The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 2, Episode 36 - This Ain't the Way We Used to Do It - full transcript

- WE MILITARY TYPES,

AND I THINK I MAY BE SAFELY
INCLUDED IN THAT GROUP,

ARE FOND OF CALLING OUR
HEROES BY HARD-HITTING NICKNAMES.

AH, WHAT MEMORIES ARE
STIRRED BY THE SOUND

OF STONEWALL JACKSON

AND BLOOD AND GUTS PATTON?

AND IN OUR OUTFIT, LIEUTENANT
SPUNKY MERIWETHER.

- I'LL MAKE THIS BRIEF.

IT'S CHOW TIME
AND YOU'RE HUNGRY,

BUT I'VE GOT SOME BIG NEWS.

AS YOU KNOW, BASIC
ENDS NEXT WEEKEND.



AND IF OUR COMPANY
PERFORMS UP TO STANDARD,

THERE'LL BE PASSES
FOR EVERYBODY.

- [MURMURING]

- NOW, THE COMMANDER DECIDED,

AND I'LL ADMIT TO A MODEST ROLE
IN THE ARRIVAL OF THIS DECISION,

TO DESIGNATE THE WEEKEND
AS PARENTS VISITING WEEKEND.

I WANT EVERY SOLDIER TO WRITE
AND INVITE HIS PARENTS HERE

FOR THE FINAL DRILLS,

FIELD PROBLEMS, AND RETREAT.

I WANT YOUR PARENTS TO
TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT YOU

TO SEE HOW EACH
AND EVERY ONE OF YOU

HAS BEEN TRANSFORMED INTO
AN AMERICAN FIGHTING MAN:

INTELLIGENT, RESOURCEFUL,
LEAN, FIT, TRIM,

NEAT.



- YOU RANG?

♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

[SCATTING] ♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

- I WOULDN'T EXACTLY CALL
MY FRIEND MAYNARD G. KREBS

A BAD SOLDIER.

YES, I WOULD. THAT'S
EXACTLY WHAT I'D CALL HIM.

BUT HE'S DARN NEAR
THROUGH BASIC TRAINING NOW,

A SPOOKY THOUGHT IN ITSELF,

AND HE AND ALL THE REST OF US

ARE GETTING EXCITED
ABOUT OUR GRADUATION

AND PARENTS VISITING WEEKEND.

THE PARENTS ARE
EXCITED TOO, I'LL BET.

I MEAN, I WROTE TO DAD ABOUT IT,

AND IMAGINE HOW HAPPY HE'LL
BE WHEN HE GETS MY LETTER.

- DON'T BOTHER READING
THE BOY'S LETTER, WINNIE.

LET ME GUESS.
- HERBERT, REALLY.

- DEAR MOM AND DAD.

I AM FINE, HOW ARE YOU?

AS I AM A LITTLE SHORT
OF CASH THIS WEEK,

PLEASE SEND ME 25 BUCKS.

- HERBERT, REALLY.

- I'M WRONG?
- YES, YOU'RE WRONG.

- ALL RIGHT. WHAT DOES HE SAY?

- DEAR MOM AND DAD,
HOW ARE YOU? I AM FINE.

AS I AM A LITTLE SHORT
OF CASH THIS WEEK,

COULD YOU SEND ME $10?

- OH, I'M SORRY. I
MISJUDGED THE BOY.

- AND THAT'S NOT ALL.
WE'RE INVITED TO VISIT HIM.

- OH, I GOTTA TAKE THE CASH
UP TO HIM PERSONALLY, HUH?

- YOU WEREN'T EVEN LISTENING.

WE'RE GOING UP FOR
PARENTS VISITING WEEKEND,

AND WE'RE GOING TO
SEE THE MANEUVERS,

WHATEVER THEY ARE,

AND WATCH HIM GRADUATE
FROM BASIC TRAINING.

- [CHUCKLES] WATCH
HIM GO THROUGH

A MESS OF BACKBREAKING
TRAINING EXERCISES, HUH?

HEY, THAT'LL BE FUN,

SEEING HOW THE ARMY HAS
TURNED SOFT, FLABBY BOYS

INTO STRONG, HARD,
DISCIPLINED MEN.

- OH, DEAR, YOU MEAN
THEY'VE BRUTALIZED MY BABY?

TAKEN THE DIMPLES OUT
OF THOSE ROSY CHEEKS,

THE SPARKLE OUT OF
THOSE MISCHIEVOUS EYES?

- WINNIE, IT HAD TO
HAPPEN SOMETIME.

AFTER ALL, HE IS
NO LONGER A BABY

LEARNING SOFT,
SWEET, GENTLE THINGS

FROM HIS SOFT,
SWEET GENTLE MOTHER.

- IF THEY'VE CHANGED
ONE INCH OF MY BABY,

I'LL CLOBBER 'EM.
- OH, WINNIE.

- I'LL BREAK EVERY BONE
IN THEIR MISERABLE BODIES.

- WINNIE.
- I'LL PULVERIZE THEM,

THE COWARDS.

- WINNIE, IT IS ONLY NATURAL

FOR A BOY TO SUDDENLY
GROW UP AND BECOME A MAN.

