The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 4, Episode 1 - A Funny Thing Happened to Me on the Way to a Funny Thing - full transcript

A misunderstanding results in Maynard being committed to a mental hospital. Dobie is determined to bust out his good buddy by impersonating iconic television doctor Ben Casey.

- WELL, THIS DOES IT, MAYNARD.

AS SOON AS WE'VE GOT
THIS OFFICE CLEANED,

WE GOT ENOUGH
LOOT FOR BOTH OF US

TO GO TO THE CLASS STEAK FRY.

MAYNARD?

MAYNARD?

BROTHER, I MIGHT HAVE KNOWN
THIS WOULD TURN INTO A SOLO ACT.

IF THERE'S WORK TO BE DONE,

THERE'S ONE GUY WHO
ALWAYS SHOWS UP MISSING.

- YOU RANG?

- MAYNARD, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING IN THERE?



- OH, JUST TIDYING UP, DOBE.

THERE AIN'T BEEN NOBODY
IN THERE FOR MONTHS.

- YEAH, I SEE THAT. WELL,
GET OUT OF THERE, YEAH.

NICE TO BE NEAT,
BUT DON'T OVERDO IT.

WE'RE ALMOST DONE.

- RIGHT, CHIEF. IT'S BEEN
A LONG, HARD MORNING.

- YEAH.

[SIREN WAILING]

HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

- HOW DO, FRIEND?

COME ON, DOBE. LET'S
GO FINISH OUR WORK.

- HEY, MISTER. DON'T,
PLEASE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- YEAH, HE'S RIGHT.
ONE FALSE MOVE AND...

[WHISTLING]



- STAND BACK. I'M GONNA JUMP.

- HEY, NO, NO. NOW,
WAIT A MINUTE, SIR.

LET'S TALK THIS OVER.

- NO, NO. THERE'S
NOTHING TO TALK OVER.

I'VE MADE UP MY MIND.

- ON SUCH A BEAUTIFUL
DAY, YOU'RE GONNA JUMP?

BUT WHAT FOR?

- WELL, THAT'S MY
BUSINESS. NOW GET AWAY.

- BUT YOU'VE GOT TO
HAVE A REASON, SIR.

IT'S FIVE FLOORS UP.
- REASON?

IF YOUR GIRL RAN
OFF AND LEFT YOU?

- WELL, IT HAPPENS.

I'VE HAD THE EXPERIENCE
ONCE OR TWICE.

- EVERY WEEK.

- ON THE DAY BEFORE THE WEDDING?

- WELL, WOMEN GET
NERVOUS AND UNDECIDED.

- OH, SHE'S NOT
UNDECIDED ANYMORE.

SHE DECIDED ON ANOTHER MAN.
- WELL, THAT'S LIFE.

- I HAD EVERYTHING READY,
HER TROUSSEAU, SIZE 10 1/2,

THE WEDDING GOWN,
THE TRAVELING SUIT...

ALL THAT STUFF FOR THE HOUSE,

SILVERWARE, TOWELS,
SHEETS, NAPKINS, TABLECLOTHS...

- LOOK, THERE'LL
BE SOMEONE ELSE.

- IMAGINE THE DISGRACE.
I'M A LAUGHINGSTOCK.

I CAN'T FACE MY FRIENDS,
THE PEOPLE WHERE I WORK.

- WHAT DO YOU CARE
WHAT PEOPLE SAY?

- I'M A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF
YOU WERE IN MY POSITION?

- JUMP. JUMP, YEAH,
YOU'D BETTER JUMP.

- MAYNARD!

- JUMP!

YOU KNOW, YOU GOT
ENOUGH TROUBLE FOR TWO.

I THINK I'LL GO ALONG WITH YOU.

- MAYNARD, ARE YOU
OUT OF YOUR HEAD?

- COME ON, FELLA. GRAB MY HAND.

- WHAT ARE YOU?
SOME KIND OF A NUT?

- MAYNARD, YOU CUT THAT OUT.
- READY?

ONE FOR THE MONEY,
TWO FOR THE SHOW,

THREE TO GET
READY... [JAZZ THEME]

- WHAT IN THE WORLD, YOU
ASK, IS MAYNARD G. KREBS DOING

OUT ON A WINDOW
LEDGE READY TO JUMP?

YOU'VE GOT ME. IT'S
ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS.

HERE'S A YOUNG MAN WITH
EVERYTHING TO LIVE FOR,

EVERYTHING GOING FOR HIM, LOOKS,
WELL, NOT GOOD LOOKS EXACTLY.

PERSONALITY, WELL, HE'S GOT ONE,

AND THAT'S ABOUT ALL
YOU CAN SAY ABOUT IT.

BRAINS,

I DON'T KNOW WHY
I BROUGHT THAT UP.

YOU KNOW, ON SECOND THOUGHT,

MAYBE JUMPING
ISN'T SUCH A BAD IDEA.

