The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 4, Episode 13 - Will the Real Santa Claus Please Come Down the Chimney? - full transcript
Maynard is staying with the Gillises for Christmas. That is when the Gillises learn that Maynard still believes in Santa Claus. After Maynard decides to be Santa's helper in getting all the Gillises their Christmas wants, which in the process ends up costing Herbert several hundred dollars, the Gillises believe that it is time that he learned that Santa Claus does not really exist. What they plan on doing is shocking the news into him. As Maynard admits that he has never seen the real Santa Claus, they will get someone to perform the Santa Claus ritual as Maynard knows it to be on Christmas Eve night, including Santa Claus sliding down the chimney, only to expose himself at the end of the process as a fraud to Maynard. Herbert ends up being the chosen Santa. There are many problems in executing the plan, most specifically having Herbert come down the chimney in one piece. But the plan has an unexpected consequence specifically on Winnie.
- CHRISTMAS IS ONLY
A FEW DAYS AWAY.
CAROLERS ARE CAROLING,
SANTA CLAUSES
ARE SANTA CLAUSING,
AND THE YULETIDE
SPIRIT'S BURNING BRIGHTLY
IN THE CLOSE-KNIT GILLIS FAMILY.
OBSERVE HOW MY
CLOSE-KNIT FATHER FEELS IT.
♪ DECK THE HALLS
WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY ♪
♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
- LOOK HOW MY KID
COUSIN DUNKIE FEELS IT.
♪ 'TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY ♪
♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
- AND, OF COURSE,
MY MOTHER FEELS
THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT
MORE THAN ANYONE.
- CHRISTMAS? BAH! HUMBUG!
[JAZZ THEME]
- WHEN MY MOTHER EXPRESSED
HER OPINION OF CHRISTMAS
A MINUTE AGO,
SHE WAS, SHALL
WE SAY, IRRITATED?
- CHRISTMAS! BAH! HUMBUG!
- WE SHALL SAY IRRITATED.
ALSO MAD, ANGRY,
FURIOUS AND IRKED.
WHY?
WHY WAS MY LOVABLE MOM
SO GROUCHY CHRISTMAS-WISE?
IT'S VERY ODD
BECAUSE WHEN THE HOLIDAY
SEASON STARTED THIS YEAR,
SHE WAS HAPPY AS A LARK.
- AND I WANT TO SING
LIKE A NIGHTINGALE!
♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
HOW'S THAT FOR KNOCKING
OUT A LITTLE CHRISTMAS CHEER,
HUH, KIDDO?
- MERRY CHRISTMAS, AUNT WINNIE!
AND SEEING YOU'RE
IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD,
DO YOU MIND IF I HAVE A
COUPLE OF BUCKS FOR TONIGHT?
- MERRY CHRISTMAS
TO YOU, DUNCAN,
AND I'M NOT IN THAT GOOD A MOOD.
- WHY NOT? THE
HOLIDAY SEASON IS HERE.
- SO IS YOUR UNCLE HERBERT.
DOES THAT ANSWER YOUR QUESTION?
- IT DOES, AND I GIVE UP.
- GANGWAY FOR HERBERT T.
GILLIS, FULL OF CHRISTMAS CHEER
AND LOVE OF HIS FELLOW MAN.
AND, DUNCAN, YOU BETTER
KEEP YOUR PAWS OFF
THAT CASH REGISTER
OR YOU ARE GONNA
WIND UP WITH A FISTFUL
OF STUBBY FINGERS.
- UNCLE HERBIE,
THAT IS POSITIVELY
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
TREE I EVER SAW...
- DON'T TRY TO
SOFT-SOAP ME, BOY.
I'M UP TO YOUR
SLEAZY TRICKS AND...
HEY, I AM KIND OF
ARTISTIC, AIN'T I?
- IT'S LOVELY,
DEAR, AND SO HUGE.
IT MUST HAVE COST A FORTUNE.
- WELL, WINNIE-POO, YOU
HAPPEN TO BE MARRIED
TO HERBERT T. GILLIS,
ONE OF THE LARGE OF
THE LARGE TYPE SPENDERS.
- YOU'RE WONDERFUL, DEAR.
- WITH A HEART AS
BIG AS ALL OUTDOORS.
- WELL...
- MR. GENEROUS.
- WHAT DELIVERY
TRUCK DID IT FALL OFF?
- BRUNDIDGE'S DEPARTMENT STORE
AND YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE WAY
I HAD TO FIGHT THOSE KIDS...
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT,
HERBERT, DEAR.
IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.
- NO, IT AIN'T. IT'S THE MONEY.
- YOU DON'T MEAN THAT.
- NO, I GUESS I DON'T.
BOY, I'M FULL OF THAT
CHRISTMAS SPIRIT
RIGHT UP TO HERE.
I'M IN LOVE WITH EVERYBODY
IN THE WHOLE WORLD,
HUMAN, INHUMAN OR
ANYBODY IN BETWEEN!
- YOU RANG?
- HI, MAYNARD. MERRY CHRISTMAS.
- ENOUGH OF THIS
POLITE GIBBLE-GABBLE.
WHERE'S MY PRESENT?
- CHRISTMAS ISN'T
TILL NEXT WEEK.
I'M AFRAID YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT.
- WHO WANTS TO
BE AFRAID. I'LL WAIT.
IN THE MEANTIME, LET US
TAKE A YULETIDE BANANA BREAK.
OH, YEAH.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL. JEERS!
- MAYNARD, DEAR, THAT'S CHEERS.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL
US WHY YOU'RE HERE
BEFORE MR. GILLIS
FORGETS THAT HE'S FILLED
WITH HOLIDAY CHEER?
- I BRUNG YOU A LETTER
FROM MY MOTHER.
- OH? FROM YOUR MOTHER?
- OR MY FATHER.
I FORGET WHICH,
THEY BOTH LOOK ALIKE.
- WINNIE, YOU DO
ME AN INJUSTICE.
WITH ALL THIS CHRISTMAS
SPIRIT IN THE WORLD, FORGET IT.
I'M FILLED WITH HOLIDAY CHEER!
- MAYNARD IS MOVING IN WITH US.
- I JUST GOT UNFILLED, MAYNARD!
- HIS FOLKS WOULD LIKE TO
KNOW IF WE CAN TAKE CARE OF HIM
WHILE THEY VISIT
RELATIVES IN CLEVELAND.
- SEE HOW THEY LOVE ME?
- THEY LOVE YOU?
- SURE.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
THEY EVER TOLD ME A NAME
OF A REAL PLACE.
ALWAYS BEFORE, THEY MADE
'EM UP SO I COULDN'T FIND 'EM.
AIN'T THAT HEARTWARMING?
- OH, THAT'S JUST WHAT
IT IS, HEARTWARMING.
BUT YOU AIN'T STAYING HERE, BOY.
- WELL, NAME ME ONE GOOD REASON.
- BECAUSE I COULDN'T STAND
TO SEE YOU AROUND THE HOUSE.
- NAME ME TWO GOOD REASONS.
- HERBERT, DEAR, BE GENEROUS.
WHAT WOULD BE SO TERRIBLE
ABOUT HAVING MAYNARD AROUND
WITH US FOR A FEW DAYS?
JOINING IN THE FAMILY FUN,
EATING WITH US, TALKING TO US
ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT?
MAYNARD, I'VE JUST
HAD A WONDERFUL IDEA.
WHY DON'T YOU GO TO
CLEVELAND WITH YOUR FOLKS?
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO
BEAT AROUND THE BUSH.
IF YOU DON'T WANT ME, JUST
COME RIGHT OUT AND SAY SO.
- WE DON'T WANT YOU.
- VERY WELL, I
SHALL KILL MYSELF.
- MAYNARD, STOP ACTING SILLY.
- OH, VERY WELL.
I SHALL HOLD MY BREATH
UNTIL I TURN PURPLE
AND THAT DON'T MATCH
MY GREEN COMPLEXION.
IT'S SICKENING.
- MAYNARD, DEAR, OF
COURSE WE WANT YOU WITH US
DURING THE HOLIDAYS.
- SURE, WE DO.
- YOU BET WE DO.
- LIKE HECK WE DO.
- NOW, HERBERT...
- DON'T NOW, HERBERT
ME. MY HEAD IS MADE UP.
MAYNARD MOVES INTO THIS
HOUSE OVER MY DEAD BODY.
MAYNARD!
- AM I DISTURBING YOU, MR. G.?
- NO!
I ALWAYS SLEEP BETTER
WITH A FOOT IN MY FACE!
- OOH, MY CHRISTMAS
STOCKING! LET'S SEE.
YEAH, THERE'S JUST
ABOUT ENOUGH ROOM
TO HANG IT HERE ON CHRISTMAS EVE
SO SANTA CAN FILL
IT WITH GOODIES!
- OH, GOODY, GOODY!
- THE FIREPLACE IS AWFUL SMALL.
I HOPE POOR SANTA CLAUS
CAN MAKE IT DOWN OKAY.
- MAYNARD, THIS SANTA CLAUS
THAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT,
HE'S THE ONE THAT COMES
DOWN PEOPLE'S CHIMNEYS?
- YEAH, IF THEY GOT A CHIMNEY.
IF THEY DON'T, HE FLIES
IN THROUGH THE WINDOW.
- I SWITCHED FROM SANTA
CLAUS TO GIRLS WHEN I WAS 12.
MAYNARD, HOW OLD ARE YOU?
- 11 OR 21. I FORGET.
- MAYNARD, YOU
WERE 21 LAST JULY.
- NO KIDDING? WHAT
AN AGE WE LIVE IN!
- TAKE ME! I'VE HEARD
EVERYTHING NOW!
I'M READY TO GO! TAKE ME!
- MAYNARD, THIS SANTA
CLAUS YOU BELIEVE IN,
HE'S THE REAL LIVE
ONE WITH THE RED SUIT
AND THE WHITE BEARD
AND THE BIG FAT STOMACH?
- YEP, OLD SANTA FLIES
ALL OVER THE WORLD
ON CHRISTMAS EVE IN
HIS SLED AND REINDEER
BRINGING PRESENTS TO LITTLE KIDS
UNREGARDLESS OF WHERE THEY ARE.
- OH, BROTHER.
- AND TO ADULTS TOO,
ALSO UNREGARDLESS.
DON'T WORRY, MRS. G.
HE'LL BRING YOU
WHATSOEVER YOU WANT.
- WELL, I HOPE
SOMEBODY BRINGS ME
A SHINY NEW AUTOMATIC WASHER
AND A SHINY NEW AUTOMATIC DRYER.
