The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 3, Episode 22 - Like Oh, Brother - full transcript

- YOU ARE LOOKING AT
DOBIE GILLIS, HUMANITARIAN.

I MEAN, I'M THE KIND OF PERSON
WHO GOES OUT OF HIS WAY

TO HELP MY FELLOW HUMAN BEINGS.

HOWEVER, I MUST CONFESS
THAT THIS ISN'T QUITE SO TOUGH

AS YOU MIGHT IMAGINE,
BECAUSE THE HUMAN BEINGS

I GO OUT OF MY WAY TO HELP
USUALLY LOOK LIKE THIS, OR THIS.

SO HOW COME ALL OF
A SUDDEN I FIND MYSELF

HELPING A FELLOW HUMAN
BEING WHO LOOKS LIKE THIS?

I'LL TELL YOU HOW COME.

IT'S BECAUSE I'M A CIVIC-MINDED,

PUBLIC-SPIRITED, RESPONSIBLE
CITIZEN OF MY COMMUNITY.



THAT'S HOW COME.

AND ALSO BECAUSE DR. BURKHART,
SHE'S MY SOCIOLOGY PROFESSOR

OVER AT THE JUNIOR COLLEGE,

BECAUSE DR. BURKHART POINTED
OUT A VERY INTERESTING FACT.

- YOU WILL EITHER DO IT OR
YOU WILL FLUNK THE COURSE.

- DOES THAT GO FOR ME
TOO, YOUR TEACHERSHIP?

- MR. KREBS, WHEN THE
SUBJECT OF FLUNKING COMES UP,

YOU ARE AUTOMATICALLY INCLUDED.

- OH, LIKE, THANK YOU,
YOUR DOCTORSHIP,

BECAUSE I'D SURE BE UN-GRUNTLED

TO BE LEFT OUT OF SUCH
AN HONORABLE GROUP.

- YOU ARE BOTH ON THE VERGE OF
FAILING THIS SOCIOLOGY COURSE.

BUT IF YOU MAKE GOOD WORKING

WITH THE CHILDREN AT
THE SETTLEMENT HOUSE,



THEN YOU MAY
REMAIN IN THIS CLASS.

- LIKE, BYE.
- MAYNARD.

BUT THE SETTLEMENT HOUSE IS
DOWN ON RIVER STREET, DR. BURKHART.

THAT'S THE ROUGHEST
NEIGHBORHOOD IN TOWN.

- YEAH. LIKE SWITCHBLADESVILLE.
- OH, MR. KREBS, YOU EXAGGERATE.

- BEGGING YOUR
PARDON, BUT I DON'T.

I MEAN, DOWN THERE WHEN
THEY WATCH "THE UNTOUCHABLES"

THEY ROOT AGAINST ELIOT NESS.

- MR. KREBS.
- I MEAN, ANY KID DOWN THERE

WITH TEETH IS A SISSY.

- MR. KREBS, AT EASE,
AND YOU ARE 100% WRONG.

I WORK AT THE
SETTLEMENT HOUSE MYSELF,

AND I'VE NEVER HAD
ONE BIT OF TROUBLE.

- YOU'RE PROBABLY
MURDER WITH A TIRE IRON.

- MAYNARD.

DR. BURKHART, I'M WORRIED
ABOUT THAT NEIGHBORHOOD TOO.

IF I WENT DOWN THERE,
I'D FEEL SORT OF, WELL,

UNEASY AND APPREHENSIVE,
AND WHAT'S THE USE,

THE WORD'S SCARED STIFF.

- GOOD THINKING. AND ANYHOW,

WHAT DO WE KNOW HOW
TO WORK WITH LITTLE TYKES

AT A SETTLEMENT HOUSE?

- OH, MORE THAN YOU SUSPECT.

YOU SEE, IT'S A VERIFIED FACT

THAT CHILDREN IN THEIR
FORMATIVE YEARS WITH PROBLEMS

INVOLVING INSUFFICIENT INNER
SECURITY ARE AIDED BY GUIDANCE

FROM THOSE IN AN AGE
GROUP WITH WHOM THEY SHARE

A SATISFACTORY
COMMUNITY OF INTERESTS

AND ADEQUATE SOCIAL AFFINITY.

- YOU TOOK THE WORDS
RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH.

AND IF THEM ARE THE
WORDS YOU'VE BEEN USING

WITH THEM LITTLE KIDS
DOWN ON RIVER STREET, MAN,

THEY MUST BE EVEN
MORE AT SEA THAN ME

'CAUSE I BEEN TREADING
WATER FOR THE LAST 10 MINUTES.

- WELL, IN THAT CASE, I HAVE
A STATEMENT IN LANGUAGE

I'M SURE YOU WILL UNDERSTAND.

IT'S VERY SIMPLE, AND IT
APPLIES TO BOTH OF YOU. EITHER...

- VOLUNTEER TO WORK AT THE
SETTLEMENT HOUSE OR WE FLUNK.

- PRECISELY. ANY QUESTIONS?

- JUST ONE. HOW DO WE GET THERE?

[JAZZ THEME]

- SO MAYNARD AND I BEGAN OUR
CAREERS AS PALS TO THE BOYS

AT THE RIVER STREET
SETTLEMENT HOUSE.

WE KNEW THAT ONCE WE GOT
INTO THE SWING OF THINGS,

IT'D BE FINE, REWARDING WORK.

SO WE PLUNGED IN WITH
BOUNDLESS ENTHUSIASM.

- THE ONLY WAY YOU'RE
GONNA GET ME DOWN THERE

IS OVER MY DEAD BODY.

- ALL RIGHT, SO MAYNARD
WAS SLIGHTLY RELUCTANT,

BUT I QUICKLY POINTED OUT
THAT BY REFUSING TO HELP,

HE WAS BEING SELFISH AND
UNGENEROUS AND UN-AMERICAN.

- YEAH. HOW ABOUT THAT.

- THAT'S WHEN I BROUGHT
UP THE HEAVY ARTILLERY.

