The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 3, Episode 2 - Dobie, Dobie, Who's Got Dobie? - full transcript

Dobie's romances with other women are torpedoed by Zelda's clever schemes.

- PHYLLIS.
- YES, DOBIE.

- ARE YOU SURE YOU
WANT TO MARRY ME?

- DOBIE, I'M MATURE,
EMOTIONALLY STABLE

AND REALISTIC.
- HUM, YEAH.

- I KNEW THE MINUTE
WE MET THIS MORNING.

- UH, AFTER ALL
WE'RE BOTH IN SCHOOL

SO WE'LL HAVE TO PLAN
OUR MARRIAGE CAREFULLY.

- OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.

- OKAY. NOW, THE WAY I SEE
IT IS THIS, WE NEED AN INCOME.

- YOU'RE RIGHT.
- WE CAN'T LIVE ON MY ALLOWANCE.

I CAN'T LIVE ON MY ALLOWANCE.
- YOU'RE RIGHT.



- WE'LL BOTH HAVE
TO MAKE SACRIFICES.

- OH, YES, DOBIE.
I'LL SACRIFICE.

AS LONG AS WE CAN BE TOGETHER.
- UH-HUH. GOOD, GOOD.

NOW, IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING
THAT YOU'LL HAVE TO QUIT SCHOOL

AND GET A JOB.

- OH, YES.
- MM-HMM.

- YES, DOBIE. I'LL WORK
AND SLAVE FOR YOU.

AS LONG AS WE HAVE
OUR EVENINGS FREE

FOR PARTIES AND DANCES...

- UH, MY DEAR...
- AND MOVIES.

- MY DEAR, A MAN DOESN'T
BECOME A GOOD PROVIDER

BY RUNNING AROUND
AND HAVING A GOOD TIME.

I'LL HAVE TO SPEND
MY EVENING STUDYING.

- OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.



- OH, WELL, I'LL BE HAPPY
JUST TO SIT AT HOME

AND WATCH YOU STUDY.

- UH, NO. NO, MY SWEET.

I HAVE TO STUDY AT
ZELDA GILROY'S HOUSE.

I MEAN WHO ELSE CAN
HELP ME WITH MY STUDIES

SO THAT I CAN GRADUATE WITH
HONORS AND BE A GOOD HUSBAND...

- OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.

WELL, GO TO ZELDA'S HOUSE.
- HUM.

- I DON'T CARE IF
I NEVER SEE YOU

AS LONG AS WE CAN BE TOGETHER.

- AH, PHYLLIS, DEAR. YOU'RE
THE CREAM IN MY COFFEE.

- OH, DOBIE.
- THE PEARL IN MY OYSTER

- OH, YOU'RE SO SWEET.
- THE STAR IN MY HEAVENS.

- CEASE AND DESIST.

- FLY IN MY OINTMENT.

HI, POOPSIE.
- HELLO, PHYLLIS.

- ZELDA, I KNOW WHY
YOU'RE HERE AND FLAKE OFF.

- I ONLY CAME TO WISH YOU
MANY, MANY YEARS OF HAPPINESS,

PHYLLIS.
- OH.

- AND I JUST HAPPEN
TO HAVE WITH ME

A COPY OF DOBIE'S LATEST
GRADES, WHICH, AS YOU WILL NOTICE,

WERE THE TOP GRADES...
- OH!

- IN THE BOTTOM
TENTH OF THE CLASS.

- ZELDA, CUT IT OUT, WILL YOU?

- YOU'RE A VERY
LUCKY GIRL, PHYLLIS.

HERE'S THE RESULT OF HIS
LATEST INTELLIGENCE TEST,

ALSO A SAMPLE OF HIS HANDWRITING
AND A PICTURE OF HIS FATHER,

YOUR FUTURE FATHER-IN-LAW.

- DOBIE, THIS IS YOUR FATHER?

- WELL, YES.
- ICK!

- THAT'S AN OLD PICTURE.

- TAKEN WHEN HE WAS YOUNG?
- YEAH.

- ICK!

- AND, PHYLLIS, PHYLLIS GILLIS.
- PHYLLIS GILLIS?

- THAT WILL BE YOUR
NAME, PHYLLIS GILLIS.

- WELL, WHAT'S WRONG
WITH PHYLLIS GILLIS?

- YOU WILL BE MARRIED
TO THE ONLY MAN,

MAY YOUR UNION BE BLESSED
WITH MANY LITTLE EVENTS,

THE ONLY MAN
WHOSE ENTIRE INSIDES

ARE UPSIDE-DOWN.

REGARDE HIS X-RAY.

- WELL, EVERYTHING
LOOKS RIGHT TO ME.

- AAH! OH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, SISTER.

- HEY, HEY, PHYLLIS!
PHYLLIS, MY LOVE!

- OH, AS FOR YOU... OOH!

- ZELDA, THAT WAS UNPRINCIPLED,
TREACHEROUS, FOUL, MEAN,

CONTEMPTIBLE AND LOW.

- SURE WAS, POOPSIE,
BUT I FORGIVE YOU.

- ZELDA!

[JAZZ THEME]

- ZELDA THINKS SHE CAN
WRECK ALL MY ROMANCES

WITH OTHER GIRLS.

THAT'S WHAT SHE THINKS.
AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

SHE'S RIGHT EXCEPT FOR ONE
GIRL, MARYANN KREULITSCH.

ZELDA WILL NEVER SPLIT
UP MARYANN AND ME.

YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE MARYANN AND ME
WILL NEVER GET CLOSE ENOUGH

TO SPLIT UP.

- I KNOW I'M ENCHANTING
AND GORGEOUS AND...

AND DESIRABLE BUT
WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT IT?