REMEMBER HOW IT
HAPPENED TO ME IN WWII?

- IT DID?

- WELL, OF COURSE, IT DID.

- WELL, IF YOU SAY SO, DEAR.

- NEVER MIND THE SARCASM.

WAIT TILL YOU SEE HOW
IT'S HAPPENING TO HIM.

WHEN YOU GET DOWN TO CAMP,

YOU'RE GOING TO SEE WHAT
THE ARMY HAS TURNED HIM INTO.

- I'LL BATTER 'EM.

- WINNIE, YOU ARE
GOING TO SEE A MAN,

STRONG, HARD, SELF-RELIANT,

READY TO FACE THE
TOUGHEST EMERGENCY,

ABLE TO ENDURE THE
MOST PUNISHING HARDSHIPS.

- MAYNARD, WILL YOU CUT THE FAN?

I'M GETTING A WIND BURN.

- [RADIO PLAYS SOFT MUSIC]

- HEY, DOBE, TELL ME ABOUT
THIS PARENTS VISITING WEEKEND.

- SURE, MAYNARD, WHAT
DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?

- WHO'S IT FOR?
- PARENTS.

- OH. WHAT'S IT FOR?

- VISITING.
- OH.

WHEN'S IT FOR?
- THIS WEEKEND.

- OH.

OH! PARENTS VISITING WEEKEND.

THAT'S HOW IT GOT
THE NAME, DOBE.

PARENTS VISITING
WEEKEND. YOU GET IT?

PARENTS VISITING WEEKEND.

- GOOD THINKING.
- THAT'S, LIKE, BRILLIANT.

I SURE GOT IT UP
HERE, HUH, DOBE?

- YOU SURE HAVE, MAYNARD.
- YEAH.

AND SOME PEOPLE SAY I
DON'T USE MY HEAD. HOW COME?

- THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER.
- WHERE?

- FORGET IT, FORGET IT.

NEVER MIND. FORGET
IT, MAYNARD. FORGET IT.

BOY, I CAN HARDLY WAIT
TO SEE MOM AND DAD.

- YEAH. ME TOO.

- OH, GOOD. THEN YOUR
FOLKS ARE COMING.

- I DON'T KNOW. I DIDN'T
EVEN INVITE THEM.

- MAYNARD, YOU JUST SAID
YOU COULD HARDLY WAIT

TO SEE YOUR MOM AND DAD.

- NO. I CAN HARDLY WAIT
TO SEE YOUR MOM AND DAD.

THEY'RE, LIKE,
REAL HUMAN BEINGS.

- MAYNARD.
- YOUR MOM IS, ANYHOW.

YOUR FATHER'S KIND
OF MEAN AND ROTTEN

AND ALL THE TIME
HOLLERING. NO OFFENSE.

- NO OFFENSE. MAYNARD...

- YEAH. BUT HIS HEART'S
IN THE RIGHT PLACE

AND HE MEANS GOOD.
- UH-HUH.

- BUT IT MUST BE ALL KIND
OF SCRUNCHED AROUND

BECAUSE HE COMES
OUT MEAN AND ROTTEN

AND ALL THE TIME HOLLERING.

- MAYNARD, ENOUGH! ENOUGH!

[CLICK, MUSIC STOPS]

NOW, HERE.

I WANT YOU TO WRITE TO
YOUR FOLKS THIS MINUTE

AND INVITE THEM UP FOR
PARENTS VISITING WEEKEND.

- AH, DOBE, I DON'T, LIKE,
LIKE TO WRITE LETTERS.

- THEN PHONE THEM.
- I DON'T, LIKE,

LIKE TO PHONE EITHER.

- MAYNARD, AT THE MOMENT,

WE HAPPEN TO BE OUT
OF CARRIER PIGEONS.

- I'LL, LIKE, WAIT.
- WRITE.

- DEAR SIR OR MADAM...

- MAYNARD, THEY'RE YOUR FOLKS.

- OH, YEAH.

- DEAR MR. AND MRS. KREBS.

- YOU KNOW, THIS WILL BE GREAT.

AFTER EIGHT WEEKS,

I'M FINALLY GONNA SEE MY FOLKS.

GEE, IT'S BEEN SO LONG,

I HOPE WE WON'T TREAT
EACH OTHER LIKE STRANGERS.

- HEY, DOBE?
- YEAH.

- HOW DO YOU SPELL KREBS?

- SO OUR PREPARATIONS

FOR PARENTS VISITING
WEEKEND BEGAN.

WE WANTED TO IMPRESS OUR
FOLKS WHEN THEY CAME UP TO VISIT,

TO LET THEM KNOW

THAT THE AWKWARD,
HELPLESS LITTLE BOYS

THEY SAID GOODBYE
TO A FEW WEEKS AGO

WERE NOW...

AWKWARD, HELPLESS
LITTLE SOLDIERS.

WE WANTED TO SHOW THEM THAT
WE WERE TOUGH AND INDEPENDENT,

ABLE TO DO THINGS BY OURSELVES.

- 45, 46, 47, 48.

PRETTY GOOD, HUH, SARGE?

- DANDY.

- YOU SAID THIS
WAS GONNA BE HARD.

- TRY IT WITHOUT
YOUR BUDDY, GILLIS.

