The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 4, Episode 20 - The Moon and No Pence - full transcript

- MY NAME IS DOBIE GILLIS.

I'M 22 YEARS OLD.

I'M A SENIOR AT S. PETER
PRYOR JUNIOR COLLEGE.

I'M THE WINNER OF A THIRD PLACE
MEDAL IN THE HIGH HURDLES EVENT,

THE OWNER OF A SET
OF HEAVY BARBELLS,

AND AM A VETERAN OF
THE UNITED STATES ARMY,

AND I LIKE GIRLS.

LIKE 'EM DID I SAY? I LOVE 'EM.

I ASK YOU TO REMEMBER ALL THIS

BECAUSE YOU'RE ABOUT TO WITNESS
A TERRIBLY EMBARRASSING SIGHT,

BUT IT'S NOT THE REAL ME.



HONEST, IT ISN'T.

- UH-HUH. I UNDERSTAND
YOU DO NOT LOVE ME.

- OH, NO, ANASTASIA, I LOVE YOU.
- THEN YOU WILL DANCE.

- CAN'T I LOVE YOU
SITTING RIGHT HERE?

- IT IS DANCE OR IT IS GOODBYE.

- IT IS DANCE. IT IS DANCE.

[JAZZ THEME]

- NOPE, YOUR EYES WEREN'T
PLAYING TRICKS ON YOU.

THAT GRACEFUL, DANCING
FIGURE YOU SAW WAS ME.

THIS OTHER ONE IS
ANASTASIA DIMITROV,

SHALL WE SAY, FRIEND.

NOW, HOW DID WE HAPPEN
TO BE ARABESQUING

AND PAS DE DOING OUT
THERE ON THE GRASS

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?



WELL, IT ALL STARTED A
COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO

WHEN I WENT TO MY FATHER
AND SAID, DAD, I HAVE A QUESTION.

CAN I HAVE FIVE DOLLARS
FROM THE CASH REGISTER?

- SON, I HAVE AN ANSWER
FOR YOU. OVER MY DEAD BODY.

- DAD, I NEED THE MONEY SO I
CAN TAKE ROBERTA GRIMSTEAD

TO A SYMPHONY CONCERT.

IT'S VERY CULTURAL.

- TAKE ROBERTA GRIMSTEAD
FOR A WALK IN THE PARK.

IT'S VERY CHEAP.

- HERBERT, THAT'S A
TERRIBLE ATTITUDE.

YOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED.

- OKAY, I'M ASHAMED. I'M
ALSO FIVE BUCKS AHEAD.

- DAD, I'VE GOT TO
HAVE THAT MONEY.

ROBERTA AND I ARE IN LOVE,

MADLY, TEMPESTUOUSLY
TILL THE END OF TIME.

- TIME UP AND ENTERED
DOBE, SHE JUST DUMPED YOU.

- WAIT A MINUTE, MAYNARD,
DID YOU SAY DUMP ME?

- YEAH. LIKE SHE WAS A TRUCK

AND YOU WAS A LOAD OF
SQUOZED OUT GRAPEFRUIT.

IT'S ALL HERE IN THIS LETTER.

- MAYNARD, YOU'VE BEEN
STEAMING OPEN MY LETTERS AGAIN.

- YEAH. TRUE.

AND THAT AIN'T EASY WHEN
ALL I GET TO USE COLD WATER.

YOU AIN'T GOING
TO LIKE IT, DOBE.

IT STARTS OUT WITH DEAR
JACK AND GETS WORSE.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S DEAR
JERK, AND YOU'RE RIGHT,

I WON'T LIKE IT.

- DON'T BE UNHAPPY, DEAR.

LOSING A COUPLE OF GIRLS
ONCE IN A WHILE ISN'T TOO BAD.

- THIS YEAR I'VE LOST 16,

AND THERE'S STILL A
LOT OF MONTHS TO GO.

- OH, IF YOU THINK
GETTING DUMPED IS BAD,

WAIT TILL YOU READ WHAT
THE DEAN WROTE ABOUT YOU.

OOH, GLORIOSKY, WHAT LANGUAGE.

- HANG ON. LET ME SEE THAT, HUH.

DEAR SIR, UNLESS THE STUDENT,
AND I USE THE TERM LOOSELY,

RECEIVES TOP GRADES IN
ALL FUTURE EXAMINATIONS,

IT WILL BE NECESSARY,

BUT PLEASURABLE TO DROP
HIM FROM THIS UNIVERSITY,

AND IT COULDN'T HAPPEN TO
A MORE DESERVING PERSON.

- NICE FELLOW, THE DEAN.

- WELL, SON, IT LOOKS LIKE
YOU'RE AN ALL-AROUND WASH OUT.

- HERBERT, THAT'S NOT FAIR.
- NO, MOM. DAD'S RIGHT.

I CAN'T GET A GIRL,
I'M A DUD AT SCHOOL,

THE ONLY FRIEND
I'VE GOT IS MAYNARD,

AND THAT'S NOT MUCH TO BRAG
ABOUT, AND NO OFFENSE, MAYNARD.

SO IT'S PRETTY CLEAR
THAT DAD'S RIGHT.

I'M AN ALL-AROUND WASH OUT.

- WHY DEAR, YOU'RE SO WRONG.

THERE ARE OF DOZENS
OF PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU.

- NAME THREE.
- WELL... - TWO? - BUT...

- ONE AND A HALF?

- YOU SEE, IT'S HOPELESS.

OH, IF ONLY THERE WAS
SOMEONE IN THIS WORLD

WHO WOULD LOVE AND CHERISH ME,

I WOULDN'T CARE HOW
MUCH OF A MESS SHE WAS.

