The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 4, Episode 14 - Who Did William Tell? - full transcript

[REHEARSAL PIANO PLAYS]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

- YOU RANG?

[JAZZ THEME]

- HOW DID MY FRIEND
MAYNARD G. KREBS

GET INTO AN OPERA?

THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION,

AND I WISH I COULD GIVE
YOU A GOOD ANSWER.

HOWEVER, I'LL HAVE
TO DO THE BEST I CAN

IF YOU'LL KINDLY GIVE
ME YOUR ATTENTION.

THIS IS MY COUSIN,
DUNKIE GILLIS.



DUNKIE LIVES AT OUR HOUSE.

DUNKIE'S 16 YEARS OLD.

DUNKIE'S A NUT.

AND THIS IS GERARD FINSTER.

AND FRANKLY, THE
WHOLE THING'S HIS FAULT.

YOU SEE, GERARD MARRIED
MY MOTHER'S SISTER, MABEL,

AND TOOK HER TO LIVE IN DULUTH.

LAST WEEK, THEY HAD THEIR
20th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY,

SO MOM AND DAD WENT
OUT FOR THE CELEBRATION,

LEAVING ME IN CHARGE AT HOME.

WELL, I HAD TO WATCH THE STORE,

SO I ASKED MAYNARD TO
KEEP AN EYE ON DUNKIE.

THAT'S WHERE I MADE MY MISTAKE.

- GOOF? ME? CUDDLY, LOVABLE ME?



- YOU SURE DID GOOF.

YOU TELL ME THERE'S
A BEAUTY CONTEST

OVER AT THE COLLEGE.

YOU DRAG ME ALL
THE WAY OVER HERE.

NOW, NO CONTEST.

- HEY, DUNKIE, YOU WANNA
HIT ME IN THE STOMACH,

LIKE, REAL HARD?

WELL, YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD. OOH!
- MAYNARD,

SOMETIMES I THINK YOU'RE NOT
A VERY RESPONSIBLE PERSON.

- HEY, WATCH THAT
KIND OF TALK, KID.

I'M A VERY RESPONSIBLE PERSON.
- YOU?

- SURE. ANYTIME
ANYTHING GOES WRONG,

EVERYBODY ALWAYS SAYS

I'M RESPONSIBLE.
- YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE. I BET.

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT I COULD
HAVE DONE WRONG, DUNKIE.

I WENT OVER THE
CAMPUS BULLETIN BOARD

AND READ LIKE YOU SAID.

AND IT SAID, "CAMPUS
BEAUTY CONTEST

IN AUDITORIUM TODAY."

- THAT WORD "TODAY,"
MAYNARD, HOW WAS IT SPELLED?

- T-U-E-S-D-A-Y, HOW ELSE?

- MAYNARD, THAT SPELLS TUESDAY.

- MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO KICK ME
IN THE STOMACH. MY FATHER SAYS

A GOOD KICK IN THE
STOMACH'S GOOD FOR THE LIVER.

- [SOPRANO SINGING]
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS,

BUT IT ISN'T A BEAUTY CONTEST.

- IT'S MORE LIKE TWO
BEAUTY CONTESTS.

NO OFFENSE, FAT LADY.

OOH, THAT SMARTS. OW.

- SILENCIO, STUPIDO.
ROSA CESARA,

THE GREATEST SOPRANO IN
THE WHOLE WORLD, IS SINGING.

- YOU MEAN ONE PERSON OUT
THERE MAKING ALL THAT SCREECHING?

- STUPIDO.

- BOY, THE LAST TIME I
HEARD A SOUND LIKE THAT,

IT WAS COMING FROM
A FIRE ENGINE. OOO!

- SILENCIO.

WILL YOU KINDLY REMOVE

YOUR IMBECILE
CARCASSES OUT OF HERE

BEFORE I BREAK YOUR
HEAD IN 1,000 PIECES?

- COME ON, MAYNARD.
LET'S CUT OUT.

THIS GUY DON'T TALK TOO
GOOD, BUT I GET THE MESSAGE.

- SI, CARLOS, SI.

TONIGHT WE ARE
PRESENTING "WILLIAM TELL,"

BUT I CANNOT FIND
SPEAR CARRIERS,

ANY IGNORANT-LOOKING
FELLOWS WITH FOOLISH FACES.

