The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 3, Episode 33 - How to Cheat an Honest Man - full transcript
Dobie is torn between two girls on opposite ends of the spectrum. Dobie, using a scam as always, is trying to convince current girlfriend Mona Monaghan that he shouldn't go out with her tonight since she should study for a Latin exam she has the next day, while in reality he can't take her out since he has no money. She counters that she doesn't need to study since she's going to cheat, for which Dobie chastises her, still solely trying to get out of having to take her out. Overhearing this encounter is Eloise McInerney, a girl who Dobie has known since they were children but who he always thought unattainable. Eloise is a straight arrow who believes in unadulterated honesty, and this encounter shows her that Dobie is an honest fellow unlike what she previously believed. However, when she learns that Dobie's father is using a scam to get out from paying a $10 parking ticket, she figures that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. To get Eloise's fleeting affections back, Dobie has to prove to her that his father is going to pay the parking ticket, that proof being the payment receipt. But getting Dobie's father to pay the fine and getting the parking violations clerk to accept the money aren't as easy as Dobie believes. And if Eloise won't have him, Dobie convincing Mona that he has larceny in his heart is also easier said than done.
- LIKE, HI, GOOD BUDDY.
- GOODBYE, MAYNARD.
- NO, DOBE. YOU GOT
IT ALL BACKWARDS.
YOU'RE ONLY SUPPOSED TO
SAY GOODBYE TO SOMEBODY
WHEN THEY'RE LEAVING.
- GOOD THINKING.
GOODBYE, MAYNARD.
- HOW CAN YOU BE SO MEAN
TO SUCH A SWEET LOVABLE...
OH, WHAT A DUMB
QUESTION. WHAT'S HER NAME?
- MONA MONAGHAN,
AND MAYNARD, SHE'S THE
LOVELIEST CREATURE YOU EVER SAW.
- AREN'T THEY ALL?
- NO. THIS ONE'S DIFFERENT.
- AREN'T THEY ALL?
- NEVER MIND.
ANYHOW, SHE'S GONNA MEET
ME HERE ANY MINUTE NOW
AND TALK ABOUT OUR PLANS FOR THE
SOPHOMORE SPRING DANCE TONIGHT,
SO WOULD YOU FLAKE OFF, PLEASE?
- CAN'T I STAY AROUND AND
WATCH YOU MAKE UP LIES?
- MAKE UP LIES?
MAYNARD, WHAT ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- WELL, THE TICKETS TO THE DANCE
ARE GONNA SET YOU BACK
AROUND 10 BUCKS A HEAD, TRUE?
- TRUE.
- SO FOR THAT MUCH LOOT,
YOU AIN'T TAKING NO
CHICK TO NO DANCE,
AND I WANT TO STICK AROUND
AND WATCH YOU WORM
YOUR WAY OUT OF IT
BY MAKING UP A LOT OF LIES.
- MAYNARD, DO YOU HONESTLY THINK
I'D PULL SUCH A
LOW, SHABBY TRICK?
- YOU BET.
- MAYNARD!
- DON'T YOU?
- YOU BET.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. BUT
THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT
I'VE FIGURED OUT A
VERY CLEVER SCHEME
TO CON MONA OUT OF
GOING TO THE DANCE TONIGHT.
HERE SHE COMES NOW, MY SWEET,
GENTLE, UNSUSPECTING DARLING.
[WOLF WHISTLES]
- AH, MONA, MY ANGEL,
MY TIGER, MY DOVE.
- DROP THE SWEET TALK, BUSTER,
AND LET'S HEAR THE BIG
FAT LIE YOU'VE MADE UP
TO CON ME OUT OF
GOING TO THE DANCE.
[JAZZ THEME]
- I AM BY NATURE AN
EXTREMELY HONEST PERSON.
I'M OPPOSED TO DOUBLE-TALK
AND DECEPTION AND LYING,
EXCEPT TO GIRLS,
AND THAT ISN'T REALLY
LYING, IT'S SALESMANSHIP.
WHAT'S THE USE KIDDING?
WHAT I HAVE IS A SMOOTH LINE
AND THEY SWALLOW IT EVERY TIME.
- NOBODY WOULD
SWALLOW A LINE LIKE THAT
EXCEPT SOME LAME-BRAINED DRIP.
- I SWALLOWED IT.
- SEE? PROOF POSITIVE.
- MAYNARD, DON'T BE SO HELPFUL.
MONA, I'M TELLING YOU THE TRUTH.
THE ONLY REASON I'M NOT
TAKING YOU TO THE DANCE TONIGHT
IS BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT
A LATIN EXAM TOMORROW
AND IF YOU DON'T STUDY
TONIGHT, YOU'LL FLUNK.
- HE'S GOT YOU THERE, GIRL.
- I'LL PASS THAT LATIN
EXAM WITHOUT STUDYING.
- SHE'S GOT YOU THERE, DOBE.
- HOW CAN YOU PASS A
TEST WITHOUT STUDYING?
- YOU GOT ME THERE.
- I'LL PASS BY GETTING THE
ANSWERS OUT OF A PONY.
- A LITTLE HORSE
THAT CAN TALK LATIN?
- MAYNARD, A PONY'S A LATIN BOOK
WITH THE ENGLISH TRANSLATIONS
PRINTED RIGHT UNDER EVERY LINE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
DO THE TRANSLATING,
THE BOOK DOES IT FOR YOU.
- OH, THAT'S DISHONEST
AND UN-LEGAL.
- IT'S DISGRACEFUL.
- WHERE DO I GET ONE?
- NOW, LOOK, DOBIE.
YOU'RE NOT FOOLING
ME FOR ONE MINUTE.
YOU COULDN'T RAISE THE
LOOT TO TAKE ME TO THE DANCE,
SO NOW YOU'RE TRYING TO
ALIBI YOUR WAY OUT OF IT.
- SHE'S GOT YOU THERE, DOBE.
- MAYNARD!
HONEST, MONA, MY LAMB,
I'M CONCERNED ONLY
WITH YOUR WELFARE.
I MEAN, SURELY YOU CAN SEE
THAT CHEATING ON THIS EXAM
COULD START YOU DOWN THE ROAD
TO RUIN AND SELF-DESTRUCTION.
- ME? HA!
- DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE
THE PATTERN?
FIRST A LITTLE
CAREFREE CHEATING,
THEN A PLAYFUL STAB AT LARCENY,
THEN A FRISKY EMBEZZLEMENT,
THEN A HEIST, THEN A HIJACKING,
THEN A FULL-SCALE ROBBERY,
THEN FLIGHT FROM THE POLICE.
TERROR, ALWAYS
RUNNING, ALWAYS AFRAID.
DON'T YOU SEE
WHERE IT ALL WILL END?
- ON THE LATE, LATE
MOVIE WITH JAMES CAGNEY.
- MAYNARD!
- DOBIE, I'D LIKE TO
SAY A FEW WORDS.
- OF COURSE, MY
SWEET, REPENTANT DOVE,
AS MANY WORDS AS YOU WISH.
- JUST TWO. BYE, SUCKER.
- MONA, MY...
IT JUST ISN'T FAIR.
NOBODY IN THIS WHOLE WORLD
BELIEVES IN HONESTY ANYMORE.
- HARK THERE, I
BELIEVE IN HONESTY,
AND I BELIEVE IN
YOU, DOBIE GILLIS,
BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE IN HONESTY.
- YOU, ELOISE McINERNEY,
THE MOST SQUARE-SHOOTING,
MOST DECENT, MOST
SENSITIVE GIRL ON CAMPUS?
- ALSO THE MOST HONEST
AND STRAIGHTFORWARD.
- YOU, ELOISE McINERNEY,
THE THREE-TIME WINNER OF THE
TRUE BLUE AWARD, BELIEVES IN ME?
- SHE'S BUILT GOOD
TOO, FOR A GIRL.
- MAYNARD, PLEASE.
- I OVERHEARD WHAT YOU SAID
TO THAT POOR MISGUIDED GIRL
ABOUT HONESTY,
AND I KNEW INSTANTLY
THAT YOU HAD BECOME A
DECENT, TRUE BLUE UPRIGHT BOY.
- HIM? OH, COME NOW.
- YEAH, ELOISE, I AM, OF COURSE,
FLATTERED BEYOND WORDS,
BUT THIS IS SUCH A SHOCK.
I MEAN, FOR YEARS YOU'VE
HARDLY SPOKEN TO ME.
- TRUE, BUT THAT'S
BECAUSE I REMEMBER
THAT ONCE IN KINDERGARTEN
YOU TOOK THREE COOKIES
FROM THE COOKIE JAR
WHEN THE TEACHER SAID
YOU COULD ONLY HAVE TWO.
- OH, I WAS ONLY A CHILD THEN.
- AS THE TWIG IS BENT,
SO GROWS THE TREE.
AND SINCE I MYSELF AM SO DECENT
AND TRUE BLUE AND SENSITIVE,
I NEVER FORGET ANYTHING
THAT WOULD INDICATE A LACK OF
THESE NOBLE QUALITIES IN OTHERS.
- HOW OBSERVANT. HOW ADMIRABLE.
- HOW SPOOKY.
- DOBIE, TELL ME TRUE,
WHAT WAS IT THAT BROUGHT
ABOUT THIS GREAT CHANGE IN YOU?
- MY UPSTANDING DECENT FAMILY
TRADITION ASSERTED ITSELF.
TAKE MY FATHER...
- NO THANKS, I GOT ONE.
- EH...
DAD'S THE MOST HONEST,
TRUSTWORTHY MAN
IN OUR WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
PEOPLE ADMIRE HIM FOR HIS
FINE, HONORABLE CHARACTER.
- NAME ME ONE PEOPLE.
- COME, ELOISE. I WANT
YOU TO SEE FOR YOURSELF
WHERE I GET MY
ADMIRABLE INNER DECENCY.
I WANT YOU TO MEET MY FATHER,
HONEST HERBERT T. GILLIS.
- NO KIDDING.
YOU MEAN YOU CAN REALLY
FIX THIS TRAFFIC TICKET FOR ME?
- I CAN DO IT, HERB.
MY SISTER-IN-LAW, MARGIE,
WORKS IN THE COURTHOUSE.
SHE YANKS THE
COPY OUT OF THE FILE,
NOBODY KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE.
- I DON'T KNOW. IT SEEMS
KIND OF SHADY, CHARLIE.
- WHAT'S SHADY?
IT'S USING YOUR HEAD.
THE SMART GUYS DON'T
PAY THEIR TRAFFIC TICKETS.
- OH, IT'S ONLY A $10 FINE FOR
PARKING IN A NO-LOADING ZONE,
AND I THINK MAYBE
I BETTER PAY IT.
THANKS ANYHOW.
- HEY, HERB. WHAT'S
GOT INTO YOU?
I MEAN, WHAT ABOUT YOUR HEALTH?
- MY HEALTH?
- YEAH.
PUTTING SOMETHING OVER
ON THE POLICE DEPARTMENT
GIVES SOME GUYS A GOOD
HEALTHY FEELING RIGHT IN HERE.
IT'S EVEN BETTER THAN
A GOOD STEAM BATH.
NOW WHAT ABOUT IT?
- IT KIND OF
BOTHERS ME, CHARLIE.
- HERBERT T. GILLIS,
YOU'RE A GREAT AMERICAN
AND A HECK OF A GOOD SPORT,
SO I'M GONNA CALL MARGIE.
BESIDES, I DON'T WANT NO
LODGE BROTHER OF MINE
PAYING A TICKET.
IT DON'T DO MY
REPUTATION NO GOOD.
I'D LIKE TO TALK TO
MISS MARJORIE RONKIN
AT TRAFFIC COURT.
YEAH, I'LL WAIT.
