The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 3, Episode 9 - The Second Most Beautiful Girl in the World - full transcript

Dobie falls for the soft-hearted Sally Bean, whose parents insist she must date two boys at a time. Can Dobie hope to compete for Sally's affections against Chatsworth Osborne, Jr.?

- MAYNARD.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER GOOD BUDDY?

- MAYNARD, DO
YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?

- SURE.
- ISN'T THAT BEAUTIFUL?

ISN'T THAT THE MOST
GORGEOUS THING YOU EVER SAW?

- THE STATUE OF THE
FOUNDER, S. PETER PRYOR?

THAT OLD GEEZER WITH
THE BEARD, BEAUTIFUL?

OH, YOU'RE JOSHING, DOBE?
- NO, MAYNARD.

- I MEAN, HE'S LIKE HANDSOME
AND HE'S LIKE ATTRACTIVE.

I MEAN, YOU COULD EVEN
CALL HIM SOMETHING ELSE,

BUT, I MEAN, BUT
BEAUTIFUL, DOBE? NO, DOBE.

- MAYNARD.
- STILL, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.



YEAH, HE IS BEAUTIFUL.
IT'S THE BEARD THAT DOES IT.

BEARD'S, LET'S FACE IT DOBE,

BEARDS ARE THE PRETTIEST
THING A PERSON CAN GROW, TRUE?

- MAYNARD, I'M TALKING
ABOUT THAT GIRL.

- GIRL? SHE AIN'T
GOT NO BEARD, DOBE.

- MAYNARD, GOODBYE.
- DOBE, WAIT.

YOU PROMISED YOU'D TAKE ME TO
THE ZOO AND SEE ALL THEM LIONS

AND TIGERS AND MONKEYS
AND CUTE LITTLE SNAKES

AND CUTE LITTLE ALLIGATORS
AND CUTE LITTLE PANDAS

AND CUTE LITTLE...
- MAYNARD, SHE'S LEAVING.

HAVE A GOOD TIME
AT THE ZOO, MAYNARD.

MISS, OH, MISS? OWE, OOH.

- OH, YOU POOR BOY,
YOU POOR, POOR, BOY.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT POOR BOY?



- OH, IT'S NOTHING,
JUST A FLESH WOUND.

- CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?
- NO, MY DEAR.

JUST KEEP STROKING.

- OF COURSE, POOR BOY.

- MY NAME'S DOBIE GILLIS.
- SHOULDN'T I GO FOR A DOCTOR?

- GILLIS, DOBIE
GILLIS. I'M FINE.

- MAYBE I COULD
GET YOU A COLD PACK.

- GILLIS, DOBIE GILLIS.
- HOT PACK?

- WHAT'S YOU'RE NAME?
- SALLY BEAN.

SOME BANDAGES
AND LINIMENT, IODINE?

- AH, SALLY BEAN.
- ISN'T THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO?

- AS A MATTER OF FACT THERE IS.
- JUST NAME IT, POOR BOY.

- YOU CAN HAVE DINNER
WITH ME TONIGHT.

- OF COURSE, OF COURSE.
- OH, WONDERFUL.

WHAT TIME SHOULD I PICK YOU UP?

- LET'S SEE. THE OTHER
BOY IS COMING AT 7:00.

YOU BE THERE AT 6:45.

- THE OTHER BOY?
- MY OTHER DINNER DATE.

- YOU MEAN YOU ALREADY
HAVE A DATE FOR DINNER?

- I JUST TOLD YOU.

ARE YOU SURE YOU
DIDN'T HURT YOUR EARS?

- NO, I'VE GOT 20/20 EARS.

NOW, SALLY, I DON'T
QUITE UNDERSTAND.

IF YOU ALREADY HAVE
A DATE FOR DINNER,

WHY'D YOU ACCEPT A DATE WITH ME?

- BECAUSE YOU ASKED ME.

- I SEE.

- GOOD, NOW YOU BE
THERE 15 MINUTES EARLY

SO YOU CAN LEARN THE RULES.

- THE RULES?
- YES.

I'D EXPLAIN THE RULES NOW,
ONLY I'M LATE FOR CLASS.

- I SEE.
- NOW, HERE'S MY ADDRESS.

[JAZZ THEME]

- GIRLS ARE STRANGE.

I STATE THIS AS A
SIMPLE LAW OF NATURE.

GIRLS ARE STRANGE.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT
THEY'RE GOING TO DO OR SAY NEXT.

SO WHEN SALLY BEAN... THAT'S
THE DREAMY GIRL I JUST MET

WHEN SALLY BEAN
ACTED SO STRANGE,

I WASN'T EVEN SURPRISED BECAUSE
THAT'S WHAT GIRLS ARE, STRANGE.

NOW, MEN ON THE OTHER
HAND, ARE PREDICTABLE.

YOU KNOW JUST HOW
THEY'RE GOING TO REACT.

TAKE MY FATHER FOR EXAMPLE.

I KNOW THAT IF I SHOULD
COME UP TO HIM AND SAY,

DAD, CAN I HAVE $10 TO
TAKE A GIRL OUT TONIGHT,

HE WOULD SAY...

- NOPE. YOU CANNOT HAVE
$10, BUT YOU CAN HAVE 20.

- NOW, DAD, LISTEN... DID
YOU SAY I COULD HAVE $20?

- MAKE IT 30.
- YOU'RE KIDDING, OF COURSE.

- I THINK YOU'RE MEAN, HERBERT,
TEASING THE BOY LIKE THAT.

- WHO'S TEASING? WINNIE, I
GIVE YOU MY WORD AS A HUSBAND

AND A FATHER AND A SUCCESSFUL
INDEPENDENT MERCHANT,

A PAID UP MEMBER IN GOOD
STANDING OF THE BISON LODGE,

A VETERAN OF WW II, THE BIG
ONE, WITH A GOOD CONDUCT MEDAL,

I MEANT EVERY WORD I SAID.