- SOMEBODY WILL BRING
YOU A SHINY NEW WASHBOARD
AND A CLOTHESLINE.
- OH, NO. SANTA WOULD
NEVER BE THAT MEAN.
HE'LL BRING EVERYBODY
EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT.
- EXACTLY WHAT I WANT
IS A NEW SPORTS JACKET.
- AND EXACTLY WHAT
YOUR SON DOBIE WANTS
IS A BRAND NEW PING-PONG TABLE.
- A PING-PONG TABLE, HUH?
EXACTLY WHAT I GET HIM IS...
- NOW, HERBERT.
- OH, YE OF LITTLE FAITH.
HOW YE SHALL TALK OUT OF
THE OTHER SIDE OF YE HEAD
WHEN YE SANTA BRINGS
EVERYTHING YE WANT.
- YE, YOU'RE A NUT.
- MAYNARD, DEAR, WE ALL BELIEVE
IN SANTA CLAUS JUST AS YOU DO.
WE BELIEVE IN HIM AS A SYMBOL,
AS A WARM, WONDERFUL EXAMPLE
OF GOODNESS AND KINDNESS
AND GOODWILL TO EVERYONE.
- SANTA BELIEVES
IN THEM THINGS TOO.
- LET ME TAKE A STAB AT
STRAIGHTENING THE BOY OUT.
MAYNARD, YOU'VE
SEEN THE SANTA CLAUS
IN ALL THE DEPARTMENT
STORES, HAVEN'T YOU?
- YOU BET! MY MOM
TAKES ME EVERY YEAR.
I SIT IN HIS LAP.
- OKAY, NOW IS HE THE
REAL SANTA CLAUS?
- SURELY YOU JOSH.
- HE'S JUST A MAN DRESSED
IN A SANTA CLAUS SUIT, RIGHT?
- RIGHT.
DIDN'T YOU KNOW
THAT? A KID YOUR AGE?
DUNKIE, THE MAN IN THE SUIT
IS ONE OF SANTA'S HELPERS.
I MEAN, SANTA HIMSELF
CAN'T BE EVERYWHERE,
SO SANTA'S HELPERS GIVE
THE KIDS LAPS TO SIT ON.
NEXT QUESTION?
- WHAT ABOUT ALL
THE SANTA CLAUSES
ON THE STREET CORNERS?
- THOSE FELLAS COME FROM THE
UNEMPLOYMENT INSURANCE OFFICE.
BUT DURING CHRISTMASTIME,
THEY'RE SANTA'S HELPERS TOO.
DON'T FORGET,
THERE'S AN AWFUL LOT
OF STREET CORNERS IN THIS
WORLD, PROBABLY MORE THAN 37.
- AND WHAT ABOUT ALL OF
THE SANTA CLAUSES ON MOVIES
AND TELEVISION?
- ACTORS PAID MONEY.
BUT DURING CHRISTMASTIME,
THEY HELP SANTA TOO.
- AND WHAT ABOUT THE
SANTA CLAUS AT SCHOOL
WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR
CHRISTMAS PARTY?
- THAT'S MR. MAGRUDER.
I MEAN, HE'S TERRIBLE,
MEAN AND ROTTEN,
BUT DURING CHRISTMASTIME,
HE WORKS WITH SANTA TOO.
ANY DUMBHEAD KNOWS
THAT. NO OFFENSE, MRS. G.
- THEN YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN
THE REAL SANTA CLAUS, TRUE?
- TRUE.
BUT THEN I NEVER SEEN THE
REAL MARSHAL DILLON NEITHER
AND I KNOW HE'S REAL.
OF COURSE, I'M NOT TOO
SURE ABOUT CHESTER.
SEE, MRS. G., WHEN SANTA
CLAUS COMES DOWN THE CHIMNEY
ON CHRISTMAS EVE,
ALL GOOD LITTLE GIRLS AND
BOYS LIKE ME ARE SOUND ASLEEP,
SO NATURALLY WE
NEVER GET TO SEE HIM.
- MAYNARD, YOU ARE 21 YEARS OLD!
- OR 11. I CAN LOOK IT UP.
- SPOOKY!
- ALL RIGHT, TROOPS! AT EASE!
KNOCK IT OFF!
IF MAYNARD WANTS TO
BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS,
LET HIM BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS!
IT'S A FREE COUNTRY!
- GOD BLESS AMERICA!
- AND LEAVE THE BOY ALONE!
- YEAH, LEAVE THE BOY ALONE!
- LEAVE THE KID ALONE!
SOUNDS EASY, DOESN'T IT?
BUT WHEN THE KID
IS MAYNARD G. KREBS
AND EVEN WITH THE
CHRISTMAS SPIRIT
AND ALL, YOU KNOW, IT'S
A PRETTY TOUGH THING
TO LEAVE HIM ALONE.
- AND I'LL LEAVE HIM ALONE
RIGHT AFTER I STRANGLE HIM!
- CALM DOWN, MR. GILLIS.
HE SAID THE PIPES FOR THE
NEW AUTOMATIC WASHER-DRYER
SHOULD BE PUT IN
IMMEDIATELY, BEFORE CHRISTMAS!
- BUT WHY DID YOU
LISTEN TO THE LUNKHEAD?
- HERE, NOW.
IS THAT A NICE WAY TO
TALK ABOUT YOUR SON?
- TALK ABOUT MY
SON! MY NAME IS GILLIS!
HIS NAME IS KREBS!
HOW CAN HE BE MY SON?
- HE SAID YOU MADE
HIM CHANGE HIS NAME
TO PROTECT YOUR REPUTATION.
- THAT IS THE FIRST THING HE
EVER SAID THAT MAKES SENSE!
- BUT NOBODY WOULD GIVE HIS WIFE
SUCH A BEAUTIFUL
CHRISTMAS PRESENT
EXCEPT A VERY GENEROUS MAN!
WELL, APPEARANCES ARE DECEIVING.
- NOW, JUST A DARN MINUTE!
- I CAN'T STAND AROUND
HERE TALKING TO YOU ALL DAY.
I GOTTA SEE ABOUT
THE JOB UPSTAIRS.
- THE JOB UPSTAIRS?
WHAT JOB UPSTAIRS?
HEY, JUST A MINUTE!
ARE YOU SURE THE GUY THAT
ORDERED THIS WAS MAYNARD?
DESCRIBE HIM!
- HIS DESCRIPTION IS IMPOSSIBLE.
- THAT'S MAYNARD!
STOP! HALT!
WHATEVER YOU
CRETINS ARE DOING, STOP!
HALT! CEASE! DESIST!
- WHAT, AND LEAVE
THE JOB HALF-FINISHED?
- WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE
DOING TO MY LIVING ROOM FLOOR?
- WELL, YOU GOTTA HAVE A LOT
OF LIGHT PLUS A CORK FLOOR
IF YOU'RE GONNA PLAY IT RIGHT!
- PLAY WHAT RIGHT?
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
- PING-PONG. ON THAT
FINE NEW PING-PONG TABLE
YOU BOUGHT FOR
YOUR OTHER SON, DOPIE.
- THAT'S DOBIE WITH A B, AND
I'LL PULVERIZE THAT MAYNARD!
- I KNOW YOU GOTTA
BE A BIG SPENDER.
PUTTING IN A PING-PONG TABLE
AND AN AUTOMATIC WASHER-DRYER?
BOY, APPEARANCES
REALLY ARE DECEIVING.
- GET RID OF THIS
STUFF, ALL OF IT.
NOW! NOW! NOW!
- OKAY, BUT IT'LL COST
YOU A BIG WAD OF DOUGH
FOR WHAT WE ALREADY DONE,
PLUS PUTTING THINGS
BACK LIKE IT WAS.
KREBS SAID TO HANG THE EXPENSE.
- YEAH.
WELL, AFTER I'VE HUNG
KREBS, HOW MUCH EXPENSE
AM I GONNA BE LEFT HANGING WITH?
- WELL, I QUOTED
HIM $250, BUT HE SAID
YOU WOULDN'T CONSIDER
IT FOR LESS THAN $300,
IT BEING THE HOLIDAY
SEASON AND ALL.
AND THERE'S $200
FOR THE DOWNSTAIRS.
- HELLO, BANKRUPTCY.
- I GOTTA HAND IT TO YOU, SIR.
YOU LOOK AWFUL MEAN AND ROTTEN,
BUT UNDERNEATH I GUESS
YOU'RE JUST A SWEET,
LOVABLE SANTA CLAUS.
- COME HERE!
- DAD, FORGET IT!
YOU COULD KILL
MAYNARD WITH THAT.
- YEAH!
- MAYNARD DIDN'T MEAN ANY HARM.
HE WAS JUST TRYING
TO HELP SANTA CLAUS.
- SURE PICKED A
MISERABLE WAY TO DO IT.
SOMEBODY OUGHT TO
STRAIGHTEN HIM OUT.
- YEAH.
- HITTING MAYNARD
WITH THAT WON'T DO IT.
- HOW DO WE KNOW TILL WE TRY?
- TALKING TO HIM
DIDN'T DO ANY GOOD.
WHAT WE NEED IS ACTION.
- YEAH.
- DAD, FORGET THE BAT, HUH?
YOU KNOW YOU'D
NEVER HIT MAYNARD.
- OH, I KNOW, BUT
LET ME DREAM, HUH?
- HOLD IT! I'VE
GOT A GREAT IDEA.
- SO HAVE I.
- NO, DAD, NO, NO. LISTEN.
MAYNARD TOLD US THAT SANTA
CLAUS SLIDES DOWN THE CHIMNEY
ON CHRISTMAS EVE, RIGHT?
- SO?
- BUT HE ADMITS HE'S NEVER
SEEN SANTA CLAUS, RIGHT?
- SO?
- IF HE EVER ACTUALLY
SAW SANTA CLAUS,
IT'D SHOCK HIM RIGHT SMACK
OUT OF HIS WITS, RIGHT?
- IT'S A SHORT SMACK,
BUT THAT I LIKE.
- YEAH. GET THIS.
MIDNIGHT, CHRISTMAS EVE,
MAYNARD'S SITTING
AT THE FIREPLACE
WAITING FOR SANTA CLAUS.
- VISIONS OF SUGARPLUMS
AND LIKE THAT DANCING
IN HIS TINY HEAD.
♪ DECK THE HALLS
WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY ♪
- EXACTLY,
AND THEN JOLLY OLD KRIS KRINGLE
HIMSELF SLIDES DOWN THE CHIMNEY.
- HOW'S THAT GONNA HAPPEN?
- WE DRESS UP SOMEBODY
TO LOOK LIKE SANTA CLAUS.
DUNKIE, MOOD MUSIC AGAIN.
