The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 2, Episode 33 - Everything But the Truth - full transcript

- LIKE HI, GOOD BUDDY.
THE MAIL JUST GOT IN.

- OH? ANYTHING IN IT?

- YEAH, LETTERS.

- YEAH. I MEAN, IS THERE
ANYTHING IN IT FOR ME?

- YEAH. ONE LETTER,
AND I PICKED IT UP,

AND I'M, LIKE, GUARDING
IT WITH MY LIFE.

- OH, THANKS, MAYNARD.

- YEAH. I DIDN'T
WANT TO LOSE IT,

BECAUSE IT SMELLS IN PERFUME.

PROBABLY FROM A CHICK, HUH?
- GOOD. LET'S HAVE IT.

- I DIDN'T WANT TO TAKE
NO CHANCES ON DROPPING IT



BECAUSE I KNOW HOW YOU
FLIP OVER MAIL FROM CHICKS.

- YEAH. I'M DEEPLY
GRATEFUL, MAYNARD.

NOW, GIVE ME THE LETTER.
- I MEAN,

FRIENDLY MAIL HELPS BOOST
THE MORALE OF US CATS

IN THE ARMED FORCES.
- UH-HUH.

- AND YOUR MORALE NEEDS
A BIG HUNK OF BOOSTING.

- YEAH. FINE. FINE.
WHERE'S THE LETTER?

- I UNDERSTAND MY RESPONSIBILITY
TO YOU, A FELLOW SOLDIER,

SO I PUT IT AWAY WHERE I
COULDN'T NEVER LOSE IT.

- NO. MAYNARD...
- YOU GOTTA ADMIT,

WHEN I PUT SOMETHING
AWAY, I PUT IT AWAY REAL GOOD.

- REAL GOOD. YEAH. MAYNARD...
- I MEAN, YOU'RE MY GOOD BUDDY.

I WOULDN'T LET NOTHING
HAPPEN TO SOMETHING

MY GOOD BUDDY, LIKE,
GOT HIS HEART SET ON.



- UH-HUH. MAYNARD...

- SEE HOW GOOD I AM?
- EXCELLENT, MAYNARD.

CAPTAIN KIDD COULDN'T
HAVE DONE BETTER

IF IT WAS BURIED TREASURE.

AH, THIS IS GREAT.

I WONDER WHO IT'S FR...

IT'S FROM ZELDA GILROY.

- HUH. HOW COME OLD
ZEL KEEPS WRITING YOU,

THE WAY YOU TREAT HER SO
MEAN AND ROTTEN, NO OFFENSE.

- NO OFFENSE. MAYNARD, YOU
KNOW I'M NOT ONE TO BRAG,

BUT I CAN SAFELY STATE THAT
ZELDA WILL NEVER STOP WRITING.

SHE'S APE FOR ME.
- YEAH?

- COMPLETELY GONE.

BUT I'M GONNA LET HER DANGLE

UNTIL I DECIDE WHAT
TO DO ABOUT HER.

MEANWHILE, SHE'LL KEEP
THROWING HERSELF AT ME

AND SENDING ME PRESENTS

AND WRITING ME SWEET, MUSHY,
SENTIMENTAL LOVESICK LETTERS.

JUST LISTEN TO THIS.

"DEAR RAT..."

♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

[SCATTING] ♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

- THIS INNOCENT-LOOKING
DOCUMENT'S NOT REALLY A LETTER.

IT'S A DECLARATION
OF REVOLUTION.

I MEAN, FOR YEARS,
ZELDA GILROY'S BEEN

MADLY IN LOVE WITH
ME, MY DEVOTED SLAVE,

AND NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN, THIS.

IT'S SCARY.

"DEAR RAT..." MY
NAME IS ZELDA GILROY.

"REMEMBER ME, YOU
GOOD-FOR-NOTHIN' BUM?

"ZELDA GILROY, FROM
THE HOMEMADE COOKIES

"AND THE HAND-KNITTED SOCKS
AND THE MONOGRAMMED SCARF.

"ZELDA GILROY FROM
THE EMPTY MAILBOX

"AND STUPID TRUSTING HEART.

"I'M AS PATRIOTIC
AS THE NEXT FELLA,

"AND I HAVE NO WISH TO BE
UNKIND TO A BOY IN UNIFORM,

BUT YOU, BUSTER, ARE
A LOWDOWN SKUNK."

- ALSO A MISERABLE SCOUNDREL,
AND A NO-GOOD WRETCH.

- RAT, A BUM, A SKUNK,

A SCOUNDREL AND A WRETCH.

HOW COME YOU BOTHER WITH HIM?
- WHAT'S THE MATTER, KID,

DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE
TRUE LOVE WHEN YOU SEE IT?

- IF THAT'S LOVE, I'D RATHER
HAVE MY TONSILS OUT AGAIN.

- YOU'RE RIGHT, JENNY.

THAT BOUNDER'S PUSHED
ME AROUND LONG ENOUGH.

- ATTA GIRL, ZEL.
- IT'S FINISHED, KAPUT, ENDED.

- NOW YOU'RE TALKIN'.
- WE'RE PFFT!

- YAY, GILROY.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO

WHEN HE COMES CRAWLING
BACK TO ME ON HIS KNEES?

- TOSS HIM ON HIS EAR.

- WORSE THAN THAT.

- BASH HIM IN THE TEETH.

- WORSE THAN THAT.
- WOW, WHAT?

- I'M GONNA...

- Both: TAKE HIM BACK, - YEAH.