IT'S JUST THE WAY I
AM, POOR LITTLE ME.

- SEE WHAT I MEAN?

THERE'S THIS VISION
OF LOVELINESS,

MARYANN KREULITSCH.

AND HERE I AM,
WORSHIPER OF BEAUTY,

BUT IT LOOKS LIKE WE
TWO SHALL NEVER MEET.

IT'S AWFUL.

I MEAN IT'S CRUEL
TWISTS OF FATE LIKE THIS

THAT CAN TURN A
STRONG MAN INTO A...

A QUIVERING, HELPLESS,
BABBLING, MINDLESS HULK.

- YOU RANG?

- DOBE? DOBE? DOBE?

HEY, DOBE, HEY, DOBE,
IT'S ME, DOBE. DOBE?

- SHE DOESN'T KNOW I'M ALIVE.
- ARE YOU?

- AH, UNREQUITED
LOVE, THE SHEER PAIN.

- MAYBE YOUR BELT'S TOO TIGHT.

- MAYNARD, YOU ALWAYS MANAGE
TO SAY JUST THE RIGHT THING.

- WHAT'S A FRIEND FOR?

- I ONLY WISH I WERE
AN APPLE ON A TREE

AND MARYANN WOULD COME
ALONG AND TAKE A BITE OUT OF ME.

- SHE WOULDN'T BITE YOU.
- I KNOW.

- I'LL BITE YOU, GOOD BUDDY.

- MAYNARD!
- WHAT'S A FRIEND FOR?

- I WISH TO MAKE
AN ANNOUNCEMENT.

YOU'RE ALL TERRIBLY SWEET.

EVERY TERRIBLY
SWEET MAN JACK OF YOU

BUT THERE'S REALLY NO POINT

BECAUSE, UH, I'M
PRACTICALLY ENGAGED.

- WHAT?
- ENGAGED?

- SO FAREWELL, MY DEAR ONES,
AND MAY YOU ALL FIND HAPPINESS

ELSEWHERE, MY DEAR ONES.

DOBIE.

- ME?
- YES.

- ME?
- YES, DOBIE, YOU.

- UH, ME, DOBIE, ME?

- WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO
TAKE ME DANCING TONIGHT?

- UH, BUT, MARYANN, YOU, UH,
YOU JUST SAID YOU WERE ENGAGED.

- I SAID PRACTICALLY ENGAGED.

- TO WHO?
- YOU.

- ME, DOBIE, ME?

- I WATCH YOU IN SOCIAL
SCIENCE. I CAN HARDLY STUDY.

I JUST WATCH YOU.

- HIM, DOBIE, HIM?

- AND I WONDER ABOUT
YOU, THINK ABOUT YOU.

- ME?
- HIM?

- MAYNARD, YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE.

- DON'T YOU LIKE ME A LITTLE?

- LIKE YOU? MARYANN, I LOVE YOU.

- HE WANTS TO BE
AN APPLE ON A TREE.

- AND I LOVE YOU, DOBIE.

- HE WANTS YOU SHOULD BITE HIM.

- MAYNARD, WHY DON'T YOU GO
HOME AND FEED YOUR IGUANA?

- HE DON'T NEED
ME NO MORE, DOBE.

HE CAN OPEN THE ICEBOX
DOOR HIMSELF NOW.

- DOBIE, POOP-TION.

- NO, ZELDA, PLEASE, NOT AGAIN.

- DOBIE AND AMORETTO,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING

HANGING ONTO MARYANN'S
ARM IN A MANNER UNBECOMING

SOMEONE SWORN TO
ANOTHER, NAMELY ME?

- I AM NOT SWORN TO YOU, ZELDA.

- QUIBBLE, QUIBBLE.
WE ARE A FACT, A VERITY.

DOBIE, YOU AND I, WE ARE
SIMPLY A THING THAT EXISTS.

- KILL IT BEFORE IT SPREADS.

- MARYANN KREULITSCH,
YOU AND DOBIE?

- WHAT CAN I DO, ZELDA?
I'M HOPELESSLY ENMESHED.

- OH, IS THAT A FACT?
- MM-HMM.

- WELL, GET A LOAD OF THIS.
- OH, NO, ZELDA.

- IT'S NO USE, ZELDA.

I KNOW ALL ABOUT
THOSE GRADES, HIS IQ...

- IGNORE HER,
MARYANN. MARYANN...

- AND HIS FATHER.

- UH, YOU KNOW ALL THAT
AND YOU STILL WANT ME?

WELL!

WELL, WELL, WELL,

UH, ZELDA, YOU MIGHT
JUST AS WELL FLAKE OFF.

- WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS X-RAY?

- I KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT, TOO.

- SHE KNOWS ABOUT
THAT, ZELDA. MM-HMM.

- LET ME ASK YOU
JUST ONE MORE THING.

- WHAT?
- WHY?

- WHY WHAT?
- WHY HIM?

- YEAH, WHY HIM?

- IT'S VERY SIMPLE.

YOU, ZELDA, ARE BEYOND
DOUBT THE MOST BRILLIANT GIRL

IN THE ENTIRE SCHOOL.

NOT ONLY THAT BUT YOU
ALSO HAVE THE MOST BRAINS.

- ACCURATE BUT WHAT'S
THAT GOT TO DO WITH DOBIE?

- YOU HAVE SEEN SOMETHING
BENEATH DOBIE'S DULL EXTERIOR.

A PERSON OF MY
MEAGER INTELLIGENCE

MIGHT NEVER DISCOVER IT

BUT IF YOU WANT DOBIE,
THEN THERE MUST BE

SOMETHING MAGNIFICENT
IN HIM UNDERNEATH,

IN THERE SOMEWHERE.

- YOU MEAN YOU WANT DOBIE
JUST BECAUSE I WANT DOBIE?

