The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 3, Episode 8 - The Richest Squirrel in Town - full transcript
Mr. Pomfritt reports $41.37 has disappeared from his desk. Earlier that day Maynard arrived to school in a taxi, telling Dobie a squirrel gave him $41.37. Dobie tries to right the wrong, ...
- HI, MAYNARD.
- WELL, LIKE, HI, DOBE.
I'VE BEEN RIDING
IN THIS TAXICAB.
MAN, THAT'S LIVING.
A-OOGA! A-OOGA!
MAKE WAY FOR OLD
MAYNARD G. KREBS
RIDING IN A TAXICAB.
- WHAT HAPPENED, DID YOU
HURT YOUR FOOT OR SOMETHING?
- OH, NOTHING LIKE THAT, DOBE.
IT'S JUST ALL MY LIFE EVER
SINCE I'VE BEEN AN ITTY-BITTY BABY
I WANTED TO RIDE IN A TAXICAB.
WHEN I FINALLY GOT RICH,
THAT'S WHAT I DONE.
- YOU GOT RICH?
- JUST SITTING BACK THERE
AND EVERYBODY LOOKING
AND SAYING, "WELL,
WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
OLD MAYNARD G. KREBS
RIDING IN A TAXICAB."
- MAYNARD, HOW?
- OH, IT'S EASY, DOBE.
ALL YOU GOT TO DO
IS GO... [WHISTLES] CAB!
AND YOU GET IN AND
YOU SHUT THE DOOR.
- NO, NO, NO, MAYNARD.
HOW'D YOU GET RICH?
- WELL, IT'S, LIKE, EASY, DOBE,
ALL YOU NEED IS LOTS OF MONEY.
- I KNOW, MAYNARD,
BUT WHERE'D YOU GET THE MONEY?
- WHAT MONEY?
- THE MONEY TO GO GOOFING
AROUND IN A TAXICAB.
- OH, A SQUIRREL GAVE
IT TO ME. COME ON, DOBIE.
- A SQUIRREL GAVE IT TO YOU?
- MY FRIEND, MAYNARD G. KREBS,
HAS COME UP WITH QUITE
A FEW LULUS IN HIS DAY
BUT YOU'VE GOT TO ADMIT THAT
THE STORY ABOUT THE SQUIRREL'S
PRETTY MUCH OF A SUPER LULU,
EVEN FOR MAYNARD.
IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW MAYNARD
YOU'D SAY THAT HE WAS
STRETCHING THE TRUTH.
THAT'S NOT EXACTLY SO.
BY NOW HE'S PROBABLY
GOT HIMSELF HALF-CONVINCED
THAT HE REALLY DID GET
SOME MONEY FROM A SQUIRREL.
THE THING TO REMEMBER
ABOUT MAYNARD IS
THAT HE LIVES IN A LITTLE
FAR-OFF WORLD OF HIS OWN.
- THE FUNNY FARM?
- YEP, THAT'S WHERE
THEY'RE GONNA SEND YOU
IF YOU TELL ANYBODY ELSE
THAT STORY ABOUT THE SQUIRREL.
- BUT IT'S, LIKE, TRUE, DOBE.
- MAYNARD, ENOUGH.
YOU KNOW AND I KNOW THAT
THE SQUIRREL IS ALL FANTASY.
- NOT THIS SQUIRREL, DOBE.
THIS SQUIRREL IS ALL HEART
AND A VERY GENEROUS SQUIRREL
AND HE'LL GIVE YOU $41.37.
- $41.00?
- AND 37 CENTS.
- RATHER ODD, ISN'T IT?
- WHAT'S SO RATHER ODD ABOUT IT?
I MEAN, I'M ALL THE
TIME GIVING HIM STUFF
LIKE OLD PEANUTS AND CANDY
AND IF HE SHOULD HAVE SOME
OLD MONEY LYING AROUND
WHY SHOULDN'T HE GIVE IT TO ME?
- LOOK, MAYNARD, A SQUIRREL
DOESN'T JUST WALK UP TO YOU
AND GIVE YOU $41.37.
- LIKE, TRUE.
HE DIDN'T WALK. HE,
LIKE, HIPPITY-HOPPED.
YOU KNOW, LIKE...
HI, MR. POMFRITT, SIR.
- CLASS WILL BE SEATED
AND YOU, MR. KREBS, WILL
HIPPITY HOP BACK TO YOUR SEAT
LIKE A GOOD BUNNY RABBIT.
- OH, NOT A BUNNY RABBIT,
MR. POMFRITT SIR, A SQUIRREL.
I WAS JUST TELLING DOBE
ABOUT THE SQUIRREL THAT...
- ENOUGH, MR. KREBS.
AND A WORD TO THE WISE...
STEER CLEAR OF SQUIRRELS.
- HEY, DOBIE, HOW AM I
GONNA STEER CLEAR OF...
- MR. KREBS!
- PRESENT.
- MAY I REMIND YOU
THAT YESTERDAY FOR
WHISPERING IN CLASS
I IMPOSED A PUNISHMENT ON YOU
NOT USUALLY GIVEN
BEYOND GRAMMAR SCHOOL.
- GO RIGHT AHEAD.
- GO RIGHT AHEAD AND WHAT?
- GO RIGHT AHEAD AND REMIND ME.
- I JUST WANT YOU TO
REALIZE, MR. KREBS,
THAT IT IS A VERY SELDOM
A JUNIOR COLLEGE STUDENT
IS KEPT AFTER CLASS
TO CLAP ERASERS!
- NOW WHERE WAS I?
- LIKE, BACK THERE BY YOUR DESK.
- THANK YOU, MR. KREBS.
- LIKE, DON'T MENTION IT.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I'M SORRY I'M LATE
AND I'M AFRAID CLASS IS
GONNA BE VERY SHORT TODAY.
THE FACT IS THAT
I'M IN A FOUL MOOD
BECAUSE I DIDN'T
HAVE ANY BREAKFAST
AND THE REASON I DIDN'T
HAVE ANY BREAKFAST
IS THAT THE GAS COMPANY
HAS TURNED OFF MY GAS.
ALSO THE ELECTRIC COMPANY
HAS TURNED OFF MY ELECTRICITY
AND THE WATER COMPANY
HAS TURNED OFF MY WATER.
THESE CALAMITIES
HAVE BEFALLEN ME
FOR THE SIMPLE REASON
THAT I FAILED TO PAY MY BILLS.
- I DON'T CARE IF YOU FLUNK
ME FOR SAYING IT, MR. POMFRITT,
BUT YOU TEACHERS DESERVE
AN INCREASE IN WAGES.
- AND MORE PAY, TOO.
- THANK YOU, BUT YOU
MISTAKE MY MEANING.
IT WASN'T THAT I
DIDN'T HAVE THE MONEY.
MY WIFE GAVE IT TO
ME YESTERDAY MORNING
AND I PUT IT RIGHT HERE
IN THE TOP LEFT-HAND
DRAWER OF MY DESK.
UNFORTUNATELY, I FORGOT
IT WHEN I LEFT SCHOOL
AND WHEN I RETURNED
FOR IT AN HOUR LATER,
IT WAS GONE.
- YOU MEAN, SOMEBODY TOOK IT?
- ALL $41.37.
- $41.37?
- EXACTLY.
STUDENTS...
AND I USE THE TERM
LOOSELY, OF COURSE...
I HAVE DEVOTED MANY
LONG AND TEDIOUS HOURS
TRYING TO EDUCATE YOU.
BELIEVE ME, IT'S BEEN
AN UPHILL BATTLE.
HOWEVER, I DON'T EXPECT ANYONE
TO BUILD ME A STATUE FOR IT.
IN FACT, I DON'T EVEN
EXPECT A SIMPLE THANK YOU.
BUT STEALING MONEY
OUT OF MY DESK,
THIS I REALLY DON'T HAVE COMING.
I'M PAINED AND
DEEPLY DISAPPOINTED.
FRANKLY, I JUST DON'T
KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY,
SO CLASS IS DISMISSED FOR TODAY.
NOW, THE HOMEWORK
ASSIGNMENT, AS YOU MAY REMEMBER,
IS TO READ 20 PAGES IN YOUR
TEXTBOOK FOR TOMORROW.
LET'S MAKE THAT
60 PAGES INSTEAD.
AND NO EXCUSES WILL BE ACCEPTED.
- LIKE, WOW, THE GAS
COMPANY TURNED OFF THE GAS,
I MEAN, THAT'S, LIKE, TOUGH.
YOU COULDN'T EVEN KILL YOURSELF
IF YOU WANTED TO.
- MAYNARD, MAYNARD,
I THINK WE OUGHT
TO HAVE A LITTLE TALK.
- JUST A MINUTE, DOBE,
I'M TRYING TO FIGURE
WHO THE DIRTY RAT WAS
THAT STOLE MR. POMFRITT'S GOLD.
- WHY DON'T WE FIGURE
IT OUT TOGETHER?
- YOU MEAN, LIKE, BE DETECTIVES?
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- OH, DOBE, THAT'S
A SWINGING IDEA.
I'LL GO HOME AND GET
MY MAGNIFYING GLASS
AND MY SHERLOCK HOLMES HAT.
- I DON'T THINK THAT'LL
BE NECESSARY, MAYNARD.
SOMEHOW I FEEL THAT
THE MAN WE'RE LOOKING FOR
HAS BEEN LESS THAN
DIABOLICALLY CLEVER.
- OH, YEAH, DOBE,
THEY ALWAYS MAKE THAT
ONE FATAL MISTAKE, HUH?
- THE ONE WE'RE AFTER
JUST SET A NEW WORLD'S RECORD.
FOR INSTANCE, THERE'S THE
AMOUNT OF MONEY TAKEN, $41.37.
RING ANY KIND OF A BELL?
- OH, YEAH, DOBE, I'M
WAY AHEAD OF YOU.
ALL WE GOT TO DO IS SEARCH
EVERYBODY ON CAMPUS
AND WE FIND THE
$41.37, WE GOT HIM.
- YOU'RE FORGETTING
MOTIVE AND OPPORTUNITY.
- I AM?
- WHOEVER TOOK THE MONEY
WOULD HAVE NEEDED TWO THINGS:
MOTIVE AND OPPORTUNITY.
- OH, YEAH, NOW
WE'RE GETTING THERE.
WHOEVER TOOK THE MONEY
WOULD NEED TWO THINGS:
MOTIVE AND OPPORTUNITY.
SOUNDS JUST LIKE PERRY MASON.
- MM-HMM.
- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
- WELL, MOTIVE WOULD MEAN
A REASON TO TAKE THE MONEY,
LIKE AN OVERPOWERING URGE
TO DO SOMETHING EXPENSIVE.
