The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 2, Episode 9 - Drag Strip Dobie - full transcript

[RACE CAR APPROACHES]

- YEP, THAT WAS ME ALL RIGHT,
DOBIE GILLIS, BOY SPEED DEMON.

I'LL BET YOU'RE ASKING YOURSELF,

HOW DID I, OFTEN KNOWN
AS EMPTY POCKETS GILLIS

WIND UP WITH A RACY
HOT ROD LIKE THAT?

WELL, THIS IS GOING TO FLIP YOU.

IT ALL STARTED WITH A BICYCLE.

- MAYNARD, YOUR BRAKES,
PUT ON YOUR BRAKES.

BRAKES!
- WHAT BRAKES?

- MAYNARD.

- GEE, ARE YOU FELLOWS HURT?



- OH, IT'S NOTHING

THAT TENDER CARE AND
LOVING HANDS WON'T CURE.

- YOU MUST HAVE BEEN
DOING 30 MILES AN HOUR.

- FORGIVE US, MY CO-PILOT
HAD THE HEAVY PEDAL FOOT.

- I THINK SPEED IS ABSOLUTELY

THE MOST EXCITING
THING IN THE WORLD.

- HOW DARE WE ZIP
ALONG LIKE THAT.

- AND I JUST ADORE PEOPLE
WHO ARE CRAZY ABOUT SPEED.

- I KNOW WE
SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN...

30 MILES AN HOUR, MY
DEAR, IT WAS AT LEAST 50.

- REALLY?
- MAYBE 60.

- FABULOUS!
- I'M DOBIE GILLIS,

SOMETIMES KNOWN AS SPEEDY.

- I'M CHARLOTTE LAMARR.



- ALWAYS KNOWN AS LOVELY.

- YOU'RE SWEET.
- YEAH.

- SKIPPER, CALL THE
FLIGHT SURGEON,

HE'LL HAVE TO START OPERATING.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M DOING?
- OPERATING.

- INSUBORDINATION.

WE'VE JUST MET, MY TIGER,

BUT ALREADY WE
HAVE MUCH IN COMMON.

- OH?
- THIS LOVE OF SWIFTNESS,

THIS PASSION FOR RUSHING
ONWARD EVER FASTER,

FASTER, FASTER.

- OH, DOBIE, ALL MY LIFE

I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR A BOY
THAT FEELS THAT WAY ABOUT SPEED.

- YOUR SEARCH IS OVER.
AT LAST HE HAS APPEARED.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

- HI-HO, RACING FANS,

IT IS I, CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.

THE FASTEST, WEALTHIEST
MAN ON WHEELS.

♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

[SCATTING] ♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

- OKAY, SO SHE LIKES SPEED

THEN SPEED'S WHAT
SHE'S GONNA GET.

I'LL DIG UP A RACING RIG

THAT'LL MAKE CHATSWORTH
OSBORNE, JR.'S LITTLE PUTT-PUTT

LOOK LIKE THE LEFTOVERS
FROM A TRAIN WRECK.

- YOU RANG?

- MAYNARD, MAYNARD,
I'VE BEEN THINKING.

- YEAH, I TRIED IT
ONCE, I FEEL ASLEEP.

- MAYNARD, I THOUGHT OF A PLAN

TO GET CHARLOTTE
AWAY FROM CHATSWORTH.

- MAN, YOU GOT TO BE JOSHING.

SHE'S, LIKE, BOLTED TO THE
FRONT SEAT OF HIS HOT ROD.

SHE ONLY GETS OUT
FOR MEALS AND EXERCISE.

- EXACTLY MY PLAN.

IF A HOT ROD'S SO
IMPORTANT TO HER

THEN I'M GOING TO GET A HOT ROD.

- OKAY, WHO WE GOING
TO STEAL IT FROM?

- STEAL IT?

- NO OFFENSE, GOOD BUDDY, BUT
I HAPPEN TO KNOW YOUR FATHER

AND IT'S A CINCH YOU
AIN'T GONNA BUY IT.

- MAYNARD, WE'RE GOING TO
JOIN THE DOWNSHIFTERS CLUB

WHERE CHATSWORTH AND ALL
THOSE HOT ROD DRIVERS BELONG.

- I'M, LIKE, SCARED TO JOIN
A CLUB AND VICE VERSA.

- AND THEN WE'RE
GONNA BUILD A CAR

LIKE IN THAT MOVIE
WE SAW LAST WEEK.

- "GREASE MONKEY ON MY BACK?"
- THAT'S THE ONE.

- MAN, WHAT A GASSER.

[MAKES ENGINE SOUNDS]

- MAYNARD.

MAYNARD!

