The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 4, Episode 11 - The Iceman Goeth - full transcript
Based on a letter from his oil geologist brother Timothy Gillis, Herbert believes that Timothy will be giving him some lucrative oil stocks in turn for taking care of Dunky. As such, Herbert believes he has to be especially nice to Dunky for as long as Dunky will be staying with them, as difficult as it will be due to Dunky's teen-aged hijinx. It is even more difficult after Dunky, with Maynard's assistance, accidentally locks Herbert in the store's freezer. After the fact, Dunky and Maynard believe they've killed Herbert, and as such decide to go into hiding. The result is the police believe Herbert, who managed to escape from the freezer, and Dobie, based on Dunky's disappearance and other circumstantial evidence, have in turn murdered Dunky. Only a cold spell may clear up all these misunderstandings.
TO GET MY NAME IN THE PAPERS.
WHAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
IS A REAL NEWS STORY
ALL ABOUT ME.
I MEAN, A BIG STORY RIGHT
SMACK ON THE FRONT PAGE
AND WITH A PICTURE, TOO.
IMPOSSIBLE, YOU SAY?
A PIPE DREAM, YOU SAY?
ALL RIGHT, YOU
SCOFFERS, TAKE A LOOK.
[JAZZ THEME]
- I SHOWED YOU THIS,
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
THAT'S DAD, ALSO
HELD FOR MURDER.
CONSIDERING WE DON'T
EMPLOY A PRESS AGENT,
IT WAS A PRETTY BIG DAY
FOR THE GILLIS FAMILY.
IN FACT, A VERY BIG DAY.
LOOK HERE.
YES, I'VE SEEN THIS BOY.
HE'S MY COUSIN, DUNCAN
GILLIS, DUNKIE FOR SHORT.
HE LIVES WITH US.
LET ME EXPLAIN.
HIS FATHER, MY UNCLE TIM,
IS MY FATHER'S BROTHER.
UNCLE TIM'S AN OIL GEOLOGIST.
HE GOES ALL OVER THE
WORLD LOOKING FOR OIL.
A WHILE BACK, HE
HAD TO GO TO BORNEO,
SO HE ASKED US IF HE COULD
LEAVE DUNKIE AT OUR HOUSE.
WE MADE A TERRIBLE
MISTAKE. WE SAID YES.
THE LAST TIME I SAW THIS
BOY WAS JUST THREE DAYS AGO
IN A VERY CHARACTERISTIC POSE.
[RINGS]
- DUNKIE.
- OH, HI, UNCLE HERBIE.
- AND HI TO YOU, TOO, DUNKIE,
AND HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
TO WIND UP WITH A
FIST FULL OF NUBS?
- GEE, UNCLE HERBIE.
WHAT A WAY TO TREAT YOUR
OWN FLESH AND BLOOD NEPHEW.
- THAT'S NOTHING. YOU
OUGHT TO SEE THE WAY
HE TREATS HIS OWN
FLESH AND BLOOD SON.
SINCE 1942, DOBE'S GOT A
TOTAL OF 60 CENTS OUT OF HIM
AND THAT INCLUDES CHRISTMASES.
- YEAH, WELL, SOMEBODY
BETTER WATCH THE PENNIES
AND DO THE WORK AROUND HERE
OR IT'S GONNA BE
GOODBYE GROCERY STORE,
HELLO POOR HOUSE.
AND SPEAKING OF WORK, HOW
ABOUT YOU GUYS CHIPPING IN
AND HELPING ME STASH
THIS BEEF IN THE FREEZER?
I GOT A WHOLE LOAD IN THE TRUCK.
- WORK?
BUT, UNCLE HERBIE, I'M
BUT AN UNDER-AGED CHILD.
- I'D LIKE TO HELP YOU, MR. G.,
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT
HAPPENS WHEN I WORK.
- NO, MAYNARD, I DO NOT KNOW
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU WORK
BECAUSE I AIN'T NEVER
SEEN YOU DO NO WORK.
- OH, IT'S TERRIBLE SCARY. I
GET THEM TERRIBLE HEAD NOISES.
- YEAH, WELL, YOU'RE
BOTH GONNA GET
SOME TERRIBLE HEAD
NOISES RIGHT NOW.
OUT, OUT, OUT, OUT, OUT!
- COME, DUNKIE, LET US
RESUME OUR GAME OF BRIDGE
AND REMEMBER IT'S MY
TURN TO WALK ACROSS YOU.
- RIGHT.
- HI, DAD.
JUST BEEN DOWN
TO THE POST OFFICE
TO PICK UP THE MAIL.
- WHAT IS IT, BOY?
ARE YOU EQUIPPED WITH SOME
KIND OF RADAR OR SOMETHING
YOU CAN DISAPPEAR EVERY
TIME A HEAVY LOAD SHOWS UP?
- OH, OH, HERE, DAD, HERE.