- ZEL, YOU'VE BEEN MY IDOL
EVER SINCE I MOVED IN NEXT DOOR

AND DECIDED YOU
WERE GONNA BE MY IDOL,

BUT, GIRL, YOU'VE GONE WIG.

I MEAN, WIG.
- JUST WAIT, CHILD.

ONE OF THESE DAYS YOU'LL
GROW UP AND LEARN TO SUFFER.

- MIGHT AS WELL STOP EATING
ALTOGETHER AND STUNT MY GROWTH.

- HEY, DIG WHAT'S HONORING
US WITH HER PRESENCE,

MISS ROCHELLE KINCHELOW.

LA-DI-DAH.

IF SHE STUCK HER NOSE
UP IN THE AIR ANY FARTHER,

SHE'D FLOP OVER BACKWARDS.

- BONJOUR, MA CHER ZELDA.

- HI, ROCHELLE. I DIDN'T
KNOW YOU WERE BACK IN TOWN.

- OH, JUST PASSING
THROUGH ON MY WAY BACK

TO THE FASHIONABLE
ROCHERCHEZ FINISHING SCHOOL

I ATTEND IN THE EAST.

- GOODIE.

- IN HONOR OF THE OCCASION,

MY FAMILY IS THROWING A LAVISH
PARTY FOR ME ON SUNDAY NIGHT.

YOU WILL ATTEND.

- GEE, THANKS,
ROCHELLE, I'D LOVE TO.

- YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY A
MEMBER OF MY SOCIAL SET,

BUT SINCE WE DID GO TO
SCHOOL TOGETHER AT ONE TIME,

I FEEL I OWE IT TO YOU.
- THANKS A LOT.

- NATURALLY ALL THE GIRLS ARE
EXPECTED TO ATTEND WITH ESCORTS,

BUT I EXPECT IN YOUR CASE WE
SHALL HAVE TO MAKE AN EXCEPTION.

- NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
- UNLESS, MA PETITE,

YOU WOULD LIKE YOUR
FATHER TO BRING YOU.

- NOW, HOLD ON.
- OR MAYBE YOUR BROTHER.

- KICK HER, ZEL.

- OR I COULD ARRANGE
A BLIND DATE FOR YOU

WITH ONE OF MY DISCARDED BEAUX.

- NOW, JUST A MINUTE,
ROCHELLE, JUST A DARN MINUTE.

WHAT MAKES YOU SO DOGGONE
SURE I CAN'T GET MY OWN DATE?

- [SIMPERS] COME NOW.

- OH I'LL GET YA
RIGHT IN THE LABANZA.

- ZELDA, MON ENFANT,

PERHAPS YOU WOULD RATHER
COME TO THE PARTY ALONE,

YOU'RE SO USED TO IT.

VRAIMENT, MA PETITE CHOU?

VRAIMENT, MA PETITE
CHOU YOURSELF, SISTER.

IT JUST SO HAPPENS I CAN
GET A DATE FOR MYSELF.

- OF COURSE YOU CAN.
- YOU BET I CAN,

WITH AN ADORABLE, CHARMING,
DEVASTATINGLY ATTRACTIVE FELLOW.

- DO TELL.

- YES. HE'LL TAKE
ME TO YOUR PARTY

OR ANYWHERE ELSE I
WANT HIM TO BECAUSE...

BECAUSE, WELL... WE'RE...
SECRETLY ENGAGED.

- OH? AND WHAT
PRAY TELL IS THE NAME

OF THIS CE CHARMANT GARÇON?

- DOBIE GILLIS, THAT'S
WHAT HIS NAME IS,

AND HE'S CRAZY
MAD IN LOVE WITH ME.

- OH?
- OH, OH.

- FINE. HMM.

I SHALL FORWARD TO
MEETING THE LUCKY FELLOW.

- AH, WHO DON'T?

- AU REVOIR, MY ZELDA.

TILL SUNDAY NIGHT...

WITH YOUR FIANCÉ.
- YOU BET.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

- A NUT.

A GENUINE, CERTIFIED NUT.
- NOW WAIT, JENNY.

- ALL MY LIFE I HEARD ABOUT 'EM,

BUT THIS IS THE FIRST
TIME I EVER HAD A CHANCE

TO SEE ONE IN THE FLESH. WOW.

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
SO I EXAGGERATED A LITTLE.

- HA!
- SO I FIBBED A TRIFLE.

- HA!
- SO I LIED.

- THAT'S THE WORD.

- WELL, YOU CAN'T BLAME ME.

THAT TWERP ROCHELLE
STARTED IT ALL,

GLOATING AND INSULTING ME AND
MAKING ME FEEL LIKE TWO CENTS

AND, OH, JENNY, I'VE
DONE A TERRIBLE THING.

- TRUE.

- AND WHEN SHE FINDS
OUT, SHE'LL LAUGH AT ME.

SHE'LL TELL THE
WHOLE TOWN ABOUT ME.

I WISH I WERE DEAD.
- TRUE.

- THERE'S ONLY ONE THING TO DO.

I'VE GOTTA GO TO ROCHELLE
AND TELL HER THE TRUTH

AND THROW MYSELF ON HER MERCY.

- TR... OH, NO.

- IN A MOMENT OF
CHILDISH ANGER AND PRIDE,

I DID A TERRIBLE THING,
AND NOW I'VE GOTTA

GO OVER TO HER HOUSE
AND MAKE UP FOR IT.

- OH, NO, ZEL. YOU
CAN'T DO THAT.

SHE'LL SNEER AND CACKLE
AND RUB YOUR NOSE IN THE DIRT.

