The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 2, Episode 4 - Dobie Goes Beatnik - full transcript
Herbert has been elected Grand Exalted Bull Bison of his lodge, the highest position available and one for which he's been aiming ever since he joined the lodge twelve years ago. His election requires the personal approval of the national Grand Exalted Bull Bison, Edward J. McCluskey, who is coming from Cleveland to check out Herbert and all the Gillises, and who will be staying overnight with them. What Herbert tells him is that his son, the upstanding Dobie, does community service by helping beatnik boys, such as Maynard, find their proper way in life. As soon as McCluskey arrives in town and before he and Dobie know who the other is, the two get into an accidental altercation, which would sully the Gillis name in McCluskey's eyes if he knew he was indeed a Gillis. Not wanting to ruin his chances at this his dream position, Herbert asks Dobie and Maynard to switch places, Maynard masquerading as Dobie and Dobie masquerading as Maynard, for McCluskey's benefit. Is there anything that will jeopardize them being able to pull off this scheme, and as such Herbert's position as Grand Exalted Bull Bison?
- SHOULDN'T THEY BE HERE?
- DON'T WORRY.
DOBIE'S NEVER LATE.
HE'S SO DEPENDABLE
AND KIND AND...
- OKAY, CHARLENE, OKAY.
I'VE HEARD ALL ABOUT DOBIE.
WHAT I WANNA KNOW IS
WHAT KIND OF BLIND DATE
DID HE FIND FOR ME?
- DON'T WORRY, JoANN. IF
DOBIE FOUND YOU A BLIND DATE,
YOU CAN BET HE'S A GOOD
ONE. TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.
- YOU RANG?
- OH, IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.
- OH, IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.
IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.
- I'M SORRY. I JUST MEANT...
- MY FATHER'S BEEN SAYING THAT
EVER SINCE THE FIRST
DAY I LEARNED TO TALK.
WHAT A WAY TO TREAT
A NINE-YEAR-OLD KID!
AT SCHOOL EVERYBODY
THINKS "ONLY YOU"
IS, LIKE, MY FIRST NAME.
I ALMOST DIDN'T GRADUATE
FROM GRAMMAR SCHOOL
BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T FIT
"ONLY YOU, MAYNARD G. KREBS"
ON MY DIPLOMA.
- WHAT IS HE?
SOME KIND OF A NUT?
- HE SAYS HE'S A PROTEST CAT.
- THAT'S RIGHT. I'M PROTESTING.
CATS ALL OVER THE
WORLD ARE PROTESTING!
MY WHOLE SOCIAL GROUP
IS, LIKE, PROTESTING!
WE'RE ANGRY YOUNG MEN
AND WE'RE ALL PROTESTING!
- WHAT ARE YOU ANGRY
YOUNG MEN PROTESTING ABOUT?
- I DON'T KNOW, AND THAT'S WHY
I'M SUCH AN ANGRY YOUNG MAN!
- HE'S SPOOKY.
- YES.
I WISH DOBIE WOULD GET
HERE WITH YOUR BLIND DATE.
- THAT'S, LIKE, ME.
- YOU ARE MY BLIND DATE?
- I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D LIKE ME.
- THANKS A LUMP, CHARLENE.
AND BE SURE TO
THANK DOBIE FOR ME.
BECAUSE I WON'T BE HERE!
- I WON'T BE HERE EITHER.
OF ALL THE ROTTEN, LOW,
CONTEMPTIBLE, SNEAKY...
- HOW DO YOU DO, MY DEAR?
- YOU, DOBIE GILLIS,
ARE THE LOWEST.
- WHAT?
- I DON'T WANNA
EVER SEE YOU AGAIN!
- YOU MAY HAVE YOUR HI-Y
PIN AND YOUR FLOWERS!
- BUT, CHARLENE, I LOVE YOU!
- GOODBYE FOREVER!
- WAIT, CHARLENE!
♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
[SCATTING] ♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
I BET YOU THINK YOU KNOW
WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN NEXT.
THE MAN WHO TRIPPED
OVER ME IN THE PARK
WILL TURN OUT TO BE THE
NEW PRINCIPAL OF OUR SCHOOL
OR SOMEONE WHO'S IMPORTANT
TO MY FATHER OR LIKE THAT.
WELL, YOU'RE WRONG.
I MEAN, YOU'RE
WRONG IF YOU THINK
HE'S THE NEW PRINCIPAL
OF OUR SCHOOL OR LIKE THAT.
BUT IMPORTANT TO MY FATHER?
WOW!
ONLY THE MOST IMPORTANT THING
THAT'S HAPPENED TO MY FATHER
SINCE I WAS BORN,
AND HE WAS JUMPY BOTH TIMES.
- WINNIE, WHY ARE YOU
WEARING THAT APRON?
- BECAUSE IT IS
CONSIDERED BAD TASTE
TO WEAR A MINK
COAT WHILE DUSTING.
- ALL RIGHT, GO
AHEAD, DISGRACE ME.
MAKE ME FEEL LIKE TWO CENTS
WHEN EDWARD J. McCLUSKY'S LIABLE
TO WALK THROUGH THAT DOOR
ANY SECOND, EVEN SOONER!
- GOODNESS, HERBERT, THE
WAY YOU'RE CARRYING ON,
YOU'D THINK WE WERE EXPECTING
THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES.
- WELL, FOR YOUR INFORMATION,
THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES
WOULD BE VERY PROUD TO BE
THE NATIONAL GRAND EXALTED
BULL BISON OF THE BISON LODGE
AND GIVE OUT WITH
THE BISON BULL BELLOW!
[BELLOWS]
- AHH!
BELONGING TO THE BISONS
MEANS A GREAT DEAL
TO YOU, DOESN'T IT, DEAR?
- WINNIE, WHEN I WALKED
INTO THAT LODGE HALL
AND SIGNED UP 12 YEARS AGO,
IT WAS PROBABLY THE
MOST IMPORTANT THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME,
OUTSIDE OF MARRYING
YOU, OF COURSE.
- OH, YOU'RE SWEET, DEAR,
AND NOW YOU'RE ON THE THRESHOLD
OF BECOMING THE LOCAL GRAND
EXALTED BULL OF THE BISON LODGE.
I'M SO PROUD.
- IF DUTY CALLS, I MUST ANSWER.
BUT I CAN'T GET
ELECTED, YOU KNOW,
UNLESS THE NATIONAL
GRAND EXALTED BULL BISON
GIVES ME HIS OKAY.
YOU DON'T THINK A BUSY MAN
LIKE EDWARD J. McCLUSKY'S
COMING OUT HERE FROM CLEVELAND
TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH US
JUST FOR THE TRAIN
RIDE, YOU KNOW.
OOH, IF I CAN JUST MAKE THAT
DOBIE KEEP THAT CREEP MAYNARD
OUT OF HERE NOW WHILE...
- MR. GILLIS?
- MR. McCLUSKY?
OH, BROTHER BISON!
- BROTHER BISON!
Both: [BELLOW]
- OH, WELCOME, NATIONAL
GRAND EXALTED BULL BISON,
AND WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
- OH, NEVER MIND.
- OH, YES, THIS IS THE LITTLE
WOMAN, MRS. HERBERT T. GILLIS.
- HOW DO YOU DO, MA'AM?
- I'M PLEASED TO MEET
YOU, MR. McCLUSKY.
I HOPE YOU'LL ENJOY
YOUR VISIT WITH US.
- I BEG YOUR PARDON, MA'AM.
I'M HERE FOR BUSINESS,
NOT FOR ENJOYMENT.
TOP-LEVEL BISON THINKING.
WHEN A MEMBER IS UP
FOR IMPORTANT OFFICE,
WE ALWAYS CHECK
ON HIS FAMILY LIFE.
WHEN A MAN IS LOVED BY HIS KIN,
A GOOD MAN HE HAS BEEN.
- WELL, AND YOU HAVE
COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.
I MAY NOT BE MUCH, BUT
IF THERE IS ONE THING I AM,
IT IS A SOLID FAMILY MAN.
I AM SOLID FROM TOE TO HEAD.
- FINE. NOW I SEE BY THE...
QUALIFICATION REPORT
THAT YOU HAVE A SON, DOPIE?
- UH, THAT'S DOBIE,
SIR, WITH A B.
- YEAH, YEAH, DOBIE. I
MUST MEET THAT BOY.
NOW HERE'S A THOUGHT
YOU SHOULD ALWAYS KEEP
UNDER YOUR CAP.
YOU JUDGE A TREE BY
ITS APPLE, NOT BY ITS SAP.
YOU'LL FIND THOSE WORDS
ON PAGE 63 OF THE
BISON LEADERSHIP MANUAL,
MA'AM. "THOUGHTS FOR THINKING."
- OH, AND A GRAND
THOUGHT IT IS, SIR.
BY THE WAY, WINNIE,
WHERE IS OUR
LITTLE SAP... UH, SON?
- OH, HE OUGHT TO BE HOME
ANY MINUTE NOW. HE'S A FINE BOY.
- I HOPE SO, NOT LIKE THAT
OAF WHO ALMOST KILLED ME
ON MY WAY OVER HERE.
- OH, HOW AWFUL.
- YES. WHAT HAPPENED?
- OH, SOME EMPTY-HEADED
YOUNG SIMPLETON
WAS SO BUSY WATCHING A
GIRL HE DIDN'T EVEN SEE ME.
BOWLED ME RIGHT OVER.
- WELL, FATHERS OF KIDS
LIKE THAT SHOULD BE RUN IN.
THANK GOODNESS, OUR DOBIE
WAS BROUGHT UP BETTER THAN THAT.
- IF YOUR SON HAS
SUCH GOOD MANNERS,
HE SHOULD BE TEACHING HIM
TO THE RUFFIANS OF
THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.
- DOBIE?
- OF COURSE.
SUCH A BOY HAS A DUTY
TO INSTRUCT THOSE LESS
OUTSTANDING THAN HE IS.
- DOBIE! OH, YES!
- BROTHER GILLIS,
NEED I REMIND YOU
THAT THE MOTTO OF THE
BISONS IS "TO LEND A HAND...
- "A HAND TO ONE IN NEED IS
VERY FINE AND GOOD INDEED."
- BROTHER GILLIS,
YOUR SON KNOWS THE
MOTTO, DOES HE NOT?
- OH, HE DOES, HE DOES.