- REALLY?
- YOU'LL GIVE THE BOY THE $30?

- MAKE IT 40.

- DAD, I, I DON'T
KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

YOU GO THROUGH LIFE
THINKING YOUR FATHER'S

A... WELL CONSERVATIVE,
NO OFFENSE.

- NO OFFENSE, SON,
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I AM.

A, WELL, CONSERVATIVE,
SKIN FLINT, AND A MISER.

- UH-HUH. SO HOW COME $40?

- WELL, IT'S AN INVESTMENT, SON.

- IN WHAT?
- WELL, LOOK AT IT THIS WAY,

ALL YOUR LIFE YOU'VE
HAD THIS CRAZY YEN

TO CHASE AFTER PRETTY GIRLS.
- UH-HUH.

- GOODNESS KNOWS
WHERE YOU GET IT,

CERTAINLY NOT FROM ME.
- WELL, I LIKE THAT.

- OH, NOW, WINNIE, I DIDN'T
MEAN THAT THE WAY IT SOUNDED.

YOU KNOW THAT TO ME YOU ARE A
VERY ATTRACTIVE WOMAN, AND WHY?

BECAUSE I AM A MAN WITH SIMPLE,
DOWN TO EARTH, HOMESPUN TASTE,

WHO... WHO... WHO IS SAYING IT
ALL WRONG. WINNIE, WHAT I MEAN IS...

- WHAT YOU MEAN IS, I'M A MESS.

- OH, YOU ARE NOT, AND
REGARDLESS, YOU'RE MY MESS

AND I LOVE YOU.

- HERBERT T. GILLIS!

- MOM, IF YOU DON'T MIND,
COULD YOU ARGUE LATER?

RIGHT NOW, LET'S
STICK TO THAT $40.

- $40 FOR WHAT? OH, YEAH.

I SAID THAT DIDN'T I? YEAH.

- UH-HUH.
- $40.

WELL, SON, EVER SINCE
YOU WERE IN KNEE PANTS,

YOU'VE BEEN CHASING
AFTER A PRETTY FACE, RIGHT?

- YEAH, AND I'M GOING
TO CATCH ONE SOME DAY.

- OH, I HOPE SO BOY, I HOPE SO.

IT'LL BE NICE TO HAVE A PRETTY
FACE AROUND HERE. NOW, WINNIE!

- THANK YOU. HERBERT, BEFORE
THIS WINDS UP IN THE COURTS,

WHY DON'T YOU JUST GIVE DOBIE
THE MONEY AND STOP EXPLAINING.

- NO, WINNIE, THE BOY
HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW.

- OH, IT'S OKAY, DAD.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL
ME IF YOU DON'T WANT TO,

JUST GIVE ME THE MONEY.

- NOW, YOU JUST KEEP QUIET
AND PAY ATTENTION AND LISTEN

AND... WHERE WAS I?

- YOU WERE SAYING
WHAT A JOY IT WOULD BE

TO HAVE A PRETTY FACE
AROUND YOU FOR A CHANGE.

- I WAS NOT! I DON'T WANT
A PRETTY FACE AROUND ME!

ALL I WANT IS FOR DOBIE
TO GET A GIRL JUST LIKE YOU,

AND OH, WINNIE, WILL
YOU PLEASE GO UPSTAIRS

AND LET ME STRAIGHTEN
THIS OUT WITH THE BOY?

YOU'RE SCRAMBLING MY BRAINS.

- DAD MEANS HE'S
DAZZLED BY THE SIGHT

OF YOUR CHARMING
BEAUTY, RIGHT, DAD?

- THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I'M SAYING.

- UH-HUH. GO ON, HERBERT.

- WELL, THESE DREAMBOATS
THAT DOBIE KEEPS CHASING AFTER,

IT SEEMS TO ME THAT THEY ALL
HAVE TWO THINGS IN COMMON.

A, THEY COST A FORTUNE, AND
THEY ALWAYS WIND UP DUMPING DOBIE.

- OH, NOT THIS ONE,
DAD. NOT SALLY.

THIS TIME IT'S THE REAL
THING. THIS TIME IT'S FOREVER.

- UH-HUH, IT ALWAYS IS.

- UH-HUH, LET ME
TELL YOU ABOUT SALLY.

- I KNOW ABOUT
SALLY. SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

- BEAUTIFUL DID YOU SAY?
LET ME PUT IT TO YOU THIS WAY.

SALLY'S THE SECOND MOST
BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE WORLD.

- AND WHO'S THE FIRST?
- I DON'T KNOW.

I'M WILLING TO ADMIT THAT
SOMEWHERE ON THIS EARTH,

THERE MAY BE A GIRL
MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN SALLY.

IT'S NOT LIKELY, BUT I'LL
ADMIT THE POSSIBILITY.

- THAT IS BIG OF YOU BOY.

NOW, TELL ME, ARE YOU
SURE THAT SALLY IS THE GIRL

YOU'RE GOING TO WIND UP WITH?

- DAD, I'M ABSOLUTELY...
- THINK BEFORE YOU TALK, SON,

BECAUSE THIS TIME
I'M HOLDING YOU TO IT.

- I'M NOT SURE I
UNDERSTAND YOU, HERBERT.

- WELL, IT'S VERY SIMPLE.

DOBIE ALWAYS GETS DUMPED
BY THE GIRL HE'S COURTING,

AND WHEN YOU ARE
COURTING A GIRL,

THAT'S WHEN IT COSTS MONEY.

FLOWER AND CANDY
AND RENTED TUXEDOS

AND DANCING AT THE PEABODY ROOF.

THIS IS WHAT'S BREAKING ME.
BUT ONCE YOU'VE GOT THE GIRL,

GOT HER HOGTIED AND KNOW
THAT SHE'S REALLY YOURS,

THE COURTSHIP IS OVER.

