The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 2, Episode 23 - I Didn't Raise My Boy to Be a Soldier, Sailor or Marine - full transcript

Dobie and Maynard join the Army along with Chatsworth - by mistake of course.

- YOU SEE BEFORE YOU
A VANISHING CIVILIAN.

IN A FEW SHORT HOURS

IT'LL BE BYE-BYE SPORT
SHIRTS, HELLO KHAKIS.

AM I SCARED? OF COURSE NOT.

OH, SURE, I KNOW THE
ARMY'S NO BED OF ROSES,

BUT IT'S NOTHING TO
BE AFRAID OF EITHER.

I MEAN, IT'S A THOUGHTFUL,
REASONABLE ORGANIZATION

RUN BY THOUGHTFUL,
REASONABLE HUMAN BEINGS.

- THE NEXT ONE OF YOU YARDBIRDS
WHICH I FIND HIM OUT OF LINE

IS GOING TO BE
WORKING SENTRY DUTY

UNLESS HE WEARS HIS FEET
DOWN TO THE KNUCKLES.



YOU CALL THAT A LINE?

THE LAST LINE I SAW THAT CROOKED
WAS ON THE HIND LEG OF A DOG.

NOW, DRESS IT UP.

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

- QUIET. QUIET WHILE I
CHECK THIS HERE ROSTER.

- HEY, GOOD BUDDY,
I GOT, LIKE, AN IDEA.

- WHAT IS IT?

- WE DEVELOP A SUDDEN
ATTACK OF FLAT FEET.

- MAYNARD.

- WE TAKE OFF OUR SHIRTS
AND GOT NO BACKBONES,

ONLY YELLOW STREAKS.

- MAYNARD, QUIET.

- MEN, I'M SGT. FLOYD W. RONK,

AND NO WISECRACKS.



AND I'M HERE TO SEE THAT
YOU MUTTON-HEADED RECRUITS

GET TO CAMP THE WAY
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO.

THE LAST BUNCH OF YARDBIRDS,

WHICH THEY WERE SUPPOSED
TO GET THERE THEMSELVES,

CLIMBED UP IN THE WRONG BUS

AND WOUND UP IN A RUTABAGA
PATCH IN AKRON, OHIO.

YOU'RE NOW UNDER
MILITARY JURISDICTION,

AND THE FIRST ONE OF YOU
WHICH GIVES ME ANY TROUBLE

IS GOING TO WIND UP
BEING COURT-MARTIALED

AS THE FIRST SOLDIER EVER
TO BE COURT-MARTIALED

WHILE STILL WEARING
CIVILIAN CLOTHES.

- MY POOR, POOR DOBIE.

THAT SERGEANT'S THE
MEANEST PERSON I EVER SAW.

- WELL, SUCH A CREATURE
DOESN'T INTIMIDATE ME.

OF COURSE, WE OSBORNES
ARE A FEARLESS BREED.

- BOO!
- GOOD GRACIOUS.

- RELAX.

♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

[SCATTING] ♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

- NOW THIS HERE BUS TO CAMP
DON'T LEAVE FOR A WHILE YET,

SO I'M GOING TO DISMISS
YOU GREENHORNS.

YOU ALL KNOW YOUR PLACES,

AND WHEN YOU HEAR
ME BLOW THIS WHISTLE...

- MAYNARD.

- I WANT YOU TO GET
BACK HERE ON THE DOUBLE.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

I DON'T WANT NOBODY
TO LEAVE THE AREA.

I DON'T WANT NOBODY
TO DO ANYTHING

THAT WILL BRING DISGRACE
ON A PROUD UNIFORM

WHICH YOU'RE
GOING TO BE WEARING.

I DON'T WANT YOU
FRATERNIZING WITH NO ENEMY,

AND I DON'T WANT YOU
DISCUSS NO MILITARY SECRETS.

YOU UNDERSTAND? DISMISSED!

- DAD, I GOT TO TALK TO YOU.

- HEY, WE'RE NOT ALLOWED
TO DISCUSS MILITARY SECRETS.

- MAYNARD, LET GO. DAD?

- SHH, GOOD BUDDY, I'M
KEEPING YOU OUT OF TROUBLE.

- MAYNARD, LET GO.

WE DON'T KNOW ANY
MILITARY SECRETS.

- LIKE, WE DON'T?
- LIKE, WE DON'T.

- LIKE, YEAH, WE DON'T.

- DOBIE, DON'T YOU BE AFRAID
OF THAT MEAN, OLD SERGEANT.

- AH, WHAT REASON WOULD
I HAVE TO BE AFRAID OF HIM?

- WHAT'S THE MATTER?
WASN'T YOU LISTENING TO HIM?

FIRST HE GROWLS LIKE REAL
MEAN, ALL RIGHT YOU GUYS...

THEN HE GOES...
- MAYNARD, NEVER MIND.

- I SHOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT
THAT SERGEANT, CHAPS.

I LONG AGO LEARNED HOW
TO DEAL WITH SUCH PERSONS.