FOR INSTANCE, HE
HAS THIS FRIEND... WELL,
HE'S NOT EXACTLY A FRIEND.
HE'S MORE LIKE A WARD.
OH, THIS KID IS THE MOST
GONE KID IN TOWN, SEE?
NAME OF MAYNARD KREBS.
HE BELONGS TO THE
SLOPPY BEATNIK GROUP,
YOU KNOW, THE DIRTY SNEAKERS,
THE CHIN PIECE, THE WHOLE BIT.
HE IS SO FAR OUT,
EVEN THE BEST BEATNIKS
CAN'T REACH HIM.
AND OUR SON, DOBIE,
OUT OF THE GOODNESS
OF HIS HEART,
HAS TAKEN HIM UNDER HIS WING.
- WELL, WHEN AM I GOING
TO SEE HOW HE HANDLES
THE REHABILITATION
OF THIS DELINQUENT?
- WHEN?
- AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
- OH, AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, YES.
- BULLY! NOW, MA'AM,
IF YOU'LL SHOW ME TO
MY ROOM, I SHALL UNPACK.
- THIS WAY, MR. McCLUSKY.
- OH, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH, MA'AM.
I HOPE YOU HAVEN'T GONE TO
ANY SPECIAL TROUBLE FOR ME.
- OH, NOT AT ALL.
- A GUEST WHO IS
NEVER IN THE WAY
SHALL RETURN A
GUEST ANOTHER DAY.
- DOBIE, I WANNA TALK TO YOU.
- IT WASN'T MY FAULT.
- LISTEN, I WANT YOU TO...
WHAT WASN'T YOUR FAULT?
- I'M NOT SURE YET.
- WELL, WHILE YOU'RE
MAKING UP YOUR MIND,
I WANT YOU GO OVER
AND GET MAYNARD.
MAYNARD?
YES! RIGHT AWAY!
- MY MAYNARD, THE ONLY
YOU, MAYNARD MAYNARD?
- GET GOING, WILL YOU PLEASE?
- BUT, DAD, YOU
DON'T LIKE MAYNARD.
YESTERDAY YOU CALLED HIM
THE LAST LIVING RELIC
OF THE STONE AGE.
- THAT WAS YESTERDAY.
TODAY I WANT HIM OVER HERE, NOW!
- OKAY, BUT I DON'T
KNOW WHERE HE IS.
HE DISAPPEARED RIGHT
AFTER I KNOCKED OVER
THAT FUNNY-LOOKING FAT FELLOW
WITH THE STRIPED
SUIT AND THE SUITCASE.
- WELL, YOU'LL PROBABLY
FIND HIM DOWN AT THE...
WHAT FUNNY-LOOKING FAT FELLOW
WITH A STRIPED
SUIT AND A SUITCASE?
- HE COULDN'T BE
AT THE MALT SHOP.
THEY THREW HIM OUT BECAUSE
HIS ACCOUNT'S TWO YEARS OVERDUE.
- WHAT FUNNY-LOOKING FAT FELLOW?
- AT THE RECORD STORE,
HE'S THREE YEARS OVERDUE.
- WITH WHAT SUITCASE?
- AT THE ROLLER SKATING RINK...
- BOY, YOU ARE NOT
LISTENING TO ME.
- YES, I AM, DAD.
- THEN WHY DON'T YOU
ANSWER MY QUESTION?
- CAUSE I'M SCARED YOU
WON'T LIKE THE ANSWER.
- NOW LET'S APPROACH
THIS WITH A LOT OF CALM.
AFTER YOU KNOCKED OVER...
- MR. GILLIS?
OH, BROTHER GILLIS?
- YES?
- OH, THERE YOU
ARE, BROTHER GILLIS.
I JUST WANTED TO REMIND
YOU TO CALL ME AS SOON
AS YOUR SON COMES HOME.
- OH, I WILL.
- I'M EAGER TO MEET HIM.
- YES, ABSOLUTELY!
- THAT, I TAKE IT,
WOULD BE THE...
- WOULD BE THE
FUNNY-LOOKING FAT FELLOW
WITH THE STRIPED
SUIT AND THE SUITCASE.
- YEAH.
I'LL ADMIT MY DAD
GOT PANICKY AT FIRST.
BUT AFTER A FEW
MINUTES, HE CALMED DOWN
AND ATTACKED THE PROBLEM
IN A FAIR, REASONABLE WAY.
DAD, YOU SURE THIS
IS SUCH A GOOD IDEA?
ME LEAVING HOME
FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS?
- I DON'T KNOW. ALL I KNOW
IS THAT IF McCLUSKY
LAYS HIS EYES ON YOU,
I'M A DEAD DUCK.
WHAT AM I SAYING?
A DEAD BISON.
- BUT YOU TOLD
HIM YOU HAD A SON.
WHAT'S HE GONNA THINK
WHEN HE DOESN'T SEE HIM?
- I DON'T CARE! ALL I KNOW
IS THAT I CAN'T LET HIM
CLAMP EYES ON YOU.
- DAD, LOOK.
- NOW LISTEN.
YOU GET DOWN THAT TREE AND I'LL
THROW THE SUITCASE DOWN TO YOU.
- BUT, DAD, YOU JUST CAN'T...
- OH, OF ALL THE ROTTEN BREAKS!
McCLUSKY COMING HERE
EXPECTING ME TO HAVE A NICE FAMILY.
WILL YOU GET GOING, PLEASE?
AND I WIND UP WITH
A SON WHO'S A...
NO GOOD, STUMBLING,
LEFT-HEADED STUMBLEBUM.
- YOU RANG? LIKE, HI, DOBE.
I COME IN THROUGH THE
WINDOW 'CAUSE YOUR FATHER
DON'T WANT ME HANGING AROUND...
LIKE, HI, MR. GILLIS.
LIKE, BYE, MR. GILLIS!
- THIS MAY COME AS A GREAT
SHOCK TO YOU, MAYNARD,
BUT I AM HAPPY TO
SEE YOU, VERY HAPPY.
- ME? MAYNARD?
IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD?
- YES.
NOW LISTEN, MAYNARD,
LISTEN CAREFULLY.
WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT
THING IN THE WORLD TO YOU?
- YOU JOSHING, MAN? JAZZ.
OH, I LIKE JAZZ THE MOST!
AND YOU KNOW WHO'S COMING
TO TOWN TOMORROW NIGHT?
THELONIOUS MONK!
- FINE...
- AND I GET TO SIT WITH
HIM ON THE BONGOS!
- IS THAT GOOD?
- IT'S ONLY THE GREATEST THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED
TO ME, IS ALL.
- FINE. NOW, MAYNARD,
I'M VERY HAPPY FOR YOU.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW WHAT
IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME?
- YOU WEREN'T DRAFTED FOR
THE SPANISH-AMERICAN WAR.
- LIKE, NO! I JOINED THE BISONS!
- THE BISON LODGE?
YOU MEAN THEM
CATS THAT SHOOT POOL
AND WEAR THEM FUNNY HATS
AND SING THEM CORNBALL SONGS?
- KNOCK IT OFF, MISTER!
ALL RIGHT, SO MAYBE
WE DO WEAR FUNNY HATS
AND WE SING CORNY SONGS,
BUT WE ALSO RUN HOSPITALS
AND REHABILITATION CENTERS
AND OLD PEOPLES' HOMES
AND RESEARCH LABS
AND SCHOLASTIC FUNDS.
AND DON'T YOU DARE
KNOCK THE BISONS TO ME!
- I'M, LIKE, SORRY, MR. GILLIS.
- OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT. FORGET IT.
- GEE, DAD, YOU'RE PRETTY
PROUD OF BEING A BISON.
- WE'RE ALL PROUD. IT'S A
PROUD ORGANIZATION, SON.
- YEAH.
- AND I GOT A CHANCE
TO BECOME THE LOCAL
GRAND EXALTED BULL BISON
IF YOU KIDS'LL HELP ME.
- ANYTHING, MR. GILLIS.
- SURE, DAD. WHAT CAN WE DO?
- WELL, YOU BE HIM
AND HE'LL BE YOU.
- HUH?
- WELL, IT'S LIKE A MASQUERADE.
SEE NOW...
- I DON'T GET IT.
- WELL, McCLUSKY
DIDN'T SEE HIM, DID HE?
- NO.
- AND HE DID SEE YOU.
- YEAH.
- SO IF HE BECOMES YOU
AND YOU BECOME HIM,
McCLUSKY WILL NEVER KNOW
THE DIFFERENCE, WILL HE?
- YEAH, BUT MAYNARD AND I DON'T
LOOK ANYTHING LIKE EACH OTHER.
- YEAH, I'M, LIKE, TALLER.
- HE'S LIKE...
- I TOLD YOU, IT'S
JUST A MASQUERADE.
NOW WE'LL START.
THE FIRST THING,
YOU'LL CHANGE CLOTHES.
- YEAH, THEN WE CHANGE HEADS.
- OH, NO! WE'LL JUST
SHAVE OFF YOUR BEARD.
- OH, NO.
- MAYNARD, FOR ME?
FOR THE BISON?
FOR AULD LANG SYNE?
- FOR HOW LONG?
- WELL, JUST TILL TOMORROW.
McCLUSKY'S LEAVING
TOMORROW AND THEN YOU
CAN GO BACK TO BEING
YOUR OWN SLOPPY SELF AGAIN,
NO OFFENSE, MAYNARD.
- NO OFFENSE.
BUT YOU'RE SURE IT'LL
BE OVER TOMORROW?
CAUSE THELONIOUS MONK
COMES IN TOWN TOMORROW NIGHT
AND I GET TO SIT IN
WITH THE BONGOS.
AND I LIKE, LIKE
YOU, MR. GILLIS,
AND I, LIKE, WANNA HELP YOU.
BUT I AIN'T GONNA
MISS TOMORROW NIGHT
FOR NOBODY OR NOTHING.
- YOU WON'T, MAYNARD, I PROMISE!
- WELL...
- YOU WILL?
- OKAY.
- WHAT ABOUT YOU, SON?
- SURE, DAD.
- OH, DOBIE, MY SON.
MAYNARD, MY SON.
OH, YOU'RE REAL HUMAN BEINGS.
- DAD AND HIS BIG IDEAS.
IN OUR HOUSE, HE'S
FAMOUS FOR THEM.
AND EVERY TIME HE
COMES UP WITH A NEW ONE,
MOM GIVES HIM THE SAME
ENCOURAGING RESPONSE.
