The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 4, Episode 12 - Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Gillis - full transcript

- IN THIS JAR, WE HAVE
THE BRAIN OF A MONSTER,

A MURDEROUS CRIMINAL PSYCHOPATH.

AND HERE WE HAVE
THE BRAIN OF A GENIUS,

ONE OF THE MOST BRILLIANT
MINDS OF THE CENTURY.

NOTICE THE TWO BRAINS
ARE VIRTUALLY IDENTICAL.

I DEFY ANYONE TO POINT OUT
THE SLIGHTEST DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN THEM.

- UH, SIR? SIR?

- VERY WELL, MR. GILLIS.

HOW CAN YOU TELL
THESE TWO BRAINS APART?

- SIR, THE GENIUS BRAIN IS
IN AN OLD MAYONNAISE JAR



AND THE CRIMINAL BRAIN
IS IN AN OLD PICKLE JAR.

- THANK YOU, MR. GILLIS.

REMIND ME TO INVITE
YOU TO OUR NEXT AUTOPSY,

PREFERABLY AS A SUBJECT.

IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN
CONSIDERED IMPOSSIBLE

TO DISTINGUISH ONE TYPE OF
BRAIN FROM ANOTHER UNTIL NOW.

OH, YES, I HAVE DISCOVERED
WITH MY CUSTOMARY KEEN INSIGHT

THAT THERE IS ONE DIFFERENCE.

THE ABNORMAL BRAIN
CONTAINS A TYPICAL COMPOUND

CALLED LYCANTHROPIC
ACID OR LYC-13,

AND THE NORMAL BRAIN DOES NOT.

THIS LYC-13 ACTS AS A
BOOSTER FUEL FOR THE MIND

AND MAKES IT MOVE
AND WORK FASTER.

- HEY, I GET IT, INSTANT BRAIN.



- YES, IN A SENSE, MR. GILLIS.

I HAVE DEVELOPED A METHOD
OF MANUFACTURING LYC-13

RIGHT HERE IN THE LABORATORY.

A HOME BREW, SO TO SPEAK.

MISS BROWNLEE,

IF YOU WILL BRING ME
ONE OF THOSE GUINEA PIGS,

I SHALL DEMONSTRATE THE
EFFECT OF MY WONDER CHEMICAL

ON ONE OF NATURE'S MOST STUPID,
BACKWARD, DULL-WITTED CREATURES.

- YOU RANG?

[JAZZ THEME]

- I'M THE LAST FELLA IN THE
WORLD TO KNOCK SCIENCE,

BUT WHEN THOSE SCIENTISTS
START MESSING AROUND

WITH PEOPLE'S
HEADS, I GET SCARED.

I MEAN, LOOK WHAT HAPPENED
TO FRANKENSTEIN AND DRACULA

AND TO FRED C. DOBBS.

AHA! YOU NEVER HEARD
ABOUT HIM, DID YOU?

WELL, THAT'S
BECAUSE HE WAS SMART

AND WOULDN'T LET ANYBODY
FOOL AROUND WITH HIS BRAIN.

NOW, WHERE WAS I?

OH, YES, YES, YES,

AND WHAT ABOUT
DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE?

LOOK WHAT HAPPENED
WHEN DR. JEKYLL

DRANK UP ALL THE
BUBBLY STUFF IN A GLASS

AND TURNED INTO A MONSTER.

- MMM, YUMMY.

- MAYNARD, YOU'RE NOT A
MONSTER, AND GIVE ME THAT.

- MAN, JUST THINK OF
THE LATE, LATE SHOW,

MR. TICKLE AND DR. CLYDE.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S
DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE,

AND PROFESSOR
DARTMOOR ISN'T INTERESTED

IN OLD MOVIES ON TELEVISION.

- FIRST, I SHALL DEMONSTRATE
HOW HOPELESSLY STUPID

THIS CREATURE
BEHAVES WITHOUT LYC-13.

EACH TIME HE MAKES A WRONG TURN

IN HIS EFFORTS TO
REACH THE LETTUCE

AT THE END OF THE MAZE,

HE WILL RUN INTO A WALL
AND SET OFF THIS ALARM.

[ALARM BUZZES]

WHEN HE FINALLY
REACHES THE LETTUCE

AT THE END OF THE MAZE,
HE SHALL SET OFF THIS SIGNAL.

[BELL RINGS]

OH, HOPELESS ONE,
RUN FOR YOUR DINNER.

