The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 3, Episode 34 - Bachelor Father... and Son - full transcript
Although they love Winnie, both Herbert and Dobie feel she controls their lives and doesn't let them have any fun. Herbert in particular wants to hang out with his lodge buddies, and Dobie wants to chase the new object of his affection, Betty Sue Fosdick. They get their wish for some free time from her when she accepts an invitation to visit her sister in Cleveland for two weeks. Herbert and Dobie end up doing their version of housekeeping, which is just fine with them. But life without Winnie also means life with Mrs. Finchley, their strict next door neighbor who promised to look out for the boys in Winnie's absence, and house guest Maynard, who they allow to stay to keep Mrs. Finchley at bay.
- LIKE, HI, DOBE.
- OH, HI, MAYNARD.
- ANYBODY BEEN
AROUND LOOKING FOR ME?
- NO, MAYNARD.
- YOU SURE?
- I'M POSITIVE.
- YOU'RE POSITIVELY SURE?
- ALL RIGHT, MAYNARD.
SOMEBODY WAS HERE
LOOKING FOR YOU.
HE WAS ABOUT 11 FEET TALL,
COMPLETELY PURPLE WITH A
PROPELLER ON BOTH HEADS.
- DID HE LEAVE A MESSAGE?
- MAYNARD,
I'VE NO TIME FOR YOUR
SPARKLING CONVERSATION!
I'VE TONS OF WORK TO...
TO DO AND EVERY
OUNCE OF IT CAN WAIT.
HELLO, MY DEAR.
I'M DOBIE GILLIS
AND I AM AT YOUR COMMAND
FOREVER, HEART, BODY AND SOUL.
- I'M BETTY SUE FOSDICK.
MAY I HAVE THIS LOAF
OF BREAD, PLEASE?
- AH, YES, I SUPPOSE
EVEN AN ANGEL MUST EAT.
- HOW CHARMING YOU ARE.
- HOW LOVELY YOU ARE.
- HOW SICK I ARE.
- ALLOW ME TO CARRY
THIS PACKAGE TO YOUR CAR,
MY GREAT TAWNY ANIMAL.
OR BETTER STILL, DIRECTLY
TO YOUR HOME AND HEARTH.
MAYNARD, WATCH THE
STORE AND DON'T GOOF.
MOM, YOU'RE TEARING ME AWAY
FROM THE ONLY GIRL I'LL EVER LOVE!
- LOVE HER ON YOUR OWN TIME,
NOT WHEN YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING.
- DON'T YOU WANT ME TO
GET SOME FUN OUT OF LIFE?
- DOBIE DEAR, YOU MUST
THINK THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME
JUST THINKING UP SCHEMES
TO MAKE YOUR LIFE MISERABLE.
- WHAT ARE MOTHERS FOR?
- MAYNARD, NEVER MIND.
- SON? I'M GONNA RUN
OVER TO THE LODGE
AND SEE IF THE BOYS OVER
THERE HAVE GOT A PINOCHLE...
HELLO, WINNIE. YOU'RE
LOOKING LOVELY TODAY.
- HERBERT, DO YOU THINK
IT'S NICE TO PLAY CARDS
WITH THOSE LOAFERS AT THE
LODGE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY
WHEN YOU SHOULD BE WORKING?
- OH, I WASN'T REALLY
GOING OVER TO THE LODGE.
I WAS JUST MAKING A LITTLE JOKE.
- HERBERT, YOU'RE LYING.
- WINNIE, I'M LYING.
- OF COURSE. NOW GET TO WORK.
WHEN, OH, WHEN WILL YOU BOTH
LEARN TO DO THINGS PROPERLY
THE WAY I TELL YOU?
- SON, YOUR MOTHER IS
A WONDERFUL WOMAN.
- SHE'S A GEM.
- SHE IS ONE IN A MILLION.
- SHE'S A PRINCESS.
- SHE'S A WARDEN.
- TRUE.
- OH, BOY,
I WONDER WHAT IT WOULD BE
LIKE TO SPEND A COUPLE WEEKS
WITH NO "NOW, HERBERT, DO
THIS, NOW, HERBERT, DON'T DO THAT,
"NOW, HERBERT, STOP HANGING
AROUND WITH THEM LOAFERS
DOWN AT THE LODGE."
- BOY, THAT'D BE
GREAT, WOULDN'T IT?
DO WHATEVER WE WANT,
WHENEVER WE WANNA DO IT.
BOY, WHAT A LIFE.
- OH, BOY, WHAT A DREAM.
- DOBIE! HERBERT! I GOT
A LETTER FROM MY SISTER!
SHE WANTS ME TO
COME TO CLEVELAND
AND SPEND A COUPLE
OF WEEKS WITH HER!
DO YOU THINK I OUGHT TO GO?
[JAZZ THEME]
- THIS IS MY MOTHER,
MRS. WINIFRED GILLIS.
SHE'S ONE OF NATURE'S NOBLEMEN.
SINCE THE DAY I WAS BORN,
THROUGH THE DIFFICULT YEARS
OF INFANCY AND CHILDHOOD
AND ADOLESCENCE, SHE'S BEEN...
WELL, LIKE A MOTHER TO ME.
SO WHEN WE SAW
THAT SHE WAS SERIOUS
ABOUT GOING AWAY TO
CLEVELAND FOR TWO WEEKS,
YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW WE FELT.
- TWO WEEKS? WHOO,
WHY NOT MAKE IT THREE?
- SOMEHOW I HAVE THE
FEELING THAT YOU'RE HAPPY
THAT I'M GOING AWAY.
- WHO, ME?
- YES, HERBERT.
- YES, HERBERT.
- MAYNARD, YOU KEEP QUIET.
- MOM, THE ONLY REASON
WE WANT YOU TO GO AWAY
IS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU AND
WE WANT YOU TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.
- SURE, SEE? AND THE
LONGER YOU STAY AWAY,
THE MORE WE'LL LOVE YOU, SO
STAY AWAY A GOOD LONG TIME.
- HERBERT!
- OH, THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.
- MOM, DAD ONLY MEANS
THAT WE LOVE YOU THE SAME
WHETHER YOU'RE HERE
OR SOMEPLACE FAR AWAY.
- TRUE.
- SO WHY NOT MAKE
IT EASY ON EVERYBODY
BY GOING SOMEPLACE FAR AWAY?
- DOBIE!
- I ONLY MEANT THAT...
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT, DEAR. I
THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
- YOU DO?
- I DO.
BUT I CAN'T GO AWAY AND LEAVE
YOU TWO BOYS HERE ALONE.
I MEAN, DAY AND
NIGHT, I'D BE WORRYING.
NO, I CAN'T FACE
IT! I'M NOT GOING!
- WINNIE! WHAT'S TO
WORRY? WHY, WE'LL BE FINE!
- MOM, WE CAN COOK AND TAKE
CARE OF THE HOUSE JUST GREAT.
- WHY, WE'LL KEEP EVERYTHING
IN SHIPSHAPE SHAPE.
- WELL...
- WE'LL MANAGE BEAUTIFULLY
WITHOUT YOU.
- WELL...
- THEY'LL PROBABLY
BURN THE HOUSE DOWN.
- THAT'S WHAT I'M
AFRAID OF! I'M NOT GOING!
- MOM, PLEASE, PLEASE!
- COME ON! HONEY,
LISTEN TO REASON.
WE WILL RUN
EVERYTHING JUST FINE!
- YEAH, BUT NOT TOO FINE.
- NO, NOT TOO FINE,
JUST FINE ENOUGH
AND, MAYNARD, YOU KEEP QUIET.
- WELL, I DO WANT
TO SEE MY SISTER.
BUT YOU PROMISE THAT YOU'RE
NOT TRYING TO GET RID OF ME!
- ME? WINNIE, WHY,
SUCH A THOUGHT
NEVER ONCE ENTERED INTO MY HEAD!
- YOUR HEAD? OH, COME NOW.
- NOW LOOK, WE'D BETTER
GET DOWN TO THE DEPOT.
WE DON'T WANT YOU
TO MISS YOUR TRAIN.
- THE TRAIN DON'T
LEAVE FOR 4 1/2 HOURS.
- IT DON'T PAY TO TAKE CHANCES
AND, MAYNARD, YOU BUTT OUT.
- WELL, ALL RIGHT, HERBERT.
IT'S AGAINST MY BETTER
JUDGMENT, BUT I'M GOING.
- DON'T YOU WORRY
ABOUT A THING, MOM.
WE'LL KEEP THIS PLACE
IN PERFECT SHAPE.
- YOU CERTAINLY WILL.
I'VE ASKED MRS. FINCHLEY
FROM NEXT DOOR
TO LOOK IN EVERY DAY
AND KEEP AN EYE ON YOU.
- MRS. FINCHLEY?
- OLD IRONSIDES?
- MRS. FINCHLEY IS A
FINE, EFFICIENT WOMAN.
- MRS. FINCHLEY IS A
FINE, EFFICIENT NUT!
- SHE'LL FIT IN GOOD HERE.
[MUTTERING]
- WHAT ARE YOU BOYS DOING?
- PRACTICING THE
LODGE HANDSHAKE.
- OH, NOT THEY WASN'T!
THEY WERE CELEBRATING.
- MAYNARD!
- CHEATERS NEVER PROSPECT.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S
PROSPER, AND NEVER MIND!
WE'VE GOT TO GET MOM
TO THE TRAIN ON TIME.
- YES, YES! COME ON, HONEY.
IT'S 3 1/2 BLOCKS TO THE DEPOT
AND WE'VE ONLY GOT
FOUR HOURS TO MAKE IT!
- NEED I TELL YOU THAT MOM
HAD ABSOLUTELY NO REASON
TO WORRY ABOUT DAD AND ME?
ONCE SHE WAS GONE,
WE WERE AS NEAT AS PINS,
AS CLEAN AS WHISTLES,
AS EFFICIENT AS ROBOTS.
TAKE, FOR EXAMPLE, HOW
WE HANDLED THE DISHES.
ON THAT, WITH ALL DUE MODESTY,
I'VE GOT TO GIVE US AN A-PLUS.
DID WE TOSS THE DISHES
AROUND CARELESSLY?
NO, SIR.
AFTER WE WERE THROUGH EATING,
WE STACKED THEM
VERY, VERY NEATLY.
WONDERFUL MEAL, DAD.
- OH, YOU BET IT WAS.
TOMORROW WE'RE GONNA
HAVE CORN ON THE COB
OR DID WE HAVE CORN YESTERDAY?
LET'S SEE.
NO, THAT WAS TWO DAYS AGO.
- THIS IS THE LIFE, HUH, DAD?
- OH, IT SURE IS.
- HOW ABOUT CLEANLINESS?
WELL, EVEN IF I SAY
SO MYSELF, AND I DO,
WE RATE ANOTHER TOP GRADE.
I MEAN, THE WAY WE
TOOK CARE OF THAT HOUSE,
THERE WASN'T A SINGLE SPECK
OF DUST ANYWHERE IN SIGHT.
UH, WHERE WILL I PUT IT, DAD.
- OH, I GOT JUST
THE PLACE FOR THAT.
AND YOUR MOTHER THOUGHT WE
COULDN'T KEEP THIS PLACE CLEAN.
PRETTY GOOD IDEA, HUH?