- BROTHER, WILL SHE.
BUT IT'S GOTTA BE DONE.

- ZEL, THIS IS BIGGER
THAN JUST YOU.

I MEAN, WHAT ABOUT
THE REST OF US GIRLS

THAT GOT SHORTCHANGED
IN THE LOOKS DEPARTMENT?

- WHAT?

- YOU'RE A SHINING
EXAMPLE OF A GIRL

WHO HAS MADE GOOD IN THIS WORLD,

IN SPITE OF LIMITED PHYSICAL
RESOURCES, AND NO SHAPE,

AND A FACE THAT WOULDN'T
TURN A SINGLE HEAD

IN AN ISOLATED NAVY BASE.

- WELL, I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.

- DON'T BE MODEST,
ZEL. YOU'RE OUR LEADER.

- JENNY...
- MOM SAYS

IF YOU CAN CATCH A FELLA,

THEN THERE'S HOPE
FOR THE REST OF US.

- JENNY...
- BUT DON'T LET THAT ROCHELLE

KICK YOU WHEN YOU'RE DOWN.

FIGHT BACK. DON'T QUIT.
- JENNY...

- QUITTERS NEVER WIN
AND WINNERS NEVER QUIT.

- JENNY...
- REMEMBER THE MAINE!

- JENNY!
- TIPPECANOE AND TYLER TOO.

- NOW CUT THAT OUT.

- ZEL, THIS IS IMPORTANT.

DON'T LET THAT DUMB TOAD
MAKE A JERK OUT OF YOU.

DON'T GIVE UP THE SHIP.
SHOW US DOGS WE CAN WIN.

- WELL...
- AHA! YOU GOT A PLAN, HUH?

I CAN TELL BY THE GLEAM
IN THOSE BEADY LITTLE EYES.

- WELL, SORT OF A PLAN.

- WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
WHAT WHAT WHAT?

- IT IS, AS YOU MIGHT EXPECT
SINCE IT DEVELOPED IN MY BRAIN,

A HIGHLY INGENIOUS SCHEME.

- YES. YEAH. YES?

- NOW HEAR THIS.
- YOU SPEAK, I HEAR, MY LEADER.

- WHAT WOULD HAPPEN
IF THAT SNOOTY PILL

GOT HER NOSE OUT OF THE AIR LONG
ENOUGH TO COME OVER MY HOUSE

AND HEAR ME GET A
SWEET, STICKY, SENTIMENTAL,

LONG-DISTANCE PHONE
CALL FROM DOBIE?

- SHE'D POSITIVELY DIE.

- AND WHAT IF SHE SAW ME GET A
MUSHY, GOOEY POEM FROM HIM?

- SHE'D BLOW HER STACK.

- AND WHAT IF SHE SAW ME
GET A TREMENDOUS BOUQUET

OF GORGEOUS FLOWERS FROM HIM?

- SHE'D ABSOLUTELY ZOOM
OFF INTO ORBIT. SHE'D...

NO OFFENSE, ZEL, BUT YOU
SLIPPED YOUR TROLLEY ALTOGETHER.

NONE OF THESE
THINGS COULD HAPPEN

BECAUSE DOBIE AVOIDS
YOU LIKE THE MEASLES.

- YOU KNOW THAT AND I
KNOW IT AND DOBIE KNOWS IT,

BUT ROCHELLE?

- WHAT A SCHEME. THERE'S
NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.

YOU'RE BOUND TO BE
FIRST WOMAN PRESIDENT.

- YEP. IT'S A FOOLPROOF PLAN.

I TALKED TO DOBIE'S
MOTHER A FEW MINUTES AGO.

I CALL HER 20, 30 TIMES A DAY,

AND SHE SAID DOBIE'S
GOT SO MANY DEMERITS

HE'LL NEVER GET A
PASS THIS WEEKEND.

- HEY LOOK, DOBE, WE'RE
GETTING A PASS FOR THIS WEEKEND.

- IMPOSSIBLE,
MAYNARD. TO GET A PASS

YOU'VE GOTTA GO A WHOLE
WEEK WITH LESS THAN 15 DEMERITS,

AND I'VE ALREADY GOT 18.
HOW MANY HAVE YOU GOT?

- 87.
- 87?!

- IT WAS A SHORT WEEK. I SPENT
THREE DAYS IN THE INFIRMARY.

- MAYNARD...
- BUT I'M IMPROVING.

LAST WEEK I GOT 115.
- LOOK, MAYNARD...

- WANT TO KNOW WHY THE
SERGEANT GAVE ME 115 DEMERITS

IN ONE WEEK?
- NO, MAYNARD.

- OKAY. I'LL TELL YOU.
- NOT NOW, MAYNARD.

- I WAS WEARING CLEAN SHOES.
- MAYNARD, SOME OTHER...

DEMERITS FOR
WEARING CLEAN SHOES?

- YEAH. I SCRUBBED
THEM AND POLISHED THEM

AND SHINED THEM AND PUT THEM ON.

- MM-HMM. MAYNARD,

WHY WOULD THE SERGEANT
GIVE YOU DEMERITS

FOR WEARING CLEAN SHOES?

- THEY WERE HIS SHOES.

HE HAD TO RUN AROUND
BAREFOOT FOR THREE HOURS.

WELL, I'LL SEE YOU LATER. I
GOTTA GO SEE THE SERGEANT.

- YEAH. FINE, MAYNARD.

- I GOTTA TELL HIM
HE MADE A MISTAKE

WHEN THEY PUT UP OUR NAMES

ON THAT LIST FOR WEEKEND PASSES.

