The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 3, Episode 1 - The Ruptured Duck - full transcript

- PRIVATE GILLIS,
PRIVATE KREBS. AT EASE.

GENTLEMEN, TODAY IS A PROUD DAY

IN THE HISTORY OF THE
UNITED STATES ARMY.

A GLORIOUS DAY.

A DAY THAT WILL
RANK WITH YORKTOWN,

WITH SAN JUAN HILL, WITH
V.E. DAY, WITH V.J. DAY.

GENTLEMEN, SPEAKING FOR
THE UNITED STATES ARMY,

INDEED FOR ALL AMERICA,

I TAKE EXCRUCIATING
PLEASURE IN HANDING YOU

YOUR DISCHARGE.

[JAZZ THEME]



- YES, SIR.

I'VE JUST FINISHED
MY MILITARY SERVICE.

I'VE PROTECTED AND DEFENDED
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY,

AND IF I SAY SO MYSELF, I
DIDN'T DO TOO BAD A JOB.

THERE WASN'T ONE SINGLE INVASION

ALL THE TIME I WAS IN THE ARMY.

THOSE DAYS ARE OVER.

I HAVE MY HONORABLE DISCHARGE,

AND NOW IT'S BACK
TO CIVILIAN LIFE.

IT'S SURE GONNA BE
GOOD GETTING BACK.

NOT THAT I DIDN'T LIKE THE ARMY.

I MEAN, THE ARMY TAUGHT
ME AN AWFUL LOT OF THINGS

THAT ARE GONNA BE
USEFUL IN CIVILIAN LIFE



LIKE PEELING POTATOES,
DIGGING FOXHOLES,

KILLING PEOPLE WITH
YOUR BARE HANDS.

ALL VALUABLE EXPERIENCE FOR
WHEN I BECOME A CIVILIAN AGAIN.

BROTHER, I CAN HARDLY WAIT.

EXCUSE ME.

LET'S FACE IT.

YOU CAN PUT A UNIFORM ON
ME AND STICK A GUN IN MY HAND,

TEACH ME TO MARCH AND
DRILL AND SHOOT AND FIGHT,

BUT WAY DOWN DEEP

I'M STILL DOBIE
GILLIS, CIVILIAN,

AND I WON'T KILL YOU.

I'M MIGHTY HAPPY
TO BE GOING BACK,

AND I TELL YOU WHO ELSE IS HAPPY

TO BE GOING BACK
TO CIVILIAN LIFE,

MY FRIEND, MAYNARD G. KREBS.

- I DON'T WANNA GO BACK, DOBE.

DON'T LET THEM SEND
ME BACK TO CIVILIAN LIFE.

- MAYNARD.

- MAYNARD, PLEASE.

- DOBE, THEY CAN'T THROW
ME OUT OF THE ARMY.

I'M A CITIZEN AND A TAXPAYER.

- MAYNARD, YOU'RE
NOT BEING THROWN OUT.

YOU'VE GOT AN
HONORABLE DISCHARGE.

- WHAT'S THE
DIFFERENCE? I'M OUT.

- GOOD THINKING.

MAYNARD, LET ME POINT
OUT SOMETHING TO YOU.

WE'RE NOT IN THE FIFTH GRADE.

WE'RE YOUNG MATURE ADULTS,

VETERANS OF THE
UNITED STATES ARMY.

WE'RE GOING OUT INTO A BIG,
BROAD, CHALLENGING WORLD.

- COULDN'T WE GO BACK TO
THE FIFTH GRADE INSTEAD?

- NO, MAYNARD.

- THEN LET'S GO
BACK TO THE ARMY.

- WHY ARE YOU SO AFRAID
TO GO OUT IN THE WORLD?

- WELL, WHAT DO WE,
LIKE, FIND OUT THERE?

- OUR FRIENDS,
FAMILIES, HOMES, WORK.

- WORK?!

- MAYNARD, AND
THAT'S ANOTHER THING.

YOU'VE GOT TO STOP
SCREAMING EVERY TIME

YOU HEAR THE WORD WORK.
- WORK?!

- MAYNARD!
- OKAY, GOOD BUDDY.

WHAT KIND OF THAT TERRIBLE
THING YOU SAID ARE WE GONNA DO?

- EMPLOYMENT.
YEAH. I DON'T KNOW.

SOMETHING IN THE
EXECUTIVE LINE, MAYBE?

- OH, GOOD THINKING. I
MEAN, THE WORLD IS, LIKE,

CRYING FOR EXECUTIVES OUR AGE.

I MEAN, ESPECIALLY WITH BEARDS.

- OH, YEAH.

WELL, HOW ABOUT
DOOR-TO-DOOR SALESMEN?

- DOGS BITE YOU.

- GARDENER?
- MOSQUITOES BITE YOU.

- BABYSITTER?
- BABIES BITE YOU.

- MAYNARD?
- YEAH, GOOD BUDDY?

- LET'S GO BACK TO THE ARMY.

- GOOD THINKING.
- YEAH.

BUT SIR...
- NO. NEGATIVE. N-O. NO. NO!