I LOOKED MAYNARD
STRAIGHT IN THE EYE.

NOT THE EASIEST THING
IN THE WORLD TO DO,

AND I SAID, MAYNARD,
IF YOU DON'T HELP OUT

AT THE SETTLEMENT HOUSE,
DR. BURKHART WILL FLUNK YOU

IN SOCIOLOGY AND THEY'LL
THROW YOU OUT OF SCHOOL,

AND YOUR FATHER WILL
MAKE YOU GO TO WORK.

- WORK! OH, QUICK, AIM ME
TOWARD THAT SENTIMENTAL HOUSE.

- HE MEANT "SETTLEMENT HOUSE,"

BUT AT LAST HE WAS
ON THE RIGHT TRACK.

SO WE AIMED OURSELVES
TOWARD RIVER STREET

TO MEET THE CUTE LITTLE KIDS
WHO WERE EAGERLY WAITING

FOR OUR HELP.

- YOU CREEPS ARE GONNA
HELP US? OH, COME NOW.

- YOU BET WE'RE GONNA
HELP YOU, YOU POOR,

LITTLE MISERABLE PRODUCT OF
YOUR POOR, MISERABLE ENVIRONMENT.

- HEY, MISTER, CAN
I ASK A QUESTION?

- SURE, ANYTHING YOUR
LITTLE PATHETIC HEART DESIRES.

- WHAT KIND OF ROCK HAVE
YOU BEEN HIDING UNDER?

- HEY, DOBE, HOW OLD
ARE THESE LITTLE TYKES?

- AROUND 11, WHY?

- BECAUSE, MAN, THEY'RE
SURE GONNA HAVE A TOUGH TIME

MAKING IT TO 12.

- BOO.
- BE STRONG, MAYNARD.

SURE, IT'LL BE TOUGH, BUT
DR. BURKHART GAVE US AN ASSIGNMENT,

AND DOGGONE IT, WE'RE
GOING TO CARRY IT OUT.

- LIKE TRUE, BUT HOW
YOU GOING TO MAKE SURE

THEY DON'T CARRY US OUT FIRST?

- NOW YOU'RE TALKING.

- HEY, DOBE, WOULDN'T IT BE
MUCH EASIER IF WE FLUNKED?

- NO, MAYNARD, WE'RE
GONNA FIGHT THIS THROUGH.

ARE WE NOT MEN
ENOUGH TO OVERCOME

A COUPLE OF LITTLE PROBLEMS?

- LIKE, TRUE. WE ARE
NOT MEN ENOUGH.

- MAYNARD.
- OKAY. OKAY. WE'RE MEN ENOUGH.

- RIGHT. BOTH OF US.
- RIGHT. BOTH OF US, EXCEPT ME.

- HEY, FELLAS, WHICH WAY
IS DR. BURKHART'S OFFICE?

- UP THERE, AND TELL THE DOC

THAT THE ONLY REASON WE CAME
HERE TODAY IS ON ACCOUNT OF

SHE PROMISED US ICE
CREAM, AND WHERE IS IT?

- OKAY, WE'LL TELL HER, YOU
POOR, LITTLE ILL-FED CHOWHOUND.

- WE'LL ALSO TELL HER
THAT KREBS AND GILLIS

ARE HERE SO SHE HAS
NO MORE PROBLEMS.

- DR. BURKHART,
YOU GOT A PROBLEM.

EITHER WE HAVE SOME KIDS HANGING
AROUND THIS SETTLEMENT HOUSE

OR WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO
CLOSE THE WHOLE PLACE DOWN.

- OH, MR. HAWLEY,

I KNOW ATTENDANCE
HAS BEEN DISAPPOINTING,

BUT IT TAKES TIME TO GET

A NEW SETTLEMENT
HOUSE RUNNING PROPERLY.

- SURE, DOC, BUT THE
KIDS IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD

HAVEN'T GOT TIME TO WAIT.

I KNOW. I GREW UP ON THIS BLOCK.

- ME TOO, DOC. WE BUILT
THE SETTLEMENT HOUSE

ON ACCOUNT OF WE WANTED TO
HELP THE KIDS IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD,

BUT I NEVER SEE
ANY OF THEM IN HERE.

- YEAH. THEY ACT LIKE THIS WAS
AN OFF-LIMITS REFORM SCHOOL.

- GENTLEMEN, I ASSUME
THAT YOU HAVE CONFIDENCE

IN MY QUALIFICATIONS OR YOU
WOULDN'T HAVE PUT ME IN CHARGE.

SO YOU'LL SIMPLY HAVE
TO RELY ON MY JUDGMENT.

- SURE, WE GOT
CONFIDENCE IN YOU, DOC.

AFTER ALL, YOU GOT MORE DEGREES
THAN YOU CAN SHAKE A COLLEGE AT,

AND YOU WRITE BOOKS
THAT GOT TO BE GOOD

BECAUSE I DON'T
UNDERSTAND A WORD IN THEM,

BUT WHERE'S THE RESULTS?

- PLEASE BE PATIENT.

- FOR THREE MONTHS
NOW WE'VE BEEN PATIENT,

BUT WE'RE COMING TO
THE END OF THE LINE.

NOW, MY ASSOCIATES HERE
AND ME, WE'RE IN BUSINESS,

AND WE KNOW WHEN A
PRODUCT AIN'T SELLING.

- YOU'RE OUT OF BUSINESS.

- RIGHT, OUT OF BUSINESS.
- RIGHT. WAY OUT.

- MR. HAWLEY, WE ARE CONSTANTLY
INTRODUCING NEW TECHNIQUES

TO STIMULATE ATTENDANCE.

TODAY WE BEGIN A
SPECIAL FAVORITE OF MINE.

IT'S CALLED PSYCHODRAMA.

- PSYCHO WHAT-A?
- PSYCHODRAMA, MR. HAWLEY.

