The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 2, Episode 7 - Maynard G. Krebs, Boy Millionaire - full transcript

Maynard finds a purse containing $512 and eagerly awaits the day six months later when he can claim the money, but two con men see in Maynard an easy mark to make them some easy money.

- NOW BE SURE TO MEET
US AT THE MALT SHOP, DOBIE.

- DON'T FORGET, DOBIE.

- FEAR NOT, MY FAIR ONES.

I SHALL BE THERE.

- PROMISE?
- FOR SURE?

- NOTHING COULD KEEP ME
AWAY. NOT THE DENSEST JUNGLE,

THE MUDDIEST SWAMP,
THE WILDEST BEAST.

- YOU RANG?

- Both: OH, IT'S ONLY
YOU, MAYNARD.

- BYE, DOBIE.
- WE'LL BE WAITING FOR YOU.

- BYE, GIRLS. BYE-BYE.



- "IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.
IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD."

- MAYNARD, PLEASE!

NO OFFENSE, MAYNARD,
BUT AS YOUR FRIEND,

I OUGHT TO TELL YOU
WHY EVERYBODY SAYS

IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.

IT'S BECAUSE YOU ACT LIKE
IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.

THAT'S WHY. LOOK AT YOU.
DO YOU STAND UP LIKE A MAN?

NO, YOU SAG LIKE A WET NOODLE.

ARE YOUR EYES AIMED UP
SEARCHING FOR SUCCESS?

NO, THEY'RE AIMED DOWN
LOOKING FOR FAILURE.

- DOBE...
- UP, MAYNARD, NOT DOWN.

- DOBE.
- LOOK AT THE STARS.

- DOBE!
- WHAT IS IT, MAYNARD?

- IF I KEEP LOOKING UP,



I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO
SEE THAT PURSE LAYING THERE.

- MAYNARD, I'M
TRYING TO HELP YOU.

PURSE JUST LYING WHERE?

- THERE. RIGHT THERE.

- OPEN IT. OPEN IT, MAYNARD.

- OOH, MAN! LIKE MONEY!

- IT IS MONEY!

TONS AND TONS OF IT!

- HERE, MAYNARD,
IT'S YOURS. COUNT IT.

- IT'S MY MONEY?

HERE'S A ONE DOLLAR BILL,
HERE'S A TWO DOLLAR BILL,

HERE'S A THREE DOLLAR BILL,
HERE'S A FOUR DOLLAR BILL...

- FOUR DOLLARS? MAYNARD...
- HERE'S A FIVE DOLLAR BILL,

- MAYNARD, MAYNARD,

I THINK I'D BETTER COUNT IT.

♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

[SCATTING] ♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

- MY FRIEND, MAYNARD G. KREBS,

MAY NOT BE ANOTHER
ABRAHAM LINCOLN

OR WARREN G. HARDING
OR JAMES K. POLK.

BUT IF THERE'S ONE
THING HE IS, IT'S HONEST.

I MEAN, THERE WAS
$512 IN THAT PURSE

AND HONEST MAYNARD'S
IMMEDIATE INSTINCT

WAS TO DO THE HONORABLE THING
AND TURN IT OVER TO THE POLICE.

- LIKE OVER MY DEAD BODY!

- WHAT ELSE CAN YOU
DO WITH IT, MAYNARD?

- SWALLOW IT!
- MAYNARD!

- DOBE, I, LIKE, WORKED A
LONG TIME TO EARN THAT MONEY!

- MAYNARD, YOU
DIDN'T WORK FOR IT.

- OH, NO? HOW OLD
AM I, GOOD BUDDY?

- 18.

- AND I JUST TODAY
FOUND THE MONEY, TRUE?

- TRUE.
- SO 18 YEARS OF SEARCHING

TO FIND A MEASLY $512 IS
ONLY LIKE A NICKEL A DAY.

AND THAT'S THE HARDEST
WORK I EVER HEARD OF.

SO I GOT A RIGHT TO KEEP IT.

- RIGHT.
- RIGHT.

- OH, WHO WE KIDDING, DADDY?

THIS MONEY WAS LOST
BY SOME HUMAN PERSON,

MAYBE BY EVEN SOMEBODY LIKE ME.

- YEAH, AN UNLIKELY
PROSPECT, BUT POSSIBLE.

- I GOTTA TURN IT OVER TO
THE POLICE SO THEY CAN, LIKE,

GIVE IT BACK TO THE POOR,
BROKEN-DOWN CAT THAT LOST IT.

- MAYNARD, YOU'RE AN HONEST MAN.

- WELL, LEAVE US JUST SAY
I'M LIKE A GREAT AMERICAN.

- MAYNARD, WHY ARE YOU
JUST STANDING THERE?

- TO GIVE YOU THE TIME

TO TALK ME OUT OF
THIS FOOLISHNESS.

- MAYNARD, I'M SHOCKED!

- YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT, DOBE.

I GOTTA TURN IT IN.

- ON THE OTHER HAND...
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH?

- WHAT IF THE PERSON
WHO LOST THIS MONEY

ISN'T POOR AND BROKEN-DOWN?

- YEAH, WHAT IF HE'S, LIKE,
CRAZY RICH OR SOMETHING?

- HE MUST BE RICH.

WHO ELSE COULD RUN
AROUND LOSING $512?