- YOU'RE KIDDING.

- KREBS, BACK OFF.

OKAY, GILLIS.

- I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.

- TEN-HUT.

AS YOU WERE.

SERGEANT, I'VE GOT
GREAT NEWS FOR YOU.

YOUR SQUAD HAS BEEN CHOSEN

FOR THE PLUM OF THE
ENTIRE MANEUVERS.

I'M PROUD OF YOU, SERGEANT.

- YOU MEAN, SIR...
- OPERATION XERXES.

- THE SECRET MISSION?

- THE TWO-WEEK SPECIAL TRAINING?

- SUICIDESVILLE?

- RIGHT. THE EXPENDABLES.

- WE HARDLY DARED TO HOPE.

- WELL, THAT'S IT.

LET STAY IN LINE NOW.

TOW THE MARK. KEEP UP TO SNUFF.

STAY ON THE BALL. STICK WITH IT.

KEEP OUR NOSES CLEAN,
AND GIVE IT THE OLD TRY.

IT'S YOUR CHANCES TO
BE REAL HEROES, MEN.

SO GET RESTED UP.

THIS IS GOING TO BE IT.

- "THIS IS GOING TO BE IT."

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
IT'S GOING TO BE,

A HEADACHE.

OUR FOLKS ARE
COMING UP TOMORROW.

BUT INSTEAD OF SPENDING
THE WHOLE WEEKEND WITH THEM,

WE'LL HAVE TO SPEND
PART OF THE TIME

GOING THROUGH SOME
MIXED-UP MANEUVERS.

DOGGONE IT. I LOVE THE ARMY,

BUT WHY DO THEY
HAVE TO DO THINGS

UPSIDE DOWN AND BACKWARDS?

- OOH, I LOVE THE WAY
THEY DO THINGS IN THE ARMY,

WINNIE, YOU KNOW,
WITH THE ZING-POW.

- I WONDER WHERE DOBIE IS.

ISN'T HE SUPPOSED
TO MEET US HERE?

- OH, HE'LL BE RIGHT
HERE. DON'T WORRY, WINNIE.

- OH, I CAN HARDLY WAIT.

YOU KNOW, HERBERT,

THIS IS REALLY A
VERY NICE PLACE.

IT'S NOT AT ALL PRIMITIVE

LIKE I EXPECTED FROM
WHAT YOU'VE TOLD ME.

- OH, THAT'S ALL ON THE SURFACE.

UNDERNEATH THERE'S
STILL THAT IRON DISCIPLINE,

RUGGED LIVING CONDITIONS,

BACKBREAKING TRAINING EXERCISES.

OH, AIN'T IT GREAT?

- YOU KNOW, HERBERT,
FROM THE WAY YOU TALK

I GET THE IMPRESSION

THAT YOU REALLY
WANT DOBIE TO SUFFER.

- WELL, THE MORE
HARDSHIPS HE'S ENDURED,

THE BETTER IS IT
FOR HIM, YOU KNOW.

THE TOUGHER THE TRAINING,
THE STRONGER THE SOLDIER.

THAT'S WHY HE'LL BE A
LITTLE GRIM AND TIGHT-LIPPED,

MAYBE EVEN A LITTLE SURLY.

- HI, MOM.

- DOBIE!

- HOW ARE YOU? GOOD TO SEE YOU.

- [ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

- OH, MAYNARD, DEAR,

YOUR PARENTS COULDN'T COME.

OH, THEY WERE SO BROKEN-HEARTED.

THEY TALKED ABOUT IT
AND PLANNED IT ALL WEEK,

AND THEN LAST NIGHT
JUST AS THEY WERE PACKING,

YOUR FATHER BROKE OUT
IN A TERRIBLE CASE OF HIVES.

- HE ALWAYS GETS THEM
WHEN HE HEARS MY NAME

MENTIONED LIKE THREE
OR FOUR TIMES REAL FAST.

- HOW STRANGE.
- YEAH.

WHEN MY MOTHER HAS TO
MENTION MY NAME TO HIM,

SHE USUALLY SPELLS IT OUT.
- MAYNARD.

- AND ALL HE GETS
IS A LITTLE RASH.

- WHEN HE SEES MY
NAME WRITTEN DOWN,

IT HARDLY BOTHERS HIM AT ALL.

JUST A FEW LITTLE
GOOSEBUMPS IS ALL.

- THAT'S ALL RIGHT, DEAR, BECAUSE
WE PROMISED YOUR PARENTS

THAT WE'D KEEP AN EYE ON YOU,

AND SO YOU'LL BE OUR OTHER
SOLDIER FOR THE WEEKEND.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, HERBERT?

- YEAH. YEAH, SURE.

WELL, IF YOU YARDBIRDS CAN
GET OFF THE POST FOR CHOW,

THE TREAT IS ON
OLD SERGEANT GILLIS.

I'M GONNA TAKE YOU OUT
AND GET YOU A REAL MEAL

AND I'LL WRAP YOU
AROUND A BIG STEAK.

YOU KNOW, SOME PLACE
WHERE YOU'LL FEEL FREE TO TALK,

YOU KNOW, WITHOUT BEING AFRAID

OF YOUR OLD
IRON-PANTS LIEUTENANT.