- OH, WELL, NEVER MIND, MAYNARD.

WE'LL JUST SQUARE OUR
SHOULDERS AND GRIT OUR TEETH,

WALK WITH OUR HEADS HELD HIGH,

BRAVELY INTO THE BIG,
BROAD, CHALLENGING WORLD.

- DO YOU THINK HE'LL
NOTICE IT, HERBERT?

- UNLESS HE IS BLINDFOLDED.

- SOMEHOW IT
DOESN'T SEEM ENOUGH.

DON'T YOU THINK WE OUGHT
TO HAVE SOMETHING ELSE?

- WELL, HOW ABOUT HAVING
THE JOINT CHIEFS OF STAFF

OR A 21-GUN SALUTE?

- OH, HERBERT. WELCOME
WAR HERO DOBIE.

- OH, FOR PETE'S SAKE, WINNIE,

THE KID'S DONE A SOFT
HITCH IN THE PEACETIME ARMY.

THE WORST HE'S BEEN EXPOSED
TO IS STANDING RIB ROASTS,

INNER SPRING MATTRESSES
AND PING-PONG GAMES,

AND YOU WANT TO MAKE A
NATIONAL HOLIDAY OUT OF IT.

- HE'S COMING, MRS. G. I JUST
SAW HIM TURN THE CORNER.

- OH, MY GOODNESS.

COME ON, HERBERT,
LET'S GET READY.

- OH, FOR PETE'S SAKE, WINNIE.

- [BLOWS PITCH PIPE]

- ♪ WHEN DOBIE COMES
MARCHING HOME AGAIN ♪

♪ HURRAH, HURRAH ♪

♪ WE'LL GIVE HIM A HEARTY
WELCOME AND HURRAH ♪

- WHILE I AM, OF COURSE, TOUCHED
BY THIS FRIENDLY WELCOME,

I SHOULD LIKE TO POINT
OUT, A... THAT I AM NOT DOBIE,

B... THAT I HAVE NOT COME
MARCHING HOME FROM ANYWHERE

AND, C... THAT MUCH AS I HATE
TO INTERRUPT THIS MUSICALE,

I WOULD LIKE TO ORDER
A FEW GROCERIES.

- I THOUGHT YOU SAID
DOBIE WAS COMING.

- BUT HE WAS. I SAW HIM.

SEE? HE STOPPED TO
TIE MAYNARD'S SHOELACE.

- ARTICHOKE HEARTS,
PATÉ DE FOIE GRAS,

LOBSTER TAILS.

I DON'T MEAN TO PRY, POMFRITT,

BUT HAVE YOU
INHERITED SOME MONEY?

- NO.
- WELL, YOU CAN'T AFFORD

THESE FANCY DELUXE GOURMET ITEMS

ON A HIGH SCHOOL
TEACHER'S SALARY,

AND YOU TEACHERS AIN'T
HAD A RAISE IN 10 YEARS.

I KNOW. I VOTED AGAINST
EVERY ONE OF THEM.

- YOU CERTAINLY DID,
GOOD CITIZEN GILLIS.

HOWEVER, THE FACT IS THAT
I AM NO LONGER TEACHING

IN HIGH SCHOOL.

I AM NOW TEACHING IN COLLEGE.

- OH, RAH-RAH-RAH,

COONSKIN COATS,
STUFF LIKE THAT, HUH?

WHERE? PRINCETON? HARVARD?

UNIVERSITY OF
PENNSYLVANIA OR ONE OF THEM

OTHER FANCY JOINTS UP IN BOSTON?

- NOT QUITE THAT
FANCY, MR. GILLIS.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

IT'S THE S. PETER
PRYOR JUNIOR COLLEGE

RIGHT HERE IN TOWN.

- OH, ISN'T THAT LOVELY?
- YOU HEARD OF THIS PLACE?

- WHY, YES. IT'S A
WONDERFUL INSTITUTION.

THE TUITION IS FREE,
AND ANYBODY CAN GET IN,

JUST SO HE'S A HIGH
SCHOOL GRADUATE.

- YOU CALL THIS A COLLEGE?

- NO, MR. GILLIS, A
JUNIOR COLLEGE.

IT'S A TWO-YEAR COURSE
INSTEAD OF A FOUR-YEAR COURSE.

BUT THEY HAVE AN
EXCELLENT CURRICULUM

AND A FINE FACULTY, ALL OF WHOM,

AND I TAKE PLEASURE
IN INCLUDING MYSELF,

GET PAID A LIVING WAGE.

- I'M SURE THE HIGH SCHOOL IS
GOING TO MISS YOU, MR. POMFRITT.

- OH, I'VE ENJOYED MY YEARS
AT THE HIGH SCHOOL, MIND YOU.

THERE MAY HAVE BEEN ONE
OR TWO MINOR DISADVANTAGES,

SUCH AS LONG HOURS
AND SHORT MONEY,

AND OCCASIONAL STUDENTS
WHO TURN YOUR HAIR GRAY.

- I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN,

LIKE DOBIE'S KOOKY
FRIEND, MAYNARD, HUH?

