The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 3, Episode 15 - Happiness Can't Buy Money - full transcript

- LIKE, HI, DOBE.

- NO, MAYNARD.
- NO, MAYNARD, WHAT?

- NO, MAYNARD, I WILL
NOT LEND YOU A QUARTER

FOR A CHILI BURGER WITH MUSTARD,
ONIONS AND SLICED BANANAS.

- HEY, HOW'D YOU KNOW
I WAS GONNA ASK THAT?

YOU MUST BE A...
- YEAH. THE WORD IS PSYCHIC.

- THE WORD IS CHEAP.
- MAYNARD.

- NO OFFENSE, DOBE. IT AIN'T
YOUR FAULT YOU'RE CHEAP.

IT'S THE CHEAP WAYS YOU'RE
BRUNG UP BY YOUR CHEAP FATHER,

THE OLD FLINTSTONE.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S SKINFLINT.



AND YOU'RE RIGHT,
BUT THERE'S A REASON.

YOU SEE, ALL HIS LIFE,
DAD'S HAD TO STRUGGLE

FOR EVERY PENNY HE'S EVER HAD.

HE SAYS KIDS THESE
DAYS HAVE IT TOO EASY.

THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT
GOOD HARD WORK IS.

- QUITE SO, GILLIS
BABY. WHAT GOOD IS IT?

AND DON'T CROWD,
YOU GREEDY OAFS.

YOU'LL BRUISE THE CASHMERE.

HERE, FABULOUSLY EXPENSIVE
GOLD WATCHES FOR YOU AND YOU

AND YOU AND... [JAZZ THEME]

- CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.
IS THE RICHEST BOY IN TOWN.

HE DRIVES A FANCY
FOREIGN SPORTS CAR,

HE LIVES IN A BEAUTIFUL
HOUSE ON THE HILL,

AND HE HAS UNLIMITED
CHARGE ACCOUNTS



AT ALL THE CLASSY STORES.

BUT WITH ALL THAT, IS HE
HAPPY? WELL, YES, I GUESS HE IS.

BUT IT'S NOT REAL HAPPINESS,

NOT THE KIND THAT'S
LASTING OR IMPORTANT.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME? OKAY.

JUST LOOK AT THE WAY HE
CELEBRATES HIS BIRTHDAY.

- ON THIS, MY JOYOUS NATAL DAY,
OH, JOY TO ME, HOORAY, HOORAY.

- CHATSWORTH, YOU ARE
THE UTTER FLAMING ULTIMATE.

I MEAN, GIVING US WATCHES TO
CELEBRATE YOUR BIRTHDAY, I MEAN.

- YES, I AM RATHER
SPORTY, AMN'T I?

THERE WILL NOW BE GREAT
GOBS OF APPRECIATIVE,

UNSOLICITED APPLAUSE.

AND NOW, FOR THE
PIECE DE RESISTANCE,

YOU'RE ALL INVITED, SOCIAL
POSITION NOTWITHSTANDING,

TO ATTEND A GALA SOIREE
AT MY PALATIAL HOME.

HALT. HALT, PEASANTS,
I COMMAND YOU.

DIDN'T YOU HEAR? YOU ARE
INVITED TO OSBORNE MANOR.

- THANKS ANYHOW, CHATSWORTH,

BUT I'VE GOT TO GET
HOME AND STUDY.

I'M WEEKS BEHIND IN HISTORY.

- NO, COME BACK.

PLEASE, COMPATRIOTS,
SCHOOLMATES, FRIENDS,

PLEASE DON'T GO.

OH, MICE AND RATS.

DOBIE-DOO, WHY WON'T
ANYONE COME TO MY PARTY?

WHAT DID I DO WRONG?
WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?

- CHATSWORTH, LISTEN TO ME.

THOSE KIDS TURNED
DOWN YOUR INVITATION

BECAUSE YOU TRIED
TO WIN THEIR FRIENDSHIP

BY PAYING FOR IT.

YOU'LL NEVER BE A
WORTHWHILE HUMAN BEING

IF YOU PUT MONEY
BEFORE CHARACTER.

- OH, COME NOW.
- OH, COME NOW.

- YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE ON MY SIDE.

- I MUST ADMIT, YOU ARE
FAR BETTER LIKED THAN I

DESPITE YOUR
COMMONPLACE ORIGINS.

YOU ARE RESPECTED
FOR WHAT YOU ARE,

NOT FOR WHAT YOUR
FAMILY CAN BUY FOR YOU.

YES, YOU ARE A FINE UPSTANDING
CITIZEN OF THE FUTURE.

- NO, I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.
- NO, ME NEITHER.

- IT'S TRUE.

TELL ME, DOBIE-DOO,

HOW DID YOU GET TO BE THE
KIND OF CHAP YOU ARE TODAY?

- BAD BREAKS.

- HOW I ENVY YOU.