- OH, THANK YOU.
FOR A MINUTE THERE I THOUGHT
YOU'D BECOME A NO-GOOD LOAFER.
CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?
- OH, FORGET IT, DAD.
- HEY, HOLD THIS THING OPEN.
WHAT ARE YOU, A HOMICIDAL
MANIAC OR SOMETHING?
A GUY COULD FREEZE
TO DEATH IN THERE.
OH, THERE'S GOT TO
BE A CURSE ON ME.
- SORRY, DAD, SORRY.
"DEAR DOBIE, THE GENUINE
GOLD LOCKET YOU GAVE ME
TURNED GREEN AND
GOODBYE, THALIA."
- WELL, MAYBE SOMEDAY
YOU CAN GIVE HER
A GENUINE GREEN
LOCKET THAT'LL TURN GOLD.
- SOMEDAY IS RIGHT.
- BE OPTIMISTIC, BOY.
- WHERE WILL I GET
THIS DOUGH, FROM YOU?
- I SAID BE OPTIMISTIC,
NOT HYSTERICAL.
WHAT'S THAT FANCY ENVELOPE
WITH ALL THE GOOFY STAMPS ON IT?
- OH, IT'S FOR YOU,
DAD, FROM BORNEO.
UNCLE TIM.
- YOU THINK MAYBE
HE'S COMING BACK
TO TAKE DUNKIE OFF MY HANDS?
AND OH, WHAT A STUPID QUESTION.
I AM PROBABLY
STUCK WITH THAT KID
FOR THE REST OF MY
LIFE OR EVEN LONGER.
- "DEAR BROTHER
HERB, IT LOOKS LIKE
"I'M GOING TO BE HERE IN
BORNEO DIGGING FOR OIL
"LONGER THAN I THOUGHT,
FOR AT LEAST THE
NEXT TWO YEARS."
OH, WITH THAT KID IN MY
HAIR IN THE NEXT TWO YEARS,
I'LL BE SIX FEET UNDER
AND BALD BESIDES.
"HOWEVER, DEAR BROTHER,
SINCE I KNOW YOU WILL CONTINUE
"TO TREAT MY BELOVED CHILD
WITH KINDNESS, SYMPATHY
"AND TENDER LOVING CARE,
"I INSIST THAT YOU LET
ME GIVE YOU SOME TOKEN
"OF MY APPRECIATION.
LOVE TO ALL, TIM." WHAT
INSIST, GIVE ME THE TOKEN.
I'LL TAKE IT. I'LL TAKE IT.
- DAD, WHAT DO YOU
THINK HE'S GONNA GIVE US?
- WELL, SON, HE IS OUT
THERE DIGGING FOR OIL WELLS,
NOT ANGLE WORMS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK
HE'S GOING TO GIVE US?
- ANGLE WORMS?
- OIL WELLS, BOY, OIL WELLS.
WHY, TO A BIG
OPERATOR LIKE UNCLE TIM
ONE OIL WELL DON'T MEAN THAT.
- YOU MEAN AN ENTIRE OIL WELL?
- I MEAN AN ENTIRE
BUNCH OF OIL WELLS, BOY.
WHY, WE'RE GONNA BE UP TO
OUR MONEY BELTS IN OIL WELLS.
- OH, UNCLE HERBIE, IS
IT OKAY IF I HAVE $2.00
TO TAKE A CHICK TO THE MOVIES?
- YOU CAN TAKE A COUPLE OF
VEGETABLE EARS TO BED WITH...
- DAD, USE YOUR HEAD.
DON'T YOU REMEMBER
WHAT UNCLE TIM SAID?
TREAT DUNKIE WITH SYMPATHY,
KINDNESS, TENDER LOVING CARE.
YOU WANNA BLOW THREE OIL WELLS?
- YOU'RE RIGHT, BOY.
- YEAH.
- DUNKIE.
- THERE.
- OH, HELP YOURSELF.
[RINGS]
THERE'S THE CASH REGISTER.
TAKE AS MUCH AS YOU LIKE.
WHAT'S MINE IS YOURS.
BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER.
DIG IN, SWEETIE PIE.
- YOU BELIEVE THIS?
- NO, WHAT I BELIEVE IS THE
MARTIANS FINALLY LANDED
AND GOT CONTROL
OF HIS BRAIN AND BODY.
- FELLAS, FELLAS,
YOU'RE ALL WRONG.
SURE, DAD SEEMS
GROUCHY SOMETIMES
BUT UNDERNEATH HE'S ALL HEART.
- OH, I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.
- ME NEITHER.
- BUT I WILL SAY THAT I AM KIND,
SWEET, LOVABLE, BENEVOLENT
AND GENEROUS.
- YEP, IT'S MARTIANS.
COME ON, KID, LET'S GO.
- WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU MEAN I CAN GO OVER
THERE AND TAKE $2.00
OUT OF THE REGISTER?