- UH-HUH. IT'S OKAY FOR NOW,
BUT WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN
WHEN SHE FINDS ALL THIS DUST?
- I SAID IT WAS A PRETTY
GOOD IDEA, NOT PERFECT.
- NEATNESS? RIGHT,
ANOTHER A-PLUS.
YOU MIGHT FIGURE WE WOULDN'T
BOTHER ABOUT MINOR ITEMS,
YOU KNOW, MAKING
BEDS AND LIKE THAT.
BUT NOT US, NO, SIR.
EVERY MORNING BRIGHT AND EARLY,
OUR BEDS WERE PUT
INTO TIP-TOP SHAPE.
- READY, DAD?
- READY, SON.
OH, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
- YEAH, GORGEOUS. MOM
WOULD BE PROUD OF US.
- YEAH, AND SHE THOUGHT WE
WERE GONNA TURN THIS PLACE
INTO A RUNDOWN, BEAT-UP,
BROKEN-DOWN MESS!
- YOU RANG?
- OH, HI, MAYNARD.
- LIKE, HI, MR. G.
LIKE, HI, DOBE G.
HEY, WHAT YOU GOT
HIDDEN UNDER THERE?
- NOTHING, MAYNARD.
- SURE YOU HAVE.
IT'S A DEAD BODY. I
SEEN THE WHOLE THING
ON THE LATE, LATE
MOVIE ON TELEVISION!
YOU'RE GONNA PUT IT IN CEMENT
AND TAKE IT TO THE RIVER AND...
- MAYNARD? MAYNARD, WHAT IS IT?
- I SCARED MYSELF.
- NOW YOU KNOW HOW WE FEEL
WHEN YOU SHOW UP, NO OFFENSE.
SON, I GOT A FEW OF
THE LODGE BROTHERS
COMING OVER THIS EVENING
FOR A LITTLE PINOCHLE, OKAY?
- SURE, DAD, AND I'VE GOT A
DATE WITH BETTY SUE FOSDICK,
SO I'LL PROBABLY BE GETTING
HOME KIND OF LATE, OKAY?
- SURE.
YOU GO YOUR WAY, I'LL GO MINE.
THAT'S THE WAY
US BACHELORS LIVE,
FREE AND EASY!
NO NAGGING, NO BACKTALK.
- YEAH.
BOY, OH, BOY, THIS
IS THE LIFE, HUH, DAD?
- OH, IT SURE IS.
- AND I SURE DO LOVE THAT
ROUGH, MANLY SENSE OF HUMOR!
- OH, MAYNARD, GET LOST!
- SOME MORE ROUGH,
MANLY HUMOR, MR. G.!
OH, US ROUGH, MANLY MEN
SURE GOT A ROUGH,
MANLY SENSE OF HUMOR.
HEY, WOULDN'T IT BE THE GREATEST
IF ANOTHER ROUGH,
MANLY MAN, NAMELY ME,
MOVED IN WITH SOME OTHER
ROUGH, MANLY MEN, NAMELY YOU?
I MEAN, WE'D BE LIKE
THE FOUR MUSKETEERS.
- MOVE IN HERE? YOU, MAYNARD?
- YOU, MAYNARD?
- ME, MAYNARD.
- NO, MAYNARD.
- I'D BE SWEET AS SUGAR.
- THE NEXT TIME I HEAR FROM YOU,
I WANT IT TO BE BY AIRMAIL!
- AHA!
- OH, MRS. FINCHLEY.
- WINNIE WARNED ME THIS HOUSE
WOULD LOOK LIKE A DISASTER AREA.
- WE DIDN'T WANNA LET YOU DOWN.
- HELLO, MRS. FINCHLEY.
- I SAID I'D KEEP AN
EYE ON YOU TWO.
LOOKS LIKE I GOT HERE
JUST TWO STEPS AHEAD
OF THE WRECKING CREW!
FIRST OF ALL, WE'RE
GONNA CLEAN THIS ROOM
FROM TOP TO BOTTOM NOW!
- I CAN'T, MRS. FINCHLEY.
I'VE GOT A DATE.
- YES, AND I GOTTA GET
OVER TO THE LODGE HALL.
- YOU WANNA BET? START CLEANING!
- LOOK, MRS. FINCHLEY...
- QUIET, BUSTER,
AND GET TO WORK!
- WORK?
[SCREAMS]
- GOOD HEAVENS! WHAT'S THIS?
- HOW DO, MRS. FINCHLEY.
I'M MAYNARD G. KREBS.
- WELL, DON'T BOTHER
ME WITH YOUR PROBLEMS!
YOU'RE NOT LIVING HERE, ARE YOU?
- ME, YOUR WORSHIP?
- BECAUSE IF YOU ARE,
I'M BACKING OUT OF
MY PROMISE TO WINNIE!
I SAID I'D LOOK AFTER HER
HUSBAND AND HER SON,
BUT NOT THE NEIGHBORHOOD
FLOTSAM AND JETSAM!
- NO, YOUR DICTATORSHIP.
- DEAR BOY, LET ME
TELL HER THE STORY.
MAYNARD HERE HAS
BEEN LIVING WITH US
EVER SINCE MRS. GILLIS LEFT TOWN
AND HE'S GOING TO
KEEP ON LIVING HERE.
- OH. WELL, THAT
CHANGES EVERYTHING!
- I THOUGHT IT WOULD.
- FRIENDSHIP IS ALL
RIGHT IN ITS PLACE,
BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS!
- MR. G., YOU WANT
ME TO LIVE HERE?
OH, FOR JOY, FOR JOY!
- WELL, IT AIN'T EXACTLY
MY IDEA OF HEAVEN,
BUT YOU'RE BETTER THAN
THAT OLD BATTLE AXE.
- AND CUTER TOO.
- OH, ON SECOND THOUGHT,
THIS MAY BE THE BIGGEST
MISTAKE OF THE AGE.
- OH, NO, MR. G. I WON'T
BE NO TROUBLE AT ALL.
IN FACT, YOU WON'T EVEN
HARDLY KNOW I'M HERE.
- MAYNARD?
MAYNARD?
MAYNARD!
CEASE, DESIST, QUIET!
- MR. G., DON'T YOU DIG MUSIC?
YOU OUGHT TO GET WITH IT.
- I OUGHT TO GET EXAMINED,
THAT'S WHAT I OUGHT,
LETTING YOU MOVE IN
HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
- YOU'RE ALL HEART, SIR.
- LOOK, IF YOU ARE
GOING TO LIVE HERE,
AND I AM AFRAID YOU ARE,
COULDN'T YOU DO SOMETHING
TO MAKE YOURSELF A
LITTLE USEFUL AROUND HERE?
- YES, SIR, YOUR GROCERSHIP,
YES, SIR, YES, SIR, YES, SIR.
- I, UH, KNOW I'M GOING
TO REGRET THIS QUESTION,
BUT, MAYNARD, WHY ARE YOU
KEEPING THE CARROT TOPS?
- FOR MY RABBITS, FLOPSY,
MOPSY AND COTTONTAIL.
THEY'RE MOVING IN TOMORROW.
OH, YOU'LL LOVE THEM, MR. G.
I MEAN, THEY'RE ALL FURRY
AND SOFT AND CUDDLY
AND THEIR NOSES GO...
ALL THE TIME.
- IF YOU'RE RABBITS ARE
MOVING IN TOMORROW,
YOU ARE MOVING OUT TONIGHT.
- I'LL BUY THAT. AND
YOU WIN, NO RABBITS.
MY FATHER WOULDN'T
LET ME KEEP THEM EITHER.
I MEAN, EVERY TIME I BRING THEM
IN THE HOUSE TO PLAY DOMINOES,
HE CRIES.
MR. G, YOU'RE LOOKING AT A
VERY MISERABLE CREATURE.
- SON, YOU'RE LOOKING
AT A VERY HAPPY GROCER!
- DAD, YOU ARE LOOKING AT
A VERY HAPPY GROCER'S SON!
- AH, FREEDOM.
GREATEST INVENTION
SINCE EASY CREDIT.
I'M GONNA RUN OVER TO THE LODGE
AND SIT IN ON A LITTLE
CIVIC BETTERMENT MEETING.
- YEAH, PINOCHLE?
- PINOCHLE.
- I'M GONNA STAY HERE
AND TAKE CARE OF SOME
UNFINISHED BUSINESS.
- A GIRL?
- A GIRL.
[LAUGH]
- OH, ISN'T THAT MARVELOUS?
ME OVER AT THE LODGE,
YOU IN THE STORE,
YET WE BOTH GOT... FREEDOM!
- FREEDOM!
YEAH, DAD.
- SEE YOU LATER.
- SEE YOU LATER, DAD.
- HI, DOBIE.
- AH, BETTY SUE, MY TIGER.
HOW SWEET, YET
HOW TYPICAL OF YOU,
TO DROP IN TO SEE
ME WHILE I WORK.
- I'M HAPPY TO DO IT, DOBIE.
I'VE LOOKED ALL MY
LIFE FOR A BOY LIKE YOU,
FINE, HARDWORKING,
TRUSTWORTHY, LOYAL.
- OH, I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.
- I WOULD.
- I WOULDN'T.
- OH, HELLO, MAYNARD.
GOODBYE, MAYNARD.
- DOBE, I WANT YOU AND MR. G.
TO KNOW THAT I'M TRYING TO BE
A HELPFUL MEMBER OF THE FAMILY.
SO I TOOK DOWN ALL THE PHONE
CALLS THAT CAME IN TODAY.
- OH, FINE, MAYNARD,
FINE. NOW WHERE WERE...
OH, YES. I WAS
TRUSTWORTHY AND LOYAL.
- MONICA MONIHAN
SAYS TO CALL HER
AS SOON AS YOU DUMP THE
SNOOTY CREEP YOU'VE BEEN CHASING.
NO OFFENSE, YOU SNOOTY CREEP.
- WELL!
- MAYNARD, WILL YOU
PLEASE GO OUTSIDE?
- DON'T BOTHER
THANKING ME NOW, DOBE.
I GOT A LOT MORE, AND
THEY EVEN GET BETTER.
GRETCHEN TRONDHEIM PHONED
WILL YOU PLEASE SEND BACK
THE $3 YOU BORROWED FROM HER
AND SHE HOPES
YOUR NEXT GIRLFRIEND
DON'T GET BAMBOOZLED SO EASY.
- I'M OVERWHELMED!
- WAIT, WAIT, THERE'S MORE.
- MAYNARD, DO YOU REALIZE
WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO ME?
- SURE, I'M READING YOU
PHONE CALLS THAT CAME IN.
HELPFUL LITTLE BEGGAR, AIN'T I?
HERE'S ONE FROM
GERALDINE OGILVY.
ALL IT SAYS IS "DOBIE
GILLIS, YOU ARE A RAT!"
- DOBIE GILLIS? YOU ARE A RAT!
- MAYNARD, ABOUT
YOU MOVING IN HERE.
MAYBE WE OUGHT TO RECONSIDER.
- SURE, DOBE, WHATEVER YOU SAY.
BUT, WAIT, THERE'S
ONE MORE MESSAGE.
- MAYNARD...
- IT'S FROM MRS. FINCHLEY.
SHE WANTS TO KNOW
WHEN I'M GONNA MOVE AWAY
SO SHE CAN START COMING
AROUND AND START RUNNING THINGS.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
ABOUT THAT BOTTLE OX?