[ALARM BUZZES]

[BUZZ]

THERE'S NO POINT IN
ALLOWING HIM TO CONTINUE.

AS YOU CAN SEE,
HE'LL NEVER MAKE IT

UNLESS I FEED HIM THE
PROPER DOSAGE OF LYC-13.

NOW, I GIVE HIM ONE
MICRO MILLIGRAM

OF MY WONDER CHEMICAL AND...

OH, OBSERVE HOW IT IS
TAKING EFFECT ALREADY.

HIS EYES ARE BEGINNING TO CROSS.

WHENEVER LYC-13 TAKES HOLD,

THAT'S ALWAYS
THE FIRST REACTION.

[BELL RINGS]

THIS BRINGS US TO AN
INTERESTING QUESTION.

WHY DON'T WE FEED
THIS AMAZING PRODUCT

TO HUMAN BEINGS, YOU ASK?

- NOT ME! I DIDN'T ASK NOTHIN'.

DID YOU, DOBE?
- NOT ME.

- LYC-13 CANNOT BE
GIVEN TO HUMAN BEINGS,

BECAUSE IT IS ALSO FOUND
IN THE BRAINS OF FIENDS,

ECCENTRICS AND
DANGEROUS CRIMINALS.

THE RIGHT AMOUNT CAN TURN
AN AVERAGE BRAIN INTO A GENIUS,

BUT A WRONG DOSE CAN
CHANGE HIM INTO A MONSTER.

[CLASS BELL RINGS]

- AH. THANK HEAVENS. IT'S TIME

FOR THOSE TWO GLORIOUS
WORDS THAT FILL MY DAY WITH JOY:

CLASS DISMISSED.

- I'M SORRY, BUT TODAY
WE JUST CAN'T EAT LUNCH.

- WE GOTTA EAT IT. IT'S
TOO LUMPY TO DRINK.

- MAYNARD, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

GLORIA WILL BE FINISHED
IN THE LAB ANY MINUTE NOW

AND THREE'S A CROWD.

- WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
IF WE MOVE FAST,

WE CAN BLOW THIS PLACE
BEFORE SHE EVEN FINDS US.

- MAYNARD.
- OKAY, OKAY.

I DIG WHY YOU'RE DUMPING ME,

BUT WHY IS A GOOD-LOOKING
CHICK LIKE HER

HOOKED ON A LOSER LIKE YOU?

- LOSER? IT JUST SO HAPPENS

THAT SHE'S APE FOR FELLAS
WITH WAVY BROWN HAIR LIKE MINE.

- OOH, WATCH IT, DOBE, WATCH IT.

YOU COULD LOSE HER TO
ANY FRIENDLY GRIZZLY BEAR.

- HI, CURLY LOCKS.

- SEE WHAT I MEAN?
AH, GLORIA, MY ANGEL.

- MAYNARD, DOESN'T DOBIE
HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL HAIR

YOU EVER SAW?
- LIKE TRUE,

AND YOU BETTER ENJOY
IT WHILE YOU GOT IT,

SKINHEAD.
- SKINHEAD?

- OH, YEAH, THEM GILLISES
BALD UP AT AN EARLY AGE.

IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY.
- MAYNARD, GO HOME.

IT'S TIME FOR CARTOON CARNIVAL.

- I WALKED IN ON 'EM
ONCE AND I THOUGHT

I WAS AT A YUL
BRYNNER CONVENTION.

- MAYNARD, ENOUGH.
- DOBIE, IS THIS TRUE?

- OF COURSE NOT. HE'S
JUST TRYING TO BE CUTE.

- I DON'T HAVE TO TRY TO BE
CUTE. IT COMES TO ME NATURALLY.

- DOBIE, I REFUSE TO
GET SERIOUS ABOUT A BOY

WHO'S LIABLE TO LOOK
LIKE A PING-PONG BALL

BY THE TIME WE'RE 30,

SO WE'RE GOING TO GO TAKE
A GOOD LOOK AT YOUR FATHER.

- GLORIA, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
- WE'LL SEE. COME ON.

- MAYNARD, IT'S A GOOD THING
WE'RE FRIENDS OR I'D HATE YOU.

- MR. KREBS, I HAVE BEEN
LOOKING EVERYWHERE FOR YOU.

- YOU SHOULD'VE ASKED ME
WHERE I WAS, YOUR DEANSHIP.

I KNEW WHERE I
BEEN EVERY MINUTE.

- KREBS, I HAVE A
MOST SERIOUS PROBLEM

TO DISCUSS WITH YOU,
YOUR STANDING AS A STUDENT.