ONE SIMPLY DRAWS
ONESELF UP AND STARES.

THEY ALWAYS GO AWAY.

- VERY GOOD ADVICE, CHATSWORTH.

BUT NOW LISTEN TO
SOME REAL ADVICE

FROM A REAL VETERAN...

- WITH THE GOOD CONDUCT MEDAL.

- YEAH. FROM WWII, THE BIG WAR.

NOW WHEN YOU GUYS
GET INTO UNIFORM,

REMEMBER, KEEP YOUR NOSE
CLEAN AND YOUR FEET DRY.

- FEET CLEAN, DRY? OH,
DOBE, I GOT TO GET HOME.

- MAYNARD, WHAT'S
THE MATTER WITH YOU?

- I JUST REMEMBERED,
I FORGOT TO TURN OFF

THE WATER IN THE BATHTUB.

- MAYNARD, FORGET IT.
- I ALREADY DID.

- NO. I MEAN, YOUR
FOLKS WILL TURN IT OFF.

- OH, NO. THEY WENT TO GO
OUT OF TOWN CELEBRATING.

- OUT OF TOWN CELEBRATING?

- MR. G., IF I WAS YOUR SON

AND I WAS GOING IN THE
ARMY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

- GET OUT OF TOWN AND
CELEBRATE. NO OFFENSE.

- MAYNARD, YOU CAN'T GO.

THE BUS IS GOING TO
TAKE OFF ANY MINUTE.

- SO'S MY HOUSE.
- MAYNARD.

- I GOT THE ROW BOATS,
IT'LL BE LIKE FLOODSVILLE.

LIKE, BYE DOBE.
- MAYNARD.

MAYNARD! DOGGONE THAT MAYNARD.

WHAT IF HE DOESN'T
GET BACK IN TIME?

- THE ARMY WILL CELEBRATE.

- IF THAT BUS LEAVES WITHOUT
HIM, HE'LL BE DESERTER.

THEY'LL SHOOT HIM.

- NOW, KEEP CALM. THERE'S
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

- [WHISTLE BLOWING]

- FILE IN, RECRUITS. THE BUS
LEAVES IN THREE MINUTES.

- THERE'S SOMETHING
TO WORRY ABOUT.

- I GOTTA GET MAYNARD.
- DOBIE, YOU CAN'T GO.

YOU HAVE TO GET ON...

- [ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

- DAD!

- AND BESIDES, WITH YOUR LUCK,

YOU'LL PROBABLY WIND UP
IN THE SAME CELL WITH HIM.

- HEY YOU, SOLDIER,

YOU WITH THE THREE CHAPERONES
AND THE WEAK CHIN, GET IN LINE.

- CAPTAIN, MAY I
MAKE A STATEMENT?

- IT'S SERGEANT, AND NO.
- BUT...

- BUT ME NO BUTS,
BUSTER, AND CLAM UP.

YOU'RE GILLIS, DOPEY, HUH?

- HOLD IT.

THE NAME HAPPENS
TO BE DOBIE, WITH A B.

- BUTT OUT, CIVILIAN.

- NOW, JUST A DARN MINUTE,

I HAPPEN TO BE THE BOY'S
FATHER, AND A TAXPAYER,

AND A VETERAN WITH A
GOOD CONDUCT MEDAL.

- AND WHAT?

- DISMISSED?
- RIGHT.

KREBS, MAYNARD.

KREBS, MAYNARD.

KREBS, MAYNARD.

KREBS, MAYNARD,
FAILURE TO REPORT.

ABSENT WITHOUT LEAVE, DESERTION.

BROTHER, AM I GLAD
I'M NOT IN HIS SHOES.

- SIR, DID YOU SAY,
KREBS, MAYNARD?

- YEAH. WHERE IS THAT
GOOD-FOR-NOTHING DESERTER?

- OH, HE'S HERE, SIR. HE'S HERE.

- WELL, THEN WHY
DOESN'T HE ANSWER?

- OH, WELL, HE DIDN'T
RECOGNIZE THE NAME.

YOU SEE, SIR, HE ONLY
ANSWERED TO MAYNARD G. KREBS.

- ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

WHERE'S THIS MAYNARD G. KREBS?

- OH, COMING.

HERE HE IS, SIR. HERE IS IS.

- WHAT ARE YOU THINKING OF?

- THERE, THERE
MAYNARD, MY LITTLE MAN,

HE'S JUST NEVER BEEN
AWAY FROM HOME BEFORE.

- NOW, SEE...
- RELAX, MAYNARD. STAND UP, BOY.

- ARE YOU KREBS, MAYNARD G.?

I CERTAINLY AM NOT.

- MAYNARD...
- HE IS MAYNARD G. KREBS, SIR,

AND VERY ANXIOUS TO BE A MEMBER
OF THIS FINE ORGANIZATION, SIR.

- LIBEL, SLANDER.

- SAVE THE TEARS FOR
THE CHAPLAIN. ON THE BUS.

- HELP!