- MAYNARD, THAT'S
BATTLE AXE, AND...
STICK AROUND,
ROOMMATE, STICK AROUND.
- STICK AROUND?
OVER MY DEAD BODY,
HE STICKS AROUND.
- THAT'S AN AWFUL MESSY
WAY TO DO IT, BUT OKAY, MR. G.
- DAD, I KNOW MAYNARD'S KIND
OF, SHALL WE SAY, A PROBLEM?
- SHALL WE SAY, A
MAJOR CATASTROPHE!
- YEAH, A MAJOR CATASTROPHE!
- I WENT TO SHAVE THIS MORNING
AND ALL MY SHAVING
CREAM WAS GONE.
- I USED IT ALL TO WRITE
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ON THE CAKE
FOR FLOPSY, MOPSY
AND COTTONTAIL.
IT WAS BEAUTIFUL, OH,
AND ALSO DELICIOUS.
- THAT DOES IT. OUT! OUT!
- NOW LISTEN, DAD.
- OKAY, I'LL GO, I'LL GO.
I'LL CRY A LOT, BUT I'LL GO.
- TEN HUT!
MR. GILLIS, I JUST GOT
THIS LETTER FROM WINNIE
LITERALLY BEGGING ME TO
LOOK AFTER YOU AND DOBIE.
SHE SAYS, IN TIME, I MAY
EVEN GET USED TO MAYNARD.
- SURE, YOU WILL.
- OH, YOU WILL, MRS.
FINCHLEY, YOU WILL.
I'LL GROW ON YOU LIKE A WART.
I'M A VERY AMUSING LITTLE CHAP.
YOU WANNA SEE MY
IMITATION OF A CHICKEN?
- AT EASE!
GET USED TO YOU?
OH, COME NOW.
THAT WINNIE COMES UP WITH
SOME PRETTY DUMB IDEAS,
CONSIDERING SHE'S SO
BRILLIANT AT MAHJONG!
- MAYNARD?
- YES, YOUR GROCERSHIP,
YES, YES, YES?
- OH, STICK AROUND,
ROOMMATE, STICK AROUND.
WELL, ENOUGH OF THIS
SICKENING SENTIMENT.
I'VE GOT WORK TO DO.
I GOT A BUNCH OF GUYS COMING
UP TONIGHT FROM THE LODGE
FOR PINOCHLE AND EATS.
GUESS WHAT I'M GONNA GIVE 'EM.
- HEARTBURN.
- MAYNARD...
I'M GOING TO FIX UP ONE
OF MY DELECTABLE REPARES
FOR WHICH I AM
JUSTIFIABLY FAMOUS.
- OH, GARBANZO BEANS AND...
PICKLED SOWBELLY?
- IMPORTED.
OH, THIS'LL STIR
UP A LOT OF TALK.
YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY, BUT
WINNIE NEVER THINKS TO FIX UP
A DELECTABLE GOURMET
DELIGHT LIKE THIS.
- SHE'S ALL HEART, THAT WOMAN.
- OH, BY THE WAY, DAD,
DO YOU KNOW WHERE I
CAN FIND A CLEAN SHIRT?
- LIKE THIS?
- WELL, NOT EXACTLY, MAYNARD.
I LOOKED IN EVERY
DRAWER IN MY ROOM.
THERE'S NOT A CLEAN
SHIRT IN THE PLACE.
- SON, IF YOU REMEMBERED TO
TAKE CARE OF YOUR SHIRTS LIKE YOU
SHOULD YOU HAVE A CLEAN
ONE NOW WHEN YOU NEED IT.
- BUT I DID REMEMBER.
I TOOK ALL THE DIRTY ONES TO
THE LAUNDRY ON THE CORNER
LIKE MOM ALWAYS DOES.
- BUT DID YOU REMEMBER TO
PICK THEM UP FROM THE CORNER
LIKE MOM ALWAYS DOES?
- HMMM.
- OH, DOBIE, IT'S SUNDAY
AND THE LAUNDRY'S CLOSED.
YOU KNOW, YOU
WORRY ME SOMETIMES.
I'M AFRAID YOU'RE NOT QUITE THE
EFFICIENT CHIP OFF THE OLD BLOCK
YOUR OLD MAN IS.
- DOGGONE IT, MAYNARD.
AFTER YOU AND YOUR MESSAGES,
I HAD TO TALK MY HEAD OFF TO
GET A DATE WITH BETTY SUE TONIGHT.
AND I'VE JUST GOTTA HAVE
A CLEAN SHIRT TO WEAR.
A NEAT APPEARANCE MAKES
A BIG IMPRESSION ON A GIRL.
- TRUE. I FIND IT VERY VALUABLE.
- HEY, WHAT HAPPENED
TO ALL MY CLEAN SHIRTS?
MY CLOSET IS STARK EMPTY.
- DID YOU REMEMBER TO DROP
THEM OFF AT THE LAUNDRY?
- WELL, OF COURSE, I REMEMBERED
TO DROP THEM OFF AT THE LAUNDRY!
- DID YOU REMEMBER
TO PICK THEM UP?
- WELL, OF COURSE,
I REMEMBERED TO...
OH, I'VE BEEN SO
UNFAIR TO YOUR MOTHER.
SHE'S A WONDERFUL WOMAN,
REMEMBERING TO DO ALL THE THINGS
THAT US STUPID SCHNOOKS FORGET!
- I'LL BUY THAT.
- HOW CAN I ENTERTAIN
MY DISTINGUISHED
PINOCHLE-PLAYING LODGE BROTHERS
IN MY UNDERSHIRT?
THERE'S NOT A CLEAN
SHIRT IN THE HOUSE!
- THAT'S DISCORRECT, MR. G.
THERE IS A CLEAN SHIRT IN
THE HOUSE, NAMELY MINE.
- YOU, MAYNARD? A CLEAN SHIRT?
- YEAH, MY FATHER ALWAYS WANTS
ME TO CARRY ONE WHEN I GO OUT.
HE SAYS IT'S A LONG
SHOT, BUT MAYBE SOMEDAY
SOMEBODY'S GONNA COME
UP TO ME IN THE STREET
AND ASK ME TO GO ON A LONG
TRIP AND I GOTTA BE PREPARED.
- OH, YOU'RE A
GOOD BOY, MAYNARD.
SOMEDAY I'LL DO
SOMETHING FOR YOU.
- YOU? OH, COME NOW.
- HOLD IT, DAD. I
NEED THIS SHIRT.
I'VE GOT AN IMPORTANT DATE
TONIGHT AND I HAVE TO LOOK GOOD.
- YEAH, BUT MY LODGE BROTHERS
WHO ARE COMING UP TO PLAY
PINOCHLE TONIGHT ARE VERY
IMPORTANT PEOPLE AND I GOTTA
MAKE A BIG IMPRESSION ON THEM.
- DAD, BETTY SUE IS THE
ONLY GIRL I'LL EVER LOVE.
LOOK, DAD...
- DOBIE, THE BISON LODGE
IS THE ONLY LODGE I'LL EVER...
[SHIRT TEARING]
- YOU GOT THE BIGGER HALF,
MR. G. YOU MAKE THE WISH.
- WHAT'S BETTY SUE GONNA SAY
WHEN SHE SEES ME WEARING THIS?
- HOW ABOUT [GASPS]
- MAYNARD, PLEASE.
- YEAH? WELL, WHAT ARE MY
LODGE BROTHERS GONNA SAY
WHEN THEY SEE ME PARADING
AROUND IN MY UNDERSHIRT?
I'M GONNA LOOK AWFUL SILLY.
- HOW ABOUT THROWING
IN THE TROWEL?
- MAYNARD, THAT'S
TOWEL, AND NEVER MIND!
I'VE SPENT A LIFETIME WAITING
FOR A GIRL LIKE BETTY SUE
TO COME ALONG AND I'M
NOT GONNA LOSE HER NOW!
JUST WAIT.
I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING THAT'LL
MAKE ME LOOK PRESENTABLE.
- DOBIE, YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS!
- BETTY SUE, MY ANGEL,
I THOUGHT WE COULD
SPEND A LOVELY EVENING
WALKING HAND IN HAND
ALONG THE RIVERBANK.
I DIDN'T WANT TO CATCH COLD.
I'M THE FRAIL,
SENSITIVE, ARTISTIC TYPE.
- WALKING ALONG A RIVERBANK
IS NOT MY NOTION
OF A LOVELY EVENING.
AND WILL YOU PLEASE
TAKE OFF THAT AWFUL COAT?
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME!
- HEY, I'VE GOT IT! I'VE GOT IT!
HOW ABOUT A WONDERFULLY
EXCITING WALK DOWN TO THE AIRPORT?
I HEAR THEY'VE GOT
A NEW JET THERE
THAT'S JUST SIMPLY FABULOUS!
- WE ARE STAYING RIGHT HERE!
WILL YOU TAKE OFF THAT TENT?
- IN A WHILE, BETTY SUE,
AFTER IT WARMS UP IN HERE.
- AFTER IT WARMS
UP? IT'S 80 DEGREES!
- WELL, THAT'S FAHRENHEIT.
I'M A CENTIGRADE MAN MYSELF.
- DOBIE, ARE YOU OR ARE
YOU NOT GOING TO TAKE OFF
THAT CRAZY HORSE BLANKET?
- MY SWEET, I'M FREEZING!
- MY SWEET, WHAT YOU
ARE IS SOME KIND OF A NUT!
- LOOK, BETTY SUE, I CAN
EXPLAIN THIS, BADLY, OF COURSE.
PLEASE LISTEN.
- ARRIVEDERCI, CREEP!
- DON'T GO, MY DOVE!
WE HAVEN'T DANCED YET!
- DANCED?
WITH YOU DECKED OUT LIKE
AN OVERDRESSED ESKIMO?
- WELL, THE DANCES THESE
DAYS ARE PLENTY COOL.
COME, MY SWEET.
- DOBIE, EVERYBODY'S
LOOKING AT US!
- AH, WHEN TWO
HEARTS BEAT AS ONE,
WHAT DOES IT MATTER, MY DEAR?
- DOBIE?
- YES, MY TIGER?
- HI, DAD. YOUR PINOCHLE
GAME BROKE UP EARLY, HUH?
- YEAH, THEIR HEADS I
SHOULD HAVE BROKE UP EARLY,
THE BUNCH OF LOUDMOUTHS.
- OH? TROUBLE?
- YOU GOTTA HAVE TROUBLE!
TRYING TO RUN A PINOCHLE GAME
DRESSED IN THIS
STUPID PAJAMA TOP
YOUR AUNT MARTHA
GIMME FOR CHRISTMAS!
- DAD, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
- BEAUTIFUL?
I LOOK LIKE A LAME-BRAIN JERK!
- YOU RANG?
MAN, YOU SHOULDA HEARD THE
GUYS WHISTLE AT HIM. [WHISTLES]
- WELL, WITH NO CLEAN
SHIRTS IN THE HOUSE,
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT ME TO WEAR?
- A GUNNY SACK WOULD
HAVE BEEN BETTER THAN THAT.
- AND THE WAY THEY
GRIPED ABOUT THE EATS.
I TELL YOU, THE GARBANZO
BEANS AND PICKLED SOWBELLY
IS GOOD, HEALTHY FOOD!
