. NOBODY
COULD DO ALL THAT ALONE.
- OKAY, THEN I HAD HELP.
- UH-HUH, HOW MANY?
- HOW MANY DO YOU THINK?
- AT LEAST TWO.
- THAT'S WHAT I
HAD, AT LEAST TWO.
- NAME THEM.
- DO I HAVE TO?
- YEAH, YOU HAVE TO.
- THE ONLY TWO PEOPLE I
KNOW ARE MR. G. AND DOBE.
- GILLIS AND HIS SON, HUH?
LOOKS LIKE WE NABBED US A
WHOLE GANG OF CROOKS, LUKE.
- YEAH. THE KREBS GANG.
THAT'S WHAT THE MOB CALLS US.
- WHAT MOB?
- THE MOB THAT CALLS
US THE KREBS GANG.
- YOU TAKING THIS DOWN, LUKE?
- OH, YEAH.
- YOU KNOW THAT BIG ROBBERY
DOWN AT THE FISH MARKET?
THAT WAS US. WE CALLED
IT THE KIPPER CAPER.
THEN THE PITTSBURGH PILFER
AND THE BALTIMORE BURGLE
AND THE LOUISVILLE LARCENY,
AND WHO DO YOU THINK
KILLED COCK ROBIN?
- MRS. OSBORNE.
- NO, ME. AND I GOT ABOUT
30 MORE UNSOLVED CRIMES
FOR YOU TO SOLVE.
- YOU DIDN'T STEAL THOSE JEWELS,
KREBS, IT WAS MRS. OSBORNE.
SHE DID IT IN HER SLEEP.
- SURE, I COULD
HAVE TOLD YOU THAT.
I RAN INTO HER ONE NIGHT
WHEN I WAS SLEEPWALKING.
- WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING?
- NOT ME, I AIN'T
NO STOOL PIGEON.
- ALLOW ME, MA'AM.
US SLEEPWALKERS
GOTTA STICK TOGETHER.
WE AIN'T GOT NO UNION.
- DOBIE, IT'S BEEN
A FUN WEEKEND.
- FUN INDEED, MY
GREAT TAWNY ANIMAL.
BUT IT'S ONLY THE BEGINNING.
- CORRECTION,
WHAT IT IS IS THE END.
I'M DUMPING YOU.
- DUMPING ME? BUT WE
ONLY MET TWO DAYS AGO.
- YES, AND THAT'S LONG ENOUGH.
WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM,
AN OLD STICK IN THE MUD?
- BUT ME NO BUTS, WALDO,
JUST GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS.
- OW! NOW, LOOK, MRS. OSBORNE...
YOU'RE GUILTY.
WE KNOW YOU DONE IT.
- HE'S A TOUGH ONE, CONSTABLE.
TWO HOURS OF GRILLING
AND HE AIN'T CRACKED YET.
- YEAH. HE'S LIKE ALL THEM
DESPERATE CRIMINALS.
MEAN, ROTTEN,
COLD-BLOODED, INHUMAN.
- YOU RANG?
[JAZZ THEME]
- THIS IS MY FRIEND
MAYNARD G. KREBS
IN A RATHER, SHALL
WE SAY, ODD SITUATION
GENERALLY SEEN ONLY
BETWEEN COMMERCIALS
ON "THE UNTOUCHABLES."
I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT
YOU'RE WONDERING.
WHO DID MAYNARD DONE, UH, DO IT
TO, WHERE AND WHEN DID HE DO IT,
AND WHAT WAS IT HE DID?
TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS,
WE MUST GO BACK TO A
PEACEFUL FRIDAY AFTERNOON
AT THE IMPOSING,
TREMENDOUS ESTATE
OF THE IMPOSING, TREMENDOUS
MRS. CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, SR.,
WHERE MY FATHER AND
MAYNARD AND I WERE DELIVERING
A GROCERY ORDER.
- OOH, MAN, WHAT A PAD.
THEM OSBORNES MUST BE
RICHER THAN ROCKEFELLER,
THE U.S. MINT OR DADDY WARBUCKS.
- NEVER MIND HOW
MUCH MONEY THEY...
- WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU, BOY,
STANDING THERE LIKE A
LOVESICK WATER BUFFALO,
AND OH, WHAT A STUPID QUESTION.
WHERE IS SHE?
- I AM ALICIA OSBORNE,
AND I NOW BELIEVE
IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT
FOR I ADORE YOU
WITH ALL MY HEART.
- I AM DOBIE GILLIS AND
I ADORE YOU LIKEWISE.
- AND I AM MAYNARD G. KREBS,
AND I ADORE MY PETRIFIED FROG.
- AND I AM HERBERT T. GILLIS
AND I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE
BEFORE SOME SQUIRREL COMES
ALONG AND STARTS STUFFING
THE WHOLE MESS OF YOU
INTO A HOLLOW TREE TRUNK.
