The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 2, Episode 29 - Dobie Plays Cupid - full transcript

- OH, NO! NO. NO, GOOD BUDDY.

DON'T MAKE ME GO IN
THERE, I'LL BE LIKE, MISERABLE.

- MAYNARD, YOU'LL HAVE FUN.
- ARE YOU JOSHING, MAN?

THERE'S GIRLS THERE.
HOW CAN I CAN HAVE FUN?

- MAYNARD, WHEN ARE
YOU GOING TO GET OVER

THIS RIDICULOUS FEAR OF GIRLS?

- I KEEP TRYING, GOOD BUDDY,

BUT EVERY TIME I
GET HERE ONE CHICK,

I GET, LIKE, AROUND A
HUNDRED GOOSEBUMPS.

- MAYNARD.
- WHEN I GET NEAR TWO CHICKS,

I GET, LIKE, AROUND
200 GOOSEBUMPS.



WHEN THERE'S THREE
OF THEM, I GET, LIKE,

AROUND 300 GOOSEBUMPS.

- AND WHEN THERE'S
MORE THAN THREE.

ALL THEM LITTLE GOOSEBUMPS

KIND OF MELT INTO ONE HUGE
BIG FAT GIANT-SIZED BLOB.

- MAYNARD.
- DID YOU EVER SEE

A 150-POUND GOOSEBUMP
IN AN ARMY UNIFORM?

- MAYNARD, ENOUGH! ENOUGH!
- WITH A BEARD?

- MAYNARD MAYNARD, LIKE, YOU'RE
NOT REALLY THAT SCARED OF GIRLS.

IT'S ALL IN YOUR MIND.

HERE, I'LL, I'LL
PROVE IT TO YOU.

HI ANGELA.
- OH, HI, DOBIE.

MY, DON'T YOU LOOK
HANDSOME IN YOUR SOLDIER SUIT.

- THANKS, ANGELA.



BUT IF YOU WANT TO MEET A REALLY
HANDSOME SOLDIER, COME WITH ME.

ANGELA, MAY I HAVE THE HONOR

TO PRESENT MY DEAR
FRIEND, MAYNARD G...

♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

[SCATTING] ♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

- WHEN MY FRIEND, MAYNARD
G. KREBS, WAS LITTLE,

HE WAS AFRAID OF LITTLE GIRLS.

BUT NOW THAT HE'S
BIG, I'M HAPPY TO REPORT

THAT HE'S NO LONGER AFRAID,

OF LITTLE GIRLS, THAT IS.

BUT WHEN I COMES TO BIG GIRLS?

- LIKE, GIRLS? LIKE, HELP.

- MAYNARD, COME DOWN FROM HERE.
- NO! NO! OOH!

- MAYNARD. MAYNARD, I'M SHOCKED.

HERE WE ARE IN
THIS BEAUTIFUL NEW

SERVICEMEN'S RECREATION
CENTER, AND YOU HIDE IN THE TREE.

DO YOU KNOW ALL THE
TROUBLE MRS. OSBORNE

WENT TO TO FIX THIS PLACE UP?

- MRS. CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, SR.?
- YES.

- MRS. CHATSWORTH OSBORNE,
SR. WITH ALL THAT MONEY,

RICHES, WEALTH, AND LOOT?
- YES.

- MRS. CHATSWORTH OSBORNE,
SR. WITH THE BIG WIDE HEELS

AND 58 ROOMS AND 48 BATHS?
- AND THE 15-FOOT BRICK WALL

WITH BROKEN GLASS
EMBEDDED ON THE TOP.

WHY AREN'T YOU
DANCING, YOU NASTY BOYS?

- WELL, YOU SEE...
- NO. I DON'T SEE AT ALL.

THIS FABULOUS RECREATION
CENTER HAS BEEN DONATED

BY A VERY GENEROUS,
VERY HIGH-MINDED,

VERY PATRIOTIC CITIZEN.

- YOU, MRS. OSBORNE?
- WHO ELSE?

FOR THE PURPOSE OF
GIVING YOU SERVICEMEN

ALL ON FURLOUGH A PLACE
TO ENJOY YOURSELVES,

AND BY GEORGE, YOU'RE
GONG TO ENJOY YOURSELVES.

NOW, YOU WILL FIND GIRLS,

YOU WILL DANCE, JOY
WILL REIGN SUPREME.

YOU WILL BE DIVINELY HAPPY.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

- YES, SIR, UH, MA'AM.

COME ON, MAYNARD, YOU
HEARD WHAT MRS. OSBORNE SAID.

- OH, PLEASE DOBE,
DON'T MAKE ME DO IT.

- LISTEN TO ME, MAYNARD.
DON'T YOU WANT TO MEET GIRLS

AND TALK TO THEM AND HOLD HANDS

AND GO DANCING WITH THEM
LIKE OTHER FELLOWS DO?

- SURE I DO, DOBE. MORE THAN
ANYTHING IN THIS WHOLE WORLD.

I GOT FEELINGS. I'M
LIKE A HUMAN PERSON.

- FINE HUMAN PERSON, MAYNARD.

- LIKE, TRUE, BUT
CHICKS DON'T DIG ME.

- WELL, YOU'RE NOT
GIVING THEM A CHANCE.

- IT DON'T DO NO GOOD.
WHEN I GIVE THEM A CHANCE,

THEY STEAL THE
POPCORN IN THE MOVIES,

THEY DRAW FUNNY PICTURES
OF ME IN THEIR NOTEBOOKS,

AND THEY GIGGLE ABOUT
ME IN THE POWDER ROOM.

