The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 3, Episode 23 - Dobie Gillis: Wanted Dead or Alive - full transcript

- LOOK AT ME. WHAT DO YOU SEE?

AN HONEST FACE, TRUE? NOT
HANDSOME, NOT ROMANTIC,

BUT HONEST, DECENT,
RELIABLE, TRUSTWORTHY.

TRUE?

WELL, THAT'S ALL
YOU KNOW ABOUT IT.

I, HONEST DOBIE GILLIS,
AM NO STRANGER TO CRIME.

I LIVE WITH SIN AND CORRUPTION.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT,
DO YOU? OF COURSE NOT.

NOBODY BELIEVES THAT
A SWEET KID LIKE ME

COULD EVER DO ANYTHING
MEAN, LOW AND UNDERHANDED.

- I BELIEVE IT, GOOD BUDDY.



- HOW CAN YOU SAY SUCH A THING?

- YOU JUST OPEN YOUR
MOUTH AND OUT IT COMES.

I BELIEVE...
- MAYNARD.

- I KNOW, DOBE, I KNOW. I MEAN,

I KNOW YOU'RE, LIKE, HONEST

AND DECENT AND LOYAL
AND TRUE BLUE AND KIND

AND A REAL HUMAN BEING...

- THANK YOU, MAYNARD.
- BUT ON THE OTHER HAND,

YOU'RE ALSO SNEAKY,
MEAN AND ROTTEN

AND KIND OF A SKUNK.

- HOW CAN I BE BOTH?
- WELL, IT'S EASY.

WITH ME, YOUR FRIENDS,
YOUR PARENTS AND TEACHERS,

YOU'RE A REAL AMERICAN
AND A HECK OF A GOOD SPORT.

BUT WITH CHICKS, YOU'RE
A PLUPERFECT FINK.



- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT? I LOVE CHICKS.

- YEAH, DOBE. THAT'S
WHY THERE'S NOTHING

YOU WON'T DO TO GET ONE.

- WELL, I'LL ADMIT
THAT IN THE PAST

I HAVE DONE A FEW SHABBY
THINGS TO GET A GIRL.

- YEAH, LIKE LYING AND
ROBBING AND STEALING AND...

- YEAH, BUT IT WAS ALL
FOR LOVE, MAYNARD.

AND ANYHOW, THAT'S ALL OVER NOW.

I'LL NEVER CHASE
ANOTHER GIRL AGAIN.

- OH, YOU'RE GONNA LIVE IN A
CAVE AND BECOME A HELMET!

- MAYNARD, THAT'S HERMIT.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

- YOU NOT CHASING CHICKS?
NO, I DON'T UNDERSTAND. CLUE ME.

- YEAH, DOES THAT ANSWER
YOUR QUESTION, HMM?

MY DARLING!

- MY ANGEL!
- MY GOODNESS!

- MAYNARD, THIS IS
GISELLE HURLBUT.

- HOW DO?
- LIKE HI.

- HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING
MORE BEAUTIFUL IN YOUR LIFE?

- OH, SURE, LOTS OF THINGS.
- GISELLE...

- LET'S SEE. MY
LITTER OF BABY DUCKS,

MY SOUVENIR PILLOW FROM
THE OKEFENOKEE SWAMP,

MY MECHANICAL PENCIL THAT
WRITES IN FOUR DIFFERENT COL...

- MAYNARD?
- ENOUGH?

- GOOD THINKING.
- I GOT ONE MORE.

- KEEP IT.
- OF COURSE I WILL.

YOU THINK I'D GIVE
AWAY MY PETRIFIED FROG?

- YOU'LL HAVE TO
FORGIVE MAYNARD.

HE'S A LITTLE, SHALL
WE SAY, ECCENTRIC?

- SHALL WE SAY NUTS?

- YES.

- ALL RIGHT, SO I
AIN'T SO BRIGHT,

BUT I'M BRIGHTER
THAN YOU ARE, DOBE,

'CAUSE I AIN'T IN
LOVE WITH NO CHICK

WHO'S GONNA DUMP
ME AND I DON'T KNOW IT.

- MAYNARD, HOW INNOCENT YOU ARE!

GISELLE AND I LOVE EACH OTHER,

DON'T WE, MY DEAR?
- YES, PUMPKIN.

- WITH ALL OUR HEARTS.
- AND ALL OUR SOULS.

- AND WE'RE GONNA BE
TOGETHER FOREVER AND EVER.

- WELL, NOT QUITE THAT LONG.
- YEAH, I KNOW, MY DEAR.

IT'S JUST A FIGURE OF SPEECH.

WHAT I MEANT IS, WE'RE
GONNA BE TOGETHER

FOR YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS.

- WELL, NOT QUITE THAT LONG.

- HOW SOON YOU
WALKING OUT ON HIM, GIRL?

- NEXT THURSDAY.

[JAZZ THEME]

- GISELLE HURLBUT LOVED ME
WITH ALL HER HEART AND SOUL

AND YET LOVING ME
THE WAY SHE SAID,

IT WAS GISELLE WHO
SET MY FEET ON THE PATH

TO CRIME AND DEGRADATION.

SHE DIDN'T MEAN TO, OF COURSE.

ALL SHE SAID WAS

THAT SHE WAS GONNA WALK
OUT ON ME NEXT THURSDAY.

WELL, NATURALLY, I THOUGHT
IT WAS SOME KIND OF A JOKE.

"GISELLE," I SAID,
"IT CAN'T BE TRUE."

- IT'S TRUE.

- YOU TOOK THE WORDS
RIGHT OUTTA MY MOUTH!

- GISELLE, YOU'RE KIDDING!

- NO, DOBIE. THURSDAY,
YOU AND I ARE FINISHED.

- BUT WHAT HAVE I DONE?

- NOTHING. THAT'S
JUST THE POINT.

DOBIE, HAVE YOU GOT ANY
PROSPECTS OR CONNECTIONS?