- DOPIE, MY TIGER,
WILL YOU KISS ME?
- THAT'S DOBIE
WITH A B, MY ANGEL,
AND DOES THIS ANSWER
YOUR QUESTION?
AH, ALICIA, MY LOVE, NEVER
HAVE I FELT SUCH IMPACT IN A KISS.
- I WILL PAT YOU LIKE A COCKER
SPANIEL YOU... YOU COCKER SPANIEL.
- IN MY BOOK HE LOOKS
MORE LIKE A CHIHUAHUA,
BUT YOU GOT A POINT.
- HELLO, MRS. OSBORNE.
- GOODBYE, MR. GILLIS.
OUT, NOW, DELIVER YOUR
OVERPRICED GROCERIES
AND HIT THE ROAD.
- NO, AUNT CLARISA.
I LOVE THIS COCKER SPANIEL.
FLOPPY-EARED AND
SHAGGY THOUGH HE MAY BE,
AND I WILL NOT
STIR FROM HIS SIDE
WHILE THERE IS
BREATH IN MY BODY.
- WHAT FIRE, WHAT SPIRIT, WHAT
A BEAUTIFUL THOROUGHBRED.
- THEN HOW COME SHE'S NOT
WHINNYING LIKE [WHINNIES].
- AND BESIDES, MY DADDY,
LAWRENCE MARKS OSBORNE,
CONTROLS THE FAMILY ESTATE.
WELL, AUNT CLARISA?
- WELL, VERY WELL.
I SHALL PROBABLY BE CUT
DEAD AT THE NEXT QUAIL SHOOT,
BUT YOU ARE INVITED
FOR DINNER, GILLIS.
TREMBLEY, LOCK
UP THE BEST SILVER.
- DINNER ISN'T
ENOUGH, AUNT CLARISA.
I WANT YOU TO INVITE DOBIE
TO STAY FOR THE WEEKEND.
- INVITE A GILLIS TO SPEND A
WEEKEND AT OSBORNE MANOR?
I'D SOONER INVITE A KHRUSHCHEV.
- I'M CALLING DADDY.
- I'M INVITING. I'M INVITING.
TREMBLEY, LOCK
UP ALL THE SILVER.
- I'M LOCKING,
MADAM. I'M LOCKING.
- AND FLING THIS OTHER
RAGAMUFFIN INTO THE MOAT.
- I'M FLINGING,
MADAM. I'M FLINGING.
- OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
THE ONLY WAY I LEAVE DOBE
HERE IS OVER MY DEAD BODY.
- AH, THAT'S JUST
THE WAY I LIKE IT.
- HOLD, TREMBLEY.
- YES, MADAM?
- ON SECOND THOUGHT, IT MIGHT BE
WISER IF SEEDY GUEST NUMBER ONE,
NAMELY GILLIS, HAD A CHAPERONE
IN THE PERSON OF SEEDY GUEST
NUMBER TWO, NAMELY DREGS.
- TO KEEP HIM AWAY FROM
SEEDY CHICK NUMBER THREE,
NAMELY YOUR NIECE.
- YOUR ARITHMETIC IS BAFFLING.
YOUR LOGIC IS SOUND.
TREMBLEY, FIX THEM UP A ROOM
IN ONE OF THE TACKIER WINGS.
- HOLD THE PHONE. I HAPPEN
TO BE THE BOY'S FATHER.
AIN'T NOBODY GONNA
ASK ME IF HE CAN STAY?
- RIGHT, AIN'T NOBODY
GONNA ASK YOU.
COME ON, YOUR BUTLERSHIP.
I WANT TO SEE ONE
OF THEM CANDLES
YOU MILLIONAIRES
BURN AT BOTH ENDS.
- NOW, JUST A
MINUTE, SMART APPLES.
I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE
TO ALLOW MY SON
TO STAY HERE OVER THE WEEKEND,
AND THAT'S MY LAST
WORD ON THE SUBJECT,
MY POSITIVELY LAST WORD.
- UH, DAD.
- HUH?
- REMEMBER HOW YOU'RE
ALWAYS TELLING ME
THAT THERE'S ONLY ONE
WAY FOR A LOSER LIKE ME
TO BE A SUCCESS IN LIFE?
- MARRY MONEY, BOY. MARRY MONEY.
MRS. OSBORNE, I WOULD
LIKE TO ADD A LAST WORD
TO MY LAST POSITIVELY LAST WORD.
- HE CAN STAY.
- HE CAN STAY, AND
BLESS YOU, MY CHILDREN.
- OH, THANK YOU, MR. GILLIS.
- ON ONE CONDITION.
- WHAT'S THE CONDITION,
AND I'M ALREADY AGAINST IT.