- OH THOSE FELLAS ENTERED
THE 500 MILE INDIANAPOLIS RACE

WITH A CAR MADE OUT
OF AN ORANGE CRATE

AND AN OLD WASHING
MACHINE ENGINE.

- YEAH, YEAH.

[ENGINE SOUNDS]

- OH, AND THEN TWO
LAPS FROM THE END

THEY RUN OUT OF GAS.

[ENGINE SOUNDS]

BUT DOES THAT
STOP THEM? NO, SIR.

NOBODY WILL HELP THEM.

SO THEY FILL UP A TANK
WITH RUBBING ALCOHOL.

[ENGINE SOUNDS]

- MAYNARD, MAYNARD.

- THEY LOSE THE RACE

BUT THEY END UP
WITH THE JOLLIEST CAR

IN THE WHOLE STATE
OF INDIANAPOLIS.

[ENGINE SOUNDS]

- MAYNARD?

I THINK YOU'VE GOT IT MIXED UP
WITH A COUPLE OF OTHER PICTURES.

WOULD YOU EXCUSE US, PLEASE?

- PLEASE, PLEASE, YES.

MAYNARD, WHAT I'M
DRIVING AT IS THOSE FELLOWS

USED AMERICAN KNOW-HOW.

THEY PUT THAT CAR
TOGETHER WITH NOTHING

BUT OLD ODDS AND ENDS.

WHY CAN'T WE DO THAT?

- SURE WHY NOT?
- YOU BET, WHY NOT?

ALL IT TAKES IS
BRAINS AND INGENUITY

AND MECHANICAL SAVVY

AND I JUST ANSWERED
MY OWN QUESTION.

- CHEER UP, GOOD BUDDY,
YOU ALWAYS GOT ME.

- I'M VERY GRATEFUL, MAYNARD,
BUT LOOK, WHAT WE NEED IS HELP

FROM SOMEBODY WHOSE
GOT THE BRAINS AND INGENUITY

AND MECHANICAL
SAVVY WE'RE SHORT ON.

- WHERE WE GOING TO
FIND SUCH A FELLOW?

- DOES THAT ANSWER
YOUR QUESTION?

- ZELDA? SHE'S NOT
EXACTLY A FELLOW.

- NO, BUT SHE'S APE FOR
HOT RODS. WATCH THIS.

HELLO, ZELDA, HOW GOOD
TO SEE YOU, HOW VERY GOOD.

- HI, BUNNY.

- NOW... ZELDA, HAVE
YOU GOT A MINUTE?

- A MINUTE? OF COURSE OR A
WHOLE LIFETIME, SNOOKUMS.

- ZELDA, MAYNARD AND I
WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT YOU.

- DOBIE, YOU GOT ANOTHER
WARNING SLIP IN PENMANSHIP?

- YEAH, BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

- I DO GOOD IN PENMANSHIP.

THEY CAN'T READ MY
WRITING SO THEY DON'T KNOW

I'M THE ONE THEY WANT TO FLUNK.

- ZELDA, IF YOU COULD
HAVE ANYTHING IN THE WORLD

WHAT WOULD YOU WANT THE MOST?

- I'VE TOLD YOU 1,000
TIMES, DOBIE, IT'S YOU.

YOU, YOU, YOU.

WHICH MY FATHER
SAYS IS AN EXAMPLE

OF MY LIMITED HORIZONS.

- THANK YOU, ZELDA,
BUT I MEAN, NEXT TO THAT.

- YOU MEAN - THAT'S RIGHT!

A HOT ROD!
- NO!

- WE WANT YOU TO
WORK ON WITH US.

- NO, DON'T EVEN MENTION
THEM. IT HURTS TOO MUCH.

- OH, IT'S WHAT YOU
WERE BORN FOR,

ZELDA, YOU'RE A
MECHANICAL GENIUS.

IF YOU'D LIVED 5,000 YEARS AGO
YOU'D HAVE INVENTED THE WHEEL.

- DOBIE, YOU ARE MEAN
AND CRUEL AND ROTTEN

TO EVEN MENTION THEM.

YOU KNOW HOW I
FLIP OVER HOT RODS.

MY FATHER WILL KILL ME

IF HE EVER FINDS ME
NEAR A GREASE PIT AGAIN.

- WHAT IS HE, SOME KIND
OF A NUT OR SOMETHING?

- HE WON'T EVEN LET ME
JOIN THE DOWNSHIFTERS CLUB

AND YOU KNOW THEY OFFERED
ME AN HONORARY LIFE MEMBERSHIP

IN APPRECIATION OF MY INVENTION
OF A NEW FUEL INDUCTION SYSTEM.

- WELL, WE'RE JOINING THE CLUB,
ZELDA, YOU CAN WORK WITH US.