- MAYNARD.
- SOMETIMES THEY KICK ME.

- MAYNARD, IT'S
ALL IN YOUR MIND.

- I DON'T THINK
SO, DOBE, MY SHINS

ARE ALL OVER BLACK
AND BLUE. LOOK.

- NO. NO, MAYNARD. I
MEAN, IT'S YOUR ATTITUDE.

THIS AWFUL FEAR THAT'S
CAUSING ALL THE TROUBLE,

AND WE'RE GOING TO DO
SOMETHING ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.

- WE'RE GOING TO KICK THEM BACK?
- NO. NO.

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A PLEASANT,
NORMAL, NO-PANIC CONVERSATION

WITH A GIRL.
- OH, NO. NO. NO. PLEASE, DOBE.

I I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO
SAY TO A CHICK. OH, NO.

YOU, YOU WORRY
TOO MUCH ABOUT IT.

JUST TALK ABOUT WHATEVER
COMES INTO YOUR HEAD,

THE WEATHER, HOBBIES, MOVIES,
WHAT YOU LIKE TO DO, LIKE THAT.

- WHAT I, LIKE, TO LIKE DO?
- RIGHT.

- I'D LIKE TO LIKE
CUT OUT OF HERE.

- MAYNARD, YOU'RE A
SOLDIER NOW, AN ADULT.

STOP ACTING LIKE A CHILD.

THE TIME HAS COME FOR
YOU TO FACE UP TO LIFE,

AND GIRLS ARE A PART OF THE
LIFE YOU'VE GOT TO FACE UP TO.

NOW COME ON, IT'S
FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

MAYNARD. ANGELA,

THIS IS THE SOLDIER I
WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT.

- OH, HE CAME OUT OF THE TREE.

- HE CAME OH, THE
SIGHT OF YOU, MY DEAR,

IT'S ENOUGH TO UNHINGE
THE STRONGEST OF US.

- YOU'RE SWEET.
- THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

AND SPEAKING OF SWEET SOLDIER,
MAY I PRESENT MAYNARD G. KREBS.

- PLEASED TO MEET YOU, MAYNARD.

- ANGELA, MAYNARD HAS
SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU.

DON'T YOU, MAYNARD?

- HOW'S THE WEATHER?
- WELL...

- GOT ANY HOBBIES?
- YES.

- SEEN ANY MOVIES LATELY?
- YES.

- WHAT DO YOU, LIKE, LIKE TO DO.

- SOMETIMES I LIKE...
- I DID LIKE YOU SAID, DOBE.

CAN I LIKE CUT OUT NOW?

- MY GOODNESS, HAS HE
ALWAYS BEEN SO AFRAID OF GIRLS?

- YEAH. LET ME PUT
IT TO YOU THIS WAY.

HE SPENDS SO MUCH TIME IN TREES

THAT EVERY WINTER
HE TRIES TO FLY SOUTH.

BUT HE'S MY FRIEND AND I'M GOING
TO CURE HIM ONCE AND FOR ALL.

MAYNARD... MAYNARD!

- LIKE, HELP!
- POOR MAYNARD, HE NEEDS HELP.

- LIKE, LIKE HELP! OOH!

BOY, DOES HE NEED HELP.

- LIKE ME, NEED HELP? NAH.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NAH?
- JUST NAH.

LIKE NO. LIKE NEGATIVE.
LIKE UNH-UH. LIKE NAH.

- MAYNARD STOP
AVOIDING THE ISSUE.

YOU NEED HELP BECAUSE
YOU'RE SCARED TO DEATH OF GIRLS.

- GOOD BUDDY,
YOU'RE NOT BEING FAIR.

SURE, I'M SCARED OF
SOME GIRLS, I ADMIT IT.

- NOT ALL GIRLS?
- OF COURSE NOT.

I'M A SENSITIVE HUMAN PERSON
WHO'S GOT LIKES AND DISLIKES

JUST LIKE ANY OTHER
SENSITIVE HUMAN PERSON.

- UH-HUH. MAYNARD...
- YOU SEE,

I HAVE WHAT YOU
CALL CULTURAL TASTE.

- UH-HUH.
- AND LIKE WHEN THE RIGHT GIRL

COMES ALONG, I WON'T EVEN
BE SCARED OF HER A LITTLE.

- UH-HUH. AND YOU'RE
NOT SCARED OF ALL GIRLS?

- LIKE, INDUBITABLY NOT.
- I SEE. UH-HUH.

HOW ABOUT THAT GIRL,

THE ONE ON THE RIGHT IN
THE PINK DRESS, MAYNARD?

- SHE'S, LIKE, TOO SHORT.
- UH-HUH.

AND THE GIRL SHE'S TALKING TO?
- SHE'S, LIKE TOO TALL.

- YEAH. HOW ABOUT
THAT GIRL, MAYNARD?

- I DON'T LIKE BIG BLONDES.
- UH-HUH.

HOW ABOUT THIS
GIRL COMING IN HERE.

- SAME GOES FOR BRUNETTES.
- UH-HUH. YEAH.

HOW ABOUT THAT
GIRL ON THE RIGHT,

THAT THAT ONE IN THE BLUE DRESS?

- LIKE DITTO FOR REDHEADS.
- UH-HUH.