- LIKE RIDING A
TAXICAB OR LIKE THAT.
- LIKE THAT. AND AS FAR
AS OPPORTUNITY GOES...
- YEAH, TELL ME
ABOUT THAT, DOBE.
- WELL, MAYNARD, ANYONE
WHO WAS KEPT AFTER SCHOOL
WOULD HAVE HAD A PERFECT...
MAYNARD?
- WHAT'S THE TROUBLE, DOBE?
- MAYNARD, DON'T YOU FEEL
THE WEB CLOSING IN ON YOU?
- WEB? WEB? WHAT?
- MAYNARD, MAYNARD.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU
TOLD ME THIS MORNING
ABOUT GETTING RICH?
- YEAH?
- WELL, GET POOR AGAIN,
MAYNARD. GIVE THE MONEY BACK.
- OH, DON'T BE SILLY, DOBE.
WHAT DOES A SQUIRREL
NEED WITH ALL THAT MONEY?
HE'D RATHER HAVE,
LIKE, NUTS AND CANDY...
- MAYNARD!
- YEAH, DOBE?
- MAYNARD?
- I'M RIGHT HERE, DOBE.
- MAYNARD.
- I HATE TO SAY
THIS, GOOD BUDDY,
BUT I THINK YOUR
NEEDLE'S, LIKE, STUCK.
- MAYNARD, GIVE THE
MONEY TO MR. POMFRITT.
- YEAH, I ALREADY
THOUGHT OF THAT
AND, MAN, HE SURE COULD USE IT
BUT IT'S ALL GONE.
- ARE THOSE YOUR LAST WORDS?
- OH, NO, NONE OF THEM
LAST-WORD JAZZ FOR ME.
I MEAN, THERE'S SONGS TO BE
SUNG AND FLINGS TO BE FLUNG
AND TAXICABS...
- OKAY, MAYNARD, IF
THAT'S THE WAY IT IS
THIS PUTS US ON DIFFERENT
SIDES OF THE FENCE.
- WHAT FENCE, DOBE,
I DON'T SEE NO FENCE.
- WHAT I'M TRYING
TO SAY IS... THIS IS IT.
- THIS IS WHAT?
HEY, DOBE, BUT
DON'T YOU FEEL WELL?
WELL, I MEAN, YOU'RE
PLENTY SCROUNGY,
I MEAN... TO GET HOME.
OH, SEE, IT'S TOO BAD I SPENT
ALL THAT SQUIRREL MONEY
OR I COULD TAKE YOU
HOME IN A TAXICAB.
- MAYNARD, THAT DOES IT.
- POOR DOBE, HIT
HIM JUST LIKE THAT.
HEY, DOBE, WAIT UP.
HEY, DOBE? DOBE?
- NEVER MIND THE CONVERSATION,
JUST ANSWER THIS QUESTION,
ARE YOU OR ARE YOU NOT
GONNA GIVE BACK THE MONEY?
- TO A SQUIRREL?
- GOODBYE, EX-GOOD BUDDY.
- OH...
OH, HE'S WIGGED, THAT'S WHAT.
HEY, DOBE, WAIT, PLEASE DON'T.
HEY, DOBE? DOBE?
WAIT UP, DOBE. DOBE, DOBE?
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, DOBE,
I THINK YOU'RE
TRYING TO DUCK ME.
- YOU'RE NOT GONNA
GIVE BACK THE MONEY?
- WHAT MONEY?
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
- ABOUT WHAT?
- I AM DUCKING YOU.
- LIKE, WOW-WHOO, MAN,
YOU BUSTED THROUGH
THE SOUND BARRIER,
I MEAN, YOU'RE IN ORBIT,
I MEAN, YOU'RE GONE,
I MEAN... TALK TO
ME, GOOD BUDDY.
I MEAN, SAY ANYTHING, SOMETHING.
I MEAN, JUST NOD,
BLINK YOUR EYES,
WIGGLE YOUR EARS.
TALK TO ME!
- HELLO, BOYS.
- DON'T HAVE HYSTERICS, MRS. G.
DOBE IS PRETTY SICK.
- SICK?
- LIKE, LOST HIS VOICE
AND EVERYTHING.
- LOST HIS VOICE?
- IT'S ALL RIGHT, MOM, I'M OKAY.
- HEY, DOBE, YOUR
VOICE, LIKE, CAME BACK.
- WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT?
- WOULD YOU KINDLY TELL MAYNARD
THAT THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG WITH MY VOICE.
I'M JUST NOT TALKING TO
HIM ANYMORE, THAT'S ALL.
- I THINK HE'S, LIKE, DELIRIOUS.
- AND I'M NOT DELIRIOUS, EITHER.
- I SEE. YOU BOYS
HAVE HAD A QUARREL.
- [HUMMING]
- DAD, DAD, I GOTTA TALK
TO YOU FOR A MINUTE.
- SURE THING, SON.
- I DON'T KNOW, MRS. G, ALL
OF A SUDDEN HE JUST FLIPPED.
BUT DON'T YOU WORRY,
IT'S TIMES LIKE THIS
WHEN A FELLA NEEDS
HIS GOOD BUDDY THE MOST
AND I'M STICKING BY OLD DOBE.
- AND BEFORE YOU
SAY ONE WORD, SON,
I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER
THAT I WAS A BOY ONCE MYSELF.
NOW, WHAT'S YOUR TROUBLE?
ARE YOU SHORT?
- YES, SIR.
- HOW MUCH DO YOU NEED,
I HAPPEN TO BE IN A
BENEVOLENT MOOD.
TWO BITS, FOUR BITS, SIX BITS?
- $41.37.
- YEAH, WHAT'D YOU SAY, BOY?
- I SAID I NEEDED $41.37.
- [CHUCKLES] YOU KNOW, WINNIE...
I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT, I
BETTER GO SEE AN EAR DOCTOR.
I'D SWEAR THAT DOBIE
JUST SAID HE NEEDED $41.37
AND THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT HE DID SAY.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
HAVE YOU TOSSED YOUR
TOUPEE COMPLETELY?
- NOW, HERBERT...
- BUT I'VE GOTTA HAVE IT, DAD.
- YOU GOTTA HAVE IT. WHAT
ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH IT,
CORNER THE GOLD MARKET?
- WELL, I CAN'T TELL
YOU, DAD. I JUST NEED IT.
- IT'S OKAY, MR. G.
HE'S LIKE, DELIRIOUS.
- YEAH, I'LL PAY YOU
BACK OUT OF MY WAGES.
- OUT OF YOUR WAGES?
BOY, YOU ARE INTO ME NOW
DOWN UNTIL THE LAST
PART OF THE 23rd CENTURY.
- NOW, HERBERT, IF THE BOY
HAS GOT TO HAVE THE MONEY,
HE HAS GOT TO HAVE THE MONEY.
- AND IF THE MAN WHO
INVENTED THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
HAD LEFT OUT TWO LITTLE WORDS
I WOULD BE A RICH MAN TODAY,
TWO CRUMMY LITTLE WORDS.
- NOW, HERBERT.
- THEM'S THE WORDS.
"NOW, HERBERT."
YOU'RE GONNA "NOW, HERBERT"
ME INTO THE POORHOUSE.
- THE BOY WOULD NOT ASK YOU
FOR THE MONEY IF HE DIDN'T NEED IT.
CAN'T YOU SEE THAT
THIS IS SERIOUS?
- SERIOUS? WELL, $41.37
IS NO LAUGHING MATTER,
EITHER, YOU KNOW.
- $41.37? THAT'S AN ODD AMOUNT.
- THERE'S A LOT OF
IT GOING AROUND.
- 41 DOLLARS AND...
37 CENTS.
- OH, THANKS, DAD.
- THINK NOTHING OF IT.
IT'S JUST MY LIFE'S BLOOD.
- YOU'RE A FINE MAN,
HERBERT. THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE.
- NO, I AM A FINE MAN WHO IS
COMPLETELY OUT OF HIS SKULL.
THAT'S WHAT I AM.
- WELL, I'VE GOTTA GO NOW.
THANKS AGAIN.
- NOW I GOTTA GO
NOW, SO THANKS AGAIN.
- SEND US A CARD FROM
MONTE CARLO, SPORT.
OH, BOY, IF I AIN'T
THE SOFTEST TOUCH
THIS SIDE OF THE JOLLY RANCH,
I'LL PUT IN WITH YOU.
- NOW, HERBERT.
- THERE IT IS AGAIN, WINNIE.
CUT THAT OUT, GIRL.
- THIS IS MAYNARD G.
KREBS, TODAY A NAME,
TOMORROW PERHAPS A NUMBER
UNLESS DESPERATE MEASURES
ARE TAKEN AND QUICKLY.
POOR MAYNARD,
HE CERTAINLY DOESN'T
LOOK LIKE A CRIMINAL.
HE LOOKS MORE
LIKE A... LIKE A...
WELL, HE'S MY FRIEND AND HE'S
HAD ENOUGH TROUBLE ALREADY
WITHOUT GOING INTO THAT.
BUT SOMEHOW, SOMEWHERE
HE TOOK A WRONG TURN
AND SOMETHING
SNAPPED IN HIS HEAD.
IT'S UP TO ME TO SAVE HIM.
- HEY, DOBE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- GOT TO PUT THE MONEY
BACK IN MR. POMFRITT'S DESK.
- OH, WHAT MONEY?
- $41.37.
- HOW COME?
- SSH! QUIET!
- HOLD IT!
DOBIE!
- OH, HI, MR. POMFRITT
I WAS JUST...
- YOU?!
- LOOK, YOU GOT IT
WRONG, MR. POMFRITT.
- YEAH, YOU GOT
WRONG, MR. POMFRITT.
- EXACTLY $41.37.
- OH, NOW, JUST A
MINUTE, MR. POMFRITT,
I DIDN'T TAKE THAT MONEY.
- YEAH, HE DIDN'T
TAKE THAT MONEY.
- OH, THEN WHY ARE
YOU RETURNING IT?
- YEAH, WHY ARE
YOU RETURNING IT?
I MEAN, DOBE, IF
YOU GOT AN ANSWER,
NOW'S A GOOD TIME
TO COME UP WITH IT.
- I'M WAITING.
- YEAH, WE'RE, LIKE, WAITING.
- MR. POMFRITT...
MR. POMFRITT, I DIDN'T
TAKE THAT MONEY
BUT I KNOW WHO DID.
- SEE? I KNEW HE HAD ANSWER.
HE DIDN'T TAKE THAT MONEY
BUT HE KNOWS WHO DID.