- COME ON, MOVE
IT OUT. MOVE IT OUT.

ALL THE WAY IN THE BACK.

ALL THE WAY IN THE BACK.

COME ON, MOVE IT UP,
MOVE IT UP, MOVE IT UP.

DON'T WORRY FOLKS, WE'LL
TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOUR BOYS,

AND THE NEXT TIME YOU
SEE THEM, THEY'LL BE TRIM,

EFFICIENT, PROUD,
IN SHORT, SOLDIERS.

- IT'S POSSIBLE.

- SO THAT'S HOW
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.,

GENTLEMAN AND MILLIONAIRE,

BECAME MAYNARD G.
KREBS, SLOB AND PAUPER.

I CAN'T SAY THAT CHATSWORTH
WAS ENTIRELY PLEASED ABOUT IT.

- HELP. HELP.

LET ME OFF THIS
VEHICLE AT ONCE. HELP.

- CHATSWORTH, YOU CAN'T
LET MAYNARD DOWN NOW.

- WANT TO BET?

- IF THEY CATCH
HIM AND PUNISH HIM

FOR WHAT HAPPENED, YOU
KNOW WHAT THEY'LL CALL YOU?

- A PATRIOT.
- NO. SHH.

CHATSWORTH, JUST LET
THEM THINK YOU'RE MAYNARD

UNTIL WE GET TO CAMP, PLEASE.

THE REAL MAYNARD'S A CINCH
TO SHOW UP BY THEM. PLEASE?

- OH, DOBIE, DO I
HAVE NO OBJECTION

TO HELPING AN UNFORTUNATE
WRECK LIKE MAYNARD?

I MEAN, AFTER ALL,
WE ARISTOCRATS

OWE A CERTAIN OBLIGATION
TO OUR UNDERLINGS.

- SHH.

- BUT THIS ENTIRE
SITUATION IS SO DEGRADING.

I MEAN, A MAN OF MY
WEALTH AND SOCIAL POSITION,

RIDING ON THIS, WHAT
DID YOU CALL IT AGAIN?

- BUS.
- OH, YES, BUS. HOW PICTURESQUE.

- OH, COME ON, CHATSWORTH.

IF MAYNARD STARTS
OFF HIS ARMY CAREER

BY GETTING IN TROUBLE, IT
WILL RUIN EVERYTHING FOR HIM.

- I'M SORRY, GILLIS BABY,
IT'S SIMPLY TOO OUTRÉ.

I'M GOING TO TELL
THAT SERGEANT...

- YOU CAN'T...

- YOU'RE GOING TO TELL
THE SERGEANT WHAT?

- OH, NOTHING, SIR. NOTHING.

- DON'T SIR ME, AND SHUT UP.

NOW WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, SONNY?

- THIS IS ALL A GHASTLY
MISTAKE, MY BEING IN THE ARMY.

- IT COULD TURN OUT THAT WAY,

BUT WE'VE HANDLED
HARDER CASES BEFORE.

- BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND,
I AM NOT MAYNARD G. KREBS.

I AM CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.

FROM THE BIG WHITE
HOUSE ON THE HILL

WITH THE 16-FOOT FENCE
AROUND IT WITH THE BROKEN GLASS

EMBEDDED IN THE
TOP OF THE FENCE.

- YOU'RE WHAT?

- SERGEANT, COULD I
TALK TO YOU A MINUTE?

- NOW, WHAT IS ALL THIS?
- WELL, YOU SEE, SIR.

- DON'T SIR ME.
- OH, YEAH.

WELL, YOU SEE, SERGEANT, IT'S
MY FRIEND MAYNARD G. KREBS.

HE'S A LITTLE, SHALL
WE SAY, EXCITABLE.

- SHALL WE SAY NUTS?
- NOT REALLY.

- YOU'RE TELLING ME NOT REALLY.

I'VE SEEN GUYS TRYING TO BUCK
FOR A SECTION EIGHT BEFORE.

- SECTION EIGHT?
- YEAH.

A PSYCHO DISCHARGE. WHO
DOES HE THINK HE'S KIDDING?

YOU GOTTA GET UP
EARLY IN THE MORNING

TO GET ANYTHING
OVER ON FLOYD W. RONK.

NOW, AS YOU WERE SAYING, SONNY?

- I WAS TELLING YOU
SGT. RONK, BABY,

THAT I AM CHATSWORTH
OSBORNE, JR.

- WELL, ISN'T THAT NICE.

I'M REX THE WONDER HORSE.

WE MUST GO RIDING SOMETIME.

- BUT...
- AT EASE!

- YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING.

- OKAY, MAYNARD,
SO WE'RE KIDDING.

THE BUS DID NOT LEAVE WITH DOBIE
AND WITH THAT CHATSWORTH KID

PRETENDING HE WAS YOU SO YOU
WOULDN'T GET COURT-MARTIALED.

SEE, I KNEW YOU
WERE JUST KIDDING.

- MAYNARD.
- MAYNARD,

NOW, YOU LISTEN TO ME.

