The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 2, Episode 3 - Baby Talk - full transcript
Maynard discovers in the park one day both an abandoned baby and his paternal instinct. But keeping little, crying Katrina a secret proves to be a herculean task for Maynard, Dobie and Zelda, especially with a suspicious Chatsworth nosing around.
- HERE, TOMAS. ON THE BENCH.
SOMEONE WILL
SURELY FIND IT SOON.
- IT IS BEST WE GO NOW, AVA.
- THOMAS, MUST WE DO THIS?
- IT'S THE ONLY WAY.
EVEN THOUGH WE MUST
RETURN TO THE OLD COUNTRY,
LITTLE KATRINA SHALL BE
BROUGHT UP IN AMERICA.
- OH, MY POOR BABY, SO HELPLESS,
SO TRUSTING, SO
GENTLE, SO INNOCENT.
- [MAYNARD SCATTING]
- [BABY CRYING]
- OH, HI, BABY.
BABY?
NAH, COULDN'T BE A BABY.
LIKE, MAN, IT
LOOKED LIKE A BABY.
- [BABY COOING]
- LIKE, MAN, IT
SOUNDS LIKE A BABY.
OH, HEY, YOU.
HEY,
ARE YOU A BABY OR
A LITTLE TINY PERSON?
YOU A BABY.
♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
[SCATTING] ♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
- IN HIS LIFETIME MY
FRIEND MAYNARD G. KREBS
HAS FOUND MANY STRANGE
THINGS. JACKKNIVES, TINFOIL,
OLD STRING, TWO LANDON BUTTONS,
BUS TRANSFERS, AND ONCE
EVEN A PASS TO A PRIZE FIGHT
BETWEEN PRIMO CARNERA
AND JACK SHARKEY.
BUT A BABY?
A REAL, LIVE,
CRYING, LIVE, BABY?
- OOH, WHAT A HEALTHY BABY.
- YEAH.
- 280 POUNDS.
- HUH?
MAYNARD, THAT'S $2.80.
- SHE'S WORTH MORE THAN THAT.
- YEAH, YEAH, GEE, IT
SURE LIKES YOU, MAYNARD.
- YEAH, THINKS I'M ITS MOTHER.
- LOOK, HERE'S A NOTE.
- OOH, DOBE, IT WRITES
BETTER THAN ME.
- "DEAR SI..."
"DEAR SIR OR MADAM.
- YEAH, WE MUST FIT
IN THERE SOMEPLACE.
- "PLEASE GIVE TO
OUR BABY A GOOD HOME
"AS WE CANNOT DO IT OURSELF.
"HER NAME IS KATRINA
AND SHE IS ONE YEAR OLD.
IF SHE CRIES, PAT THE BACK
SOFTLY AND SHE WILL STOP."
- OH.
IT DON'T WORK, DOBE.
- THE BABY'S BACK, MAYNARD.
- OH, CRAZY.
- YEAH, YEAH, MAYNARD,
WE'VE GOT TO TAKE HER
DOWN TO THE POLICE STATION.
- POLICE? WHAT FOR, DOBE,
SHE DIDN'T DO NOTHING.
- WELL, THEY'LL TRY
AND FIND HER PARENTS.
IF THEY CAN'T DO THAT
THEN THEY'LL FIND SOME
SORT OF HOME FOR HER.
- YEAH, I HEARD
ABOUT THEM HOMES.
NOTHING BUT STALE
BREAD AND WATER
AND MAYBE ONCE IN A WHILE A
WHOLE MESS OF LUMPY OATMEAL.
- MAYNARD, THEY DON'T DO
THINGS LIKE THAT ANYMORE.
- AND WHEN SHE'S,
LIKE, AROUND FIVE
THEY'LL SEND HER OUT TO WORK
AND SHE'LL BE, LIKE,
SWEEPING CHIMNEYS
AND SLEEPING IN SOME
COLD MISERABLE CORNER.
- MAYNARD.
- A FIVE-YEAR-OLD KID
SWEEPING CHIMNEYS OR
WORKING IN A COAL MINE!
- MAYNARD, ENOUGH!
- AND BY THE TIME SHE'S EIGHT
SHE'LL BE OLD AND
THEY'LL TOSS HER OUT
LIKE A SQUEEZED-OUT GRAPEFRUIT!
- MAYNARD, WHERE'D YOU
EVER GET SUCH SILLY IDEAS?
- WHO SAYS THEY'RE SILLY?
DON'T YOU REMEMBER THEM BOOKS
YOU READ IN ENGLISH CLASS
ABOUT ENGLAND, YOU KNOW,
OLIVER TWIST AND
DAVID COPPERHEAD.
- THAT'S COPPERFIELD AND
NO WONDER YOU FLUNKED.
- YEAH, COPPERFIELD. THEM
LITTLE ENGLISH ORPHANS
GOT KICKED AROUND
LIKE CRICKET BALLS.
- MAYNARD, TIMES HAVE CHANGED.
THOSE BOOKS WERE WRITTEN
ABOUT CONDITIONS AROUND 1850.
- ONLY 25 YEARS AGO.
HOW MUCH COULD TIMES
CHANGE SINCE THEN?
- NOW THAT I THINK OF IT,
YOU ALSO FLUNKED MATH.
- YEAH, SHE'LL BE
WEARING OLD RAGS
AND BEGGING FOR
A CRUST OF BREAD.
- MAYNARD.
- NO GAMES, NO FUN, NO KIDHOOD.
- MAYNARD, CALM DOWN.
- WHAT A WAY
TO TREAT A POOR LITTLE BABY.
YOU'RE TAKING AWAY HER HALLOWEEN
AND CHRISTMAS AND MOTHER'S DAY,
YOU RAT! AND WHAT ABOUT
FATHER'S DAY, YOU OTHER RAT?
- MAYNARD, WHAT'S
THE MATTER WITH YOU?
HEY, WHAT'S THAT?
- OH, IT'S A SACK OF ONIONS.
I'M MAKING THE
AFTERNOON DELIVERY.
- IT'S A BABY.
- YEAH, BABY ONIONS.
- IT'S ADORABLE, HERE.
- IT'S NO IT, IT'S A SHE.
IF YOU PAT HER ON THE
BACK SHE STOPS CRYING.
- MAYNARD FOUND HER IN THE PARK.
THIS NOTE CAME WITH HER.
- NO KIDDING?
- YEAH, TAKE A LOOK.
- OH, POOR CHILD. WE'LL HAVE
TO TURN HER OVER TO THE POLICE.
- POLICE? OH, NO, STALE BREAD,
A COLD, MISERABLE CORNER.
- MAYNARD, NOT AGAIN.
- CAN'T I JUST KEEP
HER FOR A WHILE?
- MAYNARD, YOUR
SENTIMENTS DO YOU HONOR
BUT WE'VE GOT NO
RIGHT TO KEEP HER.
- YEAH, I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT'S ALWAYS LIKE THIS WITH ME.
AS SOON AS I, LIKE,
START TO LIKE SOMETHING,
THEY TAKE IT AWAY.
- MAYNARD.
- LIKE THAT FOX TERRIER I HAD.
WHENEVER I CAME HOME
HE'D GO, "RUFF-RUFF."
AND I'D SCRATCH HIS EARS
AND HE'D LICK MY HAND
BUT THEN HE RAN AWAY.
THEN I FOUND THIS DUCK.
HE GOT SO HE KNEW ME.
WHENEVER I CAME HOME,
HE'D GO, "QUACK-QUACK"
AND GO FLAPPING AROUND THE YARD
WAITING FOR ME TO FEED HIM.
- MAYNARD.
- BUT THEN I HAD
TO GIVE HIM AWAY
ON ACCOUNT OF HE LAID
EGGS IN THE NEIGHBOR'S YARD.
AND NOW I GOT THIS BABY
AND SHE KNOWS ME, TOO.
SHE EVEN BITES HER FINGER.
[SNEEZES]
- GOD BLESS YOU. SHE
EVEN BITES MY FINGER
AND GETS TO KNOW ME,
MAYBE KNOW MY NAME.
- MAYNARD.
- BUT I'M GONNA LOSE HER, TOO,
JUST LIKE I LOST MY
DOG AND MY DUCK.
NO MORE RUFF-RUFF. NO
MORE QUACK-QUACK. NO MORE...
- MAYNARD, STOP IT,
YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART.
- ZELDA, THIS IS INHUMAN,
CAN'T WE LET HIM KEEP HER
JUST FOR A LITTLE WHILE?
- WELL...
- OH, HI, KIDS.
- HI, DAD.
- WHAT YOU DOING THERE?
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING
TO HIDE, MAYNARD?
- NOTHING, MR. GILLIS.
- A BASKET FULL OF NOTHING.
- ONIONS! ONIONS
FOR THE DELIVERY.
- MAYNARD, COME BACK HERE.
- NOW, DAD.
- LISTEN, I KNOW YOU DON'T
GET ONIONS IN A CLOTHES BASKET.
- MR. GILLIS, WE HAVE TO HURRY.
- YES, I KNOW YOU
HAVE TO HURRY, SCOOT.
NO, I CAN'T SAY IT.
- HEY, DOBE, WHERE'S ZELDA?
- IN CLASS WITH EVERYBODY ELSE.
- OH.
- AND MAYNARD,
WHY ARE YOU WEARING
THAT KNAPSACK?
AND DON'T TELL ME.
- OH.
- HOW DO WE KNOW
SHE ISN'T A PAPOOSE?
- MAYNARD, WE'VE GOT TO
FIND A PLACE TO LEAVE HER
TILL WE DECIDE WHAT TO DO.
- WELL.
- IT'S...
MAYNARD, IT'S A CINCH
WE CAN'T LEAVE HER HERE.
- WHY DON'T WE TAKE
HER TO CLASS WITH US?
- MR. POMFRITT'S CLASS?
SURELY YOU JEST.
- WHY NOT?
WHO'D NOTICE ONE MORE
SLEEPING KID IN THAT CLASS?
