The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 2, Episode 30 - Like Father, Like Son, Like Trouble - full transcript

Dobie and Maynard land the lead roles playing officers in Lt. Merriwether's play. Following a rehearsal and still dressed as his character Major Gates, Dobie meets and woos with war stories a beautiful young lady who's father happens to be the base's gruff new colonel. Will it be Herbie "Snow Job" Gillis to the rescue or 20 years in the brig for impersonating an officer?

- TEN HUT!

- AS YOU WERE, MEN. THIS
WILL ONLY TAKE A MINUTE.

I DIDN'T WANT TO PROLONG
THE SUSPENSE ANY FURTHER.

AS YOU FELLAS MAY KNOW,
I'VE BEEN WRITING A PLAY

AFTER DUTY HOURS, OF COURSE.

IT'S MY PLEASURE TO ANNOUNCE

THAT I'VE WRITTEN
FINALE TO ACT SIX.

- OH, LIEUTENANT, WHEN DO
YOU THINK YOU'LL FINISH IT?

- IT IS FINISHED, PRIVATE
KREBS, AND THE C.O.

HAS JUST GIVEN
ME THE GREEN LIGHT

TO PRODUCE IT HERE ON THE POST



AS PART OF OUR CULTURAL
ENLARGEMENT PROGRAM.

NOW, AT THE RISK OF
SOUNDING IMMODEST,

I'LL SAY I THINK I'VE DONE
A SEARCHING JOB HERE

ON THE MINDS AND
HEARTS OF SOLDIERS

IN ONE OF THE DARKEST HOURS

OF ALL AMERICAN
MILITARY HISTORY.

- HEY, IT'S ABOUT KP.

- NO, NO, IT'S ABOUT KOREA,

AND THERE ARE TEN JUICY ROLES
HERE FOR TEN TALENTED SOLDIERS.

I'LL COME RIGHT OUT WITH IT.

THIS IS THE SQUAD
THAT CAN DO THE JOB.

I'M LOOKING FOR VOLUNTEERS.

TRYOUTS ARE TONIGHT
IN THE DAY ROOM.

THOSE OF YOU WHO WANT TO
BE IN MY PLAY, RAISE YOUR HAND.



I SEE. ALL RIGHT, MEN.

LET'S PUT IT ANOTHER WAY.

BY AN ODD COINCIDENCE,

TOMORROW IS THE DAY FOR
POSTING THE NEW WORK ASSIGNMENTS.

THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE NOT,
BY THAT TIME, CAST IN MY PLAY

MAY INDICATE TO
THE FIRST SERGEANT

YOUR PREFERENCES AMONG
THE FOLLOWING DETAILS:

KP, COAL, GRAVEL DETAIL

AND THE ROCK QUARRY.

NOW, LET ME CHECK JUST
ONCE AGAIN, GENTLEMEN.

ARE THERE ANY VOLUNTEERS
FOR THE CAST OF MY PLAY?

♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

[SCATTING] ♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

- OKAY. OKAY.

SO I'M IN A LOUSY SECOND
LIEUTENANT'S PLAY.

I MEAN, I'M IN A SECOND
LIEUTENANT'S LOUSY PLAY.

NO HARM IN VOLUNTEERING
FOR THAT, YOU SAY?

AND I AGREE.

AFTER ALL, I WAS EARMARKED
FOR GARBAGE DETAIL,

AND BESIDES, ALL OF US
ACTORS GOT A TWO-DAY PASS.

BUT THE PASS GAVE
ME TIME TO THINK,

AND SOMETHING INSIDE
KEPT WARNING ME.

LISTEN, DAD.

MAYNARD AND ME GOT TO
GET OUT OF DOING THIS PLAY.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT? YOU GOT THE MAIN PART.

- I KNOW. THE LIEUTENANT
CAST US ACCORDING TO HEIGHT.

- I WAS BENDING DOWN,
TYING MY SHOELACE,

SO I GOT, LIKE,
THE 10th MAIN PART.

- GOOD FOR YOU, MAYNARD, DEAR.

- I DON'T HAVE MANY
LINES, BUT I TWITCH A LOT.

- MAYNARD, PLEASE.

LIKE, THIS BATTLE-TORN
MAJOR, THIS WAR HERO,

WHY, THIS IS PART YOU CAN
GET YOUR TEETH INTO, SON.

- HE GETS HIS TEETH KNOCKED
OUT IN THE SECOND ACT.

- ALL RIGHT, MAYNARD.

- THAT'S HOW HE GETS
BACK TO THE STATES.

- ALL RIGHT, MAYNARD.
- TO GET NEW TEETH.

- NOW, LISTEN TO YOUR
OLD DAD, WILL YOU?

WHY, THIS IS A GREAT PART.

THIS PART CAN BRING
THE WHOLE PLAY TO LIFE.

- NO, IT'S TOO MUCH. IT'S A JOB
FOR SOMEBODY WHO LOVES IT,

SOMEBODY WITH REAL
ACTOR'S BLOOD IN HIS VEINS.

- ACTOR'S BLOOD IN
THEIR VEINS? HO! HO!

DOBIE GILLIS, WHO DO YOU THINK

WROTE, PRODUCED,
DIRECTED AND STARRED

IN THE RETAIL GROCER'S
FOLLIES OF 1911, HUH?

- YOU, DAD?
- IN 1911?

YOU KNOW IT WAS NOT ME,

AND NO WONDER
YOU FLUNKED IN MATH.

IT WAS YOUR GRANDFATHER,
HUBERT X. GILLIS.

