The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 3, Episode 7 - Eat, Drink, and Be Merry... for Tomorrow Ker-Boom - full transcript
Dr. Burkhart asks her class to bring items to include in a time capsule, but Maynard refuses, discouraged by his conviction that within a matter of years the world will go "boom, boom, ker-boom!" and there will be nobody left to discover the time capsule.
- MY NAME'S DOBIE GILLIS
AND THIS IS A TIME CAPSULE.
IT REPRESENTS
PERMANENCE AND DURABILITY.
THIS IS A ROCKET.
IT REPRESENTS
PROGRESS AND SCIENCE.
THIS IS MY FRIEND,
MAYNARD G. KREBS.
HE REPRESENTS, WELL,
NOBODY CAN QUITE TELL
WHAT MAYNARD REPRESENTS.
NOW WHAT DO THESE FOUR
THINGS HAVE IN COMMON?
JUST WAIT AND SEE.
[JAZZ THEME]
- WELL, GOOD MORNING, STUDENTS.
AND I USE THE TERM
STUDENTS WHIMSICALLY.
WELL, YOU ARE ALL
NO DOUBT WONDERING
WHY WE'RE MEETING OUT HERE TODAY
INSTEAD OF IN OUR
REGULAR CLASSROOM.
ALL RIGHT, SO YOU ARE
NOT NO DOUBT WONDERING,
BUT I AM YOUR BELOVED
HISTORY AND BIOLOGY TEACHER
AND I HAVE PREPARED
A STIRRING SPEECH
THAT I DON'T INTEND TO WASTE.
SO I'M GOING TO TELL
YOU ANYHOW AND YOU WILL,
A, LISTEN WITH EAGER,
FASCINATED ATTENTION
OR, B, WIN A REAL LIFE FLUNK
NOTICE OF YOUR VERY OWN.
AH, THE As HAVE IT,
AND SO MUCH FOR THE
ART OF GENTLE PERSUASION.
NOW TO BUSINESS.
WHEN OUR BELOVED
FOUNDER, S. PETER PRYOR,
ARRIVED HERE MANY YEARS
AGO, HE STOOD ON THIS SPOT
AND PROCLAIMED FOR
ALL THE WORLD TO HEAR,
"THIS IS WHERE I SHALL
ESTABLISH MY COLLEGE."
RUMOR HAS IT THAT HE
PICKED THAT PARTICULAR SPOT
BECAUSE HIS FEET HURT
AND HE DIDN'T WANT
TO IRRITATE HIS BUNIONS.
HOWEVER, THOSE ARE
PROBABLY ONLY THE WORDS
OF OPPOSING REAL
ESTATE OPERATORS.
AT ANY RATE, THIS PLAQUE STANDS
ON THE MOST HALLOWED PIECE
OF GROUND ON OUR CAMPUS.
TOMORROW, THEY'RE GOING TO
REMOVE THE CRUMBLING OLD BASE
ON WHICH IT WAS BUILT
AND REPLACE IT WITH A
NEWER, STURDIER ONE.
NOW BARRING UNEXPECTED
FORECLOSURE OF THE MORTGAGE,
THE NEW BASE SHOULD
ENDURE FOR MANY YEARS.
SO TO CELEBRATE THE OCCASION,
WE ARE GOING TO CEMENT INTO
IT A MOST FASCINATING OBJECT,
A TIME CAPSULE.
- A TIME CAPSULE, DR. BURKHART?
- A TIME CAPSULE, MR. GILLIS.
YOU DO KNOW WHAT A
TIME CAPSULE IS, DON'T YOU?
- I SURE DO, DON'T WE, ZELDA?
- YOU BET, POOPSIE.
A TIME CAPSULE IS A
CYLINDER MADE OF LEAD WHICH,
WHEN PROPERLY SEALED,
BECOMES ABSOLUTELY AIRTIGHT,
THUS OBJECTS PLACED WITHIN
IT REMAIN IN PERFECT CONDITION
FOR HUNDREDS, EVEN
THOUSANDS OF YEARS.
- THANK YOU, MISS GILROY. AN
EXCELLENT RECITATION, AS USUAL.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
- CERTAIN OBJECTS
CAREFULLY SELECTED
TO BE REPRESENTATIVE
OF OUR CULTURE
WILL BE PLACED IN
THE TIME CAPSULE
BEFORE IT IS DEPOSITED
IN THE BASE OF THE PLAQUE.
MR. OSBORNE, DO YOU KNOW WHY?
- SO THAT PEOPLE
CAN OPEN THE CAPSULE
THOUSANDS OF YEARS FROM NOW
AND IMMEDIATELY LEARN WHAT
SUPERB CREATURES WE WERE
BACK HERE IN THE 20th
CENTURY, CORRECT?
- CORRECT.
- CORRECT.
- NATURALLY.
- TELL ME, MR. GILLIS, WHAT
ARTICLE WOULD YOU CHOOSE?
NOW THINK CAREFULLY.
IT ISN'T A CHOICE
TO BE MADE LIGHTLY.
TRY TO NAME A SINGLE OBJECT
THAT REPRESENTS IN A SENSE
WHAT WE BELIEVE IN, WHAT
WE'RE STRUGGLING FOR.
- A PHOTOGRAPH. THAT'S
WHAT I'D PUT IN THAT CAPSULE.
- A PHOTOGRAPH OF WHAT?
- OF A GIRL.
- I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.
ANY PARTICULAR GIRL?
- NO, NO. ANY GIRL, JUST
SO SHE'S SOFT AND ROUND
AND CREAMY AND LOVABLE
BECAUSE GIRLS LIKE THAT
ARE THE FINEST THINGS OUR
CIVILIZATION'S EVER PRODUCED
AND THEY'RE SURE WHAT I
BELIEVE IN AND STRUGGLE FOR.
- CONSTANTLY,
MR. GILLIS, CONSTANTLY.
YOUR CHOICE IS
HARDLY A PROFOUND ONE.
BUT AS A MEMBER OF
THE SEX IN QUESTION,
I CAN ONLY SAY HERE, HERE.
MISS GILROY, YOU ARE
ALWAYS A ROCK OF GOOD SENSE.
WHAT ARTICLE WILL YOU CHOOSE?
- I WOULD ALSO
CHOOSE A PHOTOGRAPH.
- OH? OF WHAT?
- OF DOBIE.
- ZELDA, PLEASE.
- I WANT WOMEN A
THOUSAND YEARS FROM NOW
TO STUDY THE PICTURE
OF MY DOBIEKINS AND SAY,
"AH, THOSE WOMEN IN THE 1960s
CLAWED AND SCRATCHED AND FOUGHT
"FOR THEIR MEN NO MATTER HOW
VAGUE AND HELPLESS AND SIMPLE
THEIR FACES WERE."
NO OFFENSE, POOPSIE.
- THANKS, ZELDA, THANKS A LUMP.
[LAUGHS]
- QUIET, PLEASE!
YOU'LL HAVE TO DIG IN AND DO
SOME BETTER THINKING THAN THAT.
YOU WILL BRING THE ARTICLES
TO BE PLACED IN THE TIME CAPSULE
AT TOMORROW'S CEREMONIES.
THAT'S YOUR ASSIGNMENT
AND THE DEAN WILL MAKE
THE FINAL SELECTION.
AND THEY DARN WELL RIGHT
BETTER BE SHARP CHOICES
BECAUSE I DON'T INTEND TO LET
FUTURE GENERATIONS PICTURE US
AS AN ECCENTRIC, ZANY BUNCH
OF HALF-BAKED SCREWBALLS WHO...
- YOU RANG?
- OH, MR. KREBS, WELCOME
TO THE LAND OF THE LIVING.
- LIKE, LIKEWISE,
YOUR PROFESSORSHIP.
- MR. KREBS, YOU ARE A
PERPETUALLY HAPPY-GO-LUCKY,
CHEERFUL, YOUNG MAN.
WHAT LIGHTHEARTED OBJECT
WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO PLACE
IN THE TIME CAPSULE FOR
FUTURE GENERATIONS TO DIG UP
AND LEARN ALL ABOUT US?
- NOTHING.
- NOTHING?
- BUT NOTHING 'CAUSE THERE
WON'T BE NOBODY HERE TO DIG IT UP.
I MEAN, ONE OF THEM SLACK-HEADER
JOKERS IS GONNA WIG OUT
AND PUSH THE PANIC BUTTON
AND IT'S HELLO BOMB TIME.
EVERY HUMAN PERSON
IN THIS WHOLE WORLD
AND EVERY PLACE ELSE WILL
BE GONE, LIKE, BYE-BYEVILLE,
LIKE, BOOM, BOOM, KER-BOOM!
- YESTERDAY WHEN
DR. BURKHART BROUGHT UP
THIS TIME CAPSULE
IDEA, I WAS ALL FOR IT.
I MEAN, STASHING AWAY
ALL SORTS OF THINGS
SO PEOPLE WAY UP THERE
IN THE FUTURE CAN DIG IT UP
AND SEE WHAT MADE
US TICK SOUNDED GREAT,
SORT OF INSTANT HISTORY.
BUT LOOK WHAT IT DID TO
MY FRIEND, MAYNARD G. KREBS.
SINCE THE MINUTE HE
LAID EYES ON THIS CAPSULE,
ALL HE CAN DO IS RUN AROUND
HOLLERING BOOM, BOOM, KER-BOOM.
- BOOM, BOOM, KER-BOOM!
- MAYNARD, I WANT YOU TO
CUT THAT OUT THIS MINUTE!
YOU BEEN WAILING AND
CARRYING ON LIKE A STUCK PIG
EVER SINCE YOU SAW
THAT TIME CAPSULE.
WHY? WHAT STARTED IT?
WHAT GOT YOU INTO
THIS SCREWY MOOD?
- IT AIN'T SCREWY.
IT'S, LIKE, VERY MENTAL,
AND IT WAS A NEWSPAPER.
- NO, WHAT WAS DIFFERENT
ABOUT THIS NEWSPAPER?
- I READ IT.
- NOW CONCENTRATE, MAYNARD.
WHAT'D YOU READ IN
THIS NEWSPAPER THAT GOT
YOU SO SHOOK UP?
- OH, TERRIBLE, SCARY
THINGS, GOOD BUDDY.
PEOPLE FIGHTING OTHER PEOPLE,
STABBING THEM, BEATING THEM UP.
ARSON, THEY CALL IT. ROBBING,
KNIFING, CRACKING SKULLS.
- I SEE.
- THAT WAS ONLY THE COMIC PAGE.
WAIT'LL YOU HEAR WHAT'S
GOING ON IN THE REAL WORLD.
- MAYNARD, I UNDERSTAND NOW.
- YEAH, AND EVERYBODY'S
THREATENING EVERYBODY ELSE,
OVERSEAS FOREIGN
COUNTRIES YELLING AT US,
US YELLING AT OVERSEAS
FOREIGN COUNTRIES,
AND THERE'S ARMIES
AND ROCKETS...
- MAYNARD, WHAT'S WRONG?
- I SCARED MYSELF.
- NOW CONCENTRATE, MAYNARD.
YOUR REACTION TO
WHAT'S HAPPENING
IN THE WORLD DOES YOU CREDIT.
ALL THOSE SCARY HEADLINES
WERE BOUND TO UPSET SOMEONE
AS KIND AND SENSITIVE
AND GENTLE AS YOU.
- YEAH, DOGS FROM THE
STREET LICK MY HAND.
- ALL THINKING PEOPLE
GO THROUGH A PHASE
WHEN THEY'RE CONVINCED
THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO HOPE
FOR CIVILIZATION.