- AH, NOW I UNDERSTAND.

I'M NOT SURE THAT I
APPROVE, BUT I UNDERSTAND.

- WINNIE, DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN
YOU TOLD ME YOU'D GO STEADY?

WHY, I'LL BET I DIDN'T SPEND
OVER FIVE BUCKS ON YOU

THE WHOLE NEXT YEAR.

- 3.50. I WAS KEEPING TRACK.

- YEAH. NOW, YOU SEE THERE, BOY?

IT'S GETTING THE GIRL THAT
COSTS THE MONEY, NOT HAVING HER.

AND I HAVE MADE UP MY MIND.

I AM FINANCING NO MORE
OF YOUR WILD GOOSE CHASES.

WHEN YOU CAN COME TO ME AND SAY

THAT THIS IS THE GIRL
YOU REALLY WANT,

AND THAT YOU'RE
REALLY GOING TO GET HER,

I'LL BANKROLL THE PROJECT.

- OH, SALLY'S THE GIRL,
DAD. I'M SURE OF IT.

- WELL, MAKE IT
HAPPEN THIS TIME, BOY.

MAKE IT HAPPEN,
BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T,

YOU ARE WINDING UP
STROLLING THROUGH LIFE

HAND IN HAND WITH MAYNARD.

- I'M ON MY WAY TO PICK UP
SALLY BEAN FOR OUR FIRST DATE.

I GO WITH A HEART
FULL OF CONFIDENCE.

I KNOW THAT WAS A HARD
BARGAIN MY FATHER DROVE,

BUT I'M NOT WORRIED, NOT A BIT.

I KNOW I'M GOING TO GET
SALLY BEAN FOR MY VERY OWN.

SURE, YOU'VE HEARD
ME SAY THAT BEFORE,

BUT THIS TIME I
REALLY TRULY KNOW.

HOW DO I KNOW?

WELL, IF YOU COULD
LOOK IN SALLY'S EYES

THE WAY I'VE LOOKED
IN SALLY'S EYES,

THEN YOU TOO WOULD
KNOW THAT HERE WAS A GIRL

WITH A GREAT GENEROUS
OVERFLOWING HEART

WITH A BEAUTIFUL SOUL WITH
TENDERNESS AND POETRY,

WITH LOVE TO MATCH MY OWN.

BUT JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE,

I'M TAKING A LITTLE
INSURANCE WITH ME.

THIS TOOK EVERY PENNY
MY FATHER GAVE ME,

BUT TONIGHT'S NOT THE
TIME TO THIS ABOUT PENNIES.

TONIGHT I'M GOING FOR BROKE.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- NEVER MIND
MOTHER, I'LL GET IT.

- OH, MY DEAR, YOU
LOOK CHARMING TONIGHT.

CHARMING, DID I SAY? RAVISHING.

- HOW DO YOU FEEL, POOR BOY?
- OH, FINE, FINE.

- ALL RECOVERED FROM THAT
SPILL YOU TOOK THIS AFTERNOON?

- ALL RECOVERED. SALLY,
MY DEAR, HOW LOVELY...

- COME MEET MY FOLKS.
- OH, YES. YES.

- MOM, DADDY,
THIS IS DOBIE GILLIS,

THE BOY I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT.

- HOW DO YOU DO?
- THIS IS THE FIRST RULE, DOBIE.

NO CANDY, NO PERFUME, NO
JEWELRY, NO GIFTS OF ANY KIND.

- OH.
- WON'T YOU SIT DOWN, DOBIE?

MR. BEAN WILL EXPLAIN THE RULES.

- OH. OH, I'D APPRECIATE THAT.

- IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE DOBIE.

AS YOU CAN SEE, SALLY
IS A VERY ATTRACTIVE.

- ATTRACTIVE? SHE'S AT
LEAST THE SECOND MOST

BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE WORLD.

- ARE YOU SURE YOU
FEEL ALL RIGHT, DOBIE?

- OH, I'M FINE. I'M
BETTER THAN FINE.

I'M FLOATING.

- DOBIE, IF YOU COULD
DESCEND FOR A MOMENT?

- YES, SIR.

- WE'RE AGREED THEN THAT
SALLY IS A VERY PRETTY GIRL.

- YES, SIR.

- SALLY IS ALSO A VERY
TENDER-HEARTED GIRL.

- UH-HUH.
- SHE'S TERRIBLY DISTURBED

BY SUFFERING OF ANY KIND.

- UH-HUH.
- OH, I CAN'T STAND SUFFERING.

I MEAN, WHEN I SEE SUFFERING, I
JUST WANT TO CURL UP AND DIE.

- AND ME TOO, MY DEAR.
WHAT I BELIEVE IN IS KINDNESS.

BOYS OUGHT TO BE KIND TO GIRLS,

AND GIRLS OUGHT
TO BE KIND TO BOYS.

- TRUE. TRUE. EVERYBODY
OUGHT TO BE KIND TO EVERYBODY.

- YEAH.
- AND NOT JUST PEOPLE.

I MEAN, ANIMALS AND BUGS
AND INSECTS AND EVERYTHING.

- YOU'RE SO RIGHT. YES.
- ONCE WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,

I STEPPED ON A CATERPILLAR.

- UH-HUH.
- I CRIED FOR A WHOLE WEEK.

- I UNDERSTAND. I UNDERSTAND.

- YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE
WORST IN THIS WORLD?

- WHAT?
- DDT.

- ME TOO. DOWN WITH DDT.

- ALL THOSE PRETTY
LITTLE GNATS AND MIDGES

FAINTING AND DYING
AND SUFFERING.

OH, IT'S JUST SO TERRIBLE.
- IT'S GHASTLY.

- YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE?

- WHAT?
- AUTOMOBILES.

- ME T... AUTOMOBILES?