- HI, DAD, MR. MULCAHEY.
DAD, I'D LIKE YOU TO
MEET ELOISE McINERNEY.
I'VE BEEN TELLING
HER ALL ABOUT YOU.
- WELL, I'M VERY
GLAD TO MEET YOU.
I HOPE YOU DIDN'T
EXAGGERATE TOO MUCH, SON.
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES
IT GETS EMBARRASSING
THE WAY HE IDOLIZES ME.
- HE DOES HAVE GREAT
RESPECT FOR YOU, MR. GILLIS.
- OH, BUT NATCH.
- DAD, I WAS TELLING ELOISE...
- WHAT'S HE BEEN DOING,
BRAGGING ABOUT HOW I KEEP
MYSELF IN TIP-TOP PHYSICAL SHAPE
LIKE A GUY HALF MY AGE?
LISTEN, HIT ME IN THE STOMACH
JUST AS HARD AS YOU CAN.
IT WON'T HURT.
- NO, THANKS, MR. GILLIS.
- DAD, WHAT I WAS BOASTING...
- HEY, HOLD IT. I GOT
MARGIE ON THE LINE.
MARGIE, IT'S CHARLIE.
HEY, LISTEN, YOU REMEMBER
MY FRIEND HERBERT T. GILLIS?
YEAH, THAT'S THE ONE.
- CHARLIE'S FIXING THIS
TRAFFIC TICKET FOR ME.
- OH, ELOISE... ELOISE,
I'VE GOT A GREAT IDEA.
LET'S GO TAKE A WALK
SOME PLACE, HUH?
- HEY, BABY, HOW ABOUT
INVITING ME FOR DINNER?
OKAY.
- I CAN TEAR UP THE
TICKET NOW, CHARLIE?
- TEAR IT UP.
MARGIE'S GONNA TAKE
CARE OF EVERYTHING.
[CHUCKLING]
NEW YEAR'S EVE.
HEY, YOU KNOW, IT DOES
GIVE YOU A GOOD FEELING
SHORTCHANGING CITY
HALL, RIGHT IN THERE.
- MR. GILLIS, I'M ASTOUNDED
AT WHAT I'VE JUST SEEN.
- OH, I DON'T BLAME YOU.
I'M A PRETTY SHREWD
OPERATOR, HUH?
- OH, AND TO THINK,
DOBIE, I BELIEVED IN YOU.
POOR, DECENT,
TRUSTING, SENSITIVE ME.
I'LL NEVER, NEVER HAVE
FAITH IN ANYONE AGAIN.
- ELOISE...
- GOODBYE FOREVER!
- ELOISE, LISTEN, COME BACK!
ELOISE, I'VE GOT TO TALK TO YOU.
- THERE IS NOTHING I CARE
TO HEAR FROM A PERSON
WHO IS NOT HONEST,
DECENT, AND TRUE BLUE.
- YOU BETTER QUIT, DOBE,
SHE'S GOT YOU PEGGED.
- HONEST, ELOISE, I CAN EXPLAIN.
- I KNOW WITHIN
MY SENSITIVE SOUL
THAT IN TIME YOU'LL
BE JUST AS UNWORTHY
AS YOUR SCHEMING,
DISHONEST FATHER.
- YOU BETTER GIVE UP, DOBE.
SHE'S GOT HIM PEGGED TOO.
- ELOISE, DO YOU MEAN
THAT IF MY DAD REFORMED
YOU COULD TRUST ME AGAIN?
- IT'S POSSIBLE.
- AHA.
- AHA! NOW IS WHEN YOU PULL
THE BULL OVER HER EYES, HUH?
- MAYNARD, THAT'S
WOOL, AND QUIET.
ELOISE, MY DOVE, DAD'S
SO SORRY FOR WHAT HE DID
THAT HE'S GONNA
UNFIX THE TICKET.
HE'S GONNA DEMAND THAT HE
BE ALLOWED TO PAY THE FINE
AND TAKE HIS PUNISHMENT.
- OH, HOW WONDERFUL.
I'M THRILLED! I'M PLEASED!
- I'M THUNDER. I'M STRUCK.
- DOBIE, IF YOUR
FATHER PAYS THAT FINE,
I'LL BE CONVINCED HE'S
HONESTLY TRYING TO REFORM.
- ELOISE, THANK YOU
FOR YOUR CONFIDENCE.
IT'S HEARTWARMING TO KNOW
THAT YOU HAVE FAITH IN ME.
- OH, I DO, DOBIE,
COMPLETE AND UTTER FAITH,
AND YOU'LL BRING ME A
RECEIPT FOR THE FINE?
- SURE, SURE.
- GOODBYE.
- GOODBYE. GOODBYE.
- DOBE, DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU
CAN GET YOUR FATHER TO DO THAT,
I MEAN, CONSIDERING
HE'S SO MEAN AND ROTTEN?
- OF COURSE HE'S GONNA DO IT.
DAD MAY BE HARDHEADED SOMETIMES,
BUT HE'LL ALWAYS LISTEN
TO A REASONABLE REQUEST.
- SOMETIMES I AM HARDHEADED,
BUT I WILL ALWAYS LISTEN
TO A REASONABLE REQUEST.
- WHAT I'M REQUESTING IS...
- OKAY, I'VE LISTENED
TO YOUR REQUEST
AND THE ANSWER IS NO.
- DAD.
- NO OFFENSE, BOY, BUT
WHENEVER YOU HAVE A REQUEST
IT ALWAYS WINDS UP
COSTING ME MONEY,
AND WHEN IT COMES TO MONEY,
I AM, WELL, SHALL WE
SAY, CONSERVATIVE?
- WELL, SHALL WE SAY CHEAP?
- LET'S PUT OUR
CARDS ON THE TABLE.
DAD, LOOK AT ME.
WHAT DO YOU SEE?
- OH, A MEDIUM-SIZED
FELLA, WITH...
- MAYNARD.
DAD, WHAT I'M
TRYING TO SAY IS THAT
I'M JUST AN ORDINARY FELLA.
THERE'S NOTHING
EXCEPTIONAL ABOUT ME.
I DON'T HAVE ANY
SPECIAL TALENTS,
I'M NOT EXCEPTIONALLY HANDSOME,
I DON'T HAVE GREAT CONNECTIONS.
- ALSO, YOU'RE NOT TOO BRIGHT.
- WITH THESE QUALIFICATIONS,
YOU WOULDN'T THINK
I'D HAVE MUCH CHANCE
TO GET THE LOVELIEST,
SWEETEST GIRL IN SCHOOL,
BUT I DO.
- OH, ATTABOY, SON.
- IF YOU'LL HELP ME.
- OH, YOU BET I'LL
HELP YOU, BOY.
- OH, THANKS, DAD.
- I KNOW I HAVEN'T ALWAYS
DONE THE BEST BY YOU.
- I'LL BUY THAT.
- BUT I'VE ALWAYS
DONE THE BEST I COULD,
AND IF THERE'S
ANYTHING I CAN DO NOW
TO MAKE UP FOR WHAT I
DIDN'T DO, JUST NAME IT.
- UNFIX THE TICKET.
- UNFIX THE TICKET?
YOUR HEAD, I'LL UNFIX.
- DAD, YOU'VE GOT TO DO IT.
I TOLD ELOISE WHAT AN
HONEST MAN YOU WERE.
THEN I BRING HER IN HERE
AND SHE FINDS
YOU FIXING A TICKET.
WELL, WHO CAN BLAME HER
FOR WALKING OUT ON ME?
DAD, I'VE GOT TO
HAVE ELOISE BACK.
LIFE WITHOUT HER IS
JUST A HOLLOW MOCKERY.
WON'T YOU UNFIX THE
TICKET? FOR ME, DAD?
PLEASE, DAD?
- WHOEVER HEARD
OF UNFIXING A TICKET?
IT'S CRAZY.
- I SEE.
THANKS, DAD.
COME ON, MAYNARD, LET'S GO.
- JUST A MINUTE,
BOY. YOU'RE RIGHT.
THERE I GO AGAIN, ALL
TALK AND NO ACTION,
LIKE USUAL.
I'LL DO IT, SON.
- OH, GREAT.
- YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS FIGURED
THAT THE RIGHT TO FIX TICKETS
WAS ONE OF THE THINGS I
WAS FIGHTING FOR IN WW II,
THAT WAS THE BIG ONE, YOU
KNOW, WITH THE THING AND STUFF,
BUT THIS TIME I
WON'T LET YOU DOWN.
- OH, THANKS, DAD.
YOU WON'T REGRET IT.
IT'LL BE EASY, YOU'LL SEE.
- SURE. IT'S A CINCH
TO FIX A TICKET.
HOW HARD CAN IT
GET TO UNFIX ONE?
- HEY, I WANT TO
PAY A TRAFFIC FINE.
- DAD, I'M PROUD OF YOU.
- OH, YOU SHOULD BE, SON.
I'M A GREAT AMERICAN, AND
A HECK OF A SWELL SPORT.
- LET'S HAVE THE TICKET.
- WELL, WE SEEM TO
HAVE MISPLACED IT.
- OH, NO, MR. G.
DOBE SAID YOU TOOK THE
TICKET AND WENT... HAPPY!
- I'LL DIG OUT THE COPY.
WHAT'S THE NAME?
- KREBS, YOUR CLERKSHIP.
- MAYNARD, PLEASE.
- THE NAME IS GILLIS,
HERBERT T. GILLIS.
JUST TELL ME HOW
MUCH THE FINE IS,
LET ME PAY IT AND
GET OUT OF HERE, HUH?
- GATES, GILLHULIE,
GIMMERHORN, GLUCK.
NOPE. NO TICKET FOR GILLIS.
- HEY, THAT MARGE
REALLY COME THROUGH.
LET'S GO, SON, I'M A FREE MAN.
- COULD MY FATHER
HAVE A RECEIPT, PLEASE?
- LOOK, SONNY.
I CAN'T GIVE HIM A RECEIPT
UNLESS HE PAYS THE FINE,
AND HE HASN'T, SO GOODBYE.
- BUT HE WANTS TO PAY YOU $10.
- YOU BETTER GRAB
THE LOOT QUICK, LADY.
THIS IS A TELEVISION FIRST.
- NO OFFENSE, FRIEND,
BUT I'VE GOT WORK TO DO.
- MA'AM, THE RECEIPT, PLEASE?
- WEREN'T YOU PAYING ATTENTION?
NO TICKET, NO FINE.
NO FINE, NO MONEY.
NO MONEY, NO RECEIPT. GOODBYE.
- NOW, JUST A DARN MINUTE.
WHAT KIND OF
DISCRIMINATION IS THIS?
I HAPPEN TO BE A
CITIZEN, AND A TAXPAYER,
AND A VETERAN WITH THE
GOOD CONDUCT MEDAL,
AND I GOT JUST AS MUCH RIGHT
TO BE PUNISHED AND PAY A FINE
AS ANY OTHER CRIMINAL.
- OH, NO. YOU'RE NOT
GETTING A RECEIPT
UNTIL I SEE SOME GOOD
GREEN CASH RIGHT IN MY HAND.
- OH-HO, SO THAT'S
HOW IT IS, HUH?
- WHAT, DAD?
- LISTEN, THAT WEEPING WILLOW
OF YOURS THINKS I'M A CROOK?
BRING HER DOWN HERE
AND INTRODUCE HER TO
THE BRIDE OF JESSE JAMES.
HOW ABOUT A $10
RECEIPT FOR 15 BUCKS?
- YOU'RE KIDDING.
- 20?
- NOW, LOOK HERE.
- 25 AND THAT'S MY FINAL OFFER.
- HOLD THE PHONE. I
GOTTA GET THIS STRAIGHT.