- I'M CONVINCED AND I'M
NOT EVEN THINKING PEOPLE.
- SURE, THE WORLD'S LOADED
WITH VIOLENCE AND HATRED,
ALL SORTS OF AWFUL THINGS.
BUT IT'S GOT LOTS OF
WONDERFUL THINGS IN IT TOO.
- BUT WHAT ABOUT THEM
BIG IMPORTANT BIGWIGS
WALKING ON THEM BIG
IMPORTANT CONFERENCES?
- WHAT ABOUT GIRLS AND TENNIS
AND HOT FUDGE SUNDAES
AND WATER SPORTS?
- WHAT ABOUT THE
ARMIES AND ROCKETS?
- WHAT ABOUT HI-FI AND FRIED
ONIONS AND COOL JAZZ COMBOS
AND WEARING CLEAN,
STARCHED SHIRTS.
- WHAT YOU SAID...
- EXCUSE ME, MAYNARD.
SKIP THE CLEAN, STARCHED SHIRTS.
- WHAT ABOUT...
- STOP LOOKING ON THE DARK SIDE.
THERE'S GOOD AND
BAD IN THIS WORLD
AND WE CAN LIVE
WITH BOTH OF THEM.
WE ALWAYS HAVE.
- I DON'T KNOW, DOBE.
I'M, LIKE, WORRIED
AND SCARED AND JUMPY.
AND, MAN, WHEN I FEEL LIKE THAT,
THERE'S ONLY ONE THING TO DO.
- MAYNARD...
- NO, DON'T TRY AND
STOP ME, GOOD BUDDY.
IT'S THE ONLY WAY I CAN
THINK AND CLEAR MY HEAD.
MAN, THERE'S NOTHING
LIKE THIS STUFF
TO MAKE A MAN
FORGET HIS TROUBLES.
OH, WHAT I WOULDN'T
GIVE FOR A LIFETIME SUPPLY
OF THAT TUTTI-FRUTTI
ON THE ROCKS.
- LIKE, WHAT DO YOU
GIVE, KREBS BABY?
- YOU NAME IT,
YOU GOT IT, WALDO.
- THEN REFRESH YOURSELF,
MY BEARDED GOURMAND.
- YOU PAYING?
- I'M PAYING.
- OH, I'M EATING. LIKE,
WHOA, WHAT'S THE CATCH?
- CATCH?
- THE JOKER, THE KICKBACK,
THE BOOBY TRAP.
WITH YOU, THERE'S GOTTA
BE ONE, CHATSWORTH.
- THAT'S MOST
UNKIND, KREBS BABY.
TRUE, BUT MOST UNKIND.
ACTUALLY, MAYNIE
DO, IT'S QUITE SIMPLE.
ITEM, YOU HOLD A PART-TIME
JOB FEEDING THE OWLS
IN DR. BURKHART'S'
BIOLOGY LABORATORY, TRUE?
- LIKE, TRUE. I GOT
A WAY WITH OWLS.
- ALSO KEPT IN DR. BURKHART'S
LABORATORY IN HER DESK
NEAR THE OWLS ARE THE
QUESTIONS FOR THE BIOLOGY EXAM
SHE INTENDS TO GIVE
NEXT WEEK, TRUE?
- LIKE, TRUE. SO?
- SO, I WANT YOU TO
STEAL THEM FOR ME.
- THE OWLS?
- NO, THE EXAM
QUESTIONS, YOU NINNY!
- OH, I DON'T KNOW, CHATSWORTH.
I MYSELF AM NOT PERSONALLY
ENROLLED IN BIOLOGY.
I MEAN, I HAVE ENOUGH
TROUBLE SPEAKING ENGLISH... ME?
STEAL? ME? MAYNARD G. HONEST?
- QUIET, YOU OAF!
- ME? BURGLE?
MAYNARD G. HONORABLE?
- SHH! THEY'LL HEAR YOU!
- I DON'T CARE! I'M 100
PERCENT AMERICAN BOY
AND I DON'T DO NOTHING DISHONEST
ON ACCOUNT I HAVE A CONSCIENCE!
- CORRECTION, MAYNIE DO. YOU
USED TO HAVE A CONSCIENCE.
BUT IT'S USELESS TO YOU NOW
BECAUSE NONE OF
US WILL EVEN BE HERE
IN THE VERY, VERY NEAR FUTURE!
THE END OF CIVILIZATION?
ISN'T THAT WHAT
YOU SAID YOURSELF?
- LIKE, TRUE. WE'RE HEADING
AND ZOOMING RIGHT FOR BOOM,
BOOM, KER-BOOM!
- CORRECT, AND SO
GRACEFULLY EXPRESSED.
SO, KREBS BABY, SINCE YOU WON'T
BE AROUND FOR YOUR CONSCIENCE
TO ANNOY YOU ANYHOW, WHY NOT
ENJOY YOURSELF NOW IN THE GAY,
FUN-FILLED, DELIGHT,
MADCAP PRESENT?
REFRESH YOURSELF, DEAR CRONIE,
AND THERE'S OODLES MORE
WHERE THAT CAME FROM
IF YOU OBTAIN THE
EXAM QUESTIONS FOR ME.
- OH, I DON'T KNOW, CHATSWORTH.
- I MERELY NEED TO SEE
THEM FOR A FEW MOMENTS,
THEN YOU CAN RETURN THEM.
OH, ALL RIGHT THEN.
I'LL THROW IN A DOZEN
USED STEREO RECORDS.
- BUT, CHATSWORTH...
- VERY WELL THEN.
MAKE THAT TWO DOZEN.
- BUT, CHATSWORTH...
- AND A FABULOUS CUSTOM-BUILT
HI-FI SET TO PLAY THEM ON.
BUT THAT'S AS HIGH AS I GO.
OH, GAD, MAN, YOU'RE
A SHREWD BARGAINER,
YOU HARD-FISTED
BUSINESSMAN, YOU.
- ME?
- YOU.
THANK YOU, NOBLE
CITIZEN, THANK YOU.
YOU ARE PERFORMING
A GLORIOUS DEED
FOR YOUR SCHOOL
AND YOUR COUNTRY.
- SNITCHING EXAM QUESTIONS?
- YOU SEE, UNDER
NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES,
I, CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.,
WITH MY SUPERIOR OSBORNE BRAIN,
WOULD HAVE NO NEED
WHATSOEVER FOR ADVANCED COPIES
OF THE EXAMINATION QUESTIONS.
WHY THEN AM I IN
DIFFICULTY NOW, YOU ASK?
- WHO'S ASKING?
- I SHALL TELL YOU
SINCE YOU INSIST.
- WHO'S INSISTING?
- AS THE SOLE MEMBER
OF THE OSBORNE DYNASTY
CURRENTLY ENROLLED
IN THIS FINE INSTITUTION,
I HAVE CERTAIN
SOLEMN OBLIGATIONS!
AFTER ALL, WHO IS BEST QUALIFIED
TO KEEP THE NAME OF OUR SCHOOL
BRIGHT AND SHINY AND
CONTINUALLY IN THE PUBLIC EYE?
WHO? WHO? WHO?
- THE OWL.
- AN OSBORNE, OF COURSE!
WHEN STUDENTS DROP PAPER BAGS
FILLED WITH WATER
ON PASSING CITIZENS,
WHO MUST TAKE THE LEAD
BY DROPPING THE FIRST BAG?
- WHO?
- AN OSBORNE!
WHEN STUDENTS SWALLOW GOLDFISH,
WHO MUST TAKE THE
FIRST, GULP, SWALLOW?
AN OSBORNE!
WHEN STUDENTS CRAM
INTO TELEPHONE BOOTHS,
WHO MUST BE THE FIRST TO CRAM
IN AND THE LAST TO CRAWL OUT?
- WHO?
- AN OSBORNE, THAT'S WHO!
WITH SUCH A TRADITION TO UPHOLD,
CAN I BE UNTRUE TO
MY FAMILY'S REPUTATION
BY SHIRKING MY OBLIGATION?
NO, HENCE I HAVE HAD
NO TIME WHATSOEVER
FOR SUCH PROSAIC
MATTERS AS STUDYING
FOR A BIOLOGY EXAMINATION.
WHEN DUTY CALLS,
AN OSBORNE ANSWERS.
- CHATSWORTH, YOU'RE ALL HEART.
- I SURELY AM.
- TOO BAD YOU'RE
SUCH A LOWDOWN RAT.
- IT'S A SHAME, ISN'T
IT? NOW TELL ME.
WHEN WILL YOU
BE ABLE TO SNITCH...
BORROW THE EXAM QUESTIONS
FROM DR. BURKHART'S DESK?
- OH, CHATSWORTH...
- DON'T BOTHER
THANKING ME, MAYNIE DO.
WHEN DO YOU GO TO FEED THE
OWLS IN DR. BURKHART'S LAB?
- 1:00 ON THE DOT.
- IT'S 1:30 NOW!
- I MUST HAVE MISSED THE DOT.
- WHY ARE YOU DAWDLING?
AWAY, AWAY, AWAY!
GET YOURSELF TO THAT
LABORATORY POST-HASTE!
- I DON'T KNOW, CHATSWORTH.
I GOTTA GIVE THIS SOME
HIGH-POWERED THINKING.
- WITH WHAT? NO
OFFENSE, KREBS BABY.
I JUST MEANT GIVE IT ALL THE
TIME YOU NEED UP TO IMMEDIATELY.
- OH, MY HEAD'S KINDA CUTE,
BUT I DON'T FIGURE
OUT THINGS SO GOOD.
WHAT I NEED IS SOME ADVICE.
- ADVICE?
- YEAH, LIKE, RIGHT AWAY QUICK,
AND I KNOW WHERE TO GET IT
TOO, FROM A PERSON WHO'S SMART,
INTELLIGENT, BRAINY
AND VERY, VERY DEEP.
- WHO SAYS A PROPELLER
BEANIE AND A SWEET POTATO
AREN'T GREAT EXAMPLES OF
THE KIND OF PEOPLE WE ARE?
- I DO, BUT I'M
BEGINNING TO WONDER
WHETHER YOU'RE WORTH
ALL THE TIME AND EFFORT
I'M PUTTING IN TRYING
TO GET YOU TO SHAPE UP.
- I'M NOT, ZELDA, SO GOODBYE.
- YOU ARE, AND STOP
WITH THE TRICKS ALREADY.
YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY.
- ZELDA, WHAT DO
YOU WANT WITH ME?
I'M SHIFTLESS, IRRESPONSIBLE,
I'M NOT TOO BRIGHT.
- THAT'S RIGHT, SNOOKUMS.
- HEY, DON'T AGREE SO FAST.
- ALSO, YOU SQUINT,
YOU'RE PIGEON-TOED
AND YOU'LL BE BALD
BEFORE YOU'RE 30.
- NO OFFENSE, ZELDA, BUT
IT'LL BE A COLD WINTER IN JULY
BEFORE ANYBODY SEES
YOUR PICTURE HANGING
IN THE MEN'S LOCKER ROOM.
- TRUE. WE'RE BOTH
A COUPLE OF DOGS
AND WE'RE STUCK WITH EACH OTHER.
IT'S LOVE, BUSTER,
YOU CAN'T FIGHT IT.
- I CAN TRY, ZELDA, I CAN TRY.
- SIT DOWN, MISTER,
AND CUT THE BACKTALK.
WE GOTTA GET CRACKIN'
ON THE THINGAMABOBS
FOR THE TIME CAPSULE.