- LIKE, UH-OH.
- FORGIVE ME FOR BEING SO BLUNT,

BUT APPARENTLY YOU
DON'T BELONG HERE AT ALL.

YOU WERE ADMITTED INTO
THIS COLLEGE BY MISTAKE.

YOU SEE, YOUR HIGH SCHOOL
RECORDS WERE MISPLACED

AND I DID NOT SEE THEM
UNTIL THIS MORNING,

AND MR. KREBS,
THEY ARE ATROCIOUS,

ABOMINABLE AND DISGRACEFUL.

- YOU DON'T HAVE TO
BEAT AROUND THE BUSH.

IF YOU THINK MY GRADES
AIN'T SO HOT, JUST SAY SO.

- THEY AIN'T SO HOT.
- THEY AIN'T?

- MR. KREBS, IF YOU ARE
TO REMAIN IN THIS COLLEGE,

YOU WILL HAVE TO TAKE A
COMPREHENSIVE EXAMINATION.

- LIKE UH-OH.
- AND IF YOU FAIL TO PASS,

WE SHALL BE FORCED TO
RETURN YOU TO THE CLASS

FOR WHICH YOU ARE
MENTALLY EQUIPPED.

- OH, NO, NOT BACK
TO HIGH SCHOOL.

- HIGH SCHOOL, NOTHING.

THIRD GRADE.

COME TO MY OFFICE
FOR EXAMINATION

AT 2:00 SHARP.
- 2:00?

THAT'S WHEN MICKEY'S
LITTLE HAND'S ON THE 2

AND HIS BIG HAND'S
ON THE 12, TRUE?

- TRUE, MR. KREBS, TRUE.
AND GOOD LUCK TO YOU.

YOU'LL NEED IT.

BOY, WILL YOU NEED IT.

- HMM, A LADY BARBER.

SORRY, MISS, BUT I GET
MY HAIR CUT AT SCARPETA'S.

NOW, THERE'S A BARBER.

- NO, DAD. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

YOU SEE, GLORIA AND
I ARE, WELL, AN ITEM

AND SHE WANTS TO MAKE SURE

BALDNESS DOESN'T
RUN IN OUR FAMILY.

- WELL, YOU GOT NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT, MISS.

WHY, I GOT MORE HAIR ON
MY HEAD THAN ANY MAN MY AGE

IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

- WELL...
- HOW OLD DO YOU THINK I AM?

- I'D RATHER NOT MAKE
A GUESS, MR. GILLIS.

- OH, DON'T BE
BASHFUL. GO AHEAD.

- 53.
- 46. AND YOU'RE RIGHT,

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE MADE A GUESS.

- FOLLICLES LOOK HEALTHY.

- WHERE DID YOU MEET THIS NUT?

IN A CHICKEN-FLICKING FACTORY?
- DAD.

- EVERYTHING SEEMS
TO BE SATISFACTORY.

NOW IF I COULD
JUST SEE MRS. GILLIS.

- OH, I SHALL CALL HER FOR YOU.

BALDIE!

- EVERYBODY'S A COMIC.

- HEY, DOBE. HEY, DOBE.
YOU GOTTA HELP ME.

I GOTTA LEARN
EVERYTHING IN THESE BOOKS

AND WE BETTER GET
STARTED RIGHT NOW

'CAUSE I ONLY GOT
A HALF AN HOUR.

- MAYNARD, I'D DO ANYTHING
IN THE WORLD FOR YOU.

I'D CLIMB THE HIGHEST MOUNTAIN,
I'D SWIM THE DEEPEST RIVER.

- YOU'RE GONNA DUMP THE CHICK.
- NO.

- GOOD BUDDY, THIS
IS THE SERIOUS THING

THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
IF THEY KICK ME OUT OF SCHOOL,

YOU AND ME WON'T BE
GOOD BUDDIES NO MORE.

I MEAN, RIGHT NOW I'M WHAT
THEY CALL A LOVABLE ECCENTRIC,

I MEAN, WITH THIS BEARD
AND SNEAKERS AND LIKE THAT,

BUT IF THEY PUT ME BACK IN
SCHOOL WITH THEM LITTLE KIDS,

EVERYBODY WILL LAUGH AT
ME AND I COULDN'T STAND THAT.

- MAYNARD, I WISH
I COULD HELP YOU,

BUT THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO.

- DON'T LET THEM BREAK UP
OUR BUDDYSHIP, GOOD BUDDY.

