The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 4, Episode 10 - Strictly for the Birds - full transcript

The latest object of Dobie's affections is the very patriotic Betsy Dolly Martha Trueblood, who is named after three of the most famous women in American political history. She won't give Dobie the time of day because she feels he doesn't care or know enough about his country. The only way he can prove to her to her satisfaction that he has an interest in and knowledge about the subject is to take Dr. Burkhart's American History class, which will be no easy task as Dr. Burkhart is known as a tough teacher who in turn knows Dobie. However, Dr. Burkhart will let both Dobie and Maynard enroll in her class if they can pass the entrance exam to be taken immediately. Knowing nothing about American history, Dobie devises a way to cheat so that he and Maynard can pass the exam. His plan involves a fake case of appendicitis, and a myna bird. The plan doesn't come off quite as Dobie envisions, but the plan may unwittingly still work because of animal loving Maynard.

- SCALPEL.
- SCALPEL.

- SUTURE.
- SUTURE.

- SPONGE.
- SPONGE.

- NURSE, GIVE ME ANOTHER SPONGE.

THIS ONE'S A MISERABLE,
SCROUNGIE, BEAT-UP MESS.

- YOU RANG?

- GREAT SCOTT! WHAT BUTCHER
OPERATED ON THAT FACE?

I'VE NEVER SEEN SUCH A BOTCHED
UP JOB OF PLASTIC SURGERY.

- HO HO HO, THE
LAUGHING'S ON YOU, DOC,

I ALWAYS LOOK THIS WAY.

- MY SYMPATHY TO YOUR PARENTS.



- FLATTERER.

- NURSE, PREPARE TO
ADMINISTER THE ANESTHETIC

SO WE CAN REMOVE
THE PATIENT'S APPENDIX.

- YES, DOCTOR.

- AND GET RID OF THOSE
TOYS HE BROUGHT IN HERE.

THIS IS AN OPERATING
ROOM, NOT A NURSERY.

- YES, DOCTOR.
- HEY, HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, NO, NO, DON'T TAKE AWAY MY
GOOD LUCK CHARMS OR I'LL CRY,

I'LL CRY!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
IF YOU'RE GONNA DO IT

I'M GONNA REPORT
YOU TO BEN CASEY.

- WAIT A MINUTE.

HOW CAN I POSSIBLY REMOVE
THIS PATIENT'S APPENDIX?

- OH, THERE'S NOTHING TO
IT, DOC. ALL YOU GOTTA DO



IS PUT ON YOUR MASK
AND MEAN EXPRESSION

AND START WHITTLING.

- LOOK AT THAT SCAR.

THIS PATIENT'S APPENDIX
HAS ALREADY BEEN TAKEN OUT.

- YEAH, ABOUT THREE
OR TWO YEARS AGO.

OH, MAN, THAT KNIFE TICKLED.

- I'M EXPECTED TO
TAKE OUT AN APPENDIX

THAT'S ALREADY BEEN TAKEN
OUT? THIS IS HUMILIATING.

- WELL, IF IT'LL MAKE
YOU ANY HAPPIER

YOU CAN TAKE OUT MY TONSILS.

I GOT SEVERAL OF THEM.

[JAZZ THEME]

- QUESTION: WHY WAS MY
FRIEND MAYNARD G. KREBS

GETTING OPERATED ON
TO REMOVE AN APPENDIX

THAT HAD ALREADY BEEN REMOVED?

ANSWER, YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

YOU SEE, THE WHOLE
MESS BEGAN WITH A BIRD

AND AN ENCHANTING GIRL
WITH THREE FIRST NAMES,

BETSY DOLLEY MARTHA TRUEBLOOD.

THAT'S RIGHT. BETSY
DOLLEY MARTHA,

THE MOST PATRIOTIC
DISH TO HIT TOWN

SINCE THE BOSTON TEA PARTY.

AND MUCH TASTIER

AND SHE HAS JUST
MADE A SERIOUS DECISION

ABOUT THE MAN IN HER LIFE.

- GET OUT OF IT AND STAY THERE.

- BUT WHY, BETSY MY BELOVED?
GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON.

- YOU'RE UNINFORMED,
UNENLIGHTENED,

SHALLOW, EMPTY-HEADED
AND SCATTERBRAINED.

- ALL RIGHT, GIVE ME
TWO GOOD REASONS.

- DOBIE, YOU'RE A VERY NICE
BOY WITH MANY FINE QUALITIES,

MOST OF WHICH ESCAPE
ME FOR THE MOMENT,

BUT YOUR BRAIN SIMPLY
DOESN'T STACK UP TO MINE.

- NEITHER DOES THE
REST OF HIM. WHAT I SAID.

- NOW JUST A MINUTE, BETSY,
I'M NOT SUCH A BIG DUMBBELL.

- TRUE, YOU'RE MORE LIKE
A MEDIUM-SIZED DUMBBELL.

- MAYNARD, BUTT OUT.

- DOBIE, I DIDN'T
SAY YOU WERE DUMB.

IT'S JUST THAT YOUR MIND
HAS NEVER BEEN AWAKENED.

HAVE YOU ONCE USED IT

TO STUDY THE GLORIOUS
HISTORY OF OUR COUNTRY?

WHAT DO YOU KNOW
OF THE STIRRING EVENTS

THAT HAVE MADE
THIS NATION GREAT?

- NOTHING, HE'S GOT THE
FLUNK MARKS TO PROVE IT.

- MAYNARD, I HEAR YOUR MOTHER
CALLING YOU AND GOODBYE.

- NO, I'D RATHER STAY
HERE AND EAVESDROP.

- BETSY, HOW COME
YOU'RE SO BUGGED

ON THIS AMERICAN HISTORY JAZZ?

- WELL, FOR OPENERS,
16 OF MY ANCESTORS

LANDED ON PLYMOUTH ROCK.

- ALL THEM ON ONE LITTLE
ROCK? MAN, WHAT A MOB.

- I WAS TAUGHT TO RESPECT
THOSE HEROIC FIGURES

WHO BUILT OUR COUNTRY,

ESPECIALLY THE WOMEN.

