The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 2, Episode 6 - The Face That Stopped the Clock - full transcript
Dobie working at the grocery store to earn enough money to buy his father a nice birthday gift brings up Maynard's irrational fear of anything associated with work, even the mention of it. Dobie and Herbert feel they need to help Maynard get over this fear. As nothing else seems to have worked, they believe they have to throw Maynard into the deep end by helping him get an actual job. Answering a job ad, Maynard does end up getting a job as a salesman at an Army & Navy surplus. The store's latest problem, the one that they hired Maynard to focus on, is how to get rid of the overabundance of ugly Confucius statue clocks they have on hand. As they are not going to sell themselves, Dobie tries to give Maynard a secret helping hand by getting their friends to go into the store in disguise to buy several of the clocks. Unwittingly, this action not only has an effect on Herbert's birthday, but his Christmas and his pocketbook as well.
- LIKE, HI, GOOD BUDDY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- MAYNARD, YOU KNOW
PERFECTLY WELL WHAT I'M DOING.
IT'S WHAT SOME PEOPLE CALL WORK.
- WORK?!
- MAYNARD, HOW MANY
TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH WORK?
- WORK?!
- DOBE, DO YOU HAVE
TO SAY THAT WORD?
- WHAT WORD, WORK?
- WORK?!
DO YOU HAVE TO SAY IT
I MEAN, IF YOU'RE
GONNA KEEP SNEAKING IT
INTO THE CONVERSATION COULDN'T
YOU, LIKE, ACT IT OUT OR DO IT
IN SIGN LANGUAGE INSTEAD?
- MAYNARD, I'M ASHAMED OF YOU.
ALL THIS SCREAMING
AND CARRYING ON ABOUT...
WELL, ALL RIGHT, ALL THIS
SCREAMING AND CARRYING ON
ABOUT...
- THANKS, GOOD BUDDY,
YOU'RE ALL HEART.
- LOOK, EVERYBODY HAS
TO GO TO... SOMETIME.
I'M DOING IT BECAUSE
FRIDAY'S MY FATHER'S BIRTHDAY
AND I HAVE TO... TO
MAKE ENOUGH MONEY
TO BUY HIM A PRESENT.
BESIDES... BUILDS A
FELLOW CHARACTER.
- MAN, JUST HEARING ABOUT
IT IS TOO MUCH... FOR ME.
MAYNARD, THIS TERRIBLE
FEAR YOU HAVE IS A SICKNESS.
- IS THERE, LIKE, A CURE?
- SURE, GO TO...
- I'D RATHER BE SICK.
- I'M YOUR BEST FRIEND
AND I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU,
NOW YOU'VE GOT
TO FACE UP TO LIFE
AND STOP TRYING TO AVOID
YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES.
- YOU'RE RIGHT, GOOD BUDDY.
- YEAH.
- MAN, IT'S A LUCKY THING THE
RUSSIANS AIN'T GOT YOUR BRAIN.
I'LL DO IT. I'LL GO TO W...
- WORK.
- OOH, WHAT YOU SAID.
- MAYNARD!
♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
[SCATTING] ♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
SHEER HONESTY
COMPELS ME TO REPORT
THAT MAYNARD'S TERRIBLE
FEAR OF WORK IS NOT UNUSUAL
AMONG HIS GENERATION. I KNOW.
I USED TO HOLD THE SCHOOL RECORD
FOR THE LONGEST ELAPSED TIME
SPENT SQUIRMING OUT OF JOBS.
- THEN ONE DAY
SOMETHING HAPPENED,
SOMETHING MADE ME
CHANGE, MADE ME GROW UP.
IT WAS WHEN I HEARD A
LITTLE VOICE SAY TO ME...
- GET TO WORK, BOY,
OR I WILL THROW YOU INTO
MANUAL TRAINING SCHOOL.
- AND WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT?
SINCE THAT MOMENT THERE
HASN'T BEEN A LAZY BONE
IN MY BODY.
MAYNARD'S IN MUCH WORSE
SHAPE THAN I EVER WAS, DAD.
I MENTIONED WORK AND HE
WENT INTO A STATE OF SHOCK.
- WITH MAYNARD
THAT'S AN IMPROVEMENT.
- GOT TO DO
SOMETHING TO HELP HIM.
- OH, YOU'RE A GOOD BOY, DOBIE.
THERE AREN'T MANY KIDS
WHO'D KNOCK THEMSELVES OUT
TRYING TO HELP THE POOR,
MISERABLE, KOOKY-TYPE CREEP.
- YOU RANG?
- DAD AND I HAVE BEEN
THINKING ABOUT YOUR PROBLEM.
- WHENEVER MY FATHER
THINKS ABOUT IT, HE CRIES.
- MAYNARD.
- DID YOU EVER SEE
A GROWN MAN CRY? IT'S SPOOKY.
- MAYNARD.
- ONCE HE CRIED FOR TWO DAYS
STRAIGHT RIGHT THROUGH MEALS
AND WATCHING
TELEVISION AND SLEEPING,
EVEN WENT BACK TO WORK. WORK?!
- THIS BOY'S WORSE
OFF THAN I THOUGHT.
COME HERE A MINUTE, MAYNARD,
I GOT AN IDEA TO HELP YOU.
- OH, FOR JOY.
- YEAH, NOW, LISTEN, MAYNARD,
THE TROUBLE SEEMS
TO BE IN YOUR HEAD,
SO THAT'S WHERE
WE'LL START THE CURE.
- TAKE MY HEAD, MR. GILLIS,
DO WHATEVER YOU WANT WITH IT.
- DON'T TEMPT ME.
NOW, MAYNARD, WE'RE GONNA
TRY A LITTLE EXPERIMENT.
- CAREFUL, DAD, YOU'RE
DEALING WITH A HUMAN MIND.
- THAT'S OPEN TO
QUESTION BUT DON'T WORRY,
WE'LL TRY TO CURE
YOU GRADUALLY, SEE?
- NOW FIRST OF ALL
REPEAT AFTER ME:
- W... - W... - O... - O...
- R...
- R...
- K...
- K...
- PUT THEM ALL
TOGETHER, THEY SPELL
- MOTHER?
- NO, WORK!
- WORK?!
- OH, THIS GUY'S OLD
MAN'S GOT A RIGHT TO CRY.
- NO, DAD, IT'S OUR DUTY
AS MAYNARD'S FRIENDS
TO HELP HIM FIND A JOB.
IT'S THE ONLY THING
THAT MIGHT CURE HIM
BEFORE HE GOES
COMPLETELY TO PIECES.
- YOU'RE RIGHT, SON.
WE'RE KIND TO
STRAY CATS AND DOGS
AND OTHER STRANGE
ANIMALS. WHY NOT MAYNARD?
- YOU'RE, LIKE, A REAL
HUMAN BEING, MR. G.
- THINK NOTHING OF IT.
HERE, LET'S LOOK AT THE
HELP WANTED ADS, HUH?
- OH, DO I, LIKE, GOTTA?
- YOU, LIKE, GOTTA.
MAYNARD, THIS IS YOUR CHANCE
TO BE LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE,
TO BE ACCEPTED BY THE WORLD.
- I'M READY, BUT IS THE WORLD?
- HERE WE ARE, "HELP WANTED,
"YOUNG MAN, BRIGHT,
ALERT, CLEAN,
PERSONABLE, DEBONAIR..."
- SO FAR THAT'S ME, ALL
RIGHT, LIKE, PLEASE CONTINUE.
- DAD.
"BIG SALES COMMISSIONS
GUARANTEED.
APPLY AT ARMY NAVY AND
CIVILIAN SURPLUS STORE."
- ME? A SALESMAN?
- WHY NOT? ALL YOU
HAVE TO DO IS TALK
AND CONVINCE PEOPLE THEY
OUGHT TO BUY WHAT YOU'RE SELLING.
- HEY, I COULD SO
THAT. I'M, LIKE, GLIB-LIKE.
- HERE'S THE ADDRESS, MAYNARD.
NOW, YOU GET DOWN THERE
AND LAND THAT JOB.
- OH, I'LL DO IT, GOOD
BUDDY, I'LL DO IT.
DON'T WORRY, YOU'LL
BE PROUD OF ME.
I'LL SHOW THEM CATS
DOWN AT THE ARMY AND NAVY
AND CIVILIAN SURPLUS
STORE THE MOST SHREWDEST,
CLEVEREST, MOST-TYPE
SALESMAN THEY EVER SAW.
- YEAH, WHERE YOU
GONNA FIND HIM?
- DAD.
- OH, OH, YES.
YOU, MAYNARD.
LISTEN, GOOD LUCK, BOY.
YOU GO DOWN THERE
AND GRAB THAT JOB
AND SHOW HIM YOU
GOT WHAT IT TAKES, HUH?
[LAUGHS]
- WHATEVER IT TAKES,
THIS CRUMMY
MONSTER AIN'T GOT IT.
ONLY SOME LUNKHEAD
WOULD BUY THIS.
- PLEASE, PLEASE?
- "WHAT A DEAL I
MADE," YOU TOLD ME.
FOUR DOZEN BEAUTIFUL
CONFUCIUS STATUES
WITH CLOCKS IN
THEIR STOMACHS YET.
- THEY WERE A STEAL.
- THEN YOU SHOULDN'T
HAVE STOLE THEM.
THE CLOCKS ARE SIX HOURS SLOW
AND CONFUCIUS IS NAUSEOUS.
- OKAY, OKAY, DON'T RUB IT IN.
DO I KEEP HARPING
ABOUT THAT SWEET DEAL
YOU LET GO DOWN THE DRAIN?
TAKE IT FROM ME, PAL.
THE PUBLIC ISN'T READY
YET FOR A GIMMICK LIKE THAT.
- HARRY...
- YEAH, AND WHAT WAS THE GIMMICK
THEY PROBABLY WASN'T READY FOR?
BALLPOINT PENS.
- THAT'S THE GIMMICK THE
PUBLIC WASN'T READY FOR YET.
- ALL RIGHT, SO I GOOFED!
BUT IT'S BETTER
THAN GETTING STUCK
WITH THIS CORNY, RIDICULOUS,
SCREWY-LOOKING MESS.
- YOU RANG?
- [WHISPERING]
A CUSTOMER, SORT OF.
- HEY, YOU FELLOWS
MUST BE THE BOSSES, HUH?
- OKAY, WE KNOW WHAT
WE ARE, WHAT ARE YOU?
- I LIKE, DUG, YOUR
S.O.S. AND I'M YOUR MAN.
- I WONDER, COULD WE
SUE THE NEWSPAPER?
