The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 4, Episode 15 - Too Many Kooks Spoil the Broth - full transcript

- OH ME, OH MY, OH ME, OH MY.

- HEY, DOBE, TAKE
IT FROM THE TOP.

I WANNA PICK UP THE TUNE.

- MAYNARD, I WAS JUST YAWNING,
OH ME, OH MY, OH ME, OH MY.

- OH, MAN. YEAH, THAT'S IT.

OH ME, OH ME, OH MY,
OH ME, OH ME, OH ME,

OH MY, OH ME, OH MY...
YEAH, LISTEN TO THAT BEAT!

I MEAN, IT COULD HAVE BEEN
ARRANGED FOR GLOCKENSPIEL

AND PICCOLO AND MUSIC STAND
AND YOU GOT YOURSELF A HIT!

AND TOSS IN TWO
QUARTS OF BUBBLES,

AND YOU'RE ANOTHER
LAWRENCE WELK!



- MAYNARD...

- TACK ON 12 GIRLS GOING,
"DO-WA, DO-WA, DO-WA,"

YOU'RE A SMASH.

- MAYNARD, CEASE AND DESIST!

WHAT YOU HEARD WAS JUST
AN EXPRESSION OF HAPPINESS.

- MAN, THAT'S A MISERABLE TITLE.

MAYBE THE LYRICS
CAN PULL IT THROUGH.

♪ OH ME, OH MY... ♪

- MAYNARD, YOU
MIGHT AS WELL QUIT.

MY LIFE'S GOING SO BEAUTIFULLY

THAT NOT EVEN YOUR
FOOLISHNESS CAN BUG ME.

I'M CRAZY IN LOVE
WITH AN EXQUISITE GIRL,

AND SHE'S LIKEWISE WITH ME.

SO WHAT COULD POSSIBLY
HAPPEN THAT WOULD BOTHER ME?



- ANY MORE QUESTIONS?

- OF ALL THE NUTTY, KNOT...

COUSIN VIRGIL!

GEE, IT'S GREAT TO
SEE YOU. WELCOME!

- HOWDY, COUSIN DOBIE,
YOU HANDSOME DEVIL, YOU!

OH, HELLO THERE,
MELVIN OR MARVIN

OR WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS.

- I THINK THAT'S MAYNARD. AND
WHO SAYS YOU'RE WELCOME?

- MAYNARD, CUT THAT OUT!

[JAZZ THEME]

I WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE
WAY MY COUSIN VIRGIL WAS GREETED

BY MAYNARD AND THAT STRAY DOG.

THAT'S MAYNARD ON THE RIGHT.

IT WAS INEXCUSABLE.

I MEAN, HE'S
CERTAINLY OLD ENOUGH

AND SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER.

I ONLY WISH I COULD SAY
THE SAME FOR MAYNARD.

AND IT'S COMPLETELY
UNJUSTIFIED, TOO,

BECAUSE COUSIN
VIRGIL'S A GENTLEMAN,

AN UPSTANDING CITIZEN,
A PRINCE OF A FELLA.

- A SOUTHERN-FRIED FINK!

- MAYNARD, QUIT ALREADY!

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT
AGAINST COUSIN VIRGIL?

- I'M JUST A SWEET, MODEST
BOY FROM THE COUNTRY.

- THAT'S THE BEST ARGUMENT
I'VE HEARD FOR LIVING IN THE CITY!

- MAYNARD! MAYNARD,
WILL YOU QUIT THAT?

AFTER ALL, COUSIN VIRGIL
NEVER DID ANYTHING MEAN TO YOU.

- TRUE, AND THAT'S
WHY I DON'T TRUST HIM.

I MEAN, ANYBODY'S NICE TO
ME HAS GOTTA BE ROTTEN.

- OH, NO, FRIEND, YOU CAN
SET YOUR LITTLE HEART AT EASE.

I AIN'T A-STAYIN' IN TOWN.

I'M JUST PASSING THROUGH,
AND I DROPPED IN TO SAY HELLO.

- WHEN ARE YOU GONNA
DROP OUT AND SAY GOODBYE?

- HAIL AND FAREWELL,
COUSIN DOBIE!

I'M HEADING FOR THAT
BIG CITY, CLEVELAND.

- GOODBYE, GOODBYE.

- THE TIME HAS COME
FOR ME TO START CLIMBING

TOWARD THE GOAL OF
EVERY EAGER, AMBITIOUS,

RED-BLOODED AMERICAN BOY.

- OH, BECOME PRESIDENT, HUH?

- NOPE. MARRY MONEY.

- YOU, COUSIN VIRGIL?
- KEE-RECT.

YOU SEE, I FIGURE I BEEN A
LITTLE FISH IN A LITTLE POND

LONG ENOUGH.

NOW, I'M A-HEADIN' FOR THAT
BIG POND WHERE I CAN CATCH ME

A RICH FISH, A YOUNG
LADY WITH MONEY

WHOSE PAPPY'S GONNA
SET ME UP IN BUSINESS

SO'S AS I CAN LIVE
HAPPY EVER AFTER.

- HELLO, DOBIE, DARLING.

SORRY I'M LATE, BUT I WAS
DOWNTOWN BUYING A NEW YACHT.

THE OLD ONE WAS WET.

- AH, CECILY, MY
GREAT TAWNY ANIMAL.

I'VE BEEN WAITING
BREATHLESSLY FOR YOU.

- COUSIN DOBIE?

YOU ARE GONNA INTRODUCE
YOUR FAVORITE COUSIN

TO THIS LOVELY
YOUNG FISH... LADY?

- OH, SURE.

CECILY ATWATER,
THIS IS MY COUSIN,

VIRGIL T. GILLIS.