- SURE. BEFORE AUTOMOBILES
PEOPLE USED TO DRIVE HORSES.

THE POOR THINGS HAD TO
WORK ALL DAY IN THE HOT SUN

AND LOTS OF TERRIBLE MEN
USED TO BEAT THEIR HORSES.

- HOORAY FOR
AUTOMOBILES. VIVA DETROIT.

- THE ONLY TIME I
DON'T LIKE AUTOMOBILES

IS WHEN THEY RUN OVER TURTLES.

- SALLY, IF YOU DON'T MIND.

I THINK, DOBIE, THAT
WE'VE ESTABLISHED

SALLY'S TENDER HEART.
- ABSOLUTELY.

- YES, DOBIE, SALLY
HAS A BEAUTIFUL SOUL

AND A TENDER HEART WHICH
SIMPLY CANNOT ABIDE SUFFERING.

FOR INSTANCE, WHEN YOU FELL
DOWN AT SCHOOL THIS AFTERNOON

AND SHE SAW YOU LYING ON
THE GROUND HURT AND STUNNED...

- DOBIE, YOU SURE
YOU FEEL ALL RIGHT?

- PERFECT, MY ANGEL, PERFECT.

- AS I WAS SAYING.
- UH-HUH. YES.

- WHEN SHE SAW YOU IN
YOUR PITIFUL CONDITION

THIS AFTERNOON, SHE
WOULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING

TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

IF, FOR EXAMPLE, YOU HAD
ASKED HER TO GO STEADY,

OR EVEN TO GET MARRIED,

IT'S VERY LIKELY THAT SHE
WOULD HAVE ACCEPTED.

- NOW HE TELLS ME.
- WHAT IF YOU HAD PROPOSED?

- AND WHAT IF SHE HAD ACCEPTED?

- OH, DOBIE, ARE YOU
SURE YOU FEEL ALL RIGHT?

- OH, I'M FINE. FINE.

- IT WOULDN'T HAVE MATTERED
WHAT KIND OF MAN YOU WERE.

SALLY WOULD HAVE SAID YES
IN ANY CASE, DON'T YOU SEE?

- I'M AFRAID SO, BUT
WHAT ABOUT THE RULES?

- WELL, DOBIE. WHEN
SALLY WAS OLD ENOUGH

TO START HAVING DATES,

IT WAS CLEAR THAT SHE NEEDED
SOME KIND OF PROTECTION.

I MEAN, WE COULDN'T RUN THE RISK

OF LETTING SOME
UNSCRUPULOUS YOUNG MAN

GET HER ALONE AND
FORCE HER INTO MARRIAGE

BY PLAYING ON HER SYMPATHIES.

SO WE SAT DOWN, SALLY
AND HER MOTHER AND I,

AND WE DREW UP SOME RULES.

WE AGREED, ALL THREE OF US,

THAT SHE WOULD
NEVER GO OUT ON DATES

WITH ONLY ONE BOY AT A TIME.

- NEVER?
- NEVER.

WHEN SALLY GOES OUT, SHE ALWAYS
GOES OUT WITH AT LEAST TWO BOYS,

NO ONE OF WHOM IS ALLOWED
TO BRING FLOWERS OR CANDY

OR PERFUME, OR IN ANY OTHER WAY

TO GAIN ANY ADVANTAGE
OVER THE OTHER BOY.

- SAFETY IN NUMBERS, HUH?
- PRECISELY.

- BUT LOOK, HOW'S SALLY EVER
GOING TO FIND THE MAN SHE LOVES,

NAMELY ME.

I MEAN, WITH TWO GUYS
HANGING AROUND ALL THE TIME,

HOW IS SHE GOING TO GET
TO KNOW EITHER ONE OF THEM?

- BUT THAT'S EXACTLY THE POINT.

NO BOY CAN GET SALLY
ALONE AND WHISPER IN HER EAR

AND WORK ON HER SYMPATHIES.
- UH-HUH.

- SALLY WILL BE ABLE TO PICK HER
BOY COMPLETELY ON HIS MERITS,

NOT BECAUSE OF A SMOOTH
LINE OR A BROKEN LEG.

- DOBIE, THE DAY THAT SALLY
COMES HOME AND TELLS US

SHE IS HONESTLY IN
LOVE WITH A YOUNG MAN

BECAUSE HE'S A GOOD MAN

AND NOT JUST BECAUSE
OF HER TENDER HEART,

WE'LL GLADLY SUSPEND THE RULES.

- NOW, DOBIE, IF YOU WISH TO
WITHDRAW FROM THE COMPETITION,

PLEASE FEEL FREE.

MANY BOYS HAVE SAID NO THANK YOU

WHEN WE'VE EXPLAINED
THE RULES TO THEM,

AND YOU CAN GO IF YOU
LIKE WITH NO HARD FEELINGS.

- I'LL STAY.

I'M NOT AFRAID OF A
LITTLE COMPETITION.

- GOOD FOR YOU DOBIE,
AND MAY THE BEST MAN WIN.

- BY THE WAY, WHO
IS MY COMPETITION?

- HI HO CHAPS, IT IS I,
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.,

FRESH FROM ANOTHER
TRIUMPH ON THE POLO FIELD.

- ALL RIGHT, SO MY COMPETITION
IS CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.

SO WHAT?

I'M NOT AFRAID OF A GOOD FIGHT.

I COME FROM A LONG
LINE OF FIGHTERS.

MY MOTHER AND FATHER
HAVE BEEN FIGHTING FOR YEARS.

SO WHAT IF CHATSWORTH IS
THE RICHEST FELLOW IN TOWN?

SO WHAT IF HE DRIVES
A FOREIGN SPORTS CAR

AND WEARS EXPENSIVE CLOTHES?

SO WHAT IF HE'S SUAVE
AND SOPHISTICATED

AND KNOWS HOW TO TALK

TO HEAD WAITERS AND
MAÎTREMAITRE D'S AND BELLBOYS, AND...