- ONLY, LIKE, SOME
WEALTHY MILLIONAIRE

OR LIKE THAT, RIGHT?
- RIGHT!

- RIGHT!
- YEAH, NOT RIGHT.

NO, WE CAN'T KEEP THE MONEY

JUST BECAUSE IT BELONGS
TO SOMEBODY WHO'S LOADED.

THEY'RE CITIZENS TOO.

- TRUE. I GUESS I BETTER
GET DOWN TO THAT STATION.

- ON THE OTHER HAND...
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH?

- INSURANCE.
- INSURANCE?

- SURE, THEY TELL THE
INSURANCE COMPANY

THEY LOST $512 AND THEY
GET ALL THE MONEY BACK.

- WHAT'S TO STOP THEM
FROM TELLING THE COMPANY

THEY LOST, LIKE, 1,000 OR 2,000?
- OR 5,000?

- DOBE, IF WE TURN THIS MONEY IN

WE'RE KEEPING THEM
FROM RAKING IN A FORTUNE!

- RIGHT!
- NOT ONLY THAT,

BUT IF YOU GIVE THE MONEY BACK,

IT'LL MOVE THE OWNERS UP TO A
WHOPPING INCOME TAX BRACKET

AND THEY'LL HAVE TO PAY THE
GOVERNMENT THROUGH THE NOSE!

- MAN, WE'RE DOING HIM
A FAVOR BY KEEPING IT!

- RIGHT!
- RIGHT!

- YEAH, THERE'S ONLY
ONE THING WRONG.

- LIKE WHAT?

- LIKE WE GOTTA TURN OVER
THE MONEY TO THE POLICE.

- RIGHT.
- RIGHT.

THAT'S MY FRIEND,
MAYNARD G. KREBS,

SQUARE-SHOOTING AMERICAN.

HE WENT RIGHT TO POLICE STATION,

SLAPPED THE MONEY ON THE
DESK IN FRONT OF THE SERGEANT,

LOOKED HIM STRAIGHT
IN THE EYE AND SAID...

- AIN'T THIS WHERE I GET A
LICENSE FOR MY BICYCLE?

- HEY, PLEASE!

EITHER COME TO THE POINT
OR GET OUTTA HERE, HUH?

- GOOD THINKING. LIKE, BYE!

- MAYNARD.

MAYNARD, YOU KNOW YOU'VE
GOTTA GIVE THE MONEY BACK.

- YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT, DOBE. I
GOTTA LIKE GO THROUGH WITH IT.

- YEAH.
- SERGEANT, I...

- FOUND...
- FOUND THIS...

- PURSE...
- PURSE IN THE...

- PARK, AND I WANT
YOU TO FIND THE OWNER.

- SQUEALER.
- FINALLY, HE SAID.

- YOU'RE A GOOD BOY, MAYNARD.

WE'LL TRY TO LOCATE THE OWNER.

- MAYNARD! MAYNARD!

MAYNARD, YOU KNOW YOU'VE
GOT TO GIVE THE MONEY BACK!

- I KNOW, BUT MY HAND DOESN'T!

- MAN, THAT'S WHAT'S
WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY.

- WHAT?

- TOO MUCH HONESTY.

- HERE, MAYNARD,
SIGN THIS CLAIM.

- OH, NO. THE LAST TIME
I SIGNED SOMETHING,

I ENDED UP WITH A 18-YEAR
SUBSCRIPTION TO A MAGAZINE

ALL ABOUT HOW TO
RAISE CHINCHILLAS

FOR FUN AND PROFIT.

- SIGN IT, MAYNARD. IT
GIVES YOU THE MONEY

IF THE OWNER DOESN'T SHOW
UP INSIDE OF SIX MONTHS.

- HEY, YOU MEAN I
MIGHT GET IT AFTER ALL?

- IT'S POSSIBLE.
- OOH, I'LL SIGN, I'LL SIGN!

HEY, I ALREADY SIGNED.

- YEAH.
- I MUST HAVE BEEN HERE BEFORE!

OOH, DOBE, I GET
EVERYTHING, OOH!

- MAYNARD?
- MAYNARD!

I DON'T WANNA BE A WET BLANKET,

BUT IF SOMEBODY COMES IN
HERE IN THE NEXT SIX MONTHS

AND CLAIMS THAT PURSE,
YOU WON'T GET ANYTHING.

- YOU THINK SOMEBODY MIGHT?
- IT'S POSSIBLE.

- NAH, WHO'D WANT AN
OLD PURSE LIKE THAT?

- YEAH, AND ALL THAT OLD MONEY?

- SURE, DOBE.
NOBODY WILL CLAIM IT.

- NO, NO.
- LET'S GO.

- HEY, THAT'S A
PRETTY SPOOKY KID.

- YEAH.

COME ON, LET'S GET
BACK TO THE CARD GAME.

- OKAY, WHOSE PLAY IS IT?

- YOUR PLAY.

AH! HA HA HA!

YOU PICKED THE OLD MAID AGAIN!

[LAUGHS]

- THE NEXT SIX
MONTHS WERE ENOUGH

TO MAKE A BLOCK
OF GRANITE FIDGETY.