- FELLA, YOU WOULDN'T LIKE
IT HERE. THERE'S NO SALARY
AND EVEN WITH THE COMMISSIONS
YOU DON'T MAKE ANY MONEY.
THE HOURS ARE LONG AND THE
CONDITIONS HERE ARE MISERABLE.
- WELL, WHY WOULDN'T
I, LIKE, LIKE IT?
- KID, DID THEY LET YOU
COME ALL THE WAY DOWN HERE
ALL BY YOURSELF?
- NO, SIR, BY STREETCAR.
- OH, BY STREETCAR.
HARRY, YOU TALK TO HIM. YOU
GOT A STRONGER STOMACH.
- JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE,
HUH? PLEASE, MR. BOSSES.
I'LL GIVE IT EVERYTHING I GOT.
I'LL SELL THESE
AND THESE AND, OOH,
LIKE, STAND BACK, I GOTTA LOOK.
MAN, THESE ARE THE
MOST BEAUTIFUL JAZZ-BOS
I EVER SAW.
- YOU LIKE THEM?
- YEAH, THEY'RE, LIKE,
SOMETHING I'D GIVE MY MOTHER.
- POOR OLD DAME.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- HE LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING WE
SHOULD HAVE ON SALE IN HERE.
- WE CAN'T BE CHOOSY.
WE'VE HAD THE AD IN THE
PAPER AND NOBODY'S SHOWED UP.
- AGAIN, NOBODY SHOWED UP.
- HE THINKS CONFUCIUS
IS BEAUTIFUL.
- SO DID MRS. CONFUCIUS.
LOOK, HARRY, WE CAN'T HIRE...
- CHARLIE, HE LOVES
THE STATUE SO MUCH
THAT WHEN IT COMES
TO SELLING THEM
HE'LL GIVE THEM THAT
OLD REFORM SCHOOL PITCH.
- ALL RIGHT, WHAT COULD
BE A BIGGER MISTAKE
THAN BALLPOINT PENS?
- RIGHT.
- HEY, KID?
- IT, LIKE, REMINDS ME
OF A GIRL I USED
TO KNOW IN SCHOOL,
THE FACE, LIKE, REMINDS ME.
SHE DIDN'T EXACTLY
WEAR HER WATCH... THERE.
- OKAY. SO THERE
ARE WORSE MISTAKES
THAN MISSING OUT
ON BALLPOINT PENS.
- QUIET. YOUNG MAN,
UH, WE'VE DECIDED
TO BE VERY LARGE-HEARTED
AND GIVE YOU THE JOB.
- OH, BLESS YOU,
SIRS, BLESS YOU.
MAYNARD G. KREBS,
CITIZEN OF JOBSVILLE
WILL NEVER FORGET YOU.
- YES, SIR. MAYNARD GOT THAT JOB
AND HE DID IT THE HARD WAY,
BY SELLING HIMSELF.
I MEAN, LET'S FACE IT, IF
YOU CAN SELL MAYNARD,
YOU CAN SELL ANYTHING.
RIGHT AWAY HE PUT HIS
SALES TECHNIQUES TO WORK.
- NO!
- HIS GLIB TONGUE
AND SMOOTH APPROACH
OCCASIONALLY MET WITH
A LITTLE SALES RESISTANCE.
- NO!
- HE REFUSED TO LET THE
CUSTOMERS RUFFLE HIM.
THROUGH IT ALL HE REMAINED
CALM, CONFIDENT, SELF-ASSURED.
- I SAID NO, AND I MEAN NO.
- NO, DID YOU
HEAR ME? I SAID NO!
AND I MEAN NO. I
SAID NO, NO, NO.
- HEY, DOBE.
- HEY, THE CONQUERING
HERO RETURNS.
I BET YOU KNOCKED 'EM
DEAD DOWN IN THAT STORE.
- NO.
- YOU DID GREAT?
- WELL, NOT EXACTLY.
- SENSATIONAL?
- WELL...
- FABULOUS?
- NO.
- MISERABLE.
- THAT'S THE WORD.
- MAN.
- OOH, IT WAS, LIKE, AWFUL,
DOBE, I WORKED ALL DAY
AND I COULDN'T SELL ONE OF
THEM BEAUTIFUL STOMACH CLOCKS.
- THEY FIRED YOU?
- NO, THEY SAID COME
IN AGAIN TOMORROW.
- TO SELL CLOCKS?
- TO SCRUB FLOORS.
- OH, THOSE LOWDOWN CROOKS,
EXPLOITING INNOCENT CHILD LABOR.
- NO, IT'S MY OWN FAULT, DOBE.
I COULDN'T DO GOOD AT NOTHIN'.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S NOT TRUE.
- I'M, LIKE, REAL
BAD AT DOING GOOD
AND REAL GOOD AT DOING BAD.
- NOW, LISTEN MAYNARD.
- OH, DOBE,
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE CURED ME.
I WAS BETTER OFF WHEN I WAS SICK
AND, LIKE, SCARED
OF WORK. WORK?!
- MAYNARD.
- DOBE, IT'S COMING BACK AGAIN.
- MAYNARD.
- WORK?! WORK?! WORK?! WORK?!
- MAYNARD! MAYNARD,
PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.
MAYNARD WAS IN A BAD WAY.
I MEAN, EVEN FOR MAYNARD
HE WAS IN A BAD WAY,
AND THAT'S ABOUT AS
BAD AS YOU CAN GET.
THE SITUATION WAS DESPERATE
AND IT CALLED FOR
DESPERATE MEASURES.
- BUY A CLOCK FROM MAYNARD?
I'M NOT THAT DESPERATE.
- ZELDA, IT'S GOT TO BE DONE
TO SAVE MAYNARD FROM
A WASTED, UNHAPPY LIFE.
- FOR YOU, POOPSIE, I'LL DO IT.
- ZELDA!
MAYNARD'S SUFFERING
AND SHE'S WRINKLING.
LOOK, JUST GO INTO THAT STORE
AND BUY A BUNCH OF CLOCKS
BUT PRETEND YOU DON'T KNOW HIM.
- OKAY, SNOOKUMS, BUT I'M BROKE.
WHAT DO I USE FOR MONEY?
- I'LL GIVE YOU THE MONEY.
I WAS SAVING IT UP TO BUY MY
FATHER A CLASSY BIRTHDAY PRESENT
BUT SOMEHOW WHEN
MAYNARD HAS A PROBLEM,
IT'S ALWAYS A TERRIBLE PROBLEM.
- DOBIE, YOU ARE THE SWEETEST,
KINDEST, MOST CONSIDERATE GUY
IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
- THAT'S TRUE, ZELDA.
- IF YOU ASK ME
NICE I'LL KISS YA.
- IF YOU GET DOWN THERE AND
SAVE MAYNARD'S JOB, I'LL LET YA.
- GILLIS, BABY, ARE YOU
ACTUALLY SUGGESTING
THAT I, CHATSWORTH OSBORNE,
JR. ENTER AN ESTABLISHMENT
CALLED THE ARMY, NAVY
AND CIVILIAN SURPLUS STORE?
- BUT IT'S FOR SUCH
A GOOD CAUSE.
- OH?
- MAYNARD.
- OUCH, DOBIE-DOO,
YOU STRUCK A NERVE.
WE MEMBERS OF THE SOCIALLY
ELITE CONSIDER IT OUR DUTY
TO CARE FOR THE DOWN-AND-OUT.
- ATTA BOY, CHATSWORTH.
- AND ONE MUST ADMIT THAT KREBS
IS LOWER DOWN AND FARTHER OUT
THAN ANYONE IN THIS TOWN.
- THEN YOU'LL DO IT?
- VERY WELL. NOBLESSE OBLIGE.
- NO, MAYNARD KREBS.
- I'VE HEARD OF THE HOI-POLLOI,
BUT HOW HOI CAN YOU
GET? THE CURRENCY, PLEASE.
- CHATSWORTH, YOU
GOTTA BE KIDDING.
WITH ALL YOUR LOOT, WHAT DO YOU
NEED WITH MY MEASLY FEW BUCKS?
- WELL, I'M JUST FOLLOWING
ON OUR FAMILY MOTTO
UNDER THE CREST:
NOLI STILTA MISERERE.
- A PENNY SAVED
IS A PENNY EARNED?
- NOT QUITE.
NEVER GIVE A SUCKER
AN EVEN BREAK.
THE CURRENCY, PLEASE.
- YEAH.
- OH, HOW QUAINT. ONES!
- WELL, OFF TO HUNT.
TALLY-HO!
OFF TO THE HUNT! TALLY-HO!
- LOOK, I'VE HEARD OF HARD
SELL, I'VE HEARD OF SOFT SELL,
I'VE HEARD OF GRAB 'EM AND
TWIST 'EM BY THE ARM SELL,
BUT NO SELL?
- WE GOTTA GET RID
OF THE POOR SLOB.
HE'S GOT THE KIND OF
PERSONALITY THAT MAKES PEOPLE
BRING BACK THINGS
THEY DIDN'T EVEN BUY.
- OH, A CUSTOMER.
- HOW DO THERE?
- YES, MADAM.
- YES, YES, YES.
- STAND BACK, YOU RASCALS.
I DON'T LIKE YOUR SNEAKY FACES.
I WILL DO BUSINESS
ONLY WITH A FACE I TRUST.
- BUT MRS...
- NOW, DON'T ARGUE
WITH ME, YOU PHONIES.
CAN'T YOU SEE I'M AN
ECCENTRIC LITTLE OLD LADY?
- AHA!
NOW THERE'S A FACE I
CAN DO BUSINESS WITH.
- THAT FACE?
- IT'S HONEST.
- YEAH, IT'S TOO STUPID
TO BE ANYTHING ELSE.
- I MUST SPEAK TO THAT FINE,
UPSTANDING YOUNG FACE.
OUT OF MY WAY, CHARLATANS.
HOW DO, FINE,
UPSTANDING YOUNG MAN.
- HOW DO, FINE,
UPSTANDING OLD LADY.
I AM MAYNARD G.
KREBS AT YOUR SERVICE.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO
BUY... NO OFFENSE,
BUT I DON'T I KNOW YOU
FROM SOMEPLACE, MA'AM?
- IMPOSSIBLE, I'VE
NEVER BEEN THERE.
NOW, YOUNG MAN, WHICH
IS YOUR DEPARTMENT?
- OH, I'M, LIKE, SELLING
THESE BEAUTIFUL
WORKS OF BEAUTIFUL ART.
YOU LOOK JUST LIKE A
CHICK I KNOW FROM SCHOOL.