- YOU RANG?
- ZELDA, YOU WERE EAVESDROPPING.

- YOU BET YOUR BOOTS, BUSTER.

ALL'S FAIR IN LOVE AND
WAR, AND THIS IS BOTH.

- OH, SHE'S GOT A
BEAUTIFUL BRAIN, THAT GIRL.

TOO BAD THE REST
OF HER DON'T MATCH.

- LET'S FACE THE FACTS.

IT'S TIME YOU STEP BACK

AND TOOK A GOOD
HARD LOOK AT YOURSELF.

- OH, DON'T DO IT, DOBE.

WHAT YOU MIGHT
SEE MIGHT BE SPOOKY.

- CONSIDER YOUR
ASSETS. YOU'RE SWEET.

- I'LL BUY THAT.
- YOU'RE LOVEABLE.

- I'LL BUY THAT.
- AND...

- AND WHAT?
- AND I JUST RAN OUT OF ASSETS.

- I'LL BUY THAT.

- DOBIE, I'VE GOT ENOUGH
BRAINS FOR THE BOTH OF US.

WITH ME AT YOUR SIDE
COACHING AND HELPING,

YOU'LL GRADUATE FROM
COLLEGE, GET A JOB,

AND COME HOME TO OUR
SPLIT-LEVEL HOME EVERY NIGHT

WITH A HEART FULL OF SONG

AND A BRIEFCASE FULL OF
PAPERS FOR ME TO FIGURE OUT.

NOW, WOULD THAT BE SO BAD?

- ZELDA, IT WOULD BE GREAT,
FOR SIX OTHER FELLOWS. NOT ME.

- DOBIE, DEAR, ZELDA'S
MAKING A LOT OF SENSE.

A NICE LITTLE JOB IN A
NICE LITTLE CORPORATION,

AND A NICE LITTLE
HOME IN THE SUBURBS

WITH A NICE LITTLE WIFE TO
HELP YOU AND COMFORT YOU.

MY BUT THAT SOUNDS SAFE AND
SECURE. DOESN'T IT, HERBERT?

- WELL, IT'S ABOUT TIME
SOMEBODY GOT AROUND

TO ASKING ME WHAT I THOUGHT.

AFTER ALL, THE BOY AND I AIN'T
EXACTLY STRANGERS, YOU KNOW.

AND IT JUST MIGHT HAPPEN THAT I
MIGHT COME UP WITH A PLAN OR TWO

THAT HE'D FIT INTO VERY NICELY.

- NO. NO, DAD.
NOT AGAIN. PLEASE.

- ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

OH, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT
COMING INTO THE STORE WITH ME,

BUT HEAR ME OUT, HUH?

IT ALWAYS MAKES ME FEEL GOOD
TO KIND OF DREAM MY DREAM.

- DAD.

- I HAD THIS SIGN MADE THE
NIGHT YOU WERE BORN, SON,

AND ALL MY LIFE IT'S
BEEN MY ONE BIG DREAM.

LOOK, I EVEN GOT
THE HOOKS ON IT.

ALL I GOT TO DO IS WALK
OUT THERE AND GO CLICK,

AND IT'S GILLIS AND SON.

NOW, LET'S BE TRUTHFUL, BOY,
YOU AIN'T MAKING IT IN SCHOOL,

AND NO MATTER
WHAT ZELDA TELLS YOU,

YOU AIN'T GOING TO MAKE
IT IN NO BIG CORPORATION,

BUT YOU CAN MAKE
IT, AND BIG IF YOU TRY,

RIGHT HERE IN THE STORE
WITH YOUR EVERLOVING DAD.

- THANKS, DAD.

YOUR CONFIDENCE IS TOUCHING.

- WELL, GIVE IT A LITTLE
HARD THOUGHT, BOY.

YOU KNOW, THE GROCERY
BUSINESS AIN'T SUCH A BAD LIFE.

OH, THE HOURS ARE KIND OF LONG

STANDING AROUND ON THESE HARD
FLOORS FROM MORNING TILL NIGHT,

AND THE PROFITS AIN'T ALWAYS
WHAT THEY OUGHT TO BE,

AND THE CUSTOMERS
HOLLER AT YOU A LOT

AND TRY TO SNEAK PAST THE
COUNTER WITH LITTLE THINGS,

AND, OF COURSE, YOUR
FEET AND YOUR BACK

GET ACTING UP AND ACHING
WHEN YOU HAVE TO GET DOWN

TO THAT PRODUCE MARKET EVERY
MORNING BEFORE FIVE O'CLOCK,

AND SON I JUST GOT A GREAT IDEA.

FORGET ALL ABOUT THE
LOUSY GROCERY BUSINESS

AND GRAB ZELDA'S OFFER.

- SEE, SNOOKUMS, EVERYONE
AGREES, I'M THE ONE FOR YOU.

- THAT'S TRUE, SON.
- SHE'S RIGHT, DEAR.

- SHE'S RIGHT, DEAR.

- MAYNARD, YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE.

OKAY, ZELDA, YOU
WIN. WHY FIGHT IT.

I'M GOING TO LET YOU NAG ME
INTO BECOMING A BIG EXECUTIVE.

- OH, THANK YOU,
DOLL FACE, THANK YOU.

YOU'LL NEVER REGRET THIS
DECISION, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER.

- DON'T BE TOO
SURE. I ALREADY HAVE.

- WHAT?
- NOTHING. NOTHING, ZELDA.

JUST THINKING OUT LOUD.