IT IS A FORM OF GROUP THERAPY
THAT ENCOURAGES THE CHILDREN

TO RELIEVE THEIR INNER
TENSIONS BY ACTING THEM OUT.

- WELL, COULDN'T THEY RELIEVE IT
BY THROWING A BASKETBALL AROUND

OR JUMPING INTO THE POOL

THAT COST US A
COTTON-PICKIN' FORTUNE?

- MR. HAWLEY, AN ATHLETIC
PROGRAM IS ONLY THE BEGINNING.

THESE CHILDREN
NEED ADDITIONAL HELP.

- OKAY, DOC. YOU'RE THE DOC.

BUT WE GOT A BIG INVESTMENT
HERE TO HELP THE KIDS

AND I WANT TO SEE
THIS JOINT JUMPIN'

WHEN WE STOP BY
HERE AGAIN TOMORROW,

IF YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN.

- YES, I'M AFRAID I DO
SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.

- YEAH, MORE KIDS.
- YEAH, HANGING AROUND.

- I HATE TO PUT IT ON THE
LINE TO YOU LIKE THIS, DOC,

BUT HELPING THESE KIDS
IS VERY IMPORTANT TO US.

I WANT TO STOP EVERY ONE OF THEM
FROM GROWING UP TO BE A CRUMMY,

SHAGGY, NO-GOOD BUM.

- YOU RANG?
- HI, DR. BURKHART, WE'RE HERE.

- AND NOT A MINUTE
TOO SOON. DOC,

I'VE SEEN UNDERPRIVILEGED
KIDS BEFORE,

BUT THIS ONE TOPS IT ALL.

HE NEEDS INSTANT HELP.

- OH, BEGGING YOUR PARDON,
YOUR PROSPERITYSHIP.

- NO, MR. HAWLEY,
THAT'S MR. KREBS,

ONE OF THE STUDENTS
FROM THE COLLEGE.

BOTH BOYS HAVE VOLUNTEERED
TO WORK WITH THE CHILDREN.

- THIS TYPE IS
GOING TO HELP KIDS?

- LIKE, READY AND EAGER
AND WILLING TO SERVE, SIR.

- THEY'RE DOOMED.
- DON'T YOU WORRY, SIR,

WE'VE BEEN STUDYING UP
ON HOW TO HANDLE KIDS.

- LIKE, TRUE.

LAST NIGHT ON THE
LATE, LATE SHOW

WE WATCHED "BOYS
TOWN" THREE TIMES.

- OH, BROTHER.
- I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TO DO

IF A KID SHOWS UP

WHICH LOOKS EXACTLY
LIKE MICKEY ROONEY.

- COME ON, MEN,
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE

BEFORE I START CRYING
OVER WHAT'S HAPPENED

TO MY OLD NEIGHBORHOOD.

- LIKE, HAIL AND FAREWELL,
YOUR TYCOONSHIPS.

- LET'S KEEP THIS
TO OURSELVES, HUH?

IF IT EVER GOT OUT,

THIS WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD WILL
BE TURNED INTO A DISASTER AREA.

- NICE FELLOWS.

- WHEN DO WE START HELPING
WITH THE KIDS, DR. BURKHART?

- YEAH. WE WANT TO REFORM
THEM INTO HAPPY LITTLE MERCHANTS.

- MR. KREBS, THAT URCHINS,

AND TODAY I JUST
WANT YOU TO OBSERVE.

WE'RE STARTING A
GROUP IN PSYCHODRAMA.

- PSYCHO WHAT-A?

- MAYNARD, EVERYBODY...
PSYCHO WHAT-A?

- PSYCHODRAMA. COME WITH
ME, I'LL SHOW YOU HOW IT WORKS.

I HAD TO PROMISE THE
CHILDREN ICE CREAM

TO GET THEM HERE TODAY,

BUT I KNOW THEY'RE
GOING TO BE VERY HAPPY

WHEN THEY HEAR
ABOUT PSYCHODRAMA.

- HOOKEY DRAMA.

I'M CUTTING OUT OF
HERE ON THE DOUBLE.

- DID YOU NOTICE THE
DEEP-ROOTED RELUCTANCE

TO ENTER INTO AN UNFAMILIAR
LEARNING SITUATION,

COMPLETELY PREDICTABLE.

NOW, CHILDREN, THE
PURPOSE OF OUR EXPERIMENT

IS TO RELIEVE OUR
SUPPRESSED AGGRESSIONS

BY ARTICULATING
THEIR BASIC CAUSES.

THE ACTUAL ENUNCIATION
OF THE ANXIETY

IN ITSELF FUNCTIONS AS A CURE.

- YOU TOOK THE WORDS
RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH,

AND YOU CAN HAVE THEM.

- YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT.

- COME ON, FELLAS,
CUT THE CLOWNING.

YOU ALL KNOW WHAT
DR. BURKHART MEANS.

IF YOU DON'T FEEL TOO GOOD,

SOMETIMES TALKING ABOUT
IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

- YOU'RE KIDDING.
- NO. GO AWAY.

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
- NOW, LET US LISTEN.

ON OCCASION YOU MAY
FEEL AN INNER HOSTILITY

RESULTING FROM SOME
EXTERNAL IRRITANT,

AND WHEN THIS HAPPENS,
HOW DO YOU FEEL?

- LIKE, UTTERLY CONFUSED.
- THAT'S RIGHT.

- LISTEN. LISTEN,

DR. BURKHART'S JUST TRYING
TO HELP YOU FEEL BETTER.

- WHAT FOR? I FEEL GREAT.

- I MEAN, FEEL BETTER INSIDE.

- INSIDE I FEEL EVEN BETTER
THAN I DO ON THE OUTSIDE.

- SO LET'S CHECK OUT OF HERE.

- YEAH!
- WAIT... WAIT A MINUTE, FELLAS.

WAIT. I'VE GOT AN IDEA.

SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN.

WE'LL MAKE A GAME
OUT OF THIS. NOW,

IN THIS GAME WE'LL PRETEND YOU
FEEL REAL MAD ABOUT SOMETHING.