- CHICK, WHAT A
SWEET THING TO SAY
TO AN ECCENTRIC LITTLE OLD LADY.
- JUST AN ECCENTRIC
LITTLE OLD CHICK.
- YOUR SALES TECHNIQUE
IS IRRESISTIBLE.
I'LL TAKE TWO OF THESE.
- LIKE, NO.
- GOOD HEAVENS, I CAN'T FIGHT
YOUR SUPER SALESMANSHIP.
DOUBLE THE ORDER.
- FOUR CLOCKS?!
- SUCH PERSONALITY, FIVE.
- OOH, I KNOW THESE
CLOCKS WILL FIND
A GOOD HOME WITH YOU,
MA'AM. LIKE, AHA, I REMEMBER YOU.
YOU'RE PRETTIER, BUT
YOU LOOK JUST LIKE A CHICK
THAT SITS IN FRONT OF
ME IN HISTORY CLASS.
FUNNY-LOOKING OLD ZELDA GILROY.
- THANKS. I MEAN,
UH, HOW POLITE,
AS WELL AS FINE AND UPSTANDING,
THINKING I LOOK
LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL.
GIVE ME ANOTHER CLOCK.
- THAT BOY'S A
NATURAL-BORN SALESMAN.
- THE OLD DAME'S A
NATURAL-BORN SHNOOK.
- YOU WATCH NOW OR THAT
FINE, UPSTANDING YOUNG MAN
WILL OWN THIS STORE AND
YOU'LL BE WORKING FOR HIM.
- CHARLIE, DID YOU
SEE WHAT I SAW?
- OH, OF COURSE NOT. THE
WHOLE THING WAS IMPOSSIBLE.
NO, IT'S GOT TO BE A FLUKE.
WHO'D BUY ANYTHING
FROM THAT BOOB
EXCEPT SOME SCREWY ECCENTRIC.
[FLAMENCO-TYPE FOOT STOMPS]
- ¡OLÉ, MUCHACHOS!
- QUICK! WHERE'S
THE FLY SWATTER?
- EN ROUTE TO MY FLAMENCO LESSON
I DECIDED TO HONOR YOUR
SLOVENLY ESTABLISHMENT
BY DROPPING IN TO PURCHASE
AN EXPENSIVE TRINKET
FOR MY DANCING MASTER.
[FLAMENCO FOOT STOMPS]
- HOW'S THAT FOR
ZAPATEADO, EH, AMIGOS?
- HE'S GOT TO BE RICH.
HE'S TOO LOONY TO BE LOONY.
- OUR ENTIRE SLOVENLY
ESTABLISHMENT
IS AT YOUR SERVICE.
- A DISMAL PROSPECT.
THERE'S NOBODY HERE I
CARE TO DEAL WITH EXCEPT...
THAT STERLING-LOOKING FELLOW.
- THAT?
- THAT?
- THAT?!
- THAT!
THERE IS STRENGTH AND
HONESTY IN THAT THAT,
IF ONE CAN CALL IT A THAT.
STAND BACK, PEONS.
THAT HONEST THAT
AND THAT HONEST THAT
ALONE WILL WAIT ON ME.
[STOMPING]
- IN THAT GET-UP I CAN'T TELL
IF HE BELONGS IN WHO'S
WHO OR WHAT'S THAT?
- LIKE, GREETINGS,
YOUR HONOR, JARACHA.
- AH, ¿CÓMO ESTÁ?
TELL ME, GAUCHO,
WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN
THE WAY OF KNICK-KNACKS?
- OH, LIKE, THE
KNACKIEST, LIKE, BEHOLD.
- OH, GOD.
- THEY'RE, UH, THEY'RE
INDESCRIBABLE.
- OH, I KNEW A FINE TORTILLA
LIKE YOURSELF WOULD FLIP OVER...
HEY, DON'T I KNOW
YOU FROM SOMEWHERE?
LIKE, MAYBE WE BELONG IN
THE SAME CLUB OR SOMETHING.
- SURELY YOU'RE
JESTING, AMIGO, BABY.
- YOU LOOK LIKE THIS
FELLA I KNOW FROM SCHOOL.
- LOOK, I MUST HAVE ONE
OF THESE SUPERB CREATIONS.
- HE'S BUYING.
- I'M COLLAPSING.
- WHAT ARE YOU ASKING
FOR THESE OBJETS D'ART?
- OH, THEY COST...
- I'LL TAKE THREE.
- THREE?
- FOUR.
BETTER MAKE IT TWO.
- OH, THANK YOU, THANK
YOU, KIND ENCHILADA.
- YOU'RE WELCOME, YES.
- MAN, YOU LOOK JUST
LIKE THIS CAT I KNOW.
- RIDICULOUS.
I AM UNIQUE. HASTA LA VISTA.
- HE SOLD TWO MORE.
- WHERE CAN I GET A DRINK?
- YOU DON'T DRINK.
- I MAY START.
YES, SIR?
- PLEASE, PLEASE,
NO HIGH PRESSURE.
I'M A BUSY, BUSY BUSINESSMAN
AND I HAVE COMPLETE AND
ABSOLUTE SALES RESISTANCE.
TRYING TO SELL ME
ANYTHING IS A WASTE OF TIME.
- WELCOME, YOUNG BUSINESS TYPE.
- GOOD AFTERNOON,
YOUNG SALESMAN.
- YOU LOOK JUST LIKE
SOMEBODY I KNOW.
TODAY EVERYBODY LOOKS
LIKE SOMEBODY I KNOW, EVEN ME.
- COME NOW, IF
PRETENDING YOU KNOW ME
IS YOUR IDEA OF A
SMOOTH SALES APPROACH
YOU'RE ON THE WRONG TRACK.
I HAVE COMPLETE AND
ABSOLUTE SALES RESISTANCE.
I MERELY CAME INTO BROWSE.
- HOW ABOUT BROWSING AT
THESE BEAUTIFUL STOMACH CLOCKS.
- WHAT A SALESMAN.
YOUR PERSONAL
MAGNETISM IS BREAKING DOWN
MY COMPLETE AND
ABSOLUTE SALES RESISTANCE.
- WHO, ME?
- I CAN'T RESIST, I'LL TAKE TWO.
- I ONLY...
- ALL RIGHT THREE
BUT TURN OFF THE
MAGNETISM, I BEG YOU.
- THREE CLOCKS.
- THE GOON HAS STRUCK AGAIN.
- SIR, ARE YOU SURE
YOU'RE NOT MY GOOD BUDDY
WHO I ALWAYS HAVE...
- ABSOLUTELY NOT BUT
THE WAY YOU CAN SELL
I'D BETTER GET OUT OF HERE
BEFORE YOU CONVINCE ME I AM.
- THAT FINE YOUNG MAN
IS A CREDIT TO THIS STORE
AND TO THE WORLD OF
COMMMERCE IN GENERAL.
MY CONGRATULATIONS.
- I TELL YOU IT'S A SECRET
SOMETHING HE'S GOT INSIDE.
- IMPOSSIBLE. HOW COULD
HAVE ENOUGH ON THE INSIDE
TO MAKE UP FOR HE LOOKS
LIKE ON THE OUTSIDE?
- THAT BOY HAS MAGIC.
HE COULD SELL ANYTHING.
LET'S MOVE HIM UP TO
BIGGER AND BETTER THINGS.
- YOU MEAN...
- WHY NOT?
- SWOOSH.
PING. MM, BRRRRRR!
- LIE DOWN, HERBERT,
AND I'LL SEND FOR
DR. INGLEBOCK IMMEDIATELY.
- AW, COME ON, I'M JUST
TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
WHETHER DOBIE'S GOING
TO BUY ME A BOWLING BALL
OR A NEW FISHING REEL
FOR HIS DEAR OLD LOVABLE
DAD'S BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
- HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
DEAR OLD LOVABLE DAD.
- DAD. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAD.
- FOR ME? A BIRTHDAY
PRESENT FOR ME?
OH, GOSH, WHAT A SURPRISE.
WINNIE, ISN'T THIS
THE COMPLETEST,
TOTALEST SURPRISE?
- GOODNESS, YES.
- I WONDER WHAT IT CAN BE.
IT'S TOO BIG FOR A FISHING REEL.
I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO SEE IT.
IT'S NOT BIG ENOUGH
FOR A BOWLING BALL.
OH, BOY, I WONDER WHAT
IT POSSIBLY COULD BE.
- YEAH.
- I STILL GOT NO IDEA
WHAT IT POSSIBLY COULD BE.
- IT'S A STATUE OF CONFUCIUS
WITH A CLOCK IN HIS STOMACH.
- OH, BOY, JUST WHAT
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED.
- WINNIE, EVER SINCE
I WAS A LITTLE BOY
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED A
STATUE OF CONFUCIUS
WITH A CLOCK IN HIS STOMACH.
AND NOW I GOT ONE.
OH, BOY.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.
BIRTHDAY TO ME.
- GEE, MOM, I'M SORRY I
HAD TO LET DAD DOWN.
I HAD A FABULOUS
FISHING REEL ALL LINED UP,
BUT I NEEDED THE
MONEY TO HELP MAYNARD.
- YOU'RE A FINE BOY, DOBIE,
THINKING OF YOUR FRIENDS,
AND DON'T WORRY.
IN TIME, YOUR FATHER
MAY EVEN GROW TO
LIKE YOUR PRESENT.
- DO YOU REALLY THINK SO?
- NO.
- NO.
- HI, WINNIE.
- HI, SAM. HAVE AN APPLE.
- YEAH, THANKS. HA HA.
HEY, STAND BACK. I'LL
BEAT THIS THING TO DEATH.
- AH, DOBIE'S BIRTHDAY
PRESENT TO HIS FATHER.
- KID REALLY HATES HIM, HUH?
- SAM, WOULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR?
- SURE.
- TELL HERBERT THAT
YOU THINK IT'S BEAUTIFUL?
- OH, YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING.
HE'LL SAY I'VE BEEN WEARING
MY POLICE CAP TOO TIGHT.
- PLEASE. I WANT HIM TO THINK
THAT DOBIE GAVE HIM
A WONDERFUL GIFT.
- WELL, JUST SITTING
HERE IT'S VIOLATING
AT LEAST EIGHT CITY
ORDINANCES AND A FEDERAL LAW.
- IT WOULD MEAN A
GREAT DEAL TO ME, SAM.
- OKAY, WINNIE, SEEING AS
HOW YOU'RE THE PRETTIEST GIRL
ON THE BLOCK, IF THAT'S
WHAT YOU WANT, YOU GOT IT.
- THANK YOU, SAM.
- HI, SAM.
