The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 3, Episode 36 - The Frat's in the Fire - full transcript

- HEY, JOE COLLEGE.

- OH, HI, DAD. WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?

COME TO SEE IF I'M
REALLY ACTING GROWNUP

NOW THAT I'M A COLLEGE MAN?

- OH, OF THAT I NEVER
HAD NO DOUBT, SON.

HERE, YOU FORGOT YOUR LUNCH.

- THANKS, DAD.
- OH, MY PLEASURE, EINSTEIN.

ALSO, YOU ARE VERY LUCKY

YOUR HEAD IS TIED
ONTO THE REST OF YOU.

HEY, WHAT DO THESE KIDS
THINK THEY'RE SELLING HERE, HUH?

- THEY'RE TRYING TO SIGN UP
STUDENTS FOR OUTSIDE ACTIVITIES.



- WELL, FROM THE
BUSINESS THEY'RE DOING,

THEY BETTER SWITCH
TO INSIDE ACTIVITIES

OR FIND SOME NEW
ONES. NOBODY'S BUYING.

- TRUE. MOST OF THE
KIDS ARE INTERESTED

IN A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT
KIND OF ACTIVITY.

- UH, LIKE THAT?
- LIKE THAT.

DAD, THAT'S THE
SILVER SPOON CLUB.

TO BE A MEMBER, YOU
PRACTICALLY HAVE TO BE BORN

WITH ONE IN YOUR MOUTH.

- A CLUB?
- A SILVER SPOON.

I'D LOVE TO JOIN.

THEY HAVE MORE FUN
THAN ANYONE ON CAMPUS,

BUT THEY'RE WAY
OUT OF OUR LEAGUE.

AND WHAT'S KEEPING ME
OUT ISN'T EVEN MY FAULT!



IT'S...

UH, NEVER MIND, DAD.

- YEAH. IT'S BECAUSE I'M THE
WRONG KIND OF A GUY, HUH?

INSTEAD OF HAVING
MONEY AND DRAG,

ALL I GOT IS DEBTS AND A
FOUR-BIT GROCERY STORE.

- LET'S FORGET IT, HUH, DAD?

- SON, YOU KNOW I'VE ALWAYS DONE

THE BEST I COULD BY YOU.

- OH, YOU HAVE, DAD, YOU HAVE.

- WELL, IF YOU WANNA
GET INTO THAT CLUB,

I'LL DO ANYTHING I CAN TO
HELP, ANYTHING. COME ON.

- DAD, BE REALISTIC.
FACE THE FACTS.

THAT'S THE KIND OF
HIGH-CLASS PEOPLE THEY TAKE IN.

THEIR PRESIDENT'S
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.

- PRETTY SPOOKY
FACT TO FACE, HUH?

- AND YOU SAY YOUR FAMILY
HAS ONLY SIX LINES IN WHO'S WHO?

HOW DISMAL!

APPLICATION FOR
ADMISSION... DENIED!

NEXT!

- SEE WHAT I MEAN?
IT'S HOPELESS.

- WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT. COME ON.

- WELL, HI-HI THERE, DOBIE DO.

I SAY, WOULD YOU MIND
[POP] DISAPPEARING?

IF YOU ARE SEEN
STANDING SO CLOSE,

IT MIGHT DAMAGE THE REPUTATION
OF THE SILVER SPOON CLUB.

THERE'S A GOOD GILLIS BABY.

- NOW, LISTEN, YOU...
[JAZZ THEME]

- MY FATHER, HERBERT T. GILLIS,
MAY BE ONLY A HUMBLE GROCER,

BUT HE HAS MANY
DESIRABLE QUALITIES.

HE'S FIRM AND DETERMINED AND
STRONG-WILLED AND INFLEXIBLE

AND, STICK AROUND,
SOONER OR LATER,

I'LL COME UP WITH
ONE THAT'S DESIRABLE.

YEP, HE BECAME PRETTY UNRULY

WHEN I WAS TURNED DOWN
BY THE SILVER SPOON CLUB.

BUT I'VE GOT TO GIVE HIM
CREDIT. WHEN HE CALMED DOWN,

HE AGREED TO LISTEN TO
MY SIDE OF THE QUESTION.

- SURE, I WILL LISTEN TO
YOUR SIDE OF THE QUESTION.

I AM A FAIR-MINDED MAN! SHOOT!

- GOOD. DAD, LET ME TELL YOU
WHY I'VE GOTTA FORGET ABOUT...

- OKAY. NOW I HAVE LISTENED
TO YOUR SIDE OF THE QUESTION.

NOW YOU LISTEN
TO MINE, BOY. QUIET!

YOU ARE MAKING IT VERY HARD
FOR ME TO BE A FAIR-MINDED MAN!

I KNOW THAT SOMETIMES
I AM A BIG TALKER,

ALSO A LOUDMOUTH!

- ALSO A BLOWHARD!
- MAYNARD.

- BUT LOOK, SON. I'VE
BEEN TAKING CARE OF YOU

FOR A LOT OF YEARS NOW

AND EVER SINCE YOU AS A BABY
WHEN SOMETHING BOTHERED YOU,

IT BOTHERED ME TOO, RIGHT HERE!

AND I GOT THAT FEELING
RIGHT NOW. REAL STRONG!