- OH, GOOD THINKING, MAYNARD.

MAYNARD! OUR NAMES,
THEY ARE ON THE LIST.

- THAT'S WHAT I TOLD
YOU, REMEMBER?

GOOD BUDDY, YOU'RE
KINDA LOSING YOUR HEAD.

- MAYNARD, YOU CAN'T TELL THE
SERGEANT HE MADE THIS MISTAKE.

- I CAN'T?
- YOU CAN'T.

BECAUSE IF YOU DO, HE'LL
TEAR DOWN THE NOTICE

AND WE'LL HAVE TO STAY IN
CAMP FOR THE WEEKEND AND DO KP

AND CLEAN THE BARRACKS
AND POLISH OUR EQUIPMENT

AND WORK ON GARBAGE DETAIL

INSTEAD OF GOING
HOME AND HAVING A BALL.

- ALL THEM THINGS HAPPEN
IF I TELL THE SERGEANT?

- RIGHT.

- HEY, DOBE?
- YEAH?

- WHAT SERGEANT?

- YOU'RE ALL BRAIN.

- PLEASE. ENOUGH OF
THIS HERO WORSHIP.

I'VE GOT EVERY DETAIL WORKED
OUT ON THIS MASTER PLAN.

- HOLY MOLY, LIKE
IN A SPY MOVIE, HUH?

HEY, DID YOU SEE THAT GASSER

WHERE PETER LORRE GETS
TRAPPED IN THIS PYRAMID, 2000...

- CHILD'S PLAY.

CHILD'S PLAY COMPARED
TO THIS MASTERPIECE.

IT'S FOOLPROOF AS LONG AS
DOBIE DOESN'T COME HOME.

- HEY, MOM, DAD, I'M HOME.

- OH, WELCOME BOY. WE'VE
BEEN WAITING FOR YOU!

- YEAH. HIYA, DAD.

- WHY, DARLING, WHAT HAVE
THEY BEEN DOING TO YOU?

YOU'RE SO THIN
AND PALE AND TIRED.

- MOM, I'VE NEVER FELT BETTER.

THE ARMY DOCTOR SAID I'M IN
PERFECT PHYSICAL CONDITION.

- ARE YOU GOING TO BELIEVE
ALL THAT MILITARY RED TAPE

OR WHAT'S IN A MOTHER'S HEART?

- ALL RIGHT. NOW, LET'S GET
ONE THING STRAIGHT, SON.

YOU'RE HOME ON FURLOUGH
TO HAVE A GOOD TIME,

AND WE DON'T WANT
YOU TO FEEL OBLIGATED

TO HANG AROUND
WITH US OLD FOLKS.

- DAD, I WANT TO
SPEND TIME WITH YOU.

- WHY, OF COURSE
HE DOES, HERBERT.

- OH, SURE. SURE, A LITTLE TIME,

BUT HE'S GOT TO HAVE SOME FUN.

I KNOW HOW IT IS WITH
SOLDIERS ON FURLOUGH.

- HERBERT.
- WELL, AFTER ALL,

YOU ARE MY PARENTS
WHO BROUGHT ME UP

AND CARED FOR ME, AND...

- YOU DON'T OWE US A THING.
- HERBERT.

- WINNIE, AFTER ALL, IF HE WANTS
TO CALL A GIRL AND GO DANCING

AND HAVE A GOOD TIME, WHO ARE...

[DOOR SLAMS CLOSED]

- I BELIEVE THE
MAGIC WORDS WERE,

"IF HE WANTS TO CALL A GIRL."

- FOR 18 YEARS HE HASN'T
PAID ANY ATTENTION TO ME,

AND HE HAS TO START NOW?

- I TRUST, MA PETITE FLEUR,

THAT YOU HAD GOOD AND SUFFICIENT
REASON FOR SENDING FOR ME?

I AM TRÈS, TRÈS BUSY
WITH MY PREPARATIONS

FOR THE GALA SOIREE?

- I SENT FOR YOU,
ROCHELLE, BECAUSE...

WELL, I WANT YOU TO HEAR THE
BAD NEWS DIRECTLY FROM ME.

- MM-HMM. DO TELL.

- YES. DOBIE JUST
CALLED FROM CAMP.

HE'S ON DUTY TOMORROW NIGHT

AND HE CAN'T GET AWAY
TO TAKE ME TO YOUR PARTY.

- QUELLE PITY. QUELLE PITY.

- I SHALL MISS HIM
DESPERATELY OF COURSE,

BUT AS WE WOMEN
OF MILITARY HEROES

HAVE DECLARED
THROUGHOUT THE AGES,

WE ALSO SERVE WHO
ONLY STAND AND WAIT.

- PERISH ME IF I WOULD
APPEAR TO MISTRUST YOU,

ZELDA, MON ANGE VIEUX,

BUT I RATHER EXPECTED
SOMETHING LIKE THIS WOULD HAPPEN.

- YOU SEE, HE'S ONE OF THEIR
MOST VALUABLE SOLDIERS,

SO NATURALLY... YOU
EXPECTED WHAT WOULD HAPPEN?

- DOBIE GILLIS WOULD
TURN OUT TO BE

THE LITTLE FIANCÉ
WHO WASN'T THERE

BECAUSE HE ISN'T
YOUR FIANCÉ AT ALL.

- HE IS TOO!
- HE IS NOT.

- HE IS TOO!
- ALL RIGHT. PROVE IT.

- HE... PROVE IT?

- PROVE IT. SOME SIGN
OF YOUR ENGAGEMENT.