MAYNARD, FORGIVE ME
FOR SAYING THIS, BUT...

- YOU'RE RIGHT, GOOD BUDDY.
- YEAH.

- I'M SCARED OF ALL GIRLS.
- SCARED OF ALL GIRLS.

BOY, YOU REALLY NEED HELP.

- THE ONLY WAY TO
HELP MAYNARD, BOY,

IS TO REARRANGE HIS WHOLE HEAD.

- DAD, MAYNARD'S PROBLEM
IS NOTHING TO POKE FUN AT.

- YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M SORRY.

- HE'S A FINE,
SENSITIVE HUMAN BEING.

BUT WHEN HE GETS NEAR A GIRL,
HE'S AFRAID OF HIS OWN SHADOW.

- NO OFFENSE, SON, BUT
YOU CAN'T BLAME HIM.

AFTER ALL, IT'S A
PRETTY SCARY SHADOW.

- IT'S ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL THAT
HE LEARN TO GET ALONG WITH GIRLS

SO HE CAN LEAD A NORMAL LIFE.

I MEAN, SOONER OR LATER,

HE'LL HAVE TO
MEET THE RIGHT GIRL

AND GET MARRIED AND SETTLE
DOWN AND HAVE CHILDREN OF HIS OWN.

- TRUE.
- NOW, STOP THAT, BOTH OF YOU.

MAYNARD'S NOT SO BAD.

WHY, TO HEAR YOU TALK
YOU'D THINK HE WAS HOPELESS,

BUMBLING, IMPOSSIBLE,

WASHED OUT.
- YOU RANG?

LIKE, HI MRS. G
AND MRS. G, DOBE G.

THAT'S YOU, GOOD BUDDY, DOBE G.
- I KNOW, MAYNARD. I KNOW.

- MAYNARD, DEAR, WE WERE
JUST TALKING ABOUT WHAT A HIT

YOU MADE WITH ALL THE
GIRLS AT THE PARTY LAST NIGHT.

- THEY TOOK ONE LOOK AT
ME AND RAN OFF LIKE BUNNIES.

- OH, NO, DEAR. THAT WAS YOUR
IMAGINATION. THEY LIKED YOU.

- LIKE A CASE OF CHICKEN POX.
- MAYNARD.

I'M A POOR SCHNOOK WHO'S,
LIKE, WORSE OFF THAN ANYBODY.

- MAYNARD.
- I'M LIKE, DOOM, DOOM, DOOM.

- HE'S RIGHT.

HE'S A POOR SCHNOOK WHO'S
WORSE OFF THAN ANYBODY.

- HI, GILLIS'S, WHAT'S THE SCAM?

HEY, DOBIE, DID YOU
GO OVER THE HILL?

- FUNNY, VERY FUNNY.

- MA SAYS I SHOULD GET A
DOZEN EGGS AND CHARGE THEM.

AND I WANT SOME BUBBLE GUM,

AND WHAT NEW MOVIE
MAGAZINES YOU GOT?

- HERE'S YOUR EGGS, NO MOVIE
MAGAZINES, NO BUBBLE GUM,

UNLESS YOU PAY FOR
THEM, AND GOODBYE, JENNY.

- GEE, WHAT A GROUCH.

I DIDN'T EVEN GET A KISS
FROM THE GENERAL. DOBIE!

- JENNY! NICE TO SEE YOU.

- HERE'S YOUR MOVIE
MAGAZINE, AND GO HOME.

- GIVE ME THE ONE WITH
GREGORY PECK ON THE COVER

AND I WON'T COME
BACK FOR A WEEK.

- OUT.
- TOSS IN MARLON BRANDO,

AND I'LL SPEND ALL NEXT MONTH

WITH MY GRANDMOTHER
IN CLEVELAND.

- YOU BRING A POWERFUL
TEMPTATION, GAL, BUT OUT.

- HEY, THEY LET
YOU KEEP THE BEARD.

LET ME FEEL IT.

- LIKE, HI, JENNY.
LIKE, BYE, JENNY.

- OH, WHAT A POWER I'VE GOT.

I DRIVE MEN MAD WITH MY
EXOTIC FEMININE CHARM.

HEY, GET ME, MARILYN MONROE.

- SOMEBODY OUGHT TO
GET HER WITH A PADDLE.

- WHAT A PITY.

THE POOR BOY DOESN'T HAVE
AN OUNCE OF CONFIDENCE.

- YEAH. I WISH THERE WAS
SOMEBODY WHO COULD HELP HIM.

- SOMEBODY, LIKE A GOOD
PSYCHOLOGIST MAYBE.

- SOMEBODY, LIKE A
GOOD BARBER MAYBE.

- NO, SIR. SOMEBODY LIKE US.

WE'RE HIS FRIENDS, AREN'T WE?
- WE CERTAINLY ARE.

- DON'T AGREE SO QUICK.
- NOW, HERBERT, SHAME ON YOU.

YOU KNOW YOU LOVE MAYNARD.
- LOVE MAYNARD?

- LOVE HIM.
- I GUESS I MUST,

OR I'D HAVE BARRED THE
DOOR ON HIM YEARS AGO.

- THERE, YOU SEE?
- SURE DAD, WE ALL LOVE HIM.

NOW, LET'S FIGURE OUT
SOME WAY TO HELP HIM.

- RIGHT. NOW, I ALWAYS SAY THAT
THE BEST WAY TO SOLVE A PROBLEM

IS TO START AT THE BEGINNING,

SO LET'S START AT THE
BEGINNING WITH MAYNARD.