ARRIVEDERCI, CARLOS.
I JUST FOUND THEM.

HEY, YOU, CALLOW YOUTH.
- YES, SIR?

- AND YOU, WHATEVER YOU ARE.

- YOU RANG?

- WOULD YOU LIKE
TO MAKE MAYBE $3.00

CARRYING SPEARS IN
THE OPERA TONIGHT?

- OH, NO, NOT ME. I'M A
PEACE-LOVING AMERICAN BOY.

I DON'T CARRY DANGEROUS WEEPINS.

- COUNT ME OUT
TOO. NO OFFENSE, SIR,

BUT OPERA'S JUST A
LOT OF BIG FAT PEOPLE

BELLOWING AWAY AT EACH OTHER,

AND I DON'T DIG
ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

- ATTENZIONE! I HAVE
FINISHED TO REHEARSE.

- UH, CORRECTION.

I JUST DISCOVERED
SOMETHING ABOUT OPERA I DIG.

- AH, ROSA.
- AH, ALFREDO.

- AH, MI...
- AH-CHOO!

- OH, WHAT A DISH.

- DUNKIE, HOW MANY
TIMES I TOLD YOU?

DON'T GET MIXED UP WITH CHICKS.

- OH, I DON'T KNOW,
3 OR 4 MILLION.

- AND GETTING MIXED UP WITH
AN OPERA CHICK IS THE WORST.

I MEAN, THEY GOT
TERRIBLE TEMPERS.

THEY'RE ALL THE
TIME BREAKING THINGS

AND SMASHING THINGS
AND THROWING THINGS.

- THROWING THINGS?
MY SWEET LITTLE ROSA?

RIDICULOUS.

- RIDICULO!

- NOW, NOW, BELLISSIMA.

- I AM THE TOAST OF
THREE CONTINENTS,

AND I AM FORCED TO SING FOR
A BUNCH OF RURAL PHEASANTS!

- I THINK IT IS
PRONOUNCED PEASANT.

BUT DON'T WORRY.

THEIR MONEY IS GOOD.
- HA!

LA CESARA WASTING HER
TALENTS IN A PRIMITIVE COUNTRY

WHERE EVEN THE PIZZA
IS FROZEN! RIDICULO!

- YOU ALWAYS HAVE
ME, YOUR ALFREDO.

- HA! YOU, TOO, ARE RIDICULO!

OUT, RIDICULO ONE, WITH
YOU AND YOUR JEALOUSY,

AS I AM ALL FED UP!

- JEALOUSY? ALFREDO
FARINO. HA HA HA!

THERE IS NOT A BONE OF JEALOUSY
IN MY ENTIRE HANDSOME BODY,

NOT EVEN A TINY ONE.

AND WHEN I FOUND OUT
WHO IS YOUR NEW LOVER,

I WILL KILL HIM WITH
MY BARE HANDS.

- I ONLY WISH THERE WAS
ONE I COULD BE IN LOVE OF,

BUT EVERY MAN I MEET
HERE IS DULL, STUPIDO,

WITH A FACE LIKE A BLANK WALL.

- HELLO.
- GOODBYE, BLANK WALL.

A DELIVERY BOY.

- NO, MADEMOISELLE. ALLOW
ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.

I AM DUNKIE GILLIS, MUY
BORING SPEAR CARRIER.

- REPORT TO THE STAGE MANAGER.

- I'D RATHER STAY HER...
I MEAN, HERE, HERE.

SHE'S PRETTIER.
- WHAT?

- OOH. YOU SEE, IT'S BEEN
MY LIFELONG AMBITION

TO BE CLOSE TO THE
GREAT ROSA CESARA.

- OH, THEN YOU ADMIRE MY VOICE?
- YOUR VOICE?

OH, YEAH, YEAH. THAT TOO.

- MM, THIS AMERICANO
COULD BE MORE DANGEROUS

THAN HE LOOKS, ONE HOPES.

TELL ME, YOU ARE
FAMILIAR WITH MY WORK?

- BUT OF COURSE I KNOW
YOUR WORK, FRAULEIN.

EVERY GORGEOUS PIZZICATO.

- TELL ME, IN WHICH ROLE
DID YOU LIKE ME BEST?

- YOU NAME IT, I FLIPPED FOR IT.