WHAT AM I SAYING?

- 12 TO GET READY,
13 TO GET READY,

14 TO GET READY.

- LET GOT OF MY HAND.
- COME ON, LET'S GO.

- LET GO OF MY HAND.
- LET GO OF YOUR HAND?

- YOU HEARD HIM, MAYNARD.
LET GO OF HIS HAND.

- WHAT'D I DO, DOBE? SAY
SOMETHING TO MAKE HIM SORE?

- LOOK, I DON'T
KNOW WHO YOU ARE,

BUT I CAN'T LET YOU DO THIS.

- OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
- MAYNARD.

- WHAT ARE YOU GOING FOR?

- TO KEEP YOU COMPANY
ON THE WAY DOWN.

- NO. NO, IT'S NO GOOD.
- MAYNARD.

- OH, GIVE ME ANOTHER TRY.

- WELL, I AM NOT GOING
TO BE A PARTY TO THIS.

THIS IS UTTER MADNESS.

- WELL, GOOD FOR YOU, SIR.
- I AM LEAVING.

YOU KNOW, I'D GET
SOME HELP FOR HIM.

- YEAH, I WILL.
MAYNARD, YOU DID IT.

I DON'T KNOW HOW,
BUT YOU DID IT.

- WHAT'D I DO?

- YOU WERE JUST
GREAT, THAT'S ALL.

NOW GET IN HERE BEFORE
MY NERVES GO ALTOGETHER.

- I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU, DOBE.

BUT FIRST, A WORD
TO OUR LOYAL VIEWERS.

WELL, THAT'S ABOUT
IT FOR TODAY, FANS.

BUT BEFORE WE
GO, I'D LIKE TO THANK

ALL THE FOLKS THAT
MADE THIS AFTERNOON

SUCH A SMASHING SUCCESS:

THE POLICEMEN, THE
FIREMEN, THE NET CREW...

- LOOK, MAYNARD, JUST
COME IN OFF THE LEDGE.

- AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST,

EACH AND EVERY ONE
OF YOU THRILL-SEEKERS

WHO MADE THIS SUCH
A GRAND TURNOUT.

- YOU'RE MAKING ME A NERVOUS
WRECK. GET OFF THE LEDGE.

- IT'S YOUR SUPPORT
AND ENCOURAGEMENT

THAT MAKES IT WORTHWHILE
FOR US UP HERE.

- MAYNARD?
- SO ONCE AGAIN, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU FROM THE
BOTTOM OF MY HEART. OH.

OH!

LIKE, HELP!

WHOO! WHOO-HOO-HOO!

GEE, THANKS A MILLION. I
NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D CATCH ME.

- WE DID. WE DID.

- WHEN THEY GOT HIM DOWN
TO THE COLLEGE HOSPITAL,

MAYNARD EXPLAINED
HOW HE HAPPENED TO FALL

OUT OF A BUILDING.

BUT HE EXPLAINED IT SO SIMPLY,
SO CLEARLY, SO LOGICALLY

THAT THERE WAS ONLY
ONE THING THEY COULD DO,

THEY LOCKED HIM UP.

NATURALLY, HIS MANY
FRIENDS AND ADMIRERS

WERE DEEPLY
DISTRESSED AT THE NEWS.

- DAD, LISTEN.

- SON, IF THERE IS ONE
THING MAYNARD HAS GOT,

IT'S A GOOD IMAGINATION,

AND THAT'S THE
ONE THING HE'S GOT.

- THIS IS SERIOUS, DAD.
- YOU BET IT IS.

WHY, I'VE TRIED TO TELL YOU
A MILLION TIMES IT'S SERIOUS

BUT, NO, YOU JUST KEPT SAYING

HE'S SOME SORT OF A
HARMLESS ECCENTRIC.

- DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND, DAD?
HE'S IN THE COLLEGE HOSPITAL.

- IT IS YOU THAT
DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THEY ARE JUST TRYING
TO HELP THE BOY,

AND YOU WANT TO
GO AND UNLEASH HIM

ON AN UNSUSPECTING PUBLIC AGAIN.

- YOU KNOW, DOBIE, THEY
AREN'T GOING TO HURT MAYNARD.

- AU CONTRAIRE, MY
DEAR ONES, AU CONTRAIRE.

WHY, JUST THINK.

HE'S GONNA GET THREE
SQUARE, WHOLESOME,

NOURISHING MEALS A DAY.

HE'S GOING TO WEAR FRESHLY
LAUNDERED BATHROBES

WITH SMART LONG SLEEVES.

THEY'RE GONNA TEACH
HIM HANDICRAFTS.

NOW TELL ME HONESTLY,

DID YOU EVER DREAM THAT
HE WOULD WIND UP THAT GOOD?