- TAKE ALL YOU WANT, DEAR HEART.
- MARTIANS, NO
QUESTION ABOUT IT.
- YOU SURE TWO WILL BE
ENOUGH, DARLING BOY?
- FOR NOW.
- WELL, COME OFTEN
AND STAY LATE.
- YEAH, AS LONG
AS IT'S OPEN, DAD,
I THINK I'LL HELP
MYSELF TO A FEW BOB.
- YES, THEN YOU'D BETTER
HURRY OFF TO COLLEGE
OR YOU WILL BE LATE, DOBIE-POO.
- OH, YEAH, DAD,
YEAH, YEAH. SURE.
BYE, MAYNARD, DUNKIE. BYE, DAD.
- IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I CAN
DO FOR YOU, DARLING DUNKIE?
- NOW THAT I GOT ALL THIS LOOT,
I'D LIKE TO CALL UP A FEW DAMES.
- OH, WELL, HERE'S THE PHONE.
- UNCLE HERBIE, THIS
IS THE BUSINESS PHONE.
YOU SAID IF I EVER USED IT,
YOU'D SHOVE IT DOWN MY THROAT.
- YEAH, YOU DID,
MR. G., I'M A WITLESS.
- OH, MAYNARD, THAT
SHOULD BE WITNESS
BUT I SHAN'T ARGUE THE POINT.
I WAS MAKING A LITTLE
JOKE ABOUT THE PHONE.
YOU MUST EXCUSE MY
ROUGH, MANLY HUMOR.
USE THE PHONE WHILE I GO OUT
AND BRING IN THE
REST OF THE MEAT.
- YOU KNOW, I LIKED HIM
BETTER AS A MARTIAN.
- IT'S SPOOKY.
- MAYNARD, DEAR, DO YOU THINK
YOU COULD COME OVER HERE
AND OPEN THE FREEZER DOOR
FOR ME WHILE I STASH THE MEAT
AND BE SURE TO HOLD IT OPEN
BECAUSE IF YOU
LET IT CLOSE ON ME,
THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE
I COULD FREEZE TO DEATH.
- YOU WANT ME TO OPEN THE
FREEZER DOOR AND LET YOU IN
AND THEN HOLD IT OPEN
UNTIL YOU COME OUT?
- YEAH, YOU THINK
YOU COULD DO THAT?
- I DON'T KNOW, MR. G.
THAT'S AN AWFUL LOT
OF THINGS TO REMEMBER.
- WHY DO I CARE?
DUNKIE DEAR, COULD YOU
OPEN THE FREEZER DOOR
FOR YOUR UNCLE HERBIE?
- SURE, UNCLE HERBIE. I'LL
MAKE THESE CALLS LATER.
- OH, PERISH THE THOUGHT.
I WOULDN'T DENY YOU TO
THOSE LOVELY YOUNG THINGS
WHO THINK YOU'RE
SO IRRESISTIBLE.
JUST COME OVER HERE
AND MAKE THE TELEPHONE
CALL WITH ONE HAND
AND HOLD THE DOOR
OPEN WITH THE OTHER.
THAT'S ALL YOU...
- OH, HI, CLARISSA.
THIS IS DUNKIE GILLIS.
YEAH, DOBIE'S COUSIN.
NO, NO, DUNKIE WITH A U.
NO, NO, NO, DOBIE WITH A B.
- WE MET AT THE MALT
SHOP, REMEMBER?
SURE YOU DO.
- SURE SHE DOES.
DO THE IMITATION OF A CHICKEN
YOU DID THE OTHER NIGHT.
THAT'LL REFRESHEN HER MEMORY.
- GOOD THINKING, MAYNIE.
I'M THE ONE WHO DID THAT
CLEVER IMITATION OF A CHICKEN.
LISTEN... [CLUCKS]
- I ALSO DO HYENAS,
LIONS AND ELEPHANTS.
- HE ALSO DOES GIRAFFES
AND THAT'S NOT EASY
BECAUSE THEY
DON'T MAKE NO NOISE.
- SAY, WOULD YOU LIKE
TO GO TO A MOVIE TONIGHT?
AND AFTERWARDS,
OUT FOR SOME CHOW,
AND THEN I'LL DO A FEW
HUNDRED IMITATIONS FOR YOU?
WILD.
- CLARISSA, YOU'RE
A GREAT AMERICAN.
- WELL, WHAT TIME
DO WE PICK HER UP?
- A COUPLE OF HOURS.
- OH, WE BETTER HURRY.
GOTTA STOP BY MY
HOUSE TO FEED MY LIZARD.
- WHAT'S THE RUSH? WE
GOT A COUPLE OF HOURS.
- DUNKIE, YOU GOT ANY
IDEA HOW LONG IT TAKES
TO CATCH A HALF
A POUND OF FLIES?
- THAT SENDS CHILLS
UP AND DOWN MY SPINE.