- MAYNARD, IT'S OUT
OF THE QUESTION.
- WELL, DOBE?
- WELL, MAYNARD?
- I ASKED YOU FIRST.
- I'VE HEARD OF STARTING
KIDS IN SCHOOL EARLY
BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
- NOW, MY YOUNG BUNSEN BURNERS,
LET'S TURN TO THE STUDY
OF THE ELEMENT OF GOLD.
ZELDA GILROY, WHAT DO YOU
KNOW ABOUT THIS IMPORTANT METAL?
- WELL, ITS CHEMICAL
SYMBOL IS AU
AND ITS ATOMIC WEIGHT IS 197.2.
- VERY GOOD.
- CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.
IN WHAT FORM IS
GOLD USUALLY FOUND?
- IN THE FORM OF MONEY.
- WELL, YES, BUT IT DOES
APPEAR IN OTHER FORMS.
- HOW VULGAR.
- ALSO, HOW TRUE.
- I HAVE NO WISH TO QUESTION
YOUR AUTHORITY, MR. POMFRITT,
BUT I AM CONSIDERED
RATHER AN EXPERT
ON THE SUBJECT OF GOLD.
SEE, MY FAMILY INVENTED IT.
- MR. OSBORNE, YOU
DON'T SEEM TO BE AWARE
THAT THIS IS A
CLASS IN CHEMISTRY,
NOT A SEAT ON THE NEW
YORK STOCK EXCHANGE,
WHICH PROBABLY
ACCOUNTS FOR THE FACT
THAT YOU ARE NUMBER
ONE MAN ON OUR FLUNK LIST.
- EGAD, WHAT IF MUMSY
SHOULD FIND OUT?
- THE MIND TREMBLES.
- SHE'D PACK ME OFF
TO MILITARY SCHOOL
QUICKER THAN ONE CAN SAY
FEDERAL RESERVE BANK NOTE.
- WELL, WE CAN
ALWAYS HOPE, CAN'T WE?
BUT NOW, LET US MAKE THE LONG
RETURN JOURNEY TO SCIENCE.
GOLD IS A USEFUL
AND IMPORTANT METAL.
HOWEVER, THERE ARE
CERTAIN OTHER ELEMENTS
WHICH ARE SHIFTY,
DECEITFUL, UNSTABLE, TRICKY.
- YOU RANG?
- HI MR. POMFRITT, ARE WE LATE?
- FOR SPRING VACATION? NO.
FOR THIS CLASS, YES. NOW
WHAT'S IN THAT KNAPSACK?
- WHAT KNAPSACK?
- THE KNAPSACK
THAT'S GONNA TAKE YOU
RIGHT STRAIGHT TO
THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE
IF YOU DON'T SHAPE
UP AND TELL ME.
- OH, THAT KNAPSACK.
THAT'S MY LUNCH.
MY LUNCH. LUNCH.
- YOU'RE KIDDING.
- YES, LIKE, MY LUNCH,
TOO, MR. POMFRITT, SIR.
- WELL, MAYNARD, I'VE SEEN
YOU UNDER A FULL HEAD OF STEAM
IN THE SCHOOL CAFETERIA,
SO THAT I CAN BELIEVE.
- NOW, CLASS, IF YOU WILL
PLEASE TURN TO PAGE 208
IN YOUR TEXTBOOKS,
WE WILL PREPARE FOR
TODAY'S EXPERIMENT.
- NOW DON'T TELL ME YOU
COULDN'T FIND ANYPLACE ELSE
TO LEAVE THAT BABY.
- NO PLACE.
- SHE ASKED YOU NOT TO TELL HER.
- MAYNARD. ZELDA, WE
COULDN'T LEAVE HER HOME.
MY FOLKS WOULD FIND
HER IN TWO MINUTES.
- YEAH, WE DIDN'T HAVE A QUARTER
TO PUT HER IN ONE OF THEM
LOCKERS IN THE BUS STATION.
[BABY CRIES]
- WHAT WAS THAT?
- WHAT WAS WHAT?
[BABY CRIES]
- THAT.
- THAT WHAT?
- AND TO THINK I
TURNED DOWN A CHANCE
TO GO INTO AIR CONDITIONING.
- DOBIE, GET THAT
BABY OUT OF HERE,
YOU'VE GOT TO.
- GOOD THINKING.
- MAYBE WE COULD SNEAK
HER OUT THE WINDOW.
- GOOD THINKING.
- AND THEN WE COULD TAKE IT
OVER TO MAYNARD'S HOUSE.
- BAD THINKING.
- WHY NOT?
- I DON'T EXACTLY
UNDERSTAND IT, DOBE,
BUT EVER SINCE I WAS BORN
MY FATHER AIN'T TOO
CRAZY ABOUT BABIES.
- NO COMMENT.
- PLEASE, CHATSWORTH,
WE'RE TRYING TO WORK.
- OH, DO TELL.
[BABY COOS]
- THAT SOUND DIDN'T
COME FROM ANY OF YOU.
- SHH. SHH.
- MR. POMFRITT,
OH, MR. POMFRITT,
SOMETHING RATHER ODD
IS GOING ON AROUND HERE.
[BABY CRIES]
- I HEAR IT AGAIN.
- IT'S JUST A LITTLE EXPERIMENT
I'M WORKING ON, MR. POMFRITT.
- OH.
- NOT TOO CLOSE, IT'S
LIABLE TO EXPLODE.
- I'LL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF
THIS IF IT TAKES ME ALL SEMESTER.
- OH, MR. POMFRITT.
MR. POMFRITT, NOW LOOK.
MR. POMFRITT!
- MAYNARD!
[BELL RINGS]
- HEY. COME ON,
LET'S GO IN HERE.
- MAYNARD.
MAYNARD, NOW, LOOK,
WE GOT TO STOP SNEAKING
AROUND LIKE A BUNCH OF CRIMINALS.
YOU GOT TO DO SOMETHING
ABOUT THAT BABY.
- YEAH.
- LIKE, RIGHT, ZELDA,
YOU GOT TO DO
SOMETHING ABOUT THIS BABY.
- ME?
- OH, THANK YOU,
ZELDA, THANK YOU.
YOU'RE ALL HEART, LITTLE MOTHER.
- MAYNARD, CUT THAT
OUT. YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO'S GOING TO HAVE TO DO
SOMETHING ABOUT THE BABY.
- OH, I GOT IT. I'LL ADOPT HER.
- IMPOSSIBLE.
- ADOPTION'S ONLY
FOR MARRIED PEOPLE.
- THAT'S SILLY. SHE'S TOO
YOUNG TO GET MARRIED.
- MAYNARD, YOU'D
HAVE TO BE MARRIED.
- OH.
- OH, YEAH.
- ZELDA, WILL YOU...
- ABSOLUTELY NOT.
- I'LL POLISH MY SNEAKERS
AND EVERYTHING.
- UP, BOY, UP.
- YEAH, WHY YOU HATE ME,
ZELDA, I'M A HUMAN PERSON?
- OH, MAYNARD.
LOOK, I DON'T HATE...
- OH, I GOT IT.
DOBE, WHY DON'T YOU
AND ZELDA GET MARRIED?
THEN YOU TWO CAN...
- ABSOLUTELY NOT.
NO OFFENSE, ZELDA.
- SHE'S ALL BRAINS AND
MAYBE AFTER A WHILE
YOU GET USED TO HER.
- MAYNARD
- NOW LET'S NOT BE TOO
HASTY TO DUMP A GOOD IDEA.
- FINE, FINE, WE'RE CHILD
SMUGGLERS AND SHE'S WRINKLING.
- I GOT ANOTHER IDEA.
- I HOPE IT'S BETTER
THAN THE LAST ONE.
- WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE BABY
HOME WITH YOU, ZELDA?
- OH, NO, THERE ARE SIX GIRLS
IN MY FAMILY ALREADY
AND IF ONE MORE SHOWS UP
MY FATHER WILL PICK UP HIS
HAT AND FOREIGN LEGIONS-VILLE.
- WHAT IF ONE OF YOU
GIRLS GET MARRIED?
- WELL, NOW THAT'S
POSSIBLE. YOU SEE, MY SISTERS
ARE ALMOST AS ATTRACTIVE
AND DESIRABLE AS I AM,
SO IN THAT CASE - IN THAT CASE
WE BETTER FORGET IT.
I'LL JUST HAVE TO STAND UP
AND FIGHT TO KEEP
THIS BABY MYSELF.
- MAYNARD.
- AGAINST ANYBODY.
- MAYNARD.
- AGAINST EVERYBODY.
- MAYNARD.
- JUST LET SOMEBODY
TRY TO TAKE THIS BABY AWAY.
- MAYNARD.
MR. POMFRITT'S
HEADING DOWN THE HALL.
- I'LL STAND AND FIGHT...
MR. POMFRITT'S HEADED
DOWN THE HALL.
- YEAH.
- LIKE, BYE.
- LOOK, I DON'T
WANNA DO ANYTHING
TO HURT THE BABY, EITHER
BUT WE CAN'T HIDE HER
ANYMORE. IT'S TOO RISKY.
- YEAH, WE'LL JUST HAVE TO
TAKE HER TO THE POLICE STATION.
- POLICE?
- MAYNARD.
MAYNARD, BE REASONABLE
IT'S THE ONLY WAY.
- FIRST OF ALL, THEY
TOOK AWAY MY RUFF-RUFF.
THEN THEY TOOK
AWAY MY QUACK-QUACK.
NOW THEY'RE GONNA...
- MAYNARD, STOP THAT.
WE'RE ONLY DOING
WHAT WE HAVE TO DO.
- YEAH, WHY FIGHT IT. IT'S
BIGGER THAN BOTH OF US.
- IT'S BETTER THIS, DEAR,
SWEET, GENTLE MAYNARD.
- ALL RIGHT, BUT LET'S GET IT
OVER WITH QUICK AND PAINLESS.
GO GET THE POLICE. POLICE?
US TWO WILL WAIT HERE.
- COME ON, DOBIE.