- IT'S OUT OF THE QUESTION.

- VERY WELL. WHAT
MUST BE, MUST BE.

BUT IT SEEMS A PITY.

WE COULD HAVE SUCH GOOD
TIMES WORKING TOGETHER,

SHOULDER TO SHOULDER,
HUBCAP TO HUBCAP.

PERHAPS EVEN SHARING
THE SAME LUBRICATION RACK.

- WHEN DO I START?
- ZELDA, YOU'RE 100%.

- YOU'RE, LIKE, A
REAL HUMAN BEING.

- YEAH.
- TELL ME JUST ONE THING.

- ANYTHING, MY PET.
- WHO'S THE GIRL?

- GIRL? WHAT GIRL?

DO YOU KNOW ANY GIRLS, MAYNARD?

- NONE THAT'LL TALK TO ME.
- YOU KNOW WHO I MEAN, DOBIE,

THE GIRL WHO'S
MAKING YOU DO THIS.

YESTERDAY YOU WOULDN'T
HAVE KNOWN A HOT ROD

IF IT CAME UP AND
SAT IN YOUR LAP.

NOW YOU'RE ALL OF A
SUDDEN CRAZY TO HAVE ONE.

I TELL YOU, DOBIE, THERE'S
A GIRL IN THIS SOMEPLACE.

- OH, ZELDA, YOU'VE
DISCOVERED MY SECRET.

IT'S YOU, YOU'RE THE GIRL.

- OH, COME OFF IT, DOBIE.
- YEAH, COME OFF IT, DOBIE.

- MAYNARD, YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE.

OH, ZELDA, I'LL ADMIT I'VE BEEN
FICKLE AND FLIGHTY ON OCCASION

BUT DON'T I ALWAYS
COME BACK TO YOU?

- AND THAT'S THE WAY
IT BETTER BE, LOVERBOY.

THE ONLY OTHER PRETTY HEAD

I EXPECT TO FIND
IN THIS OPERATION

WILL BE ON A HOT EIGHT
CYLINDER ENGINE, GET IT?

- GOT IT.
- GOOD.

- ALL RIGHT, STEP NUMBER ONE,

GETTING ZELDA TO AGREE
WAS OUT OF THE WAY.

NEXT, STEP NUMBER TWO,
GETTING MY FATHER TO AGREE.

NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT,
GETTING MY FATHER TO AGREE

IS REALLY STEPS NUMBER
TWO THROUGH AROUND 30 OR 40.

- OF COURSE, I
AGREE. I AGREE 100%.

- YOU DO?
- CERTAINLY I AGREE.

I AGREE THAT OF ALL
THE LAMEBRAIN NOTIONS

YOU EVER TRIED TO CLIP ME
WITH THIS ONE ABOUT JOINING UP

WITH SOME TRIBE OF SCREWBALL,
HOT ROD, UNBOLTED NUTS

IS WAY OUT IN FRONT
AS THE LAME BRAINIEST.

- NOW, HERBERT.
- OH, DON'T NOW HERBERT ME.

IF I HAD ALL THE MONEY
NOW HERBERT HAS COST ME

IN THE PAST 17 YEARS,
I COULD BE RETIRED

AND LAYING ON THE
BEACH AT ACAPULCO

WITH A MARIMBA BAND PLAYING
FOR MY SUNBURNING PLEASURE.

- DAD, YOU'RE GETTING UPSET.
- HOW DO YOU KNOW? WHO SQUEALED?

- WHO'S THE RAT?

- I DON'T ALTOGETHER AGREE
WITH YOUR FATHER'S REASONING,

BUT HE IS RIGHT.

I DON'T WANT MY BABY MIXED UP

WITH THESE DRUG
STRIPS AND HOT ROUTES.

- MOM, THAT'S DRAG
STRIPS AND HOT RODS.

- I DON'T CARE WHAT
THEY'RE CALLED.

I'M AGAINST THEM.
THEY'RE DANGEROUS.

- I SAW ONE OF THOSE
HOT RODS THE OTHER DAY

AND IT WAS SO STRIPPED DOWN

IT LOOKED LIKE A FOUR-SEATED
CARBURETOR WITH TAIL LIGHTS.

- WELL AT LEAST COME OVER TO THE
DOWNSHIFTERS AND LOOK AROUND.

- WE COULD CERTAINLY DO
THAT, COULDN'T WE, HERBERT?

GET YOUR FATHER'S COAT, DEAR.

- HOW ABOUT THE KIND OF PEOPLE
HE'S GOING TO MEET OVER THERE.

OH, I CAN SEE IT ALL
NOW. IT'S DOBIE'S WEDDING.