THE PROGRAM STARTS AT FIVE SHARP
AND WE GOTTA THINK ABOUT
WHAT WE'RE GONNA PICK.
NOW HERE'S WHAT I'VE PICKED.
SO FAR, I CAN'T DECIDE
BETWEEN A CAN OPENER,
A BALLPOINT PEN
AND A BAR OF SOAP.
THEY'RE ALL TYPICAL
OF OUR CULTURE.
- WELL, I'VE GOT
SOME AIRMAIL STAMPS
AND A JAR OF INSTANT COFFEE
AND ONE OF MY OLD WALLETS.
THEY'RE ALL TYPICAL TOO.
- THE WALLET'S EMPTY.
- WITH ME, THAT'S TYPICAL.
- THIS IS A NATURAL.
A COPY OF TODAY'S NEWSPAPER.
- SEE? IT'S JUST
LIKE I TOLD YOU!
OH, THEM BIG, BLACK,
SPOOKY HEADLINES!
OH, AND YOU SAY WE
AIN'T DOOMED! DIG THIS!
GANG WAR IN SOUTH SIDE,
DISMEMBERED TORSO IN SWAMP,
MONSTER DEVOURS CLEVELAND!
- MAYNARD, THAT'S
THE MOVIE PAGE!
- OH. READ THE REST OF
IT. EVEN WORSE, YOU'LL SEE.
- YOU BET I'LL READ
THE REST OF IT.
I'LL READ SOME OF THE GOOD
NEWS YOU INSIST ON IGNORING.
LISTEN, LEADERS MEET AT
PEACE AND FRIENDSHIP RALLY.
HOW ABOUT THAT, MAYNARD?
- HOW ABOUT THIS?
PEACE AND FRIENDSHIP RALLY
BREAKS UP IN
BRAWL AND FISTFIGHT.
- MAYNARD...
- TIGERS MAUL YANKS!
- MAYNARD, THOSE ARE
THE BASEBALL SCORES!
- OH.
- NO, NOT EXACTLY, DOBIE.
TWO AMERICAN HUNTERS,
WHILE TRACKING WILD
ANIMALS IN AFRICA...
- NEVER MIND!
- EVERYTHING'S GOING BAD.
NOTHING GOOD'S HAPPENING.
WE'RE, LIKE, DOOMED, DOOMED!
- MAYNARD, ENOUGH!
SURE, THERE ARE UNPLEASANT
THINGS GOING ON IN THE WORLD.
WE ALL KNOW ABOUT IT.
BUT DO WE RUN AROUND
DEPRESSING EVERYBODY,
HOLLERING BOOM, BOOM, KER-BOOM?
NO, WE TRY TO MAKE OURSELVES
HAPPY WITH THE THINGS
THAT ARE GOOD, AND IT'S TIME
FOR YOU TO START DOING THE SAME.
- BOOM, BOOM, KER-BOOM!
- MAYNARD!
I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU, MAYNARD.
I TRY TO HELP YOU
STRAIGHTEN YOURSELF OUT,
BUT YOU JUST WON'T LISTEN!
NOW GET TO THE POINT.
WHAT DID YOU COME
HERE FOR ANYHOW?
- OH, I WAS TALKING TO
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.,
SEE, AND I WANTED
TO GET YOUR ADVICE.
- OKAY, MAYNARD, I'LL GIVE
YOU A BIG, FAT CHUNK OF ADVICE.
WISE UP AND STOP TRYING TO
DESTROY EVERYBODY'S FAITH
IN THE FUTURE.
IF EVERYBODY FELT
THE WAY YOU DO,
WE MIGHT JUST AS WELL RUN
UP A WHITE FLAG AND QUIT.
THERE'D BE NO DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN RIGHT AND WRONG,
BETWEEN GOOD AND BAD.
EVERYBODY'D DO
EXACTLY AS HE PLEASED
BECAUSE THERE WOULDN'T BE
ANY TOMORROW TO THINK ABOUT.
IF YOU WANTED SOMETHING,
IT'D BE FINE AND DANDY
TO GO RIGHT AHEAD
AND TAKE IT OR STEAL IT.
WHY WORRY ABOUT HOW
YOU'LL FEEL ABOUT IT TOMORROW?
BECAUSE THERE ISN'T
GONNA BE ANY TOMORROW!
NOW WHAT'S THE QUESTION YOU
WANT TO ASK ABOUT CHATSWORTH?
- OH, IT DON'T MATTER.
YOU JUST ANSWERED IT.
LIKE, BYE.
DON'T BOTHER DRAGGING
THE RIVER FOR MY BODY.
- MAYNARD, LOOK.
- 'CAUSE I AIN'T GOT
THE BUS FARE TO
GET TO THE RIVER.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M
GONNA DO, DR. BURKHART?
I'M GONNA FEED YOUR OWLS.
- BRAVO, MR. KREBS.
AROUND CAMPUS, THEY'RE
BEGINNING TO CALL YOU
THE FRANK BUCK OF THE BIRD SET.
- LIKE, THANK YOU,
PROFESSORSHIP, MA'AM.
I LOVE THEM LITTLE POP-EYED
RASCALS AND, LIKE, VICE VERSA.
- NO OFFENSE, MR. KREBS,
BUT JUST LOOKING AT YOU,
I CAN SEE THAT YOU
HAVE MUCH IN COMMON.
- LIKE, THANK YOU.
- FEED THE OWLS, MR. KREBS.
I'M JUST RECHECKING THESE
QUESTIONS FOR THE BIOLOGY EXAM.
- OH? ARE YOU GONNA
STAY THERE THE WHOLE TIME
WHILE I FEED THE OWLS, DR. B.?
- WELL, THAT WAS MY INTENTION
UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU
INTEND FLYING AROUND THE ROOM
WHILE YOU DO IT.
- THINK IT'D WORK?
LIKE, HI, MELINDA.
ARE YOU HUNGRY, GIRL? PHEW!
YEAH, YOU'RE HUNGRY.
WELL, LIKE, STAND BY.
DADDY WILL FEED YOU.
HERE YOU ARE NOW.
TAKE A LITTLE NIBBLE.
COME ON, A LITTLE
NIBBLE, COME ON.
THAT'S A GIRL. OH,
GOOD GIRL! BRAVO!
COME ON, YOU WATCH
HOW DADDY DOES IT. WATCH.
DELICIOUS, YUM.
COME ON, JUST A LITTLE TEENSY
WEENSY, LITTLE TEENSY BIT.
COME ON.
YOU DON'T ANY, IRIS, HUH?
YOU'RE TOO FAT ALREADY?
COME ON, YEAH.
HEY, HOW ABOUT A SONG
WHILE YOU'RE EATING, HUH?
NO, NOT YOU, ME.
♪ MELINDA IS MY DEAREST FRIEND ♪
♪ HAPPY HOURS WE DO SPEND ♪
♪ PLAYING BALL ALL NIGHT LONG ♪
♪ SHE'S AN OWL ON A PERCH ♪
- NO OFFENSE, MR. KREBS,
BUT I JUST REMEMBERED
THAT I HAVE TO RUSH HOME
AND SEE IF MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE.
I'LL BE BACK IN... HOW LONG WILL
IT TAKE YOU TO FEED THE OWLS?
- OH, AROUND, LIKE, 10
OR 5 MINUTES, DEPENDING.
- DEPENDING ON WHAT?
- I DON'T KNOW.
EVERYBODY ELSE SAYS
DEPENDING, SO I SAY IT TOO.
- I'LL BE BACK IN, LIKE,
AROUND 10 OR 5 MINUTES.
I'M SURE YOU AND
YOUR FETTERED FRIENDS
WON'T MIND BEING LEFT ALONE.
- NATURALLY, WE WON'T
MIND BEING LEFT ALONE,
ALONE IN DR. BURKHART'S LAB
WITH THE BIOLOGY QUESTIONS?
BOOM, BOOM, KER-BOOM!
- YOUR CONSCIENCE IS USELESS
NOW BECAUSE NONE OF US
WILL EVEN BE HERE IN THE
VERY, VERY NEAR FUTURE.
BOOM, BOOM, KER-BOOM!
- IF YOU WANTED SOMETHING,
IT'D BE FINE AND DANDY
TO GO RIGHT AHEAD
AND TAKE IT OR STEAL IT.
WHY WORRY ABOUT TOMORROW?
- MAN, I COULD TELL YOU
TWO GUYS TO FLAKE OFF
IF I ONLY HAD A CONSCIENCE.
BUT WHAT GOOD'S A
CONSCIENCE IN A WORLD
THAT AIN'T LONG FOR THIS WORLD?
- UNLIMITED SODAS,
SUNDAES, STEREO RECORDS,
FABULOUS HI-FIT SET.
- THERE ISN'T GONNA
BE ANY TOMORROW.
BOOM, BOOM, KER-BOOM!
- IT'S AN UNFAIR BATTLE.
MY HEART'S, LIKE,
RED, WHITE AND BLUE.
MY BACKBONE'S PURE YELLOW.
- WELL, MR. KREBS, ARE
YOU FINISHED YET, I HOPE?
- ALMOST, DR. B., ALMOST.
HERE, MELINDA.
♪ MELINDA IS MY DEAREST FRIEND ♪
♪ HAPPY HOURS WE DO SPEND ♪
♪ PLAYING BALL
ALL NIGHT SHE'S... ♪
- POOR MAYNARD.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT
WAS BOTHERING HIM,
BUT I KNEW IT WAS
SOMETHING SERIOUS
BECAUSE, FOR THE NEXT FEW
HOURS, HE DISAPPEARED COMPLETELY.
BOY, I WAS REALLY WONDERED.
FOR ALL I KNEW, MAYNARD COULD
BE IN VERY SERIOUS TROUBLE.
ZELDA, I'M SCARED.
WHEN MAYNARD GETS INTO ONE
OF THESE DESPERATE MOODS,
HE DOES DESPERATE THINGS.
- NOW CALM DOWN,
PLEASE, POOPSIE?
YOU'LL BLOW YOUR STACK.
- REMEMBER THE TIME HE DECIDED
TO HAD TO GET AWAY FROM IT ALL,
SO HE SENT HIS PICTURE
TO A LONELY HEARTS CLUB?
- I REMEMBER HOW THEY SENT IT
BACK SAYING THEY WERE LONELY,
NOT DESPERATE.
WHY, MAYNARD WILL BE FINE.
HE ALWAYS LANDS ON HIS FEET.
- I SURE HOPE SO.
[SNORING]
- MAYNARD, WAKE UP!
- MAYNARD, WAKE UP!
- MAYNARD, WHERE YOU BEEN?
- WE'VE BEEN HALF OUT OF OUR
MINDS WORRYING ABOUT YOU!
- I HAD, LIKE, A PROBLEM, SO I
TOOK A WALK TO DO SOME THINKING.
- AND WHAT HAPPENED?
- YOU KNOW ME, DOBE.
AS SOON AS I THINK FOR MORE
THAN TWO OR THREE MINUTES,
I FALL ASLEEP LIKE THIS.
- MAYNARD, COME ON!
- MAYNARD, WAKE UP!
DID YOU SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM?
- NOT YET, I'M STILL THINKING.
- MAYNARD!
- MAYNARD, THIS
PROBLEM OF YOURS,
DOES IT HAVE SOMETHING TO DO
WITH THIS BOOM, BOOM, KER-BOOM
SILLINESS YOU'VE BEEN
CARRYING ON ABOUT?
- IT AIN'T SILLY, AND YES.