- IT WILL NEVER WORK, HERBERT!
- WHY?
- IN THE FIRST PLACE,
MAYNARD COULD NEVER
IMPERSONATE DOBIE!
- HE CAN TRY!
- AND WHAT IS MORE IMPOSSIBLE,
DOBIE COULD NEVER
IMPERSONATE MAYNARD.
HOW COULD A BOY
WITH THAT UPBRINGING
AND THAT BACKGROUND
POSSIBLY KNOW HOW TO ACT
LIKE A CRUDE,
CARELESS, UNCOUTH...
- BUM?
- BUM.
- YOU RANG? LIKE HI,
CATS. WHAT'S THE BEAT?
- DON'T BE SCARED,
WINNIE. IT'S JUST DOBIE.
- I KNOW. WHY DO THINK
I'M SCARED? MY BABY!
WHAT HAVE THEY DONE
TO YOU? WHAT'S THIS?
- WELL, I TRADED
CLOTHES WITH MAYNARD.
- CHINS TOO?
- NO, DEAR. WE PASTED THAT ON.
IT WAS LEFT OVER FROM
A HALLOWEEN PARTY.
- YEAH, I WENT AS A
BILLY GOAT, REMEMBER?
- OH, DEAR, WHATEVER
HAPPENED TO ALL THOSE YEARS
OF TEACHING YOU HOW
TO BE NEAT AND CLEAN
AND TIDY AND WELL-SCRUBBED?
- YOU RANG, CHAPS?
- MAYNARD! MAYNARD,
YOU'RE HANDSOME!
- I FEEL LIKE, BEG PARDON,
MRS. GILLIS, LIKE, NAKED.
- YOU LOOK VERY NICE, DEAR.
- THANK YOU, MRS. GILLIS.
YOU'RE VERY PRETTY
TOO. SO ARE YOU, MR. GILLIS.
- WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
- MAN, YOU ARE.
WHERE'D YOU GET
THAT FAR-OUT OUTFIT?
- MAYNARD, YOU LOOK
LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME.
- I DO?
- YOU DO.
- YOU KNOW SOMETHING, DOBE?
IF I SAW A MAN WHO
WAS DRESSED LIKE THAT,
I'D SAY, OH,
IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.
- IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.
- MAYNARD, YOU
MAY LOOK ALL RIGHT,
BUT CAN YOU ACT LIKE THE SON
OF MR. AND MRS.
HERBERT T. GILLIS?
- DAD, I'M KIND OF
SHORT OF CASH.
- NO!
CAN I HAVE THE KEYS TO THE CAR?
- NO!
- CAN I STAY OUT PAST MIDNIGHT?
- NO!
MAYNARD, YOU HAVE
JUST PASSED THE TEST.
- HERBERT, I STILL
HAVE NOT AGREED
TO LET THE BOYS GO
THROUGH WITH THIS!
IN THE FIRST PLACE,
IT'S DISHONEST.
- WELL, IN THE SECOND PLACE,
IF McCLUSKY EVER SEES HIM,
HE'LL BLACKBALL ME.
- PLEASE, MOM. DAD'S
HEART WILL BE BROKEN
IF DAD DOESN'T GET ELECTED.
- WELL...
- PLEASE, WINNIE?
- WELL, ALL RIGHT. IF IT'S
WHAT YOU WANT, HERBERT,
THEN IT'S WHAT I WANT TOO.
- OH, WINNIE, YOU ARE A
FINE AND NOBLE WOMAN!
- DAD'LL NEVER FORGET YOU
FOR THIS.
- ME NEITHER.
[LAUGHS]
- NOW THAT'S THE KIND OF
AFFECTIONATE FAMILY I LIKE.
- WHERE? OH, YES, YES!
WE'RE A PRETTY MUSHY
BUNCH AROUND HERE.
- THAT'S WHAT THIS
COUNTRY NEEDS,
PLENTY OF OLD-FASHIONED
DOWN TO EARTH FAMILY AFFECTION.
WHY, IN EUROPE, FATHERS AND SONS
KISS EACH OTHER ALL THE
TIME AND THEY'RE NOT ASHAMED.
WE OUGHT TO DO MORE OVER HERE.
RIGHT, BROTHER GILLIS?
- RIGHT, BROTHER McCLUSKY.
SON?
- THAT'S THE SPIRIT THAT'S
MADE THIS COUNTRY GREAT.
- McCLUSKY? THIS
IS MY SON, DOBIE.
DOBIE, SAY HELLO
TO MR. McCLUSKY.
- LIKE, HELLO TO MR. McCLUSKY...
- PLEASED TO MEET YOU, MY BOY.
YOUR FATHER'S TOLD ME
ALL ABOUT THE FINE WORK
YOU'RE DOING WITH THE HOPELESS
OUTCASTS OF THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.
- YEAH, THEY'RE PRETTY OUTCAST.
- ONE IN PARTICULAR,
A MAYNARD KREBS.
- A MAYNARD G. KREBS.
YEAH, HE'S PRETTY...
HOPELESS? AN OUTCAST?
- LIKE, I'M MAYNARD G. KREBS
AND I'M, LIKE,
HOPELESS, ALL RIGHT.
- YOU ARE KREBS?
- CHECK, DADDY-O
AND, MAN, I'M, LIKE, BEAT.
[SCATTING]
OOH, MAN, WE'RE SWINGING.
- I THINK DINNER'S ABOUT
READY. SHALL WE GO UP?
- LIKE, WOW, LIKE, WOW!
- SON, WILL YOU BRING
YOUR MOTHER, PLEASE?
- OH, SHE'LL LOVE
IT! BE RIGHT BACK.
READY, MA'AM?
- THAT'S MOM.
- MR. McCLUSKY?
- OH, YES.
- MAYNARD, WOULD YOU
PASS THE MILK, PLEASE?
- OOH, LIKE, QUICKER THAN YOU
CAN SAY DIZZY GILLESPIE, DADDY.
- HOW UNCOUTH.
- OOH, NELLIE!
- IF YOU CAN DO ANYTHING
WITH HIM, YOU'RE A MARVEL.
- YES. US GENTLEMEN
ARE QUITE MARVELOUS.
- I'LL BRING THE DESSERT.
- YEAH, I STILL GOT
ROOM FOR MORE.
- SON, WOULD YOU
PLEASE PASS THE SUGAR?
- AT YOUR SERVICE, PATER.
YOU SEE, MAYNARD,
IN OUR SOCIAL CIRCLE,
THAT IS WHAT THEY CALL MANNERS.
- AW, YOUR MOTHER COLLECTS
GUY LOMBARDO RECORDS.
- TOO TOO OVER IT.
- LIKE, HEY, A FUNNY
THING HAPPENED TO ME
IN AN ESPRESSO
HOUSE THE OTHER DAY.
IT WAS SO DEEP IN THE CELLAR
THAT THE WAITER WAS A GOPHER!
[LAUGHS]
- SON, SON, HELP YOUR MOTHER.
- OH, YEAH, YEAH.
- OH! OH! THANK YOU, DEAR.
- AT YOUR SERVICE, MATER.
- BOY, WHY DON'T YOU
SHOW MR. McCLUSKY
HOW YOU ARE STRAIGHTENING
OUT THIS POOR UNFORTUNATE BOOB?
- AS YOU WISH, PATER.
MY DEAR LAD, HAVE
YOU EVER WONDERED
WHAT'S GOING TO BECOME OF YOU?
- MAN, LIKE, WHO'S GOT TIME
FOR THAT KIND OF HEAD STUFFING?
- THEN WHAT DO YOU
DO WITH YOUR TIME?
- WELL, LIKE, PROTEST.
- PROTEST?
- YOU KNOW IT, DADDY-O.
I LIKE TO PROTEST BECAUSE
I'M AN ANGRY YOUNG MAN.
AND THE WORLD IS FULL OF
ANGRY YOUNG MEN LIKE ME
AND WE'RE ALL PROTESTING.
- WELL, TELL ME, DEAR LAD,
WHAT ARE YOU ANGRY YOUNG
MEN PROTESTING ABOUT?
- I DON'T KNOW AND THAT'S
WHY I'M AN ANGRY YOUNG MAN.
OOH, MAN, MRS. G.
WHEN IT COMES TO EATING,
THAT'S LIVING. GOT ANY MORE?
- WELL, I HAVE SOME ICE CREAM
IN THE ICEBOX.
- COOL.
- OH, IT'S GOOD TO KNOW
THERE ARE STILL BOYS
LIKE YOU IN THE WORLD, DOBIE.
- WE ARE THE HOPE OF THE FUTURE.
- NOW TELL ME, WHAT PLANS
HAVE YOU MADE FOR YOUR CAREER?
- OH, THE USUAL.
COLLEGE, THE CONTINENT,
POST-GRADUATE WORK.
POST-POST GRADUATE
WORK, POST-POST-POST...
- BOY, YOU ARE
WASTING AWAY. EAT!
- I EXPECT TO LEAD THE KIND
OF LIFE EXPECTED OF LADS
IN MY SOCIAL CIRCLE,
DOING GOOD DEEDS,
HELPING OLD LADIES
ACROSS THE STREET,
GIVING MONEY TO MUSEUMS,
YOU KNOW, GIVING...
- SON, PASS THE COFFEE QUICK.
- AT YOUR SERVICE, PATER.
- OOH, MAN, HAVE I
GOT A CRAZY IDEA.
WHEN WE'RE DONE
FEEDING OUR FACES,
LET'S GO DOWNTOWN
AND DRAW MOUSTACHES
ON PICTURES OF LAWRENCE WELK.
- YOU'LL GO TO THE
LIBRARY, YOU YOUNG SCAMP,
AND READ "THE DECLINE AND
FALL OF THE ROMAN UMPIRE."
- I BELIEVE THAT'S EMPIRE.
- TRUE, BUT I'M USING THE
OXFORD PRONUNCIATION.
- OH!
- COMING, MAYNARD?
- CRAZY, POP, CRAZY.
- GOOD NIGHT, PATER.
GOOD NIGHT, MR. McCLUSKY.
- GOOD NIGHT, BOY.
- OH, DOBIE? BROTHER GILLIS,
HAVEN'T YOU FORGOTTEN SOMETHING?
- TO KEEP THE WOOL PULLED
OVER MR. McCLUSKY'S EYES,
WE HAD TO CALL MAYNARD'S FOLKS
AND SEE IF HE COULD SPEND
THE NIGHT AT OUR HOUSE.