AND WHO WAS THE SMASH HIT

OF THE CENTRAL HIGH SCHOOL
RELIEF FUND BENEFIT PERFORMANCE

OF 1938 PLAYING THE FEATURE ROLE

IN "SHE WAS POOR BUT
SHE WAS HONEST," HUH?

- YOU, DAD?
- NO, IT WAS NOT ME.

IT WAS YOUR WONDERFUL,
TALENTED MOTHER, THAT'S WHO.

BUT YOU ASK WHO WAS
ON FOR 15 SOLID MINUTES

OF THE OLD SOFT SHOE

AT THE BISON CONVENTION
FROLICS OF 1949, HUH?

- WHAT YOUR FATHER
IS SAYING, DEAR,

IS THAT YOU REALLY
OUGHT TO GIVE IT A TRY.

OH, NOT THAT YOU'D GET
A HOLLYWOOD CONTRACT

OUT OF IT OR ANYTHING,

BUT IT'S A MARVELOUS
EXPERIENCE, YOU KNOW.

ACTING DEMANDS SOMETHING OF YOU.

IT MAKES YOU GROW AND MATURE.

- THAT'S WHAT I WAS SAYING?
THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

- WELL, OKAY.
I'LL GIVE IT A TRY.

- OH, GOOD FOR YOU, BOY.
MAKE US PROUD OF YOU, HUH?

- I CAN SEE IT OUT IN FRONT
OF THE POST THERE NOW, DOBE,

"A" COMPANY PRESENTS

DOBIE GILLIS AND
MAYNARD G. KREBS

IN "THE GORY BATTLE
OF DEADMAN'S GULCH."

- WE BETTER GO UP IN MY
ROOM AND START MEMORIZING.

- OH, YOU WERE
WONDERFUL, WINNIE.

YOU TALKED HIM RIGHT INTO IT.

AND WHO KNOWS? THE
KID MAY BE A SMASH.

- WHY NOT? HAPPENS
OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

FAMILIES GO ON FOR
GENERATION AFTER GENERATION,

AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,

UP POPS A REAL TALENT.

- LOOK, THIS IS
THE CURTAIN LINE,

THE CLIMAX OF THE SCENE.

NOW, LET ME HEAR YOU
READ THAT LINE AGAIN, KREBS.

REMEMBER, YOU'RE EXHAUSTED,
BOTH WOUNDED, OUT OF AMMO.

THE ENEMY BARRAGE HAS STOPPED,

AND NOW YOU HEAR THEIR
BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAMS

AS THEY CHARGE
THE BUNKER ON FOOT.

THERE'S NO ESCAPE.

- MAJOR, IT DOES NOT LOOK GOOD.

- NO, NO, KREBS, MORE FEELING,
MORE ACTION, MORE PASSION.

ROLL YOUR EYES.
- LIKE THIS, SIR?

- SPLENDID. ALL RIGHT.
GO ON WITH THE SCENE.

- THEY'RE COMING,
MAJOR, THEY'RE COMING.

LET'S, LIKE, CUT OUT OF HERE!

- MAYNARD! YOU'RE OVERACTING!

- ALL RIGHT, MEN. THAT'LL
BE ENOUGH FOR NOW.

LET'S TAKE A BREAK UNTIL
THE DRESS REHEARSAL TONIGHT

AT 1900 HOURS.

- SORRY, LIEUTENANT. I
CAN'T MAKE IT TILL SEVEN.

- THAT'S 1900 HOURS, KREBS.

ALL RIGHT. DISMISSED.
SEE YOU ALL THEN.

NOW, GILLIS, KREBS,

I MAY HAVE SEEMED HARSH AND
DEMANDING DURING REHEARSALS,

BUT, MEN, IT'S PAID OFF.

YOU'RE DEEPER, MORE MATURE
THAN I DREAMED YOU COULD BE.

YOU'VE BECOME MEN IN YOUR ROLES.

YOU'RE POISED, CONFIDENT.

- THANK YOU, SIR.

- YOU'RE, LIKE, A
REAL HUMAN BEING.

- UH-HUH. YES.

- AND NOW, GET OUT
OF THOSE COSTUMES

AND GO ON OVER THE PX AND
TREAT YOURSELVES, ON ME.

- OH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

- COOL IT, DOBE. YOU HEARD
WHAT THE MAN SAID. LET'S EAT.

- MAYNARD, DO
YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?

- YEAH, GOOD BUDDY,
DOUGHNUTS AND HOT DOGS

AND ROOT BEER AND ICE CREAM.

- NO, NO, MAYNARD, THAT GIRL.

- HEY, DOBE, TAKE SOME ADVICE

FROM YOUR GOOD
BUDDY, MAYNARD G. KREBS

AND, LIKE, STICK WITH
DOUGHNUTS AND HOT DOGS

AND ROOT BEER AND ICE CREAM
AND STAY AWAY FROM THAT CHICK.

YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
YOU GOT, LIKE, MIXED UP WITH CHICKS?

- I KNOW WHAT USED TO HAPPEN,
BUT THIS IS THE NEW DOBIE GILLIS

MATURE, CONFIDENT, POISED.

WATCH.

AH, EXCUSE ME, MISS. PLEASE
DON'T THINK ME FORWARD,

BUT MAY I SAY YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

NOT ONLY ARE YOU
BEAUTIFUL, YOU ARE CHARMING,

YOU ARE GRACIOUS,
YOU ARE ELEGANT,

YOU ARE PINK AND
ROUND AND CREAMY.

- HEY, DOBE?
- HUH?

- YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE SHE IS?
- WHAT?

- DEAF.

- NONSENSE, JUST
SHY, YOUNG, DEMURE,

TREMBLING ON THE BRINK OF LIFE.