- I DECLARE, MISS CECILY,
YOU ARE THE NICEST SIGHT

I DONE SEEN SINCE THE
LAST TIME I SPIED THE PEONIES

A-BLOOMIN' AMONGST THE
BLACK-EYED HOMINY GRITS!

- THANK YOU, VIRGIL.
HOW GALLANT YOU ARE!

- JUST SOUTHERN,
MA'AM, JUST SOUTHERN.

- QUICK, GIRL! COUNT
YOUR FINGERS!

- SWEETHEART, YOU WILL STUDY
THIS SALES MANUAL, WON'T YOU?

DADDY WROTE IT HIMSELF,
AND... DADDY IS P.T. ATWATER,

THE KITCHENWARE KING, YOU KNOW?
- I KNOW NOW.

- AND YOU REALIZE THAT
HIS ATTITUDE TOWARD BOYS

FROM THE LOWER INCOME BRACKET
IS, SHALL WE SAY, UNPLEASANT?

- SHALL WE SAY MEAN AND ROTTEN?

- YES, WE SHALL SAY
MEAN AND ROTTEN.

THAT'S WHY IT'S SO IMPORTANT
FOR YOU, DOBIE, MY LOVE,

TO TAKE DADDY'S
EXECUTIVE TRAINING COURSE.

LET HIM MAKE A TOPNOTCH
BUSINESSMAN OUT OF YOU.

- HAVE NO FEAR,
CECILY, MY ANGEL.

WITH YOUR LOVE TO SPUR ME ON

AND MY TREMENDOUS NATURAL
SALES TALENT, HOW CAN I MISS?

- EASY.
- MAYNARD, BUTT OUT.

- VERY HAPPY TO
HAVE MET YOU, VIRGIL.

- THE PLEASURE IS ALL
MONEY... MINE, MINE, MA'AM.

- AH, WHAT A GIRL!
- WHAT A DEAL!

- WHAT A FIBBER!
- WHO'S A FIBBER?

- YOU, THAT'S WHO,
TELLING THAT CHICK

YOU HAD NATURAL SALES TALENT.

YOU COULDN'T SELL A
DOG BISCUIT TO LASSIE!

- ALL RIGHT, SO I
EXAGGERATED A LITTLE.

- TAKE ME! I'M READY TO GO!

I'VE HEARD EVERYTHING! TAKE
ME! I'M READY TO GO! TAKE ME!

- ALL RIGHT, SO
I TOLD A BIG LIE!

- FORGET IT. I'M STAYING.

- WELL, WHAT AM I
SUPPOSED TO DO,

ADMIT I'M A MISERABLE SALESMAN?

NEVER. I'D LOSE CECILY FOREVER.

- NOW, WE CAN'T LET
THAT HAPPEN, CAN WE?

- I'D DIE.
- ME TOO.

SO WHAT YOU'RE GONNA
DO IS WHIP THROUGH

THAT THERE TRAINING
COURSE WITH COLORS A-FLYIN'!

ALL YOU NEED IS A LITTLE HELP.

- HELP? WHAT KIND OF HELP?

- THAT'S WHAT I SAY. HELP!
- WELL, HELPING HELP!

SOMEBODY TO STUDY
UP ON THAT BOOK,

REHEARSE YOU WITH
YOUR SALES TALK.

MAYBE PUT IN A GOOD WORD
FOR YOU WITH THAT LITTLE PUNKIN'.

- COUSIN VIRGIL, I
JUST HAD A GREAT IDEA.

- OH, AND WHAT,
PRAY TELL, IS THAT?

- DON'T GO TO CLEVELAND.

STICK AROUND FOR
A COUPLE OF WEEKS

AND HELP ME.
- HELP YOU?

NOW, WHAT ON EARTH EVER
GAVE YOU AN IDEA LIKE THAT?

- WELL...

- ALL RIGHT, I'LL
DO IT. I'LL DO IT.

YOU DONE TALKED ME INTO IT.

OH, YOU ARE THE PERSUASIVE
ONE, YOU DEVIL, YOU.

YOU COULD TALK A POSSUM
RIGHT DOWN OUT OF A TREE

INTO A FIELD FULL OF HOUND DOGS.

- WELL...
- AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING ELSE?

YOU JUST COME UP WITH
AN EVEN BETTER IDEA!

- I DID?
- YOU DID!

YOU WANT ME TO SIGN
UP FOR THAT EXECUTIVE

TRAINING COURSE RIGHT
ALONG WITH YOU, RIGHT?

- RIGHT!

RIGHT?
- RIGHT!

SO'S I'LL BE A-SITTIN'
RIGHT SMACK AT YOUR SIDE

SO'S I CAN HELP
YOU BETTER, RIGHT?

- RIGHT!

- SURE ENOUGH, YOU
SILVER-TONGUED SPELLBINDER.

I'LL DO IT.

- WONDERFUL, COUSIN
VIRGIL, JUST WONDERFUL.

HOW CAN I EVER THANK YOU?

- DON'T WORRY, DOBE.
HE'LL THINK OF SOMETHING.

OOH, WILL HE THINK OF SOMETHING.

- OH, FORGET IT, H.F., BABY.

I'M NOT MAD AT YOU
FOR STRIKING ME OUT

IN THE COMPANY SOFTBALL GAME.

AH, EVERYTHING'S FAIR
IN LOVE AND BASEBALL.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,
THAT'S ONE OF THE THINGS

I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

FIRST, I WANT TO
CONGRATULATE YOU

ON THAT GREAT FASTBALL OF YOURS,

AND SECONDLY IS TO
TELL YOU YOU'RE FIRED!

PICK UP YOUR CHECK
AND GET OUT, YOU BUM!

WHO THE SAM HILL ARE YOU?