A GIFT, A POEM, A
TELEPHONE CALL?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

- YOU WERE SAYING,
MY DEAR ROCHELLE?

[RING]

HELLO?

WHAT?

LONG DISTANCE?

YES, PUT HIM ON, PLEASE.

IT'S DOBIE CALLING FROM CAMP.

- OH, NONE OF YOUR
TRICKS. GIVE ME THAT PHONE.

HELLO? WHO IS THIS?

- MISS GILROY, I HAVE A
LONG-DISTANCE PHONE CALL

FOR MISS ZELDA GILROY
FROM PRIVATE DOBIE GILLIS.

MISS GILROY?

IS THIS MISS GILROY?

- IT'S FOR YOU.

- THANK YOU, ROCHELLE, MA CHER.

HELLO?

YES. PUT HIM ON PLEASE.

HELLO.

DOBIE, DEAR, IS THAT YOU?

OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO
HEAR YOUR VOICE AGAIN,

EVEN THOUGH I TALKED TO
YOU ONLY A FEW MINUTES AGO

WHEN YOU CALLED TO
TELL ME THE TERRIBLE NEWS

THAT YOU CAN'T GET AWAY
TO TAKE ME TO THE PARTY

THROWN BY MY FRIEND, ROCHELLE,

SO I'LL HAVE TO GO ALONE,

BECAUSE I WOULD NEVER
GO ANYWHERE WITH ANYONE

BUT YOU, POOPSIE.

OH, DOBIE DOLL,
YOU'RE JUST AWFUL.

- NOW GIGGLE AGAIN. LOUD.

LOUDER, GIRL.

THAT'S IT.

NOW BAT YOUR EYELIDS LIKE HE
TOLD YOU HE'S GAGA OVER YOU.

NOW BLUSH.

NOW SAY HE TELLS YOU
THE MOST ADORABLE THINGS.

HI, MRS. KENNY.

SAY, HOW'S OLD HATCHET
FACE GOING FOR THIS?

BEAUTIFULLY, JUST BEAUTIFULLY.

- [TAPPING] FLOWERS.

FLOWERS FOR MISS ZELDA GILROY.

- FLOWERS. MY, HOW EXCITING.
- YEAH.

THE USUAL FROM
PRIVATE DOBIE GILLIS.

- DOBIE, PUMPKIN, YOUR
LOVELY FLOWERS JUST ARRIVED.

BUT THERE ARE SO MANY OF THEM.

- SIX BUCKS A DOZEN.

BOY, LADY, YOU SURE
PICKED YOURSELF A LIVE ONE.

- SO IT SEEMS.

- YOU TOLD ME TO ORDER A DOZEN,

SO I FIGURED THREE DOZEN'S
THREE TIMES AS GOOD.

OH, JENNY, YOU
ARE THE CLEVER ONE.

- YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE
IT. YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T HAVE.

- DON'T WORRY, MY LEADER, I
CHARGED THEM TO YOUR FATHER.

NOW THANK ME REAL GOOEY.

- OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU,
THANK YOU, DOBIE DUMPLING.

YOU'RE SO THOUGHTFUL AND
CONSIDERATE AND WONDERFUL,

BUT DON'T YOU THINK
WE'VE TALKED LONG ENOUGH?

I MEAN, THIS LONG-DISTANCE
CALL FROM CAMP

MUST BE COSTING A FORTUNE.

ISN'T THAT THE DREAMIEST?
HE SAYS THE MUSIC OF MY VOICE

IS WORTH MORE THAN MERE MONEY.

NOW, STOP THAT, PUMPKIN.
YOU'RE MAKING ME BLUSH.

- OKAY, ZEL. YOU
BETTER HANG UP NOW.

DON'T OVERDO IT.

TELL ME HOW YOU LOVE ME
AND KISS ME GOODBYE, BABY.

- OKAY. I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

BYE-BYE TILL THEN, MY TIGER.

OHH, I CAN HARDLY WAIT. [KISS]

ANY QUESTIONS?

OHH! CARNATIONS!

MY GREAT BRONZE HUNK OF MAN

ALWAYS SENDS
CARNATIONS ON SATURDAY.

AREN'T THEY SCRUMPTIOUS?

OF COURSE, THEN
SO ARE THE ROSES.

HE ALWAYS SENDS THOSE ON MONDAY.

GRACIOUS, A POEM.

HE ALWAYS WRITES SUCH
DIVINE POEMS, THE LOVE.

ISN'T HE JUST SHAMELESS?

- WHAT'S IT SAY?

- DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW?
- [SIGHS] YES.

- OKAY. YOU TALKED ME INTO IT.

ZELDA, YOU ARE MY ANGEL,
ZELDA, YOU ARE MY LOVE,

ZELDA, I BEGAN TO ADORE YOU

THE VERY FIRST
MOMENT I SORE YOU.

- "SORE YOU"?

- POETIC LICENSE.

- THIS DOBIE GILLIS MUST BE
A MAGNIFICENT HUMAN BEING.

- OH, NOT REALLY MAGNIFICENT,

JUST FINE AND DECENT
AND UPRIGHT, EVEN HUMBLE,

SPRINGING AS HE DOES
FROM PEASANT STOCK.

HIS PARENTS RUN THE
LOCAL GROCERY STORE.

BUT HIS HEART IS PURE
AND HIS SOUL IS GOOD,

AND HE LOVES ME, AND
THAT'S WHAT REALLY COUNTS.

- VERY TOUCHING.

- YES. I RATHER LIKED IT TOO.