- HELLO THERE,
BABY. YOU LIKE ME?
I LIKE YOU. OH, YOU'RE
A PRETTY LITTLE BABY.
YOU'RE, LIKE, PRETTIER
THAN MY DUCK.
YOU'RE, LIKE, PRETTIER
THAN MY FOX TERRIER, TOO.
YEAH, HE WAS SMARTER.
BUT YOU'RE, LIKE, PRETTIER.
- OH, HEY, YOURS IS CUTE.
- THANK YOU. HEY, SO IS YOURS.
- YEAH, 13 MONTHS OLD,
NAME'S GERALD.
- BOY OR A GIRL?
- BOY. GERALD TARANTINO.
- MINE'S KATRINA, THE
NOTE SAID SHE'S A YEAR OLD.
- NOTE, AREN'T YOU HER FATHER?
- NO, HER MOTHER.
- MINE KEPT ME
UP HALF THE NIGHT,
JUST WOULDN'T GO TO SLEEP.
- YEAH, WELL, MINE
SLEEPS LIKE A BABY.
[BABY COOS]
- THAT'S WONDERFUL.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE HER ON,
A SPECIAL DIET OR SOMETHING?
- NO, NOTHING SPECIAL.
JUST CHOCOLATE ICE
CREAM AND GINGER ALE.
- WHERE ARE YOUR CEREALS
AND YOUR STRAINED VEGETABLES?
- I DON'T EAT THEM,
WHY SHOULD SHE?
- WELL, YOU GOT A POINT.
GOT TO ADMIT SHE
LOOKS PRETTY GOOD.
[BABBLES]
- YEAH.
- DOBIE, I'M WORRIED.
MAYNARD IS SO
CRAZY ABOUT THAT KID
HE'S LIABLE TO DO
SOMETHING DESPERATE.
- NO, HE WOULDN'T
DO ANYTHING UNKIND.
MAYNARD DOESN'T KNOW THE
MEANING OF THE WORD UNKIND.
- THERE'S A LOT OF
WORDS THAT MAYNARD
DOESN'T KNOW THE MEANING
OF, INCLUDING KIDNAPPING.
- OH, ZELDA, MAYNARD WOULDN'T...
QUICK, BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE,
LET'S GET THAT BABY
TO THE POLICE STATION.
- SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.
- OH,
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN SHE CRIES?
- OH, I, LIKE, PAT HER
ON THE BACK LIKE THIS.
[SCATTING]
- THAT LOOKS PRETTY
GOOD. LET ME TRY THAT.
- OH.
[SCATTING]
NO, HERE. [SCATTING]
- NO, NO, LIKE THIS. HERE.
[SCATTING]
- [SCATTING]
- NO, YOUR HANDS ARE,
LIKE, IN THE RIGHT PLACE
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE THE
BEAT YET. TRY CHA-CHA-CHA.
- CHA-CHA-CHA.
- YEAH.
[SCATTING]
- LISTEN, YOU'VE REALLY
GOT A WAY WITH KIDS, MISTER.
- THANK YOU, MA'AM.
YOU KEEP PRACTICING.
YOU MIGHT GET IT, TOO.
- I SURE HOPE SO. I
GOT FIVE MORE AT HOME.
- OH, GREAT, YOU GOT, LIKE, A
LOT OF EQUIPMENT TO PRACTICE ON.
- I THINK I BETTER GO
HOME AND PRACTICE NOW.
[BABBLES]
- IN WE GO. SAY GOODBYE.
SEE YOU LATER.
- BYE, MRS. TARANTINO,
BYE, GERALD.
SAY GOODBYE TO GERALD, BABY.
- MAYNARD.
- OH, LIKE, HI, GOOD BUDDY.
YOU BACK ALREADY
WITH THE POLICE? POLICE?
- MAYNARD, I GOT TO
TELL YOU SOMETHING.
YOU'RE GONNA KEEP THAT BABY.
- DOBIE, ARE YOU
OUT OF YOUR MIND?
WE CAN'T KEEP THAT BABY.
WELL, I'M GOING TO THE
POLICE EVEN IF YOU...
- POLICE?
- ZELDA, LISTEN,
LET MAYNARD KEEP HER
JUST FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
- PLEASE, SMALL GIRL.
- ARE YOU MAD? THIS BABY
NEEDS A PROPER HOME.
- SURE, A PROPER HOME,
NOT A POLICE STATION,
NOT AN INSTITUTION.
- YEAH, CHIMNEYS, COAL
MINES AND OLIVER TWIST.
HOW CAN YOU BE SO
CRUEL AND ROTTEN?
- YEAH, CAN'T WE KEEP HER
WHILE WE LOOK FOR A GOOD HOME?
JUST FOR A LITTLE WHILE?
- PLEASE, ZELDA?
- WELL - YOU'RE ALL HEART, GIRL.
SO ARE YOU, KID. SAY,
LIKE, THANK YOU TO ZELDA.
[BABY CRIES]
- HEY, YOUR BABY WOKE UP, HUH?
- NOT MY BABY, MUST BE YOURS.
- MINE'S 18.
BOY, BOY, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
- YOU DON'T WANT TO GO UP THERE.
- OH, I DON'T?
- OF COURSE NOT,
IT'S DAMP UP THERE,
BAD FOR YOUR LUMBAGO.
- OH, UP THERE IT'S
DAMP. IT'S DAMP UP THERE?
IT IS 10 FEET HIGHER UP
THERE THAN IT IS DOWN HERE
BUT IT'S DAMP UP THERE?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT GETS
INTO YOU SOMETIMES, BOY,
BUT I DO KNOW THIS,
WHENEVER YOU COME UP
WITH A CRAZY STORY LIKE
THIS, YOU ARE UP TO SOMETHING.
NOW, OUT WITH IT. WHAT'S
GOING ON UP THERE?
- DON'T GIVE ME
THAT INNOCENT STUFF.
WHERE DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE GOING, MAYNARD?
- OH, WHAT A NICE
DAY, HUH, MR. GILLIS?
- IT IS GETTING READY TO RAIN
AND WHAT HAVE YOU
GOT IN THE BASKET?
- WHAT IF I TOLD YOU
IT WAS, LIKE, MY LUNCH?
- YEAH, WHAT IF YOU DID?
THERE'S SOMETHING VERY PECULIAR
GOING ON AROUND HERE AND I THINK
THERE'S AN EXPLANATION COMING.
- OKAY, LET'S HAVE IT.
- WELL, I WAS STANDING
AT THE COUNTER...
GIVE ME THAT BASKET.
- YOU'RE SCARING MAYNARD.
- AND VICE VERSA AND
HE ISN'T EVEN TRYING.
- REMEMBER ME?
I CAME BY FOR SOME OF
THAT CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM
AND GINGER ALE, THOUGHT
MAYBE I'D GET MY KIDS
TO SLEEP LIKE YOURS.
BOY, YOUR STORE IS A
LOT OF FUN, MR. GILLIS.
- IT'S EMPTY.
- LIKE, NATURALLY,
WHAT'D YOU EXPECT?
- I DON'T KNOW. SOMETHING
GOING ON AROUND HERE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT,
WHERE, WHEN, WHY
BUT I KNOW ONE THING, I
WAS STANDING RIGHT HERE
AT THE COUNTER
AND I SAID TO HER,
"I THINK YOUR BABY WOKE UP,"
SHE SAYS, "IT'S NOT MY BABY,"
AND I HEARD IT AGAIN
AND SO I TURNED AROUND
TO GO UPSTAIRS, SEE?
I WALKED OUT AND DOBIE
CAME BACK OUT HERE
- MAYNARD, WHERE'S THE
BABY? WHAT HAPPENED?
- SIMMER DOWN, GOOD BUDDY,
SOMEWHERE IN THAT STREET
THERE'S A BABY BUGGY
CARRYING A DOUBLE PAYLOAD.
I THINK MY BABY GOT
INTO YOUR BUGGY.
- OH, ARE YOU NUTS?
WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
NOW HOW DO YOU
SUPPOSE SHE GOT IN THERE?
- I DON'T KNOW,
THEY'RE PRETTY CLEVER.
LOOK HOW THEY STICK
THEIR TOES IN THEIR MOUTH.
- MAYNARD.
- OH, LISTEN,
LET'S MAKE A DECISION.
WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT?
- WELL, LET'S SEE.
- I'VE GOT A GREAT IDEA,
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE YOURS?
- YEAH, GOOD THINKING.
- GOOD THINKING, YEAH,
COME ON, MAYNARD.
[CRIES]
- OKAY, FELLAS, WE'LL SEE YOU.
- BYE-BYE.
- NOW JUST A MINUTE.
THAT'S ALL, MAYNARD,
THAT'S POSITIVELY ALL.
WE'RE GOING TO THE
POLICE RIGHT NOW.
- POLICE?
- SHE'S RIGHT, MAYNARD.
- NO, SIR, I'M NOT
GONNA GIVE UP THE BABY
TILL I'M SURE SHE'S GONNA
GET A BEAUTIFUL HOME
WITH LUXURY AND RICHES
AND WEALTH, ALL LIKE THAT.
- SWELL, WHO WOULD WE
FIND WITH A HOME LIKE THAT?
- HI HO, PLAYMATES,
ANYONE FOR POLO?
- NOW, GO AHEAD, CHATSWORTH,
TALK TO YOUR MOTHER
ABOUT TAKING THE BABY.
- WELL, NOT SO FAST NOW.
IT ISN'T THAT I
DISLIKE CHILDREN.
I WAS ONE MYSELF AT ONE TIME,
OR SO MY GOVERNESS TELLS ME.
BUT HERE, AT OSBORNE HOUSE?
CAVORTING IN THE FORMAL GARDENS?
WREAKING HAVOC WITH
THE LOUIS XIV DECOR?
- CHATSWORTH, IT PAINS ME
DEEPLY TO PUT IT ON THIS BASIS
BUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN
IF YOU FLUNK CHEMISTRY?