- THREE PINOCHLE PLAYERS
SWALLOWED A SLICE OF COFFEE,
AIN'T BEEN HEARD FROM SINCE.
- SLICE OF COFFEE?
- SO THIS COOKING
RACKET'S NEW TO ME.
IT DIDN'T TURN OUT RIGHT.
- THE WHOLE THING
WAS A BUST, HUH, DAD?
- NO, I WOULDN'T
EXACTLY SAY A BUST.
- I WOULD.
- SO WOULD I.
- YEAH, MY EVENING
WASN'T SO GREAT EITHER.
SAY, I WONDER IF
WE COULD CALL MOM
AND ASK HER TO COME
HOME A FEW DAYS EARLY.
- OH, NOW JUST A MINUTE, SON.
WE CAN'T CHICKEN OUT NOW!
WE ARE RUNNING THIS HOUSE JUST
AS GOOD AS YOUR MOTHER COULD,
ALMOST AS GOOD.
- DAD?
- HALF AS GOOD?
- MR. G.?
- A QUARTER AS GOOD?
- DAD?
- ROTTEN?
- THAT'S THE WORD.
- I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT WE GOTTA DO.
WE GOTTA BUCKLE DOWN
AND RUN THIS HOUSE RIGHT!
- WELL...
- CAN WE DO IT, YOU ASK?
- I DIDN'T HEAR NOBODY
ASK NOTHING. DID YOU, DOBE?
- IT'S IMPOSSIBLE, YOU SAY?
- I DIDN'T HEAR NOBODY
SAY NOTHING. DID YOU, DOBE?
- BUT I SAY TO
YOU, WE CAN DO IT!
- YOU BET WE CAN DO IT!
- ANYTHING A WOMAN CAN DO,
EVEN A FINE, STRAPPING,
HEALTHY WOMAN LIKE YOUR MOTHER,
US MEN CAN DO BETTER!
WE'RE BIGGER!
WE'RE STRONGER! WE'RE SMARTER
AND, DOBIE?
- YES, DAD?
- DON'T TELL YOUR
MOTHER I SAID THAT.
SHE'LL CLOBBER ME.
- DAD WAS RIGHT.
WE HAD TO TRY AND
STRAIGHTEN OURSELVES OUT
AND RUN THE HOUSE JUST
AS EFFICIENTLY AS MOM DID,
BUT COULD WE DO IT?
AT FIRST, I WAS WORRIED
ABOUT DAD, BUT HE FOOLED ME.
HE BUCKLED RIGHT DOWN
AND STARTED TO IMPROVE.
- PINOCHLE AT 3:00
THIS AFTERNOON
AT THE LODGE HALL?
OH, NO, NOT ON YOUR LIFE.
POSITIVELY NOT, CHARLIE!
I AIN'T LEAVING THE STORE AT
THAT TIME IN THE AFTERNOON!
HUH?
OH, WELL, MAYBE I COULD
SNEAK OUT ABOUT FOUR.
- DAD!
- FOUR DOZEN EGGS, MRS. GRIMSBY?
YES, MA'AM!
OH, HI, SON.
WHAT'S GOING ON IN
THE OUTSIDE WORLD?
- DAD, I'M ASHAMED OF YOU.
WE'RE TRYING TO GET THINGS
BACK ON AN EVEN KEEL HERE
AND YOU STILL HANG
ONTO YOUR OLD HABITS.
- OH, I'M JUST NO GOOD, BOY.
I'M ROTTEN CLEAN THROUGH.
- NO, YOU'RE NOT, DAD.
- YES, HE IS.
- NO, I'M NOT, AND
YOU KEEP OUT OF THIS.
SON, IT'S JUST THAT I
CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT
UNLESS I GOT SOMEBODY
NAGGING AT ME.
- I'D BE HAPPY TO NAG AT YOU,
MR. G., I'M VERY GOOD AT IT.
- NO, A PERSON HAS TO
KNOW INSIDE HIMSELF
WHAT'S RIGHT AND WHAT'S
WRONG AND THEN STICK TO IT.
- YOU'RE A GOOD BOY,
SON, AND I'M PROUD OF YOU.
- WELL, I TRY, DAD, I TRY.
- DOBIE, I GOT YOUR NOTE
AND I'VE BEEN WAITING 20
MINUTES FOR YOU IN THE MALT SHOP.
YOU'RE LATE.
- OH! CARRYING ON A ROMANCE
DURING WORKING HOURS, HUH?
- WELL, DAD, I JUST
THOUGHT THAT...
- OH, FOR SHAME!
YOU GOTTA KNOW INSIDE YOURSELF
WHAT'S RIGHT AND WHAT'S WRONG
AND STICK TO IT.
- YOU'RE RIGHT,
DAD, YOU'RE RIGHT.
- DOBIE, ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
- BETTY SUE...
- THAT MEANS NO.
- WELL, I NEVER!
- I NEVER EITHER, BUT THAT'S
THE WAY THE COOKIE CRUMBLES.
- DAD, IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE
BACK ON THE RIGHT TRACK, HUH?
- YOU BET WE ARE!
WORK FIRST AND PLAY LATER.
WE CAN DO IT, BOY.
- RIGHT.
- RIGHT.
- DAD, I FINISHED THE DISHES.
DO YOU NEED ANY
HELP WITH THE FLOORS?
- NEVER MIND. I'M DONE NOW.
AND, BOY, HAVE I GOT A CASE
OF SCRUB WOMAN'S KNEES!
OH, THEY'RE KILLING ME!
- DID YOU FINISH
IRONING THE SHIRTS?
- YEAH, MEDIUM STARCH
IN THE SPORT SHIRTS
AND LIGHT STARCH
IN THE DRESS SHIRTS.
- OH, GOOD WORK.
- DID YOU PUT THE
MEAT IN THE OVEN?
- AN HOUR AGO, AND THE
SWEET POTATOES TOO.
- YEAH. WELL, TOMORROW
IT'S MY TURN TO COOK DINNER.
I THINK I'LL WHIP UP A
LITTLE LEMON MERINGUE PIE.
I SAW A HECK OF A
GOOD-SOUNDING RECIPE
IN ONE OF THEM
WOMEN'S MAGAZINES.
- DAD, YOU'VE REALLY DONE IT.
YOU'VE TURNED INTO A
HARD-WORKING, EFFICIENT,
WELL-ORGANIZED HOUSEWIFE.
- OH, THANKS, SON... HOUSEWIFE?
NOW HOLD THE PHONE!
I HAPPEN TO BE AN ALL-AMERICAN,
RED-BLOODED HOUSE-HUSBAND!
THAT'S WHAT I AM AND
DON'T YOU FORGET IT!
- LIKE HI, DOBE. LIKE HI, MA'AM.
- MAYNARD, IT'S DAD.
- GLORIOSKY, SO IT IS!
OOH, WHAT A WORLD WE LIVE IN.
- STAND BACK, EVERYBODY!
I'M HERE FOR AN
OFFICIAL INSPECTION!
- DON'T WORRY, DOBE! I'LL
HOLD THIS SO THE OLD BUSYBODY
WON'T KNOW WHERE
WE HID ALL THE DIRT!
- NOBODY'S GONNA GET ME TO MOVE,
NOT EVEN SOMEBODY AS BIG AS HER!
- MAYNARD, YOU
DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
WE'RE TAKING CARE
OF THIS HOUSE RIGHT.
- WELL, WE'LL SOON SEE!
FLOORS LOOK GOOD.
NO DIRT UNDER THE RUG.
DISHES APPEAR IN GOOD SHAPE.
FOOD SEEMS SATISFACTORY.
- I WISH IT TASTED THE SAME.
- YES, I'M GOING TO WRITE WINNIE
THAT YOU'RE KEEPING
EVERYTHING IN APPLE PIE ORDER!
- WHAT ARE YOU SO
SURPRISED ABOUT?
IT AIN'T SO HARD TO KEEP
A HOUSE IN GOOD SHAPE.
- RIGHT, ALL IT TAKES IS HARD
WORK AND ENERGY AND APPLICATION.
- NO PINOCHLE.
- NO DATES WITH GIRLS.
- NO GOING TO LODGE MEETINGS.
- NO MOVIES.
- NO WATCHING
WRESTLING ON TELEVISION.
- NO HACKING AROUND AND
HAVING A LOT OF LAUGHS.
- OH, BOY, AIN'T IT
A WONDERFUL LIFE?
- WONDERFUL.
- WINNIE WILL BE PLEASED TO HEAR
HOW WELL EVERYTHING IS GOING.
NOW SHE CAN STAY WITH HER SISTER
IN CLEVELAND FOR ANOTHER WEEK.
- HUH?
- WHAT?
- OH, SHE WAS WORRIED
ABOUT YOU TWO,
BUT WHEN I TELL HER WHAT
A FINE JOB YOU'RE DOING,
IT'LL PUT HER MIND AT EASE
AND SHE CAN STAY WITH
HER SISTER A WHILE LONGER.
I'M PROUD OF YOU!
YOU'VE DONE A WONDERFUL JOB...
CONSIDERING YOU'RE MEN!
- YOU MEAN THAT JUST
BECAUSE THE HOUSE IS CLEAN,
WINNIE AIN'T COMING HOME?
- RIGHT. AREN'T YOU HAPPY?
- LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
MRS. G. AIN'T COMING BACK,
SO I'M GONNA STAY HERE
ANOTHER WEEK, TRUE?
- TRUE.
- NOT TRUE.
- THEN YOU'RE NOT GOING TO STAY?
- OH, I'M GONNA STAY, ALL
RIGHT, BUT NOT WITHOUT
SOME OF MY PRIZED
POSSESSIONS AND SOUVENIRS!
NOW MY MOST PRIZED OF SOUVENIRS!
- OPERATOR?
OPERATOR, I WANT TO PLACE A CALL
TO CLEVELAND, PERSON TO PERSON
TO MRS. HERBERT T. GILLIS!
- AND COUSIN ALBERT'S BOY,
MALCOLM, IS IN THE SEVENTH GRADE
AND HE'S DOING VERY WELL.
- SEVENTH GRADE.
THAT'S PRETTY GOOD, HUH?
YOU KNOW, WE ALWAYS THOUGHT
HE WAS KIND OF BACKWARD KID.
HOW OLD IS HE NOW?
- 16.
YES, IT WAS A LOVELY TIME
AND I'M SO HAPPY THAT I WENT.
BUT I'M EVEN HAPPIER TO
BE BACK WITH MY OWN BOYS.
- EVEN ME, MRS. G.?
- EVEN YOU, MAYNARD.
- AND MOPSY?
- AND MOPSY.
- AND FLOPSY?
- AND FLOPSY.
- AND... WHERE'S COTTONTAIL?
- PROBABLY WENT DOWN TO THE
CORNER TO SHOOT A LITTLE POOL.
- GEE, MOM, THAT WAS
A WONDERFUL DINNER.
WHAT WAS THAT?
- HASENPFEFFER.
- HASENPFEFFER?
- STEWED, SPICED HARE.
- MINE WASN'T VERY HAIRY.
- OH, NO, MAYNARD, DEAR.
THAT'S H-A-R-E,
HARE, LIKE RABBIT.
- OH, IT WAS REAL GOOD, MRS. G.
I NEVER TASTED RABBIT
BEFORE... RABBIT?