- OKAY. WHAT'LL IT BE?

- IRWIN, A SODA FOR
THE YOUNG LADY.

- NO, IRWIN.
- EAT, MY DEAR.

LET THIS BE THE FIRST OF
MANY MEALS WE HAVE TOGETHER

LUNCHES, DINNERS, TEA
AND GRAHAM CRACKERS.

- WOULD YOU BE SO KIND AS
TO TELL THIS PERSON BEHIND ME

I DO NOT COME HERE
TO EXCHANGE BANTER

WITH FRESH, UNDERAGED,
ENLISTED MEN?

- WHAT HAVE YOU GOT
AGAINST ENLISTED MEN?

AND ANYHOW, HOW DO I
KNOW I'M AN ENLISTED MAN?

YOU HAVEN'T EVEN LOOKED AT ME.

- IRWIN, PLEASE TELL THIS PERSON
I HAVE A RADAR FOR ENLISTED MEN,

AND I CAN TELL THEM A MILE AWAY,

AND THAT IS EXACTLY
WHERE I WOULD LIKE THIS ONE,

A MILE AWAY, OR ELSE I SHALL
BE FORCED TO CALL AN MP.

- GOOD BUDDY?
- YEAH.

IRWIN, WOULD YOU TELL THE
YOUNG LADY NOT TO WAIT?

I HAD TO LEAVE SUDDENLY.

- GOOD THINKING.
- YEAH.

READING BETWEEN THE LINES,

I GUESS YOU'D HAVE TO
SAY SHE WAS A LITTLE COOL.

THIS KIND OF THING HAPPENS IN
THE COURSE OF EVERY MAN'S LIFE,

AND I DID THE ONLY THING A MAN
CAN DO UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES.

I WENT BACK TO MY CAREER

AND TORE INTO MY WORK
WITH RENEWED VIGOR.

[EXPLOSION]

- THEY'RE COMING,
MAJOR, THEY'RE COMING.

LET'S, LIKE, CUT OUT OF HERE!

- DRESS REHEARSAL WAS A SMASH.

IF I DO SAY SO,

THE FINAL SCENE WHERE I GET THE
CONGRESSIONAL MEDAL OF HONOR

AND SAY GOODBYE TO LOYAL
SGT. MOONEY WAS VERY MOVING.

- I AGREE WITH THE
PRESIDENT OF THE USA, MAJOR.

YOU'RE A REAL HERO AND GOOD
LUCK ON YOUR WAR BOND TOUR.

I'LL MISS YOU.

- OH, TUT, TUT,
LOYAL SGT. MOONEY.

WE'VE KNOWN EACH
OTHER TOO LONG FOR THAT.

A SIMPLE, WILL DO.

- WELL, GOODBYE AND
GOOD LUCK, SIR. A SIMPLE.

- GREAT, I THINK WE'VE
GOT A HIT ON OUR HANDS,

AND YOU, GILLIS, TONIGHT,
YOU BECAME AN ACTOR.

OH, IT WAS NOTHING.

TONIGHT, YOU LIVED THE PART.

YOU WERE MAJOR GATES.

- WAS I, LIKE, SGT. MOONEY?

- KIND OF LIKE SGT.
MOONEY, BUT NOT MUCH.

WELL, GENTLEMEN, AS A
REWARD FOR YOUR FINE WORK,

YOU ARE ALL OFF DUTY UNTIL
WE OPEN TOMORROW NIGHT.

- COME ON, MAJOR.
IT'S, LIKE, LATE.

- COME ON WHERE, MAYNARD?

- MAN, I'M, LIKE, IN
CARBOHYDRATE SHOCK.

I NEED, LIKE, AN
INFUSION OF ICE CREAM,

AND THE PX CLOSES IN 15 MINUTES.

- ALL RIGHT. WAIT A MINUTE. WE
HAVEN'T GOT TIME TO CHANGE.

- OH, SO WHO'LL, LIKE, NOTICE?

AND IT'S, LIKE, BETTER THIS WAY.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- IT'LL BE THE FIRST TIME I EVER
OUTRANKED THAT SODA JERK.

- OH, YEAH.
- OH, WAIT A MINUTE.

HOLD IT, DOBE. YOU DON'T
WANT TO, LIKE, OVERDRESS.

- UH-HUH. YEAH.

MAYNARD, DO YOU KNOW

WHAT THE LIEUTENANT'S
GOING TO DO IF WE'RE A HIT?

HE'S GOING TO BOOK
US IN OTHER CAMPS.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT
MEANS IN TERMS OF GOO...

GOOD EVENING, MY DEAR.

- HELLO.
- YOU LOOK RAVISHING TONIGHT.

- WHY, THANK YOU.
DO I KNOW YOU, MAJOR?

- SURE, REMEMBER, I
WAS IN HERE THIS MO...

DO YOU KNOW ME?

NO, NO, LITTLE GIRL. I
DON'T BELIEVE YOU DO.

I'M MAJOR WILLIAM GATES,

AND THIS IS MY LOYAL AIDE.

- PVT. MAYNARD G. KREBS.

- SGT. MAYNARD G. KREBS MOONEY.

- HOW DO YOU DO?
I'M DORRIT MCCURDY.

- DELIGHTED.

- YOU'RE NEW HERE, AREN'T YOU?

- YOU COULD SAY THAT, YES.

- IT'S LIKE A ONE-NIGHT STAND.

- THE SERGEANT MEANS OUR
ASSIGNMENT HERE WILL BE BRIEF.

- BRIEF BUT, LIKE, EXCITING.