- FORGIVE ME FOR
DOUBTING YOU, DARLING.

- OH, FORGET IT.

IT WAS MORE FUN
THIS WAY, DARLING.

- THEN I'LL SEE YOU AT THE
PARTY TOMORROW NIGHT

EVEN WITHOUT YOUR
FIANCÉ, WON'T I, MON VIELLE?

- YOU SURE WILL, MA CROUTON.

- THANK YOU, DARLING.
I HAD A LOVELY TIME.

- LIKEWISE, I'M SURE.

TA-TA.

- THE OLD DUMB TWERP
REALLY GOT TAKEN, HUH?

- LIKE SOMEBODY
HIT HER WITH A PLANK.

- THE POOR THING.
- YEAH. THE POOR THING.

- MY SON DOBIE,
ENGAGED? HOO-HOO-HOO!

HE COULDN'T AFFORD
TO SUPPORT A GOLDFISH,

LET ALONE A WIFE.

- IT'S TRUE, MR. GILLIS.
HE IS ENGAGED.

- YOU SURE WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT THE SAME DOBIE GILLIS?

NICE-LOOKING KID, NOT
TOO TALL, NOT TOO SHORT,

NOT TOO STOUT, NOT TOO BRIGHT.
- HERBERT!

- WINNIE, THIS IS A
TIME FOR ACCURACY,

NOT MOTHERLY PRIDE.

- HERBERT, BE QUIET.

DEAR, I'M AFRAID
THERE'S SOME MISTAKE.

OUR DOBIE IS NOT ENGAGED.

- OH, POSITIVELY NOT.

HE MAY NOT BE THE
BRIGHTEST KID IN TOWN,

BUT HE'S CERTAINLY TOO SMART
TO GET CAUGHT IN THAT TRAP.

- HERBERT?

- UNTIL HE'S READY FOR IT,

OF COURSE, NATURALLY, MY DEAR.

- OH, THIS IS TRÈS CONFUSING.

WHEN I JUST HAPPENED TO WALK BY

AND SAW THE SIGN,
GILLIS'S GROCERIES,

I WAS SURE I COULD DROP BY

AND CONGRATULATE
DEAR DOBIE'S FAMILY

ON HIS UPCOMING MARRIAGE.

- NO OFFENSE, MISS, BUT IF
HE TOLD YOU HE WAS ENGAGED,

IT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU WERE
GETTING TOO INTERESTED IN HIM.

- INDEED?
- YEAH.

YOU KNOW HOW SOLDIERS ARE.

OH, I REMEMBER WHEN I
WAS SOLDIERING BACK IN WWII.

THAT WAS THE BIG WAR, YOU KNOW.

IF SOME GIRL STARTED
GETTING TOO PESKY WITH ME,

I USED TO TELL
HER, "SORRY, SISTER,

BUT I GOT A LITTLE GIRL
WAITING FOR ME BACK HOME," SO...

[WHISTLES]

WELL, UH, THIS IS A
PLACE OF BUSINESS, MISS,

NO PLACE TO BE DISCUSSING
MY SON'S PRIVATE LIFE

WITH STRANGERS.

- OH. OH, BUT I'M
NOT A STRANGER.

I'VE NEVER MET DOBIE,

BUT I AM A FRIEND
OF ZELDA GILROY.

- ZELDA, OH, MY,
SUCH A SWEET GIRL.

- YES. AND A CLOSE FRIEND
OF DOBIE'S, IS SHE NOT?

- WELL, NOT EXACTLY CLOSE.

- IT'D PRETTY HARD
FOR THEM TO GET CLOSE.

AFTER ALL, WHEN SHE SHOWS UP,
DOBIE RUNS LIKE A SCARED RABBIT.

- I SEE.

- OH, YEAH, DOBIE'S
PRETTY CAGEY ABOUT GIRLS,

NOT LIKE HIS OLD MAN, PRESENT
COMPANY EXCEPTED, MY DEAR.

- WELL, I WANTED TO INVITE DOBIE
TO A PARTY TOMORROW NIGHT.

A PITY HE'S AWAY AT CAMP.

- HE'S NOT AWAY. HE'S HOME.

THE CASH REGISTER IS SHORT,

AND IF IT'S A PARTY WITH
FOOD AND SODA POP AND GIRLS,

WHERE IS IT AND WHEN, AND
HE AUTOMATICALLY ACCEPTS.

- EXCELLENT. 8:00 AT MY HOUSE.

OH, HERE'S THE ADDRESS.

- DEAR, DOBIE HAS A FRIEND. I
WAS WONDERING WHETHER...

- OH, OF COURSE.
HE'S INVITED TOO.

I WANT EVERYBODY
TO BE IN ON THE FUN.

- WELL, ON DOBIE'S
BEHALF, I THANK YOU,

MISS, UH, KINCHELOW.

AND I'M SURE THAT YOU'LL
ENJOY MEETING DOBIE.

- OH, MORE THAN YOU KNOW.

OH, DON'T TELL HIM THAT
ZELDA WILL BE THERE.

- OH, IT'LL BE A SURPRISE, HUH?

- IT CERTAINLY WILL.

- PRETTY SHARP HEAD
ON THAT GIRL, HUH?

- TOO SHARP.

I'M NOT SURE THAT
DOBIE OUGHT TO GO.

[HUMMING]

- HEY, DAD...

DAD... DAD, WHO WAS THAT
GIRL WHO JUST WALKED OUT?

BOY, WHAT A KNOCKOUT.

- OH, SHE DIDN'T
LOOK TOO GOOD TO ME.