PEACHY, PEACHY KEEN.
- YOU'RE A GREAT
HUMAN BEING, DUNKIE,
BUT YOU MIGHT BE A GREAT
ANIMAL, WHICH IS EVEN BETTER.
- THANK YOU, BOO-WANNA.
AND NOW HOW ABOUT A
TRIP TO THE WATERHOLE
FOR AN ICE CREAM FLOAT?
- YOU WANNA GO BACK
TO THE MALT SHOP AGAIN?
- WHY, THAT'S FOUR TIMES
SO FAR PLUS THE MOVIE.
DUNKIE, WHERE'S ALL
THIS MONEY COMING FROM?
- UNCLE HERBIE.
- YOU'RE JOSHING.
- NO, IT'S TRUE.
HERBERT T. STINGY SPRUNG
FOR THE WHOLE PARTY.
- I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE
MR. GILLIS WOULD DO
ANYTHING SO GENEROUS.
NO OFFENSE. I MEAN,
HE'S SUCH A COLD MAN.
- COLD? DID YOU SAY COLD?
- COLD? IS THAT WHAT YOU SAID?
- I SAID HERBERT T. GILLIS IS A
COLD MAN, DON'T YOU AGREE?
- HERBERT T. GILLIS
AIN'T JUST COLD.
HE'S FROZEN.
- A HUMAN POPSICLE
IS WHAT HE IS.
- WHAT ARE YOU
TWO TALKING ABOUT?
- OH, NOTHING.
JUST WE LEFT UNCLE
HERBIE BACK IN THE STORE,
LOCKED IN THE FREEZER.
- WHAT ARE YOU TWO
JUST SITTING HERE FOR?
I MEAN, HURRY UP. THERE
MIGHT BE TIME TO SAVE HIM.
- GIRL, WE GO.
IF ANYBODY ASKS
WHICH WAY WE WENT
TELL THEM WE WENT
NORTH TO MEXICO.
- MEXICO IS SOUTH.
- THINKING ALL THE TIME.
- AT ONE TIME I WAS YOUNGER
AND SILLIER THAN I AM TODAY
AND DAD WAS
YOUNGER AND SKINNIER.
I DO NOT MENTION THESE FACTS
JUST TO MAKE CONVERSATION.
THEY'RE IMPORTANT.
WHEN I WAS YOUNGER AND
SILLIER, I USED TO LOCK DAD
IN THE FREEZER OCCASIONALLY
LIKE, TWO, THREE TIMES A WEEK,
BY ACCIDENT, OF COURSE.
FINALLY AS A LIFESAVING
MEASURE, DAD HAD A TRAP DOOR
CUT IN THE BACK OF THE FREEZER,
JUST A SKINNY TRAP DOOR
FOR A SKINNY TRAPPED GROCER.
BUT TIMES HAVE CHANGED,
AND WHEN COUSIN DUNKIE
LOCKED HIM IN THE FREEZER,
HE FOUND THAT IT
WASN'T QUITE SO EASY
TO SQUEEZE THROUGH
THE TRAP DOOR.
SO HE SUCKED IN HIS STOMACH
AND HE SQUIRMED AND SQUINCHED
AND WRIGGLED AND WIGGLED,
AND FINALLY, HE MADE IT.
SO THAT'S HOW COME MY
FATHER, HERBERT T. GILLIS,
MISSED HIS CHANCE TO
BECOME WHAT YOU MIGHT CALL
ONE OF THE FROZEN PEOPLE,
BUT HIS HEARTWARMING ESCAPE
WAS SOMETHING DUNKIE AND MAYNARD
DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT.
- UNCLE HERBIE? WHERE ARE YOU?
- MR. G.?
MR. G., IT'S ME,
MAYNARD G. KREBS,
YOUR OLD BUDDY.
MR. G.?
- I CAN'T DO IT. I
CAN'T FACE HIM.
- ME NEITHER. LET'S
SEND HIM A WIRE.
- MAYNARD, YOU DO IT FOR ME.
GO IN THERE FOR
ME, YOUR OLD PAL.
- OKAY, OKAY.
HE'S PROBABLY TOO
STIFF TO BELT ME ANYWAY.
MR. G.? HEY, MR. G.,
WHERE ARE YOU?
MR. G., SPEAK TO ME.
- WHAT'S THE
MATTER? IS HE FROZEN?
- WORSE, WORSE, WORSE, WORSE.
- OH, I CAN'T STAND
IT. LET ME SEE.
- NO, DON'T LOOK.
AVERT YOUR EYES.
OH, HE DEFROSTED
RIGHT DOWN THE DRAIN.
- DEFROSTED?
- YEAH, OH, POOR
MR. G. OH, BLACK DAY.
OH, THOUSAND PARDONS,
YOUR PUDDLE-SHIP.
- OH, WE'RE DOOMED,
DOOMED, DOOMED.