- I AM VIRGIL T. GILLIS
AND I AM HERE TO SIGN UP

IN YOUR FAMOUS
EXECUTIVE TRAINING CLASS,

MR. P.T., DADDY... ATWATER, SIR.

- SO YOU'VE HEARD
ABOUT ME, HAVE YOU, BOY?

- HEARD ABOUT YOU?

WHY, MR. ATWATER, SIR,
DOWN WHERE I COME FROM...

THAT'S ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF
THE MASON-DIXON LINE, YOU KNOW...

YOU ARE BIGGER
THAN THE MINT JULEP!

- WELL...

- IF THEY HAD AN
ELECTION, MR. ATWATER, SIR,

YOU'D COME IN FIVE STATES
AHEAD OF JEFFERSON DAVIS.

- WELL, YOU CAN CALL ME P.T.

- CALL YOU P.T.?

MAY I, SIR? HEAVENS
TO MAGNOLIAS,

WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT SUCH A
HONOR WOULD EVER BE GIVEN

TO A POOR LITTLE
OLD FARM BOY LIKE ME?

- STEADY, SON.

YOU MUSTN'T LET YOUR GOOD
FORTUNE BOWL YOU OVER.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I GOT
ANOTHER SURPRISE FOR YOU.

I'M GONNA LET YOU
CARRY THE QUICKIE COOKER

INTO CLASS FOR ME.

- THIS IS IT?

THIS IS THE GENUINE
QUICKIE COOKER?

- MM-HMM.

- WHY, MR. ATWATER, SIR,

JUST TOUCHING IT MAKES
ME FEEL NOBLE ALL OVER.

- OH, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, SON.

IT HAPPENED TO ME TOO.

WELCOME TO MY EXECUTIVE
TRAINING PROGRAM.

YOU KNOW, IT'S REFRESHING TO
MEET A RESPECTFUL YOUNG MAN

LIKE YOU.

- OH, I AM RESPECTFUL
FROM HEAD TO TIPPY TOE, SIR.

- YES, I CAN SEE
THAT, AND I LIKE IT.

IF THERE'S ONE
THING I CAN'T STAND

IS A KID WHO MAKES OUT LIKE
HE KNOWS ALL THE ANSWERS

AND KEEPS TALKING BACK!

- COUSIN VIRGIL, YOU SAY THE
WAY TO HANDLE MR. ATWATER

IS TO MAKE OUT LIKE I
KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS

AND KEEP TALKING BACK?

- RIGHT, COUSIN DOBIE.

YOU GOTTA TREAT
HIM ROUGH AND TOUGH

AND AGGRESSIVE.

- GOLLY, COUSIN
VIRGIL, I'M CONFUSED.

- YEAH, WHEN HE'S
THROUGH WITH YOU,

YOU'RE GONNA BE VERY BEFIDDLED.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S BEFUDDLED,
AND LAY OFF COUSIN VIRGIL.

- WELL, THANK YOU, COUSIN DOBIE.

BUT DON'T GET MAD
ON MORTON HERE.

THAT'S JUST HIS LITTLE WAY.

- I STILL THINK THAT'S MAYNARD.

- LET ME TELL YOU HOW I GOT
THIS SCHEME FIGURED OUT.

YOU SEE, THIS MR. P.T. ATWATER'S
A BIG BUSINESS EXECUTIVE

THAT'S ALL DAY LONG UP
TO HIS WALLET IN EMPLOYEES

THAT BUTTER WOULDN'T
MELT IN THEIR MOUTH.

THEY'RE YESSING AND SIRRING
AND TOADYING UP A STORM.

SO NOW, IF YOU'RE
SMART, WHAT DO YOU DO?

- HE STARTS YESSIN' AND SIRRIN'
AND A-TOADYIN' UP A STORM.

- NO, HE PLAYS IT ROUGH
AND TOUGH AND AGGRESSIVE.

THAT WAY, HE'S AN INDIVIDUAL.

- THAT WAY, HE'S OUT ON HIS EAR!

- YOU KNOW, MAYNARD.
COUSIN VIRGIL COULD BE RIGHT.

IF I TALK BACK TO
MR. ATWATER, HE'LL SIZE ME UP

AS A STRONG-MINDED FELLOW
WHO THINKS FOR HIMSELF.

- YOU GOT IT!
- UH-HUH.

- NOW, IF YOU'LL JUST
FOLLOW MY ADVICE, COUSIN,

YOU'RE GONNA MAKE AN
IMPRESSION ON MR. ATWATER

THAT HE AIN'T GONNA FORGET.

- THAT NOBODY
AIN'T GONNA FORGET.

- GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN.
- GOOD MORNING.

- NOW, WHAT KIND OF A
WISH-WASHY GOOD MORNING IS THAT

FOR OUR BELOVED LEADER

TO WHOM WE OWE THE
VERY BREAD IN OUR MOUTHS?

- LISTEN TO HIM, LISTEN TO HIM!

- SO LET'S HEAR THREE
BIG ONES FOR P.T. ATWATER,

OUR ESTEEMED FOUNDER!

P.T. ATWATER! HIP-HIP - HOORAY!

- HIP-HIP - HOORAY!

- HIP-HIP - HOORAY!

STAY PUT, COUSIN DOBIE. BE
A LEADER, NOT A FOLLOWER!

- WELL, I'M VERY
GRATEFUL TO YOU,

TRAINEES IN THE P.T. ATWATER
EXECUTIVE MANAGEMENT COURSE.

- LAND O'GOSHEN!
WHAT A CATCHY TITLE!

- I THOUGHT IT UP MYSELF!

NOW, GENTLEMEN, LET'S SEE
HOW YOU BEEN COMING ALONG

WITH YOUR HOMEWORK.

QUESTION: WHAT IS IT HUNGRY
FOLKS ARE ITCHING FOR?