HOW ARE THINGS DOWN
AT THE LODGE HALL?
- OH, NOT TOO BAD.
BOYS WANT TO CONGRATULATE
YOU ON YOUR BIRTHDAY.
- THANKS A LOAD. SOME BIRTHDAY.
- AND CONGRATULATIONS ON
YOUR INTERESTING GIFT FROM DOBIE.
- PRETTY SCARY, HUH?
- NO, NO, AS A MATTER OF
FACT I THINK IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
- SAM, HAVE YOU BEEN WEARING
YOUR POLICEMAN'S
CAP TOO TIGHT AGAIN?
- WHAT'D I TELL YA?
- YOU SEE, HERBERT?
EVERYBODY LIKES YOUR PRESENT.
- SURE, HERB, YOU GOTTA BE NUTS
NOT TO BE NUTS ABOUT IT.
I MEAN, NUTS.
- OKAY, YOU TAKE IT.
- OH, NO, NO, NO.
IT'S YOUR PRESENT.
WHO ELSE DESERVES IT?
- SAM, THAT WASN'T A
VERY NICE THING TO SAY.
- TAKE MY WORD FOR IT, HERBERT.
ANYBODY WOULD BE PROUD
TO HAVE SUCH A PRESENT.
- AW, COME OFF IT, WINNIE.
- SURE, WAIT TILL YOU SEE
SOME OF THE CUSTOMERS
COME IN AND TAKE A LOOK AT
THAT, THEY'LL BE CRAZY ABOUT IT.
- THIS THING?
A DOG WOULDN'T EVEN
HAVE THE NERVE TO BURY IT.
BUT IF THAT'S A SAMPLE OF WHAT
THEY CALL TASTE AROUND HERE
THEN THIS IS WHAT
THEY'RE GOING TO GET.
I'LL GIVE IT TO 'EM FOR
CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.
DOBIE! DOBIE!
- [ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
- HERB, HERB, YOU
BETTER NOT DO THAT.
- DAD, DID YOU CALL?
- YES, WHERE DID YOU GET THIS
THING AND HOW MUCH DID IT COST?
AND IF THE ANSWER
TO THE SECOND PART
OF THE QUESTION
IS MORE THAN $2.00,
DON'T BOTHER
ANSWERING THE FIRST PART.
- OH, MAYNARD'S SELLING
THEM FOR A DOLLAR AND A HALF
DOWN AT THE ARMY, NAVY
AND CIVILIAN SURPLUS STORE.
LOOK, DAD, I KNOW YOU EXPECTED
A DIFFERENT KIND OF PRESENT,
BUT YOU SEE, WELL, I HAD...
- I'M GOING TO BUY A
COUPLE A DOZEN OF THEM.
- BYE.
- YOU ARE?
OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
LOOK, MAKE SURE YOU
ORDER FROM MAYNARD
SO HE'LL GET THE COMMISSION.
- HERBERT, LISTEN TO ME.
- WINNIE, PLEASE, I AM THE
BUSINESS BRAINS OF THIS OUTFIT
AND I KNOW THAT I AM DOING.
- HE'LL MAKE A BIG
MAN OUT OF MAYNARD.
- AND A BUM OUT OF ME.
- TWO DOZEN? ARE YOU
SURE, MR. GILLIS, SIR?
- MAYNARD, DON'T ARGUE WITH ME.
I WANT TWO DOZEN OF
THOSE... THOSE THINGS
YOU'RE SELLING DOWN THERE
AND I WANT THEM DELIVERED TODAY.
- YES, SIR. YES,
SIR, MR. GILLIS, SIR.
MY FRIEND MR. GILLIS, SIR,
WANTS TO ORDER TWO DOZEN
OF THEM POWER MOWERS!
- SEE, HARRY?
MOVING HIM UP WAS THE
SMARTEST THING I EVER DID.
- AW, YOU LISTEN.
SOMETHING FISHY ABOUT THIS.
GIVE ME THAT PHONE.
HELLO, MR. GILLIS?
WOULD YOU MIND
REPEATING THAT ORDER?
TWO DOZEN OF THE THINGS
THAT KREBS IS SELLING?
YES, SIR.
THAT'S WHAT HE SAID YOU SAID.
HE WANTS TO GIVE
THEM TO HIS CUSTOMERS
FOR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.
- POWER MOWERS FOR
CHRISTMAS PRESENTS?
WHAT IS THIS GILLIS,
SOME KIND OF A NUT?
- YES, SIR, MR. GILLIS.
NO YARD SHOULD BE WITHOUT THEM.
- YARD? THEY'LL PROBABLY
KEEP THEM ON THEIR MANTELPIECE
OR ON TOP OF THE TELEVISION SET.
- YOU'RE RIGHT, MR. GILLIS.
THAT'S THE PLACE
FOR THEM ALL RIGHT.
SAY, WE BETTER GET
THOSE THINGS OVER THERE
BEFORE THE GUYS
WITH THE WHITE COATS
COME AND TAKE HIM AWAY.
MR. GILLIS, WE'LL DELIVER
THEM THIS AFTERNOON.
THAT'S CASH ON DELIVERY,
THOUGH. IT'S A POLICY OF THE HOUSE.
- CASH ON DELIVERY?
24 TIMES A BUCK AND A HALF...
WINNIE, HAVE WE GOT ABOUT
40 BUCKS IN THE CASH REGISTER?
- YES, I THINK SO BUT, HERBERT,
YOU SHOULDN'T BE HASTY ABOUT...
- CERTAINLY IT'S
CASH ON DELIVERY.
POLICY OF MY HOUSE.
- WAIT A MINUTE.
LET'S SEE, TWO
DOZEN POWER MOWERS
AT 49.99 EACH...
[MUTTERING] THAT'S A 6...
OH, NO, MISTAKE.
HEY, THAT'S OVER 1,000 BUCKS!
- I KNOW IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE
BUT I SAW THAT
KREBS BOY ON THE BUS
AND HE SWORE THAT OLD
TIGHTWAD, HERBERT GILLIS,
WAS GIVING AWAY POWER
MOWERS AS CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.
- MAYBE. LAST YEAR HE
GAVE AWAY FREE STICKS
OF CHEWING GUM.
- YES, I REMEMBER, THREE
STICKS TO A CUSTOMER.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
- I PHONED MY SISTER-IN-LAW.
AFTER ALL, SHE BOUGHT SOME
THINGS HERE SIX YEARS AGO,
SO I FIGURE SHE'S ENTITLED
TO A POWER MOWER.
- MRS. EVANS,
I CONSIDER THAT
A VERY DIRTY TRICK
TO PLAY ON POOR HERBERT GILLIS.
- WHERE YOU GOING?
- TO PHONE MY SISTER-IN-LAW.
- THERE HE IS.
[LAUGHING]
- AH, MR. GILLIS, YOU DARLING.
- NO, NO, NO, LADIES,
DON'T THANK ME.
I OWE IT TO YOU FOR
BEING SUCH LOYAL FRIENDS,
ALTHOUGH SOME OF YOU LOOK
MORE LIKE LOYAL STRANGERS.
- YOU REMEMBER THAT TIME I
SAID YOU WEIGHED YOUR THUMB
ALONG WITH THE POT ROAST?
WELL, OF COURSE,
I WAS JUST JOSHING
BECAUSE AFTER ALL, HOW
HEAVY CAN ONE LITTLE THUMB BE.
[LAUGHING]
- MR. GILLIS, YOU KNOW
WHEN I CALLED YOU
A CHEAP, MISERABLE CROOK?
- MM-HMM.
THAT WASN'T ME TALKING.
THAT WAS MY POOR FEET.
THEY KILL ME IN HOT WEATHER.
- NOW, QUIET, QUIET, LADIES.
ALL THIS COMMOTION
OVER ONE LITTLE GIFT. [CHUCKLES]
- ONE LITTLE GIFT INDEED.
LISTEN TO THE MODEST FELLOW.
- THEY'RE FANTASTIC GIFTS.
NOW WE WON'T HAVE TO BORROW
THEM FROM OUR NEIGHBORS.
- BORROW THEM?
- YEAH, YOU SEE,
MY HUSBAND'S GOING
TO BUILD A SHED
TO KEEP OURS IN.
- A SHED?
- I'M GOING TO KEEP
OUR OILED AT ALL TIMES.
- OH. WELL, WITH ALL THE
NEW CUSTOMERS I GOT
I SHOULD HAVE ORDERED A
LOT MORE CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.
- I SHOULD THINK YOU
SHOULD, BECAUSE AFTER ALL,
I INVITED THE ENTIRE CIVIC
BETTERMENT & MAHJONG CLUB.
[LAWNMOWERS BUZZING]
- WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
[SHOUTING DROWNED OUT BY MOWERS]
- WHAT IS THIS,
SOME SORT OF A GARDENER'S
DRAG RACE OR SOMETHING?
GET THESE THINGS OUT OF HERE.
- OUR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.
MR. GILLIS, YOU'RE A DOLL.
I COULD KISS YOU.
- I WILL.
- I TAKE BACK PRACTICALLY
ALL THE MEAN THINGS
I EVER SAID ABOUT YOU.
- I KNOW, BUT...
- YOU MAY BE A
TIGHTWAD, MR. GILLIS,
BUT YOUR OUR TIGHTWAD.
- I KNOW, BUT JUST A MINUTE NOW.
CHRISTMAS PRESENTS,
CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
WHAT DO YOU GUYS
THINK YOU'RE DOING HERE?
- OH, HERE YOU ARE... TWO
DOZEN POWER MOWERS
AT $49.99 APIECE,
AND TO SHOW YOU WE GOT HEART,
YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT
THE EXTRA PENNIES.
- QUIT TALKING THROUGH YOUR HAT,
I DIDN'T ORDER THOSE HOT RODS.
I ORDERED THOSE THINGS
THAT MAYNARD WAS SELLING.
- SURPRISE! AH, HA HA HA!
- HE'S SELLING THESE.
NOW THE CASH, PLEASE, GILLIS.
LET'S SEE, THAT'S
$49.00 TIMES TWO DOZEN.
- TIMES TWO DOZEN?
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE, HEY, HEY!
COME BACK! COME BACK!
[COMMOTION]
- OKAY, LADIES!
THE REST OF THE
MOWERS ARE IN THE TRUCK.
HELP YOURSELVES.
- AND MERRY CHRISTMAS.
[SOBBING]
- YOU'RE RIGHT, MAYNARD,
IT IS SPOOKY TO SEE
A GROWN MAN CRY.
IT'S AMAZING, MAYNARD.