WHEN YOU FEEL THAT
WAY, WHAT DO YOU DO?

- I SOCK MY LITTLE BROTHER.

- DISTINCTLY ANTI-SOCIAL.

YOU SEE, THE PURPOSE
OF PSYCHODRAMA

IS TO MAKE YOU STOP
STRIKING YOUR LITTLE BROTHER.

- BUT I LIKE SOCKING HIM.

IT MAKES ME FEEL
GOOD ON THE INSIDE.

- BUT HOW DOES YOUR
LITTLE BROTHER FEEL?

- BAD, SO HE SOCKS
MY LITTLER BROTHER.

- AND WHAT DOES HE DO?

- HE KICKS MY LITTLE SISTER.

- WHAT DISGRACEFUL CONDUCT.

- GEE, I'M GETTING ALL MISTY.

- I CAN'T BLAME YOU, MR. KREBS.

WITNESSING THE BEHAVIOR
OF THESE CHILDREN

IS ENOUGH TO MAKE A PERSON CRY.

- NO, MA'AM, I'M CRYING

BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE
NO LITTLE SISTER TO KICK.

I MEAN, IT'S PITIFUL TO BE
AN UNDERPRIVILEGED CHILD.

- HEY, HE'S ALL RIGHT.

HOW COME HE AIN'T
SITTING OUT HERE WITH US?

- YEAH!
- ORDER, ORDER.

WE WILL HAVE DECORUM HERE.

- WHICH DO YOU WANT,
MA'AM, ORDER OR DECORUM?

- NOW, COME ON, FELLAS,
NOW, LET'S QUIET DOWN.

NOW, YOU'LL SEE WHAT A BALL
THIS PSYCHODRAMA CAN BE.

- NOW, WE SHALL
CONTINUE OUR EXPERIMENT.

I WANT EACH OF YOU
CHILDREN TO ACT OUT

WHATEVER HAPPENS TO BE
BOTHERING YOU AT THE MOMENT.

PETE, YOU MAY GO FIRST.

DO WHATEVER YOU FEEL LIKE DOING.

WELL, WHAT ON
EARTH ARE YOU DOING?

- SCRAMMING OUT OF HERE.
THAT'S WHAT I FEEL LIKE DOING.

- YOU GET BACK TO YOUR
SEAT AT ONCE, YOUNG MAN.

JIM, I WANT YOU TO ASSUME
THE ROLE OF PETE'S MOTHER

AND EXPRESS YOUR THOUGHTS
AS HE SEEKS TO ESCAPE.

- YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING. BYE!

- YEAH, JIM, JIM,
LOOK, IT'S A CINCH.

JUST TELL US WHAT YOU THINK
PETE'S MOTHER WOULD SAY TO HIM

WHEN HE STARTED TO
SCRAM OUT OF HERE.

MAKE A GAME OUT OF IT.

- OH, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?

PROBABLY SOMETHING LIKE,
HEY, COME ON BACK HERE,

YOU CREEP, OR I'LL
BREAK YOUR ARM.

- FOR SHAME. IS THAT THE
WAY A MOTHER WOULD TALK?

- MINE DOES.

- QUIET. QUIET. ALL OF YOU.

MR. KREBS, WILL YOU PLAY
THE PART OF THE MOTHER?

- OH, NO, NOT ME, PLEASE,
YOUR BLACKBOARDSHIP.

I'D NEVER BE ABLE
TO HOLD MY HEAD UP

IN THE BOYS' LOCKER ROOM AGAIN.

- THAT'S RIGHT.
- MR. KREBS,

EVERY WORD YOU SPEAK
BRINGS YOU CLOSER TO FLUNKING.

- I'D RATHER FLUNK THAN
BE SOMEBODY'S MOTHER.

I'M NOT BUILT FOR THE PART.

[CHEERING]

- QUIET. QUIET, ALL OF YOU.

- HEY, PETE, I'M YOUR MOTHER

AND I'M GIVING YOU ORDERS

TO START A STICKBALL
GAME IN THE ALLEY.

- YOU BET, MOTHER, DEAR.

I DON'T WANT NO WHIPPING, AND
YOU PACK A PRETTY MEAN WALLOP.

- ARE YOU KIDS GOING TO GET
OUT THERE AND START THAT GAME

WITHOUT YOUR DEAR, SWEET,
LITTLE OLD GRAY-HAIRED MOTHER

GIVES YOU A BELT?

- COME ON, GUYS, LET'S GO!

- FELLAS, WAIT... WAIT,
COME BACK HERE. OW!

- COME BACK, YOU
UNGRATEFUL RUFFIANS.

YOU COME BACK HERE.

- THEY'RE GONE, DR. BURKHART.

- AND NO OFFENSE BUT I
THINK YOU'RE MIXING UP

THEIR POOR LITTLE
HEADS WITH ALL THAT TALK

ABOUT INNER TENNIS SHOES.

- MR. KREBS, THAT'S
INNER TENSIONS,

AND I'LL THANK YOU TO KEEP

YOUR ILL-CONSIDERED
OPINIONS TO YOURSELF.

- YEAH, DR. BURKHART,
MAYNARD DIDN'T MEAN THAT

THE WAY IT SOUNDED.

- SURE I DID, DOBE.
THAT'S WHY I SAID IT.

- VERY WELL, MR. KREBS. OUT!

YOU ARE AN INSUFFERABLE,
INEPT, UNRULY BUNGLER.

- I NEVER SAID I WAS PERFECT.
- OUT!

- DR. BURKHART, LISTEN, PLEASE.

- YEAH. PLEASE,
YOUR EDUCATIONSHIP,

ALL I WAS TRYING TO...

- MR. KREBS, MUST I
SHOW YOU THE DOOR?

- NO, MA'AM, I ALREADY
SEE THE DOOR.

- I'LL GO DRAG THE KIDS
BACK, DR. BURKHART.