COTTONTAIL?
WHERE'S COTTONTAIL?
MURDERERS! THAT'S WHAT
YOU ARE, MURDERERS!
- MAYNARD, CALM DOWN!
- MURDERERS!
- MAYNARD, WHO'S THAT BULGE
UNDER YOUR SWEATSHIRT?
- WHY, IT'S COTTONTAIL.
- OH, HI, MAYNARD.
- ANYBODY BEEN
AROUND LOOKING FOR ME?
- NO, MAYNARD.
- YOU SURE?
- I'M POSITIVE.
- YOU'RE POSITIVELY SURE?
- ALL RIGHT, MAYNARD.
SOMEBODY WAS HERE
LOOKING FOR YOU.
HE WAS ABOUT 11 FEET TALL,
COMPLETELY PURPLE WITH A
PROPELLER ON BOTH HEADS.
- DID HE LEAVE A MESSAGE?
- MAYNARD,
I'VE NO TIME FOR YOUR
SPARKLING CONVERSATION!
I'VE TONS OF WORK TO...
TO DO AND EVERY
OUNCE OF IT CAN WAIT.
HELLO, MY DEAR.
I'M DOBIE GILLIS
AND I AM AT YOUR COMMAND
FOREVER, HEART, BODY AND SOUL.
- I'M BETTY SUE FOSDICK.
MAY I HAVE THIS LOAF
OF BREAD, PLEASE?
- AH, YES, I SUPPOSE
EVEN AN ANGEL MUST EAT.
- HOW CHARMING YOU ARE.
- HOW LOVELY YOU ARE.
- HOW SICK I ARE.
- ALLOW ME TO CARRY
THIS PACKAGE TO YOUR CAR,
MY GREAT TAWNY ANIMAL.
OR BETTER STILL, DIRECTLY
TO YOUR HOME AND HEARTH.
MAYNARD, WATCH THE
STORE AND DON'T GOOF.
MOM, YOU'RE TEARING ME AWAY
FROM THE ONLY GIRL I'LL EVER LOVE!
- LOVE HER ON YOUR OWN TIME,
NOT WHEN YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING.
- DON'T YOU WANT ME TO
GET SOME FUN OUT OF LIFE?
- DOBIE DEAR, YOU MUST
THINK THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME
JUST THINKING UP SCHEMES
TO MAKE YOUR LIFE MISERABLE.
- WHAT ARE MOTHERS FOR?
- MAYNARD, NEVER MIND.
- SON? I'M GONNA RUN
OVER TO THE LODGE
AND SEE IF THE BOYS OVER
THERE HAVE GOT A PINOCHLE...
HELLO, WINNIE. YOU'RE
LOOKING LOVELY TODAY.
- HERBERT, DO YOU THINK
IT'S NICE TO PLAY CARDS
WITH THOSE LOAFERS AT THE
LODGE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY
WHEN YOU SHOULD BE WORKING?
- OH, I WASN'T REALLY
GOING OVER TO THE LODGE.
I WAS JUST MAKING A LITTLE JOKE.
- HERBERT, YOU'RE LYING.
- WINNIE, I'M LYING.
- OF COURSE. NOW GET TO WORK.
WHEN, OH, WHEN WILL YOU BOTH
LEARN TO DO THINGS PROPERLY
THE WAY I TELL YOU?
- SON, YOUR MOTHER IS
A WONDERFUL WOMAN.
- SHE'S A GEM.
- SHE IS ONE IN A MILLION.
- SHE'S A PRINCESS.
- SHE'S A WARDEN.
- TRUE.
- OH, BOY,
I WONDER WHAT IT WOULD BE
LIKE TO SPEND A COUPLE WEEKS
WITH NO "NOW, HERBERT, DO
THIS, NOW, HERBERT, DON'T DO THAT,
"NOW, HERBERT, STOP HANGING
AROUND WITH THEM LOAFERS
DOWN AT THE LODGE."
- BOY, THAT'D BE
GREAT, WOULDN'T IT?
DO WHATEVER WE WANT,
WHENEVER WE WANNA DO IT.
BOY, WHAT A LIFE.
- OH, BOY, WHAT A DREAM.
- DOBIE! HERBERT! I GOT
A LETTER FROM MY SISTER!
SHE WANTS ME TO
COME TO CLEVELAND
AND SPEND A COUPLE
OF WEEKS WITH HER!
DO YOU THINK I OUGHT TO GO?
[JAZZ THEME]
- THIS IS MY MOTHER,
MRS. WINIFRED GILLIS.
SHE'S ONE OF NATURE'S NOBLEMEN.
SINCE THE DAY I WAS BORN,
THROUGH THE DIFFICULT YEARS
OF INFANCY AND CHILDHOOD
AND ADOLESCENCE, SHE'S BEEN...
WELL, LIKE A MOTHER TO ME.
SO WHEN WE SAW
THAT SHE WAS SERIOUS
ABOUT GOING AWAY TO
CLEVELAND FOR TWO WEEKS,
YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW WE FELT.
- TWO WEEKS? WHOO,
WHY NOT MAKE IT THREE?
- SOMEHOW I HAVE THE
FEELING THAT YOU'RE HAPPY
THAT I'M GOING AWAY.
- WHO, ME?
- YES, HERBERT.
- YES, HERBERT.
- MAYNARD, YOU KEEP QUIET.
- MOM, THE ONLY REASON
WE WANT YOU TO GO AWAY
IS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU AND
WE WANT YOU TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.
- SURE, SEE? AND THE
LONGER YOU STAY AWAY,
THE MORE WE'LL LOVE YOU, SO
STAY AWAY A GOOD LONG TIME.
- HERBERT!
- OH, THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.
- MOM, DAD ONLY MEANS
THAT WE LOVE YOU THE SAME
WHETHER YOU'RE HERE
OR SOMEPLACE FAR AWAY.
- TRUE.
- SO WHY NOT MAKE
IT EASY ON EVERYBODY
BY GOING SOMEPLACE FAR AWAY?
- DOBIE!
- I ONLY MEANT THAT...
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT, DEAR. I
THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
- YOU DO?
- I DO.
BUT I CAN'T GO AWAY AND LEAVE
YOU TWO BOYS HERE ALONE.
I MEAN, DAY AND
NIGHT, I'D BE WORRYING.
NO, I CAN'T FACE
IT! I'M NOT GOING!
- WINNIE! WHAT'S TO
WORRY? WHY, WE'LL BE FINE!
- MOM, WE CAN COOK AND TAKE
CARE OF THE HOUSE JUST GREAT.
- WHY, WE'LL KEEP EVERYTHING
IN SHIPSHAPE SHAPE.
- WELL...
- WE'LL MANAGE BEAUTIFULLY
WITHOUT YOU.
- WELL...
- THEY'LL PROBABLY
BURN THE HOUSE DOWN.
- THAT'S WHAT I'M
AFRAID OF! I'M NOT GOING!
- MOM, PLEASE, PLEASE!
- COME ON! HONEY,
LISTEN TO REASON.
WE WILL RUN
EVERYTHING JUST FINE!
- YEAH, BUT NOT TOO FINE.
- NO, NOT TOO FINE,
JUST FINE ENOUGH
AND, MAYNARD, YOU KEEP QUIET.
- WELL, I DO WANT
TO SEE MY SISTER.
BUT YOU PROMISE THAT YOU'RE
NOT TRYING TO GET RID OF ME!
- ME? WINNIE, WHY,
SUCH A THOUGHT
NEVER ONCE ENTERED INTO MY HEAD!
- YOUR HEAD? OH, COME NOW.
- NOW LOOK, WE'D BETTER
GET DOWN TO THE DEPOT.
WE DON'T WANT YOU
TO MISS YOUR TRAIN.
- THE TRAIN DON'T
LEAVE FOR 4 1/2 HOURS.
- IT DON'T PAY TO TAKE CHANCES
AND, MAYNARD, YOU BUTT OUT.
- WELL, ALL RIGHT, HERBERT.
IT'S AGAINST MY BETTER
JUDGMENT, BUT I'M GOING.
- DON'T YOU WORRY
ABOUT A THING, MOM.
WE'LL KEEP THIS PLACE
IN PERFECT SHAPE.
- YOU CERTAINLY WILL.
I'VE ASKED MRS. FINCHLEY
FROM NEXT DOOR
TO LOOK IN EVERY DAY
AND KEEP AN EYE ON YOU.
- MRS. FINCHLEY?
- OLD IRONSIDES?
- MRS. FINCHLEY IS A
FINE, EFFICIENT WOMAN.
- MRS. FINCHLEY IS A
FINE, EFFICIENT NUT!
- SHE'LL FIT IN GOOD HERE.
[MUTTERING]
- WHAT ARE YOU BOYS DOING?
- PRACTICING THE
LODGE HANDSHAKE.
- OH, NOT THEY WASN'T!
THEY WERE CELEBRATING.
- MAYNARD!
- CHEATERS NEVER PROSPECT.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S
PROSPER, AND NEVER MIND!
WE'VE GOT TO GET MOM
TO THE TRAIN ON TIME.
- YES, YES! COME ON, HONEY.
IT'S 3 1/2 BLOCKS TO THE DEPOT
AND WE'VE ONLY GOT
FOUR HOURS TO MAKE IT!
- NEED I TELL YOU THAT MOM
HAD ABSOLUTELY NO REASON
TO WORRY ABOUT DAD AND ME?
ONCE SHE WAS GONE,
WE WERE AS NEAT AS PINS,
AS CLEAN AS WHISTLES,
AS EFFICIENT AS ROBOTS.
TAKE, FOR EXAMPLE, HOW
WE HANDLED THE DISHES.
ON THAT, WITH ALL DUE MODESTY,
I'VE GOT TO GIVE US AN A-PLUS.
DID WE TOSS THE DISHES
AROUND CARELESSLY?
NO, SIR.
AFTER WE WERE THROUGH EATING,
WE STACKED THEM
VERY, VERY NEATLY.
WONDERFUL MEAL, DAD.
- OH, YOU BET IT WAS.
TOMORROW WE'RE GONNA
HAVE CORN ON THE COB
OR DID WE HAVE CORN YESTERDAY?
LET'S SEE.
NO, THAT WAS TWO DAYS AGO.
- THIS IS THE LIFE, HUH, DAD?
- OH, IT SURE IS.
- HOW ABOUT CLEANLINESS?
WELL, EVEN IF I SAY
SO MYSELF, AND I DO,
WE RATE ANOTHER TOP GRADE.
I MEAN, THE WAY WE
TOOK CARE OF THAT HOUSE,
THERE WASN'T A SINGLE SPECK
OF DUST ANYWHERE IN SIGHT.
UH, WHERE WILL I PUT IT, DAD.
- OH, I GOT JUST
THE PLACE FOR THAT.
AND YOUR MOTHER THOUGHT WE
COULDN'T KEEP THIS PLACE CLEAN.
PRETTY GOOD IDEA, HUH?
- UH-HUH. IT'S OKAY FOR NOW,
BUT WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN
WHEN SHE FINDS ALL THIS DUST?
- I SAID IT WAS A PRETTY
GOOD IDEA, NOT PERFECT.
- NEATNESS? RIGHT,
ANOTHER A-PLUS.