WHY DO YOU THINK MY PARENTS
NAMED ME BETSY DOLLEY MARTHA?

- BEATS ME.

- I WAS NAMED AFTER BETSY
ROSS, DOLLEY MADISON

AND MARTHA WASHINGTON.

CAN YOU THINK OF THREE
MORE OUTSTANDING WOMEN?

- NO, I GUESS NOT.
- ME NEITHER,

BUT THEN WHAT DO I KNOW?
- I'LL BUY THAT.

BETSY, MY SWEET, I
AM, NEEDLESS TO SAY,

TERRIBLY IMPRESSED
BY YOUR PATRIOTISM

BUT WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO

WITH THE WAY YOU
KEEP TRYING TO DUMP ME?

- IT'S VERY SIMPLE, THE
ONLY MAN I COULD EVER LOVE

IS ONE WHO FEELS AS DEEPLY
AND STRONGLY ABOUT OUR COUNTRY

AS I DO. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

- DOES THIS ANSWER
YOUR QUESTION?

♪ YANKEE DOODLE WENT
TO TOWN RIDING ON A PONY ♪

- THAT'S A STEP IN
THE RIGHT DIRECTION

BUT YOU'LL HAVE
TO DO A LOT MORE.

- BUT OF COURSE... ♪ STUCK
A FEATHER IN HIS HAT ♪

AND CALLED IT MACA... ♪
- DOBIE, THAT'S NOT EXACTLY

WHAT I HAD IN MIND.

- WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU, GIRL?

YOU GOT SOMETHING AGAINST
GOOD OLD AMERICAN SINGING?

- NO, MAYNARD, IT'S JUST...
- WELL, WE KNOW WHAT TO DO

WITH RATS LIKE YOU. I GOT
HALF A MIND TO REPORT YOU

TO THE F.O.B.
- MAYNARD.

- B.V.D.?
- LISTEN.

- P.D.Q.?
- MAYNARD.

- E.N.T.?
- MAYNARD, IT'S F.B.I.

AND YOU'VE GOT
THIS ALL MIXED UP.

- YOU'RE ALL HEART
AND A GREAT AMERICAN.

YOU GOT A DIME SO I CAN
PHONE UP AND REPORT YOU,

YOU LOWDOWN RAT?
- MAYNARD, ENOUGH.

- PATRIOTIC SONGS ARE FINE

BUT IF YOU REALLY
WANNA PROVE YOURSELF

YOU'LL BUCKLE DOWN AND
DEVOTE SERIOUS STUDY

TO AMERICAN HISTORY.

- I'LL DO IT.
- GOOD.

YOUR FIRST
ASSIGNMENT IS TO ENROLL

IN DR. BURKHART'S
AMERICAN HISTORY CLASS.

- I CAN'T DO IT.

- THEN GOODBYE
FOREVER, FOUR FLUSHER.

- WAIT, BETSY, MY RED,
WHITE AND BLUE ANGEL.

I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU
ASK, BUT DR. BURKHART?

- OLD FLUNK-'EM-FIRST-AND-ASK-
QUESTIONS-LATER BURKHART?

- SHE'S A KILLER. LAST
TERM SHE FAILED 32 KIDS,

AND THAT WASN'T EASY BECAUSE
THERE WERE ONLY 31 IN THE CLASS.

- NEVER MIND THE ALIBIS.

YOU AND I ARE ALL WASHED
UP UNLESS YOU ENROLL

IN DR. BURKHART'S
CLASS AND PASS IT.

- THAT'S WHAT YOU OUGHT
TO DO, DOBE. PASS IT.

PASS IT RIGHT BY.
- NOT ON YOUR LIFE.

IF BETSY WANTS A BRILLIANT
STUDENT OF AMERICAN HISTORY,

BETSY'S GONNA GET A BRILLIANT
STUDENT OF AMERICAN HISTORY.

- YEAH? WHERE WE GONNA FIND ONE?

- I'LL...

I'LL ZOOM THROUGH
DR. BURKHART'S CLASS

LIKE AN EXPRESS TRAIN AND
NOTHING'S GONNA STOP ME.

I REPEAT, NOTHING.

- MR. GILLIS, I'VE STUDIED YOUR
SCHOOL RECORD AND IT'S NOTHING.

- IF YOU THINK DOBE'S
MARKS ARE BAD

YOU OUGHT TO SEE MINE,

THEY'RE 24 POINTS
BELOW IMPOSSIBLE.

- I KNOW, MR. KREBS,

SINGLE-HANDEDLY YOU'VE
ALMOST TURNED THIS COLLEGE

INTO A PARKING LOT.

- WELL, EVERYBODY'S
GOT TO DO HIS PART.

- RAWK! DO HIS
PART, DO HIS PART.

- BE PATIENT, BINKY DEAR,
MOTHER WILL FEED YOU SOON.

- FEED YOU SOON, FEED YOU SOON.

- HEY, YOU TALK PRETTY
GOOD FOR A BIRD,

EVEN BETTER THAN ME.

- WHO DON'T? WHO DON'T? AWK!

- YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT.

- MR. KREBS, SHALL WE
DROP THE BATTLE OF WITS

BETWEEN YOU AND THE BIRD?

- YEAH, WHILE I'M STILL AHEAD.

- DR. BURKHART, PLEASE,

YOU'VE GOTTA LET US ENROLL IN
YOUR AMERICAN HISTORY CLASS.

IT'S A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH.
- MAYBE BOTH.

- MR. GILLIS, WHY ARE YOU
SUDDENLY SO FASCINATED

BY AMERICAN HISTORY,

AND OH, WHAT A FOOLISH QUESTION.

WHAT'S HER NAME?
- NO, DR. BURKHART,

THIS HAS ABSOLUTELY
NOTHING TO DO WITH A GIRL.

- OOH, YOU'RE A BIG LIAR.
- MAYNARD.

- HER NAME IS TESSIE BLUEBLOOD

AND SHE'S A PARROT
AND YOU'RE A BIG LIAR.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S BETSY
TRUEBLOOD, SHE'S A PATRIOT

AND I'LL THANK YOU
TO STAY OUT OF IT.