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

- GOOD!

AND WHAT'S THE GREATEST
TREAT FOR THE FAMILY'S TUMMIES?

- A DINNER FOR ALL FROM
THE QUICKIE COOKER, RIGHT?

RIGHT?
- RIGHT!

- WELL, THAT'S EXCELLENT,
GENTLEMEN, EXCELLENT,

WITH ONE EXCEPTION.

YOU, DOPIE GILLIS!

- YEAH, THAT'S
DOBIE, SIR, WITH A B.

- UNLESS I'M MISTAKEN,

I DIDN'T HEAR YOU SING OUT
THE QUICKIE COOKER SLOGAN.

- OH, NO, SIR, YOU'RE
NOT MISTAKEN.

HE DIDN'T, NOT A
SINGLE SOLITARY WORD.

- I WROTE THOSE SLOGANS MYSELF.

IS IT POSSIBLE YOU HAVE
SOME OBJECTION TO THEM?

- THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT HE'S GOT, SIR,

OBJECTIONS, AND LOTS OF THEM!

- OH? WOULD YOU
CARE TO NAME THEM?

- YOU BET HE'D CARE TO
NAME 'EM! NAME 'EM, DOBIE.

- WELL, I...

- HE SAYS THEY'RE
STUPID, CORNY AND IDIOTIC.

THEM ARE THE WORDS, AIN'T THEY?
- WELL, I...

- THAT'S WHAT HE SAYS
THEY ARE, STUPID, CORNY

AND IDIOTIC, RIGHT?

- RIGHT!

RIGHT?

- AND STAY OUT!

- HEY, DOBE, YOU STILL WANNA
BE A BIG BUSINESS TYPHOON?

- MAYNARD, THAT'S TYCOON,
AND I'VE GOT MY DOUBTS.

- YEAH, YOU ALSO GOT NO CHANCE
TO STAY IN THAT TRAINING CLASS,

THANKS TO YOUR
CRUMB-BUM COUSIN VIRGIL.

- YEAH, COUSIN VIRGIL. I
WONDER HOW HE'S TAKING THIS?

- IT'S A PITY, A
LOWDOWN CRYING PITY.

- YEP, IT LOOKED
LIKE I WAS SUNK.

BUT THAT'S WHEN FATE STEPPED IN.

WELL, NOT REALLY FATE.

FATE WAS NEVER PUT
TOGETHER SO INTERESTINGLY.

- PLEASE, DADDY, GIVE
DOBIE ANOTHER CHANCE

FOR ME, YOUR SWEET,
LOVING, ONLY DAUGHTER, HMM?

- BUT P.T. ATWATER WAS
A TOUGH NUT TO CRACK.

HE DIDN'T CLIMB TO THE
TOP OF THE BUSINESS WORLD

BY BEING A SOFTIE.

SO WHEN HIS DAUGHTER
STARTED TO PLEAD WITH HIM

TO GIVE ME ONE MORE CHANCE,
HE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT TO SAY.

- DOBIE GILLIS, I'LL GIVE
YOU ONE MORE CHANCE.

- SO I WAS STILL ALIVE AND
KICKING, THANKS TO CECILY.

I COULD HARDLY
WAIT TILL THAT NIGHT

WHEN WE WERE ALONE TO
TELL HER HOW GRATEFUL I WAS.

- DOBIE, I LOVED
DOING IT FOR YOU.

- NO, MY SWEET, FOR US.

- NO, SHE'S RIGHT,
COUSIN DOBIE, FOR YOU.

OTHERWISE, YOU'D BE DEAD.

- THAT'S TRUE, COUSIN VIRGIL.

THANKS FOR REMINDING ME OF
WHAT A GOOD-FOR-NOTHING I AM.

- MY PLEASURE.

AND I SURE HOPE YOU TWO
DIDN'T MIND MY TAGGING ALONG

TO THE MOVIES WITH YOU TONIGHT.

OH, BY THE WAY, COUSIN
DOBIE, I'M GONNA PAY YOU BACK

FOR MY TICKET THE VERY
SECOND I GET CHANGE

FOR THIS THOUSAND-DOLLAR
BILL I'M A-CARRYIN'.

- AW, FORGET IT, COUSIN VIRGIL.

WE ENJOYED HAVING YOU.

BUT NEXT TIME, WE'LL TRY AND
GET THREE SEATS TOGETHER

SO ONE PERSON DOESN'T
HAVE TO SIT ALONE.

- RIGHT. YOU MUST HAVE
GOT AWFUL LONESOME

SITTING WAY UP THERE IN
THAT BALCONY ALL BY YOURSELF.

- WELL, I GOT USED TO IT.

- IT'S GETTING LATE, AND
YOU BIG BUSINESS TYCOONS

NEED YOUR REST FOR
CLASS TOMORROW.

SO I GUESS YOU'D
BETTER TAKE ME HOME.

- RIGHT, MY ANGEL, A QUIET
WALK ALONG MOONLIT STREETS

WOULD BE DELIGHTFUL.

- WELL, THANK YOU, COUSIN
DOBIE! THAT'S A JIM-DANDY IDEA!

AND DON'T BOTHER
WAITING UP FOR ME.

I MAY BE GETTING
HOME KIND OF LATE.

- HUH?

- YOU SEE, COUSIN, I
WANNA TELL MISS CECILY

SOME PRETTY SWEET
THINGS ABOUT YOU,

AND I WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO
BE EMBARRASSED, YOU KNOW?

- OH, COUSIN VIRGIL,

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PUT THIS
IN WORDS, BUT, WELL, THANKS.

- YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY NOTHING.

IT'S SOMETHING I WANNA DO!

- GOOD NIGHT, CECILY, MY LOVE.

COUSIN VIRGIL WILL
TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU.