DOBIE AND CHATSWORTH ARE
GOING TO BE IN BIG TROUBLE

IF YOU HEAD STRAIGHT FOR
THAT INDUCTION CENTER.

- RIGHT. I'LL DRIVE
YOU UP IN THE TRUCK.

WE CAN BE THERE BY MORNING.

- BUT IF I GO UP THERE,
THEY'LL SHOOT ME.

- MAYNARD.

- PUT A BLINDFOLD OVER MY
EYES AND A FIRING SQUAD LINES UP

AND IT'S READY, AIM,

REST IN PEACE, MAYNARD G. KREBS.

- ARE YOU GOING OR AIN'T YOU?

- MR. G?
- YEAH.

- 'TIS A FAR, FAR BETTER
THING I DO THAN I'VE EVER DONE.

- HUH?
- DICKENS.

FROM DICKENS,
"DAVID COPPERHEAD."

I READ IT IN SCHOOL.

IT'S ALL ABOUT THIS CAT
WHO GIVES UP HIS LIFE

FOR HIS GOOD BUDDY.

- MAYNARD, YOU
MEAN YOU'RE GOING?

- YEAH. I ONLY HAVE ONE REQUEST.
- WHAT'S THAT?

- WHEN IT'S ALL OVER, PLEASE
DONATE MY BRAIN TO SCIENCE.

- MAYNARD, YOU'RE ALL HEART.

- THAT PART GOES
TO SCIENCE, TOO.

- DOBIE, THIS IS
ENTIRELY TOO MUCH.

I WILL NOT STAND ANOTHER
MINUTE OF THIS INDIGNITY.

- QUIET, MAYNARD.
- MAYNARD! OH, THE SHAME OF IT.

- ALL RIGHT, YOU
YARDBIRDS. MOVE ALONG.

MOVE ALONG. CLOSE
IT UP. CLOSE IT UP.

- SERGEANT, MY CONGRESSMAN
IS GOING OT HEAR ABOUT THIS.

IN FACT, I'LL GO EVEN
HIGHER, I'LL TELL MY MOTHER.

- KREBS.

- I AM NOT KREBS, I AM
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.

- STILL? DON'T YOU
EVER GET TIRED OF BEING

OSBORNE CHATSWORTH, JR.?

WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO
BE NAPOLEON FOR A WHILE?

- YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS YOU...
- MOVE ALONG.

- LOW-BORN PERSON.

EGAD, WHAT WAS THAT?

- YOUR SHOTS, BOY.

TETANUS, TYPHUS,
AND STUFF LIKE THAT.

- SHOTS? NEEDLES.

I ALWAYS FAINT WHEN I GET SHOTS.

- THERE WEREN'T ANY
NEEDLES. THIS IS PNEUMATIC GUN,

THE NEWEST METHOD
FOR GIVING SHOTS.

IT'S PAINLESS. YOU'RE
PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT.

- OH, AM I? WE'LL SEE.

- LEFT. LEFT. KEEP GOING, MEN,

KEEP IT MOVING. KEEP IT MOVING.

HUP, HO.

WELL, YOU'RE BEGINNING TO
LOOK LIKE SOLDIERS, BUT NOT MUCH.

- SERGEANT. OH, SERGEANT.

- WHATEVER IT IS, KREBS, NO.

- OH, MICE AND RATS.

- AT EASE, MEN.

WE'LL CALL YOU WHEN WE NEED YOU.

- DOBIE, HOW CAN
YOU DO THIS TO ME.

I MEAN, WE HAVE BEEN
FRIENDS, AFTER ALL,

DESPITE THE DIFFERENCE
IN OUR STATIONS.

- SHH.

- HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD
OF PLAYING THE GAMES.

- I'M SORRY,
CHATSWORTH, HONEST, I AM.

BUT THINK WHAT THEY'D DO
TO MAYNARD IF THEY FIND OUT.

- THINK WHAT THEY DID TO ME.

POKE AND PRODDED...
- SHH.

- AND UNDRESSED
AND INOCULATED ME,

AND THE CROWNING INSULT
IN ALL THESE CLOTHES.

GILLIS BABY, JUST LOOK AT ME.

IF MY TAILOR SAW ME NOW,

HE'D SWALLOW A MOUTHFUL OF PINS.

- CHATSWORTH, BE A GOOD GUY.

JUST STICK WITH IT A
LITTLE WHILE LONGER.

MAYNARD'S BOUND
TO GET HERE SOON.

- NOT ANOTHER MINUTE.
- SHH.

- GILLIS, DOPEY, YOU'RE NEXT.

- SIR, THAT'S... NEVER MIND.

- NOW, SEE HERE, SERGEANT...

- AT EASE, KREBS. THE
TESTS ARE ABOUT TO BEGIN.

- TESTS? I SHALL
NOT TAKE ANY TESTS.

I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE.

- OKAY, KREBS.

- YOU MEAN, I DON'T
HAVE TO TAKE ANY?

- NOT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.