- UH-HUH.
- FIRST, LET'S ASK OURSELVES,

WHAT IS WRONG WITH MAYNARD,
AND I WITHDRAW THE QUESTION.

- LISTEN. THERE'S
NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM

THAT A GIRL COULDN'T CURE.

IF A GIRL JUST SHOWED ONE
SPARK OF INTEREST IN HIM,

HE'D BE A NEW MAN ALL TOGETHER.

- BOY, YOU SEEM TO THINK

THAT THE ANSWER TO
EVERYTHING IS GIRLS.

- WELL, AREN'T THEY?
I MEAN, TAKE YOU.

WHERE WOULD YOU HAVE
BEEN IN YOU HADN'T FOUND MOM?

- OH, LIKE, LOST BOY, LOST.

BEFORE I MET YOUR MOTHER,

THERE I WAS A POOR,
PITIFUL, PATHETIC BACHELOR

WITH MY POCKETS FULL OF MONEY,

NO OBLIGATIONS,
NO RESPONSIBILITIES,

FOOTLOOSE AND FANCY FREE.
KIND OF BREAKS YOUR HEART,

DON'T IT?
- NOW, HERBERT.

- AND THEN ALONG
CAME YOUR MOTHER

AND RESCUED ME FROM
THIS HORRIBLE CONDITION

AND LOOK AT ME TODAY,

OBLIGATIONS, RESPONSIBILITIES,

BILLS, MORTGAGES,
SORE BACK, SORE FEET.

- SORE HEAD.

- AH, COME ON, WINNIE.
YOU KNOW I'M ONLY KIDDING.

- WELL, I KNOW, BUT DOES DOBIE?

AND AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I'M NOT SO SURE MYSELF.

- WINNIE, I WOULDN'T GIVE UP
ONE MINUTE OF OUR LIFE TOGETHER

FOR ANYTHING IN THE WORLD.

OH, IT'S GREAT NOT TO
HAVE ANY RESPONSIBILITIES

AND JUST THINK OF YOURSELVES.

IT'S GREAT WHEN
YOU'RE YOUNG THAT IS.

BUT WHEN THE YEARS
START CATCHING UP WITH YOU,

IT CAN BE THE MOST
HORRIBLE THING

THAT COULD HAPPEN TO A MAN,

LIVING BY HIMSELF
AND FOR HIMSELF,

AND WORST OF ALL,
SON, WITH HIMSELF.

REMEMBER THAT, DOB.

- I KNOW IT, DAD, AND
THAT'S ALL THE MORE REASON

WHY WE'VE GOT TO HELP
MAYNARD FIND A GIRL.

- WELL, FORGIVE ME, DEAR, BUT
WHERE WILL WE FIND SUCH A GIRL?

- WELL, FORGIVE ME, DEAR,

BUT NO PLACE, UNLESS,
OF COURSE YOU BRIBE THEM

OR BEAT THEM OVER THE
HEAD WITH A BLUNT INSTRUMENT,

AND YOU CAN'T GO AROUND BEATING
GIRLS OVER THE HEAD WITH A...

HEY, WHY NOT?
- HERBERT!

- OH, I DON'T MEAN BEAT
THEM OVER THE HEAD,

I MEAN, BRIBE THEM, YOU KNOW,

CON A COUPLE OF GIRLS INTO
MAKING A PLAY FOR MAYNARD,

AND I KNOW ONE WE CAN BRIBE

WITH A COUPLE OF
STICKS OF BUBBLE GUM

AND A PICTURE OF GREGORY PECK.

- WHY, WE COULDN'T
DO A THING LIKE THAT.

- SURE WE COULD.

- SURE WE COULD.

- WHY, WE'D BE LOW DOWN,
UNPRINCIPLED, DISHONEST SNEAKS.

AND WHY ARE WE
JUST STANDING HERE,

WE GOTTA FIND THOSE GIRLS.

- HELP A FINE,
SENSITIVE HUMAN BEING?

OH, I WOULD CONSIDER IT A
GREAT HONOR. WHO IS HE?

- MY FRIEND MAYNARD.

AT THE PARTY, HE WAS
THE ONE UP IN THE TREE.

- THANKS PAL, THANKS A BUNDLE.
- OH, PLEASE, ANGELA.

PLEASE JUST PLAY
UP TO HIM FOR A WHILE.

MAKE HIM THINK HE'S GOT
AT LEAST A LITTLE SEX APPEAL.

- SURELY YOU JEST.
- IT'D BUILD UP

HIS CONFIDENCE TERRIFICALLY
IF HE THOUGHT GIRLS LIKED HIM.

- HOW CAN GIRLS LIKE HIM?
THEY CAN'T EVEN TELL WHAT HE IS.

- YOU CAN HELP TO SAVE HIM

FROM A LONELY, MISERABLE LIFE.
- NO.

- YOU CAN MAKE A MAN OUT OF
A PITIABLE, PATHETIC CREATURE.

- ABSOLUTELY NOT.
- IMAGINE

HOW IT'D STRENGTHEN HIS EGO

IF YOU SHOWED AN INTEREST
IN HIM, ANGELA. FOR YOU...

POSITIVELY...
- YOU ARE LOVELIEST OF WOMEN.

NO. OH?