- HIM? OH, COME NOW!
- YOU GOT A BRIGHT FUTURE?

- HIM? OH, COME NOW!
- ARE YOU RICH?

- ME? OH, COME NOW.

- WHAT'S YOUR FATHER DO?

- MOSTLY HE YELLS.

- WELL, HE'S A GROCER.

- SOMETIMES HE GROWLS. RAHHRR!

- IS HE A BIG GROCER?

- ABOUT 5 FEET 11 IN
HIS STOCKING FEET.

- WELL, ACTUALLY, IT'S
NOT A BIG OPERATION,

BUT DAD'S VERY WELL
LIKED IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

AND, MAYNARD, ENOUGH!

- SO YOUR FATHER'S GOT

A LITTLE, DINKY CORNER GROCERY.

- WELL, WHO'S YOUR FATHER?

- HE READS METERS
FOR THE GAS COMPANY.

- SO HOW COME YOU'RE LOOKING
DOWN YOUR NOSE AT MY FATHER?

- DOBIE, I'M SURE YOUR
FATHER'S A VERY FINE MAN.

- GISELLE...
- DOBE, DOBE, CAN I SAY IT?

- DO YOU FEEL YOU MUST?
- UH-HUH.

- GO AHEAD.

- WOULD YOU PLEASE
REPEAT THE QUESTION?

- I SAID I'M SURE DOBIE'S
FATHER IS A VERY FINE MAN.

- HIM? OH, COME NOW!

- FEEL BETTER?

I'M DELIGHTED. MAYNARD,
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE US,

YOU WERE SAYING, MY DEAR?

- HONEST, DOBIE, I'M NOT LOOKING
DOWN MY NOSE AT YOUR FATHER.

BUT JUST THINK.

YOUR FATHER IS A
SMALL-TIME GROCER

AND MY FATHER READS
METERS FOR THE GAS COMPANY.

PUT THEM TOGETHER
AND WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?

- A METER READER WHO YELLS!

- WHAT YOU'VE GOT
IS A PAIR OF PAUPERS.

- HEY, THAT'S KIND
OF HARD TO SAY.

PETER PIPER PICKED
A PAIR OF PAUPERS.

- THE PROBLEM IS, I'M
BEING TERRIBLY SELFISH.

I'M NOT THINKING OF
ALICE AND PHYLLIS.

- WHO ARE ALICE AND PHYLLIS?

- MY SISTERS. THEY'RE TWINS.

DOBIE, IT WAS A BIG
SACRIFICE FOR MY FAMILY

TO SEND ME TO COLLEGE.

I MEAN, EVERYBODY SACRIFICED,

MY FATHER, MY MOTHER
AND ALICE AND PHYLLIS.

NATURALLY, I JUST
GOT TO PAY THEM BACK.

- LIKE HOW?

- WELL, LIKE FINDING
A RICH HUSBAND

SO ALICE AND PHYLLIS
CAN GO TO COLLEGE

AND FIND RICH HUSBANDS TOO.

AND ALL I'VE GOT IS
JUST A COUPLE OF YEARS

AND IT DOESN'T GIVE ME
MUCH TIME TO FIND A HUSBAND.

BUT LET'S FACE IT.
I'M NEVER GONNA FIND

A RICH HUSBAND HERE
AT S. PETER PRYOR.

I'VE GOT TO GO WHERE
THE MONEY IS, RADCLIFFE.

- RADCLIFFE?

BUT HOW ARE YOU GONNA FIND
A RICH HUSBAND AT RADCLIFFE?

IT'S A GIRLS' SCHOOL.

- TRUE, BUT HARVARD
IS RIGHT NEXT DOOR

AND THAT'S WHERE THE MONEY IS.

I MEAN, ALL THOSE RICH
MILLIONAIRES FROM THE EAST

SEND THEIR SONS TO HARVARD.

IT'S SIMPLY CRAWLING
WITH YOUNG ELIGIBLE MEN

WHO ARE JUST LOADED WITH MONEY.

- AND THUS GISELLE,

SWEET GISELLE, GOOD
GISELLE, GREAT-HEARTED GISELLE

LED ME INTO THE DISMAL
VALLEY OF SIN AND CORRUPTION.

OF COURSE, ALFRED LORD
TENNYSON HELPED TOO.

- ALFRED LORD TENNYSON
WAS PERHAPS BEST KNOWN

FOR THE STIRRING POEM

CALLED "CROSSING THE
BAR." [CLEARS THROAT]

"SUNSET AND EVENING STAR
AND ONE CLEAR CALL FOR ME,

AND MAY THERE BE NO MOANING
OF THE BAR WHEN I PUT OUT TO SEA."

MR. GILLIS, CAN YOU EXPLAIN

THE HIDDEN MEANING
IN THESE LINES?

- NO, SIR.

- WELL, TRY, MR. GILLIS.

- IF YOU DON'T MIND, SIR, I
DON'T FEEL MUCH LIKE IT.

- THIS FUNK OF
YOURS, MR. GILLIS,

AND I SPEAK AS A LONG-TIME
OBSERVER OF YOUR FUNKS,

CAN ONLY BE THE RESULT
OF A REVERSE IN LOVE.

BUT I WOULD REMIND YOU
THAT, IN RECENT YEARS,

YOU HAVE LOST GIRLS
BEYOND THE COUNTING OF THEM.

AND STILL AND ALL, YOUR
HEALTH, RESPIRATION

AND COLOR REMAIN NORMAL.

IN SHORT, MR. GILLIS,
YOU WILL RECOVER.

- NOT THIS TIME, SIR, BECAUSE
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE,

I'VE FOUND THE REAL
THING AND LOST IT.

- DOBIE, YOU MUSTN'T SAY THAT!

YOU MUST THINK OF
ALICE AND PHYLLIS

WHO WILL NEVER GET TO
COLLEGE IF I DON'T GO TO RADCLIFFE

AND FIND ME A RICH
HUSBAND AT HARVARD.