- YOU HEARD ME SING MIMI?
- DREAMY, SIMPLY DREAMY.

- "COSI FAN TUTTE"?
- THAT WAS A BEAUTY.

- "LA GIOCONDA"?
- COULDN'T BE FONDER.

- OOH, WHAT ABOUT "NORMA"?
- YOU SANG UP A STORMA.

- "MANON LESCAUT"?
- HO HO HO HO.

- OH, YOU THINK I
AM A GREAT ARTISTE?

- THE ARTIEST,
SEÑORITA, THE ARTIEST.

- ALFREDO, DO NOT STAND
THERE LIKE A MAROON,

HIRE THE BRAVE LITTLE MAN!

- BRAVE-O, SEÑORITA!

- BRILLIANT YOUNG MAN...
- YES?

- WHAT DID YOUR
SAY YOUR NAME WAS?

- GILLIS, DUNKIE GILLIS.

- DONKEY?
- NO, NO.

DUNKIE WITH A U.

BUT YOU, MADEMOISELLE,
MAY CALL ME ANYTHING.

- I KNOW WHAT I
LIKE TO CALL YOU.

- I CALL HIM MAGNIFICENT.

- I CALL MYSELF RIDICULOUS.

- BUT ALSO YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

- OH, NO, MISS CESARA, YOU
ARE THE ONE WHO'S BEAUTIFUL.

NO, BEAUTIFUL
REALLY ISN'T THE WORD.

- OH, YES, IT IS.
I AM BEAUTIFUL.

- YOU'RE MUSIC, YOU'RE POETRY.

- OH, YOU ARE SO DIFFERENT,

SO UNLIKE THE OTHER
MEN I HAVE KNOWN.

NEVER HAVE I MET
ANYONE LIKE YOU.

- FEW HAVE.

- BUT ENOUGH OF THIS
RECITATIF ROMANTICO.

COME. TO WORK.

I WILL EXPLAIN TO YOU THE PART

YOU ARE TO PLAY IN THE OPERA.

IT IS MOST IMPORTANT
TO THE STORY

EVEN THOUGH YOU DO NOT SING.

YOU DO NOT SING, DO YOU?

- WELL, AS A MATTER
OF FACT, I DO.

YOU SEE, TALENT SORT
OF RUNS IN THE FAMILY.

GET THIS.

♪ I'D WALK A MILLION MILES ♪

♪ FOR ONE OF YOUR SMILES ♪

♪ MY MAMMY ♪

ONE MORE TIME!

- YOU DO NOT SING.

NOW, IN THE FIRST ACT, YOU
WILL BE DRESSED AS A SOLDIER

HOLDING A SPEAR.

- GOOD THINKING,
YOUR PRIMADONNASHIP.

IF YOU EVER HEARD HIM SING,

YOU KNOW HE NEEDS ALL
THE PROTECTION HE CAN GET.

♪ MAMMY ♪
ONE MORE TIME!

- MAYNARD.

- BUT YOU ARE NOT
TRULY A SOLDIER.

WHAT YOU REALLY ARE IS THE SON

OF THE GREAT SWISS
PATRIOT, WILLIAM TELL.

- WILLIAM TELL WHO?
- THAT WAS HIS NAME, TELL.

- HOW CAN I TELL?
I NEVER MET HIM.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

- HOW DO WE DISPOSE OF
THIS WHATEVER IT IS HE IS?

- THAT'S MAYNARD G.
KREBS. HE'S MY FRIEND.

- AH, YES. WELL, HAVE
COURAGE, MY LITTLE MUSKRAT.

WE IN ITALY KNOW, TOO, WHAT
IT IS TO LIVE WITH TRAGEDY.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

- AND A CHICKEN CACCIATORE
TO YOU TOO, SIGNORA.

- VIENE, DUNKIE.

BACK TO THE OPERA.

NOW, IN THE STORY, IF THE CRUEL
PRINCE UMBERTO RECOGNIZE YOU,

HE WOULD KILL YOU.

SO IN THE LAST ACT,
YOU WEAR THE IRON MASK.

- HEY, DUNKIE, NOW YOU
KNOW HOW A SARDINE FEELS.

- THAT'S SO YOU
DISGUISE YOUR FACE

FROM THE CRUEL CONTESSA, SONIA,

WHO WOULD BETRAY
YOU TO THE EVIL PRINCE.