AFTER THEY GOT
THROUGH APPLAUDING,
THEY SAID OKAY.
BUT I DON'T MIND TELLING
YOU, I WAS STILL WORRIED.
MAYNARD, DO YOU THINK
WE GOT AWAY WITH IT?
- GEE, I DON'T KNOW.
- I SURE HOPE SO. IT
MEANS AN AWFUL LOT TO...
- IT BELONGS TO YOUR FATHER.
- HMMM.
- LOOKS MORE LIKE IT
BELONGS TO YOUR MOTHER.
- GEE, I WISH I KNEW IF
MR. McCLUSKY BELIEVES US.
- OH, THERE YOU ARE, DOBIE.
I THOUGHT THIS
MIGHT INTEREST YOU.
IT'S THE BISON
LEADERSHIP MANUAL.
READ A THOUGHT A
DAY, IT'S THE BISON WAY!
- THANKS, SIR, YOU'RE ALL HEART.
- GOOD NIGHT,
DOBIE. GOOD NIGHT...
- ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.
- ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.
- YEAH.
- IT WORKED, MAYNARD, IT WORKED!
- YEAH, WE'RE IN.
- YEAH.
- HEY, WHERE YOU GOING?
- TO BED. WHERE DO YOU THINK?
- THAT'S DOBIE GILLIS'S BED.
- SO?
- SO WHO'S DOBIE GILLIS?
WHEN I ACT, I'M A
WHOLE HOG ACTOR.
- MAYNARD! NOW LOOK.
- [SNORING]
- MAYNARD?
- WE DID IT, WINNIE
POO! WE DID IT!
IN ONE HOUR, THE NATIONAL
GRAND EXALTED BULL BISON
WILL BE ON HIS WAY
BACK TO CLEVELAND!
AND IN ONE WEEK,
I WILL BE THE LOCAL
GRAND EXALTED BULL BISON.
- AND ABOUT TIME. I DON'T
KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER
I COULD STAND SEEING MY
BABY IN THAT SCARECROW SUIT.
- IT'S ALL OKAY NOW, WINNIE.
McCLUSKY THINKS WE'RE
THE GREATEST FAMILY
SINCE THAT OF OUR
BELOVED FOUNDER,
ZACHARY H. BISON.
- HAS MR. McCLUSKY LEFT YET?
- HE'S IN HIS ROOM PACKING.
- MAN, HE BETTER HURRY
'CAUSE, IF HE MISSES HIS TRAIN,
ME AND THELONIOUS MONK
AIN'T NEVER GONNA MAKE
THAT BEAUTIFUL MUSIC TOGETHER.
- HE WON'T MISS IT.
I'LL SEE TO THAT.
- ME TOO.
YOU KNOW, IT HASN'T
BEEN THE EASIEST THING
IN THE WORLD
CALLING MAYNARD SON,
THOUGH NO OFFENSE, MAYNARD.
- IT'S ALL RIGHT, MR. GILLIS.
I'M GETTING PRETTY TIRED
OF BEING DOBIE ANYHOW.
- OH, YEAH?
WELL, I'M GETTING KIND
OF TIRED OF BEING YOU!
- NO OFFENSE.
- NO OFFENSE, MAYNARD.
- BUT ONE MORE DAY
IN THESE SPOOKY DUDS
AND I WOULD HAVE GONE WIG!
- NOW JUST A MINUTE!
- WELL, THE WHOLE GILLIS FAMILY.
- LIKE, HI, MR. McCLUSKY.
YOU WANT ME TO, LIKE,
GO LUG YOUR LUGGAGE?
- NO, THANK YOU, MAYNARD.
- OH, MR. McCLUSKY,
DID YOU NOTICE THAT IMPROVEMENT?
MANNERS AND EVERYTHING,
AND MY BOY, DOBIE, HE DID IT.
- WE'RE VERY PROUD
OF BOTH OF THEM.
- AND YOU SHOULD BE.
IF YOU HELP A LAD,
YOU CAN'T BE ALL BAD.
THAT'S ON PAGE 276
OF THE REVISED BISON
LEADERSHIP MANUAL, MA'AM.
- TOO BAD YOU HAVE TO
LEAVE SO SOON, MR. McCLUSKY.
I'LL GO GET YOUR BAG.
- LIKE, I'LL GO GET YOUR BAG.
- DON'T BOTHER, BOYS.
I'M NOT LEAVING YET.
- YOU'RE NOT LEAVING YET?
- OH, I'VE HAD
SUCH A FINE VISIT,
I'VE DECIDED TO STAY
OVER ANOTHER DAY.
I'M TAKING YOU ALL
OUT TO DINNER TONIGHT.
- WELL...
- I KNOW, I KNOW.
YOU WANT ME TO
STAY HERE FOR DINNER.
BUT AS THE HANDBOOK SAYS,
A GUEST WHO IS NEVER IN THE WAY
WILL RETURN A GUEST ANOTHER DAY.
- YEAH, AND NOBODY
BUT A DIRTY SKUNK
WOULD KEEP A MAN
FROM THELONIOUS MONK!
- NOTHING! NOTHING! WINNIE,
AS LONG AS
MR. McCLUSKY IS STAYING,
DON'T YOU THINK WE OUGHT TO
GET HIM SOME CLEAN TOWELS, ETC.?
- YES, OH, YES!
COME, MR. McCLUSKY.
- RIGHT THIS WAY.
- MAYNARD, I'M NOT
GONNA LET DAD DO IT.
- IT'S ALL RIGHT, DOBIE.
- IT'S NOT ALL RIGHT.
YOU GOT A CHANCE TO SIT IN
WITH THELONIOUS MONK
TONIGHT AND YOU'RE GONNA DO IT.
- FORGET IT, DOBE. IT'S
NOT THAT IMPORTANT.
- IT'S ONLY THE MOST
IMPORTANT THING
IN THE WORLD TO YOU, THAT'S ALL.
I MEAN, JAZZ IS YOUR WHOLE LIFE
AND WHEN A CHANCE
LIKE THIS COMES UP,
NOBODY'S GOT A RIGHT
TO TAKE IT AWAY FROM YOU,
NOT EVEN IF HE'S MY OWN FATHER.
- WELL, THANKS, DOBE,
BUT IT'S OKAY, HONEST.
SURE, JAZZ IS ALL I GOT,
BUT WHAT YOUR FATHER
GOT EXCEPT THE BISON?
I MEAN, IN HIS TIME OF
LIFE, WHAT ELSE IS THERE?
JUST A ROCKING CHAIR,
SOFT FOOD AND A BISON.
IF HE'S GOT A CHANCE
TO BE A HIGH MUCKY-MUCK,
WELL, I GOTTA GIVE
HIM THAT CHANCE
'CAUSE AT HIS AGE, YOU
DON'T GET TOO MANY CHANCES.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE ALL HEART.
- THAT'S RIGHT, MAYNARD.
YOU ARE ALL HEART.
- THANKS, MR. GILLIS, BUT
YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL.
DON'T GO CALLING ME MAYNARD
OR MR. McCLUSKY MIGHT HEAR YOU.
- YEAH.
- OH, LET HIM HEAR. LET
THE WHOLE WORLD HEAR.
I'M TIRED OF THIS MASQUERADE.
I KNOW I DIDN'T WANT McCLUSKY
TO FIND OUT THAT IT WAS DOBIE
THAT BOWLED HIM
OVER IN THE PARK,
SO I ADOPTED YOU AS
MY SON TEMPORARILY.
BUT YOU ARE NOT MY SON.
YOU ARE MAYNARD G. KREBS,
A FINE, WARM-HEARTED
SELF-SACRIFICING YOUNG MAN!
AND TONIGHT YOU ARE
GOING TO PLAY THE BONGOS
WITH THELONIOUS MONK,
WHATEVER THAT MEANS.
- DAD, WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA TELL MR. McCLUSKY?
- THE TRUTH. OH, I'M
SICK OF THIS PHONY ACT.
I KNOW, THE BISONS
MEAN A LOT TO ME,
BUT SO DOES MAYNARD G. KREBS.
- VERY TOUCHING,
VERY, VERY TOUCHING!
- YOU HEARD?
- I HEARD.
PULLED A LITTLE SWITCH,
EH, BROTHER GILLIS?
- I MADE THEM DO IT.
IT'S ALL MY FAULT,
BROTHER McCLUSKY.
- WELL, BROTHER GILLIS,
IS THIS WAS A TELEVISION
SHOW INSTEAD OF REAL LIFE,
I'D HAVE THIS TO SAY TO YOU.
GILLIS, ANY MAN WHO WANTS TO BE
GRAND EXALTED BULL BISON AS BAD
AS YOU DO OUGHT TO HAVE THE JOB.
BUT THIS IS NOT TELEVISION.
THIS IS REAL LIFE
AND THIS IS WHAT I
HAVE TO SAY TO YOU.
YOU LIED TO ME!
AND YOU ARE NOT
GOING TO GET THE JOB!
I'M SORRY. GOOD DAY.
- MR. McCLUSKY?
LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.
- YES?
- WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE
EVERYBODY LOOKS AT
TELEVISION EVERY NIGHT?
- WHY?
- BECAUSE TELEVISION'S
BETTER THAN REAL LIFE.
I MEAN, IF REAL LIFE IS
BETTER THAN TELEVISION,
THEN PEOPLE WOULD LOOK
AT EACH OTHER EVERY NIGHT,
WOULDN'T THEY?
- WELL...
- SO WHY BE SO LIFELIKE?
WHY NOT BE BETTER
THAN LIFE, LIKE TELEVISION?
- YOUNG MAN, YOU MAY
HAVE A THOUGHT THERE.
- YEAH.
- NOW HOW WOULD THEY
DO IT ON TELEVISION?
- LIKE THIS.
BROTHER GILLIS,
ANYBODY WHO WANTS TO BE
GRAND EXALTED BULL BISON
AS BAD AS YOU DO
OUGHT TO HAVE THE JOB.
- BROTHER GILLIS, LIKE HE SAYS.
- I'M GETTING KIND OF ALL MISTY.
- HURRY UP, HERBERT!
YOU'LL BE LATE!
- COMING, WINNIE, COMING!
- WHY, HERBERT! YOU
LOOK LOVELY, DEAR!
- YOU SURE DO, DEAR.
- MAYNARD.