- BUT WHAT ABOUT US?
- WHAT ABOUT ALICE AND PHYLLIS?

- WHAT ABOUT ALFRED
LORD TENNYSON?

NOW, MISS HURLBUT, I
DO APPLAUD, OF COURSE,

YOUR DESIRE TO LEAD YOUR
SISTERS INTO A SNUG HARBOR,

BUT THIS IS, AFTER ALL,
A CLASSROOM, I THINK.

[CLASS BELL RINGS]

OH, YES, IT MUST BE A CLASSROOM.

THERE GOES THE BELL.

ALL RIGHT, CLASS,
EXCEPT FOR MR. GILLIS,

DISMISSED.

- UH, GISELLE, LISTEN.

- PLEASE, DOBIE DEAR,
DON'T MAKE IT ANY HARDER.

I MUST DO WHAT I MUST DO.
- GISELLE!

- MR. GILLIS, MR. GILLIS.

MR. KREBS, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- I'M WITH DOBIE. I MEAN,
WHEREVER HE GOES, I GO.

I MEAN, HE'S LIKE MY GOOD BUDDY.

- VERY WELL. MR. GILLIS...

DOBIE, YOU'LL FORGIVE
MY GETTING PERSONAL,

BUT YOU MUSTN'T LET THIS
BUSINESS WITH GISELLE HURLBUT

GET YOU DOWN.

I MEAN, IT'S BOUND
TO HAVE A BAD EFFECT

ON YOUR STUDIES AND WE
JUST CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN,

NOT TO YOU, DOBIE.

YOU'RE A VERY SPECIAL PERSON.

- YEAH, YOU ARE A VERY
SPECIAL PERSON, DOBE.

- DOBIE, IF THE GRUFF
OLD PROFESSOR

CAN GET A LITTLE
MISTY FOR A MINUTE,

I WANT TO TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE

ONE OF THE MOST LIKABLE
YOUNG MEN THAT I'VE EVER MET

IN MY WHOLE CAREER AS A TEACHER.

AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO
THINK OF ME AS A TEACHER.

- I DON'T.
- MAYNARD.

- I WANT YOU TO THINK
OF ME AS A FRIEND.

NOW YOU'RE GONNA DO GOOD
THINGS IN THIS WORLD, DOBIE,

AND I STAND READY TO
HELP YOU WHENEVER I CAN.

SO PLEASE FEEL
FREE TO CALL ON ME

ANY HOUR, ANYTIME, ANYPLACE.

- MAYBE THE BOY COULD
COME AND LIVE WITH US.

- OH, HELLO, DEAR.
- HELLO, AND IT'S 5:00.

- UH, HAVE YOU MET
MAYNARD KREBS, DEAR?

- HOW DO, DEAR?
- MAYNARD, THIS IS MY WIFE.

- OH, EXCUSE ME.

HOW DO, MRS. DEAR.

- AND THIS IS DOBIE GILLIS.
- HOW DO YOU DO, MRS. POMFRITT?

- HOW DO YOU DO?
- WELL, DON'T FORGET, DOBIE.

CALL ON ME ANYTIME,
ANY HOUR, ANYPLACE.

- THANK YOU.
- HOW ABOUT TONIGHT, DOBIE?

YOU DOING ANYTHING TONIGHT?

- NO, BUT THE PROFESSOR
IS. SO LONG, TROOPS.

- GOODBYE, MRS. POMFRITT.
- GOODBYE, DEAR.

- MAYNARD.

- LEANDER, YOU KNOW
I HATE TO COMPLAIN.

- BUT YOU MANAGE,
DON'T YOU, MY DEAR.

- WELL, I'M SORRY,
SWEETIE. I MEAN, I KNOW

THAT TEACHING IS A
CALLING AND NOT A BUSINESS

AND I KNOW THAT YOU ARE
DEALING IN HUMAN SOULS

AND THE WORK YOU DO IS THE
MOST IMPORTANT IN THE WORLD.

I MEAN, I KNOW ALL THAT.

I SHOULD. YOU TELL
ME EVERY NIGHT.

- BUT IT'S TRUE, MAUDE.
- YES, AND IT'S ALSO TRUE

THAT YOU SPEND ALL DAY
HERE, AND WHEN YOU COME HOME,

YOU ALWAYS HAVE
PAPERS TO PREPARE,

EXAMS TO CORRECT
OR LECTURES TO WRITE.

WHEN YOU COME HOME, THAT IS.

I MEAN, HALF THE TIME YOU SPEND

THE NIGHTS HERE GOING
TO FACULTY MEETINGS.

LEANDER, DO YOU
KNOW THE LAST TIME

WE WENT TO A MOVIE TOGETHER?

- I DON'T REMEMBER.
- WELL, NEITHER DO I.

DO YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
THEY SAY THAT MOVIES TALK NOW?

BOY, I SURE WOULD LIKE
TO SEE ONE SOMETIME.

- WELL, I'LL MAKE IT
UP TO YOU, MAUDE.

- YES, YOU WILL, TONIGHT.

I GOT A SITTER FOR THE KIDS,

RESERVATIONS FOR DINNER
AND TWO TICKETS TO A MOVIE,

A TALKING MOVIE!

- TONIGHT?
- TONIGHT!

- BUT I HAVE A DEAN'S
MEETING TONIGHT

AND THEN LATER I HAVE
TO PREPARE THE EXAMS.

- AND TOMORROW YOU
HAVE TO CORRECT THEM.

- WELL, OF COURSE.
- AND SATURDAY.

- THAT'S THE INTRAMURAL
SOFTBALL FINALS.

- AND SUNDAY.
- THE GLEE CLUB RECITAL.

- AND MONDAY IS...
- Both: SCHOOL AGAIN.

- NOW, MAUDE, YOU
DON'T REGRET IT, DO YOU?