- WELL, YES, OF COURSE.

I KNOW YOU MUST WANT THE BEST

BECAUSE THE BEST IS
NONE TOO GOOD FOR YOU.

YOU WANT DOBIE THEREFORE
HE MUST BE THE BEST.

IS THAT CLEAR?

- NOW, LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

IF I HAPPEN TO BE APE
FOR SOMEBODY ELSE

YOU WOULD SWITCH OVER TO
THAT SOMEBODY ELSE, RIGHT?

- RIGHT.

- MAYNARD, I LOVE YOU.
- WHAT?

NOW, POOPSIE, DON'T FLY INTO
ONE OF YOUR JEALOUS RAGES.

- I CAN'T FLY, NOT
VERY HIGH ANYWAY.

- OH, MAYNARD, IT ISN'T
REALLY DOBIE I LOVE,

IT'S YOU. YOU, YOU,
YOU! DO YOU HEAR?

- OH, OH, OH, OH, COME ON.

OH, LIKE, HELP,
LET GO, SMALL GIRL.

- MARYANN, THIS IS A TRICK.

YOU KNOW HOW CUNNING
AND CRAFTY SHE IS?

- OH, I KNOW.

- OH, MARYANN, IF
YOU ONLY SUSPECTED

THE STRENGTH IN THIS MAN,
THE POWER, THE PULL IS...

- GET YOUR MEAT HOOKS
OFF ME, PLEASE, OH...

- MAYNARD, KISS ME.

- OOH, OOH, WHAT YOU
SAID... OH, PLEASE, OH, LET...

I DON'T LIKE GIRLS.
I DON'T LIKE YOU.

LET ME GO, PLEASE.

- MAYNARD, KISS ME OR SO
HELP ME, I'LL BREAK YOUR NECK.

- BREAK THE NECK!
BREAK THE NECK.

- ZELDA, IT'S NO USE.

- THAT'S RIGHT,
ZELDA, NO USE AT ALL.

- YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, HUH?

- NO.
- NO.

- BUT I ADMIRE YOU.

HOW CLEVERLY YOU
FIGHT TO KEEP DOBIE.

OH, DOBIE, YOU
MUST HAVE SO MUCH...

- MM-HMM.
- UNDERNEATH...

- YES.
- IN THERE SOMEWHERE.

- YEAH, HIDDEN VERY DEEP.
- I SUPPOSE.

- MM-HMM.

- AND, UH, Y... YOU DON'T
WANT MAYNARD. NO.

- COME, DOBIE, LOVE,
TO THE MALT SHOPPE.

- YES, MY SWEET.

- WELL, HE WE ARE.
- YEP, HERE WE ARE.

- TOGETHER.
- TOGETHER.

- FOR ALWAYS AND ALWAYS.

- FOR ALWAYS AND
AL... WELL, MAYBE.

- WHAT'S THE MATTER?

DON'T YOU WANT TO
BE WITH ME ALWAYS?

- MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF.
- BUT?

- UH, ZELDA, SHE'S NOT
GONNA GIVE UP, MARYANN.

SHE'S GONNA KEEP
TRYING TO SPLIT US UP.

- BUT WHAT CAN SHE DO?

- WHATEVER'S REQUIRED.
- OH.

- WE'VE GOTTA BE ALERT, MARYANN.

WE'VE GOTTA WATCH
THAT ZELDA EVERY MINUTE.

- WHAT, HO, PHEASANTS!

- MAYNARD, THAT'S PEASANTS.

- YEAH, YEAH, LISTEN,
DOBE, I WANT TO INVITE YOU

OUT TO MY BEACH HOUSE
IN A COUPLE OF YEARS.

- BEACH HOUSE?

- YEAH, DOBE, THAT'S A HOUSE
THAT'S, LIKE, ON THE BEACH.

- I KNOW, I KNOW.
- YES, SIR.

INSTEAD OF LIVING IN ONE
SLOPPY ROOM LIKE I DO NOW

I'LL BE LIVING IN MY BEACH
HOUSE IN TWELVE SLOPPY ROOMS.

UH, MAYNARD, UH, WHERE ARE
YOU GETTING THIS BEACH HOUSE?

- I'M MARRYING INTO MONEY,
DOBE, MILLIONS AND MILLIONS.

- MM-HMM, MARRYING.

MAYNARD, I THOUGHT
YOU HATED WOMEN.

- I DO, DOBE, BUT THIS
AIN'T EXACTLY A WOMEN.

IT'S MORE LIKE A
BANK WITH A PONYTAIL.

- MM-HMM. WHO IS SHE?
- ZELDA GILROY.

- ZELDA? SHE'S GOT
MILLIONS OF WHAT?

- MONEY, MONEY! GO
BUDDY, LOOK, I'LL PROVE IT.

HERE, LOOK. THIS
IS JUST ONE OF THEM

AND THERE'S MILLIONS
MORE WHERE THIS CAME FROM.

- THANK YOU. YOU SEE, MARYANN,

SHE'S STILL TRYING
TO CONVINCE YOU

THAT SHE AND
MAYNARD ARE A HOT ITEM

SO YOU'LL DROP ME AND GRAB HIM.

- OH, WAS SHE RICH, THAT ZELDA.

SHE OWNS 50% OF HER
UNCLE'S URANIUM PLANTATION.

- YEAH, SHE'S SO TRICKY
SHE'LL STOP AT SOMETHING.

- WELL, MAYBE SHE REALLY
DOES LOVE MAYNARD.

- OH, SHE DOES. SHE DOES.

SHE'S GIVING ME HER
SHARE OF THE URANIUM.

- MAYNARD, SHE HASN'T
GOT ANY URANIUM.