AT THE CRUCIAL MOMENT,
I REMOVE THE MASK.

I PLACE THE APPLE ON YOUR HEAD.

YOUR FATHER,
WILLIAM TELL, TAKES AIM

WITH HIS BOW AND ARROW.

HE SHOOTS WITH
THE GREATEST SKILL.

AND IT ALL ENDS HAPPILY.

- HE HITS THE KID.
- NO. [SPEAKING ITALIAN]

HE MISS THE BOY.
HE HIT THE APPLE.

- WHAT A WASTE OF AN APPLE.

- DON'T MIND
MAYNARD, MY SONGBIRD.

HE WAS JUST LEAVING.

- I WAS?
- YOU WAS.

- OKAY, DUNKIE. WONDER
HOW HE KNEW I WAS LEAVING.

I MEAN, I DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW I WAS LEAVING.

MAN, WHAT AN AGE WE LIVE IN.

- OH, POOR MAYNARD.
HE MEANS WELL,

BUT HE KNOWS NOTHING
OF THE FINER THINGS.

- NOT LIKE YOU, EH,
MY LITTLE PIGEON?

- I KNOW THIS SOUNDS
CRAZY, ROSA, MY LAMB,

BUT I THINK I'VE FALLEN
IN LOVE WITH YOU.

- OH, AND I WITH YOU.

- I MEAN, REALLY IN LOVE
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE.

- I ALSO FOR THE
FIRST TIME IN WEEKS.

- BUT IT'S HOPELESS.

YOU'RE A GREAT
ARTIST, AND I'M A NOBODY.

- TRUE, BUT WHAT DOES IT MATTER
WHEN HEART CALLS TO HEART?

I LOVE YOU.
- YOU MEAN THAT?

- OF COURSE, I MEAN IT.
DO NOT ARGUE WITH ME.

YOU WILL JOIN THE OPERA COMPANY,

AND YOU WILL TRAVEL
WITH ME WHEREVER I GO.

- YEAH. I'LL BE A SINGER.

- YES. OH, NO, NO.
BUT DON'T WORRY.

WE WILL FIND SOMETHING FOR YOU.

- WELL, I'M A PRETTY
FAIR DANCER TOO.

- OH?
- WATCH THIS.

- MM, NOT A DANCER, BUT
DO NOT FRET, MY BELOVED.

WE WILL FIND SOMETHING
FOR YOU TO DO.

WE WILL TRAVEL AROUND
THE WORLD TOGETHER.

WE WILL BE MARRIED INSTANTLY.

- OH, ANYTHING
YOU SAY... MARRIED?

DID YOU SAY MARRIED?
- YES.

- I DON'T KNOW,
ROSA. I'M ONLY 16.

- WHAT DO YOU SAY NOW?

- I, DUNKIE, TAKE THEE, ROSA...

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
MARRIED? I DON'T KNOW.

- WHAT IS THERE TO KNOW?
I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME.

- YEAH, BUT IT'S
SUCH A BIG STEP.

- BUT IS THERE NO ONE YOU
CAN GO FOR... TO ADVICE?

A FRIEND PERHAPS?

A WISE RELATIVE?
- THAT'S IT.

A WISE RELATIVE...
MY COUSIN DOBIE.

- DOPEY?
- NO, NO. DOBIE WITH A B.

- WELL, WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HIM?
- AH, IT'S NO USE.

THERE'S ONLY ONE
ANSWER HE'D GIVE ME.

- YES?
- NO.

- YES.

- MAYBE YOU DIDN'T
UNDERSTAND ME, DOBE.

I SAID ROSA WANTS
ME TO MARRY HER.

- I UNDERSTOOD AND MY ADVICE IS

GO AHEAD AND DO IT.

- YOU REALLY THINK I SHOULD?
- POSITIVELY.

- DOBE, IF DUNKIE
MARRIES THIS CHICK,

HIS FATHER WILL KILL HIM

AND YOUR FATHER WILL
KILL YOU FOR NOT KILLING HIM

BEFORE HE COULD PULL
SUCH A CRAZY STUNT.

- MAYNARD, MAYNARD, MAYNARD.

FAINT HEART NEVER
WON FAIR MAIDEN.

- DOBIE, DOBIE, DOBIE.
TIPPECANOE AND TYLER TOO.