- AWFUL NICE FELLA.
- I THINK SO.

- AND SMART.

GRACIOUS, WHEN HE WAS 16,
HE WAS HEAD AND SHOULDERS

THE SMARTEST KID IN THE CLASS.

- REALLY?
- YOU BET!

SMARTEST 16-YEAR-OLD
THEY EVER HAD

IN THE THIRD GRADE.

- VIRGIL!

- NOW, CALM
YOURSELF DOWN, MISSY.

THERE AIN'T NOTHING TO
GET ALL FEVERED UP ABOUT.

HE JUST HAPPENED TO LIKE
BEAD STRINGING AND SAND PILE.

NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

- OH, DEAR!

- HE'S A FINE FELLA FOR
YOU, AND THAT'S A FACT.

I MEAN, YOU'LL LEAD
A NICE, QUIET LIFE.

WITH THE MONEY HE'S GONNA EARN,

THAT'S THE ONLY KIND
OF LIFE YOU COULD LEAD.

IT'S SURE A SIGHT BETTER
THAN BEING HITCHED

TO SOME BALL OF FIRE
THAT'S BOUND AND DETERMINED

TO SELL A MILLION QUICKIE
COOKERS AND BE FAMOUS

AND HAVE A BIG MANSION
WITH A LOT OF SERVANTS

MILLING AROUND WAITING
ON YOU HAND AND FOOT,

LIKE ME.

- VIRGIL, SOMEHOW,
I GET THE FEELING

THAT YOU'RE AFRAID DOBIE
ISN'T GOING TO AMOUNT

TO MUCH IN THIS WORLD.

- WHO SQUEALED?

WHO WAS THE RAT THAT
REVEALED POOR COUSIN DOBIE'S

PITIFUL LACK OF BRAINPOWER?

- OH, VIRGIL, I KNOW HOW NOBLE
AND LOYAL YOU ARE TO DOBIE.

- OH, I AM, I AM!

- BUT TELL ME THE TRUTH, PLEASE!
WILL HE TURN OUT TO BE A NOBODY?

- MISS CECILY, MUCH AS
I LIKE AND RESPECT YOU,

I JUST CANNOT
ANSWER THAT QUESTION

ON THE GROUNDS THAT
THE TRUTH WOULD RUIN

MY POOR, DEAR
SCHNOOK OF A COUSIN.

- OH, HOW AWFUL!

- REST YOUR HEAD ON MY SHOULDER,
YOU POOR, BEREAVED THING.

I KNOW HOW YOU MUST FEEL,

AND I'LL SEE IF I CAN'T
JOY YOU UP A TRIFLE.

♪ I WISH I WAS AN APPLE
A-HANGIN' ON A TREE ♪

♪ AND EVERY TIME
THAT YOU'D PASS BY ♪

♪ YOU'D TAKE A
LITTLE BITE OF ME ♪

♪ CUDDLE UP CLOSE,
OH, MY HONEY ♪

♪ CUDDLE UP CLOSE,
OH, MY HONEY ♪

♪ CUDDLE UP CLOSE,
OH, MY HONEY ♪

♪ MARRY YOU SOMEDAY ♪

♪ BE MY HONEY IN THE
SPRINGTIME MY HONEY IN THE FALL ♪

♪ IF I CAN'T HAVE
YOU, MY LITTLE GAL ♪

♪ I WANT NO GAL AT ALL ♪

♪ CUDDLE UP CLOSE,
OH, MY HONEY ♪

♪ CUDDLE UP CLOSE,
OH, MY HONEY ♪

♪ CUDDLE UP CLOSE,
OH, MY HONEY ♪

♪ MARRY YOU SOMEDAY ♪

♪ MARRY YOU SOMEDAY ♪

YOU REALIZE, OF
COURSE, MY FAIR LADY,

THAT I WAS JUST DOING
THAT FOR MY COUSIN DOBIE.

IT'S MY DUTY TO LET YOU
KNOW HOW HE FEELS ABOUT YOU.

- VIRGIL, YOU'RE SO THOUGHTFUL.

- OH, I AM, I AM.

I'M THINKING EVERY MINUTE.

- MR. GILLIS, I THINK
I MADE A MISTAKE

IN ALLOWING YOU
BACK IN THE CLASS!

- OH, NO, SIR. YOU
WON'T REGRET IT.

- YES, HE WILL.

- I HAVE TO GO ALONG
WITH LAMEBRAIN THERE.

- YOU'RE WELCOME.
- BUT I PROMISED MY DAUGHTER,

RECKLESS FOOL THAT
I AM, SO LET'S PUSH ON.

THIS, GENTLEMEN, IS
THE QUICKIE COOKER.

- YOU'LL NEVER GET
IT OFF THE GROUND.

- SO SIMPLE, A CHILD
COULD OPERATE IT.

- I CAN?

- WE PUT THE RAW
INGREDIENTS IN HERE:

CABBAGE, CARROTS, POTATOES

AND SQUAB.

ONLY JUST ARRIVED
FROM THE MARKET

A FEW MOMENTS AGO.

NOW THE QUICKIE
COOKER WILL TAKE OVER.

NOW, WATCH CAREFULLY,
GENTLEMEN, AND YOU WILL SEE

ONE OF THE ELECTRONIC
MARVELS OF THE AGE

COURTESY OF P.T. ATWATER.

I SHALL SET THIS
CONTROL AT NORMAL SPEED

AND THIS ONE AT 10 SECONDS.

AH, THE QUICKIE COOKER
IS BEGINNING TO OPERATE

IN ALL ITS GLORY.

PERFECTING THIS
MARVEL TOOK A MAN

WITH TREMENDOUS BRAINPOWER,
IMAGINATION AND INGENUITY.

FORTUNATELY, I HAD IT.