YOU MUST HAVE BEEN MOLDED
INTO YOUR PRESENT MANLY SHAPE

BY SOME ROCK-HARD, SOLID,
STUBBORN, UNBENDING FORCE.

- FOR PETE'S SAKE,
DOBIE, I'VE BEEN DRIVING

ALL OVER THIS COTTON-PICKING
CAMPUS LOOKING FOR YOU.

WHAT KIND OF MALARKEY IS
GOING ON AROUND HERE, ANYWAY?

- DAD, I WASN'T
SUPPOSED TO MEET YOU

TO HELP WITH THE
DELIVERY UNTIL 4:00.

- WHAT'S THE MATTER,
IT'S GONNA KILL YOU

TO BE A FEW MINUTES EARLY?

HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN YAPPIN'
AT YOU ABOUT AMBITION AND PUSH

AND GET UP AND GO?

BOY, IF YOU'RE EVER GONNA
AMOUNT TO ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD,

YOU GOTTA REMEMBER THE...

- DID YOU EVER WONDER

HOW COME YOU ACT LIKE
YOU, AND I ACT LIKE ME?

WELL, THERE'S A LOT
OF REASONS, OF COURSE,

BUT MOSTLY I'D SAY IT'S ON
ACCOUNT OF OUR PARENTS

AND THE WAY WE WERE BROUGHT UP.

I MEAN, MY PARENTS,
FOR INSTANCE,

ARE STRICT, BUT FAIR.

MAYNARD'S PARENTS ARE
BEWILDERED, BUT HOPEFUL.

AND CHATSWORTH OSBORNE,
JR.'S MOTHER IS A... IS A... IS...

- I'M A SUPREME EXAMPLE
OF AMERICAN MOTHERHOOD:

SWEET, KIND, GENTLE,
UNDERSTANDING.

AND IF YOU DO NOT STOP
PESTERING ME AT ONCE,

IT'S DEVIL'S ISLAND FOR
YOU, YOU NASTY BOY.

- MUMSY, I AM NOT A NASTY BOY.

YESTERDAY, I CELEBRATED
MY 20th BIRTHDAY.

- THAT MAKES YOU A NASTY
20-YEAR-OLD NASTY BOY.

- YOU MEAN LOVABLE ME?

- THANKS TO LOVABLE YOU,

I WILL PROBABLY HAVE TO
CALL OFF MY TIGER HUNT IN INDIA.

I CAN'T GO AND LEAVE YOU ALL
ALONE HERE AT OSBORNE MANOR.

- WHY NOT?

I AM PERFECTLY CAPABLE
OF TAKING CARE OF MYSELF.

I AM IN COLLEGE,

I AM A VETERAN OF
THE ARMED FORCES.

- OH, CHATSWORTH,

IT PAINS ME DEEPLY
TO TELL YOU THIS,

BUT MERELY BEING IN
COLLEGE AND BEING A VETERAN

DOES NOT NECESSARILY QUALIFY YOU

TO BE A RESPONSIBLE,
DEPENDABLE PERSON.

- YES, I'M AFRAID SO, MUMSY.

- YOU HAVE EVERY
QUALIFICATION TO BE A MAN...

AGE, EDUCATION,
BACKGROUND... AND STILL...

- I AM NOTHING BUT A NASTY BOY.

- TRUE. HEARTBREAKING, BUT TRUE.

NO, TO LEAVE YOU ALONE
HERE WOULD MERELY MEAN

TO INVITE DISASTER AND
QUADRUPLE INSURANCE RATES.

OH, CHATSWORTH,
LET'S FACE THE FACTS.

YOU ARE MY SON.

YOU HAVE MANY,
MANY FINE QUALITIES,

MOST OF WHICH ESCAPE
ME FOR THE MOMENT,

BUT I CANNOT LEAVE YOU HERE

WITHOUT A STRONG,
FIRM, ROUGH HAND

TO LEAD YOU AROUND BY THE EAR.

- MUMSY, I WILL TRY
VALIANTLY... WAIT.

A STRONG, FIRM, ROUGH HAND.

I KNOW JUST THE MAN.
I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.

- OH, SIMMER DOWN.
SIMMER DOWN, CHATSWORTH.

WHAT ARE YOU JABBERING ABOUT?

- MUMSY, WHAT IF I COULD FIND
SOMEONE WHO IS STRONG AND FIRM

AND ROUGH ENOUGH?

SOMEONE WHO COULD MOLD
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.,

NAMBY-PAMBY WEAKLING,

INTO CHATSWORTH OSBORNE,
JR., MANLY MAN AMONG MEN?

- WELL, IT WOULD BE
BYE-BYE, CHATSWORTH,

HELLO, INDIA.

OH, WHERE WOULD WE
EVER FIND SUCH A MAN...

SOMEONE HARD AND
FIRM AND RUTHLESS...

NOW THAT CAPTAIN BLIGH
IS NO LONGER WITH US?