- OH, HECK NO.
- GOOD.

- I MEAN, I HAVE MY MEMORIES.

WILL YOU EVER FORGET THAT
CRAZY, MAD WEEKEND IN 1947?

JUST THE TWO OF
US LAYING ON THE...

- COME HERE, TEACHER'S PET.

- HEY, WATCH YOUR GLASSES.

- MAYNARD, I'M NOT GONNA DO IT!
- GOOD FOR YOU.

NOT GONNA DO WHAT?

- I'M NOT GONNA LET
GISELLE GET AWAY FROM ME.

- YOU GOT NO CHOICE.
COME THURSDAY,

SHE'S GOING OFF TO RADCLIFFE.

- THAT'S RIGHT, BUT
I'M GOING TO HARVARD

SO I CAN BE NEAR HER.
- AND HOW, PRAY TELL,

ARE YOU GETTING THE
MONEY TO GO TO HARVARD?

- FROM MY FATHER.
- HIM? OH, COME NOW!

- MAYNARD, I'VE FIGURED
OUT A VERY INGENIOUS PLAN.

- YOU GOT A PLAN TO GET
MONEY FROM YOUR FATHER?

- I HAVE.
- AND YOU THINK IT'LL WORK?

- MAYNARD, WHEN I SPRING
THIS PLAN ON MY FATHER,

IT'S ABSOLUTELY INEVITABLE
HE'LL SEND ME TO HARVARD.

- SEND YOU TO HARVARD?
TO THE HOSPITAL, I'LL SEND YA.

- DAD, YOU HAVEN'T
THOUGHT IT THROUGH.

- I'VE COUNTED IT THROUGH, BOY!

YOU ARE NOT TALKING TO
HERBERT T. MILLIONAIRE, YOU KNOW.

YOU ARE TALKING TO
HERBERT T. CORNER GROCER

WITH THE SORE FEET AND
THE TIRED BANK ACCOUNT,

AND THE ANSWER IS NO!

- DAD, I KNOW IT'S EXPENSIVE
TO GO TO HARVARD.

- THEN HOW COME YOU DON'T
KNOW BETTER THAN TO ASK ME?

- LOOK AT IT THIS WAY. IT'S
AN INVESTMENT IN MY FUTURE.

- WHAT FUTURE?
- THAT'S JUST IT!

IF I STAY AT S. PETER
PRYOR JUNIOR COLLEGE,

WHAT KIND OF FUTURE HAVE I GOT?
- DIM, BOY, DIM.

- BUT IF I GO TO HARVARD,

I CAN REALLY TAKE
ADVANTAGE OF MY ONE ASSET.

- AND WHAT IS THAT ONE?
- DAD, DO YOU LIKE ME?

- HAVE I GOT A CHOICE?
- NO, I'M SERIOUS, DAD.

FORGET THAT YOU'RE MY FATHER.
- OH, I'VE TRIED.

- IF I WAS JUST A
FELLA, NO RELATION,

WOULD YOU LIKE
ME? TELL THE TRUTH.

- OF COURSE, I'D LIKE YOU,
SON. YOU'RE A NICE KID.

- OKAY, DAD. NOW, YOU
LIKE ME. MAYNARD LIKES ME.

- MAYNARD? NOW, THERE'S
A RELIABLE WITNESS.

- THE GUYS IN SCHOOL LIKED ME,

THE GUYS IN THE ARMY LIKED ME.

YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE I'M LIKABLE.

- OKAY, BOY, YOU'RE LIKABLE.

GIVE ME A KISS AND
LET'S GET TO WORK, HUH?

- DAD, PAY ATTENTION.

THE GUYS AT S. PETER
PRYOR ARE ALL WONDERFUL.

I'M NOT KNOCKING
THEM, YOU UNDERSTAND,

BUT THEY COME FROM
PLAIN PEOPLE JUST LIKE I DO.

- SO THAT'S WHERE YOU BELONG.

WHY DO YOU WANNA
GO MESSIN' AROUND

WITH THESE HOITY-TOITY
MENTAL TYPES AT HARVARD?

- THINK, DAD, THINK.
I GO TO HARVARD.

RIGHT?
- WRONG.

- OKAY, SO THERE I
AM AT HARVARD, RIGHT?

- WRONGER.

- SO THEY PUT ME
INTO A DORMITORY.

NATURALLY, I'VE GOT A ROOMMATE.

NOW WHO'S THIS
ROOMMATE GONNA BE?

NOT THE SON OF A GROCER OR
A PLUMBER OR A METER READER.

THIS ROOMMATE'S GONNA
BE A RICH MAN'S SON.

YOU FOLLOW ME?
- NO,

AND I DON'T KNOW AS I WANT TO.

- JUST PICTURE
IT. ME, LIKABLE ME,

SHARING A ROOM WITH A
RICH MILLIONAIRE'S SON.

WELL, NATURALLY,
HE'S GOTTA LIKE ME,

SEEING THAT I'M SO LIKABLE.

AND THEN ONE DAY HIS
FATHER COMES TO VISIT

AND HE STARTS TO LIKE ME TOO.

THIS LIKABLENESS
KIND OF PILES UP.

AND BEFORE YOU KNOW
IT, HE OFFERS ME A JOB

STARTING AT, SAY,
$20,000 A YEAR.

HIS SON'LL INSIST ON IT,
SEEING THAT I'M SO LIKABLE.

WELL, AFTER THAT, IT'S
ONLY A MATTER OF TIME

FROM $20,000 TO $30,000,

PRETTY SOON
$40,000, $50,000, $60,000,

WAY UP THERE. I'LL BE... DAD?

DAD, I'D LIKE YOU TO
MEET MY ROOMMATE,

HENRY CABOT LOOT, JR.

- OH, ENCHANTÉ.
- ENCHANTÉ.

- AND HIS FATHER,
HENRY CABOT LOOT, SR.

- ENCHANTÉ.