- YOU'RE WELCOME, YOU BIG LIAR.

- MR. GILLIS, I CAN UNDERSTAND

HOW ROMANCE HAS
SOFTENED YOUR BRAIN

AND ENCOURAGED YOU
TO TAKE THIS DARING STEP,

BUT MR. KREBS, HOW ABOUT YOU?

- YEAH, HOW ABOUT ME?

- THAT'S THE MOST WIDELY
DISCUSSED QUESTION ON CAMPUS,

OUTRANKING FOOTBALL, BASKETBALL

AND HOW TO GRADUATE
WITHOUT EVERY STUDYING,

BUT SPECIFICALLY I REFER
TO YOUR UNEXPECTED DESIRE

TO ENROLL IN MY CLASS.

THERE MUST BE AN EXPLANATION.

- OKAY, LET'S HAVE IT.

- MR. KREBS, YOU WILL
EITHER ANSWER THE QUESTION

OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES,

NAMELY A ONE-WAY TRIP
TO THE DEAN'S OFFICE.

- I GOES WHERE DOBE GOES,

I MEAN, WE'RE,
LIKE, INSEPARABLE,

I MEAN, I'M LIKE A PARASITE.

- YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.

- I GOES WHERE DOBE GOES.
- NEVER MIND.

- OH, BOYS, I'M DEAD SURE I'M
GOING TO HATE MYSELF FOR THIS

BUT I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A CHANCE.

NOW I KNOW THAT I HAVE A
REPUTATION FOR BEING, UM,

SHALL WE SAY, STRICT AND SEVERE?

- SHALL WE SAY MEAN AND ROTTEN?

I CAN SEE YOU TALKING.

- WELL, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU

THAT I'M NOT SO BAD AS THEY SAY.

- YOU COULDN'T BE.

- THANK YOU, MR. KREBS.

WHAT I'M GOING TO DO IS GIVE
YOU SPECIAL ENTRANCE EXAM.

NOW, IF YOU PASS IT I WILL
ACCEPT YOU IN MY CLASS.

- OH, THANK YOU,
DR. BURKHART, THANK YOU.

- YOU'RE A GREAT
AMERICA, DR. B.,

LIKE ABRAHAM
LINCOLN OR DICK TRACY.

- PLEASE, MR. KREBS, A SIMPLE
THANK YOU WILL SUFFICIENT

AND DON'T BE SO HASTY.

I MERELY SAID THAT I
WOULD GIVE YOU THE EXAM.

- OH, GOOD.

- YOU STILL HAVE TO PASS IT.

- OH, BAD.

- YES, HOW ABOUT THAT?

WELL, I HAVE TEACH
A CLASS NEXT DOOR,

SO I'M GOING TO LEAVE YOU
HERE TO TAKE THE EXAM ALONE.

- ALONE?
- HERE?

- HERE?
- ALONE?

- WELL, OF COURSE.

IS THAT ALL RIGHT WITH YOU?

- Both: YEAH!

- I FEEL NO CONCERN
ABOUT IT BECAUSE I KNOW

THAT YOU'RE BOTH
HONORABLE YOUNG MEN.

- Both: YEAH!

- WHO I COULD TRUST TO
THE END OF THE EARTH.

- Both: YEAH!
- AND WHO WOULD

NEVER DREAM OF CHEATING.

- Both: YEAH!

- SO PUT YOUR HANDS
UP, I'M GONNA FRISK YOU.

- Both: YEAH.
- YOU KNOW, DR. B,

IT'S REAL HEARTWARMING
TO BE TRUSTED.

- EXCEPT FOR THIS
PETRIFIED FROG YOU'RE CLEAN.

- AND THEN YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE
US ALONE TO TAKE THE EXAM?

- WHY NOT? THE TEXTBOOKS

HAVE BEEN REMOVED
FROM THE SHELVES,

THE TELEPHONE IS DISCONNECTED,

THE LOCK ON THE
DOOR IS UNBREAKABLE,

AND YOU'LL BE IN
FLUNKSVILLE BEFORE ME.

TA-TA, STUDENTS, DON'T
TAKE ANY WOODEN ANSWERS.

[LOCK CLICKS]

- GOOD BUDDY, I GOT
A WAY OUT OF THIS

THAT'S A STOVEPIPE CINCH.
- NO, MAYNARD,

I DON'T BELIEVE IN HARI-KARI.

- YEAH, I ATE SOME
OF THAT STUFF ONCE

AND HALF AN HOUR LATER
I WAS HUNGRY AGAIN.

MAYBE WE CAN WIGGLE
OUT OF THE EXAM

WITHOUT CHEATING ANYHOW.

THIS FIRST QUESTION
DON'T LOOK TOO HARD.

- OH? READ IT, READ IT.

- "WHAT IS YOUR NAME?"

- WELL, THEY'VE GOT TO
GET EASIER AFTER THAT.

- FOR INSTANCE, "WHAT WAS
LINCOLN'S GETTYSBURG ADDRESS?"

- I DON'T KNOW. I'D HAVE TO LOOK
IT UP IN THE TELEPHONE BOOK.

"WHAT WERE THE PRIMARY
AND SECONDARY CAUSES

"OF THE ECONOMIC
RECESSION OF 1886

"WITH SPECIAL REFERENCE
TO THE FI-DO, FI-DO..."

- FIDUCIARY.
- YEAH,

"PRACTICES OF THE
FEDERAL BANKING SYSTEM?"

MAN, SHE REALLY
IS MEAN AND ROTTEN.

- AWK! MEAN AND ROTTEN,
MEAN AND ROTTEN!

- PIPE DOWN, YOU DUMB BIRD.

- DUMB BIRD, DUMB BIRD.

- GREAT. THAT'S ALL WE NEED
A LOUDMOUTH, UNDERSIZED,

SEAGULL WITH...

MAYNARD. MAYNARD, I'VE
JUST GOT A GREAT IDEA.

- WE TAKE THE BIRD HOME FOR
DINNER AND SHE'S THE DINNER?