- GO, DUNKIE. CLASP THIS
FINE GIRL TO YOUR BOSOM

WITH HOOPS OF STEEL.

- YOU SURE?
- I'M SERENELY CONFIDENT. GO.

- YOU KNOW, BUT I'M ONLY 16.

- DETAILS, DETAILS. GO.

GO.

- DOBE, I'VE SEEN YOU
PULL SOME DUMB THINGS,

BUT THIS IS IT. NO OFFENSE.

- CORRECTION, MAYNARD.
THIS WAS A SMART THING.

CONSIDER, WHAT KIND
OF A KID IS DUNKIE?

- A HARDHEAD.
- EXACTLY.

SO IF I TELL HIM NOT
TO MARRY THIS GIRL,

WHAT'S THE FIRST THING HE'LL DO?

- MARRY HER.
- I REST MY CASE.

- YEAH. IT SOUNDS
ALL RIGHT, DOBE.

THERE'S ONLY ONE THING.
- WHAT?

- HOW DOES A KNOTHEAD LIKE YOU
FIGURE OUT SUCH A SMART PLAN?

- ME, KNOTHEAD?

- YOU, KNOTHEAD. ME, JANE.

- MAYNARD, YOU COULD BE RIGHT.

MAYBE I BETTER
HAVE A SECOND PLAN

JUST IN CASE THE FIRST
ONE DOESN'T WORK.

- MAYBE YOU BETTER
HAVE A THIRD PLAN

IN CASE THE SECOND
ONE DON'T WORK

AND A FOURTH IN
CASE IF THE THIRD...

- MAYNARD, MAYNARD,
ENOUGH. I GOT ANOTHER IDEA.

- TWO IN ONE DAY?
MAN, THAT'S A RECORD.

- MAYNARD, THIS ROSA
IS AN OPERA SINGER,

TRUE?
- TRUE.

- AND THE ONE THING
YOU CAN BE SURE

WITH OPERA SINGERS IS
THAT THEY'RE ALWAYS BROKE.

ALL I HAVE TO DO IS OFFER
THIS ROSA A FEW BUCKS,

AND SHE'LL DROP DUNKIE
LIKE A HOT BARITONE.

- ARE YOU SURE?
- POSITIVE.

- POSITIVE?
- POSITIVE.

- NEGATIVE. I NEVER GIVE HIM UP.

- OH, COME NOW. LET'S
APPROACH THIS INTELLIGENTLY.

AFTER ALL, WE ARE
MATURE, SOPHISTICATED

PEOPLE OF THE WORLD.

- ONE OF US ARE.

- WELL, I SEE THERE'S NO NEED
TO BEAT AROUND THE BUSH.

LOOK, WE GILLISES
ARE NOT EXACTLY

WHAT YOU'D CALL RICH,

BUT WE DO HAVE A
LITTLE BIT OF MONEY.

- OH, WHEN IT COMES TO
AN AFFAIR OF THE HEART,

HOW YOU CAN TALK ABOUT MONEY?

- ALL RIGHT, MISS.
ENOUGH CHITCHAT.

HOW MUCH IS THE
KID WORTH TO YOU?

- DO I HEAR YOU CORRECTLY?

- YOU HEAR ME LOUD AND CLEAR.

WHAT WOULD YOU
SAY TO, UH, UH, $40?

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

- I HEAR YOU AMERICANOS
ARE CRAZY FOR MONEY,

BUT THIS IS RIDICULO.

- NEVER MIND THE
CRACKS, FRAULEIN.

$40 WILL BUTTER
A LOT OF PARSNIPS.

- I DO NOT BELIEVE
WHAT I AM HEARING.

- THAT'S THE KIND OF TALK
YOU'RE GONNA GET FROM ME,

RIGHT ON THE LINE.
NO PUNCHES PULLED.

- ALL RIGHT. BUT I AM
SHOCKED BEYOND BELIEF.

SELLING YOUR OWN COUSIN FOR $40.

- OH, NOW, JUST ONE MINUTE.

- AHA. BARGAINING
FOR MORE, HUH? HERE.

TAKE ALL THIS AND BE
GONE FROM MY SIGHT.

- YOU KNOW, THAT
ISN'T WHAT I HAD IN...