- GILLIS, I'M A BLUNT
AND DIRECT MAN.

I DIDN'T GET TO BE PRESIDENT
OF AMALGAMATED, CONSOLIDATED,

UNIVERSAL, GLOBAL,
WORLDWIDE INDUSTRIES

BY BEATING AROUND THE BUSH.
I'LL COME RIGHT TO THE POINT.

- ENCHANTÉ.

- I GAVE YOUR SON
DOBIE A LITTLE JOB

AT $20,000 A YEAR

BECAUSE, WELL,
HE'S A LIKABLE CUSS

AND HE'S A GOOD
FRIEND OF MY BOY.

BUT IT WAS DOBIE'S OWN DRIVE,

INITIATIVE AND SPUNK
THAT CARRIED HIM THROUGH

TO HIS PRESENT POSITION
AS VICE PRESIDENT

IN CHARGE OF MARKETING DYNAMICS,

RAW DATA INTEGRATION AND
POINT-OF-SALES PROMOTION

AT A SALARY OF
$1 MILLION A YEAR.

- ENCHANTÉ!

- DAD? DAD?

DAD, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

DAD?

DAD? DAD!

- SON, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING STANDING THERE

WASTING YOUR TIME?
- WASTING MY TIME?

- SURE, YOU'RE JUST
STANDING THERE.

WHO DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE WAVING AT

WHEN YOU SHOULD BE GETTING
READY TO GO TO HARVARD?

- HARVARD?
- SURE, YOU KNOW,

♪ BOOLA-BOOLA, BOOLA... ♪

- DAD, THAT'S THE YALE SONG.

- YALE? HARVARD? WHAT
DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?

THEY BOTH MEAN MONEY, RIGHT?

- RIGHT.
- RIGHT! SO COME ON, LET'S GO!

- DAD!
- ♪ BOOLA-BOOLA ♪

♪ OFF TO SCHOOLA ♪

[HUMMING THE TUNE]

- LIKE HI, GOOD BUDDY.

- OH, MAYNARD, IT'S
WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU

AND GOODBYE.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- WAITING FOR
GISELLE, AND GOODBYE.

- GEE, I'M GLAD YOU RAN INTO ME.

- I RAN INTO YOU?

- 'CAUSE I GOTTA
TELL YOU SOMETHING.

DOBE, YOU'RE GOING
OFF TO HARVARD

AND YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE YOUR
DEAR FRIEND MAYNARD G. KREBS

ALL ALONE BEHIND, AND I
KNOW YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT IT,

BUT YOU MUSTN'T WORRY
'CAUSE I'LL GET ALONG FINE

WITHOUT YOU.
- I'M GLAD, MAYNARD.

WHAT'LL YOU DO?
- CRY.

- LISTEN, MAYNARD, YOU'RE
MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD.

AND IF A MAN COULD SPEAK,

I'D TELL YOU JUST HOW
MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME.

BUT LET'S FACE IT. WE
WON'T ALWAYS BE TOGETHER.

SOMEDAY SOON, I'LL
BE GETTING MARRIED.

- WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
I'LL MOVE IN WITH YOU.

- MAYNARD, IT'S JUST
BARELY POSSIBLE

THAT MY WIFE WON'T
WANT YOU LIVING WITH US.

THEN WHAT?
- GEE, THAT'S ROUGH, DOBE.

THEN THERE'S ONLY
ONE THING TO DO.

IT'S ROUGH, BUT YOU'RE
RIGHT. IT'S GOTTA BE DONE.

- THAT'S RIGHT.
- WE GET RID OF HER.

- HI, DOBIE.

- AH, GISELLE, MY ANGEL,
MY TIGER, MY DOVE.

- DOBIE, I'VE EXPLAINED
TO YOU THAT IT'S ALL OVER.

NOW WHAT'S THIS URGENT
MESSAGE YOU SENT ME?

- ONLY THIS. WHEN
YOU GO TO RADCLIFFE,

I'M GOING TO HARVARD.
- HMM.

- HMMM, WHAT?
AREN'T YOU DELIGHTED?

- WELL, I DON'T QUITE KNOW.

I MEAN, I'M GOING AWAY
TO FIND A RICH HUSBAND

AND WHO WILL I FIND? YOU.

- AHA, BUT ONCE I GET TO HARVARD

AND MAKE FRIENDS WITH ALL
THOSE RICH, IMPORTANT GUYS,

WHICH OF COURSE I WILL,
BEING SUCH A LIKABLE CUSS,

THEN I'LL GET RICH
TOO. DON'T YOU SEE?

- THAT'S RIGHT, YOU WILL.
- OF COURSE I WILL.

- OH, FOR JOY!
- AND THEN WE'LL GET MARRIED

AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR
SISTERS, ALICE AND PHYLLIS.

- AND ME TOO! I'LL
COME LIVE WITH YOU.

I MEAN, I DON'T NEED MUCH ROOM,

JUST A LITTLE PLACE FOR
MY BONGOS AND MY HI-FI

AND MY BABY DUCKS
AND MY HUMAN SKELETON

AND MY IGUANA, AND
HE DON'T EAT TOO MUCH.

- WE'LL TALK ABOUT
THAT LATER, MAYNARD.

- MUCH LATER?

- WELL, MY DEAR?

- LOOK, DOBIE, I
THINK IT'S WONDERFUL

BECAUSE YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU.
- AND I LOVE YOU.

- AND I LOVE MY IGUANA!

- YOU CAN GET YOUR
TRANSCRIPT IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.

- MY WHAT?
- YOUR MARKS.

THEY'LL BE COMING OUT
THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW.

WELL, NATURALLY, YOU'LL
NEED A RECORD OF YOUR MARKS

HERE AT S. PETER PRYOR IN
ORDER TO GET INTO HARVARD.

- NATURALLY, YEAH. HMM.

- BUT THAT'S JUST A FORMALITY.