- IT'S AN IDEA ABOUT HOW
WE'RE GONNA PASS THIS EXAM.

WE'LL GET A LITTLE BIRD
TO TELL US THE ANSWERS.

- BINKY? I DON'T KNOW,

SHE DON'T LOOK TOO BRIGHT TO ME.

- AWK! LOOK WHO'S
TALKING, KNOTHEAD.

- NO, NOT BINKY. WE'LL
BUY OUR OWN MYNAH BIRD

AND WE'LL TEACH IT EVERY ANSWER
IN THE BOOKS, GOOD THINKING?

- GOOD THINKING. YOU
SURE GOT IT UP HERE, DOBE.

- AND THEN WE'LL
TAKE IT ALONG WITH US

THE NEXT TIME WE TAKE THIS
EXAM AND WE WHIZ THROUGH IT,

GOOD THINKING?
- BAD THINKING.

YOU JUST LOST IT UP HERE, DOBE.
- HEY, MAYNARD...

- ON ACCOUNT OF WE'RE NOT
GONNA TAKE ANOTHER EXAM. THIS IS IT.

WE'RE TAKING IT RIGHT NOW.

- WE WERE TAKING IT
NOW BUT WE HAD TO STOP

WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN
YOU GOT VERY SICK.

- I DID? WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?

- YOU GOT A SUDDEN ATTACK.

- OF RIGOR MORTIS?

- OF APPENDICITIS.
- OOH, THAT'S EVEN WORSE.

- HOLD IT.
- OKAY.

- MAYNARD, NOT YOUR
HEAD, HOLD YOUR APPENDIX.

- MY ARMS AIN'T LONG ENOUGH.
- WHAT?

- THEY WON'T REACH TO CLEVELAND.

- WHY SHOULD THEY
REACH TO CLEVELAND?

- BECAUSE THAT'S
WHERE MY APPENDIX IS,

IN A BOTTLE IN A HOSPITAL.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

YOU'RE JUST GONNA PRETEND
YOU GOT APPENDICITIS.

NOW MOAN.

- OOH, OW, OW, OW.
- LOUDER.

- OW! OW! OW!

- DR. BURKHART!
DR. BURKHART! HELP!

SOMETHING'S HAPPENED
TO MAYNARD. DR. BURKHART!

- ALAS AND ALACK AND WOE IS ME.

- DR. BURKHART!
- WHAT IS IT, MR. GILLIS?

WHAT'S WRONG?
- IT'S MAYNARD.

- OOH, OOH, OOH.

- ALL OF A SUDDEN HE
GOT THIS TERRIBLE PAIN.

I'M AFRAID IT'S HIS APPENDIX.

- OH, THIS COULD BE DANGEROUS.

- YEAH, OO-OOH, OOH, OOH.

OOH. AAH!
- I BETTER GET A DOCTOR.

- NO, DR. BURKHART,
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

ALL MAYNARD NEEDS IS A
FEW DAYS REST AT HOME.

- OH, WE CAN'T TAKE CHANCES.
WE'RE RUSHING HIM TO A HOSPITAL.

- YEAH, YEAH, DON'T
TAKE NO CHANCES.

RUSH ME TO A HOSPITAL.

- YEAH, BUT HE...
BUT I... BUT WE...

- WE CAN'T TAKE CHANCES. A
BURST APPENDIX COULD BE FATAL.

- FATAL?
- YES,

THAT MEANS IT COULD KILL YOU.

- OH, OH, CALL ME A
DOCTOR! CALL ME A DOCTOR!

- YOU KEEP AN EYE ON HIM.

I'M GOING TO GO
AND GET A DOCTOR.

- OH!

- AND THAT'S HOW COME MAYNARD
HAD HIS APPENDIX TAKEN OUT,

TWICE, FOR THE
SECOND TIME IN HIS LIFE

MAYNARD HAD MADE
MEDICAL HISTORY.

THE FIRST TIME WAS
WHEN HE WAS BORN.

BUT HE RECOVERED RAPIDLY

AND I'M HAPPY TO REPORT
HIS SACRIFICE WAS NOT IN VAIN.

DR. BURKHART SAID WE
COULD TAKE THE EXAM AGAIN

AND IT WAS ON TO
OPERATION MYNAH BIRD.

[BARKING, MEOWING]

- SIR?

SIR, WE NEED A MYNAH
BIRD WITH A QUICK MIND,

A FANTASTIC MEMORY

AND A SENSATIONAL INTELLECT.
- LIKE ME.

- BOYS, YOU'VE COME
TO THE RIGHT PLACE.

I'VE GOT EXACTLY THE
BIRD YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.

- NO.
- YES, HE'S AN ABSOLUTE GENIUS.

SHREWD, FAST
THINKING, BRILLIANT.

- AWK! YOU RANG?

- I... I DON'T KNOW.

YOU LOOK, KIND OF,
UNBRIGHT TO ME, WALDO.

- THE NAME'S ARTHUR AND
LOOK WHO'S TALKING, MEATHEAD.

- AND A GREAT JUDGE
OF CHARACTER, TOO.

I'LL TAKE HIM.
- YOU WON'T REGRET IT, SON.

HE'S A FINE ONE-OWNER BIRD.

THE ONLY OTHER PERSON
HE EVER BELONGED TO

WAS A LITTLE OLD
LADY IN PASADENA

WHO NEVER LET HIM TALK
MORE THAN 20 WORDS A MINUTE.

- HOW MUCH YOU WANT FOR HIM?
- MAKE ME AN OFFER.

- $10.
- $10?

FOR A BIRD WITH A MIND
LIKE DR. SCHWEITZER

AND A VOICE LIKE ELVIS PRESLEY?

- AWK! $10, I WON'T EVEN HICCUP.

- HOW'S $12?
- RIDICULOUS.

YOU'LL HAVE TO OFFER
ME A LOT MORE THAN 12.

- OKAY, $11.

- $15, AND THAT'S
POSITIVELY MY TOP OFFER.

- $35, AND THAT'S POSITIVELY
MY BOTTOM OFFER.

- TOO MUCH. LET'S FORGET IT.