CONGRATULATIONS, DAD.
- AW, DON'T CONGRATULATE ME.
I COULD HAVE NEVER BECOME
THE GRAND EXALTED BULL BISON
IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR THE
HELP YOU THREE GAVE ME,
ESPECIALLY YOU, MAYNARD.
YOU KNOW, A MAN EXPECTS TO GET
COOPERATION FROM HIS OWN FAMILY.
BUT FOR A RANK
OUTSIDER, MAYNARD,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
- AW, DON'T SAY ANYTHING,
MR. GILLIS. KISS ME.
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
- DON'T WORRY.
DOBIE'S NEVER LATE.
HE'S SO DEPENDABLE
AND KIND AND...
- OKAY, CHARLENE, OKAY.
I'VE HEARD ALL ABOUT DOBIE.
WHAT I WANNA KNOW IS
WHAT KIND OF BLIND DATE
DID HE FIND FOR ME?
- DON'T WORRY, JoANN. IF
DOBIE FOUND YOU A BLIND DATE,
YOU CAN BET HE'S A GOOD
ONE. TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.
- YOU RANG?
- OH, IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.
- OH, IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.
IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.
- I'M SORRY. I JUST MEANT...
- MY FATHER'S BEEN SAYING THAT
EVER SINCE THE FIRST
DAY I LEARNED TO TALK.
WHAT A WAY TO TREAT
A NINE-YEAR-OLD KID!
AT SCHOOL EVERYBODY
THINKS "ONLY YOU"
IS, LIKE, MY FIRST NAME.
I ALMOST DIDN'T GRADUATE
FROM GRAMMAR SCHOOL
BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T FIT
"ONLY YOU, MAYNARD G. KREBS"
ON MY DIPLOMA.
- WHAT IS HE?
SOME KIND OF A NUT?
- HE SAYS HE'S A PROTEST CAT.
- THAT'S RIGHT. I'M PROTESTING.
CATS ALL OVER THE
WORLD ARE PROTESTING!
MY WHOLE SOCIAL GROUP
IS, LIKE, PROTESTING!
WE'RE ANGRY YOUNG MEN
AND WE'RE ALL PROTESTING!
- WHAT ARE YOU ANGRY
YOUNG MEN PROTESTING ABOUT?
- I DON'T KNOW, AND THAT'S WHY
I'M SUCH AN ANGRY YOUNG MAN!
- HE'S SPOOKY.
- YES.
I WISH DOBIE WOULD GET
HERE WITH YOUR BLIND DATE.
- THAT'S, LIKE, ME.
- YOU ARE MY BLIND DATE?
- I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D LIKE ME.
- THANKS A LUMP, CHARLENE.
AND BE SURE TO
THANK DOBIE FOR ME.
BECAUSE I WON'T BE HERE!
- I WON'T BE HERE EITHER.
OF ALL THE ROTTEN, LOW,
CONTEMPTIBLE, SNEAKY...
- HOW DO YOU DO, MY DEAR?
- YOU, DOBIE GILLIS,
ARE THE LOWEST.
- WHAT?
- I DON'T WANNA
EVER SEE YOU AGAIN!
- YOU MAY HAVE YOUR HI-Y
PIN AND YOUR FLOWERS!
- BUT, CHARLENE, I LOVE YOU!
- GOODBYE FOREVER!
- WAIT, CHARLENE!
♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
[SCATTING] ♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
I BET YOU THINK YOU KNOW
WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN NEXT.
THE MAN WHO TRIPPED
OVER ME IN THE PARK
WILL TURN OUT TO BE THE
NEW PRINCIPAL OF OUR SCHOOL
OR SOMEONE WHO'S IMPORTANT
TO MY FATHER OR LIKE THAT.
WELL, YOU'RE WRONG.
I MEAN, YOU'RE
WRONG IF YOU THINK
HE'S THE NEW PRINCIPAL
OF OUR SCHOOL OR LIKE THAT.
BUT IMPORTANT TO MY FATHER?
WOW!
ONLY THE MOST IMPORTANT THING
THAT'S HAPPENED TO MY FATHER
SINCE I WAS BORN,
AND HE WAS JUMPY BOTH TIMES.
- WINNIE, WHY ARE YOU
WEARING THAT APRON?
- BECAUSE IT IS
CONSIDERED BAD TASTE
TO WEAR A MINK
COAT WHILE DUSTING.
- ALL RIGHT, GO
AHEAD, DISGRACE ME.
MAKE ME FEEL LIKE TWO CENTS
WHEN EDWARD J. McCLUSKY'S LIABLE
TO WALK THROUGH THAT DOOR
ANY SECOND, EVEN SOONER!
- GOODNESS, HERBERT, THE
WAY YOU'RE CARRYING ON,
YOU'D THINK WE WERE EXPECTING
THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES.
- WELL, FOR YOUR INFORMATION,
THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES
WOULD BE VERY PROUD TO BE
THE NATIONAL GRAND EXALTED
BULL BISON OF THE BISON LODGE
AND GIVE OUT WITH
THE BISON BULL BELLOW!
[BELLOWS]
- AHH!
BELONGING TO THE BISONS
MEANS A GREAT DEAL
TO YOU, DOESN'T IT, DEAR?
- WINNIE, WHEN I WALKED
INTO THAT LODGE HALL
AND SIGNED UP 12 YEARS AGO,
IT WAS PROBABLY THE
MOST IMPORTANT THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME,
OUTSIDE OF MARRYING
YOU, OF COURSE.
- OH, YOU'RE SWEET, DEAR,
AND NOW YOU'RE ON THE THRESHOLD
OF BECOMING THE LOCAL GRAND
EXALTED BULL OF THE BISON LODGE.
I'M SO PROUD.
- IF DUTY CALLS, I MUST ANSWER.
BUT I CAN'T GET
ELECTED, YOU KNOW,
UNLESS THE NATIONAL
GRAND EXALTED BULL BISON
GIVES ME HIS OKAY.
YOU DON'T THINK A BUSY MAN
LIKE EDWARD J. McCLUSKY'S
COMING OUT HERE FROM CLEVELAND
TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH US
JUST FOR THE TRAIN
RIDE, YOU KNOW.
OOH, IF I CAN JUST MAKE THAT
DOBIE KEEP THAT CREEP MAYNARD
OUT OF HERE NOW WHILE...
- MR. GILLIS?
- MR. McCLUSKY?
OH, BROTHER BISON!
- BROTHER BISON!
Both: [BELLOW]
- OH, WELCOME, NATIONAL
GRAND EXALTED BULL BISON,
AND WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
- OH, NEVER MIND.
- OH, YES, THIS IS THE LITTLE
WOMAN, MRS. HERBERT T. GILLIS.
- HOW DO YOU DO, MA'AM?
- I'M PLEASED TO MEET
YOU, MR. McCLUSKY.
I HOPE YOU'LL ENJOY
YOUR VISIT WITH US.
- I BEG YOUR PARDON, MA'AM.
I'M HERE FOR BUSINESS,
NOT FOR ENJOYMENT.
TOP-LEVEL BISON THINKING.
WHEN A MEMBER IS UP
FOR IMPORTANT OFFICE,
WE ALWAYS CHECK
ON HIS FAMILY LIFE.
WHEN A MAN IS LOVED BY HIS KIN,
A GOOD MAN HE HAS BEEN.
- WELL, AND YOU HAVE
COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.
I MAY NOT BE MUCH, BUT
IF THERE IS ONE THING I AM,
IT IS A SOLID FAMILY MAN.
I AM SOLID FROM TOE TO HEAD.
- FINE. NOW I SEE BY THE...
QUALIFICATION REPORT
THAT YOU HAVE A SON, DOPIE?
- UH, THAT'S DOBIE,
SIR, WITH A B.
- YEAH, YEAH, DOBIE. I
MUST MEET THAT BOY.
NOW HERE'S A THOUGHT
YOU SHOULD ALWAYS KEEP
UNDER YOUR CAP.
YOU JUDGE A TREE BY
ITS APPLE, NOT BY ITS SAP.
YOU'LL FIND THOSE WORDS
ON PAGE 63 OF THE
BISON LEADERSHIP MANUAL,
MA'AM. "THOUGHTS FOR THINKING."
- OH, AND A GRAND
THOUGHT IT IS, SIR.
BY THE WAY, WINNIE,
WHERE IS OUR
LITTLE SAP... UH, SON?
- OH, HE OUGHT TO BE HOME
ANY MINUTE NOW. HE'S A FINE BOY.
- I HOPE SO, NOT LIKE THAT
OAF WHO ALMOST KILLED ME
ON MY WAY OVER HERE.
- OH, HOW AWFUL.
- YES. WHAT HAPPENED?
- OH, SOME EMPTY-HEADED
YOUNG SIMPLETON
WAS SO BUSY WATCHING A
GIRL HE DIDN'T EVEN SEE ME.
BOWLED ME RIGHT OVER.
- WELL, FATHERS OF KIDS
LIKE THAT SHOULD BE RUN IN.
THANK GOODNESS, OUR DOBIE
WAS BROUGHT UP BETTER THAN THAT.
- IF YOUR SON HAS
SUCH GOOD MANNERS,
HE SHOULD BE TEACHING HIM
TO THE RUFFIANS OF
THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.
- DOBIE?
- OF COURSE.
SUCH A BOY HAS A DUTY
TO INSTRUCT THOSE LESS
OUTSTANDING THAN HE IS.
- DOBIE! OH, YES!
- BROTHER GILLIS,
NEED I REMIND YOU
THAT THE MOTTO OF THE
BISONS IS "TO LEND A HAND...
- "A HAND TO ONE IN NEED IS
VERY FINE AND GOOD INDEED."
- BROTHER GILLIS,
YOUR SON KNOWS THE
MOTTO, DOES HE NOT?
- OH, HE DOES, HE DOES.
FOR INSTANCE, HE
HAS THIS FRIEND... WELL,
HE'S NOT EXACTLY A FRIEND.
HE'S MORE LIKE A WARD.
OH, THIS KID IS THE MOST
GONE KID IN TOWN, SEE?
NAME OF MAYNARD KREBS.
HE BELONGS TO THE
SLOPPY BEATNIK GROUP,
YOU KNOW, THE DIRTY SNEAKERS,
THE CHIN PIECE, THE WHOLE BIT.
HE IS SO FAR OUT,
EVEN THE BEST BEATNIKS
CAN'T REACH HIM.