- YOU CAN FORGET
ABOUT THAT DREAM.

BUT FROM NOW ON,
I'LL DO THE THINKING.

- THINKING?

MAN, IT'S ABOUT TIME SOMEBODY
THOUGHT FOR OLD DOBE.

HE JUST AIN'T GOT
THE HEAD FOR IT.

- MAYNARD, GO HOME AND TELL
YOUR MOTHER SHE WANTS YOU.

CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE STUDYING?

- SO THAT'S WHAT STUDYING
LOOKS LIKE. I ALWAYS WONDERED.

- DOGGONE IT,
ZELDA. CAN'T WE QUIT?

WE'VE BEEN POUNDING THESE
BOOKS FOR THREE HOURS.

MY SKULL'S CRACKING.

- RIGHT. HARD WORK.

IT'S THE ONLY WAY WE'RE GOING TO
GET YOU THROUGH THESE COURSES.

WELL, THIS IS DONE.

NOW LET'S FINISH UP YOUR
PROJECT FOR METAL SHOP.

- METAL SHOP?

NOW WHY'D YOU MAKE ME SIGN
UP FOR A COURSE LIKE THAT?

IT'S FOR CHILDREN.

- RIGHT AND I WANTED YOU TO
BE ENROLLED IN ONE COURSE

EVEN YOU COULDN'T FLUNK.

- OH, MAN, THAT'S
BEAUTIFUL, DOBE.

DO YOU THINK IT WILL
EVER GET OFF THE GROUND?

- MAYNARD, THAT HAPPENS
TO BE A BOOKCASE.

IT WILL BE A BEAUTY
WHEN IT'S PUT TOGETHER.

- YOU REALLY THINK SO?
- NO.

- OOH, CAN I HELP ASSEMBLE?
I'M REAL GOOD AT ASSEMBLING.

LAST CHRISTMAS, I
HELPED MY UNCLE ZOLTAN

ASSEMBLE HIS
ELECTROCUTION TRAIN.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S
ELECTRIC TRAIN.

IF IT WAS AN
ELECTROCUTION TRAIN,

IT WOULD HAVE... YOU MEAN...

- LEAVE US BOW OUR HEADS.

- LOVER, GIVE ME A
HAND WITH THIS BOLT.

YOU KNOW, DOBIE DUMPLING,

THIS IS WHAT WE'RE
GOING TO BE DOING

FOR THE REST OF OUR
LIVES, WORKING TOGETHER.

- BUILDING A BOOKCASE?

- NO, GOING THROUGH
LIFE TOGETHER.

HONESTLY, DOBIE,
SOMETIMES I WONDER

IF YOU'RE WORTH ALL THE TROUBLE
I'M GOING THROUGH FOR YOU.

- OH, I AM. I AM.

- WELL, I WOULDN'T
MAKE BOOK ON IT,

BUT I'M STUCK ON
YOU SO WHAT CAN I DO

EXCEPT YOU DRAG
YOU THROUGH COLLEGE

BY YOUR SO-CALLED BRAIN,

AND THEN MARRY YOU
AFTER YOU GRADUATE?

- ZELDA...

- REMEMBER THAT WORD,
BUNNYKINS, GRADUATE.

I'M YOUR ONLY HOPE. WITHOUT
ME YOU'RE A DEAD DUCK.

- HOW TRUE. HOW TRUE.

- AND THAT'S WHY YOU'RE GOING
TO KEEP BEING STUCK ON ME.

- HOW TRUE. HOW TRUE.

- HOW EMBARRASSING.
HOW EMBARRASSING.

- MAYNARD, NOW,
WHAT'S THE MATTER.

- OH, I BOLTED MYSELF IN.

- AND I'VE GOT TO GET
THIS TO CLASS RIGHT NOW.

- BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?

- YOU'LL JUST HAVE
TO COME ALONG, TOO,

UNTIL I CAN UNBOLT YOU.

- OH, FOR JOY, FOR JOY.

WHAT A GRAND A GLORIOUS
FEELING TO KNOW AT LAST I'M WANTED.

OH, BOY.

- BYE BYE, SNOOKUMS,
AND WATCH YOURSELF.

I WOULDN'T WANT
ANYTHING TO HAPPEN TO YOU

ON THE WAY TO THE CAMPUS.

- DON'T WORRY. I'LL
WALK VERY CAREFULLY.

- THAT ISN'T EXACTLY
WHAT I MEANT.

- ZELDA, YOU MEAN...

- YOU'RE DARN RIGHT I MEAN.

- ZELDA, I'M SHOCKED THAT
YOU SHOULD BE SUSPICIOUS.

- I'M SUSPICIOUS THAT
YOU SHOULD BE SHOCKED.

JUST REMEMBER, I'LL BE
WATCHING YOU LIKE A HAWK.

- ZELDA, SINCE YOU
AND I REACHED OUR,

SHALL WE SAY, UNDERSTANDING,

I WOULDN'T EVEN THINK OF
LOOKING AT ANOTHER GIRL.

- STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE
THAT, YOU WEAK-CHINNED WOLF,

OR I CALL IT THE COP.

- ALL MY LIFE I'VE BEEN
SEARCHING FOR YOU, MY ANGEL.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

- NO PLACE STUPID ENOUGH TO
LET YOU IN, YOU LOWBROW PEASANT.

NOW, OUT OF MY WAY.

I CANNOT BE BOTHERED
WITH RAFF-RIFF.

- I'VE DONE IT AGAIN.

ANOTHER WRETCHED,
MISERABLE, PITIFUL FLOP.

- YOU RANG?