- AWK! NOT SO FAST,
BUSTER. TRY HIM AT $20.

- ALL RIGHT, $20.

- SOLD.
- GREAT.

- FOR $25.
- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!

- OKAY, 27.50.

- HEY, HOLD IT.
- 30.

- 40.
- MAYNARD!

- I'M JUST GOING ALONG
WITH THE CHISELING.

- $25. TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.

- TAKE IT, TAKE IT! THE KID'S
GOT A STUPID, LOVABLE FACE.

- ALL RIGHT, ARTHUR. IF
THAT'S THE WAY YOU WANT IT.

THAT'LL BE 30 BUCKS.

- 25.
- 40!

- 45.
- ARTHUR,

YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE ON MY SIDE.

- AWK! OOPS, SORRY,
I GOT CARRIED AWAY.

- THAT'S BETTER.
IT'S A DEAL FOR $30.

- AWK! HEY, GROOVY, MAN.
LIKE, UH, TAKE ME HOME.

- OOH, I HERE MY PEOPLE TALKING.
HEY, THIS BIRD IS ONE OF US.

- MAYNARD, I'VE BEEN
WAITING FOR YOU.

WE'VE GOT AN AWFUL LOT
OF STUFF TO TEACH ARTHUR

BEFORE THE EXAM FRIDAY.

- NO, DOBE.
- NO, DOBE?

- LIKE, RIGHT. I'VE BEEN
THINKING ABOUT THIS REAL GOOD

AND IT AIN'T NICE FOR
US TO TURN ARTHUR

INTO A DIS-LEGAL CRIMINAL.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S ILLEGAL,

AND WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- WE'RE GONNA ASK ARTHUR
TO HELP US CHEAT ON A TEST,

TRUE?
- TRUE BUT...

- OBJECTION OVER-RILED.

AND CHEATING ON
A TEST IS DIS-LEGAL

AND AGAINST THE LAW, TRUE?

- TRUE BUT...
- OBJECTION OVERWHELMED.

WHAT WE'RE DOING
IS TURNING ARTHUR

INTO A DIS-LEGAL CRIMINAL.

I KNOW THAT'S ILLEGAL
AND I REST MY CASE.

YOU MAY CROSS
EXAMINE, COUNSELOR.

- JUST MY LUCK HE
WATCHES "PERRY MASON."

NOW, LOOK, MAYNARD, IF
ARTHUR DOESN'T HELP US,

WE FLUNK AND WE
HAVE TO GO TO WORK

AND IT'S BYE-BYE TO
THE SOFT, EASY LIFE

AND I REST MY CASE.

- DOBE.
- YES, MAYNARD?

- I SURE HOPE THAT
ARTHUR'S A FAST LEARNER.

- NOW YOU'RE
TALKING. NOW, LET'S...

ARTHUR!

MAYNARD, WHERE'S ARTHUR?

WHAT'D YOU DO WITH
HIM? WHERE'S ARTHUR?

- ARTHUR, WHEREFORE
ART THOU, ARTHUR?

- ARTHUR! ARTHUR! WHERE IS HE?

WE'RE DOOMED, DOOMED,
MAYNARD, DOOMED!

- ARTHUR!
- WHERE'S ARTHUR?

ARTHUR! ARTHUR, COME BACK!

ARTHUR! ARTHUR, COME BACK!

HEY, ARTHUR!
- ARTHUR, COME BACK!

COME BACK AND WE'LL GIVE
YOU WHATEVER YOU WANT TO EAT

FOR YOUR LITTLE TUMMY.
I MEAN, CHEESEBURGERS

AND MALTS AND POPCORN.

HEY, ARTHUR!

HEY, DOBE, I JUST REMEMBERED,

ARTHUR AIN'T LOST. HE'S
COMING OVER BY WING.

- ALONE?
- YEAH,

HE DIDN'T WANNA COME WHEN I
CAME. HE WAS STILL WATCHING TV.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
- NO, THAT'S TELEVISION.

HE WAS JUST SITTIN RIGHT THERE...
- NO, I MEAN, HE'LL GET LOST.

- NO, DON'T WORRY, DOBE.
DON'T FRET YOUR SKULL.

I'LL JUST GIVE MY
SUPER-SECRET SECRET WHISTLE.

[WHISTLES]

- AWK! HELLO THERE.

- SEE? LIKE, HI THERE,
LITTLE FEATHERY FOWL.

- MAN, THEM TV COMMERCIALS
WAS THE GREATEST

AND HERE'S TODAY'S SPECIAL
BY THE HAPPY HUNGARIAN,

A FIVE-DOOR SEDAN.

- KNOCK OFF THE
FLOOR SHOW, ARTHUR.

YOU'VE GOT TO LEARN
THESE ANSWERS.

NOW, LISTEN CAREFULLY.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, OUR
THIRD PRESIDENT, 1743 TO 1826,

WROTE DECLARATION
OF INDEPENDENCE.

ARTHUR, TAKE IT.

- AWK! THOMAS JEFFERSON,

THIRD PRESIDENT, 1743 TO 1826,

WROTE DECLARATION
OF INDEPENDENCE.

ARTHUR TAKE IT.

- NOT THAT PART OF IT.

- UH, AUTHORIZED
LOUISIANA PURCHASE, 1803.

- AWK! LOUISIANA PURCHASE, 1803.

- BUILT UNIVERSITY
OF VIRGINIA, 1819.

- UNIVERSITY OF VIRGINIA, 1819.

- PERFECT. MAYNARD,
DO YOU HEAR THAT?

WHAT A BRAIN.

- OH, I'D BE THAT SMART

IF ALL I HAD TO DO WAS
SCOOT AROUND ALL DAY

AND COLLECT WORMS.

COME TO THINK OF IT, I
DID IT FOR THREE WEEKS

AND MY HEAD STILL
WASN'T TOO SMART.

- AWK! QUIET! LUNKHEAD.

YOU, OTHER LUNKHEAD,
NEXT QUESTION.

- OH, UH, YEAH.

JAMES MONROE, FIFTH
PRESIDENT, 1758 TO 1831.