OH, I KNOW THOSE GUYS.
THEY GET AHOLD OF A MAN...

- FOLKS, I'D LIKE TO
HAVE YOU MEET OUR C.O.,

LIEUTENANT IRON PANTS.

- LIEUTENANT MERIWETHER.

- SIR, I'D LIKE YOU
TO MEET MY FOLKS,

MR. AND MRS. HERBERT T. GILLIS.
- HOW DO YOU DO?

- YOU KNOW, LIEUTENANT,

MY FATHER WAS A FIRST
SERGEANT IN THE LAST BIG ONE.

- INDEED, SIR.
- UH-HUH.

- OH, YEAH.
- THAT'S INTERESTING.

WHY, IT JUST HAPPENS THAT
ONE OF MY PERSONAL HEROES

IS THE GREAT TEDDY ROOSEVELT.

WISH I COULD HAVE
SERVED UNDER HIM, TOO.

- THE BOY WAS REFERRING
TO WWII, SON, LIEUTENANT.

THAT WAS JUST A SHORT
WHILE AGO, REMEMBER?

- YES. YES, OF COURSE.

AND WE HAVEN'T FORGOT
THE DEBT WE OWE YOU,

SERGEANT GILLIS.
- OH, THANK YOU.

- WHAT YOU DID THEN
WITH WHAT YOU HAD

WAS MIGHTY IMPORTANT.

NOW, PRIVATE
GILLIS, PRIVATE KREBS,

YOU'LL BE WANTING TO START
THE FOLKS ON THEIR TOUR.

- OH, YES. THE PROGRAM
SOUNDS EXCITING.

- THERE'S PLENTY TO
CHOOSE FROM, MRS. GILLIS.

THE REGIMENTAL PING
PONG FINALS ARE GOING ON.

I'LL BE MODERATING THE
FOREIGN POLICY DEBATE

IN THE AUDITORIUM.
OUGHT TO BE A THRILLER.

WE'VE GOT SOME FINE YOUNG
MINDS GOING FOR "A" COMPANY.

LOTS TO SEE TODAY.

WELL, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.

- WHAT A NICE YOUNG MAN.

OH, I'M SO PLEASED THAT
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO SERVE

UNDER SOME MEAN,
TWISTED OLD VETERAN.

NO OFFENSE, HERBERT.

- IF I HAD HIM WITH
ME FOR A WHILE,

I'D TEDDY ROOSEVELT HIM.

THAT'S YOUR C.O., THAT
PREP SCHOOL VALEDICTORIAN?

- HE'S REALLY A NICE FELLA,
DAD, A PERFECT GENTLEMAN.

- YEAH, YOU OUGHT TO
HEAR HIM SING CAMP SONGS.

HE KNOWS... [GIBBERISH TITLE]

- NICE FELLA, HUH?
- MM-HMM.

- PERFECT GENTLEMAN. CAMP SONGS?

WHAT KIND OF AN
ARMY IS THIS ANYWAY?

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE
BUDDY-BUDDY WITH YOUR OFFICERS.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE SCARED OF 'EM.

- SOMETIMES THEY'RE
PRETTY SCARED OF ME.

- THE ARMY'S SUPPOSED
TO BE ROCK AND IRON,

NOT SILK AND SATIN.

- YOU'VE GOT IT ALL WRONG.

EVERYTHING IN THE
ARMY ISN'T SOFT AND EASY.

- IT'S GOOD TO HEAR THAT.

FOR A MINUTE THERE,
YOU HAD ME WORRIED.

OH, AND THE FOOD, THE FOOD.

HEY, I'LL BET THAT'S JUST
AS MISERABLE AS EVER, HUH?

OH, WINNIE, WAIT TILL YOU
GET A LOAD OF THIS ARMY FOOD.

OH, IT'S WHOLESOME
AND NOURISHING,

YEAH, BUT IT TAKES STRONG
TEETH TO BREAK IT DOWN

AND REAL GUTS TO
SWALLOW IT, HUH?

- PRETTY GOOD
SIRLOIN, HUH, DOBE?

- NOT AS GOOD AS THE
PORTERHOUSE YESTERDAY.

- YEAH. MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT,

BUT REMEMBER TODAY WE GOT
COCONUT CUSTARD PIE FOR DESSERT,

AND YESTERDAY ALL WE
GOT WAS HOT FUDGE SUNDAES.

- WELL,

THIS AIN'T THE WAY
WE USED TO DO IT.

- HEY, MAYBE WE'LL WIN

THE BRIGADE PING PONG
TITLE THIS YEAR, HUH?

- YEAH. I HOPE SO.

THAT'D MEAN THREE-DAY
PASSES FOR EVERYBODY.

- OH, THIS AIN'T THE
WAY WE USED TO DO IT.

- HOW DO YOU DO,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

AND WELCOME TO NUMBER 12 IN
OUR SERIES OF GREAT DEBATES.

OUR MOTTO FOR TODAY IS

A THINKING SOLDIER
IS A HAPPY SOLDIER.

AS WE ALL KNOW,

THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A
GOOD SHARP BATTLE OF WITS

TO FLEX OUR LAZY MENTAL MUSCLES.