I MEAN, IF THE OWNER OF
THAT PURSE DIDN'T SHOW UP,

MAYNARD WOULD BE UP
TO HIS ELBOWS IN LOOT.

THERE WAS PLENTY
AT STAKE, ALL RIGHT.

AND YOU'VE GOTTA
GIVE MAYNARD CREDIT.

HE TOOK IT EASY AND
DIDN'T GET IMPATIENT.

- COULD I HAVE MY
MONEY NOW, PLEASE?

- MAYNARD, I TOLD YOU.
YOU'VE GOTTA WAIT SIX MONTHS!

- I BEEN WAITING.
- HOW LONG, MAYNARD?

- TWO DAYS. AIN'T
THAT CLOSE ENOUGH?

- OUT!
- OUT?

- OUT!

- Both: OUT!

- Both again: OUT!

- LIKE, HI, DOBE.
LIKE, BYE, DOBE.

- MAYNARD? MAYNARD?

ARE YOU GOING TO THE
POLICE STATION AGAIN?

- THAT'S RIGHT, GOOD BUDDY.

- MAYNARD, CAN'T YOU COUNT?

- I COUNTED, LIKE, REAL GOOD.

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE...

- SIX DAYS, MAYNARD.
IT'S ONLY SIX DAYS!

I SAID SIX MONTHS!

- DETAILS, DETAILS.

- MAYNARD?
- OUT?

- GOOD THINKING.

- SOME STORM, HEY, DUGAN?

- YEAH, I JUST GOT ANOTHER
FLOODED STREET REPORT.

- ANYBODY WOULD
BUDGE OUT OF HIS HOUSE

ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS MUST
BE AT LEAST HALF MACKEREL.

- YOU RANG?

- IT WAS A TOUGH,
DAMP SIX MONTHS.

EVERY DAY, MAYNARD
WENT TO THE POLICE STATION

TO SEE IF THE OWNER OF
THE MONEY HAD SHOWED UP

AND EVERY DAY,
THEY THREW HIM OUT.

ON SATURDAYS, SUNDAYS,

AND NATIONAL HOLIDAYS,
MAYNARD WENT THERE TWICE.

AND ON SATURDAYS, SUNDAYS
AND NATIONAL HOLIDAYS,

THEY THREW HIM OUT TWICE.

THE SERGEANT APPLIED
FOR A TRANSFER 11 TIMES.

BUT IN ALL THOSE MONTHS,

NOBODY CAME IN
TO CLAIM THE MONEY.

AND AT LAST,

MAYNARD'S FINE, SHINY
MOMENT OF VICTORY HAD ARRIVED.

ALMOST.

- NOW, SERGEANT? NOW?

- NO, MAYNARD, NOT NOW.

- BUT IT'S LIKE SIX MONTHS.

YES MAYNARD, IT'S
LIKE SIX MONTHS

BUT IT'S NOT EXACTLY SIX MONTHS.

YOU'VE GOT 24 HOURS MORE.

AT 5:00 TOMORROW AFTERNOON,

YOU CAN COME IN HERE
AND CLAIM YOUR MONEY.

AND, MAYNARD, I HAVE
NEVER LOOKED FORWARD

TO ANYTHING SO MUCH IN MY LIFE,

AND THAT SPECIFICALLY
INCLUDES MY PENSION!

- THAT'S ONLY ONE
MORE DAY, SARGE.

WHY CAN'T I HAVE IT NOW?

- THE LAW IS THE LAW, MAYNARD.

- AFTER ALL, MAYNARD,

THE REAL OWNER MAY
SHOW UP BY 5:00 TOMORROW.

- THAT'S A TERRIBLE
THING TO SAY!

CAN I HAVE THE MONEY NOW, HUH,
SERGEANT? THE MONEY, PLEASE?

THE MONEY, SERGEANT?
- MAYNARD! MAYNARD!

CALM DOWN, HUH?
- MY MONEY?

PLEASE, LIKE, SERGEANT,
LIKE, MY MONEY LIKE...

- CALM DOWN! YOUR HOT
BREATH IS MELTING MY BADGE!

- MAYNARD, WILL YOU
PLEASE PICK IT UP TOMORROW?

- TOMORROW? MY MONEY TOMORROW?

- MAYNARD, YOU'VE
WAITED SIX MONTHS!

YOU CAN WAIT ONE MORE DAY.

- YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I CAN BE FIGURING OUT
WHAT TO DO WITH IT, YEAH.

- OFFICER DUGAN,

ARE THE PRISONERS
READY TO BE RELEASED?

- BOY, ARE WE READY!
- AND HOW WE'RE READY!

COME ON, WILLY, LET'S GO!

- PRISONER ALFRED W. MONTCALM?
- HERE, YOUR HONOR.

- PRISONER WILLY FRAMMIS?
- LIKEWISE, I'M SURE.

- YOU TWO HAVE SERVED
EIGHT MONTHS IN JAIL

FOR PETTY LARCENY, FRAUD,
BUNCO, VAGRANCY AND LOITERING.

- LOITERING?!

- YOUR DEBT TO
SOCIETY IS NOW PAID

AND YOU ARE HEREBY RELEASED.

- BLESS YOU, SIR.

- AND IF YOU AIN'T OUT OF
TOWN INSIDE OF 24 HOURS,

I'M GONNA RUN YOU IN AGAIN!