- HEY, DOBE, DIG
THIS COMMERCIAL.

- HURRY, HURRY! NICE,
CLEAN USED CARS,

SOME WITH ENGINES.

- MAYNARD, SHUT THAT OFF!

WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE
OF JAMES MONROE.

- MONROE? WHAT BAND
DOES HE PLAY WITH?

I NEVER HEARD OF HIM.
HE COULDN'T BE TOO HOT.

- AWK! HURRY, HURRY!

NICE, CLEAN USED CARS,
SOME WITH ENGINES.

- ARTHUR, PRESIDENT MONROE.

- AWK! HURRY, HURRY! PICK
OUT YOUR NEW USED CAR

AND PUSH IT HOME.

- ARTHUR, ENOUGH! ENOUGH!

- AWK! OKAY. BACK TO
THE DULL STUFF, WALDO.

- THAT'S BETTER.
NOW, LET'S SEE...

PRESIDENT MONROE ESTABLISHED
THE MONROE DOCTRINE IN 1823.

- MONROE DOCTRINE, 1823.

- ARTHUR, YOU'RE TREMENDOUS,

AND TO THINK SOME PEOPLE
WOULD CALL YOU A BIRDBRAIN.

- YOU RANG?
- NOT NOW, MAYNARD.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING, ARTHUR,

BETWEEN YOU AND
ME AND YOUR MEMORY

BETSY'S A CINCH TO LOOK DEEP
INTO MY LOVING, PATRIOTIC EYES

AND SAY, DOBIE GILLIS,
YOU ARE A GREAT AMERICAN.

- DOBIE GILLIS, YOU'RE A
GOOD-FOR-NOTHING BUM.

- YEAH, ME? SOAKED IN HISTORY,
STAR-SPANGLED ME, A BUM?

SURELY YOU JEST.
- DON'T BET ON IT, MISTER,

YOU SAY YOU'RE GOING
TO ZIP RIGHT THROUGH

DR. BURKHART'S EXAM TOMORROW

BUT ARE YOU HOME STUDYING? NO,

YOU'RE HERE WHISPERING SWEET,
NON-POLITICAL NOTHINGS IN MY EAR

AND THAT MEANS YOU'RE GOING
TO FLUNK AND WE'RE THROUGH.

- OH, HAVE NO FEAR, MY PET.

ALL THE ESSENTIAL FACTS
HAVE BEEN MEMORIZED

AND STORED AWAY
IN THE PROPER PLACE.

- ARE YOU SURE, DOBIE?

SOMETIMES YOU THINK
YOU KNOW SOMETHING

AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN
IT JUST SEEMS TO FLY AWAY.

- HE WOULDN'T DARE.

I MEAN, WELL, I JUST KNOW I'LL
DO BRILLIANTLY ON THAT EXAM.

- LIKE A WISE OLD OWL, HUH?

- WELL, NOT EXACTLY AN OWL,
BUT YOU'RE IN THE RIGHT FAMILY.

- I'VE GOT MY FINGERS CROSSED
FOR YOU, DOBIE DUMPLING.

WHEN YOU COME THROUGH
WITH A TOP-NOTCH GRADE

I'LL WANNA SING LIKE A BIRD.

- WHO WON'T, MY PET?

- DOBIE, YOU'RE SO
SURE AND CONFIDENT.

IS IT BECAUSE YOU'VE DEVELOPED
SOME MARVELOUS NEW TECHNIQUE

FOR PASSING THAT EXAM?

- NO, IT'S NOTHING THAT
SENSATIONAL, MY SWEET.

ALL I'M GOING TO DO
IS WING IT, JUST WING IT.

- OH, DOBIE, PASSING THAT EXAM

IS GOING TO BE SUCH A
FEATHER IN YOUR CAP.

- DOWN THROUGH THE YEARS
THE AMERICAN COLLEGE STUDENT,

CLEVER FELLOW THAT HE IS,

HAS FOUND ALL SORTS OF
INGENIOUS WAYS TO CHEAT ON EXAMS.

HE'S USED CRIB NOTES,

WRITTEN CLUES
IN HIS SHIRT CUFFS,

EVEN HIDDEN TAPE
RECORDINGS IN HIS EAR MUFFS.

BUT TODAY MAYNARD G. KREBS AND I

ARE ABOUT TO MAKE
CHEATING HISTORY.

WE FOUND THE METHOD THAT IS,

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE THE EXPRESSION,

STRICTLY FOR THE BIRDS,

BUT THERE'S STILL ONE
BIG STUMBLING BLOCK,

NAMELY DR. BURKHART.

WHAT WILL SHE SAY WHEN
WE SHOW UP FOR THE EXAM

WITH ARTHUR HOVERING OVER US.

I MEAN, YOU'VE SEEN
HOW ROUGH AND MEAN

AND HARD-HEARTED SHE IS.

- BABY-WABY, BIRDY-WORDY,
OH, ISN'T YOU A LOVELY MYNAH.

OH, I LIKES YOU, I LOVES YOU.

- I MAY BE SICK.
- MAYNARD.

DR. BURKHART, WHEN WE
SAW YOUR BEAUTIFUL BINKY

WE FELL IN LOVE WITH MYNAH BIRDS

SO WE RAN RIGHT OUT
TO GET ONE OF OUR OWN.

- WELL, I MAY HAVE
MISJUDGED YOU BOYS.

ANYONE WHO LOVES MYNAH
BIRDS CAN'T BE ALL BAD.

- OH, WE'RE CRAZY ABOUT HIM.

OH, WAITY-BABY-OOTY-WOOTIE.

- RAWK! I'M GONNA BE
SICK, I'M GONNA BE SICK!

RAWK! SICK!

- DITTO, DITTO, DITTO.

- DR. BURKHART, WHEN
WE LEAVE ARTHUR ALONE

HE SUFFERS SOMETHING AWFUL,

SO WE THOUGHT YOU WOULDN'T
MIND IF WE BROUGHT HIM ALONG.

- NOT ONLY THAT IF WE
DIDN'T BRING HIM WE'D FLUNK.