THERE HE IS IN AN OIL
SPATTERED LEATHER JACKET

WHILE THE BRIDE
COMES DOWN THE AISLE

IN LACE TRIMMED COVERALLS

AND THEY ZOOM OUT OF THE CHURCH
UNDER AN ARCHWAY OF GREASE GUNS

AND JUMP INTO THEIR HOT ROD
WHILE THE LAUGHING BRIDESMAIDS

SHOWER THEM WITH
OLD SPARK PLUGS.

- DAD, YOU'LL FEEL DIFFERENT
IF YOU EVER SAW THE CLUB.

- PUT THIS ON, DEAR, WE'RE
GOING OVER THERE NOW.

- YEAH.

- WHERE DO YOU INTEND
TO SPEND YOUR HONEYMOON,

ON THE STRAIGHT AWAY
OF BONNEVILLE SALT FLATS?

- WE HAVE TO SHUT UP THE
STORE ANYWAY. COME ON, HERBERT.

- IF HE'S SO BUGGED
ABOUT FIXING CARS

WHY DOESN'T HE DO
SOMETHING ABOUT MY TRUCK?

IT'S UNTOUCHED BY
HUMAN HANDS SINCE 1941.

- HERBERT GILLIS, YOU
HAVEN'T HEARD A WORD I'VE SAID.

- YES, I HAVE. WE'RE GOING
OVER TO THAT HOT ROD CLAMBAKE.

WE'RE GOING OVER TO
THAT HOT ROD CLAMBAKE?

- OH, NO WE ARE NOT. YOU
WON'T CATCH ME IN THAT JOINT.

- NOW HERBERT.
- WHAT DID YOU SAY?

- I SAID, NOW HERBERT.

- THAT'S WHAT I WAS
AFRAID YOU SAID.

EVENTUALLY YOU'VE GOT TO NOW
HERBERT ME INTO GOING OVER THERE

AND I'M NOT STUPID
ENOUGH TO FIGHT IT.

COME ON.

[ENGINES REVVING]

- WELL, THAT'S IT.

- MY YOUR PICKUP
TRUCK IS FINE, HERBERT?

- WE GIVE THE KIDS
A PLACE TO WORK,

A REASONABLE
AMOUNT OF SUPERVISION,

AND A SENSIBLE GOAL AND
THE REST IS UP TO THEM.

- I'M IMPRESSED, MR. SULLIVAN,
AREN'T YOU, HERBERT?

- WELL, LET'S FACE
FACTS, MR. GILLIS.

A BOY WITH A MECHANICAL KNACK

IS GOING TO FOOL AROUND
WITH CARS ANYWAY.

HE MIGHT AS WELL DO IT SAFELY.

- WHAT MECHANICAL KNACK?

THIS KID TRIED TO
FIX AN APPLIANCE

IN THE KITCHEN LAST WEEK.

- SO?

- HAVE YOU EVER
HAD A REFRIGERATOR

FULL OF BARBECUED ICE CUBES?

- WELL, HE'LL IMPROVE.

YOU'D BE SURPRISED WHAT A BOY
CAN LEARN WHEN HE'S INTERESTED.

- AND I'M PLENTY INTERESTED.

- NOW, ALL OUR CLUB MEMBERS

TAKE THE DOWNSHIFTERS
SAME DRIVING OATH

AND THEY REMAIN IN GOOD STANDING

UNTIL THEY GET THEIR
FIRST TRAFFIC SUMMONS

OR A DEMERIT

ON RACE OR SHOW DAYS
AND THEN THEY'RE OUT.

- WELL...

- AND OUR CLUB MEMBERS ARE
SERIOUS AND HARDWORKING.

THERE'S NO ODDBALLS OR CLOWNS.

- I'LL WAIT IN THE CAR.

- QUIT SHOWING OFF.

- MR. GILLIS, A LOT OF
WHAT THE KIDS LEARN HERE

COULD BE USEFUL ELSEWHERE
AND THEY LEARN FAST

BECAUSE THEY'RE IN
HEALTHY COMPETITION.

NOW LOOK AT THEM.

THEY'RE GETTING THEIR CARS READY

FOR OUR BIG ORIGINAL
DESIGN CONTEST.

- THE MEMBER WHO COMES UP

WITH THE BEST NEW
DESIGN FOR A CAR

WINS THAT BIG TROPHY, DAD.

- MAN, WITH THAT
HUNK OF HARDWARE

I COULD OPEN MY OWN HOCK SHOP.

- MY SOME OF THESE
CARS ARE ADORABLE.

- WHERE THERE'S THE
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE SPECIAL,

LAST YEAR'S WINNER.

- ALSO THE YEAR BEFORE THAT,
AND THE YEAR BEFORE THAT

AND THE YEAR BEFORE THAT.