[TIMER RINGS]

- AH, NOW WE'RE READY!

OBSERVE, GENTLEMEN,
THE MAGNIFICENT

FINISHED PRODUCT, A DELICIOUS
MEAL PREPARED IN A JIFFY.

- JIFFY? LOOKS
MORE LIKE A PLATE.

- I'LL IGNORE THAT
IDIOTIC REMARK

AND PASS THIS FINISHED
PLATE OF FOOD AMONG YOU

SO THAT YOU MAY SEE THE
RESULTS OF A GENIUS AT WORK.

AND NO SAMPLING!

- NOW'S YOUR
CHANCE, COUSIN DOBE.

- CHANCE?
- RIGHT.

LOOK HOW ALL THEM OTHER
FELLAS IS TOADYING, YESSING,

AND TELLING HIM HOW GOOD IT IS.

IT'S DISGUSTING! I'M
THE DISGUSTEDEST!

BUT JUST TO MAKE YOU LOOK
BETTER, YOU UNDERSTAND...

- YEAH, COUSIN VIRGIL...

- SO JUST HOP UP
ON YOUR HIND LEGS

AND TELL HIM WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THAT THERE COOKER!

- I DON'T KNOW. LOOK
WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME.

- BUT THIS IS DIFFERENT.

THE LAST TIME, YOU
WERE JUST DESTRUCTIVE.

THIS TIME, YOU'RE GONNA
TELL HIM WHAT TO DO

TO MAKE THAT THERE
COOKER BETTER!

- BUT, I...

- MR. ATWATER, SIR? HE
DON'T LIKE THAT COOKER.

- HE DON'T LIKE THE COOKER?

- WELL, I...
- RIGHT. HE DON'T LIKE IT.

AND HE'S GONNA TELL YOU
HOW YOU CAN IMPROVE IT.

- IMPROVE MY COOKER?

- YEP, THAT'S WHAT HE SAYS.

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?

HE SAYS THERE'S
PLENTY WRONG WITH IT.

TELL HIM, DOBE.

- I DON'T THINK THERE'S
ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT.

IT LOOKS FINE TO ME.

- HE SAYS IT'S UGLY.
- UGLY?

- HE SAYS IT'S CLUMSY.
- CLUMSY?

- THAT'S WHAT HE SAYS. WHAT?

YOU SAY THERE'S ONLY
ONE THING TO DO WITH IT?

THROW OUT THE WHOLE MESS
AND START ALL OVER AGAIN?

- DOBIE GILLIS, THAT'S
RANK INSUBORDINATION!

- HE SAYS HE'S GONNA
SHOW YOU WHAT TO DO.

COME ON, DOBE.
- COUSIN VIRGIL...

I WANT YOU TO SHOW HIM HOW
THEM NUTTY-LOOKING HANDLES

IS IN THE WRONG PLACE.

- NO, COUSIN VIRGIL...

- NOW I WANT YOU
TO SPEAK YOUR MIND.

- LET ME SIT DOWN,
PLEASE? I DON'T WANNA DO...

- NO...

- OOPS!
- THOSE ARE THE PRESSURE GAUGES!

THE HANDLE'S ON TOP, YOU NITWIT!

- WELL, NOBODY'S PERFECT.

BUT WAS I DISCOURAGED
JUST BECAUSE THE CLASS

LAUGHED AT ME AND
P.T. THREW ME OUT

AND CECILY WOULDN'T
SPEAK TO ME ANYMORE?

YOU BET I WAS.

BUT I KNEW THERE
WAS STILL ONE WAY

I COULD GET BACK
INTO THE RUNNING.

IF I TURNED OUT TO BE A
CRACKERJACK SALESMAN,

IF I SOLD MORE QUICKIE COOKERS
THAN ANYBODY ELSE IN THE CLASS,

THEN P.T. WOULD FORGIVE ME,

CECILY WOULD TAKE ME BACK,

AND EVERYTHING
WOULD BE ROSY AGAIN.

THE QUESTION WAS COULD I DO IT?

- THE ANSWER IS NOT
NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS.

- I'VE GOTTA DO IT, MAYNARD.
THIS IS IT. ALL OR NOTHING.

SINK OR SWIM, LIFE OR DEATH.

- SALT OR PEPPER.

- HAVE YOU GOT THE COOKER?
- CHECK.

- SALES MANUAL?
- CHECK.

- PROSPECT LIST?
- CHECK.

- THEN WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?

- YOU'RE STANDING ON MY FOOT!

- WHAT A WEEK I PUT IN!

I MADE A MILLION PHONE CALLS,
I WALKED A THOUSAND MILES.

I PUSHED EVERY DOORBELL IN TOWN

AND THEN CAME THE
DAY OF RECKONING,

THE DAY EVERYBODY HAD
TO REPORT HIS SALES TOTAL.

MAYNARD CAREFULLY CHECKED
AND RECHECKED MY TOTAL.

- WHAT'S TO CHECK AND
RECHECK? WHAT YOU GOT IS ZERO.

- YOU'RE SURE?

- BETTER NOT ASK
ME TO CHECK IT AGAIN.

YOU COULD COME OUT WITH MINUS.

- MY LIFE IS OVER. I'M
DOOMED, DOOMED, DOOMED!

- NO, DON'T GIVE UP, GOOD BUDDY.

THERE'S STILL CLEVELAND
AND THAT OTHER TOWN

IN MISSISSIPPI, MEXICO.

- HI, COUSIN DOBIE.
HOW YOU DOING?

- HOWDY, COUSIN
VIRGIL. I'M MISERABLE.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

HELLO? YES, THIS
IS DOBIE GILLIS.

RIGHT.

OH, HELLO, MISS SWENSON.
IT'S ONE OF MY PROSPECTS.