DON'T YOU SEE, IF THINGS
AIN'T BLACK AND GLOOMY
LIKE, I BEEN TELLING YOU,
HOW COME WE DON'T KNOW IT?
- MAYNARD...
- HOW COME EVERY TIME YOU
READ ONE OF THEM NEWSPAPERS,
NOTHING LOOKS BETTER, OR WORSER?
- INCLUDING YOUR ENGLISH.
MAYNARD, LISTEN, I DON'T
KNOW HOW I CAN PROVE TO YOU
THAT THE WORLD
ISN'T ON ITS LAST LEGS.
BUT SOMEHOW
INSIDE, I JUST KNOW IT.
WE ALL DO.
- SURE, MAYNARD, AND
WHEN THE TIME COMES,
YOU'LL KNOW IT TOO.
YOU'LL FEEL IT IN YOUR
BONES. YOU'LL SENSE IT.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
- OH, THE CORNERSTONE
CEREMONY'S STARTING.
WE'D BETTER GO. COME ON, ZELDA.
- PSST!
- QUIET! QUIET, PLEASE!
OUR PROGRAM IS A
HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT ONE
AND WE WANT TO GET
STARTED IMMEDIATELY.
WE'RE GATHERED HERE
TODAY TO INSTALL A NEW BASE
AND A TIME CAPSULE
AND THE PLAQUE
HONORING OUR BELOVED
FOUNDER, S. PETER PRYOR.
AND HERE TO START
THE PROCEEDINGS
IS OUR GUEST OF
HONOR, DEAN MAGRUDER.
- THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
I'VE PREPARED A SCHOLARLY,
PHILOSOPHICAL, PROFOUND SPEECH,
BUT UNHAPPILY ON THE
WAY OVER HERE, I LOST IT.
NOW IF ANYONE APPLAUDS,
THERE'S GONNA BE TROUBLE.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S BETTER, THAT'S BETTER.
NOW, DR. BURKHART, I UNDERSTAND
THE MEMBERS OF YOUR
CLASS HAVE BROUGHT OBJECTS
THEY CONSIDER TO BE
REPRESENTATIVE OF OUR ERA.
AND FROM THESE, I
AM TO CHOOSE THOSE
WHICH WILL BE PLACED
INTO THIS CAPSULE.
- OH, YES, DEAN MAGRUDER.
AND I'M SURE, MORE OR LESS,
THAT THEY'VE COME UP
WITH SOME VERY GOOD IDEAS.
- WE SHALL SEE.
MISS GILROY?
- YES, SIR.
- WHAT ITEMS HAVE YOU
CHOSEN FOR THE CAPSULE
AS BEING REPRESENTATIVE
OF OUR SOCIETY?
- I HAVE A LIGHT BULB,
A POCKET DICTIONARY,
A CAN OF PUSH-BUTTON
SHAVING CREAM,
A CAN OF PUSH-BUTTON
WHIPPED CREAM
AND A CAN OF
PUSH-BUTTON TOOTHPASTE.
- THANK YOU, MISS GILROY,
AN EXCELLENT SELECTION.
- I ALSO HAD A CAN OF
PUSH-BUTTON HAIRSPRAY,
BUT I USED IT ON THE WAY OVER.
- MR. GILLIS, WHAT
HAVE YOU CHOSEN?
- WELL, I'VE CHOSEN A BOX SCORE
FROM THE WORLD SERIES AND A
PICTURE OF COMMANDER SHEPHERD,
OUR FIRST ASTRONAUT,
AND ONE OF MY MOTHER'S
DEEP-DISH APPLE PIES.
- PIE, MR. GILLIS?
- AND DEEP-DISH.
WHAT COULD BE MORE
TYPICAL OF OUR SOCIETY?
BUT TO BE PERFECTLY
HONEST, IT'S ONLY HALF A PIE.
I GOT HUNGRY ON THE WAY OVER.
- WELL, WHEN HISTORIANS DIG
UP THE CAPSULE IN THE YEAR 3000,
I'M SURE THAT FACT WILL
NOT GO OVERLOOKED.
MR. OSBORNE, TELL ME WHAT ITEMS
HAVE YOU PICKED FOR THE CAPSULE?
- NOT ITEMS, DEAN
MAGRUDER, AN ITEM.
A SINGLE OBJECT
WHICH I ASSURE YOU
REPRESENTS EVERYTHING
OF VALUE IN OUR SOCIETY,
A COPY OF THE OSBORNE
FAMILY COAT OF ARMS,
COMPLETE WITH A STIRRING MOTTO
WHICH HAS GUIDED OUR FOOTSTEPS
THROUGHOUT HISTORY, HEART,
NAIL, SUBSTANDIUM, TANQUERAY!
- MOST IMPRESSIVE, MR. OSBORNE.
AND WHAT IS THE
LITERAL TRANSLATION?
- NEVER DIP INTO CAPITOL.
THIS SERVED OUR FAMILY WELL.
- MR. KREBS, HAVE
YOU GIVEN THOUGHT
TO WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE
TO PLACE IN THE CAPSULE?
- YES, SIR, YOUR DEANSHIP.
WHAT I PUT IN THAT
CAPSULE IS NOTHING.
- NOTHING, MR. KREBS?
- BUT NOTHING, 'CAUSE THE
WAY THINGS ARE GOING NOW,
THERE'LL BE NOBODY
AROUND TO DIG IT UP ANYHOW!
- ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS
LOOK AT THEM BIG, BLACK,
SPOOKY NEWSPAPER HEADLINES!
YOU'LL SEE I'M, LIKE, RIGHT!
EVERYBODY'S YELLING AND
HOLLERING AND ARGUING!
- MAYNARD, SHHH!
- I MEAN,
THERE'S NO HOPE FOR
NOBODY! I MEAN, WE'RE, LIKE,
HEADING STRAIGHT FOR
BOOM, BOOM, KER-BOOM!
- SURELY, MR. KREBS, THINGS
CAN'T BE THAT SERIOUS.
- OH, THEY'RE SERIOUS! I
MEAN, ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS...
- HEY, HOLD IT! THERE'S
SOMETHING BURIED IN HERE!
I KEPT POKING MY SHOVEL INTO IT.
WITH MY LUCK, IT
COULDN'T BE OIL.
- AT THE BASE OF THE
PLAQUE? WHAT COULD IT BE?
- I DON'T KNOW. LET'S FIND OUT!
- NEWSPAPER! PRESIDENT
SAYS WAR INEVITABLE,
FUTURE TERMED
HOPELESS, LEADERS AGREE.
- SEE? WHAT DID I TELL YOU?
LIKE, HOPELESS, LIKE, WOE IS
ME, LIKE, BOOM, BOOM, KER-BOOM!
- SHHH! MR. KREBS,
LET ME READ FURTHER.
CIVILIZATION ON
VERGE OF COLLAPSE.
- LIKE, WOW, LET'S
HEAD FOR THE HILLS.
IT'S EVEN WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
- YES, MANKIND
HEADED FOR CALAMITY,
AND THE PAPER IS DATED 1911.
THAT'S 50 YEARS AGO!
- YEAH, THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I BEEN TELLING YOU!
I MEAN, WE'RE A
MISERABLE... 50 YEARS AGO?
- YES, MR. KREBS, 50 YEARS AGO
WHEN THEY PUT IN THE
ORIGINAL BASE FOR THAT STATUE.
EVEN THEN, APPARENTLY THEY KNEW
SOMETHING ABOUT TIME CAPSULES.
- DON'T YOU SEE, MAYNARD?
EVERYBODY'S OWN TIME SEEMS
LIKE THE WORST TIME IN HISTORY
WHILE THEY'RE LIVING IN IT.
I GUESS OUR OWN TIME
SEEMS THAT WAY TO US.
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE'RE
NOT GONNA SURVIVE AND GROW
AND MAYBE EVEN TURN OUT BETTER.
THAT'S THE WAY
IT IS WITH PEOPLE.
- 50 YEARS AGO, THEY DIDN'T
THINK WE HAD ANY FUTURE EITHER,
BUT WE'RE STILL HERE, AREN'T WE?
- STILL STRUGGLING,
BUT STILL AROUND.
- YEAH, I GUESS CATS LIKE
US WILL ALWAYS BE AROUND.
I MEAN, WE DON'T USE OUR
HEADS TOO GOOD ALL THE TIME,
BUT WE'RE SURE IN THERE TRYING.
- GOOD THINKING, MAYNARD.
- VERY GOOD THINKING, MAYNARD.
- VERY GOOD THINKING, MAYNARD.
- WELL, LIKE, THANK
YOU, DOCTORSHIP.
- MAY WE DISPENSE
WITH OLD HOME WEEK
AND GET ON WITH THE CEREMONY?
NOW, MR. KREBS, DO YOU
STILL WANT TO PUT NOTHING
IN THE TIME CAPSULE?
- OH, NO, NO, YOUR
CAP AND GOWNSHIP.
I WANNA PUT SOMETHING REAL
PROGRESSIVE IN THERE, A NOTE.
HERE. WRITE THIS
GOOD, SMALL GIRL.
TO ALL YOU CATS IN
FUTUREVILLE, LIKE, HI.
WE JUST WANT YOU TO
KNOW THAT THINGS BACK HERE
AIN'T AS BAD AS THEY SEEM.
IN FACT, THEY'RE,
LIKE, THE GREATEST.
SIGNED, MAYNARD G.
KREBS, 20th CENTURY CITIZEN.
- GREATEST. HERE,
MAYNARD, SIGN IT.
- VERY IMPRESSIVE,
MR. KREBS. I'M PROUD OF YOU.
- SO AM I, MAYNARD.
- DOBE, I ONLY GOT ONE QUESTION.
DO YOU SPELL KREBS
WITH A K OR A C?
- WELCOME HOME,
MAYNARD, WELCOME HOME.
COME ON, MAYNARD.
- HI-HO, THERE, KREBS BABY.
YOU'RE JUST THE CHAP
I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR.
- LIKE, OKAY, CHATSY, I AIN'T
BACKING OUT OF NO DEALS.
HERE'S THE EXAM QUESTIONS
I SNITCHED FROM
DR. BURKHART'S LAB.
I, MAYNARD G. KREBS, BOY CROOK.
- AND HERE IS A GIFT CERTIFICATE
FOR THE FINEST
HI-FI SET AVAILABLE,
PLUS THE SPECIFIED
NUMBER OF STEREO RECORDS
AS PER OUR AGREEMENT.
- LOOK, CHATSY,
A DEAL IS A DEAL,
BUT I FIGURE MAYBE
I'M GONNA BE AROUND
FOR A WHILE AFTER ALL
AND MY CONSCIENCE IS GONNA
BE TROTTING RIGHT ALONG WITH ME.
SO YOU TAKE THE EXAM QUESTIONS,
BUT DON'T GIVE ME THE
RECORDS OR THE HI-FI
OR ANY OF THEM OTHER BRIBERIES.
- OH, MAYNIE DO, I WAS
HOPING YOU'D SAY THAT!
- YOU WAS?
- I SURE WAS.
LOOK, LET'S HASTEN
OVER TO THE LABORATORY
AND SLIP THOSE QUESTIONS
BACK INTO DR. BURKHART'S DESK.
AFTER ALL, IF AN OSBORNE CAN'T
AFFORD TO FLUNK A TEST HONESTLY
ONCE IN A WHILE,
WHO MAY ONE ASK CAN?
- YOU MAY BE A
NO-GOOD SLOB, CHATSY,
BUT YOU'RE A FINE
DECENT NO-GOOD SLOB.