YOU MIGHT FIGURE WE WOULDN'T
BOTHER ABOUT MINOR ITEMS,
YOU KNOW, MAKING
BEDS AND LIKE THAT.
BUT NOT US, NO, SIR.
EVERY MORNING BRIGHT AND EARLY,
OUR BEDS WERE PUT
INTO TIP-TOP SHAPE.
- READY, DAD?
- READY, SON.
OH, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
- YEAH, GORGEOUS. MOM
WOULD BE PROUD OF US.
- YEAH, AND SHE THOUGHT WE
WERE GONNA TURN THIS PLACE
INTO A RUNDOWN, BEAT-UP,
BROKEN-DOWN MESS!
- YOU RANG?
- OH, HI, MAYNARD.
- LIKE, HI, MR. G.
LIKE, HI, DOBE G.
HEY, WHAT YOU GOT
HIDDEN UNDER THERE?
- NOTHING, MAYNARD.
- SURE YOU HAVE.
IT'S A DEAD BODY. I
SEEN THE WHOLE THING
ON THE LATE, LATE
MOVIE ON TELEVISION!
YOU'RE GONNA PUT IT IN CEMENT
AND TAKE IT TO THE RIVER AND...
- MAYNARD? MAYNARD, WHAT IS IT?
- I SCARED MYSELF.
- NOW YOU KNOW HOW WE FEEL
WHEN YOU SHOW UP, NO OFFENSE.
SON, I GOT A FEW OF
THE LODGE BROTHERS
COMING OVER THIS EVENING
FOR A LITTLE PINOCHLE, OKAY?
- SURE, DAD, AND I'VE GOT A
DATE WITH BETTY SUE FOSDICK,
SO I'LL PROBABLY BE GETTING
HOME KIND OF LATE, OKAY?
- SURE.
YOU GO YOUR WAY, I'LL GO MINE.
THAT'S THE WAY
US BACHELORS LIVE,
FREE AND EASY!
NO NAGGING, NO BACKTALK.
- YEAH.
BOY, OH, BOY, THIS
IS THE LIFE, HUH, DAD?
- OH, IT SURE IS.
- AND I SURE DO LOVE THAT
ROUGH, MANLY SENSE OF HUMOR!
- OH, MAYNARD, GET LOST!
- SOME MORE ROUGH,
MANLY HUMOR, MR. G.!
OH, US ROUGH, MANLY MEN
SURE GOT A ROUGH,
MANLY SENSE OF HUMOR.
HEY, WOULDN'T IT BE THE GREATEST
IF ANOTHER ROUGH,
MANLY MAN, NAMELY ME,
MOVED IN WITH SOME OTHER
ROUGH, MANLY MEN, NAMELY YOU?
I MEAN, WE'D BE LIKE
THE FOUR MUSKETEERS.
- MOVE IN HERE? YOU, MAYNARD?
- YOU, MAYNARD?
- ME, MAYNARD.
- NO, MAYNARD.
- I'D BE SWEET AS SUGAR.
- THE NEXT TIME I HEAR FROM YOU,
I WANT IT TO BE BY AIRMAIL!
- AHA!
- OH, MRS. FINCHLEY.
- WINNIE WARNED ME THIS HOUSE
WOULD LOOK LIKE A DISASTER AREA.
- WE DIDN'T WANNA LET YOU DOWN.
- HELLO, MRS. FINCHLEY.
- I SAID I'D KEEP AN
EYE ON YOU TWO.
LOOKS LIKE I GOT HERE
JUST TWO STEPS AHEAD
OF THE WRECKING CREW!
FIRST OF ALL, WE'RE
GONNA CLEAN THIS ROOM
FROM TOP TO BOTTOM NOW!
- I CAN'T, MRS. FINCHLEY.
I'VE GOT A DATE.
- YES, AND I GOTTA GET
OVER TO THE LODGE HALL.
- YOU WANNA BET? START CLEANING!
- LOOK, MRS. FINCHLEY...
- QUIET, BUSTER,
AND GET TO WORK!
- WORK?
[SCREAMS]
- GOOD HEAVENS! WHAT'S THIS?
- HOW DO, MRS. FINCHLEY.
I'M MAYNARD G. KREBS.
- WELL, DON'T BOTHER
ME WITH YOUR PROBLEMS!
YOU'RE NOT LIVING HERE, ARE YOU?
- ME, YOUR WORSHIP?
- BECAUSE IF YOU ARE,
I'M BACKING OUT OF
MY PROMISE TO WINNIE!
I SAID I'D LOOK AFTER HER
HUSBAND AND HER SON,
BUT NOT THE NEIGHBORHOOD
FLOTSAM AND JETSAM!
- NO, YOUR DICTATORSHIP.
- DEAR BOY, LET ME
TELL HER THE STORY.
MAYNARD HERE HAS
BEEN LIVING WITH US
EVER SINCE MRS. GILLIS LEFT TOWN
AND HE'S GOING TO
KEEP ON LIVING HERE.
- OH. WELL, THAT
CHANGES EVERYTHING!
- I THOUGHT IT WOULD.
- FRIENDSHIP IS ALL
RIGHT IN ITS PLACE,
BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS!
- MR. G., YOU WANT
ME TO LIVE HERE?
OH, FOR JOY, FOR JOY!
- WELL, IT AIN'T EXACTLY
MY IDEA OF HEAVEN,
BUT YOU'RE BETTER THAN
THAT OLD BATTLE AXE.
- AND CUTER TOO.
- OH, ON SECOND THOUGHT,
THIS MAY BE THE BIGGEST
MISTAKE OF THE AGE.
- OH, NO, MR. G. I WON'T
BE NO TROUBLE AT ALL.
IN FACT, YOU WON'T EVEN
HARDLY KNOW I'M HERE.
- MAYNARD?
MAYNARD?
MAYNARD!
CEASE, DESIST, QUIET!
- MR. G., DON'T YOU DIG MUSIC?
YOU OUGHT TO GET WITH IT.
- I OUGHT TO GET EXAMINED,
THAT'S WHAT I OUGHT,
LETTING YOU MOVE IN
HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
- YOU'RE ALL HEART, SIR.
- LOOK, IF YOU ARE
GOING TO LIVE HERE,
AND I AM AFRAID YOU ARE,
COULDN'T YOU DO SOMETHING
TO MAKE YOURSELF A
LITTLE USEFUL AROUND HERE?
- YES, SIR, YOUR GROCERSHIP,
YES, SIR, YES, SIR, YES, SIR.
- I, UH, KNOW I'M GOING
TO REGRET THIS QUESTION,
BUT, MAYNARD, WHY ARE YOU
KEEPING THE CARROT TOPS?
- FOR MY RABBITS, FLOPSY,
MOPSY AND COTTONTAIL.
THEY'RE MOVING IN TOMORROW.
OH, YOU'LL LOVE THEM, MR. G.
I MEAN, THEY'RE ALL FURRY
AND SOFT AND CUDDLY
AND THEIR NOSES GO...
ALL THE TIME.
- IF YOU'RE RABBITS ARE
MOVING IN TOMORROW,
YOU ARE MOVING OUT TONIGHT.
- I'LL BUY THAT. AND
YOU WIN, NO RABBITS.
MY FATHER WOULDN'T
LET ME KEEP THEM EITHER.
I MEAN, EVERY TIME I BRING THEM
IN THE HOUSE TO PLAY DOMINOES,
HE CRIES.
MR. G, YOU'RE LOOKING AT A
VERY MISERABLE CREATURE.
- SON, YOU'RE LOOKING
AT A VERY HAPPY GROCER!
- DAD, YOU ARE LOOKING AT
A VERY HAPPY GROCER'S SON!
- AH, FREEDOM.
GREATEST INVENTION
SINCE EASY CREDIT.
I'M GONNA RUN OVER TO THE LODGE
AND SIT IN ON A LITTLE
CIVIC BETTERMENT MEETING.
- YEAH, PINOCHLE?
- PINOCHLE.
- I'M GONNA STAY HERE
AND TAKE CARE OF SOME
UNFINISHED BUSINESS.
- A GIRL?
- A GIRL.
[LAUGH]
- OH, ISN'T THAT MARVELOUS?
ME OVER AT THE LODGE,
YOU IN THE STORE,
YET WE BOTH GOT... FREEDOM!
- FREEDOM!
YEAH, DAD.
- SEE YOU LATER.
- SEE YOU LATER, DAD.
- HI, DOBIE.
- AH, BETTY SUE, MY TIGER.
HOW SWEET, YET
HOW TYPICAL OF YOU,
TO DROP IN TO SEE
ME WHILE I WORK.
- I'M HAPPY TO DO IT, DOBIE.
I'VE LOOKED ALL MY
LIFE FOR A BOY LIKE YOU,
FINE, HARDWORKING,
TRUSTWORTHY, LOYAL.
- OH, I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.
- I WOULD.
- I WOULDN'T.
- OH, HELLO, MAYNARD.
GOODBYE, MAYNARD.
- DOBE, I WANT YOU AND MR. G.
TO KNOW THAT I'M TRYING TO BE
A HELPFUL MEMBER OF THE FAMILY.
SO I TOOK DOWN ALL THE PHONE
CALLS THAT CAME IN TODAY.
- OH, FINE, MAYNARD,
FINE. NOW WHERE WERE...
OH, YES. I WAS
TRUSTWORTHY AND LOYAL.
- MONICA MONIHAN
SAYS TO CALL HER
AS SOON AS YOU DUMP THE
SNOOTY CREEP YOU'VE BEEN CHASING.
NO OFFENSE, YOU SNOOTY CREEP.
- WELL!
- MAYNARD, WILL YOU
PLEASE GO OUTSIDE?
- DON'T BOTHER
THANKING ME NOW, DOBE.
I GOT A LOT MORE, AND
THEY EVEN GET BETTER.
GRETCHEN TRONDHEIM PHONED
WILL YOU PLEASE SEND BACK
THE $3 YOU BORROWED FROM HER
AND SHE HOPES
YOUR NEXT GIRLFRIEND
DON'T GET BAMBOOZLED SO EASY.
- I'M OVERWHELMED!
- WAIT, WAIT, THERE'S MORE.
- MAYNARD, DO YOU REALIZE
WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO ME?
- SURE, I'M READING YOU
PHONE CALLS THAT CAME IN.
HELPFUL LITTLE BEGGAR, AIN'T I?
HERE'S ONE FROM
GERALDINE OGILVY.
ALL IT SAYS IS "DOBIE
GILLIS, YOU ARE A RAT!"
- DOBIE GILLIS? YOU ARE A RAT!
- MAYNARD, ABOUT
YOU MOVING IN HERE.
MAYBE WE OUGHT TO RECONSIDER.
- SURE, DOBE, WHATEVER YOU SAY.
BUT, WAIT, THERE'S
ONE MORE MESSAGE.
- MAYNARD...
- IT'S FROM MRS. FINCHLEY.
SHE WANTS TO KNOW
WHEN I'M GONNA MOVE AWAY
SO SHE CAN START COMING
AROUND AND START RUNNING THINGS.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
ABOUT THAT BOTTLE OX?
- MAYNARD, THAT'S
BATTLE AXE, AND...
STICK AROUND,
ROOMMATE, STICK AROUND.
- STICK AROUND?
OVER MY DEAD BODY,
HE STICKS AROUND.
- THAT'S AN AWFUL MESSY
WAY TO DO IT, BUT OKAY, MR. G.