I MEAN, IT'S BEEN ME
FOR YOU AND YOU FOR ME

AND TEA FOR TWO AND TWO FOR TEA

AND LIKE THAT EVER SINCE
WE'RE LITTLE TINY BABIES.

I MEAN, LIKE, LOOK.

- MAYNARD, I'M... I'M
GETTING PRETTY MISTY,

AND MAYNARD, MAYNARD, I'D DO
ANYTHING IN THE WORLD FOR YOU.

I'D CLIMB THE HIGHEST
MOUNTAIN, I'D SWIM...

- YOU'RE GONNA DUMP THE CHICK.
- NO.

- THANKS. THANKS A LOT.

- MAYNARD, I'M SORRY,
BUT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE

FOR ANYBODY TO
LEARN ALL THAT STUFF

IN SUCH A SHORT TIME
EXCEPT MAYBE A GENIUS.

- A GENIUS.

YEAH, A GENIUS, THAT'S IT.

I'LL BECOME A GENIUS.

- YOU? A GENIUS?

- A GENIUS? YOU, KREBS?

WHY, GIVING YOU A SHOT OF LYC-13

TO MAKE YOU
BRILLIANT IS RIDICULOUS.

IT'S INSANE. [SCOFFS]

IT'S SHEER MADNESS.

- ENOUGH FLATTERY.
ARE YOU GONNA DO IT?

- ABSOLUTELY NOT, AND BESIDES,
WHEN THE LYC-13 WEARS OFF,

IT'S LIKELY TO LEAVE THE
SUBJECT EVEN STUPIDER

THAN HE WAS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

- THEN I'LL DRINK MORE OF
IT. AW, COME ON, PLEASE?

- KREBS, CEASE. THE
MATTER IS CLOSED.

I MUST FEED THE ANIMALS.

- SAY, THAT'S PRETTY CRUEL,

LOCKING ALL THESE
BEASTIES UP IN CAGES.

- THERE'S NO PLACE FOR
SENTIMENT IN SCIENCE.

THE INFERIOR CREATURE
INVARIABLY ENDS UP IN A CAGE,

PRESENT COMPANY EXCEPTED.
- LIKEWISE, I'M SURE.

- NO OFFENSE, KREBS,

BUT I'M PUTTING THIS
VALUABLE PREPARATION

WHERE IT WILL BE SAFE
FROM BUSY LITTLE HANDS.

- NAMELY MINE?
- NAMELY YOURS.

IT ISN'T THAT I DOUBT
YOUR HONESTY, KREBS.

IT'S SIMPLY THAT YOU
LOOK LIKE A CROOK TO ME.

WELL, CHEERIO, LAD.

AND IF YOU SHOULD EVER DECIDE

TO LEAVE YOUR BRAIN
TO SCIENCE, HA HA HA,

DON'T.

FORGET IT. TA-TA.

- TO DRINK OR NOT TO
DRINK, THAT IS THE QUESTION.

[CHIME CHIME]

2:00, TIME FOR THE TEST,

AND I'M TOO OLD FOR
SANDPILE AND BEAD-STRINGING,

AND WHAT AM I WAITING FOR?

[QUACKING]

HARK. IF MY EARS
DO NOT DECEIVE ME,

THAT IS AN AQUATIC BIPED
OF THE FAMILY ANATIDAE,

THE GENUS ANAI
COMMONLY CHARACTERIZED

BY MULTICOLORED EPIDERMITY.

- DEAN HOLLISTER, I HOPE
IT WON'T TAKE US LONG

TO KNOCK OFF THIS FELLOW, DREGS.

- I ASSURE YOU,
PROFESSOR NASTINGTON,

THE WHOLE THING WILL
BE OVER WITHIN A HURRY,

AND HIS NAME IS KREBS.

- KREBS. DREGS. CRAGS. I
DON'T CARE HOW YOU SPELL IT.

HE'S STILL A WRETCHED, USELESS,
BROKEN-DOWN WASTE OF TIME.

- CAN IT BE THAT A
PERSON OR PERSONS

WITHIN THIS ROOM HAVE
PEALED, TONED, CHIMED,

OR OTHERWISE TINTINNABULATED
A RESONANT SOUNDING DEVICE

IN ORDER TO BECKON
SOMEONE OR FETCH ME HENCE?

- OBVIOUSLY A BLITHERING IDIOT!
- I'M AFRAID SO.

- AND OBSERVE THAT PITIFUL
SCRAGGLY EXCUSE FOR A BEARD.