- YES, AND I ALSO MEAN

LIKE MAYNARD'S
KOOKY FRIEND, DOBIE.

- DOBIE'S A MARVELOUS BOY.

- OH, HE'S A PEACH,

PROVIDED YOU DON'T HAVE TO
TEACH HIM PHYSICS, CHEMISTRY,

OR ENGLISH LITERATURE.

- HE'S COMING, HE'S
COMING, THIS TIME FOR SURE.

- OH, DEAR, HERBERT, QUICKLY.

MR. POMFRITT, YOU DON'T
HAPPEN TO BE A SOPRANO, DO YOU?

- MADAM, I AM A BASS BARITONE.

- OH, WELL, IN THAT CASE,
THAT WILL HAVE TO DO.

COME ON, EVERYBODY,
NOW. [BLOWS PITCH PIPE]

- ♪ WHEN DOBIE COMES
MARCHING HOME AGAIN ♪

♪ HURRAH, HURRAH ♪

♪ WE'LL GIVE A HEARTY WELCOME ♪
- OH, MOM, DAD.

- ♪ AND HURRAH, HURRAH ♪

- ZELDA!
- ♪ THE MEN WILL CHEER ♪

♪ AND THE BOYS WILL SHOUT ♪

♪ THE LADIES THEY
WILL ALL TURN OUT ♪

♪ AND WE'LL ALL FEEL GAY WHEN
DOBIE COMES MARCHING HOME ♪

- THANK YOU.
- ♪ THE OLD CHURCH BELL ♪

♪ WILL PEAL WITH JOY ♪
- THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

- ♪ HURRAH... ♪
- THANK... THANK YOU, ONE AND ALL.

I'M DEEPLY TOUCHED.

- ME TOO. AT MY HOUSE

THEY NEVER SING
WHEN THEY SEE ME.

WHAT THEY USUALLY DO IS CRY.

- WHY, MAYNARD, DEAR, I'M
SURE THEY LOVE YOU VERY MUCH.

- IT'S POSSIBLE.

- WELL, ENOUGH OF THIS BLABBER.

DOBIE, NOW YOU'RE
OUT OF THE ARMY,

AND I'VE BEEN
WAITING FOR THIS DAY.

YOU ARE A VETERAN
AND A MATURE ADULT,

AND I SEE NO NEED TO
SHILLY-SHALLY ANY LONGER.

YOU AND I ARE GOING
TO GET MARRIED.

HERE'S MY VEIL.
HANG ON A MINUTE.

- LOOK, ZELDA.
- HERE'S YOUR BOUTONNIERE.

- YEAH.
- THE RING.

- ISN'T THAT BEAUTIFUL?
- BEAUTIFUL, ZELDA.

- APPLICATION FOR
A MARRIAGE LICENSE.

- LOOK, THERE'S SOMETHING...
- SIGN RIGHT HERE ON...

- ZELDA, DEAR, I'M SURE
THAT IN THE FULLNESS OF TIME

PERHAPS YOU AND DOBIE
WILL WANT TO GET MARRIED,

BUT IN THE MEANTIME, DEAR,
HE NEEDS TO BE REHABILITATED.

- I MEAN, HE NEEDS A
MOTHER'S TENDER LOVING CARE

TO SMOOTH OVER THE UGLY SCARS
THAT THE ARMY HAS LEFT UPON HIM.

WHY, LOOK AT HIM,
A HAWK, A SKELETON.

- MOM, I... I GAINED 14 POUNDS.

- YEAH. YOU OUGHT TO
SEE HIM IN THE SHOWER.

- NOW, MRS. GILLIS.
- NOW, ZELDA.

- NOW, BOTH OF YA!

YOU WANT TO MARRY HIM.
YOU WANT TO FATTEN HIM UP.

DON'T NOBODY AROUND
HERE CARE WHAT I WANT?

HERE, YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?

- LIKE, YEAH. THAT'S AN AND SON.

MAN, YOU DON'T SEE A
LOT OF THEM NO MORE.

- MAYNARD, THIS IS MY
DREAM, MY FONDEST HOPE,

THIS SIGN HANGING OUT
IN FRONT, GILLIS AND SON.

WHY, I HAD THIS SIGNED PAINTED
THE NIGHT DOBIE WAS BORN.

I WAITED ALL THESE YEARS
TO MAKE MY DREAM COME TRUE.

- GEE, I'M GETTING PRETTY MISTY.

- AND I'M GETTING PRETTY MIFFED.

DAD, YOU GOT A PLAN.

MOM, YOU GOT A PLAN.
ZELDA, YOU GOT A PLAN.

WOULDN'T ANYBODY CARE TO ASK ME?

- WHY, OF COURSE, DEAR,
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

- WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO IS...

WELL, I DON'T KNOW REALLY KNOW.

- IF A STRANGER MAY BE
FORGIVEN FOR INTERFERING

IN FAMILY AFFAIRS,

DOBIE, SURELY, YOU MUST
HAVE SOME SORT OF A PLAN

TUCKED AWAY IN THE
BACK OF THAT TINY CRANIUM.