I WOULD RETIRE THE CAR

BUT MY TROPHY
SHOP IS SO CROWDED.

- SON, YOU THINK YOU CAN
BEAT THAT CHATSWORTH OS...

- OSBORNE, JR.

AND I'VE GOT A SCHEME
THAT'S GUARANTEED TO WIN.

- YEAH, IT'S CALLED
ZELDA GILROY.

- OKAY, THEN YOU'VE
GOT MY PERMISSION

AND DON'T LET NOTHING STOP YOU.

- THE ENTRANCE FEE IS $25.

- YOU HAVE JUST BEEN STOPPED.

NO, NO, I'M NOT EVEN
GONNA LET THAT STOP YOU.

HERE.

SON, THERE'S JUST ONE THING,

IF YOU DON'T BEAT HIM...

- YEAH, DAD, IF I
DON'T BEAT HIM?

- YOU WOULDN'T DARE.

- YOU'RE GONNA LIKE
THIS. IT'LL KNOCK 'EM DEAD.

- YEAH, HERE'S MINE.
- YEAH, LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

- BEAUTIFUL, MAYNARD BUT
THEY'RE NO LONGER BUILDING CARS

WITH FOUR SETS OF FINS.

- YEAH, ESPECIALLY
WITH TWO OF THEM

THROUGH THE MIDDLE
OF THE DRIVER'S SEAT.

- I WAS SEARCHING FOR A NEW LOOK

BUT MY FINS ARE, LIKE, FLEXIBLE.

- YEAH, GO AHEAD, ZELDA.

- WELL, FIRST OF
ALL WE NEED A MILL.

- A MILL?
- A POWER PLANT, AN ENGINE.

- OH, THEY COST MONEY.

- WHY DON'T WE BUILD IT
ON TOP OF A HILL AND PUSH.

- WE CAN GET A WILD
V8 ENGINE FOR NOTHING.

- OH, WHERE, WHERE, WHERE?
- YEAH, WE'LL GET IT.

- IT'S AT THE BOTTOM
OF BASS LAKE.

- THANKS A LOT.
- I CAN'T SWIM.

- IT BELONGED TO MY COUSIN.
- WATER GIVES ME GOOSEBUMPS.

- HE PARKED IT ON A PIER AND
THE EMERGENCY BRAKE SLIPPED.

- I CAN'T EVEN WADE.
- DON'T WORRY, I'LL GET IT.

YOU FELLOW ARE GOING AFTER
THE FRAME AND THE WHEELS.

NOW, LOOK HERE'S A
LIST OF JUNK YARDS.

- HEY, I KNOW THESE PLACES.

I GET, LIKE, A
DECORATOR'S DISCOUNT.

- WELL, LET'S GET GOING.

WE GOT TO GET TO WORK.
- WORK?

- MAYNARD!
- MAYNARD!

- IF I DIDN'T LEARN ANYTHING

I LEARNED ONE THING
FROM THIS EXPERIENCE,

A CAR IS MORE THAN JUST A
RAG, A BONE AND A HANK OF HAIR.

I MEAN, TO MAKE THE
DOGGONE THINGS WORK

YOU'VE GOT TO START
FROM THE BOTTOM

AND BUILD, BUILD, BUILD,

BOY DO YOU HAVE TO BUILD.

- JUST THE CAR, PLEASE.

- JUST THE CAR, PLEASE, MAYNARD?

- MAN, I WISH WE HAD AN ENGINE.

- YEAH.
- DOBE, I'M POOPED.

- SO AM I, MAYNARD,
BUT IT'S WORTH IT.

GOOD, HARD, SOLID, HONEST WORK.

- WORK?
- MAYNARD, CUT THAT OUT.

- HELLO, DOBIE.
- HI, CHARLOTTE.

- I HEAR YOU'RE BUILDING
A CAR. HOW FASCINATING.

- YEAH.
- SO DOBIE-DOO,

YOU ARE THE NEWEST MEMBER
OF THE DOWNSHIFTER'S CLUB.

- THAT'S RIGHT, CHATSWORTH,

AND I'M GONNA WIN THAT
ORIGINAL DESIGN TROPHY.

I'M GONNA BEAT YOU OR ANYBODY
ELSE THAT STANDS IN MY WAY.

- WELL, HOW
GLORIOUSLY DEMOCRATIC.

THAT'S THE SPIRIT THAT MADE
THIS COUNTRY WHAT IT IS TODAY,

THE HOPE FOR GREATNESS,
NO MATTER HOW LOWLY

THE CIRCUMSTANCES
OF BIRTH AND BREEDING.

- CHATSWORTH, IF WE KNEW
WHAT THAT MEANT, WE'D BE MAD.