- I SAW IT WITH MY OWN EYES.
SHE'S GOT A SAMPLE IN A TUBE.

- MAYNARD, YOU CAN'T
KEEP URANIUM IN A TUBE.

- IN A TIN TUBE MADE OUT OF TIN?

- LOOK, HOW DO YOU
KNOW IT WAS URANIUM?

- I SAW IT. IN FACT,
I EVEN SMELLED IT.

- UH-HUH.

AND, UH, WHAT DID THIS
URANIUM SMELL LIKE?

- WELL, YOU WON'T
BELIEVE IT, DOBE,

BUT IT SMELLED EXACTLY
LIKE TOOTHPASTE.

- I REST MY CASE.

- COME, MARYANN, MY DEAR.
- OKAY. OKAY.

SO I LOST THE BATTLE BUT I'M
GONNA WIN THE WAR, BY GEORGE.

I'LL GET YOU BACK, DOBIE
GILLIS, DON'T YOU WORRY.

- DAD, WEREN'T YOU
INVOLVED WITH ANOTHER GIRL

WHEN YOU MET MOM?

- SON, THAT'S A QUESTION THAT
DESERVES AN HONEST ANSWER.

NONE OF YOUR
COTTON-PICKIN' BUSINESS.

- I HEARD SHE JILTED YOU.

- WHO JILTED ME?
- THE OTHER GIRL.

- NO. I MET YOUR MOM

AND THEN I JILTED
THE OTHER GIRL.

- OH, DID SHE STAY JILTED?

- WELL, SON. IT'S
A VERY SAD TALE.

POOR GIRL WENT ALL TO
PIECES, NEVER DID GET OVER IT,

MARRIED SOME LITTLE
GUY ON THE REBOUND.

OH, SHE WAS A SAD CREATURE.

AND DO YOU KNOW, TO
THIS DAY, WHEN I SEE HER,

SHE KIND OF DROPS HER
EYES AND HIDES HER FACE

IN THE COLLAR OF
HER BIG MINK COAT

AND TELLS HER
CHAUFFEUR TO DRIVE ON.

- HI, MRS. G., MR. G.

DOBIE, DEAR, I JUST CAME
OVER HERE TO GIVE YOU A SENSE

OF THE HISTORIC CROSSROADS
AT WHICH YOU NOW STAND.

- HMM.
- NOW, I'VE GOT...

- SOME DIABOLICAL
PLAN IS WHAT YOU'VE GOT.

- QUIET. THIS IS A MOMENT
OF FATEFUL DECISION.

- YEAH.

- DOBIE, DOWN ONE
ROAD LIES ROMANCE...

- ROMANCE.

- A GIRL WITH A GORGEOUS FIGURE

AND A BEAUTIFUL
FACE WHO CAN GIVE YOU

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
BUT A LOT OF BLISS.

- BLISS, BLISS. YES. BUT
DOWN THE OTHER ROAD, YOU.

- TRUE, BUT ALSO FAME,
WEALTH AND POWER.

- MM-HMM.
- DOBIE, WITH YOUR NEGATIVE FACE

AND INOFFENSIVE PERSONALITY,
MY BRAINS, DRIVE AND AMBITION

YOU COULD GO RIGHT TO THE TOP.

- THE TOP OF WHAT?

- WHY, HERBERT,
THAT'S NO WAY TO TALK.

YOU KNOW THAT DOBIE HAS
HE SEEDS OF GREATNESS IN HIM.

- IF HE'S GOT ALL THESE
SEEDS ROLLING AROUND IN HIM,

HOW COME UP 'TIL
NOW WE HAVEN'T SEEN

ONE LITTLE BLOSSOM?

I'M JUST STATING THE FACTS,
SAD THOUGH THEY MAY BE.

GIVE ME ONE SLICE OF EVIDENCE
THAT HE'S EVER GONNA BE GREAT,

JUST ONE.
- I'LL GIVE YOU SEVERAL.

IN THE FIRST PLACE,
HE'S YOUR SON.

- YOU CAN'T MISS, BOY.
- DON'T WORRY.

I'LL SEE TO IT THAT DOBIE USES
HIS TREMENDOUS POTENTIAL.

WHY, POOPSIE, WITH
JUST VERY LITTLE EFFORT

I CAN MAKE YOU
INTO A CONGRESSMAN.

- GOOD THINKING, ZELDA. DOBIE
COULD BE A CONGRESSMAN.

- NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.

I'LL HANDLE YOUR
PUBLIC RELATIONS,

WRITE YOUR SPEECHES,
PROJECT YOUR IMAGE.

- YEAH.

- CONGRESSMAN GILLIS, A
MAN WHO TAKES NO STAND

ON ANYTHING AT ANYTIME
BUT WITH COURAGE.

- IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES,

JUST LEAVE OUT THE
PART ABOUT COURAGE

AND HE'S A
CONGRESSMAN RIGHT NOW.

- CAN YOU DOUBT IT?

DOBIE, LOOK, SAY THIS,
SAY, "NO COMMENT."

GO ON, JUST SAY, "NO COMMENT."

- SAY IT, BOY, SHE'LL
BE HERE ALL WINTER.

- YEAH, NO COMMENT.

- DID YOU HEAR HIM SAY THAT?

OH, THERE WAS SUCH...
SUCH LEADERSHIP

IN THE WAY HE SAID THAT.

DOBIE, YOU WON'T STOP
WITH THE CONGRESS.

YOU'LL GO ON AND
ON TO THE SENATE.

- THERE'S NO STOPPING THIS BOY.

- ABSOLUTELY. YOU WILL
BE A SENATOR, DOBIE.

SAY THIS, SAY, "I DENY THE
CHARGES CATEGORICALLY."