THE SIGN OF A
BANKRUPT MENTALITY.

- ALL RIGHT, KREBS, LET'S
BEGIN WITH THIS EXAMINATION.

MAY WE START WITH A
FEW SIMPLE QUESTIONS

ON THE ECONOMIC PROBLEMS
OF THE HAWAIIAN ISLANDS?

- WE MAY. IN 1949,

THE HAWAIIAN ISLANDS PRODUCED
8,045,941 TONS OF SUGAR CANE.

- ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.
- BUT OF COURSE.

AND SINCE WE'RE ON THE
SUBJECT OF GEOGRAPHY,

THE CAPITAL OF NORTH
DAKOTA IS BISMARCK,

POPULATION OF WHICH IS 18,640
ESTIMATED AS OF THE LAST CENSUS.

- INCREDIBLE!
- NO, BISMARCK.

INCREDIBLE IS A SMALL VILLAGE
IN SOUTHWEST SURREY, ENGLAND,

A FACT NOT GENERALLY
KNOWN TO THE INCOGNOSCENTI.

- PERHAPS WE SHOULD
SWITCH TO LITERATURE.

- PERHAPS WE SHOULD, DEAR CHAP.

FYODOR MIKHAIL DOSTOYEVSKY
WAS BORN IN MOSCOW IN 1821.

HIS GREATEST NOVEL IS
"CRIME AND PUNISHMENT."

ALTHOUGH SOME CRITICS, MAINLY
THOSE OF THE 19th CENTURY,

PREFER "THE BROTHERS KARAMAZOV."

CHACUN A SON GOUT.

IN FRENCH, THAT MEANS
EACH TO HIS OWN TASTE.

THE EQUIVALENT
EXPRESSION IN GERMAN...

- SUPERB, MR. KREBS,
THAT'S SUPERB.

HOW ARE YOU AT FRACTIONS?

- FRACTIONS? SURELY, YOU
JEST. SPATIAL EQUATIONS.

- SPATIAL EQUATIONS?

- INVOLVING THE TIME
FACTOR, OF COURSE.

NOW HERE'S AN
AMUSING LITTLE TIDBIT

THAT MIGHT INTEREST
YOU GENTLEMEN.

NOTICE HOW THE TIME FACTOR

CORRELATES WITH THE
XY TO THE Nth POWER,

WHICH SEEMS TO SUGGEST THAT
THE SQUARE ROOT OF INFINITY

IS UNPREDICTABLE

IN ITS RELATIONSHIP
TO ITS COORDINATES.

NOW... BUT NOT NECESSARILY.

NOW HERE AMONG THE QUADRATICS...

- I THINK YOU'VE MADE
YOUR POINT, MR. KREBS.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I
THINK WE CAN DISPENSE WITH

THE REST OF THIS EXAMINATION.

- AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU

ABOUT TAKING OVER THE
PHYSICS, MATHEMATICS

AND ENGLISH DEPARTMENTS.

- I'LL WRITE OUT THE
RECOMMENDATION

FOR YOUR IMMEDIATE
ACCEPTANCE AS AN HONOR STUDENT.

MR. KREBS, JUST WHAT
IS THE CORRECT SPELLING

OF YOUR LAST NAME, SON?

- LET'S SEE NOW.

I KNOW IT AS GOOD
AS MY OWN NAME.

NOW DON'T TELL ME. UH, UH...

COULD WE COME BACK
TO THAT QUESTION LATER?

- IS SOMETHING WRONG, MR. KREBS?

- MR. WHO?

MR. WHO... MR. WHO.

YEAH, THAT'S MY
NAME, MAYNARD G. WHO.

OH, BOY, I KNEW IT'D COME TO ME

SOONER OR LATER. NEXT QUESTION?

- SOMETHING VERY
ODD GOING ON HERE.

- WHAT'S SO, LIKE, ODD?

I HAVE TO GET BACK TO
PROFESSOR DARTMOOR'S LAB.

I JUST REMEMBERED
THAT I FORGOT SOMETHING.

OOPS. WRONG DOOR.

- WHAT EXACTLY DID
YOU FORGET, MR. KREBS?

- I FORGET.

OH, THE CHALK. DELICIOUS.

[DOG BARKING]

[DUCK QUACKING]

AHH!

[DOG BARKS]

[BARKING]

[HOOTING]

[DOG BARKING FURIOUSLY]

[MONKEY SCREECHES]

RAAAHHRR!