- NO, PERISH FORBID,
MUMSY WOULD PACK ME
OFF TO MILITARY SCHOOL
QUICKER THAN SHE COULD
FORECLOSE A MORTGAGE.
- YEAH, IN MILITARY SCHOOL
YOU'LL HAVE NO LITTLE
BLUE SPORTS CAR.
- NO PRIVATE TENNIS COURT.
- NO VALET.
- NO BUTLER.
- NO CHAUFFER.
- NO WARDEN.
- NO...
- JUST HOLDING UP MY
END OF THE CONVERSATION.
- THE PICTURE YOU PAINT IS
FRIGHTENING, FRIGHTENING.
WHAT SHALL I DO?
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
- CHATSWORTH,
THERE'S ONLY PERSON
WHO CAN GET YOU THROUGH
THE CHEMISTRY COURSE.
- WELL, WHO PRAY
TELL, WHO, WHO, WHO?
- HER, HER, HER.
NOW CUT THAT OUT!
- OF COURSE, ZELDA,
THE SMARTEST PUPIL
IN THE ENTIRE CLASS.
YOU'LL DO IT, DEAR GIRL,
YOU'LL SAVE ME, WON'T YOU?
- NO.
- NO.
- NO.
- BUT I COULDN'T BEAR TO LOSE
MY LITTLE BLUE SPORTS CAR
OR MY DOLLAR-SHAPED
SWIMMING POOL
OH, AND JUST SCADS OF
OTHER LITTLE NECESSITIES.
- SHE'LL DO IT ON ONE CONDITION.
- YOU MEAN?
- THAT'S RIGHT. THE BABY.
- VERY WELL, I'LL DO IT.
- WONDERFUL.
I COULD KISS YOU.
- I COULDN'T.
- NEVER MIND THAT.
NOW, THE BABY.
- YES, WELL, THIS
MAY TAKE SOME DOING.
MUMSY IS VERY PARTICULAR.
- WELL, IN THIS PLACE
SHE'D NEVER NOTICE
ANOTHER MOUTH TO FEED.
- YOU MUST HAVE
AT LEAST 50 ROOMS.
- ACTUALLY ONLY 47,
THREE WERE STOLEN.
- OH, GULP, HERE
COMES MUMSY NOW.
- OH, HOW I LONG FOR THE DAYS
WHEN SERVANTS WERE INDENTURED.
GOOD GRACIOUS,
THIS SERVANT PROBLEM
BECOMES MORE
UNBEARABLE EVERYDAY.
HOW I LONG FOR THE
DAYS OF SERFDOM.
OH, CHATSWORTH,
MUST YOU DO THAT,
YOU NASTY BOY?
- MUMSY, I ADORE YOU.
- OH, ROT.
THE ONLY TIME YOU EVER KISS
ME IS WHEN YOU WANT SOMETHING.
- WELL, AS A MATTER
OF FACT, THERE IS A...
- KISSING ME IS THE SUREST
WAY NOT TO GET IT. TREMBLAY?
- YES, MADAM?
- I DISCHARGED THE...
- EVA AND TOMAS.
EVA AND TOMAS A WEEK AGO.
WHY ARE THEY STILL
CLUTTERING UP THE GROUNDS?
- THEY'RE WAITING FOR
THEIR SALARY CHECKS, MADAM.
SOME NONSENSE ABOUT
NEEDING THE MONEY
TO BOOK PASSAGE BACK
TO THEIR HOMELAND.
- OH, DEAR, DIDN'T MY FINANCIAL
SECRETARY TAKE CARE OF THAT?
I'M GOING TO
DISCHARGE HIM AT ONCE.
- OH, YOU ALREADY DID, MADAM.
- I DID? WHO CAN KEEP TRACK
OF ALL THESE SECRETARIES?
- I CAN, MADAM, YOU
DISCHARGED FIVE LAST MONTH.
- WELL, IT WAS A SHORT MONTH.
MY CHECKBOOK, TREMBLAY.
YOU KNOW, IT SEEMS RATHER
A SHAME TO HAVE TO LET, EH...
- EVA AND TOMAS.
- EVA AND TOMAS GO.
THEY WERE REALLY
QUITE GOOD SERVANTS
EXCEPT FOR ONE NASTY HABIT.
- THEY DIDN'T WARM THE PLATES?
- OH, YES, THEY DID.
THEY WARMED THE PLATES
BUT THEY BROUGHT THEM
IN IN THEIR COLD HANDS.
- HOW GHASTLY.
- YES,
RATHER MAKES YOU WONDER
WHAT THE WORLD'S COMING TO.
OH, TREMBLAY, THIS
PEN'S WORN OUT.
CATCH MY PEACOCK
AND PULL ANOTHER TAIL FEATHER.
- YES, MADAM.
- MUMSY, DO YOU LIKE CHILDREN?
- I LOATHE CHILDREN.
AND THAT'S NOT REMARKABLE
CONSIDERING THE
EXPERIENCE I'VE HAD.
- MUMSY, HOW DROLL.
- OH, CHATSWORTH,
STOP THAT FAWNING. ALL RIGHT,
WHAT IS IT YOU WANT? COME ON.
- PERHAPS I SHOULD SHOW
YOU. PEOPLE, PEOPLE, HERE.
- HELLO, MRS. OSBORNE.
- HOW ARE YOU, MRS. OSBORNE?
- IF YOU PAT HER ON THE
BACK SHE STOPS CRYING.
- OH, CHATSWORTH, THROW
THESE WANDERING TROUBADOURS
CRUSTS OF BREAD
AND AWAY WITH THEM.
- MRS. OSBORNE, I, LIKE, MAYBE
I'M ONE OF THOSE WANDERING
WHAT YOU SAID BUT SHE ISN'T.
- GOOD GRACIOUS. IF MY MEMORY
SERVES ME
CORRECTLY, IT'S A BABY.
- THE NICEST BABY
IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
- EVEN NICER.
- I WILL NOT HAVE AN INFANT
CLUTTERING UP THESE GROUNDS.
- [BABY CRIES]
- GUARDS! GUARDS! GUARDS!
OUT OF HERE, YOU RAGAMUFFIN,
BEFORE I HAVE YOU THROWN...
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING TO THAT CHILD?
- HOLDING HER.
- OH, YOU NASTY
BOY. GIVE HER TO ME.
THERE, THERE, THERE, THERE.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NOW
YOU BE QUIET. QUIET, I SAY,
NOW, IT'S ALL THAT'S
NEEDED IS A FIRM HAND.
- HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO
KEEP HER, MRS. OSBORNE?
- YEAH, FOR JUST A LITTLE WHILE
TO KEEP HER OUT OF CHIMNEYS.
- OH, IT'S OUT OF THE QUESTION I
KNOW NOTHING ABOUT CHILDREN.
- SURE YOU DO. LOOK
AT CHATSWORTH.
- YES, LOOK AT HIM.
- I'M SORRY I BROUGHT IT UP.
- NO, I AM.
- MRS. OSBORNE,
WE HAVE TO FIND A
NICE HOME FOR THE BABY.
- AND YOU GOT MORE NICE HOME
THAN THE WHOLE
STATE OF CLEVELAND.
- IT'S OUT OF THE QUESTION.
- MUMSY, DESPITE THE
COMPANY SHE KEEPS
THE CHILD DOES DESERVE
A DECENT PLACE TO STAY.
- WHY, CHATSWORTH,
YOU SURPRISE ME.
WHY, YOU'RE A WARM-HEARTED BOY.
NASTY, BUT WARM-HEARTED.
- MADAM, IF YOU HAVE OUR
CHECKS WE'RE READY TO LEAVE NOW.
- WE WILL...
[GASPS]
KATRINA!
TOMAS, THIS IS
OUR BABY, KATRINA!
- STAND BACK! STAND BACK, I SAY.
EVA, TOMAS, IS THIS YOUR BABY?
- WE HAVE NO MORE JOB SO WE HAVE
TO GO BACK TO THE OLD COUNTRY.
- IT IS NOT GOOD AT
THE OLD COUNTRY.
NOT LIKE THIS BLESSED AMERICA.
SO WE DECIDED OUR
KATRINA MUST BE AN AMERICAN.
- IT WAS A HARD DECISION,
MADAM. WE LOVE OUR BABY.
- YES, TOMAS, WE LOVE
OUR BABY SO MUCH
THAT WE DIDN'T THINK
WELL. WE CANNOT LEAVE HER.
NO MATTER HOW BAD IT
WILL BE IN THE OLD COUNTRY,
IT'S OUR BABY AND
WE MUST KEEP HER.
- YOU'RE RIGHT. MADAM,
GIVE ME PLEASE THE BABY,
SHE GOES WITH HER
PARENTS WHO LOVE HER.
- STAND BACK, I SAY.
THIS CHILD STAYS HERE
AND SO DO YOU TWO.
- MADAM...
- STOP!
PLEASE, NO TEARS.
I'M VERY SENTIMENTAL.
- DOBE.
- I KNOW, MAYNARD,
I'M GETTING MISTY, TOO.
- MOVE OVER.
- MADAM, THAT'S YOUR 4,000
CARAT DIAMOND NECKLACE.
- OH, LAST YEAR'S.
- OH, BUT MUMSY, PLEASE.
- OH, BE QUIET, YOU NASTY
BOY. THIS CHILD HAS SPIRIT.
- NOW, MUMSY, I MUST
REALLY PROTEST THIS ONE...
- WILL YOU BE QUIET! AND
HOLD YOUR BABY SISTER.
- GOO-GOO? GOO?
- COME ON NOW, NOW WE MUST EAT.
THIS FOOD HAS BEEN ORDERED
WITH THE APPROVAL OF DR. SPOCK.
- COME ON.
OH, YOU DON'T WANT ANY MORE.
ALL RIGHT.
LULLABY TIME. GET GOING.
SOMETHING SOOTHING,
SHE'S READY FOR BED.
- ALL RIGHT, AN F
CHORD PLEASE, ZELDA.