- I STAY TOO.
I WANT TO MAKE SURE
MY BOY IS TREATED RIGHT.
- OUT.
- IF I'M NOT STAYING,
HE ISN'T STAYING.
- IF HE ISN'T STAYING,
I'M CALLING DADDY.
- HE'S STAYING.
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN TO ME,
ALL THREE OF YOU
LOW-BORN WRETCHES.
AS A RESULT OF
SHAMEFUL BLACKMAIL,
I AM FORCED TO PUT UP WITH YOU
FOR WHAT WILL SURELY BE
AN INTERMINABLE WEEKEND,
BUT I WARN YOU, ONE
FALSE MOVE, ONE FAUX PAS,
IF AS MUCH AS ONE
TEACUP IS SHATTERED,
I'LL SET THE HOUNDS ON YOU.
I'LL DOUSE YOU WITH BOILING OIL.
I'LL BURN YOUR
PERSONAL BELONGINGS.
BUT APART FROM THAT, I
BID YOU A HEARTY WELCOME.
- SO MAYNARD AND DAD AND
I BECAME WEEKEND GUESTS
AT OSBORNE MANOR.
MAYNARD NATURALLY ADJUSTED
IMMEDIATELY TO THE QUIET,
DIGNIFIED, WELL-ORDERED
WAY OF LIFE.
- HEY, LOOK, MR. G., NO HANDS.
- MAYNARD, BE CAREFUL!
- OH, I WAS, MR. G. I WAS.
SHE DIDN'T LAY A GLOVE ON ME.
- THERE WAS ALSO THE
FAMOUS OSBORNE COLLECTION
OF RARE CHINA AND CRYSTAL.
- MAYNARD! OH, MAYNARD, WHAT
DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
- JUGGLING DISHES.
CAN'T YOU TELL?
- BOY, WHAT A PAIN IN THE NECK.
WE HAD TO KEEP MAYNARD
FROM DOING BODILY DAMAGE
TO OSBORNE MANOR FOR THE
REST OF THE DAY AND EVENING.
YOU SEE, ONCE WE GOT HIM TO
BED, HE COULDN'T BREAK ANYTHING,
AND I'D BE SAFE,
AND THEN I COULD BE ALONE
WITH MY BELOVED ALICIA.
AND IF THAT DOGGONE
MAYNARD GIVES DAD ANY TROUBLE
WHEN HE TRIES TO
GET HIM TO SLEEP,
I'M GONNA STRANGLE HIM.
- I WOULDN'T GIVE
YOU ANY TROUBLE.
ALL I WANT TO DO IS GO TO SLEEP.
- WELL, GO TO BED ALREADY.
YOU'VE GIVEN US ENOUGH
HEADACHES FOR ONE DAY.
- AND I GOT STARTED LATE.
IMAGINE WHAT WOULD HAVE
HAPPENED IF I GOT STARTED EARLY.
- OH, THE MIND BOGGLES.
NO, MAYNARD, COME
ON, NOW. GET IN THE BED.
DOBIE'S BEEN WAITING ALL
DAY FOR A CHANCE TO BE ALONE
WITH THAT RICH
MILLIONAIRE OSBORNE GIRL,
AND I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL
DAY FOR A CHANCE TO CHECK OUT
THIS RICH MILLIONAIRE ESTATE,
PART OF WHICH ONE DAY MAY
BELONG TO MY DEAR, BELOVED,
AND GRATEFUL, I HOPE, SON.
NOW, NIGHTY-NIGHT
AND DON'T STALL.
- ME STALL? OH, COME NOW.
WELL, SIR, ANOTHER
DAY HAS COME AND GONE.
NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP.
I PRAY THE LORD MY SOUL TO KEEP.
IF I DIE BEFORE I WAKE, I PRAY
THE LORD MY SOUL TO TAKE.
- THAT'S VERY NICE, MAYNARD.
- OH, YEAH. AND BLESS
MOMMY AND DADDY AND MR. G.
- THANKS, MAYNARD.
- OH, YEAH.
AND BLESS, UM,
DOBE G., AND MRS. G.,
AND ALL MY AUNTS AND UNCLES
AND COUSINS, AND ALL MR. G.'S AUNTS,
UNCLES, AND COUSINS.
- THANKS AGAIN, MAYNARD.
- AND BLESS PRESIDENT
KENNEDY AND MRS. KENNEDY,
AND CAROLINE KENNEDY
AND HER PONY, MACARONI.
- OH, BROTHER.
- OH, YEAH., AND HER LITTLE
BROTHER, PRESIDENT KENNEDY, JR.,
AND WALTER, MY PETRIFIED FROG,
AND HERMAN, MY
BUNNY RABBIT, AND ALICE.
- AND WHO'S ALICE?