- I CERTAINLY DO NOT.

- GOOD, BECAUSE I
NEED A VOLUNTEER

TO CLEAN OUT THE GARBAGE
CANS AT THE MESS HALL.

- GARBAGE CANS?

- TESTS?

YOU LEAVE ME LITTLE CHOICE.

- AND THREE YEARS OF
HIGH SCHOOL, PVT. GILLIS?

- YES, SIR. THREE YEARS.

- DID YOU WIN ANY PARTICULAR
DISTINCTION IN HIGH SCHOOL?

- YES, SIR. ONE.
- WHAT WAS THAT?

- I GRADUATED.
- I SEE.

TELL ME, GILLIS,

WHAT WAS YOUR PRINCIPLE
OBJECTIVE IN HIGH SCHOOL.

- TO GRADUATE.
- I SEE.

AND WHAT WAS YOUR PRINCIPLE
ACTIVITY IN HIGH SCHOOL?

- TRYING TO GRADUATE, SIR.

- DON'T CALL ME SIR.
- YES, SIR.

- ONE LAST AND AND OBVIOUSLY
FUTILE QUESTION, GILLIS.

DO YOU HAVE A WORKING KNOWLEDGE
OF ANY FOREIGN LANGUAGES?

- SIR, I HAVE ENOUGH
TROUBLE WORKING IN ENGLISH.

- THANK YOU, PVT. GILLIS.

- YES, SIR. ANYTHING ELSE, SIR?

- I HOPE NOT.

- KREBS, MAYNARD G.

- YOU'RE NEXT, KREBS,

OR OSBORNE, OR
GEORGE WASHINGTON,

OR WHOEVER YOU
THINK YOU ARE NOW.

- VERY HUMOROUS, I'M SURE.

- COME ON.

SIT THERE.

WATCH THIS ONE, HE'S
TRYING FOR A SECTION EIGHT.

- GOT YOU. NOW THEN, PVT. KREBS.

- I AM NEITHER A
PRIVATE, NOR A KREBS.

LOOK, WHISTLER, YOU LOOK LIKE
A MODERATELY INTELLIGENT MAN.

WILL YOU GET ME OUT OF
THESE GHASTLY SURROUNDINGS?

- SURE, BOY. SURE.

LET ME ASK YOU A
FEW QUESTIONS FIRST.

- FOR INSTANCE?

- FOR INSTANCE,

DO YOU HAVE A WORKING KNOWLEDGE
OF ANY FOREIGN LANGUAGE?

- WORKING KNOWLEDGE?

OH, HO, HO, HO.

MY DEAR CHAP, I CAN
PASS FOR A NATIVE

IN ALL THE CAPITALS OF
EUROPE AND THE ORIENT.

- I SEE. DO YOU SPEAK FRENCH?

- [SPEAKING FRENCH]

- YOU YOU DO SPEAK FRENCH?

- OF COURSE, DOESN'T EVERYONE?

- WELL, HOW ABOUT ITALIAN?

- [SPEAKING ITALIAN]

- WELL, HOW ABOUT GERMAN?

- [SPEAKING GERMAN]

- CHINESE?

- [SPEAKING CHINESE]

AND THAT'S AN OBSCURE
MANDARIN DIALECT.

- MR. KREBS MR. KREBS, PLEASE.

OH, PLEASE STAY
WITH THE ARMY, SIR.

AMERICA NEEDS YOU.

THIS IS TEST TO DETERMINE
YOUR ABILITY TO LEARN

MORSE CODE SIGNALS.

WHEN YOU HEAR THIS
SOUND, DOT DASH,

YOU WILL WRITE THE LETTER "A."

WHEN YOU HEAR THIS
SOUND, DASH DOT,

YOU WILL WRITE THE LETTER N.

WHEN YOU HEAR
THIS SOUND, DOT DOT,

YOU WILL WRITE THE LETTER "I."

DOES EVERYBODY UNDERSTAND?

NOW, WRITE DOWN THE LETTERS

ON THE TEST PAPERS
AS YOU HEAR THEM.

THEY WILL BE TRANSMITTED
SLOWLY AT FIRST, THEN FASTER.

ARE YOU READY? BEGIN.

[BUZZING SOUNDS]

- KREBS, WHERE DID YOU LEARN
TO DO MORSE CODE LIKE THAT?

- FROM GREAT GRANDDAD OF COURSE.

- GREAT GRANDDAD WHO?

- GREAT GRANDDAD
MORSE, YOU SILLY.

- SOLDIER, I'M DR. WORTHINGTON,

AND IT SEEMS WE
HAVE A LITTLE PROBLEM.

- OH. SHOULD YOU CARE
TO TELL ME ABOUT IT,

PERHAPS I CAN HELP YOU.

- NO, YOU HAVE THE PROBLEM.

- WAIT.

I AM WEALTHY,
TALENTED, DEBONAIR,

CHARMING, APPEALING,
SUAVE, AND BRILLIANT.

WHERE'S MY PROBLEM?