SO WHAT IF... SO
WHAT IF I TOLD YOU

THAT I'M ABOUT AS MUCH
COMPETITION FOR HIM

AS AUDREY HEPBURN WOULD
BE FOR INGEMAR JOHANSSON.

BOY, I'M DEAD.

- YOU'RE TOO MODEST, DOBIE DO.

I THINK WE'RE QUITE
EVENLY MATCHED.

- OH, COME NOW.
- IT'S TRUE, GILLIS, BABY.

I THINK SALLY HERE IS GOING
TO BE DREADFULLY HARD PUT

TO CHOOSE BETWEEN US.
- OH, COME NOW.

- I DO, OF COURSE, HAVE
CERTAIN TINY ADVANTAGES.

MY WEALTH, FOR INSTANCE,

THE TRUST FUND, STOCKS,
BONDS, DEBENTURES,

AND TAX FREE TURNPIKE ISSUES.

- YOU OWN ALL THAT?
- I DO MY LITTLE THRUSH.

I CAN'T TAKE CREDIT FOR THAT,

ANY MORE THAT I CAN TAKE
CREDIT FOR THE BRAINS I INHERITED

WHICH HAVE GIVEN ME ONE
OF THE TWO HIGHEST IQ'S

EVER RECORDED IN THE
WESTERN HEMISPHERE.

- WHO HAS THE OTHER ONE?
- DON'T LOOK AT ME.

- YOU KNOW WHAT, AND I TAKE
CREDIT FOR THIS COMPACT,

PERFECTLY ARTICULATED BODY,

WHICH HAS MADE ME,
AMONG OTHER THINGS,

THREE TIMES INTERCOLLEGIATE
FENCING CHAMPION.

TOUCHÉ.

TWO TIMES INTERCOLLEGIATE
COURT TENNIS CHAMPION,

AND THREE TIMES INTERCOLLEGIATE
ARCHERY CHAMPION,

WITH A LONG BOW OF COURSE.

- BY GEE, HOW ARE YOU
IN ATHLETICS, DOBIE?

- I CAN FLOAT ON MY BACK.

- DRONE. HA HA.

YOU MUST JUST
JUDGE US MAN TO MAN.

- THAT'S VERY DECENT
OF YOU, CHATSWORTH.

- THAT'S HARDLY SURPRISING,

I WON THE NORTH AMERICAN
DECENCY TROPHY FOUR YEARS RUNNING.

- WHAT DO YOU SAY, DOBIE?
- UNCLE.

- WHAT?
- I SAY UNCLE.

I KNOW WHEN I'M LICKED.

CONGRATULATIONS, CHATSWORTH.

WOULD YOU MIND
TAKING SALLY HOME?

- OH, CHIN UP, GILLIS, BABY.
YOU CAN'T WIN THEM ALL.

- THAT I WOULDN'T
MIND. I CAN'T WIN ANY.

- HELLO MOTHER.
- HELLO DARLING.

- HI HO COMPADRES.

- WHERE'S DOBIE?
- HE WENT HOME BY HIMSELF.

- YES, DISCRETION THEY SAY
IS THE BETTER PART OF VALOR.

- WELL, GOOD NIGHT CHATSWORTH.
THANK YOU FOR A LOVELY EVENING.

- YOU'RE WELCOME.

JUST A MOMENT MY LITTLE MINX.

PERHAPS THERE'S SOMETHING
YOU'D LIKE TO TELL ME.

- LIKE WHAT?

- LIKE PERHAPS YOU'VE COME
TO A DECISION ABOUT ME TONIGHT.

- WELL, AS A MATTER
OF FACT I HAVE.

- WELL, PRAY TELL, MY
DEAR. TELL ALL OF US.

I'M SURE THAT YOU'RE FOLKS WILL
BE QUITE INTERESTED TO KNOW.

- OKAY.

I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOUR
FEELINGS, HONEST, CHATSWORTH,

BUT I'M NOT GOING
TO SEE YOU ANYMORE.

- SURELY YOU JEST.
- NO, CHATSWORTH.

I HAVE A REAL SOFT HEART,

AND I GET ALL MISTY WHENEVER I
FIND ANYONE TO FEEL SORRY FOR.

BUT LET'S FACE IT CHATSWORTH,

YOU'VE GOT NOTHING IN THE
WORLD FOR ME TO FEEL SORRY FOR.

- EGAD.

CAN YOU POSSIBLY MEAN
THAT YOU PREFER THAT...

LOW BORN DOBIE GILLIS TO ME?

- YES, CHATSWORTH.

- HOW UNSPEAKABLY IGNOMINIOUS.
- YOU HURT, CHATSWORTH?

- AN OSBORNE HURT?

OH, HO, HO, HO, MY
DEAR YOUNG WOMAN,

WE DID NOT BECOME
MOVERS AND SHAKERS

BY WEARING OUR
HEARTS ON OUR SLEEVES.

- THAT'S NICE.

- GOOD NIGHT.

- I'LL BE SEEING YOU.

- NO, MY CHILD, YOU
WILL NOT BE SEEING ME.

THIS IS GOODBYE, FAREWELL,
ADIOS, SAYONARA, AND OUT.

- GEE, I HOPE HE'S NOT MAD.

- SALLY, ABOUT
THIS DOBIE GILLIS.

DO I UNDERSTAND YOU CORRECTLY?

YOU'RE REALLY FOND OF HIM?

- OH, YES, DADDY.

I FELT SO SORRY FOR
DOBIE NEXT TO CHATSWORTH.

- I FEEL SORRY FOR A SHERMAN
TANK NEXT TO CHATSWORTH.

- YES, WE KNOW YOU'RE
SORRY FOR DOBIE, DARLING.

THE POINT IS, ARE YOU HONESTLY
AND GENUINELY FOND OF HIM?