- OH, DON'T BOTHER, MR. GILLIS.
AFTER WHAT HAPPENED,

NONE OF THEM WILL EVER COME
BACK, AND WHY SHOULD THEY?

- DR. BURKHART...

- I HAD NO RIGHT TO
SPEAK TO MR. KREBS

OR THE CHILDREN THAT WAY.

IT'S JUST THAT I'M
TRYING SO TERRIBLY HARD

TO GET THROUGH TO THEM,
AND I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO DO IT.

- I WON'T HAVE ANY TROUBLE
BRINGING MAYNARD BACK.

HE MIGHT BE MAD FOR A WHILE,
BUT HE'S KIND AND GENTLE,

AND HE'LL GET
OVER IT IN A HURRY.

- I'M MEAN AND ROTTEN
AND I AIN'T NEVER, EVER

GONNA GET OVER IT.

THAT TEACHER, HUH,
SHE DONE ME DIRT,

KICKING ME OUT OF
SCHOOL AND DISGRACING ME

AND TOSSING ME OUT INTO
THE COLD, CRUEL WORLD

THAT SCARES ME.

NOT TO MENTION VICE VERSA,
AND MAKING ME GO TO WORK. WORK!

LIKE, WOE IS ME. IT'S
LIKE ALAS AND ALACK...

AND ALACK AND ALAS.

- HI, MAYNARD.

- WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE, MAYNARD?

- MAYNARD, HOW COME
YOU'RE JUST SITTING THERE

LIKE A BUMP ON A LOG?

- YOU RANG? OH, LIKE, HI,
LITTLE WRETCHED OFFSPRINGS

OF YOUR WRETCHED SURROUNDINGS.

- SO YOU WALKED OUT ON
OLD DOC BURKHART TOO, HUH?

- YEAH.
- MAN, WHAT A DRAG SHE IS.

- LIKE, RIGHT, BUT
SHE CAN'T HELP IT.

FOR OPENERS SHE'S A GROWNUP,

AND YOU KNOW HOW MUCH
TROUBLE GROWNUPS HAVE. LIKE, TRUE?

- LIKE, TRUE!

- I MEAN, A HUNDRED
PERCENT OF THE HEADACHES,

AND A HUNDRED AND TWO PERCENT,

THAT'S ALMOST TWICE AS
MUCH, OF THE SPANKINGS

ARE CAUSED BY
GROWNUPS, LIKE, TRUE?

- LIKE, YEAH.

- I MEAN, THEY'RE ALL THE TIME
SAYING HOW MUCH THEY WANT TO,

YOU KNOW, LET US HAVE FUN,

AND THEN THEY KEEP
THINKING UP SNEAKY TRICKS

TO STOP US FROM
HAVING FUN, LIKE, TRUE?

- RIGHT.
- YEAH.

- I MEAN, BAKING A DREAMY APPLE
PIE THAT KIDS GET STOMACHACHES

FROM EATING TOO
MUCH OF, LIKE, TRUE?

- RIGHT.
- RIGHT ALL THE WAY.

- AND WEARING THEM BIG TALL
HATS THAT KIDS GET WALLOPED

FOR FOR THROWING
SNOWBALLS AT, LIKE, TRUE?

- SURE IS.
- AND, I MEAN, INVENTING MOVIES

THAT KIDS GO TO SEE
AND SPEND ALL THEIR TIME

SO THEY CAN FLUNK
IN SCHOOL, LIKE, TRUE?

- LIKE, YEAH.
- GROWNUPS, WHO NEEDS THEM, HUH?

- YEAH, YOU SAID.
- THEY'RE TROUBLEMAKERS.

- YEAH. AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING
ELSE, LITTLE MOPPET TYPES?

- WHAT?
- WHAT?

- I AIN'T NEVER
GONNA BE A GROWNUP.

I'M GONNA THINK UP A
WAY TO STAY EXACTLY

LIKE I AM, FOREVER.

[CHEERING]

- MAYNARD, IF ANYBODY
CAN DO IT, IT'S YOU.

[CHEERING]

- GENTLEMEN, I'M PROUD
AND PLEASURED AND HONORED

TO BE ONE OF YOU.

- HEY, MAN, ISN'T
THIS THE GREATEST?

- HEY, YOU'VE NEVER DONE
THIS BEFORE, MAYNARD?

- NO, I TOLD YOU I
WAS UNDERPRIVILEGED.

AT MY HOUSE, ALL WE HAD
WAS AN OLD DUMB BATHTUB.

- HE DIDN'T EVEN GO
HOME THAT NIGHT TO SLEEP.

I DIDN'T FIND HIM UNTIL
THE NEXT MORNING.

WHAT A JOB.

AND WHEN I FINALLY
DID LOCATE HIM,

I RAN INTO A JOB THAT
WAS EVEN TOUGHER.

- NO, GOOD BUDDY. I AIN'T
LEAVING HERE EVER, MAYBE LONGER.

- MAYNARD, YOU'VE
GOT TO COME BACK.

- NOPE, THE ONLY WAY THEY'RE
GONNA GET ME OUT OF HERE

IS OVER MY DEAD BODY.

I LIKE IT HERE AND THEY LOVE ME.

- MAYNARD.
- NO, DOBE.

HERE, I'M A HUMAN PERSON.
I HAVE DIGNITY AND STATUE.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S STATURE
AND YOU'VE GOT IT AT HOME TOO.

AND WHAT ABOUT YOUR HOME?

YOUR FOLKS WILL MISS
YOU SOMETHING AWFUL.

- ME? OH, COME NOW.

- MAYNARD, LET ME
PUT IT ANOTHER WAY.

IF YOU STAY DOWN HERE,
WHO'S GOING TO FEED YOU?

IT'S NOT EASY, YOU
KNOW HOW YOU EAT.

- YEAH, I'M A BOTTOMLESS
PIT WITH A BEARD.

- TRUE, SO IF YOU STAY YOU'LL BE
PILING A HEAVY LOAD ON SOMEBODY.