- 24 HOURS? ARE YOU KIDDING?

WHERE WE GONNA GET ENOUGH
MONEY IN 24 HOURS TO GET OUTTA TOWN?

- DON'T WORRY, LITTLE FRIEND.

SOMEWHERE WE WILL FIND
THE ANSWER TO OUR PROBLEM.

- MY PROBLEM IS,

WHAT'S THE BEST WAY
TO SPEND ALL THIS LOOT?

- I SURE WISH I HAD
PROBLEMS LIKE THAT.

- WELL, IT REALLY IS A
PROBLEM, YOU KNOW.

I BEEN THINKING ABOUT
IT A LOT. AND FOR A WHILE,

I WAS A LITTLE SCARED.
- OF WHAT?

- WELL, WHEN A GUY
BECOMES A MILLIONAIRE...

- LIKE $512.
- LIKE, YEAH.

WELL, WHEN A GUY
BECOMES A MILLIONAIRE,

THERE'S ALWAYS A DANGER
IT'LL GO TO HIS HEAD.

I MEAN, MONEY COULD,
LIKE, CHANGE A GUY,

YOU KNOW, MAKE HIM
ALL UPPITY AND SNOOTY.

WELL, DOBE, I AIN'T GONNA
LET THAT HAPPEN TO ME.

I'M GONNA TRY TO STAY JUST
AS LOVABLE AND SWEET AND KIND

AND GOOD AND TRUE
BLUE AS I'VE ALWAYS BEEN.

- I'M GETTING PRETTY
MISTY, MAYNARD.

- DOBE, WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE
EVERYBODY, LIKE, LOVES ME?

- BECAUSE YOU'RE LOVABLE
AND SWEET AND KIND AND GOOD.

- YOU, LIKE, FORGOT TRUE BLUE.

- EXCUSE ME, TRUE BLUE.

- THAT'S RIGHT, DOBE.
- UH-HUH.

- I'M, LIKE, LOVABLE AND SWEET

- Both: AND KIND AND
GOOD AND TRUE BLUE.

- BUT THAT AIN'T ALL.
- OH?

- I'M MODEST TOO.
- OH, YEAH.

- AND I MUSTN'T LET WEALTH
AND RICHES CHANGE ME.

I MEAN, I DON'T WANNA BE
SOME BIG POWERFUL TYCOON

THAT MAKES EVERYBODY
BOW AND SCRAPE.

I JUST WANNA STAY
THE SAME SWEET,

BELOVED MAYNARD G. KREBS.

- OH, YOU'RE ALL HEART, SIR.

- SO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M
GONNA DO WITH THE MONEY?

- ENDOW A UNIVERSITY?

- NO, I'LL THROW A BLAST.
- A BLAST?

- YOU KNOW, A PARTY,
A WING-DING, A GIG.

- OH, WHO'S COMING?
- LIKE EVERYBODY.

- EVERYBODY?
- YEAH,

I INVITED THE WHOLE SCHOOL.

I MEAN, ALL THE KIDS
WHO'VE BEEN RESPECTING

AND ADMIRING ME ALL THESE YEARS,

THEY'RE GONNA FIND OUT

MAYNARD G. KREBS DON'T FORGET.

- YEAH, I REPEAT, SIR.

YOU'RE ALL HEART.
- YEAH.

TONIGHT I'M GONNA
THROW THE BIGGEST BLAST

ANYBODY EVER SAW.
- TONIGHT?

- I'M GONNA HAVE, LIKE,
ALL KINDS OF FANCY FOODS

LIKE HOT DOGS AND
DOUGHNUTS AND MUSIC AND...

- MAYNARD, MAYNARD, MAYNARD!

YOU'RE HAVING A PARTY TONIGHT?

- YEAH, WITH HOT DOGS
AND DOUGHNUTS AND...

- MAYNARD, YOU DON'T GET
THE MONEY TILL 5:00 TOMORROW.

HOW CAN YOU PAY
FOR A PARTY TONIGHT?

- WELL, DOBE, EVERYBODY IN TOWN

KNOWS ABOUT THE MONEY I FOUND

AND RUMORS HAVE BEEN
GETTING PRETTY EXAGGERATED.

THE LAST I HEARD,
IT WAS UP TO $50,000.

- $50,000?

SIT DOWN, MAYNARD.

ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME
SOMEBODY'S GIVING YOU CREDIT?

- SPOOKY, AIN'T IT?

ONE FELLA LET ME RUN UP A
BILL OF $463.27 FOR THE FOOD.

HE EVEN ADVANCED ME 50 IN CASH.

- WHO WAS IT, MAYNARD?

A PERSON WOULD HAVE TO BE CRAZY

TO TRUST YOU FOR
THAT MUCH MONEY.

- DOBE, THAT'S NO WAY TO
TALK ABOUT YOUR OWN FATHER.

- MAYNARD!

- WILLY, DO YOU KNOW WHO
ELSE IS GONNA BE AT THAT BLAST?

- NO, ALFRED, WHOM ELSE?

- A LITTLE OLD LADY
SELLING VIOLETS.

[LAUGHS]

- WHAT A CORNBALL
RACKET SELLING VIOLETS.

- YEAH, BUT THIS VIOLET
SELLER LOST A PURSE

THAT HAD $500 BUCKS IN IT.
- YEAH.