COME ON, TELL US,
GOOD BUDDY, COME ON.
- WHY DON'T YOU
TELL US, MAYNARD?
- DOBIE, YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY
BE ACCUSING MAYNARD
OF TAKING THAT MONEY.
- I'M NOT SAYING I AM AND
I'M NOT SAYING I'M NOT.
- WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
- I'M NOT SAYING.
- FOR SHAME, DOBIE.
- YEAH, LIKE, FOR SHAME.
- NOW, I ADMIT I
DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY
HAVE COME OVER YOU
TO MAKE YOU STEAL THAT MONEY,
A FINE, DECENT BOY LIKE YOU,
BUT YOU HAVE DONE IT.
NOW ISN'T THAT BAD ENOUGH?
DOBIE, ISN'T STEALING
DISGRACEFUL ENOUGH?
DO YOU HAVE TO LIE, TOO?
- BUT MR. POMFRITT...
- AND SUCH A PATHETIC
LIE, ACCUSING MAYNARD.
OH, WE ALL KNOW THAT HE'S, UH...
- DIFFERENT?
- YEAH, DIFFERENT.
DIFFERENT.
BUT UNDERNEATH
THAT SHABBY EXTERIOR
THERE BEATS THE PURE
AND SIMPLE HEART OF A CHILD.
FOR SHAME, DOBIE.
- BUT MR. POMFRITT...
- NOW, DOBIE, YOU'VE
MADE RESTITUTION,
AND AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED
THE CASE IS CLOSED.
- BUT I'M INNOCENT, I
TELL YOU, INNOCENT.
- THAT GOES DOUBLE FOR ME.
- BUDDY, I TELL YOU I
DIDN'T TAKE THE $41.37!
SO GO BE A BIG HERO.
SEE WHAT IT GETS YOU.
MR. POMFRITT THINKS
I STOLE HIS MONEY,
I OWE MY DAD $41.37 HARD LABOR,
AND MY MOTHER
KEEPS LOOKING AT ME
LIKE SHE EXPECTS ME
TO ELOPE OR SOMETHING.
PRESIDENT KENNEDY SAID
THINGS WERE GONNA GET WORSE
BEFORE THEY GOT BETTER
BUT I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS
REFERRING DIRECTLY TO ME.
- LIKE, HI, DOBE.
YOU NOTICE ANYTHING
DIFFERENT ABOUT ME?
- MAYNARD, GO AWAY.
- I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT.
LOOK AT MY FEET.
- LOOK, I'M NOT WEARING
SNEAKERS ANYMORE.
I'M WEARING SHOES WITH
REAL HARD TOES ON THEM.
MY OLD ARMY SHOES.
YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?
- NO.
- HERE'S WHY.
- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THAT'S FOR,
THAT'S FOR BEING MEAN
AND ROTTEN ENOUGH
TO STEAL FROM A NICE
MAN LIKE MR. POMFRITT.
MAN, YOU'VE SUNK PRETTY
LOW ON THE HUMAN SCALE.
I MEAN, YOU'RE DOWN THERE
AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN
WITH THEM WRIGGLY,
SQUIGGLY JELLYFISH
WHO DO NOTHING BUT
SIT AROUND ALL DAY
AND STEAL OYSTERS
FROM EACH OTHER.
- OH, THERE YOU ARE, DOBIE.
- OH, MR. POMFRITT.
- NOW, HOLD IT JUST
A MINUTE, DOBIE.
I'VE GOT SOMETHING
TO SAY TO YOU.
- SO HAVE I, I DIDN'T
TAKE YOUR MONEY.
- OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T.
I REALIZE THAT NOW.
- OH, GEE, MR. POMFRITT
YOU CERTAINLY...
- IT WASN'T THE REAL YOU
THAT TOOK THAT MONEY.
IT WAS JUST SOMEBODY
THAT LOOKS LIKE YOU.
- HE DOESN'T LOOK
TOO MUCH LIKE ME.
- COME TO THINK OF IT, I DO
NOTICE A CERTAIN CRUELTY
AROUND THE EYES,
A CERTAIN RUTHLESSNESS
ABOVE THAT JAWLINE.
- I'M TALKING ABOUT MY EX-FRIEND
MAYNARD G. KREBS, BOY CROOK.
- PLEASE, DOBIE,
I HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT
MAYNARD IS TAKING THIS VERY HARD
AND SO AM I.
I CONFESS I DIDN'T
SLEEP A WINK LAST NIGHT.
I JUST LAID THERE AND WONDERED,
WHAT COULD DRIVE A NICE BOY
LIKE YOU TO A LIFE OF CRIME?
- WELL, STOP WONDERING,
MR. POMFRITT. IF YOU LISTEN...
- EVERYTHING ALL
RIGHT AT HOME, DOBIE?
- FINE, MR. POMFRITT, LOOK...
- YOUR PARENTS
GET ALONG ALL RIGHT?
- GREAT, MR. POMFRITT.
- THERE'S NO FRICTIONS,
RESENTMENTS,
SUBCONSCIOUS RIVALRY?
- LOOK, EVERYTHING'S
FINE AT HOME.
GREAT, GRAND, WONDERFUL, SEN...
- AH-AH-AH!
- HYPER-DEFENSIVE,
IMMEDIATE HOSTILITY AT
THE MENTION OF HOME LIFE.
- PLEASE, MR. POMFRITT,
ALL I WANTED TO DO...
- DON'T WORRY, DOBIE,
IF YOU CAN BE SAVED,
WE'LL SAVE YOU.
- BEAUTIFUL,
MR. GILLIS, BEAUTIFUL.
- YEAH, I'LL SAY THAT IS
KIND OF AESTHETIC-LIKE.
HEY, POMFRITT, I
WANNA TALK TO YOU.
- WELL, THAT MAKES IT UNANIMOUS.
- WELL, WHAT ARE YOU
TEACHING THAT KID OF MINE
UP THERE AT THE COLLEGE,
CRAP SHOOTING?
ROULETTE? OR WHAT?
HE'S IN HERE A FEW MINUTES
AGO AND NICKS ME FOR $41.00.
NOW LISTEN POMF... AND 37 CENTS.
I WANT MY BOY TO GET
A GOOD EDUCATION...
- NOW HOLD IT A
MINUTE, MR. GILLIS.
- I AM NOT MADE OF MONEY!
- HOLD IT A MINUTE.
BEFORE YOU CONTINUE
WITH THIS SOUND AND FURY
SIGNIFYING NOTHING,
I HAVE ONE OR TWO
THINGS TO SAY TO YOU.
- START TALKING,
IT IS YOUR NICKEL.
- WELL, IN THE FIRST PLACE
ALTHOUGH YOU MIGHT CONSIDER
YOURSELF A DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH,
MY OWN EVALUATION IS OF
A SOMEWHAT LOWER ORDER.
- WOULD YOU MIND BREAKING THAT
DOWN INTO SIMPLE UNITED STATES?
- I'D BE DELIGHTED.
IN SIMPLE UNITED
STATES, MR. GILLIS,
I CONSIDER YOU A
LOUDMOUTH BLOWHARD.
- AND I CONSIDER YOU ARE LOOKING
FOR A KNUCKLE
SANDWICH, CHAUNCEY.
WELL, IF YOU WISH TO RESORT TO
THE PHYSICAL AFTER I'M FINISHED
I SHALL BE DELIGHTED
TO ACCOMMODATE YOU.
- GOOD.
- ALTHOUGH IT'S
BEEN SEVERAL YEARS
SINCE I WAS INTERCOLLEGIATE
MIDDLEWEIGHT CHAMPION.
- MIDDLEWEIGHT CHAMPION?
- AND NOW WHERE WAS I?
- UH, LOUDMOUTH, BLOWHARD.
- LOUDMOUTH, BLOWHARD
WHO HAS FINALLY DRIVEN HIS SON
RIGHT SMACK OVER THE BRINK.
- BRINK? BRINK?
WHO'S DRIVEN DOBIE
TO THE BRINK OF WHAT?
- OH, I'M SORRY, MRS. GILLIS. THAT
WASN'T MEANT FOR YOUR EARS.
- HERBERT, WHAT IS
HE TALKING ABOUT?
- YEAH, POMFRITT, WHAT
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
LET'S HAVE IT.
- WELL, SEVERAL DAYS AGO
A SUM OF MONEY WAS
STOLEN FROM MY DESK,
AND ALTHOUGH YOUR SON
STILL CLAIMS HE'S INNOCENT,
THERE'S NO DOUBT THAT
HE WAS RESPONSIBLE.
- DOBIE? STEAL?
LOOK, MIDDLEWEIGHT CHAMP OR NOT
YOU ARE COAXING A KNUCKLE-
INFESTED UPPER PLATE, BOY.
- HE IS INNOCENT.
I KNOW MY SON. HE
COULD NEVER BE A THIEF.
- LOOK, MRS. GILLIS, I'M JUST
AS SURPRISED AS YOU ARE.
WHY, I'VE ALWAYS REGARDED DOBIE
AS A NICE, DECENT, HONEST BOY.
- AND YOU CAN BET YOUR
BOOTS THAT IS JUST WHAT HE IS.
- BUT THE MIND IS A STRANGE
AND UNEXPLORED THING.
PSYCHOLOGICAL HISTORY
IS FULL OF CASES OF BOYS
WHO ONE DAY WERE
DECENT, NORMAL, LAW-ABIDING
AND THEN SUDDENLY WHAM,
WITHOUT WARNING,
OVERNIGHT THEY'RE CRIMINALS.
AND WHERE DOES IT COME
FROM? NOBODY KNOWS.
HIDDEN REPRESSIONS, ENVIRONMENT,
PERHAPS A CRIMINAL
STREAK IN THE FAMILY.
- I ALWAYS KNEW THAT
CRIMINAL STREAK IN YOUR FAMILY
WOULD SHOW UP SOMEDAY.
- NOW JUST A DARN MINUTE.
IN THE FIRST PLACE THERE IS
NO CRIMINAL STREAK IN MY FAMILY
AND IN THE SECOND PLACE
IT AIN'T DUE TO SHOW UP
FOR TWO MORE GENERATIONS.
- ARE YOU SURE THERE
ISN'T SOME MISTAKE?
- I'M AFRAID NOT.
I CAUGHT HIM TRYING TO
REPLACE THE $41.37 IN MY DESK.
- $41.37.
- THAT'S WHAT HE
WANTED WITH IT, HUH.
- BUT DON'T FORGET,
I CAUGHT HIM TRYING
TO REPLACE THAT MONEY.
THE BOY CAN STILL BE SAVED.
- BUT WHY WOULD HE DO IT? WHY?