THE PEOPLE DOWN HERE
JUST CAN'T AFFORD YOU.

- OH, YEAH. IT'LL BE
WELCOME TO DOORSVILLE.

I MEAN, TAKING FOOD RIGHT
OUT OF LITTLE TODDLINGS' MOUTH,

I MEAN, STARVING THE
HAND THAT FEEDS ME,

AND SPREADING HUNGER
LIKE WILDFLOWERS.

- RIGHT.

- AND RUINING EVERYTHING
FOR THEM REAL NICE PEOPLE

WHO'VE BEEN TRYING TO HELP ME.

- I'M AFRAID THAT'S
HOW IT'LL BE, MAYNARD.

- AND THEY'LL BE
WAIFS WASTING AWAY

ON ACCOUNT OF I'M
EATING THEIR MILK

AND DRINKING THEIR PORRIDGE.

- HI, MAYNARD, BUDDY.
LET'S GO HACK AROUND, HUH?

- DON'T TALK TO
ME, I'M A MURDERER.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT, MAYNARD?

- OH, NOTHING.

I JUST GOT TO
LEAVE RIVER STREET,

SO IT'S, LIKE, HAIL AND
FAREWELL, KIDLINGS.

- LEAVE RIVER STREET?
OH, YOU CAN'T, MAYNARD.

- I'M SORRY, YOU
LITTLE RAGGED MUFFINS,

BUT IT'S JUST GOT TO
BE DONE, SO, LIKE, BYE.

- MAYNARD, YOU'RE A
REGULAR PIED PIPER.

- PIED WHO?

- YOU PROMISE YOU AIN'T BUGGED
WITH ME, YOUR DIPLOMASHIP?

- NO, MR. KREBS, I AM
NOT BUGGED AT YOU.

I HAD NO RIGHT TO FLY
OFF THE HANDLE AS I DID,

AND I APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT I SAID.
- THEN YOU DON'T THINK

I'M INSUFFERABLE,
INEPT AND UNRULY?

- NO, MR. KREBS.
NOT EVEN SLIGHTLY.

- OH, THAT MEANS I'M
SUFFERABLE, EPT, AND RULY AGAIN.

OH, FOR JOY FOR JOY.

- HM. THANK YOU, DR. BURKHART.

BELIEVE ME, MAYNARD AND
I WILL PITCH IN LIKE CRAZY

TO HELP YOU WITH THESE KIDS.

- WELL, I APPRECIATE
THAT, MR. GILLIS,

BUT I'M AFRAID IT'S TOO LATE.
- OH, NO, MA'AM. NO.

IN A COUPLE OF DAYS
THOSE KIDS WILL FORGET

ALL ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED, AND
START DROPPING AROUND AGAIN.

- WELL, NO, IN A COUPLE
OF DAYS I'LL BE GONE,

AND MR. HAWLEY AND HIS COMMITTEE

ARE GOING TO DROP IN
AGAIN THIS AFTERNOON,

AND IF THEY DON'T
FIND THE PLACE "JUMPIN'"

THEY'RE GOING TO REPLACE
ME, AND THEY HAVE EVERY RIGHT.

- GEE, THAT'S AWFUL.

- GEE, I'M GETTING
ALL MISTY AGAIN.

- I'M GETTING ALL
MISTY TOO, MR. KREBS.

THIS WORK IS MY WHOLE
LIFE. IT'S ALL I HAVE.

I DON'T HAVE A FAMILY
OR CHILDREN OF MY OWN,

AND WORKING HERE WITH
OTHER PEOPLE'S CHILDREN

IS MY WHOLE LIFE,

BUT I'D BETTER STICK WITH
THE BOOKS FROM HERE ON IN.

I'M A WHIZ AT THEORY
AND A DUNCE AT PRACTICE.

- NO OFFENSE, DR. BURKHART,

BECAUSE YOU'RE A
FINE, HELPFUL PERSON,

BUT MAYBE THE REASON YOU'RE
HAVING TROUBLE WITH THE KIDS

IS BECAUSE YOU TALK TO
THEM LIKE A PROFESSOR,

AND BOY, THAT'LL
LOSE THEM BUT QUICK.

- I SEE.
- I'M NO EXPERT,

BUT I WAS THINKING THAT
MAYBE IF YOU TALKED TO THEM

IN LANGUAGE THEY CAN UNDERSTAND,

YOU KNOW, KIND OF LIKE I
TALKED TO THEM A WHILE AGO,

THEN THEY MIGHT
START PAYING ATTENTION

AND GET SOME GOOD OUT OF
WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO TELL THEM.

- THANK YOU FOR YOUR
SUGGESTION, MR. GILLIS.

IT'S A PITY I WON'T HAVE A
CHANCE TO PUT IT TO USE.

- OF COURSE YOU WILL,
WON'T SHE, MAY... MAYNARD?

- WHERE DID HE GO?

- I DON'T KNOW. HE'S
GONE. JUST GONE.

- GONE, REAL GONE.

THAT'S THE KIND OF REAL
HUMAN BEING DR. BURKHART IS.

- AW, GEE, MAYNARD.

SHE LIKES TO STAND AROUND AND
PRETEND TO BE SOMEONE WE AIN'T.

- SHE'S TRYING TO HELP YOU.
- AH, SHE'S A PAIN.

- SURE, ANYTHING THAT'S
GONNA HELP YOU IS GONNA HURT,

YOU KNOW, LIKE MEDICINE, RIGHT?

- YEAH.
- OKAY, THEN I WANT ALL YOU GUYS

TO COME WITH ME OVER
TO THE SETTLEMENT HOUSE

AND GET HELPED,
EVEN IF IT HURTS.

- DO WE HAVE TO, MAYNARD?
- YOU HAVE TO.

NOW, HER LADYSHIP HAS BEEN
TRYING TO HELP YOU POOR,

PITIFUL PRODUCTS OF THIS
POOR, PITIFUL ENVIRONMENT,

AND SHE'S BEEN RUNNING
AROUND KNOCKING HERSELF OUT

JUST TRYING TO SAVE YOU.