- MY OTHER PETRIFIED FROG.
- THAT FIGURES.
- AND SIR, IF YOU'RE NOT
TOO BUSY AFTER ALL THAT,
BLESS ME TOO. AMEN.
- OKAY, MAYNARD.
NOW THEN, GET INTO BED, AND I
WANT YOU TO GO RIGHT TO SLEEP.
OH, YOU'RE A NICE KID, MAYNARD.
IF I COULD JUST FIGURE OUT
SOME WAY TO KEEP YOU SLEEPING
24 HOURS A DAY.
- 24 HOURS A DAY, THAT'S
WHEN I THINK OF YOU,
ALICIA, MY SUNRISE.
AH, ALICIA, MY PET.
YOUR KISSES PACK EVEN MORE
WALLOP THAN I HAD REMEMBERED.
- BREAK! BREAK
THE CLINCH, I SAY.
ALICIA, GO TO YOUR ROOM AT ONCE.
- AUNT CLARISA, IT WAS
JUST A FRIENDLY LITTLE KISS.
YOU KNOW HOW MEN ARE.
- NO, BUT I KNOW HOW THEY WERE.
THAT'S WHY I TELL YOU TO GO
TO YOUR ROOM AT ONCE, ALICIA.
- PLEASE, MRS. OSBORNE.
WE JUST WANT TO SIT OUT
HERE AND ENJOY THE MOONLIGHT.
YOU CAN TRUST ME.
- NOW THAT I LOOK AT
YOU, GILLIS, I THINK I CAN.
MORE'S THE PITY.
I SHALL RETIRE TO MY
QUARTERS, BUT REMEMBER,
MY 200 POWER TELESCOPE
WILL BE TRAINED UPON YOU.
ONE FALSE MOVE, AND I'LL HAVE
YOU FLUNG TO THE CROCODILES.
- AUNT CLARISA, YOU
HAVE NO CROCODILES.
- A WORD OF ADVICE, MY DEAR.
DON'T STICK YOUR FOOT
IN THE SWIMMING POOL.
- ALICIA, YOU ARE
POETRY, YOU ARE MUSIC,
YOU'RE THE SUN AND THE MOON.
- OH, DOBIE, I'VE NEVER
MET ANYONE LIKE YOU.
- YOU HAVE, MY BLOSSOM,
BUT IT IS ONLY IN THE REFLECTION
OF YOUR BEAUTY
THAT I... YI-YI-YI-YI.
- DOBIE, WHAT'S WRONG?
YOU LOOK AS THOUGH YOU
JUST SAW SOME HORRIBLE SIGHT.
- HOW'D YOU GUESS?
NO, NO, I MEAN...
- DOBIE, WHAT ARE
YOU STARING AT?
- CROCODILES.
THAT'S IT, CROCODILES.
- CROCODILES?
- YEAH. YOU KNOW, FROM THE POOL.
- DOBIE.
- YES, MY BELOVED?
- THERE'S NOTHING THERE.
- OF COURSE NOT, MY TIGER, I
WAS MERELY HAVING A LITTLE JOKE.
- NOW, WHERE WERE WE?
- OH, WELL, I WAS TELLING YOU
THAT IT IS ONLY IN THE
REFLECTION OF YOUR BEAUTY
THAT I... YI-YI-YI-YI.
- DOBIE, YOU'VE GOT THAT
GLASSY-EYED LOOK AGAIN.
- IT'S THESE SPELLS. I GET
THEM AT THE FULL MOON.
- THERE'S ONLY A
HALF MOON TONIGHT.
- WELL, IT'S ONLY HALF A SPELL.
EXCUSE ME, MY LOVE, BUT I'VE
GOT TO GO BACK TO MY ROOM.
I JUST REMEMBERED
SOMETHING I FORGOT.
- WHAT IS IT?
- HOW SHOULD I KNOW? I
JUST TOLD YOU I FORGOT.
- MAYNARD? MAYNARD!
WAS THAT THAT STUPID KID?
I'LL... OH!
- DAD, IT WAS MAYNARD.
DID YOU SEE HIM?
- I SAW SOMETHING.
- HE'LL RUIN EVERYTHING
BETWEEN ME AND ALICIA.
HE'LL WRECK MY LIFE.
- YEAH. NEVER MIND
ABOUT YOUR LIFE.
HE'S... LOOK WHAT HE'S
LIABLE TO DO TO MINE.
- I'LL LOOK FOR HIM OVER THERE,
AND IF I FIND HIM,
I'LL BRAIN HIM.
- YEAH. WELL, I'LL LOOK
FOR HIM BACK AT THE HOUSE,
AND IF I FIND HIM FIRST, THERE
WON'T ENOUGH LEFT TO BRAIN.