- THAT'S SNOB, AND
LIKEWISE, KREBS BABY.
- GEE, I'M GETTIN' PRETTY MISTY.
- SO AM I.
AND THIS IS A TIME CAPSULE.
IT REPRESENTS
PERMANENCE AND DURABILITY.
THIS IS A ROCKET.
IT REPRESENTS
PROGRESS AND SCIENCE.
THIS IS MY FRIEND,
MAYNARD G. KREBS.
HE REPRESENTS, WELL,
NOBODY CAN QUITE TELL
WHAT MAYNARD REPRESENTS.
NOW WHAT DO THESE FOUR
THINGS HAVE IN COMMON?
JUST WAIT AND SEE.
[JAZZ THEME]
- WELL, GOOD MORNING, STUDENTS.
AND I USE THE TERM
STUDENTS WHIMSICALLY.
WELL, YOU ARE ALL
NO DOUBT WONDERING
WHY WE'RE MEETING OUT HERE TODAY
INSTEAD OF IN OUR
REGULAR CLASSROOM.
ALL RIGHT, SO YOU ARE
NOT NO DOUBT WONDERING,
BUT I AM YOUR BELOVED
HISTORY AND BIOLOGY TEACHER
AND I HAVE PREPARED
A STIRRING SPEECH
THAT I DON'T INTEND TO WASTE.
SO I'M GOING TO TELL
YOU ANYHOW AND YOU WILL,
A, LISTEN WITH EAGER,
FASCINATED ATTENTION
OR, B, WIN A REAL LIFE FLUNK
NOTICE OF YOUR VERY OWN.
AH, THE As HAVE IT,
AND SO MUCH FOR THE
ART OF GENTLE PERSUASION.
NOW TO BUSINESS.
WHEN OUR BELOVED
FOUNDER, S. PETER PRYOR,
ARRIVED HERE MANY YEARS
AGO, HE STOOD ON THIS SPOT
AND PROCLAIMED FOR
ALL THE WORLD TO HEAR,
"THIS IS WHERE I SHALL
ESTABLISH MY COLLEGE."
RUMOR HAS IT THAT HE
PICKED THAT PARTICULAR SPOT
BECAUSE HIS FEET HURT
AND HE DIDN'T WANT
TO IRRITATE HIS BUNIONS.
HOWEVER, THOSE ARE
PROBABLY ONLY THE WORDS
OF OPPOSING REAL
ESTATE OPERATORS.
AT ANY RATE, THIS PLAQUE STANDS
ON THE MOST HALLOWED PIECE
OF GROUND ON OUR CAMPUS.
TOMORROW, THEY'RE GOING TO
REMOVE THE CRUMBLING OLD BASE
ON WHICH IT WAS BUILT
AND REPLACE IT WITH A
NEWER, STURDIER ONE.
NOW BARRING UNEXPECTED
FORECLOSURE OF THE MORTGAGE,
THE NEW BASE SHOULD
ENDURE FOR MANY YEARS.
SO TO CELEBRATE THE OCCASION,
WE ARE GOING TO CEMENT INTO
IT A MOST FASCINATING OBJECT,
A TIME CAPSULE.
- A TIME CAPSULE, DR. BURKHART?
- A TIME CAPSULE, MR. GILLIS.
YOU DO KNOW WHAT A
TIME CAPSULE IS, DON'T YOU?
- I SURE DO, DON'T WE, ZELDA?
- YOU BET, POOPSIE.
A TIME CAPSULE IS A
CYLINDER MADE OF LEAD WHICH,
WHEN PROPERLY SEALED,
BECOMES ABSOLUTELY AIRTIGHT,
THUS OBJECTS PLACED WITHIN
IT REMAIN IN PERFECT CONDITION
FOR HUNDREDS, EVEN
THOUSANDS OF YEARS.
- THANK YOU, MISS GILROY. AN
EXCELLENT RECITATION, AS USUAL.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
- CERTAIN OBJECTS
CAREFULLY SELECTED
TO BE REPRESENTATIVE
OF OUR CULTURE
WILL BE PLACED IN
THE TIME CAPSULE
BEFORE IT IS DEPOSITED
IN THE BASE OF THE PLAQUE.
MR. OSBORNE, DO YOU KNOW WHY?
- SO THAT PEOPLE
CAN OPEN THE CAPSULE
THOUSANDS OF YEARS FROM NOW
AND IMMEDIATELY LEARN WHAT
SUPERB CREATURES WE WERE
BACK HERE IN THE 20th
CENTURY, CORRECT?
- CORRECT.
- CORRECT.
- NATURALLY.
- TELL ME, MR. GILLIS, WHAT
ARTICLE WOULD YOU CHOOSE?
NOW THINK CAREFULLY.
IT ISN'T A CHOICE
TO BE MADE LIGHTLY.
TRY TO NAME A SINGLE OBJECT
THAT REPRESENTS IN A SENSE
WHAT WE BELIEVE IN, WHAT
WE'RE STRUGGLING FOR.
- A PHOTOGRAPH. THAT'S
WHAT I'D PUT IN THAT CAPSULE.
- A PHOTOGRAPH OF WHAT?
- OF A GIRL.
- I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.
ANY PARTICULAR GIRL?
- NO, NO. ANY GIRL, JUST
SO SHE'S SOFT AND ROUND
AND CREAMY AND LOVABLE
BECAUSE GIRLS LIKE THAT
ARE THE FINEST THINGS OUR
CIVILIZATION'S EVER PRODUCED
AND THEY'RE SURE WHAT I
BELIEVE IN AND STRUGGLE FOR.
- CONSTANTLY,
MR. GILLIS, CONSTANTLY.
YOUR CHOICE IS
HARDLY A PROFOUND ONE.
BUT AS A MEMBER OF
THE SEX IN QUESTION,
I CAN ONLY SAY HERE, HERE.
MISS GILROY, YOU ARE
ALWAYS A ROCK OF GOOD SENSE.
WHAT ARTICLE WILL YOU CHOOSE?
- I WOULD ALSO
CHOOSE A PHOTOGRAPH.
- OH? OF WHAT?
- OF DOBIE.
- ZELDA, PLEASE.
- I WANT WOMEN A
THOUSAND YEARS FROM NOW
TO STUDY THE PICTURE
OF MY DOBIEKINS AND SAY,
"AH, THOSE WOMEN IN THE 1960s
CLAWED AND SCRATCHED AND FOUGHT
"FOR THEIR MEN NO MATTER HOW
VAGUE AND HELPLESS AND SIMPLE
THEIR FACES WERE."
NO OFFENSE, POOPSIE.
- THANKS, ZELDA, THANKS A LUMP.
[LAUGHS]
- QUIET, PLEASE!
YOU'LL HAVE TO DIG IN AND DO
SOME BETTER THINKING THAN THAT.
YOU WILL BRING THE ARTICLES
TO BE PLACED IN THE TIME CAPSULE
AT TOMORROW'S CEREMONIES.
THAT'S YOUR ASSIGNMENT
AND THE DEAN WILL MAKE
THE FINAL SELECTION.
AND THEY DARN WELL RIGHT
BETTER BE SHARP CHOICES
BECAUSE I DON'T INTEND TO LET
FUTURE GENERATIONS PICTURE US
AS AN ECCENTRIC, ZANY BUNCH
OF HALF-BAKED SCREWBALLS WHO...
- YOU RANG?
- OH, MR. KREBS, WELCOME
TO THE LAND OF THE LIVING.
- LIKE, LIKEWISE,
YOUR PROFESSORSHIP.
- MR. KREBS, YOU ARE A
PERPETUALLY HAPPY-GO-LUCKY,
CHEERFUL, YOUNG MAN.
WHAT LIGHTHEARTED OBJECT
WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO PLACE
IN THE TIME CAPSULE FOR
FUTURE GENERATIONS TO DIG UP
AND LEARN ALL ABOUT US?
- NOTHING.
- NOTHING?
- BUT NOTHING 'CAUSE THERE
WON'T BE NOBODY HERE TO DIG IT UP.
I MEAN, ONE OF THEM SLACK-HEADER
JOKERS IS GONNA WIG OUT
AND PUSH THE PANIC BUTTON
AND IT'S HELLO BOMB TIME.
EVERY HUMAN PERSON
IN THIS WHOLE WORLD
AND EVERY PLACE ELSE WILL
BE GONE, LIKE, BYE-BYEVILLE,
LIKE, BOOM, BOOM, KER-BOOM!
- YESTERDAY WHEN
DR. BURKHART BROUGHT UP
THIS TIME CAPSULE
IDEA, I WAS ALL FOR IT.
I MEAN, STASHING AWAY
ALL SORTS OF THINGS
SO PEOPLE WAY UP THERE
IN THE FUTURE CAN DIG IT UP
AND SEE WHAT MADE
US TICK SOUNDED GREAT,
SORT OF INSTANT HISTORY.
BUT LOOK WHAT IT DID TO
MY FRIEND, MAYNARD G. KREBS.
SINCE THE MINUTE HE
LAID EYES ON THIS CAPSULE,
ALL HE CAN DO IS RUN AROUND
HOLLERING BOOM, BOOM, KER-BOOM.
- BOOM, BOOM, KER-BOOM!
- MAYNARD, I WANT YOU TO
CUT THAT OUT THIS MINUTE!
YOU BEEN WAILING AND
CARRYING ON LIKE A STUCK PIG
EVER SINCE YOU SAW
THAT TIME CAPSULE.
WHY? WHAT STARTED IT?
WHAT GOT YOU INTO
THIS SCREWY MOOD?
- IT AIN'T SCREWY.
IT'S, LIKE, VERY MENTAL,
AND IT WAS A NEWSPAPER.
- NO, WHAT WAS DIFFERENT
ABOUT THIS NEWSPAPER?
- I READ IT.
- NOW CONCENTRATE, MAYNARD.
WHAT'D YOU READ IN
THIS NEWSPAPER THAT GOT
YOU SO SHOOK UP?
- OH, TERRIBLE, SCARY
THINGS, GOOD BUDDY.
PEOPLE FIGHTING OTHER PEOPLE,
STABBING THEM, BEATING THEM UP.
ARSON, THEY CALL IT. ROBBING,
KNIFING, CRACKING SKULLS.
- I SEE.
- THAT WAS ONLY THE COMIC PAGE.
WAIT'LL YOU HEAR WHAT'S
GOING ON IN THE REAL WORLD.
- MAYNARD, I UNDERSTAND NOW.
- YEAH, AND EVERYBODY'S
THREATENING EVERYBODY ELSE,
OVERSEAS FOREIGN
COUNTRIES YELLING AT US,
US YELLING AT OVERSEAS
FOREIGN COUNTRIES,
AND THERE'S ARMIES
AND ROCKETS...
- MAYNARD, WHAT'S WRONG?
- I SCARED MYSELF.
- NOW CONCENTRATE, MAYNARD.
YOUR REACTION TO
WHAT'S HAPPENING
IN THE WORLD DOES YOU CREDIT.
ALL THOSE SCARY HEADLINES
WERE BOUND TO UPSET SOMEONE
AS KIND AND SENSITIVE
AND GENTLE AS YOU.
- YEAH, DOGS FROM THE
STREET LICK MY HAND.
- ALL THINKING PEOPLE
GO THROUGH A PHASE
WHEN THEY'RE CONVINCED
THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO HOPE
FOR CIVILIZATION.
- I'M CONVINCED AND I'M
NOT EVEN THINKING PEOPLE.