- TO THINK THAT DUNKIE
SHOULD HAVE SUCH A COUSIN.

HERE. TAKE $20
MORE AND GET LOST.

SAYONARA AND ARRIVEDERCI,
YOU... YOU BAMBINO PEDDLER.

- YEAH, BEG YOUR
PARDON, SIGNORINI,

BUT WHERE DID ALL
THAT LOOT COME FROM?

- WHERE? HA HA! AS
IF YOU DID NOT KNOW,

YOU CHISELER OF MONIES.

- ROSA, THE OPERA HOUSE FROM
CLEVELAND IS ON THE PHONE.

THEY OFFER YOU $3,000.

- $3,000? I AM INSULTED.

TELL THE BARBARIANS
THAT ROSA CESARA

DOES NOT SING FOR ONE
LIRA LESS THAN $5,000.

TAKE HIM OR LEAVE HIM!

- THEY WILL TAKE HIM.

- UH, EXCUSE ME, MISS.

WAS THAT $5,000 YOU
WERE TALKING ABOUT?

- YOU BET. WHAT DO
YOU THINK I TALK ABOUT,

5,000 FROZEN PIZZAS?

UH, HOW LONG DO YOU
HAVE TO SING FOR THIS $5,000?

THREE YEARS? FOUR YEARS?
- I SING FOR ONE NIGHT,

YOU NOODLEHEAD.

- ONE NIGHT?

- PLEASE STOP TO PESTER ME.

BACK TO THE SORDID BUSINESS.

YOU WERE SAYING ABOUT
YOUR COUSIN DUNKIE?

- THAT YOU TWO KIDS
ARE GONNA BE REAL HAPPY.

AND I WANNA WELCOME
YOU TO THE GILLIS FAMILY

WHERE IT'S ALL FOR
ONE AND ONE FOR ALL,

AND ANYTHING I GOT IS YOURS
AND, LET US HOPE, VICE VERSA.

DUNKIE.

DUNKIE, DARLING.
DUNKIE, DARLING.

OH, YOU'RE A MIGHTY
LUCKY YOUNG MAN, COUSIN.

AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I'M WITH YOU ALL THE WAY.

AND I'M SURE YOU'RE
NOT GONNA FORGET

YOUR OLD FRIEND, COUSIN DOBIE,

WHEN YOU'RE SITTING
ON YOUR YACHT

AND DRINKING CHAMPAGNE
AND EATING CAVIAR AND ALL THAT.

- YOU MEAN IT'S OKAY?
I CAN MARRY ROSA?

- OF COURSE, MY BOY.

OF COURSE.
- YOU'RE NOT GONNA STOP ME.

PLEASE?
- I WOULDN'T DREAM OF IT.

A KISS FOR THE BRIDE.

YOU DOG.

- WELL, HERE WE ARE.

- ALONE TOGETHER.
AT LAST, WE TWO.

- WOULD YOU LIKE TO
PLAY A LITTLE GIN RUMMY?

- OH, MY DARLING, A
FOOLISH AMERICANO.

- NO GIN RUMMY, HUH?

WELL, HOW ABOUT A
LITTLE OLD MAID, SLAP JACK?

- OH, KISS ME, YOU FOOL.

- GLORYOSKY!

- OH, CARO MIO, DO
NOT BE AFRAID OF ME.

WE WILL MAKE SUCH
BEAUTIFUL MUSIC TOGETHER

IN PARIS, IN LONDON,
ROME OR VENICE.

- VENICE. THAT'S
WORLD-RENOWNED FOR ITS CANALS

AND BEAUTIFUL GLASSWARE.

I LEARNED THAT IN
HISTORY 2 TODAY.

- OH, STOP IT WITH THE
SCHOOL LESSON ALREADY!

OH, AND JUST KISS
ME, YOU NINCOMPOOP.

- AHA!
- OH, OH.

- SO THIS IS THE CREATURE
WHO HAS STOLEN YOU FROM ME.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

- JUST A MINUTE, MR. FARINO.
JUST A DARN MINUTE.

I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU.

- SPEAK, MY BELOVED ONE.

- YES, SPEAK, SOON
TO BE STRANGLED ONE.

- IN ACT TWO, SIR,

DO I WEAR THE RED
PLUME WITH THE BLUE CAP

OR IS IT THE BLUE
PLUME WITH THE RED CAP?