ALL RIGHT, MAYNARD. STOP
PRETENDING YOU'RE ASLEEP
YOU TROUBLE-MAKING
TROUBLEMAKER, YOU.
- MOMMY!
- MAYNARD!
WHAT WERE YOU DOING
OUT IN THE GARDEN?
- WHAT GARDEN? I
NEVER GO IN GARDENS.
FLOWERS MAKE ME SNEEZE.
[SNEEZES]
- YOU SEE THAT? YOU
WERE OUT IN THE GARDEN,
AND WE SAW YOU OUT THERE.
YOU WERE WALKING AROUND
LIKE SOME KIND OF A ZOMBIE.
I MEAN, MORE LIKE
SOME KIND OF A ZOMBIE
THAN THE ZOMBIE YOU
REALLY ARE. NO OFFENSE.
- NO OFFENSE, MR. G., BUT I
WAS RIGHT HERE IN THE BED,
AND YOU KNOW I AIN'T LYING
'CAUSE I AIN'T SMART ENOUGH.
- I'LL BUY THAT.
MAYNARD, YOU WAS WALKING
IN YOUR SLEEP, THAT'S WHAT.
HERE, LET'S SEE. YEAH, SURE.
YOU'VE GOT GRASS ON YOUR FEET.
HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT?
- I GOT GRASSY
FEET. NEXT QUESTION?
- OH, MAYNARD. YOU
ARE A SLEEPWALKER
AND YOU'RE GONNA
WRECK DOBIE'S CHANCES
OF MAKING SOMETHING
OF HIMSELF AND OF ME TOO.
OH, MAYNARD, YOU'RE...
YOU'RE MISERABLE.
- WELL, I NEVER
SAID I WAS PERFECT.
- MAYNARD, THIS COULD
GET US IN BIG TROUBLE.
NOW, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO.
- COMMIT HARI-KARI. MARY-MARY.
- MAYNARD.
- BERIBERI.
- MAYNARD, PLEASE! WHAT
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO
IS KEEP THIS WHOLE
THING QUIET AS A TOMB,
AND WATCH YOU NIGHT
AND DAY TO BE SURE
YOU DON'T DAMAGE
ANYTHING AROUND HERE
WHILE YOU'RE WALKING IN
YOUR SLEEP, AND THEN AT...
[SIREN]
- NOW HEAR THIS. NOW HEAR THIS.
ALL PERSONNEL WILL REPORT
TO THE LIBRARY IMMEDIATELY.
A MOST UNUSUAL OCCURRENCE
HAS JUST OCCURRED,
THE PUNISHMENT FOR WHICH
IS EXECUTION BY GUILLOTINE.
[SIREN]
- MAYNARD! I GOT TO
ASK YOU A QUESTION.
- WHAT, MR. G.?
- HOW DO YOU FEEL
ABOUT GUILLOTINES?
- SHARPEN THE GUILLOTINE.
ONE OF YOU IS THE CRIMINAL.
- CRIMINAL, MRS.
OSBORNE, WHAT CRIMINAL?
- WHY, THE CRIMINAL THAT
BROKE INTO MY WALL SAFE
AND STOLE MY DIAMOND BRACELET.
IT HAPPENED NOT MORE
THAN 10 MINUTES AGO.
THE VILE THIEF IS
SOMEWHERE IN THIS GROUP,
AND I'M GOING TO FIND HIM.
- WELL, THERE'S NO USE WASTING
THOSE NASTY LOOKS AT US, MRS. O.
HE DONE IT. THE
BUTLER ALWAYS DONE IT.
DON'T YOU WATCH THE MOVIES
ON THE LATE, LATE SHOW?
- TREMBLEY IS UTTERLY
RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTHY.
- THANK YOU, MADAM.
- AND EACH NIGHT I PERSONALLY
CLAMP THE LEG IRONS ON HIM.
- OH, YOU ARE EVERY
INCH AN OSBORNE.
- THAT LEAVES ME.
- YOU, ALICIA, ARE AN OSBORNE,
AND AN OSBORNE NEVER STEALS,
EXCEPT, OF COURSE,
FROM THE POOR.
- MRS. OSBORNE, YOU
DON'T SUSPECT ME, DO YOU?
- YOU, A JEWEL THIEF,
GILLIS? IMPOSSIBLE.
YOU HAVEN'T THE BRAINS.
- AND WHAT ABOUT ME?
- WHAT ABOUT YOU? YOU HAVE
LESS BRAINS THAN YOUR SON,
AND IT TOOK YOU SO
MUCH LONGER TO GET THEM.
- IF THAT'S THE WAY
YOU FIGURE IT, MRS. O.,
I GOT TO BE THE MOST
INNOCENT FELLOW
IN THE WHOLE NORTH
AMERICAN CONTINENT,
'CAUSE I GOT LESS BRAINS THAN
ANYBODY IN THIS WHOLE ROOM.