- ♪ DECK THE HALLS
WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY ♪
- YEAH.
NOW MAYNARD JUMPS
UP ON SANTA'S LAP.
HE STARTS TELLING OLD KRIS
WHAT HE WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS
AND THEN AT THE PERFECT
PSYCHOLOGICAL MOMENT, BAM!
- I CLOBBER HIM WITH THE BAT.
- NO, DAD, NO.
SANTA CLAUS PULLS
OFF THE BEARD AND SAYS,
"LOOK, IT'S NOT
REALLY SANTA CLAUS.
IT'S ONLY HERBERT T. GILLIS."
- ONLY HERBERT T. GILLIS?
- WE SHOCK HIM TO HIS
SENSES. SEE, UNCLE HERBIE?
- NO, IT'S CRUEL.
- BUT VITAL.
- IT'S MEAN.
- BUT NECESSARY.
- IT IS VICIOUS AND ROTTEN,
AND IT MIGHT HAVE A
VERY HARMFUL EFFECT
ON THE BOY, AND
WHEN DO WE START?
- THAT'S THE WAY TO TALK, DAD.
NOW ALL WE HAVE TO
DO IS FIND SOMEBODY
TO DRESS UP LIKE SANTA CLAUS.
- YEAH.
IT'S GOTTA BE SOMEBODY
NOT TOO YOUNG, WRINKLES,
A BIG RED NOSE...
- ATTABOY, DAD. WE
KNEW YOU'D VOLUNTEER.
- GOOD OLD UNCLE HERBIE.
- WHAT'D I SAY? WHO? WHAT?
- SO WITH ONLY THREE
DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS,
I DRAGGED MAYNARD
OFF TO THE MOVIES
SO DAD COULD GO UP ON
THE ROOF AND REHEARSE
HIS BIG DRAMATIC
DEBUT AS SANTA CLAUS.
HO, HO, HO, HO, BOY.
- UNCLE HERBIE! MAYNARD
AND DOBIE ARE GONE!
THE COAST IS CLEAR!
- ALL RIGHT, STAND
BACK! HERE I COME!
- IT LOOKS AWFULLY NARROW, DEAR!
MAYBE YOU BETTER COME
THROUGH THE WINDOW!
- SANTA CLAUS COMES
DOWN THE CHIMNEY.
I'M SANTA CLAUS. I'M
COMING DOWN THE CHIMNEY!
NOW, LOOK OUT! GERONIMO!
- UNCLE HERBIE?
- I'M STUCK HALFWAY DOWN!
- TRY TO EXHALE, DEAR.
IT MAKES YOU THINNER!
- EXHALE? OKAY!
[SNEEZES]
- GESUNDHEIT, UNCLE HERBIE!
- EXHALE, HERBERT! YOU INHALED!
- HOW AM I GONNA EXHALE
WITHOUT I FIRST INHALE?
OKAY, I'LL TRY IT AGAIN.
[COUGHS]
HELP! HELP! I'M STUCK AGAIN!
- UNCLE HERBIE, IT WON'T DO
ANY GOOD TO KEEP KICKING.
- YOU JUST GET MAYNARD
WITHIN KICKING RANGE
AND IT'LL DO A LOT OF GOOD!
- UNCLE HERBIE?
- YEAH?
- ANYBODY EVER TELL
YOU YOU GOT NICE LEGS?
- DAD DOESN'T DO THINGS
BY HALFWAY MEASURES.
WHEN HE MAKES UP HIS MIND,
NOTHING STANDS IN HIS WAY.
SO WHEN HE FOUND HIMSELF
STUCK IN THE FIREPLACE,
HE TOOK BOLD, AGGRESSIVE ACTION.
- I DID IT, AND I'M GLAD.
- YOU'RE GLAD YOU'RE
HELPING MAYNARD?
HOW SWEET.
- HELPING, SCHMELPING.
I'M GLAD THEY GOT ME
OUT OF THAT OLD CHIMNEY,
AND NOW I GOT ONE THAT FITS.
OH, THAT MAYNARD
BETTER APPRECIATE THIS.
- IT'LL BE WONDERFUL
IF THIS SCHEME WORKS,
BUT WILL MAYNARD REALLY
BELIEVE HE'S SANTA CLAUS?
- WE GOT IT ALL WORKED OUT.
- HE'LL EVEN HEAR
SANTA'S REINDEER
AND THOSE SLEIGH
BELLS ON THE ROOF.
I GOT SOME SOUND EFFECT
RECORDS FROM SCHOOL.
I'LL PLAY 'EM FROM THE KITCHEN
AT EXACTLY THE RIGHT MOMENT.
WATCH.
- HEY, THIS SOUNDS LIKE HORSES.
- WHO KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE?
- WELL, MAYNARD
WON'T, THAT'S FOR SURE.
- YEAH. LISTEN.
- NEVER MIND THE BEAUTIFUL.
THE MAIN THING IS THAT
HE DOESN'T GET SMART
THAT IT'S A PHONY.
NOW LET'S GET THIS STRAIGHT.
I COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
AND MAYNARD SITS IN MY LAP
AND TELLS ME ALL THE THINGS
HE WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS.
AND WHEN HE'S FINISHED, BAM,
I SNATCH OFF THE
BEARD, HE SEES IT'S ME,
AND THE SHOCK JOLTS HIM
COMPLETELY OUT OF HIS WITS,
AND I COULD HAVE
GOT THE SAME EFFECT
WITH THE BASEBALL BAT!
- IT SHOULD JOLT HIM
INTO BECOMING A MATURE,
WELL-ADJUSTED HUMAN BEING.
- DO YOU REALLY THINK SO?
- NO, BUT IT'S WORTH A TRY.
- LOOK, AFTER ALL THE
DOUGH I SUNK IN THIS,
IF IT DOESN'T WORK,
I'LL KICK MAYNARD CLEAN
INTO NEXT CHRISTMAS.
- HERBERT, I DON'T SUPPOSE
I HAVE A PRAYER OF GETTING
THAT NEW AUTOMATIC WASHER?
- NOT A PRAYER. NO
WASHER AND DRYER.
- HERBERT, YOU ARE THE
TRUE SPIRIT OF YULETIDE!
- AND A GOOD NIGHT TO YOU
TOO, MISS MERRY CHRISTMAS.
- DAD, LET'S REHEARSE
YOUR ACT AGAIN.
- REHEARSE? WHO
NEEDS TO REHEARSE?
WITH MY LOVABLE PERSONALITY,
I'M THE PERFECT TYPE
FOR SANTA CLAUS.
LET'S REHEARSE.
- YEAH, LET'S REHEARSE.
- ALL RIGHT, SO I COME
DOWN THE CHIMNEY,
AND I LOOK AT MAYNARD
WITH A BIG FRIENDLY SMILE.
- HERE, YOU BETTER TRY THIS ON.
- TRY THIS, DAD. YOUR
SMILE IS NOT THE GREATEST.
- YEAH.
- PUT IT ON. MUCH
BETTER COVERED UP.
DAD, YOU'RE A
PERFECT SANTA CLAUS,
IF SANTA HAD SHIFTY EYES.
I GUESS WE'RE STUCK WITH HIM.
LET'S SEE IF YOU
CAN MAKE UP FOR IT
BY THE WAY YOU'RE
GONNA TALK TO MAYNARD.
- ALL RIGHT.
AFTER I SMILE ON HIM, I
TURN TO HIM AND I SAY,
"AND NOW, LITTLE MAN,
WHAT IS YOUR NAME, HMM?"
HOW'S THAT SOUND?
- LIKE A USED CAR SALESMAN.
DAD, LET'S REHEARSE
YOUR HO, HO, HO.
IT'S THE KEY TO THE WHOLE SCENE.
- HO, HO, HO, HO!
- DAD, SANTA CLAUS,
NOT YOGI BEAR.
- HO, HO, HO, HO!
- AGAIN.
- HO, HO, HO, HO!
- I THINK HE'S GOT IT.
- HO, HO, HO, HO!
- DAD, AGAIN.
- HO, HO, HO, HO!
- YOU'RE SANTA CLAUS, DAD.
- HO, HO, HO, HO!
- BIGGER, DAD, BIGGER!
- HA, HA, HA, HA!
- SANTA CLAUS SOUNDS!
- HA, HA, HA, HA! HA, HA, HA!
- AND SO IT WAS THAT
WE FINALLY ARRIVED
AT THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS.
AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE,
NOT A CREATURE WAS STIRRING,
EXCEPT MAYNARD G. KREBS.
- OH, FOR JOY, FOR JOY!
NOW I'M READY FOR
DEAR OLD SANTA CLAUS.
LIKE WOW! THIS FIREPLACE
IS A JAMES DANDY!
I BET IT COST LIKE ANYTHING!
- WHAT IT COST
WAS AN AUTOMATIC
WASHER AND DRYER!
- BOY, SANTA WILL HAVE NO
TROUBLE COMING THROUGH THERE.
- NOT NOW, HE WON'T.
- HEY, WHERE'S MR. G.? ISN'T
HE GONNA BE HERE TONIGHT?
- HE'LL BE RIGHT DOWN, DEAR.
I MEAN, RIGHT UP, RIGHT HERE.
- WELL, WISH HIM A MERRY FOR
ME BECAUSE I'M OFF TO BEDDY-BYE.
- MAYNARD, WHAT'S YOUR
HURRY? IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE!
- YEAH, I KNOW AND IT'S
ALMOST NEARLY MIDNIGHT
WHICH IS WHEN SANTA COMES,
AND HE WON'T IF I'M NOT
IN BED SOUND ASLEEP.
- THAT WAS ONLY WHEN YOU
WERE A LITTLE BOY, MAYNARD,
BUT YOU'RE NOT A
LITTLE BOY ANYMORE.
- I AIN'T A LITTLE GIRL.
- YOU'RE A GROWNUP BOY NOW.
THAT MEANS YOU CAN
WAIT UP FOR SANTA CLAUS.
- NO KIDDING, ARE YOU FELLAS
GONNA STAY UP AND WAIT FOR HIM?
- WE WOULDN'T MISS IT!
- YOU'VE GOTTA STAY UP, MAYNARD,
BECAUSE YOU'RE THE
ONE WHO CONVINCED US
ABOUT SANTA CLAUS.
- YES, I WAS QUITE
BRILLIANT, WASN'T I?
[CLOCK CHIMING]
- HEY, HERE WE GO!
WELL, WELL, THIS IS
HOW WE GET TO MIDNIGHT!
SANTA WILL HAVE SLEIGH
BELLS AND JINGLE BELLS!
WELL, WELL, WELL!