- SURE, THE WORLD'S LOADED
WITH VIOLENCE AND HATRED,
ALL SORTS OF AWFUL THINGS.
BUT IT'S GOT LOTS OF
WONDERFUL THINGS IN IT TOO.
- BUT WHAT ABOUT THEM
BIG IMPORTANT BIGWIGS
WALKING ON THEM BIG
IMPORTANT CONFERENCES?
- WHAT ABOUT GIRLS AND TENNIS
AND HOT FUDGE SUNDAES
AND WATER SPORTS?
- WHAT ABOUT THE
ARMIES AND ROCKETS?
- WHAT ABOUT HI-FI AND FRIED
ONIONS AND COOL JAZZ COMBOS
AND WEARING CLEAN,
STARCHED SHIRTS.
- WHAT YOU SAID...
- EXCUSE ME, MAYNARD.
SKIP THE CLEAN, STARCHED SHIRTS.
- WHAT ABOUT...
- STOP LOOKING ON THE DARK SIDE.
THERE'S GOOD AND
BAD IN THIS WORLD
AND WE CAN LIVE
WITH BOTH OF THEM.
WE ALWAYS HAVE.
- I DON'T KNOW, DOBE.
I'M, LIKE, WORRIED
AND SCARED AND JUMPY.
AND, MAN, WHEN I FEEL LIKE THAT,
THERE'S ONLY ONE THING TO DO.
- MAYNARD...
- NO, DON'T TRY AND
STOP ME, GOOD BUDDY.
IT'S THE ONLY WAY I CAN
THINK AND CLEAR MY HEAD.
MAN, THERE'S NOTHING
LIKE THIS STUFF
TO MAKE A MAN
FORGET HIS TROUBLES.
OH, WHAT I WOULDN'T
GIVE FOR A LIFETIME SUPPLY
OF THAT TUTTI-FRUTTI
ON THE ROCKS.
- LIKE, WHAT DO YOU
GIVE, KREBS BABY?
- YOU NAME IT,
YOU GOT IT, WALDO.
- THEN REFRESH YOURSELF,
MY BEARDED GOURMAND.
- YOU PAYING?
- I'M PAYING.
- OH, I'M EATING. LIKE,
WHOA, WHAT'S THE CATCH?
- CATCH?
- THE JOKER, THE KICKBACK,
THE BOOBY TRAP.
WITH YOU, THERE'S GOTTA
BE ONE, CHATSWORTH.
- THAT'S MOST
UNKIND, KREBS BABY.
TRUE, BUT MOST UNKIND.
ACTUALLY, MAYNIE
DO, IT'S QUITE SIMPLE.
ITEM, YOU HOLD A PART-TIME
JOB FEEDING THE OWLS
IN DR. BURKHART'S'
BIOLOGY LABORATORY, TRUE?
- LIKE, TRUE. I GOT
A WAY WITH OWLS.
- ALSO KEPT IN DR. BURKHART'S
LABORATORY IN HER DESK
NEAR THE OWLS ARE THE
QUESTIONS FOR THE BIOLOGY EXAM
SHE INTENDS TO GIVE
NEXT WEEK, TRUE?
- LIKE, TRUE. SO?
- SO, I WANT YOU TO
STEAL THEM FOR ME.
- THE OWLS?
- NO, THE EXAM
QUESTIONS, YOU NINNY!
- OH, I DON'T KNOW, CHATSWORTH.
I MYSELF AM NOT PERSONALLY
ENROLLED IN BIOLOGY.
I MEAN, I HAVE ENOUGH
TROUBLE SPEAKING ENGLISH... ME?
STEAL? ME? MAYNARD G. HONEST?
- QUIET, YOU OAF!
- ME? BURGLE?
MAYNARD G. HONORABLE?
- SHH! THEY'LL HEAR YOU!
- I DON'T CARE! I'M 100
PERCENT AMERICAN BOY
AND I DON'T DO NOTHING DISHONEST
ON ACCOUNT I HAVE A CONSCIENCE!
- CORRECTION, MAYNIE DO. YOU
USED TO HAVE A CONSCIENCE.
BUT IT'S USELESS TO YOU NOW
BECAUSE NONE OF
US WILL EVEN BE HERE
IN THE VERY, VERY NEAR FUTURE!
THE END OF CIVILIZATION?
ISN'T THAT WHAT
YOU SAID YOURSELF?
- LIKE, TRUE. WE'RE HEADING
AND ZOOMING RIGHT FOR BOOM,
BOOM, KER-BOOM!
- CORRECT, AND SO
GRACEFULLY EXPRESSED.
SO, KREBS BABY, SINCE YOU WON'T
BE AROUND FOR YOUR CONSCIENCE
TO ANNOY YOU ANYHOW, WHY NOT
ENJOY YOURSELF NOW IN THE GAY,
FUN-FILLED, DELIGHT,
MADCAP PRESENT?
REFRESH YOURSELF, DEAR CRONIE,
AND THERE'S OODLES MORE
WHERE THAT CAME FROM
IF YOU OBTAIN THE
EXAM QUESTIONS FOR ME.
- OH, I DON'T KNOW, CHATSWORTH.
- I MERELY NEED TO SEE
THEM FOR A FEW MOMENTS,
THEN YOU CAN RETURN THEM.
OH, ALL RIGHT THEN.
I'LL THROW IN A DOZEN
USED STEREO RECORDS.
- BUT, CHATSWORTH...
- VERY WELL THEN.
MAKE THAT TWO DOZEN.
- BUT, CHATSWORTH...
- AND A FABULOUS CUSTOM-BUILT
HI-FI SET TO PLAY THEM ON.
BUT THAT'S AS HIGH AS I GO.
OH, GAD, MAN, YOU'RE
A SHREWD BARGAINER,
YOU HARD-FISTED
BUSINESSMAN, YOU.
- ME?
- YOU.
THANK YOU, NOBLE
CITIZEN, THANK YOU.
YOU ARE PERFORMING
A GLORIOUS DEED
FOR YOUR SCHOOL
AND YOUR COUNTRY.
- SNITCHING EXAM QUESTIONS?
- YOU SEE, UNDER
NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES,
I, CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.,
WITH MY SUPERIOR OSBORNE BRAIN,
WOULD HAVE NO NEED
WHATSOEVER FOR ADVANCED COPIES
OF THE EXAMINATION QUESTIONS.
WHY THEN AM I IN
DIFFICULTY NOW, YOU ASK?
- WHO'S ASKING?
- I SHALL TELL YOU
SINCE YOU INSIST.
- WHO'S INSISTING?
- AS THE SOLE MEMBER
OF THE OSBORNE DYNASTY
CURRENTLY ENROLLED
IN THIS FINE INSTITUTION,
I HAVE CERTAIN
SOLEMN OBLIGATIONS!
AFTER ALL, WHO IS BEST QUALIFIED
TO KEEP THE NAME OF OUR SCHOOL
BRIGHT AND SHINY AND
CONTINUALLY IN THE PUBLIC EYE?
WHO? WHO? WHO?
- THE OWL.
- AN OSBORNE, OF COURSE!
WHEN STUDENTS DROP PAPER BAGS
FILLED WITH WATER
ON PASSING CITIZENS,
WHO MUST TAKE THE LEAD
BY DROPPING THE FIRST BAG?
- WHO?
- AN OSBORNE!
WHEN STUDENTS SWALLOW GOLDFISH,
WHO MUST TAKE THE
FIRST, GULP, SWALLOW?
AN OSBORNE!
WHEN STUDENTS CRAM
INTO TELEPHONE BOOTHS,
WHO MUST BE THE FIRST TO CRAM
IN AND THE LAST TO CRAWL OUT?
- WHO?
- AN OSBORNE, THAT'S WHO!
WITH SUCH A TRADITION TO UPHOLD,
CAN I BE UNTRUE TO
MY FAMILY'S REPUTATION
BY SHIRKING MY OBLIGATION?
NO, HENCE I HAVE HAD
NO TIME WHATSOEVER
FOR SUCH PROSAIC
MATTERS AS STUDYING
FOR A BIOLOGY EXAMINATION.
WHEN DUTY CALLS,
AN OSBORNE ANSWERS.
- CHATSWORTH, YOU'RE ALL HEART.
- I SURELY AM.
- TOO BAD YOU'RE
SUCH A LOWDOWN RAT.
- IT'S A SHAME, ISN'T
IT? NOW TELL ME.
WHEN WILL YOU
BE ABLE TO SNITCH...
BORROW THE EXAM QUESTIONS
FROM DR. BURKHART'S DESK?
- OH, CHATSWORTH...
- DON'T BOTHER
THANKING ME, MAYNIE DO.
WHEN DO YOU GO TO FEED THE
OWLS IN DR. BURKHART'S LAB?
- 1:00 ON THE DOT.
- IT'S 1:30 NOW!
- I MUST HAVE MISSED THE DOT.
- WHY ARE YOU DAWDLING?
AWAY, AWAY, AWAY!
GET YOURSELF TO THAT
LABORATORY POST-HASTE!
- I DON'T KNOW, CHATSWORTH.
I GOTTA GIVE THIS SOME
HIGH-POWERED THINKING.
- WITH WHAT? NO
OFFENSE, KREBS BABY.
I JUST MEANT GIVE IT ALL THE
TIME YOU NEED UP TO IMMEDIATELY.
- OH, MY HEAD'S KINDA CUTE,
BUT I DON'T FIGURE
OUT THINGS SO GOOD.
WHAT I NEED IS SOME ADVICE.
- ADVICE?
- YEAH, LIKE, RIGHT AWAY QUICK,
AND I KNOW WHERE TO GET IT
TOO, FROM A PERSON WHO'S SMART,
INTELLIGENT, BRAINY
AND VERY, VERY DEEP.
- WHO SAYS A PROPELLER
BEANIE AND A SWEET POTATO
AREN'T GREAT EXAMPLES OF
THE KIND OF PEOPLE WE ARE?
- I DO, BUT I'M
BEGINNING TO WONDER
WHETHER YOU'RE WORTH
ALL THE TIME AND EFFORT
I'M PUTTING IN TRYING
TO GET YOU TO SHAPE UP.
- I'M NOT, ZELDA, SO GOODBYE.
- YOU ARE, AND STOP
WITH THE TRICKS ALREADY.
YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY.
- ZELDA, WHAT DO
YOU WANT WITH ME?
I'M SHIFTLESS, IRRESPONSIBLE,
I'M NOT TOO BRIGHT.
- THAT'S RIGHT, SNOOKUMS.
- HEY, DON'T AGREE SO FAST.
- ALSO, YOU SQUINT,
YOU'RE PIGEON-TOED
AND YOU'LL BE BALD
BEFORE YOU'RE 30.
- NO OFFENSE, ZELDA, BUT
IT'LL BE A COLD WINTER IN JULY
BEFORE ANYBODY SEES
YOUR PICTURE HANGING
IN THE MEN'S LOCKER ROOM.
- TRUE. WE'RE BOTH
A COUPLE OF DOGS
AND WE'RE STUCK WITH EACH OTHER.
IT'S LOVE, BUSTER,
YOU CAN'T FIGHT IT.
- I CAN TRY, ZELDA, I CAN TRY.
- SIT DOWN, MISTER,
AND CUT THE BACKTALK.
WE GOTTA GET CRACKIN'
ON THE THINGAMABOBS
FOR THE TIME CAPSULE.
THE PROGRAM STARTS AT FIVE SHARP
AND WE GOTTA THINK ABOUT
WHAT WE'RE GONNA PICK.