THE TOPIC TO FOR TODAY IS,

RESOLVED: THAT MARS
SHOULD BE AN OPEN PLANET.

- OOH, THIS AIN'T THE
WAY WE USED TO DO IT.

- WHAT KIND OF AN
OUTFIT IS THIS ANYWAY?

SOFT BEDS AND GOOD FOOD
AND LIKING YOUR OFFICERS?

OH, YOU BOYS ARE SPOILED.

YOU GOT GOOD POTENTIAL,
BUT YOU'RE SPOILED.

AND WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN TO YOU

WHEN YOU GET OUT IN THE
FIELD WITH THIS KIND OF TRAINING?

SNAFU, THAT'S WHAT.

- WE TRAINED HARD FOR TOMORROW.

- YEAH. WE WENT THROUGH,
LIKE, THE WRINGER.

- YEAH? WELL, WHAT
DO YOU GOTTA DO?

- WELL, IT... IT'S CONFIDENTIAL.

- A MILITARY SECRET?
- WELL, SORT OF.

- WELL, THEN YOU
MUSTN'T TELL ANYBODY,

ESPECIALLY YOUR FATHER.

COME ON, HERBERT.

- NOW, NOW. HOLD ON, WIN...
- COME ON, DEAR.

- YOU GO AHEAD.
I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

- WELL, ALL RIGHT.
YOU'D BETTER BE.

GOOD NIGHT, BOYS.

AND REMEMBER,

[WHISPERING] LOOSE
LIPS SINK SHIPS.

- WHAT A MEMORY SHE'S GOT.

"LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS."

YOU'D THINK I WAS SOME KIND OF
AN ENEMY AGENT OR SOMETHING.

NOBODY HAS TO TELL FIRST
SERGEANT HERBERT T. GILLIS

ABOUT SECURITY.
- I'M GLAD.

- OKAY. NOW, WHAT'S THIS
SECRET MISSION YOU'RE GOING ON?

- DAD.
- COME ON.

- NO.
- A RAID, EH?

OH, AN SECRET RAID
BEHIND ENEMY TERRITORY.

THAT'S IT, HUH?

- WELL, SORT OF.

- MM-HMM. AND THIS IS THE SQUAD?

- UH-HUH.
- TELL YOU WHAT,

I'M GONNA DO YOU BOYS A FAVOR.

- DAD, DO ME A FAVOR AND DON'T.

- I AM PERSONALLY

GONNA GET YOU GUYS IN
SHAPE FOR THESE MANEUVERS.

- DAD.
- DAD.

- LOOK, ALL I ASK... DAD? HMM.

IS DIG INTO MY LITTLE
BAG OF TRICKS FROM WWII,

AND THIS WILL BE THE BEST
OUTFIT IN THIS MAN'S ARMY.

- DAD.
- DAD.

- NOW YOU WONDER HOW...

MAYNARD, YOU STAY
OUT OF THIS, WILL YA?

NOW, YOU WONDER HOW
I'M GONNA DO IT, HUH?

- NOT ME. I WASN'T
WONDERING, MM-MM.

- MAYNARD. WELL, I'LL TELL
YOU HOW I'M GONNA DO IT.

I'M GONNA BREAK YOU
OUT BEFORE REVEILLE.

I'M GONNA USE UP YOUR
TWO HOURS OF REST PERIODS.

I'M GONNA USE UP YOUR SACK TIME.

I'M GONNA USE UP
YOUR RECREATION TIME.

- AND I WASN'T EVEN WONDERING.
- MAYNARD.

- YOU'RE WONDERING
WHAT I'M GONNA DO

WITH THESE PRECIOUS HOURS, HUH?

- NOT ME. I WASN'T WONDERING.

WERE YOU WONDERING, DOBE?
- NOT REALLY.

- MAYNARD, ONE MORE CRACK
OUT OF YOU AND... [WHISTLES]

WELL, THE OLD SARGE, THAT'S ME.

I'M GONNA TEACH YOU
HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT,

JUNGLE WARFARE,

HOW TO SURVIVE, HOW TO LIVE.

- HOW TO CUT OUT.
- MAYNARD.

- LET HIM GO IF HE
WANTS TO, THE SLACKER.

WE DON'T WANT ANY
GOLDBRICKS IN THIS OUTFIT.

- OH, MAYNARD'S NO SLACKER, DAD.

HE'S AS BRAVE AND FULL OF
FIGHT AS ANY MAN IN THIS SQUAD.

- I AM?
- SURE YOU ARE.

- SURE I AM. I AM?

- RIGHT. AND HE'LL STICK
WITH US NO MATTER WHAT.

- I WILL?
- SURE YOU WILL.

I WILL. I WILL?
- RIGHT.

- I'M DOING A LOT OF THINGS
I NEVER THOUGHT I DID.

- MAYNARD, GO TO SLEEP.
- OKAY.

[SNORING]
- HE'S SLEEPING IN HIS UNIFORM.

- YEAH. THAT'S
HOW HE PRESSES IT.

- WELL, THAT FIGURES.

- DAD, I APPRECIATE
WHAT YOU WANT TO DO,

BUT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH
THESE MANEUVERS OURSELVES.