HEY DOBE, I BRUNG
YOUR RED IRON BOOKCASE.

IT LOOKED BETTER WITH ME IN IT.

I ADDED A KIND OF
CERTAIN SOMETHING.

- MM-HMM. MAYNARD, WILL
YOU OPEN THE DOOR FOR ME?

- OH, I CAN'T, DOBE. I GOT
YOUR BOOKS IN ONE HAND

AND YOUR LUNCH
PAIL IN THE OTHER.

BUT IF YOU TOOK THE LUNCH
PAIL OUT OF YOUR RIGHT HAND

AND THEN PUT IT
IN YOUR LEFT HAND,

THEN YOU'D HAVE YOUR RIGHT
HAND FREE TO OPEN THE DOOR, RIGHT?

- RIGHT. GOOD THINKING, YEAH.
- GOOD THINKING, YEAH. YEAH.

- OH, BAD THINKING.
- OH, WHAT'S THAT?

- I DON'T KNOW WHICH
HAND IS MY RIGHT.

- WHY DON'T YOU LIVE
DANGEROUSLY AND MAKE A GUESS.

THAT'S A WISE CHOICE, MAYNARD.

- MAN, DOBE, IT MADE A
BEAUTIFUL SOUND, DIDN'T IT?

- IT'S A MESS. IT'S UGLY. IT'S
ATROCIOUS. IT'S HORRIBLE.

- IT'S BEAUTIFUL. LOVELY.

- THE LOVELIEST.

- WILD.
- THE WILDEST.

- PRIMITIVE.
- THE PRIMITIVEST.

- YOU RANG?
- MAYNARD, NOT NOW.

SHE'S ROLLING.

- THE FIRST OBJECT OF BEAUTY

I HAVE SEEN IN THIS
DESOLATE OUTPOST.

- OH, IF YOU THINK
IT'S BEAUTIFUL NOW,

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT
BEFORE IT WENT THROUGH THE DOOR.

- AND YOU, MY LITTLE PIE FACE,

YOU HAVE MAKE THIS BEAUTIFUL
PASSIONATE, ANGRY SCULPTURE?

- THAT AIN'T NO SCULPTURE,
MA'AM, THAT'S A... OOH!

- DO YOU LIKE SCULPTURE, MISS...

- DIMITROV. ANASTASIA DIMITROV.

- DOBIE GILLIS HERE.

- AND I ADORE ALL
FORMS OF THE ARTS.

- DOBIE GILLIS THE ARTIST, HERE.
- YOU PAINT?

- THEY CALL ME REMBRANDT.

- YOU ARE MUSICAL?
- DO RE MI FA SO LA TI DO.

- YOU DANCE?

- COME, LET US
PIROUETTE AND TOUR JETE

THROUGH LIFE TOGETHER.

- YOU MEAN...
- LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY.

YOU NAME THE ART YOU
DIG, ANASTASIA, BABY,

AND I'LL GIVE IT A WHIRL.

- AT LAST IN THIS CULTURAL
DESERT I HAVE MEET SOMEBODY

WITH SOMETHING TO SAY.

- THAT'S ME, ANASTASIA.

AS A MATTER OF FACT
I WAS ABOUT TO SAY,

HOW'S ABOUT JOINING
ME FOR A MALT?

- MALT? I DO NOT DRINK.

ONLY THE WINE OF LIFE.

- AND I WOULD BE HONORED

IF YOU WOULD SHARE A
GLASS OF LIFE WITH ME.

OF COURSE, WE COULD TAPER OFF A
BIT AROUND THE MID CENTURY MARK.

- I HAVE IT, MY LITTLE MUSKRAT.

WE WILL PICK A BUNCH OF GRAPES

AND GO TO SOME LOVELY GREEN
OASIS AND TALK THE DAY AWAY.

- SPLENDID IDEA.

MAYNARD, MY GOOD
MAN, GET YOURSELF OVER

TO MY FATHER'S STORE AND ASK
HIM TO GIVE YOU A BUNCH OF GRAPES.

NOW MY DEAR...

- YOUR FATHER GIVE?
SURELY YOU JEST.

- OH, YEAH, I FORGOT.

HERE, GO BUY SOME.

HERE'S A SHINY NEW
PENNY FOR YOURSELF.

- OH, BLESS YOU,
SIR, BLESS YOU. MMM.

DELICIOUS.

- SILLY KID. NOW, WHERE WERE
WE, MY BOHEMIAN TIGRESS?

- OH, YOU DON'T KNOW
HOW IT IS HEARTWARMING

TO FIND A PERSON LIKE YOU
IN THIS VAST WILDERNESS.

- VAST WILDERNESS.

- AND YOU, MY LITTLE PIGEON,

DO NOT KNOW WHAT
YOU HAVE GOT THERE.

- OH, I KNOW WHAT
I'VE GOT ALL RIGHT,

BUT YOU'RE THE FIRST ONE
WHO'S BEEN INTERESTED.

- I KNOW IT IS A LONELY LIFE.
- OH, IT'S LONELY.

- THE QUEST FOR MEANING,
THE STRUGGLE TO COMMUNICATE.

- YEAH. BUT NOW THERE IS YOU,

AND COMMUNICATION
NEVER LOOKED SO GOOD.

- I WILL TAKE YOU IN HAND.

I WILL HELP YOU TO
DISCOVER BEAUTY.

- RIGHT.

- I WILL MAKE YOU WORK
AND WORK AND WORK.

- WELL, YOU'RE WELCOME TO TRY.

- WHEN I DEPART IN
A FEW SHORT WEEKS,

YOU WILL BE A GENUINE ARTIST.