AND OUR SON, DOBIE,
OUT OF THE GOODNESS
OF HIS HEART,
HAS TAKEN HIM UNDER HIS WING.
- WELL, WHEN AM I GOING
TO SEE HOW HE HANDLES
THE REHABILITATION
OF THIS DELINQUENT?
- WHEN?
- AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
- OH, AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, YES.
- BULLY! NOW, MA'AM,
IF YOU'LL SHOW ME TO
MY ROOM, I SHALL UNPACK.
- THIS WAY, MR. McCLUSKY.
- OH, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH, MA'AM.
I HOPE YOU HAVEN'T GONE TO
ANY SPECIAL TROUBLE FOR ME.
- OH, NOT AT ALL.
- A GUEST WHO IS
NEVER IN THE WAY
SHALL RETURN A
GUEST ANOTHER DAY.
- DOBIE, I WANNA TALK TO YOU.
- IT WASN'T MY FAULT.
- LISTEN, I WANT YOU TO...
WHAT WASN'T YOUR FAULT?
- I'M NOT SURE YET.
- WELL, WHILE YOU'RE
MAKING UP YOUR MIND,
I WANT YOU GO OVER
AND GET MAYNARD.
MAYNARD?
YES! RIGHT AWAY!
- MY MAYNARD, THE ONLY
YOU, MAYNARD MAYNARD?
- GET GOING, WILL YOU PLEASE?
- BUT, DAD, YOU
DON'T LIKE MAYNARD.
YESTERDAY YOU CALLED HIM
THE LAST LIVING RELIC
OF THE STONE AGE.
- THAT WAS YESTERDAY.
TODAY I WANT HIM OVER HERE, NOW!
- OKAY, BUT I DON'T
KNOW WHERE HE IS.
HE DISAPPEARED RIGHT
AFTER I KNOCKED OVER
THAT FUNNY-LOOKING FAT FELLOW
WITH THE STRIPED
SUIT AND THE SUITCASE.
- WELL, YOU'LL PROBABLY
FIND HIM DOWN AT THE...
WHAT FUNNY-LOOKING FAT FELLOW
WITH A STRIPED
SUIT AND A SUITCASE?
- HE COULDN'T BE
AT THE MALT SHOP.
THEY THREW HIM OUT BECAUSE
HIS ACCOUNT'S TWO YEARS OVERDUE.
- WHAT FUNNY-LOOKING FAT FELLOW?
- AT THE RECORD STORE,
HE'S THREE YEARS OVERDUE.
- WITH WHAT SUITCASE?
- AT THE ROLLER SKATING RINK...
- BOY, YOU ARE NOT
LISTENING TO ME.
- YES, I AM, DAD.
- THEN WHY DON'T YOU
ANSWER MY QUESTION?
- CAUSE I'M SCARED YOU
WON'T LIKE THE ANSWER.
- NOW LET'S APPROACH
THIS WITH A LOT OF CALM.
AFTER YOU KNOCKED OVER...
- MR. GILLIS?
OH, BROTHER GILLIS?
- YES?
- OH, THERE YOU
ARE, BROTHER GILLIS.
I JUST WANTED TO REMIND
YOU TO CALL ME AS SOON
AS YOUR SON COMES HOME.
- OH, I WILL.
- I'M EAGER TO MEET HIM.
- YES, ABSOLUTELY!
- THAT, I TAKE IT,
WOULD BE THE...
- WOULD BE THE
FUNNY-LOOKING FAT FELLOW
WITH THE STRIPED
SUIT AND THE SUITCASE.
- YEAH.
I'LL ADMIT MY DAD
GOT PANICKY AT FIRST.
BUT AFTER A FEW
MINUTES, HE CALMED DOWN
AND ATTACKED THE PROBLEM
IN A FAIR, REASONABLE WAY.
DAD, YOU SURE THIS
IS SUCH A GOOD IDEA?
ME LEAVING HOME
FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS?
- I DON'T KNOW. ALL I KNOW
IS THAT IF McCLUSKY
LAYS HIS EYES ON YOU,
I'M A DEAD DUCK.
WHAT AM I SAYING?
A DEAD BISON.
- BUT YOU TOLD
HIM YOU HAD A SON.
WHAT'S HE GONNA THINK
WHEN HE DOESN'T SEE HIM?
- I DON'T CARE! ALL I KNOW
IS THAT I CAN'T LET HIM
CLAMP EYES ON YOU.
- DAD, LOOK.
- NOW LISTEN.
YOU GET DOWN THAT TREE AND I'LL
THROW THE SUITCASE DOWN TO YOU.
- BUT, DAD, YOU JUST CAN'T...
- OH, OF ALL THE ROTTEN BREAKS!
McCLUSKY COMING HERE
EXPECTING ME TO HAVE A NICE FAMILY.
WILL YOU GET GOING, PLEASE?
AND I WIND UP WITH
A SON WHO'S A...
NO GOOD, STUMBLING,
LEFT-HEADED STUMBLEBUM.
- YOU RANG? LIKE, HI, DOBE.
I COME IN THROUGH THE
WINDOW 'CAUSE YOUR FATHER
DON'T WANT ME HANGING AROUND...
LIKE, HI, MR. GILLIS.
LIKE, BYE, MR. GILLIS!
- THIS MAY COME AS A GREAT
SHOCK TO YOU, MAYNARD,
BUT I AM HAPPY TO
SEE YOU, VERY HAPPY.
- ME? MAYNARD?
IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD?
- YES.
NOW LISTEN, MAYNARD,
LISTEN CAREFULLY.
WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT
THING IN THE WORLD TO YOU?
- YOU JOSHING, MAN? JAZZ.
OH, I LIKE JAZZ THE MOST!
AND YOU KNOW WHO'S COMING
TO TOWN TOMORROW NIGHT?
THELONIOUS MONK!
- FINE...
- AND I GET TO SIT WITH
HIM ON THE BONGOS!
- IS THAT GOOD?
- IT'S ONLY THE GREATEST THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED
TO ME, IS ALL.
- FINE. NOW, MAYNARD,
I'M VERY HAPPY FOR YOU.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW WHAT
IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME?
- YOU WEREN'T DRAFTED FOR
THE SPANISH-AMERICAN WAR.
- LIKE, NO! I JOINED THE BISONS!
- THE BISON LODGE?
YOU MEAN THEM
CATS THAT SHOOT POOL
AND WEAR THEM FUNNY HATS
AND SING THEM CORNBALL SONGS?
- KNOCK IT OFF, MISTER!
ALL RIGHT, SO MAYBE
WE DO WEAR FUNNY HATS
AND WE SING CORNY SONGS,
BUT WE ALSO RUN HOSPITALS
AND REHABILITATION CENTERS
AND OLD PEOPLES' HOMES
AND RESEARCH LABS
AND SCHOLASTIC FUNDS.
AND DON'T YOU DARE
KNOCK THE BISONS TO ME!
- I'M, LIKE, SORRY, MR. GILLIS.
- OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT. FORGET IT.
- GEE, DAD, YOU'RE PRETTY
PROUD OF BEING A BISON.
- WE'RE ALL PROUD. IT'S A
PROUD ORGANIZATION, SON.
- YEAH.
- AND I GOT A CHANCE
TO BECOME THE LOCAL
GRAND EXALTED BULL BISON
IF YOU KIDS'LL HELP ME.
- ANYTHING, MR. GILLIS.
- SURE, DAD. WHAT CAN WE DO?
- WELL, YOU BE HIM
AND HE'LL BE YOU.
- HUH?
- WELL, IT'S LIKE A MASQUERADE.
SEE NOW...
- I DON'T GET IT.
- WELL, McCLUSKY
DIDN'T SEE HIM, DID HE?
- NO.
- AND HE DID SEE YOU.
- YEAH.
- SO IF HE BECOMES YOU
AND YOU BECOME HIM,
McCLUSKY WILL NEVER KNOW
THE DIFFERENCE, WILL HE?
- YEAH, BUT MAYNARD AND I DON'T
LOOK ANYTHING LIKE EACH OTHER.
- YEAH, I'M, LIKE, TALLER.
- HE'S LIKE...
- I TOLD YOU, IT'S
JUST A MASQUERADE.
NOW WE'LL START.
THE FIRST THING,
YOU'LL CHANGE CLOTHES.
- YEAH, THEN WE CHANGE HEADS.
- OH, NO! WE'LL JUST
SHAVE OFF YOUR BEARD.
- OH, NO.
- MAYNARD, FOR ME?
FOR THE BISON?
FOR AULD LANG SYNE?
- FOR HOW LONG?
- WELL, JUST TILL TOMORROW.
McCLUSKY'S LEAVING
TOMORROW AND THEN YOU
CAN GO BACK TO BEING
YOUR OWN SLOPPY SELF AGAIN,
NO OFFENSE, MAYNARD.
- NO OFFENSE.
BUT YOU'RE SURE IT'LL
BE OVER TOMORROW?
CAUSE THELONIOUS MONK
COMES IN TOWN TOMORROW NIGHT
AND I GET TO SIT IN
WITH THE BONGOS.
AND I LIKE, LIKE
YOU, MR. GILLIS,
AND I, LIKE, WANNA HELP YOU.
BUT I AIN'T GONNA
MISS TOMORROW NIGHT
FOR NOBODY OR NOTHING.
- YOU WON'T, MAYNARD, I PROMISE!
- WELL...
- YOU WILL?
- OKAY.
- WHAT ABOUT YOU, SON?
- SURE, DAD.
- OH, DOBIE, MY SON.
MAYNARD, MY SON.
OH, YOU'RE REAL HUMAN BEINGS.
- DAD AND HIS BIG IDEAS.
IN OUR HOUSE, HE'S
FAMOUS FOR THEM.
AND EVERY TIME HE
COMES UP WITH A NEW ONE,
MOM GIVES HIM THE SAME
ENCOURAGING RESPONSE.
- IT WILL NEVER WORK, HERBERT!
- WHY?
- IN THE FIRST PLACE,
MAYNARD COULD NEVER
IMPERSONATE DOBIE!
- HE CAN TRY!
- AND WHAT IS MORE IMPOSSIBLE,
DOBIE COULD NEVER
IMPERSONATE MAYNARD.
HOW COULD A BOY
WITH THAT UPBRINGING
AND THAT BACKGROUND
POSSIBLY KNOW HOW TO ACT
LIKE A CRUDE,
CARELESS, UNCOUTH...