- WELL, YEAH.

WHEN I GOT OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL,

I THOUGHT I HAD
ENOUGH EDUCATION.

I MEAN, I THOUGHT THERE WASN'T

A HECK OF A LOT
MORE FOR ME TO KNOW.

BUT THEN I WENT INTO THE ARMY
AND I LEARNED A FEW THINGS.

IT SEEMED THE MORE I LEARNED,
THE MORE I KNEW I DIDN'T KNOW.

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY, I'D
LIKE SOME MORE EDUCATION.

I'D LIKE TO GO ON TO COLLEGE,
BUT I'M NOT KIDDING MYSELF.

MY MARKS AREN'T GOOD
ENOUGH FOR COLLEGE,

AND EVEN IF THEY WERE,
WHERE WOULD I GET THE MONEY

FOR TUITION?

SO I GUESS I JUST BETTER
FORGET THE WHOLE THING.

I MEAN, THERE
AREN'T ANY COLLEGES

THAT TAKE GUYS WITHOUT
MARKS AND WITHOUT TUITION.

- WELL, I... I BETTER
BE MOVING ALONG.

A LOT OF THINGS TO DO TODAY.

IT'S BEEN NICE TO SEE
ALL OF YOU AGAIN. BYE.

- JUST A MINUTE, MR. POMFRITT.

- WHERE YOU GOING?
- YEAH.

- IT ISN'T FAIR. IT
JUST ISN'T FAIR.

NOW, I SERVED MY TIME WITH
THOSE GUYS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

I DID MY DUTY ABOVE AND BEYOND.

- WHAT IS THE NAME
OF THAT COLLEGE

YOU'RE TEACHING
AT, MR. POMFRITT?

- WHERE THE TUITION IS FREE?

- WHERE ANY HIGH SCHOOL
GRADUATE CAN GET IN?

- EVEN ME?
- EVEN YOU.

- THE S. PETER PRYOR
JUNIOR COLLEGE?

- WELL, POMPY?

- BUT, MAYNARD...
- YES, SIR?

- DOBIE?
- YES, SIR?

- WELCOME, FRESHMEN.

- BYE MOM, DAD.

- OH, YEAH.

- HEY, WAIT FOR ME.

- THINK OF IT, HERBERT.
OUR SON, A COLLEGE MAN.

- YEAH. YEAH.

RAH RAH RAH.

- FRESHMEN, I AM DEAN MAGRUDER.

LET ME WELCOME YOU TO S.
PETER PRYOR JUNIOR COLLEGE.

YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO HEAR
THAT I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE

A LONG SPEECH.

NOW, I WOULD LIKE TO
MAKE A LONG SPEECH

BECAUSE NOTHING DELIGHTS ME MORE
THAN THE SOUND OF MY OWN VOICE.

HOWEVER, THERE'S NO
TIME FOR A LONG SPEECH.

YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN
SO BUSY IN YOUR LIVES

AS YOU'RE GOING TO BE AT S.
PETER PRYOR JUNIOR COLLEGE.

NOW, IF ANYONE HERE THINKS

THAT COLLEGE IS NOTHING
BUT FUN AND GAMES,

HE'D BETTER LEAVE RIGHT NOW.

- WELL, LET'S CUT OUT.

- WAIT A MINUTE. PAY ATTENTION.

- YOU'VE ALL BEEN GIVEN COPIES

OF THIS FRESHMAN
ORIENTATION GUIDE.

NOW, THIS IS YOUR BIBLE,
YOUR MANUAL, YOUR RULE BOOK.

READ IT CAREFULLY AND
DO EVERYTHING IT SAYS.

DO IT QUICKLY, AND DO IT RIGHT.

REMEMBER, YOU'RE IN COLLEGE NOW.

THERE'S NO ONE TO TAKE YOU
BY THE HAND AND GUIDE YOU.

NO ONE TO WATCH OVER YOU.

IT'S A BIG JOB, I KNOW,
BUT IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT,

THEN YOU ARE SIMPLY
NOT COLLEGE MATERIAL.

YOU'RE ALL ADULTS, AND WHEN...

- MAYNARD, AREN'T YOU
LISTENING TO THE DEAN?

- SURE, GOOD BUDDY.

- WELL, AREN'T YOU WORRIED?

- ARE YOU?
- OF COURSE, I AM.

- WELL, IF YOU'RE
WORRYING, I DON'T HAVE TO.

- THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO TELL YOU.

NOW, OPEN YOUR FRESHMAN
ORIENTATION GUIDE.

YOUR INSTRUCTIONS
ARE ALL IN HERE.

START ON PAGE ONE AND
FOLLOW EACH INSTRUCTION

TILL THE END OF THE BOOK.

YOU'RE DISMISSED.

- NOW, THEN, MR. GILLIS, I'M
HERE TO HELP YOU SELECT

A PROGRAM OF STUDIES
FOR YOUR FRESHMAN YEAR.

DO YOU HAVE ANY
PARTICULAR SUBJECTS

THAT YOU'RE INTERESTED IN?