- YOU MUST ADMIT, DEAR,
THAT MAYNARD COULD USE

A LITTLE TRAINING AND GROOMING.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT AS IF
ANYBODY WERE TRYING TO DO

SOMETHING AWFUL
TO HIM OR SOMETHING.

- OH, NO, THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT THEY'RE TRYING TO DO.

WHILE WE'RE STANDING HERE
HAVING OUR LITTLE LAUGH,

THE DEAN'S COOKING UP A
HEARING WITH THE POLICE

AND THE COLLEGE
PSYCHOLOGIST TO FIGURE OUT

IF MAYNARD OUGHT TO BE
KICKED OUT OF SCHOOL OR NOT.

- THAT'S BUREAUCRACY FOR YOU,

SPENDING THE TAXPAYERS' MONEY
ON A LOT OF NEWFANGLED RIGMAROLE

WHEN THEY COULD HAVE
SETTLED THE WHOLE THING

JUST BY DROPPING A DIME IN
A TELEPHONE AND CALLING ME.

- NOW, HERBERT, THAT'S NOT NICE.

MAYNARD MAY BE ODD,
BUT HE'S NOT THAT ODD.

- WELL, HE WILL DO
UNTIL THE REAL THING

COMES ALONG.

- YOU KNOW, DAD,
APPEARANCES ARE DECEIVING.

- MEANING EXACTLY WHAT?

- WELL, LET ME ASK YOU A
HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION.

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY ABOUT A
GUY WHO GOES AROUND ALL DAY LONG

IN OLD CLOTHES,
ACTS LIKE A PAUPER,

SCREAMS AND HOLLERS,
ACTUALLY HAS PHYSICAL PAIN

WHEN HE HAS TO
PART WITH A NICKEL,

THINKS EVERYBODY IN THE
WORLD'S OUT TO EXPLOIT HIM

AND CHEAT HIM AND MAKE
A MONKEY OUT OF HIM?

- I'D SAY LOCK HIM UP
AND THROW THE KEY AWAY.

THAT GUY NEEDS HELP.

- HERBERT, DEAR, I THINK THAT
DOBIE WAS DESCRIBING YOU.

- THAT IS JUST MY POINT. WHAT?

WHAT ARE WE STANDING
AROUND HERE FOR?

LET'S GET DOWN TO
THAT COLLEGE HOSPITAL

AND SPRING THE KID.

- SPRINGING MAYNARD
FROM THE COLLEGE HOSPITAL

SHOULDN'T BE TOO TOUGH.

I MEAN, THE HOSPITAL'S RUN

BY INTELLIGENT,
REASONABLE PEOPLE,

AND ALL WE HAVE TO
DO IS PROVE TO THEM

THAT MAYNARD'S AN ORDINARY,
NORMAL, AVERAGE YOUNG MAN.

AND ALL OF A
SUDDEN, I'M WORRIED.

MAYNARD COULD BE
STUCK IN THERE FOR LIFE.

NAH, THERE'S NO REASON TO WORRY.

MAYNARD'S A CINCH TO
BE RELEASED IMMEDIATELY.

HE'LL GET A FAIR,
IMPARTIAL HEARING

PRESIDED OVER BY DEAN MAGRUDER,

AND EVERYBODY
KNOWS DEAN MAGRUDER'S

THE SORT OF MAN WHO...

I MEAN, HE'S THE
KIND OF PERSON WHO...

WELL, THEY CALL HIM
THE HANGING DEAN.

- ALL RIGHT. THE HEARING
IS TO BE CONDUCTED

ON THE HIGHEST
POSSIBLE SCIENTIFIC LEVEL

WITH A DEVOTED
REVERENCE TO THE FACTS

AND COMPLETE ABSENCE
OF EMOTIONAL PREJUDICE.

NOW, WHICH ONE IS THE KNOTHEAD
WE'RE BOOTING OUT OF SCHOOL?

- DEAN, THE SUBJECT
IS MAYNARD G. KREBS.

- GREAT SCOTT.

WHO'S BEEN
MISTREATING THIS PATIENT?

- THIS IS HIS NORMAL APPEARANCE.

- MY SYMPATHIES TO HIS FAMILY.

WELL, ARE YOU SURE HE HASN'T
HAD SOME TERRIBLE INJURY?

- OH, QUITE SURE,

ALTHOUGH HE DID
REPORT AN EARLIER FALL.

HIS FATHER DROPPED HIM ONE
NIGHT CARRYING HIM UPSTAIRS TO BED.

BUT THE SUBJECT SAYS
THAT THERE WAS NO DAMAGE.

- CAN YOU TELL ME
HOW A LITTLE BABY'S

EXPECTED TO REMEMBER WHETHER
THERE WAS DAMAGE OR NOT?

- WELL, THIS WAS JUST
THREE WEEKS AGO, SIR.