- MY FATHER USED
TO GET THAT TOO.

IT ALWAYS TURNED
OUT TO BE HEARTBURN.

- WELL, BOY, DOWN
THROUGH THE YEARS,

THERE HAVE BEEN A MILLION
THINGS I WANTED TO DO FOR YOU

AND I COULDN'T.

BUT AS SURE AS I
AM HERBERT T. GILLIS,

INDEPENDENT GROCER,

I AM NOT GOING TO MISS GETTING
YOU INTO THAT FANCY CLUB

WITH ALL THEM ELITE AND POLISHED
AND HIGH-CLASS GENTLEMEN.

[GENTLEMEN SHOUTING
AND POUNDING]

- EASY, FRIENDS! EASY! HEY!

GAD, THE LAST TIME I
SAW A SCENE LIKE THAT,

PAT O'BRIEN WAS
PLAYING THE WARDEN!

- CAN'T BLAME THEM!

THEY SHELLED OUT A
BIG CHUNK OF DOUGH

AT THE BEGINNING OF
THE TERM FOR MEALS!

AND ALL THEY HAD TO EAT
LAST WEEK WAS OATMEAL

AND PEANUT BUTTER.

- MR. PRESIDENT, FORGIVE
ME FOR ASKING A QUESTION,

BUT WHY IS OUR TREASURY
IN SUCH SAD SHAPE?

- THE WORD, I BELIEVE,
MR. VICE PRESIDENT, BABY,

IS MISMANAGEMENT.
- OH, DEAR.

- WELL, WE OSBORNES ARE
SIMPLY NOT ACCUSTOMED

TO DEALING WITH SUMS OF MONEY
OF LESS THAN SIX ZEROES AT THE END.

- OH, DEAR.
- BESIDES,

I HAD TO BUY US THAT NEW
STATION WAGON LAST MONTH.

- WHILE THE MEMBERS
WERE STARVING?

- GOOD HEAVENS, MAN!
WOULD YOU HAVE US BE SEEN

DRIVING TO THE POLO MATCHES
IN LAST YEAR'S STATION WAGON?

- LOOK, OSBORNE,

YOU HAD NO CHOICE.
- I CERTAINLY DID NOT!

- HAPPILY, THERE'S AN EASY
SOLUTION TO OUR PROBLEM.

- OH?
- CALL YOUR MOTHER

AND HAVE HER ADVANCE YOU
YOUR NEXT MONTH'S ALLOWANCE.

- THAT'S RATHER A
TOUCHY SUBJECT.

YOU SEE, I'VE ALREADY
TAKEN AN ADVANCE

ON A FEW MONTHS' ALLOWANCE.

- HOW MANY MONTHS?
- 134.

- I'M IN THE SAME BOAT.

- MUMSY SAYS IF I ASK FOR
MONEY ONE MORE TIME THIS TERM,

SHE'LL MAKE ME GET A
JOB, WHATEVER THAT IS.

- I WOULD SAY, WE'RE IN TROUBLE.

- I WOULD AGREE.

OH, WHERE, OH, WHERE
IS OUR GUARDIAN ANGEL?

- OH, HELLO, MY DEAR BOYS!

- I'LL KNOCK HIM OVER THE HEAD.
YOU GUYS GRAB THE GROCERIES.

- DOWN, MALCOLM, DOWN, I SAY.

- MR. GILLIS, WHAT
BRINGS YOU HERE?

- OH, NOTHING IN PARTICULAR.

I JUST HAPPENED TO BE
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

DELIVERING THESE
DELICIOUS, MOUTH-WATERING

GOURMET-TYPE GROCERIES

AND THOUGHT I'D DROP IN.

MMM, YUMMY!

- COME ON, MAN. ONE LITTLE
KNOCK, EVERYBODY EATS!

- BACK OFF, YOU APE.

SO, I WAS RIGHT, HUH?

YOU GUYS ARE REALLY SCRAPING
THE BOTTOM FOR GROCERIES.

- SO WE ARE SOMEWHAT
EMBARRASSED,

GASTRONOMICALLY SPEAKING.

WHAT CONCERN IS THAT OF YOURS?

- I AM GLAD YOU ASKED
ME, CHATSWORTH.

NOW HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE AN ORDER LIKE THIS

TO BE DELIVERED
HERE TO THE CLUB, SAY...

OH, TWICE A WEEK.

MMM, JUST LIKE
MOTHER USED TO BAKE.

- AIN'T YOU GOT NO SHAME, SIR?

INNOCENT BOYS ARE WASTING AWAY!

- OH, SO NUTRITIOUS TOO.

- LET US CEASE THIS
JOCKEYING FOR POSITION.

OUT WITH IT. WHAT'S YOUR GAME?

- I WILL SUPPLY YOU
BIRDS WITH ENOUGH FOOD

TO FEED THAT HOWLING
MOB IN THERE FOR ONE YEAR.

- WE'LL TAKE IT! WE'LL TAKE IT!

- IF YOU WILL AGREE TO
ONE LITTLE CONDITION.

- WE AGREE, WE AGREE!

- IT'S A VERY SIMPLE CONDITION.

JUST MAKE DOBIE A
MEMBER OF THE CLUB.