- MAY THE BETTER
MAN WIN, GILLIS BABY,

AND AFTER I DO I SHALL
BE BECOMINGLY MODEST

OR AS WE PUT IT, OSBORNE-ISH.

SHALL WE WAY TO LUNCH
AT THE CLUB, DEAR CHILD.

- GEEZ, THAT
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.

ONE OF THESE DAYS
HE'S GONNA GET HIS.

- HIS WHAT?

- I DON'T KNOW BUT
WHEN I FIGURE IT OUT,

HE'S SURE GONNA GET IT.
- GONNA GET IT, YEAH.

- WELL, TEAM IT WAS
A TOUGH STRUGGLE

BUT I GOT OUR ENGINE
IN 14 FEET OF WATER.

- THAT'S OUR ENGINE?

- OH, IT'LL LOOK BETTER
WHEN WE UNPACK IT

FROM THAT CRAZY
LOOKING EXCELSIOR.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S SEAWEED.
- NO KIDDING?

- YEAH.

- SHE'S RIGHT, GOOD BUDDY.

EXCELSIOR'S, LIKE, SALTIER.

- ZELDA, DO YOU THINK IT'LL RUN?

- WELL, IF I DIDN'T CATCH
THE BENDS DIVING FOR IT,

WE'LL SOON FIND OUT.

- ZELDA, YOU'RE A
WHIZ, IT'S MARVELOUS.

- IT'S, LIKE, BEAUTIFUL.

- SMASHING.
- YEAH.

- WILL IT RUN?
- KILLJOY.

- DON'T LET HIM RUFFLE
YOU, POOPSIE, SEE IT'LL RUN.

- YOU SURE?

- YOU HAVE MY WORD AS A LADY

AND AS A BRILLIANT,
ATTRACTIVE, MECHANICAL GENIUS.

- I CONFESS, IT'S APPEARANCE

IS PASSABLY CHIC, GILLIS BABY.

BUT A CAR WITHOUT A
PERFECTLY WORKING ENGINE

IS RATHER LIKE A HUMAN
BEING WITHOUT A BRAIN.

NO OFFENSE, MAYNARD.

- GO SWALLOW A STOCK
OR BOMB, CHATSWORTH.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S BOND
BUT YOU GOT THE RIGHT IDEA.

LET'S START HER UP, ZELDA.
- OKAY.

- CONTACT, EVERYBODY STAND
BACK, LIKE, CLEAR THE DECK,

WE'RE TAKING OF, ONWARD.

- CALM DOWN.

WE'RE JUST GONNA
START THE MOTOR.

- THAT'S WHAT MY UNCLE
MALCOLM SAID THE FIRST TIME

HE STARTED HIS NEW
CAR THEN HIM AND THE CAR

END UP SIX BLOCKS
DOWN THE STREET

IN A CANTALOUPE BIN
IN THE SUPERMARKET.

- NOW THAT COULDN'T
POSSIBLY HAPPEN HERE.

EVERYTHING'S UNDER MY
PERSONAL SUPERVISION.

- YEAH.
- DOBIE?

PREPARE TO BLASTOFF.
- AYE, AYE, SIR.

[ENGINE TRIES TO START]

- KEEP AT IT, MY POOR WAIF.

I WELL REMEMBER MY
OWN EARLY STRUGGLES

WHEN I WAS JUST A RAW KID

FROM THE RIGHT
SIDE OF THE TRACKS.

[ENGINE STARTS]

[CHEERING]

- THIS MEANS WAR.
CANCEL ALL LEAVES.

MY STAFF SHALL WORK
THROUGH THE NIGHT.

TO THE READY ROOM.

- YOU SEE, TOGETHER WE
CAN CONQUER THE WORLD.

- YES, ZELDA, YES,

MY ATTRACTIVE,
MECHANICAL GENIUS.

I WAS A HEAL.

YOU'RE WONDERING HOW
I COULD BE SO DISHONEST

TO A WONDERFUL GIRL LIKE ZELDA.

- DOBIE, IF YOU WIN THAT AWARD

I'M GONNA KISS YOU AND HUG
YOU AND JUST NEVER STOP.

- DOES THAT ANSWER
YOUR QUESTION?

- IT WAS TOO LATE TO BE
BOTHERED BY MY CONSCIOUS.

THE TIME FOR ACTION WAS HERE.

- YOUR ATTENTION,
PLEASE. YOUR ATTENTION.

WE HAVE COMPLETED
THE PRELIMINARY JUDGING

AND THE TIME TRIALS

AND THE FINALISTS IN THE
ORIGINAL DESIGN CONTEST

FOR THE DOWNSHIFTERS TROPHY

ARE THE CARS DESIGNED

BY MR. CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.