- HE'D BE SITTING ON
TOP OF THE WORLD

IF HE THOUGHT
HE'D IMPRESSED YOU,

THE FAIREST OF THEM ALL.
- WELL...

- NO. NO. NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I SHOULDN'T ASK HELP FOR
THIS UNFORTUNATE SOUL

FROM SOMEONE AS
BEAUTIFUL AND EXQUISITE

AND DESIRABLE AS YOU.
- WHEN DO I START?

- WHEN DO I START?

- AS SOON AS I CAN TIE HIM DOWN
LONG ENOUGH SO YOU CAN START.

- MR. GILLIS, YOU GIVE ME

A MONTH SUPPLY OF MOVIE
MAGAZINES AND BUBBLE GUM,

HE'S GONNA THINK HE'S
MONTGOMERY CLIFT.

- LET'S NOT OVERDO IT, HUH?

WE JUST WANT HIM TO FEEL

THAT HE AIN'T COMPLETELY
REPULSIVE TO GIRLS.

- THROW IN A MONTH
SUPPLY OF ICE CREAM,

AND IT'LL BE BYE BYE CARY GRANT,

HI HO, MAYNARD. [WHISTLES]

- MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE
GOTTEN AN OLDER GIRL.

- DON'T WORRY YOUR LITTLE
POINTED HEAD, MR. GILLIS.

I'M EXTREMELY MATURE FOR MY AGE.

MY MOTHER'S
PSYCHIATRIST SAYS SO.

- LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY,
YOU'RE THE BEST I COULD DO

FOR BUBBLEGUM AND
A MOVIE MAGAZINE.

- YOU'LL NEVER REGRET THIS
HIGH-LEVEL DECISION, MR. GILLIS.

I MEAN, WHEN IT COMES
TO GETTING CRUSHES,

I GET THEM IN BIG GOBS.

MAN, I WAS GONE ON TONY PERKINS

FOR A ROOTIN' TOOTIN'
SIX MONTHS. WOWIE.

FOR ROCK HUDSON I
WAS OFF MY ROCKER

FOR A YEAR AND A HALF.

- AFTER ALL THAT,
HOW YOU GONNA SETTLE

FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS
WITH MAYNARD G. KREBS?

- I'LL KEEP MY EYES SHUT.

- YEAH. I'LL KEEP MY
FINGERS CROSSED.

OH, WHO KNOWS? MAYBE
IT'S THE BEST THING

THAT COULD HAPPEN TO
THE BEARD THAT WALKS.

[BUBBLE POPS]

- I MAY BE YOUNG, BUT I GOT A
HEART THAT'S LOUSY WITH LOVE.

- HEY, YOU'RE, LIKE BEAUTIFUL.

YOU'RE LIKE THE MOST
BEAUTIFULEST THING I EVER SAW.

OH, I LIKE BIG DOGS, LITTLE DOG,

AND THEY DIG ME,
BETTER THAN CHICKS DO.

I MEAN, I MEAN I'M GONNA
SPEND MY WHOLE LIFE

WITH DOGS AND CATS
AND ANIMALS AND BIRDS,

BECAUSE ME AND CHICKS
WE JUST DON'T HIT IT OFF.

I WISH WE DID, BECAUSE
I'D LIKE TO GET ME A GIRL

LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE, AND
BE AN ORDINARY HUMAN FELLOW,

BUT GIRLS TAKE ONE LOOK AT ME

AND ALL THEY SAY IS [GASP]

- [GASP]

- WHAT'D I TELL YOU?
- HELLO THERE.

- LIKE, BYE.

- OH, YES, YOU'RE
A FRIEND OF DOBIE.

- DOBIE WHO?
- DOBIE GILLIS.

- DOBIE GILLIS WHO?
- AT THE PARTY LAST NIGHT.

I NOTICED YOU RIGHT AWAY.
OH, HOW I NOTICED YOU.

SAY, DOLL FACE, DID
ANYONE EVER CALL YOU CUTE?

- ME?

- WELL, YOU'RE SO
DIFFERENT, SO UNUSUAL.

- THAT THEY'VE CALLED ME.

- YOU DON'T ALREADY GO STEADY
WITH SOME LUCKY GIRL, DO YOU?

I'LL SCRATCH HER EYES OUT.

- ME GO STEADY? I HAVE
TROUBLE GETTING A GIRL

TO CROSS THE STREET WITH ME.
- OH, YOU MUST BE KIDDING.

YOU'RE A VERY ATTRACTIVE MAN.

THAT BEARD, THOSE EYEBROWS,

IT'S FASCINATING THE WAY THEY
GO UP AND DOWN, UP OH, IT'S MAGIC.

- NO, IT'S A TWITCH.
- FASCINATING.

- I GET IT WHEN I'M JUMPY.
- DIVINE.

- WHEN I'M LIKE REAL JUMPY,
MY LEFT KNEECAP RATTLES.

- OH, I NEVER MET
A MAN LIKE YOU,

SO FASCINATING AND MYSTERIOUS.

- YOU GET THAT MESSAGE
FROM TWITCHING EYEBROWS?

- A WOMAN HAS AN
INSTINCT FOR THESE THINGS.

MY NAME IS ANGELA CRITTENDEN.
WOULD YOU LIKE MY PHONE NUMBER?

- MY NAME IS MAYNARD G. KREBS,

AND, LIKE, NO THANKS, I
ALREADY GOT A PHONE NUMBER.

- AREN'T YOU ADORABLE.