YOU'LL GIVE ME $25 IF I GIVE
YOU A RECEIPT FOR A $10 FINE?
- RIGHT.
- RIGHT.
- HM. THIS SOUNDS FISHY.
- NEVER MIND THAT.
HAVE WE GOT A DEAL?
- WAIT RIGHT HERE, HUH?
I'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE
WITH THE RECEIPT.
- DAD, THIS IS SURE
BIGHEARTED OF YOU.
- YEAH. $25 WORTH OF BIGHEARTED.
SON, WHEN YOU ARE DEALING
WITH HERBERT T. GILLIS,
YOU ARE DEALING
WITH A BIG OPERATOR.
- BIG-TIME OPERATOR, HUH?
ALREADY HE LOOKS SUSPICIOUS.
- THAT'S THE MAN, OFFICER,
THE ONE WITH THE SNEAKY FACE.
- YOU RANG?
- NO, THE OTHER SNEAKY FACE.
- WHAT? NOW, LISTEN HERE...
- HE DON'T LOOK TOO
BRIGHT, MRS. QUIMBY,
YOU SURE HE'S THE
BRAINS OF THE GANG?
- HE MUST BE. LOOK
AT THE OTHER TWO.
- HE'S THE BRAINS.
OKAY, BIG-TIME OPERATOR,
WHAT'S THIS CAPER
YOU'RE TRYING TO PULL
WITH THE TRAFFIC
TICKET RECEIPTS?
- WHAT CAPER?
I'M JUST TRYING TO PAY A
TRAFFIC FINE, THAT'S ALL.
- YOU WANT TO PAY 25 BUCKS
FOR A 10-BUCK RECEIPT, RIGHT?
- RIGHT.
THIS THING COULD BE BIGGER
THAN THE BRINKS ROBBERY.
I CAN'T EVEN FIGURE
OUT WHAT THE CRIME IS.
- SOMETHING EVIL IS GOING
ON INSIDE THAT CRIMINAL HEAD.
LOOK AT THE LOOK IN
THEM BEADY LITTLE EYES.
- BEADY LITTLE EYES?
THEY ARE BIG AND BLUE
AND I'VE GOT THEM ON YOU,
SO COME ON, NOW.
- OH, THIS THING'S TOO
BIG FOR ME TO HANDLE.
I'M GONNA HAUL
THEM ON DOWN TO JAIL.
- JAIL?
- BREAD AND WATERSVILLE?
- TAKE US TO JAIL?
YOU SHOULD LIVE SO LONG.
DON'T WORRY, MEN. THEY
WON'T TAKE US TO JAIL.
THEY CAN'T DO IT.
THEY DID IT.
♪ STONE WALLS DO
NOT A PRISON MAKE ♪
♪ NOR IRON BARS... ♪
- MAYNARD, PLEASE.
YOUR SINGING WILL GET US
THROWN INTO SOLITARY CONFINEMENT.
- WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?
- HEY, YOU BETTER LET
US OUT OF HERE, CHIEF,
OR YOU ARE GOING
TO GET INTO TROUBLE.
- BIG TROUBLE.
- WE'LL CALL A COP.
- OH, A SMART ALECK, HUH?
- ME? OH, COME NOW.
- IT'S MY DUTY AS
CHIEF OF POLICE
TO FIND OUT WHAT KIND
OF A CROOKED SCHEME
YOU CROOKS ARE
TRYING TO COOK UP.
- WHAT CROOKS? WHAT
CROOKED SCHEME?
NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME.
YOU OPEN THIS DOOR AND LET
US OUT OF HERE ON THE DOUBLE,
OR WE WILL GO TO THE
DISTRICT ATTORNEY.
- WE'LL GO TO THE
POLICE COMMISSIONER,
TO THE MAYOR.
- I'LL TELL MY MOTHER.
- NOW, HEAR ME GOOD.
IN MY 30 YEARS ON
THE POLICE FORCE,
MAN AND BOY, I'VE NEVER COME
UP AGAINST SUCH A SCREWY CASE.
- CHIEF...
- PAYING 25 BUCKS
FOR A $10 RECEIPT.
MUST BE SOME BRILLIANT
SCHEME FOR BILKING THE PUBLIC,
BUT WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
- CHIEF...
- I'VE GOT TO FIND OUT.
IT'S DRIVING ME BATTY.
COME ON, NOW, CONFESS
BEFORE I THROW AWAY THE KEYS,
YOU CONNIVING CHISELERS.
- CHIEF, GIVE ME A CHANCE,
AND I'LL EXPLAIN EXACTLY...
- CHIEF, HERE'S THE ANSWERS
TO THAT ALL-POINTS BULLETIN
I PUT OUT ON THESE SUSPECTS.
- UH-HUH.
- UH-HUH.
- UH-HUH.
- OH-OH.
- I WIRED THEIR DESCRIPTION
TO 40 MAJOR CITIES.
- SO? SO? SO?
- NOTHING ON THESE TWO.
- WHAT ABOUT THE ONE ON THE END?
- 18 CITIES WIRED BACK HIS
DESCRIPTION WAS IMPOSSIBLE.
- WELL, YOU GOT TO
BE GOOD AT SOMETHING.
- YOU'VE BEEN GETTING AWAY
WITH MURDER UP TO NOW, HUH?
FROM NOW ON IT'S
GONNA BE DIFFERENT.
YOU'RE UP AGAINST SOMEBODY
THAT'S TOUGH AND SHARP
AND 100% ON THE BALL.
- NOW IS WHEN YOU BEAT HIM
WITH THE RUBBER HOSE, HUH, CHIEF?
- NEVER MIND.
HOW DO YOU DO IT?
SOME CLEVER SCHEME, HUH?
HOW DO YOU DO IT?
COME ON, TELL ME, PLEASE?
- DON'T YOU SEE, CHIEF,
THERE'S NO EXPLANATION FOR
WHAT WE DID EXCEPT THE TRUTH.
- YEAH, ALL WE WERE TRYING
TO DO WAS GET A RECEIPT
FOR THIS POOR LITTLE
ELOISE McINERNEY, SO THAT...
- GILLIS, I'M GETTING
SICK OF THAT STORY.
- CHIEF, YOU HAVE TO LET US
GO. YOU'VE GOT NO EVIDENCE.
- YEAH?
I'M KEEPING YOU
LOCKED UP IN HERE...
OH, THEY'RE RIGHT.
I KNOW IN MY BONES THEY'RE
UP TO SOME DIABOLICAL SCHEME,
BUT WHAT CAN WE PROVE?
ALL RIGHT, GILLIS.
I'M RELEASING YOU AND
YOUR GANG FOR NOW.
- AND THAT'S THE FIRST SMART
THING YOU'VE DONE ALL DAY.
- WATCH THAT GLOATING, GILLIS,
BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO
BE WATCHING YOU LIKE A HAWK.
- LIKE A WHOLE
ROOM FULL OF HAWKS.
LIKE A WHOLE POLICE
FORCE OF HAWKS.
GILLIS, YOU'RE DRIVING ME
CRAZY, SO I'M WARNING YOU,
I DON'T CARE IF
IT TAKES 10 YEARS,
I'M GONNA FIND OUT
WHAT YOU'RE UP TO.
- CHIEF, WHEN YOU FIND OUT,
WILL YOU PLEASE TELL US?
- AH, ELOISE, MY DEAR,
HERE I AM, RIGHT ON TIME.
- WITH A RECEIPT FOR YOUR
FATHER'S TRAFFIC TICKET?
- WELL, THE IMPORTANT
THING IS THAT I'M RIGHT ON TIME,
ISN'T IT?
I MEAN, PROMPTNESS
IS A GREAT VIRTUE.
- AND NEATNESS
TOO. I MEAN, TAKE ME.
- THE RECEIPT,
DOBIE, WHERE IS IT?
- ELOISE, YOU LOOK DIVINE.
LET'S NOT WASTE SUCH BEAUTY,
SUCH GRACE, SUCH ELEGANCE
ON THIS SHABBY CAMPUS.
COME, MY SWEET, LET'S
TASTE ALL THE PLEASURES
THIS GREAT METROPOLIS
HAS TO OFFER.
- NO.
- YOU DON'T WANT TO GO?
- I'LL GO.
- THE RECEIPT,
DOBIE, YOU'VE GOT IT?
- WELL, NOT WITH ME.
- WHY NOT?
- IT'S KIND OF HARD TO EXPLAIN.
- NO IT ISN'T, DOBE.
WHAT HAPPENED...
- MAYNARD.
ELOISE, I DON'T QUITE
KNOW HOW TO PUT IT.
- I DO. YOU LIED TO ME.
- OH, NO. NO. NO. NO.
- SO WHERE'S THE RECEIPT?
- SHE'S GOT YOU
THERE, GOOD BUDDY.
- WELL, IT'S...
- YOU'LL HAVE IT FOR
ME TOMORROW, RIGHT?
- RIGHT.
- DOBIE, DOBIE, I'M
SO DISAPPOINTED.
TO THINK I'VE BEEN GOING
THROUGH LIFE LIKE DIOGENES.
- WHO?
- YOU DON'T KNOW
WHO DIOGENES IS?
- GIRL, I JUST FOUND OUT LAST
WEEK WHO HARRY TRUMAN IS.
- DIOGENES WAS A GREEK.
- HARRY TRUMAN IS A DEMOCRAT.
- DIOGENES, I SAY,
WAS AN ANCIENT GREEK
WHO SEARCHED THE
WHOLE WIDE WORLD
NIGHT AND DAY, HIGH AND LOW,
LOOKING FOR AN HONEST
MAN, JUST LIKE I DID.
AND FOR A MOMENT, DOBIE, I
THOUGHT YOU WERE THE ONE.
- HIM? OH, COME NOW.
- WELL, I CAN SEE I WAS
WRONG. FAREWELL, DOBIE.
- ELOISE...
- NO, IT'S NO USE.
- I'LL HAVE THE
RECEIPT TOMORROW.
I SWEAR IT.
- YOU WILL?
- AS I LIVE AND BREATHE.
- ALL RIGHT, I'LL GIVE YOU ONE
MORE CHANCE, BUT JUST ONE.
- OH, YOU'RE ALL HEART, ELOISE.
- EXCEPT FOR HER
FURRY EYELASHES.
- TOMORROW YOU'LL
HAVE THAT RECEIPT,
OR IT'S ABSOLUTELY,
POSITIVELY THE END.
- YEAH, I'LL HAVE
IT. I'LL HAVE IT.
- SEE THAT YOU DO.
- MAYNARD, I'M GONNA GET THAT
RECEIPT FOR ELOISE TOMORROW.
- NO, YOU'RE NOT.
- YES, I AM.
- NO, YOU'RE NOT.
- NO, I'M NOT.
- I REST MY CASE.
- NO, MAYNARD.
- BACK TO OLD MISERYVILLE.
- NOT AS LONG AS THERE'S
BREATH IN THIS STUBBORN BODY.
ELOISE IS THE MOST
IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE,
AND I'M GONNA GET
THAT RECEIPT FOR HER,
AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME.
NOTHING, DO YOU HEAR? NOTHING.
- DOBE, YOU WERE TELLING ME
HOW NOTHING WAS GONNA STOP YOU.
- MAYNARD, NEVER MIND.
- DOBE?
- WHAT?
- HOW LONG YOU BEEN A RAT?
- MAYNARD, I CAN'T AFFORD
TO LOSE BOTH OF THEM.
BUT WHAT ELOISE
WANTS IS AN HONEST MAN.
- THAT LETS YOU OUT.
- WHAT MONA WANTS IS
SOMEBODY SNEAKY AND CROOKED
AND DISHONEST.
- THAT LETS YOU BACK IN.
- YOU BET.
I KNOW EXACTLY HOW
I'M GONNA GET HER.