I'M SURE YOU'LL GET A
GOOD HIGH AVERAGE.

- HOW HIGH DOES MY
AVERAGE HAVE TO BE?

- OH, A "B" SHOULD DO IT.

- GOODBYE, HARVARD,
HELLO, PRYOR.

- DOES IT HAVE TO
BE A "B" AVERAGE?

COULDN'T IT BE A LITTLE LOWER?

- SOMETHING LIKE AN "F+"?

- DOBIE, YOU ARE DOING WELL
IN YOUR STUDIES, AREN'T YOU?

- OH, NOT TOO BAD, EXCEPT,
OF COURSE, IN POETRY.

- SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

THERE'S AN EXAM IN
POETRY TOMORROW,

THE EARLY WORKS OF
ALFRED LORD TENNYSON.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS
GET A REAL HIGH MARK

AND YOU'LL BE HOME FREE.
- WELL...

- YOU'LL DO IT,
WON'T YOU, DOBIE?

- WELL...
- FOR ME?

OH, COME ON.

- WELL, YES, GISELLE,
FOR YOU I WILL.

- OF COURSE YOU WILL.

- LIKE HECK, YOU WILL.

- YOU REMEMBER WHAT
I SAID ABOUT CRIME,

HOW A SWEET KID LIKE ME
TUMBLED INTO A LIFE OF SIN

AND DEGRADATION.

WELL, HERE IT COMES NOW.

FIRST, LET'S ESTABLISH
THE SCENE OF THE CRIME.

IT HAPPENED IN THE HOME
OF MY TEACHER, MR. POMFRITT.

- I HAVE JUST FINISHED
PREPARING THE QUESTIONS

FOR TOMORROW'S
FINAL EXAM IN POETRY.

I AM NOW AS FREE AS
A BIRD AND I, MY LOVE,

AM GONNA TAKE YOU TO
THE LAST SHOW AT THE BIJOU

WHICH STARTS IN
EXACTLY 15 MINUTES.

I'LL GET MY COAT.

- OH, YOU ARE ALL
HEART, LEANDER.

- EXCEPT, OF COURSE,
FOR MY GIANT BRAIN.

- WHICH ISN'T WORKING
TOO GOOD TONIGHT.

- WHAT'S WRONG?
- WELL, IT IS NOW 9:00.

WHERE ARE WE GONNA GET A
SITTER FOR THOSE KIDS AT THIS HOUR?

- YOU MEAN, IT'S NOT POSSIBLE?

- NOT REMOTELY POSSIBLE.

- OH, MAUDE. GOSH, I'M SORRY.

I KNOW HOW
WRETCHED IT IS FOR YOU

BEING COOPED UP
HERE ALL THE TIME.

- OH, NOW, NOW, NOW.

LET'S NOT MAKE
AN OPERA OUT OF IT.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- YOU SURE ABOUT THE SITTER?
THERE MUST BE ONE SOMEWHERE.

- LIKE WHERE?

AND I THINK I HAVE JUST
FOUND THE ANSWER.

- GOOD EVENING, MRS. POMFRITT.

- LIKE HI.
- LIKE HI.

COME IN, MY LITTLE
MESSENGERS FROM HEAVEN.

- DOBIE, MAYNARD, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE

AT THIS HOUR OF NIGHT?

- WELL, SIR, I KNOW IT'S LATE

AND I DO HATE TO
BOTHER YOU AT HOME.

BUT REMEMBER WHAT YOU
SAID, IF I'M IN BIG TROUBLE,

I CAN CALL UPON YOU AT ANY
HOUR, ANYTIME, ANYPLACE?

- YEAH, YOU DID,
MR. POMFRITT. I'M A WITLESS.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S WITNESS,
ALTHOUGH YOU COULD BE RIGHT.

- WELL, SIR, THERE'S A BIG EXAM
IN POETRY TOMORROW, TRUE?

- TRUE.
- AND I'VE GOTTA GET

A REAL HIGH MARK ON THAT EXAM.

I MEAN, I'VE JUST GOT TO.

- YES, MR. GILLIS. YOU
ARE IN BIG TROUBLE.

- AND SO, DOBIE, YOU
THOUGHT YOU MIGHT GET

A LITTLE TUTORING, IS THAT IT?
- THAT'S IT.

- AND YOU TOO, MAYNARD?
- NO, I'M JUST WITH DOBE.

ACTUALLY, I DIDN'T WANT
TO COME HERE AT ALL.

I WANTED TO GO
DOWN TO THE BIJOU.

THERE'S A GAS OF A MOVIE THERE,

"THE MONSTER WHO
DEVOURED CLEVELAND."

- SO I'VE HEARD.

GET YOUR HAT AND COAT, LEANDER.

- NOW WAIT A MINUTE, MY DEAR.

YOU SURE YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE DOING?

- I'M SURE, AND GO.

BOYS, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

DO YOU CARE ABOUT MY
HUSBAND, AS A TEACHER, I MEAN?

- OH, I SURE DO, MA'AM.

IN FACT, I DON'T LOOK
UPON HIM AS A TEACHER.

I CONSIDER HIM A FRIEND.

- AHA, YOU THINK
OF HIM AS A FRIEND.

- NOW HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE TO BE A FRIEND TO HIM?

- WELL, SURE, MA'AM,
BUT WHAT CAN I DO?

- YOU CAN BABYSIT
WITH OUR CHILDREN

WHILE I TAKE MR. POMFRITT
TO THE MOVIES,

WHILE I TRY TO BRING A
COUPLE OF HOURS OF SUNSHINE

INTO THAT BLEAK AND DISMAL LIFE.

NOW, BOYS, CAN YOU FIND IT
IN YOUR HEARTS TO SAY NO?

- NOT ME, LADY, I'M ALL HEART.

- OH, I KNEW I COULD
COUNT ON YOU.

MY DARLING, WONDERFUL NEWS!