[DOG BARKS]

[DUCK QUACKS]

- GRRR!

- KREBS? KREBS?

KREBS, WHAT IN BLAZES...

GOOD HEAVENS, IT'S A MONSTER.

- STICKS AND STONES
MAY BREAK MY BONES,

BUT NAMES WILL NEVER HURT ME.

- GET AWAY FROM ME!

I'M...
- RAAAHHHRR!

- WHAT'S THE MATTER?
WHERE'S DREGS?

- RAAAHHRR!
- AAH!

HELP. AAH!

WELL, I BETTER GO... OUTSIDE.

WELL...
- RAAAHHRR!

- AAH!

- EXPEL MAYNARD, HUH?

- OW! OW! OW!

- KREBS, OR WHATEVER YOU
ARE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- SHOWING THAT INFERIOR
CREATURES BELONG IN CAGES.

- MAYNARD, MAYNARD, MAYNARD!

MAYNARD!
- OHH!

- MAYNARD! MAYNARD!

MAYNARD. I'M OVERWHELMED.
IS IT REALLY YOU?

- OH, I'LL SHOW YOU A WAY
TO GET OVER BEING WHELMED.

HERE, HOLD THIS. TOLD YOU

NOT TO DUMP YOUR GOODEST
BUDDY, YOU ARNOLD BENEDICT.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S
BENEDICT ARNOLD,

AND, YES, IT IS REALLY YOU.

MAYNARD, WHAT'S
HAPPENING TO YOU?

- IT'S ALREADY HAPPENING.

HE MUST HAVE SWALLOWED
THE ENTIRE BOTTLE OF LYC-13.

- OH, YES, YES, AND I
MUCH PREFER IT TO WINE.

HERE, HOLD THIS.
- MAYNARD.

- LET ME OUT. LET ME OUT.

LET ME OUT OF HERE.

- I SHALL RETURN,
BY THE MOONLIGHT.

- MAYNARD, COME BACK.

- STOP HIM, SOMEBODY. STOP HIM.

- INCIDENTALLY, I LOVE THE
MOON. IT'S SO PALE AND DEAD.

- MAYNARD, COME BACK. WE'LL DO
EVERYTHING WE CAN TO HELP YOU.

- SPEAK FOR YOURSELF,
GILLIS. SPEAK FOR YOURSELF.

- [SCREAMS] OH, MY GOD.

- [PEOPLE SCREAMING]

- I HAVE TO FIND MAYNARD.

I KNEW THAT NO MATTER HOW
MUCH OF THAT TERRIBLE STUFF

HE HAD SWALLOWED, ON THE INSIDE,

HE WAS STILL THE SAME, SWEET,
LOVABLE, KINDLY MAYNARD.

MAYNARD, STOP!

- USE YOUR NOODLE.
HERE'S NOODLES.

- MAYNARD, WHY ARE YOU
DOING THESE TERRIBLE THINGS?

THIS ISN'T THE REAL YOU.
- LIKE TRUE.

THE REAL ME WAS THAT POOR
SLUG YOU TURNED YOUR BACK ON

WHEN I WAS CRYING FOR
HELP AND ASSISTANCE,

MAYBE BOTH. [GROWLING]

DON'T COMPLAIN.
IT'S TUTTI-FRUTTI.

- [SCREAMING]

- BY THIS TIME, A LESSER MAN
MIGHT HAVE GIVEN UP ON MAYNARD,

BUT NOT ME. NO, SIR.

BECAUSE THERE'S ONE
WORD THAT DOESN'T EXIST

IN THE GILLIS
DICTIONARY, SURRENDER.

QUIT, WE GOT.

ALSO, STOP, TURN
BACK, CEASED, DESIST,

AND FORGET THE WHOLE THING.

BUT I WASN'T GONNA
DO ANY OF THESE

BECAUSE WHAT HAD HAPPENED
TO MAYNARD WAS ALL MY FAULT

AND IT WAS UP TO ME TO TURN
HIM BACK INTO A HUMAN BEING,

BUT IT WASN'T GONNA BE EASY.

[CLATTER]

- OH, HELLO, MAYNARD.

- CAN I BE OF
ASSISTANCE, MR. G.?

- OH, YOU CAN BE
OF BIG ASSISTANCE.

GET LOST, WILL YA? I BEEN
WORKING ALL DAY LIKE A DOG

GETTING THIS DISPLAY UP HERE.

IT'S PRETTY ARTISTIC,
IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF,

AND I DO SAY SO MYSELF.