NOW HERE'S WHAT I'VE PICKED.
SO FAR, I CAN'T DECIDE
BETWEEN A CAN OPENER,
A BALLPOINT PEN
AND A BAR OF SOAP.
THEY'RE ALL TYPICAL
OF OUR CULTURE.
- WELL, I'VE GOT
SOME AIRMAIL STAMPS
AND A JAR OF INSTANT COFFEE
AND ONE OF MY OLD WALLETS.
THEY'RE ALL TYPICAL TOO.
- THE WALLET'S EMPTY.
- WITH ME, THAT'S TYPICAL.
- THIS IS A NATURAL.
A COPY OF TODAY'S NEWSPAPER.
- SEE? IT'S JUST
LIKE I TOLD YOU!
OH, THEM BIG, BLACK,
SPOOKY HEADLINES!
OH, AND YOU SAY WE
AIN'T DOOMED! DIG THIS!
GANG WAR IN SOUTH SIDE,
DISMEMBERED TORSO IN SWAMP,
MONSTER DEVOURS CLEVELAND!
- MAYNARD, THAT'S
THE MOVIE PAGE!
- OH. READ THE REST OF
IT. EVEN WORSE, YOU'LL SEE.
- YOU BET I'LL READ
THE REST OF IT.
I'LL READ SOME OF THE GOOD
NEWS YOU INSIST ON IGNORING.
LISTEN, LEADERS MEET AT
PEACE AND FRIENDSHIP RALLY.
HOW ABOUT THAT, MAYNARD?
- HOW ABOUT THIS?
PEACE AND FRIENDSHIP RALLY
BREAKS UP IN
BRAWL AND FISTFIGHT.
- MAYNARD...
- TIGERS MAUL YANKS!
- MAYNARD, THOSE ARE
THE BASEBALL SCORES!
- OH.
- NO, NOT EXACTLY, DOBIE.
TWO AMERICAN HUNTERS,
WHILE TRACKING WILD
ANIMALS IN AFRICA...
- NEVER MIND!
- EVERYTHING'S GOING BAD.
NOTHING GOOD'S HAPPENING.
WE'RE, LIKE, DOOMED, DOOMED!
- MAYNARD, ENOUGH!
SURE, THERE ARE UNPLEASANT
THINGS GOING ON IN THE WORLD.
WE ALL KNOW ABOUT IT.
BUT DO WE RUN AROUND
DEPRESSING EVERYBODY,
HOLLERING BOOM, BOOM, KER-BOOM?
NO, WE TRY TO MAKE OURSELVES
HAPPY WITH THE THINGS
THAT ARE GOOD, AND IT'S TIME
FOR YOU TO START DOING THE SAME.
- BOOM, BOOM, KER-BOOM!
- MAYNARD!
I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU, MAYNARD.
I TRY TO HELP YOU
STRAIGHTEN YOURSELF OUT,
BUT YOU JUST WON'T LISTEN!
NOW GET TO THE POINT.
WHAT DID YOU COME
HERE FOR ANYHOW?
- OH, I WAS TALKING TO
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.,
SEE, AND I WANTED
TO GET YOUR ADVICE.
- OKAY, MAYNARD, I'LL GIVE
YOU A BIG, FAT CHUNK OF ADVICE.
WISE UP AND STOP TRYING TO
DESTROY EVERYBODY'S FAITH
IN THE FUTURE.
IF EVERYBODY FELT
THE WAY YOU DO,
WE MIGHT JUST AS WELL RUN
UP A WHITE FLAG AND QUIT.
THERE'D BE NO DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN RIGHT AND WRONG,
BETWEEN GOOD AND BAD.
EVERYBODY'D DO
EXACTLY AS HE PLEASED
BECAUSE THERE WOULDN'T BE
ANY TOMORROW TO THINK ABOUT.
IF YOU WANTED SOMETHING,
IT'D BE FINE AND DANDY
TO GO RIGHT AHEAD
AND TAKE IT OR STEAL IT.
WHY WORRY ABOUT HOW
YOU'LL FEEL ABOUT IT TOMORROW?
BECAUSE THERE ISN'T
GONNA BE ANY TOMORROW!
NOW WHAT'S THE QUESTION YOU
WANT TO ASK ABOUT CHATSWORTH?
- OH, IT DON'T MATTER.
YOU JUST ANSWERED IT.
LIKE, BYE.
DON'T BOTHER DRAGGING
THE RIVER FOR MY BODY.
- MAYNARD, LOOK.
- 'CAUSE I AIN'T GOT
THE BUS FARE TO
GET TO THE RIVER.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M
GONNA DO, DR. BURKHART?
I'M GONNA FEED YOUR OWLS.
- BRAVO, MR. KREBS.
AROUND CAMPUS, THEY'RE
BEGINNING TO CALL YOU
THE FRANK BUCK OF THE BIRD SET.
- LIKE, THANK YOU,
PROFESSORSHIP, MA'AM.
I LOVE THEM LITTLE POP-EYED
RASCALS AND, LIKE, VICE VERSA.
- NO OFFENSE, MR. KREBS,
BUT JUST LOOKING AT YOU,
I CAN SEE THAT YOU
HAVE MUCH IN COMMON.
- LIKE, THANK YOU.
- FEED THE OWLS, MR. KREBS.
I'M JUST RECHECKING THESE
QUESTIONS FOR THE BIOLOGY EXAM.
- OH? ARE YOU GONNA
STAY THERE THE WHOLE TIME
WHILE I FEED THE OWLS, DR. B.?
- WELL, THAT WAS MY INTENTION
UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU
INTEND FLYING AROUND THE ROOM
WHILE YOU DO IT.
- THINK IT'D WORK?
LIKE, HI, MELINDA.
ARE YOU HUNGRY, GIRL? PHEW!
YEAH, YOU'RE HUNGRY.
WELL, LIKE, STAND BY.
DADDY WILL FEED YOU.
HERE YOU ARE NOW.
TAKE A LITTLE NIBBLE.
COME ON, A LITTLE
NIBBLE, COME ON.
THAT'S A GIRL. OH,
GOOD GIRL! BRAVO!
COME ON, YOU WATCH
HOW DADDY DOES IT. WATCH.
DELICIOUS, YUM.
COME ON, JUST A LITTLE TEENSY
WEENSY, LITTLE TEENSY BIT.
COME ON.
YOU DON'T ANY, IRIS, HUH?
YOU'RE TOO FAT ALREADY?
COME ON, YEAH.
HEY, HOW ABOUT A SONG
WHILE YOU'RE EATING, HUH?
NO, NOT YOU, ME.
♪ MELINDA IS MY DEAREST FRIEND ♪
♪ HAPPY HOURS WE DO SPEND ♪
♪ PLAYING BALL ALL NIGHT LONG ♪
♪ SHE'S AN OWL ON A PERCH ♪
- NO OFFENSE, MR. KREBS,
BUT I JUST REMEMBERED
THAT I HAVE TO RUSH HOME
AND SEE IF MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE.
I'LL BE BACK IN... HOW LONG WILL
IT TAKE YOU TO FEED THE OWLS?
- OH, AROUND, LIKE, 10
OR 5 MINUTES, DEPENDING.
- DEPENDING ON WHAT?
- I DON'T KNOW.
EVERYBODY ELSE SAYS
DEPENDING, SO I SAY IT TOO.
- I'LL BE BACK IN, LIKE,
AROUND 10 OR 5 MINUTES.
I'M SURE YOU AND
YOUR FETTERED FRIENDS
WON'T MIND BEING LEFT ALONE.
- NATURALLY, WE WON'T
MIND BEING LEFT ALONE,
ALONE IN DR. BURKHART'S LAB
WITH THE BIOLOGY QUESTIONS?
BOOM, BOOM, KER-BOOM!
- YOUR CONSCIENCE IS USELESS
NOW BECAUSE NONE OF US
WILL EVEN BE HERE IN THE
VERY, VERY NEAR FUTURE.
BOOM, BOOM, KER-BOOM!
- IF YOU WANTED SOMETHING,
IT'D BE FINE AND DANDY
TO GO RIGHT AHEAD
AND TAKE IT OR STEAL IT.
WHY WORRY ABOUT TOMORROW?
- MAN, I COULD TELL YOU
TWO GUYS TO FLAKE OFF
IF I ONLY HAD A CONSCIENCE.
BUT WHAT GOOD'S A
CONSCIENCE IN A WORLD
THAT AIN'T LONG FOR THIS WORLD?
- UNLIMITED SODAS,
SUNDAES, STEREO RECORDS,
FABULOUS HI-FIT SET.
- THERE ISN'T GONNA
BE ANY TOMORROW.
BOOM, BOOM, KER-BOOM!
- IT'S AN UNFAIR BATTLE.
MY HEART'S, LIKE,
RED, WHITE AND BLUE.
MY BACKBONE'S PURE YELLOW.
- WELL, MR. KREBS, ARE
YOU FINISHED YET, I HOPE?
- ALMOST, DR. B., ALMOST.
HERE, MELINDA.
♪ MELINDA IS MY DEAREST FRIEND ♪
♪ HAPPY HOURS WE DO SPEND ♪
♪ PLAYING BALL
ALL NIGHT SHE'S... ♪
- POOR MAYNARD.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT
WAS BOTHERING HIM,
BUT I KNEW IT WAS
SOMETHING SERIOUS
BECAUSE, FOR THE NEXT FEW
HOURS, HE DISAPPEARED COMPLETELY.
BOY, I WAS REALLY WONDERED.
FOR ALL I KNEW, MAYNARD COULD
BE IN VERY SERIOUS TROUBLE.
ZELDA, I'M SCARED.
WHEN MAYNARD GETS INTO ONE
OF THESE DESPERATE MOODS,
HE DOES DESPERATE THINGS.
- NOW CALM DOWN,
PLEASE, POOPSIE?
YOU'LL BLOW YOUR STACK.
- REMEMBER THE TIME HE DECIDED
TO HAD TO GET AWAY FROM IT ALL,
SO HE SENT HIS PICTURE
TO A LONELY HEARTS CLUB?
- I REMEMBER HOW THEY SENT IT
BACK SAYING THEY WERE LONELY,
NOT DESPERATE.
WHY, MAYNARD WILL BE FINE.
HE ALWAYS LANDS ON HIS FEET.
- I SURE HOPE SO.
[SNORING]
- MAYNARD, WAKE UP!
- MAYNARD, WAKE UP!
- MAYNARD, WHERE YOU BEEN?
- WE'VE BEEN HALF OUT OF OUR
MINDS WORRYING ABOUT YOU!
- I HAD, LIKE, A PROBLEM, SO I
TOOK A WALK TO DO SOME THINKING.
- AND WHAT HAPPENED?
- YOU KNOW ME, DOBE.
AS SOON AS I THINK FOR MORE
THAN TWO OR THREE MINUTES,
I FALL ASLEEP LIKE THIS.
- MAYNARD, COME ON!
- MAYNARD, WAKE UP!
DID YOU SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM?
- NOT YET, I'M STILL THINKING.
- MAYNARD!
- MAYNARD, THIS
PROBLEM OF YOURS,
DOES IT HAVE SOMETHING TO DO
WITH THIS BOOM, BOOM, KER-BOOM
SILLINESS YOU'VE BEEN
CARRYING ON ABOUT?
- IT AIN'T SILLY, AND YES.
DON'T YOU SEE, IF THINGS
AIN'T BLACK AND GLOOMY
LIKE, I BEEN TELLING YOU,
HOW COME WE DON'T KNOW IT?