- FLUNK?
- YEAH, MAYNARD MEANS

IF WE LEFT HIM HOME

WE'D BE WORRIED AND MISERABLE.
- NO, DOBE, I DIDN'T...

- WELL, WHAT SAY WE GET
STARTED WITH THE EXAM.

DR. BURKHART, WE'RE READY.

- ALL THREE OF US.
- THREE?

- YEAH, YOU KNOW MAYNARD,
HE DOESN'T COUNT TOO GOOD.

WELL, SHALL WE BEGIN?

GOOD, WE SHALL BEGIN.

- BOYS, I WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT I'M ROOTING FOR
YOU TO MAKE GOOD.

FIGHTING AGAINST ODDS LIKE THIS

SHOWS A TRUE SPIRIT
OF INDEPENDENCE.

- INDEPENDENCE,
DECLARATION, 1776.

- ARTHUR, PIPE DOWN.

- WRITTEN BY THOMAS JEFFERSON.

- WHAT WAS THAT? ARTHUR?

- NO, IT WAS AN
ECHO. CAN'T YOU TELL?

HELLO? HELLO? LIKE HI, LIKE HI.

- OH, MR. KREBS, SIMMER DOWN.

APPARENTLY AUTHOR
PICKED UP A FEW WORDS

BY HEARING YOU BOYS STUDY.

- YEAH, VERY FEW WORDS.

- AND WE DON'T TALK
TOO MUCH, ESPECIALLY ME.

- WELL, IT'S GETTING LATE.
WE BETTER START THE EXAM.

ALL RIGHT, BOYS,
ASSUME THE POSITION.

YOU BOYS REALIZE THIS
IS MERELY A FORMALITY

BECAUSE BY NOW I KNOW
YOUR TRUE CHARACTERS.

- UH-OH.
- WELL, GOOD LUCK,

MR. KREBS, MR. GILLIS,

I'LL BE NEXT DOOR
TEACHING MY CLASS

BUT I'M SURE THAT
I CAN TRUST YOU

SO I WON'T HAVE TO KEEP CHECKING
ON YOU LIKE A PEEPING TOM.

- TOM JEFFERSON, THIRD
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED ST...

- GOOD OLD ARTHUR, HE'S
MORE FUN THAN A BARREL.

OH, YOU'RE SO SWEET AND
CUDDLY, ARTHUR. AREN'T YOU?

- AWK! AWK! AWK!

- ATTABOY, ARTHUR. I
LIKE A BIRD WITH SPIRIT.

- YEAH, HE'S GOT SPIRIT

AND I GOT A FISTFUL
OF SHORT FINGERS.

- ALL CLEAR, MAYNARD,
LET'S GET GOING.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, ARTHUR,
THOMAS JEFFERSON...

[KEY TURNS IN LOCK]

- YOU KNOW, BOYS, IT
JUST OCCURRED TO ME

THAT WHILE YOU'RE
TAKING THE EXAM

ARTHUR SHOULD HAVE
A LITTLE FRESH AIR.

- OH, NO, DR. BURKHART,
PLEASE, HE'S VERY FRAIL.

- LIKE A BIRD.
- HE'S BEEN SICK.

- HE GETS FAN MAIL
FROM VULTURES.

- OH, NONSENSE, THE
EXERCISE WILL DO HIM GOOD.

NOW, ARTHUR, MY BINKY
IS OUT THERE IN A TREE.

YOU GO AND MAKE
FRIENDS WITH HIM.

- HEY, DR. BURKHART, YOU CAN'T!

- MR. GILLIS, I DID.

OH, HE'LL BE JUST FINE.

BESIDES, I DID YOU A FAVOR.

HE'D HAVE KEPT CHATTERING
ALL THROUGH THE EXAM.

- SURE, THAT WAS THE WHOLE IDEA.
- MAYNARD.

- GO ON WITH THE EXAM. BOYS. I
APOLOGIZE FOR INTERRUPTING.

- FAT LOT OF GOOD THAT DOES.
YOU ALREADY LOUSED US UP.

- MAYNARD, QUIET.

- GOOD LUCK AND THIS
TIME I WON'T BE BACK

UNTIL YOU'RE FINISHED.

[DOOR CLOSES, KEY TURNS]

- WHY WAIT? WE'RE FINISHED NOW.

- UNFROWN YOUR HEAD, GOOD
BUDDY. I'LL GET ARTHUR BACK

WITH MY SPECIAL CALL
OF THE WILD WHISTLE.

- OH, MAYNARD...

HEY, THAT'S RIGHT. DO
YOU THINK IT'LL WORK?

- IT WORKS EVERY TIME.

[WHISTLING]

- Both: EXCEPT WHEN IT DON'T.
- YEAH.

HEY, MAYNARD, LOOK.

- OOH, HEY, WELCOME
TO PEOPLESVILLE.

LIKE, HI, LITTLE COTTONHEAD.

WHO LET YOU OUT
OF THE RABBIT HUTCH?

- MAYNARD, GET ARTHUR.

- OH, SORRY, BUGS. WRONG
WHISTLE. THERE YOU GO.

[WHISTLES]

- MY FATHER LEARNED
ME TO WHISTLE LIKE THAT.

OF COURSE HE'S NOT
TOO HAPPY ABOUT IT

BECAUSE THAT'S THE
WAY HE GOT MY MOM.

- MAYNARD, WE'VE GOT
TO GET ARTHUR BACK.

- AH-CHOO!
- GESUNDHEIT.

MAYNARD, I SAID
WHISTLE, NOT SNEEZE.

- OH, DOBE, THIS ALWAYS
HAPPENS WHEN I GET SHOOK UP.

I START SNEE-EE-EE... AH-CHOO!

- JUST CONCENTRATE
ON NOT SNEEZING.

- RIGHT, NO SNEEZY.

- GOT IT?
- GOT IT.

- NO MORE SNEEZING.

- NO MORE SNEE-EE-EE... AH-CHOO!

- WE'RE RUINED.
- I'M A FAILURE.

I CAN'T EVEN WHISTLE
LIKE THIS NO MORE.