- LIKE, HOW?
- LIKE, WATCH.
AH, MONA, MY LOVELY, I'VE
BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOU.
- NATURALLY. ALL THE BOYS DO.
- I'VE ALSO BEEN THINKING
ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID YESTERDAY.
OH, YOU'RE SO RIGHT, MONA,
HONESTY'S FOR SUCKERS.
- OH, BUT YESTERDAY...
- THAT WAS YESTERDAY.
TODAY, THANKS TO
YOU, MY EYES ARE OPEN.
TODAY I'M A NEW MAN,
RUTHLESS, CORRUPT,
CROOKED AS A DOG'S HIND LEG.
- HEY, I ONCE FOUND
A LITTLE LOST DOG,
BUT HE DIDN'T HAVE
A CROOKED HIND LEG.
OH, HE WAS A CUTE
LITTLE LOST DOGGY.
HE HAD CUTE LITTLE LEGS
AND HE HAD A CUTE LITTLE NOSE,
AND A CUTE LITTLE TAIL
AND A CUTE LITTLE BADGE.
- CUTE LITTLE BADGE?
- HE WAS A POLICE DOG.
- MAYNARD, SAYONARA.
- OH, MAN, I SURE DID
LOVE THAT LITTLE LOST DOG.
YOU KNOW, AND HE LOVED ME TOO.
I MEAN, HE'D LICK MY
FACE AND I'D LICK HIS FACE.
HE BRUNG ME STICKS
AND I BRUNG HIM STICKS.
MAN, I SURE WISH I COULD
HAVE TAKEN HIM HOME.
- WELL, WHY COULDN'T YOU?
- MONA, YOU'LL REGRET THIS.
- OH, BUT I'M INTERESTED.
MAYNARD, WHY COULDN'T YOU
TAKE THE LITTLE LOST DOG HOME?
- I WAS LOST TOO.
- I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.
- YEAH. NOW, WHERE WAS I?
- YOU WERE CROOKED
AS A DOG'S HIND LEG.
- HEY, DID I EVER TELL YOU
ABOUT THAT LITTLE LOST...
- YES.
- GO ON, DOBIE.
- LIKE YOU SAY, MONA,
HONESTY IS FOR SUCKERS.
BOY, AM I GLAD I KICKED IT.
NOW ALL I DO IS CHEAT
AND STEAL AND CONNIVE...
- AND LIE?
- YEAH. ALL THE TIME.
THE TRUTH NEVER PASSES MY LIPS.
- HONEST?
- HONEST.
- YOU'RE LYING.
- NO, MONA. HONEST, I'M
TELLING YOU THE TRUTH.
- WELL, YOU JUST SAID THAT THE
TRUTH NEVER PASSES YOUR LIPS.
- YEAH. HOW ABOUT THAT, DOBE?
- WERE YOU LYING WHEN
YOU SAID YOU WERE LYING?
- NO. I WAS TELLING THE TRUTH.
- WELL, THEN YOU WEREN'T LYING.
- I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED.
- OH, IT'S REAL, REAL
SIMPLE, GOOD BUDDY.
YOU SEE, IF YOU WERE LYING
WHEN YOU SAID YOU WERE LYING,
THEN YOU WERE TELLING
THE TRUTH, WHICH IS A LIE.
AND IF YOU'RE LYING WHEN
YOU'RE TELLING THE TRUTH,
IT HAS TO BE A LIE
BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS A
LIE WHEN YOU TELL THE TRUTH
IF A TRUTH AND A LIE...
- MONA, COULD WE START AGAIN?
- NO, DOBIE. WE COULD
NOT START AGAIN.
IF THERE'S ANYTHING WORSE
THAN A GOOD, HONEST MAN,
IT'S A BAD, DISHONEST MAN,
AND YOU, MY FRIEND, ARE BOTH.
GOODBYE.
- THANKS A LOT, PAL.
- OH, YOU DON'T WANT HER
ANYHOW. SHE'S A SNEAK AND A LIAR.
- TRUE.
- SO ARE YOU. NO OFFENSE.
- NO OFFENSE.
- SO NOW WHAT?
- SO NOW I'VE GOT
TO GET ELOISE BACK.
- BUT TO GET ELOISE BACK...
- I'VE GOT TO MAKE MY
FATHER GET A RECEIPT
FOR THAT TRAFFIC TICKET.
- ANY IDEAS?
- NOT A ONE. YOU?
- ME? OH, COME NOW.
- MAYBE DAD WILL HAVE AN IDEA.
- HIM? OH, COME NOW.
- IT'S POSSIBLE.
- POSSIBLE, MY EYE.
I TELL YOU THAT THIS TIME I
GOT AN IDEA THAT CAN'T MISS.
WELL, SON, LET'S
PUT IT THIS WAY.
IT MAY BE JUST A LITTLE
SNEAKY, BUT IT CAN'T MISS.
- I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT.
- MM-HM. WELL, THIS
ONE IS REALLY A LULU.
- YEAH. YEAH.
- IT IS A GEM.
- MR. G., YOU CAN'T PARK
THERE, YOU'LL GET A TICKET.
- THAT'S MY IDEA.
- HUH?
- OH, GOOD THINKING,
MAYNARD. YOU'RE A BRIGHT BOY.
- ME? OH, COME NOW.
- OH, I GET IT, DAD.
WHEN I GIVE THE
RECEIPT FOR THE TICKET
YOU'RE GOING TO GET
RIGHT NOW TO ELOISE,
SHE'LL THINK WE DID
EXACTLY WHAT WE PROMISED.
- RIGHT. I GOT IT UP HERE, HUH?
- GEE, I GOTTA GIVE
IT TO YOU, MR. G.
YOU'VE GOT ONE OF THE
GREATEST CRIMINAL MINDS
IN THE WHOLE NORTH
AMERICAN CONTINENT.
- NEVER MIND THE
COMPLIMENTS, MAYNARD.
HEY, HERE COMES GOGERTY NOW.
SEE HOW THEY'RE ALWAYS
JOHNNY-ON-THE-SPOT
WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING
WRONG? OH, WE'RE IN.
HEY LOOK, GOGERTY, I
PARKED IN A NO-PARKING ZONE.
WHERE'S MY TICKET, HUH?
- OH, NO.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, OH, NO?
- I MEAN, NEGATIVE, UH-UH.
NOT ON YOUR LIFE.
I WOULDN'T GIVE YOU A TICKET
IF YOU PARKED YOUR TRUCK
IN THE MAYOR'S KITCHEN.
- WHAT KIND OF A PUBLIC
SERVANT ARE YOU?
- THE KIND THAT OBEYS ORDERS,
AND MY ORDERS SAY NOT TO
GET MESSED UP WITH YOU BIRDS
UNTIL WE FIGURE OUT
WHAT YOU'RE UP TO.
SO LONG.
- NOW, JUST A DARN MINUTE.
I AM A PEACEFUL,
LAW BREAKING CITIZEN,
AND I GOT RIGHTS.
- TOUGH.
- HEY, HERB.
HERB, I'VE BEEN LOOKING
ALL OVER FOR YOU.
- WELL, I AIN'T BEEN LOOKING
FOR YOU, SO GOODBYE, CHARLIE.
- YOU BETTER STAND HERE
AND YOU BETTER LISTEN TO ME.
- LISTEN TO YOU? I'M
THROUGH LISTENING TO YOU.
I SHOULD HAVE NEVER LISTENED
TO YOU ABOUT FIXING THAT TICKET.
- THAT'S WHAT I'M
TRYING TO TELL YOU.
THE TICKET WAS NEVER FIXED.
- BUT YOU SAID THAT
YOUR SISTER-IN-LAW
WAS GONNA GO DOWN THERE AND...
- MARGIE DIDN'T FIX THE TICKET.
SHE SAID SHE WAS GONNA.
SHE EVEN WENT SO FAR AS TO
TAKE THE COPY OUT OF THE FILE
AND PUT IT IN HER PURSE.
- SO WHAT HAPPENED?
- WELL, HERB, WHEN
SHE LEFT WORK,
SHE WAS KIND OF
LIKE WALKING ALONG
AND SHE CAME TO
A PRAYER MEETING.
SHE WAS KIND OF
JUST STANDING THERE,
YOU KNOW, LISTENING,
AND SHE GOT TO THINKING MAYBE
SHE WAS DOING SOMETHING WRONG.
SO SHE WENT UP TO THE
TOP OF POWDER HORN HILL,
YOU KNOW, SIT AROUND,
COMMUNE WITH NATURE,
SEARCH HER SOUL.
- SO WHAT'S SHE'S FINDING?
- SHE FOUND OUT SHE WAS
DOING SOMETHING WRONG.
SO SHE SAID SHE WAS GONNA
PUT THE COPY BACK IN THE FILE,
EXCEPT WHEN SHE'S UP ON
TOP OF POWDER HORN HILL,
SHE GETS A COLD
AND HAS TO GO TO BED.
LIQUID DIET.
- BUT SHE'S BACK
AT WORK NOW, HUH?
- SHE IS BACK AT WORK.
THE COPY'S BACK IN THE FILE.
HERB, SHE TOLD ME TO
TELL YOU SHE WAS SORRY,
BUT SHE HAS TO
LIVE WITH HER SOUL.
NOW, YOU'LL UNDERSTAND, HUH?
- DAD, NOW YOU CAN
PAY THE FINE AFTER ALL.
- YEAH. AIN'T THAT WONDERFUL?
THEY GOTTA TAKE
MY MONEY THIS TIME.
COME ON, BOY, LET'S GET DOWNTOWN
AND STRAIGHTEN
THIS THING OUT, HUH?
- HEY, ALL THAT TALK
YOU GAVE US BEFORE
ABOUT TRYING TO FIX A TICKET,
IT WAS TRUE ALL THE TIME, HUH?
- SURE IT WAS.
WE WANTED THE RECEIPT FOR
THIS SWEET, SENSITIVE GIRL.
- THEN YOU'RE NOT A GANG OF
SLICK INTERNATIONAL CRIMINALS?
- US? OH, COME NOW.
- I KNEW IT ALL THE TIME. ALL
TOGETHER THE THREE OF YOU
COULDN'T FOOL A PATROL
OF CAMPFIRE GIRLS.
- WELL, THANKS A
LOT. COME ON, SON.
- JUST A MINUTE, GILLIS. DO
YOU SEE THAT NO PARKING SIGN?
- WE WERE JUST LEAVING.
- JUST LEAVING
AIN'T SOON ENOUGH.
I'M WRITING YOU A
TICKET FOR JUST TOO LATE.
- BUT WE DON'T
NEED A TICKET NOW.
FORGET IT.
- FORGET IT NOTHING.
I'M WRITING YOU A TICKET
FOR ILLEGAL PARKING,
FOR VIOLATION OF SECTION 208,
PARKED ON THE WRONG SIDE
OF THE STREET, FOR SECTION 74...
- YOU DO HAVE THE
RECEIPT FOR THAT TICKET,
DON'T YOU, DOBIE?
- BUT OF COURSE, MY
SWEET, AND THEN SOME.
- NOW TELL ME EXACTLY
WHAT HAPPENED, DOBIE,
THE TRUTH, REMEMBER.
ONE FALSE WORD AND I'M
WALKING OUT ON YOU FOREVER.
- MY ANGEL, I WOULD NEVER
MUTTER A WORD IN YOUR PRESENCE
THAT WAS NOT THE UTTER TRUTH.
YOU SEE, DAD WENT DOWN TO
THE COURTHOUSE TO PAY HIS FINE,
AND THEY THOUGHT HE WAS THE
BRAINS OF A VERY CLEVER GANG
AND THEY TOOK HIM
DOWN TO HEADQUARTERS.