SINCE DAD GAVE
OUT THOSE PRESENTS
BUSINESS IN THE STORE
HAS ZOOMED UP OVER 14%.
PROBABLY HAVE THOSE POWER MOWERS
PAID OFF IN ONLY 11 OR 12 YEARS.
- I MADE OUT, LIKE, PRETTY
GOOD, TOO, YOU KNOW.
- YEAH, THE COMMISSION
ON ALL THOSE MOWERS.
- YEAH, THEY PAID
ME OFF IN THESE.
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- MAYNARD, YOU KNOW
PERFECTLY WELL WHAT I'M DOING.
IT'S WHAT SOME PEOPLE CALL WORK.
- WORK?!
- MAYNARD, HOW MANY
TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH WORK?
- WORK?!
- DOBE, DO YOU HAVE
TO SAY THAT WORD?
- WHAT WORD, WORK?
- WORK?!
DO YOU HAVE TO SAY IT
I MEAN, IF YOU'RE
GONNA KEEP SNEAKING IT
INTO THE CONVERSATION COULDN'T
YOU, LIKE, ACT IT OUT OR DO IT
IN SIGN LANGUAGE INSTEAD?
- MAYNARD, I'M ASHAMED OF YOU.
ALL THIS SCREAMING
AND CARRYING ON ABOUT...
WELL, ALL RIGHT, ALL THIS
SCREAMING AND CARRYING ON
ABOUT...
- THANKS, GOOD BUDDY,
YOU'RE ALL HEART.
- LOOK, EVERYBODY HAS
TO GO TO... SOMETIME.
I'M DOING IT BECAUSE
FRIDAY'S MY FATHER'S BIRTHDAY
AND I HAVE TO... TO
MAKE ENOUGH MONEY
TO BUY HIM A PRESENT.
BESIDES... BUILDS A
FELLOW CHARACTER.
- MAN, JUST HEARING ABOUT
IT IS TOO MUCH... FOR ME.
MAYNARD, THIS TERRIBLE
FEAR YOU HAVE IS A SICKNESS.
- IS THERE, LIKE, A CURE?
- SURE, GO TO...
- I'D RATHER BE SICK.
- I'M YOUR BEST FRIEND
AND I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU,
NOW YOU'VE GOT
TO FACE UP TO LIFE
AND STOP TRYING TO AVOID
YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES.
- YOU'RE RIGHT, GOOD BUDDY.
- YEAH.
- MAN, IT'S A LUCKY THING THE
RUSSIANS AIN'T GOT YOUR BRAIN.
I'LL DO IT. I'LL GO TO W...
- WORK.
- OOH, WHAT YOU SAID.
- MAYNARD!
♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
[SCATTING] ♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
SHEER HONESTY
COMPELS ME TO REPORT
THAT MAYNARD'S TERRIBLE
FEAR OF WORK IS NOT UNUSUAL
AMONG HIS GENERATION. I KNOW.
I USED TO HOLD THE SCHOOL RECORD
FOR THE LONGEST ELAPSED TIME
SPENT SQUIRMING OUT OF JOBS.
- THEN ONE DAY
SOMETHING HAPPENED,
SOMETHING MADE ME
CHANGE, MADE ME GROW UP.
IT WAS WHEN I HEARD A
LITTLE VOICE SAY TO ME...
- GET TO WORK, BOY,
OR I WILL THROW YOU INTO
MANUAL TRAINING SCHOOL.
- AND WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT?
SINCE THAT MOMENT THERE
HASN'T BEEN A LAZY BONE
IN MY BODY.
MAYNARD'S IN MUCH WORSE
SHAPE THAN I EVER WAS, DAD.
I MENTIONED WORK AND HE
WENT INTO A STATE OF SHOCK.
- WITH MAYNARD
THAT'S AN IMPROVEMENT.
- GOT TO DO
SOMETHING TO HELP HIM.
- OH, YOU'RE A GOOD BOY, DOBIE.
THERE AREN'T MANY KIDS
WHO'D KNOCK THEMSELVES OUT
TRYING TO HELP THE POOR,
MISERABLE, KOOKY-TYPE CREEP.
- YOU RANG?
- DAD AND I HAVE BEEN
THINKING ABOUT YOUR PROBLEM.
- WHENEVER MY FATHER
THINKS ABOUT IT, HE CRIES.
- MAYNARD.
- DID YOU EVER SEE
A GROWN MAN CRY? IT'S SPOOKY.
- MAYNARD.
- ONCE HE CRIED FOR TWO DAYS
STRAIGHT RIGHT THROUGH MEALS
AND WATCHING
TELEVISION AND SLEEPING,
EVEN WENT BACK TO WORK. WORK?!
- THIS BOY'S WORSE
OFF THAN I THOUGHT.
COME HERE A MINUTE, MAYNARD,
I GOT AN IDEA TO HELP YOU.
- OH, FOR JOY.
- YEAH, NOW, LISTEN, MAYNARD,
THE TROUBLE SEEMS
TO BE IN YOUR HEAD,
SO THAT'S WHERE
WE'LL START THE CURE.
- TAKE MY HEAD, MR. GILLIS,
DO WHATEVER YOU WANT WITH IT.
- DON'T TEMPT ME.
NOW, MAYNARD, WE'RE GONNA
TRY A LITTLE EXPERIMENT.
- CAREFUL, DAD, YOU'RE
DEALING WITH A HUMAN MIND.
- THAT'S OPEN TO
QUESTION BUT DON'T WORRY,
WE'LL TRY TO CURE
YOU GRADUALLY, SEE?
- NOW FIRST OF ALL
REPEAT AFTER ME:
- W... - W... - O... - O...
- R...
- R...
- K...
- K...
- PUT THEM ALL
TOGETHER, THEY SPELL
- MOTHER?
- NO, WORK!
- WORK?!
- OH, THIS GUY'S OLD
MAN'S GOT A RIGHT TO CRY.
- NO, DAD, IT'S OUR DUTY
AS MAYNARD'S FRIENDS
TO HELP HIM FIND A JOB.
IT'S THE ONLY THING
THAT MIGHT CURE HIM
BEFORE HE GOES
COMPLETELY TO PIECES.
- YOU'RE RIGHT, SON.
WE'RE KIND TO
STRAY CATS AND DOGS
AND OTHER STRANGE
ANIMALS. WHY NOT MAYNARD?
- YOU'RE, LIKE, A REAL
HUMAN BEING, MR. G.
- THINK NOTHING OF IT.
HERE, LET'S LOOK AT THE
HELP WANTED ADS, HUH?
- OH, DO I, LIKE, GOTTA?
- YOU, LIKE, GOTTA.
MAYNARD, THIS IS YOUR CHANCE
TO BE LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE,
TO BE ACCEPTED BY THE WORLD.
- I'M READY, BUT IS THE WORLD?
- HERE WE ARE, "HELP WANTED,
"YOUNG MAN, BRIGHT,
ALERT, CLEAN,
PERSONABLE, DEBONAIR..."
- SO FAR THAT'S ME, ALL
RIGHT, LIKE, PLEASE CONTINUE.
- DAD.
"BIG SALES COMMISSIONS
GUARANTEED.
APPLY AT ARMY NAVY AND
CIVILIAN SURPLUS STORE."
- ME? A SALESMAN?
- WHY NOT? ALL YOU
HAVE TO DO IS TALK
AND CONVINCE PEOPLE THEY
OUGHT TO BUY WHAT YOU'RE SELLING.
- HEY, I COULD SO
THAT. I'M, LIKE, GLIB-LIKE.
- HERE'S THE ADDRESS, MAYNARD.
NOW, YOU GET DOWN THERE
AND LAND THAT JOB.
- OH, I'LL DO IT, GOOD
BUDDY, I'LL DO IT.
DON'T WORRY, YOU'LL
BE PROUD OF ME.
I'LL SHOW THEM CATS
DOWN AT THE ARMY AND NAVY
AND CIVILIAN SURPLUS
STORE THE MOST SHREWDEST,
CLEVEREST, MOST-TYPE
SALESMAN THEY EVER SAW.
- YEAH, WHERE YOU
GONNA FIND HIM?
- DAD.
- OH, OH, YES.
YOU, MAYNARD.
LISTEN, GOOD LUCK, BOY.
YOU GO DOWN THERE
AND GRAB THAT JOB
AND SHOW HIM YOU
GOT WHAT IT TAKES, HUH?
[LAUGHS]
- WHATEVER IT TAKES,
THIS CRUMMY
MONSTER AIN'T GOT IT.
ONLY SOME LUNKHEAD
WOULD BUY THIS.
- PLEASE, PLEASE?
- "WHAT A DEAL I
MADE," YOU TOLD ME.
FOUR DOZEN BEAUTIFUL
CONFUCIUS STATUES
WITH CLOCKS IN
THEIR STOMACHS YET.
- THEY WERE A STEAL.
- THEN YOU SHOULDN'T
HAVE STOLE THEM.
THE CLOCKS ARE SIX HOURS SLOW
AND CONFUCIUS IS NAUSEOUS.
- OKAY, OKAY, DON'T RUB IT IN.
DO I KEEP HARPING
ABOUT THAT SWEET DEAL
YOU LET GO DOWN THE DRAIN?
TAKE IT FROM ME, PAL.
THE PUBLIC ISN'T READY
YET FOR A GIMMICK LIKE THAT.
- HARRY...
- YEAH, AND WHAT WAS THE GIMMICK
THEY PROBABLY WASN'T READY FOR?
BALLPOINT PENS.
- THAT'S THE GIMMICK THE
PUBLIC WASN'T READY FOR YET.
- ALL RIGHT, SO I GOOFED!
BUT IT'S BETTER
THAN GETTING STUCK
WITH THIS CORNY, RIDICULOUS,
SCREWY-LOOKING MESS.
- YOU RANG?
- [WHISPERING]
A CUSTOMER, SORT OF.
- HEY, YOU FELLOWS
MUST BE THE BOSSES, HUH?
- OKAY, WE KNOW WHAT
WE ARE, WHAT ARE YOU?
- I LIKE, DUG, YOUR
S.O.S. AND I'M YOUR MAN.
- I WONDER, COULD WE
SUE THE NEWSPAPER?
- FELLA, YOU WOULDN'T LIKE
IT HERE. THERE'S NO SALARY
AND EVEN WITH THE COMMISSIONS
YOU DON'T MAKE ANY MONEY.
THE HOURS ARE LONG AND THE
CONDITIONS HERE ARE MISERABLE.
- WELL, WHY WOULDN'T
I, LIKE, LIKE IT?
- KID, DID THEY LET YOU
COME ALL THE WAY DOWN HERE
ALL BY YOURSELF?