- I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF
SOME VERY STRANGE THINGS
WERE ABOUT TO HAPPEN.
YES, SIR, VERY STRANGE INDEED.
- DUNKIE, I'M AFRAID
TO MEET SANTA,
SO I THINK I'D BETTER
GO TO BED. LIKE, BYE.
- OH, NO!
NOT AFTER ALL THE
TROUBLE WE WENT TO!
- HUH?
- THERE'S NOTHING TO BE
AFRAID OF, MAYNARD, DEAR.
[HOOFBEATS]
- HARK! WHAT DO I HEAR?
WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?
- WHERE, WHERE, WHERE?
- FROM THE ROOF.
- SOUNDS MORE LIKE
FROM THE KITCHEN.
- THEY'RE GETTING
CLOSER! OH, WHAT CAN IT BE?
- YOU THINK IT IS? OH, IT'S
TOO MUCH TO HOPE FOR!
COULD IT BE? DO MY
EARS DECEIVE ME?
BY JOVE, IT IS!
- TELL ME ALREADY!
- SANTA'S SLEIGH BELLS!
- NO!
- MAYNARD! HOOVES!
REINDEER HOOVES!
YOU HEAR THAT,
MAYNARD? REINDEER!
- SOUNDS LIKE HORSES' HOOVES.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S SANTA CLAUS
CLOMPING HIS MERRY
WAY TO THE CHIMNEY.
YEAH, HE'S HERE,
MAYNARD, HE'S HERE!
- OH, MY!
- HO, HO, HO, HO!
- IT'S SANTA! IT'S HIM!
OH, DEAR. OH, DEAR. OH, DEAR.
- GOOD OLD ST. NICK, GOOD
OLD SURE-FOOTED ST. NICK.
- PAY HEED! THE CHIMNEY!
- OH, DEAR. OH, DEAR. OH, DEAR.
- YES, SIR, HERE HE
COMES, MAYNARD.
GOOD OLD SURE-FOOTED...
HE'S COMING,
MAYNARD. GOOD OLD...
- HO, HO, HO! OH!
HO!
OH, HO! HO, OH, HO!
OH, HO! HO, HO, HO, HO!
MERRY CHRISTMAS, HO, HO, HO, HO.
A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!
- COME ON, MAYNARD, AND
SAY HELLO TO SANTA CLAUS.
- LIKE, LIKE, LIKE...
- LIKE, HI?
- YEAH, LIKE HI.
- HO, HO, HO, HO!
AND NOW, LITTLE MAN,
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SIT
IN SANTA'S LAP?
- OH, YES!
- AND, LITTLE MAN,
WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
- DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE ME, SANTA?
- OH, YES! YOU'RE
MAYNARD G. KREBS!
- YEAH! HOW ABOUT THAT?
HE RECOGNIZED ME!
OH, FOR JOY, FOR JOY!
- HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD
LITTLE BOY THIS YEAR, MAYNARD?
- OH, VERY GOOD,
FOR ME, THAT IS.
- OH, WELL, THAT'S NICE.
AND NOW TELL SANTA WHAT
YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS.
HO, HO, HO, HO!
- HO, HO, HO, HO!
- ENOUGH OF THIS
FIDDLE-FADDLE! GET TO IT!
MY LEGS ARE GOING TO SLEEP
AND I GOT MY REINDEERS
DOUBLED-PARKED!
- REMEMBER, IT'S
FOR HIS OWN GOOD.
- YEAH, SURE, SURE.
- FIRST, I WANT A
PING-PONG TABLE FOR DOBIE.
HE'S THAT FELLOW OVER
THERE, THE ONE THAT'S FLABBY
AND HAS A WEAK CHIN.
I KNOW HE DON'T LOOK LIKE MUCH,
BUT HE'S MY GOOD AND BEST BUDDY
AND WHATEVER WILL MAKE HIM
HAPPY WILL MAKE ME HAPPY TOO.
THEN I WANT A BRAND NEW
SPORT JACKET FOR DUNKIE.
HE'S THE LITTLE ONE OVER
THERE WITH THE WEAK CHIN.
I KNOW HE DON'T
LOOK LIKE MUCH TOO,
BUT SOMEDAY HE'S GONNA GROW
UP TO BE JUST AS SWEET AND LOVABLE
AND FLABBY AS DOBIE.
- BUT WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOU?
- AN AUTOMATIC WASHER
AND AUTOMATIC DRYER.
- FOR YOU?
- NO, FOR MRS. G.
SHE NEEDS IT, SLOSHING
AROUND THEM SUDS
AND DIRTY WATER ALL
DAY, THE POOR OLD THING.
- ALL RIGHT.
I'VE GOT IT ALL NOW,
EXCEPT WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- A FISHING ROD.
- AHA! A FISHING ROD!
- FOR MR. G. YOU
KNOW HIM, DON'T YOU?
HE'S THAT LOUDMOUTH FELLA
WHO'S ALL THE TIME SCREAMING
AND HOLLERING, YOU KNOW?
- I KNOW HIM, I KNOW HIM.
- UNDERNEATH THAT MEAN
OUTSIDE IS A GOOD INSIDE.
AND MAYBE IF HE
HAD A FISHING ROD,
HE'D TAKE A COUPLE
DAYS OFF FROM WORK
AND THEN HE WOULDN'T
BE SO MEAN NO MORE.
- YOU KNOW, MAYBE YOU
GOT A POINT THERE, MAYNARD.
BUT WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- OH, NOTHING, SIR. I'M
ONE OF THEM LUCKY FELLAS.
I GOT EVERYTHING I WANT.
I GOT THE BIGGEST
BALL OF TINFOIL IN TOWN,
I GOT A PETRIFIED FROG
AND I GOT A STUFFED OWL
ALL PAID FOR AND CLEAR.
I ALSO GOT THE BEST FRIENDS
IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD
OR ANYPLACE ELSE.
SO YOU CAN SKIP
ME THIS YEAR, SANTA.
I MEAN, BUT YOU'RE
TRUE BLUE FOR ASKING.
- MAYNARD!
I'M GONNA TELL YOU
SOMETHING FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!
- YES, SANTA?
YES, YES, YES, YES?
- GOOD NIGHT, MAYNARD.
- OH, GOOD NIGHT, SANTA.
- AND A MERRY CHRISTMAS
AND A HO, HO, HO...
[CRYING]
- SAME TO YOU, SANTA,
WITH SUGAR ON IT.
HO, HO, HO, HO!
- OKAY, SAY IT. I CHICKENED OUT.
- YOU CHICKENED OUT!
- IT'S THAT LOWDOWN MAYNARD!
I TRY TO DO SOMETHING
EDUCATIONAL FOR HIM,
AND HE GOES SOFT AND SLOPPY
ON ME, THE LOWDOWN INGRATE!
- THAT'S WHAT HE IS, AN INGRATE!
- LOWDOWN!
- YEAH, WELL, LET'S GO IN
THERE AND STRAIGHTEN HIM OUT
RIGHT NOW!
- RIGHT!
- AND MY IGUANA AND MY TURTLE.
- SHH!
OH, FOR JOY, FOR JOY!
SANTA CAME IN TO
TUCK ME IN PERSONALLY!
OH, FOR JOY, FOR
JOY, FOR JOY, FOR JOY!
OH, SANTA, YOU'RE ALL HEART
EXCEPT FOR THE PART
OF YOU THAT'S TUMMY!
- NOW, I WANNA TELL
YOU SOMETHING, BOY.
YOU'RE GONNA GET EVERYTHING
THAT WAS ON YOUR CHRISTMAS LIST,
THE SPORT JACKET,
THE PING-PONG TABLE,
THE AUTOMATIC WASHER-DRYER,
NO MATTER WHAT IT COSTS
AND THAT AIN'T AS EASY FOR
ME TO SAY AS YOU MIGHT THINK.
- TAKE THE GUMDROP AND
DON'T FORGET THE FISHING ROD
FOR POOR OLD
FOUL-TEMPERED MR. G.
- OKAY, AND THE FISHING ROD TOO.
- OH, THIS IS GONNA BE
A REAL NICE CHRISTMAS.
- THE BEST EVER, MAYNARD.
- OH, GOOD NIGHT, MRS. G.
GOOD NIGHT, DUNKIE
G. GOOD NIGHT, DOBE G.
- GOOD NIGHT, MAYNARD.
- AND A GOOD NIGHT
TO YOU TOO, MR. G.
- HO, HO, HO... HUH?
- WELL, YOU'RE A
GREAT AMERICAN, MR. G.
I MEAN, IT WAS SWELL OF YOU
TO PRETEND YOU WERE SANTA.
- MAYNARD, YOU KNEW?
- SURE.
BUT IF IT MADE MR. G. FEEL
GOOD PRETENDING HE WAS SANTA,
I WOULDN'T WANNA SPOIL IT.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE
ONE IN A MILLION.
- OR EVEN LESS.
YOU AIN'T SANTA, MR. G.,
BUT THAT DON'T MEAN
THERE'S NO SANTA, DOES IT?
DOES IT?
- NOPE, IT SURE DON'T,
MAYNARD. NOPE, IT SURE DON'T.
WELL, COME ON. LET'S
LEAVE THE BOY GO TO SLEEP.
I WANT YOU ALL TO COME
INTO THE LIVING ROOM WITH ME
AND TAKE TURNS ON ME
WITH THAT BASEBALL BAT.
- WELL, GOOD NIGHT, MAYNARD,
AND MERRY CHRISTMAS.
- HAPPY LANDINGS!
GROWNUPS, WHAT DO THEY KNOW?
- WELL, THANKS TO MAYNARD,
IT TURNED OUT TO BE
A PRETTY FINE
CHRISTMAS AFTER ALL
FOR SOME MORE OR LESS
UNDESERVING PEOPLE.
♪ DECK THE HALLS
WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY ♪
♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ OH, 'TIS THE
SEASON TO BE JOLLY ♪
♪ TRA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
OH, YOU GAVE ME A FIGHT!
- YOU SEE, IT WAS A
MERRY CHRISTMAS
ALL AROUND, ALMOST.
THERE WAS STILL THAT QUESTION
ABOUT WHY MOM HAD BLOOD
IN HER EYE WHEN SHE SAID...
- CHRISTMAS? BAH! HUMBUG!
- I'LL GIVE YOU THE ANSWER
IN TWO SIMPLE WORDS, MON-EY.
I MEAN, DAD DECIDED HE HAD
TO MAKE UP FOR ALL THE LOOT
THAT NOT VERY CHEAP
HOLIDAY COST HIM.
SO WHAT DID HE DO?
- LOVELY, LOVELY,
COME ONE, COME ALL!