- THE ANSWER IS ALSO SIMPLE.

NO.
- NO?

ARE YOU OUT OF
YOUR MIND, YOU CREEP?

- MR. PRESIDENT,

MAY I ASK A QUESTION?
- YES.

- ARE YOU OUT OF
YOUR MIND, YOU CREEP?

- NOTHING PERSONAL
AGAINST DOBIE GILLIS.

THE PEASANT STOCK
HE SPRINGS FROM

IS HONEST, STURDY PEASANT STOCK,

BUT HE IS SIMPLY AND
INCONTROVERTIBLY NOT OUR TYPE.

- WHAT KIND OF TYPE'S THAT?
- HUNGRY!

LOOK, BUSTER, I'M
PLEADING WITH YOU

FROM THE BOTTOM OF
THEIR EMPTY STOMACHS!

- IT'S THE ONLY THING
THAT CAN SAVE THE CLUB

FROM COMPLETE COLLAPSE!

- WELL...

IF YOU ARE GOING
TO DILLY-DALLY...

PARDON ME, BUT WOULD ONE OF
YOU MIND HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN?

I DON'T WANT TO BUMP IT AND
BRUISE THE T-BONE STEAKS.

- CONGRATULATIONS, MR. GILLIS!

YOU HAVE JUST BECOME
THE PROUD FATHER

OF A 150-POUND BABY MEMBER
OF THE SILVER SPOON CLUB!

- JUST THINK! MY BOY DOBIE
A MEMBER OF A RITZY OUTFIT

LIKE THE SILVER SPOON CLUB!

YOU KNOW, IT MAKES
ME FEEL ALL WARM INSIDE

AND FULL OF LOVE
OF MY FELLOW MAN.

AND IF ONE WORD OF THIS
DEAL LEAKS OUT TO DOBIE,

I'LL CRIPPLE THE BUNCH OF YOU!

- DOBIE GILLIS, I
OUGHT TO CRIPPLE YOU!

DARING TO INVITE ME
TO THE FRESHMAN PROM

WHEN YOU'RE NOT A MEMBER
OF THE SILVER SPOON CLUB!

- AH, HOW YOUR EYES FLASH
WITH FIRE WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY,

MY GREAT TAWNY
BEAST! I LIKE THAT.

- BACK OFF, WALDO. NO
SILVER SPOON, NO DATE.

- MARIBEL, WHAT'S
THE DIFFERENCE?

I MEAN, I'M THE SAME FELLOW

WHETHER I BELONG
TO THE CLUB OR NOT.

- THAT'S ALL YOU KNOW ABOUT IT!

MEMBERS OF THE SILVER SPOON CLUB
ARE ALWAYS HANDSOMER AND WITTIER

AND CUTER AND TALLER.

- TALLER THAN WHAT?

- THAN THEY WERE BEFORE
THEY BECAME MEMBERS.

THEY HAVE TO. IT'S
IN THEIR BYLAWS.

THEY'RE ALL TALL BOYS.

- LOOK, MARIBEL.
THERE'S SOMETHING...

- NOW LOOK, NO OFFENSE, CHESTER.

- DOBIE.
- BUT IF I DATED YOU, AN OUT,

WHEN I COULD DATE A
SILVER SPOONER, AN IN,

MY SOCIAL LIFE WOULD TURN INTO
ONE BIG, DULL, DREARY DISASTER.

- YOU RANG?

- OH, HI, MAYNARD.

- LIKE HI, GOOD
BUDDY. LIKE HI, GIRL.

HEY, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HEAD?

- FOR YOUR INFORMATION,
DAPPER DAN, THIS IS A PONYTAIL.

- YEAH. I BET IT LOOKS ALMOST
AS GOOD AS IT DID ON THE PONY.

- ARRIVEDERCI, BARBARIANS!

- MARIBEL?

BARBARIANS.

AW, WHAT DOES SHE KNOW?
- LIKE NOTHING.

BARBARIANS ARE LIKE
CATS THAT SHAVE PEOPLE.

- AND WE NEVER TOUCHED
A BLADE TO SKIN IN OUR LIFE.

- WELL, YOU HAVEN'T ANYHOW.

- WELL, CHEER UP, GOOD
BUDDY. YOU ALWAYS GOT ME

AND THAT'S PLENTY
TO CHEER ABOUT.

- YEAH, MAYNARD.
- I MEAN, I'M MORE FUN

THAN SOME VACANT-HEADED CHICK.
- YEAH, MAYNARD.

- I MEAN, YOU'D RATHER HACK
AROUND WITH ME THAN SOME

FLIBBERTIGIBBET IN SKIRTS.
- YEAH, MAYNARD.

- AND YOU'RE FIBBING, AIN'T YA?
- YEAH, MAYNARD.

- GOOD THINKING. I
DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHY A CAT WOULD WANT TO
JOIN ONE OF THEM SNOOTY CLUBS.

ALL THEY DO IS RUN
AROUND AFTER CHICKS.

- MAYNARD?
- AH, STOP BEGGING.

I AIN'T JOINING.

PLEASE, NO TEARS.
MY HEAD'S MADE UP.

- MAYNARD, PLEASE!