- DAD, I KNOW MAYNARD'S KIND
OF, SHALL WE SAY, A PROBLEM?
- SHALL WE SAY, A
MAJOR CATASTROPHE!
- YEAH, A MAJOR CATASTROPHE!
- I WENT TO SHAVE THIS MORNING
AND ALL MY SHAVING
CREAM WAS GONE.
- I USED IT ALL TO WRITE
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ON THE CAKE
FOR FLOPSY, MOPSY
AND COTTONTAIL.
IT WAS BEAUTIFUL, OH,
AND ALSO DELICIOUS.
- THAT DOES IT. OUT! OUT!
- NOW LISTEN, DAD.
- OKAY, I'LL GO, I'LL GO.
I'LL CRY A LOT, BUT I'LL GO.
- TEN HUT!
MR. GILLIS, I JUST GOT
THIS LETTER FROM WINNIE
LITERALLY BEGGING ME TO
LOOK AFTER YOU AND DOBIE.
SHE SAYS, IN TIME, I MAY
EVEN GET USED TO MAYNARD.
- SURE, YOU WILL.
- OH, YOU WILL, MRS.
FINCHLEY, YOU WILL.
I'LL GROW ON YOU LIKE A WART.
I'M A VERY AMUSING LITTLE CHAP.
YOU WANNA SEE MY
IMITATION OF A CHICKEN?
- AT EASE!
GET USED TO YOU?
OH, COME NOW.
THAT WINNIE COMES UP WITH
SOME PRETTY DUMB IDEAS,
CONSIDERING SHE'S SO
BRILLIANT AT MAHJONG!
- MAYNARD?
- YES, YOUR GROCERSHIP,
YES, YES, YES?
- OH, STICK AROUND,
ROOMMATE, STICK AROUND.
WELL, ENOUGH OF THIS
SICKENING SENTIMENT.
I'VE GOT WORK TO DO.
I GOT A BUNCH OF GUYS COMING
UP TONIGHT FROM THE LODGE
FOR PINOCHLE AND EATS.
GUESS WHAT I'M GONNA GIVE 'EM.
- HEARTBURN.
- MAYNARD...
I'M GOING TO FIX UP ONE
OF MY DELECTABLE REPARES
FOR WHICH I AM
JUSTIFIABLY FAMOUS.
- OH, GARBANZO BEANS AND...
PICKLED SOWBELLY?
- IMPORTED.
OH, THIS'LL STIR
UP A LOT OF TALK.
YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY, BUT
WINNIE NEVER THINKS TO FIX UP
A DELECTABLE GOURMET
DELIGHT LIKE THIS.
- SHE'S ALL HEART, THAT WOMAN.
- OH, BY THE WAY, DAD,
DO YOU KNOW WHERE I
CAN FIND A CLEAN SHIRT?
- LIKE THIS?
- WELL, NOT EXACTLY, MAYNARD.
I LOOKED IN EVERY
DRAWER IN MY ROOM.
THERE'S NOT A CLEAN
SHIRT IN THE PLACE.
- SON, IF YOU REMEMBERED TO
TAKE CARE OF YOUR SHIRTS LIKE YOU
SHOULD YOU HAVE A CLEAN
ONE NOW WHEN YOU NEED IT.
- BUT I DID REMEMBER.
I TOOK ALL THE DIRTY ONES TO
THE LAUNDRY ON THE CORNER
LIKE MOM ALWAYS DOES.
- BUT DID YOU REMEMBER TO
PICK THEM UP FROM THE CORNER
LIKE MOM ALWAYS DOES?
- HMMM.
- OH, DOBIE, IT'S SUNDAY
AND THE LAUNDRY'S CLOSED.
YOU KNOW, YOU
WORRY ME SOMETIMES.
I'M AFRAID YOU'RE NOT QUITE THE
EFFICIENT CHIP OFF THE OLD BLOCK
YOUR OLD MAN IS.
- DOGGONE IT, MAYNARD.
AFTER YOU AND YOUR MESSAGES,
I HAD TO TALK MY HEAD OFF TO
GET A DATE WITH BETTY SUE TONIGHT.
AND I'VE JUST GOTTA HAVE
A CLEAN SHIRT TO WEAR.
A NEAT APPEARANCE MAKES
A BIG IMPRESSION ON A GIRL.
- TRUE. I FIND IT VERY VALUABLE.
- HEY, WHAT HAPPENED
TO ALL MY CLEAN SHIRTS?
MY CLOSET IS STARK EMPTY.
- DID YOU REMEMBER TO DROP
THEM OFF AT THE LAUNDRY?
- WELL, OF COURSE, I REMEMBERED
TO DROP THEM OFF AT THE LAUNDRY!
- DID YOU REMEMBER
TO PICK THEM UP?
- WELL, OF COURSE,
I REMEMBERED TO...
OH, I'VE BEEN SO
UNFAIR TO YOUR MOTHER.
SHE'S A WONDERFUL WOMAN,
REMEMBERING TO DO ALL THE THINGS
THAT US STUPID SCHNOOKS FORGET!
- I'LL BUY THAT.
- HOW CAN I ENTERTAIN
MY DISTINGUISHED
PINOCHLE-PLAYING LODGE BROTHERS
IN MY UNDERSHIRT?
THERE'S NOT A CLEAN
SHIRT IN THE HOUSE!
- THAT'S DISCORRECT, MR. G.
THERE IS A CLEAN SHIRT IN
THE HOUSE, NAMELY MINE.
- YOU, MAYNARD? A CLEAN SHIRT?
- YEAH, MY FATHER ALWAYS WANTS
ME TO CARRY ONE WHEN I GO OUT.
HE SAYS IT'S A LONG
SHOT, BUT MAYBE SOMEDAY
SOMEBODY'S GONNA COME
UP TO ME IN THE STREET
AND ASK ME TO GO ON A LONG
TRIP AND I GOTTA BE PREPARED.
- OH, YOU'RE A
GOOD BOY, MAYNARD.
SOMEDAY I'LL DO
SOMETHING FOR YOU.
- YOU? OH, COME NOW.
- HOLD IT, DAD. I
NEED THIS SHIRT.
I'VE GOT AN IMPORTANT DATE
TONIGHT AND I HAVE TO LOOK GOOD.
- YEAH, BUT MY LODGE BROTHERS
WHO ARE COMING UP TO PLAY
PINOCHLE TONIGHT ARE VERY
IMPORTANT PEOPLE AND I GOTTA
MAKE A BIG IMPRESSION ON THEM.
- DAD, BETTY SUE IS THE
ONLY GIRL I'LL EVER LOVE.
LOOK, DAD...
- DOBIE, THE BISON LODGE
IS THE ONLY LODGE I'LL EVER...
[SHIRT TEARING]
- YOU GOT THE BIGGER HALF,
MR. G. YOU MAKE THE WISH.
- WHAT'S BETTY SUE GONNA SAY
WHEN SHE SEES ME WEARING THIS?
- HOW ABOUT [GASPS]
- MAYNARD, PLEASE.
- YEAH? WELL, WHAT ARE MY
LODGE BROTHERS GONNA SAY
WHEN THEY SEE ME PARADING
AROUND IN MY UNDERSHIRT?
I'M GONNA LOOK AWFUL SILLY.
- HOW ABOUT THROWING
IN THE TROWEL?
- MAYNARD, THAT'S
TOWEL, AND NEVER MIND!
I'VE SPENT A LIFETIME WAITING
FOR A GIRL LIKE BETTY SUE
TO COME ALONG AND I'M
NOT GONNA LOSE HER NOW!
JUST WAIT.
I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING THAT'LL
MAKE ME LOOK PRESENTABLE.
- DOBIE, YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS!
- BETTY SUE, MY ANGEL,
I THOUGHT WE COULD
SPEND A LOVELY EVENING
WALKING HAND IN HAND
ALONG THE RIVERBANK.
I DIDN'T WANT TO CATCH COLD.
I'M THE FRAIL,
SENSITIVE, ARTISTIC TYPE.
- WALKING ALONG A RIVERBANK
IS NOT MY NOTION
OF A LOVELY EVENING.
AND WILL YOU PLEASE
TAKE OFF THAT AWFUL COAT?
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME!
- HEY, I'VE GOT IT! I'VE GOT IT!
HOW ABOUT A WONDERFULLY
EXCITING WALK DOWN TO THE AIRPORT?
I HEAR THEY'VE GOT
A NEW JET THERE
THAT'S JUST SIMPLY FABULOUS!
- WE ARE STAYING RIGHT HERE!
WILL YOU TAKE OFF THAT TENT?
- IN A WHILE, BETTY SUE,
AFTER IT WARMS UP IN HERE.
- AFTER IT WARMS
UP? IT'S 80 DEGREES!
- WELL, THAT'S FAHRENHEIT.
I'M A CENTIGRADE MAN MYSELF.
- DOBIE, ARE YOU OR ARE
YOU NOT GOING TO TAKE OFF
THAT CRAZY HORSE BLANKET?
- MY SWEET, I'M FREEZING!
- MY SWEET, WHAT YOU
ARE IS SOME KIND OF A NUT!
- LOOK, BETTY SUE, I CAN
EXPLAIN THIS, BADLY, OF COURSE.
PLEASE LISTEN.
- ARRIVEDERCI, CREEP!
- DON'T GO, MY DOVE!
WE HAVEN'T DANCED YET!
- DANCED?
WITH YOU DECKED OUT LIKE
AN OVERDRESSED ESKIMO?
- WELL, THE DANCES THESE
DAYS ARE PLENTY COOL.
COME, MY SWEET.
- DOBIE, EVERYBODY'S
LOOKING AT US!
- AH, WHEN TWO
HEARTS BEAT AS ONE,
WHAT DOES IT MATTER, MY DEAR?
- DOBIE?
- YES, MY TIGER?
- HI, DAD. YOUR PINOCHLE
GAME BROKE UP EARLY, HUH?
- YEAH, THEIR HEADS I
SHOULD HAVE BROKE UP EARLY,
THE BUNCH OF LOUDMOUTHS.
- OH? TROUBLE?
- YOU GOTTA HAVE TROUBLE!
TRYING TO RUN A PINOCHLE GAME
DRESSED IN THIS
STUPID PAJAMA TOP
YOUR AUNT MARTHA
GIMME FOR CHRISTMAS!
- DAD, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
- BEAUTIFUL?
I LOOK LIKE A LAME-BRAIN JERK!
- YOU RANG?
MAN, YOU SHOULDA HEARD THE
GUYS WHISTLE AT HIM. [WHISTLES]
- WELL, WITH NO CLEAN
SHIRTS IN THE HOUSE,
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT ME TO WEAR?
- A GUNNY SACK WOULD
HAVE BEEN BETTER THAN THAT.
- AND THE WAY THEY
GRIPED ABOUT THE EATS.
I TELL YOU, THE GARBANZO
BEANS AND PICKLED SOWBELLY
IS GOOD, HEALTHY FOOD!
- THREE PINOCHLE PLAYERS
SWALLOWED A SLICE OF COFFEE,
AIN'T BEEN HEARD FROM SINCE.
- SLICE OF COFFEE?
- SO THIS COOKING
RACKET'S NEW TO ME.
IT DIDN'T TURN OUT RIGHT.
- THE WHOLE THING
WAS A BUST, HUH, DAD?