- GIVE ME THE MOP.
- THE MOP? WHAT FOR?
- THE LEAST WE CAN DO IS
GIVE HIM A DECENT BURIAL.
- MAYNARD, NEVER MIND
THAT. LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.
- IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, OFFICER.
AN ACCIDENT, THAT'S ALL.
- YES, IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, SIR,
AND THERE WAS NO
PRE-MEDITERRANEAN
OR MALICE BEFORETHOUGHT.
- THAT'S PREMEDITATION
AND MALICE OF FORETHOUGHT.
NOW, WHAT ARE YOU
GUYS TRYING TO DO?
MAKE A FEDERAL CASE OUT OF THIS?
- FEDERAL CASE?
OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
WE DIDN'T CROSS THE STATE LINE.
- WE DIDN'T EVEN
CROSS THE STREET.
WE'VE BEEN RIGHT
HERE IN THE STORE.
- WHAT ARE YOU
GETTING EXCITED ABOUT?
WHAT DO YOU THINK'S
GONNA HAPPEN TO YOU?
- OH, THE CHAIR,
ELECTRICS-VILLE.
- OH, THE ELECTRIC CHAIR FOR
KNOCKING DOWN A POLICEMAN?
- OH, NO, FOR MUR...
- WHO ARE YOU, SON?
- I'M DUNCAN GILLIS,
DUNKIE FOR SHORT.
I'M UNCLE HERBIE'S NEPHEW.
- REST HIS SOUL.
- WELL, DUNKIE, WILL
YOU TELL YOUR UNCLE
THAT THEY'RE HAVING A
LITTLE PARTY IN MY HONOR
DOWN AT THE BISON LODGE
TONIGHT, AND HE'S CORDIALLY INVITED.
- YES, SIR. THANK YOU, SIR.
- I WON'T BE POUNDING
A BEAT ANYMORE.
THEY'RE PROMOTING ME.
- AND YOU DESERVE IT, SIR.
BLESS THEM BIG, FLAT FEET.
- DARN RIGHT I DESERVE IT.
IMAGINE WASTING ME ON A BEAT.
I SHOULD HAVE BEEN
ON HOMICIDE YEARS AGO.
Both: HOMICIDE?
- MURDER, MY LADS.
SO IF YOU'RE THINKING OF
KNOCKING ANYBODY OFF,
THINK AGAIN, BECAUSE
BLOODHOUND MULCAHEY
IS ON THE JOB.
SO LONG, BOYS.
- SO LONG, OFFICER.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW?
- HIDE OUT.
- OH, WHAT'S THE
USE? THEY'LL FIND US.
- KID, THERE'S NOT
MUCH I CAN DO,
PRACTICALLY NOTHING,
BUT THERE'S ONE THING
I CAN DO BETTER THAN
ANYBODY IN THIS WHOLE WORLD.
- HIDE?
- HIDE.
- HIDE.
- DON'T GO WANDERING OFF, KID.
IT'S PRETTY SCARY DOWN HERE.
- YEAH. SAY, WHERE
ARE WE ANYHOW?
- IT'S A TUNNEL
FOR THE HEAT PIPES.
IT RUNS UNDER THE WHOLE
S. PETER PRYOR COLLEGE.
- MAYNIE, ONLY A
GREAT HIDER LIKE YOU
COULD HAVE FOUND SUCH
A GREAT HIDING PLACE.
- OH, IT'S FAIR, SON,
FAIR. I'VE SEEN BETTER.
ONCE I HAD A PLACE
WHERE I HIDED FOR 47 DAYS.
THAT'S ALMOST A MONTH.
- 47 DAYS BEFORE THEY FOUND YOU?
- WHAT FOUND? WHO LOOKS?
THAT'S WHY I'M
SUCH A GREAT HIDER.
NOBODY EVER COMES
TO LOOK FOR ME.
THAT'S THE BEAUTY
OF THIS HIDING PLACE.
YOU KNOW WHERE
THAT LADDER LEADS TO?
- UH-UH.
- TO THE HOME ECONOMICS CLASS,
AND THAT'S WHERE THEM
GIRLS COOK CAKES ALL DAY LONG
AND THEN AT NIGHT WE
SNEAK OUT AND EAT THEM.
- CAKES, EVERY NIGHT? HONEST?
- YEAH, WITH FROSTING
YET. COME ON, KID, LET'S GO.
- LEAD ON, MY LEADER.
- THESE HERE ARE THE
SMOCKS THE GIRLS WEAR
WHEN THEY'RE COOKING. COME ON.
THESE HERE ARE THE STOVES
THE GIRLS COOK ON, SEE?
- WHERE ARE THE CAKES?
- RIGHT OVER HERE.
- OH, CRIKEY. LOOK
AT THE ASSORTMENT.
ANGEL FOOD, DEVIL'S FOOD,
MARBLE CAKE, SPICE CAKE,
FRUITCAKE, WHICH
ONE SHOULD I TAKE?