[LAUGHS]
OH, YEAH. THANK YOU.
STEP RIGHT UP, LADIES.
THERE'S ROOM FOR ONE AND
ALL INSIDE THE KITCHEN HERE!
IT'S 20 CENTS A WASH
AND 10 CENTS A DRY.
AND FOR THOSE OF YOU
WHO'LL HAVE TO WAIT,
I'LL TELL WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
- CHRISTMAS! BAH! HUMBUG!
A FEW DAYS AWAY.
CAROLERS ARE CAROLING,
SANTA CLAUSES
ARE SANTA CLAUSING,
AND THE YULETIDE
SPIRIT'S BURNING BRIGHTLY
IN THE CLOSE-KNIT GILLIS FAMILY.
OBSERVE HOW MY
CLOSE-KNIT FATHER FEELS IT.
♪ DECK THE HALLS
WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY ♪
♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
- LOOK HOW MY KID
COUSIN DUNKIE FEELS IT.
♪ 'TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY ♪
♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
- AND, OF COURSE,
MY MOTHER FEELS
THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT
MORE THAN ANYONE.
- CHRISTMAS? BAH! HUMBUG!
[JAZZ THEME]
- WHEN MY MOTHER EXPRESSED
HER OPINION OF CHRISTMAS
A MINUTE AGO,
SHE WAS, SHALL
WE SAY, IRRITATED?
- CHRISTMAS! BAH! HUMBUG!
- WE SHALL SAY IRRITATED.
ALSO MAD, ANGRY,
FURIOUS AND IRKED.
WHY?
WHY WAS MY LOVABLE MOM
SO GROUCHY CHRISTMAS-WISE?
IT'S VERY ODD
BECAUSE WHEN THE HOLIDAY
SEASON STARTED THIS YEAR,
SHE WAS HAPPY AS A LARK.
- AND I WANT TO SING
LIKE A NIGHTINGALE!
♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
HOW'S THAT FOR KNOCKING
OUT A LITTLE CHRISTMAS CHEER,
HUH, KIDDO?
- MERRY CHRISTMAS, AUNT WINNIE!
AND SEEING YOU'RE
IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD,
DO YOU MIND IF I HAVE A
COUPLE OF BUCKS FOR TONIGHT?
- MERRY CHRISTMAS
TO YOU, DUNCAN,
AND I'M NOT IN THAT GOOD A MOOD.
- WHY NOT? THE
HOLIDAY SEASON IS HERE.
- SO IS YOUR UNCLE HERBERT.
DOES THAT ANSWER YOUR QUESTION?
- IT DOES, AND I GIVE UP.
- GANGWAY FOR HERBERT T.
GILLIS, FULL OF CHRISTMAS CHEER
AND LOVE OF HIS FELLOW MAN.
AND, DUNCAN, YOU BETTER
KEEP YOUR PAWS OFF
THAT CASH REGISTER
OR YOU ARE GONNA
WIND UP WITH A FISTFUL
OF STUBBY FINGERS.
- UNCLE HERBIE,
THAT IS POSITIVELY
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
TREE I EVER SAW...
- DON'T TRY TO
SOFT-SOAP ME, BOY.
I'M UP TO YOUR
SLEAZY TRICKS AND...
HEY, I AM KIND OF
ARTISTIC, AIN'T I?
- IT'S LOVELY,
DEAR, AND SO HUGE.
IT MUST HAVE COST A FORTUNE.
- WELL, WINNIE-POO, YOU
HAPPEN TO BE MARRIED
TO HERBERT T. GILLIS,
ONE OF THE LARGE OF
THE LARGE TYPE SPENDERS.
- YOU'RE WONDERFUL, DEAR.
- WITH A HEART AS
BIG AS ALL OUTDOORS.
- WELL...
- MR. GENEROUS.
- WHAT DELIVERY
TRUCK DID IT FALL OFF?
- BRUNDIDGE'S DEPARTMENT STORE
AND YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE WAY
I HAD TO FIGHT THOSE KIDS...
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT,
HERBERT, DEAR.
IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.
- NO, IT AIN'T. IT'S THE MONEY.
- YOU DON'T MEAN THAT.
- NO, I GUESS I DON'T.
BOY, I'M FULL OF THAT
CHRISTMAS SPIRIT
RIGHT UP TO HERE.
I'M IN LOVE WITH EVERYBODY
IN THE WHOLE WORLD,
HUMAN, INHUMAN OR
ANYBODY IN BETWEEN!
- YOU RANG?
- HI, MAYNARD. MERRY CHRISTMAS.
- ENOUGH OF THIS
POLITE GIBBLE-GABBLE.
WHERE'S MY PRESENT?
- CHRISTMAS ISN'T
TILL NEXT WEEK.
I'M AFRAID YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT.
- WHO WANTS TO
BE AFRAID. I'LL WAIT.
IN THE MEANTIME, LET US
TAKE A YULETIDE BANANA BREAK.
OH, YEAH.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL. JEERS!
- MAYNARD, DEAR, THAT'S CHEERS.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL
US WHY YOU'RE HERE
BEFORE MR. GILLIS
FORGETS THAT HE'S FILLED
WITH HOLIDAY CHEER?
- I BRUNG YOU A LETTER
FROM MY MOTHER.
- OH? FROM YOUR MOTHER?
- OR MY FATHER.
I FORGET WHICH,
THEY BOTH LOOK ALIKE.
- WINNIE, YOU DO
ME AN INJUSTICE.
WITH ALL THIS CHRISTMAS
SPIRIT IN THE WORLD, FORGET IT.
I'M FILLED WITH HOLIDAY CHEER!
- MAYNARD IS MOVING IN WITH US.
- I JUST GOT UNFILLED, MAYNARD!
- HIS FOLKS WOULD LIKE TO
KNOW IF WE CAN TAKE CARE OF HIM
WHILE THEY VISIT
RELATIVES IN CLEVELAND.
- SEE HOW THEY LOVE ME?
- THEY LOVE YOU?
- SURE.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
THEY EVER TOLD ME A NAME
OF A REAL PLACE.
ALWAYS BEFORE, THEY MADE
'EM UP SO I COULDN'T FIND 'EM.
AIN'T THAT HEARTWARMING?
- OH, THAT'S JUST WHAT
IT IS, HEARTWARMING.
BUT YOU AIN'T STAYING HERE, BOY.
- WELL, NAME ME ONE GOOD REASON.
- BECAUSE I COULDN'T STAND
TO SEE YOU AROUND THE HOUSE.
- NAME ME TWO GOOD REASONS.
- HERBERT, DEAR, BE GENEROUS.
WHAT WOULD BE SO TERRIBLE
ABOUT HAVING MAYNARD AROUND
WITH US FOR A FEW DAYS?
JOINING IN THE FAMILY FUN,
EATING WITH US, TALKING TO US
ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT?
MAYNARD, I'VE JUST
HAD A WONDERFUL IDEA.
WHY DON'T YOU GO TO
CLEVELAND WITH YOUR FOLKS?
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO
BEAT AROUND THE BUSH.
IF YOU DON'T WANT ME, JUST
COME RIGHT OUT AND SAY SO.
- WE DON'T WANT YOU.
- VERY WELL, I
SHALL KILL MYSELF.
- MAYNARD, STOP ACTING SILLY.
- OH, VERY WELL.
I SHALL HOLD MY BREATH
UNTIL I TURN PURPLE
AND THAT DON'T MATCH
MY GREEN COMPLEXION.
IT'S SICKENING.
- MAYNARD, DEAR, OF
COURSE WE WANT YOU WITH US
DURING THE HOLIDAYS.
- SURE, WE DO.
- YOU BET WE DO.
- LIKE HECK WE DO.
- NOW, HERBERT...
- DON'T NOW, HERBERT
ME. MY HEAD IS MADE UP.
MAYNARD MOVES INTO THIS
HOUSE OVER MY DEAD BODY.
MAYNARD!
- AM I DISTURBING YOU, MR. G.?
- NO!
I ALWAYS SLEEP BETTER
WITH A FOOT IN MY FACE!
- OOH, MY CHRISTMAS
STOCKING! LET'S SEE.
YEAH, THERE'S JUST
ABOUT ENOUGH ROOM
TO HANG IT HERE ON CHRISTMAS EVE
SO SANTA CAN FILL
IT WITH GOODIES!
- OH, GOODY, GOODY!
- THE FIREPLACE IS AWFUL SMALL.
I HOPE POOR SANTA CLAUS
CAN MAKE IT DOWN OKAY.
- MAYNARD, THIS SANTA CLAUS
THAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT,
HE'S THE ONE THAT COMES
DOWN PEOPLE'S CHIMNEYS?
- YEAH, IF THEY GOT A CHIMNEY.
IF THEY DON'T, HE FLIES
IN THROUGH THE WINDOW.
- I SWITCHED FROM SANTA
CLAUS TO GIRLS WHEN I WAS 12.
MAYNARD, HOW OLD ARE YOU?
- 11 OR 21. I FORGET.
- MAYNARD, YOU
WERE 21 LAST JULY.
- NO KIDDING? WHAT
AN AGE WE LIVE IN!
- TAKE ME! I'VE HEARD
EVERYTHING NOW!
I'M READY TO GO! TAKE ME!
- MAYNARD, THIS SANTA
CLAUS YOU BELIEVE IN,
HE'S THE REAL LIVE
ONE WITH THE RED SUIT
AND THE WHITE BEARD
AND THE BIG FAT STOMACH?
- YEP, OLD SANTA FLIES
ALL OVER THE WORLD
ON CHRISTMAS EVE IN
HIS SLED AND REINDEER
BRINGING PRESENTS TO LITTLE KIDS
UNREGARDLESS OF WHERE THEY ARE.
- OH, BROTHER.
- AND TO ADULTS TOO,
ALSO UNREGARDLESS.
DON'T WORRY, MRS. G.
HE'LL BRING YOU
WHATSOEVER YOU WANT.
- WELL, I HOPE
SOMEBODY BRINGS ME
A SHINY NEW AUTOMATIC WASHER
AND A SHINY NEW AUTOMATIC DRYER.
- SOMEBODY WILL BRING
YOU A SHINY NEW WASHBOARD
AND A CLOTHESLINE.
- OH, NO. SANTA WOULD
NEVER BE THAT MEAN.
HE'LL BRING EVERYBODY
EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT.
- EXACTLY WHAT I WANT
IS A NEW SPORTS JACKET.
- AND EXACTLY WHAT
YOUR SON DOBIE WANTS
IS A BRAND NEW PING-PONG TABLE.
- A PING-PONG TABLE, HUH?