- I THINK SO.

- OH, HONEY, WE WANT YOU
TO BE SURE THAT YOU'RE SURE.

NOW TRY ANOTHER DATE WITH
HIM WITH SOMEBODY ELSE ALONG.

- WELL, IF YOU THINK SO.

- WE THINK SO.
- WE THINK SO.

- GOOD MORNING, DOBIE,

DID YOU HAVE YOUR
BREAKFAST, ALL RIGHT?

- I WASN'T HUNGRY.

- WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU, SON?

YOU LOOK LIKE CAT MEAT.

- ARE YOU GETTING
ENOUGH SLEEP, DOBIE?

- HE GOT ENOUGH LAST NIGHT.

IT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN LATER
THAN 9:30 WHEN HE CAME IN.

- 9:30? DIDN'T YOU HAVE
A GOOD TIME, DEAR?

- WELL, IF YOU WANT TO
KNOW, I HAD A TERRIBLE TIME.

A ROTTEN AWFUL TIME.

- DIDN'T GET THE GIRL, HUH?
- NO.

- SPEND THE MONEY?
- YES.

- ALL OF IT?
- EVERY CENT.

- WINNIE, YOU ARE A WITNESS.

YOU HEARD THIS BOY PROMISE

THAT THIS WAS THE GIRL
HE WAS GOING TO GET,

AND THAT HE WOULD NEVER
ASK ME FOR ANOTHER PENNY,

AND YOU HEARD ME PROMISE THAT
HE WOULD NEVER GET ANOTHER PENNY.

AND THIS IS ONE PROMISE
I'M GOING TO KEEP.

- RELAX, DAD.

I'M NOT ASKING FOR
ANY MORE MONEY.

- YOU'RE DARN TOOTING
YOUR NOT, BECAUSE THE...

WHY AIN'T YOU ASKING
FOR ANY MORE MONEY?

- BECAUSE MONEY DOESN'T
DO ANY GOOD WITH THIS GIRL.

SHE DOESN'T ACCEPT GIFTS
OR GO TO FANCY PLACES,

OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

- YOU FOUND A GIRL WHO
WON'T SPEND MONEY?

- YES.
- AND YOU ARE LETTING HER GO?

- WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?

- OH, CLASP HER TO YOUR
BOSOM, SON, WITH HOOPS OF STEEL.

A GIRL THAT WON'T SPEND MONEY?

OH, HANG ONTO HER
BOY. HANG ONTO HER.

THIS IS A TELEVISION FIRST.

- DAD, I'D LIKE TO
HANG ONTO HER,

BUT THERE'S A
LITTLE COMPETITION.

- AND SINCE WHEN HAS A GILLIS
BEEN AFRAID OF COMPETITION?

- DAD, IT'S CHATSWORTH
OSBORNE JR.

- I DON'T CARE IF
IT'S CAPTAIN JINX

OR THE HORSE MARINES.

YOU GET IN THERE AND FIGHT, BOY.

AFTER ALL, YOU ARE
HERBERT T. GILLIS'S SON.

- AND WINIFRED
GILLIS'S DAUGHTER.

- WINNER'S NEVER QUIT
AND QUITTER NEVER WIN.

- AND THE RACE IS TO THE SWIFT.

- AND A MAN WHO WON'T
BE BEAT CAN'T BE BEAT.

- AND FAINT HEART
NE'ER WON FAIR MAIDEN.

- YOU'RE RIGHT, MOM.
YOU'RE RIGHT, DAD.

I'M GOING BACK THERE AND FIGHT.
- THAT'S MY DOBIE.

- YEAH. AND WIN, BOY, AND
WIN. AND YOU KNOW WHY?

- WHY?

- NO MORE MONEY.

- OKAY. BRING HIM ON.

I'M READY FOR
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE JR.,

OR ANYBODY ELSE WHO WANTS
TO DO BATTLE FOR SALLY BEAN.

A FELLOW LIKE ME GOES THROUGH
LIFE LOOKING FOR THE ONE GIRL,

AND WHEN HE FINDS HER,

HE'S NOT GOING TO GIVE
HER UP WITHOUT A FIGHT.

I'LL FIGHT WITH BARE FISTS
OR SWORDS OR PISTOLS OR BBs,

BUT I'LL FIGHT
AS LONG AS I LIVE,

IF NECESSARY, EVEN LONGER.

- HEY, DOBE, WHERE YOU BEEN?

BOY HAVE I GOT SOME
THINGS TO TELL YOU.

- MAYNARD, SOME OTHER TIME.

I'VE GOT TO FIND
CHATSWORTH RIGHT NOW.

- OH, BUT I GOT TO TELL
YOU ABOUT YESTERDAY.

MAN, YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN
THERE. KNOW WHERE I WAS?

- YOU WERE AT THE
ZOO, AND GOODBYE.

- OH, THAT WAS EARLIER.
AFTERWARDS, I WENT DOWN

TO FIFTH AND MAIN AND
WATCHED THEM KNOCK DOWN

THE OLD ENDICOTT BUILDING.

- TELL ME ABOUT IT IN
CLASS, WILL YOU, MAYNARD?

- DOBE, THEY GOT THIS BIG
CRANE AND THE IRON BALL HANGING,

AND THE GUY GOES...

- ARE YOU THROUGH, MAYNARD?

- I'VE GOT ONE MORE.
- THAT'S IT?

- JUST A LITTLE CRUNCH,
IT WON'T TAKE LONG.

- NOW, ARE YOU THROUGH?

- YEAH. NOW I'M THROUGH.

- I'M GLAD, GOODBYE MAYNARD.
- WHERE YOU GOING?

- TO LOOK FOR CHATSWORTH...

- SOMETHING YOU
WANTED, GILLIS, BABY?