- WELL, I DON'T KNOW, SIR.
- THEY NEVER DO.

- BUT I KNOW THIS:
I WANNA LEARN.

NOW THAT I FINALLY
GOT TO COLLEGE,

I'M GONNA GIVE IT A COLLEGE
TRY. YOU CAN BET ON IT.

- I AM FORTUNATELY
NOT A BETTING MAN.

ALL RIGHT THEN, MR. GILLIS.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK
AT THE CURRICULUM.

WHAT WOULD YOU THINK OF
TAKING A PRE-LAW COURSE?

- LAW. LAW. YEAH, LAW.

I'M SURE I WOULDN'T
DO TOO BAD AT IT.

- YOUR CONFIDENCE IS TOUCHING.

- YEAH. LAW. IT'S KIND
OF A NATURAL FOR ME.

I MEAN, I'M FAST ON MY FEET,
AND I'VE GOT THE GIFT OF GAB,

AND I'M SO CLEAN-CUT
AND HONEST-LOOKING

THAT ANY JURY WOULD
HAVE TO BELIEVE ME.

YEAH. LAW. LAW.

AND MAKE A BIG REPUTATION
AS A TRIAL LAWYER,

AND OF COURSE A LOT OF MONEY.

BUT THAT ISN'T THE
IMPORTANT PART,

THE MONEY, I MEAN.

I'M A MODEST MAN
WITH MODEST NEEDS,

AND AS SOON AS I TOOK CARE
OF MY MODEST REQUIREMENTS,

I'D GIVE UP PRIVATE PRACTICE.

- AND BECOME A JUDGE?
- WHAT ELSE?

THERE I'D BE,
SITTING ON THE BENCH

IN MY BLACK ROBES.

UH-OH.

- WHAT'S THE MATTER, YOUR HONOR?

- MURDER CASES,
THE DEATH PENALTY.

I JUST COULDN'T
DO IT, MR. WURTS.

I MEAN, I'M A JUST MAN, AND
A BRILLIANT STUDENT OF LAW,

BUT I JUST COULDN'T BRING
MYSELF TO SEND A MAN TO THE CHAIR.

I'M SORRY, BUT
YOU SEE HOW IT IS.

- I SEE HOW IT IS.

- I GUESS I'M JUST
ALL HEART, SIR.

- YOU'RE ALL
SOMETHING, MR. GILLIS.

- HEART. HEART.

HEY, THAT GIVES ME AN
IDEA, A BRILLIANT IDEA.

A GREAT-HEARTED GUY LIKE
ME OUGHT TO TAKE UP MEDICINE.

SURE, THAT'S WHAT I
OUGHT TO, SAVING LIVES,

HEALING THE SICK,
THE LAME, THE HALT,

PERFORMING FABULOUS OPERATIONS.

UH-OH.

- YES, DOCTOR?
- OPERATIONS.

I CAN'T STAND THE
SIGHT OF BLOOD.

- WELL, OF COURSE
NOT. YOU'RE ALL HEART.

- THANK YOU.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.

- HEY, I GOT AN IDEA. WITH
MY BIG TALENT IN SCIENCE...

- WHAT BIG TALENT?

- THE BIG TALENT I SHOWED

WHEN I BECAME THE GREAT SURGEON.

- OH, THAT BIG TALENT.

- THAT BIG TALENT, YES.
- WELL, GO ON.

WITH YOUR BIG TALENT
IN SCIENCE, YOU...

- UH-HUH. WELL, WHY
DON'T I GO INTO PHYSICS?

I MEAN, THIS IS THE AGE
OF SPACE EXPLORATION.

WHO KNOWS? MAYBE
I COULD BE THE ONE

WHO BUILDS THE FIRST
SPACESHIP TO MARS.

- MR. GILLIS, ABOUT
YOUR PROGRAM,

SO FAR, WE'VE ELIMINATED
LAW, MEDICINE AND PHYSICS.

NOW, NATURALLY, YOU
CAN'T MAJOR IN EDUCATION

BECAUSE TEACHERS HAVE
TO KEEP KIDS AFTER SCHOOL,

AND YOU COULD NEVER
DO A THING LIKE THAT...

- NO. NO. NEVER.
- BEING ALL HEART.

- MM-HMM. YEAH.

- THEN THERE'S ECONOMICS.
- WELL...

- BUT IF YOU STUDY ECONOMICS
AND BECOME A BANKER,

YOU'D HAVE TO REFUSE
LOANS TO PEOPLE WHO COME IN

WITHOUT ANY COLLATERAL.
- COLLATERAL.

- WHICH, OF COURSE,
YOU COULDN'T DO.

- NO, NEVER.

- THEN THERE'S DENTISTRY,

WHICH WE NEEDN'T EVEN GO INTO.

- SO IT'S HOPELESS, HUH?
- NOT AT ALL.

I'VE HANDLED CASES LIKE YOURS
BEFORE, THOUSANDS OF THEM.

IF I MAY SAY SO MYSELF, I'VE
DEVELOPED QUITE A TECHNIQUE

FOR DEALING WITH
PEOPLE LIKE YOU.