- TELL HER THE DAMAGE
YOU DID WAS AN ACCIDENT.

- NO, NO. THIS ONE LIKES ME.
A DEMONSTRATION DINNER?

YOU BET! I'LL BE
THERE IN 10 MINUTES.

AND, MISS SWENSON, THANKS.

YOU'RE ONE OF
NATURE'S NOBLE WOMEN.

GOODBYE.

HEY, I STILL GOT A
CHANCE! COUSIN VIRGIL,

WOULD YOU COME ALONG
AND HELP ME, PLEASE?

- YOU WANT HIM TO HELP?

THAT'S LIKE ELIOT NESS ASKING
AL CAPONE TO HOLD THE GUN

WHILE HE TIES HIS SHOELACES!

- NOW, DON'T HURT
YOUR HEAD, MERTON.

I'D JUST LOVE TO LEND A HAND,
BUT I'M A-FEARED I'M TOO BUSY.

- THANKS ANYHOW, COUSIN VIRGIL.
I SURE COULD USE SOME HELP.

THIS MISS SWENSON'S
THE COOK AT A DORMITORY

OVER AT THE COLLEGE.

SHE'S INTERESTED IN BUYING
AT LEAST A DOZEN COOKERS.

- WELL, WHAT ARE WE WAITIN' FOR?

- YOU'LL HELP ME?
- WOULD AL CAPONE HOLD THE GUN?

- 'COURSE I'LL HELP YOU, COUSIN!
BLOOD'S THICKER THAN WATER!

- HIS AIN'T.

- YOU FELLAS TAKE SOME
COOKERS AND GO ON AHEAD.

I'LL MEET YOU IN THE CAR.

I GOTTA MAKE JUST ONE
LITTLE OLD PHONE CALL,

AND I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.
BELIEVE ME, COUSIN DOBIE,

HELPING YOU IS A PLEASURE!

- COOKING MEALS FOR 150
COLLEGE KIDS IS TOUGH, HUH?

- TOUGH?

IT'S AGING ME WAY
AHEAD OF MY TIME.

HOW OLD WOULD YOU SAY I LOOK?

- OH, LET'S SEE. 83.

- 36,

AND I THINK I CHANGED MY
MIND ABOUT THEM COOKERS.

- PLEASE, MISS SWENSON,
MAYNARD DIDN'T MEAN THAT.

- 84?

- OKAY, FELLOW
SALESMEN, LEAVE IT TO ME.

I'LL TAKE OVER FROM HERE.
- BUT, COUSIN VIRGIL...

- NOW GO GET LOTS
OF DISHES READY.

THIS IS A TEAM
OPERATION, YOU KNOW.

- YEAH, COUSIN VIRGIL, YEAH.

- 85?

- PARDON ME, MISSY,

COULD I PLEASE
SPEAK TO THE COOK?

I WANT TO ASK HER A FAVOR.

- I'M THE COOK, AND I
DON'T GIVE ANY FAVORS.

- OH, PSHAW, A LITTLE BITTY
SLIP OF A THING LIKE YOU

RUNNING A BIG PLACE LIKE THIS?

YOU DON'T FOOL ME, GAL.

- BUT I AM THE COOK. QUICK,
NAME THE FAVOR YOU WANT.

- WELL, I TOOK THE PRESUMPTION
OF TELEPHONING MY BOSS

TO MEET ME HERE.

IT'D SURE LOOK GREAT
IF HE COULD SEE ME

SELLING YOU A
COUPLE OF THESE HERE

QUICKIE COOKERS.

THEY ARE TRULY DELIGHTFUL.

- YOU SURE ARE.

- NO WOMAN SHOULD
BE WITHOUT ONE!

- HOW TRUE, HOW TRUE.
- NO, NO.

I'M TALKING ABOUT
THE QUICKIE COOKER.

- OH, THAT. WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

- WELL, I KNOW WHAT'S
GONNA GET YOU IN THE MOOD

TO THINK ABOUT
COOKIN' AND LIKE THAT.

IT'S A PART OF MY SERVICE
TO OUR CUSTOMERS.

NOW, YOU LISTEN GOOD, YOU HEAR?

- MM, WILL I!

♪ BABY FACE ♪

♪ YOU'VE GOT THE
CUTEST LITTLE BABY FACE ♪

♪ THERE'S NOT ANOTHER
ONE COULD TAKE YOUR PLACE ♪

♪ BABY FACE ♪

♪ MY POOR HEART IS JUMPIN' ♪

♪ YOU SURE HAVE
STARTED SOMETHIN' ♪

♪ BABY FACE ♪

♪ I'M UP IN HEAVEN WHEN
I'M IN YOUR FOND EMBRACE ♪

♪ I DIDN'T NEED A SHOVE
'CAUSE I JUST FELL IN LOVE ♪

♪ WITH YOUR PRETTY BABY
CUTE, I DON'T MEAN MAYBE ♪

♪ PRETTY LITTLE BABY FACE ♪

- I'LL BUY EM! I'LL BUY 'EM!

- WELL, THANK YOU,
MA'AM. HOW MANY?

- I DON'T KNOW. WHAT
ARE YOU SELLING?

- WELL, THEM DARLIN'
LITTLE OLD QUICKIE COOKERS,

OF COURSE.

- OH, YES, I REMEMBER.

NOW, IF YOU CAN COOK
A MEAL IN 12 MINUTES

FOR ALL THOSE HUNGRY
COLLEGE KIDS OUT THERE

LIKE YOU CLAIM, THEN
YOU'VE GOT A DEAL.

- YOU AIN'T A-JOSHIN'?

- I AIN'T A-JOSHIN'.
I'LL BUY A DOZEN.

- MA'AM, IF YOU WASN'T
STILL PRACTICALLY A CHILD,

I'D KISS YOU!