- AND THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO,

ONLY I'M GONNA SHOW
YOU HOW TO DO 'EM BETTER.

AW, COME ON, BOY,

YOU CAN'T DENY YOUR FATHER

A CHANCE TO DO
SOMETHING FOR HIS SON.

- OH, YOU'VE DONE
PLENTY FOR ME, DAD.

- OH, NO, I HAVEN'T.

I NEVER HAD A LOT OF
MONEY TO GIVE YOU,

AND I'M CERTAINLY
NOT THE BEST EDUCATED

OR MOST CULTURED
GUY IN THE WORLD.

- WELL, THAT'S TRUE, DAD.

- DON'T AGREE SO QUICK, HUH?

- OH, SORRY. SORRY.

- IT'S OKAY. IT'S JUST THAT...

WELL, THERE'S ONE
THING I CAN GIVE YOU.

IT'S THE BENEFIT OF MY
EXPERIENCE IN THE ARMY.

OH, YOU CAN'T BLAME A FATHER

FOR WANTING TO DO
SOMETHING GOOD FOR YOU.

- I DON'T KNOW, DAD.

- OH, COME ON.
- WELL...

- COME ON, I'M TRYING
TO GET SOME SLEEP.

- ALL RIGHT, DAD.

MAYNARD, GO BACK TO SLEEP.
- OKAY.

- OH, THANK YOU, BOY. AND
YOU'LL NEVER REGRET THIS.

WELL, YOU BETTER HIT THE
SACK AND SLEEP ON THE DOUBLE

BECAUSE I'M GONNA MAKE
THESE GUYS HIT THE DECK

TOMORROW MORNING AT 0400.

THAT'S 4:00 IN THE
MORNING. A.M., YOU KNOW.

- OH, I'M GONNA TURN
'EM INTO VICIOUS,

SNARLING, FIGHTING MACHINES.

- YOU RANG?

- IN-OUT, IN-RIGHT,
IN-OUT, IN-LEFT,

IN-OUT, IN, AND HALT, 1, 2.

HA! AND THAT JUST
ABOUT DOES IT, MEN.

I WANNA SAY YOU REALLY
SHOWED THE OLD SARGE SOMETHING.

YOU DONE YOUR CALISTHENICS,

YOUR CREEPIN' AND CRAWLIN',

YOUR COVER AND
CONCEALMENT, HAND-TO-HAND.

NOW THERE'S JUST ONE MORE THING:

SCALING A WALL.
- [ALL GROAN]

- NO TALKING IN THE RANKS THERE.

ALL RIGHT. NOW,

ON THE DOUBLE,
GET READY TO SCALE.

MAYNARD, YOU ARE THE MAN OVER.

- DO I, LIKE, HAVE TO?
- YOU, LIKE, HAVE TO.

ALL RIGHT?

ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, GO!

THAT DOES IT. YOU'RE UP!

[SHOUTING ENCOURAGEMENT]

- COOL-OOL-OOL-OOL...

- WELL, MEN, THAT DOES
IT. AND I JUST WANT TO SAY

THAT I'VE NEVER LED A FINER
GROUP OF MEN IN MY LIFE.

OF COURSE YOU'VE HAD THE
BENEFIT OF MY EXPERIENCE,

BUT WE WON'T TELL
ANYBODY ABOUT THAT, HUH?

AND I JUST WANT TO WISH YOU

THE BEST OF LUCK ON
YOUR SECRET MISSION.

YOU BETTER GET BACK
TO YOUR BARRACKS.

TEN-HUT! DISMISSED.

- HEY, SARGE, I MEAN,
DAD, COME HERE.

- WHAT ARE YOU GRINNING ABOUT?
- HUH?

- WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HIM?
- HUH.

- HE'S DEAF, DAD.
- DEAF?

- HE LANDED ON HIS HEAD.

- I LANDED ON MY HEAD.

- HE ALWAYS DOES.
- I ALWAYS DO.

- OH, MY GOSH, THIS IS TERRIBLE.

HOW LONG DOES IT USUALLY LAST?
- HUH?

- NOT MORE THAN A DAY
OR TWO MOST OF THE TIME.

- HUH?

- LISTEN; WE GOTTA GET
THIS GUY TO THE MEDICS.

- YEAH.
- WHICH WAY IS THE HOSPITAL?

- OVER THAT WAY.
- ALL RIGHT.

THEN YOU TAKE ONE
ARM, I'LL TAKE THE OTHER,

AND WE'LL LEAD HIM OVER.

- HOLD. I KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

YOU'RE SAYING YOU'RE GONNA
TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL.

I'M NOT GOING 'CAUSE
I'M PART OF THIS SQUAD,

AND IF I DON'T SHOW
UP, THE WHOLE SQUAD

WILL BE, LIKE, GROUNDED.

- BUT MAYNARD, YOU
CAN'T COME ALONG,

YOU CAN'T EVEN HEAR COMMANDS.
- HUH?

- MAYNARD, YOU'VE
GOT TO GO WITH US.

[MOUTHING WORDS]

- GO WITH YOU?
- YEAH.