- I SHOULD THINK
EXCITING. MY GOODNESS,

YOU'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE.
- WHY, YES, YES.

- EUROPE, ALASKA - UH-HUH.

- KOREA, ALL THOSE
MEDALS, MY GOODNESS.

- UH-HUH. YEAH.
- AND YOU, TOO.

- YEAH, I'VE BEEN, LIKE, WITH
HIM ALL THE WAY THROUGH IT.

- WHAT'S THAT ONE?

- THE 1957 SCOUT JAMBOREE.
- MAYNARD.

- WE SAT RIGHT ON THE
GROUND IN OUR PONCHOS.

- HE'S A GREAT KIDDER.
- UH-HUH. YEAH.

- HE'S CUTE FOR AN ENLISTED MAN.

- HMM, YES, YES. MISS MCCURDY.
- DORY.

- DORY, I WONDER, COULD WE
IMPOSE ON YOUR GOOD NATURE

TO SHOW US SOME LITTLE PLACE

WHERE WE COULD
RELAX, HAVE A BITE, TALK?

- WHY, I'D BE DELIGHTED, MAJOR.

THE OFFICER'S CLUB IS OPEN NOW.

- OH, NO, NO, NO. I NEVER
GO TO OFFICER'S CLUBS.

THE SERGEANT AND
I ARE INSEPARABLE.

- WE'RE, LIKE, IN THIS TOGETHER.
- YEAH.

- WELL, ALL RIGHT.
- MM-HMM.

- WE COULD GO TO MY
HOUSE. I'LL MAKE COFFEE.

- OH, PERFECT.

- TWO MONTHS BEHIND ENEMY LINES,

AND YOU FINALLY GOT YOUR
WHOLE PLATOON BACK SAFELY?

- OH, IT WAS NOTHING, REALLY.
SIX OF US COULD STILL WALK.

- MY WARRIOR. AND WHAT
ABOUT YOU, SERGEANT?

DID YOU BAG A FEW?

- NO, MA'AM. BUT I, LIKE,
ANNOYED A LOT OF THEM.

- OH, WHERE DID
ALL THIS TAKE PLACE?

- OH, IT WAS LONG AGO
AND HALF A WORLD AWAY.

WHERE WAS IT, SERGEANT?

- HACK FORCE...
- MAYNARD.

- OH, IT WAS, LIKE,
RIGHT ABOUT HERE.

- ON THE POLAR ICE CAP?

- OH, WELL, WE WERE, LIKE,
REAL LOST THERE FOR A WHILE.

- ENOUGH, ENOUGH. LET'S
NOT TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE.

- MY POOR MAN.
- MM-HMM.

- YOU REST THERE, AND I'LL
GO GET US SOMETHING TO EAT.

- DON'T BE AWAY LONG, DORY.
- I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

- EVERY MOMENT WILL
SEEM LIKE AN ETERNITY.

- LIKE, RIGHT. WE'RE,
LIKE, STARVED.

COME ON, MAJOR. NOW'S
OUR CHANCE TO CUT OUT.

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

YOU WANT TO LEAVE
BEFORE YOU EAT?

- DOBE, I'M, LIKE, NERVOUS.
- RELAX.

- AND MY MASCARA,
LIKE, ITCHES AND I THINK

MY BEARD'S GOING TO FALL OFF.

- LOOK, MAYNARD,
THAT'S YOUR OWN BEARD.

I'M THE ONE WITH THE PHONY.

- I DON'T LIKE IT.
WHAT'S IN IT FOR US?

YOU GOING TO MARRY THIS
CHICK AND GO THROUGH LIFE

WITH A FAKE MUSTACHE?

- LOOK, WE'RE ON A
SECRET MISSION, RIGHT?

SO WE DISAPPEAR, AND I'LL WRITE
TO HER FROM DISTANT PLACES.

NOW, RELAX AND ENJOY YOURSELF.

AFTER ALL, IF SHE LIKES
ME BETTER AS AN OFFICER,

WHO AM I TO DISILLUSION HER?

- WELL, HERE I AM. I HOPE
YOU LIKE INSTANT COFFEE.

IT'S THE ONLY KIND I
KNOW HOW TO MAKE.

- OH, YOU SHOULDN'T
FUSSED, MY DEAR.

WE'RE USED TO DOING WITHOUT.

- SO I SEE.

SERGEANT, WOULD
YOU LIKE SOMETHING

A LITTLE MORE SUBSTANTIAL

LIKE A COLD CHICKEN AND A
COUPLE POUNDS OF POTATO SALAD?

- WELL, IF YOU'RE GOING
TO, LIKE, THROW IT AWAY...

- IT'S IN THE REFRIGERATOR.
- STAY WHERE YOU ARE, MISS.

I GOT IT ON MY CHICKEN
RADAR SCREEN ALREADY.

- IS HE ALWAYS SO HUNGRY?
- SINCE I'VE KNOWN HIM.

- YOU TWO ARE VERY
CLOSE, AREN'T YOU?

- YES, YES, I WOULDN'T
BE HERE WITHOUT HIM.

- NOW, TRY TO FORGET.

ALL THAT PAIN AND
DANGER IS BEHIND YOU,

AND YOU'RE WITH ME NOW.

- YES, YES, I GUESS THIS IS IT.

THIS IS WHAT WE'RE
ALL FIGHTING FOR.

- NOW, NOW, REST
THOSE DEAR, TIRED EYES.

- OH, YOU ARE A
THOUGHTFUL CHILD.

- CHILD? I'M 21.

- AH, 21, A WONDERFUL AGE.

- NOW, IT SURELY CAN'T
BE THAT LONG AGO.