- AHA. IF YOU
REALLY BELIEVE THAT,

THEN YOU ARE EXHIBITING THE
CLASSIC SYMPTOMS OF WELL,

IT'S A MEDICAL WORD THAT
WOULD BE MEANINGLESS

TO A LAYMAN.

- I PRESUME YOU'RE
REFERRING TO MEGALOMANIA,

A WORD WHICH I MUST POINT
OUT IS COMPLETELY INAPPLICABLE

IN MY SITUATION.

- VERY INTERESTING.

AND JUST WHY IS THE
WORD INAPPROPRIATE

IN YOUR CASE, MAY I ASK?

- CERTAINLY YOU MAY ASK.

HOW ELSE WILL YOU
LEARN ANYTHING?

- THANK YOU.

- ALWAYS EAGER TO HELP.

NOW, THE TERM MEGALOMANIA
REFERS TO A SPECIES

OF MENTAL ABERRATION
CHARACTERIZED

BY DELUSIONS OF GREATNESS
OR EXCEPTIONAL ABILITY

OR EXTREME WEALTH OR POWER.

AM I NOT CORRECT?
OF COURSE I AM.

THE QUESTION WAS
MERELY RHETORICAL.

NOW, THE KEYWORD
IN THE DESCRIPTION

I JUST GAVE YOU IS DELUSION.

I REFER TO DELUSIONS
OF GREATNESS

OR EXTREME WEALTH YOU'LL RECALL.

- I...
- OF COURSE YOU DO.

NOW, FOLLOW MY
REASONING ON THIS POINT.

I THINK YOU'LL FIND
IT RATHER EDIFYING.

IT'S A TECHNIQUE I ABSORBED

FROM THE GREAT PROFESSOR
GESTALT AT JOHNS HOPKINS.

NOW, A DELUSION OF
EXCEPTIONAL ABILITY

OR GREAT WEALTH MEANS
THAT SUCH A QUALITY

DOES NOT EXIST IN THE
PERSON WHO CLAIMS IT.

TRUE?

- YOU...
- OF COURSE IT'S TRUE.

BUT I DO POSSESS EXCEPTIONAL
ABILITY, CHECK MY IQ,

AND EXTREME WEALTH,
CONSULT DUNN & BRADSTREET,

AND GREAT CHARM, ASK ANY WOMAN.

SO WE HAVE NOT HEAR A
QUESTION OF DELUSION,

BUT A VERIFIABLE FACT.

I REST MY CASE.

- VERY ENLIGHTENING
PRIVATE KREBS.

- NATURALLY.

AND THE NAME IS OSBORNE.

IT'S THE ARMY THAT IS
SUFFERING FROM DELUSIONS.

- YOU MENTIONED PROFESSOR
GESTALT. DO YOU KNOW HIM?

- BUT OF COURSE.

MUMSY WILL HAVE HER NEUROSES
TREATED BY NO ONE ELSE.

- THE PROFESSOR GESTALT?

PROFESSOR HUGO GESTALT?

- GOOD OLD HUGH.

A BRILLIANT MAN. BRILLIANT.

AN ATROCIOUS CROQUET
PLAYER, AND HE EATS LIKE A HORSE,

BUT A SUPERB SCIENTIST.

- KREBS, DO YOU REALLY
KNOW THE GREAT GESTALT?

- THE NAME IS OSBORNE, AND YES.

- WELL, OSBORNE,

I, I REALLY DON'T KNOW
JUST HOW TO PUT THIS, BUT...

- DON'T HEM AND HAW,
SIGMUND BABY, GET TO THE POINT.

- WELL, WHAT IS
PROFESSOR GESTALT'S

REAL VIEWS ON THE DISPUTE

BETWEEN JUNG AND ADBAITA.

I MEAN, AS REGARDS
THE FIELD THEORY OF...

- THE FIELD THEORY
OF MOE-EE-MOE.

- YES.

- YOU KNOW, IT'S
VERY INTERESTING

THAT YOU SHOULD ASK THAT,

BECAUSE JUST THE OTHER NIGHT
WHEN OLD HUGH WAS OVER TO DINNER

AT THE HOUSE...
- YEAH.

- ALONG WITH
PROFESSOR GROGGERTY...

- PROFESSOR...

- NOW REMEMBER, MAYNARD.

WHEN YOU SNEAK INTO THAT CAMP,

YOU GOTTA MAKE OUT LIKE
YOU'VE BEEN THERE ALL THE TIME.

- DON'T WORRY, MR. G.,
I'LL, LIKE, REMEMBER.

- AND REMEMBER
TO SAY YOU CAME UP

ON THE BUS WITH
THE OTHER RECRUITS.

- I'LL, LIKE, REMEMBER.

- AND DON'T GET EXCITED AND
ANYTHING THEY SAY TO YOU,

YOU'VE MISSED A LOT AND
YOU'RE GOING HAVE TO FAKE IT.

- I'LL, LIKE, REMEMBER.
- GOOD.