- I DON'T WANNA BE BLUNT
BUT IN 9 CASES OUT OF 10,
THESE THINGS CAN BE TRACED
RIGHT BACK TO THE HOME.
- THE HOME? WINNIE, THAT'S YOU.
- NO, MR. GILLIS, I'M
AFRAID THAT'S YOU.
- ME?
- CERTAINLY!
HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN
SINCE YOU'VE ACTUALLY
COMMUNICATED WITH YOUR SON?
SPENT A DAY WITH HIM?
HAD A GOOD OLD FATHER
AND SON ROUGH-HOUSE?
- OH, ROUGH-HOUSE! I GAVE HIM
A SLIGHT POP ON THE
EAR JUST LAST WEEK.
HE WAS STACKING THE SAUERKRAUT
IN WITH THE CANNED PEACHES.
- YOU'VE BEEN TOO
HARD ON THE BOY.
- OH, WINNIE, I'M ALL SHOOK UP. I
DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
- JUST SAY THAT YOU'LL TRY TO BE
A BUDDY TO YOUR SON, MR. GILLIS.
WIN BACK HIS AFFECTION.
- THAT I WILL,
POMFY, AND THANKS.
- THANK YOU, MR. GILLIS,
OH, AND I SAID A
FEW WORDS IN ANGER.
- OH, FORGET IT.
A LITTLE STRAIGHT TALK BETWEEN
FRIENDS NEVER HURT ANYBODY.
- MR. GILLIS, YOU'RE A
GENTLEMAN AND A GROCER.
- NOW, HERBERT, WHEN
DOBIE COMES HOME...
- WINNIE, WINNIE, WINNIE,
DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING.
I AM GOING TO WIN BACK
THAT BOY'S AFFECTION
IF I HAVE TO BREAK
EVERY BONE IN HIS HEAD!
- HERBERT, THAT'S NOT EXACTLY
WHAT MR. POMFRITT SAID.
- IT'S NOT EXACTLY
WHAT I MEAN, EITHER.
WINNIE, I MEAN, I'M GONNA
BE A FATHER TO THAT BOY.
YOU WATCH AND SEE.
THINGS ARE GONNA
BE JUST LIKE THEY WERE
WHEN HE WAS JUST A
LITTLE SHAVER RUNNING AR...
DOBIE, MY BOY.
AW, COME ON HERE, BOY.
AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU!
- DAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- OH, JUST A LITTLE
OLD-FASHIONED ROUGH-HOUSE.
YOU USED TO LOVE THIS, REMEMBER?
- YEAH, DAD,
BUT I'M TIRED RIGHT NOW, DAD.
- HOW ABOUT THAT FOR A HOLD?
THERE'S STILL A LOT OF
PEPPER IN THE OLD MAN.
- I DON'T LIKE TO
INTERFERE, DEAR,
BUT I THINK YOU'RE
STRANGLING THE BOY.
- OH, DON'T WANNA
ROUGH-HOUSE, HUH?
- YOUR DAD'S JUST TRYING TO
MAKE A BUDDY OF YOU, DEAR.
- OH, WELL, GEE,
THAT'S SWELL, DAD.
- HEY, I GOT IT! I GOT IT!
- GOT WHAT?
- LOOK, WE'RE GONNA CLOSE
UP THE STORE RIGHT NOW
AND GUESS WHAT?
- WHAT?
- GIVE ME YOUR HAND, SON,
YOU AND I ARE GOING TO THE ZOO.
WE'LL HAVE ICE CREAM AND
POPCORN AND PINK LEMONADE...
- DAD, DAD, DAD, PLEASE,
LISTEN. THEY TORE DOWN THE ZOO.
- THEY TORE IT DOWN?
- YEAH.
- OH, WELL, WHO NEEDS
AN OLD ZOO ANYWAY?
WE'LL HAVE FUN RIGHT HERE.
HEY, REMEMBER THIS?
- DAD WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?
- PLAYING HORSEY BACK.
- DAD, I'M A COLLEGE
STUDENT AND A VETERAN.
- YOU ALWAYS USED TO
LIKE TO PLAY HORSEY BACK.
- MOM, WHAT'S THE
MATTER WITH DAD?
- HE'S JUST TRYING TO
WIN YOUR AFFECTION, DEAR.
- WELL, I GUESS I'M JUST A
FAILURE AS A FATHER, THAT'S ALL.
- OH, NO, DAD, HONEST, I
WOULDN'T CALL YOU A FAILURE.
A FIZZLE MAYBE,
BUT NOT A FAILURE.
- WELL, I'M NOT GIVIN' UP
SO YOU AND I ARE GONNA
BE BUDDIES OR ELSE.
HEY, I GOT A GREAT IDEA.
COME ON, DOBE.
LET'S YOU AND I GO
OUT IN THE ALLEY, HUH?
WE'LL PLAY A LITTLE STICKBALL.
I'LL SHOW YOU HOW OLD
"BABE RUTH" HERBERT T. GILLIS
USED TO STEP UP...
[MUTTERING] I'LL CLEAN UP.
- I'LL HELP YOU, DEAR.
- OW! OH! OH! OH!
[DOOR SLAMS]
- YOU WEAR SHIN GUARDS?
- YEAH.
- DON'T YOU WISH YOU WERE?
- MAN, THAT SMARTS.
- THAT'S WHAT YOU GET
FOR BEING A NO-GOOD RAT.
- OH, NO, DOBE, YOU'RE
THE NO-GOOD RAT.
YOU TOOK MR. POMFRITT'S
MONEY, REMEMBER?
- MAYNARD, ENOUGH. YOU MIGHT
BE ABLE TO FOOL MR. POMFRITT
BUT THERE'S NO USE
TRYING TO FOOL ME.
- OH, ARE YOU, LIKE, CONFUSED?
- NOT ANYMORE, MAYNARD,
I USED TO BE CONFUSED WHEN I
THOUGHT YOU WERE A GOOD GUY.
BUT I SURE FOUND OUT BETTER.
FIRST YOU STEAL
MR. POMFRITT'S MONEY,
AND THEN YOU LET
ME TAKE THE BLAME.
- BOY, I SURE HOPE YOU
GOT YOUR FINGERS CROSSED
'CAUSE YOU JUST TOLD
THE BIGGEST WHOPPER
IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.
- WELL, COMING FROM
YOU THAT'S A COMPLIMENT
BECAUSE YOU'RE THE
GRAND CHAMPION OF ALL TIME.
A SQUIRREL WALKED
UP AND GAVE YOU $41.37.
- YOU'RE WRONG,
DOBIE, HE DIDN'T WALK.
HE, LIKE,
HIPPITY-HOPPED, LIKE THAT.
- LIKE WHAT?
- LIKE THAT?
- SEE, DOBIE, HOW
HE WALKS AND ALL.
- MAYNARD, LOOK, LOOK.
- MAYNARD, I GET IT NOW.
THE SQUIRREL TOOK IT.
- TOOK WHAT?
- MR. POMFRITT'S MONEY.
- OH, NO, DOBIE, LIKE
CONFUSED AGAIN,
YOU'RE THE ONE THAT TOOK MR...
- MAYNARD!
- NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DONE.
YOU SCARED THE SQUIRREL AWAY.
- HEY, LOOK, DOBIE, HE'S
HEADING FOR THAT HOLLOW TREE.
- MAYNARD, FORGET THE SQUIRREL.
DON'T YOU KNOW WHY I PUT
THAT MONEY BACK IN THE DRAWER?
BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU STOLE
IT AND I WANTED TO PROTECT YOU.
- YOU DID THAT FOR
ME, GOOD BUDDY?
- YEAH.
- OH, MAN, YOU'RE ALL HEART.
THERE'S ONLY ONE THING.
- WHAT?
- THIS.
- WHAT'S THAT FOR?
- FOR THINKING I STOLE THE
MONEY IN THE FIRST PLACE.
NOW THERE GOES
MR. POMFRITT, COME ON.
- COME ON,
MR. POMFRITT, YOU'LL SEE.
- I CERTAINLY HOPE I OWE
YOU AN APOLOGY, DOBIE,
BUT I MUST SAY...
IS THIS THE PLACE?
- YEAH, JUST, LIKE, REACH IN.
- YEAH.
- WELL, I DON'T SEEM
TO... WAIT A MINUTE.
- SEE?
- BUT THIS IS YESTERDAY'S
ASSIGNMENT SHEET
AND LAST WEEK'S
AND... HOLY MACKEREL.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER,
MR. POMFRITT?
- IT'S MY WIFE'S
ANNIVERSARY CARD,
THREE WEEKS LATE.
NO WONDER SHE'S
BEEN FEEDING ME BEANS.
- WELL, MR. POMFRITT,
AREN'T YOU A LITTLE ASHAMED?
- OF WHAT?
- OF JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS
AND CALLING ME A THIEF.
- HOW ABOUT YOU
JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS
AND CALLING ME A THIEF?
- WELL, HOW ABOUT YOU?
YOU JUMPED TO CONCLUSIONS
AND YOU CALLED ME A THIEF
AND YOU KICKED ME, TOO.
- LET'S FACE IT, BOYS.
WE ALL JUMPED TO CONCLUSIONS,
AND LET THAT BE A LESSON TO US:
LOOK BEFORE WE LEAP.
- THAT'S RIGHT. ALL THAT
GLITTERS IS NOT GOLD.
- THAT'S RIGHT. STUFF A
COLD AND STARVE A FEVER.
- MR. GILLIS, WE'VE BOTH DONE
YOUR SON A TERRIBLE INJUSTICE.
- YES, TERRIBLE.
- WHAT WAS THAT?
WHAT DID HE SAY?
- MRS. GILLIS, YOUR SON IS
INNOCENT OF ANY WRONGDOING.
I'M AFRAID I'VE
MISJUDGED HIM GREATLY.
- I KNEW MY DOBIE
COULDN'T STEAL ANYTHING.
- AND SO DID I.
- AND SO DID I.
- AND SO DID I... WAY DOWN DEEP.
- DOBE, CAN YOU
LEND ME A QUARTER?
- OH, YEAH, SURE.
I THOUGHT I HAD A QUARTER HERE.
NOPE, NOPE, ALL I GOT'S A DOLLAR
AND I NEED THAT
FOR THE STREETCAR
UNLESS YOU CAN GET IT CHANGED.
- I DON'T KNOW, DOBE, THE
STUDENT STORE IS CLOSED.
OH, WAIT A MINUTE.
I GOT, LIKE, AN IDEA.
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
HERBIE?
- [CHATTERING]
- HI.
CAN YOU GET ME
CHANGE, HERBIE, PLEASE?