YOU CAN REMEMBER.

- I WISH I COULD.

- LET ME TRY AND HELP YOU.

- DORY, WHO'S THAT WITH YOU?

- A FRIEND, DAD.

MAJOR GATES, THIS IS MY
FATHER, COL. MCCURDY.

- IT'S A PLEASURE
TO MEET YOU, SIR.

- WHAT'S THAT?
- HOW DO YOU DO, SIR?

- OH, HOW DO YOU DO?

- THE MAJOR IS NEW
ON THE POST, TOO, DAD.

DAD IS THE HEAD OF THE
NEW LEADERSHIP SCHOOL.

- OH, BOY I MEAN,
CONGRATULATIONS.

- THANKS. WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE?

- OH, JUST SITTING ON THE SOFA.

- NO, I MEAN, IN THE
POST, YOUR ASSIGNMENT.

- OH, OH, THAT, WELL,
IT'S CONFIDENTIAL.

- CONFIDENTIAL?
- MM-HMM. YES.

- YOU SOME KIND OF A G2 SNEAK?
- OH, NO, SIR.

- THE MAJOR IS A HERO, DAD.

HE WAS IN KOREA.
- YEAH.

- KOREA, HUH?
- UH-HUH. YES.

- WELL, I SUPPOSE SOMEBODY
HAD TO GO OVER THERE.

- MM-HMM.
- WASN'T LIKE EUROPE, THOUGH.

- OH, NO, SIR, NO.

- MY DAD WAS AN INFANTRY
COMMANDER IN WORLD WAR II.

- OH, GOOD FOR YOU, SIR.

- IT WAS SOLDIER'S DUTY, MAJOR.
- YES.

- A MAN COULD TAKE SOME PRIDE.

NOW, THEY'RE MAKING
A TEACHER OUT OF ME

FACULTY SEMINARS,
EXAMINATIONS ON NUMSKULLS

WHO HAVE NEVER HEARD
A SHOT FIRED IN ANGER.

CORRECTING PAPERS,
HANDING OUT DIPLOMAS.

TERRIBLE THING TO
DO TO A FIGHTING MAN.

- OH, YOU'RE RIGHT, SIR.
- THE MAJOR KNOWS, DAD.

HE WAS A FIGHTING
MAN. TELL HIM, MAJOR.

- OH, WE WON'T BORE
YOU WITH THAT, SIR.

YOU PROBABLY HAVE A
LOT OF THEMES TO CORRECT.

- IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'S TRUE.

I'VE GOT THAT BLASTED
GRADUATION CEREMONY TOMORROW.

- YEAH, THAT.

- I WANT TO TALK WITH YOU
ABOUT KOREA SOME TIME, SON.

- HOW LONG ARE YOU HERE?

- OH, OH. JUST A FEW
MORE DAYS, I'M AFRAID,

BUT I'LL KEEP IN TOUCH.

- DO THAT, MAJOR.
- MM-HMM.

- MAN, THAT'S, LIKE, A REAL
SWINGING REFRIGERATOR

YOU GOT THERE.

I CAN'T TELL HOW MUCH I...

- SGT. MOONEY, THIS IS
MY FATHER, COL. MCCURDY.

- LIKE, BYE, COLONEL.

LIKE, HI, COLONEL.
- HOW DO?

- THE SERGEANT
WAS WITH THE MAJOR

ALL THROUGH EVERYTHING, DAD,

BEHIND THE LINES,
IN THE HOSPITAL.

- INDEED.

- BUT IT'S A LONG,
DULL PLAY OR STORY.

- HE'S SO MODEST.
- MM-HMM.

- THE MAJOR SAID IF IT HADN'T
BEEN FOR THE SERGEANT,

HE WOULD NEVER HAVE LIVED
TO GET THE MEDAL OF HONOR.

- COLONEL, YOU'RE BUSY,
AND WE'VE GOT TO GO.

- YEAH, MAN, I'LL,
LIKE, HAIL A CAB.

- YEAH.
- JUST A MINUTE.

SOMETHING'S BEEN BOTHERING
ME EVER SINCE I MET YOU,

AND NOW I KNOW WHAT IT IS.

- WE DIDN'T MEAN ANY HARM.
- A PRANKSTER, A BOYISH PRANK.

- WHY DIDN'T I THINK
OF THIS BEFORE?

THAT GRADUATION TOMORROW,
I'VE BEEN LOOKING EVERYWHERE,

AND NOW YOU BOB UP
RIGHT ON MY DOORSTEP.

MAJOR, YOU'RE MY SPEAKER.

YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE
THE INSPIRATIONAL TALK

TO THOSE 400 OFFICERS.

- OH, NO.

- LIKE, THANKS BUT,
LIKE, NO THANKS.

- THAT'S PERFECT, MAJOR DARLING.

YOU GIVE THE SPEECH
TOMORROW AFTERNOON,

THEN COME HERE FOR DINNER,
AND WE'LL GO TO THE NEW PLAY

AT THE NEW POST THEATER
TOMORROW EVENING.

- OH, NO, PLEASE, NO.

- DON'T GO TO THAT PLAY, MISS.

IT'S, LIKE, A REAL DOG,
AND I OUGHT TO KNOW.

- DO WHATEVER YOU WANT
WITH YOUR EVENING, MAJOR,

BUT YOU'LL BE HERE
TOMORROW AT 1400 HOURS.

- HE CAN'T MAKE IT TILL 2:00.

- 1400 HOURS IS 2:00, SERGEANT.

IT'LL BE EASY, MAJOR. JUST
TELL THEM THE SIMPLE TRUTH.