- I'VE GOT JUST THE MAN.

HE'LL TURN ME INTO
THE KIND OF PERSON

I SO LONG TO BE:

SELF-RELIANT, FIRM,
DECISIVE, CONFIDENT.

- MEAN, ROTTEN, ROTTEN,
MEAN, ALSO CHEAP...

- MAYNARD, YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT MY FATHER.

- THAT'S THE FELLOW.

ROUGH-LOOKING, MEAN,
ROTTEN, ROTTEN, MEAN.

- I KNOW ALL THOSE THINGS.
THAT'S WHY I WANT TO BORROW HIM.

- BORROW MY FATHER?

CHATSWORTH, THAT'S THE
MOST RIDICULOUS THING

I EVER HEARD OF.

- IF NECESSARY, I'LL RENT HIM.
- LOOK.

- I'D BUY HIM, BUT I
HEAR TELL ARE LAWS.

- I DON'T GET THIS, CHATSWORTH.

I MEAN, MY FATHER'S AN
HONEST CITIZEN AND A VETERAN,

AND YOU GET USED
TO HIM AND ALL THAT,

BUT BORROW HIM?

- BORROW? WHO WANTS
TO BORROW SOMETHING?

BOY, YOU LET ME CATCH
YOU LENDING ANYTHING

OUT OF THIS STORE,

AND YOU'LL PAY FOR
IT OUT OF YOUR SALARY

IF IT TAKES THE NEXT 20 YEARS.

- MR. GILLIS, YOU
ARE MAGNIFICENT.

- WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

YOU SOME KIND OF A
BLUE-BLOODED NUT OR SOMETHIN'?

- MR. GILLIS, I CAME HERE
TO ASK A FAVOR OF YOU.

- HIM? OH, COME NOW.
- MAYNARD.

- MR. GILLIS.
- ALL RIGHT, CHATSWORTH.

TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT SO
I'LL KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING NO TO.

- I WANT YOU TO MAKE ME
INTO EXACTLY THE KIND OF MAN

YOUR SON DOBIE IS.

- I WAS RIGHT. YOU ARE
A BLUE-BLOODED NUT.

- I'M SERIOUS, MR. GILLIS.
PLEASE LISTEN TO ME.

MR. GILLIS.

- THIS SEEMS TO MEAN A GREAT
DEAL TO CHATSWORTH, DEAR.

WHY DON'T YOU HEAR HIM OUT?

- OKAY, CHATSWORTH.
WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?

- MR. GILLIS...

- I'VE HEARD ENOUGH AND
I'M AGAINST THE WHOLE THING.

GOODBYE.

- LOOK... LOOK
AT ME, MR. GILLIS.

WHAT KIND OF A PERSON
DO I APPEAR TO BE?

THE TRUTH NOW.
- WELL, UH...

- MR. G., IF YOU'RE SHORT
ON WORDS, I'VE GOT PLENTY.

- MAYNARD.

- WHAT ABOUT YOU, MRS. GILLIS?
HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE ME?

- WELL...
- DOBIE?
- WELL...

- OH, BOY, MY TURN.
- MAYNARD.

- I'M SPOILED, TRUE? SNOBBISH,
OVERBEARING, SNOOTY.

- YUP. THEM ARE THE WORDS.
- IT'S TRUE.

THAT'S EXACTLY THE
KIND OF PERSON I'VE BEEN:

SNOBBISH, SNOOTY, OVERBEARING.

- YOU LEFT OUT CREEPY.

- ALL RIGHT. CREEPY.

THAT'S WHY I NEED
YOUR HELP, MR. GILLIS.

I WANT YOU TO MOVE
INTO OSBORNE MANOR

WHILE MUMSY IS AWAY,

BRING YOUR FAMILY WITH YOU
IF YOU WISH, AND MAKE ME OVER.

MAKE ME TOE THE MARK
THE WAY YOU DID WITH DOBIE.

MAKE A MAN OUT OF ME.

MY LIFE TILL NOW HAS
BEEN A TERRIBLE WASTE.

I DESPERATELY NEED
SOMEONE TO STRAIGHTEN ME OUT

BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

- YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
CHATSWORTH?

UNDER THAT SNOOTY OUTSIDE,

I'VE GOT A FEELING THAT YOU'VE
GOT A PRETTY OKAY INSIDE.

- I HOPE SO, DOBIE-DOO.
I TRULY HOPE SO.

- MR. GILLIS WILL BE OVERJOYED
TO HELP YOU, CHATSWORTH, DEAR.

WON'T YOU, HERBERT?
- NOW, WINNIE...

- DAD, A HUMAN SOUL
IS CRYING OUT FOR HELP.

HOW CAN YOU SAY NO?
- YOU'RE RIGHT, SON.

I'M TOO BIG A MAN TO BACK DOWN
IN THE FACE OF THIS CHALLENGE.

CHATSWORTH, YOU'VE
GOT YOURSELF A DEAL.