- YOU'RE LEAVING IN A FEW WEEKS?

- YES, AFTER
GRADUATION, I GO TO SPAIN.

- YOU GO TO SPAIN, I GO TO
SPAIN, WHEREVER THAT IS.

- I GO THERE TO PAINT.
- YOU PAINT, I PAINT.

- THEN TO GREECE TO SCULPT.
- YOU SCULPT, I SCULPT.

- HEY, LITTLE GOPHER,
I GOT GREAT IDEA.

- WHAT'S THAT?
- YOU COME WITH ME.

- I WONDER WHERE YOU
GOT AN IDEA LIKE THAT.

- YOU DO IT?
- I DO IT.

- IT COST $4,000.
- I DON'T DO IT.

- THE COLLEGE, THEY PAY EXPENSES
FOR TRAVEL FOR EAGER STUDENTS.

- I DO IT.

- ALL YOU NEED IS GOOD
OUTSTANDING GRADES.

- I DON'T DO IT.

ANASTASIA, TO BE PERFECTLY
FRANK, MY GRADES ARE...

- YOUR GRADES ARE
GOOD, MY LITTLE WALRUS?

- GOOD? MY GRADES
ARE JUST GREAT,

MY BEAUTIFUL HUNK OF WOMAN.

DO YOU MIND?

WOULD YOU EXCUSE US, PLEASE?

THANK YOU.

THIS MY LIFE FROM A
TO Z. A IS FOR ANASTASIA.

GORGEOUS, EXCITING,
ENCHANTING ANASTASIA.

AND Z IS FOR ZELDA.

DEAR, DYNAMIC, DETERMINED,
DANGEROUS ZELDA.

BETWEEN THEM, I WAS
PLAYING AN AWFUL RISKY GAME.

TO GET ANASTASIA, I
HAD TO GET GOOD MARKS.

TO GET GOOD MARKS, I HAD
TO GET ZELDA TO HELP ME.

TO GET ZELDA TO
HELP ME, I HAD TO LIE,

BUT LYING IS EVIL AND
ROTTEN AND DISGUSTING,

AND IT'S A SHAME I HAVE TO
DO IT TO A NICE GIRL LIKE ZELDA.

POOR GIRL. SHE'LL NEVER
REALIZE THAT I'M JUST A LOW DOWN,

DISHONEST RAT.

- DOBIE GILLIS, YOU ARE A
LOW DOWN, DISHONEST RAT.

- NOW, LOOK, ZELDA, DON'T
MAKE A FEDERAL CASE OUT OF IT.

- QUIET, DISHONEST RAT.

YOU'RE LYING TO ME
ABOUT SOMETHING,

BUT I LOVE YOU, SO WHY FIGHT IT?

- NOW, YOU'RE TALKING.

SO LET'S GET STARTED WITH
THIS EXECUTIVE TRAINING STUFF.

- YOU'RE EAGER TO
GET THOSE HIGH GRADES

SO YOU CAN GRADUATE, RIGHT?

- RIGHT. BOY, ARE YOU RIGHT.

- NOW, THE FIRST
THING WE HAVE TO DO

IS RENOVATE YOUR APPEARANCE
FROM TOP TO BOTTOM.

SLIP ON YOUR COAT AND HAT
AND LET ME SEE YOUR APPROACH.

- OH, OKAY. RIGHT HERE.

- AND POOPSIE, HERE.
- OH, ZELDA.

- THIS IS S.O.P. ALONG
EXECUTIVE ROW.

- ZELDA, YOU...

- PLEASE... PLEASE,
DOBIE, DON'T CHOKE UP.

I WANTED TO GIVE IT TO YOU.
- UH-HUH.

- OH, I KNOW THEY SAY
YOU'RE WEAK AND SHALLOW

AND TERRIBLY SNEAKY,

BUT I KNOW THERE'S
A FINE HUMAN BEING

HIDDEN UNDER THAT
WISHY-WASHY EXTERIOR.

- ZELDA...
- SPEAKING OF EXTERIORS,

I HAVEN'T SEEN A HAT LIKE THAT

SINCE I STOPPED WATCHING
GEORGE RAFT MOVIES

ON THE LATE LATE SHOW.

- ZELDA, THAT'S MY BEST HAT.

COME TO THINK OF
IT, IT'S MY ONLY HAT.

COME OF THINK OF
IT, IT'S DAD'S ONLY HAT.

- QUIET, SWEETIE, WE'RE
CREATING AN IMAGE,

VOILA.

- IF IT RAINS, I'M RUINED.

- NOW, TAKE OFF YOUR COAT.
- ZELDA, PLEASE.

- STRICTLY BUSINESS.

THESE SHOULDERS ARE SUPPOSED
TO BE SLOPING AND NARROW

AND PUNY, LIKE YOUR REAL SELF.

- ZELDA, I FEEL LIKE I'M
IN A STRAIGHT JACKET.

- LET'S SEE.

I THINK THAT TAKES
CARE OF EVERYTHING.

NOW, I WANT TO LOOK AT MY
CREATION IN ALL HIS GLORY.

- WELL, HOW DO I LOOK, LIKE A
RISING YOUNG EXECUTIVE, HUH?

- DOLL FACE, LET
ME PUT IT THIS WAY.

THANK HEAVENS WE STILL HAVE TIME

BEFORE YOU GO OUT
ON JOB INTERVIEWS.

WE'LL SHAPE YOU UP BY THEN.

- YEAH, JUST SO I GRADUATE FROM
COLLEGE WITH VERY HIGH GRADES.