- OH, WHAT'S THAT?

- IT'S A KIND OF EENY,
MEENY, MINEY, MOE.

YOU PUT THIS BLINDFOLD
OVER YOUR EYES, MR. GILLIS...

- UH-HUH. YEAH.

- AND THEN YOU THROW
THESE DARTS AT THE BOARD

BEHIND MY DESK.

- OH, GOOD THINKING.

- AMERICAN INGENUITY.
ALL RIGHT? GO.

- [WOMAN SCREAMS]

- WELL? WHAT AM I TAKING?

- CONGRATULATIONS, MR. GILLIS.

YOU'RE TAKING RUSSIAN
LITERATURE, WELDING,

AND FINGERPRINT IDENTIFICATION.

AND IF I WERE YOU,

I'D LEAVE THE BUILDING
BY THE BACK DOOR.

- DOBE?

DOBE! DOBE! DOBE! HOW
COME WE'RE RUNNING?

- BECAUSE WE GOTTA MEET OUR
BIG BROTHERS, AND WE'RE LATE.

- WHAT BIG BROTHERS? WE
AIN'T GOT NO BIG BROTHERS.

WE'RE AN ONLY CHILD.

- MAYNARD, IT'S AN
OLD COLLEGE CUSTOM.

WHEN YOU'RE NEW ON CAMPUS,
THEY GIVE YOU A BIG BROTHER

TO SHOW YOU THE ROPES.

UNDERSTAND?
- NO.

- WELL, NEVER MIND.
I'LL EXPLAIN LATER.

- HI, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
- MAYNARD G. KREBS.

- HERE IT IS, KREBS.
I'M TYLER CRUIKSHANK.

- HOWDY DO.
- I'M YOUR BIG BROTHER.

- OH, YOU'RE JOSHING.

- NO, NO, NO. IT
SAYS SO RIGHT HERE.

KREBS, MAYNARD G., SEE?

- YUP, IT'S RIGHT THERE.

- ALL RIGHT, LITTLE BROTHER,
LET ME SHOW YOU AROUND.

- DOBE, DOBE, YOU
WERE LIKE, RIGHT.

I DO HAVE A BIG BROTHER.

AND ALL MY LIFE, I
WANTED MY OWN REALLY

AND TRULY BIG BROTHER,
AND NOW I GOT ONE.

OH, SHOULDN'T WE, LIKE,
DO SOMETHING FIRST,

I MEAN, US BEING
BROTHERS AND ALL?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- WELL, I KNOW

IT'S PROBABLY, LIKE,
OLD-FASHIONED AND OUT OF STYLE,

BUT LIKE I ALWAYS SAY,
BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER.

- WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT?

WHAT ARE YOU,
SOME KIND OF A NUT?

- NO. I'M JUST A
NORMAL AMERICAN BOY.

BUT YOU DON'T RUN INTO
YOUR BIG BROTHER EVERY DAY.

I MEAN, I DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW I HAD A BIG BROTHER.

OF COURSE, I DON'T GO
OUT OF MY ROOM MUCH.

WHAT PART OF THE HOUSE
DO YOU LIVE IN, BIG BROTHER?

- KREBS, I THINK YOU'VE
GOT IT A LITTLE MIXED UP.

- YEAH. I USUALLY DO.

OH, BOY, AM I GLAD I
GOT A BIG BROTHER.

THERE'S GONNA BE
SCREAMS AT NIGHT

SITTING AROUND
WATCHING TELEVISION

AND PLAYING THE BONGOS.

AND YOU CAN BORROW MY
CLOTHES ANYTIME YOU WANT TO.

- KREBS...
- I MEAN, WHAT ARE BROTHERS FOR?

I MEAN, WHAT'S MINE IS YOURS.

HERE, YOU WANT TO
BORROW MY PETRIFIED FROG?

- KREBS, WOULD YOU LISTEN?
- SURE, BIG BROTHER.

HEY, I WONDER HOW THEY KEPT
IT FROM ME ALL THESE YEARS.

- KREBS...

- MAYBE THEY DON'T
KNOW ABOUT IT.

YEAH. I BET THAT'S IT.

BIG BROTHER, DO MY
MOTHER AND FATHER KNOW

YOU'RE MY BIG BROTHER?

- NO, OF COURSE NOT.
- WELL, COME ON.

LET'S GO HOME AND TELL THEM.
THEY GOT LIKE A RIGHT TO KNOW.

- KREBS, YOU DON'T UNDERST...

- A GROWN-UP BIG BROTHER.

OOH, WHAT AN AGE WE LIVE IN.
- KREBS...

- COME ON, WE'LL GO ON HOME
AND GET SOME OF MOM'S APPLE PIE

AND YOU CAN PLAY
WITH MY TRAIN. COME ON.

- KREBS, KREBS...

- OH, HI, MR. POMFRITT.

- LIKE, HI, MR. POMFRITT, SIR.

- WOW, WHAT A BREAK
FINDING A FAMILIAR FACE.

- YEAH.
- YEAH.

- YEAH. THIS IS MY LUCKY DAY.