NOW NOW, LET'S GO OVER
THE STRATEGY AGAIN, MAYNARD.

REPEAT TO ME WHAT YOU'RE
GOING TO TO WHEN YOU GET TO CAMP.

- I LIKE...
- FORGOT?
- GOOD THINKING.

- THIS IS POSITIVELY THE
LAST STRAW, GILLIS BABY.

I HAVE SPENT THE ENTIRE
NIGHT IN THIS CAMP,

AND THAT OAF MAYNARD
HAS FAILED TO SHOW UP.

WELL, I AM GOING
TO DISAPPEAR, POOF,

AND LET THE CHIPS
FALL WHERE THEY MAY,

PREFERABLY ON KREBS.

- NAH, I WON'T TRY TO
STOP YOU CHATSWORTH.

I GUESS THE WHOLE SCHEME
IS JUST TOO RIDICULOUS

AND IMPOSSIBLE AND HOPELESS.

- YOU RANG?

- MAYNARD!

WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR
YOU. WHERE YOU BEEN?

- IT'S TAKES, LIKE, A LONG TIME

TO SHOVEL THREE FEET OF
WATER OUT OF A LIVING ROOM.

- YOU'RE NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON.

I AM THROUGH
MASQUERADING AS YOU.

- HOW'D YOU GET
AWAY WITH IT, CHATSY?

I'M LIKE, TALLER.
- NEVER MIND THAT, MAYNARD.

QUICK, PUT ON
CHATSWORTH'S UNIFORM.

- YEAH, LIKE, RIGHT.
- HOLD ON.

HOLD ON, I SAY.
- WHAT?

- IF HE TAKES THIS UNIFORM,
WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR?

- MY ENSEMBLE, LIKE, NATURALLY.

- ENSEMBLE?
- SURELY YOU JEST.

- YOU'VE GONE THIS FAR,
CHATSWORTH, YOU CAN STOP NOW.

- OH, GAD, THE SACRIFICES I MAKE

IN THE NAME OF...

WHAT WAS THAT WORD AGAIN?
- DEMOCRACY.

- OH, YES, DEMOCRACY.
HOW QUAINT.

- HEY, MAYNARD, CHATSWORTH,

AREN'T YOU READY YET?

- CHATSWORTH, LIKE...
- OH, HOW HUMILIATING.

- HOW DO WE LOOK, HUH?

- I'D TELL YOU, BUT I'M AFRAID
TO USE SUCH LANGUAGE

ON GOVERNMENT PROPERTY.

- IF ANYONE EVER HEARS OF THIS,

I SHALL NEVER BE
ADMITTED TO YALE.

- CHATSY, THAT'S THE SCREWIEST
LOOKING OUTFIT I EVER SAW.

- YOU LOOK LIKE
THIS ALL THE TIME.

- DO I, GOOD BUDDY?
- YOU DO, MAYNARD, NO OFFENSE.

- NO OFFENSE. NO WONDER MY FOLKS
WENT OUT OF TOWN TO CELEBRATE.

- PRIVATE GILLIS.

- CHATSWORTH, YOU GOTTA
GET OUT OF HERE FAST.

- DEAR ME, I SHALL NEVER
SEE OSBORNE MANOR AGAIN.

- QUICK, HERE HE COMES.

FAREWELL, OH HAPPY WARRIORS.

- FAREWELL, FAREWELL, GO.

GOOD MORNING, SERGEANT.

- LIKE GOOD MORNING, SIR.

- DON'T SALUTE ME AND
DON'T CALL ME SIR, SOLDIER.

- LIKE, ANYTHING YOU SAY, SIR.
- OH, A COMIC, HUH?

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, YARDBIRD?

- KREBS, YOUR HONOR.
- KREBS?

- YES, SIR, YOUR
SERGEANTSHIP. MAYNARD G.

- UH-HUH. YEAH.

- WHAT SORT OF A GAME ARE
YOU PLAYING HERE, SOLDIER?

YOU CAN'T BE MAYNARD G. KREBS.

- THAT'S WHAT MY FATHER
KEPT TELLING THE HOSPITAL,

BUT THEY HAD PROOF.

- GILLIS, WHAT GOES ON HERE?

- OH, WELL, YOU SEE, SERGEANT,

SINCE LAST NIGHT,
MAYNARD GREW A BEARD.

- IMPOSSIBLE.

- NO, IT ISN'T. LOTS OF
FELLAS GROW BEARDS.

- QUIET. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

A BEARD COULDN'T MAKE
THAT MUCH DIFFERENCE.

- OH, YES, IT COULD, SERGEANT.

IT CHANGES HIS
ENTIRE PERSONALITY.

- IT MAKES ME, LIKE, A
DIFFERENT PERSON ALL TOGETHER.

- AH, COME OFF
OF IT, BOTH OF YOU.

YOU CAN'T BE KREBS.

- SERGEANT.

- YOUR HONOR, YOUR WORSHIP,

WOULD A FELLOW SAY
HE WAS MAYNARD G. KREBS

IF HE WASN'T MAYNARD G. KREBS?