GO ON, SAY THAT.

- MM-HMM. I DENY THE
CHARGES CATEGORICALLY.

- DOBIE, THAT WAS WONDERFUL.

THERE WAS THIS STATESMANSHIP
IN THE WAY YOU SAID THAT.

PRESIDENT.
- PRESIDENT?

- ABSOLUTELY. PRESIDENT GILLIS.

- THE WHITE HOUSE? YEAH. HUH.
- IT'S IN THE CARDS.

SURE, YOU WILL BE
PRESIDENT, DOBIE.

- LOOK, ZELDA.
- WAVE TO THE MULTITUDES.

DID YOU SEE THE
ELOQUENCE IN THAT GESTURE?

- I SAW IT! I SAW IT!

IT SHOWED AUTHORITY,
LOVE OF FELLOWMAN,

COMPASSION AND A WEAK BICEP.

- WELL, WHAT DO YOU
SAY, MR. PRESIDENT?

- MR. PRESIDENT WHO?

- AH, AND HERE
COMES MY FIRST LADY.

- OH, JUST A
COTTON-PICKIN' MINUTE.

IF SHE'S YOUR FIRST
LADY, WHO AM I?

- AMBASSADOR TO THE ANTARCTIC.

- NO, SIR.

I'M NOT PUTTING YOU
IN THE WHITE HOUSE

JUST SO YOU CAN MAKE
HER THE FIRST LADY.

I'M GONNA BE THE FIRST LADY.

- ZELDA?
- YES, MY CHIEF EXECUTIVE?

- I DO NOT CHOOSE TO RUN.

- SON, ON BEHALF OF THE
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

AND THE ENTIRE FREE
WORLD, THANK YOU.

- YOU'RE WELCOME. COME, MARYANN.

- DOBIE!
- NOW WHAT?

- LOOK, DOBIE, I... I
KNOW WHEN I'M LICKED.

I'LL JUST FADE OUT
OF THE PICTURE

WISHING YOU HAPPINESS
AND THE BEST OF LUCK.

- YOU WISH US HAPPINESS?
- THAT'S RIGHT.

- YOU MEAN YOU QUIT?
- THAT'S RIGHT.

- NO MORE TRICKS?
- THAT'S RIGHT.

- YOU'RE LYING, AREN'T YOU?
- THAT'S RIGHT.

- FIGURED.

- HERE WE ARE, MY LOVE.

IT SAYS THE AVERAGE
FARM INCOME IS $3,000 A YEAR

AND THE AVERAGE CITY
INCOME IS $6,000 A YEAR.

- SO IT GOES WITHOUT
SAYING WE'LL LIVE IN THE CITY.

- HMM.
- OKAY. SO NOW WE HAVE $6,000.

- OH.

- HELLO, YOU TWO.

- OH, HI, ZELDA.
- OH, HI, ZELDA.

- I KNOW YOU TWO HAVE BEEN
TOO WRAPPED IN EACH OTHER

TO DO YOUR BOOK REPORTS
SO, UH, I DID THEM FOR YOU.

HERE.

NATURALLY YOU'LL GET A's.

- ZELDA!
- ZELDA, WHY?

- YOU TWO HAVE YOUR
WHOLE LIVES AHEAD OF YOU.

- ZELDA, SO DO YOU.

- DO I? I DON'T KNOW.

SOMETHING INSIDE
ME HAS JUST GIVEN UP.

WHEN THE OLD MORALE
GOES, WELL, YOU KNOW,

TWO TICKETS TO THE
JAZZ CONCERT TONIGHT.

HERE.

- BUT WHY, ZELDA? WHY
ARE YOU DOING THIS?

- I JUST CAN'T...
CAN'T FACE PEOPLE,

THE JOYOUS CROWD,
THEIR HAPPY LAUGHTER.

NO, I'LL JUST GO BACK
TO MY LONELY ROOM

AND SIT IN FRONT OF MY
LONELY TELEVISION SET

AND EAT A LONELY
BALONEY SANDWICH.

- ZELDA!
- ZELDA?

- NO. IT'S ALL RIGHT. YOU TWO
GO AND ENJOY YOURSELVES.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

BYE, YOU TWO.

- DOBIE, I DON'T FEEL LIKE GOING
TO THE JAZZ CONCERT TONIGHT.

- ME NEITHER.

- I FEEL KIND OF SICK.
- YEAH.

- I'LL SEE YOU
LATER, DOBIE. BYE.

- ALL RIGHT. YEAH, BYE, MARYANN.

MARYANN!

MARYANN, COME BACK!
COME BACK, MARYANN!

MY ANGEL, DON'T YOU
SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING?

THAT... THAT TWO-FACED,
DOUBLE-TONGUED VIPER ZELDA'S

DOING IT AGAIN.

- YOU'RE RIGHT.
- SHE'S PLAYING ON OUR FEELINGS.

IT'S JUST ANOTHER ONE
OF HER SHABBY TRICKS.

- YOU'RE RIGHT.

- YOU KNOW IT BUT
YOU'RE STILL BUYING IT?

- YOU'RE RIGHT.

- HEY.

OOH, THAT ZELDA GILROY.

OH, THAT ZELDA GILROY.

I'VE GOTTA STOP HER FROM
BREAKING UP THE ROMANCE

BETWEEN ME AND MY
ONLY TRUE LOVE, BUT HOW?

WHAT I NEED IS ADVICE,
FAST AND IN QUANTITY.

I NEED A COUNSELOR, AN ADVISOR,

SOMEBODY WITH WISDOM,
EXPERIENCE, UNDERSTANDING,

SOMEONE WHO KNOWS LIFE.

SOCRATES, A PLATO, A JACK PAAR.

- UH, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, SON?

- IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN,
DAD. IT'S SO COMPLICATED.

- WELL, LET'S, BREAK IT DOWN
TO A SIMPLE MISHMASH, HUH?

- IT'S ZELDA.

I JILTED HER, BUT SHE
WON'T STAY JILTED.

- MM-HMM. WELL, YOU'VE COME

TO THE RIGHT PLACE
FOR ADVICE, BOY.

DID I EVER TELL YOU
ABOUT THE GIRL I JILTED?

- NO OFFENSE, DEAR, BUT IT
WAS THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

SHE JILTED YOU AND
THEN YOU MET ME.

- NOW, JUST A MINUTE, WINNIE,
IT'S COMPLETELY UNIMPORTANT.

IT DOESN'T MEAN A THING,

BUT LET'S GET THE
RECORD STRAIGHT.

I MET YOU AND THEN I
JILTED HER, REMEMBER?

- I REMEMBER THE NIGHT WE MET.

IT WAS ON A LITTLE
BRIDGE IN THE MOONLIGHT

AND YOU WERE ABOUT TO JUMP OFF.

- ABOUT TO JUM... I
WAS STANDING THERE

LOOKING AT THE WATER.

- WITH YOUR SHOES OFF?
- THERE'S A LAW?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY STANDING
ON A BRIDGE WITH MY SHOES OFF?

- IN THE SNOW?
- MY FEET HURT.

- YOU WERE COOLING THEM OFF?
- YES.

- I'M SORRY, DEAR. IT ALL
COMES BACK TO ME NOW.

YOU JILTED HER.
- RIGHT.

AND THEN I MARRIED THE SWEETEST,
MOST WONDERFUL LITTLE WOMAN

IN ALL THE WORLD, AND
THE ONIONS ARE BURNING.

- I'M NOT COOKING ONIONS, DEAR.

- WINNIE, MAYBE SOMEBODY
SNUCK INTO YOUR KITCHEN

TO COOK ONIONS.

- OH, I GET IT, MAN-TALK.

- NOW, WHERE WERE
WE? UH, OH, YES.

HOW DID I KEEP THIS
JILTED GIRL JILTED?

- YEAH, ZELDA HANGS
ON LIKE A SUMMER COLD.

THAT'S WHY I'VE GOT TO
KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID

TO GET RID OF THE
GIRL YOU JILTED.

- AND I AM GOING TO TELL
YOU EXACTLY WHAT I SAID.

YOU SEE, I TOOK THE THOUGHTFUL,

PHILOSOPHIC APPROACH.
- YEAH, MM-HMM.

- AND I SAID, UM...
- MM-HMM.

- I SAID...
- YEAH?

- HONEY, THAT'S THE WAY
THE COOKIE CRUMBLES.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

- HELLO, GILLIS'
GROCERY. OH, ZELDA.

UH, HONEY, THAT'S THE
WAY THE COOKIE CRUMBLES.

WHAT?

ANY COOKIE.

N... NO, ZELDA.

ZELDA, LOOK, IT'S
JUST A FIGURE OF S...

N... NO, NO, I DON'T
WANNA RULE ASIA.

GOODBYE.

SEE WHAT HAPPENS?

I JILT HER AND SHE UN-JILTS.

- UH, I DON'T WANNA PRY, SON,

BUT, UH, JUST WHY DO
YOU WANT TO JILT ZELDA?

- BECAUSE I FINALLY
FOUND THE GIRL

WITH WHOM I WANNA SHARE MY LIFE.

- SHARE YOUR LIFE?
- MM-HMM.

- AND THE LAST ONE SHARED
ABOUT 45 MINUTES OF IT.

- DAD, PLEASE, I HAVE A PROBLEM.

- YOU SURE HAVE, SON, AND
I'M GONNA HELP YOU SOLVE IT.

- OH, GREAT.

- NOW, HEAR ME GOOD,
SON. THE WAY I SEE IT IS THIS...

- MM-HMM.

- YOU GOTTA TAKE THE
BULL BY THE HORNS.

- MM-HMM. DIRECT ACTION, HUH?

- BUT LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP.

- OH, BIDE MY TIME. I SEE.

- ON THE OTHER HAND,
HE WHO HESITATES IS LOST.

- DIRECT ACTION, HUH?

- BUT YOU GO CHARGING
IN THERE BLINDLY

AND YOU'LL FOUL UP EVERYTHING.

- AH! TAKE IT
EASY, BIDE MY TIME.

- IN THE WORLD TODAY, SON,
THE RACE IS TO THE SWIFT.

- DIRECT ACTION. THAT'S IT.

- BUT REMEMBER THE
TORTOISE AND THE HARE.

- TAKE IT EASY. BIDE MY TIME.

- ON THE OTHER HAND, DON'T
LET THE WORLD PASS YOU BY.

- DIRECT ACTION.

- EVERYTHING COMES
TO HIM WHO WAITS.

- DAD?
- YES, SON?

- HOW CAN I THANK YOU ENOUGH
FOR ALL THIS WONDERFUL ADVICE?

- OH, FORGET IT, BOY.

AFTER ALL, I CAN'T LEAVE
YOU WEALTH OR VAST DOMAINS.

ALL I CAN BEQUEATH TO YOU
IS A HERITAGE OF CULTURE,

RICHNESS OF THE MIND

AND THESE THINGS ARE
MORE VALUABLE THAN GOLD.

- YOU'RE ALL HEART, SIR.

- I JUST HOPE OUR LITTLE TALK
HAS LEFT YOU WITH SOMETHING.

- OH, IT HAS, DAD.
- MM-HMM.

- I LEARNED THAT WHEN
YOU HAVE A PROBLEM,

FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF.

- GOOD THINKING,
SON. GOOD THINK...