WELL, FRESHMEN,
HOW ARE THINGS GOING?

AND I WITHDRAW THE QUESTION.

- WELL, IT'S PRETTY
CONFUSING, MR. POMFRITT,

ALL THESE BUILDINGS
AND STRANGE PLACES

AND NEW THINGS TO DO.

- YEAH, I LOST MY WAY
SIX TIMES ALREADY TODAY.

- YOU LOST YOUR WAY?
I LOST MY BIG BROTHER.

I TIED HIM TO A TREE SO
I COULD TAKE HIM HOME

AFTER SCHOOL.

AND NOW I CAN'T FIND HIM.

- MAYNARD, I MUST
CONFESS THAT I WONDERED

HOW DOBIE WOULD MAKE
OUT ON HIGHER EDUCATION.

BUT AS FAR AS YOU'RE CONCERNED,
I NEVER HAD THE SLIGHTEST DOUBT.

- LIKE, THANKS.

- LIKE, YOU'RE WELCOME.

- AND ALL THEM PROGRAMS
WE HAD TO MAKE OUT.

MAN, I NEVER KNEW THERE
WERE SO MANY SUBJECTS

IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

- BY THE WAY, WHAT
ARE ALL OF YOU TAKING?

- RUSSIAN LITERATURE, WELDING
AND FINGERPRINT IDENTIFICATION.

- I'M TAKING SWAHILI,
WILDLIFE MANAGEMENT

AND OPTICAL LENS GRINDING.

- I'M TAKING MARRIAGE
PROBLEMS ONE, TWO AND THREE.

- ZELDA, WE'RE IN COLLEGE NOW.

- WELL, MY LUCK HASN'T
ENTIRELY DESERTED ME.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- I MEAN, MY YOUNG
BARBARIANS, THAT FORTUNATELY,

I AM NOT TEACHING
ANY OF THE COURSES

THAT YOU ARE TAKING.

- OH? WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING?

- ENGLISH, BIOLOGY AND FENCING.

- ENGLISH.
- BIOLOGY.

- FENCING?
- OH, NO.

- WE COULD TRANSFER.

- SURE. WE COULD
CHANGE OUR PROGRAMS

SO WE COULD TAKE
MR. POMFRITT'S CLASSES.

- JUST LIKE THE GOOD OLD DAYS.

- HEY, MR. POMFRITT, YOU
DIDN'T EAT YOUR LUNCH.

- I SHALL NEVER EAT AGAIN.

- ATTENTION. ATTENTION,
ALL FRESHMEN.

YOU WILL PROCEED AT ONCE
TO ROOM 319, VINCENT HALL.

THE DOORS CLOSE IN FIVE MINUTES.

- KIDS, I THINK WE MIGHT
HAVE MADE A MISTAKE.

I THINK POSSIBLY WE'RE
NOT COLLEGE TYPES.

- I WASN'T EVEN A
HIGH SCHOOL TYPE.

- DOBIE, I DON'T LIKE THIS
KIND OF DEFEATIST ATTITUDE.

WE CAN'T QUIT SO SOON.
IT'S ONLY THE FIRST DAY.

WE GOTTA HANG
IN THERE AND FIGHT.

REMEMBER THAT GOOD
OLD MOTTO, NEVER SAY DIE.

- AND YOU REMEMBER THIS MOTTO:

NEVER BITE OFF MORE
THAN YOU CAN CHEW.

- AND THIS ONE:
TIPPECANOE AND TYLER TOO.

I WAS JUST HOLDING UP MY
END OF THE CONVERSATION.

- ZELDA, LET'S BE REALISTIC.
COLLEGE IS OKAY FOR YOU.

I MEAN, YOU GOT A GIANT BRAIN.
BUT FOR ORDINARY GUYS LIKE ME...

- AND ME.
- IT'S JUST TOO MUCH.

- COURAGE, POOPSIE, COURAGE.

- IT'S NOT A QUESTION
OF COURAGE.

IT'S A QUESTION OF COMMON SENSE.

- AND SORE FEET.

I BET WE WALKED A
MILLION MILES TODAY.

- YEAH. LOOK, FIRST HOUR DO
THIS, SECOND HOUR DO THAT,

THIRD HOUR THIS,
FOURTH HOUR THAT,

FIFTH HOUR THIS,
SIXTH HOUR THAT,

SEVENTH, EIGHTH, NINTH,
TENTH IT'S JUST TOO MUCH.

- HEY, GOOD BUDDY,
THERE'S A PAGE LEFT.

MAYBE YOU FORGOT SOMETHING.

- AH, WHAT'S THE
DIFFERENCE? I'VE HAD IT.

THIS ENDS THE SHORT BUT HAPPY
COLLEGE CAREER OF DOBIE GILLIS.

- AND MAYNARD G. KREBS.

- BUT DOBIE, YOU WANTED
TO GO TO COLLEGE.

- I ALSO WANTED TO BE A
BAREBACK RIDER IN A CIRCUS

WHEN I WAS 10 YEARS
OLD. LET'S FACE IT, ZELDA,

THERE ARE JUST CERTAIN
THINGS A GUY CAN'T DO.