- NO, SIR, BY STREETCAR.
- OH, BY STREETCAR.
HARRY, YOU TALK TO HIM. YOU
GOT A STRONGER STOMACH.
- JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE,
HUH? PLEASE, MR. BOSSES.
I'LL GIVE IT EVERYTHING I GOT.
I'LL SELL THESE
AND THESE AND, OOH,
LIKE, STAND BACK, I GOTTA LOOK.
MAN, THESE ARE THE
MOST BEAUTIFUL JAZZ-BOS
I EVER SAW.
- YOU LIKE THEM?
- YEAH, THEY'RE, LIKE,
SOMETHING I'D GIVE MY MOTHER.
- POOR OLD DAME.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- HE LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING WE
SHOULD HAVE ON SALE IN HERE.
- WE CAN'T BE CHOOSY.
WE'VE HAD THE AD IN THE
PAPER AND NOBODY'S SHOWED UP.
- AGAIN, NOBODY SHOWED UP.
- HE THINKS CONFUCIUS
IS BEAUTIFUL.
- SO DID MRS. CONFUCIUS.
LOOK, HARRY, WE CAN'T HIRE...
- CHARLIE, HE LOVES
THE STATUE SO MUCH
THAT WHEN IT COMES
TO SELLING THEM
HE'LL GIVE THEM THAT
OLD REFORM SCHOOL PITCH.
- ALL RIGHT, WHAT COULD
BE A BIGGER MISTAKE
THAN BALLPOINT PENS?
- RIGHT.
- HEY, KID?
- IT, LIKE, REMINDS ME
OF A GIRL I USED
TO KNOW IN SCHOOL,
THE FACE, LIKE, REMINDS ME.
SHE DIDN'T EXACTLY
WEAR HER WATCH... THERE.
- OKAY. SO THERE
ARE WORSE MISTAKES
THAN MISSING OUT
ON BALLPOINT PENS.
- QUIET. YOUNG MAN,
UH, WE'VE DECIDED
TO BE VERY LARGE-HEARTED
AND GIVE YOU THE JOB.
- OH, BLESS YOU,
SIRS, BLESS YOU.
MAYNARD G. KREBS,
CITIZEN OF JOBSVILLE
WILL NEVER FORGET YOU.
- YES, SIR. MAYNARD GOT THAT JOB
AND HE DID IT THE HARD WAY,
BY SELLING HIMSELF.
I MEAN, LET'S FACE IT, IF
YOU CAN SELL MAYNARD,
YOU CAN SELL ANYTHING.
RIGHT AWAY HE PUT HIS
SALES TECHNIQUES TO WORK.
- NO!
- HIS GLIB TONGUE
AND SMOOTH APPROACH
OCCASIONALLY MET WITH
A LITTLE SALES RESISTANCE.
- NO!
- HE REFUSED TO LET THE
CUSTOMERS RUFFLE HIM.
THROUGH IT ALL HE REMAINED
CALM, CONFIDENT, SELF-ASSURED.
- I SAID NO, AND I MEAN NO.
- NO, DID YOU
HEAR ME? I SAID NO!
AND I MEAN NO. I
SAID NO, NO, NO.
- HEY, DOBE.
- HEY, THE CONQUERING
HERO RETURNS.
I BET YOU KNOCKED 'EM
DEAD DOWN IN THAT STORE.
- NO.
- YOU DID GREAT?
- WELL, NOT EXACTLY.
- SENSATIONAL?
- WELL...
- FABULOUS?
- NO.
- MISERABLE.
- THAT'S THE WORD.
- MAN.
- OOH, IT WAS, LIKE, AWFUL,
DOBE, I WORKED ALL DAY
AND I COULDN'T SELL ONE OF
THEM BEAUTIFUL STOMACH CLOCKS.
- THEY FIRED YOU?
- NO, THEY SAID COME
IN AGAIN TOMORROW.
- TO SELL CLOCKS?
- TO SCRUB FLOORS.
- OH, THOSE LOWDOWN CROOKS,
EXPLOITING INNOCENT CHILD LABOR.
- NO, IT'S MY OWN FAULT, DOBE.
I COULDN'T DO GOOD AT NOTHIN'.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S NOT TRUE.
- I'M, LIKE, REAL
BAD AT DOING GOOD
AND REAL GOOD AT DOING BAD.
- NOW, LISTEN MAYNARD.
- OH, DOBE,
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE CURED ME.
I WAS BETTER OFF WHEN I WAS SICK
AND, LIKE, SCARED
OF WORK. WORK?!
- MAYNARD.
- DOBE, IT'S COMING BACK AGAIN.
- MAYNARD.
- WORK?! WORK?! WORK?! WORK?!
- MAYNARD! MAYNARD,
PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.
MAYNARD WAS IN A BAD WAY.
I MEAN, EVEN FOR MAYNARD
HE WAS IN A BAD WAY,
AND THAT'S ABOUT AS
BAD AS YOU CAN GET.
THE SITUATION WAS DESPERATE
AND IT CALLED FOR
DESPERATE MEASURES.
- BUY A CLOCK FROM MAYNARD?
I'M NOT THAT DESPERATE.
- ZELDA, IT'S GOT TO BE DONE
TO SAVE MAYNARD FROM
A WASTED, UNHAPPY LIFE.
- FOR YOU, POOPSIE, I'LL DO IT.
- ZELDA!
MAYNARD'S SUFFERING
AND SHE'S WRINKLING.
LOOK, JUST GO INTO THAT STORE
AND BUY A BUNCH OF CLOCKS
BUT PRETEND YOU DON'T KNOW HIM.
- OKAY, SNOOKUMS, BUT I'M BROKE.
WHAT DO I USE FOR MONEY?
- I'LL GIVE YOU THE MONEY.
I WAS SAVING IT UP TO BUY MY
FATHER A CLASSY BIRTHDAY PRESENT
BUT SOMEHOW WHEN
MAYNARD HAS A PROBLEM,
IT'S ALWAYS A TERRIBLE PROBLEM.
- DOBIE, YOU ARE THE SWEETEST,
KINDEST, MOST CONSIDERATE GUY
IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
- THAT'S TRUE, ZELDA.
- IF YOU ASK ME
NICE I'LL KISS YA.
- IF YOU GET DOWN THERE AND
SAVE MAYNARD'S JOB, I'LL LET YA.
- GILLIS, BABY, ARE YOU
ACTUALLY SUGGESTING
THAT I, CHATSWORTH OSBORNE,
JR. ENTER AN ESTABLISHMENT
CALLED THE ARMY, NAVY
AND CIVILIAN SURPLUS STORE?
- BUT IT'S FOR SUCH
A GOOD CAUSE.
- OH?
- MAYNARD.
- OUCH, DOBIE-DOO,
YOU STRUCK A NERVE.
WE MEMBERS OF THE SOCIALLY
ELITE CONSIDER IT OUR DUTY
TO CARE FOR THE DOWN-AND-OUT.
- ATTA BOY, CHATSWORTH.
- AND ONE MUST ADMIT THAT KREBS
IS LOWER DOWN AND FARTHER OUT
THAN ANYONE IN THIS TOWN.
- THEN YOU'LL DO IT?
- VERY WELL. NOBLESSE OBLIGE.
- NO, MAYNARD KREBS.
- I'VE HEARD OF THE HOI-POLLOI,
BUT HOW HOI CAN YOU
GET? THE CURRENCY, PLEASE.
- CHATSWORTH, YOU
GOTTA BE KIDDING.
WITH ALL YOUR LOOT, WHAT DO YOU
NEED WITH MY MEASLY FEW BUCKS?
- WELL, I'M JUST FOLLOWING
ON OUR FAMILY MOTTO
UNDER THE CREST:
NOLI STILTA MISERERE.
- A PENNY SAVED
IS A PENNY EARNED?
- NOT QUITE.
NEVER GIVE A SUCKER
AN EVEN BREAK.
THE CURRENCY, PLEASE.
- YEAH.
- OH, HOW QUAINT. ONES!
- WELL, OFF TO HUNT.
TALLY-HO!
OFF TO THE HUNT! TALLY-HO!
- LOOK, I'VE HEARD OF HARD
SELL, I'VE HEARD OF SOFT SELL,
I'VE HEARD OF GRAB 'EM AND
TWIST 'EM BY THE ARM SELL,
BUT NO SELL?
- WE GOTTA GET RID
OF THE POOR SLOB.
HE'S GOT THE KIND OF
PERSONALITY THAT MAKES PEOPLE
BRING BACK THINGS
THEY DIDN'T EVEN BUY.
- OH, A CUSTOMER.
- HOW DO THERE?
- YES, MADAM.
- YES, YES, YES.
- STAND BACK, YOU RASCALS.
I DON'T LIKE YOUR SNEAKY FACES.
I WILL DO BUSINESS
ONLY WITH A FACE I TRUST.
- BUT MRS...
- NOW, DON'T ARGUE
WITH ME, YOU PHONIES.
CAN'T YOU SEE I'M AN
ECCENTRIC LITTLE OLD LADY?
- AHA!
NOW THERE'S A FACE I
CAN DO BUSINESS WITH.
- THAT FACE?
- IT'S HONEST.
- YEAH, IT'S TOO STUPID
TO BE ANYTHING ELSE.
- I MUST SPEAK TO THAT FINE,
UPSTANDING YOUNG FACE.
OUT OF MY WAY, CHARLATANS.
HOW DO, FINE,
UPSTANDING YOUNG MAN.
- HOW DO, FINE,
UPSTANDING OLD LADY.
I AM MAYNARD G.
KREBS AT YOUR SERVICE.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO
BUY... NO OFFENSE,
BUT I DON'T I KNOW YOU
FROM SOMEPLACE, MA'AM?
- IMPOSSIBLE, I'VE
NEVER BEEN THERE.
NOW, YOUNG MAN, WHICH
IS YOUR DEPARTMENT?
- OH, I'M, LIKE, SELLING
THESE BEAUTIFUL
WORKS OF BEAUTIFUL ART.
YOU LOOK JUST LIKE A
CHICK I KNOW FROM SCHOOL.
- CHICK, WHAT A
SWEET THING TO SAY
TO AN ECCENTRIC LITTLE OLD LADY.
- JUST AN ECCENTRIC
LITTLE OLD CHICK.
- YOUR SALES TECHNIQUE
IS IRRESISTIBLE.
I'LL TAKE TWO OF THESE.
- LIKE, NO.
- GOOD HEAVENS, I CAN'T FIGHT
YOUR SUPER SALESMANSHIP.
DOUBLE THE ORDER.