OH, WHAT A GOOD BOY AM I.
- ON THE OTHER HAND,
THERE'S SOMETHING TRICKY
AND SINISTER ABOUT YOU.
YOU MAY BE SMARTER
THAN YOU LOOK.
- I'D HAVE TO BE.
- I'LL BUY THAT.
WHERE WERE YOU THESE
PAST FEW HOURS, DREGS?
- THAT'S KREBS, YOUR
TYRANTSHIP, AND I WAS SLEEPING.
- SLEEPING? THAT'S
A LIKELY ALIBI.
- I KIND OF LIKELY IT TOO.
- CAN YOU PROVE
YOU WERE SLEEPING?
- SURE. MR. GILLIS SAW
ME. DIDN'T YOU, MR. G?
- WELL...
- SPEAK UP, GILLIS.
WAS HE ASLEEP OR WAS HE NOT?
- OH, HE WAS ASLEEP.
HE WAS FAST ASLEEP,
THAT I CAN GUARANTEE.
- HMM, THIS MAY NOT BE SO EASY,
BUT I'M WARNING YOU, I SHALL
GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS
IF IT TAKES THE LAST
DROP OF BLOOD YOU'VE GOT.
MY DIAMOND BRACELET IS MISSING,
AND SOMEONE WHO
SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS
IS LYING THROUGH HIS BEARD.
- LYING IN HIS BEARD?
MY FRIEND MAYNARD G.
KREBS? OUT OF THE QUESTION.
MAYNARD'S AS HONEST AS THE
DAY IS LONG, BUT WHEN NIGHT FALLS,
WHAT IS MAYNARD REALLY LIKE?
I MEAN, UNDER THAT
SWEET, INNOCENT EXTERIOR,
ARE THERE HIDDEN SPRINGS
OF EVIL AND WICKEDNESS?
[SNORING]
- AH, ALICIA, MY ANGEL.
YOU ARE POETRY, YOU ARE MUSIC,
YOU ARE THE SUN AND THE MOON.
- WAIT A MINUTE, THE LAST
TIME WE WERE TALKING LIKE THIS
YOU STARTED SEEING CROCODILES
AND ACTING LIKE
SOME KIND OF A NUT.
- HAVE NO FEAR, MY DOVE,
IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
- NO MORE CROCODILES?
- NO MORE CROCODILES.
AH, ALICIA, MY ANGEL, YOU
ARE POETRY, YOU ARE MUSIC.
YOUR VOICE IS THE
TINKLING OF A SILVER BELL.
[SNORING]
- MY VISION, IT IS ONLY IN THE
REFLECTION OF YOUR BEAUTY
THAT I-YI-YI-YI-YI.
- DOBIE, WHAT IS IT?
- ALICIA, UH, YOU'RE
NOT GOING TO LIKE THIS.
- NOT CROCODILES?
- CROCODILES.
- OH, NO. NOT AGAIN.
YOU PROMISED.
- OH, YEAH. YEAH, WELL,
IT ISN'T A CROCODILE.
- I'M GLAD.
- IT'S AN ALLIGATOR.
- THERE'S SOMETHING
ODD GOING ON HERE.
- WHY WOULD YOU SAY A
THING LIKE THAT, MY BELOVED?
BEAT IT, YOU STUPID ALLIGATOR.
- I DEMAND THAT
YOU TELL ME WHAT'S...
DOBIE, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- UH, NOWHERE, MY SWEET,
AND I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
MAYNARD?
MAYNARD, WHERE ARE YOU?
MAYNARD?
- MAYNARD? MAYNARD?
MAYNARD? MAYNARD?
COME OUT, COME OUT
WHEREVER YOU ARE.
I WILL BREAK BOTH OF YOUR LEGS.
MAYNARD? MAYNARD?
OH...
- DAD. DAD, HE WAS SLEEPWALKING
IN THE GARDEN AGAIN.
YOU SAID YOU'D
WATCH HIM LIKE A HAWK.
- SO I'M A SLEEPY HAWK
AND HE SNUCK OUT.
- HE'LL RUIN EVERYTHING.
- MAYNARD? MAYNARD?
COME OUT, WHEREVER YOU ARE.
- I BETTER GO BACK
TO THE BEDROOM.
HE MIGHT BE THERE.
- I BETTER GO BACK TO
ALICIA, I MIGHT BE DEAD.
[SNORING]
[SIREN]
- NOW HEAR THIS. NOW HEAR THIS.
ALL PERSONNEL REPORT
TO THE LIBRARY AT ONCE.
ANOTHER PRICELESS
HEIRLOOM HAS BEEN BURGLED.
JUST WAIT TILL I GET MY HANDS
ON THAT GOOD-FOR-NOTHING THIEF.