- AND WHEN THAT KID OUT
THERE HEARS ABOUT IT,

HE'S GONNA WANT HER TO TAKE IT.

- YOU KNOW, I TOOK
ONE LOOK AT HIM.

I KNEW RIGHT AWAY
HE WAS A STUPID KID.

- NAH, HE'S GOT A
HEART AS SOFT AS MUSH.

HE'S GONNA BEG HER TO TAKE IT!

- THAT'S BRILLIANT, ALFRED.
- YEAH.

- I GOT A QUESTION.
- SHOOT.

- WHERE YOU GONNA FIND
SUCH A TYPE-LIKE OLD LADY?

- WELL, LET ME SEE.

NOW WITH A WIG AND A DRESS
I CAN STEAL FROM MY MOTHER,

WHO IS JUST ABOUT YOUR SIZE,

AND A FUNNY LITTLE HAT...
- OH, NO! NO, NO!

NO, YOU DON'T! NO,
ALFRED! NO, NO, NO!

- AW, COME, COME NOW, WILLY.

YOU'LL MAKE A CHARMING OLD LADY.

- REMEMBER THE LAST TIME YOU
MADE ME DRESS UP AS A DAME

TO CON THE OLD LADIES' HOME?
- YEAH.

- THREE TRAVELING
SALESMEN PROPOSED!

- WHO TOLD YOU TO
ACCEPT, YOU LUNKHEAD?

- NO, NO, NO!

- OH, BABY, THIS
PARTY'S THE MOST!

- NOTHING'S TOO GOOD FOR ANY
FRIEND OF MAYNARD G. KREBS!

- IT MUST HAVE
COST YOU A FORTUNE!

- LIKE WHO COUNTS?

- MAYNARD, THOSE KIDS ARE
EATING LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW.

- IT DOES YOUR HEART GOOD TO
SEE THE YOUNG FOLKS EAT, DON'T IT?

- MAYNARD, IF
ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN

AND YOU DON'T GET THAT
MONEY TO PAY MY FATHER,

YOU KNOW WHAT'S
GONNA HAPPEN TO ME?

- YEAH, GOOD BUDDY.

SO EAT, DRINK AND BE MERRY,

FOR TOMORROW YOU DIE.

- YOU COULD BE RIGHT.

- LISTEN, YOU CATS!

WE'RE GONNA HAVE A
SWINGING SQUARE DANCE NOW,

SO CHOOSE YOUR PARTNERS!

HEY, DOBE, GOOD
BUDDY, WILL YOU CALL?

- WHY NOT?

[SQUARE DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]

NOW YOU'RE HOME
AND NOW YOU SWING,

ROUND AND ROUND WITH
THE PRETTY LITTLE THING.

ALLEMANDE LEFT AND
A RIGHT TO YOUR GIRL,

A WAGON WHEEL AND MAKE IT WHIRL.

WHIRL 'EM HIGH
AND WHIRL 'EM LOW.

WHIRL THAT PRETTY LITTLE CALICO.

- YEE-OHH!

- [DANCERS YIPPING]

- WAH-HOO-HOO!

- YEOW!

- AHA!

YEAH!

DIP AND DIVE, UP AND
OVER, HERE WE GO.

HURRY UP, COWBOY, DON'T BE SLOW.

TWO LITTLE GALS
FRESH OFF THE FLOOR,

COME ON, BOYS, WE'LL
DANCE SOME MORE.

COME ON, GALS, GRAB A PAL

AND START FROM
OUT THE OLD CORRAL.

FORM TWO LINES OR THREE,

FORWARD SIX AND
BACK TO THE SPOT,

FLIP THOSE GALS,
LET'S MAKE IT HOT.

- WHOO!
- HOO-HOO!

- YEAH-YEAH, YAHOO!

- WAHOO!

-YEAH, YAHOO!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- MAYNARD?

MAYNARD, THE KIDS ARE
RUNNING OUT OF COOKIES!

- LET' EM EAT CAKE!

- WE'RE ALSO RUNNING
LOW ON SODA POP.

- WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
CALL GILLIS GROCERY

AND ORDER WHATEVER YOU NEED!

I'M VERY LARGE WITH
THE PROPRIETOR!

- MAYNARD?
- COME ON, SMILE, DOBE.

THIS IS A HAPPY DAY!
- LET'S HOPE SO.

- OH, YES, IT IS, GOOD BUDDY.

THIS IS THE BEST DAY I'LL
EVER HAVE IN MY WHOLE LIFE

EVEN IF I LIVE TO BE
OLD, LIKE 30 OR 40.

- I HOPE I DO.
- COME ON, SMILE, DOBE.

YOU GOTTA LOOK HAPPY
WHEN YOU GIVE THE SPEECH.

- SPEECH? WHAT SPEECH?

- THE SPEECH I WROTE
TELLING WHAT A GREAT GUY I AM.

- YEAH. IF YOU DON'T
MIND, MAYNARD,

I DON'T THINK I'M UP TO IT.

- ALL RIGHT, GOOD
BUDDY. YOU MUST BE TIRED

FROM ALL THAT CALLING.
- YEAH.

- I'LL GIVE IT MYSELF.