DOGGONE IT! THAT GIRL HAS
NO RIGHT TO TREAT ME LIKE THAT

JUST BECAUSE I'M NOT A LAZY,
GOOD-FOR-NOTHING MEMBER

OF SOME SNOOTY CLUB!
- LIKE TRUE.

WITH YOUR BRAINS, YOU COULD
BE A LAZY, GOOD-FOR-NOTHING

WITHOUT BEING A MEMBER
OF NO SNOOTY CLUB.

AH, WHO NEEDS THEM
SHIFTLESS PLOWBOYS?

- MAYNARD, THAT'S PLAYBOYS.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE.

- HI-HO THERE, DOBIE DO.

- GET LOST, YOU
SHIFTLESS PLOWBOYS!

- MAYNARD, THAT'S PLAYBOYS!

OH, I MEAN, DON'T MIND MAYNARD.
HE DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

- SURE, I DID. I MEANT
THEY WERE LIKE...

- NEVER MIND!

- DOBIE DO, WE HAVE SOME
SMASHING NEWS FOR YOU,

AND FOR YOUR EARS ALONE.

- GO AHEAD, CHATS. YOUR
EARS ARE LIKE READY.

- IT'S ALL RIGHT, CHATSWORTH.

MAYNARD CAN KEEP A SECRET.

- GILLIS BABY, WE,
THE RULING ECHELON

OF THE SILVER SPOON
CLUB, FOUNDED IN 1908...

OUR MOTTO: SELF BEFORE
SERVICE, WHY BE COY?

HAVE DECIDED TO CONFER UPON YOU

THE HIGHEST HONOR POSSIBLE

TO ONE OF YOUR
SPECIES, UH, RANK:

ACCEPTANCE AS A MEMBER.

- ME?
- HIM?

- WE WELCOME YOU, GILLIS,
AS A FELLOW GENTLEMAN,

CONNOISSEUR AND BON VIVANT.

- ME? OH, COME NOW.

- HIM? OH, COME NOW.

- MAYNARD, YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE!

NO. NO, MAYNARD'S RIGHT.

WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME?

I'M NOT THE TYPE OF
FELLA YOU USUALLY TAKE

INTO THE SILVER SPOON CLUB.

JUST YESTERDAY, YOU
TURNED ME DOWN COLD.

I DON'T GET IT.
- IT'S OUR NEW POLICY.

IT'S CALLED, UH... [FINGERSNAP]

- DEMOCRACY.

- YES, DEMOCRACY. HOW QUAINT.

YOU SEE, CARRIED AWAY
BY THIS DEMOCRACY,

WE HAVE DECIDED TO REACH
OUT AND TAKE IN MEMBERS

FROM ALL WALKS OF LIFE.
- HEAR, HEAR!

- SO WE HAVE
DECIDED, GILLIS BABY,

THAT YOUR STALWART CHARACTER,

PEASANT BUT
PLEASANT PERSONALITY,

AND BOYISH CHARM

MAKE UP FOR YOUR LACK OF THE
MORE NEGOTIABLE ATTRIBUTES.

THEREFORE, WELCOME.

- GEE, FELLAS, I'M OVERWHELMED,
COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED.

- HEY, DOBE, AS SOON AS
YOU'RE OVER BEING WHELMED,

TELL THEM WHAT YOU SAID BEFORE

ABOUT THEIR SEEDY
OLD SILVER SPOON CLUB.

- MAYNARD...
- MAN, YOU SHOULD'VE HEARD HIM.

WHAT A GAS!
- MAYNARD...

- HEY, DOBE, WHAT WAS
THAT FOUR-BIT WORD?

OH, YEAH, GOOD-FOR... NOTHIN'.

- MAYNARD HAS A
COLORFUL IMAGINATION.

- WELL, YOU HAVE NO TIME
TO WASTE ON THE HOI POLLOI.

COME, WE MUST AWAY
TO THE CLUBHOUSE

FOR THE OFFICIAL SWEARING-IN.

- QUICKLY! THERE'S
NOT A MOMENT TO LOSE!

- HEY, HEY! HOLD ON.

CAN'T IT WAIT TILL TONIGHT?
- TILL TONIGHT?

- OF COURSE IT CAN WAIT,
MY COMPATRIOT TO BE.

WE ARE AT YOUR COMMAND.
- OH, GOOD.

I JUST WANNA GO TELL MY
DAD THE GOOD NEWS FIRST.

BOY, WILL HE BE SURPRISED. WOW.

- BOY, AM I SURPRISED! WOW!

- THEY'RE A REAL
HIGH-CLASS BUNCH, DAD.

CHATSWORTH OSBORNE,
JR. IS PRESIDENT

AND THE VICE PRESIDENT IS A
FELLA NAMED CRAWFORD OR...

- CRUICKSHANK.
- OH, CRUICKSHANK. THAT'S IT.

HE'S A VERY IMPORTANT...

DAD, HOW DID YOU KNOW?
- KNOW WHAT?

- CRUICKSHANK'S NAME.

- OH, YOU JUST TOLD ME.
- OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

WELL, ANYHOW, HIS
FAMILY'S A VERY IM...

- WELL, OF COURSE, THE MAIN
THING IS THAT YOU'RE HAPPY.

- OH, I SURE AM,
DAD, AWFUL HAPPY.