- YOU'RE DARN RIGHT THERE IS.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT A QUITTER NEVER WINS

AND A WINNER NEVER QUITS,

AND FAINT HEART
NEVER WON FAIR MAIDEN,

AND WHEN YOU TAKE
SALLY BEAN OUT TONIGHT,

I'M GOING TO BE
RIGHT THERE WITH YOU

BECAUSE I'M IN THE
FIGHT TO THE FINISH.

- WELL, GUNG HO, GILLIS, BABY.

BUT FOR YOUR INFORMATION,

I AM NOT TAKING SALLY
BEAN OUT TONIGHT.

- NO? WHO IS?

- I HAVEN'T THE
FOGGIEST, BUT IT ISN'T I.

NOT TONIGHT OR ANY OTHER NIGHT.

I HAVE BETTER FISH TO FRY.
- HE'S RIGHT, DOBE.

I MEAN, I HATE TO STICK UP
FOR OLD STUCK UP CHATSWORTH,

BUT A GUY'S A LOT
BETTER OFF FRYING FISH

THAN RUNNING
AROUND AFTER CHICKS.

- QUIET, I'M THINKING.
- ABOUT WHAT?

- ABOUT THE RULES GOVERNING
THE DATING OF MISS SALLY BEAN.

NOW THE RULES SAY

THAT SALLY'S GOT TO GO
OUT WITH TWO GUYS AT ONCE

SO ONE OF THEM
CAN'T GET HER ALONE

AND WHISPER SWEET
NOTHINGS IN HER EAR, RIGHT?

- YEAH.

- MAYNARD, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING TONIGHT?

- OH, NO. NOT ME,
DOBE. I DON'T DIG CHICKS.

DON'T MAKE ME GO
OUT WITH A CHICK.

- MAYNARD, YOU'VE GOT TO.

- DOBE, I'D STICK MY ARM
INTO THE FIRE FOR YOU,

BOTH ARMS, BOTH LEGS, MY BEARD,

BUT CHICKS, DOBE,
PLEASE, DOBE, NO, DOBE.

- MAYNARD I'M SHOCKED.

AFTER ALL THE THINGS
I'VE DONE FOR YOU?

WHO'S BEEN YOUR BEST FRIEND

EVER SINCE WE WERE
LITTLE TINY BABIES TOGETHER?

- YOU, DOBE.
- THAT'S RIGHT.

AND WHO TAUGHT YOU
HOW TO TIE YOUR SHOES?

- YOU, DOBE.

- AND WHO TAUGHT YOU
HOW TO DIAL A TELEPHONE?

- YOU, DOBE.
- AND WHO TAUGHT YOU HOW TO...

- THAT'S ABOUT ALL I
KNOW HOW TO DO, DOBE.

- WELL, YOU WOULDN'T
HAVE KNOWN THAT MUCH

IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR ME.

NOW, WHEN I ASK
YOU ONE LITTLE FAVOR,

HOW DO YOU REPAY ME?

- YOU'RE RIGHT, DOBE.
I'M A NO GOOD RAT.

I'LL GO OUT WITH YOU TONIGHT.

- OH, THAT'S MY
GOOD BUDDY. YEAH.

- BUT AS SOON AS WE GET
HER OUT OF THE HOUSE,

I CAN CUT AND RUN.

PROMISE?
- I PROMISE.

YOU HEARD THAT.

I PROMISED MAYNARD
HE COULD CUT AND RUN

AS SOON AS WE GOT SALLY
AWAY FROM THE HOUSE.

THE TROUBLE IS, MAYNARD
DIDN'T PROMISE ME.

SO WHAT HAPPENED?

11:00 CAME AND...

- TELL ME AGAIN ABOUT THE THREE
BUNNY RABBITS YOU USED TO HAVE.

- OH, THEY WERE SO DARLING.
ALL ROUND AND FLUFFY AND WHITE.

- WITH LONG EARS AND
NOSES THAT WENT LIKE THIS?

- YES. AND LITTLE
STUMPY COTTON TAILS.

IN FACT, THAT'S WHAT I CALLED
ONE OF THEM, COTTON TAIL.

FLOPSY, MOPSY, AND COTTON TAIL.

- FLOPSY, MOPSY,
AND COTTON TAIL?

I HAVE THREE COUSINS NAMED THAT.

- MAYNARD.
- QUIET, GOOD BUDDY.

NOW, DID YOU GET THE GUPPIES
BEFORE OR AFTER THE RABBITS?

- AFTER.

DADDY GOT THEM FOR ME
WHEN THE RABBITS DIED.

OH, I CRIED SO.

- OH, I'M CRYING NOW.

- ME TOO.

- WELL, ANYHOW, I SOON
GREW TO LOVE MY GUPPIES,

ALL 40 OF THE THEM.
- WHAT WERE THEIR NAMES?

- WELL, THERE WAS
JOE, MO, AND FLO,

FRED, ED, AND NED,

ARTHURS, ALICE, MORRIS...

- SALLY, IT'S 11:00 O'CLOCK.

- QUIET, DOBE. SHE'S
ONLY GOT 32 MORE.

- SALLY, YOUR FOLKS
MUST BE EXPECTING YOU.

- I'M AFRAID SO.

GEE, MAYNARD, I
HATE TO BREAK THIS UP.

I HAVEN'T SO MUCH FUN IN YEARS.
- ME NEITHER.

HEY, SALLY, WHY
DON'T YOU CALL HOME

AND ASK IF YOU CAN STAY
A LITTLE WHILE LONGER,

JUST TILL YOU TELL ME
THE NAME OF THE GUPPIES

AND ALL THE BEES
YOU USED TO KEEP?

- I'LL, CALL. EXCUSE ME.

- MAYNARD, I CAN'T
FIND WORDS FOR YOU.