- NOT IF HE WAS IN HIS
RIGHT MIND HE WOULDN'T.

- I REST MY CASE.
- UH-HUH. YEAH.

- GILLIS, PLEASE, SAY
THAT I AIN'T SEEING THINGS.

- SERGEANT.

- SAY THAT THIS CREEP
AIN'T MAYNARD G. KREBS.

SAY, SAY, SAY ANYTHING.

- ANYTHING?
- MAYNARD.

SERGEANT, I WOULDN'T FOOL YOU.

I'VE KNOWN MAYNARD ALL MY
LIFE AND THAT'S HIM, ALL RIGHT.

- WANT TO SEE MY BIRTHMARK?

- IT'S LIKE A BAD DREAM.

- HOW ABOUT MY FINGERPRINTS?

- IT'S SPOOKY.

- I COULD SHOW YOU MY
TONSILS AT HOME IN A GLASS JAR.

- SERGEANT, I'M
TELLING YOU THE TRUTH.

ON MY HONOR AS A
CITIZEN OF THE FREE WORLD

AND A SOLDIER IN THE U.S. ARMY,

THAT IS MAYNARD G. KREBS.

- PLEASED TO MEET
YOU, YOUR OFFICERSHIP.

- ALL RIGHT, MEN. LINE UP. I'VE
GOT SOME ANNOUNCEMENTS.

- [WHISTLE BLOWING]

- FALL IN. FALL IN.

CORPORAL WHISTLER
FROM THE TESTING OFFICE

WILL NOW READ THE ASSIGNMENTS
FOR YOUR UPCOMING DUTIES.

AT EASE.

- RECRUIT COBBLER, HUEY,

COOKS AND BAKERS SCHOOL.

RECRUIT FRAMUS, TYLER H.,

COMMUNICATIONS SCHOOL.

RECRUIT GILLIS, DOBIE,
INFANTRY SCHOOL.

MEN, I'M PROUD TO ANNOUNCE
THAT I HAVE RECOMMENDED

THAT ONE OF YOU BE
SENT DIRECTLY TO OCS

AFTER HE HAS FINISHED
BASIC TRAINING.

THIS SOLDIER RECEIVED THE
HIGHEST SCORES EVER RECORDED

IN THIS CAMP ON THE
GENERAL INTELLIGENCE TEST,

THE CODED ADAPTABILITY TEST,

AND THE LANGUAGE
APTITUDE EXAMINATION.

THIS SUPERIOR FELLOW IS
RECRUIT MAYNARD G. KREBS.

- HEY, THAT'S, LIKE, ME.

LIKE, THANK YOU,
YOUR CORPORALSHIP.

- NO. NO, SOLDIER. I SAID KREBS.

- I'M, LIKE, KREBS.

- NO. NO. MAYNARD KREBS.

- I'M, LIKE, MAYNARD KREBS.

- MAYNARD G. KREBS.

- I'M, LIKE, MAYNARD G. KREBS.

- NO. YOU CAN'T BE KREBS.
I MEAN, HE'S NOT KREBS.

I MEAN I MEAN, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE
FOR YOU TO BE KREBS.

- IT AIN'T NO USE TO FIGHT IT.

- NO. NO. HE HE CAN'T BE KREBS.

- YEAH. CORPORAL,
IT'S THE BEARD.

- I MEAN, HE'S KREBS?
- YOU SEE IT CHANGES YEAH.

- YOU WANT TO SEE MY BIRTHMARK?

- THIS IS WORSE THAN A BAD
DREAM. I MEAN, IT'S SPOOKY.

- I CAN SHOW YOU MY TONSILS.
THEY'RE HOME IN A GLASS JAR.

- I'VE KNOWN THIS
BOY ALL MY LIFE.

- HE'S KREBS? OH, NO!

- HEY, DOBE? HEY, DOBE?

- LOOK SERGEANT, IT'S SUNDAY.

OH, HI, MAYNARD.

- LIKE, HI. I JUST DECIDED, I
AIN'T GOING TO THAT C.O.D.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S OCS.
- YEAH.

WHATEVER IT IS, I AIN'T GOING.
- WHY NOT?

I JUST FOUND OUT WHAT IT MEANT.

THAT'S WHERE THEY TRAIN
THEM FELLOWS TO BE OFFICERS.

I MEAN, THAT'S FOR
CLEVER, INTELLIGENT,

SUPERIOR-TYPE PEOPLE.

- YEAH. AND YOU DON'T THINK YOU
COULD HANDLE IT, HUH, MAYNARD?

- OH, I'D DO FIND, DOBE,

BUT I DON'T WANT
TO LEAVE YOU BEHIND.

I MEAN, WHO'D TAKE CARE OF YOU?

- I THANK YOU, MAYNARD.
YOU'RE A REAL HUMAN BEING.

- AND EVERY INCH OF ME
BELONGS TO THE U.S. ARMY.

- POOR U.S. ARMY.

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪

♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