BOY, IT WAS EXCITING.
THE CHIEF THOUGHT HE
WAS A BIG INTERNATIONAL...
ELOISE, COME
BACK. LOOK, ELOISE...
MAYNARD, I WAS
TELLING THE TRUTH.
WHY WOULDN'T SHE BELIEVE ME?
- WOULD YOU?
- NO.
- I REST MY CASE.
- WHAT'S THE USE?
I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY LUCK.
- WELL, CHEER UP, GOOD
BUDDY. YOU STILL GOT ME.
- YEAH. LIKE I SAY, I JUST
DON'T HAVE ANY LUCK.
- GOODBYE, MAYNARD.
- NO, DOBE. YOU GOT
IT ALL BACKWARDS.
YOU'RE ONLY SUPPOSED TO
SAY GOODBYE TO SOMEBODY
WHEN THEY'RE LEAVING.
- GOOD THINKING.
GOODBYE, MAYNARD.
- HOW CAN YOU BE SO MEAN
TO SUCH A SWEET LOVABLE...
OH, WHAT A DUMB
QUESTION. WHAT'S HER NAME?
- MONA MONAGHAN,
AND MAYNARD, SHE'S THE
LOVELIEST CREATURE YOU EVER SAW.
- AREN'T THEY ALL?
- NO. THIS ONE'S DIFFERENT.
- AREN'T THEY ALL?
- NEVER MIND.
ANYHOW, SHE'S GONNA MEET
ME HERE ANY MINUTE NOW
AND TALK ABOUT OUR PLANS FOR THE
SOPHOMORE SPRING DANCE TONIGHT,
SO WOULD YOU FLAKE OFF, PLEASE?
- CAN'T I STAY AROUND AND
WATCH YOU MAKE UP LIES?
- MAKE UP LIES?
MAYNARD, WHAT ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- WELL, THE TICKETS TO THE DANCE
ARE GONNA SET YOU BACK
AROUND 10 BUCKS A HEAD, TRUE?
- TRUE.
- SO FOR THAT MUCH LOOT,
YOU AIN'T TAKING NO
CHICK TO NO DANCE,
AND I WANT TO STICK AROUND
AND WATCH YOU WORM
YOUR WAY OUT OF IT
BY MAKING UP A LOT OF LIES.
- MAYNARD, DO YOU HONESTLY THINK
I'D PULL SUCH A
LOW, SHABBY TRICK?
- YOU BET.
- MAYNARD!
- DON'T YOU?
- YOU BET.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. BUT
THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT
I'VE FIGURED OUT A
VERY CLEVER SCHEME
TO CON MONA OUT OF
GOING TO THE DANCE TONIGHT.
HERE SHE COMES NOW, MY SWEET,
GENTLE, UNSUSPECTING DARLING.
[WOLF WHISTLES]
- AH, MONA, MY ANGEL,
MY TIGER, MY DOVE.
- DROP THE SWEET TALK, BUSTER,
AND LET'S HEAR THE BIG
FAT LIE YOU'VE MADE UP
TO CON ME OUT OF
GOING TO THE DANCE.
[JAZZ THEME]
- I AM BY NATURE AN
EXTREMELY HONEST PERSON.
I'M OPPOSED TO DOUBLE-TALK
AND DECEPTION AND LYING,
EXCEPT TO GIRLS,
AND THAT ISN'T REALLY
LYING, IT'S SALESMANSHIP.
WHAT'S THE USE KIDDING?
WHAT I HAVE IS A SMOOTH LINE
AND THEY SWALLOW IT EVERY TIME.
- NOBODY WOULD
SWALLOW A LINE LIKE THAT
EXCEPT SOME LAME-BRAINED DRIP.
- I SWALLOWED IT.
- SEE? PROOF POSITIVE.
- MAYNARD, DON'T BE SO HELPFUL.
MONA, I'M TELLING YOU THE TRUTH.
THE ONLY REASON I'M NOT
TAKING YOU TO THE DANCE TONIGHT
IS BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT
A LATIN EXAM TOMORROW
AND IF YOU DON'T STUDY
TONIGHT, YOU'LL FLUNK.
- HE'S GOT YOU THERE, GIRL.
- I'LL PASS THAT LATIN
EXAM WITHOUT STUDYING.
- SHE'S GOT YOU THERE, DOBE.
- HOW CAN YOU PASS A
TEST WITHOUT STUDYING?
- YOU GOT ME THERE.
- I'LL PASS BY GETTING THE
ANSWERS OUT OF A PONY.
- A LITTLE HORSE
THAT CAN TALK LATIN?
- MAYNARD, A PONY'S A LATIN BOOK
WITH THE ENGLISH TRANSLATIONS
PRINTED RIGHT UNDER EVERY LINE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
DO THE TRANSLATING,
THE BOOK DOES IT FOR YOU.
- OH, THAT'S DISHONEST
AND UN-LEGAL.
- IT'S DISGRACEFUL.
- WHERE DO I GET ONE?
- NOW, LOOK, DOBIE.
YOU'RE NOT FOOLING
ME FOR ONE MINUTE.
YOU COULDN'T RAISE THE
LOOT TO TAKE ME TO THE DANCE,
SO NOW YOU'RE TRYING TO
ALIBI YOUR WAY OUT OF IT.
- SHE'S GOT YOU THERE, DOBE.
- MAYNARD!
HONEST, MONA, MY LAMB,
I'M CONCERNED ONLY
WITH YOUR WELFARE.
I MEAN, SURELY YOU CAN SEE
THAT CHEATING ON THIS EXAM
COULD START YOU DOWN THE ROAD
TO RUIN AND SELF-DESTRUCTION.
- ME? HA!
- DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE
THE PATTERN?
FIRST A LITTLE
CAREFREE CHEATING,
THEN A PLAYFUL STAB AT LARCENY,
THEN A FRISKY EMBEZZLEMENT,
THEN A HEIST, THEN A HIJACKING,
THEN A FULL-SCALE ROBBERY,
THEN FLIGHT FROM THE POLICE.
TERROR, ALWAYS
RUNNING, ALWAYS AFRAID.
DON'T YOU SEE
WHERE IT ALL WILL END?
- ON THE LATE, LATE
MOVIE WITH JAMES CAGNEY.
- MAYNARD!
- DOBIE, I'D LIKE TO
SAY A FEW WORDS.
- OF COURSE, MY
SWEET, REPENTANT DOVE,
AS MANY WORDS AS YOU WISH.
- JUST TWO. BYE, SUCKER.
- MONA, MY...
IT JUST ISN'T FAIR.
NOBODY IN THIS WHOLE WORLD
BELIEVES IN HONESTY ANYMORE.
- HARK THERE, I
BELIEVE IN HONESTY,
AND I BELIEVE IN
YOU, DOBIE GILLIS,
BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE IN HONESTY.
- YOU, ELOISE McINERNEY,
THE MOST SQUARE-SHOOTING,
MOST DECENT, MOST
SENSITIVE GIRL ON CAMPUS?
- ALSO THE MOST HONEST
AND STRAIGHTFORWARD.
- YOU, ELOISE McINERNEY,
THE THREE-TIME WINNER OF THE
TRUE BLUE AWARD, BELIEVES IN ME?
- SHE'S BUILT GOOD
TOO, FOR A GIRL.
- MAYNARD, PLEASE.
- I OVERHEARD WHAT YOU SAID
TO THAT POOR MISGUIDED GIRL
ABOUT HONESTY,
AND I KNEW INSTANTLY
THAT YOU HAD BECOME A
DECENT, TRUE BLUE UPRIGHT BOY.
- HIM? OH, COME NOW.
- YEAH, ELOISE, I AM, OF COURSE,
FLATTERED BEYOND WORDS,
BUT THIS IS SUCH A SHOCK.
I MEAN, FOR YEARS YOU'VE
HARDLY SPOKEN TO ME.
- TRUE, BUT THAT'S
BECAUSE I REMEMBER
THAT ONCE IN KINDERGARTEN
YOU TOOK THREE COOKIES
FROM THE COOKIE JAR
WHEN THE TEACHER SAID
YOU COULD ONLY HAVE TWO.
- OH, I WAS ONLY A CHILD THEN.
- AS THE TWIG IS BENT,
SO GROWS THE TREE.
AND SINCE I MYSELF AM SO DECENT
AND TRUE BLUE AND SENSITIVE,
I NEVER FORGET ANYTHING
THAT WOULD INDICATE A LACK OF
THESE NOBLE QUALITIES IN OTHERS.
- HOW OBSERVANT. HOW ADMIRABLE.
- HOW SPOOKY.
- DOBIE, TELL ME TRUE,
WHAT WAS IT THAT BROUGHT
ABOUT THIS GREAT CHANGE IN YOU?
- MY UPSTANDING DECENT FAMILY
TRADITION ASSERTED ITSELF.
TAKE MY FATHER...
- NO THANKS, I GOT ONE.
- EH...
DAD'S THE MOST HONEST,
TRUSTWORTHY MAN
IN OUR WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
PEOPLE ADMIRE HIM FOR HIS
FINE, HONORABLE CHARACTER.
- NAME ME ONE PEOPLE.
- COME, ELOISE. I WANT
YOU TO SEE FOR YOURSELF
WHERE I GET MY
ADMIRABLE INNER DECENCY.
I WANT YOU TO MEET MY FATHER,
HONEST HERBERT T. GILLIS.
- NO KIDDING.
YOU MEAN YOU CAN REALLY
FIX THIS TRAFFIC TICKET FOR ME?
- I CAN DO IT, HERB.
MY SISTER-IN-LAW, MARGIE,
WORKS IN THE COURTHOUSE.
SHE YANKS THE
COPY OUT OF THE FILE,
NOBODY KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE.
- I DON'T KNOW. IT SEEMS
KIND OF SHADY, CHARLIE.
- WHAT'S SHADY?
IT'S USING YOUR HEAD.
THE SMART GUYS DON'T
PAY THEIR TRAFFIC TICKETS.
- OH, IT'S ONLY A $10 FINE FOR
PARKING IN A NO-LOADING ZONE,
AND I THINK MAYBE
I BETTER PAY IT.
THANKS ANYHOW.
- HEY, HERB. WHAT'S
GOT INTO YOU?
I MEAN, WHAT ABOUT YOUR HEALTH?
- MY HEALTH?
- YEAH.
PUTTING SOMETHING OVER
ON THE POLICE DEPARTMENT
GIVES SOME GUYS A GOOD
HEALTHY FEELING RIGHT IN HERE.
IT'S EVEN BETTER THAN
A GOOD STEAM BATH.
NOW WHAT ABOUT IT?
- IT KIND OF
BOTHERS ME, CHARLIE.
- HERBERT T. GILLIS,
YOU'RE A GREAT AMERICAN
AND A HECK OF A GOOD SPORT,
SO I'M GONNA CALL MARGIE.
BESIDES, I DON'T WANT NO
LODGE BROTHER OF MINE
PAYING A TICKET.
IT DON'T DO MY
REPUTATION NO GOOD.
I'D LIKE TO TALK TO
MISS MARJORIE RONKIN
AT TRAFFIC COURT.
YEAH, I'LL WAIT.
- HI, DAD, MR. MULCAHEY.
DAD, I'D LIKE YOU TO
MEET ELOISE McINERNEY.
I'VE BEEN TELLING
HER ALL ABOUT YOU.
- WELL, I'M VERY
GLAD TO MEET YOU.
I HOPE YOU DIDN'T
EXAGGERATE TOO MUCH, SON.
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES
IT GETS EMBARRASSING
THE WAY HE IDOLIZES ME.
- HE DOES HAVE GREAT
RESPECT FOR YOU, MR. GILLIS.
- OH, BUT NATCH.
- DAD, I WAS TELLING ELOISE...