[CLICK CLICK]
[COINS JANGLING]
[CASH-REGISTER-LIKE BELL DINGS]
COME ON, HERBIE.
- WELL, LIKE, HI, DOBE.
I'VE BEEN RIDING
IN THIS TAXICAB.
MAN, THAT'S LIVING.
A-OOGA! A-OOGA!
MAKE WAY FOR OLD
MAYNARD G. KREBS
RIDING IN A TAXICAB.
- WHAT HAPPENED, DID YOU
HURT YOUR FOOT OR SOMETHING?
- OH, NOTHING LIKE THAT, DOBE.
IT'S JUST ALL MY LIFE EVER
SINCE I'VE BEEN AN ITTY-BITTY BABY
I WANTED TO RIDE IN A TAXICAB.
WHEN I FINALLY GOT RICH,
THAT'S WHAT I DONE.
- YOU GOT RICH?
- JUST SITTING BACK THERE
AND EVERYBODY LOOKING
AND SAYING, "WELL,
WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
OLD MAYNARD G. KREBS
RIDING IN A TAXICAB."
- MAYNARD, HOW?
- OH, IT'S EASY, DOBE.
ALL YOU GOT TO DO
IS GO... [WHISTLES] CAB!
AND YOU GET IN AND
YOU SHUT THE DOOR.
- NO, NO, NO, MAYNARD.
HOW'D YOU GET RICH?
- WELL, IT'S, LIKE, EASY, DOBE,
ALL YOU NEED IS LOTS OF MONEY.
- I KNOW, MAYNARD,
BUT WHERE'D YOU GET THE MONEY?
- WHAT MONEY?
- THE MONEY TO GO GOOFING
AROUND IN A TAXICAB.
- OH, A SQUIRREL GAVE
IT TO ME. COME ON, DOBIE.
- A SQUIRREL GAVE IT TO YOU?
- MY FRIEND, MAYNARD G. KREBS,
HAS COME UP WITH QUITE
A FEW LULUS IN HIS DAY
BUT YOU'VE GOT TO ADMIT THAT
THE STORY ABOUT THE SQUIRREL'S
PRETTY MUCH OF A SUPER LULU,
EVEN FOR MAYNARD.
IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW MAYNARD
YOU'D SAY THAT HE WAS
STRETCHING THE TRUTH.
THAT'S NOT EXACTLY SO.
BY NOW HE'S PROBABLY
GOT HIMSELF HALF-CONVINCED
THAT HE REALLY DID GET
SOME MONEY FROM A SQUIRREL.
THE THING TO REMEMBER
ABOUT MAYNARD IS
THAT HE LIVES IN A LITTLE
FAR-OFF WORLD OF HIS OWN.
- THE FUNNY FARM?
- YEP, THAT'S WHERE
THEY'RE GONNA SEND YOU
IF YOU TELL ANYBODY ELSE
THAT STORY ABOUT THE SQUIRREL.
- BUT IT'S, LIKE, TRUE, DOBE.
- MAYNARD, ENOUGH.
YOU KNOW AND I KNOW THAT
THE SQUIRREL IS ALL FANTASY.
- NOT THIS SQUIRREL, DOBE.
THIS SQUIRREL IS ALL HEART
AND A VERY GENEROUS SQUIRREL
AND HE'LL GIVE YOU $41.37.
- $41.00?
- AND 37 CENTS.
- RATHER ODD, ISN'T IT?
- WHAT'S SO RATHER ODD ABOUT IT?
I MEAN, I'M ALL THE
TIME GIVING HIM STUFF
LIKE OLD PEANUTS AND CANDY
AND IF HE SHOULD HAVE SOME
OLD MONEY LYING AROUND
WHY SHOULDN'T HE GIVE IT TO ME?
- LOOK, MAYNARD, A SQUIRREL
DOESN'T JUST WALK UP TO YOU
AND GIVE YOU $41.37.
- LIKE, TRUE.
HE DIDN'T WALK. HE,
LIKE, HIPPITY-HOPPED.
YOU KNOW, LIKE...
HI, MR. POMFRITT, SIR.
- CLASS WILL BE SEATED
AND YOU, MR. KREBS, WILL
HIPPITY HOP BACK TO YOUR SEAT
LIKE A GOOD BUNNY RABBIT.
- OH, NOT A BUNNY RABBIT,
MR. POMFRITT SIR, A SQUIRREL.
I WAS JUST TELLING DOBE
ABOUT THE SQUIRREL THAT...
- ENOUGH, MR. KREBS.
AND A WORD TO THE WISE...
STEER CLEAR OF SQUIRRELS.
- HEY, DOBIE, HOW AM I
GONNA STEER CLEAR OF...
- MR. KREBS!
- PRESENT.
- MAY I REMIND YOU
THAT YESTERDAY FOR
WHISPERING IN CLASS
I IMPOSED A PUNISHMENT ON YOU
NOT USUALLY GIVEN
BEYOND GRAMMAR SCHOOL.
- GO RIGHT AHEAD.
- GO RIGHT AHEAD AND WHAT?
- GO RIGHT AHEAD AND REMIND ME.
- I JUST WANT YOU TO
REALIZE, MR. KREBS,
THAT IT IS A VERY SELDOM
A JUNIOR COLLEGE STUDENT
IS KEPT AFTER CLASS
TO CLAP ERASERS!
- NOW WHERE WAS I?
- LIKE, BACK THERE BY YOUR DESK.
- THANK YOU, MR. KREBS.
- LIKE, DON'T MENTION IT.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I'M SORRY I'M LATE
AND I'M AFRAID CLASS IS
GONNA BE VERY SHORT TODAY.
THE FACT IS THAT
I'M IN A FOUL MOOD
BECAUSE I DIDN'T
HAVE ANY BREAKFAST
AND THE REASON I DIDN'T
HAVE ANY BREAKFAST
IS THAT THE GAS COMPANY
HAS TURNED OFF MY GAS.
ALSO THE ELECTRIC COMPANY
HAS TURNED OFF MY ELECTRICITY
AND THE WATER COMPANY
HAS TURNED OFF MY WATER.
THESE CALAMITIES
HAVE BEFALLEN ME
FOR THE SIMPLE REASON
THAT I FAILED TO PAY MY BILLS.
- I DON'T CARE IF YOU FLUNK
ME FOR SAYING IT, MR. POMFRITT,
BUT YOU TEACHERS DESERVE
AN INCREASE IN WAGES.
- AND MORE PAY, TOO.
- THANK YOU, BUT YOU
MISTAKE MY MEANING.
IT WASN'T THAT I
DIDN'T HAVE THE MONEY.
MY WIFE GAVE IT TO
ME YESTERDAY MORNING
AND I PUT IT RIGHT HERE
IN THE TOP LEFT-HAND
DRAWER OF MY DESK.
UNFORTUNATELY, I FORGOT
IT WHEN I LEFT SCHOOL
AND WHEN I RETURNED
FOR IT AN HOUR LATER,
IT WAS GONE.
- YOU MEAN, SOMEBODY TOOK IT?
- ALL $41.37.
- $41.37?
- EXACTLY.
STUDENTS...
AND I USE THE TERM
LOOSELY, OF COURSE...
I HAVE DEVOTED MANY
LONG AND TEDIOUS HOURS
TRYING TO EDUCATE YOU.
BELIEVE ME, IT'S BEEN
AN UPHILL BATTLE.
HOWEVER, I DON'T EXPECT ANYONE
TO BUILD ME A STATUE FOR IT.
IN FACT, I DON'T EVEN
EXPECT A SIMPLE THANK YOU.
BUT STEALING MONEY
OUT OF MY DESK,
THIS I REALLY DON'T HAVE COMING.
I'M PAINED AND
DEEPLY DISAPPOINTED.
FRANKLY, I JUST DON'T
KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY,
SO CLASS IS DISMISSED FOR TODAY.
NOW, THE HOMEWORK
ASSIGNMENT, AS YOU MAY REMEMBER,
IS TO READ 20 PAGES IN YOUR
TEXTBOOK FOR TOMORROW.
LET'S MAKE THAT
60 PAGES INSTEAD.
AND NO EXCUSES WILL BE ACCEPTED.
- LIKE, WOW, THE GAS
COMPANY TURNED OFF THE GAS,
I MEAN, THAT'S, LIKE, TOUGH.
YOU COULDN'T EVEN KILL YOURSELF
IF YOU WANTED TO.
- MAYNARD, MAYNARD,
I THINK WE OUGHT
TO HAVE A LITTLE TALK.
- JUST A MINUTE, DOBE,
I'M TRYING TO FIGURE
WHO THE DIRTY RAT WAS
THAT STOLE MR. POMFRITT'S GOLD.
- WHY DON'T WE FIGURE
IT OUT TOGETHER?
- YOU MEAN, LIKE, BE DETECTIVES?
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- OH, DOBE, THAT'S
A SWINGING IDEA.
I'LL GO HOME AND GET
MY MAGNIFYING GLASS
AND MY SHERLOCK HOLMES HAT.
- I DON'T THINK THAT'LL
BE NECESSARY, MAYNARD.
SOMEHOW I FEEL THAT
THE MAN WE'RE LOOKING FOR
HAS BEEN LESS THAN
DIABOLICALLY CLEVER.
- OH, YEAH, DOBE,
THEY ALWAYS MAKE THAT
ONE FATAL MISTAKE, HUH?
- THE ONE WE'RE AFTER
JUST SET A NEW WORLD'S RECORD.
FOR INSTANCE, THERE'S THE
AMOUNT OF MONEY TAKEN, $41.37.
RING ANY KIND OF A BELL?
- OH, YEAH, DOBE, I'M
WAY AHEAD OF YOU.
ALL WE GOT TO DO IS SEARCH
EVERYBODY ON CAMPUS
AND WE FIND THE
$41.37, WE GOT HIM.
- YOU'RE FORGETTING
MOTIVE AND OPPORTUNITY.
- I AM?
- WHOEVER TOOK THE MONEY
WOULD HAVE NEEDED TWO THINGS:
MOTIVE AND OPPORTUNITY.
- OH, YEAH, NOW
WE'RE GETTING THERE.
WHOEVER TOOK THE MONEY
WOULD NEED TWO THINGS:
MOTIVE AND OPPORTUNITY.
SOUNDS JUST LIKE PERRY MASON.
- MM-HMM.
- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
- WELL, MOTIVE WOULD MEAN
A REASON TO TAKE THE MONEY,
LIKE AN OVERPOWERING URGE
TO DO SOMETHING EXPENSIVE.
- LIKE RIDING A
TAXICAB OR LIKE THAT.