BUT YOU BETTER BE LOADED
WITH INTESTINAL FORTITUDE

BECAUSE FROM NOW ON

IT'S EARLY TO
BED, EARLY TO RISE,

HARD WORK, THE
ROUGH AND READY LIFE.

- GLORIOSKI, I'M BEGINNING TO
FEEL STALWART AND MANLY ALREADY.

- TEACHING CHATSWORTH
OSBORNE, JR.

HOW TO BECOME A
MAN WAS NOT A JOB

TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY,

BUT IF IT COULD BE DONE,
DAD WAS THE FELLOW TO DO IT.

IN THE FIRST PLACE,
HE DOESN'T GO FOR

ANY OF THAT FANCY
BOWING AND SCRAPING.

- I DON'T GO FOR NONE OF THAT
FANCY BOWIN' AND SCRAPIN'.

NOW, CUT THAT OUT!

I WANT YOU TO TREAT ME
LIKE I WAS A SIMPLE PERSON.

- HE IS BOWING AND SCRAPING
TO ME, YOU SIMPLE MAN.

IF YOU WERE ANY MORE
SIMPLE, IT WOULD BE INDECENT.

- HELLO, MRS. OSBORNE.

- GILLIS, I UNDERSTAND THAT
YOU ARE GOING TO ATTEMPT

TO TAKE MY PLACE AND
MAKE A HARDWORKING,

EARTHY MAN AMONG MEN
OUT OF MY POOR BABY.

CHATSWORTH, BUTTON
YOUR COAT, DEAR.

THERE'S A DRAFT OUT HERE.

- MUMSY, PLEASE.

- WELL, I SHALL
DO MY BEST, MA'AM.

AFTER ALL, THERE'S
GOOD STUFF IN THE BOY.

IT JUST AIN'T BEEN BROUGHT
OUT RIGHT AROUND... NO OFFENSE.

- AND SO YOU INTEND TO BRING
OUT THIS GOOD STUFF IN HIM?

- MRS. OSBORNE, WHEN
YOU GET BACK HOME,

YOU WON'T RECOGNIZE THE BOY.

- WELL, I'VE ALWAYS TRIED TO DO
WHAT IS RIGHT FOR CHATSWORTH

EVER SINCE HIS FATHER

WENT TO THAT BIG BOARD OF
DIRECTORS MEETING IN THE SKY,

BUT RAISING A BOY
ALONE IS NOT EASY

FOR A POOR, HELPLESS WIDOW.

BY THE WAY, TREMBLAY,
CALL MY BROKER

FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.

TELL HIM TO BUY UP EVERY
SHARE OF AMALGAMATED TIN

IF IT BREAKS THE COMPANY

AND EVERY MISERABLE
STOCKHOLDER IN IT.

- IT WILL BE ATTENDED TO, MADAM.

- MRS. OSBORNE, MY
HUSBAND DOES NOT MEAN

THAT HE INTENDS
TO TAKE YOUR PLACE.

IT'S JUST THAT... FORGIVE ME...
WITHOUT A FIRM, MASCULINE HAND

TO GUIDE HIM,

A BOY CAN GO OFF
IN ODD DIRECTIONS.

- OH, NO.

DON'T SHILLY-SHALLY,
MRS. GILLIS.

YOUR COARSE, WORKING MAN
HUSBAND INTENDS TO SHOW CHATSWORTH

THAT OUR WAY OF LIFE
HAS BEEN HARMFUL.

- IT MUST BE TRUE, MUMSY.
ELSE WHY AM I SO UNPLEASANT?

- THE WORD IS NASTY,
BUT YOU DO HAVE A POINT.

I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO
FAITH IN THE OUTCOME

OF THIS WHOLE EXPERIMENT,

BUT I HAVE PROMISED CHATSWORTH
THAT HE MAY HAVE A GO AT IT,

AND I'VE NEVER
RENEGED ON A PROMISE,

UNLESS I FEEL LIKE IT.

TREMBLAY, MY BAGS. INDIA AWAITS.

- FAREWELL, MUMSY. GOOD HUNTING.

- ALL RIGHT,
CHATSWORTH. BREAKING.

AHH! OH, AN INVASION!
TREMBLAY, MY ELEPHANT GUN!

- NO, MRS. O. IT'S JUST
ME, MAYNARD G. KREBS.

- CALL WASHINGTON. TRY TO
GET PRESIDENT HARDING DIRECTLY.

- UH, MAYNARD'S WITH
ME, MRS. OSBORNE.

HE GETS LONESOME ALONE.
- I CRY.

- UH-HUH.

- OH, NO.

OH, AFTER THIS,
MAN-EATING TIGERS

WILL BE A LADY'S TEA PARTY.

SO THEY THINK THEY CAN
BRAINWASH MUMSY'S LITTLE LAMB.

MUMSY IS GOING NOWHERE.