NOW AS SOON AS I GET THIS
OTHER CARTON FULL OF CANS

STACKED UP THERE...

- I WILL CARRY THAT
FOR YOU, MR. G.

I HAVE SUPERHUMAN
STRENGTH, YOU SEE.

- YOU HAVE SUPERHUMAN
GALL, YOU SEE.

DO YOU THINK YOU
CAN CARRY SOMETHING

THAT HERBERT T. GILLIS CAN'T?

- NATURALLY. I'M A MONSTER.

- WELL, IT'S ABOUT
TIME YOU ADMIT IT.

I'VE BEEN TELLING
YOU THAT FOR YEARS,

AND TAKE THAT STUPID
EXPRESSION OFF YOUR FACE.

GET RID OF THE WACKY OUTFIT.

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING
TO DO, SCARE SOMEBODY?

- THE FOOL MUST
BE TAUGHT RESPECT.

[CACKLING LAUGH]

- ANY QUESTIONS?

- MAYNARD, YOU DID
THIS? YOU DID ALL THIS?

I'LL PULVERIZE YOU, YOU...

- TRY MONSTER, FOR
THAT IS WHAT I AM.

- YOU.

[BONES CRUNCHING]

- DAD, DON'T HURT HIM.

- LOOK WHAT HE DID
TO MY BEAUTIFUL, OOP,

ARTISTIC DISPLAY.

- OOH, I WAS A TRUE FIEND.

- DAD, HE CAN'T HELP IT.
HE ISN'T THE REAL MAYNARD.

- [GROWLING]
- MAYNARD. MAYNARD.

MAYNARD.

- I MUST FIND A PLACE TO SLEEP.
WHERE IS THE NEAREST GRAVEYARD?

- SOMETHING HAD TO
BE DONE, BUT WHAT?

I WRACKED MY BRAIN
AND THEN IT CAME TO ME.

IF PROFESSOR DARTMOOR
COULD INVENT SOMETHING

THAT TURNED MAYNARD
INTO A MONSTER,

HE COULD ALSO INVENT SOMETHING
THAT WOULD MAKE HIM HUMAN AGAIN,

COULDN'T HE? OF COURSE HE COULD.

- WE PLAY A DANGEROUS
GAME WHEN WE TAMPER

WITH THE DARK
RECESSES OF A MAN'S SOUL.

- UH, PLEASE, PROFESSOR.

- WHO KNOWS WHAT
MYSTERIOUS FORCES

WE MAY UNLEASH THAT
WILL DESTROY US ALL?

[THUNDER]

- PROFESSOR, YES, YES, YES?

- HAVE YOU GOT IT, PROFESSOR?
- I DON'T KNOW.

I'VE DEVELOPED THREE
SEPARATE CURES FOR LYC-13.

EACH IS A POSSIBILITY,
BUT I CAN'T BE CERTAIN.

- WELL, ONE OF
THEM'S GOTTA WORK.

OTHERWISE, MAYNARD'S GONNA
SPEND THE REST OF HIS LIFE

WANDERING AROUND
LIKE SOME HORRIBLE,

CREEPY, TERRIFYING SPOOK.

- YOU SHRIEKED?

LIKE HALT. DON'T ANYBODY MOVE.

HUH? CHA-CHA CHA-CHA-CHA. HA HA!

[BEAKERS SHATTER]

- HMM? MMM. AUGH!

[BEAKERS SHATTERING]

- RAAAHRR!
- AAH!

- MAYNARD. MAYNARD,
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

- WHAT I SHOULD HAVE
DONE A LONG TIME AGO,

I'M GONNA TAKE THIS RAZOR, SEE?
- MAYNARD.

- AND THEN I'M GONNA
MAKE SURE IT'S REAL DULL...

- MAYNARD, PLEASE!

- THEN I'M GONNA
SHAVE OFF EVERY HAIR

ON THAT WAVY BROWN
HEAD IN COLD WATER.

- MAYNARD, DON'T.
STOP AND THINK.

THINK OF THE DAYS WHEN WE
WERE LITTLE BABIES TOGETHER.

- NO, MY HEAD'S MADE UP,
I'M GOING THROUGH WITH IT.

- MAYNARD, WE SHARED
EVERYTHING, OUR JOYS, OUR TRIALS,

OUR PABLUM, OUR CHICKENPOX.

- DON'T BE AFRAID. IT'LL
BE OVER IN A MOMENT.

- MAYNARD, YOU'RE
FORCING ME TO DO THIS, BUT...