[HUMS]
- ♪ LULLABY AND GOOD NIGHT ♪
♪ THOSE BLUE EYES CLOSE TIGHT ♪
♪ BRIGHT ANGELS ARE NEAR ♪
♪ SO SLEEP WITHOUT FEAR ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
SOMEONE WILL
SURELY FIND IT SOON.
- IT IS BEST WE GO NOW, AVA.
- THOMAS, MUST WE DO THIS?
- IT'S THE ONLY WAY.
EVEN THOUGH WE MUST
RETURN TO THE OLD COUNTRY,
LITTLE KATRINA SHALL BE
BROUGHT UP IN AMERICA.
- OH, MY POOR BABY, SO HELPLESS,
SO TRUSTING, SO
GENTLE, SO INNOCENT.
- [MAYNARD SCATTING]
- [BABY CRYING]
- OH, HI, BABY.
BABY?
NAH, COULDN'T BE A BABY.
LIKE, MAN, IT
LOOKED LIKE A BABY.
- [BABY COOING]
- LIKE, MAN, IT
SOUNDS LIKE A BABY.
OH, HEY, YOU.
HEY,
ARE YOU A BABY OR
A LITTLE TINY PERSON?
YOU A BABY.
♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
[SCATTING] ♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
- IN HIS LIFETIME MY
FRIEND MAYNARD G. KREBS
HAS FOUND MANY STRANGE
THINGS. JACKKNIVES, TINFOIL,
OLD STRING, TWO LANDON BUTTONS,
BUS TRANSFERS, AND ONCE
EVEN A PASS TO A PRIZE FIGHT
BETWEEN PRIMO CARNERA
AND JACK SHARKEY.
BUT A BABY?
A REAL, LIVE,
CRYING, LIVE, BABY?
- OOH, WHAT A HEALTHY BABY.
- YEAH.
- 280 POUNDS.
- HUH?
MAYNARD, THAT'S $2.80.
- SHE'S WORTH MORE THAN THAT.
- YEAH, YEAH, GEE, IT
SURE LIKES YOU, MAYNARD.
- YEAH, THINKS I'M ITS MOTHER.
- LOOK, HERE'S A NOTE.
- OOH, DOBE, IT WRITES
BETTER THAN ME.
- "DEAR SI..."
"DEAR SIR OR MADAM.
- YEAH, WE MUST FIT
IN THERE SOMEPLACE.
- "PLEASE GIVE TO
OUR BABY A GOOD HOME
"AS WE CANNOT DO IT OURSELF.
"HER NAME IS KATRINA
AND SHE IS ONE YEAR OLD.
IF SHE CRIES, PAT THE BACK
SOFTLY AND SHE WILL STOP."
- OH.
IT DON'T WORK, DOBE.
- THE BABY'S BACK, MAYNARD.
- OH, CRAZY.
- YEAH, YEAH, MAYNARD,
WE'VE GOT TO TAKE HER
DOWN TO THE POLICE STATION.
- POLICE? WHAT FOR, DOBE,
SHE DIDN'T DO NOTHING.
- WELL, THEY'LL TRY
AND FIND HER PARENTS.
IF THEY CAN'T DO THAT
THEN THEY'LL FIND SOME
SORT OF HOME FOR HER.
- YEAH, I HEARD
ABOUT THEM HOMES.
NOTHING BUT STALE
BREAD AND WATER
AND MAYBE ONCE IN A WHILE A
WHOLE MESS OF LUMPY OATMEAL.
- MAYNARD, THEY DON'T DO
THINGS LIKE THAT ANYMORE.
- AND WHEN SHE'S,
LIKE, AROUND FIVE
THEY'LL SEND HER OUT TO WORK
AND SHE'LL BE, LIKE,
SWEEPING CHIMNEYS
AND SLEEPING IN SOME
COLD MISERABLE CORNER.
- MAYNARD.
- A FIVE-YEAR-OLD KID
SWEEPING CHIMNEYS OR
WORKING IN A COAL MINE!
- MAYNARD, ENOUGH!
- AND BY THE TIME SHE'S EIGHT
SHE'LL BE OLD AND
THEY'LL TOSS HER OUT
LIKE A SQUEEZED-OUT GRAPEFRUIT!
- MAYNARD, WHERE'D YOU
EVER GET SUCH SILLY IDEAS?
- WHO SAYS THEY'RE SILLY?
DON'T YOU REMEMBER THEM BOOKS
YOU READ IN ENGLISH CLASS
ABOUT ENGLAND, YOU KNOW,
OLIVER TWIST AND
DAVID COPPERHEAD.
- THAT'S COPPERFIELD AND
NO WONDER YOU FLUNKED.
- YEAH, COPPERFIELD. THEM
LITTLE ENGLISH ORPHANS
GOT KICKED AROUND
LIKE CRICKET BALLS.
- MAYNARD, TIMES HAVE CHANGED.
THOSE BOOKS WERE WRITTEN
ABOUT CONDITIONS AROUND 1850.
- ONLY 25 YEARS AGO.
HOW MUCH COULD TIMES
CHANGE SINCE THEN?
- NOW THAT I THINK OF IT,
YOU ALSO FLUNKED MATH.
- YEAH, SHE'LL BE
WEARING OLD RAGS
AND BEGGING FOR
A CRUST OF BREAD.
- MAYNARD.
- NO GAMES, NO FUN, NO KIDHOOD.
- MAYNARD, CALM DOWN.
- WHAT A WAY
TO TREAT A POOR LITTLE BABY.
YOU'RE TAKING AWAY HER HALLOWEEN
AND CHRISTMAS AND MOTHER'S DAY,
YOU RAT! AND WHAT ABOUT
FATHER'S DAY, YOU OTHER RAT?
- MAYNARD, WHAT'S
THE MATTER WITH YOU?
HEY, WHAT'S THAT?
- OH, IT'S A SACK OF ONIONS.
I'M MAKING THE
AFTERNOON DELIVERY.
- IT'S A BABY.
- YEAH, BABY ONIONS.
- IT'S ADORABLE, HERE.
- IT'S NO IT, IT'S A SHE.
IF YOU PAT HER ON THE
BACK SHE STOPS CRYING.
- MAYNARD FOUND HER IN THE PARK.
THIS NOTE CAME WITH HER.
- NO KIDDING?
- YEAH, TAKE A LOOK.
- OH, POOR CHILD. WE'LL HAVE
TO TURN HER OVER TO THE POLICE.
- POLICE? OH, NO, STALE BREAD,
A COLD, MISERABLE CORNER.
- MAYNARD, NOT AGAIN.
- CAN'T I JUST KEEP
HER FOR A WHILE?
- MAYNARD, YOUR
SENTIMENTS DO YOU HONOR
BUT WE'VE GOT NO
RIGHT TO KEEP HER.
- YEAH, I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT'S ALWAYS LIKE THIS WITH ME.
AS SOON AS I, LIKE,
START TO LIKE SOMETHING,
THEY TAKE IT AWAY.
- MAYNARD.
- LIKE THAT FOX TERRIER I HAD.
WHENEVER I CAME HOME
HE'D GO, "RUFF-RUFF."
AND I'D SCRATCH HIS EARS
AND HE'D LICK MY HAND
BUT THEN HE RAN AWAY.
THEN I FOUND THIS DUCK.
HE GOT SO HE KNEW ME.
WHENEVER I CAME HOME,
HE'D GO, "QUACK-QUACK"
AND GO FLAPPING AROUND THE YARD
WAITING FOR ME TO FEED HIM.
- MAYNARD.
- BUT THEN I HAD
TO GIVE HIM AWAY
ON ACCOUNT OF HE LAID
EGGS IN THE NEIGHBOR'S YARD.
AND NOW I GOT THIS BABY
AND SHE KNOWS ME, TOO.
SHE EVEN BITES HER FINGER.
[SNEEZES]
- GOD BLESS YOU. SHE
EVEN BITES MY FINGER
AND GETS TO KNOW ME,
MAYBE KNOW MY NAME.
- MAYNARD.
- BUT I'M GONNA LOSE HER, TOO,
JUST LIKE I LOST MY
DOG AND MY DUCK.
NO MORE RUFF-RUFF. NO
MORE QUACK-QUACK. NO MORE...
- MAYNARD, STOP IT,
YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART.
- ZELDA, THIS IS INHUMAN,
CAN'T WE LET HIM KEEP HER
JUST FOR A LITTLE WHILE?
- WELL...
- OH, HI, KIDS.
- HI, DAD.
- WHAT YOU DOING THERE?
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING
TO HIDE, MAYNARD?
- NOTHING, MR. GILLIS.
- A BASKET FULL OF NOTHING.
- ONIONS! ONIONS
FOR THE DELIVERY.
- MAYNARD, COME BACK HERE.
- NOW, DAD.
- LISTEN, I KNOW YOU DON'T
GET ONIONS IN A CLOTHES BASKET.
- MR. GILLIS, WE HAVE TO HURRY.
- YES, I KNOW YOU
HAVE TO HURRY, SCOOT.
NO, I CAN'T SAY IT.
- HEY, DOBE, WHERE'S ZELDA?
- IN CLASS WITH EVERYBODY ELSE.
- OH.
- AND MAYNARD,
WHY ARE YOU WEARING
THAT KNAPSACK?
AND DON'T TELL ME.
- OH.
- HOW DO WE KNOW
SHE ISN'T A PAPOOSE?
- MAYNARD, WE'VE GOT TO
FIND A PLACE TO LEAVE HER
TILL WE DECIDE WHAT TO DO.
- WELL.
- IT'S...
MAYNARD, IT'S A CINCH
WE CAN'T LEAVE HER HERE.
- WHY DON'T WE TAKE
HER TO CLASS WITH US?
- MR. POMFRITT'S CLASS?
SURELY YOU JEST.
- WHY NOT?
WHO'D NOTICE ONE MORE
SLEEPING KID IN THAT CLASS?
- MAYNARD, IT'S OUT
OF THE QUESTION.
- WELL, DOBE?
- WELL, MAYNARD?
- I ASKED YOU FIRST.