- WHAT'S HE BEEN DOING,
BRAGGING ABOUT HOW I KEEP
MYSELF IN TIP-TOP PHYSICAL SHAPE
LIKE A GUY HALF MY AGE?
LISTEN, HIT ME IN THE STOMACH
JUST AS HARD AS YOU CAN.
IT WON'T HURT.
- NO, THANKS, MR. GILLIS.
- DAD, WHAT I WAS BOASTING...
- HEY, HOLD IT. I GOT
MARGIE ON THE LINE.
MARGIE, IT'S CHARLIE.
HEY, LISTEN, YOU REMEMBER
MY FRIEND HERBERT T. GILLIS?
YEAH, THAT'S THE ONE.
- CHARLIE'S FIXING THIS
TRAFFIC TICKET FOR ME.
- OH, ELOISE... ELOISE,
I'VE GOT A GREAT IDEA.
LET'S GO TAKE A WALK
SOME PLACE, HUH?
- HEY, BABY, HOW ABOUT
INVITING ME FOR DINNER?
OKAY.
- I CAN TEAR UP THE
TICKET NOW, CHARLIE?
- TEAR IT UP.
MARGIE'S GONNA TAKE
CARE OF EVERYTHING.
[CHUCKLING]
NEW YEAR'S EVE.
HEY, YOU KNOW, IT DOES
GIVE YOU A GOOD FEELING
SHORTCHANGING CITY
HALL, RIGHT IN THERE.
- MR. GILLIS, I'M ASTOUNDED
AT WHAT I'VE JUST SEEN.
- OH, I DON'T BLAME YOU.
I'M A PRETTY SHREWD
OPERATOR, HUH?
- OH, AND TO THINK,
DOBIE, I BELIEVED IN YOU.
POOR, DECENT,
TRUSTING, SENSITIVE ME.
I'LL NEVER, NEVER HAVE
FAITH IN ANYONE AGAIN.
- ELOISE...
- GOODBYE FOREVER!
- ELOISE, LISTEN, COME BACK!
ELOISE, I'VE GOT TO TALK TO YOU.
- THERE IS NOTHING I CARE
TO HEAR FROM A PERSON
WHO IS NOT HONEST,
DECENT, AND TRUE BLUE.
- YOU BETTER QUIT, DOBE,
SHE'S GOT YOU PEGGED.
- HONEST, ELOISE, I CAN EXPLAIN.
- I KNOW WITHIN
MY SENSITIVE SOUL
THAT IN TIME YOU'LL
BE JUST AS UNWORTHY
AS YOUR SCHEMING,
DISHONEST FATHER.
- YOU BETTER GIVE UP, DOBE.
SHE'S GOT HIM PEGGED TOO.
- ELOISE, DO YOU MEAN
THAT IF MY DAD REFORMED
YOU COULD TRUST ME AGAIN?
- IT'S POSSIBLE.
- AHA.
- AHA! NOW IS WHEN YOU PULL
THE BULL OVER HER EYES, HUH?
- MAYNARD, THAT'S
WOOL, AND QUIET.
ELOISE, MY DOVE, DAD'S
SO SORRY FOR WHAT HE DID
THAT HE'S GONNA
UNFIX THE TICKET.
HE'S GONNA DEMAND THAT HE
BE ALLOWED TO PAY THE FINE
AND TAKE HIS PUNISHMENT.
- OH, HOW WONDERFUL.
I'M THRILLED! I'M PLEASED!
- I'M THUNDER. I'M STRUCK.
- DOBIE, IF YOUR
FATHER PAYS THAT FINE,
I'LL BE CONVINCED HE'S
HONESTLY TRYING TO REFORM.
- ELOISE, THANK YOU
FOR YOUR CONFIDENCE.
IT'S HEARTWARMING TO KNOW
THAT YOU HAVE FAITH IN ME.
- OH, I DO, DOBIE,
COMPLETE AND UTTER FAITH,
AND YOU'LL BRING ME A
RECEIPT FOR THE FINE?
- SURE, SURE.
- GOODBYE.
- GOODBYE. GOODBYE.
- DOBE, DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU
CAN GET YOUR FATHER TO DO THAT,
I MEAN, CONSIDERING
HE'S SO MEAN AND ROTTEN?
- OF COURSE HE'S GONNA DO IT.
DAD MAY BE HARDHEADED SOMETIMES,
BUT HE'LL ALWAYS LISTEN
TO A REASONABLE REQUEST.
- SOMETIMES I AM HARDHEADED,
BUT I WILL ALWAYS LISTEN
TO A REASONABLE REQUEST.
- WHAT I'M REQUESTING IS...
- OKAY, I'VE LISTENED
TO YOUR REQUEST
AND THE ANSWER IS NO.
- DAD.
- NO OFFENSE, BOY, BUT
WHENEVER YOU HAVE A REQUEST
IT ALWAYS WINDS UP
COSTING ME MONEY,
AND WHEN IT COMES TO MONEY,
I AM, WELL, SHALL WE
SAY, CONSERVATIVE?
- WELL, SHALL WE SAY CHEAP?
- LET'S PUT OUR
CARDS ON THE TABLE.
DAD, LOOK AT ME.
WHAT DO YOU SEE?
- OH, A MEDIUM-SIZED
FELLA, WITH...
- MAYNARD.
DAD, WHAT I'M
TRYING TO SAY IS THAT
I'M JUST AN ORDINARY FELLA.
THERE'S NOTHING
EXCEPTIONAL ABOUT ME.
I DON'T HAVE ANY
SPECIAL TALENTS,
I'M NOT EXCEPTIONALLY HANDSOME,
I DON'T HAVE GREAT CONNECTIONS.
- ALSO, YOU'RE NOT TOO BRIGHT.
- WITH THESE QUALIFICATIONS,
YOU WOULDN'T THINK
I'D HAVE MUCH CHANCE
TO GET THE LOVELIEST,
SWEETEST GIRL IN SCHOOL,
BUT I DO.
- OH, ATTABOY, SON.
- IF YOU'LL HELP ME.
- OH, YOU BET I'LL
HELP YOU, BOY.
- OH, THANKS, DAD.
- I KNOW I HAVEN'T ALWAYS
DONE THE BEST BY YOU.
- I'LL BUY THAT.
- BUT I'VE ALWAYS
DONE THE BEST I COULD,
AND IF THERE'S
ANYTHING I CAN DO NOW
TO MAKE UP FOR WHAT I
DIDN'T DO, JUST NAME IT.
- UNFIX THE TICKET.
- UNFIX THE TICKET?
YOUR HEAD, I'LL UNFIX.
- DAD, YOU'VE GOT TO DO IT.
I TOLD ELOISE WHAT AN
HONEST MAN YOU WERE.
THEN I BRING HER IN HERE
AND SHE FINDS
YOU FIXING A TICKET.
WELL, WHO CAN BLAME HER
FOR WALKING OUT ON ME?
DAD, I'VE GOT TO
HAVE ELOISE BACK.
LIFE WITHOUT HER IS
JUST A HOLLOW MOCKERY.
WON'T YOU UNFIX THE
TICKET? FOR ME, DAD?
PLEASE, DAD?
- WHOEVER HEARD
OF UNFIXING A TICKET?
IT'S CRAZY.
- I SEE.
THANKS, DAD.
COME ON, MAYNARD, LET'S GO.
- JUST A MINUTE,
BOY. YOU'RE RIGHT.
THERE I GO AGAIN, ALL
TALK AND NO ACTION,
LIKE USUAL.
I'LL DO IT, SON.
- OH, GREAT.
- YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS FIGURED
THAT THE RIGHT TO FIX TICKETS
WAS ONE OF THE THINGS I
WAS FIGHTING FOR IN WW II,
THAT WAS THE BIG ONE, YOU
KNOW, WITH THE THING AND STUFF,
BUT THIS TIME I
WON'T LET YOU DOWN.
- OH, THANKS, DAD.
YOU WON'T REGRET IT.
IT'LL BE EASY, YOU'LL SEE.
- SURE. IT'S A CINCH
TO FIX A TICKET.
HOW HARD CAN IT
GET TO UNFIX ONE?
- HEY, I WANT TO
PAY A TRAFFIC FINE.
- DAD, I'M PROUD OF YOU.
- OH, YOU SHOULD BE, SON.
I'M A GREAT AMERICAN, AND
A HECK OF A SWELL SPORT.
- LET'S HAVE THE TICKET.
- WELL, WE SEEM TO
HAVE MISPLACED IT.
- OH, NO, MR. G.
DOBE SAID YOU TOOK THE
TICKET AND WENT... HAPPY!
- I'LL DIG OUT THE COPY.
WHAT'S THE NAME?
- KREBS, YOUR CLERKSHIP.
- MAYNARD, PLEASE.
- THE NAME IS GILLIS,
HERBERT T. GILLIS.
JUST TELL ME HOW
MUCH THE FINE IS,
LET ME PAY IT AND
GET OUT OF HERE, HUH?
- GATES, GILLHULIE,
GIMMERHORN, GLUCK.
NOPE. NO TICKET FOR GILLIS.
- HEY, THAT MARGE
REALLY COME THROUGH.
LET'S GO, SON, I'M A FREE MAN.
- COULD MY FATHER
HAVE A RECEIPT, PLEASE?
- LOOK, SONNY.
I CAN'T GIVE HIM A RECEIPT
UNLESS HE PAYS THE FINE,
AND HE HASN'T, SO GOODBYE.
- BUT HE WANTS TO PAY YOU $10.
- YOU BETTER GRAB
THE LOOT QUICK, LADY.
THIS IS A TELEVISION FIRST.
- NO OFFENSE, FRIEND,
BUT I'VE GOT WORK TO DO.
- MA'AM, THE RECEIPT, PLEASE?
- WEREN'T YOU PAYING ATTENTION?
NO TICKET, NO FINE.
NO FINE, NO MONEY.
NO MONEY, NO RECEIPT. GOODBYE.
- NOW, JUST A DARN MINUTE.
WHAT KIND OF
DISCRIMINATION IS THIS?
I HAPPEN TO BE A
CITIZEN, AND A TAXPAYER,
AND A VETERAN WITH THE
GOOD CONDUCT MEDAL,
AND I GOT JUST AS MUCH RIGHT
TO BE PUNISHED AND PAY A FINE
AS ANY OTHER CRIMINAL.
- OH, NO. YOU'RE NOT
GETTING A RECEIPT
UNTIL I SEE SOME GOOD
GREEN CASH RIGHT IN MY HAND.
- OH-HO, SO THAT'S
HOW IT IS, HUH?
- WHAT, DAD?
- LISTEN, THAT WEEPING WILLOW
OF YOURS THINKS I'M A CROOK?
BRING HER DOWN HERE
AND INTRODUCE HER TO
THE BRIDE OF JESSE JAMES.
HOW ABOUT A $10
RECEIPT FOR 15 BUCKS?
- YOU'RE KIDDING.
- 20?
- NOW, LOOK HERE.
- 25 AND THAT'S MY FINAL OFFER.
- HOLD THE PHONE. I
GOTTA GET THIS STRAIGHT.
YOU'LL GIVE ME $25 IF I GIVE
YOU A RECEIPT FOR A $10 FINE?
- RIGHT.
- RIGHT.
- HM. THIS SOUNDS FISHY.
- NEVER MIND THAT.
HAVE WE GOT A DEAL?
- WAIT RIGHT HERE, HUH?
I'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE
WITH THE RECEIPT.
- DAD, THIS IS SURE
BIGHEARTED OF YOU.
- YEAH. $25 WORTH OF BIGHEARTED.
SON, WHEN YOU ARE DEALING
WITH HERBERT T. GILLIS,
YOU ARE DEALING
WITH A BIG OPERATOR.