- LIKE THAT. AND AS FAR
AS OPPORTUNITY GOES...
- YEAH, TELL ME
ABOUT THAT, DOBE.
- WELL, MAYNARD, ANYONE
WHO WAS KEPT AFTER SCHOOL
WOULD HAVE HAD A PERFECT...
MAYNARD?
- WHAT'S THE TROUBLE, DOBE?
- MAYNARD, DON'T YOU FEEL
THE WEB CLOSING IN ON YOU?
- WEB? WEB? WHAT?
- MAYNARD, MAYNARD.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU
TOLD ME THIS MORNING
ABOUT GETTING RICH?
- YEAH?
- WELL, GET POOR AGAIN,
MAYNARD. GIVE THE MONEY BACK.
- OH, DON'T BE SILLY, DOBE.
WHAT DOES A SQUIRREL
NEED WITH ALL THAT MONEY?
HE'D RATHER HAVE,
LIKE, NUTS AND CANDY...
- MAYNARD!
- YEAH, DOBE?
- MAYNARD?
- I'M RIGHT HERE, DOBE.
- MAYNARD.
- I HATE TO SAY
THIS, GOOD BUDDY,
BUT I THINK YOUR
NEEDLE'S, LIKE, STUCK.
- MAYNARD, GIVE THE
MONEY TO MR. POMFRITT.
- YEAH, I ALREADY
THOUGHT OF THAT
AND, MAN, HE SURE COULD USE IT
BUT IT'S ALL GONE.
- ARE THOSE YOUR LAST WORDS?
- OH, NO, NONE OF THEM
LAST-WORD JAZZ FOR ME.
I MEAN, THERE'S SONGS TO BE
SUNG AND FLINGS TO BE FLUNG
AND TAXICABS...
- OKAY, MAYNARD, IF
THAT'S THE WAY IT IS
THIS PUTS US ON DIFFERENT
SIDES OF THE FENCE.
- WHAT FENCE, DOBE,
I DON'T SEE NO FENCE.
- WHAT I'M TRYING
TO SAY IS... THIS IS IT.
- THIS IS WHAT?
HEY, DOBE, BUT
DON'T YOU FEEL WELL?
WELL, I MEAN, YOU'RE
PLENTY SCROUNGY,
I MEAN... TO GET HOME.
OH, SEE, IT'S TOO BAD I SPENT
ALL THAT SQUIRREL MONEY
OR I COULD TAKE YOU
HOME IN A TAXICAB.
- MAYNARD, THAT DOES IT.
- POOR DOBE, HIT
HIM JUST LIKE THAT.
HEY, DOBE, WAIT UP.
HEY, DOBE? DOBE?
- NEVER MIND THE CONVERSATION,
JUST ANSWER THIS QUESTION,
ARE YOU OR ARE YOU NOT
GONNA GIVE BACK THE MONEY?
- TO A SQUIRREL?
- GOODBYE, EX-GOOD BUDDY.
- OH...
OH, HE'S WIGGED, THAT'S WHAT.
HEY, DOBE, WAIT, PLEASE DON'T.
HEY, DOBE? DOBE?
WAIT UP, DOBE. DOBE, DOBE?
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, DOBE,
I THINK YOU'RE
TRYING TO DUCK ME.
- YOU'RE NOT GONNA
GIVE BACK THE MONEY?
- WHAT MONEY?
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
- ABOUT WHAT?
- I AM DUCKING YOU.
- LIKE, WOW-WHOO, MAN,
YOU BUSTED THROUGH
THE SOUND BARRIER,
I MEAN, YOU'RE IN ORBIT,
I MEAN, YOU'RE GONE,
I MEAN... TALK TO
ME, GOOD BUDDY.
I MEAN, SAY ANYTHING, SOMETHING.
I MEAN, JUST NOD,
BLINK YOUR EYES,
WIGGLE YOUR EARS.
TALK TO ME!
- HELLO, BOYS.
- DON'T HAVE HYSTERICS, MRS. G.
DOBE IS PRETTY SICK.
- SICK?
- LIKE, LOST HIS VOICE
AND EVERYTHING.
- LOST HIS VOICE?
- IT'S ALL RIGHT, MOM, I'M OKAY.
- HEY, DOBE, YOUR
VOICE, LIKE, CAME BACK.
- WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT?
- WOULD YOU KINDLY TELL MAYNARD
THAT THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG WITH MY VOICE.
I'M JUST NOT TALKING TO
HIM ANYMORE, THAT'S ALL.
- I THINK HE'S, LIKE, DELIRIOUS.
- AND I'M NOT DELIRIOUS, EITHER.
- I SEE. YOU BOYS
HAVE HAD A QUARREL.
- [HUMMING]
- DAD, DAD, I GOTTA TALK
TO YOU FOR A MINUTE.
- SURE THING, SON.
- I DON'T KNOW, MRS. G, ALL
OF A SUDDEN HE JUST FLIPPED.
BUT DON'T YOU WORRY,
IT'S TIMES LIKE THIS
WHEN A FELLA NEEDS
HIS GOOD BUDDY THE MOST
AND I'M STICKING BY OLD DOBE.
- AND BEFORE YOU
SAY ONE WORD, SON,
I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER
THAT I WAS A BOY ONCE MYSELF.
NOW, WHAT'S YOUR TROUBLE?
ARE YOU SHORT?
- YES, SIR.
- HOW MUCH DO YOU NEED,
I HAPPEN TO BE IN A
BENEVOLENT MOOD.
TWO BITS, FOUR BITS, SIX BITS?
- $41.37.
- YEAH, WHAT'D YOU SAY, BOY?
- I SAID I NEEDED $41.37.
- [CHUCKLES] YOU KNOW, WINNIE...
I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT, I
BETTER GO SEE AN EAR DOCTOR.
I'D SWEAR THAT DOBIE
JUST SAID HE NEEDED $41.37
AND THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT HE DID SAY.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
HAVE YOU TOSSED YOUR
TOUPEE COMPLETELY?
- NOW, HERBERT...
- BUT I'VE GOTTA HAVE IT, DAD.
- YOU GOTTA HAVE IT. WHAT
ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH IT,
CORNER THE GOLD MARKET?
- WELL, I CAN'T TELL
YOU, DAD. I JUST NEED IT.
- IT'S OKAY, MR. G.
HE'S LIKE, DELIRIOUS.
- YEAH, I'LL PAY YOU
BACK OUT OF MY WAGES.
- OUT OF YOUR WAGES?
BOY, YOU ARE INTO ME NOW
DOWN UNTIL THE LAST
PART OF THE 23rd CENTURY.
- NOW, HERBERT, IF THE BOY
HAS GOT TO HAVE THE MONEY,
HE HAS GOT TO HAVE THE MONEY.
- AND IF THE MAN WHO
INVENTED THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
HAD LEFT OUT TWO LITTLE WORDS
I WOULD BE A RICH MAN TODAY,
TWO CRUMMY LITTLE WORDS.
- NOW, HERBERT.
- THEM'S THE WORDS.
"NOW, HERBERT."
YOU'RE GONNA "NOW, HERBERT"
ME INTO THE POORHOUSE.
- THE BOY WOULD NOT ASK YOU
FOR THE MONEY IF HE DIDN'T NEED IT.
CAN'T YOU SEE THAT
THIS IS SERIOUS?
- SERIOUS? WELL, $41.37
IS NO LAUGHING MATTER,
EITHER, YOU KNOW.
- $41.37? THAT'S AN ODD AMOUNT.
- THERE'S A LOT OF
IT GOING AROUND.
- 41 DOLLARS AND...
37 CENTS.
- OH, THANKS, DAD.
- THINK NOTHING OF IT.
IT'S JUST MY LIFE'S BLOOD.
- YOU'RE A FINE MAN,
HERBERT. THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE.
- NO, I AM A FINE MAN WHO IS
COMPLETELY OUT OF HIS SKULL.
THAT'S WHAT I AM.
- WELL, I'VE GOTTA GO NOW.
THANKS AGAIN.
- NOW I GOTTA GO
NOW, SO THANKS AGAIN.
- SEND US A CARD FROM
MONTE CARLO, SPORT.
OH, BOY, IF I AIN'T
THE SOFTEST TOUCH
THIS SIDE OF THE JOLLY RANCH,
I'LL PUT IN WITH YOU.
- NOW, HERBERT.
- THERE IT IS AGAIN, WINNIE.
CUT THAT OUT, GIRL.
- THIS IS MAYNARD G.
KREBS, TODAY A NAME,
TOMORROW PERHAPS A NUMBER
UNLESS DESPERATE MEASURES
ARE TAKEN AND QUICKLY.
POOR MAYNARD,
HE CERTAINLY DOESN'T
LOOK LIKE A CRIMINAL.
HE LOOKS MORE
LIKE A... LIKE A...
WELL, HE'S MY FRIEND AND HE'S
HAD ENOUGH TROUBLE ALREADY
WITHOUT GOING INTO THAT.
BUT SOMEHOW, SOMEWHERE
HE TOOK A WRONG TURN
AND SOMETHING
SNAPPED IN HIS HEAD.
IT'S UP TO ME TO SAVE HIM.
- HEY, DOBE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- GOT TO PUT THE MONEY
BACK IN MR. POMFRITT'S DESK.
- OH, WHAT MONEY?
- $41.37.
- HOW COME?
- SSH! QUIET!
- HOLD IT!
DOBIE!
- OH, HI, MR. POMFRITT
I WAS JUST...
- YOU?!
- LOOK, YOU GOT IT
WRONG, MR. POMFRITT.
- YEAH, YOU GOT
WRONG, MR. POMFRITT.
- EXACTLY $41.37.
- OH, NOW, JUST A
MINUTE, MR. POMFRITT,
I DIDN'T TAKE THAT MONEY.
- YEAH, HE DIDN'T
TAKE THAT MONEY.
- OH, THEN WHY ARE
YOU RETURNING IT?
- YEAH, WHY ARE
YOU RETURNING IT?
I MEAN, DOBE, IF
YOU GOT AN ANSWER,
NOW'S A GOOD TIME
TO COME UP WITH IT.
- I'M WAITING.
- YEAH, WE'RE, LIKE, WAITING.
- MR. POMFRITT...
MR. POMFRITT, I DIDN'T
TAKE THAT MONEY
BUT I KNOW WHO DID.
- SEE? I KNEW HE HAD ANSWER.
HE DIDN'T TAKE THAT MONEY
BUT HE KNOWS WHO DID.
COME ON, TELL US,
GOOD BUDDY, COME ON.
- WHY DON'T YOU
TELL US, MAYNARD?