AND I'M GONNA MAKE
THESE FELLAS GLAD

THEY ACCEPTED ME AS A MEMBER.

- OH, THAT'S THE WAY TO TALK.

YOU JUST GET IN
THERE AND SHOW THEM

THAT THE GILLISES MAY
NOT HAVE BLUE BLOOD

SLOSHING AROUND INSIDE OF THEM,

BUT THEY ARE GENTLEMEN
AND COURTEOUS AND POLITE

AND YOU WILL CLOBBER THE FIRST
LOUDMOUTH THAT SAYS THEY AIN'T!

- DAD, I'LL CLOBBER THEM,
DAD, RIGHT IN THE LABANZA.

- AW, GOOD, GOOD BOY, SON.
- YEAH.

YEAH. I'LL BE EATING LUNCH
AT THE CLUB EVERY DAY

AND SOMETIMES DINNER TOO.

THEY SAY THE MEALS
ARE SENSATIONAL.

- YEAH, I HEARD
ABOUT THEM MEALS.

- IN THE CAR COMING OVER
HERE, CHATSWORTH TOLD ME

THEY'LL SERVE US STEAKS

OR FRESH LOBSTER OR
PHEASANT ANYTIME WE WANT.

HE SAID WHEN IT COMES TO
MEALS AT THE SILVER SPOON CLUB,

THE SKY'S THE LIMIT.
- THAT'S FINE.

- AND NEXT WEEK, THEY'RE
GONNA ORDER PIGEON.

- THEY ALREADY GOT ONE.

- WELL, DAD, THESE ARE GONNA
BE THE HAPPIEST YEARS OF MY LIFE.

- AT THESE PRICES, THEY SHOULD.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

- GET THAT, WILL YOU, SON?

- OH, SURE, DAD.

HELLO. GILLIS'S GROCERY?

- THIS IS CRUICKSHANK,
FROM THE SILVER SPOON CLUB,

I'M CALLING TO TELL YOU

THAT EVERYTHING HAS
BEEN TAKEN CARE OF

AND WHERE ARE OUR
GROCERIES? HA HA.

- WE LIVED UP TO OUR
PART OF THE BARGAIN.

YOUR SON HAS BEEN
ACCEPTED AS A MEMBER

AND HE'LL BE HERE
TONIGHT TO BE SWORN IN.

SO LET'S GET CRACKING ON
THAT DELIVERY, EH, WHAT?

- ON THE DOUBLE!
MALNUTRITION IS SETTING IN!

- GIVE ME THAT.

AND DON'T TRY TO PAWN OFF ANY
OF YOUR INFERIOR GRADES ON US,

O HONEST GROCER GILLIS!

I HAVE A NOSE FOR
QUALITY, YOU KNOW.

- SURE, SURE.

- WHO WAS THAT
ON THE PHONE, SON?

- UH, NOBODY, DAD.
- OH, WRONG NUMBER, HUH?

- YEAH, THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT IT WAS, DAD.

ALL WRONG.

SO THOSE PHONIES IN THE SILVER
SPOON CLUB WANTED TO PLAY ROUGH

AND PUSH MY FATHER AROUND.

OKAY, THEY'VE GOT
AWAY WITH IT SO FAR,

BUT NOW THEY'RE GONNA PAY.

BOY, ARE THEY GONNA PAY!

- PAY FOR IT? OF
COURSE, I PAID FOR IT

WITH THE LAST PENNY
OF THE OATMEAL

AND PEANUT BUTTER FUND.

BUT WITH MR. GILLIS
ABOUT TO SUPPLY

OUR CULINARY REQUIREMENTS,
WHO NEEDS MONEY?

GOOD HEAVENS, THIS
RECORD IS DUSTY!

SO'S THIS ONE!

- HE'S COMING UP THE WALK!

- OH, QUICKLY,
CRONEYS, MAKE READY!

- WE'LL SWEAR HIM IN THE INSTANT
HE CROSSES THE THRESHOLD!

- GIVE HIM THE SUPER
GALA RECEPTION,

ONE RESERVED GENERALLY
FOR VISITING ROYALTY,

FIVE-STAR GENERALS
AND MY MOTHER!

WELCOME, DOBIE DO,
TO THE HALLOWED HALLS

OF THE SILVER SPOON CLUB!

WE SHALL SWEAR YOU IN AT ONCE!
- WAIT!

♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪

♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪

♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪

♪ THAT NOBODY CAN DENY ♪
- HOLD IT! HOLD IT!

I'M NOT SURE I WANT
TO JOIN YOUR CLUB.

- NOT-NOT-NOT SURE
YOU WANT TO JOIN?

- NOT JOIN? HE'S
GOTTA BE KIDDING!

- OF COURSE, HE'S
KIDDING, AREN'T YOU?

AREN'T YOU?
- OF COURSE, HE IS!

ISN'T HE?

- HE ISN'T.
- HE ISN'T?

- YOU SEE, JOINING
THE SILVER SPOON CLUB

WOULD BE A WHOLE
NEW EXPERIENCE FOR ME.

I'M SCARED.

BUT MAYBE IF I HUNG
AROUND FOR A DAY OR SO FIRST

TO GET ACQUAINTED, YOU
KNOW, BEFORE I JOINED,

I'D FEEL BETTER ABOUT IT.