- NATURALLY, WITH ZELDA
GILROY AT THE HELM,

YOU'RE A CINCH
TO... HOLD IT, WALDO,

WHY THE SUDDEN INTEREST
IN VERY HIGH GRADES.

- OH, IT'S FOR YOU,
ZELDA, MY SWEET, FOR YOU.

I WANT YOU TO BE PROUD OF ME.

- I AM PROUD OF YOU, DOBIE.
- GOOD. GOOD.

- TELL ME HOW WONDERFUL I AM.

- YOU'RE WONDERFUL.
YOU'RE WONDERFUL.

- TELL ME HOW BEAUTIFUL I AM.

- YOU'RE... YOU'RE
BEAUTIFUL. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

- NO, I AM NOT BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT I AM IS FASCINATING,
STUNNING, UNUSUAL.

- ALSO ENCHANTING, DELIGHTFUL,
BEWITCHING AS A SUMMER'S EVE.

- HEY, DOBIE, YOU TALK FUNNY.

- OH, YOU RECOGNIZE IT, MY PET.

IT IS THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE.

- SOMETHING IS MISSING.

I THINK IT IS YOUR
STRANGE FRIEND, MAYNARD.

- AH, MAYNARD'S OUT SOMEPLACE

RELEASING ANIMALS
FROM BIOLOGY LAB.

HE DOESN'T LIKE TO SEE ALL THOSE

MICE AND FROGS AND
HAMSTERS IN CAGES,

SO ONCE A WEEK HE STEALS A
SACK FULL AND LETS THEM GO.

- OH, WHAT STRANGE
FRIENDS YOU'VE GOT.

- I'LL BUY THAT.
- BUT, ENOUGH TALK OF MAYNARD.

THE NIGHT IS YOUNG,
AND WE ARE BEAUTIFUL.

COME LET US CELEBRATE.
- I'M WITH YOU.

WHAT KIND OF CELEBRATION
DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?

- YOU ARE A DELIGHT, DOBIE, BUT
TONIGHT IS FOR ONE THING ONLY.

WE DANCE. WE DANCE
THE NIGHT AWAY.

- BUT THE PEABODY
ROOF IS CLOSED.

THE POLICE CAUGHT THEM SELLING
HOT FUDGE SUNDAES AFTER HOURS.

- NOT ON THE PEABODY ROOF.

WE DANCE BAREFOOT IN THE
MOONLIGHT ON THE GREEN.

- IF WE'VE GOT TO DANCE
BAREFOOT, I PREFER GRASS.

- COME WITH ME.

I KNOW A MAGNIFICENT GARDEN

WITH LAWNS AND POOLS
AND STATUES TO LEAP AMONG,

AND THE MUSIC OF
A MILLION FROGS.

COME, MY GREAT TAWNY ANIMAL.

[FROGS CROAKING]

- OKAY. IN YOU GO, CEDRIC,
AND NOW YOU, WILBUR.

NOW COME ON, THE REST OF YOU.

LET'S GO. THERE WE GO.

COME ON. I KNOW YOU GUYS

ARE GOING TO BE
MISSED AT BIOLOGY LAB,

BUT IT'S BETTER THIS WAY.

COME ON DONDER AND BLITZEN.

YEAH, WHO'S IT GOING TO HURT
TO LET YOU GUYS GO ANYHOW?

I MEAN, IF YOU CUT UP
ONE FROG, REST HIS SOUL,

YOU CUT THEM ALL UP.

HARK, SOMEBODY'S
CLOMPING THIS WAY.

- YEAH. WE CAN'T DANCE
HERE. IT'S SOMEBODY'S ESTATE.

- BIG SO WHAT?

THEY COME AND DANCE, TOO,

THE ELVES AND THE
GNOMES AND THE DRUIDS.

- I DON'T KNOW THEM.

JUST THE VINCENTS AND
OSBORNES LIVE AROUND HERE,

AND THEY'RE NOT
THE DANCING TYPE.

- I HEAR A BULLFROG.

[IMITATING A FROG]

- I WILL TOUCH THE POOR UGLY
THING WITH MY MAGIC WAND

AND TURN HIM INTO
A HANDSOME PRINCE.

COME LET US DANCE QUICKLY
FOR THE MOON IS WANING.

- MAYBE THE PEABODY
ROOF IS OPEN AGAIN.

- TERPSICHORE THE GODDESS OF
DANCE IS HERE WITH US TONIGHT.

- WHERE? WHERE? WHERE?

- DOBIE, YOU CANNOT DANCE
IN THOSE FOOLISH GARMENTS.

HERE, PUT ON THIS.

- IF THE PEABODY ROOF IS
STILL CLOSED, MAYBE THE...

- DANCE! DANCE!
- I'M DANCING. I'M DANCING.

- OH, IT'S MY GOOD BUDDY, DOBE,

CAUGHT IN THE WEB OF A
FEMALE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.

OOH, I GOT TO GO GET HELP.

- HELP? THAT'S WHAT
THAT NITWIT DOBIE NEEDS,

HELP, INSTANTLY AND IN
QUANTITY, BUT WHERE IS HE?

- ZELDA DEAR, IT'S
VERY SWEET OF YOU

TO BE SO HELPFUL ABOUT DOBIE,

BUT I DON'T BELIEVE HE KNEW

YOU WERE COMING
OVER HERE THIS LATE.

- NO, HE CUT OUT
ABOUT AN HOUR AGO

- OUT? OUT? WHERE? WHERE?

- WELL, PROBABLY
JUST FOR A WALK, DEAR.