- MAYNARD, I'VE GOT
NO TIME FOR SMALL TALK.

- WHOA, WHAT...

- WELL, MAYNARD, HAVE DOBIE
AND MARYANN BEEN IN YET?

- NOPE.
- ARE YOU SURE?

- LIKE POSITIVE.

THEY WON'T BE OUT HERE
'TIL I PAY FOR MY SODA.

- WHAT'S THAT GOT
TO DO WITH DOBIE?

- WHO ELSE WOULD
LEND ME A QUARTER?

- YOU'VE GOT A POINT.
NOW, LOOK, MAYNARD,

WHEN DOBIE COMES
IN WITH MARYANN,

I WANT YOU TO MAKE SURE
THEY SIT AT THIS TABLE.

- OH, NO. DO IS MY GOOD BUDDY,

AND I AIN'T HAVING NOTHING TO
DO WITH NONE OF YOUR LOW-DOWN,

SNEAKY SCHEMES.
- MAYNARD...

- NOW, LOOK, LOOK, GIVE
ME ONE GOOD REASON

WHY I SHOULD HELP YOU, A GIRL?

- ALL RIGHT, MAYNARD.
- MM-HMM.

- HERE'S A QUARTER.

- OH, UH, GIVE ME
ANOTHER GOOD REASON

WHY I SHOULD HELP YOU, A GIRL?

- I WILL GIVE YOU
THE BEST REASON

IN THE WHOLE WORLD, MAYNARD.

YOU WILL HELP ME
BECAUSE I AM BRIGHTER

AND SHARPER AND SHREWDER
THAN YOU'LL EVER BE

AND SO NATURALLY YOU WILL
DO EXACTLY AS I ORDER YOU.

- YEAH, I GOTTA GO
ALONG WITH THAT.

- THAT'S BETTER.
AND IN THE FUTURE,

WATCH THE BACKTALK.

- YES, YOUR HONOR.

HEY, ZEL, YOU KNOW, YOU
DON'T LOOK LIKE TOO GOOD.

- MAYNARD, GO.

- I MEAN YOU LOOK LIKE
YOU'RE CRESTFALLEN.

AND, MAN, WHEN YOUR CREST
FALLS YOU'RE, LIKE, IN BIG TROUBLE.

- MAYNARD, PEEL OFF.

- HEY, I KNOW HOW
TO CHEER YOU UP.

I'LL TELL YOU A FUNNY STORY.
- MAYNARD, I DON'T...

- HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY,
DID YOU HEAR THE ONE

ABOUT THE TWO CATS
AND THE ROCKING CHAIR?

OOH, IT'S THE FUNNIEST
STORY I EVER HEARD.

OOH, HOW DOES IT GO AGAIN?

- THANKS, MAYNARD,
I'M ALL CHEERED UP NOW.

- YEAH, AND... AND ONCE
ON A LAURA YOUNG SHOW

THERE WAS THIS STORY
ABOUT THIS TRAGIC ROMANCE

OF THE HEART THIS
WOMAN HAD, SEE,

AND SHE THREW
HERSELF INTO NOBLE WORK

AND BECAME A MISSIONARY

AND FOUND TRUE HAPPINESS
IN A LEPER COLONY.

- MAYNARD, IF I GET
ANY MORE CHEERFUL,

I'LL HIT YOU OVER THE
HEAD WITH THIS TABLE.

- I KNOW WHEN I'M NOT WANTED.

- GOOD.

- HEY, ZEL, UM, YOU
WOULDN'T RECONSIDER

ABOUT THAT URANIUM, WOULD YOU?

- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, MAYNARD.

MEET ME IN FRONT OF THE
SCIENCE BUILDING IN 25 YEARS.

- WHAT TIME?

OOH, HEY, HEY, THEY'RE COMING!
THEY'RE COMING! THEY'RE COMING.

- OKAY, MAYNARD. NOW, JUST
MAKE SURE THEY SIT AT THAT TABLE.

- ALL RIGHT. LEAVE IT
TO ME. DON'T YOU WORRY.

IT'S IN THE BAG, YEAH.

- LIKE, HI, GIRL.
LIKE, HI, DOBE, LOOK,

I SAVED THIS SPECIAL
TABLE FOR YOU RIGHT HERE.

- I DON'T LIKE THAT TABLE.
- NEITHER DO I.

WE'LL SIT OVER HERE.

- OH, THIS TABLE'S MUCH
BETTER AND IT'S RIGHT NEXT

TO THE WINDOW IN CASE
A PARADE, YOU KNOW.

- MAYNARD, NEVER MIND.
WE'LL TAKE THIS ONE.

- WELL, WHAT WOULD YOU
LIKE, MARYANN, MY LOVE?

- I'LL HAVE A BANANA SPLIT
WITH, UH, TWO SCOOPS.

- HAVE THREE SCOOPS.
EAT, DRINK AND BE M...

- DOBIE, IT'S NO USE. I
CAN'T TAKE IT ANY LONGER.

I'M HAUNTED BY ZELDA'S
SAD FACE. I CAN'T SLEEP.

THERE'S NO ESCAPE.
I'M GOING CRAZY.

- LISTEN TO ME, MARYANN.

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO
GET ZELDA OFF YOUR MIND.

- HOW?
- FORGET HER.

- IT'S NO USE, DOBIE.

I CAN'T BE HAPPY WHEN I KNOW
WE'VE MADE ZELDA MISERABLE.

- TRY.
- NO, I CAN'T!

DOBIE, YOU'VE GOT
TO DO SOMETHING.

- WHAT CAN I DO?

- I WANT TO SEE ZELDA
SMILING, HAPPY AND GAY,

THE WAY SHE USED TO BE.