OH, YES, WELL, HERE'S MY NUMBER.

NOW BE SURE TO CALL ME
REAL SOON.
- ME?

- OH, YOU ARE
NERVOUS, AREN'T YOU?

- IS MY LEFT KNEECAP RATTLING?
- NO.

YOU JUST ATE MY PHONE NUMBER.

- LIKE, THANKS. IT
WAS, LIKE, DELICIOUS.

- REALLY?
- UH-HUH.

- HERE. NOW CALL
ME. NO. NO. HERE.

NOW CALL ME, YOU HEAR?
- ME?

- OH, I INSIST.

I COULD LOOK AT THOSE
EYEBROWS FOREVER.

TWITCH THEM AGAIN, WOULD YOU?
- OH.

- JUST ONCE, PLEASE?
- OH.

- FOR ANGELA? PLEASE?
PRETTY PLEASE?

- OH, VERY WELL.
- OH!

ONCE MORE.

OH, I BETTER GO.

THAT'S ALL A GIRL
CAN TAKE IN ONE DAY.

BYE BYE. FASCINATING
EYEBROWS. OH!

- FASCINATING EYEBROWS? HEY DOG?

- PRETTY GOOD, HUH?

I MEAN, MAYNARD'S
SELF CONFIDENCE

WAS INCREASING BY
LEAPS AND BOUNDS,

BUT HE STILL HAD A LARGE
LEAP AND A BIG BOUND TO GO.

- LOVER, COME BACK.
YOU'RE THE WILDEST THING

I'VE LAID EYES ON SINCE I
GAVE UP MARLON BRANDO.

- WHAT ARE YOU,
SOME KIND OF A NUT?

- ONLY OVER YOU, DREAMBOAT.

- WHERE'S MR. GILLIS?
- OUT ON AN ERRAND.

I'M KEEPING AN EYE ON THE STORE.

- LIKE, OH.
- I'M ALSO KEEPING AN EYE

ON YOU.
- LIKE, OH.

- COOL CAT,

HAS ANYBODY EVER
TOLD YOU YOU'RE CUTE?

- UNTIL TODAY I
WAS FUNNY LOOKING.

- YOU'RE ADORABLE.

- THAT'S WHAT THEY KEEP TELLING
ME, EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR.

- YOU GOT THAT
CERTAIN FASCINATION,

KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
YOU'RE TOO MUCH.

- YOU WOULDN'T KID
ME, WOULD YOU KID?

- I'M WIG FOR YOU, BABY.

- YOU SURE YOU
AIN'T MIXING ME UP

WITH SOME KIND
OF RICH MILLIONAIRE,

OR MILLIONAIRE, OR MOVIE STAR,
OR ORIENTAL PRINCE OR LIKE THAT?

- NOPE. I KNOW YOU
ARE MAYNARD G. KREBS,

SOLDIER, HIP CHARACTER,
AND ALL MAN. RUFF!

- THEN IT MUST BE TRUE.
IT'S THESE EYEBROWS.

- YOU GOT AN ITCH OR
SOMETHING, LOVER BOY.

- KIND OF GETS YOU DON'T IT.
- RIGHT HERE.

- THAT'S ALL YOU'RE
GONNA GET TODAY,

BECAUSE IT'S LIKE
AWFUL RICH AND A PERSON

CAN'T TAKE TOO
MUCH IN ONE HELPING.

- AH, BABY.
- BEAT IT, HUH, KID?

I GOT NO TIME FOR YOU, NOW.
- NOW, HOLD ON, WALDO.

- GET ME A COUPLE OF YEARS

AND MAYBE I'LL GIVE
YOU A TUMBLE THEN.

LIKE, GET THEE AWAY,
CHILD. GO, SMALL GIRL.

IT'S LIKE VERY UNHEALTHFUL

TO STAND THERE
EATING YOUR HEART OUT.

- HOLY MOLY.

- HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYONE

AS CONFIDENT WITH
GIRLS AS MAYNARD?

EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM
JUST OOZED ASSURANCE.

HIS EYES, HIS SMILE, HIS MANNER,

AND IF YOU PEEKED
UNDER HIS BEARD,

I BET HIS CHIN LOOKED
CONFIDENT TOO.

BUT THE ACID TEST
WAS STILL AHEAD.

HE BEHAVED FINE WITH
THE GIRLS WERE RIGGED,

BUT WHAT WOULD HAPPEN
WHEN HE RAN INTO GIRLS

WHO WEREN'T COACHED TO TREAT
HIM LIKE HE WAS ELVIS PRESLEY?

THAT'S WHAT I HAD TO FIND OUT.

I HAD TO GET HIM
TO ANOTHER DANCE

AT THE SERVICEMEN'S
RECREATION CENTER.

BUT I JUST COULDN'T
GO UP AND ASK HIM,

I HAD TO KIND OF KIND
OF TRICK HIM INTO IT,

SUBTLE LIKE, VERY, VERY SUBTLE.

- HEY, DOBE. DOBE.
- OH, HI, MAYNARD.

- HI, GOOD BUDDY.
- HI. HI.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU FEEL
LIKE DOING TONIGHT, MAYNARD?

- I DON'T KNOW, DOBE. WHAT
DO YOU FEEL LIKE DOING?

- I DON'T KNOW, MAYNARD.
WHAT DO YOU FEEL LIKE DOING?

- I DON'T KNOW, DOBE. WHAT
DO YOU FEEL LIKE DOING?