[WHISTLES]

- MAYNARD, MAYNARD, LOOK
IT'S ARTHUR. HE HEARD YOU.

- ARTHUR?

I GUESS THIS MUST
REALLY BE ARTHUR

BECAUSE HE'S TOO
SMALL TO BE A RABBIT.

- MAYNARD, IT IS ARTHUR.
LET'S GET ON WITH THE EXAM.

- YOU'RE A BAD BOY, ARTHUR,
TAKING A FLIER LIKE THAT.

- RAWK! BABY, IT
WAS COLD OUT THERE.

- ALL RIGHT, ARTHUR,
QUESTION NUMBER ONE,

THOMAS JEFFERSON, GO.

ARTHUR?

THOMAS JEFFERSON.

ARTHUR, THOMAS JEFFERSON.

ARTHUR, YOU BETTER START TALKING

OR YOU'RE GOING TO END UP AS
A NEW ENGLAND BOILED DINNER.

- NICE BIRDY,
OOGIE-BOOGIE, INKY-DINKY.

- AWK! OOGIE-BOOGIE, INKY-DINKY.

- ATTA BIRD, NOW
QUESTION NUMBER ONE,

THOMAS JEFFERSON.

- RAWK! HURRY, HURRY,

TODAY'S HAPPY HUNGARIAN
SPECIAL, A FIVE-DOOR SEDAN.

- ARTHUR, YOU BETTER
GET BACK IN THE GROOVE.

- AWK! HEY, GROOVY, MAN.

- ARTHUR, STOP
BEING A SMART ALECK!

- AWK! HURRY, HURRY, HURRY!

NICE, CLEAN USED CARS.
SOME WITH ENGINES.

- ALL RIGHT, ARTHUR,
ENOUGH IS TOO MUCH.

- AWK! HURRY, HURRY, HURRY.

PICK OUT YOUR NEW USED CAR

AND PUSH IT HOME.

RAWK!
- MAYNARD,

WE'RE GONNA MISS ARTHUR
AROUND HERE, AREN'T WE?

- LIKE, TRUE, HE SURE WAS
A NICE BIRD, WASN'T HE?

- HEY, FELLAS!

- WHAT, ARTHUR?
- LIKE, BYE.

AWK! AWK! AWK!

- ARTHUR! ARTHUR!

AW, THAT LITTLE
MONSTER'S RUINED MY LIFE.

NOW I'LL NEVER WIN
THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS.

- OH, STOP ALREADY WITH
THAT GIRL OF MY DREAMS,

GIRL OF MY DREAMS.
- NEVER MIND THE SMART REMARKS.

MY HEART'S BROKEN.
I'M DOOMED TO MISERY.

- DOOMED TO MISERY.
DOOMED TO MISERY. AWK!

- MAYNARD, YOU'VE BEEN HANGING
AROUND THAT ROTTEN BIRD SO MUCH,

YOU'RE STARTING TO ACT LIKE HIM.

OH, WHAT A LOUSY BREAK.

NOT EVEN ONE ANSWER
ABOUT THOMAS JEFFERSON.

- AWK! THOMAS JEFFERSON,
SECOND PRESIDENT, 1741 TO 1827.

- ARTHUR! ARTHUR, YOU'VE C...

- SERVED AS
PRESIDENT 1804 TO 1811.

WROTE THE BILL OF
RIGHTS. AWWWWWK!

LOUISIANA PURCHASE, 1809,

BUILT THE UNIVERSITY
OF VIRGINIA 1835.

AWK!

FAMOUS ALSO AS
GENERAL AND MILITARY...

RAWK!

- WELL, I RACED THROUGH
THAT EXAM IN RECORD TIME.

THE BIRD ARTH... MAYNARD,

GAVE ME EVERY ANSWER
WITHOUT A MOMENT'S HESITATION

AND WHEN DR. BURKHART CAME
BACK AND CORRECTED MY PAPER

SHE WAS KIND OF SURPRISED, TOO.

- MR. GILLIS, YOUR
GRADE IS ZERO.

- WHY DID I GET A ZERO, YOU ASK?

WELL, YOU DIDN'T ASK, BUT
I'M GONNA TELL YOU ANYWAY.

THE ANSWER'S VERY SIMPLE, I SAY.

I DEPENDED TOO MUCH
ON A VERY SIMPLE BIRD,

NAMELY MAYNARD.

HE GAVE ME ALL THE ANSWERS,

AND ALL OF THEM WERE WRONG.

WHEN MAYNARD FOUND OUT
THAT HE FOULED ME UP GOOD

HE NATURALLY
TOOK IT PRETTY HARD.

- HEY, THAT'S RICH.

OOH-HOO-HOO, MAN, IS THAT RICH.

- MAYNARD, WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

- OH, HO HO HO.

- I FLUNKED THAT
AMERICAN HISTORY COURSE,

I LOST MY GIRL.

IN FACT SHE'S TRYING TO HAVE
ME DECLARED UN-AMERICAN

SO I CAN BE DEPORTED.

I'M A CINCH TO GET
KICKED OUT OF SCHOOL

AND WHEN DAD HEARS ABOUT THIS

HE'LL CUT MY ALLOWANCE
DOWN TO NOTHING.

- THAT'S WHY I'M LAUGHING,
ON ACCOUNT OF YOU DESERVE

ALL THEM BAD THINGS YOU
LOWDOWN RAT. [SNICKERS]

- MAYNARD, IF I GET
KICKED OUT OF SCHOOL

YOU WON'T LAST VERY
LONG BY YOURSELF,

TRUE?
- TRUE, BUT...

- AND IF I DON'T
GET AN ALLOWANCE

YOU WON'T HAVE ANYBODY
TO BORROW PENNIES FROM

FOR BUBBLEGUM, TRUE?
- TRUE? SO?

- SO, HO HO HO HO HO.

- DOBE.
- YES, MAYNARD?

- ALWAYS REMEMBER US TWO
LOWDOWN RATS ALWAYS GOT EACH OTHER.

- I'M AFRAID SO, MAYNARD,
- Both: I'M AFRAID SO.

AH-CHOO!