IT'LL BE A SPEECH
THEY'LL NEVER FORGET.

- NEITHER WILL I.

THERE'S NO POINT IN DENYING IT.

I WAS IN TROUBLE,

SO I HAD TO KEEP
SAYING TO MYSELF,

DON'T PANIC, KEEP YOUR
HEAD, LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE,

AND THAT'S WHERE MAYNARD,
THE ETERNAL OPTIMIST,

WAS A TREMENDOUS HELP.

- DOBE, YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.

- YES, MAYNARD, I'M VERY
ALERT. I'VE SENSED THAT.

IN ONE HOUR, I'VE GOT TO
GIVE A SPEECH ABOUT KOREA

TO 400 OFFICERS, AND I DON'T
KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT KOREA

EXCEPT WHAT'S IN
THE LIEUTENANT'S PLAY,

AND THE LIEUTENANT DOESN'T
KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT KOREA, EITHER,

SO THEY'LL FIND ME OUT.

- WE'RE, LIKE, DOOMED.
- PLEASE, MAYNARD.

SO THEY FIND ME OUT.
WHAT CAN THEY DO?

THEY'LL COURT-MARTIAL ME.
- LIKE, RIGHT.

- THEY'LL GIVE ME A
DISHONORABLE DISCHARGE.

- LIKE, RIGHT.
- TWENTY YEARS IN ALCATRAZ.

- LIKE, AT LEAST.

- ON THE OTHER HAND, IF I CALLED
IN SICK, THEY GET A SUBSTITUTE.

I GO TO THE HOSPITAL,

AND THEY FIND OUT I'M
NOT ONLY NOT A MAJOR,

BUT I HAVEN'T EVEN
GOT A MUSTACHE.

- OH, POOR DOBE.

- MAYNARD, WHAT
IF I JUST DISAPPEAR,

WALK OUT THE GATE AND DISAPPEAR.

- GOOD THINKING.

- AH, NO, IT'S COWARDLY.

IT'S UNFAIR TO COL.
MCCURDY AND DORY.

BESIDES, THEY'D CATCH ME,

HUNT ME DOWN LIKE A DOG,
SHOOT ME FOR DESERTION.

- POOR DOBE. YOU'RE, LIKE,
DOOMED, DOOMED, DOOMED.

- MAYNARD, I'VE GOT IT.
I JUST WON'T SHOW UP.

I'LL JUST DISAPPEAR INTO THE
RANKS, AN ANONYMOUS SOLDIER.

AFTER ALL, SHE'S NEVER
SEEN MY REAL FACE.

- GOOD BUDDY, SHE'S SEEN MINE.
- OH, YEAH.

- AND MINE'S NOT AN
EASY ONE TO, LIKE, FORGET.

- YEAH. DESPERATE SITUATION.

- WELL, THE WORST
HASN'T HAPPENED YET.

- WHAT COULD
POSSIBLY HAPPEN WORSE

THAN WHAT'S ALREADY HAPPENED?

- DOES THAT ANSWER
YOUR QUESTION?

- WHERE IS HE? WHERE
IS SIR LAURENCE OLIVIER?

OH, OH, THERE HE IS,
THAT GREAT ACTOR.

[LAUGHS]

- DAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- WHAT AM I DOING HERE?

ANOTHER PLAY,
ANOTHER OPENING NIGHT,

ANOTHER GILLIS, AND YOU
ASK ME WHAT I'M DOING HERE?

- DAD, I WISH YOU HADN'T COME.

- HMM, OPENING
NIGHT JITTERS, HUH?

WELL, IT HAPPENS TO
THE GREATEST OF US,

BUT YOU'LL BE OKAY THE MINUTE
THAT FIRST WAVE OF APPLAUSE

WASHES ACROSS THOSE FOOTLIGHTS.

- DAD, SAVE YOURSELF. GO HOME.

- AND WHO'S GOING TO BE
LEADING THAT APPLAUSE?

YOUR MOTHER AND
FATHER, WHO ELSE?

WE GOT TICKETS,
FRONT AND CENTER.

- LISTEN, THERE'S
SOMETHING I GOTTA TELL YOU.

I'M IN TROUBLE, BIG TROUBLE.

- BIG TROUBLE, HUH?
- YEAH.

- WELL, LET'S HAVE
IT, THE WHOLE STORY.

- WELL...
- WHAT'S HER NAME?

- I TOLD HIM EVERYTHING,

AND THERE'S ONE THING I
HAVE TO SAY FOR MY FATHER.

WHEN YOU'RE IN A
JAM, HE BACKS YOU UP.

ALL THINGS CONSIDERED, HE
WAS VERY UNDERSTANDING.

- YOU STUPID STUPE,

DO YOU REALIZE YOU'RE GOING
TO BE COURT-MARTIALED FOR THIS,

DISHONORABLY
DISCHARGED, THROWN IN JAIL?

COME ON. WE'RE GOING
TO MARCH RIGHT OVER

TO THIS COLONEL WHAT'S HIS NAME?
- MCCURDY.

- RIGHT, WE'RE GOING
OVER TO THIS COL. MCCURDY,

AND WE'RE GOING TO
TELL HIM THE WHOLE STORY.

MAYBE WHEN HE REALIZES

THAT YOU'RE JUST A VAGABOND
LOVER BOY VAGABOND,

THAT MEANS BUM, SON,

HE'LL GIVE YOU A LIGHT SENTENCE,

AND, COL. MCCURDY?

- COL. MCCURDY.
- HARD-ROCK MCCURDY?

BIG BEETLE-BROWED GUY?
- YEAH.