- I'VE HEARD OF STARTING
KIDS IN SCHOOL EARLY
BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
- NOW, MY YOUNG BUNSEN BURNERS,
LET'S TURN TO THE STUDY
OF THE ELEMENT OF GOLD.
ZELDA GILROY, WHAT DO YOU
KNOW ABOUT THIS IMPORTANT METAL?
- WELL, ITS CHEMICAL
SYMBOL IS AU
AND ITS ATOMIC WEIGHT IS 197.2.
- VERY GOOD.
- CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.
IN WHAT FORM IS
GOLD USUALLY FOUND?
- IN THE FORM OF MONEY.
- WELL, YES, BUT IT DOES
APPEAR IN OTHER FORMS.
- HOW VULGAR.
- ALSO, HOW TRUE.
- I HAVE NO WISH TO QUESTION
YOUR AUTHORITY, MR. POMFRITT,
BUT I AM CONSIDERED
RATHER AN EXPERT
ON THE SUBJECT OF GOLD.
SEE, MY FAMILY INVENTED IT.
- MR. OSBORNE, YOU
DON'T SEEM TO BE AWARE
THAT THIS IS A
CLASS IN CHEMISTRY,
NOT A SEAT ON THE NEW
YORK STOCK EXCHANGE,
WHICH PROBABLY
ACCOUNTS FOR THE FACT
THAT YOU ARE NUMBER
ONE MAN ON OUR FLUNK LIST.
- EGAD, WHAT IF MUMSY
SHOULD FIND OUT?
- THE MIND TREMBLES.
- SHE'D PACK ME OFF
TO MILITARY SCHOOL
QUICKER THAN ONE CAN SAY
FEDERAL RESERVE BANK NOTE.
- WELL, WE CAN
ALWAYS HOPE, CAN'T WE?
BUT NOW, LET US MAKE THE LONG
RETURN JOURNEY TO SCIENCE.
GOLD IS A USEFUL
AND IMPORTANT METAL.
HOWEVER, THERE ARE
CERTAIN OTHER ELEMENTS
WHICH ARE SHIFTY,
DECEITFUL, UNSTABLE, TRICKY.
- YOU RANG?
- HI MR. POMFRITT, ARE WE LATE?
- FOR SPRING VACATION? NO.
FOR THIS CLASS, YES. NOW
WHAT'S IN THAT KNAPSACK?
- WHAT KNAPSACK?
- THE KNAPSACK
THAT'S GONNA TAKE YOU
RIGHT STRAIGHT TO
THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE
IF YOU DON'T SHAPE
UP AND TELL ME.
- OH, THAT KNAPSACK.
THAT'S MY LUNCH.
MY LUNCH. LUNCH.
- YOU'RE KIDDING.
- YES, LIKE, MY LUNCH,
TOO, MR. POMFRITT, SIR.
- WELL, MAYNARD, I'VE SEEN
YOU UNDER A FULL HEAD OF STEAM
IN THE SCHOOL CAFETERIA,
SO THAT I CAN BELIEVE.
- NOW, CLASS, IF YOU WILL
PLEASE TURN TO PAGE 208
IN YOUR TEXTBOOKS,
WE WILL PREPARE FOR
TODAY'S EXPERIMENT.
- NOW DON'T TELL ME YOU
COULDN'T FIND ANYPLACE ELSE
TO LEAVE THAT BABY.
- NO PLACE.
- SHE ASKED YOU NOT TO TELL HER.
- MAYNARD. ZELDA, WE
COULDN'T LEAVE HER HOME.
MY FOLKS WOULD FIND
HER IN TWO MINUTES.
- YEAH, WE DIDN'T HAVE A QUARTER
TO PUT HER IN ONE OF THEM
LOCKERS IN THE BUS STATION.
[BABY CRIES]
- WHAT WAS THAT?
- WHAT WAS WHAT?
[BABY CRIES]
- THAT.
- THAT WHAT?
- AND TO THINK I
TURNED DOWN A CHANCE
TO GO INTO AIR CONDITIONING.
- DOBIE, GET THAT
BABY OUT OF HERE,
YOU'VE GOT TO.
- GOOD THINKING.
- MAYBE WE COULD SNEAK
HER OUT THE WINDOW.
- GOOD THINKING.
- AND THEN WE COULD TAKE IT
OVER TO MAYNARD'S HOUSE.
- BAD THINKING.
- WHY NOT?
- I DON'T EXACTLY
UNDERSTAND IT, DOBE,
BUT EVER SINCE I WAS BORN
MY FATHER AIN'T TOO
CRAZY ABOUT BABIES.
- NO COMMENT.
- PLEASE, CHATSWORTH,
WE'RE TRYING TO WORK.
- OH, DO TELL.
[BABY COOS]
- THAT SOUND DIDN'T
COME FROM ANY OF YOU.
- SHH. SHH.
- MR. POMFRITT,
OH, MR. POMFRITT,
SOMETHING RATHER ODD
IS GOING ON AROUND HERE.
[BABY CRIES]
- I HEAR IT AGAIN.
- IT'S JUST A LITTLE EXPERIMENT
I'M WORKING ON, MR. POMFRITT.
- OH.
- NOT TOO CLOSE, IT'S
LIABLE TO EXPLODE.
- I'LL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF
THIS IF IT TAKES ME ALL SEMESTER.
- OH, MR. POMFRITT.
MR. POMFRITT, NOW LOOK.
MR. POMFRITT!
- MAYNARD!
[BELL RINGS]
- HEY. COME ON,
LET'S GO IN HERE.
- MAYNARD.
MAYNARD, NOW, LOOK,
WE GOT TO STOP SNEAKING
AROUND LIKE A BUNCH OF CRIMINALS.
YOU GOT TO DO SOMETHING
ABOUT THAT BABY.
- YEAH.
- LIKE, RIGHT, ZELDA,
YOU GOT TO DO
SOMETHING ABOUT THIS BABY.
- ME?
- OH, THANK YOU,
ZELDA, THANK YOU.
YOU'RE ALL HEART, LITTLE MOTHER.
- MAYNARD, CUT THAT
OUT. YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO'S GOING TO HAVE TO DO
SOMETHING ABOUT THE BABY.
- OH, I GOT IT. I'LL ADOPT HER.
- IMPOSSIBLE.
- ADOPTION'S ONLY
FOR MARRIED PEOPLE.
- THAT'S SILLY. SHE'S TOO
YOUNG TO GET MARRIED.
- MAYNARD, YOU'D
HAVE TO BE MARRIED.
- OH.
- OH, YEAH.
- ZELDA, WILL YOU...
- ABSOLUTELY NOT.
- I'LL POLISH MY SNEAKERS
AND EVERYTHING.
- UP, BOY, UP.
- YEAH, WHY YOU HATE ME,
ZELDA, I'M A HUMAN PERSON?
- OH, MAYNARD.
LOOK, I DON'T HATE...
- OH, I GOT IT.
DOBE, WHY DON'T YOU
AND ZELDA GET MARRIED?
THEN YOU TWO CAN...
- ABSOLUTELY NOT.
NO OFFENSE, ZELDA.
- SHE'S ALL BRAINS AND
MAYBE AFTER A WHILE
YOU GET USED TO HER.
- MAYNARD
- NOW LET'S NOT BE TOO
HASTY TO DUMP A GOOD IDEA.
- FINE, FINE, WE'RE CHILD
SMUGGLERS AND SHE'S WRINKLING.
- I GOT ANOTHER IDEA.
- I HOPE IT'S BETTER
THAN THE LAST ONE.
- WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE BABY
HOME WITH YOU, ZELDA?
- OH, NO, THERE ARE SIX GIRLS
IN MY FAMILY ALREADY
AND IF ONE MORE SHOWS UP
MY FATHER WILL PICK UP HIS
HAT AND FOREIGN LEGIONS-VILLE.
- WHAT IF ONE OF YOU
GIRLS GET MARRIED?
- WELL, NOW THAT'S
POSSIBLE. YOU SEE, MY SISTERS
ARE ALMOST AS ATTRACTIVE
AND DESIRABLE AS I AM,
SO IN THAT CASE - IN THAT CASE
WE BETTER FORGET IT.
I'LL JUST HAVE TO STAND UP
AND FIGHT TO KEEP
THIS BABY MYSELF.
- MAYNARD.
- AGAINST ANYBODY.
- MAYNARD.
- AGAINST EVERYBODY.
- MAYNARD.
- JUST LET SOMEBODY
TRY TO TAKE THIS BABY AWAY.
- MAYNARD.
MR. POMFRITT'S
HEADING DOWN THE HALL.
- I'LL STAND AND FIGHT...
MR. POMFRITT'S HEADED
DOWN THE HALL.
- YEAH.
- LIKE, BYE.
- LOOK, I DON'T
WANNA DO ANYTHING
TO HURT THE BABY, EITHER
BUT WE CAN'T HIDE HER
ANYMORE. IT'S TOO RISKY.
- YEAH, WE'LL JUST HAVE TO
TAKE HER TO THE POLICE STATION.
- POLICE?
- MAYNARD.
MAYNARD, BE REASONABLE
IT'S THE ONLY WAY.
- FIRST OF ALL, THEY
TOOK AWAY MY RUFF-RUFF.
THEN THEY TOOK
AWAY MY QUACK-QUACK.
NOW THEY'RE GONNA...
- MAYNARD, STOP THAT.
WE'RE ONLY DOING
WHAT WE HAVE TO DO.
- YEAH, WHY FIGHT IT. IT'S
BIGGER THAN BOTH OF US.
- IT'S BETTER THIS, DEAR,
SWEET, GENTLE MAYNARD.
- ALL RIGHT, BUT LET'S GET IT
OVER WITH QUICK AND PAINLESS.
GO GET THE POLICE. POLICE?
US TWO WILL WAIT HERE.
- COME ON, DOBIE.
- HELLO THERE,
BABY. YOU LIKE ME?
I LIKE YOU. OH, YOU'RE
A PRETTY LITTLE BABY.