- DOBIE, YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY
BE ACCUSING MAYNARD
OF TAKING THAT MONEY.
- I'M NOT SAYING I AM AND
I'M NOT SAYING I'M NOT.
- WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
- I'M NOT SAYING.
- FOR SHAME, DOBIE.
- YEAH, LIKE, FOR SHAME.
- NOW, I ADMIT I
DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY
HAVE COME OVER YOU
TO MAKE YOU STEAL THAT MONEY,
A FINE, DECENT BOY LIKE YOU,
BUT YOU HAVE DONE IT.
NOW ISN'T THAT BAD ENOUGH?
DOBIE, ISN'T STEALING
DISGRACEFUL ENOUGH?
DO YOU HAVE TO LIE, TOO?
- BUT MR. POMFRITT...
- AND SUCH A PATHETIC
LIE, ACCUSING MAYNARD.
OH, WE ALL KNOW THAT HE'S, UH...
- DIFFERENT?
- YEAH, DIFFERENT.
DIFFERENT.
BUT UNDERNEATH
THAT SHABBY EXTERIOR
THERE BEATS THE PURE
AND SIMPLE HEART OF A CHILD.
FOR SHAME, DOBIE.
- BUT MR. POMFRITT...
- NOW, DOBIE, YOU'VE
MADE RESTITUTION,
AND AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED
THE CASE IS CLOSED.
- BUT I'M INNOCENT, I
TELL YOU, INNOCENT.
- THAT GOES DOUBLE FOR ME.
- BUDDY, I TELL YOU I
DIDN'T TAKE THE $41.37!
SO GO BE A BIG HERO.
SEE WHAT IT GETS YOU.
MR. POMFRITT THINKS
I STOLE HIS MONEY,
I OWE MY DAD $41.37 HARD LABOR,
AND MY MOTHER
KEEPS LOOKING AT ME
LIKE SHE EXPECTS ME
TO ELOPE OR SOMETHING.
PRESIDENT KENNEDY SAID
THINGS WERE GONNA GET WORSE
BEFORE THEY GOT BETTER
BUT I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS
REFERRING DIRECTLY TO ME.
- LIKE, HI, DOBE.
YOU NOTICE ANYTHING
DIFFERENT ABOUT ME?
- MAYNARD, GO AWAY.
- I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT.
LOOK AT MY FEET.
- LOOK, I'M NOT WEARING
SNEAKERS ANYMORE.
I'M WEARING SHOES WITH
REAL HARD TOES ON THEM.
MY OLD ARMY SHOES.
YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?
- NO.
- HERE'S WHY.
- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THAT'S FOR,
THAT'S FOR BEING MEAN
AND ROTTEN ENOUGH
TO STEAL FROM A NICE
MAN LIKE MR. POMFRITT.
MAN, YOU'VE SUNK PRETTY
LOW ON THE HUMAN SCALE.
I MEAN, YOU'RE DOWN THERE
AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN
WITH THEM WRIGGLY,
SQUIGGLY JELLYFISH
WHO DO NOTHING BUT
SIT AROUND ALL DAY
AND STEAL OYSTERS
FROM EACH OTHER.
- OH, THERE YOU ARE, DOBIE.
- OH, MR. POMFRITT.
- NOW, HOLD IT JUST
A MINUTE, DOBIE.
I'VE GOT SOMETHING
TO SAY TO YOU.
- SO HAVE I, I DIDN'T
TAKE YOUR MONEY.
- OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T.
I REALIZE THAT NOW.
- OH, GEE, MR. POMFRITT
YOU CERTAINLY...
- IT WASN'T THE REAL YOU
THAT TOOK THAT MONEY.
IT WAS JUST SOMEBODY
THAT LOOKS LIKE YOU.
- HE DOESN'T LOOK
TOO MUCH LIKE ME.
- COME TO THINK OF IT, I DO
NOTICE A CERTAIN CRUELTY
AROUND THE EYES,
A CERTAIN RUTHLESSNESS
ABOVE THAT JAWLINE.
- I'M TALKING ABOUT MY EX-FRIEND
MAYNARD G. KREBS, BOY CROOK.
- PLEASE, DOBIE,
I HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT
MAYNARD IS TAKING THIS VERY HARD
AND SO AM I.
I CONFESS I DIDN'T
SLEEP A WINK LAST NIGHT.
I JUST LAID THERE AND WONDERED,
WHAT COULD DRIVE A NICE BOY
LIKE YOU TO A LIFE OF CRIME?
- WELL, STOP WONDERING,
MR. POMFRITT. IF YOU LISTEN...
- EVERYTHING ALL
RIGHT AT HOME, DOBIE?
- FINE, MR. POMFRITT, LOOK...
- YOUR PARENTS
GET ALONG ALL RIGHT?
- GREAT, MR. POMFRITT.
- THERE'S NO FRICTIONS,
RESENTMENTS,
SUBCONSCIOUS RIVALRY?
- LOOK, EVERYTHING'S
FINE AT HOME.
GREAT, GRAND, WONDERFUL, SEN...
- AH-AH-AH!
- HYPER-DEFENSIVE,
IMMEDIATE HOSTILITY AT
THE MENTION OF HOME LIFE.
- PLEASE, MR. POMFRITT,
ALL I WANTED TO DO...
- DON'T WORRY, DOBIE,
IF YOU CAN BE SAVED,
WE'LL SAVE YOU.
- BEAUTIFUL,
MR. GILLIS, BEAUTIFUL.
- YEAH, I'LL SAY THAT IS
KIND OF AESTHETIC-LIKE.
HEY, POMFRITT, I
WANNA TALK TO YOU.
- WELL, THAT MAKES IT UNANIMOUS.
- WELL, WHAT ARE YOU
TEACHING THAT KID OF MINE
UP THERE AT THE COLLEGE,
CRAP SHOOTING?
ROULETTE? OR WHAT?
HE'S IN HERE A FEW MINUTES
AGO AND NICKS ME FOR $41.00.
NOW LISTEN POMF... AND 37 CENTS.
I WANT MY BOY TO GET
A GOOD EDUCATION...
- NOW HOLD IT A
MINUTE, MR. GILLIS.
- I AM NOT MADE OF MONEY!
- HOLD IT A MINUTE.
BEFORE YOU CONTINUE
WITH THIS SOUND AND FURY
SIGNIFYING NOTHING,
I HAVE ONE OR TWO
THINGS TO SAY TO YOU.
- START TALKING,
IT IS YOUR NICKEL.
- WELL, IN THE FIRST PLACE
ALTHOUGH YOU MIGHT CONSIDER
YOURSELF A DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH,
MY OWN EVALUATION IS OF
A SOMEWHAT LOWER ORDER.
- WOULD YOU MIND BREAKING THAT
DOWN INTO SIMPLE UNITED STATES?
- I'D BE DELIGHTED.
IN SIMPLE UNITED
STATES, MR. GILLIS,
I CONSIDER YOU A
LOUDMOUTH BLOWHARD.
- AND I CONSIDER YOU ARE LOOKING
FOR A KNUCKLE
SANDWICH, CHAUNCEY.
WELL, IF YOU WISH TO RESORT TO
THE PHYSICAL AFTER I'M FINISHED
I SHALL BE DELIGHTED
TO ACCOMMODATE YOU.
- GOOD.
- ALTHOUGH IT'S
BEEN SEVERAL YEARS
SINCE I WAS INTERCOLLEGIATE
MIDDLEWEIGHT CHAMPION.
- MIDDLEWEIGHT CHAMPION?
- AND NOW WHERE WAS I?
- UH, LOUDMOUTH, BLOWHARD.
- LOUDMOUTH, BLOWHARD
WHO HAS FINALLY DRIVEN HIS SON
RIGHT SMACK OVER THE BRINK.
- BRINK? BRINK?
WHO'S DRIVEN DOBIE
TO THE BRINK OF WHAT?
- OH, I'M SORRY, MRS. GILLIS. THAT
WASN'T MEANT FOR YOUR EARS.
- HERBERT, WHAT IS
HE TALKING ABOUT?
- YEAH, POMFRITT, WHAT
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
LET'S HAVE IT.
- WELL, SEVERAL DAYS AGO
A SUM OF MONEY WAS
STOLEN FROM MY DESK,
AND ALTHOUGH YOUR SON
STILL CLAIMS HE'S INNOCENT,
THERE'S NO DOUBT THAT
HE WAS RESPONSIBLE.
- DOBIE? STEAL?
LOOK, MIDDLEWEIGHT CHAMP OR NOT
YOU ARE COAXING A KNUCKLE-
INFESTED UPPER PLATE, BOY.
- HE IS INNOCENT.
I KNOW MY SON. HE
COULD NEVER BE A THIEF.
- LOOK, MRS. GILLIS, I'M JUST
AS SURPRISED AS YOU ARE.
WHY, I'VE ALWAYS REGARDED DOBIE
AS A NICE, DECENT, HONEST BOY.
- AND YOU CAN BET YOUR
BOOTS THAT IS JUST WHAT HE IS.
- BUT THE MIND IS A STRANGE
AND UNEXPLORED THING.
PSYCHOLOGICAL HISTORY
IS FULL OF CASES OF BOYS
WHO ONE DAY WERE
DECENT, NORMAL, LAW-ABIDING
AND THEN SUDDENLY WHAM,
WITHOUT WARNING,
OVERNIGHT THEY'RE CRIMINALS.
AND WHERE DOES IT COME
FROM? NOBODY KNOWS.
HIDDEN REPRESSIONS, ENVIRONMENT,
PERHAPS A CRIMINAL
STREAK IN THE FAMILY.
- I ALWAYS KNEW THAT
CRIMINAL STREAK IN YOUR FAMILY
WOULD SHOW UP SOMEDAY.
- NOW JUST A DARN MINUTE.
IN THE FIRST PLACE THERE IS
NO CRIMINAL STREAK IN MY FAMILY
AND IN THE SECOND PLACE
IT AIN'T DUE TO SHOW UP
FOR TWO MORE GENERATIONS.
- ARE YOU SURE THERE
ISN'T SOME MISTAKE?
- I'M AFRAID NOT.
I CAUGHT HIM TRYING TO
REPLACE THE $41.37 IN MY DESK.
- $41.37.
- THAT'S WHAT HE
WANTED WITH IT, HUH.
- BUT DON'T FORGET,
I CAUGHT HIM TRYING
TO REPLACE THAT MONEY.
THE BOY CAN STILL BE SAVED.
- BUT WHY WOULD HE DO IT? WHY?
- I DON'T WANNA BE BLUNT
BUT IN 9 CASES OUT OF 10,
THESE THINGS CAN BE TRACED
RIGHT BACK TO THE HOME.