- HMM, THAT'S AN
UNUSUAL REQUEST,

BUT SINCE WE ARE SO KEEN
ON HAVING YOU WITH US,

REQUEST GRANTED.

- OH, GOOD, GOOD. YES,
AND ONE OTHER THING.

- WHAT'S THAT?
- I MUST HAVE COMPANY.

I COULDN'T POSSIBLY
GO THROUGH THIS

WITHOUT A FAMILIAR
FACE AT MY SIDE.

- YOU RANG? RAH RAH!

- MAYNARD, THESE
FELLAS ARE TALKING

ABOUT US JOINING THEIR
CLUB. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- I THINK WE OUGHT TO BE SPORTS
AND LET THEM SHOW US HOW MUCH

WE'RE GONNA, LIKE, LOVE IT HERE.
- All: OH!

- AND THUS BEGAN OUR CAREER
IN THE SILVER SPOON CLUB.

NO, ON SECOND THOUGHT,

I WOULDN'T SAY CAREER IS
EXACTLY THE RIGHT WORD.

WHAT WE DID TO THOSE
SNOOTY MEMBERS WAS,

WELL, THE CLOSEST THING TO IT

WAS THE ST. VALENTINE'S
DAY MASSACRE.

WE STARTED OUT KIND
OF SLOWLY AND THEN...

POW!

TELL ME, MAYNARD, MY GOOD MAN.

SO FAR, WHAT'S YOUR OPINION
OF LIFE IN THE SILVER SPOON CLUB?

- I THINK, OLD CRUMPET, THAT
IN LIKE TWO OR THREE YEARS,

I COULD MAYBE GET TO DIG IT.

HEY, GARÇON, MORE
POLISH ON THE LEFT SNEAKER

AND BE QUICKLY ABOUT IT!

- MAYNARD, IS YOUR BIOLOGY
HOMEWORK FINISHED?

- NOT YET.

- NOT YET? THAT'S DISGRACEFUL.

- WE'RE WORKING
AS FAST AS WE CAN!

- IT'S A WOEFULLY LONG
ASSIGNMENT, MAYNIE DO.

- YOU KNOW WHAT I'D
LIKE NOW, MAYNARD?

- WHAT, GOOD BUDDY?
- SOMEBODY TO SING US

SOME GOOD
OLD-FASHIONED CAMP SONGS.

- YEAH, GOOD THINKING. CHATSY?

- NOW, SEE HERE.

I DO NOT HAVE TO
PUT UP WITH THIS!

[PITCH PIPE NOTE]

♪ YES, WE'LL RALLY
ROUND THE FLAG, BOYS ♪

♪ RALLY ONCE AGAIN ♪

♪ NOW SING THE BATTLE
CRY OF FREEDOM! ♪

- HEY, KREBSY, LOOK!

EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO
MAKE YOU COMFORTABLE!

- IT'S JUST LIKE MY VERY
OWN ROOM AT HOME!

OH, THE FELLAS CRIED A LITTLE

WHEN THEY BROUGHT
ALL THIS STUFF IN,

BUT THEY'LL GET OVER
IT IN A COUPLE OF YEARS.

OOH, LOOK, LOOK!

THEY BROUGHT ME MY
BONGOS... [DRUMBEATS]

AND MY BOX OF EXCELSIOR

AND MY PETRIFIED FROG

AND MY GUITAR AND EDMUND.

OH, EDMUND.

OH, IT'S EVEN BETTER
AND MESSIER THAN HOME!

- THERE WAS ONLY ONE THING
WRONG, BUT WE TOOK CARE OF THAT.

- YEAH, I DIDN'T FEEL
RIGHT BEING THE ONLY ONE

WEARING ORDINARY NORMAL CLOTHES

WHILE ALL THEM SILVER
SPOON CATS WERE DUDED UP.

SO I FIGURED OUT
SOMETHING REAL SHREWD.

- LIKE WHAT?
- LIKE OBSERVE.

- GAD, IF MY TAILOR EVER
FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS,

HE'D SWALLOW A MOUTHFUL OF PINS!

- MY FEET HURT.

- YEAH, MINE TOO.

- I'D BETTER DO A
LITTLE STUDYING.

MY HISTORY BOOK?

- YEAH, ME TOO.

MY COMIC BOOKS?

- HEY, MAYNARD,
THE SUN'S IN MY EYES.

- YEAH, MINE TOO.

KINDA THIRSTY.

- YEAH.

ICE.

ICE AND BE QUICK ABOUT IT.

- GREETINGS, FELLOW MEMBERS.

HOW GOES THE BATTLE?

- HI, CHATSWORTH.
HELLO, MY DEAR.

- BRENDA DEAR, MAY I
PRESENT DOBIE GILLIS,

A SOON-TO-BE FELLOW MEMBER
OF THE SILVER SPOON CLUB?

- WHATEVER YOU SAY,
CHATSWORTH, DARLING.

- DOBIE, THIS IS BRENDA LaBELLE.

- WHATEVER YOU SAY,
CHATSWORTH, DARLING.

- HELLO.

- BRENDA IS QUEEN OF
THE FRESHMAN CLASS.

- AND OF ALL ELSE
SHE SURVEYS, I'M SURE.