- I DON'T KNOW, MAYNARD.
WHAT DO YOU FEEL LIKE DOING?

- I DON'T KNOW, DOBE.
- HEY!

HEY, I JUST THOUGHT
OF SOMETHING.

DO YOU FEEL LIKE GOING DOWN
TO PETE'S PANCAKE PALACE

AND WATCHING THE GUY IN
THE WINDOW FLIP PANCAKES?

- I DON'T CARE, DOBE.
YOU FEEL LIKE IT?

- SURE.
- OKAY.

- OKAY. OR WOULD YOU RATHER
GO DOWN TO THE RAILROAD YARDS

AND WATCH THEM
FILL THE COAL CARS.

- I DON'T CARE, DOBE.
YOU FEEL LIKE IT?

- SURE.
- OKAY.

- OKAY. OKAY. OR, WOULD YOU
RATHER GO DOWN TO THE STOCKYARDS

AND WATCH THEM DIP SOME SHEEP?

- I DON'T CARE, DOBE.
WHATEVER YOU FEEL LIKE.

- I DON'T CARE, MAYNARD.
WHATEVER YOU FEEL LIKE.

- I DON'T CARE, DOBE.
WHATEVER YOU FEEL LIKE.

- OKAY. OKAY. OKAY. HEY,
I JUST GOT ANOTHER IDEA.

DO YOU FEEL LIKE...
- DOBE. DOBE.

IF IT'S ALL THE SAME TO YOU,
I'D LIKE TO GO TO THE DANCE

AT THE SERVICEMEN'S
RECREATION CENTER.

- SO THE BATTLE
LINES WERE DRAWN.

IT WAS MAYNARD G. KREBS
VERSUS THE WOMEN OF THE WORLD,

AND MAY THE BETTER
MAN UH, CONTESTANT,

EMERGE VICTORIOUS.

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

[SLAPPING]

- YOU NASTY CHILDREN!
DON'T YOU KNOW YOU'RE HERE

TO ENJOY YOURSELVES?

NOW, GO ON, LET REVELRY

CONTINUE UNABATED, AND DANCE.

- REMEMBER MAYNARD, THERE'S
NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF,

AND I'M HERE WITH YOU.
- YOU'RE ALL HEART, SIR.

- YOU GOTTA EXPECT YOU'LL
BE A LITTLE BASHFUL AT FIRST,

JUST TAKE IT EASY.
- LIKE, RIGHT.

HEY, WHERE YOU
BEEN ALL MY LIFE, BABY?

- MAYNARD!

- HEY, THESE EYEBROWS
REALLY GET YOU, HUH, DOLL FACE?

MAKE YOU BLOOD RUN HOT, HUH?

- MAYNARD!
- OH, YOU'RE NEXT, LAMB CHOP.

- MAYNARD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- LET ME GO OR I'LL SCREAM!

- THAT'S THE WAY THESE
EYEBROWS AFFECT THEM.

THEY SCREAM WITH DELIGHT.
- MAYNARD.

- MAYNARD, NO. NO!
- DON'T BE JEALOUS, DOBE.

I'LL GIVE HER BACK TO YOU
AS SOON AS I'M THROUGH.

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

- STOP IT, I SAY.

MS. CHATSWORTH
OSBORNE, SR. IS HERE.

- NO OFFENSE, MRS.
OSBORNE, HONEY,

BUT YOU HAVE TO FIND
YOUR OWN FELLOW.

I'M SPOKEN FOR.
- WELL, I NEVER.

- WELL, I NEVER DID EITHER,

BUT THAT'S THE WAY
THE COOKIE CRUMBLES.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I GOT SOME GIRLS WAITING.

- ONE MOMENT.
- OH, VERY WELL.

ONE MOMENT, BUT ONLY ONE.

ONE DANCE TO BRING THE ROSES
BACK TO THOSE FADED CHEEKS.

COME MY OLD TIGER
WHILE STILL THERE IS TIME.

- MAYNARD, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

HAVE YOU FLIPPED
YOUR WIG OR WHAT?

- IT'S THESE EYEBROWS.
- MAYNARD...

- AND THE SEX APPEAL.
- MAYNARD...

- I'M LIKE APPEALING
TO WOMEN OF ALL AGES.

- HEY, MAYNARD, THERE'S
SOMETHING YOU OUGHT TO KNOW.

- JUST ONE MOMENT, DOBE. GIRLS.

THAT'LL LIKE HAVE TO
HOLD YOU FOR A WHILE.

SO WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, DOBE?

- I DON'T KNOW QUITE KNOW
HOW TO TELL YOU THIS, MAYNARD,

BUT THE EYEBROWS,
THE SEX APPEAL,

THE FASCINATING PERSONALITY...

- I DON'T REALLY HAVE THEM.
- RIGHT.

YOU DON'T REALLY... YOU KNOW?

- LIKE, SURE. I FIGURED IT OUT.

THEM CHICKS DIDN'T GO FOR ME

BECAUSE ALL OF A SUDDEN I TURNED
INTO A HANDSOME CASABLANCA.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S CASANOVA,

AND I ONLY DID IT TO HELP YOU
GET SOME CONFIDENCE WITH GIRLS.

- DOBE, YOU'RE MY GOOD
BUDDY, MY BEST BUDDY.

AND I APPRECIATE
IT FROM THE HEART,

BUT I DON'T WANT IT.
THE CONFIDENCE THAT IT.