- FOUR CLOCKS?!
- SUCH PERSONALITY, FIVE.
- OOH, I KNOW THESE
CLOCKS WILL FIND
A GOOD HOME WITH YOU,
MA'AM. LIKE, AHA, I REMEMBER YOU.
YOU'RE PRETTIER, BUT
YOU LOOK JUST LIKE A CHICK
THAT SITS IN FRONT OF
ME IN HISTORY CLASS.
FUNNY-LOOKING OLD ZELDA GILROY.
- THANKS. I MEAN,
UH, HOW POLITE,
AS WELL AS FINE AND UPSTANDING,
THINKING I LOOK
LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL.
GIVE ME ANOTHER CLOCK.
- THAT BOY'S A
NATURAL-BORN SALESMAN.
- THE OLD DAME'S A
NATURAL-BORN SHNOOK.
- YOU WATCH NOW OR THAT
FINE, UPSTANDING YOUNG MAN
WILL OWN THIS STORE AND
YOU'LL BE WORKING FOR HIM.
- CHARLIE, DID YOU
SEE WHAT I SAW?
- OH, OF COURSE NOT. THE
WHOLE THING WAS IMPOSSIBLE.
NO, IT'S GOT TO BE A FLUKE.
WHO'D BUY ANYTHING
FROM THAT BOOB
EXCEPT SOME SCREWY ECCENTRIC.
[FLAMENCO-TYPE FOOT STOMPS]
- ¡OLÉ, MUCHACHOS!
- QUICK! WHERE'S
THE FLY SWATTER?
- EN ROUTE TO MY FLAMENCO LESSON
I DECIDED TO HONOR YOUR
SLOVENLY ESTABLISHMENT
BY DROPPING IN TO PURCHASE
AN EXPENSIVE TRINKET
FOR MY DANCING MASTER.
[FLAMENCO FOOT STOMPS]
- HOW'S THAT FOR
ZAPATEADO, EH, AMIGOS?
- HE'S GOT TO BE RICH.
HE'S TOO LOONY TO BE LOONY.
- OUR ENTIRE SLOVENLY
ESTABLISHMENT
IS AT YOUR SERVICE.
- A DISMAL PROSPECT.
THERE'S NOBODY HERE I
CARE TO DEAL WITH EXCEPT...
THAT STERLING-LOOKING FELLOW.
- THAT?
- THAT?
- THAT?!
- THAT!
THERE IS STRENGTH AND
HONESTY IN THAT THAT,
IF ONE CAN CALL IT A THAT.
STAND BACK, PEONS.
THAT HONEST THAT
AND THAT HONEST THAT
ALONE WILL WAIT ON ME.
[STOMPING]
- IN THAT GET-UP I CAN'T TELL
IF HE BELONGS IN WHO'S
WHO OR WHAT'S THAT?
- LIKE, GREETINGS,
YOUR HONOR, JARACHA.
- AH, ¿CÓMO ESTÁ?
TELL ME, GAUCHO,
WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN
THE WAY OF KNICK-KNACKS?
- OH, LIKE, THE
KNACKIEST, LIKE, BEHOLD.
- OH, GOD.
- THEY'RE, UH, THEY'RE
INDESCRIBABLE.
- OH, I KNEW A FINE TORTILLA
LIKE YOURSELF WOULD FLIP OVER...
HEY, DON'T I KNOW
YOU FROM SOMEWHERE?
LIKE, MAYBE WE BELONG IN
THE SAME CLUB OR SOMETHING.
- SURELY YOU'RE
JESTING, AMIGO, BABY.
- YOU LOOK LIKE THIS
FELLA I KNOW FROM SCHOOL.
- LOOK, I MUST HAVE ONE
OF THESE SUPERB CREATIONS.
- HE'S BUYING.
- I'M COLLAPSING.
- WHAT ARE YOU ASKING
FOR THESE OBJETS D'ART?
- OH, THEY COST...
- I'LL TAKE THREE.
- THREE?
- FOUR.
BETTER MAKE IT TWO.
- OH, THANK YOU, THANK
YOU, KIND ENCHILADA.
- YOU'RE WELCOME, YES.
- MAN, YOU LOOK JUST
LIKE THIS CAT I KNOW.
- RIDICULOUS.
I AM UNIQUE. HASTA LA VISTA.
- HE SOLD TWO MORE.
- WHERE CAN I GET A DRINK?
- YOU DON'T DRINK.
- I MAY START.
YES, SIR?
- PLEASE, PLEASE,
NO HIGH PRESSURE.
I'M A BUSY, BUSY BUSINESSMAN
AND I HAVE COMPLETE AND
ABSOLUTE SALES RESISTANCE.
TRYING TO SELL ME
ANYTHING IS A WASTE OF TIME.
- WELCOME, YOUNG BUSINESS TYPE.
- GOOD AFTERNOON,
YOUNG SALESMAN.
- YOU LOOK JUST LIKE
SOMEBODY I KNOW.
TODAY EVERYBODY LOOKS
LIKE SOMEBODY I KNOW, EVEN ME.
- COME NOW, IF
PRETENDING YOU KNOW ME
IS YOUR IDEA OF A
SMOOTH SALES APPROACH
YOU'RE ON THE WRONG TRACK.
I HAVE COMPLETE AND
ABSOLUTE SALES RESISTANCE.
I MERELY CAME INTO BROWSE.
- HOW ABOUT BROWSING AT
THESE BEAUTIFUL STOMACH CLOCKS.
- WHAT A SALESMAN.
YOUR PERSONAL
MAGNETISM IS BREAKING DOWN
MY COMPLETE AND
ABSOLUTE SALES RESISTANCE.
- WHO, ME?
- I CAN'T RESIST, I'LL TAKE TWO.
- I ONLY...
- ALL RIGHT THREE
BUT TURN OFF THE
MAGNETISM, I BEG YOU.
- THREE CLOCKS.
- THE GOON HAS STRUCK AGAIN.
- SIR, ARE YOU SURE
YOU'RE NOT MY GOOD BUDDY
WHO I ALWAYS HAVE...
- ABSOLUTELY NOT BUT
THE WAY YOU CAN SELL
I'D BETTER GET OUT OF HERE
BEFORE YOU CONVINCE ME I AM.
- THAT FINE YOUNG MAN
IS A CREDIT TO THIS STORE
AND TO THE WORLD OF
COMMMERCE IN GENERAL.
MY CONGRATULATIONS.
- I TELL YOU IT'S A SECRET
SOMETHING HE'S GOT INSIDE.
- IMPOSSIBLE. HOW COULD
HAVE ENOUGH ON THE INSIDE
TO MAKE UP FOR HE LOOKS
LIKE ON THE OUTSIDE?
- THAT BOY HAS MAGIC.
HE COULD SELL ANYTHING.
LET'S MOVE HIM UP TO
BIGGER AND BETTER THINGS.
- YOU MEAN...
- WHY NOT?
- SWOOSH.
PING. MM, BRRRRRR!
- LIE DOWN, HERBERT,
AND I'LL SEND FOR
DR. INGLEBOCK IMMEDIATELY.
- AW, COME ON, I'M JUST
TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
WHETHER DOBIE'S GOING
TO BUY ME A BOWLING BALL
OR A NEW FISHING REEL
FOR HIS DEAR OLD LOVABLE
DAD'S BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
- HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
DEAR OLD LOVABLE DAD.
- DAD. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAD.
- FOR ME? A BIRTHDAY
PRESENT FOR ME?
OH, GOSH, WHAT A SURPRISE.
WINNIE, ISN'T THIS
THE COMPLETEST,
TOTALEST SURPRISE?
- GOODNESS, YES.
- I WONDER WHAT IT CAN BE.
IT'S TOO BIG FOR A FISHING REEL.
I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO SEE IT.
IT'S NOT BIG ENOUGH
FOR A BOWLING BALL.
OH, BOY, I WONDER WHAT
IT POSSIBLY COULD BE.
- YEAH.
- I STILL GOT NO IDEA
WHAT IT POSSIBLY COULD BE.
- IT'S A STATUE OF CONFUCIUS
WITH A CLOCK IN HIS STOMACH.
- OH, BOY, JUST WHAT
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED.
- WINNIE, EVER SINCE
I WAS A LITTLE BOY
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED A
STATUE OF CONFUCIUS
WITH A CLOCK IN HIS STOMACH.
AND NOW I GOT ONE.
OH, BOY.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.
BIRTHDAY TO ME.
- GEE, MOM, I'M SORRY I
HAD TO LET DAD DOWN.
I HAD A FABULOUS
FISHING REEL ALL LINED UP,
BUT I NEEDED THE
MONEY TO HELP MAYNARD.
- YOU'RE A FINE BOY, DOBIE,
THINKING OF YOUR FRIENDS,
AND DON'T WORRY.
IN TIME, YOUR FATHER
MAY EVEN GROW TO
LIKE YOUR PRESENT.
- DO YOU REALLY THINK SO?
- NO.
- NO.
- HI, WINNIE.
- HI, SAM. HAVE AN APPLE.
- YEAH, THANKS. HA HA.
HEY, STAND BACK. I'LL
BEAT THIS THING TO DEATH.
- AH, DOBIE'S BIRTHDAY
PRESENT TO HIS FATHER.
- KID REALLY HATES HIM, HUH?
- SAM, WOULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR?
- SURE.
- TELL HERBERT THAT
YOU THINK IT'S BEAUTIFUL?
- OH, YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING.
HE'LL SAY I'VE BEEN WEARING
MY POLICE CAP TOO TIGHT.
- PLEASE. I WANT HIM TO THINK
THAT DOBIE GAVE HIM
A WONDERFUL GIFT.
- WELL, JUST SITTING
HERE IT'S VIOLATING
AT LEAST EIGHT CITY
ORDINANCES AND A FEDERAL LAW.
- IT WOULD MEAN A
GREAT DEAL TO ME, SAM.
- OKAY, WINNIE, SEEING AS
HOW YOU'RE THE PRETTIEST GIRL
ON THE BLOCK, IF THAT'S
WHAT YOU WANT, YOU GOT IT.
- THANK YOU, SAM.
- HI, SAM.
HOW ARE THINGS DOWN
AT THE LODGE HALL?
- OH, NOT TOO BAD.
BOYS WANT TO CONGRATULATE
YOU ON YOUR BIRTHDAY.
- THANKS A LOAD. SOME BIRTHDAY.
- AND CONGRATULATIONS ON
YOUR INTERESTING GIFT FROM DOBIE.
- PRETTY SCARY, HUH?