- WELL, I KNOW IT'S A WASTE
OF TAXPAYERS' MONEY,

BUT I EXPECT YOU DID RUN A
SERIES OF PSYCHOLOGICAL TESTS

ON THIS YOUNG MAN, HUH?

- OH, YES, SIR, A
COMPLETE SERIES.

WE STARTED WITH THE
USUAL EXAMINATION

OF REFLEXES AND
PHYSICAL COORDINATION.

- YOU GONNA BELT ME
WITH THAT THING, SIR?

- NO, NO, NO. DON'T
BE FRIGHTENED.

IT'S JUST A LITTLE
RUBBER HAMMER.

WE'RE GOING TO
TEST YOUR REFLEXES.

GO AHEAD, SIMPSON.

NO HELP, MR. KREBS, PLEASE.

TRY THE OTHER KNEE, SIMPSON.

I DON'T BELIEVE I'VE EVER
SEEN ANYTHING QUITE LIKE THIS.

NOW OVER HERE, PLEASE.

NOW THIS WILL TEST YOUR
PROBLEM-SOLVING ABILITY.

- OH, FOR JOY. I LOVE GAMES.

- WELL, IF YOU WILL.

- ESPECIALLY GAMES THAT
AREN'T HARD, LIKE HOPSCOTCH.

- OH, THIS IS SIMPLE.

YOU PUT THE PEGS
IN THE PROPER HOLES

ON THE BOARD, YOU SEE?

LOOK, ROUND PEG, SQUARE
PEG. ROUND HOLE, SQUARE HOLE.

YOU SEE?

- OOH, THIS IS HARD.

- READY? BEGIN.

- WELL, I'M ALL
DONE. HOW'D I DO?

- YOU GOT TO HAND
IT TO HIM, DOCTOR.

HE AIN'T SKILLED, BUT
HE SURE IS STRONG.

- A PERFECT MISMATCH.

- OOH, WHAT'S THAT
THING? OH, THE CHAIR.

I'M GOING TO THE ELECTRIC
CHAIR FOR FAILING A PUZZLE!

- OH, NO, NO, MAYNARD.

THIS IS JUST A MACHINE
THAT MEASURES

THE POSITIVE-NEGATIVE
RELUCTANCE FACTOR

OF YOUR PERSONALITY.

IT'S HARMLESS.

- TELL THEM I, LIKE, MAINTAINED
MY INNOCENCE TILL THE END.

- DOCTOR? WHAT'S THE MATTER?

- I THINK I'M GOING TO HAVE TO
ASK FOR A LEAVE OF ABSENCE.

- INCREDIBLE.
- OH, IT'S ALL TRUE.

YOU CAN ASK THE
REST OF THE STAFF.

- THAT WON'T BE
NECESSARY, DR. LITWHILER.

OH, AND ABOUT YOUR LEAVE
OF ABSENCE, IT STARTS TODAY.

YOU'VE EARNED A
WELL-DESERVED REST.

- THANK YOU, SIR.
- DEAN, YOUR HONOR?

COULD SOMEBODY SAY A
WORD IN MAYNARD'S BEHALF?

- OH, THAT'S A BOLD IDEA, MADAM.

- WELL, I KNOW THAT MAYNARD
ISN'T VERY GOOD AT TESTS

AND GAMES OF SKILL AND ALL.

- YOU'RE ON FIRM GROUND SO FAR.

- BUT TO KNOW MAYNARD
AND TO UNDERSTAND

HIS PECULIARITIES
IS TO LOVE HIM.

WHY, JUST THE OTHER DAY,

HE WAS HELPING ME
HANG OUT A WASH.

- WATCH OUT, MRS.
G. WATCH IT. WATCH IT.

- WHAT'S THE MATTER?

- THE FLOWERS!
- WHAT?

- YOU, LIKE, TRAMPED
ON THE FLOWERS.

OH, THERE, THERE.
SHE DIDN'T MEAN IT.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S JUST GRASS.

- JUST GRASS,
SHE SAYS. LIKE, HA.

OH, THEY'RE CRYING.

- WHO'S CRYING?

- THE CROCUS BULBS,
LIKE, UNDERGROUND.

- MAYNARD, REALLY.

- OH, THAT'S OKAY, MRS. G.
THEY'RE NOT HURT, JUST MAD.

- YOU MEAN KREBS
HEARS THE FLOWERS?

- YES. UNDERGROUND.
ISN'T THAT REMARKABLE?

- OH, THAT'S THE WORD FOR
IT, ALL RIGHT. REMARKABLE.

- AND HE HAS A
SENSITIVE NOSE TOO.

WHY, MAYNARD CAN SMELL
THINGS LIKE NOBODY CAN.

- I'M SURE HE CAN, AND
THANK YOU, MRS. GILLIS.

- I REMEMBER ONCE
HERBERT LOST HIS WALLET.

OH, IT DIDN'T HAVE ANY
MONEY IN IT, OF COURSE,

JUST HIS DRIVER'S LICENSE AND
HIS LODGE MEMBERSHIP CARD.