EXACTLY WHAT I GET HIM IS...
- NOW, HERBERT.
- OH, YE OF LITTLE FAITH.
HOW YE SHALL TALK OUT OF
THE OTHER SIDE OF YE HEAD
WHEN YE SANTA BRINGS
EVERYTHING YE WANT.
- YE, YOU'RE A NUT.
- MAYNARD, DEAR, WE ALL BELIEVE
IN SANTA CLAUS JUST AS YOU DO.
WE BELIEVE IN HIM AS A SYMBOL,
AS A WARM, WONDERFUL EXAMPLE
OF GOODNESS AND KINDNESS
AND GOODWILL TO EVERYONE.
- SANTA BELIEVES
IN THEM THINGS TOO.
- LET ME TAKE A STAB AT
STRAIGHTENING THE BOY OUT.
MAYNARD, YOU'VE
SEEN THE SANTA CLAUS
IN ALL THE DEPARTMENT
STORES, HAVEN'T YOU?
- YOU BET! MY MOM
TAKES ME EVERY YEAR.
I SIT IN HIS LAP.
- OKAY, NOW IS HE THE
REAL SANTA CLAUS?
- SURELY YOU JOSH.
- HE'S JUST A MAN DRESSED
IN A SANTA CLAUS SUIT, RIGHT?
- RIGHT.
DIDN'T YOU KNOW
THAT? A KID YOUR AGE?
DUNKIE, THE MAN IN THE SUIT
IS ONE OF SANTA'S HELPERS.
I MEAN, SANTA HIMSELF
CAN'T BE EVERYWHERE,
SO SANTA'S HELPERS GIVE
THE KIDS LAPS TO SIT ON.
NEXT QUESTION?
- WHAT ABOUT ALL
THE SANTA CLAUSES
ON THE STREET CORNERS?
- THOSE FELLAS COME FROM THE
UNEMPLOYMENT INSURANCE OFFICE.
BUT DURING CHRISTMASTIME,
THEY'RE SANTA'S HELPERS TOO.
DON'T FORGET,
THERE'S AN AWFUL LOT
OF STREET CORNERS IN THIS
WORLD, PROBABLY MORE THAN 37.
- AND WHAT ABOUT ALL OF
THE SANTA CLAUSES ON MOVIES
AND TELEVISION?
- ACTORS PAID MONEY.
BUT DURING CHRISTMASTIME,
THEY HELP SANTA TOO.
- AND WHAT ABOUT THE
SANTA CLAUS AT SCHOOL
WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR
CHRISTMAS PARTY?
- THAT'S MR. MAGRUDER.
I MEAN, HE'S TERRIBLE,
MEAN AND ROTTEN,
BUT DURING CHRISTMASTIME,
HE WORKS WITH SANTA TOO.
ANY DUMBHEAD KNOWS
THAT. NO OFFENSE, MRS. G.
- THEN YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN
THE REAL SANTA CLAUS, TRUE?
- TRUE.
BUT THEN I NEVER SEEN THE
REAL MARSHAL DILLON NEITHER
AND I KNOW HE'S REAL.
OF COURSE, I'M NOT TOO
SURE ABOUT CHESTER.
SEE, MRS. G., WHEN SANTA
CLAUS COMES DOWN THE CHIMNEY
ON CHRISTMAS EVE,
ALL GOOD LITTLE GIRLS AND
BOYS LIKE ME ARE SOUND ASLEEP,
SO NATURALLY WE
NEVER GET TO SEE HIM.
- MAYNARD, YOU ARE 21 YEARS OLD!
- OR 11. I CAN LOOK IT UP.
- SPOOKY!
- ALL RIGHT, TROOPS! AT EASE!
KNOCK IT OFF!
IF MAYNARD WANTS TO
BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS,
LET HIM BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS!
IT'S A FREE COUNTRY!
- GOD BLESS AMERICA!
- AND LEAVE THE BOY ALONE!
- YEAH, LEAVE THE BOY ALONE!
- LEAVE THE KID ALONE!
SOUNDS EASY, DOESN'T IT?
BUT WHEN THE KID
IS MAYNARD G. KREBS
AND EVEN WITH THE
CHRISTMAS SPIRIT
AND ALL, YOU KNOW, IT'S
A PRETTY TOUGH THING
TO LEAVE HIM ALONE.
- AND I'LL LEAVE HIM ALONE
RIGHT AFTER I STRANGLE HIM!
- CALM DOWN, MR. GILLIS.
HE SAID THE PIPES FOR THE
NEW AUTOMATIC WASHER-DRYER
SHOULD BE PUT IN
IMMEDIATELY, BEFORE CHRISTMAS!
- BUT WHY DID YOU
LISTEN TO THE LUNKHEAD?
- HERE, NOW.
IS THAT A NICE WAY TO
TALK ABOUT YOUR SON?
- TALK ABOUT MY
SON! MY NAME IS GILLIS!
HIS NAME IS KREBS!
HOW CAN HE BE MY SON?
- HE SAID YOU MADE
HIM CHANGE HIS NAME
TO PROTECT YOUR REPUTATION.
- THAT IS THE FIRST THING HE
EVER SAID THAT MAKES SENSE!
- BUT NOBODY WOULD GIVE HIS WIFE
SUCH A BEAUTIFUL
CHRISTMAS PRESENT
EXCEPT A VERY GENEROUS MAN!
WELL, APPEARANCES ARE DECEIVING.
- NOW, JUST A DARN MINUTE!
- I CAN'T STAND AROUND
HERE TALKING TO YOU ALL DAY.
I GOTTA SEE ABOUT
THE JOB UPSTAIRS.
- THE JOB UPSTAIRS?
WHAT JOB UPSTAIRS?
HEY, JUST A MINUTE!
ARE YOU SURE THE GUY THAT
ORDERED THIS WAS MAYNARD?
DESCRIBE HIM!
- HIS DESCRIPTION IS IMPOSSIBLE.
- THAT'S MAYNARD!
STOP! HALT!
WHATEVER YOU
CRETINS ARE DOING, STOP!
HALT! CEASE! DESIST!
- WHAT, AND LEAVE
THE JOB HALF-FINISHED?
- WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE
DOING TO MY LIVING ROOM FLOOR?
- WELL, YOU GOTTA HAVE A LOT
OF LIGHT PLUS A CORK FLOOR
IF YOU'RE GONNA PLAY IT RIGHT!
- PLAY WHAT RIGHT?
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
- PING-PONG. ON THAT
FINE NEW PING-PONG TABLE
YOU BOUGHT FOR
YOUR OTHER SON, DOPIE.
- THAT'S DOBIE WITH A B, AND
I'LL PULVERIZE THAT MAYNARD!
- I KNOW YOU GOTTA
BE A BIG SPENDER.
PUTTING IN A PING-PONG TABLE
AND AN AUTOMATIC WASHER-DRYER?
BOY, APPEARANCES
REALLY ARE DECEIVING.
- GET RID OF THIS
STUFF, ALL OF IT.
NOW! NOW! NOW!
- OKAY, BUT IT'LL COST
YOU A BIG WAD OF DOUGH
FOR WHAT WE ALREADY DONE,
PLUS PUTTING THINGS
BACK LIKE IT WAS.
KREBS SAID TO HANG THE EXPENSE.
- YEAH.
WELL, AFTER I'VE HUNG
KREBS, HOW MUCH EXPENSE
AM I GONNA BE LEFT HANGING WITH?
- WELL, I QUOTED
HIM $250, BUT HE SAID
YOU WOULDN'T CONSIDER
IT FOR LESS THAN $300,
IT BEING THE HOLIDAY
SEASON AND ALL.
AND THERE'S $200
FOR THE DOWNSTAIRS.
- HELLO, BANKRUPTCY.
- I GOTTA HAND IT TO YOU, SIR.
YOU LOOK AWFUL MEAN AND ROTTEN,
BUT UNDERNEATH I GUESS
YOU'RE JUST A SWEET,
LOVABLE SANTA CLAUS.
- COME HERE!
- DAD, FORGET IT!
YOU COULD KILL
MAYNARD WITH THAT.
- YEAH!
- MAYNARD DIDN'T MEAN ANY HARM.
HE WAS JUST TRYING
TO HELP SANTA CLAUS.
- SURE PICKED A
MISERABLE WAY TO DO IT.
SOMEBODY OUGHT TO
STRAIGHTEN HIM OUT.
- YEAH.
- HITTING MAYNARD
WITH THAT WON'T DO IT.
- HOW DO WE KNOW TILL WE TRY?
- TALKING TO HIM
DIDN'T DO ANY GOOD.
WHAT WE NEED IS ACTION.
- YEAH.
- DAD, FORGET THE BAT, HUH?
YOU KNOW YOU'D
NEVER HIT MAYNARD.
- OH, I KNOW, BUT
LET ME DREAM, HUH?
- HOLD IT! I'VE
GOT A GREAT IDEA.
- SO HAVE I.
- NO, DAD, NO, NO. LISTEN.
MAYNARD TOLD US THAT SANTA
CLAUS SLIDES DOWN THE CHIMNEY
ON CHRISTMAS EVE, RIGHT?
- SO?
- BUT HE ADMITS HE'S NEVER
SEEN SANTA CLAUS, RIGHT?
- SO?
- IF HE EVER ACTUALLY
SAW SANTA CLAUS,
IT'D SHOCK HIM RIGHT SMACK
OUT OF HIS WITS, RIGHT?
- IT'S A SHORT SMACK,
BUT THAT I LIKE.
- YEAH. GET THIS.
MIDNIGHT, CHRISTMAS EVE,
MAYNARD'S SITTING
AT THE FIREPLACE
WAITING FOR SANTA CLAUS.
- VISIONS OF SUGARPLUMS
AND LIKE THAT DANCING
IN HIS TINY HEAD.
♪ DECK THE HALLS
WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY ♪
- EXACTLY,
AND THEN JOLLY OLD KRIS KRINGLE
HIMSELF SLIDES DOWN THE CHIMNEY.
- HOW'S THAT GONNA HAPPEN?
- WE DRESS UP SOMEBODY
TO LOOK LIKE SANTA CLAUS.
DUNKIE, MOOD MUSIC AGAIN.
- ♪ DECK THE HALLS
WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY ♪
- YEAH.
NOW MAYNARD JUMPS
UP ON SANTA'S LAP.
HE STARTS TELLING OLD KRIS
WHAT HE WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS
AND THEN AT THE PERFECT
PSYCHOLOGICAL MOMENT, BAM!
- I CLOBBER HIM WITH THE BAT.
- NO, DAD, NO.