- NO, NO, AS A MATTER OF
FACT I THINK IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
- SAM, HAVE YOU BEEN WEARING
YOUR POLICEMAN'S
CAP TOO TIGHT AGAIN?
- WHAT'D I TELL YA?
- YOU SEE, HERBERT?
EVERYBODY LIKES YOUR PRESENT.
- SURE, HERB, YOU GOTTA BE NUTS
NOT TO BE NUTS ABOUT IT.
I MEAN, NUTS.
- OKAY, YOU TAKE IT.
- OH, NO, NO, NO.
IT'S YOUR PRESENT.
WHO ELSE DESERVES IT?
- SAM, THAT WASN'T A
VERY NICE THING TO SAY.
- TAKE MY WORD FOR IT, HERBERT.
ANYBODY WOULD BE PROUD
TO HAVE SUCH A PRESENT.
- AW, COME OFF IT, WINNIE.
- SURE, WAIT TILL YOU SEE
SOME OF THE CUSTOMERS
COME IN AND TAKE A LOOK AT
THAT, THEY'LL BE CRAZY ABOUT IT.
- THIS THING?
A DOG WOULDN'T EVEN
HAVE THE NERVE TO BURY IT.
BUT IF THAT'S A SAMPLE OF WHAT
THEY CALL TASTE AROUND HERE
THEN THIS IS WHAT
THEY'RE GOING TO GET.
I'LL GIVE IT TO 'EM FOR
CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.
DOBIE! DOBIE!
- [ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
- HERB, HERB, YOU
BETTER NOT DO THAT.
- DAD, DID YOU CALL?
- YES, WHERE DID YOU GET THIS
THING AND HOW MUCH DID IT COST?
AND IF THE ANSWER
TO THE SECOND PART
OF THE QUESTION
IS MORE THAN $2.00,
DON'T BOTHER
ANSWERING THE FIRST PART.
- OH, MAYNARD'S SELLING
THEM FOR A DOLLAR AND A HALF
DOWN AT THE ARMY, NAVY
AND CIVILIAN SURPLUS STORE.
LOOK, DAD, I KNOW YOU EXPECTED
A DIFFERENT KIND OF PRESENT,
BUT YOU SEE, WELL, I HAD...
- I'M GOING TO BUY A
COUPLE A DOZEN OF THEM.
- BYE.
- YOU ARE?
OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
LOOK, MAKE SURE YOU
ORDER FROM MAYNARD
SO HE'LL GET THE COMMISSION.
- HERBERT, LISTEN TO ME.
- WINNIE, PLEASE, I AM THE
BUSINESS BRAINS OF THIS OUTFIT
AND I KNOW THAT I AM DOING.
- HE'LL MAKE A BIG
MAN OUT OF MAYNARD.
- AND A BUM OUT OF ME.
- TWO DOZEN? ARE YOU
SURE, MR. GILLIS, SIR?
- MAYNARD, DON'T ARGUE WITH ME.
I WANT TWO DOZEN OF
THOSE... THOSE THINGS
YOU'RE SELLING DOWN THERE
AND I WANT THEM DELIVERED TODAY.
- YES, SIR. YES,
SIR, MR. GILLIS, SIR.
MY FRIEND MR. GILLIS, SIR,
WANTS TO ORDER TWO DOZEN
OF THEM POWER MOWERS!
- SEE, HARRY?
MOVING HIM UP WAS THE
SMARTEST THING I EVER DID.
- AW, YOU LISTEN.
SOMETHING FISHY ABOUT THIS.
GIVE ME THAT PHONE.
HELLO, MR. GILLIS?
WOULD YOU MIND
REPEATING THAT ORDER?
TWO DOZEN OF THE THINGS
THAT KREBS IS SELLING?
YES, SIR.
THAT'S WHAT HE SAID YOU SAID.
HE WANTS TO GIVE
THEM TO HIS CUSTOMERS
FOR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.
- POWER MOWERS FOR
CHRISTMAS PRESENTS?
WHAT IS THIS GILLIS,
SOME KIND OF A NUT?
- YES, SIR, MR. GILLIS.
NO YARD SHOULD BE WITHOUT THEM.
- YARD? THEY'LL PROBABLY
KEEP THEM ON THEIR MANTELPIECE
OR ON TOP OF THE TELEVISION SET.
- YOU'RE RIGHT, MR. GILLIS.
THAT'S THE PLACE
FOR THEM ALL RIGHT.
SAY, WE BETTER GET
THOSE THINGS OVER THERE
BEFORE THE GUYS
WITH THE WHITE COATS
COME AND TAKE HIM AWAY.
MR. GILLIS, WE'LL DELIVER
THEM THIS AFTERNOON.
THAT'S CASH ON DELIVERY,
THOUGH. IT'S A POLICY OF THE HOUSE.
- CASH ON DELIVERY?
24 TIMES A BUCK AND A HALF...
WINNIE, HAVE WE GOT ABOUT
40 BUCKS IN THE CASH REGISTER?
- YES, I THINK SO BUT, HERBERT,
YOU SHOULDN'T BE HASTY ABOUT...
- CERTAINLY IT'S
CASH ON DELIVERY.
POLICY OF MY HOUSE.
- WAIT A MINUTE.
LET'S SEE, TWO
DOZEN POWER MOWERS
AT 49.99 EACH...
[MUTTERING] THAT'S A 6...
OH, NO, MISTAKE.
HEY, THAT'S OVER 1,000 BUCKS!
- I KNOW IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE
BUT I SAW THAT
KREBS BOY ON THE BUS
AND HE SWORE THAT OLD
TIGHTWAD, HERBERT GILLIS,
WAS GIVING AWAY POWER
MOWERS AS CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.
- MAYBE. LAST YEAR HE
GAVE AWAY FREE STICKS
OF CHEWING GUM.
- YES, I REMEMBER, THREE
STICKS TO A CUSTOMER.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
- I PHONED MY SISTER-IN-LAW.
AFTER ALL, SHE BOUGHT SOME
THINGS HERE SIX YEARS AGO,
SO I FIGURE SHE'S ENTITLED
TO A POWER MOWER.
- MRS. EVANS,
I CONSIDER THAT
A VERY DIRTY TRICK
TO PLAY ON POOR HERBERT GILLIS.
- WHERE YOU GOING?
- TO PHONE MY SISTER-IN-LAW.
- THERE HE IS.
[LAUGHING]
- AH, MR. GILLIS, YOU DARLING.
- NO, NO, NO, LADIES,
DON'T THANK ME.
I OWE IT TO YOU FOR
BEING SUCH LOYAL FRIENDS,
ALTHOUGH SOME OF YOU LOOK
MORE LIKE LOYAL STRANGERS.
- YOU REMEMBER THAT TIME I
SAID YOU WEIGHED YOUR THUMB
ALONG WITH THE POT ROAST?
WELL, OF COURSE,
I WAS JUST JOSHING
BECAUSE AFTER ALL, HOW
HEAVY CAN ONE LITTLE THUMB BE.
[LAUGHING]
- MR. GILLIS, YOU KNOW
WHEN I CALLED YOU
A CHEAP, MISERABLE CROOK?
- MM-HMM.
THAT WASN'T ME TALKING.
THAT WAS MY POOR FEET.
THEY KILL ME IN HOT WEATHER.
- NOW, QUIET, QUIET, LADIES.
ALL THIS COMMOTION
OVER ONE LITTLE GIFT. [CHUCKLES]
- ONE LITTLE GIFT INDEED.
LISTEN TO THE MODEST FELLOW.
- THEY'RE FANTASTIC GIFTS.
NOW WE WON'T HAVE TO BORROW
THEM FROM OUR NEIGHBORS.
- BORROW THEM?
- YEAH, YOU SEE,
MY HUSBAND'S GOING
TO BUILD A SHED
TO KEEP OURS IN.
- A SHED?
- I'M GOING TO KEEP
OUR OILED AT ALL TIMES.
- OH. WELL, WITH ALL THE
NEW CUSTOMERS I GOT
I SHOULD HAVE ORDERED A
LOT MORE CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.
- I SHOULD THINK YOU
SHOULD, BECAUSE AFTER ALL,
I INVITED THE ENTIRE CIVIC
BETTERMENT & MAHJONG CLUB.
[LAWNMOWERS BUZZING]
- WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
[SHOUTING DROWNED OUT BY MOWERS]
- WHAT IS THIS,
SOME SORT OF A GARDENER'S
DRAG RACE OR SOMETHING?
GET THESE THINGS OUT OF HERE.
- OUR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.
MR. GILLIS, YOU'RE A DOLL.
I COULD KISS YOU.
- I WILL.
- I TAKE BACK PRACTICALLY
ALL THE MEAN THINGS
I EVER SAID ABOUT YOU.
- I KNOW, BUT...
- YOU MAY BE A
TIGHTWAD, MR. GILLIS,
BUT YOUR OUR TIGHTWAD.
- I KNOW, BUT JUST A MINUTE NOW.
CHRISTMAS PRESENTS,
CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
WHAT DO YOU GUYS
THINK YOU'RE DOING HERE?
- OH, HERE YOU ARE... TWO
DOZEN POWER MOWERS
AT $49.99 APIECE,
AND TO SHOW YOU WE GOT HEART,
YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT
THE EXTRA PENNIES.
- QUIT TALKING THROUGH YOUR HAT,
I DIDN'T ORDER THOSE HOT RODS.
I ORDERED THOSE THINGS
THAT MAYNARD WAS SELLING.
- SURPRISE! AH, HA HA HA!
- HE'S SELLING THESE.
NOW THE CASH, PLEASE, GILLIS.
LET'S SEE, THAT'S
$49.00 TIMES TWO DOZEN.
- TIMES TWO DOZEN?
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE, HEY, HEY!
COME BACK! COME BACK!
[COMMOTION]
- OKAY, LADIES!
THE REST OF THE
MOWERS ARE IN THE TRUCK.
HELP YOURSELVES.
- AND MERRY CHRISTMAS.
[SOBBING]
- YOU'RE RIGHT, MAYNARD,
IT IS SPOOKY TO SEE
A GROWN MAN CRY.
IT'S AMAZING, MAYNARD.
SINCE DAD GAVE
OUT THOSE PRESENTS
BUSINESS IN THE STORE
HAS ZOOMED UP OVER 14%.
PROBABLY HAVE THOSE POWER MOWERS
PAID OFF IN ONLY 11 OR 12 YEARS.
- I MADE OUT, LIKE, PRETTY
GOOD, TOO, YOU KNOW.
- YEAH, THE COMMISSION
ON ALL THOSE MOWERS.
- YEAH, THEY PAID
ME OFF IN THESE.
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