- NO, SIR. IF MY SQUAD FAILS,

THERE'S GONNA BE NO
THREE-DAY PASSES FOR NOBODY,

AND I CAN'T LET MY
GOOD BUDDIES DOWN,

NOT ME, MAYNARD G.
KREBS, PRIVATE, U.S. ARMY.

- THIRD SQUAD, ATTENTION, MEN:

REPORT TO THE STAGING
AREA ON THE DOUBLE.

MANEUVERS BEGIN AT SUNUP.

- WHAT ARE YOU
GUYS LISTENING TO?

- YOU SEE, MAYNARD,
YOU CAN'T GO.

- HUH?
- DOBE,

YOU THINK WE COULD
FIND A REPLACEMENT?

- WITH ONLY A COUPLE
OF MINUTES LEFT,

WHERE ARE WE GONNA
FIND A REPLACEMENT?

- MM, I THINK I KNOW WHERE.

- IF YOU'RE THINKING WHAT
I THINK YOU'RE THINKING,

NO OFFENSE, DAD, BUT
NO. YOU COULDN'T DO IT.

- MAYNARD, GET OUT
OF THOSE FATIGUES.

- DAD, THIS IS A VERY
TRICKY ASSIGNMENT.

- MAYNARD?
- HUH?

- GET OUT OF THOSE FATIGUES.
- HUH?

- YOU GUYS EARNED THIS PASS,

AND I'M NOT GONNA KEEP
YOU FROM GETTING IT.

- DAD, YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE GETTING INTO.

- I'M GETTING INTO MAYNARD'S
FATIGUES, THAT'S WHAT.

- COME ON.

- ALL RIGHT, YOU
GUYS, THAT'S IT.

PICK UP YOUR GEAR.
YOU KNOW YOUR JOBS.

NOTHING MORE TO SAY
THAN GOOD LUCK. MOVE!

- NOBODY'S LOOKING, DAD.
YOU CAN STILL DUCK OUT.

- DON'T WORRY, BOY,
THE OLD SERGEANT

AIN'T GONNA LET
YOU DOWN. COME ON.

- HERE YOU SEE THE START
OF OPERATION XERXES.

THESE MEN, YOUR BOYS,

ARE STARTING A MISSION WHICH
THEY REHEARSED FOR WEEKS.

NOW, LET'S GET INTO THE BUSES

AND PROCEED TO
THE OPERATIONAL SITE

FOR THE DRAMATIC
CONCLUSION. OVER THIS WAY.

- LIEUTENANT
MERIWETHER. LIEUTENANT,

ISN'T THERE SOME WAY THAT
WE COULD LOCATE MY HUSBAND?

HE WAS WITH MY SON.

- THERE'S BUS TRANSPORTATION

FROM THE BARRACKS
TO THE FIELD, MRS. GILLIS.

DON'T WORRY, YOUR HUSBAND
ISN'T GOING TO MISS OUT ON THIS.

- AN AIRPLANE.

WHAT ARE WE DOING
IN AN AIRPLANE?

- DAD, I'VE BEEN
TRYING TO TELL YOU.

- YOU GUYS GOT IT SOFT.

IN MY DAY, WE HAD
TO SLOG OUR WAY

OVER TO THE MANEUVER AREA.

OH, WE WERE FOOT SOLDIERS

IN THOSE DAYS, BOY.
- DAD.

- NOWADAYS THEY CHAUFFEUR
YOU AROUND IN AIRPLANES.

OH, THIS AIN'T THE
WAY WE USED TO DO IT.

- DAD...
- OH, FOR GOODNESS SAKE,

WHAT ARE YOU SO NERVOUS ABOUT?

WHAT'S TO BE AFRAID OF
OVER A LITTLE AIRPLANE RIDE?

WHY, I FLEW OVER TO CLEVELAND

TO SEE YOUR
GRANDMOTHER LAST SUMMER,

AND I WASN'T NERVOUS,
NOT FOR ONE MINUTE.

- DAD, WILL YOU LISTEN?

- CHECK YOUR GEAR.

- GEAR. IN MY DAY, GEAR
MEANT A BIG HEAVY PACK.

NOW IT'S A PARACHUTE.

OH, WHAT A BUNCH OF
LILY-LIVERED PANTYWAISTS.

CAN'T EVEN TAKE A
LITTLE AIRPLANE RIDE

WITHOUT WEARING A PARACHUTE.
- SHH.

- I FLEW ALL THE
WAY TO CLEVELAND

WITHOUT ONE, AND BACK TOO.

- OKAY, DAD, I GIVE UP.

I'LL SAY NO MORE.
- GOOD.

- BECAUSE IT'S TOO LATE.

- TOO LATE FOR WHAT?

WILL YOU STOP JABBERING
AND CALM DOWN?

- YOU GUYS ALL SET?

- YOU BET I AM. YOUR OLD
SARGE WON'T LET YOU DOWN.

- ALL RIGHT.

WE'RE OVER TARGET.

STAND UP AND HOOK UP.

- OKAY, DAD. THIS IS IT.

TAKE YOUR STATIC
LINE AND HOOK IT UP.

- YEAH. YEAH. I HEARD
HIM. STAND UP AND HOOK...

STAND UP AND HOOK UP!

- THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING
TO TELL YOU. WE'RE JUMPING.