- DOBIE...
- SAVE IT, ZELDA.

WHAT'S THE
DIFFERENCE IF I QUIT NOW

OR FLUNK OUT LATER?

WHY PROLONG THE AGONY?

SO LONG, ZELDA.

- GOODBYE, SMALL GIRL.

- DOBIE, MAYNARD, COME
BACK. COME BACK IMMEDIATELY.

- LOOK ZELDA, I DON'T KNOW

WHAT'S ON THAT TWISTY
LITTLE MIND OF YOURS,

BUT I TOLD YOU...

- I KNOW WHAT YOU
TOLD ME. NOW, READ THIS.

- THE FRESHMAN GUIDE? I READ IT.

- NOT THE LAST PAGE.
NOW READ IT, OUT LOUD.

- "WELL, FRESHMAN, YOU'VE HAD
A LONG, HARD, CONFUSING DAY.

"YOU MUST FEEL AS THOUGH

"YOU'VE BEEN PUT
THROUGH A WRINGER.

WELL, YOU HAVE."

"BUT DON'T LET IT GET YOU DOWN.

"TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER,

"AND THE DAY AFTER
THAT WILL BE EVEN BETTER.

"IN FACT, BELIEVE IT OR NOT,

"YOU'RE GOING TO GET TO LOVE
S. PETER PRYOR JUNIOR COLLEGE.

"YOU'LL COME TO UNDERSTAND
WHY PEOPLE GET SENTIMENTAL

"WHEN THEY TALK
ABOUT ALMA MATER.

"ALMA MATER IS LATIN
FOR ADOPTED MOTHER.

"AND THAT'S PRECISELY
WHAT COLLEGE IS,

"A PLACE WHERE YOU'RE MOTHERED,
SHELTERED AND PROTECTED,

"TAUGHT THE SKILLS AND WISDOM
THAT YOU'RE GOING TO NEED

"TO COPE WITH THE
HARD WORLD OUTSIDE.

"IN YEARS TO COME,
WHEREVER YOU ARE,

"WHATEVER YOU MAY BE DOING,

"YOU'LL ALWAYS FEEL A
GLOW AND A RUSH OF WARMTH

"WHEN YOU THINK
OF S. PETER PRYOR.

"AND NO MATTER HOW
SOPHISTICATED YOU GET

"OR HOW CYNICAL
YOU THINK YOU ARE,

"WHEN YOU HEAR THE
ALMA MATER HYMN,

"THERE'LL ALWAYS BE A
LITTLE LUMP IN YOUR THROAT

AND PERHAPS A TEAR IN YOUR EYE."

"THE HYMN'S PRINTED
BELOW, WORDS AND MUSIC.

"WE WOULD LIKE TO
SUGGEST, IF WE MAY,

"THAT THE FITTING WAY TO
END THIS LONG, GRUELING DAY

"IS TO SING THE HYMN.

SING IT LOUD AND
CLEAR. SING IT PROUDLY."

- WELL, DOBIE?

- WELL, ZELDA?

- WELL, WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?

♪ PRYOR, OH PRYOR,
OUR COLLEGE SO DEAR ♪

♪ STAY IN OUR MEMORY ♪

♪ WANDER WE MIGHT BUT
YOU'LL ALWAYS BE NEAR ♪

♪ STAY IN OUR MEMORY ♪

♪ CLING TO US, BRING TO
US THOUGHTS EVER GREEN ♪

♪ LIVE WITH US, GIVE
TO US RAPTURE SERENE ♪

♪ PRYOR OUR HOME,
PRYOR OUR HOME ♪

♪ STAY IN OUR MEMORY ♪

- OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING.

- YEAH, ESPECIALLY FOR
PUTTING OUT RUBBISH.

- DOWN SO SOON, DEAR?

I BET YOU DIDN'T EVEN
TOUCH YOUR BREAKFAST.

- NO TIME, MOM.
GOTTA GET TO SCHOOL.

- YOU SEEM IN AN AWFUL RUSH
TO GET OVER TO THAT COLLEGE.

- OH, I AM, DAD. I DON'T
WANNA MISS A MINUTE.

- HONEY, YOU SURE YOU WOKE
THE RIGHT BOY THIS MORNING?

THIS IS OUR SON DOBIE
RUNNING OFF TO SCHOOL

LIKE A RACEHORSE?

- YOU MUST BE VERY
FOND OF COLLEGE, DEAR.

- OH, IT'S GREAT,
ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL.

- COME ON, DOBIE.
OH, LIKE, BYE, MRS. G.

- SO LONG, FOLKS.

- ISN'T IT WONDERFUL

THE WAY DOBIE LOVES COLLEGE?

- YEAH. THAT'S THE
WORD FOR IT, WONDERFUL.

- AND I JUST KNOW
THAT HE'LL MAKE GOOD

AND GO ON AND ON AND
GET LOTS OF DEGREES

AND BE A BIG SUCCESS.

- YEAH. WELL...

WON'T BE NEEDING THAT ANYMORE.