DOBIE AND MAYNARD HAVE
VOLUNTEERED TO BABYSIT

WITH THE KIDS WHILE
WE GOT TO THE MOVIES!

- MAUDE, I DON'T KNOW.
- IT'S ALL RIGHT, AND HURRY.

- YEAH, SHE'S RIGHT, MR. P.
THE MONSTER'S PROBABLY

GOT CLEVELAND HALF
DEVOURED BY NOW.

- OH, GOOD HEAVENS, WE MUST FLY!

- OKAY, MAUDE, YOU WIN. OOPS!

[WHISPERS] LISTEN, I'VE GOT TO
HIDE THOSE PAPERS ON THE DESK.

THAT'S THE TEST IN POETRY
THE BOYS ARE TAKING TOMORROW.

- I'LL DO IT, HONEY. YOU
GO WARM UP THE CAR.

- OKAY.
- WELL, BOYS,

I'M SURE YOU WON'T
BE HAVING ANY TROUBLE.

THE KIDS' ROOM IS UP THE
STAIRS AND TO THE LEFT

AND THE REFRIGERATOR
IS IN THE KITCHEN

AND THE COOKIES
ARE IN THE COOKIE JAR

AND GOD'S IN HIS HEAVEN AND
ALL'S WELL WITH THE WORLD!

GOOD NIGHT, MY DARLINGS!

- SWELL. JUST WHAT I
NEEDED! BABYSITTING!

MAYNARD, ON ACCOUNT OF
YOU, I'LL NEVER LEARN ENOUGH

ABOUT THE EARLY WORKS
OF ALFRED LORD TENNYSON

AND I'LL FLUNK THAT TEST COLD
AND I'LL LOSE GISELLE FOREVER!

BOY, LIFE IS MISERABLE.
- IT SURE IS.

I WAS HOPING MRS.
POMFRITT MIGHT BE HIDING

SOMETHING EMBARRASSING IN
HERE, YOU KNOW, LIKE A BABY PICTURE

OF MR. POMFRITT
ON A BEARSKIN RUG.

SOMETHING TO BLACKMAIL HIM WITH.

BUT THERE'S NOTHING
BUT THESE QUESTIONS

ABOUT THE LIFE AND POEMS
OF ALFRED LORD TENNYSON.

- OH, MY FUTURE'S BLEAK. I'M...

EARLY WORKS OF
ALFRED LORD TENNYSON?

- YEAH, WHAT A DRAG.
- MAYNARD, MAYNARD...

NOT EVEN LIKE A PRISON RECORD
OR LOVE LETTER OR ANYTHING.

MAYNARD, LET ME SEE THAT.

"TEST COMPILED BY
LEANDER POMFRITT,

THE LIFE AND POEMS OF
ALFRED LORD TENNYSON."

YOU ARE LOOKING AT A
MAN AT THE CROSSROADS.

WOULD DOBIE GILLIS, HONEST,
DECENT, AMERICAN BOY,

COPY THOSE TEST QUESTIONS

AND START DOWN THE PATH
TO SHAME AND DISHONOR?

OR WOULD HE FOLLOW HIS
BASICALLY NOBLE, DECENT INSTINCTS

AND REJECT TEMPTATION?

IN ALL DUE MODESTY, MAY I SAY

THAT THERE WAS NEVER
A MOMENT'S HESITATION.

IT WAS STRICTLY NO CONTEST.

- Both: LET'S DO IT!
- BUT JUST ONCE, JUST ONCE.

- NO MORE, JUST ONE TIME.
- YEAH, JUST THIS ONE TIME.

- THUS WE SEE THAT
ALFRED LORD TENNYSON

SYMBOLIZES IN HIS WORK
IMPARTIALLY, HEAVEN AND HELL,

FLESH AND SPIRIT, GOOD AND EVIL.

[CLASS BELL RINGS]
CLASS, I HAVE THE RESULTS

OF THIS MORNING'S
POETRY EXAM ON MY DESK.

PLEASE PICK THEM
UP ON YOUR WAY OUT.

AND, UH, MR. GILLIS AND
MR. KREBS WILL REMAIN BEHIND.

THE REST OF YOU ARE DISMISSED.

- UH-OH.
- HOW WELL YOU PUT IT.

- WHAT'S WRONG?
- OH, NOTHING, MY DEAR.

JUST A LITTLE WORRY
ABOUT THE TEST, THAT'S ALL.

- WELL, YOU TOLD ME YOU
ANSWERED EVERY SINGLE QUESTION.

- OH, I DID, I DID.

- WELL, MISS HURLBUT,
95. THAT'S VERY GOOD.

- THANK YOU.

- THERE ARE YOUR PAPERS, BOYS.

WELL, WHY AREN'T YOU SMILING?

IT ISN'T EVERY DAY THAT SOMEONE
GETS 100 ON A POETRY EXAM.

- OH, DOBIE DEAR, YOU DID IT!

NOW YOU CAN GET INTO
HARVARD AND I'LL GO TO RADCLIFFE

AND WE CAN BE TOGETHER
FOREVER AND EVER!

I'M JUST SO HAPPY
I COULD KISS YOU!

- MISS HURLBUT, PLEASE
CONTAIN YOURSELF.

THE RULES ABOUT KISSING IN
CLASSROOMS ARE QUITE SPECIFIC.

- I'LL WAIT FOR YOU OUTSIDE.
- YES, YOU DO THAT.

WELL, MR. GILLIS?
- WELL WHAT, SIR?

- ISN'T THERE SOMETHING
YOU'D LIKE TO TELL ME?

- UH, NO, SIR.

- YOU'RE QUITE SURE?
- YES, SIR.

- HOW ABOUT YOU, MR. KREBS?

- I'M WITH DOBIE.

- I SEE.

ALL RIGHT, BOYS, THAT'S
ALL. YOU'RE DISMISSED.