- BUM?
- BUM.
- YOU RANG? LIKE HI,
CATS. WHAT'S THE BEAT?
- DON'T BE SCARED,
WINNIE. IT'S JUST DOBIE.
- I KNOW. WHY DO THINK
I'M SCARED? MY BABY!
WHAT HAVE THEY DONE
TO YOU? WHAT'S THIS?
- WELL, I TRADED
CLOTHES WITH MAYNARD.
- CHINS TOO?
- NO, DEAR. WE PASTED THAT ON.
IT WAS LEFT OVER FROM
A HALLOWEEN PARTY.
- YEAH, I WENT AS A
BILLY GOAT, REMEMBER?
- OH, DEAR, WHATEVER
HAPPENED TO ALL THOSE YEARS
OF TEACHING YOU HOW
TO BE NEAT AND CLEAN
AND TIDY AND WELL-SCRUBBED?
- YOU RANG, CHAPS?
- MAYNARD! MAYNARD,
YOU'RE HANDSOME!
- I FEEL LIKE, BEG PARDON,
MRS. GILLIS, LIKE, NAKED.
- YOU LOOK VERY NICE, DEAR.
- THANK YOU, MRS. GILLIS.
YOU'RE VERY PRETTY
TOO. SO ARE YOU, MR. GILLIS.
- WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
- MAN, YOU ARE.
WHERE'D YOU GET
THAT FAR-OUT OUTFIT?
- MAYNARD, YOU LOOK
LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME.
- I DO?
- YOU DO.
- YOU KNOW SOMETHING, DOBE?
IF I SAW A MAN WHO
WAS DRESSED LIKE THAT,
I'D SAY, OH,
IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.
- IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.
- MAYNARD, YOU
MAY LOOK ALL RIGHT,
BUT CAN YOU ACT LIKE THE SON
OF MR. AND MRS.
HERBERT T. GILLIS?
- DAD, I'M KIND OF
SHORT OF CASH.
- NO!
CAN I HAVE THE KEYS TO THE CAR?
- NO!
- CAN I STAY OUT PAST MIDNIGHT?
- NO!
MAYNARD, YOU HAVE
JUST PASSED THE TEST.
- HERBERT, I STILL
HAVE NOT AGREED
TO LET THE BOYS GO
THROUGH WITH THIS!
IN THE FIRST PLACE,
IT'S DISHONEST.
- WELL, IN THE SECOND PLACE,
IF McCLUSKY EVER SEES HIM,
HE'LL BLACKBALL ME.
- PLEASE, MOM. DAD'S
HEART WILL BE BROKEN
IF DAD DOESN'T GET ELECTED.
- WELL...
- PLEASE, WINNIE?
- WELL, ALL RIGHT. IF IT'S
WHAT YOU WANT, HERBERT,
THEN IT'S WHAT I WANT TOO.
- OH, WINNIE, YOU ARE A
FINE AND NOBLE WOMAN!
- DAD'LL NEVER FORGET YOU
FOR THIS.
- ME NEITHER.
[LAUGHS]
- NOW THAT'S THE KIND OF
AFFECTIONATE FAMILY I LIKE.
- WHERE? OH, YES, YES!
WE'RE A PRETTY MUSHY
BUNCH AROUND HERE.
- THAT'S WHAT THIS
COUNTRY NEEDS,
PLENTY OF OLD-FASHIONED
DOWN TO EARTH FAMILY AFFECTION.
WHY, IN EUROPE, FATHERS AND SONS
KISS EACH OTHER ALL THE
TIME AND THEY'RE NOT ASHAMED.
WE OUGHT TO DO MORE OVER HERE.
RIGHT, BROTHER GILLIS?
- RIGHT, BROTHER McCLUSKY.
SON?
- THAT'S THE SPIRIT THAT'S
MADE THIS COUNTRY GREAT.
- McCLUSKY? THIS
IS MY SON, DOBIE.
DOBIE, SAY HELLO
TO MR. McCLUSKY.
- LIKE, HELLO TO MR. McCLUSKY...
- PLEASED TO MEET YOU, MY BOY.
YOUR FATHER'S TOLD ME
ALL ABOUT THE FINE WORK
YOU'RE DOING WITH THE HOPELESS
OUTCASTS OF THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.
- YEAH, THEY'RE PRETTY OUTCAST.
- ONE IN PARTICULAR,
A MAYNARD KREBS.
- A MAYNARD G. KREBS.
YEAH, HE'S PRETTY...
HOPELESS? AN OUTCAST?
- LIKE, I'M MAYNARD G. KREBS
AND I'M, LIKE,
HOPELESS, ALL RIGHT.
- YOU ARE KREBS?
- CHECK, DADDY-O
AND, MAN, I'M, LIKE, BEAT.
[SCATTING]
OOH, MAN, WE'RE SWINGING.
- I THINK DINNER'S ABOUT
READY. SHALL WE GO UP?
- LIKE, WOW, LIKE, WOW!
- SON, WILL YOU BRING
YOUR MOTHER, PLEASE?
- OH, SHE'LL LOVE
IT! BE RIGHT BACK.
READY, MA'AM?
- THAT'S MOM.
- MR. McCLUSKY?
- OH, YES.
- MAYNARD, WOULD YOU
PASS THE MILK, PLEASE?
- OOH, LIKE, QUICKER THAN YOU
CAN SAY DIZZY GILLESPIE, DADDY.
- HOW UNCOUTH.
- OOH, NELLIE!
- IF YOU CAN DO ANYTHING
WITH HIM, YOU'RE A MARVEL.
- YES. US GENTLEMEN
ARE QUITE MARVELOUS.
- I'LL BRING THE DESSERT.
- YEAH, I STILL GOT
ROOM FOR MORE.
- SON, WOULD YOU
PLEASE PASS THE SUGAR?
- AT YOUR SERVICE, PATER.
YOU SEE, MAYNARD,
IN OUR SOCIAL CIRCLE,
THAT IS WHAT THEY CALL MANNERS.
- AW, YOUR MOTHER COLLECTS
GUY LOMBARDO RECORDS.
- TOO TOO OVER IT.
- LIKE, HEY, A FUNNY
THING HAPPENED TO ME
IN AN ESPRESSO
HOUSE THE OTHER DAY.
IT WAS SO DEEP IN THE CELLAR
THAT THE WAITER WAS A GOPHER!
[LAUGHS]
- SON, SON, HELP YOUR MOTHER.
- OH, YEAH, YEAH.
- OH! OH! THANK YOU, DEAR.
- AT YOUR SERVICE, MATER.
- BOY, WHY DON'T YOU
SHOW MR. McCLUSKY
HOW YOU ARE STRAIGHTENING
OUT THIS POOR UNFORTUNATE BOOB?
- AS YOU WISH, PATER.
MY DEAR LAD, HAVE
YOU EVER WONDERED
WHAT'S GOING TO BECOME OF YOU?
- MAN, LIKE, WHO'S GOT TIME
FOR THAT KIND OF HEAD STUFFING?
- THEN WHAT DO YOU
DO WITH YOUR TIME?
- WELL, LIKE, PROTEST.
- PROTEST?
- YOU KNOW IT, DADDY-O.
I LIKE TO PROTEST BECAUSE
I'M AN ANGRY YOUNG MAN.
AND THE WORLD IS FULL OF
ANGRY YOUNG MEN LIKE ME
AND WE'RE ALL PROTESTING.
- WELL, TELL ME, DEAR LAD,
WHAT ARE YOU ANGRY YOUNG
MEN PROTESTING ABOUT?
- I DON'T KNOW AND THAT'S
WHY I'M AN ANGRY YOUNG MAN.
OOH, MAN, MRS. G.
WHEN IT COMES TO EATING,
THAT'S LIVING. GOT ANY MORE?
- WELL, I HAVE SOME ICE CREAM
IN THE ICEBOX.
- COOL.
- OH, IT'S GOOD TO KNOW
THERE ARE STILL BOYS
LIKE YOU IN THE WORLD, DOBIE.
- WE ARE THE HOPE OF THE FUTURE.
- NOW TELL ME, WHAT PLANS
HAVE YOU MADE FOR YOUR CAREER?
- OH, THE USUAL.
COLLEGE, THE CONTINENT,
POST-GRADUATE WORK.
POST-POST GRADUATE
WORK, POST-POST-POST...
- BOY, YOU ARE
WASTING AWAY. EAT!
- I EXPECT TO LEAD THE KIND
OF LIFE EXPECTED OF LADS
IN MY SOCIAL CIRCLE,
DOING GOOD DEEDS,
HELPING OLD LADIES
ACROSS THE STREET,
GIVING MONEY TO MUSEUMS,
YOU KNOW, GIVING...
- SON, PASS THE COFFEE QUICK.
- AT YOUR SERVICE, PATER.
- OOH, MAN, HAVE I
GOT A CRAZY IDEA.
WHEN WE'RE DONE
FEEDING OUR FACES,
LET'S GO DOWNTOWN
AND DRAW MOUSTACHES
ON PICTURES OF LAWRENCE WELK.
- YOU'LL GO TO THE
LIBRARY, YOU YOUNG SCAMP,
AND READ "THE DECLINE AND
FALL OF THE ROMAN UMPIRE."
- I BELIEVE THAT'S EMPIRE.
- TRUE, BUT I'M USING THE
OXFORD PRONUNCIATION.
- OH!
- COMING, MAYNARD?
- CRAZY, POP, CRAZY.
- GOOD NIGHT, PATER.
GOOD NIGHT, MR. McCLUSKY.
- GOOD NIGHT, BOY.
- OH, DOBIE? BROTHER GILLIS,
HAVEN'T YOU FORGOTTEN SOMETHING?
- TO KEEP THE WOOL PULLED
OVER MR. McCLUSKY'S EYES,
WE HAD TO CALL MAYNARD'S FOLKS
AND SEE IF HE COULD SPEND
THE NIGHT AT OUR HOUSE.
AFTER THEY GOT
THROUGH APPLAUDING,
THEY SAID OKAY.
BUT I DON'T MIND TELLING
YOU, I WAS STILL WORRIED.
MAYNARD, DO YOU THINK
WE GOT AWAY WITH IT?
- GEE, I DON'T KNOW.
- I SURE HOPE SO. IT
MEANS AN AWFUL LOT TO...
- IT BELONGS TO YOUR FATHER.
- HMMM.