- THERE'S ONLY ONE THING
THAT'LL MAKE HER SMILING,

HAPPY AND GAY. ME.

- I HATE TO SAY IT, DOBIE,

BUT CHEER HER UP OR
YOU AND I ARE THROUGH.

- THROUGH?
- THROUGH.

- OKAY, OKAY.

I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING
TOMORROW MORNING.

- NOW, DOBIE. I CAN'T
STAND IT ANOTHER MINUTE.

- NOW?
- NOW!

- NOW?
- GO.

- HI, DOBIE. HOW ARE
THINGS AMONG THE LIVING?

- SHUT THAT UP.

ZELDA, ZELDA, YOU
SAY YOU LOVE ME.

- I DO, POOPSIE, I DO WITH
ALL MY GREAT HEAVING HEART.

- I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

- YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.
YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU.

- PROVE IT.
- HOW?

- BY HELPING ME
HANG ONTO MARYANN.

- YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING.

- SEE? SEE, I KNEW
YOU DIDN'T LOVE ME.

- BUT DOBIE!
- BUT NOTHING!

LOVE IS WHEN YOU CARE FOR
THE OTHER PERSON'S HAPPINESS

MORE THAN YOUR OWN.

AND IF YOU CARED FOR MY
HAPPINESS, REALLY CARED...

- I DO! I DO, I DO!
- REALLY LOVED ME,

YOU'D HELP ME TO
HANG ONTO MARYANN.

- OKAY, DOBIE, WHAT
DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

- WELL, FOR OPENERS,
LET'S SEE YOU SMILE.

- SMILE?
- SMILE, YEAH.

- UH, A BIG SMILE.
BIGGER, BIGGER,

A REALLY, REALLY
BIG, HAPPY SMILE.

- I'M TEARING MY FACE.

- NOW LAUGH.
- HA, HA, HA, HA.

- NO, NO, LOUDER, LOUDER.

THAT'S IT. AIN'T IT FUN?
SHOCK IT UP THOUGH, YEAH.

ZELDA, YOU'RE A GRAND
SPORT. NOW, THANK YOU.

FROM THE BOTTOM OF
MY HEART I THANK YOU.

NOT YOU, MAYNARD.

ALL RIGHT, ALREADY.

NO! NO, DON'T DO IT!
ZELDA, PLEASE ZELDA!

- OH, DOBIE, IT'S TOO MUCH.
I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE.

YOU'LL HAVE TO FORGET ABOUT
ME. I JUST CAN'T DO THIS TO ZELDA.

SHE'LL ALWAYS BE BETWEEN US.

- THAT'S RIGHT.

- SO GOODBYE FOREVER.

- UH, MARYANN, UH...

- HEY, DID YOU TWO HEAR
ABOUT THE TWO CATS

IN THE ROCKING...
- OH, MAYNARD, PLEASE.

- LET HER GO,
DOBIE. SHE'S FICKLE.

I'M THE ONE FOR YOU.
YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY.

- SHE'S RIGHT. DOBE,
YOU'RE STUCK WITH HER.

- YOU AND ME, ZELDA, FOREVER?

- FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES,
POOPSIE, AND THEN SOME.

- I GUESS THERE'S
NO SENSE FIGHTING.

- IT'S FATE, DOBIE AND ZELDA,
ZELDA AND DOBIE, IMMUTABLE FATE.

- YOU AND ME, NO ESCAPE.

- NONE! IT IS WRITTEN.

- GOODBYE, ZELDA.
- DOBE, DOBE, SPEAK TO ME.

SAY SOMETHING EVEN
IF IT'S MEAN AND ROTTEN.

- YOU'D BETTER LEAVE
HIM ALONE, MAYNARD.

HE'S GONNA BE PRETTY
SICK FOR AWHILE.

HE JUST TOOK A GREAT, BIG
GULP OF VANILLA EXTRACT.

- ZELDA!

ZELDA, I'M POISONED
WITH VANILLA EXTRACT

AND YOU'RE WRINKLING.

- MAYNARD, I'VE GOTTA
THINK OF A WAY TO GET ZELDA

OFF MY BACK.

- DON'T LOOK AT ME.
GETTING RID OF OLD ZELDA'S

GONNA TAKE SOME
MEAN AND ROTTEN TRICKS

AND I AIN'T THAT KIND OF CAT.
- I KNOW.

- I'M SWEET AND
TENDER AND GENTLE.

- TRUE.

- AND PEACEABLE AND
MILD AND FUN-LOVING.

- TRUE.

- SO FIRST WE GET
FIVE BAGS OF CEMENT.

- CEMENT?

- YEAH, WE MIX IT
UP ALL NICE AND WET

AND WE CALL TO ZELDA AND WE SAY,

"HEY, ZEL, HOW'D YOU LIKE TO
SEE SOME NICE, WET CEMENT?"

- MAYNARD.
- AND WHEN SHE SHOWS UP,

WE GIVE HER A LITTLE
NUDGE AND IN SHE PLOPS.

- MAYNARD.

- AND THEN WE GET THE
WHOLE, WHOLE BLOCK,

PUT IT IN A PACKING CRATE,

NAIL IT UP AND OFF
TO THE RIVER WE ZOOM.

- HALT! HOW ARE YOU GONNA GET

THIS BLOCK OF
CEMENT TO THE RIVER?

- YOU CARRY IT.

- YOU TWO PUNIES GONNA CARRY
THAT GREAT BIG BLOCK OF CEMENT

TO THE RIVER?

- TOO HEAVY, HUH?
- GOT ANY OTHER IDEAS?

- NOPE.
- SO I'M STUCK WITH YOU.

- YEP.
- FOREVER?

- YEP.

- GOT ANY POISON LEFT?

- ZEL...