- IT DON'T MATTER MUCH. THEY
ALL KIND OF TASTE THE SAME.
THESE GIRLS COOK KIND OF FUNNY.
SEE WHAT I MEAN?
[CRUNCH]
- HEY, THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
- YEAH, ON WEDNESDAY
THEY GOT POT ROAST.
- YEAH, WHAT'S IT TASTE LIKE?
- LIKE THE CAKE.
- WILD! HOW LONG YOU
THINK WE CAN HIDE OUT HERE?
- HOW ABOUT... FOREVER?
- MAYNARD AND DUNKIE
WANTED TO HIDE OUT
IN THAT TUNNEL FOREVER.
WELL, FOREVER'S A LONG HAUL,
EVEN THE WAY MAYNARD TELLS TIME.
BUT AS LONG AS HE AND
DUNKIE KEPT HIDING OUT
IN THAT COLD TUNNEL, DAD
AND I WERE IN HOT WATER.
I MEAN, ONCE OFFICER MULCAHEY
GOT OUT OF THAT BLUE UNIFORM
AND PUT ON HIS HOMICIDE OUTFIT,
HE STARTED COMING UP WITH
SOME VERY PECULIAR IDEAS.
- SERGEANT, YOU CAN'T
SERIOUSLY BE ACCUSING US
LOVABLE US, SWEET
DECENT US, OF MURDER?
- LET ME ASK YOU
THIS, WHERE'S DUNKIE?
- AT THE MOVIES.
- AT SCHOOL.
- IN SCHOOL AND AT THE
MOVIES AT THE SAME TIME, HUH?
- OH, DAD, WHAT'S THE USE?
WE BETTER TELL THE
SERGEANT EVERYTHING.
- YEAH, I GUESS
YOU'RE RIGHT, SON.
- ALL RIGHT, NOW YOU'RE TALKING.
NOW, LET ME WARN YOU
THAT ANYTHING YOU SAY
WILL BE TAKEN DOWN
AND CAN BE USED
AGAINST YOU IN EVIDENCE.
- EVIDENCE? WHAT EVIDENCE?
WE DIDN'T LAY A
GLOVE ON THE KID.
HE RAN AWAY OF HIS
OWN ACCORD, RIGHT, SON?
- RIGHT, DAD. TWO DAYS AGO.
- HOW COME YOU DIDN'T
NOTIFY THE POLICE?
- BECAUSE IF WE
NOTIFY THE POLICE,
THE POLICE NOTIFY HIS FATHER
AND HIS FATHER GETS THE IDEA
I AM NOT BRINGING
THE KID UP RIGHT
AND FORGETS THE IDEA
OF GIVING US THE OIL WELLS.
- A LIKELY STORY.
- YOU GOT A BETTER ONE?
- I'M GLAD YOU ASKED
THAT QUESTION.
ITEM, HERBERT T. GILLIS
AND YOU, TOO, DOBIE,
HAVE BEEN BRAGGING ALL OVER
TOWN THAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO COME
INTO SOME OIL PROPERTY
FROM TIMOTHY GILLIS, TRUE?
- WELL...
- ITEM, DUNKIE GILLIS IS OR
WAS TIMOTHY GILLIS' NEXT OF KIN,
TRUE?
- WELL...
- TRUE,
AND IN THE EVENT OF
DUNKIE GILLIS' DEATH,
WHO BECOMES TIMOTHY
GILLIS' NEXT OF KIN
AND INHERITS ALL
THOSE OIL WELLS?
HERBERT T. GILLIS, TRUE?
- WELL...
- I REST MY CASE.
- NOW, JUST A MINUTE.
I HAPPEN TO BE A
VETERAN AND A TAXPAYER
AND ONE OF THE LEADING...
- THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST
RIDICULOUS,
IMPOSSIBLE, ASININE...
- SO NOW YOU KNOW HOW I
REALIZED MY BOYHOOD AMBITION
TO GET MY NAME AND
PICTURE IN THE PAPER.
OH, WE GOT OUT OF
JAIL BY RAISING BAIL.
TO GET THE MONEY, DAD
MORTGAGED THE STORE,
THE TRUCK AND MOM'S
GENUINE IMITATION FUR COAT.
BUT UNLESS DUNKIE
SHOWED UP AND SOON,
WE WERE A CINCH TO BE
RIGHT BACK BEHIND BARS.
THAT'S WHEN FATE,
BLESS ITS LITTLE HEART,
STEPPED IN.
WELL, NOT EXACTLY FATE.
WHAT STEPPED IN TO SAVE
US FROM THE HOT SEAT
WAS A COLD WAVE.
[BELL RINGS]
- GOOD MORNING, GIRLS.
MY NAME IS DR. BURKHART,
AND I AM SUBSTITUTING
TODAY FOR MISS CAGLE,
YOUR REGULAR HOME
ECONOMICS TEACHER.