YOU'RE, LIKE, PRETTIER
THAN MY DUCK.
YOU'RE, LIKE, PRETTIER
THAN MY FOX TERRIER, TOO.
YEAH, HE WAS SMARTER.
BUT YOU'RE, LIKE, PRETTIER.
- OH, HEY, YOURS IS CUTE.
- THANK YOU. HEY, SO IS YOURS.
- YEAH, 13 MONTHS OLD,
NAME'S GERALD.
- BOY OR A GIRL?
- BOY. GERALD TARANTINO.
- MINE'S KATRINA, THE
NOTE SAID SHE'S A YEAR OLD.
- NOTE, AREN'T YOU HER FATHER?
- NO, HER MOTHER.
- MINE KEPT ME
UP HALF THE NIGHT,
JUST WOULDN'T GO TO SLEEP.
- YEAH, WELL, MINE
SLEEPS LIKE A BABY.
[BABY COOS]
- THAT'S WONDERFUL.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE HER ON,
A SPECIAL DIET OR SOMETHING?
- NO, NOTHING SPECIAL.
JUST CHOCOLATE ICE
CREAM AND GINGER ALE.
- WHERE ARE YOUR CEREALS
AND YOUR STRAINED VEGETABLES?
- I DON'T EAT THEM,
WHY SHOULD SHE?
- WELL, YOU GOT A POINT.
GOT TO ADMIT SHE
LOOKS PRETTY GOOD.
[BABBLES]
- YEAH.
- DOBIE, I'M WORRIED.
MAYNARD IS SO
CRAZY ABOUT THAT KID
HE'S LIABLE TO DO
SOMETHING DESPERATE.
- NO, HE WOULDN'T
DO ANYTHING UNKIND.
MAYNARD DOESN'T KNOW THE
MEANING OF THE WORD UNKIND.
- THERE'S A LOT OF
WORDS THAT MAYNARD
DOESN'T KNOW THE MEANING
OF, INCLUDING KIDNAPPING.
- OH, ZELDA, MAYNARD WOULDN'T...
QUICK, BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE,
LET'S GET THAT BABY
TO THE POLICE STATION.
- SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.
- OH,
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN SHE CRIES?
- OH, I, LIKE, PAT HER
ON THE BACK LIKE THIS.
[SCATTING]
- THAT LOOKS PRETTY
GOOD. LET ME TRY THAT.
- OH.
[SCATTING]
NO, HERE. [SCATTING]
- NO, NO, LIKE THIS. HERE.
[SCATTING]
- [SCATTING]
- NO, YOUR HANDS ARE,
LIKE, IN THE RIGHT PLACE
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE THE
BEAT YET. TRY CHA-CHA-CHA.
- CHA-CHA-CHA.
- YEAH.
[SCATTING]
- LISTEN, YOU'VE REALLY
GOT A WAY WITH KIDS, MISTER.
- THANK YOU, MA'AM.
YOU KEEP PRACTICING.
YOU MIGHT GET IT, TOO.
- I SURE HOPE SO. I
GOT FIVE MORE AT HOME.
- OH, GREAT, YOU GOT, LIKE, A
LOT OF EQUIPMENT TO PRACTICE ON.
- I THINK I BETTER GO
HOME AND PRACTICE NOW.
[BABBLES]
- IN WE GO. SAY GOODBYE.
SEE YOU LATER.
- BYE, MRS. TARANTINO,
BYE, GERALD.
SAY GOODBYE TO GERALD, BABY.
- MAYNARD.
- OH, LIKE, HI, GOOD BUDDY.
YOU BACK ALREADY
WITH THE POLICE? POLICE?
- MAYNARD, I GOT TO
TELL YOU SOMETHING.
YOU'RE GONNA KEEP THAT BABY.
- DOBIE, ARE YOU
OUT OF YOUR MIND?
WE CAN'T KEEP THAT BABY.
WELL, I'M GOING TO THE
POLICE EVEN IF YOU...
- POLICE?
- ZELDA, LISTEN,
LET MAYNARD KEEP HER
JUST FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
- PLEASE, SMALL GIRL.
- ARE YOU MAD? THIS BABY
NEEDS A PROPER HOME.
- SURE, A PROPER HOME,
NOT A POLICE STATION,
NOT AN INSTITUTION.
- YEAH, CHIMNEYS, COAL
MINES AND OLIVER TWIST.
HOW CAN YOU BE SO
CRUEL AND ROTTEN?
- YEAH, CAN'T WE KEEP HER
WHILE WE LOOK FOR A GOOD HOME?
JUST FOR A LITTLE WHILE?
- PLEASE, ZELDA?
- WELL - YOU'RE ALL HEART, GIRL.
SO ARE YOU, KID. SAY,
LIKE, THANK YOU TO ZELDA.
[BABY CRIES]
- HEY, YOUR BABY WOKE UP, HUH?
- NOT MY BABY, MUST BE YOURS.
- MINE'S 18.
BOY, BOY, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
- YOU DON'T WANT TO GO UP THERE.
- OH, I DON'T?
- OF COURSE NOT,
IT'S DAMP UP THERE,
BAD FOR YOUR LUMBAGO.
- OH, UP THERE IT'S
DAMP. IT'S DAMP UP THERE?
IT IS 10 FEET HIGHER UP
THERE THAN IT IS DOWN HERE
BUT IT'S DAMP UP THERE?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT GETS
INTO YOU SOMETIMES, BOY,
BUT I DO KNOW THIS,
WHENEVER YOU COME UP
WITH A CRAZY STORY LIKE
THIS, YOU ARE UP TO SOMETHING.
NOW, OUT WITH IT. WHAT'S
GOING ON UP THERE?
- DON'T GIVE ME
THAT INNOCENT STUFF.
WHERE DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE GOING, MAYNARD?
- OH, WHAT A NICE
DAY, HUH, MR. GILLIS?
- IT IS GETTING READY TO RAIN
AND WHAT HAVE YOU
GOT IN THE BASKET?
- WHAT IF I TOLD YOU
IT WAS, LIKE, MY LUNCH?
- YEAH, WHAT IF YOU DID?
THERE'S SOMETHING VERY PECULIAR
GOING ON AROUND HERE AND I THINK
THERE'S AN EXPLANATION COMING.
- OKAY, LET'S HAVE IT.
- WELL, I WAS STANDING
AT THE COUNTER...
GIVE ME THAT BASKET.
- YOU'RE SCARING MAYNARD.
- AND VICE VERSA AND
HE ISN'T EVEN TRYING.
- REMEMBER ME?
I CAME BY FOR SOME OF
THAT CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM
AND GINGER ALE, THOUGHT
MAYBE I'D GET MY KIDS
TO SLEEP LIKE YOURS.
BOY, YOUR STORE IS A
LOT OF FUN, MR. GILLIS.
- IT'S EMPTY.
- LIKE, NATURALLY,
WHAT'D YOU EXPECT?
- I DON'T KNOW. SOMETHING
GOING ON AROUND HERE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT,
WHERE, WHEN, WHY
BUT I KNOW ONE THING, I
WAS STANDING RIGHT HERE
AT THE COUNTER
AND I SAID TO HER,
"I THINK YOUR BABY WOKE UP,"
SHE SAYS, "IT'S NOT MY BABY,"
AND I HEARD IT AGAIN
AND SO I TURNED AROUND
TO GO UPSTAIRS, SEE?
I WALKED OUT AND DOBIE
CAME BACK OUT HERE
- MAYNARD, WHERE'S THE
BABY? WHAT HAPPENED?
- SIMMER DOWN, GOOD BUDDY,
SOMEWHERE IN THAT STREET
THERE'S A BABY BUGGY
CARRYING A DOUBLE PAYLOAD.
I THINK MY BABY GOT
INTO YOUR BUGGY.
- OH, ARE YOU NUTS?
WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
NOW HOW DO YOU
SUPPOSE SHE GOT IN THERE?
- I DON'T KNOW,
THEY'RE PRETTY CLEVER.
LOOK HOW THEY STICK
THEIR TOES IN THEIR MOUTH.
- MAYNARD.
- OH, LISTEN,
LET'S MAKE A DECISION.
WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT?
- WELL, LET'S SEE.
- I'VE GOT A GREAT IDEA,
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE YOURS?
- YEAH, GOOD THINKING.
- GOOD THINKING, YEAH,
COME ON, MAYNARD.
[CRIES]
- OKAY, FELLAS, WE'LL SEE YOU.
- BYE-BYE.
- NOW JUST A MINUTE.
THAT'S ALL, MAYNARD,
THAT'S POSITIVELY ALL.
WE'RE GOING TO THE
POLICE RIGHT NOW.
- POLICE?
- SHE'S RIGHT, MAYNARD.
- NO, SIR, I'M NOT
GONNA GIVE UP THE BABY
TILL I'M SURE SHE'S GONNA
GET A BEAUTIFUL HOME
WITH LUXURY AND RICHES
AND WEALTH, ALL LIKE THAT.
- SWELL, WHO WOULD WE
FIND WITH A HOME LIKE THAT?
- HI HO, PLAYMATES,
ANYONE FOR POLO?
- NOW, GO AHEAD, CHATSWORTH,
TALK TO YOUR MOTHER
ABOUT TAKING THE BABY.
- WELL, NOT SO FAST NOW.
IT ISN'T THAT I
DISLIKE CHILDREN.
I WAS ONE MYSELF AT ONE TIME,
OR SO MY GOVERNESS TELLS ME.
BUT HERE, AT OSBORNE HOUSE?
CAVORTING IN THE FORMAL GARDENS?
WREAKING HAVOC WITH
THE LOUIS XIV DECOR?
- CHATSWORTH, IT PAINS ME
DEEPLY TO PUT IT ON THIS BASIS
BUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN
IF YOU FLUNK CHEMISTRY?
- NO, PERISH FORBID,
MUMSY WOULD PACK ME
OFF TO MILITARY SCHOOL
QUICKER THAN SHE COULD
FORECLOSE A MORTGAGE.