- MAYNARD.
- SHE WAS PRETTY FUNNY-LOOKING.

- MAYNARD.
- WHEN I SEE A GIRL LIKE THAT,

I LAUGH, LIKE, HA HA,

BUT THEN IT COMES OUT EVEN
IS WHEN GIRLS LIKE THAT SEE ME,

THEY LAUGH, LIKE, HA
HA, SOMETIMES HO HO.

MAN, WHEN WE ALL GET TOGETHER
EVERYBODY'S LIKE HA HA AND HO HO

AND ALL OVER THE PLACE.

- MAYNARD, ARE YOU FINISHED?

- LIKE, HA HA. NOW I'M DONE.

- WOULD YOU LIKE TO
TRY A LITTLE HO HO?

- HO HO.
- HO HO. FEEL BETTER?

- MM-HMM.
- GOOD.

DAD, ABOUT THAT GIRL,
WAS SHE A CUSTOMER?

- WELL, SHE WAS
SHOPPING... FOR YOU.

- FOR ME? NAH.
- FOR HIM? NAH.

- MAYNARD, YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE.

- SON, SHE WANTS TO INVITE YOU

TO SOME KIND OF A SWELL
CLAMBAKE SHE'S GIVING

UP AT HER HOUSE TOMORROW NIGHT.

- ME?
- HIM?

- MAYNARD.

ROCHELLE KINCHELOW.
THAT'S FUNNY.

I'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF HER.
- WHAT'S FUNNY ABOUT THAT?

I NEVER EVEN HEARD
OF HER EITHER.

- GOOD THINKING, MAYNARD.

DAD, I DON'T GET IT.
WHY'D SHE INVITE ME?

- WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

SHE PROBABLY SAW
YOU ON THE STREET,

LIKED WHAT SHE SAW,

FOUND OUT YOUR NAME AND
INVITED YOU TO THE PARTY.

LET'S FACE IT, WE'RE DEVILISHLY
ATTRACTIVE, WE GILLIS MEN.

- YEAH, DOBE IS, BUT
WHAT OTHER GILLIS MEN?

- MAYNARD.

BOY, WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU?

YOU USED TO BE THE FIRST KID
IN TOWN TO LATCH ONTO AN INVITE,

AND NOW HERE YOU ARE LOOKING
A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH.

- YOU'RE RIGHT, DAD.
SURE I'LL GO TO THAT PARTY.

WHAT CAN I LOSE?

- DON'T GO, DOBE.
IT WON'T BE NO FUN.

- YOU'RE INVITED TOO.

- LET'S GET THERE EARLY.

- ATTA BOY, MAYNARD.
WE'LL HAVE A BALL.

- I CHANGED MY MIND.
I DON'T WANT TO GO.

- WHY NOT?

- ANY PARTY THAT'D
INVITE ME FOR A GUEST

ISN'T THE KIND OF
PARTY I WANT TO GO TO.

HA HA. HO HO.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

- AH, HELLO, DARLINGS,
HELLO, HELLO.

AH, BUENO, CHER AMIGOS.

BEFORE LONG,
YOU'LL SEE SOMETHING

YOU NEVER EXPECTED TO SEE.

JUST WAIT, THE REAL
FUN STARTS ANY MINUTE.

RIGHT NOW.

AH, ZELDA, MY DEAR.

- HI, ROCHELLE. GEE, IT LOOKS
LIKE A WONDERFUL PARTY.

- OH, I THINK YOU'LL
FIND IT INTERESTING.

PEOPLE, PEOPLE,
PEOPLE! COME HERE.

I WANT YOU TO MEET AN
OLD FRIEND, ZELDA GILROY.

WHEN WE WERE CHILDREN,

ZELDA WAS FOND OF SHOWING
ME UP AT INTELLECTUAL PURSUITS.

- HI, KIDS.

- ZELDA IS A VERY
FORTUNATE GIRL.

SHE HAS A FINE,
HANDSOME, GALLANT FIANCÉ.

DON'T YOU, ZELDA?
- WELL, YEAH, SURE, ROCHELLE.

- UNFORTUNATELY, HE
CAN'T BE WITH US TONIGHT,

BUT HE IS ALWAYS WITH HER
IN SPIRIT, ISN'T HE, MON PETIT.

- WELL, YEAH, ROCHELLE.

- TELL US SOME OF THE WONDERFUL
THINGS HE DOES FOR YOU.

- LOOK, ROCHELLE...

- LIKE THE FLOWERS AND THE POEMS

AND THOSE LONG-DISTANCE
PHONE CALLS.

- LOOK, ROCHELLE, I DON'T
KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO,

BUT CUT IT OUT.

- I'M NOT TRYING TO DO
ANYTHING, MY SWEET,

EXCEPT TO LET EVERYBODY KNOW

HOW HAPPY YOU ARE
WITH YOUR FIANCÉ,

DOBIE GILLIS.

- DID SOMEBODY MENTION MY NAME?

- AH, THE LONG-LOST FIANCÉ.

- NO. NO. THERE'S SOME MISTAKE.

A FIAN... FIANCÉ?

- QUICK, GOOD BUDDY,
LET'S GRAB SOME FOOD

AND CUT OUT.
- MAYNARD.

- ARE YOU JUST GONNA
STAND THERE, DOBIE?

AREN'T YOU GONNA
GREET YOUR FIANCÉE?

- DOBIE, I'M SORRY.
- HUH?

- WE'VE BEEN LOOKING
FORWARD TO MEETING THE FELLOW

WHO'S BEEN SENDING ALL
THE FLOWERS AND THE POEMS

AND MAKING THOSE
ROMANTIC TELEPHONE CALLS.