- GILLIS BABY, WHEN ARE YOU
GOING TO MAKE THE ANNOUNCEMENT

THAT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR?

- TONIGHT, CHATSWORTH.
I'VE STALLED LONG ENOUGH.

- MARVELOUS, MARVELOUS!

IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN
DO FOR YOU RIGHT NOW?

- WELL, UH, NOW
THAT YOU MENTION IT...

- WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
WHAT? WHAT IS IT YOU WANT?

- UH, HER.
- HER?

- I'M GLAD YOU'RE BEING SO
DECENT ABOUT IT, CHATSWORTH.

AND I'LL TAKE THE
CONVERTIBLE TOO.

- WAIT! OH, FOR...
- COME, MY DEAR.

I'LL TAKE YOU TO A
LITTLE PLACE I KNOW

WHERE THEY TOSS FLAPJACKS
FAR, FAR INTO THE NIGHT.

- WHATEVER YOU
SAY, DOBIE, DARLING.

- BRENDA, DEAR?

OH, MICE AND RATS!

- WELL, THIS IS THE NIGHT OF
THE KILLING, HUH, MAYNARD?

BOY, WILL WE MAKE THOSE PHONIES
CRAWL BEFORE WE TELL THEM OFF.

- LIKE RIGHT.

- HEY, YOU'RE REALLY
DRESSED UP FOR THE OCCASION.

THAT'S A GOOD-LOOKING SUIT.

- YEAH. I RENTED
IT FROM MY FATHER.

ONLY A BUCK AND A HALF.
- REALLY?

YOU MEAN, YOU HAVE
TO PAY YOUR FATHER

WHEN YOU WEAR ONE OF HIS SUITS?

- DOESN'T EVERYBODY?

- MAYNARD, THAT'S RIDICULOUS!

- BUCK AND A HALF'S
TOO CHEAP, HUH?

- I MEAN, HE HAS NO RIGHT

TO CHARGE YOU FOR
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

- OH, IT'S OKAY, DOBE. I
CHARGE HIM A BUCK AND A HALF

IF I STAY OUT OF THE HOUSE
WHEN WE HAVE COMPANY.

IT LIKE BALANCES OUT.

- SOUNDS FAIR ENOUGH.

OH, THEY'RE COMING
IN FOR THE MEETING

AND MY BIG ANNOUNCEMENT.

NOW LISTEN, I FIGURE
WE'LL START OFF

BY MAKING CHATSWORTH SING
AGAIN. THAT REALLY BUGS HIM.

AND THEN WE'LL MAKE ALL
THE MEMBERS STAND UP AND...

- DOBE? DO WE, LIKE, HAVE TO?

- OF COURSE WE, LIKE, HAVE TO.
IT'S WHAT WE'VE BEEN AIMING AT.

WE'RE MAKING THEM SUFFER

FOR THE MISERABLE
WAY THEY'VE BEEN ACTING.

- YEAH, ON ACCOUNT
OF THEY'RE MEAN.

- RIGHT.
- AND ROTTEN.

- YOU BET.
- AND HATEFUL.

- THEY SURE ARE!
- AND TO GET EVEN

WITH THEM MEAN AND
ROTTEN AND HATEFUL FELLAS,

WE GOTTA ACT...

- THE ONLY POSSIBLE
WAY. JUST AS MEAN...

- LIKE TRUE?
- AND ROTTEN...

- LIKE TRUE?
- AND...

YEAH, KINDA SEE WHAT
YOU MEAN, MAYNARD.

YOU COULD BE RIGHT.

- AH, DOBIE DO, THERE YOU
ARE. WE'RE READY FOR YOU NOW.

ENTER, DEAR BOY, ENTER.

WE'VE BEEN WAITING ANXIOUSLY.
- [APPLAUDING]

- ORDER. WHAT CAN I SAY?

PLEASE BE SEATED.

FELLOW SILVER SPOONERS...

TONIGHT IS A NIGHT THAT I
FEEL WE SHALL REMEMBER,

AND, IF I MAY BE FORGIVEN
FOR MY UNQUESTIONED GIFT

FOR UNDERSTATEMENT, FOREVER.

PLEASE, PLEASE, NO
EMOTIONAL OUTBURSTS.

BUT I SHALL ALLOW
THE FATEFUL WORDS

TO BE SPOKEN BY
THE MAN OF THE HOUR,

YOUR FRIEND AND MINE,
OUR SOON-TO-BE, WE TRUST,

HONORED FELLOW
MEMBER, MR. DOBIE GILLIS!

- MEMBERS OF THE
SILVER SPOON CLUB...

I ADDRESS YOU AS MEMBERS
OF THE SILVER SPOON CLUB,

BUT I'VE GOT A MUCH
BETTER NAME FOR YOU.

YOU'RE A BUNCH OF
LOWDOWN, MISERABLE SNOBS!

- [MUTTERINGS]
- NO OFFENSE!

- I MEAN PLENTY OF OFFENSE!

YEAH, I KNOW WHAT'S
BEEN GOING ON.

I KNOW ALL ABOUT THE DEAL
YOU MADE WITH MY FATHER.

I KNOW ABOUT THE
WAY YOU'VE TRIED

TO MANIPULATE INNOCENT PEOPLE

JUST TO GAIN YOUR
OWN SELFISH ENDS.