- MAYNARD...
- HOW COME EVERY TIME YOU
READ ONE OF THEM NEWSPAPERS,
NOTHING LOOKS BETTER, OR WORSER?
- INCLUDING YOUR ENGLISH.
MAYNARD, LISTEN, I DON'T
KNOW HOW I CAN PROVE TO YOU
THAT THE WORLD
ISN'T ON ITS LAST LEGS.
BUT SOMEHOW
INSIDE, I JUST KNOW IT.
WE ALL DO.
- SURE, MAYNARD, AND
WHEN THE TIME COMES,
YOU'LL KNOW IT TOO.
YOU'LL FEEL IT IN YOUR
BONES. YOU'LL SENSE IT.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
- OH, THE CORNERSTONE
CEREMONY'S STARTING.
WE'D BETTER GO. COME ON, ZELDA.
- PSST!
- QUIET! QUIET, PLEASE!
OUR PROGRAM IS A
HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT ONE
AND WE WANT TO GET
STARTED IMMEDIATELY.
WE'RE GATHERED HERE
TODAY TO INSTALL A NEW BASE
AND A TIME CAPSULE
AND THE PLAQUE
HONORING OUR BELOVED
FOUNDER, S. PETER PRYOR.
AND HERE TO START
THE PROCEEDINGS
IS OUR GUEST OF
HONOR, DEAN MAGRUDER.
- THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
I'VE PREPARED A SCHOLARLY,
PHILOSOPHICAL, PROFOUND SPEECH,
BUT UNHAPPILY ON THE
WAY OVER HERE, I LOST IT.
NOW IF ANYONE APPLAUDS,
THERE'S GONNA BE TROUBLE.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S BETTER, THAT'S BETTER.
NOW, DR. BURKHART, I UNDERSTAND
THE MEMBERS OF YOUR
CLASS HAVE BROUGHT OBJECTS
THEY CONSIDER TO BE
REPRESENTATIVE OF OUR ERA.
AND FROM THESE, I
AM TO CHOOSE THOSE
WHICH WILL BE PLACED
INTO THIS CAPSULE.
- OH, YES, DEAN MAGRUDER.
AND I'M SURE, MORE OR LESS,
THAT THEY'VE COME UP
WITH SOME VERY GOOD IDEAS.
- WE SHALL SEE.
MISS GILROY?
- YES, SIR.
- WHAT ITEMS HAVE YOU
CHOSEN FOR THE CAPSULE
AS BEING REPRESENTATIVE
OF OUR SOCIETY?
- I HAVE A LIGHT BULB,
A POCKET DICTIONARY,
A CAN OF PUSH-BUTTON
SHAVING CREAM,
A CAN OF PUSH-BUTTON
WHIPPED CREAM
AND A CAN OF
PUSH-BUTTON TOOTHPASTE.
- THANK YOU, MISS GILROY,
AN EXCELLENT SELECTION.
- I ALSO HAD A CAN OF
PUSH-BUTTON HAIRSPRAY,
BUT I USED IT ON THE WAY OVER.
- MR. GILLIS, WHAT
HAVE YOU CHOSEN?
- WELL, I'VE CHOSEN A BOX SCORE
FROM THE WORLD SERIES AND A
PICTURE OF COMMANDER SHEPHERD,
OUR FIRST ASTRONAUT,
AND ONE OF MY MOTHER'S
DEEP-DISH APPLE PIES.
- PIE, MR. GILLIS?
- AND DEEP-DISH.
WHAT COULD BE MORE
TYPICAL OF OUR SOCIETY?
BUT TO BE PERFECTLY
HONEST, IT'S ONLY HALF A PIE.
I GOT HUNGRY ON THE WAY OVER.
- WELL, WHEN HISTORIANS DIG
UP THE CAPSULE IN THE YEAR 3000,
I'M SURE THAT FACT WILL
NOT GO OVERLOOKED.
MR. OSBORNE, TELL ME WHAT ITEMS
HAVE YOU PICKED FOR THE CAPSULE?
- NOT ITEMS, DEAN
MAGRUDER, AN ITEM.
A SINGLE OBJECT
WHICH I ASSURE YOU
REPRESENTS EVERYTHING
OF VALUE IN OUR SOCIETY,
A COPY OF THE OSBORNE
FAMILY COAT OF ARMS,
COMPLETE WITH A STIRRING MOTTO
WHICH HAS GUIDED OUR FOOTSTEPS
THROUGHOUT HISTORY, HEART,
NAIL, SUBSTANDIUM, TANQUERAY!
- MOST IMPRESSIVE, MR. OSBORNE.
AND WHAT IS THE
LITERAL TRANSLATION?
- NEVER DIP INTO CAPITOL.
THIS SERVED OUR FAMILY WELL.
- MR. KREBS, HAVE
YOU GIVEN THOUGHT
TO WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE
TO PLACE IN THE CAPSULE?
- YES, SIR, YOUR DEANSHIP.
WHAT I PUT IN THAT
CAPSULE IS NOTHING.
- NOTHING, MR. KREBS?
- BUT NOTHING, 'CAUSE THE
WAY THINGS ARE GOING NOW,
THERE'LL BE NOBODY
AROUND TO DIG IT UP ANYHOW!
- ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS
LOOK AT THEM BIG, BLACK,
SPOOKY NEWSPAPER HEADLINES!
YOU'LL SEE I'M, LIKE, RIGHT!
EVERYBODY'S YELLING AND
HOLLERING AND ARGUING!
- MAYNARD, SHHH!
- I MEAN,
THERE'S NO HOPE FOR
NOBODY! I MEAN, WE'RE, LIKE,
HEADING STRAIGHT FOR
BOOM, BOOM, KER-BOOM!
- SURELY, MR. KREBS, THINGS
CAN'T BE THAT SERIOUS.
- OH, THEY'RE SERIOUS! I
MEAN, ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS...
- HEY, HOLD IT! THERE'S
SOMETHING BURIED IN HERE!
I KEPT POKING MY SHOVEL INTO IT.
WITH MY LUCK, IT
COULDN'T BE OIL.
- AT THE BASE OF THE
PLAQUE? WHAT COULD IT BE?
- I DON'T KNOW. LET'S FIND OUT!
- NEWSPAPER! PRESIDENT
SAYS WAR INEVITABLE,
FUTURE TERMED
HOPELESS, LEADERS AGREE.
- SEE? WHAT DID I TELL YOU?
LIKE, HOPELESS, LIKE, WOE IS
ME, LIKE, BOOM, BOOM, KER-BOOM!
- SHHH! MR. KREBS,
LET ME READ FURTHER.
CIVILIZATION ON
VERGE OF COLLAPSE.
- LIKE, WOW, LET'S
HEAD FOR THE HILLS.
IT'S EVEN WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
- YES, MANKIND
HEADED FOR CALAMITY,
AND THE PAPER IS DATED 1911.
THAT'S 50 YEARS AGO!
- YEAH, THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I BEEN TELLING YOU!
I MEAN, WE'RE A
MISERABLE... 50 YEARS AGO?
- YES, MR. KREBS, 50 YEARS AGO
WHEN THEY PUT IN THE
ORIGINAL BASE FOR THAT STATUE.
EVEN THEN, APPARENTLY THEY KNEW
SOMETHING ABOUT TIME CAPSULES.
- DON'T YOU SEE, MAYNARD?
EVERYBODY'S OWN TIME SEEMS
LIKE THE WORST TIME IN HISTORY
WHILE THEY'RE LIVING IN IT.
I GUESS OUR OWN TIME
SEEMS THAT WAY TO US.
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE'RE
NOT GONNA SURVIVE AND GROW
AND MAYBE EVEN TURN OUT BETTER.
THAT'S THE WAY
IT IS WITH PEOPLE.
- 50 YEARS AGO, THEY DIDN'T
THINK WE HAD ANY FUTURE EITHER,
BUT WE'RE STILL HERE, AREN'T WE?
- STILL STRUGGLING,
BUT STILL AROUND.
- YEAH, I GUESS CATS LIKE
US WILL ALWAYS BE AROUND.
I MEAN, WE DON'T USE OUR
HEADS TOO GOOD ALL THE TIME,
BUT WE'RE SURE IN THERE TRYING.
- GOOD THINKING, MAYNARD.
- VERY GOOD THINKING, MAYNARD.
- VERY GOOD THINKING, MAYNARD.
- WELL, LIKE, THANK
YOU, DOCTORSHIP.
- MAY WE DISPENSE
WITH OLD HOME WEEK
AND GET ON WITH THE CEREMONY?
NOW, MR. KREBS, DO YOU
STILL WANT TO PUT NOTHING
IN THE TIME CAPSULE?
- OH, NO, NO, YOUR
CAP AND GOWNSHIP.
I WANNA PUT SOMETHING REAL
PROGRESSIVE IN THERE, A NOTE.
HERE. WRITE THIS
GOOD, SMALL GIRL.
TO ALL YOU CATS IN
FUTUREVILLE, LIKE, HI.
WE JUST WANT YOU TO
KNOW THAT THINGS BACK HERE
AIN'T AS BAD AS THEY SEEM.
IN FACT, THEY'RE,
LIKE, THE GREATEST.
SIGNED, MAYNARD G.
KREBS, 20th CENTURY CITIZEN.
- GREATEST. HERE,
MAYNARD, SIGN IT.
- VERY IMPRESSIVE,
MR. KREBS. I'M PROUD OF YOU.
- SO AM I, MAYNARD.
- DOBE, I ONLY GOT ONE QUESTION.
DO YOU SPELL KREBS
WITH A K OR A C?
- WELCOME HOME,
MAYNARD, WELCOME HOME.
COME ON, MAYNARD.
- HI-HO, THERE, KREBS BABY.
YOU'RE JUST THE CHAP
I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR.
- LIKE, OKAY, CHATSY, I AIN'T
BACKING OUT OF NO DEALS.
HERE'S THE EXAM QUESTIONS
I SNITCHED FROM
DR. BURKHART'S LAB.
I, MAYNARD G. KREBS, BOY CROOK.
- AND HERE IS A GIFT CERTIFICATE
FOR THE FINEST
HI-FI SET AVAILABLE,
PLUS THE SPECIFIED
NUMBER OF STEREO RECORDS
AS PER OUR AGREEMENT.
- LOOK, CHATSY,
A DEAL IS A DEAL,
BUT I FIGURE MAYBE
I'M GONNA BE AROUND
FOR A WHILE AFTER ALL
AND MY CONSCIENCE IS GONNA
BE TROTTING RIGHT ALONG WITH ME.
SO YOU TAKE THE EXAM QUESTIONS,
BUT DON'T GIVE ME THE
RECORDS OR THE HI-FI
OR ANY OF THEM OTHER BRIBERIES.
- OH, MAYNIE DO, I WAS
HOPING YOU'D SAY THAT!
- YOU WAS?
- I SURE WAS.
LOOK, LET'S HASTEN
OVER TO THE LABORATORY
AND SLIP THOSE QUESTIONS
BACK INTO DR. BURKHART'S DESK.
AFTER ALL, IF AN OSBORNE CAN'T
AFFORD TO FLUNK A TEST HONESTLY
ONCE IN A WHILE,
WHO MAY ONE ASK CAN?
- YOU MAY BE A
NO-GOOD SLOB, CHATSY,
BUT YOU'RE A FINE
DECENT NO-GOOD SLOB.
- THAT'S SNOB, AND
LIKEWISE, KREBS BABY.
- GEE, I'M GETTIN' PRETTY MISTY.
- SO AM I.