- DOBE, THIS IS SPOOKY.
LET'S ZOOM, HUH?

- WELL, DOBIE?

- WELL...
- WELL, ZELDA?

- WELL...

- OH, WE'VE HAD ENOUGH
OF THIS LITTLE FARCE.

ZELDA, WHY DON'T YOU ADMIT
YOU MADE UP THE WHOLE THING

ABOUT THAT SECRET ENGAGEMENT.

YOU'RE NO MORE HIS
FIANCÉE THAN... THAN HE IS.

- ME?

- ZELDA, I'M ASHAMED OF YOU.

- DOBIE, I'M... I'M SORRY.

- I'LL NEVER FORGIVE
YOU FOR THIS.

- PLEASE, DOBIE.
- I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU

FOR DENYING US ALL THESE
MONTHS OF HAPPINESS

BY INSISTING THAT OUR
ENGAGEMENT BE KEPT SECRET.

- DOBIE!

- BUT I GUESS IT'S ALL
MY FAULT, MY BELOVED.

HOW COULD OUR
LOVE REMAIN A SECRET

WHEN THE LIGHT IN MY EYES
CANNOT HELP BUT REVEAL

HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU,
MY GREAT TAWNY ANIMAL.

- DOBIE, MY ANGEL.

- OH, I RUSHED TO YOU FROM CAMP

THE MOMENT I WAS
FREE, MY BELOVED.

HOW MY HEART CRIED FOR YOU.

AH, YES. WHY KEEP IT
HIDDEN ANY LONGER?

LET'S SHOUT IT
FROM THE ROOFTOPS.

ZELDA GILROY AND DOBIE
GILLIS ARE ENGAGED.

- OH, COME NOW.

- OH, COME NOW.
- MAYNARD.

- WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE
FOOLING, DOBIE GILLIS?

EVEN YOUR OWN FATHER
SAYS YOU'RE NOT ENGAGED.

- NATURALLY, IT'S A
SECRET ENGAGEMENT.

WHO DO YOU THINK WE WERE
KEEPING IT A SECRET FROM?

- DOBIE, YOU'RE SUPERB.
- YES.

- OH, COME NOW.
- MAYNARD.

- ZELDA, MY DOVE...

- DOBIE, MY SWEET.

- NOW THAT WE'RE TOGETHER,

LET ME PUT MY ARMS AROUND YOU

AND WE SHALL DANCE
THE NIGHT AWAY.

AH, ZELDA, YOU ARE LOVELY.

- DOBIE, YOU'RE A DREAM.

- YOU ARE POETRY.
- YOU'RE DIVINE.

- WHEN I GET YOU ALONE,
I'M GONNA STRANGLE YOU.

- EVERYBODY WANTS TO.

- I DON'T FEEL WELL.

- YOU LOOK ROTTEN.

- DOBIE, HOW CAN I EVER THANK
YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID LAST NIGHT?

YOU SAVED MY LIFE.

- NEVER MIND THE THANKS, ZELDA.

JUST STAY ABOUT A
HUNDRED MILES AWAY FROM ME

SO IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

- YOU STILL DON'T REALIZE
THAT YOU RESCUED ME

BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME,
YOU POOR DELUDED FOOL.

- ZELDA, I LIKE
YOU, I RESPECT YOU,

I ADMIRE YOUR SUPERIOR
MIND AND STERLING PRINCIPLES

AND PERSEVERANCE AND
FIRST-RATE STUDY HABITS,

BUT LOVE YOU?

NO, ZELDA, NO. NEGATIVE, UH-UH.

- DOBIE, THAT'S NOT YOU
TALKING, THAT'S HABIT.

YOU'VE BEEN SAYING YOU DON'T
LOVE ME FOR SO MANY YEARS,

THAT WHEN YOU FINALLY
UNDERSTAND HOW YOU REALLY FEEL,

YOU WON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
- I'LL KNOW. I'LL KNOW.

- WHAT WILL YOU SAY?
- NEVER MIND. I'LL KNOW.

- TELL ME WHAT YOU'D SAY.
- ZELDA, PLEASE.

- YOU SEE, YOU DON'T KNOW.

- OKAY. I'D SAY I LOVE YOU.

- A LITTLE LOUDER, PLEASE.
- HUH?

- UH, I WANT TO SEE IF
YOU'RE SAYING IT PROPERLY.

NOW, GO ON AND SAY IT.
- OH, OKAY.

I'D SAY I LOVE YOU,
ZELDA, DARLING.

- NOW WITH FEELING.

- I LOVE YOU ZELDA, DARLING.

- DOBIE, SOMEDAY I'M
GONNA GET YOU TO SAY THAT

IN FRONT OF WITNESSES.
- FAT CHANCE.

LOOK, NO OFFENSE, ZELDA,
BUT THE DAY WILL NEVER...

ZELDA, WHAT HAVE YOU
GOT IN THOSE FLOWERS?

- FLOWERS, POOPSIE,
JUST FLOWERS.

- LET ME SEE.
- LET GO.

- ZELDA, A MICROPHONE.
- DOBIE, DEAR...

- YOU SNEAK!
- DOBIE, DEAR!

- ZELDA, I'M ASHAMED OF YOU.

- DOBIE, LET ME EXPLAIN.

PLEASE LISTEN TO ME.

- ZELDA, YOU HAVE
A CRIMINAL MIND.

- PLEASE!

- AHA!
- AHA.

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪

♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