THEY CHOSE ME FOR
TWO EXCELLENT REASONS.
FIRST, BECAUSE I HAVE
DEGREES IN ANTHROPOLOGY
AND MIDDLE ENGLISH LITERATURE,
WHICH NATURALLY MAKES
ME AN EXPERT ON COOKING.
SECOND, BECAUSE DURING
THIS TERRIBLE COLD WAVE,
I AM THE ONLY MEMBER
OF THE FACULTY
WHO HAS NOT COME DOWN
WITH DOUBLE PNEUMONIA,
SINGLE PNEUMONIA, YES.
HOWEVER, I'M CONFIDENT
THAT WORKING TOGETHER,
WE WILL MAKE A GO OF IT.
WHO AM I KIDDING?
THIS HAS GOT TO BE A
DISASTER, BUT LET'S PRESS ON.
CAN ANYONE TELL
ME TODAY'S PROJECT?
- A LAYER CAKE, ONLY
WE'RE OUT OF FLOUR.
- OH, THAT'S A GOOD FAST START.
WHAT'S THE PROCEDURE
WHEN WE'RE OUT OF FLOUR?
- WELL, MISS CAGLE USUALLY
CALLS GILLIS'S GROCERIES,
BUT SHE'S NOT HERE,
AND MR. GILLIS IS IN JAIL.
- OH, BUT ACCORDING
TO THE NEWSPAPERS,
MR. GILLIS IS OUT ON BAIL.
WHY DON'T YOU CALL
HIM, THERE'S A GOOD GIRL,
AND HAVE HIM BRING OVER A
SACK OF FLOUR IMMEDIATELY?
OH, THIS PLACE IS ICE COLD.
WOULD YOU GIRLS JOIN
ME IN A LITTLE FAHRENHEIT?
MAINTENANCE, THIS
IS HOME ECONOMICS.
COULD WE HAVE SOME HEAT
UP HERE RIGHT AWAY, PLEASE?
THE ROOM IS ICE COLD.
SIR, I AM NOT UNSYMPATHETIC
WITH YOUR BUDGET.
BUT UNLESS YOU SEND
US SOME HEAT THIS MINUTE,
I INTEND TO GIVE YOU A
REAL BUDGET PROBLEM
BECAUSE I AM GOING TO
BURN THE TABLES, THE BOOKS.
OH, THANK YOU. I KNEW
YOU'D SEE IT MY WAY.
LADIES, WARMTH IS ON THE WAY.
ALL RIGHT, MY QUEENS
OF THE KITCHEN,
LET US PROCEED.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE MELT
THE BUTTER FOR OUR SHORTENING
AND YOU HAVE JUST HEARD
MY ENTIRE REPERTOIRE
OF LITTLE COOKING HINTS.
[WHISTLE]
- DID YOU WHISTLE?
- ME? I CAN'T WHISTLE.
THAT'S WHY I LOSE SO MANY DOGS.
- WELL, SOMEBODY'S WHISTLING.
- ALSO IT'S GETTING HOT IN HERE.
IT'S GETTING KINDA AWFUL HOT.
- YEAH.
- OH, OH, LET'S GET OUTTA
HERE BEFORE WE GET ROASTED.
- WHICH WAY?
- OH, COME NOW.
- NOW WHAT?
- NOW WE HEAD
FOR OUTSIDES-VILLE.
- YOU KNOW WE GOT WAITING FOR
US WHEN WE GET TO OUTSIDES-VILLE?
- COPS?
- COPS, YEAH.
- I JUST HAD ANOTHER
BRILLIANT IDEA,
NAMELY INSIDES-VILLE.
- WE STAY HERE?
- GOOD THINKING. YOU
SURE GOT IT UP THERE, KID.
QUICK, OPERATION
DISGUISE NOW, LET'S GO.
- OH, ONE MOMENT, GIRLS,
WHILE I BONE UP ON THIS RECIPE.
- MAYNIE, THIS IS NUTS.
THAT TEACHER IS
GONNA RECOGNIZE US.
- UH-UH, NOT HER, NOT A
CHANCE. THAT'S DR. BURKHART.
SHE DON'T SEE TOO WELL.
- SO, WHY DON'T
SHE WEAR GLASSES?
- I'LL TELL YOU WHY,
BECAUSE SHE'S STILL
LOOKING FOR A HUSBAND.
POOR OLD THING,
SHE'S 35 YEARS OLD
AND STILL HOPING.
- POOR OLD THING.
- LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU.
CHICKS MIGHT GET OLD BUT
THEY NEVER GIVE UP TRYING.
LET'S GO.
- ALL RIGHT, GIRLS.
TAKE YOUR PLACES.
WE'RE ABOUT TO BEGIN.
- SEE, WHAT DID I TELL
YOU? BLIND AS A BAT.