MUMSY IS STAYING RIGHT HERE
AND WATCH THEM FAIL MISERABLY.

- HERE, MADAM?

- THIS SECRET PASSAGE
GOES ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE.

IT WAS BUILT BY CHATSWORTH'S
GREAT-GREAT-GRANDFATHER,

REPUBLICAN TAY OSBORNE.

HE HID OUT HERE THROUGH FIVE
DEMOCRATIC ADMINISTRATIONS.

TREMBLAY, HIDE THE LUGGAGE,

THERE'S MORE THAN
ONE WAY TO SKIN A GILLIS.

- YES, MADAM.

- THE REASON THIS KID IS SOFT
AND FLABBY AND WISHY-WASHY

IS BECAUSE THE
LIVING AROUND HERE

IS SOFT AND FLABBY AND
WISHY-WASHY, BUT NO MORE.

ALL THE FANCY LIVIN' IS OUT.

- BRAVO, MR. GILLIS.
- THANK YOU.

I'LL HAVE NOBODY IN THIS HOUSE
WHO'S A TIME WASTER, A SLACKER,

A GOLD BRICK, A GOOF-OFF.

- YOU RANG? HI, GUYS.

GEE, WHEN DOES
THE EASY LIVIN' START?

- MAYNARD, DROP THAT GEAR,
FALL IN AND START SHAPIN' UP.

- LIKE, YES, SIR, DICTATORSHIP.

- AND THAT'S THE
WAY IT'S GONNA BE.

HARD WORK, NO
FRILLS. ANY QUESTIONS?

THAT'S WHAT I'D LIKE
TO SEE, NO BACK TALK.

DISMISSED.

AND LISTEN, YOU GUYS
BETTER GET UPSTAIRS

AND START SLEEPIN' ON THE DOUBLE
BECAUSE REVEILLE GOES AT 0600.

WE GOT TO GET OUT
THERE AND RAKE LEAVES

AND PAINT THE TOOL SHED

AND DIG A COUPLE OF
HUNDRED POST HOLES.

- YEAH, 6:00, DAD?

- LIKE, 6:00? LIKE, BYE.

- CHATSWORTH, THE
IDEA IS DON'T WEAKEN.

KEEP DRIVIN' AHEAD
TOWARD THAT GOAL.

- NEVER LET ANYTHING
TEMPT YOU AWAY

FROM THE COURSE THAT
YOU'VE CHOSEN TO FOLLOW.

THAT'S THE SECRET OF SUCCESS.

- WITH THE TWO OF THEM
AS MY INSPIRING EXAMPLES,

HOW COULD ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD

POSSIBLY SIDETRACK ME?

- PSST! PSST! TREMBLAY.

- YOU HISSED, MADAM?

- DON'T LOOK AT THE
PICTURE, YOU KNUCKLEHEAD.

CARRY ON, FACE THE OTHER WAY.

- AS YOU SAY, MADAM.

- THIS OAF, GILLIS, MUST
BE SMARTER THAN HE LOOKS.

- HE'D HAVE TO BE, MADAM.

- HE AND HIS IDIOTICALLY
VIRTUOUS FAMILY

HAVE FIRMLY CONVINCED CHATSWORTH
THAT THE SOFT AND EASY LIFE

IS UNHEALTHY.

- GOOD GAD, SHOULDN'T
WE REPORT THEM

TO SOME CONGRESSIONAL COMMITTEE?

- NO. THERE'S A QUICKER WAY.

LET US SEE HOW LONG THE
NOBLE GILLISES CAN RESIST

THE SOFT AND EASY LIFE
WHEN IT'S OFFERED TO THEM.

- AH, MADAM IS A GENIUS.

- NEVER MIND THE
FLATTERY, TREMBLAY.

JUST GET CRACKING.

GREAT GRANDFATHER
OSBORNE WAS A DRINKING MAN,

AND IT'S SOGGY IN HERE.

- VERY WELL, MADAM.

EDITH, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

- [SPEAKING FRENCH], TREMBLAY.

QU'EST-CE QUE
C'EST THIS HARD WORK

AND QU'EST-CE QUE
C'EST THIS BLABBERMOUTH

HERBERT T. GILLIS?

- DON'T WORRY. HE WON'T
BE WITH US FOR LONG.

MEANWHILE, YOU TAKE
CARE OF MRS. GILLIS,

THE FULL TREATMENT.

- OOH, THE TREATMENT? OOH LA LA?

- RIGHT.

AND I'LL BE GIVING OLD
BLABBERMOUTH THE TREATMENT

DOUBLE OOH LA LA.

- WHEN MY FATHER WAS A
BOY, HE LED A VERY HARD LIFE.

YOU KNOW WHY, BECAUSE
HIS FAMILY WAS CHEAP.

YEAH. WELL, MAYBE CHEAP'S
THE WRONG WAY TO PUT IT.

WHAT THEY REALLY
WERE WAS, UH, CHEAP.