- WELL, I CAN FIND
PLENTY FOR YOU,

LIKE LOUSE, RAT,
SKUNK, AND CHEAT.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU SAID YOU WERE
GOING TO CUT AND RUN

AS SOON AS WE GOT
SALLY AWAY FROM HOME.

- SHAME ON YOU, DOBE.

I MEAN, THINKING UP A
FIENDISH TRICK LIKE THAT

TO PLAY ON POOR SALLY.

YOU KNOW THE
RULES. SHAME ON YOU,

TRYING TO GET THAT POOR DEAR

INNOCENT LITTLE
CHICK TO YOURSELF

SO YOU COULD WHISPER
SWEET NOTHINGS IN HER EAR.

SHAME ON YOU.

- MAYNARD, I DON'T
UNDERSTAND. YOU HATE CHICKS.

- DOBE, A CHICK WHO DIGS BUNNIES
AND CATERPILLARS AND ANTS

AND LIZARDS, AND DOGS AND
CATS AND LIONS AND TIGERS.

DOBE, THAT AIN'T A CHICK.

THAT'S LIKE A REAL HUMAN BEING.

- SO YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
LEAVE ME ALONE WITH HER?

- DOBE, ON ACCOUNT
OF OUR LONG FRIENDSHIP

AND YOUR MANY GOOD QUALITIES,

I'M GOING TO TRY TO OVERLOOK
THE ROTTEN CRUMMY TRICK

YOU TRIED TO PULL TONIGHT,

BUT DON'T PRESS ME TOO FAR.

- GREAT NEWS, MAYNARD.

DADDY SAYS I CAN STAY
ANOTHER HALF HOUR.

- OH, FOR JOY.
- NOW, WHERE WAS I?

- YOU WERE TELLING
ME ABOUT THE GUPPIES.

SO FAR YOU HAD ED,
NED, FRED, JO, MO, FLO,

ARTHUR, ALICE, MORRIS.

- YES. THEN THERE WAS WILLIE
AND BILLY, AND JOEL, AND NOEL,

AND KATE AND NATE, AND
HARRY AND MARY, AND...

- UNCLE.
- WHAT?

- I SAID UNCLE.

AGAIN, I SAID UNCLE.

- STRANGE BOY.

- WEIRD. PLEASE CONTINUE.

- WELL, THEN THERE WAS
JACKIE AND JOHNNY AND JIMMY,

AND EARL AND MERLE
AND PEARL, AND...

- DID YOU HAVE YOUR
BREAKFAST DEAR?

- I WASN'T HUNGRY.

- HEY, YOU LOOK
WORSE THAN YESTERDAY.

STRIKE OUT AGAIN?
- THAT'S IT.

- NOW, HERBERT, DON'T
BE HARD ON THE BOY.

- OH, I AM NOT GOING TO
BE HARD ON HIM, WINNIE.

AFTER ALL HE TRIED
AND THAT'S WHAT COUNTS.

YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD,
SON, AND I AM PROUD OF YOU.

- AND I AM PROUD
OF YOU, HERBERT.

- WELL, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH, WINNIE.

SON, I KNOW THAT I
GROWL AND GRUMBLE A LOT,

BUT UNDERNEATH
THIS ROUGH EXTERIOR,

I'M NOT SUCH A BAD GUY.

LISTEN, YOU JUST FORGET ALL
I SAID ABOUT NO MORE MONEY.

HERE. GO OUT AND GET
YOURSELF ANOTHER GIRL.

- OH, GEE, DAD,
YOU'RE ALL HEART.

I'M SORRY I COULDN'T
HAVE ONE THIS ONE FOR YOU.

- YOU TRIED, DOBIE, AND
THAT'S WHAT MATTERS.

- CERTAINLY, AND AFTER ALL,
THERE'S NO DISGRACE TO LOSING

TO A GUY LIKE
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.

WITH ALL HIS LOOT AND BRAINS
AND TROPHIES AND STUFF LIKE THAT?

- WELL, I DIDN'T
EXACTLY LOSE HER

TO CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.

- OH, SOME FOOTBALL PLAYER, HUH,

WITH A BIG NECK
AND STUFF LIKE THAT?

- WELL, NOT EXACTLY.

- WELL, EXACTLY WHO
DID YOU LOSE HER TOO?

- DOBE, SALLY BEAN AND
ME ARE LIKE ENGAGED.

I RAN RIGHT OVER TO TELL
YOU. LOOK, SHE GAVE ME A RING.

- YOU LOST TO...
AND STUFF LIKE THAT?

OUT. OUT. OUT. OUT. OUT. OUT.

- DOBE?
- MAYNARD, GO AWAY.

- I KNOW YOU THINK I'M
AN ARNOLD BENEDICT.

- THAT'S BENEDICT ARNOLD,
BUT YOU'VE GOT THE RIGHT IDEA.

- OH, BUT I WANT TO BE
BUDDIES AGAIN, DOBE.

I MEAN, I DON'T WANT
TO BE WITH NO CHICK.

I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.

- SO SALLY BEAN DUMPED YOU, HUH?

- NO. I DUMPED HER.
- FOR WHAT?

- WELL, SHE DID A
TERRIBLE THING, DOBE,

A TERRIBLE THING.

- WHAT?
- I'D RATHER NOT SAY.

- OH, YOU CAN TELL ME.

- WELL, SHE KISSED ME.
- NO.

- YEAH. THEY'RE ALL LIKE, DOBE,

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.
THEY'RE ALL ALIKE.

- TOUGH, MAYNARD.

- BUT WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
WE STILL GOT EACH OTHER.

- YES, MAYNARD.
- AND WE ALWAYS WILL.

- I'M AFRAID SO,
MAYNARD. I'M AFRAID SO.

- HEY, DOBE, DID I TELL YOU
ABOUT THE ENDICOTT BUILDING,

THE BIG CRANE AND THE IRON BALL?

- ABOUT A THOUSAND
TIMES, MAYNARD.

- THE GUY GOES...