IT'S SUCH A LOVELY NIGHT.

- WELL, HE HAD HIS HAIR
SLICKED DOWN PRETTY GOOD,

AND HE WAS MIGHTY SWEET
WITH ALL THAT SHAVING LOTION

HE SPRINKLED ON HIMSELF
AND JUST LIKE SHE SAID,

IT'S A LOVELY NIGHT

AND HE PROBABLY JUST
WENT OUT FOR A WALK.

- WELL, HE BETTER NOT BE
OUT GALLIVANTING AROUND.

HE NEEDS ALL THE
HELP HE CAN GET.

- HELP? DID SOMEBODY SAY HELP?

- MAYNARD!

- HELP, MR. G., HELP,
MRS. G., HELP, ZELDA.

COME SAVE DOBIE.
- WHAT'S WRONG? WHERE'S MY BABY?

- WHERE'S MY BOY?
- WHERE'S MY RAT?

- HE'S DOING A DEATH DANCE
WITH A WITCH WITH A NIGHTSHIRT ON,

AND SHE'S GOING TO BELT
HIM WITH A MAGIC WAND

AND TURN HIM INTO A FROG,

AND IF YOU THINK THAT
MIXES UP YOUR HEAD,

IMAGINE WHAT IT'S DOING TO MINE.

- FOR GOODNESS SAKE, MAYNARD...

- QUIET, EVERYBODY.
MAYNARD, TWO QUESTIONS.

ONE, IS DOBIE IN TROUBLE?
- BOY, IS HE IN TROUBLE.

- TWO, CAN YOU TAKE US THERE?
- BOY, CAN I TAKE YOU THERE.

- WELL, LET'S GO, KNOTHEAD.
WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?

- YEAH, KNOTHEAD. WHAT
ARE WE WAITING FOR?

- WELL, MAYNARD,
YOU GOT YOUR STORIES

GOOD AND MIXED UP LIKE ALWAYS,

BUT THERE'S ONE
THING YOU SAID IS RIGHT.

- YEAH. HE'S IN TROUBLE WITH A
FEMALE NUT OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.

- MAYNARD, HE'S
DANCING, THAT'S ALL.

AND RATHER WELL,
TOO, I MUST SAY.

- YEAH, BUT THAT GIRL OUT THERE

JUMPING AROUND
IN HER NIGHTSHIRT,

I'M GOING TO REPORT
HER TO THE BISON LODGE

CIVIC BETTERMENT AND
CULTURAL DECENCY COMMITTEE

FOR VIVACIOUS CONTENT.

- NOW, HERBERT, BE QUIET.
YOU'LL DO NO SUCH THING.

I WILL HANDLE THIS.

GOOD EVENING, DOBIE, YOUNG LADY.

- YEAH. MOM, DAD, EVERYBODY.

LOOK, I CAN EXPLAIN.
BADLY, OF COURSE.

- THERE'S NOTHING
TO EXPLAIN, DEAR.

- SAYS WHO?
- SAYS ME.

TELL ME, MY DEAR, DID I NOT
RECOGNIZE THE PAS DE TROIS

WITH BALANCHINE VARIATIONS FROM

THE LES SYLPHIDES
BALLET OF CHOPIN?

- PRECISELY. YOU KNOW IT?

- KNOW IT? MY
DEAR, I'VE DANCED IT

AS THE PRIMA BALLERINA OF THE
LADIES' AUXILIARY OF THE BISONS,

THEIR TROUPE DE BALLET,
AT OUR ANNUAL WIENIE ROAST

AND CULTURAL FESTIVAL,
AN UNFORGETTABLE NIGHT.

- YEAH. I'M STILL
TRYING TO FORGET IT.

- YOU KNOW IT MAKES
MANY MORE PEOPLE

IF IT IS TO BE DONE PROBABLY.

- YES, MY DEAR.

AND DO YOU KNOW IT IS
SUCH A LOVELY EVENING,

I HAVE BEEN THINKING...

- STOP THINKING, WINNIE.
- NOW, HERBERT.

- OH, NO, WINNIE.

YOU'RE NOT GETTING ME OUT THERE
JUMPING AROUND IN MY NIGHTSHIRT.

- NOW, HERBERT.
- NO. NO, WINNIE.

I WILL NOT DANCE
SOME SCREWY DANCE,

AND THAT IS FINAL.

NO, NO.

YEP, YEP.

BUT REMEMBER
YOUR PROMISE, WINNIE.

YOUR MOTHER DON'T COME
TO VISIT US FOR THREE YEARS.

- OFFICER, DO YOUR DUTY.
ARREST THESE GYPSIES.

- NOW, JUST A
COTTON PICKIN' MINUTE.

NOBODY'S GOING TO ARREST
NOBODY AROUND HERE,

OR MY NAME AIN'T
HERBERT T. GILLIS.

- PRISONER'S NAME
IS HERBERT T. GILLIS.

- AND WHAT GROUNDS ARE WE
BEING ARRESTED MAY ONE ASK?

- YEAH. MAY TWO ASK?
- ON WHAT GROUNDS?

ON HIS GROUNDS IF YOU'LL
PARDON THE SMALL WITTICISM.

HE OWNS THE PLACE.
- TWO HAD TO ASK.

- YOU ARE ALL TRESPASSING

AND CREATING A NUISANCE
ON PRIVATE PROPERTY,

AND YOU WERE CAUGHT RED-HANDED.

- ALSO BAREFOOTED.

- QUIET. NOW, SIR,
WHAT DO YOU WISH TO DO

ABOUT THESE DISTURBING PERSONS?