- YEAH, IN MILITARY SCHOOL
YOU'LL HAVE NO LITTLE
BLUE SPORTS CAR.
- NO PRIVATE TENNIS COURT.
- NO VALET.
- NO BUTLER.
- NO CHAUFFER.
- NO WARDEN.
- NO...
- JUST HOLDING UP MY
END OF THE CONVERSATION.
- THE PICTURE YOU PAINT IS
FRIGHTENING, FRIGHTENING.
WHAT SHALL I DO?
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
- CHATSWORTH,
THERE'S ONLY PERSON
WHO CAN GET YOU THROUGH
THE CHEMISTRY COURSE.
- WELL, WHO PRAY
TELL, WHO, WHO, WHO?
- HER, HER, HER.
NOW CUT THAT OUT!
- OF COURSE, ZELDA,
THE SMARTEST PUPIL
IN THE ENTIRE CLASS.
YOU'LL DO IT, DEAR GIRL,
YOU'LL SAVE ME, WON'T YOU?
- NO.
- NO.
- NO.
- BUT I COULDN'T BEAR TO LOSE
MY LITTLE BLUE SPORTS CAR
OR MY DOLLAR-SHAPED
SWIMMING POOL
OH, AND JUST SCADS OF
OTHER LITTLE NECESSITIES.
- SHE'LL DO IT ON ONE CONDITION.
- YOU MEAN?
- THAT'S RIGHT. THE BABY.
- VERY WELL, I'LL DO IT.
- WONDERFUL.
I COULD KISS YOU.
- I COULDN'T.
- NEVER MIND THAT.
NOW, THE BABY.
- YES, WELL, THIS
MAY TAKE SOME DOING.
MUMSY IS VERY PARTICULAR.
- WELL, IN THIS PLACE
SHE'D NEVER NOTICE
ANOTHER MOUTH TO FEED.
- YOU MUST HAVE
AT LEAST 50 ROOMS.
- ACTUALLY ONLY 47,
THREE WERE STOLEN.
- OH, GULP, HERE
COMES MUMSY NOW.
- OH, HOW I LONG FOR THE DAYS
WHEN SERVANTS WERE INDENTURED.
GOOD GRACIOUS,
THIS SERVANT PROBLEM
BECOMES MORE
UNBEARABLE EVERYDAY.
HOW I LONG FOR THE
DAYS OF SERFDOM.
OH, CHATSWORTH,
MUST YOU DO THAT,
YOU NASTY BOY?
- MUMSY, I ADORE YOU.
- OH, ROT.
THE ONLY TIME YOU EVER KISS
ME IS WHEN YOU WANT SOMETHING.
- WELL, AS A MATTER
OF FACT, THERE IS A...
- KISSING ME IS THE SUREST
WAY NOT TO GET IT. TREMBLAY?
- YES, MADAM?
- I DISCHARGED THE...
- EVA AND TOMAS.
EVA AND TOMAS A WEEK AGO.
WHY ARE THEY STILL
CLUTTERING UP THE GROUNDS?
- THEY'RE WAITING FOR
THEIR SALARY CHECKS, MADAM.
SOME NONSENSE ABOUT
NEEDING THE MONEY
TO BOOK PASSAGE BACK
TO THEIR HOMELAND.
- OH, DEAR, DIDN'T MY FINANCIAL
SECRETARY TAKE CARE OF THAT?
I'M GOING TO
DISCHARGE HIM AT ONCE.
- OH, YOU ALREADY DID, MADAM.
- I DID? WHO CAN KEEP TRACK
OF ALL THESE SECRETARIES?
- I CAN, MADAM, YOU
DISCHARGED FIVE LAST MONTH.
- WELL, IT WAS A SHORT MONTH.
MY CHECKBOOK, TREMBLAY.
YOU KNOW, IT SEEMS RATHER
A SHAME TO HAVE TO LET, EH...
- EVA AND TOMAS.
- EVA AND TOMAS GO.
THEY WERE REALLY
QUITE GOOD SERVANTS
EXCEPT FOR ONE NASTY HABIT.
- THEY DIDN'T WARM THE PLATES?
- OH, YES, THEY DID.
THEY WARMED THE PLATES
BUT THEY BROUGHT THEM
IN IN THEIR COLD HANDS.
- HOW GHASTLY.
- YES,
RATHER MAKES YOU WONDER
WHAT THE WORLD'S COMING TO.
OH, TREMBLAY, THIS
PEN'S WORN OUT.
CATCH MY PEACOCK
AND PULL ANOTHER TAIL FEATHER.
- YES, MADAM.
- MUMSY, DO YOU LIKE CHILDREN?
- I LOATHE CHILDREN.
AND THAT'S NOT REMARKABLE
CONSIDERING THE
EXPERIENCE I'VE HAD.
- MUMSY, HOW DROLL.
- OH, CHATSWORTH,
STOP THAT FAWNING. ALL RIGHT,
WHAT IS IT YOU WANT? COME ON.
- PERHAPS I SHOULD SHOW
YOU. PEOPLE, PEOPLE, HERE.
- HELLO, MRS. OSBORNE.
- HOW ARE YOU, MRS. OSBORNE?
- IF YOU PAT HER ON THE
BACK SHE STOPS CRYING.
- OH, CHATSWORTH, THROW
THESE WANDERING TROUBADOURS
CRUSTS OF BREAD
AND AWAY WITH THEM.
- MRS. OSBORNE, I, LIKE, MAYBE
I'M ONE OF THOSE WANDERING
WHAT YOU SAID BUT SHE ISN'T.
- GOOD GRACIOUS. IF MY MEMORY
SERVES ME
CORRECTLY, IT'S A BABY.
- THE NICEST BABY
IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
- EVEN NICER.
- I WILL NOT HAVE AN INFANT
CLUTTERING UP THESE GROUNDS.
- [BABY CRIES]
- GUARDS! GUARDS! GUARDS!
OUT OF HERE, YOU RAGAMUFFIN,
BEFORE I HAVE YOU THROWN...
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING TO THAT CHILD?
- HOLDING HER.
- OH, YOU NASTY
BOY. GIVE HER TO ME.
THERE, THERE, THERE, THERE.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NOW
YOU BE QUIET. QUIET, I SAY,
NOW, IT'S ALL THAT'S
NEEDED IS A FIRM HAND.
- HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO
KEEP HER, MRS. OSBORNE?
- YEAH, FOR JUST A LITTLE WHILE
TO KEEP HER OUT OF CHIMNEYS.
- OH, IT'S OUT OF THE QUESTION I
KNOW NOTHING ABOUT CHILDREN.
- SURE YOU DO. LOOK
AT CHATSWORTH.
- YES, LOOK AT HIM.
- I'M SORRY I BROUGHT IT UP.
- NO, I AM.
- MRS. OSBORNE,
WE HAVE TO FIND A
NICE HOME FOR THE BABY.
- AND YOU GOT MORE NICE HOME
THAN THE WHOLE
STATE OF CLEVELAND.
- IT'S OUT OF THE QUESTION.
- MUMSY, DESPITE THE
COMPANY SHE KEEPS
THE CHILD DOES DESERVE
A DECENT PLACE TO STAY.
- WHY, CHATSWORTH,
YOU SURPRISE ME.
WHY, YOU'RE A WARM-HEARTED BOY.
NASTY, BUT WARM-HEARTED.
- MADAM, IF YOU HAVE OUR
CHECKS WE'RE READY TO LEAVE NOW.
- WE WILL...
[GASPS]
KATRINA!
TOMAS, THIS IS
OUR BABY, KATRINA!
- STAND BACK! STAND BACK, I SAY.
EVA, TOMAS, IS THIS YOUR BABY?
- WE HAVE NO MORE JOB SO WE HAVE
TO GO BACK TO THE OLD COUNTRY.
- IT IS NOT GOOD AT
THE OLD COUNTRY.
NOT LIKE THIS BLESSED AMERICA.
SO WE DECIDED OUR
KATRINA MUST BE AN AMERICAN.
- IT WAS A HARD DECISION,
MADAM. WE LOVE OUR BABY.
- YES, TOMAS, WE LOVE
OUR BABY SO MUCH
THAT WE DIDN'T THINK
WELL. WE CANNOT LEAVE HER.
NO MATTER HOW BAD IT
WILL BE IN THE OLD COUNTRY,
IT'S OUR BABY AND
WE MUST KEEP HER.
- YOU'RE RIGHT. MADAM,
GIVE ME PLEASE THE BABY,
SHE GOES WITH HER
PARENTS WHO LOVE HER.
- STAND BACK, I SAY.
THIS CHILD STAYS HERE
AND SO DO YOU TWO.
- MADAM...
- STOP!
PLEASE, NO TEARS.
I'M VERY SENTIMENTAL.
- DOBE.
- I KNOW, MAYNARD,
I'M GETTING MISTY, TOO.
- MOVE OVER.
- MADAM, THAT'S YOUR 4,000
CARAT DIAMOND NECKLACE.
- OH, LAST YEAR'S.
- OH, BUT MUMSY, PLEASE.
- OH, BE QUIET, YOU NASTY
BOY. THIS CHILD HAS SPIRIT.
- NOW, MUMSY, I MUST
REALLY PROTEST THIS ONE...
- WILL YOU BE QUIET! AND
HOLD YOUR BABY SISTER.
- GOO-GOO? GOO?
- COME ON NOW, NOW WE MUST EAT.
THIS FOOD HAS BEEN ORDERED
WITH THE APPROVAL OF DR. SPOCK.
- COME ON.
OH, YOU DON'T WANT ANY MORE.
ALL RIGHT.
LULLABY TIME. GET GOING.
SOMETHING SOOTHING,
SHE'S READY FOR BED.
- ALL RIGHT, AN F
CHORD PLEASE, ZELDA.
[HUMS]
- ♪ LULLABY AND GOOD NIGHT ♪
♪ THOSE BLUE EYES CLOSE TIGHT ♪
♪ BRIGHT ANGELS ARE NEAR ♪
♪ SO SLEEP WITHOUT FEAR ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