- GRAVEL VOICE.
- UH-HUH.

- INFANTRY, NORMANDY INVASION?
OH, WHAT A SMALL WORLD.

HARD-ROCK MCCURDY.

- YOU KNOW HIM, DAD?

- OH, YOU'RE VERY
QUICK, SON. KNOW HIM?

I KNEW HIM WHEN HE
WAS ONLY A CAPTAIN.

HE USED TO BE MY C.O. I
WAS HIS FIRST SERGEANT.

- HEY, THAT'S GREAT.

HE WOULDN'T PUT YOUR
SON IN JAIL, WOULD YOU,

OR YOUR SON'S GOOD BUDDY?

- LOOK, THIS PART YOU PLAY,
THIS WOUNDED WAR HERO, SEE.

- UH-HUH.

- YEAH, YEAH, IT MIGHT WORK.
- WHAT MIGHT WORK?

- NEVER MIND. NOW, I'M GOING
OVER AND PAY A CALL ON MCCURDY,

A PERSONAL CALL, YOU
KNOW, FOR OLD TIMES SAKE.

IN THE MEANTIME, YOU PUT ON YOUR
WARDROBE FOR THE PLAY TONIGHT

BECAUSE YOU'RE EITHER GOING
TO BE WEARING IT ON THAT STAGE OR

[LAUGHS] ON THE
TRAIN TO ALCATRAZ.

- BUT DAD'S UPSTAIRS
GETTING DRESSED

FOR THE SCHOOL GRADUATION.

- JUST TELL HIM IT'S
SGT. GILLIS, MY DEAR.

HE'LL REMEMBER.
- WELL, IF YOU WAIT HERE.

- WHO'S THERE? IS
THAT THE MAJOR?

- IT'S A SGT. GILLIS, DAD.

- SGT. GILLIS, WELL,
WHO THE DEVIL IS THAT?

- SGT. GILLIS, SIR.

OH, COLONEL, YOU'RE
LOOKING FIT, SIR,

JUST AS TRIM AS YOU DID

THE DAY OF THE FINAL
REVIEW OF THE 511th IN PARIS.

- GILLIS, GILLIS? AHA,
FIRST SGT. GILLIS.

- RIGHT. I WAS ON
A VISIT DOWN HERE,

HEARD YOU'VE BEEN
RUNNING THE SCHOOL,

AND I JUST HAD TO COME
OVER AND SAY HELLO.

- HOW VERY THOUGHTFUL, GILLIS.

DORY, CALL BLQ AND SEE IF YOU
CAN GET A HOLD OF MAJOR GATES.

SORRY TO SEEM
INHOSPITABLE, GILLIS,

BUT I'M LATE FOR AN
IMPORTANT CEREMONY.

- THE GRADUATION?
- WELL, HOW'D YOU KNOW?

- OH, OH, OH, COLONEL, WE HAVE
ALL FOLLOWED YOUR CAREER,

UNDERSTAND YOU'RE DOING
BRILLIANT WORK HERE, TOO.

- I TRY, WHATEVER
THEY STICK ME WITH.

- WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT,

I DROPPED BY TO GIVE YOU A
FRIENDLY WARNING, IF I MAY.

- WARNING?
- YES.

ABOUT YOUR SPEAKER, MAJOR GATES.

- AND HE'S LATE. IF
HE DOESN'T SHOW,

I'LL HAVE HIM CASHIERED.

- DO YOU KNOW THE MAJOR?
- KNOW THE MAJOR, MY DEAR?

I PRACTICALLY RAISED HIM.

- WHAT'S THIS ALL
ABOUT, GILLIS? SPEAK UP.

- COLONEL, AS YOU PROBABLY
KNOW, I AM ARMY RIGHT UP TO HERE.

I HAVE KNOWN THE
MAJOR GOING AND COMING.

I KNEW HIM BEFORE
HE BECAME A HERO,

AND I'VE KNOWN HIM EVER SINCE.

- WAS HE IN YOUR OUTFIT?

- WELL, YOU MIGHT SAY SO.

NOW, I DON'T WANT TO CRITICIZE.

- HE'S SUCH A LOVELY MAN.

- OH, YOU CAN SAY
THAT AGAIN, MY DEAR,

AND SUPREMELY COURAGEOUS,
FOOLHARDY, ONE MIGHT SAY.

- SERGEANT, SERGEANT,
GET TO THE POINT.

- WELL, IT'S THE PERSONAL
APPEARANCES, COLONEL,

THE SPEECHES.

- YES?

- AS YOU KNOW, THE MAJOR
HAS THIS WOUND UP HERE, SEE?

- EVERYBODY WORTH
A DARN HAS ONE.

- RIGHT. BUT WHEN THE MAJOR
GETS EXCITED OR OVERHEATED,

THIS POLYSTYRENE
PATCH IN HIS HEAD...

- THAT'S PLASTIC.

- RIGHT, PLASTIC, LATEST THING.

WELL, WHEN HE GETS OVERHEATED,

THIS PLASTIC PATCH
IN HIS HEAD SOFTENS UP

AND CREATES PRESSURES
ON VARIOUS CEREBRAL AREAS.

- WHAT ARE YOU TRYING
TO SAY, SERGEANT?

- HE BECOMES A WILD MAN, SIR.

OH, THE NICEST FELLA
YOU WOULD WANT TO MEET

AT COOL TEMPERATURES, BUT
WHEN HE BECOMES OVERHEATED,

THERE'S NO TELLING
WHAT HE MAY DO.

- YEAH, HE GOT DIZZY
HERE LAST NIGHT.