[SIGHS]

- HI, SWEETIE. I HAD
TO TAKE THE KIDS

TO HAVE THEIR BRACES TIGHTENED.

WHAT'S WRONG, LEANDER?

- PLENTY.
- TELL MAMA.

- WELL, YOU REMEMBER LAST NIGHT

WHEN DOBIE AND MAYNARD
WERE SITTING FOR US?

- YEAH.
- WELL, I THINK

THEY FOUND THE
EXAMINATION QUESTIONS.

I THINK THEY
CHEATED ON THE TEST.

- OH, COME ON, LEANDER.

I KNOW THEY'RE A
COUPLE OF KOOKY KIDS,

BUT CHEATING?

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT?

- WELL, DOBIE GOT
100 ON THE TEST.

- WELL, THAT'S POSSIBLE.

- MAYNARD DID TOO.

- OH, YOU'VE JUST
WON YOUR POINT.

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

- THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO.

IT HURTS ME, MAUDE,
REALLY HURTS ME.

THOUGHT I KNEW THOSE TWO BOYS.

I EVEN THOUGHT MAYBE
THEY PICKED UP A FEW NOTIONS

ABOUT HONOR AND DECENCY
FROM WHAT I'VE TAUGHT THEM.

- MR. POMFRITT? UH...

MR. POMFRITT, I'VE GOTTA
TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I JUST CAN'T KEEP IT
BOTTLED UP ANYMORE.

I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE
TO EAT OR SLEEP.

- ME TOO.
- OUT IN THE HALL JUST NOW,

GISELLE KISSED ME AND EVEN
THAT DIDN'T MAKE ME FEEL GOOD.

- ME TOO.
- GISELLE KISSED YOU TOO?

- NO, BUT I WOULDN'T
HAVE LIKED IT ANYHOW.

- BOYS, IS THERE SOMETHING
ON YOUR CONSCIENCE?

- MR. POMFRITT,
TRY NOT TO HATE US.

WE'RE NOT BAD, JUST WEAK.
- ESPECIALLY ME.

- WE CHEATED ON THAT
POETRY EXAM, MR. POMFRITT.

WE FOUND THE QUESTIONS
AT YOUR HOUSE LAST NIGHT

AND LOOKED UP THE ANSWERS.

- THANK YOU, BOYS. YOU'VE
MADE ME VERY HAPPY.

- HUH?

- I'LL HAVE TO FLUNK
YOU, OF COURSE.

- THIS MAKES YOU HAPPY?

- OF COURSE NOT, MAYNARD.

WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY IS
THAT MY FAITH IN YOU TWO

HAS BEEN JUSTIFIED.

I'VE NEVER BEEN SO
PROUD OF BEING A TEACHER

AS I AM RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT.

- AND I'VE NEVER BEEN SO
PROUD OF BEING A TEACHER'S WIFE.

- WELL, THERE GOES HARVARD.

- YEP.
- AND GISELLE.

- WELL, CHEER UP, GOOD
BUDDY. YOU ALWAYS GOT ME.

- YES, MAYNARD.
- AND YOU ALWAYS WILL.

I MEAN, IT'S YOU
AND ME SIDE BY SIDE

FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES.

- I'M AFRAID SO,
MAYNARD, I'M AFRAID SO.

- AND SO YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO HARVARD, HUH?

- NO, DAD.
- ME NEITHER.

- WELL, HARVARD'S
GAIN IS OUR LOSS.

- IT ISN'T HARVARD I MISS, DAD.

IT ISN'T MEETING
ALL THOSE RICH KIDS

AND GETTING TO BE
A RICH MAN MYSELF.

- IS THAT MY BOY WHO SAID THAT?

- NO, DAD, IT'S NOT THE
MONEY. IT'S SOMETHING ELSE.

- WELL, WHAT POSSIBLY
COULD ENTER INTO AN...

OH, WHAT A STUPID
QUESTION. WHO'S THE GIRL?

- HER NAME'S GISELLE
HURLBUT AND SHE'S GORGEOUS

AND SHE'S LOST TO ME FOREVER.

- NOT LOST, DOBIE. I'M
HERE AND I'M YOURS.

- GISELLE, I THOUGHT
YOU'D GONE TO RADCLIFFE!

- NO, DOBIE, I'M NOT GOING.

- BUT WHAT ABOUT
ALICE AND PHYLLIS?

- WHO?
- GISELLE'S KID SISTERS.

THEY'RE TWINS, BOTH OF THEM.

- DOBIE, REMEMBER I TOLD
YOU ABOUT MY FATHER,

HOW HE WORKS AT THE GAS
COMPANY READING METERS?

- YEAH.
- WELL, THE OTHER NIGHT,

HE BROUGHT HOME TWO
SNIFFERS FOR SUPPER.

- SNIFFERS! OOH, BOY,
DO I LOVE SNIFFERS!

WHAT'D YOU DO? PAN-FRY 'EM?

- NO, MAYNARD, SNIFFERS ARE MEN
WHO WORK FOR THE GAS COMPANY.

THEY WALK AROUND
IN THE GAS MAINS

SNIFFING TO SEE IF
THERE'S ANY LEAKS.

- UH, MISS, CONTINUE PLEASE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT,

BUT YOU FASCINATE ME.

SO YOUR FATHER BROUGHT
HOME TWO SNIFFERS?

- YES, NICE BOYS JUST
OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL.

WELL, ANYWAY, THEY
MET ALICE AND PHYLLIS

AND, WHAM, IT WAS
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.

THEY'RE ENGAGED NOW.

- SO NOW YOU DON'T
HAVE TO GO TO RADCLIFFE

AND FIND A RICH HUSBAND.

- YEAH, I CAN STAY RIGHT
HERE WITH POOR YOU.

AND WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE
IF WE DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY?

WE CAN ALWAYS LIVE
WITH YOUR FOLKS.

- GISELLE!
- AND ME TOO!

- AHH... MAYNARD!