- ALL RIGHT, MRS.
GILLIS. THANK YOU.

- AND DO YOU KNOW THAT
MAYNARD FOLLOWED HIM

ALL THE WAY TO THE
PRODUCE MARKET?

- THANK YOU, MRS. GILLIS!

- HERBERT, HE SOUNDS SO CROSS.

I DON'T THINK HE
UNDERSTOOD AT ALL.

- DON'T LET IT BOTHER YOU, DEAR.

UNCLE HERBIE IS GOING TO
TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING.

- HOW? AFTER ALL
THOSE BAD THINGS.

- TAKE A LOOK AT THE
BUTTON IN THE DEAN'S LAPEL.

- A BUFFALO?

- A BISON, LIKE ME.
A LODGE BROTHER,

AND US LODGE BROTHERS WILL
DO ANYTHING FOR EACH OTHER.

WATCH THIS.

HOWDY, BROTHER
BISON. HERB GILLIS HERE.

- WHAT'S THAT?
- HERB GILLIS,

PAST GRAND EXALTED
BULL BISON, HERD 212.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- MAYBE THIS WILL
REFRESH YOUR MEMORY.

[IMITATING BISON ROAR]

- GILLIS, YOU'RE NOT A
STUDENT IN THIS COLLEGE HERE,

BUT I THINK WE CAN HAVE
YOU ADMITTED TO OUR HOSPITAL

WITHOUT ANY TROUBLE AT ALL.

- I KNOW, BUT, I MEAN,
THE THING IN YOUR LAPEL,

YOUR HONOR.

- THAT IS MY FIRST NICKEL. I
HAD IT POLISHED AND MOUNTED.

NOW DO I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE
HERE AS A WITNESS FOR KREBS?

- YES, SIR.
- AND YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME

THAT HE'S A SOBER, SENSIBLE
CITIZEN LIKE YOURSELF?

- I BETTER NOT, HUH?

- YOU BETTER NOT.

THIS HEARING IS CLOSED.

I'LL NOW RETIRE AND
MAKE MY DECISION.

AND IT WON'T TAKE
ME LONG, I ASSURE YOU.

OH, TAKE THE ACCUSED BACK
AND WATCH HIM EVERY MINUTE.

- BYE. BYE. YOU KNOW,
HE'S A NICE FELLA...

- OH, DEAR, HERBERT!
- SWEET AND KIND AND...

- EXCUSE ME, MOM AND DAD.
I'VE GOT TO TALK TO THE DEAN.

- WE'D BETTER GET
OUT OF HERE BEFORE...

- DAD, THIS ISN'T FAIR.
THEY'RE RAILROADING MAYNARD.

SOMEBODY'S GOT TO SPEAK UP.

DR. LITWHILER?
- YES?

- IS THAT IT, SIR? IS
THAT ALL FOR MAYNARD?

- WELL, NOW YOU MUST UNDERSTAND
THAT HE'S IN EXPERT HANDS.

- YEAH, BUT I'M HIS
FRIEND. I'VE GOT TO SEE HIM.

- WELL, I'M AFRAID NOT,
NOT FOR THE PRESENT.

ONLY DOCTORS WILL
SEE HIM, ONLY DOCTORS.

- I SEE. ONLY DOCTORS,
HUH? ONLY DOCTORS.

NURSE?

- YES, DOCTOR.

- CALL THAT A SCALPEL?

- NO, DOCTOR, THAT'S A FORCEPS.

- WELL, TAKE IT BACK
AND GET IT SHARPENED!

- OKAY, DOCTOR.

- NURSE?

- YES, DOCTOR?

- GET THIS MAN INTO
SURGERY AT ONCE.

- BUT, DOCTOR, HE JUST
CAME FROM SURGERY.

THEY SET HIS LEG.

- WELL, TAKE HIM BACK
AND SET THE OTHER ONE.

WE'VE GOTTA STOP DOING THINGS
BY HALVES AROUND THIS PLACE.

- OH!
- YES, DOCTOR.

- IF YOU THINK I WAS ACTING
TOO TOUGH AND SURLY

TO CONVINCE THE
PEOPLE IN THAT HOSPITAL

THAT I WAS A DOCTOR,

THEN YOU HAVEN'T BEEN
WATCHING TELEVISION LATELY.

ACTUALLY, MY ONLY CONCERN
WAS TO FIND MAYNARD

AND GET HIM OUT OF THE
HOSPITAL AND WITHOUT DELAY.

WELL, ALMOST WITHOUT DELAY.

- DOCTOR, IT'S YOU, DOCTOR.

AND I THOUGHT I WAS
NEVER GONNA SEE YOU AGAIN.

- I'M AFRAID THERE'S
SOME MISTAKE, MADAM.