- BIG-TIME OPERATOR, HUH?
ALREADY HE LOOKS SUSPICIOUS.
- THAT'S THE MAN, OFFICER,
THE ONE WITH THE SNEAKY FACE.
- YOU RANG?
- NO, THE OTHER SNEAKY FACE.
- WHAT? NOW, LISTEN HERE...
- HE DON'T LOOK TOO
BRIGHT, MRS. QUIMBY,
YOU SURE HE'S THE
BRAINS OF THE GANG?
- HE MUST BE. LOOK
AT THE OTHER TWO.
- HE'S THE BRAINS.
OKAY, BIG-TIME OPERATOR,
WHAT'S THIS CAPER
YOU'RE TRYING TO PULL
WITH THE TRAFFIC
TICKET RECEIPTS?
- WHAT CAPER?
I'M JUST TRYING TO PAY A
TRAFFIC FINE, THAT'S ALL.
- YOU WANT TO PAY 25 BUCKS
FOR A 10-BUCK RECEIPT, RIGHT?
- RIGHT.
THIS THING COULD BE BIGGER
THAN THE BRINKS ROBBERY.
I CAN'T EVEN FIGURE
OUT WHAT THE CRIME IS.
- SOMETHING EVIL IS GOING
ON INSIDE THAT CRIMINAL HEAD.
LOOK AT THE LOOK IN
THEM BEADY LITTLE EYES.
- BEADY LITTLE EYES?
THEY ARE BIG AND BLUE
AND I'VE GOT THEM ON YOU,
SO COME ON, NOW.
- OH, THIS THING'S TOO
BIG FOR ME TO HANDLE.
I'M GONNA HAUL
THEM ON DOWN TO JAIL.
- JAIL?
- BREAD AND WATERSVILLE?
- TAKE US TO JAIL?
YOU SHOULD LIVE SO LONG.
DON'T WORRY, MEN. THEY
WON'T TAKE US TO JAIL.
THEY CAN'T DO IT.
THEY DID IT.
♪ STONE WALLS DO
NOT A PRISON MAKE ♪
♪ NOR IRON BARS... ♪
- MAYNARD, PLEASE.
YOUR SINGING WILL GET US
THROWN INTO SOLITARY CONFINEMENT.
- WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?
- HEY, YOU BETTER LET
US OUT OF HERE, CHIEF,
OR YOU ARE GOING
TO GET INTO TROUBLE.
- BIG TROUBLE.
- WE'LL CALL A COP.
- OH, A SMART ALECK, HUH?
- ME? OH, COME NOW.
- IT'S MY DUTY AS
CHIEF OF POLICE
TO FIND OUT WHAT KIND
OF A CROOKED SCHEME
YOU CROOKS ARE
TRYING TO COOK UP.
- WHAT CROOKS? WHAT
CROOKED SCHEME?
NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME.
YOU OPEN THIS DOOR AND LET
US OUT OF HERE ON THE DOUBLE,
OR WE WILL GO TO THE
DISTRICT ATTORNEY.
- WE'LL GO TO THE
POLICE COMMISSIONER,
TO THE MAYOR.
- I'LL TELL MY MOTHER.
- NOW, HEAR ME GOOD.
IN MY 30 YEARS ON
THE POLICE FORCE,
MAN AND BOY, I'VE NEVER COME
UP AGAINST SUCH A SCREWY CASE.
- CHIEF...
- PAYING 25 BUCKS
FOR A $10 RECEIPT.
MUST BE SOME BRILLIANT
SCHEME FOR BILKING THE PUBLIC,
BUT WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
- CHIEF...
- I'VE GOT TO FIND OUT.
IT'S DRIVING ME BATTY.
COME ON, NOW, CONFESS
BEFORE I THROW AWAY THE KEYS,
YOU CONNIVING CHISELERS.
- CHIEF, GIVE ME A CHANCE,
AND I'LL EXPLAIN EXACTLY...
- CHIEF, HERE'S THE ANSWERS
TO THAT ALL-POINTS BULLETIN
I PUT OUT ON THESE SUSPECTS.
- UH-HUH.
- UH-HUH.
- UH-HUH.
- OH-OH.
- I WIRED THEIR DESCRIPTION
TO 40 MAJOR CITIES.
- SO? SO? SO?
- NOTHING ON THESE TWO.
- WHAT ABOUT THE ONE ON THE END?
- 18 CITIES WIRED BACK HIS
DESCRIPTION WAS IMPOSSIBLE.
- WELL, YOU GOT TO
BE GOOD AT SOMETHING.
- YOU'VE BEEN GETTING AWAY
WITH MURDER UP TO NOW, HUH?
FROM NOW ON IT'S
GONNA BE DIFFERENT.
YOU'RE UP AGAINST SOMEBODY
THAT'S TOUGH AND SHARP
AND 100% ON THE BALL.
- NOW IS WHEN YOU BEAT HIM
WITH THE RUBBER HOSE, HUH, CHIEF?
- NEVER MIND.
HOW DO YOU DO IT?
SOME CLEVER SCHEME, HUH?
HOW DO YOU DO IT?
COME ON, TELL ME, PLEASE?
- DON'T YOU SEE, CHIEF,
THERE'S NO EXPLANATION FOR
WHAT WE DID EXCEPT THE TRUTH.
- YEAH, ALL WE WERE TRYING
TO DO WAS GET A RECEIPT
FOR THIS POOR LITTLE
ELOISE McINERNEY, SO THAT...
- GILLIS, I'M GETTING
SICK OF THAT STORY.
- CHIEF, YOU HAVE TO LET US
GO. YOU'VE GOT NO EVIDENCE.
- YEAH?
I'M KEEPING YOU
LOCKED UP IN HERE...
OH, THEY'RE RIGHT.
I KNOW IN MY BONES THEY'RE
UP TO SOME DIABOLICAL SCHEME,
BUT WHAT CAN WE PROVE?
ALL RIGHT, GILLIS.
I'M RELEASING YOU AND
YOUR GANG FOR NOW.
- AND THAT'S THE FIRST SMART
THING YOU'VE DONE ALL DAY.
- WATCH THAT GLOATING, GILLIS,
BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO
BE WATCHING YOU LIKE A HAWK.
- LIKE A WHOLE
ROOM FULL OF HAWKS.
LIKE A WHOLE POLICE
FORCE OF HAWKS.
GILLIS, YOU'RE DRIVING ME
CRAZY, SO I'M WARNING YOU,
I DON'T CARE IF
IT TAKES 10 YEARS,
I'M GONNA FIND OUT
WHAT YOU'RE UP TO.
- CHIEF, WHEN YOU FIND OUT,
WILL YOU PLEASE TELL US?
- AH, ELOISE, MY DEAR,
HERE I AM, RIGHT ON TIME.
- WITH A RECEIPT FOR YOUR
FATHER'S TRAFFIC TICKET?
- WELL, THE IMPORTANT
THING IS THAT I'M RIGHT ON TIME,
ISN'T IT?
I MEAN, PROMPTNESS
IS A GREAT VIRTUE.
- AND NEATNESS
TOO. I MEAN, TAKE ME.
- THE RECEIPT,
DOBIE, WHERE IS IT?
- ELOISE, YOU LOOK DIVINE.
LET'S NOT WASTE SUCH BEAUTY,
SUCH GRACE, SUCH ELEGANCE
ON THIS SHABBY CAMPUS.
COME, MY SWEET, LET'S
TASTE ALL THE PLEASURES
THIS GREAT METROPOLIS
HAS TO OFFER.
- NO.
- YOU DON'T WANT TO GO?
- I'LL GO.
- THE RECEIPT,
DOBIE, YOU'VE GOT IT?
- WELL, NOT WITH ME.
- WHY NOT?
- IT'S KIND OF HARD TO EXPLAIN.
- NO IT ISN'T, DOBE.
WHAT HAPPENED...
- MAYNARD.
ELOISE, I DON'T QUITE
KNOW HOW TO PUT IT.
- I DO. YOU LIED TO ME.
- OH, NO. NO. NO. NO.
- SO WHERE'S THE RECEIPT?
- SHE'S GOT YOU
THERE, GOOD BUDDY.
- WELL, IT'S...
- YOU'LL HAVE IT FOR
ME TOMORROW, RIGHT?
- RIGHT.
- DOBIE, DOBIE, I'M
SO DISAPPOINTED.
TO THINK I'VE BEEN GOING
THROUGH LIFE LIKE DIOGENES.
- WHO?
- YOU DON'T KNOW
WHO DIOGENES IS?
- GIRL, I JUST FOUND OUT LAST
WEEK WHO HARRY TRUMAN IS.
- DIOGENES WAS A GREEK.
- HARRY TRUMAN IS A DEMOCRAT.
- DIOGENES, I SAY,
WAS AN ANCIENT GREEK
WHO SEARCHED THE
WHOLE WIDE WORLD
NIGHT AND DAY, HIGH AND LOW,
LOOKING FOR AN HONEST
MAN, JUST LIKE I DID.
AND FOR A MOMENT, DOBIE, I
THOUGHT YOU WERE THE ONE.
- HIM? OH, COME NOW.
- WELL, I CAN SEE I WAS
WRONG. FAREWELL, DOBIE.
- ELOISE...
- NO, IT'S NO USE.
- I'LL HAVE THE
RECEIPT TOMORROW.
I SWEAR IT.
- YOU WILL?
- AS I LIVE AND BREATHE.
- ALL RIGHT, I'LL GIVE YOU ONE
MORE CHANCE, BUT JUST ONE.
- OH, YOU'RE ALL HEART, ELOISE.
- EXCEPT FOR HER
FURRY EYELASHES.
- TOMORROW YOU'LL
HAVE THAT RECEIPT,
OR IT'S ABSOLUTELY,
POSITIVELY THE END.
- YEAH, I'LL HAVE
IT. I'LL HAVE IT.
- SEE THAT YOU DO.
- MAYNARD, I'M GONNA GET THAT
RECEIPT FOR ELOISE TOMORROW.
- NO, YOU'RE NOT.
- YES, I AM.
- NO, YOU'RE NOT.
- NO, I'M NOT.
- I REST MY CASE.
- NO, MAYNARD.
- BACK TO OLD MISERYVILLE.
- NOT AS LONG AS THERE'S
BREATH IN THIS STUBBORN BODY.
ELOISE IS THE MOST
IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE,
AND I'M GONNA GET
THAT RECEIPT FOR HER,
AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME.
NOTHING, DO YOU HEAR? NOTHING.
- DOBE, YOU WERE TELLING ME
HOW NOTHING WAS GONNA STOP YOU.
- MAYNARD, NEVER MIND.
- DOBE?
- WHAT?
- HOW LONG YOU BEEN A RAT?
- MAYNARD, I CAN'T AFFORD
TO LOSE BOTH OF THEM.
BUT WHAT ELOISE
WANTS IS AN HONEST MAN.
- THAT LETS YOU OUT.
- WHAT MONA WANTS IS
SOMEBODY SNEAKY AND CROOKED
AND DISHONEST.
- THAT LETS YOU BACK IN.
- YOU BET.
I KNOW EXACTLY HOW
I'M GONNA GET HER.
- LIKE, HOW?
- LIKE, WATCH.
AH, MONA, MY LOVELY, I'VE
BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOU.
- NATURALLY. ALL THE BOYS DO.
- I'VE ALSO BEEN THINKING
ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID YESTERDAY.
OH, YOU'RE SO RIGHT, MONA,
HONESTY'S FOR SUCKERS.
- OH, BUT YESTERDAY...
- THAT WAS YESTERDAY.
TODAY, THANKS TO
YOU, MY EYES ARE OPEN.
TODAY I'M A NEW MAN,
RUTHLESS, CORRUPT,
CROOKED AS A DOG'S HIND LEG.