- [SPEAKING ITALIAN]

BE GONE, OUT OF MY SIGHT!

AND IF I EVER SEE YOU
NEAR MY ROSA AGAIN...

- I'M ALMOST A GROWN-UP
MAN. YOU CAN'T HURT ME.

- DON'T BET NO
MONEY ON IT, DUNKIE.

BUT DON'T WORRY
YOUR HEAD ABOUT IT.

IT IS MAGNIFICO TO BE KILLED
IN THE FLOWER OF YOUR YOUTH

FOR THE LOVE OF ROSA CESARA.

WHAT A GLORIOUS END.
WHAT A GLORIOUS DEATH.

WHAT GLORIOUS PUBLICITY.

- WHAT A MESS.

- DUNKIE, YOU SHOULDN'T USE
WORDS LIKE THAT AROUND ME.

YOU KNOW HOW SENSITIVE I AM.

- TONIGHT, MY
BELOVED ROSA SINGS.

- I'M AN ELLA
FITZGERALD MAN MYSELF.

- I'M SUPPOSED TO
BE ON STAGE WITH HER

IN AN HOUR FOR DRESS REHEARSAL.

IF I SHOW UP, FARINO
SAYS HE'LL KILL ME.

- HE'LL DO IT GOOD TOO.
- TRUE.

BUT I'M GONNA SHOW UP ANYHOW.

AND YOU KNOW WHY, MAYNARD?
- BECAUSE YOU'RE A NUT?

- NO, MAYNARD, BECAUSE
I'M IN LOVE AND BRAVE

AND COURAGEOUS AND TRUE.

- AND BECAUSE FARINO
LEFT FOR CLEVELAND

ON THE 2:00 TRAIN.
- WHO NEEDS THE MAGNIFICENT?

HOW DID YOU FIND OUT?
- I WAS DOWN AT THE STATION

FLATTENING PENNIES
ON THE TRACKS.

YOU WANT ONE?
- NO, THANKS.

YOU SEE, FARINO'S
GONE TO CLEVELAND

TO ARRANGE FOR
ROSA'S NEXT APPEARANCE,

AND I WILL BE WITH
MY BELOVED TONIGHT.

- WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU AND
THAT CHICK GET TO CLEVELAND?

HE'LL SHOOT YOU,
HE'LL RUN YOU THROUGH,

AND HE'LL STRANGLE
YOU WITH HIS BARE HANDS.

OOH, A FELLA COULD
GET HURT THAT WAY.

- OH, NO, NOT ME,

BECAUSE WE'RE NOT
GOING TO CLEVELAND.

AFTER THE PERFORMANCE
TONIGHT, ROSA AND I ARE ELOPING.

WE'RE FLYING TO HER VILLA
ON THE MEDITERRANEAN.

SHREWD.
- TRUE.

- CLEVER.
- TRUE.

- WELL-PLANNED.
- TRUE.

- SNEAKY.
- Both: TRUE.

[REHEARSAL PIANO PLAYING]

- QUIET! QUIET,
YOU NOISE-MAKERS.

LET US REHEARSE THE
ENTRANCE OF THE PRINCESS,

AND IT BETTER BE SUPERB

OR I BELT EVERYBODY
WITH A BASSO PROFUNDO.

PLAY.

AND...

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

- LIKE, HI, MR. F.

- BUON GIORNO.

- WELL, THE SAME TO YOU, FELLA.

[SINGING ARIA]

MAN, IS DUNKIE GONNA BE
SHOOK UP WHEN HE SEES YOU

'CAUSE HE THINKS HE'S SAFE
'CAUSE YOU'RE MILES AWAY

IN CLEVELAND. ONLY YOU AIN'T.

YOU'RE RIGHT HERE. MAN, OH, MAN,

HE AIN'T GONNA BE SHOOK
UP. HE'S GONNA BE, LIKE, DEAD.

- STOP! CEASE!

- HEY, DUNKIE, YOU
BETTER HEAD FOR THE HILLS.

- HALT! ARRETE!

WHO OR WHAT IS THIS
CREATURE WITH A BEARD?

EXTINGUISH HIM!
- WHOA, GOOD BUDDY... WHOA.

- THIS IS HOW THEY
DO OPERA IN AMERICA?

I'M GONNA START TO SWIM QUICK.