- [CROWD MURMURING]

- [CLEARING THROAT]

FRIENDS, I KNOW I
EXPRESS THE GRATITUDE

AND APPRECIATION
OF EVERYBODY HERE

WHEN I SAY, LIKE, THANK
YOU TO MAYNARD G. KREBS.

- YAY!

- NOW WHY DID MAYNARD G. KREBS

THROW THIS BLAST
FOR ALL HIS FRIENDS?

'CAUSE YOU'RE HIS
FRIENDS, THAT'S WHY.

I MEAN, YOU'RE FRIENDLY.

I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT'S
YOU GOT, FRIENDSHIP.

I MEAN, WHAT WOULD
FRIENDSHIP BE WITHOUT FRIENDS?

YOU'D BE, LIKE,
FRIENDLESS. LIKE RIGHT?

- LIKE RIGHT!

- BUT LEAVE US
NOT GET TOO MISTY.

LEAVE US CONTINUE
WITH THE REVELS,

COMPLIMENTS OF
THAT GREAT AMERICAN,

MAYNARD G. KREBS,
WHO NOW INVITES YOU

TO STEP TO THE REFRESHMENT TABLE

FOR SKINLESS AND
BONELESS FRANKFURTERS!

- VIOLETS! ANYONE?

VIOLETS? VIOLETS?

WHO'LL BUY MY VIOLETS?
KIND SIR, PLEASE.

- DOBE...
- VIOLETS, SIR?

- DOBE, IT AIN'T POLITE
TO SAY NO THANKS, MA'AM,

TO A LITTLE OLD LADY LIKE HER.

I'LL BUY ALL YOUR VIOLETS,
LITTLE FLOWER-TYPE LADY.

- ALL OF...
- HERE.

- OH, THANK YOU.
- KEEP THE CHANGE,

YOU POOR, PATHETIC OLD CREATURE.

- THANK YOU. THANK
YOU. OH, THANK YOU, SIR.

YOU ARE THE KINDLIEST
GENTLEMAN I HAVE EVER MET.

- YEAH, I'M ALL
HEART. HERE! HERE!

COMPLIMENTS OF MY HOST!

- THIS IS THE NICEST THING
THAT'S HAPPENED TO ME

SINCE THAT TRAGIC DAY I
FIRST ARRIVED IN THIS CITY.

- SONNY, MY NAME IS
MRS. BELINDA PARKINGTON

AND ON THAT TRAGIC DAY I
WAS WALKING THROUGH THE PARK

MINDING MY MISERABLE BUSINESS

WHEN I LOST MY PURSE
CONTAINING MY LIFE SAVINGS.

OVER $500 WAS IN IT.
- OH, THAT'S A PITY.

- OH, WHAT A TRAGIC DAY!
- YEAH.

- I WAS WALKING THROUGH THE PARK

MINDING MY POOR
MISERABLE BUSINESS

WHEN I LOST THIS
POOR MISERABLE PURSE.

OH, WHAT A TRAGIC DAY!

- GEE, THAT'S A SHA...

YOU LOST $500 IN A PURSE?

- EXACTLY SIX MONTHS AGO!

WHILE WALKING THROUGH THE PARK.

- THROUGH THE PARK.
- RIGHT DOWN THE STREET.

- DOWN THE STREET.

- PRETTY MISERABLE
LUCK, HUH, SONNY?

- PRETTY MISERABLE
LUCK, YEAH. OH, BOY.

- LITTLE FLOWER-TYPE LADY,

HOW ABOUT SOMETHING TO DRINK?
- MAYNARD...

- OH, NO, THANK YOU, SIR.

YOU'VE BEEN KIND ENOUGH ALREADY.

- MAYNARD...
- OH, PISH-POSH, OLD DEAR,

LIKE EASY COME, LIKE EASY GO!

- MAYNARD, THIS LADY HAS JUST...

- HOW ABOUT YOU, GOOD
BUDDY? HALF A DOZEN HOT DOGS,

A WHOLE CRATE OF
MARSHMALLOW SUNDAES.

- LISTEN TO HIM ALREADY!

- INNKEEPER, DON'T
SPARE THE MUSTARD!

THOSE PEOPLE ARE
MY HONORABLE GUESTS!

- MAYNARD, THERE'S
SOMETHING YOU OUGHT TO KNOW

- WELL, SHOOT, GOOD BUDDY.

- OH, THANK YOU FOR
THIS BEAUTIFUL PARTY,

MAYNARD DEAR.

- OH, YOUR PLEASURE IS
MY ONLY WISH, LOVELY ONE.

TONIGHT LET'S GO TO THE MOVIES.

- OH, WONDERFUL.
JUST THE TWO OF US?

- SURELY, YOU JEST.

I'M NO CHEAPSKATE.
BRING ALL YOUR FRIENDS.

THE POPCORN WILL FLOW LIKE WINE!

- THANK YOU!

- JUST A MOMENT.

NOW WHAT DID YOU START
TO SAY, GOOD BUDDY?

- MAYNARD, I DON'T KNOW
EXACTLY HOW TO TELL YOU THIS.

- OUT WITH IT, MAN.
SPEAK UP. DON'T MUMBLE!

- OH, I SPILLED MUSTARD
ALL OVER MY SKIRT.

- WHOA! NO GUEST
OF MAYNARD G. KREBS

GOES HOME DIRTY.