- IT'S MISS AND IT'S NO MISTAKE.

YOU MAY HAVE WORN A MASK,

BUT I'D KNOW THOSE
BURNING EYES ANYWHERE.

- LOOK, MISS, MISS. I'VE
BEEN ON DUTY 49 HOURS.

I'M NOT A MACHINE, I'M A
MAN. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

- TO THANK YOU,
JUST TO THANK YOU

FOR SAVING MY
TALENT AND MY LIFE.

LOOK. I CAN DANCE AGAIN.

- YEAH, SOME OTHER
TIME. I'M TERRIBLY...

- OH, IT WAS PROBABLY JUST ONE
MORE BROKEN TOE TO YOU, DOCTOR.

BUT TO A BALLET
DANCER, IT WAS LIFE ITSELF.

THANK YOU.

- KEEP TAKING THAT
PRESCRIPTION HOURLY.

WELL, BACK TO THE OLD GRIND.

- WHO IS THAT DOCTOR?
- SEARCH ME, SIR.

- WELL, I KNOW HIM
FROM SOMEWHERE.

CHECK ON HIM, WILL YOU?

- YES, DOCTOR.

- LIKE, HI. WHAT'S UP, DOC?

- MAYNARD. MAYNARD,
I'M HERE TO RESCUE YOU.

COME ON, LET'S GET MOVING QUICK.

- COULD YOU, LIKE,
WAIT A MINUTE, DOC?

I'M ALMOST UP TO FIVESIES.
- IT'S ME, DOBIE.

- OH, YOU'RE PULLING
MY FOOT, DOC.

DOBIE AIN'T NO BRAIN SURGEON.
HE'S JUST MY GOOD BUDDY.

AND HE'S LIKE A LITTLE CONFUSED,
NOT TOO BRIGHT IN THE HEAD.

PARDON ME, DOBE,
WHEREVER YOU ARE.

- OKAY, I'M NOT DOBIE.
LET'S JUST GET OUT OF HERE.

- WHY?
- WHY?

- AH, YOU'RE WONDERING TOO.
- WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER.

THEY'RE LIABLE TO BUST
IN HERE ANY MINUTE.

NOW COME ON.
- NOPE.

I'M NOT LEAVING HERE
TILL I'M 100% CURED,

OR EVEN BETTER. EXAMINE ME!

- MAYNARD, LOOK...
- NO, TUT-TUT, DOCTOR.

I'M A PATIENT HERE AND
I'M ENTITLED TO BE CALLED

BY MY MAIDEN NAME,
NAMELY MR. KREBS.

- LOOK, MR. KREBS,
WILL YOU PLEASE...

- EXAMINE ME! AND NO CHEATING!
REMEMBER YOUR HIPPOPOTAMUS OATH!

- MAYNARD, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
OPEN YOUR MOUTH. SAY AH.

- AH!

- YOU'RE IN PERFECT
SHAPE, MR. KREBS.

NOW COME ON. LET'S GET...
- WELL, IF I'M IN PERFECT SHAPE,

WHAT AM I DOING
IN THIS HOSPITAL?

- MAYNARD, HOW SHOULD I
KNOW? I'M NOT A DOCTOR.

- YOU'RE NOT A DOCTOR?

AND YOU BEEN EXAMINING
MY DELICATE BODY?

NURSE! NURSE! ORDERLIES! NURSES!

- SHH! SHH!

MAYNARD, YOUR ILLNESS
IS NOT ENTIRELY PHYSICAL.

THERE IS A SUSPICION
THAT YOU ARE A LITTLE BIT,

SHALL WE SAY, MIXED-UP?

- SHALL WE SAY A LOT MIXED-UP?
- THAT'S WHAT WE'LL SAY.

- YOU MEAN THEY
THINK I'M MIXED UP

ON ACCOUNT OF I DO
STRANGE AND SPOOKY THINGS?

- TRUE.
- WHAT DO I DO

THAT'S STRANGE AND SPOOKY?

DO I TROMP AROUND IN THE HOT SUN

WITH A STICK POKING
THAT LITTLE WHITE BALL?

- NO.
- THAT'S CALLED GOLF.

DO I SPEND MY HARD-EARNED
LOOT ON FANCY SHIRTS AND JACKETS

AND ITALIAN SHOES
THAT'LL BE OUT OF STYLE

BY THE NEXT YEAR?
- NO.

- THEN HOW COME ALL THEM
CATS WHO DO THEM STRANGE

AND SPOOKY THINGS ARE
OUT THERE AND I'M IN HERE?

- YOU GOT ME. I'M CONFUSED.

- YOU'RE CONFUSED AND
NOT TOO BRIGHT IN THE HEAD?

- RIGHT.

- OH, YOU MUST BE
MY GOOD BUDDY DOBE!

WELCOME, GOOD BUDDY
DOBE! LET'S CUT OUT OF HERE!