SANTA CLAUS PULLS
OFF THE BEARD AND SAYS,
"LOOK, IT'S NOT
REALLY SANTA CLAUS.
IT'S ONLY HERBERT T. GILLIS."
- ONLY HERBERT T. GILLIS?
- WE SHOCK HIM TO HIS
SENSES. SEE, UNCLE HERBIE?
- NO, IT'S CRUEL.
- BUT VITAL.
- IT'S MEAN.
- BUT NECESSARY.
- IT IS VICIOUS AND ROTTEN,
AND IT MIGHT HAVE A
VERY HARMFUL EFFECT
ON THE BOY, AND
WHEN DO WE START?
- THAT'S THE WAY TO TALK, DAD.
NOW ALL WE HAVE TO
DO IS FIND SOMEBODY
TO DRESS UP LIKE SANTA CLAUS.
- YEAH.
IT'S GOTTA BE SOMEBODY
NOT TOO YOUNG, WRINKLES,
A BIG RED NOSE...
- ATTABOY, DAD. WE
KNEW YOU'D VOLUNTEER.
- GOOD OLD UNCLE HERBIE.
- WHAT'D I SAY? WHO? WHAT?
- SO WITH ONLY THREE
DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS,
I DRAGGED MAYNARD
OFF TO THE MOVIES
SO DAD COULD GO UP ON
THE ROOF AND REHEARSE
HIS BIG DRAMATIC
DEBUT AS SANTA CLAUS.
HO, HO, HO, HO, BOY.
- UNCLE HERBIE! MAYNARD
AND DOBIE ARE GONE!
THE COAST IS CLEAR!
- ALL RIGHT, STAND
BACK! HERE I COME!
- IT LOOKS AWFULLY NARROW, DEAR!
MAYBE YOU BETTER COME
THROUGH THE WINDOW!
- SANTA CLAUS COMES
DOWN THE CHIMNEY.
I'M SANTA CLAUS. I'M
COMING DOWN THE CHIMNEY!
NOW, LOOK OUT! GERONIMO!
- UNCLE HERBIE?
- I'M STUCK HALFWAY DOWN!
- TRY TO EXHALE, DEAR.
IT MAKES YOU THINNER!
- EXHALE? OKAY!
[SNEEZES]
- GESUNDHEIT, UNCLE HERBIE!
- EXHALE, HERBERT! YOU INHALED!
- HOW AM I GONNA EXHALE
WITHOUT I FIRST INHALE?
OKAY, I'LL TRY IT AGAIN.
[COUGHS]
HELP! HELP! I'M STUCK AGAIN!
- UNCLE HERBIE, IT WON'T DO
ANY GOOD TO KEEP KICKING.
- YOU JUST GET MAYNARD
WITHIN KICKING RANGE
AND IT'LL DO A LOT OF GOOD!
- UNCLE HERBIE?
- YEAH?
- ANYBODY EVER TELL
YOU YOU GOT NICE LEGS?
- DAD DOESN'T DO THINGS
BY HALFWAY MEASURES.
WHEN HE MAKES UP HIS MIND,
NOTHING STANDS IN HIS WAY.
SO WHEN HE FOUND HIMSELF
STUCK IN THE FIREPLACE,
HE TOOK BOLD, AGGRESSIVE ACTION.
- I DID IT, AND I'M GLAD.
- YOU'RE GLAD YOU'RE
HELPING MAYNARD?
HOW SWEET.
- HELPING, SCHMELPING.
I'M GLAD THEY GOT ME
OUT OF THAT OLD CHIMNEY,
AND NOW I GOT ONE THAT FITS.
OH, THAT MAYNARD
BETTER APPRECIATE THIS.
- IT'LL BE WONDERFUL
IF THIS SCHEME WORKS,
BUT WILL MAYNARD REALLY
BELIEVE HE'S SANTA CLAUS?
- WE GOT IT ALL WORKED OUT.
- HE'LL EVEN HEAR
SANTA'S REINDEER
AND THOSE SLEIGH
BELLS ON THE ROOF.
I GOT SOME SOUND EFFECT
RECORDS FROM SCHOOL.
I'LL PLAY 'EM FROM THE KITCHEN
AT EXACTLY THE RIGHT MOMENT.
WATCH.
- HEY, THIS SOUNDS LIKE HORSES.
- WHO KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE?
- WELL, MAYNARD
WON'T, THAT'S FOR SURE.
- YEAH. LISTEN.
- NEVER MIND THE BEAUTIFUL.
THE MAIN THING IS THAT
HE DOESN'T GET SMART
THAT IT'S A PHONY.
NOW LET'S GET THIS STRAIGHT.
I COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
AND MAYNARD SITS IN MY LAP
AND TELLS ME ALL THE THINGS
HE WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS.
AND WHEN HE'S FINISHED, BAM,
I SNATCH OFF THE
BEARD, HE SEES IT'S ME,
AND THE SHOCK JOLTS HIM
COMPLETELY OUT OF HIS WITS,
AND I COULD HAVE
GOT THE SAME EFFECT
WITH THE BASEBALL BAT!
- IT SHOULD JOLT HIM
INTO BECOMING A MATURE,
WELL-ADJUSTED HUMAN BEING.
- DO YOU REALLY THINK SO?
- NO, BUT IT'S WORTH A TRY.
- LOOK, AFTER ALL THE
DOUGH I SUNK IN THIS,
IF IT DOESN'T WORK,
I'LL KICK MAYNARD CLEAN
INTO NEXT CHRISTMAS.
- HERBERT, I DON'T SUPPOSE
I HAVE A PRAYER OF GETTING
THAT NEW AUTOMATIC WASHER?
- NOT A PRAYER. NO
WASHER AND DRYER.
- HERBERT, YOU ARE THE
TRUE SPIRIT OF YULETIDE!
- AND A GOOD NIGHT TO YOU
TOO, MISS MERRY CHRISTMAS.
- DAD, LET'S REHEARSE
YOUR ACT AGAIN.
- REHEARSE? WHO
NEEDS TO REHEARSE?
WITH MY LOVABLE PERSONALITY,
I'M THE PERFECT TYPE
FOR SANTA CLAUS.
LET'S REHEARSE.
- YEAH, LET'S REHEARSE.
- ALL RIGHT, SO I COME
DOWN THE CHIMNEY,
AND I LOOK AT MAYNARD
WITH A BIG FRIENDLY SMILE.
- HERE, YOU BETTER TRY THIS ON.
- TRY THIS, DAD. YOUR
SMILE IS NOT THE GREATEST.
- YEAH.
- PUT IT ON. MUCH
BETTER COVERED UP.
DAD, YOU'RE A
PERFECT SANTA CLAUS,
IF SANTA HAD SHIFTY EYES.
I GUESS WE'RE STUCK WITH HIM.
LET'S SEE IF YOU
CAN MAKE UP FOR IT
BY THE WAY YOU'RE
GONNA TALK TO MAYNARD.
- ALL RIGHT.
AFTER I SMILE ON HIM, I
TURN TO HIM AND I SAY,
"AND NOW, LITTLE MAN,
WHAT IS YOUR NAME, HMM?"
HOW'S THAT SOUND?
- LIKE A USED CAR SALESMAN.
DAD, LET'S REHEARSE
YOUR HO, HO, HO.
IT'S THE KEY TO THE WHOLE SCENE.
- HO, HO, HO, HO!
- DAD, SANTA CLAUS,
NOT YOGI BEAR.
- HO, HO, HO, HO!
- AGAIN.
- HO, HO, HO, HO!
- I THINK HE'S GOT IT.
- HO, HO, HO, HO!
- DAD, AGAIN.
- HO, HO, HO, HO!
- YOU'RE SANTA CLAUS, DAD.
- HO, HO, HO, HO!
- BIGGER, DAD, BIGGER!
- HA, HA, HA, HA!
- SANTA CLAUS SOUNDS!
- HA, HA, HA, HA! HA, HA, HA!
- AND SO IT WAS THAT
WE FINALLY ARRIVED
AT THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS.
AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE,
NOT A CREATURE WAS STIRRING,
EXCEPT MAYNARD G. KREBS.
- OH, FOR JOY, FOR JOY!
NOW I'M READY FOR
DEAR OLD SANTA CLAUS.
LIKE WOW! THIS FIREPLACE
IS A JAMES DANDY!
I BET IT COST LIKE ANYTHING!
- WHAT IT COST
WAS AN AUTOMATIC
WASHER AND DRYER!
- BOY, SANTA WILL HAVE NO
TROUBLE COMING THROUGH THERE.
- NOT NOW, HE WON'T.
- HEY, WHERE'S MR. G.? ISN'T
HE GONNA BE HERE TONIGHT?
- HE'LL BE RIGHT DOWN, DEAR.
I MEAN, RIGHT UP, RIGHT HERE.
- WELL, WISH HIM A MERRY FOR
ME BECAUSE I'M OFF TO BEDDY-BYE.
- MAYNARD, WHAT'S YOUR
HURRY? IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE!
- YEAH, I KNOW AND IT'S
ALMOST NEARLY MIDNIGHT
WHICH IS WHEN SANTA COMES,
AND HE WON'T IF I'M NOT
IN BED SOUND ASLEEP.
- THAT WAS ONLY WHEN YOU
WERE A LITTLE BOY, MAYNARD,
BUT YOU'RE NOT A
LITTLE BOY ANYMORE.
- I AIN'T A LITTLE GIRL.
- YOU'RE A GROWNUP BOY NOW.
THAT MEANS YOU CAN
WAIT UP FOR SANTA CLAUS.
- NO KIDDING, ARE YOU FELLAS
GONNA STAY UP AND WAIT FOR HIM?
- WE WOULDN'T MISS IT!
- YOU'VE GOTTA STAY UP, MAYNARD,
BECAUSE YOU'RE THE
ONE WHO CONVINCED US
ABOUT SANTA CLAUS.
- YES, I WAS QUITE
BRILLIANT, WASN'T I?
[CLOCK CHIMING]
- HEY, HERE WE GO!
WELL, WELL, THIS IS
HOW WE GET TO MIDNIGHT!
SANTA WILL HAVE SLEIGH
BELLS AND JINGLE BELLS!
WELL, WELL, WELL!
- I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF
SOME VERY STRANGE THINGS
WERE ABOUT TO HAPPEN.
YES, SIR, VERY STRANGE INDEED.
- DUNKIE, I'M AFRAID
TO MEET SANTA,
SO I THINK I'D BETTER
GO TO BED. LIKE, BYE.
- OH, NO!
NOT AFTER ALL THE
TROUBLE WE WENT TO!
- HUH?
- THERE'S NOTHING TO BE
AFRAID OF, MAYNARD, DEAR.