BUT THAT EXPERIENCE MADE
DAD SO TOUGH AND STRONG

AND HARD HEADED
THAT THE LUXURIES

OF OSBORNE MANOR
COULD NEVER SOFTEN HIM UP.

[HUMMING]

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?

- I'VE COME TO BATHE YOU, SIR.

- LISTEN, THE LAST TIME ANYBODY
BATHED ME WAS MY MOTHER.

I WAS SIX MONTHS OLD,
AND I DIDN'T LIKE IT THEN.

WHAT'S THAT STUFF?

- IT'S IGUANA OIL,
SIR. MOST RELAXING.

- WHATEVER HAPPENED TO
GOOD OLD FASHIONED SOAP?

OUT! CUT THAT OUT.

IF MY BACK GETS SCRUBBED,
I'M GONNA BE THE ONE TO...

A LITTLE OVER TO THE
RIGHT, PLEASE. THERE. THERE.

THAT'S THE SPOT I NEVER
COULD GET A HOLD OF.

I'M A FULL GROWN MAN, AND I'M...

NO. NO. A LITTLE HIGHER.

A LITTLE... OOH, YEAH.

OOH. MAKE BIGGER CIRCLES.

- REMEMBER, FIFI,
THE ONLY REASON

THAT I'M LETTING YOU
WAIT ON ME LIKE THIS

IS BECAUSE IT'S BEEN
A LONG, TIRING DAY.

- OUI, MADAM.

AND NOW MADAM MUST
CHOOSE FOR HERSELF

A BEAUTIFUL DRESSING
GOWN FROM PARIS.

- A DRESSING GOWN? OH, NO, FIFI.

I COULDN'T TAKE
ANYTHING... THAT WHITE ONE.

IS THAT MY SIZE?

- IT WILL BE PERFECT, MADAM.

- OH, IT'S BEEN YEARS
SINCE HERBERT SAW ME

IN ANYTHING LIKE THIS.

NOT SINCE OUR HONEYMOON.
OH COME ON, GIRLS, HURRY UP.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR
HERBERT TO SEE ME,

AND DON'T BE CHEAP
WITH THAT PERFUME.

OH, POOR HERBERT,
LIVING THE ROUGH

AND RUGGED LIFE.

HE DOESN'T KNOW
WHAT HE'S MISSING.

- CHINESE SILK PAJAMAS?
YOU MUST BE KIDDING.

- BUT, MR. GILLIS, SIR,
AT OSBORNE MANOR,

EVERYBODY WEARS THIS
TYPE OF SLEEPING APPAREL.

- LOOK, I LET YOU TALK ME
INTO THAT FANCY BATH, SEE,

BUT THE SILK PAJAMAS IS OUT,

AND THAT GOES FOR
YOU, TOO, WALDO, OUT.

- BUT, SIR, WHAT ABOUT
THE MIDNIGHT REPAST

THAT COOK HAS PREPARED?

ALL SORTS OF GOODIES.

- DON'T YOU KNOW THAT IT
IS VERY UNHEALTHY TO EAT

JUST BEFORE YOU GO TO BED?

AND BESIDES, STUFF LIKE...

WELL, I GUESS JUST
THIS ONCE A LITTLE SNACK

AIN'T GOING TO HURT ME.

BUT I DON'T WANT YOU TO
THINK IT'S GOING TO BECOME

A REGULAR HABIT, SEE?

GIVE ME JUST A LITTLE DAB
OF THOSE FISH EGGS, THERE.

- OF COURSE, IT WILL
BECOME A REGULAR HABIT.

HOW ABOUT SOME OF THESE
OYSTERS ROCKEFELLER?

- WELL, IF ROCKEFELLER
AIN'T USING THEM, WHY NOT?

SAY, BLINKY, WOULD YOU
MIND SLIPPING ON MY SLIPPERS?

I'VE HAD A HARD TIRING DAY.

- THAT'S THE WAY TO TALK.
NOW, YOU'VE GOT THE RIGHT IDEA.

- POOR WINNIE, SHE DON'T
KNOW WHAT SHE'S MISSING.

- ALL RIGHT, SO MRS.
OSBORNE'S BUTLER FOUND

A COUPLE OF LITTLE
WEAK SPOTS IN DAD.

BUT WHEN IT CAME TO FIGHTING
OFF THE IMPORTANT LUXURIES,

DAD WAS STRONG AS AN OX.

- THANK YOU.

HAVE THESE PEELED THE NEXT TIME.

- GOOD HEAVENS, I
COMPLETELY FORGOT TO CANCEL

MRS. OSBORNE'S FLAMENCO LESSON.

I'M SORRY, MADAM IS
OUT OF TOWN. BYE BYE.

ADIOS. VAMOS.

UNLESS, SIR, YOU'D CARE TO
AVAIL YOURSELF OF THE LESSONS?

THEY ARE MOST, SHALL
WE SAY, INTERESTING.