- ALL RIGHT, MY
YOUNG HOMEMAKERS,
AND I USE THE TERM
LOOSELY, LET US PROCEED.
NOW, I WILL READ THE
RECIPE STEP BY STEP.
AND BELIEVE ME, I
WILL BE AS SURPRISED
AND INTERESTED AS YOU.
FIRST, SEPARATE FOUR EGGS.
THAT IS TO SAY YOU SEPARATE
THE YOLKS FROM THE WHITES.
NOW, ADD HALF A CUP OF BUTTER.
ADD HALF A CUP OF WALNUTS.
NOW, TAKE YOUR SIFTER.
- YOU GOT A SIFTER?
- NO, BUT I GOT A
BROTHER IN CLEVELAND.
- BEAT THE CONTENTS
OF THE BOWL VIGOROUSLY.
- GIRLS, GIRLS, THAT
IS ENOUGH HORSEPLAY.
NOW, POP IN TO OVEN.
- WOULD YOU MIND REPEATING THAT?
- I SAID, POP IN TO OVEN.
- IT'S TOO SMALL FOR ME,
DUNKIE, YOU BETTER GO.
- RIGHT.
- SET THE OVEN AT 325.
- IS THAT THE KIND OF
MANNERS THEY TEACH YOU
AT S. PETER PRYOR?
- AND WHO, SIR, MIGHT YOU BE?
- WELL, I MIGHT BE MARCEL
MARCEAU, BUT I AIN'T.
- MR. G.!
- MAYNARD.
[SCREAMING]
- OH, IT'S MR. G. I MEAN,
IT'S THE GHOST OF MR. G.
HE'S COME TO HAUNT ME
LIKE IN THE LATE, LATE SHOW.
OH, GEE, I'M SORRY,
MR. G. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
I DIDN'T MEAN IT, PLEASE.
- MAYNARD, WERE HAVE YOU
BEEN, AND WHERE IS DUNCAN?
WE'VE BEEN LOOKING
ALL OVER FOR YOU TWO.
- PLEASE, MR. GHOST.
- I AM NOT A GHOST!
- THEN HOW COME YOU'RE
SO PASTY AND GHOSTY?
- MAYNARD, I'M
FOR REAL. PINCH ME.
- IF YOU DON'T MIND
I'D RATHER PINCH HER
OR HER OR HER.
- YOU ARE GROWING
UP, MAYNARD, BUT LATER.
NOW, GO ON, PINCH ME.
SEE THERE? PINCH,
GO ON, I'M FOR REAL.
PINCH ME, GO ON,
PINCH, PINCH, PINCH.
STOP! NOW WHERE'S DUNKIE?
- OH, NO, I AIN'T
SQUEALING. DUNKIE WHO?
- YOU KNOW WHO.
- OH, WHAT YOU GONNA DO TO HIM?
- WHAT WOULD I DO TO MY
BELOVED NEPHEW DUNKIE?
- DUNKIE WHO?
- MAYNARD, THEY'RE GONNA
THROW ME BACK IN JAIL.
- DUNKIE WHO?
- EXCUSE ME, DO YOU
SMELL SOMETHING BURNING?
- DUNKIE WHO?
- OVER HERE, DR. BURKHART.
[SCREAMING]
- OH, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, BOY?
- ARE YOU?
- OF COURSE I AM. ARE YOU?
- FINE.
- OH, MY DEAR, SWEET, DARLING,
LOVABLE NEPHEW DUNKIE.
- DUNKIE WHO?
- WELL, HERE IT
IS, THE WINDFALL.
I MEAN, THE LETTER FROM
MY BROTHER TIMOTHY
AND I WANNA SAY
RIGHT HERE AND NOW
THAT ALL OF THE WONDERFUL
THINGS I HAVE DONE FOR DUNCAN,
I HAVE DONE OUT OF THE
GOODNESS OF MY HEART,
WITH NO THOUGHT WHATSOEVER
FOR THE FEW, LOUSY,
LITTLE OIL WELLS HIS
FATHER IS GOING TO GIVE ME
FOR TAKING SUCH KIND
AND LOVING CARE OF HIS SON.
- MR. G., AIN'T THAT ENVELOPE
AWFUL SMALL TO HOLD AN OIL WELL?
- NO, MAYNARD, WHAT
UNCLE TIM IS SENDING DAD
ARE STOCK CERTIFICATES
FOR THE OIL WELLS.
- SON, DON'T TRY
TO EXPLAIN IT TO HIM.
ANYBODY WHO IS
SUCH A LAME BRAIN,
THAT HE CAN'T GET
IT THROUGH HIS HEAD
THAT YOU CANNOT
SEND OIL IN A LETTER.
- OH, FOR JOY, FOR JOY,
WHAT AN AGE WE LIVE IN.
- 30-WEIGHT. MUCH
BETTER THAN 10.
- BE MY GUEST.