[HOOFBEATS]
- HARK! WHAT DO I HEAR?
WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?
- WHERE, WHERE, WHERE?
- FROM THE ROOF.
- SOUNDS MORE LIKE
FROM THE KITCHEN.
- THEY'RE GETTING
CLOSER! OH, WHAT CAN IT BE?
- YOU THINK IT IS? OH, IT'S
TOO MUCH TO HOPE FOR!
COULD IT BE? DO MY
EARS DECEIVE ME?
BY JOVE, IT IS!
- TELL ME ALREADY!
- SANTA'S SLEIGH BELLS!
- NO!
- MAYNARD! HOOVES!
REINDEER HOOVES!
YOU HEAR THAT,
MAYNARD? REINDEER!
- SOUNDS LIKE HORSES' HOOVES.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S SANTA CLAUS
CLOMPING HIS MERRY
WAY TO THE CHIMNEY.
YEAH, HE'S HERE,
MAYNARD, HE'S HERE!
- OH, MY!
- HO, HO, HO, HO!
- IT'S SANTA! IT'S HIM!
OH, DEAR. OH, DEAR. OH, DEAR.
- GOOD OLD ST. NICK, GOOD
OLD SURE-FOOTED ST. NICK.
- PAY HEED! THE CHIMNEY!
- OH, DEAR. OH, DEAR. OH, DEAR.
- YES, SIR, HERE HE
COMES, MAYNARD.
GOOD OLD SURE-FOOTED...
HE'S COMING,
MAYNARD. GOOD OLD...
- HO, HO, HO! OH!
HO!
OH, HO! HO, OH, HO!
OH, HO! HO, HO, HO, HO!
MERRY CHRISTMAS, HO, HO, HO, HO.
A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!
- COME ON, MAYNARD, AND
SAY HELLO TO SANTA CLAUS.
- LIKE, LIKE, LIKE...
- LIKE, HI?
- YEAH, LIKE HI.
- HO, HO, HO, HO!
AND NOW, LITTLE MAN,
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SIT
IN SANTA'S LAP?
- OH, YES!
- AND, LITTLE MAN,
WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
- DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE ME, SANTA?
- OH, YES! YOU'RE
MAYNARD G. KREBS!
- YEAH! HOW ABOUT THAT?
HE RECOGNIZED ME!
OH, FOR JOY, FOR JOY!
- HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD
LITTLE BOY THIS YEAR, MAYNARD?
- OH, VERY GOOD,
FOR ME, THAT IS.
- OH, WELL, THAT'S NICE.
AND NOW TELL SANTA WHAT
YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS.
HO, HO, HO, HO!
- HO, HO, HO, HO!
- ENOUGH OF THIS
FIDDLE-FADDLE! GET TO IT!
MY LEGS ARE GOING TO SLEEP
AND I GOT MY REINDEERS
DOUBLED-PARKED!
- REMEMBER, IT'S
FOR HIS OWN GOOD.
- YEAH, SURE, SURE.
- FIRST, I WANT A
PING-PONG TABLE FOR DOBIE.
HE'S THAT FELLOW OVER
THERE, THE ONE THAT'S FLABBY
AND HAS A WEAK CHIN.
I KNOW HE DON'T LOOK LIKE MUCH,
BUT HE'S MY GOOD AND BEST BUDDY
AND WHATEVER WILL MAKE HIM
HAPPY WILL MAKE ME HAPPY TOO.
THEN I WANT A BRAND NEW
SPORT JACKET FOR DUNKIE.
HE'S THE LITTLE ONE OVER
THERE WITH THE WEAK CHIN.
I KNOW HE DON'T
LOOK LIKE MUCH TOO,
BUT SOMEDAY HE'S GONNA GROW
UP TO BE JUST AS SWEET AND LOVABLE
AND FLABBY AS DOBIE.
- BUT WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOU?
- AN AUTOMATIC WASHER
AND AUTOMATIC DRYER.
- FOR YOU?
- NO, FOR MRS. G.
SHE NEEDS IT, SLOSHING
AROUND THEM SUDS
AND DIRTY WATER ALL
DAY, THE POOR OLD THING.
- ALL RIGHT.
I'VE GOT IT ALL NOW,
EXCEPT WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- A FISHING ROD.
- AHA! A FISHING ROD!
- FOR MR. G. YOU
KNOW HIM, DON'T YOU?
HE'S THAT LOUDMOUTH FELLA
WHO'S ALL THE TIME SCREAMING
AND HOLLERING, YOU KNOW?
- I KNOW HIM, I KNOW HIM.
- UNDERNEATH THAT MEAN
OUTSIDE IS A GOOD INSIDE.
AND MAYBE IF HE
HAD A FISHING ROD,
HE'D TAKE A COUPLE
DAYS OFF FROM WORK
AND THEN HE WOULDN'T
BE SO MEAN NO MORE.
- YOU KNOW, MAYBE YOU
GOT A POINT THERE, MAYNARD.
BUT WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- OH, NOTHING, SIR. I'M
ONE OF THEM LUCKY FELLAS.
I GOT EVERYTHING I WANT.
I GOT THE BIGGEST
BALL OF TINFOIL IN TOWN,
I GOT A PETRIFIED FROG
AND I GOT A STUFFED OWL
ALL PAID FOR AND CLEAR.
I ALSO GOT THE BEST FRIENDS
IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD
OR ANYPLACE ELSE.
SO YOU CAN SKIP
ME THIS YEAR, SANTA.
I MEAN, BUT YOU'RE
TRUE BLUE FOR ASKING.
- MAYNARD!
I'M GONNA TELL YOU
SOMETHING FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!
- YES, SANTA?
YES, YES, YES, YES?
- GOOD NIGHT, MAYNARD.
- OH, GOOD NIGHT, SANTA.
- AND A MERRY CHRISTMAS
AND A HO, HO, HO...
[CRYING]
- SAME TO YOU, SANTA,
WITH SUGAR ON IT.
HO, HO, HO, HO!
- OKAY, SAY IT. I CHICKENED OUT.
- YOU CHICKENED OUT!
- IT'S THAT LOWDOWN MAYNARD!
I TRY TO DO SOMETHING
EDUCATIONAL FOR HIM,
AND HE GOES SOFT AND SLOPPY
ON ME, THE LOWDOWN INGRATE!
- THAT'S WHAT HE IS, AN INGRATE!
- LOWDOWN!
- YEAH, WELL, LET'S GO IN
THERE AND STRAIGHTEN HIM OUT
RIGHT NOW!
- RIGHT!
- AND MY IGUANA AND MY TURTLE.
- SHH!
OH, FOR JOY, FOR JOY!
SANTA CAME IN TO
TUCK ME IN PERSONALLY!
OH, FOR JOY, FOR
JOY, FOR JOY, FOR JOY!
OH, SANTA, YOU'RE ALL HEART
EXCEPT FOR THE PART
OF YOU THAT'S TUMMY!
- NOW, I WANNA TELL
YOU SOMETHING, BOY.
YOU'RE GONNA GET EVERYTHING
THAT WAS ON YOUR CHRISTMAS LIST,
THE SPORT JACKET,
THE PING-PONG TABLE,
THE AUTOMATIC WASHER-DRYER,
NO MATTER WHAT IT COSTS
AND THAT AIN'T AS EASY FOR
ME TO SAY AS YOU MIGHT THINK.
- TAKE THE GUMDROP AND
DON'T FORGET THE FISHING ROD
FOR POOR OLD
FOUL-TEMPERED MR. G.
- OKAY, AND THE FISHING ROD TOO.
- OH, THIS IS GONNA BE
A REAL NICE CHRISTMAS.
- THE BEST EVER, MAYNARD.
- OH, GOOD NIGHT, MRS. G.
GOOD NIGHT, DUNKIE
G. GOOD NIGHT, DOBE G.
- GOOD NIGHT, MAYNARD.
- AND A GOOD NIGHT
TO YOU TOO, MR. G.
- HO, HO, HO... HUH?
- WELL, YOU'RE A
GREAT AMERICAN, MR. G.
I MEAN, IT WAS SWELL OF YOU
TO PRETEND YOU WERE SANTA.
- MAYNARD, YOU KNEW?
- SURE.
BUT IF IT MADE MR. G. FEEL
GOOD PRETENDING HE WAS SANTA,
I WOULDN'T WANNA SPOIL IT.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE
ONE IN A MILLION.
- OR EVEN LESS.
YOU AIN'T SANTA, MR. G.,
BUT THAT DON'T MEAN
THERE'S NO SANTA, DOES IT?
DOES IT?
- NOPE, IT SURE DON'T,
MAYNARD. NOPE, IT SURE DON'T.
WELL, COME ON. LET'S
LEAVE THE BOY GO TO SLEEP.
I WANT YOU ALL TO COME
INTO THE LIVING ROOM WITH ME
AND TAKE TURNS ON ME
WITH THAT BASEBALL BAT.
- WELL, GOOD NIGHT, MAYNARD,
AND MERRY CHRISTMAS.
- HAPPY LANDINGS!
GROWNUPS, WHAT DO THEY KNOW?
- WELL, THANKS TO MAYNARD,
IT TURNED OUT TO BE
A PRETTY FINE
CHRISTMAS AFTER ALL
FOR SOME MORE OR LESS
UNDESERVING PEOPLE.
♪ DECK THE HALLS
WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY ♪
♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ OH, 'TIS THE
SEASON TO BE JOLLY ♪
♪ TRA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
OH, YOU GAVE ME A FIGHT!
- YOU SEE, IT WAS A
MERRY CHRISTMAS
ALL AROUND, ALMOST.
THERE WAS STILL THAT QUESTION
ABOUT WHY MOM HAD BLOOD
IN HER EYE WHEN SHE SAID...
- CHRISTMAS? BAH! HUMBUG!
- I'LL GIVE YOU THE ANSWER
IN TWO SIMPLE WORDS, MON-EY.
I MEAN, DAD DECIDED HE HAD
TO MAKE UP FOR ALL THE LOOT
THAT NOT VERY CHEAP
HOLIDAY COST HIM.
SO WHAT DID HE DO?
- LOVELY, LOVELY,
COME ONE, COME ALL!
[LAUGHS]
OH, YEAH. THANK YOU.
STEP RIGHT UP, LADIES.
THERE'S ROOM FOR ONE AND
ALL INSIDE THE KITCHEN HERE!
IT'S 20 CENTS A WASH
AND 10 CENTS A DRY.
AND FOR THOSE OF YOU
WHO'LL HAVE TO WAIT,
I'LL TELL WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
- CHRISTMAS! BAH! HUMBUG!