- NOW HE KNOWS ME!

COME ON, GET IN THE
CHAIR ON THE DOUBLE!

- RIGHT!

- QUIET. QUIET. YOU'LL
AROUSE SUSPICION!

- HOW CAN WE DO THAT? I
DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT MEANS!

- DOCTOR?

- NURSE, GET SURGERY
READY! I'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

- DOCTOR, WHERE IS
THIS PATIENT GOING?

- HOME.

- HOME? DO WE WANT
TO SIGN HIM OUT?

- NO, WE DON'T. THIS
IS AN EMERGENCY.

- HE'S GOING HOME FOR
AN EMERGENCY TREATMENT?

WOULD YOU MIND
EXPLAINING, DOCTOR?

- NURSE, I DON'T EXPLAIN
THINGS! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

- YOU MEAN...

- MAN... WOMAN...
BIRTH... DEATH...

INFINITY.

- OH, DOCTOR, I DIDN'T
REALIZE. I'M SORRY.

- THERE HE IS!
- YEAH, THERE HE IS!

- I GOT HIM! I GOT HIM!

- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!
WHERE YOU GOING?

- OH! OH!

- WHAT IN BLAZES
IS GOING ON HERE?

THIS IS HIGHLY
IRREGULAR, DOCTOR!

AND DON'T I KNOW YOU?

AREN'T YOU HARVARD MEDICAL, '41?

- NO, HE'S DOBIE GILLIS
AND HE'LL BE 22 IN APRIL,

OR IS IT 52 ON WEDNESDAY?

- THANKS, MAYNARD.
YOU'VE BEEN A BIG HELP.

- WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?

- IF I EVER HAD ANY DOUBTS
ABOUT THIS SO-CALLED STUDENT,

WHICH I DIDN'T,

THIS SETTLES THE
MATTER FOR GOOD!

KREBS, YOU'RE NOT THE
CALIBER OF STUDENT WE WANT

IN THIS UNIVERSITY.

YOU'RE THROUGH!
TURN IN YOUR BEANIE!

- NOW JUST A MINUTE!
JUST A DARN MINUTE!

DEAN MAGRUDER, YOU
CAN'T DO THIS TO MAYNARD.

I KNOW HE'S ACTED
A LITTLE STRANGE,

BUT THERE MUST BE A GOOD REASON.

- CAN YOU THINK OF ONE, GILLIS?
- NO.

- NEITHER CAN I.
- HOW COME NOBODY ASKS ME?

YOU'RE ALL THE TIME BELTING
ME WITH RUBBER HAMMERS

AND SHOOTING
ELECTRICITY IN MY SKULL,

BUT YOU NEVER ONCE ASKED
ME WHAT I WAS DOING OUT THERE

ON THAT LEDGE.

- DIDN'T YOU ASK HIM, DOCTOR?

- DIDN'T YOU?
- ALL RIGHT, KREBS.

WHAT WERE YOU
DOING ON THAT LEDGE?

- WHAT LEDGE?

- MAYNARD, CONCENTRATE.

THE MAN WAS GONNA JUMP
AND THEN YOU GOT OUT

AND SAID YOU'D JUMP WITH HIM.

WHY'D YOU DO IT?

- ON ACCOUNT OF
MY COUSIN RAMSEY.

- NOW SEE HERE, GILLIS.

YOU'RE ONLY MAKING MATTERS
WORSE FOR YOUR FRIEND HERE.

- LET ME TRY, SIR. WHO
WAS COUSIN RAMSEY?

- HE WAS MY COUSIN AND
HIS NAME WAS RAMSEY,

AND THAT'S HOW COME I
CALLED HIM COUSIN RAMSEY.

WELL, ONE DAY WHEN
WE WERE LITTLE TINY KIDS,

HE SAID TO ME, "MAYNARD, I'M
GONNA RUN AWAY FROM HOME,"

AND HE HAD THIS
RAFT AND THIS POLE

AND HIS PAJAMAS IN A PAPER BAG.

- WELL, THIS IS ALL VERY
INTERESTING, I'M SURE,

BUT WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO
DO WITH THE MAN ON THE LEDGE?

- WELL, IF YOU STOP
BELTING PEOPLE

WITH RUBBER HAMMERS AND
LISTEN, YOU MIGHT LEARN SOMETHING.

- ALL RIGHT.

SO YOUR COUSIN RAMSEY
HAD A RAFT, A POLE,

PAJAMAS IN A PAPER BAG AND
SAID HE WAS GONNA RUN AWAY, EH?

- HE WAS TELLING
PEOPLE ALL THE TIME

HE WAS GONNA RUN AWAY,
BUT PEOPLE KEPT SAYING,

"NO, NO, COUSIN RAMSEY.
DON'T RUN AWAY," BUT NOT ME.

I SAID, "OKAY, COUSIN RAMSEY,
I'LL RUN AWAY WITH YOU."