HERE, THIS SHOULD
TAKE CARE OF IT, MY PET.

- OH, MAYNARD, THE CLEANING
BILL WON'T BE THIS MUCH.

- WHAT TIGHTWAD SAID CLEAN
IT? BUY YOURSELF A NEW DRESS.

- THANK YOU.

- HERE, BUY YOURSELF
SEVERAL. THEY'RE SMALL.

- OH, YOU'RE SWEET.

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! COME HERE.

- THANK YOU!

- NOW WHERE WERE WE, FRIEND?

- MAYNARD, I DON'T KNOW
EXACTLY HOW TO TELL YOU.

- OUT WITH IT, MAN!
MY TIME IS MONEY!

- WELL, THIS LITTLE LADY HAS
A RATHER SAD STORY TO TELL.

- OH, HERE, HERE.

GO BUY ANYTHING YOUR
LITTLE OLD TIRED HEART DESIRES.

- MAYNARD, IT ISN'T EXACTLY
A SAD STORY FOR HER.

- FOR WHO?

- MA'AM, WILL YOU TELL MY FRIEND

WHAT HAPPENED TO
YOU SIX MONTHS AGO?

- I CAME TO THIS TOWN
WITH MY LIFE SAVINGS.

ON THE DAY I ARRIVED,

I LOST MY PURSE AND
ALL MY MONEY WAS IN IT.

- HERE, YOU POOR OLD THING.

- IT HAD OVER $500
RIGHT IN THAT PARK

RIGHT DOWN THE STREET.

- HERE, YOU DECREPIT
OLD DARLING.

- AND SINCE THEN, I'VE
TAKEN TO SELLING VIOLETS

AND PICKING UP A FEW
PENNIES HERE AND THERE.

OH, IT'S BEEN A HARD
LIFE, BOYS, - MAYNARD...

A VERY HARD LIFE.

- HERE, YOU ANTIQUE OLD LADY.
- MAYNARD...

- OH, IT'S CERTAINLY
BEEN A BREAK

RUNNING INTO YOU BOYS.

- HERE, YOU CREAKY OLD PERSON.

- MAYNARD!

MAYNARD, DID YOU
HEAR WHAT SHE SAID?

- YEAH, SHE CAME HERE
WITH HER LIFE SAVINGS,

OVER $500 AND SHE LOST
HER PURSE RIGHT IN THE...

OVER $500?

- IN A PURSE.
- IN THE PARK?

- SIX MONTHS AGO.
- MAYNARD.

- MAYNARD?
- YEAH?

- WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

- THE RIGHT THING.

- OH, I'M PROUD OF YOU, MAYNARD.

- YEAH. NOBODY SAW
HER COME IN HERE.

YOU GRAB HER FROM BEHIND...
- MAYNARD!

- STATION HOUSE?
- STATION HOUSE.

- SOMETHING WRONG,
KIND GENTLEMEN?

- LIKE WRONG?
- LIKE WRONG?

- WHAT COULD BE LIKE WRONG?

- YOU LOOK SO PALE.
- ONLY ON THE OUTSIDE.

INSIDE, I'M KINDA
LIKE REALLY PURPLE.

- YEAH. MRS. PARKINGTON,

I THINK YOUR DAYS OF MISFORTUNE

HAVE COME TO AN END.
- YEAH,

AND MINE ARE JUST BEGINNING.

- NOW WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT A MINUTE, MAYNARD.

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT. YOU
SAY THE MONEY IS NOT YOURS?

- NO. THOSE ARE THE
BREAKS, BIG DADDY.

- SOMETHING'S FISHY.

- WE THINK IT MIGHT BELONG
TO MRS. PARKINGTON HERE.

- YEAH. THIS POOR,
PATHETIC OLD CREATURE

IS EVEN WORSE OFF THAN ME.

- NOBODY'S WORSE OFF THAN YOU.

NOW I KNOW SOMETHING'S FISHY.

- SERGEANT, IT'S THE TRUTH.

MRS. PARKINGTON LOST HER
PURSE ABOUT SIX MONTHS AGO.

- HALT! I'M THE LAW AROUND
HERE AND I'LL HANDLE THIS!

MADAM, HOW MUCH
MONEY WAS IN THIS PURSE

YOU CLAIM YOU LOST?

- A LITTLE OVER $500.

- $512, TO BE EXACT.

- $512, TO BE EXACT,
MY LIFE SAVINGS.

I MUST HAVE DROPPED IT

IN THAT LITTLE PARK
RIGHT DOWN THE BLOCK.

- AND WHAT HAVE YOU
BEEN LIVING ON EVER SINCE?

- I SELL VIOLETS.

OH, IT'S A HARD LIVING,

ESPECIALLY IN THE WINTER
WHEN THERE ARE NO VIOLETS.

ONCE IN A WHILE,

SOME KIND GENTLEMEN LIKE
THESE COME ALONG AND HELP OUT.

- OH, STOP, STOP.
I CAN'T STAND IT.

THAT'S THE SADDEST
STORY I EVER HEARD

AND ONCE WAS ENOUGH!

HERE, YOU POOR LITTLE
OLD LADY. TAKE IT. IT'S YOURS.

- OH, THANK YOU, MAYNARD.

YOU ARE A SWEET, SENSITIVE BOY.