- HEY, I JUST BROUGHT
THE... GOODBYE.

- DAD? DAD! COME BACK!

DAD, THERE'S NO
USE RUNNING AWAY.

IT'S NOT A SECRET ANYMORE.

- NO, YOU NO GOOD,
BLUE-BLOODED STOOL PIGEON!

- CHATSWORTH
DIDN'T TELL ME, DAD.

I FOUND OUT MYSELF.

- WELL, HE'S A STOOL PIGEON
ON GENERAL PRINCIPLES.

- LOOK, DAD, DON'T BLAME
CHATSWORTH OR THESE OTHER FELLAS

IN THE SILVER SPOON CLUB.

YOU'RE JUST AS
GUILTY AS THEY ARE.

YOU PUT THEM IN A SPOT

WHERE THEY COULDN'T
TURN DOWN YOUR OFFER.

- BUT, DOBE, ALL I
WAS TRYING TO DO...

- YOU ONLY DID IT TO
HELP ME, I KNOW, I KNOW.

AND THAT'S WHY THE REAL
GUILTY PARTY ISN'T YOU, DAD,

FOR PUTTING
TEMPTATION IN THEIR PATH

OR YOU, CHATSWORTH,
FOR GRABBING IT.

NO, THE REAL GUILTY PARTY IS ME.

I WANTED SO MUCH TO
BE A MEMBER OF THIS CLUB

THAT I NAGGED MY FATHER

INTO DOING SOMETHING
HE SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE

AND YOU FELLAS IN
THE SILVER SPOON CLUB

JUST WENT ALONG WITH IT.

- ON BEHALF OF THE MEMBERSHIP

AND IN SPITE OF RIGOROUS
TRAINING TO THE CONTRARY,

I APOLOGIZE.

- NO, I OWE YOU AN
APOLOGY, CHATSWORTH,

FOR KICKING YOU
WHEN I HAD YOU DOWN.

I GUESS I WAS AWFUL
HARD ON YOU GUYS.

- HEY, DOBE, YOU'RE
KIND OF A RAT, AIN'T YA?

- YOU TOO, MAYNARD, NO OFFENSE.

- NO OFFENSE.

- WELL, LET'S HOPE WE'VE
LEARNED SOMETHING,

ALL OF US.

COME ON, DAD, MAYNARD, LET'S
GO HOME WHERE WE BELONG.

- YEAH, WE'LL GO OUT
THROUGH THE KITCHEN

SO I CAN PICK UP THE GROCERIES.

- GEE, IT'S GREAT TO BE HOME
AGAIN, DAD, WHERE I BELONG.

- WELL, IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU

AND BETTER TO KNOW
THAT YOU'RE NOT MAD AT ME

FOR THAT HARE-BRAINED
STUNT I TRIED TO PULL.

- HOW COULD I BE
MAD? YOU ONLY DID IT

BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT
IT WAS WHAT I WANTED.

- YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU
CONSIDER HOW SMART I AM,

IT'S AMAZING SOME OF
THE DUMB THINGS I DO.

- LIKE TRUE.

- DON'T AGREE SO FAST.

- HELLO, DOBIE. MR. GILLIS.

- WHAT DO YOU FELLAS WANT?
- YEAH. WILL YOU GET OUTTA HERE?

ONCE AROUND WITH
YOU GUYS IS ENOUGH!

- DOBIE, I DON'T QUITE
KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS,

BUT, WELL, WE STILL WANT YOU
TO JOIN THE SILVER SPOON CLUB.

- THE MEMBERSHIP VOTED
FOR YOU UNANIMOUSLY.

- OH? WHAT DO YOU WANT
THIS TIME, MY FATHER'S TRUCK?

- NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WE'RE FRIGHTFULLY SORRY
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED.

WE WANT YOU AS A MEMBER
WITH NO STRINGS ATTACHED.

- YOU'RE KIDDING.
- AN OSBORNE NEVER KIDS

IN THE PRESENCE OF TRADESPEOPLE.

NO OFFENSE, MR. GILLIS.

- WELL, IN THAT CASE, WHY
NOT, BROTHER SILVER SPOONER?

- THERE'S A GOOD FELLOW!

- WELCOME, BROTHER GILLIS!

- OH, WAIT A MINUTE.

HOW ABOUT BROTHER KREBS?

- OH, SURELY YOU JEST!

- THAT'S THE PACKAGE,
BOTH OR NEITHER.

- WELCOME, BROTHER KREBS.
- OH, GOOD.

- WELL, I HOPE YOU'LL ALL
BE VERY HAPPY TOGETHER.

INCIDENTALLY, I'M NOT GONNA
GIVE YOU ANY GROCERIES.

HOWEVER, IF YOU
CARE TO BUY SOME,

I'M SURE WE CAN FIGURE OUT

A BUSINESS ARRANGEMENT.
- EGAD!

ONLY MY SPLENDID BREEDING
PREVENTS ME FROM SNEERING ALOUD

AT SUCH A SUGGESTION!

- HUH?

- ONCE WE HAVE MONEY
TO BUY GROCERIES AGAIN,

WE CERTAINLY WON'T COME HERE!

TA-TA.