I DON'T SEE HOW YOU
CAN JUST STAND THERE

AND NOT GO BACK AND...
SOMEBODY GOT A HANDKERCHIEF?

I'M GETTING TOO MISTY.

- HEY, I NEVER SEEN A
GROWN MAN CRY BEFORE.

IT'S SPOOKY.

- ALL RIGHT, MEN. COME
ON, LET'S MUSH ON. COME ON.

- HOW COME WE'RE NOT DOING
WHAT MAYNARD WANTS US TO?

HE WOULDN'T STEER
US WRONG, HE DIGS US.

MAYNARD'S THE BEST FRIEND WE
EVER HAD AROUND HERE, AIN'T HE?

- YEAH.

- THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO HEAR.

SO WHEN HE SAYS MUSH
ON, WHAT DO WE DO?

- MUSH ON.

- BUT WHY LEAVE
NOW, DR. BURKHART?

SOMETHING COULD STILL
HAPPEN BEFORE MR. HAWLEY

AND THOSE OTHER MEN GET HERE.

- THANK YOU FOR YOUR
CHEERFUL THOUGHTS, MR. GILLIS,

BUT I'VE LONG SINCE GIVEN
UP EXPECTING MIRACLES.

NO, I'LL FEEL BETTER GETTING OUT
NOW WHILE IT'S STILL VOLUNTARY.

A LITTLE LATER ON, I'D BE
LEAVING BY POPULAR REQUEST.

YOU KNOW, I HAD A LOT OF BRIGHT,

SHINY HOPES FOR THIS SETTLEMENT
HOUSE A FEW WEEKS AGO,

BUT SOMETIMES
THINGS HAPPEN THAT...

[MAYNARD PLAYING MUSIC]

- LIKE, HI, WE'RE BACK,
ME AND MY FRIENDS.

- MR. KREBS, YOU
ARE A PIED PIPER.

- PIED WHO?
- MAYNARD, I'M PROUD OF YOU.

- YEAH? ALL RIGHT, YOU CATS.

GRAB A SEAT AND AIM YOUR
EARS TO THE DOCTORSHIP.

- THANK YOU BOYS
FOR COMING BACK,

AND THANK YOU, MR. KREBS.

YOU ARE A FINE,
CONSIDERATE GENTLEMAN.

- ME? OH, COME NOW.

- NOW, CHILDREN, WE WILL
RESUME OUR EXPERIMENT

WITH THE PSYCHODRAMATIC
APPROACH.

THE PRIMARY PURPOSE
OF A PSYCHODRAMA

IS TO RELIEVE THE
INNER PRESSURES

THAT FOMENTS CONFLICT
IN THE UNCONSCIOUS.

BOYS. BOYS.

- DR. BURKHART, YOU
WERE GOING TO USE...

WELL, A DIFFERENT
APPROACH, REMEMBER?

- I KNOW, MR. GILLIS, BUT I
JUST CAN'T SEEM TO DO IT.

- TRY, DR. BURKHART,
PLEASE, TRY.

- HI, DOC, SAY, YOU GOT
A GREAT BUNCH IN HERE.

THE PLACE IS REALLY LOADED,
JUST LIKE WE LIKE TO SEE IT.

- RIGHT.
- RIGHT.

- OH, GOOD AFTERNOON, GENTLEMEN,

WE WERE JUST BEGINNING
OUR PSYCHODRAMA SESSION.

- GO AHEAD. DON'T
PAY NO MIND TO US.

- YEAH. YEAH. LET'S SEE
HOW THIS STUFF WORKS.

- CHILDREN...

FELLAS... FELLAS,

I KNOW WE ALL GOT
THINGS THAT BUG US,

SO WHAT WE WANT TO DO
NOW IS TRY AND FIND OUT A WAY

TO GET UNBUGGED.

JUST ASK YOURSELF WHAT'S THE
THING THAT BUGS YOU THE MOST,

LIKE PESKY KID
BROTHERS, AND HOMEWORK,

AND NO TELEVISION AFTER 9:00.

- PRETTY SMART OF THE
DOC, TALKING TO THEM

IN THEIR OWN LINGO.

- PLENTY SMART, J.H.

- I JUST REMEMBER, I PICKED HER.
- BRILLIANT, J.H. BRILLIANT.

- NOW, LET'S GIVE IT A TRY.

JIM, WHAT'S THE THING
THAT BUGS YOU THE MOST?

- DOING DISHES. MAN,
THAT IS THE LOWEST.

- YEAH. THAT'S LOW ALL RIGHT,

BUT NOT AS LOW
AS SHOVELING SNOW.

- YEAH, ESPECIALLY
IN THE SUMMERTIME

WHEN THERE AIN'T NO SNOW.

- I CAN TELL YOUR KIDS
SOMETHING LOWER THAN THAT.

CARRYING IN COAL.

- ALL RIGHT, NOW, LET'S
PUT SOME OF THESE THINGS

THAT BUT YOU INTO A LITTLE PLAY.

JIM, LET'S PRETEND THAT
IT'S RIGHT AFTER SUPPER.

ALL THE OTHER KIDS
ARE OUT PLAYING,

BUT YOUR MOTHER
WON'T LET YOU GO.

- HOW'D YOU KNOW?

- AMERICAN KNOW-HOW.

JIM, ASSUME THE ROLE
OF PETE'S MOTHER.

- ME? THE MOTHER?

- SURE. PUT YOURSELF
INTO HER SHOES.

TRY TO THINK LIKE HER.

MR. KREBS, YOU BE JIM.

- HEY, MA?
- YEAH, JIM?

- I FINISHED DINNER.

CAN I GO OUTSIDE
AND HACK AROUND?

- NO. GO WASH THE DISHES.
- I DON'T WANNA.

- WASH OR I BAT YOU.