- NO. NO. NO. OOH, I ALWAYS SAID
YOU WAS IMPOSSIBLE, BUT EVEN
CONSIDERING YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE,
THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE.
- IMPOSSIBLE.
IT IS UTTERLY IMPOSSIBLE
FOR THE THIEF TO ESCAPE.
THE ENTIRE AREA, 20
MILES IN EVERY DIRECTION,
HAS BEEN BOOBY-TRAPPED
WITH HIGH EXPLOSIVES.
NOW TO THE IMPORTANT MATTER.
THE THIEF HAS NOW STOLEN
MY EMERALD BROOCH.
THIS FIENDISH CRIME IS BEYOND
EVEN MY REMARKABLE MIND,
SO I HAVE CALLED
IN THE LOCAL POLICE.
I'M SURE THAT THEY
WILL SOLVE THE CASE,
APPREHEND THE CRIMINAL
IN THEIR USUAL MANNER,
CRISP, COMPETENT
AND SURE-FOOTED.
- AIN'T I SEEN THOSE
GUYS IN "CAR 54"?
- CONSTABLE CASPER.
- OFFICER FILBERT.
- SPEEDY AND SUPER EFFICIENT
WATCHDOGS OF THE LAW, MA'AM.
- WHAT TOOK YOU SO
LONG TO GET HERE?
- SOMEBODY STOLE OUR BIKE.
- I TOO WAS ROBBED
TONIGHT, TWICE.
- HOW ABOUT THAT, LUKE?
WE GOT US A CRIME WAVE HERE.
- LOOK, YOU MEN, OR
WHATEVER IT IS YOU ARE,
START INVESTIGATING
THIS CASE AT ONCE.
- Both: YES, SIR.
- YOU WILL APPREHEND
THE CRIMINAL.
YOU WILL DELIVER HIM
TO ME FOR PUNISHMENT,
AND SHOULD YOU FAIL...
- OH, NO. NO. NO, PLEASE,
NOT THE ALLIGATORS.
- THEY ARE CROCODILES.
NOW GET TO WORK.
- COME ON, LUKE.
- MAYNARD WAS IN HOT WATER,
AND IT WAS FILLED WITH CROCODILES.
WITH MRS. OSBORNE
ALREADY SUSPICIOUS,
AND THOSE TWO POLICEMEN SNIFFING
AROUND, WE HAD TO PROTECT HIM,
BUT WE STILL DIDN'T KNOW,
SO WE WORKED OUT A
PLAN TO FIND OUT FOR SURE.
I WAS ASLEEP, AND DAD
WAS ON GUARD DUTY,
WHEN THE BIG MOMENT ARRIVED.
- MAYNARD!
PSST! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!
AH! AH!
MAYNARD!
MAYNARD! MAYNARD!
MAYNARD!
MAYNARD, COME BACK!
COME BACK, MAYNARD!
OH, MAYNARD, YOU
STUPID NUT! [YELLS]
PSST! PSST!
MAYNARD! MAYNARD!
MAYNARD, WILL YOU...
OH! AH! MAYNARD, YOU'RE
SLEEPING TOO FAST!
OOH!
- ON YOUR FEET, HOODLUM!
- YEAH, HOODLUM, ON YOUR FEET!
- ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! AH!
WHY DON'T YOU GUYS JUST SHOOT
ME AND PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY?
- DON'T LISTEN TO
HIS PLEAS, OFFICER.
IT MAY BE A TRICK.
- HERE'S YOUR CROOK, MA'AM,
WE CAUGHT HIM RED-HANDED.
- HERBERT T. GILLIS, A THIEF?
- HE'S ONE OF THEM
THERE CAT BURGLARS.
- A CAT BURGLAR, OH, FOR
SHAME MR. G., FOR SHAME.
I MEAN, I KNOW YOU'RE
MEAN AND CRANKY,
BUT BURGLARING
A POOR LITTLE CAT.
- OUCH! MAYNARD, WHAT
KIND OF GRATITUDE IS THAT?
- THIS KIND!
- OH, MAYNARD!
THAT DOES IT. THAT DOES IT.
AFTER I KNOCKED MYSELF OUT
FOLLOWING YOU ALL AROUND SO
YOU WON'T STEAL ANY MORE JEWELS
AND NOBODY WILL FIND OUT
THAT YOU'RE THE CAT BURGLAR,
AND OOH, WHAT I SAID.
- GADZOOKS, IT WAS DREGS.
- THAT'S KREBS, YOUR WORSHIP.
- AHA, YOU CONFESS.
- I DO?
- YOU SEE, HE CONFESSED.
- I DON'T.
- DON'T WORRY, MRS. OSBORNE,
WE'LL THIRD DEGREE HIM
UNTIL HIS MIND CRACKS.