- LOOKS MORE LIKE IT
BELONGS TO YOUR MOTHER.
- GEE, I WISH I KNEW IF
MR. McCLUSKY BELIEVES US.
- OH, THERE YOU ARE, DOBIE.
I THOUGHT THIS
MIGHT INTEREST YOU.
IT'S THE BISON
LEADERSHIP MANUAL.
READ A THOUGHT A
DAY, IT'S THE BISON WAY!
- THANKS, SIR, YOU'RE ALL HEART.
- GOOD NIGHT,
DOBIE. GOOD NIGHT...
- ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.
- ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.
- YEAH.
- IT WORKED, MAYNARD, IT WORKED!
- YEAH, WE'RE IN.
- YEAH.
- HEY, WHERE YOU GOING?
- TO BED. WHERE DO YOU THINK?
- THAT'S DOBIE GILLIS'S BED.
- SO?
- SO WHO'S DOBIE GILLIS?
WHEN I ACT, I'M A
WHOLE HOG ACTOR.
- MAYNARD! NOW LOOK.
- [SNORING]
- MAYNARD?
- WE DID IT, WINNIE
POO! WE DID IT!
IN ONE HOUR, THE NATIONAL
GRAND EXALTED BULL BISON
WILL BE ON HIS WAY
BACK TO CLEVELAND!
AND IN ONE WEEK,
I WILL BE THE LOCAL
GRAND EXALTED BULL BISON.
- AND ABOUT TIME. I DON'T
KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER
I COULD STAND SEEING MY
BABY IN THAT SCARECROW SUIT.
- IT'S ALL OKAY NOW, WINNIE.
McCLUSKY THINKS WE'RE
THE GREATEST FAMILY
SINCE THAT OF OUR
BELOVED FOUNDER,
ZACHARY H. BISON.
- HAS MR. McCLUSKY LEFT YET?
- HE'S IN HIS ROOM PACKING.
- MAN, HE BETTER HURRY
'CAUSE, IF HE MISSES HIS TRAIN,
ME AND THELONIOUS MONK
AIN'T NEVER GONNA MAKE
THAT BEAUTIFUL MUSIC TOGETHER.
- HE WON'T MISS IT.
I'LL SEE TO THAT.
- ME TOO.
YOU KNOW, IT HASN'T
BEEN THE EASIEST THING
IN THE WORLD
CALLING MAYNARD SON,
THOUGH NO OFFENSE, MAYNARD.
- IT'S ALL RIGHT, MR. GILLIS.
I'M GETTING PRETTY TIRED
OF BEING DOBIE ANYHOW.
- OH, YEAH?
WELL, I'M GETTING KIND
OF TIRED OF BEING YOU!
- NO OFFENSE.
- NO OFFENSE, MAYNARD.
- BUT ONE MORE DAY
IN THESE SPOOKY DUDS
AND I WOULD HAVE GONE WIG!
- NOW JUST A MINUTE!
- WELL, THE WHOLE GILLIS FAMILY.
- LIKE, HI, MR. McCLUSKY.
YOU WANT ME TO, LIKE,
GO LUG YOUR LUGGAGE?
- NO, THANK YOU, MAYNARD.
- OH, MR. McCLUSKY,
DID YOU NOTICE THAT IMPROVEMENT?
MANNERS AND EVERYTHING,
AND MY BOY, DOBIE, HE DID IT.
- WE'RE VERY PROUD
OF BOTH OF THEM.
- AND YOU SHOULD BE.
IF YOU HELP A LAD,
YOU CAN'T BE ALL BAD.
THAT'S ON PAGE 276
OF THE REVISED BISON
LEADERSHIP MANUAL, MA'AM.
- TOO BAD YOU HAVE TO
LEAVE SO SOON, MR. McCLUSKY.
I'LL GO GET YOUR BAG.
- LIKE, I'LL GO GET YOUR BAG.
- DON'T BOTHER, BOYS.
I'M NOT LEAVING YET.
- YOU'RE NOT LEAVING YET?
- OH, I'VE HAD
SUCH A FINE VISIT,
I'VE DECIDED TO STAY
OVER ANOTHER DAY.
I'M TAKING YOU ALL
OUT TO DINNER TONIGHT.
- WELL...
- I KNOW, I KNOW.
YOU WANT ME TO
STAY HERE FOR DINNER.
BUT AS THE HANDBOOK SAYS,
A GUEST WHO IS NEVER IN THE WAY
WILL RETURN A GUEST ANOTHER DAY.
- YEAH, AND NOBODY
BUT A DIRTY SKUNK
WOULD KEEP A MAN
FROM THELONIOUS MONK!
- NOTHING! NOTHING! WINNIE,
AS LONG AS
MR. McCLUSKY IS STAYING,
DON'T YOU THINK WE OUGHT TO
GET HIM SOME CLEAN TOWELS, ETC.?
- YES, OH, YES!
COME, MR. McCLUSKY.
- RIGHT THIS WAY.
- MAYNARD, I'M NOT
GONNA LET DAD DO IT.
- IT'S ALL RIGHT, DOBIE.
- IT'S NOT ALL RIGHT.
YOU GOT A CHANCE TO SIT IN
WITH THELONIOUS MONK
TONIGHT AND YOU'RE GONNA DO IT.
- FORGET IT, DOBE. IT'S
NOT THAT IMPORTANT.
- IT'S ONLY THE MOST
IMPORTANT THING
IN THE WORLD TO YOU, THAT'S ALL.
I MEAN, JAZZ IS YOUR WHOLE LIFE
AND WHEN A CHANCE
LIKE THIS COMES UP,
NOBODY'S GOT A RIGHT
TO TAKE IT AWAY FROM YOU,
NOT EVEN IF HE'S MY OWN FATHER.
- WELL, THANKS, DOBE,
BUT IT'S OKAY, HONEST.
SURE, JAZZ IS ALL I GOT,
BUT WHAT YOUR FATHER
GOT EXCEPT THE BISON?
I MEAN, IN HIS TIME OF
LIFE, WHAT ELSE IS THERE?
JUST A ROCKING CHAIR,
SOFT FOOD AND A BISON.
IF HE'S GOT A CHANCE
TO BE A HIGH MUCKY-MUCK,
WELL, I GOTTA GIVE
HIM THAT CHANCE
'CAUSE AT HIS AGE, YOU
DON'T GET TOO MANY CHANCES.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE ALL HEART.
- THAT'S RIGHT, MAYNARD.
YOU ARE ALL HEART.
- THANKS, MR. GILLIS, BUT
YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL.
DON'T GO CALLING ME MAYNARD
OR MR. McCLUSKY MIGHT HEAR YOU.
- YEAH.
- OH, LET HIM HEAR. LET
THE WHOLE WORLD HEAR.
I'M TIRED OF THIS MASQUERADE.
I KNOW I DIDN'T WANT McCLUSKY
TO FIND OUT THAT IT WAS DOBIE
THAT BOWLED HIM
OVER IN THE PARK,
SO I ADOPTED YOU AS
MY SON TEMPORARILY.
BUT YOU ARE NOT MY SON.
YOU ARE MAYNARD G. KREBS,
A FINE, WARM-HEARTED
SELF-SACRIFICING YOUNG MAN!
AND TONIGHT YOU ARE
GOING TO PLAY THE BONGOS
WITH THELONIOUS MONK,
WHATEVER THAT MEANS.
- DAD, WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA TELL MR. McCLUSKY?
- THE TRUTH. OH, I'M
SICK OF THIS PHONY ACT.
I KNOW, THE BISONS
MEAN A LOT TO ME,
BUT SO DOES MAYNARD G. KREBS.
- VERY TOUCHING,
VERY, VERY TOUCHING!
- YOU HEARD?
- I HEARD.
PULLED A LITTLE SWITCH,
EH, BROTHER GILLIS?
- I MADE THEM DO IT.
IT'S ALL MY FAULT,
BROTHER McCLUSKY.
- WELL, BROTHER GILLIS,
IS THIS WAS A TELEVISION
SHOW INSTEAD OF REAL LIFE,
I'D HAVE THIS TO SAY TO YOU.
GILLIS, ANY MAN WHO WANTS TO BE
GRAND EXALTED BULL BISON AS BAD
AS YOU DO OUGHT TO HAVE THE JOB.
BUT THIS IS NOT TELEVISION.
THIS IS REAL LIFE
AND THIS IS WHAT I
HAVE TO SAY TO YOU.
YOU LIED TO ME!
AND YOU ARE NOT
GOING TO GET THE JOB!
I'M SORRY. GOOD DAY.
- MR. McCLUSKY?
LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.
- YES?
- WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE
EVERYBODY LOOKS AT
TELEVISION EVERY NIGHT?
- WHY?
- BECAUSE TELEVISION'S
BETTER THAN REAL LIFE.
I MEAN, IF REAL LIFE IS
BETTER THAN TELEVISION,
THEN PEOPLE WOULD LOOK
AT EACH OTHER EVERY NIGHT,
WOULDN'T THEY?
- WELL...
- SO WHY BE SO LIFELIKE?
WHY NOT BE BETTER
THAN LIFE, LIKE TELEVISION?
- YOUNG MAN, YOU MAY
HAVE A THOUGHT THERE.
- YEAH.
- NOW HOW WOULD THEY
DO IT ON TELEVISION?
- LIKE THIS.
BROTHER GILLIS,
ANYBODY WHO WANTS TO BE
GRAND EXALTED BULL BISON
AS BAD AS YOU DO
OUGHT TO HAVE THE JOB.
- BROTHER GILLIS, LIKE HE SAYS.
- I'M GETTING KIND OF ALL MISTY.
- HURRY UP, HERBERT!
YOU'LL BE LATE!
- COMING, WINNIE, COMING!
- WHY, HERBERT! YOU
LOOK LOVELY, DEAR!
- YOU SURE DO, DEAR.
- MAYNARD.
CONGRATULATIONS, DAD.
- AW, DON'T CONGRATULATE ME.
I COULD HAVE NEVER BECOME
THE GRAND EXALTED BULL BISON
IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR THE
HELP YOU THREE GAVE ME,
ESPECIALLY YOU, MAYNARD.
YOU KNOW, A MAN EXPECTS TO GET
COOPERATION FROM HIS OWN FAMILY.
BUT FOR A RANK
OUTSIDER, MAYNARD,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
- AW, DON'T SAY ANYTHING,
MR. GILLIS. KISS ME.
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