- OH, GEE, MOM, I WANT
TO BE LIKE THE OTHER KIDS

AND GO OUT AND BREAK
A COUPLE OF WINDOWS.

- WASH FIRST, BREAK LATER.
- OH, GEE, WHY?

- YEAH? WHY DON'T
MY SISTER DO THEM?

- YEAH, DOC. WHY DOESN'T
HIS SISTER DO THEM?

- YEAH?

- WELL...
- JIM, HOW OLD'S YOUR SISTER?

- NEXT MONTH SHE'LL BE TWO.

- I REST MY CASE.

- JIM, REMEMBER YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE YOUR MOTHER IN THIS PLAY.

NOW, IF YOU REALLY ASKED HER
WHY SHE MADE YOU WASH THE DISHES,

WHAT DO YOU THINK SHE'D SAY?

- WELL, SHE'D PROBABLY SAY
SHE WORKS HARD ALL DAY COOKING

AND SEWING AND LIKE
THAT, AND SHE'S BUSHED,

AND I'M SORRY YOU
MADE ME DO THIS,

'CAUSE ALL OF A
SUDDEN I SEE SHE'S RIGHT.

- YEAH. COME TO THINK OF IT, SO
WAS MY MA, LOTS OF YEARS AGO.

- YEAH.

- WHAT ABOUT BABYSITTING?

- WHAT ABOUT EMPTYING THE TRASH?

- YEAH.

- OKAY, OKAY.

NOW THAT YOU ALL
DIG PSYCHODRAMA,

DOES ANYONE HAVE A PSYCHODRAMA
OF HIS OWN TO SUGGEST?

- YEAH.

- OKAY. OKAY.

ONE AT A TIME, CHUMS.

THE LINE FORMS RIGHT HERE.

- HEY, MA, YOU'RE GOING
TO LEAVE ME STUCK HERE

WITH ALL THE DISHES?

- MAYNARD, WE
ALREADY FINISHED THAT.

- WHO'S MAYNARD? I'M JIM.

ALL RIGHT. COME ON. COME ON.

- I GOT TO HAND IT TO YOU, DOC.

YOU GOT A MIGHTY SHARP
OPERATION GOING HERE.

- YEAH, THEM COLLEGE
KIDS AIN'T BAD AT ALL.

- OH, GENTLEMEN, THOSE BOYS
BELONG AT THE HEAD OF THE CLASS,

ANY CLASS.
- IF YOU SAY SO, DOC.

- RIGHT, J.H.
- YOU BET, J.H. AND J.H.?

- YEAH?
- I'D LIKE TO GET ON THE LINE.

I GOT A PROBLEM TOO.

- WHO AIN'T?

- YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
I'M GETTING PRETTY MISTY.

MR. KREBS. OH, MR. KREBS.

- YES, YOUR TEACHERSHIP?

- I WANT TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH I
APPRECIATE WHAT YOU DID FOR ME

AT THE SETTLEMENT HOUSE.

- YEAH, I WAS PRETTY
GOOD, WASN'T I?

- GOOD? YOU WERE WONDERFUL.

- YOU'RE RIGHT. I WAS WONDERFUL.

- I'VE SPENT HALF A LIFETIME
STUDYING DELINQUENCY,

BUT IT'S YOU WHO HAS
THE REAL UNDERSTANDING.

- WELL, IT TAKES
ONE TO KNOW ONE.

- NO, MR. KREBS.

I CAN TELL YOU THE
REASON YOU DO SO WELL.

I CAN TELL YOU IN ONE WORD.

HEART. YOU'RE QUITE A FELLOW.

- WELL, YOU AIN'T SO
BAD YOURSELF, DR. B.

YOU AIN'T TOO GOOD-LOOKING,
BUT YOU GOT A NICE PERSONALITY.

- THANK YOU.

- I DON'T MEAN
YOU'RE BAD-LOOKING.

I MEAN, IF YOU KIND OF
PUT A VEIL OVER YOUR FACE,

YOU MIGHT BE OKAY.
- YOU'RE VERY KIND.

IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE
WORKING WITH YOU.

- AH, FORGET IT, DOC.

AND IF YOU'RE EVER
IN TROUBLE AGAIN,

NEVER FEAR, MAYNARD'S HERE.

- I WAS SO HOPING YOU'D
SAY THAT, MR. KREBS,

BECAUSE AS A MATTER OF
FACT, I DO NEED YOUR HELP AGAIN.

- OH, JUST NAME IT, MY
TEACHER, AND MAYNARD G. KREBS

WILL COME TO YOUR RESCUE.

- WELL, THAT'S VERY GOOD OF YOU.
- I'M LIKE A REAL HUMAN BEING.

WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, DOC?

- I HAVE JUST RECEIVED A GRANT

FOR THE MOST
EXCITING NEW PROJECT.

THIS TIME WE'LL BE WORKING WITH
GENUINE HARD-CASE DELINQUENTS.

THIS IS A PROJECT, MR. KREBS,

THAT REQUIRES
INITIATIVE, PERSEVERANCE

AND YES, EVEN COURAGE.

- YOU CAME TO THE RIGHT
MAN, DOC. WHERE WE GOING?

- STATE PRISON.

- STATE PRISON?

- MR. KREBS, I'VE ALWAYS SAID

THAT THERE IS NO SUCH
THING AS A BAD BOY.

WELL, IF THERE'S NO
SUCH THING AS A BAD BOY,

HOW CAN THERE BE BAD MEN?

AND WITH YOUR HELP,
I INTEND TO PROVE IT.

WE'LL GO TO STATE PRISON.
WE'LL LIVE AMONG THE POOR,

MISGUIDED INMATES,
WIN THEIR CONFIDENCE,

FIND OUT THE DEEP-ROOTED
CAUSES THAT HAVE REDUCED THEM

TO THIS PRESENT,
PITIFUL CONDITION.

OH, IT WILL BE HARD, I
KNOW, AND EVEN DANGEROUS.

MR. KREBS?

MR. KREBS?