- WELL, I COULD SUE THEM FOR
THE DAMAGE TO MY PROPERTY,

BUT IT'S OBVIOUS THEY
COULDN'T RAISE A QUARTER

AMONG THE LOT OF THEM.

- HEY, HE KNOWS US.

- SO I'LL DROP THE CHARGES

AND LET'S JUST FORGET
THE WHOLE THING.

- OH, THANK YOU, SIR.

YOU'RE A GENTLEMAN
AND A SCHOLAR.

- A CREDIT TO YOUR
COMMUNITY, SIR.

- YOU'RE ONE OF NATURE'S
NOBLEMEN, YOUR OWNERSHIP.

- SO GET OF HERE ALL OF
YOU, AND DON'T LET ME SEE

YOUR TROUBLEMAKING
FACES OR BARE FEET AGAIN.

- HALT.

YOU LANDOWNERS AND MILITIA

MAY RUN ROUGH SHOE
OVER THESE POOR PEASANTS,

BUT NOT OVER ANASTASIA DIMITROV.

I DO NOT RECOGNIZE YOUR
PETTY RULES AND BOUNDARIES.

- ANASTASIA, LET'S GO.
- NO. I AM A FREE SPIRIT.

I AM ONE WITH THE CREATURES
OF THE POND AND THE FOREST.

- LISTEN, CAN THE CHATTER,

AND LET'S GET OUT OF HERE
WHILE THE GETTING IS GOOD.

- NEVER!
- YES! LEAVE HER ALONE, HERBERT.

WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS,

AND WE CAN DANCE WHENEVER
AND WHEREVER WE PLEASE,

AND NO ONE CAN STOP US.

- BRAVO FOR YOU, MADAM.

- YES. BRAVO FOR ME, MADAM.

TONIGHT I WAS FREE FOR
THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS,

AND I WILL NOT BE FETID AGAIN.

- WINNIE, HAVE YOU CLOBBERED
YOUR COIFFURE COMPLETE?

COME ON, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

- NOT UNTIL I HAVE
BEEN GIVEN FREEDOM

TO CAVORT ON THE
GREEN SWORD AS I PLEASE.

- MOM, AFTER YOU
GET THROUGH TALKING,

PERRY MASON WON'T
BE ABLE TO GET US OFF.

- WE SHALL FIGHT ON
TO FREEDOM TOGETHER.

- BRAVO, GIRL.
- BRAVO, MRS. GILLIS.

- BRAVO, ALL YOU DANCING NUTS.

AND FROM NOW ON, YOU'RE
GOING TO BE DOING YOUR DANCING

BEHIND BARS.

- NOW, JUST A MINUTE.
- I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY.

- YOU WOULDN'T DARE.

- HE DARED, HE DARED.

- YADA! YADA! YADA! YADA! YADA!

- WELL, SO MUCH FOR CAREFREE,

MOON-DRENCHED
NIGHTS WITH ANASTASIA

IN SPAIN OR GREECE OR ON THAT
GUY'S ESTATE FOR THAT MATTER.

BUT HAPPILY, THE POLICE
CALMED DOWN PRETTY QUICKLY,

IN ONLY THREE OR FOUR DAYS,
AND WE WERE TURNED LOOSE.

AS FOR ZELDA, SHE
TOOK THE WHOLE THING

WITH HER USUAL
INTELLIGENT, GRACE AND CALM.

- DOBIE GILLIS, YOU
ARE A LOW DOWN SKUNK.

- I'M ALSO A GOOD
FOR NOTHING WEASEL.

- ALSO A DUMB,
LAME-BRAINED MEATHEAD...

- ENOUGH ALREADY.

- BUT YOU'RE ALL I'VE GOT,
SO I'M STICKING WITH YOU.

NOW, REMEMBER, THIS INTERVIEW
MAY BE YOUR LAST CHANCE

FOR GAINFUL EMPLOYMENT,
SO MAKE IT GOOD.

BE STRAIGHT FORWARD,
FORCEFUL, DYNAMIC.

- I'LL GIVE IT MY ALL.

- NOW, THE MAN YOU'LL BE
TALKING TO IS VICTOR VINCENT.

- UH-HUH.

- HE'S VICE PRESIDENT IN
CHARGE OF PERSONNEL.

- I'LL BE IN THE INTERVIEW
ROOM, MS. CAGLE.

- HERE HE COMES NOW, GOOD LUCK.

- YEAH.
- NOW, LET ME SEE.

YOU ARE MR. DOPIE GILLIS.

- NO, SIR. THAT'S
DOBIE WITH A...

- I'M SORRY FOR BEING LATE
THIS MORNING, MR. GILLIS,

BUT A BUNCH OF NUTS
WERE DANCING ON MY LAWN

AND KEPT ME AWAKE
HALF THE NIGHT.

- ZELDA, THE ATTACHÉ CASE,
MY HAT WITH THE STINGY BRIM,

THE TIGHT COAT,
THIS IVY LEAGUE TIE.

ZELDA, I WAS BORN A LOSER,
I'LL ALWAYS BE A LOSER.

AND MR. VINCENT...

- OH HURRY, HURRY

THE MOON WANES AND
THE SUN APPROACHES

AND WE MUST DANCE
THE NIGHT AWAY.

WHERE ARE YOU GENTLE
SPIRIT OF THE DAWN?

- I'M COMING, ANASTASIA, AS
SOON AS I LET THESE FROGS OUT

THAT I GOT FROM BIOLOGY.

OKAY, FELLOWS, GET OUT.

LET'S GO. LET'S GO.

[FROGS CROAKING]