- WELL, AS LONG AS THEY'RE HERE,
WE DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING

TO UPSET FRIENDLY
LATIN-AMERICAN RELATIONS,

NOW DO WE?

HOW DO YOU TURN THEM ON?

- OLE.
- OLE.

OKAY, KIDS. OLE!

[MUSIC]

- COME IN AND JOIN THE PARTY.

WINNIE! HEY, LOOK AT YOU!

LOOK AT ME WITH
THE PADDED KIMONO

AND THE SILK PAJAMAS.

HEY, AND GET A LOAD OF THIS
MIDNIGHT SNACK OVER HERE, HUH?

AND THE BEST ENTERTAINMENT
NORTH OF TIJUANA.

OLE.

- HERBERT, I THOUGHT WE
WERE SUPPOSED TO LIVE SIMPLY.

- WELL, WINNIE, YOU KNOW I
DON'T LIKE THIS FANCY LIVING

ANY MORE THAN YOU DO,

BUT WE GOT TO THINK OF ALL
OUR OTHER FELLOW AMERICANS.

- FELLOW AMERICANS?

- WELL, SURE, ALL OF
OTHER FELLOW AMERICANS.

TAKE THESE FISH
EGGS FOR INSTANCE.

WHY, IF WE DON'T EAT THEM,
THE FIRST THING YOU KNOW

THE DEMAND FOR FISH
EGGS STARTS GOING DOWN,

AND IT'S A KNOWN FACT
THAT FISH EGGS COLLECTORS

HAVE LARGE FAMILIES, SEE?

NOW, WHAT HAPPENS TO
ALL THESE LITTLE KIDDIES

WHEN PAPA GETS THE EGGS, HUH?

POVERTY, STARVATION,
MALNUTRITION, THAT'S WHAT.

- WELL, I...
- AND RUBBER BOOTS.

- RUBBER BOOTS?
- WELL, SURE.

YOU DON'T THINK A GUY CAN
GO RUNNING AROUND IN RIVERS

COLLECTING FISH EGGS UNLESS
HE WEARS RUBBER BOOTS, DO YOU?

- WELL, I SUPPOSE
NOT, HERBERT, BUT...

- AND WHERE DO WE GET THE RUBBER
FROM TO MAKE THOSE RUBBER BOOTS?

SOUTH AMERICA.

YOU DON'T WANT THE
REST OF THE WORLD

TO FIGURE WE'RE
TURNING OUR BACKS

ON OUR FELLOW SOUTH
AMERICANS, DO YOU?

- I...
- AND TORTILLAS,
WHAT ABOUT THEM?

- TORTILLAS?

- NO SPANISH DANCING,
NOBODY WEARS OUT HEELS.

NOBODY WEARS OUT HEELS,
NOBODY'S BUYING HEELS,

AND ALL THE SPANISH
HEEL MAKERS ARE BROKE

AND CAN'T BUY TORTILLAS,

AND THEN THE TORTILLA
MAKERS ARE BROKE.

AND, WINNIE, YOU ARE DRIVING
US SMACK DAB INTO THE CENTER

OF MALNUTRITION, STARVATION,
POVERTY, WAR WITH SPAIN

AND SOUTH AMERICAN AND
ALL US FELLOW AMERICANS.

- I'M JUST NO GOOD.
I HATE MYSELF.

DANCERS, OLE.

[MUSIC]

- MY SPANISH BLOOD.

- OH, HERBERT, I ONLY
HOPE I'M IN TIME TO UNDO

ALL THE DREADFUL
DAMAGE THAT I'VE DONE.

- OH, JUST DO THE BEST
YOU CAN, WINNIE POOH.

NO MAN IS EVER PERFECT.

- OH MY.

- NOT BAD, HUH?

- THANK YOU. NOT BAD, WOW.

AND I FEEL SO PATRIOTIC.

- MR. GILLIS, SIR, WE
ARE READY FOR BED,

SO WE MAY BE UP WITH THE
BIRDS TO START WORKING

AND LEARNING TO...

WHAT ABOUT THE
VIRTUES OF HARD WORK

AND THE PLAIN, SIMPLE LIFE?

- WELL, CHATSY, I'LL TELL YOU.

YOU SEE, IT WAS THIS WAY,
WE... I CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING,

BUT YOU TELL HIM, WINNIE.

- PLEASE, MR. GILLIS. IT'S
ALL PERFECTLY CLEAR.

TEMPTATION WAS PUT IN YOUR
PATH AND YOU COULDN'T RESIST IT.

I UNDERSTAND.

I'VE SPENT A LIFETIME GIVING
INTO TEMPTATIONS MYSELF.

- NOW, JUST A MINUTE.

SO WE LIVED IT UP A
LITTLE, BUT THIS DON'T MEAN

THAT I AIN'T FIT TO TEACH YOU
HOW TO GROW UP AND BE A MAN.