- NO, I WOULDN'T
EXACTLY SAY A BUST.
- I WOULD.
- SO WOULD I.
- YEAH, MY EVENING
WASN'T SO GREAT EITHER.
SAY, I WONDER IF
WE COULD CALL MOM
AND ASK HER TO COME
HOME A FEW DAYS EARLY.
- OH, NOW JUST A MINUTE, SON.
WE CAN'T CHICKEN OUT NOW!
WE ARE RUNNING THIS HOUSE JUST
AS GOOD AS YOUR MOTHER COULD,
ALMOST AS GOOD.
- DAD?
- HALF AS GOOD?
- MR. G.?
- A QUARTER AS GOOD?
- DAD?
- ROTTEN?
- THAT'S THE WORD.
- I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT WE GOTTA DO.
WE GOTTA BUCKLE DOWN
AND RUN THIS HOUSE RIGHT!
- WELL...
- CAN WE DO IT, YOU ASK?
- I DIDN'T HEAR NOBODY
ASK NOTHING. DID YOU, DOBE?
- IT'S IMPOSSIBLE, YOU SAY?
- I DIDN'T HEAR NOBODY
SAY NOTHING. DID YOU, DOBE?
- BUT I SAY TO
YOU, WE CAN DO IT!
- YOU BET WE CAN DO IT!
- ANYTHING A WOMAN CAN DO,
EVEN A FINE, STRAPPING,
HEALTHY WOMAN LIKE YOUR MOTHER,
US MEN CAN DO BETTER!
WE'RE BIGGER!
WE'RE STRONGER! WE'RE SMARTER
AND, DOBIE?
- YES, DAD?
- DON'T TELL YOUR
MOTHER I SAID THAT.
SHE'LL CLOBBER ME.
- DAD WAS RIGHT.
WE HAD TO TRY AND
STRAIGHTEN OURSELVES OUT
AND RUN THE HOUSE JUST
AS EFFICIENTLY AS MOM DID,
BUT COULD WE DO IT?
AT FIRST, I WAS WORRIED
ABOUT DAD, BUT HE FOOLED ME.
HE BUCKLED RIGHT DOWN
AND STARTED TO IMPROVE.
- PINOCHLE AT 3:00
THIS AFTERNOON
AT THE LODGE HALL?
OH, NO, NOT ON YOUR LIFE.
POSITIVELY NOT, CHARLIE!
I AIN'T LEAVING THE STORE AT
THAT TIME IN THE AFTERNOON!
HUH?
OH, WELL, MAYBE I COULD
SNEAK OUT ABOUT FOUR.
- DAD!
- FOUR DOZEN EGGS, MRS. GRIMSBY?
YES, MA'AM!
OH, HI, SON.
WHAT'S GOING ON IN
THE OUTSIDE WORLD?
- DAD, I'M ASHAMED OF YOU.
WE'RE TRYING TO GET THINGS
BACK ON AN EVEN KEEL HERE
AND YOU STILL HANG
ONTO YOUR OLD HABITS.
- OH, I'M JUST NO GOOD, BOY.
I'M ROTTEN CLEAN THROUGH.
- NO, YOU'RE NOT, DAD.
- YES, HE IS.
- NO, I'M NOT, AND
YOU KEEP OUT OF THIS.
SON, IT'S JUST THAT I
CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT
UNLESS I GOT SOMEBODY
NAGGING AT ME.
- I'D BE HAPPY TO NAG AT YOU,
MR. G., I'M VERY GOOD AT IT.
- NO, A PERSON HAS TO
KNOW INSIDE HIMSELF
WHAT'S RIGHT AND WHAT'S
WRONG AND THEN STICK TO IT.
- YOU'RE A GOOD BOY,
SON, AND I'M PROUD OF YOU.
- WELL, I TRY, DAD, I TRY.
- DOBIE, I GOT YOUR NOTE
AND I'VE BEEN WAITING 20
MINUTES FOR YOU IN THE MALT SHOP.
YOU'RE LATE.
- OH! CARRYING ON A ROMANCE
DURING WORKING HOURS, HUH?
- WELL, DAD, I JUST
THOUGHT THAT...
- OH, FOR SHAME!
YOU GOTTA KNOW INSIDE YOURSELF
WHAT'S RIGHT AND WHAT'S WRONG
AND STICK TO IT.
- YOU'RE RIGHT,
DAD, YOU'RE RIGHT.
- DOBIE, ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
- BETTY SUE...
- THAT MEANS NO.
- WELL, I NEVER!
- I NEVER EITHER, BUT THAT'S
THE WAY THE COOKIE CRUMBLES.
- DAD, IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE
BACK ON THE RIGHT TRACK, HUH?
- YOU BET WE ARE!
WORK FIRST AND PLAY LATER.
WE CAN DO IT, BOY.
- RIGHT.
- RIGHT.
- DAD, I FINISHED THE DISHES.
DO YOU NEED ANY
HELP WITH THE FLOORS?
- NEVER MIND. I'M DONE NOW.
AND, BOY, HAVE I GOT A CASE
OF SCRUB WOMAN'S KNEES!
OH, THEY'RE KILLING ME!
- DID YOU FINISH
IRONING THE SHIRTS?
- YEAH, MEDIUM STARCH
IN THE SPORT SHIRTS
AND LIGHT STARCH
IN THE DRESS SHIRTS.
- OH, GOOD WORK.
- DID YOU PUT THE
MEAT IN THE OVEN?
- AN HOUR AGO, AND THE
SWEET POTATOES TOO.
- YEAH. WELL, TOMORROW
IT'S MY TURN TO COOK DINNER.
I THINK I'LL WHIP UP A
LITTLE LEMON MERINGUE PIE.
I SAW A HECK OF A
GOOD-SOUNDING RECIPE
IN ONE OF THEM
WOMEN'S MAGAZINES.
- DAD, YOU'VE REALLY DONE IT.
YOU'VE TURNED INTO A
HARD-WORKING, EFFICIENT,
WELL-ORGANIZED HOUSEWIFE.
- OH, THANKS, SON... HOUSEWIFE?
NOW HOLD THE PHONE!
I HAPPEN TO BE AN ALL-AMERICAN,
RED-BLOODED HOUSE-HUSBAND!
THAT'S WHAT I AM AND
DON'T YOU FORGET IT!
- LIKE HI, DOBE. LIKE HI, MA'AM.
- MAYNARD, IT'S DAD.
- GLORIOSKY, SO IT IS!
OOH, WHAT A WORLD WE LIVE IN.
- STAND BACK, EVERYBODY!
I'M HERE FOR AN
OFFICIAL INSPECTION!
- DON'T WORRY, DOBE! I'LL
HOLD THIS SO THE OLD BUSYBODY
WON'T KNOW WHERE
WE HID ALL THE DIRT!
- NOBODY'S GONNA GET ME TO MOVE,
NOT EVEN SOMEBODY AS BIG AS HER!
- MAYNARD, YOU
DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
WE'RE TAKING CARE
OF THIS HOUSE RIGHT.
- WELL, WE'LL SOON SEE!
FLOORS LOOK GOOD.
NO DIRT UNDER THE RUG.
DISHES APPEAR IN GOOD SHAPE.
FOOD SEEMS SATISFACTORY.
- I WISH IT TASTED THE SAME.
- YES, I'M GOING TO WRITE WINNIE
THAT YOU'RE KEEPING
EVERYTHING IN APPLE PIE ORDER!
- WHAT ARE YOU SO
SURPRISED ABOUT?
IT AIN'T SO HARD TO KEEP
A HOUSE IN GOOD SHAPE.
- RIGHT, ALL IT TAKES IS HARD
WORK AND ENERGY AND APPLICATION.
- NO PINOCHLE.
- NO DATES WITH GIRLS.
- NO GOING TO LODGE MEETINGS.
- NO MOVIES.
- NO WATCHING
WRESTLING ON TELEVISION.
- NO HACKING AROUND AND
HAVING A LOT OF LAUGHS.
- OH, BOY, AIN'T IT
A WONDERFUL LIFE?
- WONDERFUL.
- WINNIE WILL BE PLEASED TO HEAR
HOW WELL EVERYTHING IS GOING.
NOW SHE CAN STAY WITH HER SISTER
IN CLEVELAND FOR ANOTHER WEEK.
- HUH?
- WHAT?
- OH, SHE WAS WORRIED
ABOUT YOU TWO,
BUT WHEN I TELL HER WHAT
A FINE JOB YOU'RE DOING,
IT'LL PUT HER MIND AT EASE
AND SHE CAN STAY WITH
HER SISTER A WHILE LONGER.
I'M PROUD OF YOU!
YOU'VE DONE A WONDERFUL JOB...
CONSIDERING YOU'RE MEN!
- YOU MEAN THAT JUST
BECAUSE THE HOUSE IS CLEAN,
WINNIE AIN'T COMING HOME?
- RIGHT. AREN'T YOU HAPPY?
- LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
MRS. G. AIN'T COMING BACK,
SO I'M GONNA STAY HERE
ANOTHER WEEK, TRUE?
- TRUE.
- NOT TRUE.
- THEN YOU'RE NOT GOING TO STAY?
- OH, I'M GONNA STAY, ALL
RIGHT, BUT NOT WITHOUT
SOME OF MY PRIZED
POSSESSIONS AND SOUVENIRS!
NOW MY MOST PRIZED OF SOUVENIRS!
- OPERATOR?
OPERATOR, I WANT TO PLACE A CALL
TO CLEVELAND, PERSON TO PERSON
TO MRS. HERBERT T. GILLIS!
- AND COUSIN ALBERT'S BOY,
MALCOLM, IS IN THE SEVENTH GRADE
AND HE'S DOING VERY WELL.
- SEVENTH GRADE.
THAT'S PRETTY GOOD, HUH?
YOU KNOW, WE ALWAYS THOUGHT
HE WAS KIND OF BACKWARD KID.
HOW OLD IS HE NOW?
- 16.
YES, IT WAS A LOVELY TIME
AND I'M SO HAPPY THAT I WENT.
BUT I'M EVEN HAPPIER TO
BE BACK WITH MY OWN BOYS.
- EVEN ME, MRS. G.?
- EVEN YOU, MAYNARD.
- AND MOPSY?
- AND MOPSY.
- AND FLOPSY?
- AND FLOPSY.
- AND... WHERE'S COTTONTAIL?
- PROBABLY WENT DOWN TO THE
CORNER TO SHOOT A LITTLE POOL.
- GEE, MOM, THAT WAS
A WONDERFUL DINNER.
WHAT WAS THAT?
- HASENPFEFFER.
- HASENPFEFFER?
- STEWED, SPICED HARE.
- MINE WASN'T VERY HAIRY.
- OH, NO, MAYNARD, DEAR.
THAT'S H-A-R-E,
HARE, LIKE RABBIT.
- OH, IT WAS REAL GOOD, MRS. G.
I NEVER TASTED RABBIT
BEFORE... RABBIT?
COTTONTAIL?
WHERE'S COTTONTAIL?
MURDERERS! THAT'S WHAT
YOU ARE, MURDERERS!
- MAYNARD, CALM DOWN!
- MURDERERS!
- MAYNARD, WHO'S THAT BULGE
UNDER YOUR SWEATSHIRT?
- WHY, IT'S COTTONTAIL.