LOOK AT IT, MAYNARD.
LOOK. LOOK. MAYNARD.

- DON'T HATE ME, DOBE.
I'M NOT BAD, JUST WEAK.

- YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE, MAYNARD.

WE'LL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING.

QUICK, PROFESSOR,
THE ANTI-MONSTER DRINK.

- HERE'S NUMBER ONE
OF AN INGENIOUS MIXTURE.

I'LL WAGER IT WORKS
MAGNIFICENTLY.

- YES. HERE, DRINK THIS.

HE'S TURNED INTO
PROFESSOR NASTINGTON.

- WELL, YOU CAN'T WIN 'EM ALL.

- LISTEN, WE'VE GOTTA
TRY THE SECOND CURE.

- AFTER THAT MESS, IT'S
BETTER NOT TOO RISK IT.

- WE'RE NOT GONNA
LEAVE HIM LIKE THIS.

QUICK, PROFESSOR,
GIVE ME THE MIXTURE.

HERE, TRY THIS, PROFESSOR
NAST... UH, MAYNARD.

- EGAD. I KNEW I PUT
IN TOO MUCH VINEGAR.

- PROFESSOR DARTMOOR,

WE'VE GOTTA TRY
THE THIRD MIXTURE.

- TRUE. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS,

IT COULDN'T BE ANY
WORSE THAN THAT.

YES. CHEERS.

- HOW AWFUL.

- I'VE... I'VE FAILED MISERABLY.

- OH, DON'T PUNISH YOURSELF
TOO MUCH, PROFESSOR.

WE MAY HAVE
STUMBLED ON SOMETHING

RATHER INTERESTING HERE.
- DOBIE!

- MAYNARD, WE'VE KNOWN
ONE ANOTHER FOR MANY YEARS,

BUT SUDDENLY I SEE
YOU IN A NEW LIGHT,

SO ENCHANTING, SO
LOVELY, SO DIFFERENT,

AND GOODBYE, GLORIA.

- ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL
ME THAT KREBS IS STILL A GIRL?

- YES, ISN'T IT HORRIBLE?

- YEAH, HORRIBLE.

- LIKE HI, IT'S ME,

SWEET, CUDDLY, SHABBY
ME. AIN'T IT GRAND?

- WELCOME HOME, MR. KREBS,
AND DON'T EVER CHANGE AGAIN.

- OKAY, I'LL STAY
AS SWEET AS I AM.

- THANK HEAVENS,
THE COLLEGE IS SAVED.

- HEY, DOBE, YOU DON'T
LOOK AWFUL HAPPY TO SEE ME.

- I'M HAPPY. I'M HAPPY.
- KREBS, THIS IS FABULOUS.

YOU DISCOVERED THE
ANTI-MONSTER CURE.

- WHAT CURE? I WAS MUNCHING
ON SUNFLOWER SEEDS

AND PEANUT BRITTLE,
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,

I WAS MY SWEET, LOVABLE,
NOTHING SELF AGAIN.

AMAZING, HUH?

- SUNFLOWER SEEDS
AND PEANUT BRITTLE?

THE POLYUNSATURES UNSATURATED
THE SUPER-UNSATURATES.

WHY, OF COURSE.

HOW STUPID OF ME
NOT TO THINK OF IT.

- I'LL BUY THAT.

- MR. KREBS,

SINCE WE SEEMED TO
HAVE COME THROUGH THIS

WITHOUT TOO MUCH DAMAGE,
YOU ARE FREE TO REMAIN

WITHIN THESE HALLOWED
WALLS FOREVER,

AND I'M SURE YOU WILL.

- OH, FOR JOY, FOR
JOY. LOOK AT ME.

I'M JOE COLLEGE AGAIN.

♪ BOOLA-BOOLA... ♪
- MAYNARD.

- AND NOW, PROFESSOR DARTMOOR,

THERE ARE A COUPLE OF
WORDS I'D LIKE TO SAY TO YOU

ABOUT THOSE RATHER
ODD EXPERIMENTS

YOU'VE BEEN CARRYING ON.

- YES?

- DROP 'EM.

- BUT, DEAN!

- HEY, DOBE, WHAT
SHOULD I WEAR TONIGHT?

- WHAT SHOULD YOU WEAR?
- YEAH, LAST NIGHT,

YOU SAID THE DRESS I WAS
WEARING WAS TOO SHORT.

- OH, MAYNARD. SHH!

[SOUNDTRACK MUSIC
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