- NO OFFENSE, DAD,

BUT THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT IT DOES PROVE.

CHATSWORTH BROUGHT US
HERE TO BE SHINING EXAMPLES

OF THE KIND OF PERSON
HE THINKS HE WANTS TO BE,

AND WE'VE ONLY PROVED
THAT NO ONE CAN REALLY RELY

ON SOMEONE ELSE TO
TEACH HIM THE THINGS

HE HAS TO LEARN HIMSELF.

- NOW, HOLD ON, BOY.

I THINK THAT...
YOU KNOW, THAT...

WELL, I THINK I'VE LET YOU
DOWN HORRIBLY, CHATSWORTH,

AND I DON'T WANT
YOU TO BE MAD AT ME.

I'M NOT BAD, YOU
KNOW, I'M JUST WEAK.

- PLEASE, I FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT
LETTING YOUR MOTHER DOWN

BECAUSE WE PROMISED THAT WE'D
TAKE CARE OF THE HOUSE FOR HER.

- I SHALL TAKE
CARE OF THE HOUSE,

AND I SHALL TAKE CARE OF MUMSY.

- YOU WILL DO WHAT,
YOU NASTY BOY?

- MUMSY!

- HARD WORKING,
HOMESPUN, PIONEER SPIRIT.

WELL, NOW I HOPE
YOU'VE LEARNED A LESSON.

I HAVE BEEN LURKING THERE ALL
DAY WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT.

- BUT, MUMSY!
- QUIET, INGRATE.

- NO, MUMSY. I SHALL NOT BE
SHUSHED LIKE A MERE CHILD.

YOUR LITTLE BOY HAS BECOME
A FULL-FLEDGED OSBORNE MAN.

- CHATSWORTH, THIS
IS UTTER NONSENSE.

HOW CAN YOU SUDDENLY
BE SO SURE YOU'RE A MAN?

- I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY
HOW, I JUST KNOW.

- FORGIVE ME FOR
INTERFERING, MRS. OSBORNE,

BUT CHATSWORTH IS RIGHT.

SOMEHOW HE KNOWS THAT HE'S
LEARNED ALL HE CAN FROM OTHERS.

FROM HERE ON IN, EVERYTHING
HE DOES OR DOESN'T DO IN LIFE

IS UP TO HIM AND HIM ALONE.

- HE'S JUST A BOY.

- NO, MUMSY.

TO EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM,

MY ACTIONS IN THE
PAST FEW MINUTES

HAVE PROVED THAT I
HAVE BECOME A MAN,

BUT YOU STILL SEE ME AS A BOY.

- BOY.
- ONLY TO YOU, MUMSY,

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SEE CLEARLY
FOR THE LOVE IN YOUR EYES.

- OH, I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.

WELL, NOW, YOU'RE A MAN.

- MUMSIES ARE ALWAYS
THE LAST TO KNOW.

NOW, GO TO INDIA AND HUNT
TO YOUR HEART'S CONTENT.

BE HAPPY, I'M A MAN
NOW. I SHALL TAKE CHARGE.

- BY FOUNDER, I
THINK YOU CAN DO IT.

WELL, CHATSWORTH, FAREWELL.

I GO WITH A LIGHT HEART
AND AN ITCHY TRIGGER FINGER.

- I THINK I'VE PASSED
THE FIRST TEST.

- YOU CERTAINLY HAVE, DEAR.

- WELL, I GUESS WE
BETTER GET OUT OF HERE

SO YOU CAN START
RUNNING OSBORNE MANOR

AND BEING SIMPLE AND
RUGGED AND HARDWORKING.

- WELL, I CERTAINLY WANT
TO BE SIMPLE, RUGGED

AND HARDWORKING
STARTING TOMORROW.

FOOD, DANCING, MUSIC. OLE!

[MUSIC]

- YOU KNOW, IT'S A WONDER
HE DIDN'T POUNCE ON HER.

- A TIGER POUNCE ON
ME? HE WOULDN'T DARE.

- WELL, WE'RE AWFULLY GLAD
THAT YOU'RE HOME SAFE AND SOUND

AND THAT YOU'RE HERE
HAVING DINNER WITH US.

- OH, IT WAS DELICIOUS.

NOW, YOU MUST GIVE
THIS RECIPE TO MY CHEF.

WHAT'S IT CALLED?
- FRANKFURTERS AND BEANS.

JUST CALL WINNIE ANY
TUESDAY OR THURSDAY,

AND SHE'LL PUT
YOUR NAME IN THE POT.

- WELL, YOU MEN
SIT HERE AND TALK.

I HAVE DISHES TO DO.

- MAY I HELP?

- CHATSWORTH, YOU
WEREN'T LISTENING.

MEN ARE TO SIT HERE AND TALK.
DISHES ARE A WOMAN'S WORK.

WINNIE, WILL I WASH OR DRY?

- GLORIOSKI, MY
CUP RUNNETH OVER.