ONCE MORE, MY TONE-DEAF ONES.
BEGIN WITH THE PEASANT GIRLS.

- DUNKIE, CUT OUT.

BEAT IT.

SCRAM.

- STOP! HALT!

YOU ARE MURDERING
"WILLIAM TELL."

WHO IS THAT
GOOFY-LOOKING DANCER?

- DUNKIE, SPLIT, DUNKIE.
OH, NO, NOT AGAIN.

- WHY DID I NOT GO INTO MY
FATHER'S LASAGNA BUSINESS?

LET'S GO TO THE
ENTRANCE OF THE SOLDIERS.

AND I WARN
EVERYBODY, DON'T GOOF.

[SPEARS CLATTER]

STOP! CEASE! WHAT IS THIS?

AN OPERA OR MADISON
SQUARE GARDEN?

GET RID OF THAT
FUNNY-LOOKING NUT IN THE HAT.

UGLIEST-LOOKING
SOLDIER I EVER SEE,

EVEN WORSE THAN PEASANT GIRL.

- HEY, DUNKIE, CUT OUT.

- ONE MORE INTERRUPTION
AND I KILL MYSELF.

I COMMIT SIDEWAYS.

LET US START WITH
THE TYROLEAN DANCERS

AND, FOR A CHANGE, THIS TIME
WE ALL STAY TOGETHER, HUH?

- DUNKIE, DUNKIE, YOU
BETTER RUN LIKE A BUNNY.

FARINO'S HERE.

HE'LL CARVE YOU
UP LIKE SPAGHETTI!

DUNKIE.

HEY, DUNKIE, ZOOM
OFF! FARINO'S HERE!

HE'LL CHOP YOU
INTO LITTLE PIECES!

- ENOUGH! STOP! I QUIT,
YOU QUIT, WE ALL QUIT!

THAT TYROLEAN
DANCER'S GOT TO GO.

THROW HIM OUT!

HE'S REALLY UGLY.
REMINDS ME OF MY WIFE.

- [SPEAKING ITALIAN]

- HEY, DUNKIE, FARINO'S
HERE. YOU GOTTA SPLIT.

HEY, DUNKIE, MAN, HE'S
GONNA, LIKE, SUBDIVIDE YOU.

DUNKIE.

- MAYNARD, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- FARINO'S HERE!
- FARINO? HE'S HERE?

- YEAH, MAN, AND HE
DOESN'T KNOW YOU'RE HERE,

SO WHAT YOU DO IS
KEEP THE VISOR DOWN.

- OH, THE MASK?

- REMEMBER, KEEP
THAT VISOR DOWN.

- [SPEAKING ITALIAN]

- ♪ IL FIGLIO DE
GUILLERMO TELL ♪

- [SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[REPEATS THE LINE]

- CARO, IT IS YOUR
CUE. REMOVE THE MASK.

- WHAT'S GOING ON?
THIS IS NOT IN THE OPERA.

- FARINO'S BACK. IF HE SEES ME,

HE'LL TEAR ME APART.

- OH, BETTER YOU THAN THE OPERA.

- WHOO.

- IT IS DUNKIE, THE
SPEAR CARRIER.

I WILL MANGLE HIM.

- ROSA, I'VE BEEN
THINKING THIS OVER.

I DON'T THINK WE'D
BE HAPPY TOGETHER.

- SHH!

- I WILL SHOOT HIM DOWN.
I WILL RUN HIM THROUGH.

I'M GONNA STRANGLE HIM!

REVENGE.

AHA!

- [GASPS]

- [GASPS]

- I MISSED.

- OH, ALBERTO, I LOVE YOU.
- HUH?

- HOW CAN I NOT LOVE A MAN
WHO HAS JUST KILLED FOR ME,

CARISSIMO?

- COFFEE BREAK. TAKE FIVE.

- SO DUNKIE'S FLING WITH OPERA
AND OPERA SINGERS WAS OVER,

BUT THE OPERA SINGER HERSELF
REMAINED TRUE TO HER ART.

[REHEARSAL PIANO PLAYING]

- HEY, CHEER UP, DUNKIE.
THINGS AIN'T SO BAD.

LOOK WHAT I FOUND FOR US.

TRY TO IMAGINE IT'S
LIKE CORN ON THE COB.