- HOW WILL YOU TELL
THE DIFFERENCE?
- JUST LEAVE THAT TO US, MA'AM.
WE GOT OUR OWN METHODS.
- OH, I'M LEAVING.
I'M NOT GOING TO
STAY HERE AND LISTEN
TO THE THIRD DEGREE
OF POOR KLEGS.
I MAY SEEM HARD AND
ROTTEN ON THE OUTSIDE,
BUT ON THE INSIDE, SAME DEAL.
- COME ON NOW, KREBS, TALK.
- SAY SOMETHING. MAKE IT QUICK.
- SPEAK UP.
- TALK.
- OKAY, PETER PIPER PICKED
A PECK OF PICKLED PEPPERS
AND IF PETER PIPER PICKED
A PECK OF PICKLED PEPPERS...
- FOR THREE HOURS
THOSE POLICEMEN
HAMMERED AWAY AT POOR MAYNARD.
THEY THREATENED AND
GROWLED AND HOLLERED
AND FINALLY THE
STRAIN WAS TOO MUCH.
SOMETHING HAD TO
CRACK, AND IT DID.
- I CAN'T STAND IT, I TELL
YOU. I CAN'T STAND IT.
- THERE THERE, MY BOY.
IT HAPPENS TO THE BEST OF US.
- I HATE MYSELF. I'M A FAILURE.
- NOW SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?
YOU DESTROYED HIS
SELF-CONFIDENCE.
YOU MAY DAMAGE HIS WHOLE
FUTURE AS A POLICE OFFICER.
- I APOLOGIZE, SIR. I'M
NOT BAD, JUST WEAK.
[CRYING]
- OH, THERE'S ONLY ONE
THING TO DO, NAMELY CONFESS.
- CONFESS?
- LIKE, TRUE.
I DONE IT. I STOLE
ALL THEM JEWELRIES.
- TAKE THIS DOWN, FILBERT.
- GOTCHA, CHIEF.
- COME ON NOW, KREBS, SPILL IT.
WHO HELPED YOU PULL THE JOB?
- NOBODY. I DONE IT ALONE.
- STOP LYING. NOBODY
COULD DO ALL THAT ALONE.
- OKAY, THEN I HAD HELP.
- UH-HUH, HOW MANY?
- HOW MANY DO YOU THINK?
- AT LEAST TWO.
- THAT'S WHAT I
HAD, AT LEAST TWO.
- NAME THEM.
- DO I HAVE TO?
- YEAH, YOU HAVE TO.
- THE ONLY TWO PEOPLE I
KNOW ARE MR. G. AND DOBE.
- GILLIS AND HIS SON, HUH?
LOOKS LIKE WE NABBED US A
WHOLE GANG OF CROOKS, LUKE.
- YEAH. THE KREBS GANG.
THAT'S WHAT THE MOB CALLS US.
- WHAT MOB?
- THE MOB THAT CALLS
US THE KREBS GANG.
- YOU TAKING THIS DOWN, LUKE?
- OH, YEAH.
- YOU KNOW THAT BIG ROBBERY
DOWN AT THE FISH MARKET?
THAT WAS US. WE CALLED
IT THE KIPPER CAPER.
THEN THE PITTSBURGH PILFER
AND THE BALTIMORE BURGLE
AND THE LOUISVILLE LARCENY,
AND WHO DO YOU THINK
KILLED COCK ROBIN?
- MRS. OSBORNE.
- NO, ME. AND I GOT ABOUT
30 MORE UNSOLVED CRIMES
FOR YOU TO SOLVE.
- YOU DIDN'T STEAL THOSE JEWELS,
KREBS, IT WAS MRS. OSBORNE.
SHE DID IT IN HER SLEEP.
- SURE, I COULD
HAVE TOLD YOU THAT.
I RAN INTO HER ONE NIGHT
WHEN I WAS SLEEPWALKING.
- WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING?
- NOT ME, I AIN'T
NO STOOL PIGEON.
- ALLOW ME, MA'AM.
US SLEEPWALKERS
GOTTA STICK TOGETHER.
WE AIN'T GOT NO UNION.
- DOBIE, IT'S BEEN
A FUN WEEKEND.
- FUN INDEED, MY
GREAT TAWNY ANIMAL.
BUT IT'S ONLY THE BEGINNING.
- CORRECTION,
WHAT IT IS IS THE END.
I'M DUMPING YOU.
- DUMPING ME? BUT WE
ONLY MET TWO DAYS AGO.
- YES, AND THAT'S LONG ENOUGH.
WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM,
AN OLD STICK IN THE MUD?
- BUT ME NO BUTS, WALDO,
JUST GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS.
- OW! NOW, LOOK, MRS. OSBORNE...