- WE'RE JUMPING!
I AIN'T JUMPING.

- I TRIED TO TELL YOU.
- I WON'T.

- YOU GOTTA DO IT.

- LOOK, I'M A CITIZEN
AND A TAXPAYER.

I KNOW MY RIGHTS.

- IT'S EASY, DAD.
- I WON'T.

- JUST STEP OUT.
- I'M OVER-AGE.

- ALL RIGHT. GET READY.

- JUST COUNT 3,

AND THEN IF YOUR CHUTE
DOESN'T OPEN, PULL THIS.

- YOU GUYS JUMP, I'LL
MEET YOU AFTER WE LAND.

- DAD.

- 10 SECONDS. WATCH
FOR THE GREEN LIGHT.

- 10 SECONDS, GREEN LIGHT.

- MOVE TO THE DOOR.

- MOVE TO THE DOOR?

- HERE THEY COME.

YOUR BOYS HITTING THE SILK.

A GREAT MOMENT FOR
YOU PROUD PARENTS.

- OH, I DON'T KNOW
WHETHER I CAN WATCH.

THEY'RE SO YOUNG, SO SWEET.

- BUT THEY'RE MEN, MRS. GILLIS,

FOR ALL THEIR YOUTH.

- MY LITTLE BOY.

[BELL RINGS]

- READY, PULL!

- DAD.
- NO. NO.

- DAD, DAD, JUST SAY GERONIMO.

- GERONIMO-OH-OH-OH!

- THAT'S IT, DAD.

- HERE THEY COME.

BEAUTIFUL, ISN'T IT? BEAUTIFUL.

- OH, I DON'T KNOW WHEN
I'VE BEEN SO THRILLED.

MY LITTLE DOBIE.

- YOU CAN BE VERY
PROUD, MRS. GILLIS.

THAT TAKES A LOT OF COURAGE,

EVEN FOR A YOUNG MAN LIKE DOBIE.

- OH, POOR HERBERT.

HE'S GOING TO BE SO SORRY.

HE'S MISSED THE
MOST EXCITING PART

OF THE WHOLE WEEKEND.

- [MOANING]

- PARACHUTE JUMPING
MAY NEVER BE THE SAME,

BUT DAD FINALLY GOT HIS
FEET BACK ON THE GROUND,

AND OUR SQUAD GOT
THROUGH MANEUVERS

WITHOUT ANYBODY EVER
FINDING OUT THAT ONE OF US

WAS A SLIGHTLY OVERAGED RINGER.

YEP. DAD WAS A REAL HERO.

BRAVE, FEARLESS AND DARING.

AND THEN HE HAD TO FACE MOM.

- NOW, WINNIE, I CAN EXPLAIN.

- IF IT WEREN'T FOR HIM,

WE ALL WOULD HAVE
BEEN SCARED TO JUMP.

- YEAH?
- YEAH. YEAH.

- HE GAVE US COURAGE TO DO
WHAT WE ARE ALL AFRAID TO DO.

- YES. YES, I DID.

- IF ANYBODY DESERVES
CONGRATULATIONS, IT'S DAD.

- OH, WELL, I...

- MOM, DAD WAS A REAL HERO.

- NO. I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.

- NAH, NEITHER WOULD I.

- WELL, PARENTS
VISITING WEEKEND IS OVER,

AND WE'RE BACK TO THE
HARD, RIGOROUS, SPARTAN LIFE.

OH, SURE, IT WAS
FUN KIDDING AROUND

WITH OUR FOLKS AND RELAXING,

BUT WE'RE SOLDIERS
WITH A JOB TO BE DONE.

SOLDIERS WITH A
GOAL TO BE REACHED.

SOLDIERS... WELL,
MOSTLY WE'RE SOLDIERS.

- I'M NO SOLDIER. ALL
THROUGH TRAINING

I'VE BEEN LIKE A GALLSTONE
AROUND YOUR NECK.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S
MILLSTONE AROUND MY NECK.

- SEE? SEE? EVEN YOU, MY BEST
AND ONLY GOOD BUDDY ADMIT IT.

- I DO NOT ADMIT.

I MEAN, YOU'RE NO MILLSTONE.

WHY, YOU'VE BEEN MAKING
YOUR OWN BUNK FOR DAYS NOW,

CARRYING YOUR OWN PACK.

YOU'RE A REAL DOGFACE
JUST LIKE THE REST OF US.

YOU'RE IMPORTANT,
VALUABLE, NEEDED.

- GEE, DOBE, I...
- SO COME ON.

GET UP OFF YOUR SACK,
TAKE A SHOWER OR TWO,

AND WE'LL GO TO CHOW.
- COOL, DOBE, I'M WITH YOU.

A COUPLE MORE DAYS
AND WE'VE GOT IT MADE,

AND I'LL MAKE IT, DOBE.

WALK RIGHT UP TO THE SOAP, I...

HEY, DOBE?
- HMM?

- DO I HAVE TO?
- WHAT?

- SHOWER?

- YEAH.
- YEAH.

- [SINGING]

DOBE, DO I REALLY HAVE TO?

- YOU REALLY HAVE TO.

- YEAH.
- YEAH.

AH, DOBE.

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪

♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