- I'M OVER 21 AND
MAKE THAT TWO DOZEN.

AND WHAT ARE YOU
WAITING FOR, HANDSOME?

- THAT'S QUITE A
BOY, THAT VIRGIL.

- HE'S DIVINE!

- IF MISS SWENSON
BUYS THOSE COOKERS,

I'M GONNA GIVE HIM A
TERRITORY ALL HIS OWN.

- DADDY, HOW WONDERFUL!

- HEY, DID YOU HEAR THAT?

A TERRITORY OF MY
VERY OWN AND A GIRL,

AND WHAT A GIRL TO GO WITH IT.

NO WONDER MY HEAD WAS
MADE UP TO FINISH THIS OFF

AND GET THEM BOTH.

- I'M GONNA SELL THEM COOKERS.

I'M GONNA GIVE MISS
SWENSON A BIG SALES PITCH.

NOW, THE RAW INGREDIENTS
ARE IN THE COOKERS.

ALL YOU'VE GOTTA DO
IS SET THE CONTROLS.

- ME? SET THE CONTROLS?
DUMB-HEADED ME?

- SURE. THERE'S NOTHING TO IT.

JUST SET IT LIKE
MR. ATWATER TOLD US,

NORMAL SPEED FOR 10 SECONDS.

- NORMAL, NORMAL SPEED,
NORMAL SECONDS, 10 SPEED.

HOW CAN A GUY REMEMBER ALL THAT?

OOH, I KNOW WHAT I'LL DO.

I'LL SET EVERY ONE
AT A DIFFERENT TIME

AND THEN I CAN'T MISS.

LET'S SEE.

FAST SPEED, FIVE SECONDS.

SUPER-FAST, FOUR SECONDS.
SUPER-DUPER FAST, THREE SECONDS.

SUPER-DUPER FAST, TWO SECONDS.

SUPER-DUPER-DUPER
FAST, ONE SECOND.

AND SUPER-DUPER-DUPER-DUPER.

- TAKE MY WORD FOR
IT, MISS SWENSON.

THE MEAL YOU'RE ABOUT TO
TASTE IS 1000% MORE DELICIOUS

THAN THE MEALS IN THE FINEST
RESTAURANTS IN THE WORLD,

MOUTH-WATERING,
DELECTABLE, EXCITING.

OH, WHAT A THRILL YOU
HAVE IN STORE, MY DEAR LADY.

- NOW, HOLD ON,
BUSTER. I THOUGHT HE...

- YEAH, I BELIEVE MY ASSISTANT,
MR. KREBS, IS FINISHED

SETTING THE MACHINERY IN MOTION
FOR THE DINNER OF A LIFETIME.

NOW, COME WITH
ME AND BE PREPARED

FOR A GREAT SURPRISE!

THIS COULD ONLY HAPPEN
IN AMERICA, AS YOU'LL SEE!

- GOOD BUDDY, I GOT A FEELING

SOMETHING GOOD IS
GONNA HAPPEN TO YOU.

- THAT'LL BE THE DAY.
- NO, IT'S TRUE, DOBE.

IT'S ABOUT SIX FEET TALL
WITH A STRAW SUITCASE

AND WEARING A JACKET
WITH A HOLE IN THE POCKET

THAT HE BORROWED FROM YOU.

- HEY-HO!

I COME TO SAY SO
LONG TO YOU ALL!

- WELL, IT'S ABOUT TIME.

- GOOD LUCK, COUSIN VIRGIL.

- HE MEANS GOOD
LUCK TO CLEVELAND.

- OH, I AIN'T GOING
THERE, MILTON.

I'M HEADED FOR THE
SOUTHERN TERRITORY

TO SELL QUICKIE COOKERS.

- GOOD LUCK TO THE SOUTH.

- THANK YOU, MERVIN,
WE APPRECIATE THAT.

- I STILL THINK THAT'S MAYNARD.

- WE?

- GOODNESS GRACIOUS!

EVERYTHING'S SLIPPING MY
MIND IN ALL THE EXCITEMENT.

WHY, ME AND CECILY, OF COURSE!

THAT PRETTY LITTLE PUNKIN'
OUGHT TO BE HERE RIGHT NOW.

- YOU AND CECILY?

- OH, HERE SHE IS NOW!

- HELLO, VIRGIL, DARLING.
- HI ALL, DUMPLIN'!

WELL, YOU KNOW HOW
IT IS, COUSIN DOBE,

JUST ONE OF 'EM THINGS.

OLD DANG CUPID'S DART WENT PLINK

RIGHT IN THIS LITTLE
OLD HEART OF MINE.

- HE SHOULD HAVE USED A BAZOOKA.

- SORRY I'M LATE, VIRGIL PIE.

- WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

JUST SO YOU'RE HERE
AT LAST, LAMB CHOP.

NOW, LET ME TAKE THAT BAG
AND PUT IT IN THE SCOOTER

AND WE'LL GET MOVING.

- NO, NO, SWEETIE FACE.

WE'LL HAVE DOBIE
SEND US THE LUGGAGE

AT DADDY'S SOUTHERN OFFICE.

YOU WON'T MIND, WILL YOU, DOBIE?

- WELL, WHATEVER
YOU SAY, MY BLOSSOM,

BUT THERE'S PLENTY OF
ROOM FOR THE TWO OF US

AND THAT BAG IN THAT SCOOTER.

- OH, NO. NOT NOW. LOOK.

- WELL, DON'T JUST
STAND THERE, VIRGIL!

EVERY DOOR IN THE
SOUTHERN TERRITORY

IS WAITING FOR OUR KNOCK!

- COMING, MR. P.T., SIR, COMING.

- GOODBYE, DOBIE!
GOODBYE, MAYNARD!