- I THINK I'M BEGINNING
TO SEE THE CONNECTION.

LOOK, DEAN MAGRUDER,

MAYNARD TREATED
THIS MAN ON THE LEDGE

JUST LIKE HE TREATED
HIS COUSIN RAMSEY.

HE CALLED HIS BLUFF.

HE SAID, "IF YOU WANT
TO JUMP, I'LL GO WITH YOU."

GENTLEMEN, IN HIS
BLIND, INSTINCTIVE WAY,

MAYNARD WAS PRACTICING
BETTER PSYCHOLOGY

THAN ANYBODY OUT THERE.

MAYNARD, YOU'RE QUITE A FELLA.

- OH, I'M JUST A GREAT AMERICAN
AND A HECK OF A GOOD SPORT.

- WELL, KREBS, I'M NOT PREPARED
TO SAY EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE.

BUT YOUR FRIEND
HERE COULD BE RIGHT.

IN ANY CASE, I DON'T
THINK YOUR ACTIONS

WARRANT A DISMISSAL
FROM COLLEGE.

SO, KREBS, YOU ARE REINSTATED.
WELCOME HOME, MORE OR LESS.

- OH, FOR JOY, FOR JOY!

- DR. LITWHILER, DO YOU
HAVE ANY FURTHER QUESTIONS

FOR MR. KREBS?

- HEAVEN FORFEND.

- GOOD LUCK, KREBS.

- WELL, MAYNARD, HOW'S IT
FEEL TO GO FROM GOAT TO HERO

IN ONE MINUTE FLAT?

- WHAT HERO?

- WELL, THERE ARE TWO
PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD

WHO ARE VERY LUCKY
TO HAVE KNOWN YOU.

- REALLY, DOBE? WHO?

- WELL, THAT MAN ON THE
LEDGE AND YOUR COUSIN RAMSEY.

YOU'LL PROBABLY NEVER
HEAR FROM THE MAN,

BUT I'LL BET RAMSEY WAS
GRATEFUL FOR WHAT YOU DID.

- OH, YEAH.

HE THANKED ME OVER
AND OVER ON THE RAFT.

- THE RAFT?

- THE RAFT ON WHICH
WE RAN AWAY ON.

- YOU MEAN YOU NEVER
TALKED YOUR COUSIN RAMSEY

OUT OF RUNNING AWAY?

- NO, DOBE.

HE AND ME WERE
GONE FOR SIX MONTHS.

HEY, MAYBE I'D BETTER
GO TELL THE DEAN.

- MAYBE YOU'D
BETTER NOT, MAYNARD.

GIRLS, I'M GOING OFF-DUTY NOW,

AND I THOUGHT
PERHAPS WE COULD...

- HEY! HI, MAYNARD!

- WELL, LIKE HI, MR. G.!

- OH, BOY, WHAT A CRAZY BISON
LODGE MEETING I JUST CAME FROM!

WE'RE ALL STANDING
AROUND THE SNOOKER TABLE...

HEY, THERE'S NO FISH IN
THIS PART OF THE RIVER.

- YEAH, I KNOW IT.

- WELL, THEN WHAT ARE
YOU FISHING HERE FOR?

- 'CAUSE I HATE FISH,
BUT I LIKE FISHING.

- WELL, I GUESS IT
TAKES ALL KINDS TO...

HEY, NO! STOP!

- MR. G., THAT'S THAT GUY
THAT WAS GONNA JUMP

OFF THE BUILDING! I
THINK HE'S IN A RUT.

LIKE, HI, MISTER! REMEMBER ME?

- HOLD IT, MAYNARD! MY
TURN TO BE THE HERO.

OH, HELLO THERE! HOW
ARE YOU TODAY, SIR?

- TERRIBLE!

- OH, I SEE YOUR GIRL
DUMPED YOU AGAIN, HUH?

- OH, NO, I DON'T CARE
ABOUT HER ANYMORE.

I GOT ME A NEW GIRL.
- OH, THAT'S GOOD.

- YEAH. NOW SHE DUMPED
ME. FAREWELL, CRUEL WORLD!

DON'T TRY TO STOP ME!

- WHO'S TRYING TO STOP
YOU? WATCH THIS, MAYNARD.

I THINK IT'S A GREAT IDEA.

IN FACT, I THINK IT'S
SUCH A GREAT IDEA,

I'M GOING WITH YOU.

- WHAT?
- OH, ABSOLUTELY.

HERE, HOLD MY HAND. I'LL COUNT.

- ARE YOU SURE YOU WANNA GO?
- CERTAINLY.

ONE FOR THE MONEY...
- WELL, ALL RIGHT,

AS LONG AS YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

- TWO FOR THE SHOW...

- THREE TO GET
READY AND FOUR TO GO!

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

- MAYNARD, WHAT ARE
YOU TRYING TO DO?