- HEY, I ONCE FOUND
A LITTLE LOST DOG,
BUT HE DIDN'T HAVE
A CROOKED HIND LEG.
OH, HE WAS A CUTE
LITTLE LOST DOGGY.
HE HAD CUTE LITTLE LEGS
AND HE HAD A CUTE LITTLE NOSE,
AND A CUTE LITTLE TAIL
AND A CUTE LITTLE BADGE.
- CUTE LITTLE BADGE?
- HE WAS A POLICE DOG.
- MAYNARD, SAYONARA.
- OH, MAN, I SURE DID
LOVE THAT LITTLE LOST DOG.
YOU KNOW, AND HE LOVED ME TOO.
I MEAN, HE'D LICK MY
FACE AND I'D LICK HIS FACE.
HE BRUNG ME STICKS
AND I BRUNG HIM STICKS.
MAN, I SURE WISH I COULD
HAVE TAKEN HIM HOME.
- WELL, WHY COULDN'T YOU?
- MONA, YOU'LL REGRET THIS.
- OH, BUT I'M INTERESTED.
MAYNARD, WHY COULDN'T YOU
TAKE THE LITTLE LOST DOG HOME?
- I WAS LOST TOO.
- I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.
- YEAH. NOW, WHERE WAS I?
- YOU WERE CROOKED
AS A DOG'S HIND LEG.
- HEY, DID I EVER TELL YOU
ABOUT THAT LITTLE LOST...
- YES.
- GO ON, DOBIE.
- LIKE YOU SAY, MONA,
HONESTY IS FOR SUCKERS.
BOY, AM I GLAD I KICKED IT.
NOW ALL I DO IS CHEAT
AND STEAL AND CONNIVE...
- AND LIE?
- YEAH. ALL THE TIME.
THE TRUTH NEVER PASSES MY LIPS.
- HONEST?
- HONEST.
- YOU'RE LYING.
- NO, MONA. HONEST, I'M
TELLING YOU THE TRUTH.
- WELL, YOU JUST SAID THAT THE
TRUTH NEVER PASSES YOUR LIPS.
- YEAH. HOW ABOUT THAT, DOBE?
- WERE YOU LYING WHEN
YOU SAID YOU WERE LYING?
- NO. I WAS TELLING THE TRUTH.
- WELL, THEN YOU WEREN'T LYING.
- I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED.
- OH, IT'S REAL, REAL
SIMPLE, GOOD BUDDY.
YOU SEE, IF YOU WERE LYING
WHEN YOU SAID YOU WERE LYING,
THEN YOU WERE TELLING
THE TRUTH, WHICH IS A LIE.
AND IF YOU'RE LYING WHEN
YOU'RE TELLING THE TRUTH,
IT HAS TO BE A LIE
BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS A
LIE WHEN YOU TELL THE TRUTH
IF A TRUTH AND A LIE...
- MONA, COULD WE START AGAIN?
- NO, DOBIE. WE COULD
NOT START AGAIN.
IF THERE'S ANYTHING WORSE
THAN A GOOD, HONEST MAN,
IT'S A BAD, DISHONEST MAN,
AND YOU, MY FRIEND, ARE BOTH.
GOODBYE.
- THANKS A LOT, PAL.
- OH, YOU DON'T WANT HER
ANYHOW. SHE'S A SNEAK AND A LIAR.
- TRUE.
- SO ARE YOU. NO OFFENSE.
- NO OFFENSE.
- SO NOW WHAT?
- SO NOW I'VE GOT
TO GET ELOISE BACK.
- BUT TO GET ELOISE BACK...
- I'VE GOT TO MAKE MY
FATHER GET A RECEIPT
FOR THAT TRAFFIC TICKET.
- ANY IDEAS?
- NOT A ONE. YOU?
- ME? OH, COME NOW.
- MAYBE DAD WILL HAVE AN IDEA.
- HIM? OH, COME NOW.
- IT'S POSSIBLE.
- POSSIBLE, MY EYE.
I TELL YOU THAT THIS TIME I
GOT AN IDEA THAT CAN'T MISS.
WELL, SON, LET'S
PUT IT THIS WAY.
IT MAY BE JUST A LITTLE
SNEAKY, BUT IT CAN'T MISS.
- I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT.
- MM-HM. WELL, THIS
ONE IS REALLY A LULU.
- YEAH. YEAH.
- IT IS A GEM.
- MR. G., YOU CAN'T PARK
THERE, YOU'LL GET A TICKET.
- THAT'S MY IDEA.
- HUH?
- OH, GOOD THINKING,
MAYNARD. YOU'RE A BRIGHT BOY.
- ME? OH, COME NOW.
- OH, I GET IT, DAD.
WHEN I GIVE THE
RECEIPT FOR THE TICKET
YOU'RE GOING TO GET
RIGHT NOW TO ELOISE,
SHE'LL THINK WE DID
EXACTLY WHAT WE PROMISED.
- RIGHT. I GOT IT UP HERE, HUH?
- GEE, I GOTTA GIVE
IT TO YOU, MR. G.
YOU'VE GOT ONE OF THE
GREATEST CRIMINAL MINDS
IN THE WHOLE NORTH
AMERICAN CONTINENT.
- NEVER MIND THE
COMPLIMENTS, MAYNARD.
HEY, HERE COMES GOGERTY NOW.
SEE HOW THEY'RE ALWAYS
JOHNNY-ON-THE-SPOT
WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING
WRONG? OH, WE'RE IN.
HEY LOOK, GOGERTY, I
PARKED IN A NO-PARKING ZONE.
WHERE'S MY TICKET, HUH?
- OH, NO.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, OH, NO?
- I MEAN, NEGATIVE, UH-UH.
NOT ON YOUR LIFE.
I WOULDN'T GIVE YOU A TICKET
IF YOU PARKED YOUR TRUCK
IN THE MAYOR'S KITCHEN.
- WHAT KIND OF A PUBLIC
SERVANT ARE YOU?
- THE KIND THAT OBEYS ORDERS,
AND MY ORDERS SAY NOT TO
GET MESSED UP WITH YOU BIRDS
UNTIL WE FIGURE OUT
WHAT YOU'RE UP TO.
SO LONG.
- NOW, JUST A DARN MINUTE.
I AM A PEACEFUL,
LAW BREAKING CITIZEN,
AND I GOT RIGHTS.
- TOUGH.
- HEY, HERB.
HERB, I'VE BEEN LOOKING
ALL OVER FOR YOU.
- WELL, I AIN'T BEEN LOOKING
FOR YOU, SO GOODBYE, CHARLIE.
- YOU BETTER STAND HERE
AND YOU BETTER LISTEN TO ME.
- LISTEN TO YOU? I'M
THROUGH LISTENING TO YOU.
I SHOULD HAVE NEVER LISTENED
TO YOU ABOUT FIXING THAT TICKET.
- THAT'S WHAT I'M
TRYING TO TELL YOU.
THE TICKET WAS NEVER FIXED.
- BUT YOU SAID THAT
YOUR SISTER-IN-LAW
WAS GONNA GO DOWN THERE AND...
- MARGIE DIDN'T FIX THE TICKET.
SHE SAID SHE WAS GONNA.
SHE EVEN WENT SO FAR AS TO
TAKE THE COPY OUT OF THE FILE
AND PUT IT IN HER PURSE.
- SO WHAT HAPPENED?
- WELL, HERB, WHEN
SHE LEFT WORK,
SHE WAS KIND OF
LIKE WALKING ALONG
AND SHE CAME TO
A PRAYER MEETING.
SHE WAS KIND OF
JUST STANDING THERE,
YOU KNOW, LISTENING,
AND SHE GOT TO THINKING MAYBE
SHE WAS DOING SOMETHING WRONG.
SO SHE WENT UP TO THE
TOP OF POWDER HORN HILL,
YOU KNOW, SIT AROUND,
COMMUNE WITH NATURE,
SEARCH HER SOUL.
- SO WHAT'S SHE'S FINDING?
- SHE FOUND OUT SHE WAS
DOING SOMETHING WRONG.
SO SHE SAID SHE WAS GONNA
PUT THE COPY BACK IN THE FILE,
EXCEPT WHEN SHE'S UP ON
TOP OF POWDER HORN HILL,
SHE GETS A COLD
AND HAS TO GO TO BED.
LIQUID DIET.
- BUT SHE'S BACK
AT WORK NOW, HUH?
- SHE IS BACK AT WORK.
THE COPY'S BACK IN THE FILE.
HERB, SHE TOLD ME TO
TELL YOU SHE WAS SORRY,
BUT SHE HAS TO
LIVE WITH HER SOUL.
NOW, YOU'LL UNDERSTAND, HUH?
- DAD, NOW YOU CAN
PAY THE FINE AFTER ALL.
- YEAH. AIN'T THAT WONDERFUL?
THEY GOTTA TAKE
MY MONEY THIS TIME.
COME ON, BOY, LET'S GET DOWNTOWN
AND STRAIGHTEN
THIS THING OUT, HUH?
- HEY, ALL THAT TALK
YOU GAVE US BEFORE
ABOUT TRYING TO FIX A TICKET,
IT WAS TRUE ALL THE TIME, HUH?
- SURE IT WAS.
WE WANTED THE RECEIPT FOR
THIS SWEET, SENSITIVE GIRL.
- THEN YOU'RE NOT A GANG OF
SLICK INTERNATIONAL CRIMINALS?
- US? OH, COME NOW.
- I KNEW IT ALL THE TIME. ALL
TOGETHER THE THREE OF YOU
COULDN'T FOOL A PATROL
OF CAMPFIRE GIRLS.
- WELL, THANKS A
LOT. COME ON, SON.
- JUST A MINUTE, GILLIS. DO
YOU SEE THAT NO PARKING SIGN?
- WE WERE JUST LEAVING.
- JUST LEAVING
AIN'T SOON ENOUGH.
I'M WRITING YOU A
TICKET FOR JUST TOO LATE.
- BUT WE DON'T
NEED A TICKET NOW.
FORGET IT.
- FORGET IT NOTHING.
I'M WRITING YOU A TICKET
FOR ILLEGAL PARKING,
FOR VIOLATION OF SECTION 208,
PARKED ON THE WRONG SIDE
OF THE STREET, FOR SECTION 74...
- YOU DO HAVE THE
RECEIPT FOR THAT TICKET,
DON'T YOU, DOBIE?
- BUT OF COURSE, MY
SWEET, AND THEN SOME.
- NOW TELL ME EXACTLY
WHAT HAPPENED, DOBIE,
THE TRUTH, REMEMBER.
ONE FALSE WORD AND I'M
WALKING OUT ON YOU FOREVER.
- MY ANGEL, I WOULD NEVER
MUTTER A WORD IN YOUR PRESENCE
THAT WAS NOT THE UTTER TRUTH.
YOU SEE, DAD WENT DOWN TO
THE COURTHOUSE TO PAY HIS FINE,
AND THEY THOUGHT HE WAS THE
BRAINS OF A VERY CLEVER GANG
AND THEY TOOK HIM
DOWN TO HEADQUARTERS.
BOY, IT WAS EXCITING.
THE CHIEF THOUGHT HE
WAS A BIG INTERNATIONAL...
ELOISE, COME
BACK. LOOK, ELOISE...
MAYNARD, I WAS
TELLING THE TRUTH.
WHY WOULDN'T SHE BELIEVE ME?
- WOULD YOU?
- NO.
- I REST MY CASE.
- WHAT'S THE USE?
I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY LUCK.
- WELL, CHEER UP, GOOD
BUDDY. YOU STILL GOT ME.
- YEAH. LIKE I SAY, I JUST
DON'T HAVE ANY LUCK.