- YOU'RE LUCKY. HE
MIGHT'VE BECOME VIOLENT.

SOMETIMES HE THROWS
EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HALL.

- HE SEEMS SO GENTLE,
ALMOST LIKE A LITTLE BOY.

- WHY, ONE TIME, HE TORE DOWN
A WHOLE YMCA, A SMALL ONE,

IN FORT WAYNE, INDIANA.

- THIS IS A SERIOUS
ACCUSATION, GILLIS.

- WOULD I COME ALL
THE WAY DOWN HERE

TO FOUL UP YOUR
GRADUATION JUST FOR LAUGHS?

- WELL, I CAN'T TAKE THE CHANCE.

MAYBE WE CAN FIND A SUBSTITUTE.

HOW ABOUT THAT SERGEANT
WHO WAS WITH HIM, DORRIT?

- SGT. MOONEY?

- SGT. MOONEY, A GUY
WITH A LITTLE BEARD?

THERE IS A REAL KOOK.

LET ME TELL ME
SOMETHING, COLONEL.

- GOODBYE AND GOOD
LUCK, SIR, AND A SIMPLE.

[APPLAUSE]

- EXCUSE ME, PLEASE.
I BEG YOUR PARDON.

- STEP ASIDE.
- DOBIE, DARLING,

OH, YOU WERE MARVELOUS!

- OH, THANKS, MOM, THANKS!

- OH, YOU WERE GREAT, SON!
- YEAH.

- OH, YOU PROVED
YOURSELF A GREAT ACTOR

IN THE GREAT GILLIS TRADITION.

- OH, THANKS, DAD.
AND HOW ABOUT...

- SHE WASN'T OUT THERE, AND
YOU'LL HAVE NO MORE TROUBLE

FROM LITTLE DORRIT.

OH, BOY, THIS AFTERNOON,

I GAVE THE FINEST PERFORMANCE

OF THE TOUGHEST
ROLE I EVER PLAYED,

CONVINCING MCCURDY
THAT HE SHOULD EXCUSE YOU

FROM THAT GRADUATION SPEECH.

- OH, DAD, YOU'RE
THE GREATEST GUY.

HOW CAN I EVER REPAY YOU?

- VERY EASY, BOY.

JUST GET DOWN IN
THE DRESSING ROOM

AND GET OUT OF
THAT GOOFY MUSTACHE

AND GET BACK TO
BEING PVT. DOBIE GILLIS.

- OKAY, DAD.

- AND WE'LL SEE YOU
IN THE PX, DARLING.

- OKAY.
- HURRY UP, BOY.

- SO LONG, FOLKS.

- HEY, DOBE?
- YEAH?

- LIKE TROUBLE.
- LIKE WHERE?

- LIKE THERE.

- CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR
PERFORMANCE, PVT. GILLIS.

- OH, THANK YOU, SIR. THANK YOU.

- YOU KNOW COL.
MCCURDY, OF COURSE.

- OH, YES, SIR.

- EXCELLENT PERFORMANCE,
GILLIS, VERY IMPRESSIVE

FOR THE SECOND TIME IN TWO DAYS.

- I DON'T SUPPOSE I
CAN APOLOGIZE, SIR.

- THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY.

I'M HUMANE AND NOT SO GULLIBLE

AS YOU AND THAT FATHER
OF YOURS MIGHT SUPPOSE.

- IT'S ALL MY FAULT, SIR.

- I GOT TO REMEMBERING, PRIVATE.

IT ALL SEEMED QUITE PLAUSIBLE

UNTIL I RECALLED THE
RECORD OF FIRST SGT. GILLIS,

SNOW JOB GILLIS, AS HE KNOWN
THROUGHOUT THE DIVISION.

SNOW JOB'S MORNING REPORTS

WERE SOME OF THE RICHEST,
MOST IMAGINATIVE FICTION I'VE READ

SINCE "ALICE IN WONDERLAND."

YOU'VE OBVIOUSLY
INHERITED HIS TALENT.

LIEUTENANT, I'M GRATEFUL

I'VE AVOIDED EMBARRASSMENT
THROUGHOUT THE COMMAND.

I LEAVE THE PUNISHMENT
OF THIS MAN UP TO YOU.

- WELL, GILLIS,
TEN HUT! LEFT, HEP.

FOR CONDUCT UNBECOMING A SOLDIER
AND MEMBER OF MY ACTING TROUPE,

I HEREBY STRIP YOU OF YOUR
PRIVILEGES, WEEKEND PASS

AND MUSTACHE.

- TO US THEATER FOLKS,

THE MOST STIRRING WORDS IN
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE ARE...

THE SHOW MUST GO ON.

THE ARMY HAS A COUPLE
OF INTERESTING WORDS, TOO,

COURT-MARTIAL,

AND THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT MAYNARD AND I

GOT FOR OUR UNHAPPY
FLING AT IMPERSONATION,

BUT ALL IN ALL,

THE LIEUTENANT
WASN'T TOO HARD ON US

AFTER WE PROMISED TO LIMIT OUR
ACTING TO THE "A" COMPANY STAGE,

AND THE SHOW DID GO ON.

- OF MORTALS THAT FALL
BACK TO GAZE ON HIM

WHEN HE BESTRIDES
THE LAZY-PACING CLOUDS

AND SAILS UPON THE
BOSOM OF THE AIR.

- OH, ROMEO, ROMEO,
WHEREFORE ART THOU, ROMEO?

DENY THY FATHER
AND REFUSE THY NAME

FOR IF THOU WILL NOT,
BE BUT SWORN, MY LOVE

AND I WILL NO
LONGER BE A CAPULET.

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪

♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