I HOPPED AROUND HERE
LIKE RUPERT VON LOVER

JUST TO SHOW YOU OUGHT NOT
TO PLAY TRICKS LIKE THAT ON ME.

I MEAN, I OUGHT TO
FLUNK IN CONFIDENCE

LIKE I DO IN ALL THEM
OTHER COURSES.

- BUT MAYNARD, YOU GOTTA LEARN
HOW TO GET ALONG WITH GIRLS.

- LIKE YOU DO?
- LIKE I DO.

- NO OFFENSE,
DOBE, BUT I AIN'T YOU.

I'M A DIFFERENT PERSON.
I GOT A BEARD, SEE?

AND I ALSO GOT CERTAIN
IDEAS ABOUT GIRLS.

- LIKE WHAT?
- LIKE I DON'T WANT ANY.

- BUT WHY NOT? THEY'RE THEY'RE
SWEET AND SOFT AND FRIENDLY.

- THEY'RE ALSO TIDY,
RESPECTABLE, AND DETERMINED,

AND I DON'T THINK
THEY'RE VERY HAPPY

WHEN ALL A GUY LIKES TO DO IS
HACK AROUND, SIT ON THE FLOOR

AND LISTEN TO JAZZ,
AND GROW A BEARD.

- MAYNARD, IS A BEARD MORE
IMPORTANT TO YOU THAN A GIRL?

- WELL, IT'S NOT A
QUESTION OF A BEARD,

IT'S A QUESTION OF I'M AN
INDIVIDUAL HUMAN PERSON,

AND IF ALL THEM OTHER
INDIVIDUAL HUMAN PERSONS

WANT TO SHAVE OFF THEIR BEARDS

AND GET TRAPPED BY SOME
CHICK AND GET MARRIED

AND LIVE IN A SPLIT-LEVEL HOUSE

WITH A WASHER AND
AUTOMATIC DRYER

AND A PTA AND A BRIDGE
CLUB TWO NIGHTS A WEEK

AND TROUBLE WITH THE
SPRINKLING SYSTEMS,

WELL, THAT'S THEIR BUSINESS.

ME? IT AIN'T FOR.
I'M A PROTEST CAT.

- WELL, YOU'VE GOT
A POINT, MAYNARD,

BUT WHAT ARE YOU REALLY
PROTESTING AGAINST?

- I DON'T KNOW, DOBE,

BUT NO CHICKS GONNA RUSH ME
INTO ANYTHING UNTIL I FOUND OUT.

- YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT
ANYMORE, THE GAME'S OVER.

- OH, I DID THAT
BECAUSE I WANTED TO.

I ADMIRE A FELLOW WHO STICKS
UP FOR WHAT HE BELIEVES.

HE'S A MAN. MAYNARD, NOW
YOU REALLY APPEAL TO ME.

- DOBE, LIKE, HELP.

- THE WORLD IS FULL OF GOOD
LOOKING, SOFT HEADED FELLOWS

WHO LET GIRLS PUSH THEM AROUND,

BUT AN INDIVIDUAL
LIKE YOU, MAYNARD,

IT'S A CHALLENGE.

- STAND BACK, GIRL,
STAND BACK, I SAY.

- GEE, LIKE, THANKS, MRS. O.
YOU'RE LIKE A REAL HUMAN BEING.

SAVE ME. SAVE ME.

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

- BRAVO MAYNARD, BRAVO.

I ADMIRE YOUR SPUNK, BOY.

MY HUSBAND,
HEAVEN REST HIS SOUL,

HE WAS LIKE YOU, FIERY,
DETERMINED, NASTY.

OH, I'M TELLING YOU,

BREAKING HIS SPIRIT WAS
A GAME WORTH THE CANDLE.

YOU GIRLS, DON'T YOU DISMISS
THIS RAGAMUFFIN TOO READILY.

I KNOW HE LOOKS
LIKE A DISASTER AREA,

BUT UNDERNEATH
THAT SHABBY EXTERIOR,

THERE IS AN OUTLAW
HARD TO BE TAMED.

- GEE, I'M GETTING,
LIKE, ALL MISTY.

- I WISH I WERE 30
20 YEARS YOUNGER.

- WE BETTER HURRY, MAYNARD,

THE BUS FOR CAMP
LEAVES IN 20 MINUTES.

MAYNARD!
- LET GO, LET GO.

- DON'T FIGHT IT, HOT LIPS.

IT'S BIGGER THAN BOTH OF US.
- ZOOM OFF.

I AIN'T GOT NO BUBBLEGUM
OR FREE MAGAZINES.

- OH, WHO NEEDS THEM?

SURE, THEY BRIBED ME
TO MAKE A PLAY FOR YOU,

BUT NOW YOU'RE STARTING
TO LOOK DIFFERENT TO ME.

I MEAN, BUSTER, YOU
GOT SOMETHING INSIDE.

- HUH?

- IN A COUPLE OF YEARS

WHEN I FILL OUT AND TURN INTO A
VOLUPTUOUS FASCINATING WOMAN,

YOU BETTER CALL ME, SEE?

- ME?
- YOU,

YOU MAD, MAD, MAD,
IMPETUOUS FOOL.

- NO OFFENSE, MAYNARD,

BUT THAT EYEBROW
TWITCHING'S A WASTE OF TIME.

- DON'T BE TOO SURE, GOOD
BUDDY. DON'T BE TOO SURE.

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪

♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