- IS THIS THE PURSE
YOU CLAIM YOU LOST?

- YES, OF COURSE, KIND
OFFICER. OF COURSE.

- WOULD YOU DESCRIBE THE
PURSE IN THIS ENVELOPE, PLEASE?

- DESCRIBE IT?

WELL, IT WAS ABOUT...
- THIS WIDE.

- DON'T YOU REMEMBER, YOU
POOR, FORGETFUL OLD THING?

- YES, THIS WIDE.
- HOW THICK WAS IT?

- THICK? WELL, IT WAS ABOUT...
- ABOUT THIS THICK.

- THIS THICK.
- THAT THICK.

- AND WHAT COLOR WAS IT?
- COLOR?

WELL, IT WAS... BLACK.

- BROWN.
- BLACKISH BROWN, THAT'S IT.

- WITH A LOT OF BEADWORK
ON IT AND AN OLD METAL CLASP,

LIKE FALLING APART
AND TWO METAL TASSELS

HANGING DOWN.
- TWO METAL TASSELS,

A LOT OF BEADWORK,
A METAL CLASP,

AND ANYTHING ELSE
THAT THIS LITTLE KID SAYS.

NOW MAY I PLEASE HAVE
MY PURSE, SERGEANT?

- PLEASE, SERGEANT.

DO YOU WANT HER TO GO
BACK TO SELLING FLOWERS,

WALKING THE COLD
STREETS ON COLD NIGHTS?

- MAYNARD, HER IDENTIFICATION
OF THIS PURSE IS PRETTY SHAKY.

- WELL, WHAT DO YOU
EXPECT FROM A BROKEN-DOWN

OLD BAG OF BONES LIKE ME?

- LET HER HAVE THE
PURSE, SERGEANT.

EVEN THOUGH IT'LL PROBABLY
TAKE THE REST OF MY LIFE

TO PAY THE MONEY BACK,

I'LL PROBABLY HAVE
TO GO TO WORK. WORK?!

BUT SHE'S AN OLD WRECK
AND I'M A YOUNG ONE.

LET HER HAVE IT.

- ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU ARE,

YOU POOR, UNFORTUNATE CREATURE.

- OH, THANK YOU, KIND SIR,

AND BLESS YOU, MY CHILDREN,

BLESS YOU! HOO-HOO!

BYE NOW!

- NOW JUST A MINUTE!
JUST A DARN MINUTE!

- OH, GET AWAY FROM THAT DOOR!

- DOBIE, NO!

- GRAB HIM, DUGAN!

- IT'S A FINE WAY TO
TREAT A LITTLE OLD...

MAN.

- IF WILLY'S HERE, HIS
PARTNER MUST BE CLOSE BY!

- RIGHT! I'LL NAB
HIM IN A HURRY.

- MRS. PARKINGTON,
YOU LOOK DIFFERENT.

- MAYNARD, YOU CAN
KEEP THE MONEY AFTER ALL.

- OH, DRAT THAT ALFRED!

EVERY TIME I PUT ON THIS OUTFIT,

I ALWAYS WIND UP IN TROUBLE!

- LET'S GO!
- LET GO OF ME, YOU BIG APE!

I'M STILL A LADY, YOU KNOW.

- COME ON! GET IN HERE!

- POOR MRS. PARKINGTON.

- DOBIE, WE ALL OWE
YOU A VOTE OF THANKS,

ESPECIALLY MAYNARD.

SAY, HOW DID YOU
EVER FIGURE THIS OUT?

- WELL, REMEMBER
WHEN SHE KISSED ME?

WELL, THAT WAS THE FIRST
TIME I WAS EVER KISSED

BY AN OLD LADY
WHO NEEDED A SHAVE.

- GOOD WORK, GILLIS!

- POOR MRS.PARKINGTON,

LOSING HER HAIR AND ALL.

- [SQUARE DANCE MUSIC,
DANCERS HOOTING]

- HEY, THAT DANCE
IS LIKE SNOOZE-VILLE.

WATCH ME THROW THEM A
COUPLE OF REAL HIP DO-SI-DOs.

- MAYNARD, REMEMBER
WHAT HAPPENED

THE LAST TIME YOU TRIED
TO DANCE WITH A GIRL?

- OH, I WASN'T SO BAD.

INSIDE OF A MONTH,

SHE HAD THAT LEG OUT OF A CAST.

- MAYNARD, THOSE KIDS ARE GOOD.
THEY'LL MAKE YOU LOOK FOOLISH.

- WHO NEEDS THEM? I
CAN DO THAT BY MYSELF.

- MAYNARD, IF YOU GO OUT THERE,

YOU'LL SPOIL EVERYTHING.

- GOOD BUDDY, WHOSE
HARD-EARNED LOOT

IS PAYING FOR THIS BLAST?

- YOURS, MAYNARD?

AND I WENT THROUGH
LIKE THICK AND THIN

AND RAIN AND SNOW
AND MUCK AND MIRE...

- AND MRS. PARKINGTON?
- AND MRS. PARKINGTON TO GET IT.

- SO?
- SO?

- SO GO OUT THERE AND
SHOW 'EM A FEW HIP DO-SI-DOs,

- YEAH.
- AH, YEAH.

MAYNARD!

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪

♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