- HERE, HERE.

- AND MR. DOBIE GILLIS.

- I PUT IN THE WINDSHIELD.
- AND TEAM.

NOW THE JUDGES WILL NOW
GIVE THESE TWO ENTRIES

THEIR FINAL INSPECTION.

NOW AT MY SIGNAL,
WILL THE DRIVERS

PLEASE START THEIR ENGINES
SO WE MAY SEE THEM IN ACTION?

MR. OSBORNE, WE WILL
CHECK YOUR ENTRY FIRST.

- GENTLEMEN, MAY I
CALL YOUR ATTENTION

TO THE MAN-MADE, PLATINUM
PLATED CYLINDER HEADS.

CHROME PLATING IS BECOMING
SO PASSÉ, DON'T YOU AGREE?

- I'M WORRIED, MAYNARD.

CHATSWORTH'S CAR
IS A REAL BEAUTY.

- JUST RELAX, DOBIE.

- HEY, LET'S SNEAK OVER
THERE AND HACK IT UP

WITH AN ICE PICK
A LITTLE. HIM, TOO.

- MAYNARD, IF WE WIN IT'S
NOT GOING TO BE BY CHEATING.

- WHY NOT?

- THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE
AROUND AND WE'D GET CAUGHT.

- GOOD THINKING.
- YEAH.

- DOBIE?
- AH, CHARLOTTE.

YOUR LOVELINESS MAKES THE BEAUTY
OF MY CAR PALE INTO NOTHINGNESS.

- DOBIE, I'M SO SURE
YOU'RE GOING TO WIN.

- YOU HAVE INSPIRED ME
TO THESE HEIGHTS MY SWEET.

- DOBE.

- AFTER MY VICTORY WHAT SAY
WE GO OVER TO THE MALT SHOP

AND DRINK EXOTIC
SODAS OUT OF MY TROPHY?

- FABULOUS.
- DOBE?

- MAYNARD, PLEASE.

ALL THE INGENUITY AND BRAINPOWER

THAT WENT INTO THIS
MAGNIFICENT PIECE OF MACHINERY

WAS FOR YOU, MY LOVE.

KEEP THAT THOUGHT.

- SEE YOU LATER, MY CHAMPION.
- YES, YES.

- FAREWELL, MY INSPIRATION.

AH, SHE'S EXQUISITE.

- YEAH, AND SHE'S MAD.
- WHAT?

ZELDA, ZELDA!

LOOK, ZELDA. ZELDA, LOOK.

- NOW, CUT THAT OUT!

- ZELDA.
- HOLD THIS.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING, ZELDA?

ZELDA, YOU CAN'T.

- DOBIE, I CAN.

[CLANKS]

- GOOD BUDDY, SHE DID.
- HE'S RIGHT.

IT WAS LIGHTER UNDER
14 FEET OF WATER.

- HEY, DOBE, I GOT AN IDEA.
- WHAT, WHAT?

- LET'S CUT OUT,
LIKE, INSTANTLY.

- BAD THINKING.

- I GOT, LIKE, ANOTHER IDEA.
- WHAT?

- HERE.
- MAYNARD.

- OH, YEAH, YEAH. GOOD.
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

- NOW, WHAT IF THEY ASK
US TO START THE MOTOR?

- AH-HA! THEN...
- WHAT?

- YOU'RE, LIKE, DEAD.

- MAYNARD.

- WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL.

- A VERY FINE PIECE
OF WORK, MR. OSBORNE.

- NATURALLY. NOW MAY I HAVE
THE WINNER'S TROPHY NOW

OR MUST WE GO THROUGH
THE HOLLOW MOCKERY

OF INSPECTING
GILLIS'S LITTLE BAUBLE?

- WELL, IT IS CUSTOMARY.

- I WILL HOLLOW MOCKERY YOU!
- HERBERT.

- MR. GILLIS, WILL YOU
START YOUR ENGINE, PLEASE?

- MR. SULLIVAN, WOULD
YOU REPEAT THAT QUESTION?

- I ASKED IF YOU WOULD
PLEASE START THE MOTOR.

- OH, YEAH, YEAH, IS
THERE ANY CHANCE

WE COULD CALL THIS
GAME ON ACCOUNT OF RAIN?

- DON'T BE SCARED, BOY, YOU
COME FROM A LONG LINE OF WINNERS.

LOOK AT ME?

- STEP BEHIND THAT WHEEL
AND START YOUR ENGINE.

- YES, SIR. YES, SIR, YES, SIR.

SAY, WOULD YOU BELIEVE
ME IF I SAID I GET CAR SICK?

- THE ENGINE.

- YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE
ME, NO, I DIDN'T THINK SO, NO.

[IMITATED ENGINE REVS]

- EXCELLENT. NOW REV
IT UP A LITTLE MORE.

[IMITATES ENGINE REVS]

- HOW VERY ODD.

THERE DOESN'T SEEM
TO BE ANY EXHAUST.

- OH, MICE AND RATS.

- REMARKABLE, IT HAS
ABSOLUTELY NO VIBRATION.

ALL RIGHT, MR. GILLIS, YOU
MAY TURN THE MOTOR OFF NOW.

- YES, SIR.

[IMITATES ENGINE REVS]

- TURN IT OFF, OFF!

- YES, SIR, I'M TRYING TO.

TURN IT OFF!

- NOW, JUDGES.

YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE.

THE JUDGES, AFTER CAREFUL
STUDY OF THE TWO FINAL ENTRIES,

HAVE DECIDED
THAT THE WINNER IS...

MR. DOBIE GILLIS.

- YAY! THAT'S MY BOY!
- YEAH!

[APPLAUSE]

- FRIENDS, I'M DEEPLY
HONORED BY THIS GREAT TRIBUTE.

AT SUCH A TIME I CAN
ONLY SAY THANKS.

I OWE MY SUCCESS
TO CAREFUL PLANNING,

TO YANKEE INGENUITY AND
ABOVE ALL TO THE COURAGE,

LOYALTY AND
DETERMINATION OF MY ENGINE.

[APPLAUSE]

WELL, I WON THE TROPHY.

I WON CHARLOTTE, TOO.

EVERY DAY I TOOK HER
OUT RIDING IN MY CAR

AND BROTHER, IT WAS THE END.

WHERE'D I GET A
MOTOR FOR THE CAR?

ZELDA GAVE IT BACK TO ME.

SHE'S ALL HEART, THAT ZELDA,

SWEET, NOBEL, DECENT,
SELF-SACRIFICING.

ME, ON THE OTHER HAND,

WELL, I'M KIND
OF, WELL, SORT OF,

LET ME PUT IT TO YOU
THIS WAY, I'M A RAT.

- WELL, WHERE SHALL WE
SPEED TODAY, MY SIFT DOVE?

- I DON'T WANT TO HURT
YOU FEELINGS, DOBIE,

BUT I'M GETTING KIND
OF BORED WITH THIS ROD.

IT'S NOT FAST ENOUGH.

- WELL, IT CAN OUTRACE ANY
CAR IN THE DOWNSHIFTER'S CLUB.

- BUT IT DOESN'T
COMPARE WITH A BOAT.

SKIMMING LIKE THE
WIND ACROSS THE WATER

IS MY IDEA OF HEAVEN, WOO.

- MAYBE SO BUT WHO CAN
AFFORD ANYTHING LIKE THAT?

- ANCHORS AWAY, SHIPMATES.

- BEAT IT, CHATSWORTH,
CHARLOTTE AND I WANNA BE ALONE.

- OH, HUSH UP, LOW BORN PERSON.

CHARLOTTE, BABY,

THIS LITTLE TRINKET
IDLES AT 200 MILES AN HOUR.

- OH, CHATSWORTH.

- CHARLOTTE, I WORKED MAYNARD

HALF TO DEATH ON
THAT CAR JUST FOR YOU.

- I'M JUST AWFUL, I KNOW.

HOW THRILLING,
200 MILES AN HOUR.

- WE WERE RUNNING
AGAINST THE WIND.

THE RACE IS TO THE
SWIFT, EARTHBOUND ONE.

VEDAGLIO.

FULL STEAM AHEAD.

- HI, DOBIE, WHERE'S CHARLOTTE?
- NEVER MIND.

- SHE DUMPED YOU, HUH?
- SHE DID NOT.

IT WAS, SORT OF...

- SHE DUMPED YOU.
- SHE DUMPED ME.

- DON'T FIGHT IT, POOPSIE,
IT'LL ALWAYS BE YOU AND ME.

AND YOU WON'T REGRET
IT BECAUSE I AM BRILLIANT

ALSO BEAUTIFUL AND DESIRABLE.

- SKIMMING LIKE THE
WIND ACROSS THE WATER

IS MY IDEA OF HEAVEN, OOH-LA-LA.

- THAT'S TRUE, ZELDA,
YOU ARE BRILLIANT.

- AND BEAUTIFUL.
- AND BEAUTIFUL AND DESIRABLE.

YEAH, TELL ME, ZELDA,

DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT SPEED BOATS?

- SPEED BOATS? YOU KNOW IT'S
FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK, SNOOKUMS.

IT'S MY NEXT FIELD TO CONQUER.

- NO.
- YEAH.

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪

♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