- THE HOME? WINNIE, THAT'S YOU.
- NO, MR. GILLIS, I'M
AFRAID THAT'S YOU.
- ME?
- CERTAINLY!
HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN
SINCE YOU'VE ACTUALLY
COMMUNICATED WITH YOUR SON?
SPENT A DAY WITH HIM?
HAD A GOOD OLD FATHER
AND SON ROUGH-HOUSE?
- OH, ROUGH-HOUSE! I GAVE HIM
A SLIGHT POP ON THE
EAR JUST LAST WEEK.
HE WAS STACKING THE SAUERKRAUT
IN WITH THE CANNED PEACHES.
- YOU'VE BEEN TOO
HARD ON THE BOY.
- OH, WINNIE, I'M ALL SHOOK UP. I
DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
- JUST SAY THAT YOU'LL TRY TO BE
A BUDDY TO YOUR SON, MR. GILLIS.
WIN BACK HIS AFFECTION.
- THAT I WILL,
POMFY, AND THANKS.
- THANK YOU, MR. GILLIS,
OH, AND I SAID A
FEW WORDS IN ANGER.
- OH, FORGET IT.
A LITTLE STRAIGHT TALK BETWEEN
FRIENDS NEVER HURT ANYBODY.
- MR. GILLIS, YOU'RE A
GENTLEMAN AND A GROCER.
- NOW, HERBERT, WHEN
DOBIE COMES HOME...
- WINNIE, WINNIE, WINNIE,
DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING.
I AM GOING TO WIN BACK
THAT BOY'S AFFECTION
IF I HAVE TO BREAK
EVERY BONE IN HIS HEAD!
- HERBERT, THAT'S NOT EXACTLY
WHAT MR. POMFRITT SAID.
- IT'S NOT EXACTLY
WHAT I MEAN, EITHER.
WINNIE, I MEAN, I'M GONNA
BE A FATHER TO THAT BOY.
YOU WATCH AND SEE.
THINGS ARE GONNA
BE JUST LIKE THEY WERE
WHEN HE WAS JUST A
LITTLE SHAVER RUNNING AR...
DOBIE, MY BOY.
AW, COME ON HERE, BOY.
AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU!
- DAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- OH, JUST A LITTLE
OLD-FASHIONED ROUGH-HOUSE.
YOU USED TO LOVE THIS, REMEMBER?
- YEAH, DAD,
BUT I'M TIRED RIGHT NOW, DAD.
- HOW ABOUT THAT FOR A HOLD?
THERE'S STILL A LOT OF
PEPPER IN THE OLD MAN.
- I DON'T LIKE TO
INTERFERE, DEAR,
BUT I THINK YOU'RE
STRANGLING THE BOY.
- OH, DON'T WANNA
ROUGH-HOUSE, HUH?
- YOUR DAD'S JUST TRYING TO
MAKE A BUDDY OF YOU, DEAR.
- OH, WELL, GEE,
THAT'S SWELL, DAD.
- HEY, I GOT IT! I GOT IT!
- GOT WHAT?
- LOOK, WE'RE GONNA CLOSE
UP THE STORE RIGHT NOW
AND GUESS WHAT?
- WHAT?
- GIVE ME YOUR HAND, SON,
YOU AND I ARE GOING TO THE ZOO.
WE'LL HAVE ICE CREAM AND
POPCORN AND PINK LEMONADE...
- DAD, DAD, DAD, PLEASE,
LISTEN. THEY TORE DOWN THE ZOO.
- THEY TORE IT DOWN?
- YEAH.
- OH, WELL, WHO NEEDS
AN OLD ZOO ANYWAY?
WE'LL HAVE FUN RIGHT HERE.
HEY, REMEMBER THIS?
- DAD WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?
- PLAYING HORSEY BACK.
- DAD, I'M A COLLEGE
STUDENT AND A VETERAN.
- YOU ALWAYS USED TO
LIKE TO PLAY HORSEY BACK.
- MOM, WHAT'S THE
MATTER WITH DAD?
- HE'S JUST TRYING TO
WIN YOUR AFFECTION, DEAR.
- WELL, I GUESS I'M JUST A
FAILURE AS A FATHER, THAT'S ALL.
- OH, NO, DAD, HONEST, I
WOULDN'T CALL YOU A FAILURE.
A FIZZLE MAYBE,
BUT NOT A FAILURE.
- WELL, I'M NOT GIVIN' UP
SO YOU AND I ARE GONNA
BE BUDDIES OR ELSE.
HEY, I GOT A GREAT IDEA.
COME ON, DOBE.
LET'S YOU AND I GO
OUT IN THE ALLEY, HUH?
WE'LL PLAY A LITTLE STICKBALL.
I'LL SHOW YOU HOW OLD
"BABE RUTH" HERBERT T. GILLIS
USED TO STEP UP...
[MUTTERING] I'LL CLEAN UP.
- I'LL HELP YOU, DEAR.
- OW! OH! OH! OH!
[DOOR SLAMS]
- YOU WEAR SHIN GUARDS?
- YEAH.
- DON'T YOU WISH YOU WERE?
- MAN, THAT SMARTS.
- THAT'S WHAT YOU GET
FOR BEING A NO-GOOD RAT.
- OH, NO, DOBE, YOU'RE
THE NO-GOOD RAT.
YOU TOOK MR. POMFRITT'S
MONEY, REMEMBER?
- MAYNARD, ENOUGH. YOU MIGHT
BE ABLE TO FOOL MR. POMFRITT
BUT THERE'S NO USE
TRYING TO FOOL ME.
- OH, ARE YOU, LIKE, CONFUSED?
- NOT ANYMORE, MAYNARD,
I USED TO BE CONFUSED WHEN I
THOUGHT YOU WERE A GOOD GUY.
BUT I SURE FOUND OUT BETTER.
FIRST YOU STEAL
MR. POMFRITT'S MONEY,
AND THEN YOU LET
ME TAKE THE BLAME.
- BOY, I SURE HOPE YOU
GOT YOUR FINGERS CROSSED
'CAUSE YOU JUST TOLD
THE BIGGEST WHOPPER
IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.
- WELL, COMING FROM
YOU THAT'S A COMPLIMENT
BECAUSE YOU'RE THE
GRAND CHAMPION OF ALL TIME.
A SQUIRREL WALKED
UP AND GAVE YOU $41.37.
- YOU'RE WRONG,
DOBIE, HE DIDN'T WALK.
HE, LIKE,
HIPPITY-HOPPED, LIKE THAT.
- LIKE WHAT?
- LIKE THAT?
- SEE, DOBIE, HOW
HE WALKS AND ALL.
- MAYNARD, LOOK, LOOK.
- MAYNARD, I GET IT NOW.
THE SQUIRREL TOOK IT.
- TOOK WHAT?
- MR. POMFRITT'S MONEY.
- OH, NO, DOBIE, LIKE
CONFUSED AGAIN,
YOU'RE THE ONE THAT TOOK MR...
- MAYNARD!
- NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DONE.
YOU SCARED THE SQUIRREL AWAY.
- HEY, LOOK, DOBIE, HE'S
HEADING FOR THAT HOLLOW TREE.
- MAYNARD, FORGET THE SQUIRREL.
DON'T YOU KNOW WHY I PUT
THAT MONEY BACK IN THE DRAWER?
BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU STOLE
IT AND I WANTED TO PROTECT YOU.
- YOU DID THAT FOR
ME, GOOD BUDDY?
- YEAH.
- OH, MAN, YOU'RE ALL HEART.
THERE'S ONLY ONE THING.
- WHAT?
- THIS.
- WHAT'S THAT FOR?
- FOR THINKING I STOLE THE
MONEY IN THE FIRST PLACE.
NOW THERE GOES
MR. POMFRITT, COME ON.
- COME ON,
MR. POMFRITT, YOU'LL SEE.
- I CERTAINLY HOPE I OWE
YOU AN APOLOGY, DOBIE,
BUT I MUST SAY...
IS THIS THE PLACE?
- YEAH, JUST, LIKE, REACH IN.
- YEAH.
- WELL, I DON'T SEEM
TO... WAIT A MINUTE.
- SEE?
- BUT THIS IS YESTERDAY'S
ASSIGNMENT SHEET
AND LAST WEEK'S
AND... HOLY MACKEREL.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER,
MR. POMFRITT?
- IT'S MY WIFE'S
ANNIVERSARY CARD,
THREE WEEKS LATE.
NO WONDER SHE'S
BEEN FEEDING ME BEANS.
- WELL, MR. POMFRITT,
AREN'T YOU A LITTLE ASHAMED?
- OF WHAT?
- OF JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS
AND CALLING ME A THIEF.
- HOW ABOUT YOU
JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS
AND CALLING ME A THIEF?
- WELL, HOW ABOUT YOU?
YOU JUMPED TO CONCLUSIONS
AND YOU CALLED ME A THIEF
AND YOU KICKED ME, TOO.
- LET'S FACE IT, BOYS.
WE ALL JUMPED TO CONCLUSIONS,
AND LET THAT BE A LESSON TO US:
LOOK BEFORE WE LEAP.
- THAT'S RIGHT. ALL THAT
GLITTERS IS NOT GOLD.
- THAT'S RIGHT. STUFF A
COLD AND STARVE A FEVER.
- MR. GILLIS, WE'VE BOTH DONE
YOUR SON A TERRIBLE INJUSTICE.
- YES, TERRIBLE.
- WHAT WAS THAT?
WHAT DID HE SAY?
- MRS. GILLIS, YOUR SON IS
INNOCENT OF ANY WRONGDOING.
I'M AFRAID I'VE
MISJUDGED HIM GREATLY.
- I KNEW MY DOBIE
COULDN'T STEAL ANYTHING.
- AND SO DID I.
- AND SO DID I.
- AND SO DID I... WAY DOWN DEEP.
- DOBE, CAN YOU
LEND ME A QUARTER?
- OH, YEAH, SURE.
I THOUGHT I HAD A QUARTER HERE.
NOPE, NOPE, ALL I GOT'S A DOLLAR
AND I NEED THAT
FOR THE STREETCAR
UNLESS YOU CAN GET IT CHANGED.
- I DON'T KNOW, DOBE, THE
STUDENT STORE IS CLOSED.
OH, WAIT A MINUTE.
I GOT, LIKE, AN IDEA.
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
HERBIE?
- [CHATTERING]
- HI.
CAN YOU GET ME
CHANGE, HERBIE, PLEASE?
[CLICK CLICK]
[COINS JANGLING]
[CASH-REGISTER-LIKE BELL DINGS]
COME ON, HERBIE.